Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh debate Yahoo's decline, 9/11 conspiracy theories, and Thanksgiving turkey alternatives before tackling the age of "unmolestable" children and defending Singh against Rebecca Ansar's critique of his sexist jokes. They analyze NFL quarterback struggles, mock intersectional sports team names, and discuss testicular surgery, ultimately questioning societal norms regarding gender, comedy, and athlete safety while promoting upcoming shows. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Real Life Kaz Returns00:01:27
What's up, everybody, and welcome to another episode of Flagrant 2 No Easy Buckets.
It's Andrew Schultz here.
I got Akash Singh, real life Kaz or just Kazim.
Just because he's known now back in the day, we used to know him.
The Twitter folks used to know him as real life Kaz.
Now he's the reverse.
Right?
Once you start working for the post, motherfucker got to go by his whole name.
Doing Yahoo ads.
Yeah, bro.
They don't got an on-time schedule on that shit.
This motherfucker did a whole advertisement about how he keeps his schedule together.
You don't.
That's why I have Yahoo Mail.
I'm going to get Google.
Google having a lot of time.
I'm going to think about it, though, because I really don't have a Yahoo Mail account, but you can use your other email accounts with it.
Somebody's like, that's how much Yahoo knows nobody uses Yahoo.
They're like, listen, you ain't changing no.
And listen, know your audience, all right?
Know your goddamn audience.
What is your audience?
70-year-olds in Minnesota?
Who's on Yahoo?
Somebody was like, Yahoo is the burner account male that you use for like porn hubs.
I was like, I'm those guys.
Yahoo's the new hot mail.
Listen.
Son.
Yahoo and hotmail the same shit.
They've both been the old hot mail.
Yeah.
Well, shout out to Adam for creating that and producing that, man.
Shout out to him.
Oh, Eden, you shot that?
Yes, sir.
That's why my fucking Brilliant Idiots clips are late.
You're working on this.
The Brilliant Idiots clips, that one's on me.
Wow.
Because he did send it to me to review it, and I didn't realize he sent it to me.
Know Your Audience00:13:42
All right, fair enough, though.
Fair enough.
You're off.
You're off the hook, Edam.
You're off the hook on this one.
This turkey's been pardoned.
All right.
Alex Media also in the building.
You're we got some fun.
We got some sauce.
Alex came through with the sauce before we started.
I must say, you look very influenced today.
I like your fit.
Got the kids.
Thank you.
Speaking of fits, I like sneakers.
Yo, shut up.
I like sneakers.
Hit the fuck up.
Hold on, son.
Talk about the real thing you want to put your body in.
I want to slap my feet into serious.
This is your trip.
I'm a tripod right now.
We're going to call Alex Sky Miles.
Let's go, Sky Miles.
Let's go, Sky Miles.
I'm mad at the upgrade, bro.
Yo, Alex.
Yo, he got that diamond dish.
Alex.
He got that diamond dish.
Alex out here trying to get free flights.
You never paid for a flight.
That's what I'm saying.
I was like, yo, you already got the flight.
Flights are free.
You're my buddy, Pass.
You are good.
Okay?
I really think he got barter dick.
People listening to this.
He's bartering that stuff.
People listening to this probably don't have proper context.
So before the show, no.
Alex is willing to hook up with a male stewardess.
Yeah.
He's basically like, Alex is willing to go on a date with a male stewardess.
What do you call a male stewardess?
What do you call that?
Akash, what is a male stewardess?
You know what's funny?
If I see a straight male flight attendant, I respect him less.
Why?
Why?
Like a gay flight attendant.
I'm like, that's what's up.
That's what you're supposed to do.
I'm feeling flight.
I was like, you bitch.
Yo, can we be honest here?
Yeah.
Where are the straightest gay flight attendants from?
Attendance done.
I already know, but go.
What do you mean, like, which airline?
What area are the straightest gay flight attendants from?
The straightest gay flight attendants.
The straightest gay flight attendants.
I don't know.
Atlanta, bro.
Anytime I got a connection or anything like that, it's always a black dude.
It's like well fucking kept.
And he kind of like homies me a little bit.
He's like, yeah, can I get you anything?
You good?
All right, cool.
And I'm like, is this a straight flight attendant?
That's just Atlanta.
Second, he gets on that mic, bro.
Them games need to perform, bro.
They need to perform.
We're going to get there when we get there.
That is their time to shine.
Yo, they love this.
They got jokes.
They got bars.
They got a set.
I hate when a pilot tries to be funny.
I'm like, yo, shut the fuck up.
Just give him a drink, bro.
Just drive.
You're not even driving a plane, bro.
You're not even, the computer's driving a plane, right?
Yeah.
That's the easiest job.
That's Tesla.
We ben had to self-drive it.
That is true.
Get it down.
You just got to get it down.
Can I tell you something?
I had a female pilot last night on my flight.
Hold on.
Dead ass three hours late.
Was she black now?
I was about to say, can I tell you how easy it is to fly a plane, low-key?
Here we go.
Yo, terrorists drove that shit right into the Twin Towers, son.
Think about this.
Yo, think about this.
Like, you would think you might miss, right?
It's not like the Twin Towers is that big.
They drove that shit, not like the wing.
Direct hit.
Direct.
Think about that.
Think about that for a second.
I mean, they went to school.
Like, what school?
They went to school.
You don't go to school to drive a 747.
They went to school to drive the little inside job.
It's a lot harder to drive one of those fucking little tiny planes than it is a fucking Airbus.
Sam, think about that.
Think about that.
You ever played the video game and try to get inside all the circles?
Well, like Star Fox?
Yes.
Yeah, Star Fights is easy.
Like, the plane is like mad small and skinny.
It could turn its side.
Yo, that's an inside job, bro.
That's an inside job.
I mean, you just went from saying it's the easiest thing in the world to fly a plane to saying 9-11 had to be an inside job because there's no way flying a plane is that easy.
These terrorists were hanging out in the middle of the station.
100%.
Yo, give me some Tivas because I'm flip.
Your boy out here flip fuck.
You know what I'm saying?
Call me Young Sandals.
No, but I'm saying, think about it, right?
These motherfuckers was hanging in a cave with Osama bin Laden, right?
And three weeks later, you're driving a 747.
If these ain't the most talented mother, yo, Allah might be the real one, bro.
If he bestowed powers to fly a motherfucking 747 jumbo jet in three weeks, you know what's funny?
A lot of these people try to blame the Jews.
It's like, you know, Jews can't drive that shit like that.
Why?
Were they not going to drive it?
I don't know if a Jew could do anything manual labor.
Son, that's not my man.
Handle my money.
But that's not manual.
You can refinance the plane, I'm sure.
Get you a great interest rate.
But is that manual?
It's not manual.
Yeah, it's pretty.
Fam.
I drove a plane.
This shit is not easy.
You just said it was easy.
You just said it was not easy.
You literally just said this.
Yo.
Which side I'm on?
Hey, I'm about to.
Hey, no, I'm about to.
I'm about to double down on whatever side I'm on.
I just lost track.
Which side am I on?
What are you telling us?
He started saying, like, yo.
It's an inside job, Kaz.
You're talking about the stewardess.
Like, yo, fly the fucking plane.
And he said, yo, it's an easy job.
And he said, look how easy it was for these guys that were just in a cave last week to fly in a plane into a big building.
Can I ask y'all a question?
Why didn't none of these stewards just pop out a titty or something?
These motherfuckers was virgins, bro.
They never touched pussy in their time.
They took one down.
It's like the one that in the Pentagon or the DC.
Man, do you believe that shit, bro?
The plane hit the Pentecost.
Yo, the plane hit the Pentecost.
The whole back of this shit was out.
I'm like, no, no way.
Hit the one spot where no one was working that day.
America think they slick.
We had one hero pilots tickle, tackle, tackle, tickle, tackle down the terrorist and save a bunch of people.
Really?
Never talk about that shit.
One titty.
These motherfuckers have not seen a titty their whole life.
They've been in a cave.
You think one singular titty?
A singular American titty.
Okay?
I'm not talking about one of these Afghan titties got hair all over it.
I'm talking about an American.
Wow.
Yo.
Yo.
I'm talking about freshly waxed American titty.
Yo, you know what, though?
What if we go on about all this shit all wrong?
Like, what if to get information out of terrorists, you didn't need a waterboard?
You just got to suck their dick a couple times.
It's just like, yeah, whatever you want.
That's it.
A titty, bro.
One titty.
Like that.
Boom.
I don't think they're going to be able to do it.
But what if 72 women on the plane got up at the same time?
They're like, guess what?
You're actually already in heaven.
Yo, what if they coordinated that?
72 women, guys, you're in heaven.
Here we are.
And then they didn't fly the plane into it.
I'm just thinking on my feet.
Clearly.
What I would do.
What I would do in that situation.
You would have nudged your girl like, yo, pop that fucking pussy.
Yo, what's fucking good?
Save some lives.
You know what I mean?
We out here trying to save American lives.
Yeah, so like, so like if you're with a woman, and she gets robbed at gunpoint with you, instead of stepping in front of you, you're like, yo, just fuck him.
Suck his toes.
No, that's different.
What do you mean?
Because the robber already had pussy.
All right, so let's.
Okay.
Let's rewind a little, bro.
So these terrorists, they had box cutters on the plane, all right?
They were poking people up.
They were?
Yeah, they were poking some box cutters up.
You know what I mean?
After they poked a few people, you think the next move.
I didn't say it for obvious reasons.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Actually, wait a minute.
Nobody on the plane knew they were flying it into the towers.
No.
So a box cutter works.
No, it don't.
Son, now a box cutter ain't working.
Of course.
Back in the day, a box cutter worked.
Because you look at these guys like, you ain't going to fly the shit into the fucking landing somewhere.
And then we're going to fly into the plane.
They didn't know what the fuck was going to happen.
Because before terrorism, right?
Yo, let me tell you, I figured some shit out.
Before terrorism, you never really need a TSA because the implication was the TSA was for drugs and shit.
Because the implication was, well, everybody wants to live.
Everything our life was based on.
Right?
And then when motherfuckers started risking their life to take someone out, it's like, oh, we need to switch everything.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
So, boom.
Where were we?
That's why it's so easy to fly plane right now.
That's why it's hard, bro.
Now that I think it's not that shit.
It's not always easy.
Fuck it.
It just said it was easy.
Son.
I don't know what flight school these motherfuckers went to, but that got to be the best goddamn flight school.
Is it Maverick from Top Gun teaching that shit?
As Tom Cruise teaching the motherfucking 747 They were in the dangerous home They flew right into it But that's not odd that both of them hit me I got it.
Actually, I know what the music was.
Oh, God.
Meet me in the corner.
Yo, damn, my girl and I talked about this today.
Anytime we're like, yo, why don't you meet me?
The next thing we want to say is, yo, why don't you just meet me?
Me in the corner in the corner at the park of this garage.
Whoever says they didn't think that was the fucking words for at least five years of the life is lying.
It's so funny.
You cannot say meet me without finishing with in the corner at the parking lot.
Someone tries to hijack the plane with a box cutter now.
What's going down?
Immediately they got fucked up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Straight up.
Oh, they jumped off.
You?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
I'm going for the hero.
I want that.
I want that whole situation.
I'm going to pretend that they're going to think I'm on their side and then I'm going to think.
They probably my size.
We can scrap.
I was about to say, like, they probably got to see the song.
I said to knock Arkash out too.
You will, fam.
Nah, you knew this was going to happen.
So boop.
We just take out Arkash real quick and then we go after that with the box.
Well, he'll hope you are mole.
So like we'll let him like detail.
What they're saying, dog.
But they're saying, I'm genius.
What happened, bro?
Not time to divide y'all.
What are they saying?
When the time is right, that's an Akash fucking sneaks right in the juggler, right?
Stick him.
He's the hero.
Stick him, bro.
No bullshit.
No bullshit.
That's why it's easy to fly.
No bullshit.
Exit row, son.
Your boy in the exit, row.
Yeah.
What you do at the exit, bro.
Son, if you're in the exit row, you got to save the plane.
They do be asking you.
You are guarding.
I take that shit, man, seriously, sir.
Do you?
I look in right in the eyes.
I go.
Oh, So I'm going to let you hear you say that shit.
Yo, yo.
I say yes, but I also survey everyone on the plane to let them know.
I'm your protector.
I'm here to protect you in case anything.
In case we land this giant ass plane on the water, I know we fly into fucking Mississippi, but in case we land this plane on the water, ain't no water from here to Mexico.
But in case we find water and we land it, I'm going to pop the door open.
I'll do something different.
I'll do something different.
I look at the other exit row and I like try to judge him.
I'm like, nah, he ain't here.
He got it.
Hey, Gary.
They look at me and they're like, oh, yeah, nah, he got it.
Hey, I got it.
Holds the door.
He's looking strong.
He was on a flight.
And we went to the exit row.
What did I do?
Right after she asked you that, you was like, oh, absolutely.
Absolutely.
He's like, I'm going out first and closing the door behind me.
Damn.
Hey, no.
You know what they say?
Put the oxygen on you before the kids.
Like, save yourself first.
Put your own oxygen mask on first.
Isn't that fucked up?
You got this poor kid next to you dying.
Wait, wait, wait.
I look, son, I look right at that kid like, oh, now you're not crying.
Oh, now you're not crying on the flight.
All of a sudden, when shit gets serious, you want some fucking oxygen.
Have y'all ever been on a flight when the oxygen comes down?
Nah.
I'd panic.
I wouldn't do it.
Oxygen Mask First00:03:32
What?
Fuck with it.
Yo, I'd fucking once I was on.
And what happened, son?
Nah, everybody got scared.
It was like the something with the landing gear was fucked up.
And so we had to circle above Vegas for about three and a half hours because we were too heavy.
Like it was a flight from LA to New York.
You had to let the gas go down in weight.
Before we can land.
Whoa.
And that shit was crazy because we were just up there, nobody knowing what the fuck was happening.
And the initial thing, it was like the mask dropped initially.
So we're like, off jump.
What the fuck is going on?
Were they saying any jokes?
Was a pilot saying any jokes?
I would have come through.
I'd be like, y'all wanted to gamble.
Y'all came here.
I'm so Indian.
I was like, yo, did you get miles for those things?
They only gave us a lot of money.
They only gave us credit for another flight.
That's it.
They gave you credit for another flight?
That's solid.
They don't offer the miles?
If you get a fight in three and a half hours, they ain't doing shit.
My flight was delayed three hours.
