Andrew Schulz, Akash Singh, Alex Media, and Eden Gonzalez dissect modern business colonization, Jay-Z's NFL ownership pragmatism, and the legal profession's archaic contract warfare. They debate Dak Prescott's $30M contract value, compare Lakers versus Clippers rosters, and satirize Donald Trump's potential Greenland acquisition through a controversial "white slave" auction scenario involving Popeyes sandwiches. Ultimately, the episode blends comedy with sharp critiques of corporate power, racial dynamics, and the absurdity of legal negotiations. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
|
Time
Text
Almost Married Proposal00:14:33
What's up, everybody?
Welcome to Flagrant 2 No Easy Buckets Analysis by Assholes Water Cooler Commentary for Your Sports Needs.
I'm Andrew Schultz.
I'm here with the newly engaged young almost married young elephants at the wedding.
Young twist your wrists when you dance and jump up and down.
Young Akash Singh in the building.
Shout out to Wifey or almost wifey.
We got Alex Media and Eden Gonzalez, whatever your fucking name is.
I'm never going to remember your name, bro.
I convinced myself that you were Costa Rican, and then a guy in the DC show came up and he was like, yo, you got to stop playing with our Nicaraguans because you're actually Nicaraguan, right?
So he had your back.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Shout out to him.
For sure, man.
Wet backs got each other's backs, man.
Got each other's wet back.
Exactly, bro.
We coming in hot.
We're coming in, Caliente.
Obviously, prayers going out to Kaz.
Everybody's got Kaz back.
Man, we've been constant contacts and all the people that have coming up to us after the shows, telling us to give our prayers to Kaz.
We've been doing that, and Kaz's been feeling him.
So we told Kaz, whenever he's ready to come back, he's going to come back.
But until then, we're going to keep his thoughts and heart in ours.
And the flagrancy continues.
I felt like I let Kaz down and my brothers down.
Why?
I still haven't had this Popeye sandwich.
Oh, that's just hot.
Oh, shit.
I still haven't had this.
Popeyes and chicken sandwich that Kaz was eating the first time Kaz left the house was to eat the new Popeyes chicken sandwich.
Chicken sandwich?
Yeah, man.
That's when he got hugged on the street.
Wait, isn't it the blackest shit ever?
It's a specific.
Everybody's saying it's the most amazing chicken.
It's just a chicken sandwich.
Come on.
You hear the lady in the commercial.
I don't.
I haven't heard the lady in the commercial.
Hey, honey.
You just get her to really Southern black it up.
Yeah, you know it's good.
Wow.
Okay.
I have no interest in this sandwich.
I think you sold me.
I'm going to be honest.
I got a really great one now.
Are you sold?
Kaz sold me.
He left the house for it.
Yeah.
Son, he left his girl for that shit.
We need to hop off this conversation immediately because I don't want any flagrancy to happen around Kaz's situations.
And you know, it's hard for us to help ourselves.
But, okay, so we'll check out this Popeye's chicken sandwich.
But fuck all that.
I think it's time to talk about newly engaged Akasha.
You're making grown man moves in your life.
This is a big grown man move.
Yo, God on one knee.
Is this your first time not getting on two knees?
I shouldn't have taken that.
You really should have taken it.
I did, Dave.
It's my bad.
Akasha has this thing where if he sees it coming, he's like, get it out first.
I know, I don't understand.
You're right, bro.
Y'all let him go.
Just like last week.
You're right.
Tell us what's going on.
Okay, so I think there's a, I think I want to hear about what happened.
Obviously, Alex and I were in D.C., so we didn't get to experience the proposal.
No, it FaceTimed right after, though, which is very sweet of you all.
We did.
We did.
We called you.
We made sure that we checked in and everything.
So you proposed, you want to walk us through it?
I know we have a video.
What does the video show?
Maybe you set up the video a little bit.
The video is just, so Eden filmed it.
So after the podcast Monday, Eden was super helpful.
I wanted to propose the Empire State Building because that's where we went when we first made it official.
I took her there that night.
By the way, New Yorkers, y'all don't ever fuck with Empire State Building.
Take a shorty there at night, like midnight.
It's open until two.
There's no line.
It's dumb romantic.
Ed and act like we weren't feeling each other up there.
Literally, we were.
If you look at the screen.
Look at us.
That's me and Eden taking a dry run to the Empire State Building.
Now, that's the actual background?
No, that's like a green screen because you're in front of it before you go up there and try to get you to buy the picture or whatever.
Ah.
So Eden and I went after the podcast Monday night.
We went to the comedy club, checked out the brownish space.
We filmed that show, but like we checked it out early.
Then we went to Empire State, figured out everything.
So before the show, you went for the proposal.
After the show, I went for the proposal, but Monday before everything, we went to the comedy club just to see how we're going to set up cameras, which you helped us with.
Gotcha.
And then right after that, we went to the Empire State Building for how are we going to do all this?
Because there's like a choreography to this proposal.
Yeah.
A lot of people involved.
Yeah.
A lot of moving parts.
Take us to the night of.
Take us to the night of.
So night of, we have the Brownish show, sold out.
Shouts to everybody who came through.
Mad Assholes were there.
Appreciate you.
And then right afterward, I told my girl to meet me at the Empire State Building.
Okay.
So she knows it's coming.
Her friends are sending me screenshots.
She sent her a screenshot.
A friend of Texas said, Today's the day in all caps.
And then three wedding ring emojis.
Okay.
So I'm like, yo, I got to throw her off somehow.
Yeah.
So I'm not going to propose at the top.
Right, right.
I'm going to almost propose mad times and then not propose.
That's a funny sentence.
We're at the top of the Empire State.
I'll be like, I got to throw her off somehow.
So I was thinking, lift her up by the feet, just dump her over.
Hey, babe, check out the Chrysler Building.
So she comes, meets me at 10:30.
We go up to the top.
You can tell she knows she's getting proposed to.
She's got on white, white dress.
Beautiful, brand new white dress.
Yeah.
White nails that you have.
White nails just got done that day.
Dropped loot on them.
She texted me.
I'm so happy about my nails.
You know, they get their nails done for the picture.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know.
Shoes.
Really expensive shoes.
Mad, uncomfortable.
She don't give a fuck.
She's getting proposed to.
100%.
So we go to the top and it's real romantic and real quiet.
And we're looking out there.
And then I make this real mushy speech about how far we've come and everything we've overcome.
And that's a perfect place to propose right there.
And then I just don't say anything.
I'm like, I'm just really proud of us.
And then I just stop talking.
And you can tell she's a little bit like, huh?
So she, it's just quiet for like a good, not even lying, like minute and a half, two minutes.
Yeah.
And then she goes, you're being awfully quiet.
And I was like, yeah, it's just so peaceful up here.
You know, I just feel like I want to take a nap.
So she's like, okay, that's a little weird.
So we hang out another five minutes staring at that side.
Then we go to another side and we're looking out the window.
And then I'm like, oh, shit, I forgot.
And I reach into my vest pocket of my jacket and I pull out the live mic that I filmed the comedy show with, the Brownish show.
And I'm like, yo, it's a black box.
It looks exactly like a wedding ring.
I'm like, yo, took the live mic from the show.
Eden's going to be so pissed.
This poor guy.
I don't know what he's going to do.
And then my girl is like, bro, okay, again.
For those of you guys who are listening right now, the live mic box actually opens like a mouth in the way that the wedding ring opens.
Like, this, oh, and it's black.
This is great.
Okay, this is really great.
That was a good one.
You putting her through it.
And I'm trying to, and I've been trying to figure out ways to fuck with her.
Everybody was like, tie her shoes.
She have this video?
No, I couldn't because there's nobody that could film it without her recognizing.
I would whack off to this.
Almost proposals, dude, where the girls just get pump-faked over and over.
We got to do that.
Let's make that a thing.
Almost proposing your girlfriend a few times.
Film it.
Fake proposal is so fucking good.
You do that to a black girl.
You get killed.
That's her sister.
You know, she proposes it to them.
Bro.
She might get pregnant.
Bro, there's a guy.
Remember the guy in the further DC show?
Remember who was like, you know, we, you know, we taking it.
We're taking it slow.
He was with this girl for like four years or something like that.
We just taking it slow.
We figuring things out.
And then later in the show, I'm like, anybody have any kids here?
They're like, yeah, us.
And I was like, what?
You guys can commit to a kid, but not to each other, bro.
It's so funny.
Anyway, go on.
I thought I would be super nervous trying to fake it, but I was weirdly calm the whole time.
I was like, whatever.
gonna happen we're good and i thought i would i thought she'd be so tight that it'll make me uncomfortable Or I'd be laughing at it so hard I couldn't hide it.
But I was good with it.
I acted like I had no idea something else was supposed to happen.
And so that, so then we go to the other side and I'm like, oh, I do have something for you in this pocket.
And then I pull out a pack of chewing gum and I'm like, yo, it's Orbit.
It's your favorite flavor.
You want a piece?
And she's like, no, I don't.
She's getting upset or something.
You can tell.
You can tell she's trying to be patient, but you can tell it's getting to her.
Dude, I am loving this, bro.
I am loving this.
This is even better.
I try to pull out a piece and then organically, I drop it on the ground.
And I've been trying to think of a way to drop to one knee without giving it away.
And I thought tying my shoelace was too obvious.
I thought about like dropping money and being like, hey, $5.
And that's too obvious and hard to pull off.
So I'm like, ah, fuck, I dropped that piece of gum.
And she's like, well, go get it.
So I get down on one knee, pick up the gum.
And as I'm getting down, $5 falls out of my jacket pocket.
So I stay down there for a second and then I hop up and I go, hey, $5 to the other side.
And now she's getting irritated.
And I'm like, I'm like, hey, I want a picture at this moment.
So I ask a random passerby, excuse me, Miss, can you take a picture?
And now she's sure it's going to happen because no dude ever asked to take a picture.
Like, I've never done that.
Excuse me, Miss.
Can you take a picture?
So she's like, okay, it's definitely happening here.
And then the lady takes a picture and I look at it.
I'm like, thank you so much.
You want to go to the other side?
Boo.
Yeah.
And then she's like, there's four.
So maybe this is the last side.
There's four.
Every view is different.
It's all dope.
But maybe that was the last side.
And then she was like, maybe we should just go.
So I'm like, all right, cool.
And then you walk inside.
There's a little waiting type area.
And there's somebody playing like jazz music out there, like live, like a live musician.
So I'm like, hey, baby, let's dance.
And she's like, no, I don't really want to.
I'm like, no, please, just give me 15 seconds.
So I danced with her for like 10, 15 seconds.
I'm like, all right, let's go.
And so now she's like, she's complaining about how her feet hurt.
These shoes aren't comfortable.
It's late.
She's tired.
We get downstairs and then I run to the bathroom, turn on my mic, and I'd also set up with Eden.
I said, Eden, send me a text about the show.
And then I will hit a thumbs up.
And that means we're coming down in 10 minutes.
So I'll buy us 10 minutes after that.
You get all my, I texted all her family and friends and all my family and friends.
Like, here's where we're going to be.
Okay.
And Eden will help you out.
So we, on the way down, I'm like, I run into the bathroom to buy a couple more minutes.
I text her family and I said something like, hey, I'm in the bathroom.
She's definitely not happy.
And then I think her sister said, like, you lucky she didn't throw you off.
Or maybe she's that in person.
I don't know.
But then we go outside and then she sees everybody.
And then I made a proposal speech that was way too long in retrospect.
But then I had her brother-in-law toss me the ring, caught it like a G. Like instead of handing it to me, I said, yo, toss it.
I got it.
I tossed it.
Got down on one knee, creased the Jordans that were already creased on the wire buddies reacting so harshly to that.
And then I proposed.
Okay, can we see the video?
So Eden shot a little one-minute video of it.
This is just us walking out.
Yeah, let me get the just you walking out.
I mean, this is good quality.
Would you use a Cannon?
No, my name is.
Oh, and because Eden had such a nice camera, people thought like they were taking paparazzi film of celebrities.
So mad people gather around on both sides.
And then she starts crying at some point.
Oh, look at that.
This is me catching the ring.
Caught the ring.
Oh, my God.
He goes down on one knee.
Yeah.
She's got a big face.
This is very good.
There's no video.
There's no audio.
It's all like copyright music.
Oh, you put music on.
Oh, dude.
And then I, because I forgot, the one mistake I made is I forgot to hook up the lapel.
So the audio is bad.
It doesn't matter.
Oh, my God, bro.
Bam.
Yo, Army provides, dog.
Patreon asshole got me the hookup.
That's what's up, man.
I would give his name out, but I don't think, I think too many of y'all would harass him for a ring hookup.
I ain't buying no rings, bro.
So when I got down on one knee and she saw the ring, I was like, I don't think this bitch knows how big it is.
So I put it on her finger.
You see me take it out the box and put it on her finger.
Like, she needs to know what time it is.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, boy.
So wait, do you ask her?
Where's the...
Yeah, I say, this is where I ask her, will you marry me?
Let me see.
Hold on.
I want to see you say it with your mouth.
Hold on.
I think I said, will you be Mrs. Sing?
And then she doesn't.
She just starts crying.
So I get up.
I'm like, wait, that's a yes, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I had to check out that out.
Well, yeah, he didn't want to let her forget.
Aw.
Who got the ring?
That looks beautiful, man.
Y'all hadn't killed it, man.
What happens after something like that?
Oh, that's.
Oh, then a limo driver pulled up and was like, hey, I'll get you and all your family and friends in a limo for like seven bucks ahead.
And there was like 11, 12 people left.
They didn't have to go.
So I was like, bet, let's just, instead of taking three Ubers, let's just all take a limo.
And then we went to Max and Brenner and had like food and we just celebrated with everybody.
It was dope.
I wish y'all could have been there, but I appreciated the FaceTime.
Yeah, man.
Okay, so that's what happens.
