Flagrant - Andrew Schulz & Akaash Singh - Allergies Are Just Being A Woman
Aired: 2019-06-28
Duration: 15:43


=== Dainty Hands and Blistered Palms (13:05) ===

[00:00:08]  I can't.
[00:00:09]  That shit be difficult, bro.
[00:00:10]  He'll be fucking with you.
[00:00:11]  Yeah, you notice that with me?
[00:00:13]  Son, I do.
[00:00:14]  Like, his hands are just like dainty.
[00:00:16]  What do you mean?
[00:00:16]  Like, grip?
[00:00:16]  Yo, I'll be feeling like such a fucking cuck, bro.
[00:00:19]  But you can throw punches.
[00:00:20]  Yeah, but it's different.
[00:00:21]  Like, like, tightening.
[00:00:24]  Like, your palms are weak?
[00:00:25]  Yeah, like, if I need to tighten something.
[00:00:27]  Like, I got to ask Al, do that shit to me sometimes, bro.
[00:00:30]  That's just mad embarrassing.
[00:00:31]  Embarrassing, son.
[00:00:34]  Get the grip shit.
[00:00:34]  Are we recording this?
[00:00:35]  Yeah, get the grip.
[00:00:37]  I don't know, man.
[00:00:38]  I can't be one of them workout dudes walking around with that grip shit all day.
[00:00:43]  That's motherfuckers that beat their wives and they're trying to get off it.
[00:00:46]  Let me tell you something.
[00:00:47]  That's the blade serum for beating your wife.
[00:00:48]  Let me tell you, you know how you like, you just need to get the aggression out of your system.
[00:00:53]  You just like, it's just like, you, it's like, it's, it's, what it does is like, it makes a fist, but it pushes it out.
[00:01:00]  And that's what you got to like remember next time you're about to ball that fist up to just beat your wife.
[00:01:04]  It's just, you just remember that little thing you squeeze on to like push your hand out.
[00:01:08]  Keep it open-handed.
[00:01:09]  Speaking of hands, this guy had the fucking Adam's family hand.
[00:01:14]  Oh, no, that's not.
[00:01:16]  I didn't even mean that shit.
[00:01:17]  That shit was hilarious.
[00:01:19]  Bro, did y'all?
[00:01:20]  You showed me, I think, okay.
[00:01:22]  Did you see it because people were commenting?
[00:01:24]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:01:24]  Because I saw the comments at like 939, Andrew's hands.
[00:01:27]  Yeah, because y'all make fun of my weak ass hands.
[00:01:28]  I was trying to work them shits out so I opened some goddamn jars.
[00:01:31]  You know how embarrassing that shit is, bro?
[00:01:34]  What is it?
[00:01:34]  What do you have to help me with?
[00:01:36]  It's like everything.
[00:01:37]  No, no, but there was a specific thing that I couldn't do, and it was very embarrassing.
[00:01:40]  Tightening this.
[00:01:41]  Tighten this, but I got better at that.
[00:01:42]  I just got to use both hands.
[00:01:45]  Yo, this one right here, I got to come around and get it.
[00:01:48]  You got to get torture.
[00:01:50]  I got to put tendons in.
[00:01:51]  It's like Thai massage.
[00:01:52]  You got to use your weight.
[00:01:53]  You got to use gravity.
[00:01:54]  You know what I'm talking about?
[00:01:56]  Yo, son, there was a specific thing.
[00:01:58]  I don't remember what that shit is.
[00:02:00]  But like, Alex needed to, like, I was really, oh, that's what it was.
[00:02:04]  It was the scooter.
[00:02:06]  I was trying to adjust the seat.
[00:02:08]  No, it was bikes.
[00:02:09]  I think we rented bikes.
[00:02:10]  And I was trying to adjust the seat.
[00:02:12]  You know how like you spin it and then push it.
[00:02:13]  Shit.
[00:02:13]  It's like a different bikes and not say nothing and just leave that bitch part.
[00:02:17]  I just looked at him and felt bad.
[00:02:18]  I was like, I got it, dog.
[00:02:21]  Because I try.
[00:02:22]  My thumb comes out.
[00:02:23]  I see him.
[00:02:24]  Look at my thumb.
[00:02:25]  It goes out.
[00:02:26]  Look at that.
[00:02:27]  So if I push down.
[00:02:28]  Like, this guy keeps going.
[00:02:29]  You're going to get a blister and shit.
[00:02:30]  Then we'll never hear the end of him having a blister.
[00:02:34]  I do get blisters easy, actually.
[00:02:36]  That's funny that you notice that.
[00:02:37]  Like if I exercise and shit.
[00:02:39]  Anyway, what's up?
[00:02:40]  Welcome to Flagrant 2 No Easy Buckets Analysis by Asshole Water Cooler Commentary for your sports knees.
[00:02:45]  It's the Patreon episode.
[00:02:46]  Our boy Real Life Kaz is not with us today.
[00:02:50]  He got some family stuff.