I ain't got no email from United.
I was just waiting for somebody to do one of those class action lawsuits.
I kept checking back.
Oh, to see if you can get off for it.
You ain't got to take that.
I don't know how to start that shit myself, but I'll definitely hop auction settlement.
You get like six bucks.
It's just so stupid.
Every time I see something online, I sign up for it.
I think I got a BA Sports.
What's a class action though?
What is that?
Where like they just sue everybody on behalf of one person.
Yeah, so like Johnson's baby powder had that shit recently where it turns out that baby powder is causing cancer and shit.
Son, Johnson be fucking everybody up.
Johnson and Johnson ain't shit bad.
Most people got mad, buddy, because everybody used fucking baby powder.
So baby powder fucks you up?
Johnson and Johnson fucks you up.
But they fixed it.
They fixed it now.
I think it's just like, what do they do?
I don't trust no Johnson's, yo.
I don't trust Johnson or Johnson or Magic or motherfucking.
There was somebody else I forgot.
There was another Johnson I don't trust.
Johnson.
Yeah.
But what do they do?
What else do they give you?
Johnson.
That's it.
They just give you a little money.
I think they had to shoot with somebody.
It was a big ass reward, and then they split it amongst everybody who settle, and you get like $5.
$80 million.
Everyone gets a $50.
They had to shut down one of their factories because there were so many health hazards that they just straight shut the factory down.
Wow.
Johnson and Johnson be wilding.
Yeah, man.
Just sign up for all them shits because they can't prove that you didn't.
Yeah, I got like a few bucks from the NCAA.
Yo, classactionlawsuit.com.
That's a website somebody should start.
Do you think you were like, somebody should start a website where you can just figure out what big-ass class action lawsuits are going on and just see if you can join in?
Genius.
You might have to edit that.
Yeah, but then we're not going to get any money if everybody knows about it.
Son, you get like six bucks anyway.
I mean, let's give everybody a dollar all that.
Listen.
Imagine you sign up for a bunch of them shits.
You've got a bunch of low-checks coming up.
I'm not going to lie.
If other people hit their head on that pole over on the west side of New York, I would sign up for that.
What happened with that fucking pole?
Do they move it yet?
I don't know.
I'm not certain.
I'm not certain, bro.
I'm not certain as to what happened with that.
They already did.
SmartPower.
Fitbit.
Okay.
Ooh, I can get up with that Fitbit.
Yo, Fitbit.
How many steps do you get for finger blasting?
Like, if you're really getting in there like that.
That's about 30 right there.
That's 30 steps.
That's about 30 right there.
That was traps.
That was all that.
Low-key, people don't realize how much finger blasting.
I haven't finger blasted in a while, but after my finger blasting days, bro.
Damn.
Bro, my finger blasting days when I was out here finger fucking, dude.
This shit right here.
AIDS Making a Comeback00:09:12
Son, dude.
Yeah, Latz for Mad Strong.
Son, Latsman Strong.
Sometimes I catch a rigamortis.
Like that, that shit would get locked in like that.
Like that, what is that thing called?
The old one.
Carpool tunnels?
Carporal.
I get some carpool tunnels, baby.
I get my carpool tunnels going.
I look like I'm throwing gang shit up.
Like it's on set.
Split finger.
Fingering this bitch on crip.
This younger generation doesn't change the whole base system situation.
You know, first base, second base, third base.
Our first base is fucking.
Yeah.
Wait, what?
Because generation, they think kissing is more intimate than fucking.
That's why all the old school fucking diseases is coming back.
Like, it's retro.
Which diseases are coming back?
Fucking AIDS is making a comeback.
I thought we had AIDS.
I thought we had AIDS like in the bag for who got AIDS?
Like a lot of people got AIDS recently, like in DC.
My AIDS was acting up.
Real some testing off.
I was taking Roman testing.
I'm fine now.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
AIDS is making a comeback, yo.
Where?
Who got AIDS?
DC.
I heard like DC.
That was like a DC?
Damn.
DC.
I was watching that shit last night, bro.
That's funny you said that shit, yo.
Love that.
What?
What is it?
I don't like it, I don't like it.
They're looking over from Maryland, like, hmm, that looks dangerous.
Nah, nah, nah.
But real time.
DC got beating up Nebros like hot cakes.
That's the main issue.
Yo.
Yeah, so apparently the HIV is out there in DC, like heavy.
Bro, that shit left.
When did that really leave?
But it kind of cold.
I mean, it wasn't getting no like specials no more.
They wasn't getting no like Jerry Lewis run down.
Like they really stopped giving a fuck about HIV around like 99, 2001.
Son.
And that shit made a bro.
Once Magic beat it, we're all like, we got that shit.
I started rawing again.
Yeah.
Once I knew for a fact, Magic beat it.
You could see the HIV from a mile away.
I'm like, yeah, that don't look safe.
Yo.
You ever like make judgments on people you think have AIDS?
Yeah, that's so funny that Kaz was very confidently like, I would eyeball who had STDs.
Nah, you don't eyeball that.
I don't know what's that.
I dead ass can see who got it.
Of course.
Alex really thinks he can see if people have AIDS.
It only applies to white people.
Maybe not.
That's not that ever seen.
That's not true.
What black guy did you see?
There was a light-skinned black dude in the airport that I thought.
When you say they look like they got AIDS, you just mean they look gay.
No, no, trust me.
You can see it.
What if we reverse psychology to terrorists?
What?
What if the terrorists are like, we're driving this into the Twin Towers?
And we're like, that's what we were going.
And then they're like, what?
This is the flight right into the Twin Towers.
Like, but we have to take it somewhere different.
I mean, I guess L.A. I don't know when we get back here.
I figured it out.
I'm still thinking.
I figured it out.
Are you still trying to prove to yourself that it's hard to fly planes?
That shit is difficult.
Y'all never flown a plane before, dude.
First of all, you never see in the movies when you got to go up real quick how much they got to pull it?
Yes.
I watched Hobbs and Shaw this week.
You love that fucking movie.
That fucking movie is the stop it.
That movie is the shit.
Stop it.
That's the best fucking movie I've ever seen in my life.
That is the exact reason why anybody should go to a movie.
I want to see shit get blown up.
I want to see one-liners.
I want to see comical violence where The Rock is like holding onto a helicopter with one hand and a truck with another fucking hand.
Nah, nah, man.
And gets the bitch at the end.
It saves the fucking world.
Does he kiss her?
Does he kiss her?
He kisses her.
Which one?
Shobs or Haw?
Shaw's sister.
She's the virus.
So who fucks the girl Peanuts?
I think The Rock fucked the girl.
I think so.
Only The Rock could do that shit, bro.
Of course he could.
Imagine the rock fingered you, bro.
He takes that shit off.
Oh, my God, son.
That shit come out your mouth like a drink.
Could do no wrong.
You ever see them country motherfuckers stick their hand inside the gills and out the mouth of the bass?
No.
You ain't never seen that?
Oh, bro.
Y'all never watch bass videos?
I seen like Kevin Durant do that.
What?
Fishing to himself?
No, I was Kevin Durant.
I don't think it was Katie.
It was Kawai.
Kevin's down there.
With his whole fucking fist and forearm and his own ass.
I'm like, nah, I don't think that's the way it goes, Kevin.
You never heard Kevin Durant in that interview?
He was like, damn, I'm constipating.
He just reached in there, grabbed this whole shit out himself and threw it down.
You never seen that?
Yeah, he just fixed up in there, pulled that doodle out, goddamn, pulled that poo-poo out, poo-poo, anyway.
Can we talk about the Western Commons play of the week yet or no?
Flagrant takes?
No, yeah, we need Flagrant Thanks.
Flagrant Thought of the Week, Flagrant Thought of the Week, and then we get into that bullshit.
Why is it bullshit?
Why is it bullshit?
What fucking PR PR stunts the league is doing right now?
Who cares if James Harden scored 60 and three quarters?
Who cares?
James Harden's dropping 60.
Luca Doncich is having a triple double.
Mellow scores 19 points, and they're like, Western conference.
So stupid.
3-0.
57 when he's on the courts.
He started 0-2.
Doesn't matter.
They picked him up off the street and said ran the offense through him.
No Lillard.
No, Lillard's back.
Now he's back.
Yeah, those are 60s back.
They've been 3-0.
Whatever.
Let's go to Flagrant Thought of the Week before we got this praise, this Mellow, stupid Mellow praise.
Hate it.
Go on.
I didn't really have a Flagrant Thought.
I will say this: this Black Friday, Cyber Monday shit is for the birds, I'm realizing.
I didn't see no good deals.
Like, no laptops, no TV.
If you need to buy big ticket shit, how do you say laptop?
I bought a bed in an Indian accent.
Lept up.
Lept up.
No laptop.
Tapped up.
Lept up.
I think.
My Indian accent is not good, though.
I just did that to it.
Appease me.
Yeah, tap dance for y'all.
Why is that tap dancing?
I just can't cool.
I can't be a comedian and be super like militant about my own shit.
You know what I mean?
I can't draw lines in my own shit.
What do you mean?
I can't be like, Indian shit is off limits.
Exactly.
We're just talking about 9-11.
You can't do a fucking Indian accent after y'all blew it up.
Don't ever confuse me with the Muslim accent.
Real motherfucking rat?
God damn.
Next time you compare it to an Indian.
Next time we compare it to a Muslim, we got to meet him at the corner.
That's on site.
Motherfucker.
Yo, why do the Muslims always want to meet at the corner of the parking lot?
Is that where they parked a van that they run into 18 van ski mask?
Oh my God.
This is the only boat.
This is the only place left.
The only place left we could talk like this.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
On planet.
We're blessed, bro.
God bless.
We are blessed.
Okay, so Flagrant Talks.
You didn't see no deals.
Just look the hustle is if you got some shit you want to buy like from any company, just random shit, just go there and they'll probably have like a hey, 20% off for Cyber Monday.
But that's it.
Like I bought like t-shirts that I knew I was like, oh, I want to buy t-shirts or whatever from Lacoste.
So I was like, oh, okay, they'll have a sale.
That's it.
So it's bullshit, this whole Cyber Monday.
Nonsense, yo.
Good, because I never took it.
If you're waking up at four in the morning like a fucking loser, go back to sleep, though.
It's over.
Spend some time with your family, you fucking bum.
Family?
Why?
Why?
What I don't understand is why it has this reputation of having, and why people are fighting for deals.
I think it's the hype.
I think we just get caught up in the fun and the hype.
So the real shit is that they'll take one, maybe two items, crazy discounted.
So they'll have like a big screen TV for like $80.
It's usually not like a great.
Yeah, they'll have some crazy, but it's never like good.
There's only like 20 of them.
Ah, so you got to run in there and get that.
So that when we see the fight thing, it's only for that.
That one item.
But if you want to laptop, then you can't get it, right?
Nah, not really.
Nothing is your Indian accent.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
Real talk, my girls is fucking fantastic, so I hope her rub's off.
It's embarrassing, though.
Hers are so good.
She does such funny impressions of her dad, and I just sit there fucking as a comedian being like, I would love to tag this, but I can't.
You guys should embrace this hilarious accent that you've been bestowed.
Embrace the Hilarious Accent00:08:53
I think you mean sexy, but yes.
I don't know if it's sexy.
Son, son, can you talk about it?
You give me some sexy talk in an Indian accent.
There's no way to talk about it.
Hold on, hold on.
I need y'all to talk dirty.
Let's talk sexy talk.
I need y'all to talk dirty.
Beat, talk dirty.
I need that sexy Indian.
Give me a line.
Line?
You gotta do it.
Would you like to see the cobra?
Oh, snake look at Charlie.
No, give me something good.
Give me something good.
Who is your daddy?
Tell me.
Meet me.
Okay, wait, wait.
More talking dirty.
More talking dirty.
Okay, listen.
What if you want to?
What if you want to have intercourse from behind?
How would you say, how would you say to a girl, like, yo, that's how I'm going to have sex with you?
What would you say?
Let me hit it from the background.
Listen.
Listen.
Take off your pants.
Take up your pants.
But when you hit it from the back.
It's not good, yo.
I wish my girl was here.
She'd actually killed us.
Unwrap your clothing.
I'm going to penetrate you.
I'm going to penetrate you from the bottom.
Listen.
It's so bad.
Let's hear the cass's Indian accent.
Talking dirty.
Give me a center.
Give me sit there.
Give me some.
This is Cass talking dirty.
Here is one time I won't come late.
I understood that reference.
You got it.
You got it.
Listen.
Listen.
All right.
So you know when you see a girl, you got to be a little bit more.
I mean, Beyonce might be better than anyone.
Just the one word.
Listen.
We're going to go to the back of the room.
I'm going to take off her panties.
Funties.
Funty.
It's not all fun.
It's not good, but it's not all fun.
Going to sleep.
My big pink cobra.
My wiper.
Can you deliver?
Oh, my God.
I gave him my best shot.
It wasn't bad.
That wasn't bad.
That wasn't bad.
He had a weird clutch jaw thing below.
Yeah, Indian talking dirty as the wave, bro.
I'm not doing that shit.
How do you say, how do you say, ride?
Ride.
Ride my balls.
How do you say?
Fondle my balls.
Fondle my balls.
I can't do it, man.
No?
I don't have, I'm losing confidence in my own fake accent.
So vulnerable.
It's so embarrassing.
It's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Nah, I want a good Indian accent.
The only reason I don't do one on stage is because I don't, I'm not good at it.
You don't feel comfortable.
I never like, I never want to be like, it's immoral.
I don't want to make fun of my.
I think Indian accents are great.
I'm not embarrassed by them.
I'll do an audition with an Indian accent as long as you're not making fun of the guy for being Indian.
Like, if the joke is that he's Indian, I'm not doing that.
But if it's just he has an accent and says funny things, my dad has an accent and says funny things.
Right.
So, that's my line.
But I just don't do it on stage because I'm not good at it.
If I was good at it, I'd crush this.
My nationality isn't your punchline.
Oh, yeah.
Stop trying to fuck white women.
Whoever you are.
Oh, God.
Okay.
What's the problem with you?
What?
Who?
Whoa.
That was a shot.
What happened?
That was a shot.
A shot fired.
Maybe some of you guys can put that together.
Yeah.
I didn't.
I didn't get it.
You didn't do it?
I don't know.
I don't touch the white woman.
How do Africans, how do Africans talk dirty?
Africans talk dirty?
Yeah.
Okay.
Let me think.
Let me think.
I need a scenario.