So you go to have food at Max Brenner.
Yeah.
And then what happens later that night?
Do you guys bone?
Is there an expectation for sex or are you guys so like tired?
I'm super tired.
Her mom is coming back with us in the car.
Her mom is staying with us.
She went back to India yesterday and she's been staying with us.
So it's like, I'm not going to sit here and have me to you in the car next to us.
And then we got home at like 3 a.m. and it was just a wrap.
Wait, wait, wait.
I don't know.
We just went to bed.
Oh, okay.
And we're both there.
I was like, with her mom there, dog?
Like, what?
What is going on?
We're done.
We're done for the night.
So you guys pass out.
Okay.
Now, have things changed since then?
We don't have to talk.
I'm happy, dog.
I thought, and I'm ready to be corny.
That's fine.
I thought this whole thing was for her.
And it is.
But I was like, man, I'm happy.
I'm so happy.
This is my fiancé.
It's fun to say.
I felt ready for this.
Everybody's asking if I was nervous.
I was like, nah, I actually feel ready.
Really?
This is my Joe Rogan where everybody thought I'd be nervous.
And I was like, nah, I'm ready.
Let's go.
And then what is her reaction to it?
Like, is she acting differently?
She loves it, dude.
She loves it.
She's fun.
Yeah, I can tell she's going to be a bridezilla already.
Really?
I can tell.
Why?
I could just see a little, like, she just, we got to look at venues next week.
Oh, wait.
You guys are getting married soon.
No, we got like a year.
But you got to book it well in advance.
And then with the wedding, is it like in white culture, it's the woman's father's responsibility?
It's like that, but it's also like it shifted.
You know what I mean?
Like now it's not as much the woman's responsibility in white culture.
Same with Indians.
So it's like a lot of them will share.
We're going to try to share.
My parents ain't got money, though.
So if anybody else got hookups out there, holler at your boy.
Yeah, yeah.
Because we got motherfucking wildlife coming through.
This is Safari.
Burning Man Reaction00:08:21
Wait, you really?
You're going to have wildlife there?
I don't know if I'm going to, but Indians do.
Horses or elephants.
You know, Rajiv and Neither had elephants.
Right.
So, like.
Right.
Got to get that.
Oh, shit.
I thought that was a joke when you said that.
No, bro.
No.
Have you ever been to like an Indian wedding?
No, I can't say I have.
Really?
It's just that doesn't happen.
I've broken up a couple.
I've actually never been to one either.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, but I know about them.
Yeah.
And I haven't decided if I'm going to yours, to be honest with you.
I haven't decided.
The only thing I know is the episode of The Office.
That's it.
Yeah.
What happened in the episode of The Office?
There was an Indian wedding.
I thought it was Diwali night or something.
Oh, Diwali.
Same thing.
Diwali.
Anyway.
So, yeah, when do you think it's going to be?
What date is it?
Like a year from now.
But like a, which weekend are we talking about?
She wants Labor Day weekend.
No, I'm at Burning Man.
Is Labor Day every year?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Every year.
And I'm only taking this year off potentially.
I might go for a few days, but I might have to take this year off because, why?
If you go, I would go.
I thought you're not going this year.
If you go, I'm not going if you don't go.
You decided to not go first, and then you said to me that I needed to.
Anyways, okay, fair enough.
That's what it is.
All right.
So there's a chance, a wild chance I'll maybe do like four days.
Very, but it's slim because we obviously have some projects that we're working on diligently to get out by the fall.
That being said, if you have the wedding on Labor Day, right?
We got to move the wedding.
You got to move the wedding.
We got to move the wedding.
I'm in the good graces of the fiance, the fiancé.
That's what I'm saying.
I'll push.
I'll push for it.
Yeah, and who wants to take Labor Day from people?
Bro, it's a three-day weekend.
Don't take it from people.
Here's the thing.
That's when the festival ends, right?
Yeah.
I think we left before Labor Day.
Yeah, but no, but yeah, Batya.
Batia.
We could come in hot with a without Burning Man up.
You want to go right from Burning Man to the wedding, dude?
Molly?
Just watch.
Why?
Why should I stop grabbing it?
Son, sometimes I like to, if I got tight pants on, can you get it?
I like to create a pussy out of my balls.
Y'all see that right there, bro?
That's my ball.
Yo, son.
Can I tell you a completely separate thing?
Right.
And then we're going to get back to whether or not we're all going to the wedding.
Because if I'm not going, Eden's not allowed to go, neither is Alex.
I don't think we're going.
Oh, shit.
Alex not going.
No, I don't think you got permission.
No, you're going.
You're good.
You're a groomsman.
Yo.
Oh, okay.
Yo, shut the fuck up, bro.
Come on.
You thought you were not in the family, bro?
Son.
I don't know about you as a groomsman, but you a groomsman.
You invite me.
I'm in the bridal party now.
What is it called?
The bride party.
I'm in the bridal party, yeah.
Yeah, I'm in the bridal party now.
I was out the wedding.
Think about this.
I was out the wedding.
And I worked my way.
I grinded my way.
And we both grinded for this one.
Did we?
That's what's up, man.
You know what I'm saying?
These chicks can't keep us down.
I'm saying.
This is a city boy summer.
You know what I mean?
We out here, bruh.
We out here.
Pump the brakes.
My bad, my bad.
My bad.
I'm not trying to disrespect.
No disrespect, but don't do that Labor Day shit.
We don't want Labor Day.
Pick another weekend early August.
Nobody wants to do nothing early August.
It's just mad hot and it's outside.
A lot of shit is outside for Indians got a lot of shit outside.
It's Columbia.
Y'all should try to be authentic.
Make it authentic.
For real, bro.
Stop trying to be so American about this.
Indoor venue, no AC.
Authentic.
Indoor venue.
No TC.
No toilets in that bitch.
That's it.
Put some saffron on the table.
Let's get this shit popping.
I mean that.
Put some rice down with like four orange rice.
You know, I want to do.
I'm going to do a wedding in India.
That's what I want to do.
And bring y'all out.
I'm out, fam.
I ain't in India, bro.
Good morning.
I just got over Asia.
Yeah, you read about that.
Yo, but India might be different.
People are as obnoxious, but we got culture.
Yeah, you got some whiteness.
English came in there, set shit straight.
You know what I mean?
They're just like, this is how you act.
All right, guys.
They did it in China, too.
Hong Kong.
Opium.
They did it in Hong Kong.
The rest of China, they're shitting on the ground, bro.
The rest of China is.
I mean, I haven't been to China, so I can't say.
We've seen Chinese people in Singapore.
Shitting on the ground.
The only dirty people in Singapore are the Chinese ones.
You know what?
You heard it here first.
The only dirty place in Singapore, Chinatown.
Andrew and I stayed in.
That shit was unbelievable.
Son, tell them about China to son.
Singapore is pristine, right?
Singapore looks like an Apple store.
It is modern, beautiful, clean, nothing.
We went to Chinatown.
It's still fish in buckets.
It's Canal.
Like, how Can you not act like the Chinese refuse to not be Chinese?
You know how everybody else goes to a country and they figure it out a little bit, right?
Like, like you go to like the Indians, they come to America and they learn how to speak English.
And like one generation got an accent, the next generation ain't got no accent.
Chinese go where the fuck they are and they're like, fish bucket, fish bucket.
You want fish bucket?
Hey, bro, I was just wondering if I could get some orange.
Fish bucket.
Fish a bokeh.
You gotta keep the vision like an aquarium.
Bokey feet.
We have a bokey fee.
Why is he Mexican?
I was gonna say that too.
Hey, what's that?
Tell me about the head Chinese bus boy, real quick.
Do the head buzzboy in a Chinese restaurant.
I had being bubbo, don't hold up.
It did great.
Oh, no.
It is great.
Oh, no.
It is great.
Oh, no, FOB, but being Bubbo.
No, that's more like Philippine.
We don't know the difference.
One day, one day.
One day I will meet a bubble.
Now I just seem like I got a speech impediment.
Mark Wahlberg, that's a Filipino head bus boy.
But one with that B Phil B, but that's a lot of layers.
It's too many.
It was too many.
It's too many.
Anyway, shout out to the Chinese.
Y'all really doing it, man.
Yo, yo, it's about to get popping.
Have you seen the Hong Kong videos?
No, what's going on?
It's like they're like protesting.
What we were talking about when they were singing a national anthem and shit like that.
Oh, yeah.
But like, you could do that protesting shit in America.
No, they don't give a fuck, bro.
They already done ran over people with tanks.
I'm sick.
So is that?
That didn't change nothing.
So basically, mainland China is watching it like, come on, yo.
Like, this ain't Portland.
I mean, like, we don't do a milkshake.
You know what I'm saying?
We don't have a muke.
What?
You know, they throw the milkshakes on each other in Portland?
Oh, okay.
But they don't have milk in their culture.
That's true.
You know, we just got the shake.
So, like, I said, they just couldn't run motherfuckers over.
Like, it's about to go down in Hong Kong, dude.
They die singing that national accent.
Realtor.
Oh, hey, can you see tanker?
Hey, you're gonna put the ah in the middle of the mainland China, I would dress them tanks up like Godzilla, bro.
That's what we could do.
Just to kill two birds with one stone with them.
Hong Kong Meltdown00:16:18
Oh, y'all want to play around?
I can't do Asian accent.
You want to pray?
Do you want to pray?
I can't do Asian anymore.
Someone do an Asian accent.
I can't do it on Sunday.
You used to have a joke with it.
Hi, Rara.
No, you have a joke with the Chinese?
I do, I do, but we can't give it up.
We can't give it up.
No, I'm doing something now.
Oh, fuck.
We can't give it up, though.
Can't give it up.
They got to pay money for that.
You know, they got to pay money for that.
We got flagrant throws of the week.
Yo, Al, you good, bro?
Yeah, I'm good.
Yo, what happened to your fucking tongue just right there, dog?
Huh?
I had a long weekend.
You had a long weekend?
Yo.
Yo, Al.
You want to talk about that?
Yo, I got a shout out to DC, man.
We did eight shows.
We sold out eight shows, DC improv.
It was crazy because when these things happen, I try to stay in the moment of it because, like, when you're coming up in stand-up, you I at least remember like seeing when Bill Burr started to pop and like, yeah, when he would go to Carolines and add shows, yeah, or even like Kevin Hart, it was like, we're adding shows, yeah, I remember that, so right.
And it's like, oh man, that's going to be crazy.
And this is like it's crazy to be in that.
You're adding the shows.
You're the one adding shows.
It's fucking nuts.
So it was just cool to be there.
And like, I got to shout out DC, man.
It was crazy.
We had a good, we had a good time.
We went around.
We had a good time.
Alex had a good time, I think.
How was the DC crowd?
Yeah.
Oh, dude.
What?
So there was one.
You could talk about the girl you threw out.
Yeah, we could talk about that, I guess.
You ever saw him like sort of kind of have a meltdown?
Nah.
Like when somebody pisses him off to the point where it's not a meltdown.
It's not a meltdown, but it's just.
I don't realize it in the moment.
I just react in the moment.
I'll say this: if you drop checks on Andrew.
Oh, I don't like checks.
He is, he doesn't.
It's a very different Andrew.
I don't like that.
I don't like waitresses raising.
So dropping checks, for those of you who don't have many comedy clubs, when you have to pay your bill, they drop all the bills at the same time.
Usually you're still on stage.
And then every, it doesn't seem like a big deal, but everybody gets distracted because they're trying to figure out how much you pay, how much do I pay.
Fine, you got to do that.
But then you miss part of the joke.
And if you miss a part of the joke, you miss the whole fucking thing.
The most asinine part of comedy is the fact that they do checks during a show.
It makes absolutely no sense.
It's the only thing that you pay during the show.
Can you imagine anything else that you pay during?
And there's nothing else where you need to hear every word like a joke.
Especially mine, where I have longer bits.
So if you miss something in the beginning, you're going to miss the end.
Like the one-liner guys do fine with checks because there's barely anything to pay attention to.
Anyway, it's fine.
Some of the really good clubs stagger it, so they'll do like section by section.
That's where the whole thing doesn't go.
So we were, we're, I'm just doing the show, and there's this drunk table up front, right?
And second row, right?
And I give him a warning.
I go, ladies, you got to calm down.
Alex.
I give him a warning.
Listen, I give him a little warning.
Now, before that, I had probably done maybe 30 minutes of just off the dome like crowd work.
Yeah.
It was like one thing flowing into the net.
It was, it was, it was special, right?
Am I, and I'm not trying to toot my reward.
I'm just saying, it was like, it was good.
I told the, I address this one drunk table, and I say, you're going to have to get kicked out if you keep talking this, that, the other.
I'm addressing them so that nobody else's night is ruined.
I take maybe a 30-second lull to address this table, and some girl in the back goes, just tell another joke.
And apparently, I don't remember it because I blacked out, but apparently, I just go, I just go, shut the fuck up, bitch.
Are you fucking retarded?
Are you here?
A quiet ass room, and you hear, who is that laughing?
You as a man.
That was the funniest moment.
Son, in my mind, I'm like, what they're witnessing is the most magical thing in comedy, right?
It's like, yo, when you catch a pocket, that shit is beautiful.
And it's, and it's like, it's pitching a no-hitter.
You're pitching a perfect game.
It's pitching a perfect game, but it's like, and it's like, what I'm doing, I'm not like folding a crowd work thing into a bit that I have.
I'm talking about you say something to me.
Yeah.
And I'm saying witty punchline response in the moment.
Yeah.
Connecting different people in the crowd.
I mean, we're having like a real, some real magic.
A 30-second fucking delay and this twat in the background.
Tell another joke.
If she was in the front row, I would have punted her head off of her fucking neck.
I would have put my foot into her mouth.
I swear.
I think part of me would have taken my foot and just went and covered her mouth with my whole foot.
That's what I would have done.
