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June 28, 2019 - Flagrant - Andrew Schulz & Akaash Singh
15:43
Allergies Are Just Being A Woman
# social justice lawyers roy wood jr pollen allergy akash allergies andrew chivalry comedy cuddling foot to foot contact grip strength inside jokes intimate relationships jackknife position paul verhoeven physical limitations

Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh dissect Andrew's weak grip strength, joking about "blade serum" hand grippers and sexual dynamics before pivoting to Andrew's severe pollen allergy. They debate chivalry, questioning if helping women open doors stems from pragmatism or the stereotype that women are merely "just being a woman" when sick. The hosts contrast this with Andrew's jackknife sleeping position for safety and emphasize foot-to-foot contact as true affection, ultimately promoting their Patreon episode featuring Roy Wood Jr.'s Inside Jokes bit on Paul Verhoeven while mocking potential social justice lawyer interference. [Automatically generated summary]

Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Dainty Hands and Blistered Palms 00:13:05
I can't.
That shit be difficult, bro.
He'll be fucking with you.
Yeah, you notice that with me?
Son, I do.
Like, his hands are just like dainty.
What do you mean?
Like, grip?
Yo, I'll be feeling like such a fucking cuck, bro.
But you can throw punches.
Yeah, but it's different.
Like, like, tightening.
Like, your palms are weak?
Yeah, like, if I need to tighten something.
Like, I got to ask Al, do that shit to me sometimes, bro.
That's just mad embarrassing.
Embarrassing, son.
Get the grip shit.
Are we recording this?
Yeah, get the grip.
I don't know, man.
I can't be one of them workout dudes walking around with that grip shit all day.
That's motherfuckers that beat their wives and they're trying to get off it.
Let me tell you something.
That's the blade serum for beating your wife.
Let me tell you, you know how you like, you just need to get the aggression out of your system.
You just like, it's just like, you, it's like, it's, it's, what it does is like, it makes a fist, but it pushes it out.
And that's what you got to like remember next time you're about to ball that fist up to just beat your wife.
It's just, you just remember that little thing you squeeze on to like push your hand out.
Keep it open-handed.
Speaking of hands, this guy had the fucking Adam's family hand.
Oh, no, that's not.
I didn't even mean that shit.
That shit was hilarious.
Bro, did y'all?
You showed me, I think, okay.
Did you see it because people were commenting?
Yeah, yeah.
Because I saw the comments at like 939, Andrew's hands.
Yeah, because y'all make fun of my weak ass hands.
I was trying to work them shits out so I opened some goddamn jars.
You know how embarrassing that shit is, bro?
What is it?
What do you have to help me with?
It's like everything.
No, no, but there was a specific thing that I couldn't do, and it was very embarrassing.
Tightening this.
Tighten this, but I got better at that.
I just got to use both hands.
Yo, this one right here, I got to come around and get it.
You got to get torture.
I got to put tendons in.
It's like Thai massage.
You got to use your weight.
You got to use gravity.
You know what I'm talking about?
Yo, son, there was a specific thing.
I don't remember what that shit is.
But like, Alex needed to, like, I was really, oh, that's what it was.
It was the scooter.
I was trying to adjust the seat.
No, it was bikes.
I think we rented bikes.
And I was trying to adjust the seat.
You know how like you spin it and then push it.
Shit.
It's like a different bikes and not say nothing and just leave that bitch part.
I just looked at him and felt bad.
I was like, I got it, dog.
Because I try.
My thumb comes out.
I see him.
Look at my thumb.
It goes out.
Look at that.
So if I push down.
Like, this guy keeps going.
You're going to get a blister and shit.
Then we'll never hear the end of him having a blister.
I do get blisters easy, actually.
That's funny that you notice that.
Like if I exercise and shit.
Anyway, what's up?
Welcome to Flagrant 2 No Easy Buckets Analysis by Asshole Water Cooler Commentary for your sports knees.
It's the Patreon episode.
Our boy Real Life Kaz is not with us today.
He got some family stuff.
So we're making sure that everything's good with him.
Wishing him well, wishing the fam well.