Okay.
Lisa.
Lisan.
Come here, Joe.
Let me squeeze your buttocks.
Buttocks.
Take my thumb and your buttocks.
Ooh, they like that?
Uh-uh.
Ajani.
Akata.
Okay.
Yeah, I guess I got the same thing with Akash with the African accent.
It's hard.
It's hard.
You know, it can't just.
It's sucks.
Let's throw it on.
Your job is being funny.
Maybe some random fucking Indian can do it better than me.
Guys.
Okay, so that was your flagrant thought.
I don't know how the fuck we got there.
I don't know.
Chaz, do we have a flagrant thought?
Laptop.
That's how we got it.
Laptop.
Laptop.
I want you to be my laptop.
God damn.
I want to open you.
I want to turn you on.
Turkey's fucking whack, bro.
Oh, shit.
Turkey is whack, dog.
I had good turkey for the first time this year.
Turkey's whack.
What?
What?
Yeah, my man.
What do you do?
Baste it or whatever?
Buttermilk.
For like two days or whatever.
Brian, no, brining.
He brought it.
It was great.
It was a good thing.
I see motherfuckers deep Friday turkey.
I slowly try that.
Deep frying.
I had a fried turkey there too.
Wasn't that good?
It's still dry.
How does turkey dry?
Turkey shouldn't be the main meat of Thanksgiving, bro.
Bro, I'm telling you.
Why can't it just be like it?
I think it might be in dropping in.
But I think that's why we killed the Native Americans.
I think they viewed it as an attack.
Because turkey back then wasn't, you couldn't brine it.
You're not putting buttermilk on it.
You're not doing all these tricks to make it not super fucking leathery.
And if that was your peace offering, like that was the moment where you come together where you decide if you guys are going to live or die.
Right?
That's the moment.
So you think they got the turkey as a peace offering and they were like, well, well, we got one for you too.
Get the blankets.
Get the blankets.
That's literally what I say.
Black stuff in the mouth.
It's cold out tonight, Chief.
Here are some blankets.
So I agree with you.
I think turkey wildly overrated.
If we had to replace turkey as the main meat of Thanksgiving, what do you replace it with?
Chicken.
Chicken?
That's what Alex does?
We've already replaced it.
Yeah.
Your chicken is so much better.
We got a hand so much better.
Why is it looking so much better?
I don't know.
Because it's not so fucking dry.
They're both poultries.
Yeah.
But you bite into a turkey and you feel pause.
You feel like all the moisture just leave your mouth.
It just pauses.
Sucks all the moisture out of your mouth.
You bite into it.
Like fucking douse it in gravy or cranberry sauce or whatever.
Fucking pause.
I just don't like getting the moisture sucked out of my mouth.
Yeah.
It's a thing.
Sorry.
Okay.
I think steak.
I would do like a fucking steak is good.
Maybe like roast.
A big old pot roast.
No, you need a fucking Fred Flintstone.
What's the guy's name?
Salt Bay size fucking steak.
Just throw that shit in the middle of the fucking table and say happy Thanksgiving.
I'll be way more thankful for that shit.
I'm with it.
I'm with it.
And that's an animal you got to kill.
You can't just go pick that shit up in the fucking store.
That's what probably would save Thanksgiving.
Yeah.
Like go and kill a real fucking animal, like an animal that took some fucking effort to fucking kill like a steer or a fucking big ass fucking cow.
Not no bitch ass turkey.
Right.
Where they got millions of them.
And that's why they serve them to you because it's too many and they're trying to fucking control turkey population.
Oh, damn.
Can't fucking steak.
You're feeling away about these things.
Sorry, I just don't like turkey, bro.
I mean, it's good with all the other shit.
I wouldn't just eat about it.
But anyway, what's your flagrant thought?
My flagrant thought is this is not so much a flagrant thought.
Thanking the Animal00:15:28
I'm trying to understand why this was like a contentious issue with me and my girl.
My girl told me that she was on her period and then I told her I was like, oh, you're going to do some sucking.
And then she and then she was like, oh, that makes me not in the mood or something like that.
And I didn't understand that.
Oh, fuck.
Because like, if that's like understood.
Yeah, but not only is it understood, I think it's.
It's the one time you can be like overly, not aggressive, but like overly communicative about what you want tonight.
It's like, oh, I'm on your period.
Because it had to come up in conversation.
Like, oh, really?
He was about to, you know, reach for the drawers.
Oh, you know, period.
No, no, we were just sitting there watching.
I'm going to eat this sentence.
The watchman.
I think if it's unspoken, it's better than you're going to do some sucking.
It's the one time I'm going to do that.
I didn't say it like that.
I was like, you're going to do some sucking tonight.
No, no.
No, but like, I said it jokingly, obviously.
But I guess what I was trying, what I'm thinking is that if my girl is like, oh, you're going to eat this pussy or something like that to me, I wouldn't be turned off by it.
I'd be like, hell yeah, I'm going to eat that pussy.
Any kind of sexual thing.
Because it's rare for women to do that, though.
It's rare for women to be like pussy.
Yeah, maybe if they said it like that, it wouldn't be.
Well, not my voice, obviously.
It's pussy.
Like, that's not.
You sound like cash.
That's not going to be sexy.
That's not going to be sexy at all.
But you know what I'm saying?
Like, the idea, obviously, I said it with some sarcasm.
But I think what it is, is we've built this stigma up about girls' periods.
Because if she wasn't.
What time out?
Have you rent a red light with her before?
Yeah, but I don't like that first day shit.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's what I'm saying.
You got to let it a little plugged and shit.
So it don't go right down a drain.
Yeah, you know.
So you just got this.
You never get the accidental water.
Say again?
Like, when you set off the time of the month?
They be fronting about that.
Oh, you started my period.
No, you knew you had your period.
You just want to shit down there.
Yeah.
Shut up.
Yeah.
I'm just starting abortion.
That's what you'd be stuck at.
You'd be up there with your own.
Own scoop, scoop.
My girl knows the exact day, time, and minute when her shit's about to hit, bro.
She got that shit down.
She has a fucking science alarm and I bing gong done.
They know exactly what it is.
Come on.
Let's go.
Hey, no, you're not going to start them up right now.
You know what would be mad weird, though, if, like, just uncontrollably, once a month, your dick just started leaking anything.
It doesn't have to be blood.
It could be tea.
But outside of that, I know you kill yourself, but like, how vulnerable would that be?
Like, literally, they're just at dinner.
And then they just feel liquid start to drip out of their bodies.
Yeah.
And they just have to get up.
They've got some soil panties they got to wear for the rest of the day.
Put your little diaper on or your little stick or whatever.
It's crazy.
What would we wear?
Would we wear like a dick mummy right?
I'd wear a whole pamper, dude.
I'd be like, I would just pamper as a child.
You wear pamper as a child?
I tried it once.
Yeah.
When my brother was wearing pampers, I was a little bit older because I was like, oh, I hate getting out of bed.
I'll just pee into this pamper.
And let me tell you something.
You remember.
You don't remember how awful it is to have a wet diaper.
Like, you cry as a kid when you wet your diaper, but you're not like, oh, it's because it's annoying to have a wet diaper.
The commercials make it seem like it soaks all up and then dry and then it's done.
It's awful to be in a wet diaper.
Yeah.
I remember the last time I wore a diaper.
What?
Like, I remember the last time I wore it.
Like, I remember, not wore a diaper.
I remember the last time I peed my pants.
Oh, those are really shit.
Yeah.
Sorry.
I'm just remembering the feeling of just like walking around, just knowing you have.
Were you drunk?
Did you piss yourself drunk?
No, this is like my younger day.
Like, I didn't have like bowel control issues like past seven.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Like, but, you know, like, I remember just that uncomfortable feeling.
I was like, damn, is this word?
Like, did I, I did this for like three years of my life.
I just walked around with a diaper and just pee and shit.
And a lot of times my mom didn't know so she smelled me.
Yeah.
That's weird.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But that's just part of it.
Yeah.
I'd rock one.
I can't wait to rock one when I'm older.
A diaper.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess you just fucking got it.
It just, it's not, it's not the most comfortable.
I don't even know how we got into this.
You're talking about periods.
Yo.
So if we had to leak something out of our.
It's just wild that they'll walk around that whole day knowing at any point in time they could start bleeding.
Well, that's why they're so angry when it's when it's time of the month.
That's why they're so angry.
They're just like, fuck, I know this shit is coming.
Fuck.
It's like an intense anxiety.
Yeah, it's like once it's there, then it's like, all right, it's here, whatever.
But like before it gets there.
The female period is shockingly unfair.
Wait, explain how I don't think I see that.
He said something, and I think they edited this out of Elephant in the Room.
We went to the taping and he said something like that.
You have to tap him for that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I literally, I swear to God, and not even bullshitting you.
When I was like single, like in my early 20s, that was like my fucking, that was my, that was, that was the barometer of any girl I was dating.
Like, they would come over, I would throw that shit on, and if they didn't laugh at that shit, I knew it wasn't going to fucking work.
Wow.
I'm like, we have to, like, and my girls has the same exact fucking humor that I have.
So she's probably worse than that, than me, actually.
Like, she's still listening to R. Kelly.
She wants to start this thing called Canceled Radio, where he just plays nothing but that's Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson, it slaps.
Van Halen, Rolling Stones.
Everybody who touched girls.
Oh, yeah.
Wait, Van Halen's on this girl?
All those rock stars did, dude.
They would sing about them in their songs.
They were like, they were passing around something like that.
It's a 14-year-old girl, yeah.
She was like a big diaper in them.
Big whore.
But that's the only thing.
But she was like a big groupie.
She was like, that was like part of her identity.
But you know what?
The other thing that's interesting is that if you go back far enough in history, 14-year-olds ran countries.
You know what I mean?
Like, I forget.
There was some Chinese emperor who was like 13 or 14 years old.
And it's like, okay, so if he gets some pussy, someone's raping the emperor.
So the real issue, I think, is childhood is longer now.
Right.
Like when you were 13 before, it's life or death.
It's full life.
You are, yeah.
You are like, you're a grown fucking person.
Go figure out life.
Go kill food.
Go do whatever you do.
Now, 13 years old, it's like you're in middle school.
You're in the safe thing.
It's like a very different.
Mentally, you're not grown up at all.
You don't think that at what point are you unmolestable?
What?
Like, at what point do you become unmolestable?
Like, for me.
I didn't realize how ridiculous that question was.
I was about to honestly answer it.
I was like.
17 for boys is like 10 for boys like 11 12.
Unmolestable and I'm being generous.
Not for boys, for girls.
Boys.
I'm not talking about girls.
Girls, you can molest them up to like 40.
But guys, you can molest a girl at 40 years old, right?
She'll have some fucking reason why, right?
So, but unmolestable.
You never had a girl 40 say that she was molested?
Not yet.
That's basically why I bought them Cosby girls.
It was all the cover of the New Yorker.
There was like 90 at the time.
When the fuck did this happen?
Yo, black ass cast coming through, yo.
It's because he wanted to buy NBC.
Oh, man.
Yo, shout out Bill Cosby, yo.
He was like, what do you mean?
He said he refused to apologize.
He was like, yo, no, I didn't do any of this.
Like, I was like, yo, granted, you probably did some horrible shit, but that motherfucker is like not giving it.
Like, he's got a lot of money.
I mean, he got nothing to lose.
He's had a full life.
He's got to give it take a few years left.
Like, why not just die on your sword?
Like, fuck it.
Go out on his shield.
Back to boys unmolested.
Raping women.
Jesus.
Okay.
I think there is a play here that's unfair with the church when the church gets involved.
Right.
Obviously, when the church gets involved, there's like another force here that's molesting.
Right?
But makes it more molestable.
Yes.
Yes.
But non-church, just like teacher, that kind of shit.
Yes.
I think 14.
Female teacher.
Female teacher.
You're straight.
I think 14, you're aware enough mentally of what's like I knew which teachers I thought were hot and which teachers I did not think were hot.
And I would have had sex with them at 14 without a fucking question.
I think 14 is fair enough for unmolestable.
You could say there's something from the teacher to you, but I don't think you could say I was.
Do you know what I'm saying?
So I think the big thing about being molested at that age is the mental thing because it's a power thing.
Like it's not, it's never been a sexual thing.
It's always about just like, oh, I hold power over this people.
That's why the R. Kelly shit is so fucked up.
Cause it's like.
No, but for boys, you're not like, oh, she has power over me.
You're like, I'm getting some pussy.
Yeah, that's why nobody cares.
Nobody cares.
Social studies.
So nobody does power over those people.
That's what I'm saying for boys.
Nobody cares when boys get molested.
But that's the bullshit about the power over me thing in school because we were bad in class.
So clearly they weren't overpowering us.
It's not like the church shit is different because you could say God wanted you to suck your dick.
And you're like, damn, I believe in God.
So if that's what God wants, whatever.
But if the teacher is like, I want to suck your dick.
Yeah, that's you.
You know how dumb you were at 14, though?
You know the stupid shit we all believed at that age?
Like, what?
You would think if you had like a D on your fucking report card, you were going to die.
Like your dad was a little bit more.
You're not literally Syrian, bro.
You got to understand.
You didn't?
No.
You didn't really know, man.
You never said never.
And you're like, oh man, my mom's going to kill me.
No, no.
I was just thinking about how I'm going to change that D to like a B and just pass that shit over.
You're not going to see all the missed fucking.
See, I hate when people do this shit, right?
When they have like, oh, why don't you just change the grade?
I'm like, they're not going to see all the fucking missed fucking answers over here.
I'm like, oh, I guess that's an A plus.
Like, that doesn't make any fucking difference.
Yo, your parents know the answers.
That's the difference.
Damn.
My parents don't know the answers to that fucking high math and shit.
Fuck out of here, bro.
And then if you do bad, you just blame the teachers.
Like, oh, it's a bad teacher.
Everybody, all the kids are bad.
Yeah, the whole class.
How many times did you get your ass up as a kid?
I mean, a little bit, but you didn't go like that.
That's never for grades, bro.
You didn't get answered enough as a kid, bro.
You don't give a fuck that.
He's in college.
Okay, we're getting off the point here.
The point is back to the...
What is molesting?
Yeah, the point is the unmolestable age.
Okay, so it's like I think the teacher is wrong.
The teacher can be like statutory raping the kid, right?
Her behavior to the kid is bad, but the kid can't say I was the boy can't say I was raped.
That's basically the Michael Jackson thing, right?
That's what people were saying about him.