I really believe I would have done that.
And then he was just so enraged after that.
Now I'm already on one.
Now I'm like, how can you guys not have put, listen?
I credit most of the audience.
The second I say it, people are fucking standing up going, woo!
Like, because they get it.
They understand what they're witnessing and some bitch is ruining it, right?
So I'm not putting that on the whole audience.
But the girl, remember the initial couple that was drunk?
Yeah.
There were four of them.
Two girls, two guys, right?
The initial table that was drunk.
I go, guys, they're going to kick you out.
This is your last warning.
You're cut off.
There's no more drinks.
They're like, oh, we're still drinking.
I go, you really don't understand.
You really don't understand what's about to come down on you right now.
There is about to fucking come down on you right now.
And they go, he goes, we're going to keep drinking, right?
And I go, all right.
Just it's, you're about to get kicked the fuck out.
Okay.
I go on and I start to do another bit, right?
I maybe say one line and I just hear, I just hear two glasses clink and then they go, cheers.
Out.
What do I say?
I go.
I stop and I go, who the fuck needs to cheer?
Dude, I am so enraged, bro.
Because like, it's fucking, it's like I'm not even there, bro.
Like, cheersing is when you have nothing to do and there's no conversation.
Drunk women at comedy shows, man.
Drunk white women at comedy shows.
There was a white and a black woman.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, it was.
So they were friends in the middle.
It said, who the fuck needs to cheer?
Dude, it was, think about it.
Cheersing is the ultimate, there's nothing else happening.
Yes.
Right?
You're right.
Like, you're not wrong.
When I have an awkward moment with someone at a bar and there's nothing to say, I just hit them with a cheers, bro.
Well, I'm even saying, like, it is our moment when we cheer.
You don't even cheers.
Cheers, I'm gonna drink.
I'll cheers at water when it's the whole thing is about us.
Hey, whole conversation stops.
Exactly.
This is all about this cheers.
So it's like the fact that you should not know that there's the fact that you could have no respect for what's going on on the stage and you should have said cheers and then dumped your water.
She was in the second row.
I couldn't do anything to, I couldn't physically do anything to her.
But she immediately got kicked out afterwards.
But it was just so disrespectful because it was like, you have no fucking, right?
You know what I'm saying?
You're right.
It's so disrespectful.
It's actually worse than heckling because heckling acknowledges that I exist.
Cheers is like, hey, that dancing monkey won't know anything about when I just cheers my friend.
And I'm like, what do you need to cheers about?
You're already here.
What could you possibly cheers about?
Another drink that you had?
What is there to cheers about?
You're cheersing something I said.
Like, what is there to cheers about?
Drunk to sloppy.
That's the transition they're cheersing.
But is that?
Someone tell me what they're cheersing about.
You should ask that.
Sometimes people are just happy and they cheer.
Yo, son, you know that guy?
I know what I'm saying.
He wasn't cheers.
You know that table is going crazy.
See if you can bring up like the DC improv's Yelp.
Apparently that table is going nuts on the DC improv.
They're like starting a shitstorm online about it to the point where the owner of the club asks if she can use our footage to prove that these people were being disrespectful.
Holy shit.
That's where we end up winning because when motherfuckers want to act crazy, we could, hey, go to the tape.
Cut the tape.
We got him in 4K this week.
That's it.
Yo.
You know, shut the fuck up, bitch, to you.
You didn't pay no attention.
You busy cheersing.
You could have got to shut the fuck up, bitch, too.
We might want to keep that one out.
That was a hard pitch.
It was harder than rage.
Like, you know how you give the hard bitch?
It was hard.
I don't know if I do, to be honest with you.
It's pretty melodic.
Okay, okay.
Here it is.
Oh, oh.
She already got a typo this stupid cunt.
Oh, I could only give them zero stars.
My husband and our cousins got kicked out for no reason.
The manager said it was the comedian who kicked us out, but yet still didn't give us a whole reason why.
I felt like because my aunt 2 why this is whatever the fuck.
Anyway, question didn't Andrew Schultz question fit his joke, so long run we need to go.
He asked if we were related.
Yes, I said, she's my cousin.
I didn't ask if they were related at all.
Remember, it was a white girl and a black girl out of nowhere.
She just goes, we're sisters.
Oh, yeah.
Do you know like when a white person has like a black friend and that's like important to them for some reason and they got to like let everybody know?
It's like, here's my black friend.
So that's what she was trying to do.
And we share a bottle of wine.
If anyone knows it's literally four glasses in a bottle, if we was Sherry, I can't even read anymore of this fucking country bumpkin idiot.
She probably wrote the shit right after she left that she was still fucking drunk.
And but what you got to do is just show you just to clarify this isn't the girl I said shut the fuck up, bitch, to I know it's not.
But this whole table of four got kicked the fuck out.
Wow.
I said whatever out loud because first off, I didn't drink enough to get cut off and I just wanted his attention off of us.
You wanted my attention off of you.
That's why you cheers in the fucking second row after I told you to stop talking and you're not going to have any alcohol.
I can't deal with these people.
I quit class with my cousin.
I was trying to get some water and ignore the comedian.
Why would you do that?
Ignore the reason you came to the show.
These people are crazy.
Do you want to keep going?
I'm done already.
Wait, let me see.
Go to the bottom of it.
Let me see what the reactions are.
Yeah.
What's the shitstorm?
People are reacting to that?
These people are obviously idiots.
I don't know.
But that's what maybe they.
I mean, the impromptu might be trying to get out ahead of it and being like, look, I don't want people to think this is a reflection of us.
Oh, you don't want bad reviews at your comedy club or any establishment.
People actually care about that shit.
But we also got to question the people who write risks.
You can't even spell Yelp, dude.
I was at a restaurant once, and there was a woman who reviews things at Yelp.
And it's white Yelp reviewers are.
Sorry, Yelp reviewers are the white version of Beyonce fans.
So if the Weehive.
Yeah, it's like, yeah, the Weehive.
So it's like, if Beyonce fans are fat, ugly black chicks with short hair that can't make a ponytail out of their hair because it's so short, right?
Then fat, ugly white chicks are Yelp reviewers.
He just described Nel Carter.
He had no Nel Carter.
No, who's that?
Principal on Hango, Mr. Cooper?
I don't know.
What?
I don't know that one.
Okay.
Anyway, that's just how I feel.
That's just how.
I did a joke.
I did a pretty good.
I'm riled up.
I did a show for I'm riled up right now, dude.
You got to be riled up.
I can't wait till we put it in.
Do you remember when that half Asian girl said some shit and I just had to go fucking nuts?
I need to see this footage, yo.
Remember the Thai chick?
Dude, there's this Thai chick that opened her mouth about some shit, and I gave her a chance to not talk.
I gave her a chance to shut up, and she kept going.
And I was like, listen.
Oh, you want attention?
A little condescending.
A little condescending.
But then she kept going, bro.
And I was like, how are you even talking?
I was like, the hottest chicks in your country are dudes.
Dude, I fucking late.
Dude, I was, you know, I haven't worked out in a while.
I was a little testy.
I think I was a little testy.
You were.
I got a little testy.
I didn't realize how bad it was until I got off stage and Alex comes up to me, or was it Mark?
Mark was like, bro, when you just told that girl, when you said, shut the fuck up, bitch, I got this all caps text from Alex.
Hey, come here, meltdown happening.
I felt it bubbling up.
I was like, oh, yeah.
It's bubbling.
I love it.
Every once in a while, it's one of those.
It's so good.
It's like a perfect stove.
Oh, God.
But besides that, it was really good.
Yeah.
We had a lot of fun.
We had a lot of fun, guys.
We had a lot of fun.
Alex won't talk about his fun at all, but we had a lot of fun.
Stop it, bro.
Come on.
We just went to DC.
We saw monuments.
DC, bro.
We just checked out the monuments.
Celebrating history.
That's it.
Man, I had a good joke.
We might have to release this joke.
Dude, hold on.
That fashion video.
I was upset at how good it was.
That was so fucking huge.
Can we show you the gayest part of the whole video?
That's Mark's head?
Yeah.
So here's the thing.
Can you bring up the video?
Play the video right here.
I knew I'd jump.
Mark is a team player, though.
But hold on, hold on.
This is why it's so funny.
I'll show you specifically.
Press play.
Now, you're not hearing any audio, but this is the start of the fashion video for all of you guys who have seen it.
Now, once we go over here, under the desk, when we go over to the Trump, when we go over to the president's desk, under the desk is Mark.
Now, you see Mark's head, and then Mark's head gets pushed back down to elude for the fact that he's given a blowjob, right?
Then for some fucking reason that I don't understand, he willingly starts bobbing his head up and down to the beat.
That wasn't asked of him at all.
He could have just hid under the desk and then clap his hands, right?
He's in character, son.
He's in character, son.
You got to respect that.
That's commitment.
Dog, I was baffled.
I even felt uncomfortable after watching it.
Hey, the opener is opening, son.
Got to earn your place, dude.
That's a true opening.
Yeah, you thought Louis was rough.
All right, that's enough.
Take it up.
The fashion penmanship is perfect.
Who wrote that shit out?
I did.
I did.
I wrote it.
I wrote it.
Shout to B Carps, man.
Brandon was there.
Oh, what?
He shot the video because we were all in it.
No doubt.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're moving on.
Son, can we tell you something?
The shorty that did his under the desk, so there's a little girl that comes out on the desk.
Not a little girl, a grown woman.
She's a grown woman.
Sorry, no Epstein.
No Epstein, no Epstein, no Epstein.
So we asked her to clap.
We asked her to clap on B to be the final clap.
Right?
We might have given this girl about four attempts to clap on beat, maybe five attempts to clap on beat.
Yo, you got the video of all the mess-ups?
You got the video.
Son, if you notice in the final version, she doesn't clap because she messed up the clap every single time.
So that means Mark is bobbing his head above my genitals time after time again.
And this girl, literally, all five of us, clapping on beat, and then she would go out and it would just sound like this.
He'd be like, fashion.
And then you hear.
Is she white?
Yeah.
Obviously.
White?
Mark's white.
Yeah, but you grew up in a dance studio and Mark gay.
So.
Yeah, you're right.
That's good.
He's proving it.
Jay-Z NFL Ownership00:14:44
Anyway, DC was fun, man.
We had a good time in DC.
Anything else happened in DC that was fun, Alex?
Can you remember?
We got any reads?
Oh, yeah, we do.
Perfect.
Let me hit that.
Let me hit the baby glad.
Reeds, man.
You think you're out of this?
Son, Akash can't make it 30 minutes without PM, bro.
You know, he didn't go through one bottle, actually.
He didn't even go through one bottle.
He didn't pee during that fucking engagement, did he?
No, he was shaking a lot, though.
I'll tell you that.
He was?
Yeah, he was excited.
He was really nervous?
Yeah.
I mean, wouldn't you be nervous if you were presento?
I mean, nah.
No.
I'll be nervous buying a ring.
There has to be something that makes you nervous, though.
I mean, things make me nervous.
Don't get me wrong.
But I got to make sure that we have the...
What's the date today?
Today is the 19th.
Okay.
Well, guys, this episode right here has been brought to you.
It has been brought to you by The Athletic.
The Athletic is really popping.
I don't know if y'all have noticed, but The Athletic is really popping.
They're really scooping up all the best writers out there.
They're putting out the best written content.
I think we got to get Kaz writing for The Athletic.
I think he'd be a good addition over there.
But I've gotten my subscription.
I've been really enjoying it, man.
And I'll tell you one thing.
I'm not going to mention competitors, but there are other sports websites out there.
Maybe the biggest sports website has been quite boring me with coverage.
It's been boring me with coverage.
You need people who are willing to get out there, grind, create interesting narratives, and run with them.
And that's what The Athletic is doing.
I notice a lot of the asshole army has been scooping up subscriptions to that.
So that's beautiful.
We love to hear that.
The Athletic, by the way, guys, is a subscription-based publisher of smarter sports coverage for die-hard fans.
The model is simple.
No ads, no pop-ups, no autoplay videos.
Coverage goes beyond game recaps to provide smarter analysis and deeper perspective about teams and leagues.
Subscribers have full access to all national and local NBA coverage plus stories, podcasts, videos from all sports.
It's all courtesy of their team of talented writers, which includes the likes of Shams Charnia.
Shout out to Shams.
David Aldrich, Sam Amic, Zach Harper, Ken Rosenthal, Jason Stark, Seth Davis, Pierre LeBrun, Stuart Mandel, Bruce Feldman, and Jay Glazer.
Go subscribe to the athletic today.
Go to theathletic.com slash flagrant two for 40% off a yearly subscription.
That comes out to $2.99 a month, guys, when you subscribe at theathletic.com slash flagrant two.
Slash flagrant two, guys.
The athletic.com slash flagrant two, man.
I'm telling you, I'm reading it.
I have my subscription.
It's going down.
I enjoy it.
How do you like the athletic?
I love it, dude.
I love it.
Shout out to Bob Surm.
Shout out to Jake Kemp.
Those are you guys?
But yeah, both guys from the ticket, actually, but they write for the athletic.
They put out great shit.
I follow the Mavericks.
I follow the Cowboys.
And I usually just follow whatever team LeBron is on, and they got like dedicated guys for that.
I love it.
I love it.
They're making moves.
I mean, it's kind of a brilliant thing.
This is the new business model, it seems.
Subscribing for content?
No.
Buying up market share and then monetization.
Right?
This is what Uber's doing, done, right?
Uber hasn't made any money yet.
But Uber is just throwing money until it becomes ubiquitous with just taking a taxi.
And then once it becomes so big that that's how everybody gets around, they're like, okay, this is how we'll profit.
That's what Amazon did.
Amazon didn't make money from Madlon.
That is the model for business.
The old model for business was prove that you're profitable and then you can scale up and get more investments.
And now the model is just colonize and consume.
And that's what the athletic has done is they just bought up.