You guys put him in your wishes as well.
But now let's get back to the show.
I had like a fucking revelation today, Akash.
What's up?
Son, I got pollen, bro.
It's called allergy.
I got allergies, bro.
I got.
It's not STD, son.
I've been diagnosed with pollen.
You said I got pollen.
No, I said the pollen's high.
That's what's making.
Oh, okay.
So the pollen.
All right.
Basically, last night I ate a lot of Mexican food.
Right.
And my throat was mad dry.
So I'm thinking the Mexican food was salty or some shit like that.
I'm thinking where maybe I had some sort of allergy.
Right.
Right.
I had two margaritas, salted rim.
Salt on the rim.
Yeah.
Right.
My throat was mad dry.
I kept drinking water dry, I showed up to World Idiots.
Al, you are looking like shit.
You look horrible.
You look like dog shit.
That's everything.
Not every day.
Not when we hit the road.
Oh, yeah.
You get that shape up before you hit the road.
Yeah, Alex don't like it if he don't get that shape up.
Really?
Oh, he goes on a plane fly.
Planes like church for black people.
It might be my one time they see me, so I got to represent black people well.
True.
We went to some white places.
We have some places that don't have black people.
Indianapolis.
Let me tell you something about a farm.
White people who don't know black people, they never notice a clean shape-up.
Tell you that right now.
I'll save you $30 a week.
If you don't know black people, you never know when they need a haircut.
You know what?
I got to switch sides.
I got to go with Akash on this one.
He commits me to the bottom.
Yeah, I think I'm going to Akash on that one.
I think that white people just assume that's how black people look.
Yeah, straight up.
You just look clean shaven and your haircuts just look short.
Sorry, hairlines are just like boxed.
Son, like the Android.
Or like, what is that?
Android commercial?
With the two, the twins that you fucking hated.
Remember the Puerto Rican twins that were doing some Samsung commercial and you fucking hated them?
Yeah, I think they bring you fucking.
Andrew violently hated these twins.
Why are they hating on them so hard?
I don't know.
You were like, I can't figure out, but I fucking hate these dudes.
And I remember you tweeted it.
We were at a hotel doing a show somewhere.
And mad people were like, yo, I fucking hate those guys.
The ones doing all that shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a stupid ass move.
Whatever.
We haven't changed this move yet.
This is every break dance is just like that.
It's like the new this shit.
You know what I mean?
Rock back and forth.
Is that the Superman?
That whole.
No, that's when black people, like when they start break dancing or break dancers, they take that like step back and sway.
The setup steps.
The setup steps.
That's the new setup steps is this shit.
Hold on, black people break dance?
Nah, Asians.
That's an Asian art form.
Yeah, they took it from us.
They really did.
Because they're nice.
All right.
So, son, so back to my pollen.
So he tells me that the pollen count is really high.
That's why I thought I had pollen.
Yeah.
And that's why I've had dry throat.
My whole life, I thought that I get a cold every once in a while and I have dry throat.
My whole life until today, that's allergies.
Because allergies for me, when other people had them, was your eyes are watery and your nose is.
You don't get that.
You just get a dry throat.
Dry throat.
That's a great allergy.
Ain't nothing wrong with that.
What?
What's the big deal?
I've been drinking gallons of water and it don't change.
That don't sound that bad, to be honest.
I guess you're right.
It's just a dry throat.
I wish that was all.
Suck some dick.
It'll probably lub it right.
Damn, sorry about that.
Yeah, you get the whole thing.
You get allergies.
James.
See, I think I just got pollen.
I think you guys got allergies.
I think it's called pollen when you have just dry throat.
You got the pollen?
I got pollen throat.
You got pollen.
Just lubricate the vocal cords.
Yeah, but you know, he's never considered this his entire life.
I thought I had a crazy thing.
Oh, yeah, this happens to him.
People talk about allergies all the time.
Yeah, but Andrew don't think shit like that affects him.
Ah, that's true.
I mean, it never occurs to him that some negative shit like that.
That's like bitch shit to him.