No, no, no.
Let's not.
I don't want to get into that.
I just want to speak female teacher to me.
I can only speak about me at 14.
Male student, female teacher, 14, 15, 16.
We're talking about.
We're talking about younger.
I'll go 12.
The moment your dick gets hard, you're.
It's trickier.
It's trickier when we're outside of high school.
Let's just, let's just, because look, there's always a number, right?
Let's just try to find a number.
14, 15, 16.
The teacher is inappropriate.
Yes.
But as a student, you don't care that much about your grades, right?
There's nothing really the teacher can hold over you.
You're not being abused here.
It's not abuse.
You're not being abused.
You're being abused, but you aren't abused.
How do I, you don't understand what I'm saying?
And they're a teacher.
So it's a teaching moment.
I guess.
I mean, for you got to, you got, what's the statue of limitations on that shit, though?
It's like when you're a teenage, like, I know, like, I'm guessing here, clearly, but like, I think like 90% of like those dudes that get molested by like the hot older teacher that ends up on the news, like, oh man, this girl fucking slept with like some 14-year-old or whatever.
Like, you don't think they're really fucked up until like 20 years down the line.
Like, for the first like five, 10 years of that shit, they're like, oh, I was talking about my teacher in high school, man.
You're the fucking man, right?
Yeah.
It's not until they get older where they're like, oh, shit.
This kind of mindset is a lot of fun.
That's the issue.
It usually fucks the people up down the road.
They realize it.
Like, they got weird views.
Like, you see, anybody who lost a virginity at like 12, 11, 10, they're always like, they just have really wild views on sex.
Like, what?
Like, healthy.
Like, even D-Ray was saying, like, he got molested, the comedian.
That poor guy ended up with two wives.
Well, I wish someone molested that into me.
I wish somebody wish someone molested the ability for me to have multiple women do whatever I wanted and then break up with them and have another two.
But right now, the one you have is ideal.
Stop copping, please, for me.
You make it worse, you fucking idiot.
I can barely take care of one.
I can never do two girlfriends.
I'll be trying to help you.
Nah, but if you're the one that comes in, now I look like the asshole like I didn't say it.
Before it's a joke, you come in with the serious shit.
All right, rewives.
Idiots, bro.
This is why Alex is single, bro.
He doesn't.
I mean, I'll be trying to help out.
My bad.
When you help out, it seems serious.
If not, it's just a joke.
You didn't help out about 9-11 at all.
I mean, I was trying, but.
No, you weren't.
He was footballing.
You weren't.
He was coming.
9-11 has been dealt with.
He should help you.
We got to do it later.
So, but you understand the point.
Yeah.
It's like, I get your point.
Like, it's minimal.
Like, I understand if you're like touching little fucking kids and shit, then they come out all weird.
They think they're trans, whatever.
I'm talking about you get touched at like 14 by a teacher.
That's good.
And all you need, and all you need after that is, is what?
Like, all that happens after that is like, what, you're into like a little kinky shit?
You therapy?
Three suits.
Do you know what I mean?
If anything, you like older women, and older women need that.
Who likes them?
Right?
If anything, if older women cared about future older women, they'd be out here touching 14-year-old boys.
So they would create more men that like older women.
Solid point.
This is how you plant the seed.
Solid point.
So it's not you and your cats.
Make a point, bro.
Make a point.
I'm just trying to fucking save the world.
Akash, Akasha, leaving me in this shit.
I tried to knock down a professor.
You did?
Yeah.
Wait, are there, can you be a professor if you're a woman?
Wow, yes.
But what do you call them?
Professor.
That's a teacher.
It's a teacher.
That's a college teacher.
What is a male?
What is a female professor?
A college teacher.
Oh, my goodness.
No, I'm being dead serious.
Isn't professor male?
You're like Mrs. You're like Mrs. What do you call professors?
Professor Johnson and Mrs. Johnson.
Professor?
Her?
What do you call a female professor, Mrs. Mrs. Yo?
Female Professor Titles00:02:04
Mrs. Ma'am.
Yeah.
I understand there's girl doctors, right?
And there's male doctors.
You could use doctor for both.
But professor, I've never heard like professor, whatever.
Mildred or something.
What's a girl professor's name?
So you say Mrs. and then their first name.
You go Mrs. So like Mrs. Shirley.
Mrs. Shirley.
Yeah.
And then, and if it's a male professor.
Professor.
Professor.
Or doctor.
Probably doctor is more respectful.
Doctor.
No, but there are women doctors.
No, well.
There are women professors.
You just don't put that in the title.
You're telling me you can call a female professor professor.
They will not be offended.
No.
Why?
Doesn't that make them sound like dudes?
Or old or something?
You have to acknowledge that she's married or not.
That's what you do.
So Ms. Mrs. Mrs. Mrs. or Ms. Ms. is when you're alone.
Yes.
Mrs. is when you're married.
Yes.
And you need to let them know Ms. or Mrs. So Mrs. is like, okay, you've done your job.
And then Ms. is like, get your shit together.
Like every time you say her name.
So she remembers.
It's like a little reminder to remind her, hey, you're not a woman.
You got to get there.
You still got to get there.
I thought female professors were the adjuncts.
Were the what?
What did he say?
Adjuncts.
What does that mean?
Like, you're there temporarily.
Oh, like the TA or whatever?
I don't know.
That's a different thing, I think.
I think adjunct is almost like a temporary professor, right?
Yeah, it's like professor in training.
Yeah.
TAs and teachers.
But when they're done training, what do they do?
They kind of always training.
They probably take messages for the male professors.
I mean, make sure that they're going to be.
Oh, they work in that thing where you put the slots in to make the phone calls go.
Yeah.
You know, the switchboard.
Yeah, the switchboard.
That's the switchboard.
That's what a female professor is.
100%.
100%.
Oh.
Yeah.
I always wondered that.
How many of them do we have working in the city that we make these phone calls and it goes through every single time?
Switchboard Operator Life00:02:29
It's impressive, yo.
It is impressive.
It's impressive.
Even the women's appreciation day to just appreciate all the messages they do.
Yo, all the phone calls.
Do you know?
I mean, like, think about how many phone calls you've made, and never once has Shirley just dropped that thing by accident and then get it in.
Look at that.
Oh, my God.
They must love that job because they love gossip and shit, so they just listen to everybody's call shit.
Yeah.
Wow, dude.
Do you think they made women do that job or women were just like, I want that?
Oh, no, they want that.
If you're going to make me work, let me have some fun.
Dude, you know how paranoid you would be if your wife worked in that shit?
Oh, shit.
All the phone calls that you would have to make?
Yo.
Oh, my lord.
No, dude.
You'd have to be single as a requirement for that job.
Hey, man, just I'm going to come hang out.
But I love hanging out with my wife so much that I might not be able to make it.
Just really enjoy her company.
She's so funny.
Okay.
Shall we get into some tings this week?
Yeah, let's talk about Margan and Margan first.
Ah, yes, This podcast, ladies and gentlemen, is brought to you by none other than the asshole Army law firm itself, Morgan and Morgan.
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Finding Compensation Now00:14:17
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You deserve some money if people are putting you in dangerous situations and you're getting hurt.
Get those billions of dollars that they're recovering right now.
Morgan and Morgan, okay, forthepeople.com forward slash flagrant for that free no obligation consultation.
Now let's get back to the cho Mello.
This is, we know we've heard about like fake news and we heard about fucking God.
Are you serious?
You heard about fake news and CNN and Fox News and all these media outlets being completely biased and having narratives and storylines that they want to suppress and narratives and storylines that they want to inflate.
You know, you hear about MSNBC completely freezing Andrew Yang out of the presidential debates because the game is rigged.
And right now we are witnessing the rigging of the game.
Somehow, some way, Carmelo Anthony has become the player of the week for the Western Conference, a conference that includes the Houston Rockets, a conference that includes the Lakers, a conference that includes the Dallas Mavericks, okay?
Somehow, with James Harden dropping 60 fucking points.
In 30 minutes.
In 30 minutes, three quarters, 60 points.
Somehow, with Luka Donchick averaging a triple double on everybody's head, somehow with LeBron James and Anthony Davis, absolutely body motherfucker.
Somehow with Paul Pierce, not Paul Pierce.
YG Teresa, what is it?
Paul.
Paul George.
Paul George busting motherfuckers' ass.
Carmelo Anthony and his measly 18 points and fucking 40.
40 rebounds or whatever they get.
22.
22 points.
Whatever he gets ends up being the Western Conference player of the week.
I guess he is the flavor of the week.
This is absolute bullshit.
This is the NBA making up for the fact that they froze him out of the league.
They feel bad.
Maybe it's a story that the Portland press is promoting.
Portland has a lot of influence in the league.
They have a lot of influence in these ESPN.
Remember, Portland, big relationships with Nike, big relationships with Adidas.
This is where their hubs are.
If they want to put a little sauce on, they want to put a little sauce on the league and they want to put a little sauce on ESPN to write a nice article or even put a little sauce on the NBA to write a nice article about this new player that they got.
Hey, that might be the way to go.
It's absolute bullshit.
He does not deserve it.
And I'm doubling down, tripling down on the fact that Mello will be a bust this season.
Andrew, I've, oh my gosh.
There's many things I've called you.
All I got to say?
Over this lifetime that we've known each other.
All I got to say?
I've never called you a hater, but this is going to be your first.
All I got to say?
You're a fucking hater, dog.
You're a fucking hater, bro.
This motherfucker came off basically off the fucking street with no Lillard.
First two games, stunk, right?
Obviously.
He's shot close to what?
70% from the field?
Getting close to eight rebounds a game, 22 points per game as a third option.
These motherfuckers, the Blazers, who a lot of people thought was like a sneaky, good Western conference team might sneak around it.
They added white side.
We was talking about the other week.
The other day, oh, they got white side.
They got Nurkish.
They got Lilly.
They got McCollum.
They should be good.
They weren't.
They were like 10th or 11th in the conference at one point.
This motherfucker came back, three straight wins.
After two straight losses.
Two straight losses?
No, Lillard.
Gotcha.
Two and three.
14 points.
Wait, what is he averaging?
Averaging 17 a game.
17.
That's his career.
But this week he's averaged 22 and 8.
Listen, you can't tell me.
The argument before was he should be overseas.
He should be in China if he really wants to play basketball.
He's washed.
He's this and that.
He's clearly not washed.
He could clearly fucking help a team put it in the right situation.
He's in the right situation right now.
The NBA has moved towards his type of game.
Small ball power forward.
Don't got to guard no small forwards out there.
Don't got to guard the Paul Georges or the Giannis of the world.
Go guard some big men.
You know what I'm saying?
Shoot, stretch the floor out, get rebounds, get the fuck out of here rebounds and rebound.
You got two great guards to play with.
He's still a very good NBA player.
The actual argument against Mello, all jokes aside, we'd obviously clown on him super hard and probably work super harsh and maybe unnecessarily.
I don't think so.
The argument against Mello at the end of the day is he takes more off the table than he puts on it if you want a team that's actually contending.
Now, if you're happy being an eighth, ninth seed, losing in the first round, Mello's your guy, yo.
If he'll take a smaller role and eat his ego and come up off the bench or happily be the third option, cool.
He has a place in the league.
But if I want a team that's truly contending for a championship, Mello ain't on it.
Mellow on the Blazers, cool.
Mellow on the fucking, not even like the magic, great.
And I'm not saying the magic are shitty.
I'm saying like, that's the squad he belongs on.
And that's why he gets kicked off or not even picked up by all the contenders.
He could have got picked up.
The Blazers are a contender.
Stop.
They were a contender.
At the beginning of the year.
They're not a controversial.
They had a slow start.
They went to the second round.
Don't say stop, stop.
They went to the second round last year.
Why if you don't remember waving Paul George Gabriel?
Did that just happen?
Did I just forget that?
Then why wouldn't they pick him up at the beginning of the year?
Why wouldn't they pick him up?
They went through a shit ton of injuries.
They lost all their power forwards.
Oh, so why can't we just say they're getting healthy now?
And that's why they're going to be able to get it.
You're moving the goalposts right now.
No.
You're moving the goal posts.
What we're saying is, what we're saying is they're 8-12.
Yes, they were worse than that before.
Did the Lakers want him?
No.
Did the Clippers want him?
No.
Did Houston want him?
No.
Did any West Coast contender want him?
No.
When Portland was out of the playoff race, they're like, all right, just pick the fucking guy up.
We can use a couple points or something like that.
We're not going to win it this year.
Obviously, we don't have the team.
So yes, he's good to fill up stats a little bit.
But they're winning.
He's the plus 50 or whatever when he's on the court.
They're one game out of the eighth seed.
You think the Suns and the Timberwolves and the Jazz, you believe in those motherfuckers?
I believe in Dame Lillard and Cesar McCollum before I believe in any of those things.
And that's fine.
If you want a team that is contending for an eighth seed, Mello fits.
Mellow's good there.
But you're not a real contender as an eighth seed.
The reason why they're brought real contenders.
How are they?
They're not real contenders.
You think they're not a good one.
They're not real contenders last year.
Absolutely.
I'll give you whatever odds you want, whatever money you want.
They don't win the championship.
Any odds, any money.
That means I'll give you a shot.
I said from the beginning of the year, clearly, I've said the Lakers are winning it all.
That was my fucking pick, right?
Did you put the camera?
But to say that they're not real contenders?
Did you put the camera on me at all when they were just arguing?
Damn it.
I really wanted a Larry David at the end of every episode.
People are bickering, but he's just looking straight at the camera.
Listen, to say the Blazers are a real contender is bullshit.
The reason why they went and got Mello is because they were starting off slow.
They needed a pick-me-up.
He was probably the only viable help that they can get from off the street at a big need at Power Forward.
He's done that.
He doesn't have to be the main guy.
Like you said, if you're relying on 34, five-year-old Carmelo Anthony to lead you to the championship by himself, of course you're not going to win shit.
Of course.
But you got your franchise player.
You got your franchise backcourt.
You got Hassan Whiteside, who for, you know, say what you want about him.
He does what he's supposed to do.
And Mello is just the guy who comes in, grits rebounds, and scores.
He still has a place in this league.
He should have had a place in the league last year.
He was in a shitty position with the Thunder, shitty position with the Rockets.
He's in a good position now.
Apologize to Mellow.
Both of you.
Fine.
Both of you.
Fine, fine, fine.
I'm going to have to get testicle surgery, guys.
What?
I might have to.