They must have big investors because they bought up all the biggest writers.
And they're basically like, people want to read what these guys write.
We'll invest in the fact that they're interested in that and we'll just charge a premium.
And they're good articles.
And there's no like, you know, you go to the other articles and they are like they have mad pop-ups or they got shit like, read the 20 bubba bug.
These are you'll never believe who did this.
None of that.
Yes.
Good articles, and that's it.
Yeah.
Well, anyway, guys, we got to salute Jay-Z.
Shout out to my man Jay-Z.
About to be the first black NFL team owner.
I know he's gotten a lot of criticism right now, but I think you got to, in my personal opinion, you have to understand how the game works if you want to play the game.
Yeah.
It's easy.
It's easy to be.
How do I explain this?
It's easy to point out what's wrong with everybody.
It's hard to do what's right and create the upward mobility.
And in upward mobility in anything, any field, I don't care what the fuck it is.
If you get a certain job, there's going to be certain restrictions.
Everybody's got to sell out a little bit.
That's the whole point of being paid.
When you're not making any money, it's easy to keep it real.
You keep real broke.
That's how you're going to keep it.
Real talk.
It's like, it's so easy to say what everybody is doing to sell out when you're not making any money.
But when you are making money, there is, some people might call it a little bit of a sellout.
But the problem with calling a sellout instead of buying in is the fact that what these people are doing is potentially putting you, potentially putting themselves and their people, quote unquote, underneath them in a position at the table.
Which team is he about to own?
I thought he was working with the NFL PA on some shit.
So the first thing that came up is he's going to run their entertainment division.
And now what's also coming up afterwards is he's going to be a minority owner in a team.
We don't know which team?
He's going to be the first minority owner.
J-Lo kind of the dolphins like a minority shit.
Who knows?
Who knows?
But I guess the maybe the first black guy to do it.
I'm not exactly sure.
But point being is he's getting all this criticism.
Like he sold out Kaepernick.
And it's just the weirdest argument.
I don't get it.
Well, here's what I don't get about it.
It's like Kaepernick still wants to play in the NFL.
Yeah.
So are you the only one that can make money off the NFL?
Like, so you want to play in the league, but if Jay-Z wants to own a team in the league, he's selling you down the river.
And if you're blacklisted and nobody wants to sign you, how does Jay-Z investing in a team further blacklist you?
First of all, you would want Jay-Z on a team ownership committee.
Maybe you're going to get a job.
Yeah.
Right?
You would want, if you think there's a problem with the NFL and how it treats black people, wouldn't you want one of the owners to be black so he could talk to these other owners and tell them how to better treat black people?
You want people to have a seat on the table.
If you truly want upward mobility, not just to complain and get retweets, if you truly want to see the betterment of your people, you have to put, you have to have your people in power positions, right?
Just look at, you got to look at how certain countries and certain people operate, right?
Like Israel, wildly hated in the region it's in.
You know, they're doing deals with Egypt.
They're doing deals with countries that don't even acknowledge them as a country, right?
Because they understand the importance of doing business and understand the importance of putting that business ahead of maybe perception or head of hate or head of all these other things.
Everybody can get on Twitter and tweet all this nonsense.
But at the end of the day, it's who has power and who has influence.
And if you are the owner of an NFL team, you have power, you have influence in the NFL.
And if you want changes happening in the NFL, they don't happen through Twitter.
I mean, let's keep it 100.
What changes has Colin Kaepernick created in the NFL?
None.
None.
Just tell me.
Maybe I don't know.
Just tell me.
All right.
Actually, that's a good question.
In the NFL, maybe not.
But that wasn't his point of the protest.
Well, I know his.
So if his point wasn't, if that was, so this is my second part of that question.
If his point of the protest wasn't to change anything in the NFL, which it wasn't, it was to raise awareness for police brutality.
Yeah.
Why the fuck does Jay-Z owning a football team somehow sell out Colin Kaepernick?
If your protest had nothing to do with the NFL, if Jay-Z buys a police precinct, I could see it being an issue.
Honestly, I would want that.
I would want Jay-Z to, you know, 100%.
But you understand my point.
I'm agreeing.
If Jay-Z starts selling batons that police guys are using to beat black people with, I can see it as an issue.
But the reality of the matter.
Flashback.
That's sweet and shit.
So my point being, my point being, Arkash, is that I find it a little bit selfish of Cap.
And I need to speak to Cap or I need to speak to Nessa.
I need to speak to someone who really understands their side better.
And maybe some of the assholes listening, you could help explain those sides work.
Maybe we're getting that on here.
But like, I just need to understand that argument because it seems quite convoluted.
If the argument is, hey, nobody could like the NFL until Kaepernick plays in it, then this ain't about police brutality, right?
It's about Cap.
Who, for the record, we all like, just to be clear.
But yeah, I don't see how we've supported Cap the whole time.
So I just don't see.
I read an article from a comedian friend of mine.
I just didn't agree with her, but she was saying like Colin Kaepernick was getting things done, and now Jay-Z chooses to buy a team and it underlies the undermines it.
What was he getting done?
That's my point.
NFL ratings were down for one year.
Now they're all the way back up.
Oh, they're back.
They're back up.
The players that have all have sat out or been blackblisted or whatever.
Eric Raw, all back on teams.
Most of them aren't kneeling anymore.
Eric Reed is still kneeling.
Yep.
Kudos to him.
Most people are.
And guess what?
You're allowed to kneel, Eric.
Yeah.
You're allowed to kneel.
The thing I don't like is how people are framing it.
Like, you guys keep saying, oh, he's buying a team.
He's buying a team.
That hasn't been confirmed yet.
That's a rumor.
Right.
Like, the things that have been confirmed is that he's going to lead the league's live music entertainment strategy and also direct the NFL's Inspire Change, which is actually the division that the NFL implemented to calm all these racial issues that are going on in the NFL.
So isn't that the perfect place to implement someone like Jay-Z who's been describing, making all these changes, doing so many social...
You cannot question Jay-Z's record on social justice.
The dude is paying for, he was like paying bail for all the protesters that got arrested.
On the low.
Put out on the low without even publicizing it.
The Khalif Browder documentary that he put out, even having Beyonce, which isn't his decision, but I'm sure they make decisions as a couple.
When Beyonce did the Super Bowl and she came out on the Black Panther shit, like she did.
Formation, which is her most militant song that I know of.
Boom.
So it's like...
Like to send a message.
So it's like, if you support those things, don't you want that type of influence in the NFL?
And the fact that you could give any pushback at all means you're addicted to this.
And this is a problem with our generation.
You're addicted to this victimology shit because there's so much currency in it.
Yeah.
Right?
It's like you get so much value from pointing out how someone else is a sellout or someone else is an oppressor because you get all these retweets.
You get a bunch of listens on your podcast.
Hey, guess what?
People are going to listen.
And you're not, the shitty thing is you're not wrong because race is involved in every single interaction that we have.
Every single one.
There is an element of racism.
What we're describing is what percentage of that element of racism is influential here.
And in my opinion, having a guy like Jay-Z be any part of the NFL makes the NFL better for black people.
Yep.
100 fucking 50%.
I don't get how anyone can't see that.
Son, it is mind-boggling to me.
I knew as soon as I saw the headline, I knew there was going to be some blowback, but I couldn't see where.
I couldn't see how they were going to do it, but they were going to do it.
It's just what it is.
But yeah, I hope you do speak to Cap because he kind of is the one spearheaded this thing because, well, Cap don't speak to nobody.
Nessa kind of did.
Nessa will talk on it.
Cap don't speak to anybody.
He won't do an interview.
He won't do anything like that.
Because apparently Jay said that, oh, he spoke with them.
And then Nessa tweeted that he never spoke with us.
So that's what created this divide.
And that's what making people choose size.
And I'm like, I just don't get you guys just want no one to be a part of the NFL until you get back.
Except Cap.
So I thought this was about police brutality.
All I'm saying is Cap got to be very careful right now about his legacy because his legacy prior to this little snafu was good.
It was, wow, this man sacrificed everything.
This Super Bowl quarterback sacrificed everything so that he could get attention for a real issue in America that we need to adjust and we need to address in a real fucking way.
And any pushback about Jay-Z being the first black owner in the NFL is starting to seem like I want a little attention.
I want to be in the league.
I want something for me.
And then that goes back to the critics of Cap in the first place.
Do you remember when Cap wore those socks with the police as pigs, with the pigs, with the police hats?
Remember when Cap?
There was a couple things early on which did not seem to, I want to address police brutality and seemed very kind of anti-cop.
Right?
There's a few things that were said and done.
Boom.
Right?
So it's like Edit just put a picture on.
All I'm saying is he needs to be very careful about how he plays this because they can use this to switch his legacy, which is wildly positive and undeniably important.
Don't let your ego get in the way of how history paints you.
That's what I would say.
I think you're absolutely right.
And I haven't spoken to, I mean, nobody spoke to Cap, but I do remember meeting him before all this and being like, this is the nicest dude I think I've ever met.
Sweet guy.
Just so nice.
So I don't know where this is coming from.
I don't know if it's him or if it's his people.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Because the guy I saw, Nessa was filming Guy Code.
She brought him.
He hung back, didn't ask for a single thing.
Hey, can we do anything?
No, I'm good.
I'm here.
I'm hanging out.
Specific Niche Roles00:03:01
Watching his girl filming, like captivated by it, like truly a fan.
Like, I don't know him to be an attention-seeking guy in my one interaction with him.
Yeah.
So I don't know this is coming from him or whoever is helping put out his message.
Yeah.
And if it's them, I hope they're not fucking it up.
Yeah, I agree with you.
It's got to be stressful dating an activist.
Bruh.
Because you can't break up with an activist.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, you're breaking up with the cause.
I mean, right?
Like, like, if you guys are working towards something.
Also, active is in the title, son.
I don't want to be that active when I'm dating nobody.
Let me just hang back, watch a movie sometimes, bro.
Got to be active.
Well, I mean, like, Colin got lots of time to watch movies.
He needs to watch the replacements.
Shout out to that movie.
Who's in that, Keanu?
Kevin Reeves.
Yo, Keon, shout out to the GOAT, dog.
Yo, he's the GOAT, bro.
He don't put out bad movies.
I remember my roommates in college, everybody said shit on his acting, and everybody'd be like, no, name a bad Keanu Reeves movie.
Also, why is he bad at acting?
I think he's great at acting.
Yeah, he is.
I think he's good.
People act like he's bad.
He plays this aloof kind of weirdo incredibly well.
He also plays out of breath well.
He plays like tired from running very well and like beat up very well.
He plays a huge portion of action very well.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
I mean, that's all he does very well.
Yeah, the action, but y'all, you don't, like, motherfuckers, and not everybody got to be Dan Day Lewis out here.
That's true.
Just stay in your lane.
You know?
Bruh, hold on.
I feel like he's been in not.
I feel like he's been in some good luck.
Bill and Ted, son.
Oh, great movie.
That's fantastic, Devon.
Devil's advocate.
Fire.
Fire.
You know what I mean?
I don't know.
Yeah, never any roles that invoke emotion or like blew you away and shit like that.
Something's got to give, son.
That's a great-ass movie.
Yeah, he's not out there blowing you away.
So that means you can't say he's a great actor.
Why not?
Look at all the bangers all the way across the list.
Indeed, what he does.
Like, this motherfucker has a specific niche role, and he's excellent at it.
Plain as that.
Bro, that's that fucking.
So would you say Samuel L. Jackson's a great actor?
Yes.
Work?
Yes.
Specific niche thing he does, but he does exceptionally well.
Okay.
But I like typecasts.
Like, my favorite actors are not the ones that show diversity.
My favorite actors are the ones that I want to see play themselves.
Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, I love Vince Vaughn.
When he was in every movie, I want him to be Vince Vaughn.
He's the best.
He was the best.
Now he might be a little bit washy-washy, but I remember when he was in the remake of Psycho.
Remember that?
I was so fucking disappointed that he was trying to act like Norman Bates.
Yeah.
Like, just be Vince Vaughn, dawg.
Just be Vince Vaughn.
Do whatever you got to do, but just be you.
Dwight Howard Injury00:04:15
That's why I'm here.
Honey, baby, mommy.
You're acting a little weird right now.
Yeah, charm him up.
Yo, Samuel L. Jackson, Django Unchained, is one of the funniest fucking roles of all time.
Yeah, he's a wild boy right there, man.
That shit is so funny, dawg.
That was a good movie, man.
How useless is Captain Marvel, man?
Yo, this bitch getting a sequel probably, huh?
Did any of us watch that movie?
Yeah, I seen it.
How was it?
Is that?
Yo, is Waterman, what is it?
Aquaman good?
I don't know the name of these movies.
Is Aquaman good?
I didn't like it.
You didn't like it at all?
Not really.
I don't fuck with DC movies.
They just never somehow.
Yeah, for some reason, Batman slaps, bro.
Batman was.
And this new Joker about to slap, too.
Who's in it?
Joaquin Phoenix.
Oh, shit.
Oh, yeah.
He's like a stand-up comedian, isn't he?
Or he tries it.
He like tries it, I think.
Okay.
Yeah, this is...
It's a wild.
It's a wild thing.
Anyway, I just wanted to at least talk, have that conversation.
Assholes, if there's something we're missing, holler at us, see if there's another perspective we don't know, holler at us, you know, that we want to unpack these things.
That's just from what I can, you know, glean.
Is that the word?
Yeah.
From what I can glean, it seems pretty cut and dry.
You know?
What else we got, Akash?
Boogie Cousins tore his ACL.
This guy, man.
Poor guy.
I mean, it's his body's really given up on it.
It's done.
It's over now.
He's going to keep trying to play it, but it's over, over.
It is over.
So what do you think it was?
You think it was overcompensation?
Usually that's what happens, right?
I think he probably came back from every injury too fast.
And is it the opposite?
