Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh dissect "G League terrorism," joking that minor failures demote fighters to Hamas while comparing ISIS recruitment turnover to the NCAA's "one and done" system. They recount a chaotic Christmas trip to Egypt involving gift-giving mishaps, dining etiquette debates over wine service, and a humorous recitation of modified carols for Alex Media. Ultimately, this chaotic blend of geopolitical satire and personal anecdotes highlights how absurdity permeates both modern conflict and everyday social interactions. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Suicide Missions and B Leagues00:07:46
What do they call where y'all double dunk and dunk and don't double double.
Double double dunking donuts.
That's the last question.
Dunkin' donut, double-dabble.
Wow.
We call this shit Exxon, yo.
I know what you're talking about.
Damn, we are just asking for this suicide mission.
What a waste that would be.
If they curated some child bomber.
Somebody be a runner here again.
Nine years old.
Nine years old, you've been curating this guy, tell him he's doing it for the right causes, and then you send him off on us, dude.
Are you kidding me, dude?
All these tall-ass buildings, and you're going to pull us up.
That's like a failed mission.
You go to Wall Street, you're in New York City, you got all the way here, you got your bomb all set up.
You're ready to rock out.
You only knock out three, five people.
Wall Street right here.
Wall Street right here.
World Trade Center right over there.
I'm like, you're going to come here and waste off five motherfuckers.
Anyway, you're for the shook.
Shit, you are fired, bro.
That's how you get fired from ISIS, dog.
They got to put you in the B Leagues like Hamas or some shit.
These have G League terrorism.
They got G League terrorism.
No, you know, you got to send them down to the farm system for a little.
You're in Nigeria.
You're like, yo, go hang out in Africa for a minute.
Bang out of two suit of these motherfuckers.
They're doing suicide missions with that shit.
They go, shooting darts at motherfuckers' necks like a 90s.
Deaf comedy jam jump.
Oh, God.
Yo, how many times do we see this act out in 90s?
Oh, my God.
G League terrorism.
Yo, them G League terrorists, bro.
Yeah, they got to get their weight up, yo.
I know.
You remember G-Thing?
Just like, you know, we ain't got a lot of time for you to, you know, get into the main roster real quick, you know?
So we're going to send you to you.
We got to send you down.
Just get your reps up.
Make sure you're still sharp.
You know, so when we need you, when there are injuries, you know what I mean?
We get low on most of space, you might get in, get in for five minutes, two minutes.
If there's one league that constantly needs new players, it's ISIS.
I-League.
Part of the iLeague, like part of their fucking business model is the players disappear.
I mean, you know, they just explode.
They blow up.
Like, these motherfuckers is blowing up, bro.
You might talk about the NCAA.
That's the fucking...
That's the program that gets you out of there.
It's like the NCAA and ISIS.
Like, who makes, who treats their players least?
Yo.
That's a good ass point.
Listen, just a lot of people.
Some people...
One and done.
One and done.
They see you out of high school, like, oh, yeah, now he's a one and done.
They both give you a bunch of promises of what you're going to get after you get out of here.
Oh, I just wait till you get out of here.
We have 72 virgins just waiting for you.
You're here for exposure.
When the powers that be see what you're doing, you're going to have a great life.
Oh, my God.
They have like the Zion Williamson of ISIS.
They're like, listen, if he didn't come to Duke, he wouldn't.
We tell you, this kid is blowing up everything.
Facts.
Facts.
We don't know the motherfuckers that blew up the building, but we know ISIS.
Yo, Brandon Strong, yo.
Good recruiting, Bradley, between Alcata and ISIS.
Yeah, I had a lot of choices to make.
I decided to go ISIS at the end.
I thought about Hamas for a second, but I just thought that program isn't what it has been.
You know what I mean?
This is really coming up by Steph Curry.
Who's like the slept on terrorist?
Was it Davidson College of Terrorist?
Yo, what's the Davidson College of Terrorists?
It's like one of them white militias in Michigan.
Oh, was it Fanta?
Anta?