Like, he probably didn't realize he had a weak grip until you start like, I mean, he probably just thought something was wrong with the seat.
Son, that was demoralizing.
Do you know what it's like to be trying to get some shit open and then got to go, hey, Al, son, I know what all of it is like.
Look at me.
Ain't nothing.
I don't know what it's like, son, but I got bravado.
I could do anything.
Dude, you lean into your bitch shit.
I'm rocking.
I'm Superman.
I know I'm 6'2.
I got big hands.
I should be able to open shit.
I gotta go like this.
I gotta go.
Hey, Al, Al, come here for a second.
And then he's gonna say real loud in front of other people trying to get the bikes out, like, oh, you need help with your seat?
You didn't even fix your seat?
Like, I'm five years old.
I can't fix my motherfucking seat, bro.
The guy fixing my seat.
Is this okay, Height?
Like, I'm his bitch and shit, bro.
I'm not your bitch, Al.
Al, don't be adjusting my seat like that.
I know how to treat a lady, so yo, real talk, chivalry.
Can we talk about chivalry?
Yeah.
Because I was thinking about some chivalry, bro.
Yeah.
Because I struggle with this door.
I've been, I think I need to get back in the gym.
Son, I gosh, it was a wind tunnel or something.
I struggle with the sun.
I pushed with my hands and I moved.
Yo, do you know that?
Do you know that scene in the movie where like both cartoons throw the fireball at each other and the fireballs are competing?
That door was bodying me.
That door had to be.
Yeah, it had the blue fireball.
My feet were sliding.
Bro, I had to put my shoulder into the door.
Yeah, yeah, that's the move.
You just lean more shoulder onto it right there.
Good money.
I'm just saying, I think chivalry was pragmatic.
Yeah.
It's not trying to get, it's not like, oh, you're just trying to get pussy.
Yeah.
It's like, if I couldn't open that door, there's no way women could open that door.
Right.
So we probably had to open doors for you.
Yeah, But it wasn't like we're trying to get laid.
It's like we were trying to go to work.
We were trying to leave the house, you know?
Yeah, bitch, you can't just get out of the way.
It's the way sounds.
They didn't have hollow doors until it's Alex with the bike seat.
Exactly.
He wasn't trying to fuck.
He was trying to take a ride on a bike.
I mean, speak for yourself.
He was trying to fuck.
Wait, but do you know what I'm saying, though?
Like, you think that's how gators decide who's top and who's bottom?
Like, the second you got to adjust some shit for your man, you're like, all right, I'm fucking him.
That's how that works.
So you're saying I would be a bottom based on my hands.
Based on that.
Yeah, but who would want me to jerk them off?
You got nice soft hands, bro.
I got soft hands, but I don't have enough grip for that traction.
I might as be slopping right off of it.
Just slide right off.
You're trying to like scrape off skin.
Yeah, son.
Like, it's supposed to be a nice thing.
You want a smooth ride, dog?
I got a pedicure.
You got good ear tire hands, son.
Shit is all traction.
So I got this pedicure yesterday.
No, I'm getting a pedicure.
Right.
I had a very feminine week.
I got pollen.
I got pedicures.
Pollock is feminine.
Yeah.
Ain't it?
Just makes you a girl, right?
Crying for no reason.
Your nose hurts.
Thirsty.
Phoenixes.
Yeah, you're just a girl.
That's all allergies is, is you become a woman.
Right?
You never know if a bitch got allergies, right?
You're like, you're just being you.
But you just being you though.
You complaining that it's cold everywhere.
I mean, they have a blanket.
Yo, what did girls do before blankets, real talk?
I don't fucking know.
How y'all even made it this far in human evolution?
You're always cold.
They just got fucked.
That's why they're going to stay warm.
Just keep watching.
Yo, that's yo, we should have never made jackets.
You know how loyal women were back in the day when the only way they were warm is when we came back.
Like, you just had to be cold all day, keeping yourself busy.
Like, let's pick some berries, I guess.
We can't just sit here and be freezing.
Right?
And then the dude came back.
You're like, finally, room temp.
Right?
Like, they needed us.
Now they don't need us.