Can you look this up, Ed?
Is it the opposite leg from the quad rupture and Achilles?
I don't even know if those are the same leg.
Were those the same leg?
I'm not sure, but usually what happens is, like what happened with D. Rose, is I overcompensate with the other leg because this knee's fucked up, and now I just shatter this knee.
Shout out to Tom Thibodeau.
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know, but it's just now I think he came back from a quad injury in like four weeks or whatever the fuck it was.
Yeah.
And he played playoff minutes, bro.
Playoff minutes are a lot.
Yeah.
Intense minutes.
Finals minutes.
I'm just laughing at the Lakers.
Wait a minute, because he was signed, huh?
Wow.
And now there's like nobody available for them to pick up.
Well, now they got Dwight Howard.
Is that done?
I think it's talking.
Are they talking?
They didn't finish it?
I mean, Dwight Howard do well in LA, right?
Cities for Dwight Howard, I think, are Atlanta, L.A. If New York put a basketball team in like Chelsea, I think would be good.
That's a Square Garden close enough to Chelsea.
It's got the word garden in it.
I'm sure he can figure that out.
And Hell's Kitchen is.
I didn't realize how.
Yo, there was a comic named Alex Anderson, which is who I thought you were when you first tweeted me.
Yeah.
Shout out to Alex.
Because your Twitter was Alex Anderson.
And the only reason I respond to your DM is because I thought it was Alex.
Oh, shit.
Look at that.
Talking about me.
No, it is fake in a lot of ways.
He had this joke.
I think it was Alex about how New York is the only city with multiple gay neighborhoods.
Right?
Like, every other city has a gay neighborhood, right?
New York has Chelsea, Hell's Kitchen, Soho, the village, the West Village.
The village people were from the village, son.
The village.
What else?
All the West Side, pretty much gay.
Harlem, now?
Well, no, Harlem's not gay.
Kidding.
But they're trying to shake that gay off.
That's where the dance comes from.
It's like someone put a finger in there, but stop sagging your pants.
Dude, if you could catch gay, black people would catch it first, bro.
It would sneak right up your buttholes because your pants are so sagged.
Yo, that's how Cosby should have got black people to pull their pants up.
You see, the thing is, the gay sneaks up in your butt cracks in between your boxing briefs.
So if you don't keep your pants up, someone's going to sneak in there.
I know a thing or two about sneaking things in.
That's a good bit.
Clippers Super Team00:13:38
Thank you, guys.
That's a good bit.
Thank you, guys.
Boogie done.
Boogie's fucking done, man.
What are the Lakers going to do?
They get Dwight Howard, but now it's their squad.
They got A.D. Can you, how does it work with the CBA?
They've signed Boogie.
Yeah.
So Boogie's on the books for the year.
On the books.
But can they do one of those injury exclusion things where...
Well, I don't know.
I don't know all the loopholes, but it seems like your money's tied up.
And now you can't sign people for over-the-luxury tax unless it's like the Larry Bird.
There's so many fucking rules.
There's these little exceptions.
All right, we got to talk about it.
We collar at them, see what they can do.
Who's left?
They got LeBron and A.D., LeBron and A.D. Rondo.
Rondo.
Kyle Kuzma.
Koos.
They still have to fill out the roster a little bit.
I don't think JaVail's still there.
Yeah, I think he is.
Really?
I think they resigned him, I think.
Look, you have LeBron and A.D. Let's be honest.
You have LeBron and A.D.
We are underestimating.
Danny Green.
We are underestimating how fucking valuable LeBron and A.D. is by itself.
We're acting like we're in this super team world.
Who do they really have to compete with?
Clippers.
It's the Clippers.
And we don't even know if PG, and they should, but we don't even know if PG and Kawhi are going to play well.
PG had a shoulder injury last year.
Is that going to need surgery?
In his shooting arm, are you going to be able to recover?
If PG can't shoot, what are you?
Just another...
What are you?
What are you?
You're a stretch three that can't shoot.
But you can still defend fucking everyone.
That's fair.
It's not going to be bad.
All I'm saying is I'll take LeBron and A.D. over Kawhi and no shooting PG, and I'll take LeBron and A.D. over Kawhi and PG.
I don't know about that one.
You would rather Kawhi and PG over LeBron and A.D.?
The way Kawhi played.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
You would rather.
Kawhi and PG over LeBron and A.D.
I think I take LeBron and A.D., but I don't think it's as open and shut as that.
And I think positions three through 12 or whatever are so much stronger with the Clippers.
Who else they have?
They got Patrick Beverly playing point guard.
Okay, Rondo, Patrick Beverly cancel each other out in terms of effectiveness.
Yeah, but Beverly can hit an open three.
Yeah, but I think Rondo does certain intangibles offensively.
He's a genius.
Rondo is a basketball genius.
Yeah, but also him and LeBron, every time he has the ball, LeBron doesn't.
Sure, that being said, you still have genius level IQ.
You built the Clippers roster, by the way.
Real quick, you have genius level IQ, and you also have someone who can run the offense when LeBron is on the bench.
I don't even care if Rondo and LeBron don't ever play a minute together.
At least you have a situation where good shots will get up when LeBron is on the bench.
And what was the issue on every LeBron team?
What was the issue on every LeBron team that we've seen outside of Miami?
When LeBron went to the bench, there was nothing.
Shut down.
There was no even offensive flow.
But you realized Rondo was on the Lakers last year.
Sure.
It didn't matter.
What didn't matter?
When LeBron was out, they were still done.
Son, I'm not saying LeBron cannot play.
I'm saying for the six-minute stretch.
Let me finish.
The six-minute stretch when LeBron is on the bench, the offense can at least function.
Do you remember what the Cavaliers looked like when LeBron hit the bench?
Yeah.
The best they could get was a contested three.
That was the best that Kyrie Irving could produce with LeBron on the bench.
Contested three-point jumper.
I will actually say I think LeBron and A.D., you're right, are definitively better than Kawhi and Paul George, but I still think Patrick Beverly, Lou Williams, go down, Montrez Harrell, Mo Harkless, Wilson Chandler.
I mean, this is a fucking squad, dude.
I mean, Wilson Chandler, eh?
That's a great bench.
Love Mo Harkless, a great defender.
I like Harrell.
Montrez Harrell, good defender.
Like, this team defensively is insane.
Landry Shamet or whatever the fuck his name is going to hit an open three.
I don't know if it's that much better, guys.
To me, it's definitively better.
I think expectations are low, and when expectations are low, we are easily impressed.
But let's think about it.
A.D., LeBron, Kyle Kuzma, just those three.
Do they have a third player that's as effective as Kyle Kuzma?
Yeah, Lou Williams.
You think Lou is better than Kyle?
I think Lou is better.
Okay, I'll give you that.
I'll give you that.
Danny Green, I'd say Danny Green is more effective than Wilson Chandler.
Yeah, Danny Green's more effective than Mo Harkless.
But I would take Mo Harkless, Montrez-Harrell, and whoever the fuck is that.
Well, I would take Kyle over Mohar.
I would take Kyle over Montrez-Harrell.
I'm just going position by position.
Yeah, but here's what I'm saying.
The Raptors won the finals with some kind of depth.
The Clippers have some kind of depth.
The Lakers have zero kind of, like, even one through five, you're already like.
Totally, totally.
But let's just go position by position, right?
So we go LeBron versus Paul George.
LeBron.
Right?
A.D. versus, I guess, Montrez Harrell.
Sure.
So A.D., right?
Kawhi versus Kyle?
Yeah.
Kawhi.
Yeah.
Or Paul George versus Kyle.
Yeah, sure.
Paul George.
We'll give you.
LeBron and Kawhi, though, is a wash.
It might be a wash.
I agree with you.
I wouldn't even be mad if you said Kawhi over LeBron.
I say Kawhi over LeBron.
And look, I'm not mad at that.
I'm not mad at that.
I just feel like there is a drop-off, a real drop-off after Kawhi because Paul George couldn't do what Kawhi did.
Kawhi took an okay Raptors team to the finals and won it.
Paul George couldn't take what we thought was a pretty good OKC team.
Paul George is good second banana.
That's what Paul George is.
He's a really good second banana.
But what we learned is not good enough as a second banana.
Right?
How good is the Lakers team if they didn't have LeBron?
I mean, like, how good are the Clippers without Kawhi?
No, but I'm just saying Kawhi can shut down LeBron.
He could shut up.
What about Kawhi still made it to the playoffs and took two off the ward?
LeBron can't shut him up.
I'm a Clippers fan.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm a Clippers fan, and I think the Clippers are great, and they outperformed their ability.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm just saying we're underestimating the power of having.
When LeBron played on the Lakers last year, they were a playoff team.
Let's act like, let's not act like they weren't, right?
Like, if LeBron doesn't get injured, they're in the playoffs.
If the Bond doesn't get injured, the Clippers don't make the playoffs, right?
So LeBron gets injured.
He loses out on 15, 16 games or something like that.
And the Clippers sneak in and the Lakers don't.
But, like, you see what I'm saying here?
No, I hope that I'm just saying.
And the second and the Clippers don't make the playoffs, the second the Clippers don't make the playoffs, we stop going, oh my God, the Clippers are so good and they took two games and da-da-da-da.
I'm just saying we might be overestimating them a little, myself included, might be overestimating how good they are a little bit and underestimating how good the Lakers could potentially be.
I just feel the difference is going to be defense.
Yeah, they're defensive.
It's undeniable.
That's going to be the difference.
Undeniably better.
And maybe, and I think that Doc is a good defensive coach.
This might be the best defensive team ever.
Really?
In an era of all offense, this might end up being.
Kawhi Leonard is an all-time great defender.
Yes.
Paul George is a perennial all-star defender, like one of the better defenders in the league.
Patrick Beverly made his name on defense.
Paul Harkless is also a 3D guy.
And I'm leaving out somebody.
Lou Williams doesn't really offer much defense, but there's another.
Oh, Montres Harrel's another good defender.
They got five hellacious defenders.
Nope.
Not denying.
Not denying.
But you still got to put up points.
And they got guys that can give you buckets.
Lou can give you buckets.
I think Chandler can hit open shots.
I think this guy Shammit can hit open shots.
I think Chandler's useless.
Shamu maybe gets knocked down some open shots.
I think that you're looking at Kawhi, and Kawhi went there like, Paul George better be able to carry this load.
And if Paul George's shoulder is fucked, I think Kawhi is going to wish he never left Toronto.
I think Kawhi went to the Clippers because he was like, I carry too much weight and my body can't control.
I can't do that.
I had to literally carry this whole fucking team on my back.
There was nobody else who could score outside of Pascal.
Yeah.
You know, was it Lowry?
You can't count on him for a bucket.
Sometimes he plays great, sometimes he doesn't.
I think if he stayed, the Raptors would have been better next year.
I think Pascal's a year better.
I think Lowry, when he got that playoff monkey off his back, now he, I don't know when he's going to make it back to the playoffs, but if he did, I bet he'd be so free.
100%.
So free.
Especially with the security blanket of Kawhi.
Yeah.
Hey, I can miss this shot.
You know why?
Because Kawhi's going to play some tough defense.
We're going to get it back.
I think the Clippers are really fucking good.
I still would have loved to have seen the Raptors run it back once.
And I think they do.
I don't know who's better, to be honest.
I think these Clippers could be better than those Raptors, but I would love to have seen them run it back.
Yeah.
But then the next year, they're going to add everybody off the books.
Gasal is off the books.
Lowry's off the books.
I could have had crazy Caprim with Pascal still getting better, with Kawhi still at his peak.
It would have been crazy.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
Look, it's an interesting time.
It's a very, very interesting time.
I just know for certain that my Knicks will be horrible.
And there's nothing that we can do about that.
There's absolutely nothing we can do.
There never will be.
We're making the playoffs.
You think the Knicks are making the playoffs?
You actually think that, or are you just saying it?
Half and half.
Okay.
At least he's honest.
Now we can't even be like fake Braggadocious.
That's how demoralizing these guys are.
I used to start every season going, we'll win a new championship in three.
That was my joke.
Six and three.
Maybe we'll make the playoffs, and even sarcastically, we can't get behind it.
Yeah.
How do you guys know about Brooklyn?
The Brooklyn Nets?
That's where I'll be watching all my games.
This year?
With no KD?
Yeah.
If I want to watch basketball, I love basketball.
So if I want to watch a basketball game, I'll watch the Nets play the team, not the Knicks, because I cannot support the Knicks.
No, absolutely not.
What was that report that only four Knicks games are going to be officially televised?
Only three Knicks games will be nationally televised this year.
Can I be honest with you?
Yeah.
Three too many.
I'm not denying that at all.
I'm saying at some point, that's got to affect a team's bottom line, or is there an equal distribution of a good degree?
I know they spread the money out a little bit, but.
They must spread it out.
But it's got to affect you also.
They do spread it out, but it's got to affect you the most if you're not.
But you don't think that it's just an even spread and you just choose games based on how you choose them.
It's like, hey, sometimes teams are good, sometimes teams are bad.
Maybe.
I would think you should keep the lion's share of the money that your team makes and then you distribute the rest.
Yes.
That's how I think it would work.
That's the NFL Cowboys theory, right?
Right.
But I'm under the impression, and like the Braves, for example, the Braves are owned by Turner, right?
So they would always be on TBS and shit like that.
But I was under the impression that could be completely wrong, that they would be, there's a revenue share based on the TV deals.
Yeah, there's revenue share, but I think, I don't know.
I assume if you're on national TV the most, you get the, you know.
Well, then this is good.
If the Knicks keep it.
Yeah, and we keep on not having any national exposure.
His money, his bottom line gets hurt.
His dollar gets fucked.
And then that's the only way we could possibly.
You guys in New York is you got to organize some kind of boycott.
I've boycotted.
I mean, you got to organize a mass boycott.
Like, imagine one game where like 100 people are in the stands.