I've told you about how I have like some varicosity on the veins of my left testicle, right?
And I think ever since I've been doing kickboxing, I've been doing a lot of these left kicks.
It's a round one kick.
And when I apologize to Mello.
Apologize to Mello.
Let me just get this out.
The round one kicks that I've been doing, they require like a lot of whipping, and I haven't had the right underwear lately.
I've been using a lot of Haines because my girl sleeps in my other underwear, and then she takes it back to her house.
So I've been using these whitey tidies.
What do you normally use?
I usually use a Joe Boxer, a size large, or I've been using some Me Undies that have a lot of just support.
And the Hanes.
You got some long-ass balls, Larry.
Said I got long balls.
But it's like, and the Haines are pushing my dick because there's not enough cock and balls section of it.
So it's pushing my dick and balls between my legs.
And my balls kind of hang between my legs like a dog's more like.
You do got some long-ass balls.
I do got long-ass balls, bro.
But my left one specifically is very long.
And all these kicks I've been doing, I think, are really stretching out the veins that are already kind of hanging down.
And I think that I'm going to have to get a surgery to bring up those veins back into my fupa so that they're not hanging down and putting all that weight in my balls.
I don't see what that has to do with Carmelo Anthony and apologizing to him.
The point is, both of us are going to make a comeback.
Okay.
And the reality is, neither of it will matter.
Okay.
I'm not impressing anybody with these balls.
Okay.
I got my girl.
She deals with the balls.
She laughs at it.
I have a big left fucking ball.
Are you saying your balls are a third option of life right now?
Bro, you know what?
The reality of the matter is, it could affect my sperm count.
Yeah, because your balls, if you guys didn't know, the reason they hang down is not for like fun games you play with your boys.
It's because the temperature of your testicles is so sensitive.
It cannot be too hot or too cold or else the sperm will die.
That's why I say if like you're if you're in your balls for your sperm.
Yeah.
Right?
So they say if you're in a jacuzzi, did you hear this?
Yeah.
What is it?
It's too hot and it can affect your sperm count because it can raise the temperature.
And that's why your ball sack either scrunges up or it loosens depending on the temperature of your body.
So if you're cold, it's going to scrunge up and get closer to your body for more heat.
Than when you're hot.
And that's why rich people never have kids.
Why is that?
It's because they have these luxurious lives.
They're in schools, they're in saunas, they're in jacuzzis.
These poor people taking cold showers, they've got fucking kids coming out of every orifice.
Okay?
Because they have nothing affecting the temperature of their balls, so to say.
It's a sincere situation.
I might have to get a little surgery.
I might have to get a little surgery.
I don't feel like you guys can.
I feel like that's premature on the surgery, I'm going to be honest.
What if it's what?
I don't even want to say it, but what if it's another issue?
What if I had to get one of my balls lopped off?
No.
My homeball.
Home ball soldier out here, dogs.
But if you're going to do that, are you going to also get the fake ball?
Nah.
But the hemorrhoid taken care of since they're going to be down there.
No, my hemorrhage.
100% get a fake ball if you got to get rid of one.
I would probably get a fake ball.
It's all about symmetry.
It is.
I probably would get a fake ball.
Balls are really just aesthetics anyway.
That being said, I think with less sack, my cock would look massive, dude.
Dude, that fucking cock just hanging down past that sack.
The sack is barely even there.
What about a sack tightening procedure?
Like a nutlift.
Yo, so my sat, that is great.
If I got the nutlift, so you wouldn't even notice it was just one ball.
Now, like, oh, white women get the shit tightened up.
I'd get my nuts.
You're scrotum.
Yes.
Now your ball's got a little more support.
And dick just hanging down like an elephant's trunk.
Sack lift.
Sack lift, dick all hanging.
Dangle.
Yeah.
So your dick and ball sack are hanging at the same length this.
Son, my ball sack sometimes, bro.
If it's fucking hot, it's longer.
It's hot, dude.
If it's hot.
It's resting?
The dick's resting on the balls?
Dude, if it's hot, dude, it is.
It is down there, bro.
Do you think?
But get the hemi.
No, the hemi's good.
The hemi's fucking.
The hemi's deflated.
It's still existing.
No, it's not.
It's gone.
It went away.
Really?
It went away.
There's a chances it could come back, but I try not to hang out in the toilet that much.
I try not to push that hard.
I let it come.
Sometimes I would push until I got out of breath.
And I think that's the problem.
Is that there were times where I'd be pooping and I would push until I went out of breath.
I had no more breath.
That's crazy, dude.
But I would get it out.
Eat fiber.
I would what?
Eat some fiber.
Yeah, bro.
You take a probiotic.
Yeah, but I'm off of that.
I think I'm off of fiber.
Hey, man.
How are you off of fiber?
Is that one of those?
Some raisin brands.
No, you're not off of fiber, yo.
Are you sure?
Vegetables?
Fruits?
I eat both of those.
And Tioxi.
Dog, you off of bread, son.
I'm off of birds.
I'm off of bread.
There's more shit with fiber in it than just bread.
Can I tell you?
Bread don't even got that much fiber.
Can I tell you a secret, Akash?
Yeah.
I broke for Thanksgiving.
Oh, of course you broke.
Of course, you should.
Stupid ass.
And the day after.
You should.
I had some pasta.
Get in there, dog.
It's Thanksgiving.
The whole week is Thanksgiving.
It's about gluttony.
It's a fucking holiday.
And no bullshit.
My ball hung way more the next day.
And I think there could be a connection between diet.
You know how you get sleepy after you eat a lot of carbs?
Maybe your nuts just got a little sleepy in you.
Son.
Dude, my balls look like they're lynched.
Dude, it is bad, bro.
A lot of watchmen.
It looks like the watchman, dude.
His balls are hanging in effigy.
Real talk, man.
It is something we have to.
Gluttony Over Thanksgiving00:03:26
I'm going to find a way to show a picture.
His balls look like fucking Brooks and Shawshank.
Oh, my God.
Son, big news.
I got to do some big news.
You should have opened with this.
That was pretty big.
Yeah, man.
I don't know.
I don't know how you can follow possible one nut hanging rather than a bunch of people.
This is long news.
This is big news.
This is it.
That was long.
This is big.
Big news.
Okay.
I'm actually telling you this, guys, early because the official information that we're starting to drop with is going to come out this week.
And you can get all the info on my Instagram or Twitter.
Law, you'll have the website, all that kind of shit.
But a lot of you guys have been asking, yo, where can we get the fashion?
Where can we get the fashion?
Where can we get the merch?
As we refer to as the fashion.
You've seen it in the videos.
You've seen it on the dropping in.
You've seen it on the vlogs.
Where can you get the fashion?
I'm wearing a shirt right now.
I got my anti-social justice warrior hoodie.
We are opening up the online store finally.
Yes, it's happened.
Right in time for Christmas so you and your loved ones can be dripping in that fashion.
All the information's dropping this week.
It's going to be open for three days only while supplies last.
That's it.
Friday, Saturday, Sunday, if we make it to Sunday.
Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
You can look on my Twitter and Instagram for the links on how you can get the fashion.
We'll start dropping information about it Tuesday, then Wednesday, then Thursday.
But you go out, you get it while supplies last is for Christmas.
Make sure your loved ones are always fashionable, okay?
They're always your plus one.
They're always confident.
Shout out to Naomi Smalls.
We got to get her on the podcast soon.
Anyway, that's my plug.
Also, we got shows coming up.
DeAndrewSchultz.com, Seattle, a few tickets left for that second show.
Go get them shits.
Vancouver, all sold out.
Both shows.
Salt Lake City, a few tickets left for that second show.
LA will be out there that week.
Shadow Band show at the comedy store.
That will be really fun with Santino, Tim Dylan, and Tony Hinchcliffe.
And Edmonton as well.
We got a few tickets left for the Edmonton show.
So get on that shit right fucking now.
Okay.
You want to share some shows?
I got shows.
I am going to be in Mumbai on December 20th and 21st.
Big Daisy Energy.
Coin home, India come through.
After that, to start 2020, on January 9th, I am at Hilarities in Cleveland.
January 14th, I am at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick.
Eden going to be there filming.
Andrew stopping in.
I fully expect Alex to be there.
Kaz, come through.
You and Jerry.
I'll be there, God damn.
January 15th, I'm in Helium Comedy Club in Philly.
January 28th, I'm at Tacoma Comedy Club in Tacoma, Washington.
January 29th, I am at the Punchline in Sacramento.
January 30th through February 1st, I am in.
Where the fuck am I in?
I forget.
I'll think of that in a second.
February 6th, I'm at Zaney's in Nashville.
February 8th, I am in Atlanta at the Laughing Skull.
Oh, Rooster T Feathers.
That's where I am.
January 30th through February 1st.
Rooster T Feathers in San Jose.
Come through.
We're doing it.
We're doing it.
I got ideas.
I got ideas I want to cook up for maybe two specials, maybe two specials.
And this year it will be 2020 and 2021.
We'll see.
I think I can.
I think I got a couple good ideas I'm working on with Shulton.
Motherfuckers is booked and busy.
Offensive Line Production00:16:18
You love to see that.
I only got one date to announce.
The only important date for me, December 13th, 2019.
Brooklyn Barclays Center.
Duce Palooza.
Tickets are flying.
I'm going to run down the motherfucking lineup for you guys, just in case you ain't see it.
We got Swiss Beats versus Just Blaze.
Austin Mills.
What's first?
They haven't.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit.
I'm so tired.
I can't be there, yo.
It's going to be a fucking masterpiece.
DJ First Choice.
Where's Nasty?
Master B, Austin Mills.
We got Fibio Forrend performing.
Afro B, Partisan Fontaine, Fabulous, The Locks, Cameron, and Jim Jones in Barclays Center.
Get your tickets on DucePalooza.com slash tickets.
It's going to be fucking amazing.
I have dates too, if that's okay.
Oh, get your dates off, Eddie.
Get your mother dates.
We run out of time, honestly.
I'm the one.
You know, this is a limited time on this podcast.
Yeah, no, get your stupid ass dates out.
If anyone cares, which you should, I will be at the Stumble In the 7th, 14th, 21st.
Spinning, I'm spinning.
That's right.
Eight o'clock.
Come through.
I'll give y'all some shots.
Throw the assholes up.
You know what it is.
It's going to be fun.
And hook us up with shots.
Yes, sir.
That's what's up.
Of course.
I got to pull up some of the sets one day.
Please do.
So it's going to be a lot of fun.
Come through.
Yeah.
But goddamn.
So we're going to get on some more deports?
Yeah, man.
Let's do it.
What football did you want to?
You know what?
I love to talk about how Tom Brady is allergic to black quarterbacks.
Let me tell you something.
That motherfucker looks done, huh?
Bro.
Bro, let's talk about it.
Here's why everybody's hesitating, myself included, because we've always had this thought about the Patriots.
Every fucking year they win the Super Bowl since, I don't know, 2005.
Every year since then, we've been like, oh, they're done.
This is it.
It's over.
And then they come back and win the Super Bowl that year.
So I'm hesitating to say it, but he don't look right.
The Patriots don't look fast or explosive on offense.
They don't look good, man.
They don't look complete.
They look terrible.
And the defense looks like it struggles with athleticism, i.e., black quarterbacks.
Yeah, bro.
If they got a quarterback that could move a little bit, even like Josh Allen gave him some problems.
And, you know, he's not black, but he plays like one.
I mean, not that bright.
Exactly.
Not that bright, just dodging head first.
He completes a percentage, not that high.
But he wins.
But he fucking wins.
Motherfucker run.
But now, you know what the thing is?
You know how I'm just like you.
I'm like, you know what?
Every year we say this about Brady and yada yada yada.
But the one thing that's different from this year and all the other years is that Tom Brady would always take these fucking no-name guys, these guys who play like lacrosse or wasn't fucking drafted to Edelman, Chris Hogan, Wes Walker, all these fucking, all these white guys that could run and turn them into household fucking names.
That ain't happening this year, bro.
These guys don't look explosive.
They don't look sharp.
They don't look like this motherfucker.
Everybody knew what Antonio Brown was accused of.
Everybody.
And this motherfucker was like, yo, you can stay in my house.
This is how Doug is.
Let me tell you something.
Tom Brady, this is why he's the GOAT.
Because he wants to win that badly with six Super Bowls that he said, yo, accuse rapists.
Come stay with my wife and kids.
Stay in my wife accused me.
So we can win a seventh Super Bowl.
Jesus.
I already got more than anybody else.
But I want a seventh.
Come, be with my wife, be with my children.
Unsupervised at times, I'm sure.
As long as we win, I don't give a fuck.
God damn.
That's the GOAT.
And you know what's fucked up?
MJ ain't doing that.
You know what's wild?
Jordan Jackson would have motherfuckers at his house.
Jackson's.
Yeah, that's, you know, that's a Tuesday.
I don't know.
But honestly, I think they, as the days go by, I'm thinking they're going to give him a call.
But they can't give him a call.
They're getting wins, though.
Like, they're still getting wins.
Yeah, but now they got to go on the road.
You know what?
They just lost homefield advantage.
I don't know that the Ravens will win out.
Kaz was completely fucking right about Lamar.
I still don't think they win the Super Bowl just based on the fact that it seems like every year there's a team that gets dumb hot around this time and then something happens in the playoffs.
So I'm not saying they won't win it.
I wouldn't pick them just because of that reason.
It's just like, that's not a great reason.
But I just don't fully believe in them yet.
But Lamar Jackson is MVP.
I was with team Russell Wilson forever, but it's got to go to Lamar now.
Last night against the Niners was impressive.
Best defensive.
Now the Patriots had to play in Baltimore.
That would be a thing.
But that's the thing, though.
Those teams that usually got hot, the Ravens are that team.
Like before, they were just winning off of like fucking Lamar craziness or whatever.
Not like the defense got together.
Like Marcus Peters is like locked in.
Earl Thomas is locked in.
Like they're like hard-hitting motherfuckers again.
And like they're playing better.
It's a complete team.
They're a complete fucking team.
I don't see them with any weaknesses.
I still think the Saints take the NFC.
I still think that's my Super Bowl.
I would love to see the Saints do it.
I'm not fully sold.
The way they're skating by game after game, I would love to see them winning because the Cowboys clearly aren't.
I would love to see New Orleans do it.
I love the city.
Drew Brees is great.
I just don't believe in them.
The way they're just barely beating everybody, I'm just not into it.
But this will be the year they'll do it, though.
Like, not the year that they're just mowing through everybody.