Yeah, the Steph Curry.
We're protecting our borders.
Davidson is a fucking, but every couple of years they'll have that Cinderella run Mexicans coming off the board.
This one got picking them off.
They're 16th seed but they made it all the way to the elite eight.
Only thing written on his card is, who needs a wall?
When we got Paul.
Oh, my God.
Oh, man.
And then we get to some of the guys.
Defense!
Allah!
Defense!
Bro!
Israel!
Israel!
Israel is on fire!
It went!
Bro!
Tuck!
Tuck!
G League terrorism, it gotta be Hamas, baby Hamas, because they don't even have bombs.
They got rocks.
They out there getting Tommy John surgeries just to get a few more miles per hour on their on their heaves over here like fucking beeline in Michigan.
Bro Osama comes down with his notepad like oh double double, see some promise.
Oh my god guys, oh god, you think kids are just throwing rocks at tanks.
There's like a guy that's like the recruiter there.
They're like he's here.
No, he's here to see me, not you.
That it's not going at each other above the rim or something.
How'd we even get to that girl?
That's why you gotta let us go, bro.
Nobody could do it like this.
We just go on a 10-minute rant about the G League terror squad.
They're called terror squads.
Oh see, my niggas don't dance.
We just bomb our pants, throw the rocks away.
See, my don't dance.
We got bombs in our pants.
Throw the rocks away now, blow back.
No, blow back now.
My muhammads don't dance.
We just we got bombs in our pants.
What is the next one?
Throw the rocks away now, my muhammads don't dance.
We got my mom, we got.
We got bombs in our pants.
My muhammads don't dance.
We got bombs in our pants.
Now, throw them.
Rocks away now, heave back.
All right so yeah, so it's not lean back.
If we could find a way to do the prey, face east.
Oh man dog, we killed that.
Okay okay so um, but we were talking about getting your girl some shit.
So I got us this vacation right Egypt um, best gift you can get your significant other is vacation yeah, going to Egypt Egypt Morocco, you find Delta, not sure, you see, do they go there?
You see he'd be fucking up.
Christmas Gifts and Relationship Tests00:10:27
Does Delta go to Egypt?
Delta goes fucking everywhere, but Egypt yeah, probably Emirates.
Emirates?
Emirates stuff.
What the fuck, man?
Sorry, bro.
That's a place.
Whatever.
Are you sure?
The airline?
I thought that Egypt has its own airline.
They do.
Like, India's got Air India.
But you ain't flying that shit.
I'm going United.
Oh.
American Airlines ain't the only airline in America.
Air NDW is so packed.
They have people on top of the world.
That's good.
That's funny.
That's fucking funny, bro.
Imagine how that fucking airplane smells.
There's one terminal and it's in Newark that flies Air India.
Have you been to that?
No, when I flew, I flew out of Dallas.
I flew Air India.
Air India, Newark.
Mumbai.
Yep.
That's it, baby.
Boom.
I knew it.
Two hours and 30.
There's no way.
Did I say two hours?
Present all?
I got to be like 20 hours.
Two hours and 30.
Oh, updated 20.
14 hours non-stop, I think.
Jesus Christ.
I think 14 hours non-stop on the way there, and then way back is slower.
Cuestione.
Cuestione.
What's up?
Questione.
Okay, so here's my issue about getting the present ahead of time.
This is what I'm running into right now, too.
You got your girl a present ahead of time?
Son, she wanted to buy something?
I was like, I got you.
Christmas, let's go.
Now it comes around.
You can't leave this bitch with a fucking empty box.
You can't show her the receipt.
I can't take a picture of Egypt.
You gotta have something and put that shit in a box.
Say, here we go.
Happy Christmas.
You could.
You could.
The plane tickets in the card.
Bang.
You already went before Christmas.
Oh, you're going before Christmas?
Oh, you fucked up.
Oh, yeah.
Major big time B.
Oh, yeah.
You got to schedule it.
I got to get her something.
We acknowledge that I must give her something for Christmas.