Son, I would be so down to do it.
Just one game.
Fucking tourists.
Here's the problem when you come with a big city in New York.
If you're in Oklahoma City, right?
You can do that.
You can do it because they need the people that live in Oklahoma to show up to every fucking game.
Yeah.
New York, a New Yorker, not a single New Yorker should show up to a Knicks game, and it could be packed.
It's like comedy clubs.
Not a single New Yorker could show up to a comedy club, and the club will be packed with fucking Swedish people, Australians, anybody who's just in town, they want to do something.
What you got to do is stay outside of the arena and rob motherfuckers as a company.
Harass.
For real.
Maybe we should.
We should get real New York about it.
Just bully up some people.
Honestly.
Well, I had a plan, and if I end up doing this, you'll hear it.
You've heard it here on the podcast.
Do that shit.
But so I was in Montreal, and I was talking to Michael Rappaport about it.
You guys know Michael Rappaport.
And Michael Rappaport and I were on this gala together, and we were, I was like, bro, you know, Michael Rapport hates the Dolan.
He hates James Dolan.
Right, right.
And he might even be banned from the garden or something like that.
I don't think he gets the good seats anymore or whatever.
And I was like, rap, what we need to do is find out when his band is playing, the jazz bands.
And I was going to do this because he has a San Diego show.
And they play these small venues.
It's like $10 a ticket.
James Dolan, the owner of the Knicks, is in a jazz band.
And they play these small little venues, $10 a ticket.
Yeah.
Low-key, I respect it, but you know what I mean?
Like having a hobby when you're a billionaire and just doing it, but it's fine.
The point is, what we could do is find out when they're going to play a show.
Sober Driver Debate00:04:59
They have a website.
We could post.
And then I would buy out every seat in the venue.
And I'd fill it with Knicks fans.
And we'd go in there and listen to a song and be into it.
And then song two, we just start fucking booing.
Sell the Knicks.
Sell the Knicks.
And I think public shit.
Now, here's the thing.
If I do this, I'll never play the garden as a comedian.
So I have to sacrifice the garden.
But Barclays we can do, and also New York Legend for life.
Yeah, for sure.
For love.
Yeah, here's the thing.
People are going to get suspicious.
He's going to get suspicious the second a human being buys a ticket to one of his shows.
Yeah, yeah.
He's going to be like, what's going on?
I have never sold up.
Sold out?
I'm not coming.
Something's up.
I'm being punked.
Something's going on.
It's a good idea, though, right?
Yeah, it was a great idea.
We should fucking do it.
All right, we're going to take a break real quick.
Pay some bills.
How do you say bills in Spanish?
Pay some, that's like the check.
But bills are different.
I don't know.
But anyway, we're going to pay them shits.
You know what I mean?
Guys, everyone knows about the risk of driving drunk.
You could get in a crash.
People could get hurt or killed.
Yo, real talk?
Alex and I and Mark saved a life in D.C.
We did.
There was a dude that was parked, parallel parked, in between two cars.
Okay.
He was trying to pull out.
The dude slammed into the car in front of him, which had people in the car, slammed into the car behind him.
Jesus.
And then he tries to pull out, and the dude just stands in front so he can't drive.
Yeah.
Alex was a great person, man.
He was like, nah, we got to help him.
We all go help this guy.
We stop.
We get him out of the car.
No, we get him to actually parallel park his car.
We call his boy, who he was driving his boy's car.
Alex called him an Uber from his from Alex's phone, called him an Uber, sent him home.
Not only did we save a life, which his man.
That's some good karma, fam.
I think we really built up some shit right there.
I want to.
Anyway, point is, let me tell you some surprising statistics because there's not always saviors like us out there in these streets.
Almost 29 people in the United States die every day in alcohol-impaired vehicle crashes.
That's one person every 50 minutes.
Think about that.
Even though drunk driving fatalities have fallen by a third in the last three decades, drunk driving crashes still claim more than 10,000 lives each year.
You could get arrested and incur huge legal expenses.
You can possibly even lose your job.
So what can you do to prevent drunk driving?
Plan a safe ride home before you start drinking.
Designate a sober driver or call a taxi, an Uber or something.
It's the easiest time in history to get a ride home.
There is no easier time.
Don't drive drunk.
It's inexcusable.
Inexcusable.
To not call a fucking Uber.
It's just shocking, man.
You cheap fuck.
You're being a cheap fuck.
If someone you know has been drinking, take their keys and arrange for them to get a sober ride home.
Now, look, we all know the consequences of driving drunk, but one thing for sure is you're wrong if you think it's no big deal.
Drive sober or get pulled over.
Those are bars.
That's bars.
Okay?
This has been brought to you by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.
Not playing around, guys.
Don't drive drunk.
Let's get back to the show.
Hey, guys, I just want to let you guys know some Matador tour dates.
Thank y'all so much again for coming out to D.C.
That was incredible.
Chicago, we're going to be in Chicago, the Thalia Hall Theater.
Two shows this Friday.
Early shows sold out.
I think there's some tickets left for the late show, but they're going quick.
So get on that shit.
It's going to sell out.
I'm very excited to play this theater.
Got a lot of great history in this theater, man.
Chappelle would always play it when he played Chicago.
So excited to go down there.
Then we got Moscow.
We'll be out there to 7th, Moscow, Russia.
And then after that, we are going to Australia.
We'll be there the 20th through the 29th.
We're adding more shows.
I think we're adding another show in Brisbane.
We release more tickets to both shows in Sydney and any other show that sells out, man.
We're going to try to add some more shows because, you know, we don't know how often we're going to be out there, man, to be honest.
This is your shot.
You want to come see me?
You want to come see me do stand-up?
You're going to have to do it this time, man.
It's a long fucking trip.
Y'all know it.
It's a long-ass trip.
But then we're going to come back to the States.
Matted or Tour continues, man.
TheandrewShows.com for tickets.
We got new cities, new sets.
Make sure you get those tickets early.
I can't stress that enough.
Every time I come into a market, I got people telling me, hey, man, how do we get tickets?
How do we get tickets?
How do we get tickets?
There's nothing I can do.
I can only tell you this early.
So make sure you get those tickets now.
Akash, what you got cooking, baby?
First of all, shout out to everybody who came out to the Brownish Comedy Show.
LeVeon Bell Contract00:04:30
We sold it out.
It was fire.
Second, thank you to everybody.
I appreciate y'all's tough love last episode.
I think it made the assholes go check me out.
I put up a clip Thursday.
The assholes kept commenting.
I don't know how y'all played the algorithm.
But in four days, it's got like 150,000 views.
Amazing.
Wow.
It's Monday.
That was Thursday.
Amazing.
So please keep supporting.
Please keep commenting when I put up videos.
Andrew's shadow banner.
So just take all that love to me for a second.
Commenting on that.
I'm back.
Rogan got me back.
Oh, Rogan got you back.
Goddamn, the God.
But anyway, in the meantime, come to Houston, Secret Group, 8 p.m. on September 6th.
September 7th, I'm in Austin at the Fallout Theater at 7 p.m.
I'm back there September 8th at 8.30 p.m.
September 13th, San Francisco, two shows at Piano Fight, 8 and 10.30.
September 19th, LA, the Belly Room at 8 p.m.
The tickets are finally up on their website.
So shout out to everybody who harassed the comedy store into getting that done.
September 20th, I'm at Portland, a Curious Comedy at 7.30.
And October 11th, we got two shows in Minneapolis at Sisyphus Brewing, 8 and 10.30.
Check it out.
All tickets are available at my website, akashing.com.
Perfect, man.
All right, guys, let's get back to this show.
What did you hear about the Jerry Jones negotiation with not Dak?
Zeke?
Zeke, yes.
I haven't heard anything new.
I've heard Zeke wants to set the market for running backs.
So I heard they offered him a deal.
This is rumors, but I've heard they offered him basically first or second highest paid running back.
And he's like, no, I want beyond that.
I want to create the market for running backs.
Cool.
That's your right to do that.
But you're under contract for two more years.
Go fuck yourself.
Yeah, we could just not play you, and then you won't make any money, and we'll see what happens.
Hold on.
You could not play him, and then he wouldn't make any money?
I think he's got his guaranteed money, but if you don't show up, I'm sure you have to give that up.
Because that's what people were saying when Antonio Brown was going to retire.
Oh, Not play you means you could just not show up.
You just don't show up, and then you continue holding out, and you don't get paid.
We're just not going to pay you.
I might have said play you, but I'm going to say pay you.
Okay.
Or you come play for a number that's still top of the market.
So apparently they've offered, they got three big contracts coming up.
Dak, Amari Cooper, the wide receiver, and Ezekiel Elliott.
And they offered them all positions that were at least top five at their position.
They offered them all contracts or top five at their position.
All of them said no.
And so they're just like, no.
Reasonable that they said no?
I think for Zeke, you want to be maybe number one, number two, whatever.
Zeke deserves it.
You think he's a premier running back?
I don't know.
A lot of people say don't pay running backs.
But if he might, he's probably the best running back in the league.
Okay, let's say you do pay.
You are going to pay a running back.
Is he the best running back in the league?
Him, Saquon.
It's like that group.
They're the best.
It's like the best receiver could be Odell or Antonio Brown or Joe Jones or whoever or Hopkins at Houston.
Zeke, same thing.
He's in that conversation.
Okay.
Amari?
Amari?
No.
He's just outside the second position.
Dak, third tier, who I like, but you're third tier.
And to me, it's like.
You're a game manager that the team can get behind.
And you could get good.
He's got a crazy work ethic and like good leadership skills, and he could get better.
But like right now, top five is overpaying you and understanding I'm overpaying you.
And they were willing to give him top five, and he's trying to.
Apparently, he said no to 30 million a year.
That's right.
And you were saying, I think last podcast that the rumor is he said he wanted 40.
So that they'll settle at 35.
The idea is to get them to settle at 35.
I don't know if that's true or not.
That's what the rumor is.
But if he said no to 30, cool, man.
Good luck.
Good luck getting 30 from because all it takes is one team to pay a dumbass contract, and I get that.
And Le'Veon Bell, matter of fact, the guy who gave Le'Veon Bell his money got fired already.
The gentleman who signed Le'Veon Bell, I'm pretty sure, got fired already.
So, like, this is not the winning move.
And I don't know what team is going to look at Dak and say we are one Dak Prescott away from the Super Bowl.
Wow.
I just don't know who's going to do that.
And it just takes, and they're all stupid, and it takes one stupid team, but I don't see it.
At what point, right?
Because here's the thing that we got to realize about these players: is you and I are 35 years old.
Yeah.
Right?
We've been dealing with contracts for a third of our lives.
Yeah.
And at least for me, just now I'm getting to the point where I can walk away from shit, where I'm reading every contract, really negotiating, like saying my sticking points and this kind of shit.
Lawyered Up Notes00:02:54
You're a 24-year-old kid that enjoys the finer things in life because you can.
You don't want to sit down and read a fucking contract, bro.
Dude, I was reading a contract today on the train here.
They do not pay lawyers enough.
Nobody is more underpaid than lawyers.
The fact that you read this shit for a living, bro.
We have to get a lawyer on here who really loves his job so they can explain to me what the fuck is exactly going on.
Like why you love your job.
Because I was reading it, trying.
I never met a lawyer who loved his job.
Okay.
Thank God.
Because I was on another call with a lawyer today, and they were like, I really love what I do.
And immediately I was like, I can't hire you.
Yeah.
Because you have to go, I love making money.
And this is the best way for me to make money.
This horrible thing that I do.
Be honest with me.
Be honest with me.
When you say you love what you do, you are a crazy person.
Like, you must be a crazy person.
Do you understand what love is and doing?
Like, let me take you to a water park.
That is fun.
We could go to a water park.
And then after the water park, we'll go right to do a contract.
And then you tell me if you can distinguish.
Which one did you really have more fun doing?
Log flume or legal ease?
You tell me which is more exciting.
Because, bro, I cannot tell.
I was trying to put a dollar amount on what it would take me to go through this contract that I was going through today.
They took me literally four hours to read four pages.
Hereby, irrevocably.
It's a lot.
I only got to say hereby.
You know what they do?
They split the page in half like a fucking Bible and they do really small prints.
Yeah.
So it's like double on each.
It's a war of attrition.
Yeah.
They're trying to wear you down.
Yeah.
They're trying to grind you down.
You did that.
And I felt them doing it to me.
And you know what?
You did it.
I was grinding, bro.
I had my little highlighter out.
I had my little key.
I'm making my notes.
In the beginning, you'll see all these meticulous notes.
Man enthusiasm.
This little line highlighted a question about this little line.
You look at like five pages in.
I just question mark the whole section.
I just do a highlighter question mark.
The pen, I threw that out the window.
We're just doing highlighter question mark, and I'm just going to lawyer.
What the fuck is Article 6?
The whole article.
Because I don't understand what irrevocably means.
You either revoke it or you don't.
But I don't know how you irrevocable it.
It means you can't revoke it.
Just say that.
What the fuck?
That is how you say it, though, irrevocably.
Don't revoke it!
I just don't.
I don't understand hereby, because it just means now.
So, why you guys say all these extra letters and make it sound like motherfucking the town squire?
Hereby means now.
Indian Doctor Jokes00:03:42
I think so, right?
But that's what lawyers are for.
They're just trying to fuck each other using these big-ass flowery words.
Like, who could fucking know?
You don't need to do a 10-page book report and you had one page of shit to say.
Yeah.
And then you scroll it up.
Hereby Huck Finn has irrevocably been changed by the end of this novel.
Heretofore, from here on after.
Just put it in Helvetica.
I don't got time for all these hereby zero volumes.
Courier knew is the real joke.
Courier knew.
That was a joke.
Dude, that's his square.
Why aren't there more Indian lawyers?
You guys are the best at the spelling B. You were killing that shit.