Because they're quietly 10-2.
Like, nobody's talking about them.
Like, the New Orleans Saints.
Just quietly 10-2 in the NFC.
The NFC East is trash.
Fucking, you know, Aaron Rodgers is always going to have something to say at the end of the day.
Seahawks are going to be there, too.
But I think the Saints are just more complete.
I don't believe in the Niners.
I don't believe in Grapple in the playoffs.
I don't even know if they win the division.
I still pick Seattle.
I still like Seattle, too.
Like, there's just something about Russell Wilson, bro.
Yeah, he's different.
When it's playoff time, that motherfucker has moments.
Yeah, when it's winning.
He has moments in the playoffs.
And I think he's going to be a big amount too early.
What is Big Truss?
This is what Mark Ingram always calls himself.
That's good.
But what is Big Trust?
I don't know.
What is that?
Sounds good.
Scary?
Just sounds good, bro.
Is Big Trust a gang?
I always thought he was a big guy.
Why is there a gang?
Is this because there's black people yelling it?
Anytime a black person yells with his hands like this, I think it's fair to assume it's a gang.
Well, Justin Tucker said it last night.
Yeah, but he was mocking Mark Ingram.
That was the joke.
He was like, Big trust.
If a black guy does something with his fingers, right, and he goes big truss or something like that, I'm not saying he definitely is in a gang, but it's fair to assume.
It's fair to assume that he's been around some gangsters.
Yeah.
If you see a guy with a beard go a la akbar in public, right?
He could just be praising God.
Oh, yeah.
God damn, Eden.
This motherfucker is asleep.
And then when it come time to see me.
I said, what does it mean?
What does it mean?
What does big trust mean?
I think it's too essence.
We've been talking about what big trust means for four minutes, and you thought we just wanted to see the clip that we quoted verbatim?
Who slash one?
It's slang for I agree because Lamar says that for almost everything.
Pompano slang.
Oh, so that's his nickname.
Oh, big boy nickname for Lamar Jackson is big trust because he says that for almost everything.
I can see that.
I can see that being his nickname.
Big Truss.
What is Pompano?
Pompano Beach.
Yeah, Florida.
It's Florida slang.
Big Trust.
Big Trust.
Okay, I can see that.
I can see that.
Big Trust.
This is what you do, man.
Just assuming it's gang activity.
See, if you see a German raise his right hand in the air and say some German shit, you could probably assume it's some Nazi stuff, right?
He could be hailing a fucking cab really seriously.
But that's the thing, right?
Like, if you saw a German just mint out!
Doxin, please!
Zitaxin!
Mince to stop here!
It's like, I just like Lamar Jackson!
Why does everyone run when I do this?
Just saying there are certain assumptions that make perfect fucking sense.
Okay.
But we were talking about while you were out, we were talking about Tom Brady done.
Is it a rap?
Nobody made an ovens joke.
Nobody.
Nobody.
Nobody did it.
Nobody did it.
Nobody went for it.
It was wide open.
Nobody took advantage.
Big Truss.
Yeah, he looked wild.
That man looks sad, yo.
He looked wild.
So what's the deal with old crouching right there?
But what is the deal with Tom Brady?
What is it?
He's not 43.
Is it his age?
Or is it that they don't have receivers?
But he's never had receivers.
He was playing amazing in the beginning of the year.
What has changed?
He actually wasn't playing.
I was here and he don't look quite the same.
The defense is great.
He don't look quite the same.
And now all of a sudden it's just like, poof.
So the defense got tired.
I always hear, I hear this in basketball and football with quarterbacks and then with star players in basketball.
When they fall off, it's very sudden, but very sharp.
Very noticeable.
Like even Kobe, I guess he got injured, but when he came back, it was like, oh, you ain't the same.
Right.
Darby wasn't the same.
Kim Duncan wasn't the same.
I mean, if you let him shoot every shot in his last game, that's what being a quarterback is.
Yeah, basically.
I don't know, man.
Look, I haven't been watching, so I can't say.
But watching this.
I'll tell you this.
I want to know this, right?
Here's the thing.
Is it his age that is causing him to play shitty?
Or is it the receiving core, which he had two of the most talented receivers in NFL history, arguably, with Josh Gordon and Antonio Brown, and all of a sudden they aren't there?
And now they can't get anything going on offense.
I find that to be at bare minimum correlational.
That's possible.
That's a good point.
The way I see it, I honestly think in the beginning of the year, Bill Belichick, one of the smartest football guys in the world, knows that the league is moving towards these mobile type quarterbacks, these Lamar Jackson, these Sean Watson, these Russell Wilsons, Kyler Murrays, all these type of shit.
He's like, yo, I got this all-fucking world defense.
I got this fucking 95 Pinto still running my offense.
It's like, dog, Bill Belichick ain't going nowhere, bro.
I think he knows like, yo, we got to get younger quarterback.
Oh.
I got these plays that I want to run with these motherfuckers.
I know I can't run it with your old ass, but I can't just cut you because you're Tom Brady.
You got six fucking rings.
But he's a heartless motherfucker.
He's cut people for less.
So I'm thinking like he, I think Brady knows that Belichick's like, yo, like I'm running the strongest.
He's not going on the office.
And that's fine.
And maybe Brady knows that as well.
Maybe Brady wants to do one year somewhere else.
I think the biggest story quarterback-wise in the NFL right now is maybe Ben Roffelsberger was just okay because the Steelers are playing very well with a fourth string quarterback, no running back, missing one of the offensive linemen, I think, right?
Pounce he's out.
Yeah, Pouncey's out because of the kick into the head, shit like that.
Maybe Ben Roethlisberger isn't as great as we all thought he was.
Maybe they had an impeccable offensive line that could give whatever quarterback was back there the ability and time needed to make NFL throws.
Nah, the thing with Ben, though, is he would hang in there forever.
Like, there would be plays where he should have been sacked five different times, but he's so fucking big and he would hang in there forever and then make the throw.
And the throw wouldn't be like the most accurate throw you've ever seen.
But in the circumstances, considering how much the walls are caving in on him, it was so fucking impressive what he would do.
And he would do it all the time.
Fair enough.
A lot of people, when he first started winning, and maybe early on, it was more the defense, but then it was kind of like Russell Wilson.
As it went on, you were like, oh, no, this motherfucker isn't.
He's the guy.
I always thought he was amazing.
I liked him in college when he was at Ohio, Miami of Ohio.
And I remember thinking, and I'm not even a big college guy, but I remember seeing him throw going, holy shit, this guy's got a fucking arm.
And fair enough, he can get the ball down the field for these dynamic wide receivers like Antonio Brown and Juju.
Juju's been out too.
Juju was out.
They got this kid, James Washington, who's nice, but...
James Connor out too?
Connor's out.
Yes.
Michael Tomlinson.
He's got a lot of credit.
He's got to get coach of the year type shit.
Give Tomlin credit.
I thought they were done.
That being said, it's just an interesting situation to see somebody who we thought the whole team was built around, the entire team was built around Ben Roffelsberger.
And then all of a sudden, excuse me.
And then all of a sudden you put these new guys in and their success, especially the running backs.
That's what makes me think it's the offensive line is, okay, James Conner goes in and then all of a sudden has incredible numbers following who we thought was the best running back in the NFL.
Le'Veon Bell is on the bumass Jets.
Is he doing anything?
He hasn't.
I mean, he's been all right.
Because maybe he's not that good.
Offensive line makes all the difference.
Maybe the slept on situation in the NFL and in Pittsburgh has always been the offensive line.
Maybe they've had the most dominant offensive line that we haven't given credit for.
Oh, the Pouncey Twins are legit.
They're like Halloween.
Son and villain.
Maybe DeCastro is good.
Throwing away was probably good.
Their future Hall of Famers, the Pouncey guys.
They have held down the offensive line for going on a decade right now.
I mean, we knew the Cowboys' offensive line, right?
Like we knew these guys were fucking legit, but I never heard them give any credit whatsoever to the Pittsburgh Steelers or nobody give credit to the Pittsburgh offensive line.
And maybe it was because Ben was so dominant and he was so big that people are like, ah, whatever.
He's just going to throw the ball up.
Did you ever hear anybody talking about the Steelers' offensive line?
No, not really, no.
And you know what?
Even now, from what I understand or what I'm hearing, it's more their defense carrying them.
But you're right.
Like, they give up L'Avion Bell.
James Connor steps in and does just fine.
They give up AB.
Give up the shooter sir.
They're still producing.
Now, this Mason Rudolph, I think, sucks.
And this guy is apparently pretty salty.
But still, if you don't give a good, if you don't give a young quarterback time, I don't care who he is.
He's fucked.
There's like maybe one or two that can, like Lamar Jackson because he's so aggressive.
He can create time.
Deshaun Watson, who's got some Rothsburgs?
Deshaun Watson.
But even then, he was.
He's breaking tackles and shit.
Yeah, there's a ceiling on what he could do.
As great as he was his first years with no line, there was a ceiling on what he could do.
Baker Mayfield sucks because his offensive line sucks.
So to your point, there's got to be some kind of offensive line production for this guy to be doing anything.
If he's completing deep passes downfield, he's getting time to do it.
It kind of makes you wonder, not wonder, but it kind of makes you realize why so many old quarterbacks aren't trying to give up their starting spot.
You look at fucking like Kyle Allen or Cam Newton and Brady and Rothensberger and all these like veteran guys knowing that like, yo, like, my job isn't that hard when I have this fucking offensive line in front of me.
You know what I'm saying?
So like a lot of times these guys, you look at what's happening with Cam Newton now.
If I can get a cheaper fucking upgrade for you, you know what I'm saying, that's younger, that hasn't got as many fucking dings to the head.
Yeah.
I'm going to take it.
You know, especially you look at Rothensberg, like, are they really waiting for that motherfucker to come back next year?
Like, I don't think so.
I think they like Duck Rodgers a lot.
I think it's a wrap for him.
I think it's a wrap for Brady.
Maybe the one that's going to be what they're doing right now are winning.
Maybe the best thing they could have done is fallen, is just fallen in the standings, get a great draft pick.
Well, they traded their first for Aminka Fitzpatrick.
That's why I was like, early on, I was like, this might be a fucking disastrous trade.
And Miami might come out looking like kings.
Yeah.
But then all of a sudden they're 7-2 after going 0-3.
So now they're 7-5, and they're in the playoffs right now.
If it ends today.
What a shame.
What a shame for Cleveland, huh?
I really thought.
And they could still take two.
They were going to.
I think I remembered saying this on the podcast.
Usually when they have these teams early on, they just sign everybody, trade for everybody, and you're like, yo, those are the guys.
It never works out in football.
I don't know why.
There's too many moving pieces.
I don't know.
Chemistry is too important.
I don't know what it is.
But I remember that not working out.
Same thing with that Eagles team from, I think, 07.
Yeah, with Vince Young as the backup quarterback.
He said, we're the dream team.
Yeah, and they got fucking waxed every week.
Same thing that's happened with the Browns, bro.
What else we got?
I got though.
What else do we want to touch on?
We could talk Kyrie's a little bitch fit.
Toxic People Fighting Feelings00:12:03
Terrell Pryor got stabbed.
Nick Foles and Philly only good with each other?
Yeah.
Luca and Leonard DiCaprio frozen two.
Let's talk about your article.
Oh, yeah, So, yeah.
Akash.
Yeah, I had a right.
Everybody, ladies and gentlemen, Akash, a write-up was made about Akash's stand-up.
You do what you want with you.
My first negative write-up.
Welcome.
Do what you want with you, Poppins.
Akash.
Welcome.
So, what was the context of this?
Why did this happen?
So, shouts to Bash, asshole, sent it to me.
And I can send you the link right now.
I can text you the link.
He said something about how I was on or something because an Indian girl with a white name hates me.
And it's medium.com.
So it's not some bullshit website.
No, Medium, literally, anyone could write on that.
Yeah, it's not like.
Medium is like a blog post.
Yeah, it's like Twitter, but like for long-form writers.
Okay, fair enough.
Okay, sorry.
Well, that makes it less fun.
But the title, Here Goes Another Comedian Who Thinks Sexism is Funny.
By Rebecca.
Ansar?
Ansar.
Ansar?
I don't know.
Okay.
Subtitle, YouTube.
Why did you even suggest this for me?
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
This is actually really good.
If you look at the top of her medium page, these are the topics that you could click on to see other things that she's written.
First one is feminism.
Second one is relationships.
What would a feminist know about that?
Sexuality is the third one.
Women self-poetry.
Wow.
Okay, continue.
Then the article is about my joke, which is why Indian women are the craziest.
And the idea of the joke is like in Hinduism, you cremate the body and then you spread the ashes in a river.
And I said, that's how crazy Indian women are.
Like white people get buried in these beautiful plots of land.
And we were like, look, when I die, you just set me on fire and then get me as far away from this bitch as possible.
Yeah.
So anyway, this is a great example of how lazy comedy that relies on toxic terms of sexism gets a pass because I called a woman a bitch.
I don't honestly know how the word bitch isn't hilarious.
I don't like when fat people call other people lazy.
Like, if you go back to the picture that she chose, go to the picture she chose.
Like, that picture right there.
Oh, my God.
September 20th.
That was a while ago.
Bam, she got the Ursula outfit on.
No, mermaid son.
Yeah.
She got the Ursula outfit on.
And, you know, she's actually a pretty girl.
But not a lot of flow in that outfit.
A lot of flow.
Let's see.
I'm not going to.
She's pretty.
She's a pretty girl.
She's a good looking girl.
She's a good-looking girl.
But that being said, you're not going to call someone lazy when you got the extra LBs, right?
Like, we're not going to do that.
That's just stupid.
Go on.
This is a great example of a lazy kind of thing.
In this clip, Singh describes Indian women as so crazy that, blah, blah, blah.
He repeatedly uses the term bitch to describe the imaginary wife who's so terrible that she leads her husband to take these extreme burial measures.
Just out of curiosity.
I don't know how many times you.
Yeah, but just out of curiosity, like when you write this article, what do you think Akash is going to be calling you?
Right?
Like, when you're writing this article, do you think that he's going to be like, wow, this lady gave an interesting response to one of my bits?
This powerful female.
This powerful woman gave a great reaction to one of my bits.
No.
This intersectional feminist.
Anyway, what's this bitch saying?
Go ahead.
When critical thinkers speak up against things like the derivative waste of time that Akash Singh calls his comedy routine, we are labels everything from the PC police to haters of free speech.