It should be smaller.
But now she doubled down.
Wait, double down how?
Because I got her the Christmas present of us going to Egypt.
And she doubled up.
She got two gifts.
That's what I'm saying.
My bad.
Doubled up.
Now, okay.
Granted, I think she might have snuck and like bought maybe a couple of flights or something like that, but I'm going to spend significantly more money.
It's not.
As I should.
I make more money.
As you should.
I don't have no great question.
That's not the issue.
Yeah.
It's the question I have for y'all is how big a gift do I get for Christmas?
What you trying to get real talk realistically?
I mean, you can't get her $25 gifts or whatever.
What you, I'm thinking like $100.
$100?
Yeah, $150, $200.
What if I just tell her we go to the shook and I'm just like, fucking hooked up?
Put $250 in her hand and be like, oh, nuts.
Go have fun.
And then just watch everybody at the shop.
Just go fucking crazy.
They just see those $250.
Yeah.
Start running at her with Fanta Orange.
I think they like Fanta Orange.
I had the biggest question of the Fanta girls back in the day.
Oh, yeah.
I was like the Pussycat dolls before the shit.
Facts.
I was like, yo, it was like the Fanta girls and the Pussycat dolls.
The Fantasy was bad.
Bad bitches.
No, the Pussycat dolls were ridiculously good.
Nicole was bad.
I didn't remember the other one.
Melody.
Melody Thornton.
They be swapping them out and you don't even realize.
Don't even realize Nicole in the front.
As long as it's just excursions.
Yeah.
Okay, so back to what we're saying though.
So what I've done in the past on Valentine's, I got an ex an abortion.
Puerto Rico.
So it was Christmas.
Three scoops in my eyes, Christmas.
On the first day of Christmas, I truly love games.
The first day of Christmas, Alex Media gave to me one trip to the gyno.
Wait.
That's about it.
Oh, and then it keeps me.
It starts with one and it goes up.
It goes upwards, doesn't it?
It goes first.
My true love gave Alex Media gave to Christmas.
That's your scoop scoop.
A scoop scoop and a pear tree.
Is it a pear tree?
What'd you say out of me inside of me?
What were your words before?
I'm glad that you don't know.
It's backwards, isn't it?
Yeah.
Partridge and a pear tree.
And then you go, two, you do it.
On the first day of Christmas.
A partridge in a pear tree.
Then on a second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me two turtle doves and a partridge.
And then you keep going and then back down.
Yes.
Okay, on the first day of Christmas, my true Alex gave to me.
That's mad homo, but I like it.
Keep going.
No, my Alex.
I'm about to say you like it.
On the first day of Christmas, my Alex Media gave to me.
One trip to Sweden.
And then you still say, and a partridge in a pear tree.
Or no.
It's whatever you make the first one, son.
You keep adding more as it goes on.
So it's like two Christmas songs.
It's like, I gotta say Christmas songs.
I gotta be in a shoot.
Come on, bro.
Help me.
Sing that shit, Arkash.
Let's go.
There you go.
There it is.
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a partridge in a pear tree.
On the second day of Christmas, my Alex Media gave to me two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
And then we're going to substitute those things with Alex Media stuff.
On the first day of Christmas, my true love.
Should we do the things that he's not going to get for Christmas?
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.
What?
It skips to the fourth day of Christmas instead.
Well, there's no third?
It's third right here.
Yeah.
No, but it says on the fourth right above it for no reason.
On the fourth day of Christmas.
Oh, somebody butchered it.
God damn it.
Damn, that is.
Listen, we had a good one with the terrace, and this one kind of flopped.
Kind of flopped.
We did the best that we possibly did.
We tried.
Okay, we tried to incorporate the scene.
I didn't know the song.
At least we got out of there early, just like Alex.
Okay, what you do is just get her a gift that she'll use on the trip.
Or that she can show off to her friends.
Can I get her another mouth?
I don't know if you are.
Merry Christmas, babe.
Here's an esophagus.
Let me tell you how I know you're a rookie in a relationship.