That's the only reason they want to cuddle.
That's the only reason.
And we warm, so that shit gets hot after a while.
Bro, it's so hot.
That shit is whack.
You don't like cuddling now?
No.
I like it on a timer.
Hold up.
Hold up.
You're going to adjust my seat.
I think I ain't going to get some cuddles out of you.
What the fuck is this guy thinking is?
What's on that big ass chest for?
Andrew's head.
You got it for, motherfucker.
Just rest in between my bosom.
Right.
That's why you do have fucking pull-ups.
Wait, you don't cuddle at all?
I love cuddling on a timer.
Like, after about 30 minutes, it's like, look.
30's a lot.
Bro.
That's a lot.
Yeah, I try to sleep through it, but at a certain point, my girl knows now.
She just gets up, and then whenever it's time, like she knows I need to sleep.
Do you like it?
I'll slide out, or I'll be like, oh, I'll just wake her up sometimes and be like, hey, baby, I can't do that.
I need to breathe again.
It rolls over, and then we're good.
then everything's fine we're good yeah But I love it at first.
I love it at first.
I'm not going to front.
If I push them, I go right into Jackknife.
Oh, you go jackknife.
Yup.
Keep that knee out.
That's a barrier.
I literally, I sleep like this, fam.
Like that.
Jesus, Heisman, fuck off me.
And if they try to roll back, they're rolling right on my knee, bro, right on my meniscus.
But then when they put their leg on top of yours, now you trap.
I could deal with one leg.
You can deal with one leg.
I can deal with one leg on top of me.
And low-key, sometimes if I really like them.
Yeah.
You ready for me to get super vulnerable today?
Yeah, let's do it.
If I really like them, I'll touch my feet against their feet.
Oh, that's high.
That's a high.
Yo, if your man don't rub feet, you don't give a fuck about that.
You pussy ain't shit.
Pussy ain't shit if we're not touching feet.
Bro, that's how you know you got good pussy.
Yo, put your feet against your man's feet.
He pushes, like, your foot is this one because you're shorter.
Vulnerable Feet and Meniscus Pain 00:02:29
Yeah.
And his foot's that one.
If he pushes his foot back up against your foot.
I love you.
That's the most important cuddle.
You got some sunshine.
Yo.
You got some sunshine between your legs.
Yo, you know how, like, all right, this is a joke that never works.
And then we'll start talking about some sports soon, hopefully.
But like, and I can't get this to work, but I'll share with the patrons.
You know how women talk about how they want the thigh gap?
Yeah.
It's idiotic.
It is stupid, right?
But like girls that get their clits cut off technically probably have to.
Right?
But I can't get that shit to work, bro.
Oh, my God.
I wonder why.
Dude, we did an episode of Inside Jokes.
Akash, Roy Wood Jr.
Oh, did we talk about this on regular pod?
No, because we did.
That's right.
And Paul Verzee, y'all know Paul, he was on this, on a podcast.
And it was so funny, yo.
We took a Roy Wood joke, and then we just found the funniest fucking thing I've heard in years.
Son.
It was in fucking sane.
Like, his joke wasn't that offensive.
No.
But we went there.
Did we not go there?
We went in graphically.
It's a beautiful joke now.
Paul's fucking does that.
Oh, my God.
That was so funny.
We got to drop that suit.
We got to drop this suit.
That's so fucked, bro.
Yeah, dude.
Anyway.
I want to tell y'all that y'all could just watch it.
It's funnier if you see it.
Yeah, you got to see how...
This is what happens sometimes.
But like, did you notice like if a premise of a joke is good, like, we'll attack like piranhas.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, like chumming the water.
It's chumming the water.
So like he threw the threw the premise in the water.
Everybody was hype.
He didn't even finish the bit.
No, we were just.
Yo, it was it.
And it was just one after another.
It was like hot potato.
What is that?
Sweet potato?
Hot potato.
Hot potato.
What's sweet potato?
That's when black people play it.
Yo, what's up?
This is Akash.
That was a preview of our Patreon episode.
If you want the full thing, go to www.patreon.com slash flagrant2.
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