No, I just call y'all fat bitches.
If only we lived in a world where Akash Singh could walk a few miles in the shoes of the South Asian women serving as a material for his jokes.
Do you know why these fat chicks don't care about free speech?
It's because they're busy chewing.
I would say whatever I want to say, but I choke on this donut.
Got 578 collapse.
Hey, man, honestly, I wasn't even mad at it.
You shouldn't be.
And I thought the title, here's another comedian who apparently thinks sexism is funny is true.
Yeah.
I think sexism is hysterical.
But she's upset that YouTube suggests that she's a bad person.
Yeah, maybe YouTube knows you a crazy bitch.
Maybe YouTube knows you better than you know yourself.
Oh, man.
Oh, my God.
And you watch the whole thing.
So that's the other thing.
That's the other thing I don't realize.
I don't agree with these haters.
Like, you watched the whole bit, you got to the end of the bit, okay?
And you felt a certain way about the bit.
So you might not admit you liked it, but you liked it enough to watch the whole thing.
How long is it?
A few minutes?
Yeah, a few minutes.
Okay.
It takes me two seconds to realize I don't like something.
I click out.
I stop watching.
Done.
Okay.
There are motherfuckers that did that already to this podcast.
They not even listening right now.
Yeah.
Because they clicked out.
You watched the whole fucking bit and then you made an opinion on it.
You liked it.
Whether you agree or not, you liked it.
You made a choice to keep watching.
You don't finish a meal that's disgusting to you.
Right?
That's true.
One bite and I'm done.
You don't finish a run if you're too exhausted to keep going.
You went through the whole fucking bit.
You liked the bit.
Okay?
Yeah, I bet.
I just never understand people who you left nothing on the plate.
Who's that?
Who's.
I don't even want to drag her or hate on her or whatever.
I just found it funny because I finally got a bad review.
I feel like I'm making it now.
Yeah, bro.
Out there, bro.
Do what you want when you pop up.
You're going to get a poetry and review some of her art.
Let's do that.
Let's see what's going on.
Go back up.
Okay.
To become her, a poem.
Alex, you want to read this?
No.
I feel like your deep baritone voice, you sing better than all of us.
Hold on, hold on.
Ready?
Let's do it.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Go ahead, Alex.
No, you got it.
Alex, come on, motherfucker.
I'll read it.
I don't know yet.
I don't yet know how to be her.
Who it is that I see gazing back in the mirror.
I gasped.
I gasp for air somewhere in the middle of an obdurate current.
I wince from pain as the old is unraveled.
See, right here, I don't want to finish because I don't like it.
I checked out.
I know.
I know.
I'm done.
I can't finish.
See that?
Hitx.
But look.
See how hard that was.
But look, look, we're not going to review your shit because we didn't get through it.
That's the review.
If you review, you had to get through it.
No, that shit was still trash.
But I'm saying, like, I'm not going to spend extra time.
Like, you know, maybe we're going to be.
These people who spend extra time on something that they didn't like are fighting with the feeling they have inside that they did like it.
And they don't like that they liked it.
Because think about it.
You have to sustain that awful feeling.
If the comedy was so bad and made you feel so awful and you thought it was so wrong, you would just remove yourself from it.
If you're cold outside, you put on a jacket.
You don't sit in the cold and write a blog about how fucking freezing it is.
You like that chilly feeling.
You like it.
On some level, you like it.
But you hate the fact that you know that you have these like, you know, this certain type of morality that you've decided to have, you chosen to have, and it's not congruent with this comedy that you also enjoy.
When a motherfucker writes a scathing review, I know they like it.
You argue with yourself.
You argue with yourself.
You ain't arguing with me.
That's like when you defend yourself in an argument, it's because you kind of know you're wrong a little bit.
It's just so much, bro.
Son, there's a great fucking...
Oh, God, I got to get it.
And this bitch wrote a blog because Akash was speaking to her.
She's speaking to her.
Probably has an ex-boyfriend who's like broke up with her because she's crazy.
It's like, oh, I hate these fucking.
Let me tell you something.
You ain't writing poems if you ain't gotten dumped.
Oh, absolutely.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, anybody writing poems from happiness and good experiences.
Bro, there's a line.
I'm going to get the line.
Except F.A.
But F.A.
These birds in the sky.
Water drips.
Drip, drip.
Drip, drip.
Hold on.
No, I gotta get it.
Man, we should do a number though.
Oh, yeah.
You do a number though.
I know that fucking medium ain't doing no fucking numbers.
God damn.
What was the hottest shit?
Boyfriends with arguments?
The Heckler video.
Oh, yeah, that's awesome.
I'm going to repost that.
I'm going to redo that.
Yeah, we're not going to fix that.
Then the boyfriend's joint.
Oh, the clip she hates, 315,000 views.
That's what's up.
I hope she got me another 518.
She made her.
She definitely did.
I'm going to find this fucking...
You guys keep talking.
I'm going to find this shit.
What are we looking for?
Andrew.
I'm looking for this.
Andrew got a write-up on me.
No, no, no.
I'm looking for a quote that describes this.
So, you know what I was watching?
I was watching fucking an AE special on Bring the Pain by Chris Rock yesterday, right?
And it had like all these fucking cultural commentators talking about like how much it meant to comedy back then.
I think like Stralony was on it.
Ava DuVernier, fucking Hannibal Burris, Wanda Sykes, all this other shit.
Ava would have hated Bring the Pain if it came out today.
Dang, that's what made it so fucking juicy.
I'm watching it, right?
And she's like, oh, you know, the good thing about some comedies that you watch it and like there's an audible gasp and they go, because it's like, you laugh, but you cringe because you know it's not something supposed to laugh at.
And I'm like, Ava, if Bring the Pain came out today.
You would have hated.
Dog, he talks about shaking women instead of hitting them.
We talk about...
I mean, he said, I don't think OJ should have killed her.
But I understand.
Like, come on, son.
You can't even say that now.
You can't even say that now.
And they're doing a 20-year retrospective on this shit with all these, like, people versus N-orders.
You know how these are toxic?
Yeah, toxic people would call that.
It was such a fucking great.
If you got fucking Verizon or A ⁇ E on demand, go look it up.
Because Chris Rock, he has a bit.
This is Andrew Dice Clay, and he's like, oh, I'm writing my HBO special, whatever.
Andrew Dice Clay told him to watch Rocky, right?
Told him to watch Rocky.
He's like, yo, you don't look excited.
It's like, yo, go watch Rocky.
You go ahead and watch Rocky.
You'll remember why he got it to us.
And he goes and he watches Rocky and, you know, getting it from the dirt, yada, yada, yada.
And then boom, obviously, Bring the Pain fucking classic culture-defining stand-up comedy.
Changed comedy.
Ever, ever, right?
But it's great to see, like, this is why I don't understand like people who like write hit pieces about comedy because history's never kind to you.
Like, even if you're 1,000% right, even if what you say or feel like is valid, history's never kind to you because in retrospect, we only remember the good that comedy brings.
We always bring, oh, wow, this person was so brave touching on these subjects, saying that, saying this, yada, yada, yada.
Nobody's ever written a hit piece on some comedian and it was like, wow, we are so glad we got this comedian out of here.
In 50 years, a lot more people, I guess 20 years, a lot more people talk about abuseman systems.
Of course.
In 10 years, motherfuckers are going to talk about Flavor 2 when they were just like, yo, man, when shit was fucking rough out here, they was over here going in.
You know what I'm saying?
That was a movement.
That was a moment in time that happened that a lot of people aren't touching on.
Like, history will not be kind to you.
So I don't understand why you, like, I'm not a comedian.
I don't begrudge this girl.
I even think about editing her name because I don't want her to think I care about her that much.
Intersectional Football Fans00:15:52
No.
But, man, fuck that fat bit.
Wow.
Wow.
All right.
Hey, man.
Good looking.
I appreciate that.
I personally, I don't hate her.
I just know what this is.
This is a girl who went to college and thought she figured out the world.
And as you grow up in the real world and you realize, and you get out of your college bubble, you're going to be like, oh, none of this shit matters.
Son, I got it.
What is it?
Meet me at the corner of the park.
I wish that was all you had.
Yo, that would have been so good.
You were just like signing contracts.
Okay, ready?
I'm going to say it in Latin because that shit goes way back.
That's how motherfuckers knew back in the day.
Okay.
Excusacio non petita accusacio manifesta.
And that means he who excuses himself accuses himself.
In other words, don't explain.
You don't got to explain for yourself.
You just fucking do.
Because if you're explaining, what did Brady say?
You're losing.
You're explaining, you're losing.
If you're explaining, you're opening the door for them.
If you're explaining, you're like, oh, come on in.
Come on in because here's the fuck shit.
If you act with zero bad intention, they got to put intention on you.
And you got to be like, nah, I didn't mean that at all.
I don't got to apologize for shit.
We out here having fun.
We out here doing jokes.
Anyway, I think that applies to you.
Definitely implies.
And that fucking hungry, hungry hippopotamus.
Dude, do you think when she's writing, do you think like she's just like typing away and these men ain't shit?
These men are.
These men ain't shit.
I swear to God, why are you calling these women?
What's their face slamming into?
Is it a plate of fucking pork?
Oh, God.
Is that your fucking KFC bucket?
Oh, boy.
It's funny because she's fat and wrong.
What the fuck is intersectional feminism?
Intersectional feminism acknowledges that women, that it's not just gender, that there are other things that play into our experiences.
For example, race, age, religion, all these other things that could also imply, not even imply, add to or take away from their experience.
So a white feminist might be dealing with different things than a black feminist, et cetera.
So it's saying, hey, look, I'm a feminist, but I'm going to pretend to care about your shit too.
No, it's saying, I'm a feminist, but I've had to struggle even more.
But here's the problem with intersectional theory is that it only applies to the negative shit that you've went through in your life.
For example, they don't evenly apply it.
Like, I'm a brown woman and also a feminist and also this religion and that's why, blah, blah, blah.
But they'll never go, but I've had two parents who are educated and have, you know, given me the best possible life.
And a two-parent household is the best possible thing for success.
Right.
It's only here are the things that have held me back.
Right.
Not here the things that have pushed me forward.
Right.
Right.
Like, you have enough free time to blog because you're in an amazing situation.
Yes.
Right.
That intersectional brown feminist that's working three jobs doesn't have a blog.
Right.
Because she grew up in poverty, had children young, and she has to have three jobs to keep those children alive and fed.
Yeah, if you can write a blog about an issue, you're probably in pretty good shape.
Yes.
A sexual feminist is, I'm not white, and I'm a feminist.
That's literally what it is.
Everybody needs, it's just women pulling each other apart.
Like, they can't just agree on even being a woman, being women.
Like, isn't that the baseline shit that you should just come together on and spec, all right, let's just agree on this.
Yeah.
You know, like.
This is why black feminism and white feminism don't get along at all.
Son, how can they not just look at sports and be like, oh, shit, every Sunday they just agree on one thing?
Throughout the rest of the week, they don't agree.
But every Sunday, they come together like, all right, we're all going to wear this color.
We're all going to support this team.
We don't give a fuck what's going on on the team.
We don't give a fuck.
Nobody shows up to the game like, well, the amount of hours I had to work this week to be a Browns fan is a lot more than you.
Therefore, I deserve it.
It's just like, do we want the Browns to win?
Yes.
I live so much further from the stadium.
I had to work so much harder to get these tickets.
We should do the intersectional football fan.
Intersectional tailgate.
That's what we should do.
And just have that same bullshit.
I'm not sure what to do.
I'm already malnourished because of the horrible food decisions that we have in these impoverished neighborhoods who are forced to live in.
Dog pond is actually a bit triggering to people who work in animal shelters.
So I really think the fans should, you guys, this section should just consider.
Get the brat, bitch.
The goddamn brat worse.
Oh, we have to do it.
We have to ask intersectional feminists their feelings on sports and how we can be intersectional about our sports.
How do we more intersectional about rooting for our sports teams?
The Giants.
I mean, how do dwarves and how do other small people feel about that?
You know what I mean?
How do these people that are afflicted by a lack of height feel supporting a team that is so prejudiced to those who do not have what these players do?
I don't know.
That's disrespectful.
Cowboys is triggering to the Native American population.
No.
I mean, yeah, and what they wanted to be the Native American population.
Yes, this is true.
That is incredibly triggering.
Too far west.
Yeah.
And now they just, you know, attack you.
The Jets.
People can't afford playing tickets.
Do you know how much carbon this year?
Yeah.
But seriously, the carbon footprint of a Jumbo Jet, do you know what that does to the environment?
I mean, you think you want to be pro-green.
Their jerseys are green, but you're destroying all the greenery with these jets that are flying all over, just ruining the environment, ruining the Amazon.
It's disgusting.
The Packers.
Think about the gay people.
How do they feel?
They're heterosexual men.
Yeah.
Like, I got to go root for a team that's packing.
Packing.
I don't like that.
Real talk.
You got all these uncircumcised dicks with that cheese all in the front of it.
You're just packing cheese every single day.
This is disgusting.
That's what the cheese head is?
That's what the cheese head is.
The cheese head on your uncircumcised smegma-filled dick.
The 49ers, 49.
How many cocks do you have to suck in a night, gay guys?
We understand you're in San Francisco, but you guys take down 49 every fucking Saturday.
That's good.
Okay?
Jeez.
Oh, boy.
San Diego, the Chargers.
We get the Mexicans are charging the border, but that doesn't mean you have to name the team after them.
It's racism.
It is racist.
Blatant racism.
Miami, Dolphins.
The Dolphins.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Dolphins rape.
Did you know that?
Dolphins rape.
Dolphins are rapists.
They are rapers.
Dolphins, not only rape, that's what the Cubans are sneaking over in.
I'm fucking Dolphins.
Dolphins are one of the only animal species that use sex as a weapon of force.
But they get pleasure, too.
And they get pleasure.
Something like that.
They fuck for fuck.
Yeah, dolphins are rapers.
Dolphins are fucking rapers.
Dolphins rape.
I mean, this is more.
Give us more teams.
The New England Patriots.
I just think it ignores the oppression of American politics.
American politics.
Like, how can we be patriotic when we live in such a patriarchal society?
Society.
What about disgusting?
Sistergarkle.
Yeah, what about the matriarch?
The matriarch, yeah, matrix.
And satriarchical two.
Sister Act III, whoever you want to call it.
Where's Hoopie, you know?
I mean, come on.
Give us more teams.
The Seattle Seahawks.