Because that second mouth doesn't get used for talking.
I'm like, yeah, he's a new one.
So they still get lucky to another mouth yet.
What?
Amen.
Yeah, he better return that shit for two years.
She can listen to herself.
Wait, what are you saying now?
Go.
So you just get her a present for something she could use on a trip.
So when I got vacation of Puerto Rico, I just bought a bait into it.
So I should get her like a Burka or something.
I get a Cleopatra costume.
Son, what if I got her a full melchle?
Whatever that is, yep.
I don't know what the fuck.
Son, I don't know.
We let a woman dress up.
That's how you say it.
What?
We let a woman wear what they want.
Never seen an Indian woman wear what they want.
Son.
You got different color sorries.
Yeah.
But it's the same shit.
You just show shoulder.
I don't.
They're covered.
The Indian women are covered.
Nah, sorry, you show a little bit.
And Lenga, you show a little bit.
The Langer?
Yeah, Lenga.
Lenga.
Lenga?
Yeah.
Anyway, you know how they express themselves with them temporary tattoo shit?
Fuck this motherfucker.
I don't want to marry him, but it's in so much detail you can't see it.
Is there a message there?
Yeah.
Yeah, every one of them.
Fuck this motherfucker.
I ain't gonna marry you.
Do you think it is?
Okay, so maybe I get her something.
Maybe I get her like a little Pashmina.
A couple hundred or something, yeah.
Right.
These are cool.
You get a little pashmin, you know.
Yeah.
Whatever she can show off to her friends outside of the trip.
In the, what's it called?
In Egypt.
That's a great thing.
Like, so here's a cool little girlfriend's like, granted.
No, no bullshit.
Because I told her this.
I was like, yo, we're going there.
And she's super respectful.
She understands other cultures.
But I was like, we're going there and we need to be like safe and shit like that.
You know what I mean?
So it's like, I'm going to treat you like they treat their women out of respect for them.
So just keep in mind, like, if I suggest something and then you give any pushback, you're going to get a couple melachal.
Okay.
Son, my family friend went to Dubai and she's like doing very well, whatever business she's in.
And she took her husband.
It was like a work trip.
And these motherfuckers could not understand that she was the one with the job that brought her to Dubai.
They would like go to restaurants and they would ask the husband what she wants to eat.
I love that.
So fucking fun.
I kind of get annoyed when they let her try to wine, not me.
You know, when you order a wine, you don't drink.
But like when you order a bottle of wine or something like that, they give you a little taste.
And sometimes they put it right in front of my girl.
And I'll just, I'll look at the waiter and I'll take that shit out of her hands and I put it in front of me.
Because if I'm paying for this shit, I'm going to be deciding.
I take a little sip and then I let my girl taste and be like, should we get that one?
Because I know nothing about wine.
But don't disrespect me.
Let me put that on her.
And I get that.
You get that.
Yeah.
He gonna put the fucking bill in front of you.
Oh!
You know what I mean?
You gonna put the wine in front of her, but the bill in front of me.
I'm saying.
You're trying to fuck my girl.
I think you missed the whole step.
You so fucked my girl, bro.
I think there's like, all right, from the wine to the bill.
Wine Tasting and Paying the Bill00:01:10
Nah.
You missed like an entire step from like, fuck my girl.
I think, like.
He might have been, though.
Son.
Good luck.
She just had risotto.
That shit gonna stinking.
It's gonna be sticky, too.
I love to get sticky.
Okay, so in all seriousness.
Yes.
Christmas presents.
Christmas present that she can use there.
You feel that way.
That's great.
That's a great call.
You were fucked because you already gave her the Christmas present.
So now I got to buy her another Christmas present.
For how much?
What is limit?
And what do you expect from her?
Silence.
Oh, God.
Hey, you give me, I'll give you gold if you give me golden ass silence.
Yo, if my girl shut up for a week.
One week.
One week to your silence.
So explain this to me.
So she just keeps talking all the time or what?
Yo, what's up?
This is Akash.
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