Spelling isn't the hard part about law.
No, but they understand the word.
Use it in the meaning, a sentence or something.
Hell yeah.
I know every word.
They would understand the document.
That's true.
I'm performing September 28th, Dallas for a group of Indian lawyers.
If you want to buy tickets, though, assholes, and just mob out, I think it'd be the funniest shit ever if just a bunch of assholes flooded the show.
That would be funny.
Go do that.
Go support.
S-A-B-A.org, probably.
Look it up.
Saba Dallas.
Dude, there's something that's really scaring me in your prejudice shows when things are on the line.
You got a black lawyer fired?
No, it's a Cochrane.
It's a white.
It's a white.
Oh, like an Anglo-white?
It's an Anglo-white.
I was looking at his last name.
When my agent sent me the guy's last name, I almost pulled my hair out of my fucking head.
I'm like, Hooper?
Hooper is somebody you want to play basketball with.
Hooper?
What the fuck is Hooper gonna do with my document?
Hooper?
Go get me a Golden Stein right this fucking second.
Hooper!
What am I gonna do with Hooper?
Hooper's somebody that goes to Costco to get lots of ketchup and mayonnaise so he doesn't have to make multiple trips throughout the year.
Hooper.
Right?
Hooper, someone who went on a jog with his golden retriever this morning is really excited to get in the outdoors because it clears his head.
Hooper.
I need a Jew that hasn't had hair on the top of his head since high school.
That's who I need.
Okay?
Oh, my God.
Hooper.
You got to look at the picture, though.
If he got the douchebag haircut, the slick joint.
Nah, fuck that.
Jew, You need to, there's certain things you don't play around.
Jewish, you have to do it.
You have to do it.
I don't know why I trust with these things.
Listen, you have to go Jewish.
Doctor?
That's us.
What's up?
I go Indian.
I go Indian with Doctor.
I go Indian with Doctor.
Jews too.
I go Jews too.
No, I do.
I go Jews too.
That's you.
Landscapers.
Landscapers.
Anybody hiring a fucking...
Let's be honest.
Y'all are closer to the grant.
You're more effective at the...
It's landscaping.
Who's the closest to the land?
Who can get in there?
It's not tree scaping.
Right?
It's not balcony scaping.
It's landscaping.
You want the people that barely got to bend down to take care of them hedges, bro.
We fuck it up.
You do.
You probably had to dig a little trench to sneak under the shit to get to America.
That's it.
That's it.
You know about the nooks and crannies.
But this.
Greek Accountant Deals00:08:52
I got paranoid.
I got a little bit.
Son, did I tell you when I had to fire my Greek accountant?
No.
I didn't tell you this.
I had a Greek accountant.
I had a Greek accountant for a year.
I had a Greek accountant for a year.
Taking my fucking money and investing in yogurt companies and shit like that.
I had a Greek accountant.
I had $100,000 worth of fucking Faye.
Whatever that Greek yogurt company is.
Don't put my money in Dannon.
I had a Greek accountant.
Oh, fuck.
Okay?
I had to stop it.
I had to stop it.
I had to go get a business manager.
I had to come correct.
And now I have a deal on the line with Hooper.
What is this guy going to do?
I don't need him to be like, listen, we should be Christians about.
No.
No, we're not going to be Christians about this.
How'd that work out for Jesus, bruh?
He was trying to be reasonable.
Do you know what I mean?
He was trying to cut a deal.
And the other stuff's like, nah, we like things this way.
We not negotiated.
Anyway, pray for me.
All I'm saying is, Dak and them, they're not reading the fine print of these fucking deals.
Yeah.
I forgot what that might be.
My point is, they're not reading the fine print of these fucking deals.
Oh, my gosh.
So if you're not reading the fine print of these fucking deals, I honestly feel a lot of these guys, they just trust their agent.
Their agent just goes out there and says things that they don't even care about.
I think most of these players would play for less than the max.
Yeah.
And all you have to do is fucking give it to them.
Yeah.
The agent is creating all this pushback.
Just fucking offer it to him.
Yeah, but you can't trust a lot of these guys with their own money.
So you need them to have the agent.
Like the agent would get them a better deal than they would get on their own ever.
You're 100%.
So he's got to trust his agent.
But at a certain point, it's like, look, man, $30 million a year for you is plenty.
And I would let you go out in the open market and really see what you would get.
100%.
Really see.
100%.
You might get 30, but then even if you get there, you're not going to get the sponsorship you would get being the cowboy quarterback, which is what they tell these guys.
They don't really want to buy it.
But like, it's true.
You're the starting quarterback for the Cowboys.
You get a Campbell's Chunky Soup ad.
You get Pepsi sponsorship.
You the starting quarterback for the Bengals.
Don't nobody give a fuck.
Son, you are 100%.
But you can't even get a zoo deal out that bitch.
That's a Cincinnati joke.
Yo, for real?
That's a great fucking point.
You are the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys.
You can underpay by a minimum of, let's say, $5 million.
Yeah.
Because you can assume you'll get, I don't know if it's $5 million, whatever that number is.
You can assume you're going to get that in advertisements a year.
If I was Jerry Jones, I would be walking up and I'd be pitching that immediately.
Oh, they do.
They do.
They start buying it, but it's true.
Buy it.
Go play somewhere else and see what happens.
Or you say this, hey, we'll give you the 30.
We'll give you the 30.
But guess what?
You have to pay us anything.
Oh, here we go.
This is what we say.
We go, where's your other offer coming from?
Our offers coming from Cincinnati.
Be like, okay, here's the deal.
We will pay you what Cincinnati offers you, but you have to pay us back any money that you get in sponsorship that is over what the Cincinnati quarterback last year got in sponsorship.
The problem is that wouldn't go back towards the salary cap.
But yeah, if you're just looking at money, absolutely.
And then they'd be like, oh, because Jerry Jones is like, listen, I got you part of this conglomerate right here.
You're going to get all these fucking deals.
I'm not going to take none of that from the deals.
Those deals don't help me win.
It doesn't help at all?
Nah.
Nah, bro.
I think that's reasonable.
Dude, 100%.
It's a shitty thing to tell a player because owners already fuck the player so much, but like, $30 million a year, son, you good.
If you said no to 30, that's on you.
How do they fuck the players?
I'm tired of this narrative.
Well, if a player has a career-ending injury because it's game, whatever, then they pay your guaranteed, and that's it.
You don't get your contract.
Right.
NBA, you get your contract.
You have a career-ending injury, you still get paid.
Cool.
That's how it should be.
But NFL, they don't.
So I understand why the players are fighting, but like 30 million, dog.
That's a lot of money.
You Dak Prescott, you don't only have fucking 30 million.
You don't need it.
And their people are all saying, because they always just compare it to whatever the most recent guy get paid.
So they'll say Russell Wilson makes $35 million a year.
If you think you're anywhere near Russell Wilson, jump out of a fucking window.
Jeez, go, dog.
You're an idiot.
Get out of here.
Brus might be the most underappreciated quarterback.
He's so fucking good, man.
Yeah, in the NFL right now.
He's one of the best quarterbacks in the league.
I've been saying it since last year.
Yeah, you have to.
He's in that top tier.
He's singing his praises.
You've been singing his praises.
He is that good.
And I don't know why we don't give him any fucking credit for it.
I think because the first Super Bowl was mainly the defense, so we just decided he wasn't good anymore.
But he's great.
Yes.
Yeah, we always...
That is one of the things, one of the downfalls of having a dominant defense is it comes at the cost of the quarterback's reputation.
Yeah.
Right?
Like the Steelers.
Remember that old Steelers team where the guys...
Terry Bradshaw.
Terry Bradshaw.
Yeah.
Terry Bradshaw will never get the credit that maybe he deserves as a quarterback who won four fucking Super Bowls, mind you.
4-0.
Because of the steel curtain.
He is undefeated in Super Bowls.
And you know what?
Maybe he was a regular quarterback.
Or maybe they could be way more conservative with their quarterback play because they had this amazing defense.
They weren't worried about turning the ball over because they'd get it back.
So let's be conservative.
Maybe if he was on a team without such a good defense, he would have to throw that pill.
Yeah.
And we would find out who he really was.
Yeah.
That's what people say about Aikman in the 90s.
He didn't throw that much.
They're just trying to win.
We got the best running back in the league.
We got the best defense in the league.
Just get the job done.
And Aikman was like, I don't give a fuck.
I just want to win.
Let's do what it takes to win.
Wait a minute.
So Aikman, I remember Aikman as being, you know, the poster boy of concussions, but the NFL.
I mean, he was a little bit more.
He was great, but like his stats aren't crazy.
If you look back at the statistics, you're like, this is unimpressive.
Like 200-some yards a game, whatever.
Really?
Yeah, you got Emma Smith.
You're giving him 20 carries a game.
You got a great defense.
Make the plays when you need to make them.
He was good for sure, and he put up good numbers.
Also, we pass way more now pass interference.
The game has changed.
The game has changed.
So you look back, and people will look back at his numbers and be like, yeah, whatever.
He wasn't that good.
Nah, he was fucking great.
But he also knew what we need to do to win is not just, I sling it everywhere.
We got a great defense.
We got a great running back.
We can control the clock.
Let's go.
Yeah.
And you're going to get time to throw, too.
It's not like you're going to.
You got all day to throw.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did the Cowboys innovate football in that regard?
Tom Landry's Cowboys did more innovating than the Tom Landry Cowboys.
So Tom Landry, the 1970s Cowboys, Tom Landry was their first coach.
He had all these crazy things.
Like he had like a flex defense and he had.
Keep going.
He had all these things.
The GM, I think his name was Tech Shram.
I think that was a GM.
He had all these other game interventions, playing on Thanksgiving, having the sidelines be white so you could see where out of bounds was, like that big white, all these little things the Cowboys did then.
And the 90s Cowboys didn't change the game as much.
They were all about speed on defense.
I think that was the first I remember.
I just started watching football, but like, that's apparently they were the first ones that were like, that's all we care about.
Right.
And they did all these little drafting early on, all these like computers helping them figure out which player to draft and all that.
But that's, again, the 70s Cowboys.
Love.
It reminds me of a conversation we were having when we were in uh, in Dc, just innovation but um, but I love specialization, because I think specialization leads to innovation.
Like, if you're not the head coach right, but you are the punt return coat, whatever it is right you get to sit there and analyze every aspect of the game to give yourself a competitive advantage.
You know, when you're not wearing so many hats, you literally sit down and you're just like, okay, punt returns.
What is the major issue on punt returns?
It is uh, catching the football with enough room to blah blah, blah.
How do we create it?
Whatever it is, you just get to sit there and like, because you only got one thing in your plate, one thing on your plate and you have to figure out the best way to essentially do that.
And innovation is it?
Innovation always strikes me right.
It's like something i'm always thinking about, how can we change the game?
How can we make other things obsolete?
Like, what can we do to get competitive advantage right?
Time Travel Speed00:06:26
And um, we're in Dc right, and uh, Mark and I, Mark is a guy who opens for me on the road, he works with us, he cuts some content with us and uh, he comes in my bathtub.
Yeah, right.
So Mark and I went to the Air And Space Museum in Dc.
Have you been to that?
Yes, I mean, this place is phenomenal yeah yeah, it is it, Alex.
Alex went prior.
Yeah, but it was so cool to me it was.
It was one of those things where I was like man in another life.
Hmm, because you're really looking at the last frontier right, like there's nothing else to be discovered right, what is left to be discovered is space, much like the conquistadors yeah, what was left to be discovered was America, right.
Or what was left to be discovered was India, or what was left to be discovered is the rest of this world right, and um, we're sitting there and we're trying to like, understand space and just understand time and we're just kind of walking.
It kind of came to me this idea of like time travel and how, the way you, how time travel hasn't always been how do I go back in time right right, time travel.
We've been getting closer and closer to back in time through technology and innovation, right?
So initially it was, hey, I can only get from a to be by walking or running.
Okay, if you can increase my speed of getting from a to b.
That's essentially time travel.
Okay right, not time travel in terms of traveling back, but what you're doing is you're getting closer to traveling back because you're getting closer to being still okay right so, like so.
Let's just look at it on like a graph, almost like here I am going zero miles per hour okay, right.
Here I am going like 10 miles per hour.
Here I am going like 20 miles per hour right right, if i'm going 30 miles per hour, less time has transpired before I get to be okay from a right, right.
So, back in the day, to get from New York to California by walking yeah, months a year like, how do you like Oregon Trail?
That took like a fucking year right yeah, the plane gets invented right, That dumbass musician that's walking across the country.
Yeah.
What's his name?
Mike Posner.
Posner.
Mike Posner, yeah.
And so, like, if you fly from New York to California, you're there in the same day.
Right.
That's time travel.
Imagine telling that to someone back in the day who had spent a year, right?
Yeah.
There's a machine, and I will get you somewhere that used to take a year in the same day.
That is the same way we speak about teleporting.
Like, tell someone on the Oregon Trail that you could get them there in six hours.
That's teleportation.
Yeah.
Right?
So what we're doing is we're just getting closer and closer to teleportation.
Right.
Not time travel, teleportation.
Sure.
Okay.
And basically on the other side of teleportation is time travel.
Okay.
I got you.
Right?
So it's like we first have to stop time before we can go back.
Oh, shit.
That's what I'm trying to say, right?
I think we're getting closer.
Yes.
And if you look at every movie, right?
Movies often show the ideas that we have, but we can't explain.
So I don't know how to time travel, but what I'll do is freeze somebody like Cap and Marvel or like Demolition Man.
I'll freeze someone and then they'll exist in the future.
Right.
So that's how I'll be there.
Right.
Right?
Because I can't time travel yet, but what are the ways I can get around that system?
So like when you do the teleportation thing, or at least when you get closer and closer to it, planes have gotten faster.
So we're getting closer.
Eventually, we're going to have teleportation.