A Seattle Seahawk.
What about the bees?
What do Seahawks feed on?
What do they feed on?
Fish?
And the oceans are already so depleted.
They're decimated.
Decimated by those fucking Japanese eating up all the goddamn sushi every single night.
Okay?
You think that we bombed them?
They've been bombing the oceans for fucking years.
Okay?
I mean, it's disgusting.
What other ones?
Pittsburgh Steelers, man, doesn't leave a good carbon footprint on the environment.
Dude, they should go green.
They should be the Pittsburgh Greeners.
They should be the recyclists.
The Pittsburgh Recyclists.
That steel industry just destroyed.
Destroys lives.
Destroyed lives.
Destroyed communities.
Okay?
I mean, where's Aaron Brockovich when you need her?
You know, what else?
Who else do we have?
Let's go through a ball.
We're running out of teams.
North Carolina Panthers.
Oh, Carolina Panthers.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
You care about Black Panthers.
You got a white running back.
That's some fucking bullshit, if you ask me.
You lit Diddy by the team.
No, you didn't.
Did not.
Doesn't like that shit.
What else?
Who else we got?
The Buffalo.
The New Orleans Saints.
That's religious.
Oh, my God.
What if people don't believe in Catholicism?
What if they don't believe in Hitchini?
I don't think I can identify as a Saints fan.
So what are you supposed to do?
You supposed to just choose another team?
The Vikings.
You didn't get chosen to be raised in New Orleans.
Look at what the white man thinks a Viking looked like.
So disrespectful.
Disrespectful.
They should have red hair.
Come on.
The Oakland Raiders.
What are they raiding?
That's triggering.
That's triggering.
I mean, the fact that white people have raided Oakland and completely gentrified it.
And now you're going to have the football team there as a sign, a beacon, a image that we cannot look past.
I mean, you might as well put up all those Southern generals, you know, and all this.
And now you're leaving, just like White Flight.
Just like white people.
Oh, my God.
I mean, this is just...
The Los Angeles Rams.
Hasn't there been enough Me Too in Los Angeles?
And now you got just guys ramming their jocks inside these girls for all these roles.
And you're going to put a fucking image of that, image of that for these poor girls to see?
The Denver Broncos, I still think OJ did it.
To keep watching football, have to be reminded of a white Bravo every fucking game.
It's disgusting.
It's true.
The Atlanta Falcons, okay?
You have a black gay community, and if you look at the image of the Falcon, the wrist is just broken.
It's hanging there broken.
Like he's asking you if you want another Piscotti on a Delta flight.
What is happening out here?
It's an insult.
It is an insult.
God damn it.
The Arizona Cardinals.
I got nothing.
Got me there, buddy.
I got nothing.
Whatever.
You know what I mean?
Fuck them.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers?
I mean...
The Buccaneers.
All the horrible things pirates have done throughout history?
I just cannot.
Rachel.
I just cannot.
I just can't.
All the Buccaneers did was rape and fucking pillars.
Chicago Bears.
Will you look at that fucking...
Will you look at that logo?
Doesn't that seem like...
Look, go back to the Chicago Bears, please.
Stop fucking this up.
Can you go back?
Stop fucking this up.
Holy shit.
Just fucking stop.
Chicago Bears.
We all know that a bear is a big homosexual.
We know that, right?
And that is what your colon looks like after one of them has been inside you.
Ruptured.
Do you see that?
It is a circle that has been ruptured by some big-ass gay guy named Phil, okay?
And he filled your fucking asshole full of that dick and ruptured it.
I mean, goodness gracious.
Cleveland Browns?
That's offensive to me.
I'm offended.
My culture is not a costume, okay?
I thought that's his.
Y'all can't even decide which culture is no more, bro.
You see?
Point is, we need a little bit more intersectionality in sports because clearly it makes sports fun and it makes it an activity that we all want to tune into.
Intersectionality is fun, I think, is the lesson.
I think it is.
I think it is.
If you want to inject fun, you know, that's why they make the best entertainment critics because what's more entertaining than intersectionality?
Oh, my God.
You got it.
What's more fun?
I don't know.
Than pointing out the problems with every single thing on earth.
I do not know.
Isn't it funny?
These guys always tend to be the guys who are like, I just want to be positive.
I just want to always preach positivity.
And then you find flaws with every fucking thing you come across.
Yeah.
Why can't they be HIV positive?
Wouldn't that make things so much easier?
We're going to make it easier.
They'll only be doing those medium articles for another 10 years.
Nah, you can live with that shit.
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah, nah, you just get an older.
Whether it's like this, my age just pop up.
Okay, what else?
What else we got?
Because we got to get out of here soon.
Anything else we need?
The Brazilian president.
Terra Pryor getting stabbed by a hot chick.
Joe Pryor got stabbed by a cutie.
But didn't he also have an assault case with her?
Yeah, so apparently, like, he was putting hands on her a lot, and she was just like, fuck it.
I knew it.
I knew it.
When she was smirking like that in that video.
No, she was like, yeah, dude.
That was a mugshot of, I had enough.
That was a Medea mugshot.
That's the end of Medea.
When she told me J-Lo movie, son.
Once I saw that smirk, I'm like, he had it coming.
Yeah, like, look at that.
That's she cute.
Does that look like she's fine?
Yeah.
Bruh.
That's the thing I don't understand about.
Look, Alex got to pretend he interested.
Like, you like brown women.
No, but think about this.
Like, the thing I don't understand about hitting women, right, is that you're ruining your investment.
Right?
Like, it's the same thing with slaves, too.
It's like you see all these slave movies where they're like beating the shit out of the slaves.
They're like scarring the slaves.
They're doing all these things to the slave.
And it's like, why would you treat...
It's poor management.
It's horrible management.
Why would you do that to the thing that you need to do?
You should have let everybody sleep in the big house.
Son, you want productivity.
They can't be productive.
They can't bend over, right?
And they can't pick shit up.
You think there was like a Google Slave Master that was just like, let's treating slaves super well.
And then the output was crazy.
I honestly, it seems like a more effective way to do it, right?
Like, think about it.
Think about it.
I really don't like to think about it.
Y'all were over there.
You didn't have to.
You guys sold them all.
I was first generation.
No, but do you understand what I'm saying?
It just doesn't make sense.
So this girl that you're going to spend all this time with, this girl you're going to want to love and live with, et cetera, that you want to find physically attractive, you're actively making her less physically attractive.
It makes no sense.
Let me tell you something right now.
Please.
What's today?
December 2nd?
Yes.
By December 2nd, 2020, she's going to have a VH1 show.
Guarantee.
She's going to have a VH1 show.
I'm looking at all the pictures.
I'm looking at how she is.
She got the smirking mugshot.
She's fine, Andrea.
Run Teton.
You wow, Andrea.
Fine.
I guarantee she will be on VH1 with Shaq's wife and all the other bitches' wives on that show.
I can't kill her IG.
Yo, she's cute.
Bro, she's cute.
She's like, yeah, I did it.
Dating NFL Players00:07:59
And I think if you click the story, I think one of her friends said, oh, we should have just left them to die.
Well, they called the cops?
Yeah, they called the.
Let me see if I can read this.
According to court doctor Kim, a female witness to Tobolis Prior was the aggressor and had been waiting for Brinson after she went clubbing with friends.
Cops say one of the witnesses was overheard saying Bristol was just defending herself and added, We shouldn't have just let him die.
Let me ask you.
God damn.
Women, why are you still dating NFL players?
It is a great question, dude.
It's like, why do you go skydiving?
Like, it might be fun, but the chances of you making it skydiving are way better than you not getting hit by an NFL player.
At what point, like, where are we at with NFL players abusing?
What percentage of them?
It seems pretty high.
Are we at 30?
I want to say it's not 30, but it's a high enough percent that you should think about the shit.
Here's the thing: I still think it's relatively low just because there's more people on the NFL roster, so it may seem like a lot.
I would guess 10%.
I would guess 10%.
10% is what we know of.
That's what we know.
10% are what we know of.
What do you think it really is?
NFL players are a lot more likely to be able to do that.
I think we've, I feel like we know about like 5%.
Because, like you said, there's 22 players on a team, 30 teams.
That's 650 players on a team, 660 players on a team, whatever it is.
All right, that's a lot.
And we hear about 10 of these cases a year.
I'm assuming there's 10% because I'm also accounting for the stuff we don't know of.
But if you went skydiving and had a 10% chance of dying, would you go?
Dude, it is mind-boggling.
And also, there's another thing that's very important.
Like, even if when you talk to NFL players, and we've all spoken to NFL players, most NFL players, and they'll tell me this, are fucking retarded.
You're dealing with the dumbest athletes.
Yeah.
Like, some of them can't even fucking read.
Yeah.
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Okay?
So you have the dumbest of the dumb, and they're going to hit you.
You're a fine girl.
You can get a guy that's got some money.
You're even better with it off with a drug dealer.
Honestly, it's almost like taking a charge on the NBA team.
What do you mean?
Being in a relationship with an NFL player.
You might get hurt, but you know, long run.
Take one for the team.
It helps the team out eventually.
You get paid.
Nah, man.
If you date an NFL player and some shit goes down, it's like, I don't know.
There was a lot of signs on the way.
Like, you should have known.
On a smaller, less whatever, devastating scale, like when a woman dates an athlete or a rock star and they cheat on her, and I'm supposed to feel bad for her.
I'm like, what the fuck did you think was going to happen?
Yeah.
How often does this work out?
It's like joining ISIS.
It's like joining ISIS.
Like something bad is going to fucking happen.
There's no way this ends well.
No way.
If you expect this to be, he's faithful or monogamous or whatever the fuck you think this is going to be.
The nicest, most clean-cut NFL player is on record saying, if you're explaining, you're losing.
These are the alpha males of the world.
But think about that.
Yeah.
That's the nicest NFL player that you could ever have, and he won't even argue.
And he says that to his wife, who's richer than him.
So he ain't even disgusting it.
So now you have some dumbass defensive lineman who's got an IQ of 40.
Do you think he's going to sit down and talk it out?
And brain damage?
He's going to hear you say, did you say hike?
Tackle time.
Tackle time.
You're dealing with literal retards, ladies.
You can do better.
Oh, she will.
Her mugshot's going to get around.
Her mugshot's going to get around.
She will.
She'll be just.
Ladies need to go after baseball players.
Son, baseball players.
That's the move.
Yo, they're not real.
They're not getting pussy.
They fucking blend real athlete money.
So they get real athlete money.
They aren't athletic enough to whoop your ass good.
You know what I mean?
They're going to whoop your ass like someone with a regular job.
Like a mechanic ass.
Like a mechanic asshole.
You're not getting a NFL ass woman.
Mechanic assumption with some millions of dollars cash to it.
You might take that.
Do you know what I mean?
You get blindsided by a TN, bro?
It is a wrap for you.
Yeah, these are killers.
Baseball players like blending with society a lot better, too.
Bro, like, motherfucker, like Bryce Harper could walk in right now.
I don't know, maybe.
You never know who the fuck he is.
He's not going to have the same ego that the NFL players are.
I wear hats.
So, you know, people always look different with hats off and on.
Son, golf player.
Get a baseball player, bro.
Baseball player.
A golfer.
Get yourself a golfer, dude.
Golf is the fucking way.
Golf is road with this guy.
He got mad free time.
Yo, my man got time, yo.
You're in great weather all the time.
You're not fucking practicing on snow.
Ain't no snow golf tournaments.
Oh, my God.
You come with them on the road.
Like, if you're with a comic, like you and me, like, my girl, I can't take her in every city.
She don't want to go to fucking Cleveland.
Yes.
While I'm at Hilarities.
Yes.
You date fucking.
No matter how successful of a comic you date, there's some cities where she's just going to be like, nah, we're not going.
Golf is constant resorts.
Resorts.
Fucking beautiful weather.
Palm trees everywhere.
Keep being on the bachelor.
Oh, my.
It is.
Every night is a taste of the shit.
And you got chose.
You got chose.
The rose is for you.
How could they not be smarter?
How could they not pick better?
It's mind-boggling to me.
Go to the country club.
Sneak in the country.
Not only will they not beat you up, you could fuck them up.
You could fuck them up.
Tiger was his nanny.
He ran away from his nanny, bro.
He ran away.
He was afraid of his nanny.
Mafa took three years to get his swing back after that shit.
Real talk.
It took a minute.
Yo, this is a no-brainer, ladies.
Any assholes that are listening, ladies.
Go out for baseball.
Go out for golf, okay?
Go out for a bit.
Exactly.
And I know you think we're saying Caucasian sports.
No, don't go after our hockey players.
They are white football players.
They're going to beat your fucking ass.
Don't beat it.
Do it.
Rugby out.
Out.
Simple as that.
I'm trying to think of sports where they won't beat you.
MMA, out.
MMA out.
What are sports where they won't beat you?
Golf, tennis.
Tennis.
Tennis players.
Oh, my God.
Generally, low-key get bad bitches.
They get bad bitches.
Everybody knows them.
They respect them.
Warm weather sport.
Warm weather sports.
Do it.
Don't go to shit that they're going to beat your ass.
Darts, they will beat your fucking ass.
Darts is just practice for beating your ass.
They're just like, huh.
Yeah, but that ain't a devastating hit.
That's like...
Son, if they're darts is good, though.
Curling.
You get a little fucking judge mallet at the end.
Here, ye, year ye.
Stop going out so late.
Curling.
You don't have a color because you're sweeping.
You're like, see, this bitch ain't that hard, motherfucker.
Sweeping this shit now.
Get a snow.
Why can't you do this shit sometimes?
God damn it.
You think a woman gets abused by a curler when she's cleaning up?
This shit is all wrong, man.
Stupid bitch.
Your farm sucks.
I get fucking everything.
Go with a soccer player.
You bump them, they just hit the ground.
Grab a trunk.
Exactly, bro.
So you can see that.
Soccer players are soft.
Yo, soccer players, ladies, we just mapped it out for you.
If you fuck up from now on, you fucked up from now on, okay?
You got to stop dating the retard athletes.
And there's a few of them.
Just don't do it.
It's too risky.
Okay?
Football, rugby, hockey, MMA, boxing.
Curling.
Curling is just tough because they're better at the woman shit that you're supposed to be good at.
Okay?
What else?
That's it.
That's it.
MMA and boxing.
Yeah, we said it.
It's pretty much it.
You just stay away from those sports.
You're good.
If you don't stay away from those sports, you have to understand you will get your ass beat.