And the closest thing we have to that is that fucking monorail shit that Musk was building.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was like a magnetic strip that allowed you to go like thousands of miles per hour or something like that.
LA Didn't you work in like 90 minutes or something crazy like that?
And like, think about that.
That's insane.
Like, if you describe that to me and you, in our childhood, we would say that's virtually time travel.
Yeah, or teleportation.
Or teleportation.
And then time travel is just on the other side.
Right?
So it's like, we're getting close to that.
I would not be surprised if in our fucking lifetime, you will see not teleportation, but a way of transporting something so fast that it didn't disappear and reappear, but it traveled on track or something.
Yeah.
But it traveled so fast that it just almost was disappear, reappear.
I know that sounds crazy.
Could be.
Right?
The speed at which shit is going is mind-blowing right now.
Right?
Yeah.
Like, look how fast the internet has changed.
Remember when we would first upload something two years ago?
Imagine upload speed on YouTube two years ago, Alex.
To upload speed from your crib right now with your super.
Yeah.
It's not shocking to me that we'll be in time travel or at least hold time still mode.
Right.
Crazy shit, right?
Oh, I'm telling you, it's all going at a speed that's like alarmingly fast.
So it's like, knowing that, we got to start thinking beyond this like basic shit that we're operating in.
I think that's the only way to innovate is we have to think beyond where we're going.
Like instead of improving the things that we have right now, we have to think about what is past the things we have right now.
I think that's the only way to innovate in the industry.
What is past it?
Like, like when we talked about what Al Tucker was talking about, but when he talked about Philly, like they monitored everybody's heart rate and everything like that, and they found the best play to call when everybody was this tired and all that kind of data crunching shit like that.
Like that's how we got to be thinking.
That's what we think about podcasting, stand-up.
That's what we got to think about every single thing.
What are we doing that isn't even done yet?
How do we make shit obsolete?
How do we make you look at a podcast the way we're doing it right now and be like, oh, y'all are still doing it?
I say, oh.
Slave Proposition Data00:14:25
Speaking of Al Tucker, we were in a taxi, me and Mark.
What the fuck was that?
So he has an ad that pops up in New York City taxis.
It's just a picture of him.
He's like, should I change my profile picture?
Yes or no?
And then it says, text this number, yes or no.
Data collection.
Wow.
So he's just doing straight data mining.
Straight data mining in every cab in New York City.
Yeah, he's not stupid.
Crazy.
He's not stupid.
And it's like a big picture of his face.
Like, it's a little silly.
So it's like most people, like, it caught my attention.
Yeah.
And I'm like, smart.
Smart.
But then again, you have a data list of a bunch of fucking idiots that are willing to comment on a picture.
Still, that's more valuable.
It's valuable.
They say now data is more valuable than oil.
I don't know how the fuck you measure that, but.
Because we're going to run out of oil.
We're not going to run out of people.
That's true.
Or we're going to transition from oil to some other shit.
We ain't going to transition out of people.
Yo, did y'all hear that Trump is trying to buy Greenland?
No, that'd be so good.
That's the most boss move.
Son, that's not the most boss move, son.
That's so stupid.
I fucking love it, dude.
And I was telling Alex, like, it's been a long time since like white people, we bought people.
So we're like getting antsy.
You know what I mean?
So it's like, and I think that's the move.
He's like, where are there people that no one gives a fuck about?
They're like insignificant.
Greenland, 50,000 people.
50,000.
And you're buying whites, bro?
Pure whites.
Pure white, full-grown white stuff.
Pure-blood white.
Pure-blooded white.
That's like a blue-nosed pit bull in the hood, bro.
Dog.
You guys, as a black man in America, you don't want your tax dollars to go to buying white people.
Let's be honest.
That'd be ill, dog.
Let that be reparations.
What if we let black people do whatever they want with the Greenlanders?
Now you're talking.
Now you're talking.
We buy Greenland, and instead of 50 acres in a mule, you get 50,000.
What?
Do whatever you want.
That's all right.
You get your own personal white slave to make you fucking lattes or whatever it is they do.
Bro, you can bring them wherever y'all want, make them milly rock against each other, laugh at them, put them up on WorldStar.
Yeah, you got all the good brunch spots.
Dog.
No, we would just make Greenland Atlanta, and they would be our Mexicans.
What?
Wait, you're going to go all the way to Greenland to be gay?
That'd be gay.
But just make it Africa.
Just be like, all right, we over there.
Y'all can't handle cold, bro.
Let's be honest with you.
You're not going to go over there with that cold shit.
We're trying to bring you pure white blood slaves for all black people in America.
That's a good cold sentence, right?
What?
It's like having your own Targaryen, son.
Real talk, bro.
Think about this, Al.
Think about this.
What would you have a white slave do out?
He's so good at shit.
Besides having dipping the fucking story.
Dude, what would you do?
You get your own white slave.
Okay.
Okay?
What would you name it?
Yeah, you get to make it.
There'd be a lot of mixed kids running around in future generations blaming Alex.
What would you name?
You get a white slave.
We deliver.
We deliver you a white slave.
Oh, my God.
They're delivered by white people, too.
It's an apology.
It comes with, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Here you go.
I'm sorry.
They come in a beautiful wooden box.
Okay?
Why wooden?
Huh?
Why wooden?
Well, while we're fucking up the environment, we might as well just fuck it all up.
You know what I'm saying?
We deliver your white in a box, open it up.
Upon opening up, you get to name it.
First name.
She got one of these, like he or she.
It could be male or she.
Yeah, stupid ass European name.
And you're like, nah, I can't pronounce it.
Yeah, Bjordiken Bordigan.
I don't want none of that shit.
Give it a name.
What do you want it to?
Oh, man.
It is a man.
What about Wango?
It's white Django.
Spelled with a J. You leave him on the front.
Okay, go.
What do you want?
Yeah.
Yo, you know what I would call my white slave if I was back?
If I was black?
What?
I would call it Payblack.
Like, Payback?
But it's Payblack.
Payback is a bitch.
It would be the whole sentence.
Payback is a bitch.
Come over here, Toma Timberland.
Dude, I'm so supportive of this.
Make Greenland white slaves.
Give them to black people.
That'd be making America great again.
So, would that not make America great again?
Yo, think about the people who want to make America great again.
What do they really just want?
What do they want?
Wait, is that what they want?
Yeah, it is.
Well, then why are they kicking out the Mexican?
Bro, that got the best thing.
Isn't it way better to just have minimum wage than you don't have to feel like a slave owner?
Like, that's way better than slavery.
You get to feel like a good person and you're paying almost a slave wage.
This is the best case scenario for everybody.
It's none of the business owners that have those minimum wage people that want to kick about.
Facts.
It's none of them.
You're right.
Yeah.
Okay, back to the slave proposition.
White slaves.
You get your own white slave.
Would you buy more than one or just you get one for free?
And then there's going to be an open market for purchase.
Son, think of how much a white woman would go for on the fucking auctions.
Oh, crazy, dog.
Are you kidding me?
Every ugly minority on earth would be trampling each other to go pay top dollars for a nice purebred white slave unblogged.
She has not written a blog in her fucking life.
She don't mind GMLs.
No Twitter, nothing.
They don't get access to shit.
No opinions.
You get them early.
You can't pay for them in U.S. dollars, though, because that is illegal.
You can't buy slaves on the U.S.
So you got to pay for them in like black cultural things.
Like four Popeye chicken sandwiches for one Penelope.
That's how it goes.
That's steep.
That's a steep price right there.
Nah, you would give him at least 12 Dallas BBQs.
Margaritas.
At least.
Son, Alex.
Alec, Alex really considering this shit.
You might have convinced me.
Can I get one Popeye chicken sandwich?
One Pope Potato Sandwich.
One Pope Peter Sanders.
Going once going down.
I got two Popeyes there with two Pope Potatoes Day Legion.
Jordan's not Leeway.
Give me four Jones a little bit.
Four Jones on Limit.
Does anybody have a white Toyota Corolla?
Does anybody have a white Toyota Corolla?
Damn, I have a white Jericho Corolla, missing one up captive.
They have a white torch, missing one hubcap.
Go at once.
Go in once.
Go in twice.
I got a white jerk twice.
Does anybody have it?
Does anybody have it, dude?
I haven't been once in 2006.
Closet throws over.
Closet throw.
I got claws.
Every bootleg DVD you want.
I got a bootleg DVD and a bootleg DVD.
Go in once.
Can anybody beat a bootleg DVD?
Can anybody beat a bootleg DVD?
Can anybody get going once going twice?
Can anybody be able to believe me?
Can anybody beat the Bulletin?
Going once.
Alex contribute.
Can anybody beat a blue lady?
Can anybody beat my blue lady?
Go in once.
Go in twice.
Go in three times.
Can anybody beat a blue lady?
Can anybody beat a blue lady?
Can anybody beat him a blue lemon?
Never get a mixtapes collection.
Going once.
Going twice.
This is sexy.
Going!
Alex!
Three times!
I got off white Jordans.
That's more of a Caucasian thing.
I'm going to be honest.
Are you trying to say black people can't afford off-white Jordans?
I didn't go there.
I just think they don't care about it as much.
That's a hipster sneaker.
I said mixtapes.
I was out.
No, we are.
We're fucking so close.
Wait, so Alex, how many slaves would you?
I'd be cool at one.
Or maybe two.
Like two guys, and I'd like force them to butt fuck each other.
Alex.
It's going to be real.
He's going to be sitting there.
He's going to be sitting there with his Birkenstocks on.
Eating that Popeye's fried chicken sandwich.
Chuckling.
Eating some sunflower seeds.
Just going, no homo.
Yo, pause.
12 pitches of strawberry lemonade.
That's it.
That shit would have been it, bro.
We needed that.
Fuck.
Damn, sense.
Damn, change.
All right.
What would you make the white slaves grow for you?
Grow?
Yeah, like if you were having white slaves work a plantation, what would they be growing for you?
Son.
They can't grow shit.
Like, kale, maybe?
What do you guys eat?
What do you guys?
No, but you guys need us to grow shit.
They grow anything you want.
They can have a chicken farm.
White people, we can grow things.
What can you grow?
You grow vegetables for vegetable oil that you fry the chickens in?
We could grow resentment for upward mobility of minorities in America.
We could grow that real good, you know?
That's good.
Damn, son.
Y'all so lucky y'all about to get your white slaves, bro.
That's nice.
Yo, I feel like Ankash is actually mad that he's not going to get his white slaves.
Nah, bro, I'm good.
I would be happy to see black people voting for Trump so they can have more white slaves, though.
Imagine.
Oh, my God.
If you were to have a slave, Ankash.
Go on.
Funny you ask.
If you were to have a slave, Ankash.
Bakhta.
I was going to ask, how Pakistani would he be?
Oh, the most, though.
The most.
The most.
You think that they would make the best?
No.
I think they'd make my favorite.
Oh, man.
They'd actually be terrible slaves.
Always having fucking pray seven times a day, crouching in a corner.
God, that's an excellent point.
Wearing all them hot-ass clothes, bro.
Get out of here, son.
Seven point.
Nice ass haircuts, though.
Okay.
I would like to know, Eden.
What?
No, you don't get to have slaves, bro.
You're not even legal here, bro.
You need to be an American before you can have some slaves, dog.
Come on now.
Come on now.
One of the Mexicans got mad because slaves were taking all their jobs.
Kicking her girl today's a very depressing day for me.
I love my dog a haybob boy because it pinches a slave that Greenland coming taking my yo.
I was a haybob boy for so long and ending the fucking climate thing coming and making melting all the Greenland.
And now they hear the haybot boy working for free.
How you working for free?
I wish the world didn't melting.
The world melting and now I have no yellow now.
I'm no hatebook boy.
Now I'm no regular butt boy.
Now I'm nobody.
I walk you all the way to this country for nothing now.
I wish I could be a slave like he.
He slave taking all the good job.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Now what are you going to do?
Oh my God.
What are you going to do?
Are you going to sit outside a bodega drinking corona?
Guys, are we off the rails yet or what?
Oh man.
We're off the rails.
How long we've been doing that, Ed?
About two hours.
Oh my goodness.
We have to wrap this up, Akash.
Oh my God, I have to also pay another bill.
Oh my God, so many things are happening.
Oh man.
I think I'd make my slave go to the hood and just walk up to people saying the N-word.
Oh wow.
Alex ready for this.
Alex the most ready.
Whoa.
Right?
That'd be good.
You just went out of the caprio and Django.
Yo, all you got to do is ask somebody like what they would do with their slave to completely understand slave art.
Like it took Alex one minute before he was just trying to get his slave's ass kicked.
But then you got to pay for your slave to be like better so he could do your slave shit.
Nah.
Why?
Well, you don't want your slave to be injured because then he can't do your slave stuff.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
You actually want your slave to be healthy.
That's right.
I didn't think that fun.
You know, you got to pay your slaves health care.
For their slaves.
Yeah.
You want to get work out of your slave, right?
Your slave isn't just like your buddy, right?
You want them working.
That's where Walk It Off came from.
That was the first healthcare for black people.
Wifey Healthcare News00:01:08
That's so funny.
That's the flagrant thought of the week.
Oh, my God, son.
Walking off was the first healthcare.
Oh, shit.
Anyway, y'all, we're going to insert that ad earlier.
You guys will notice it because there'll be a little interruption in this lovely dialogue.
But we're also going to talk about some dates and stuff earlier.
But, well, you already know that because you've reached the end of this episode.
It got really crazy.
It got off the rails.
It got flagrant because that's exactly what the fuck we do.
But we appreciate y'all so much, man.
Obviously, thoughts and prayers out to the man Kaz.
Congratulations out to the man Akash and Wifey or soon to be wifey.
Things are happening.
Good things in the air.
I'm very excited.
We're all very excited.
Can't wait to share some news with y'all.
But just know good things are cooking out in the atmosphere of flagrancy.