[00:02:52]  So we're making sure that everything's good with him.
[00:02:54]  Wishing him well, wishing the fam well.
[00:02:57]  You guys put him in your wishes as well.
[00:03:00]  But now let's get back to the show.
[00:03:04]  I had like a fucking revelation today, Akash.
[00:03:07]  What's up?
[00:03:09]  Son, I got pollen, bro.
[00:03:13]  It's called allergy.
[00:03:14]  I got allergies, bro.
[00:03:20]  I got.
[00:03:20]  It's not STD, son.
[00:03:23]  I've been diagnosed with pollen.
[00:03:25]  You said I got pollen.
[00:03:26]  No, I said the pollen's high.
[00:03:27]  That's what's making.
[00:03:29]  Oh, okay.
[00:03:30]  So the pollen.
[00:03:31]  All right.
[00:03:32]  Basically, last night I ate a lot of Mexican food.
[00:03:35]  Right.
[00:03:35]  And my throat was mad dry.
[00:03:39]  So I'm thinking the Mexican food was salty or some shit like that.
[00:03:44]  I'm thinking where maybe I had some sort of allergy.
[00:03:46]  Right.
[00:03:46]  Right.
[00:03:47]  I had two margaritas, salted rim.
[00:03:49]  Salt on the rim.
[00:03:50]  Yeah.
[00:03:50]  Right.
[00:03:52]  My throat was mad dry.
[00:03:52]  I kept drinking water dry, I showed up to World Idiots.
[00:03:58]  Al, you are looking like shit.
[00:04:00]  You look horrible.
[00:04:01]  You look like dog shit.
[00:04:02]  That's everything.
[00:04:03]  Not every day.
[00:04:04]  Not when we hit the road.
[00:04:06]  Oh, yeah.
[00:04:06]  You get that shape up before you hit the road.
[00:04:08]  Yeah, Alex don't like it if he don't get that shape up.
[00:04:10]  Really?
[00:04:10]  Oh, he goes on a plane fly.
[00:04:12]  Planes like church for black people.
[00:04:14]  It might be my one time they see me, so I got to represent black people well.
[00:04:17]  True.
[00:04:18]  We went to some white places.
[00:04:19]  We have some places that don't have black people.
[00:04:21]  Indianapolis.
[00:04:22]  Let me tell you something about a farm.
[00:04:23]  White people who don't know black people, they never notice a clean shape-up.
[00:04:27]  Tell you that right now.
[00:04:27]  I'll save you $30 a week.
[00:04:29]  If you don't know black people, you never know when they need a haircut.
[00:04:32]  You know what?
[00:04:33]  I got to switch sides.
[00:04:34]  I got to go with Akash on this one.
[00:04:38]  He commits me to the bottom.
[00:04:39]  Yeah, I think I'm going to Akash on that one.
[00:04:41]  I think that white people just assume that's how black people look.
[00:04:43]  Yeah, straight up.
[00:04:44]  You just look clean shaven and your haircuts just look short.
[00:04:47]  Sorry, hairlines are just like boxed.
[00:04:49]  Son, like the Android.
[00:04:52]  Or like, what is that?
[00:04:53]  Android commercial?
[00:04:54]  With the two, the twins that you fucking hated.
[00:04:56]  Remember the Puerto Rican twins that were doing some Samsung commercial and you fucking hated them?
[00:05:02]  Yeah, I think they bring you fucking.
[00:05:03]  Andrew violently hated these twins.
[00:05:05]  Why are they hating on them so hard?
[00:05:06]  I don't know.
[00:05:07]  You were like, I can't figure out, but I fucking hate these dudes.
[00:05:10]  And I remember you tweeted it.
[00:05:11]  We were at a hotel doing a show somewhere.
[00:05:13]  And mad people were like, yo, I fucking hate those guys.
[00:05:18]  The ones doing all that shit.
[00:05:19]  Yeah.
[00:05:19]  Yeah, that's a stupid ass move.
[00:05:21]  Whatever.
[00:05:21]  We haven't changed this move yet.
[00:05:24]  This is every break dance is just like that.
[00:05:26]  It's like the new this shit.
[00:05:27]  You know what I mean?
[00:05:28]  Rock back and forth.
[00:05:30]  Is that the Superman?
[00:05:30]  That whole.
[00:05:31]  No, that's when black people, like when they start break dancing or break dancers, they take that like step back and sway.
[00:05:35]  The setup steps.
[00:05:36]  The setup steps.
[00:05:37]  That's the new setup steps is this shit.
[00:05:38]  Hold on, black people break dance?
[00:05:40]  Nah, Asians.
[00:05:41]  That's an Asian art form.
[00:05:42]  Yeah, they took it from us.
[00:05:43]  They really did.
[00:05:44]  Because they're nice.
[00:05:45]  All right.
[00:05:45]  So, son, so back to my pollen.
[00:05:48]  So he tells me that the pollen count is really high.
[00:05:50]  That's why I thought I had pollen.
[00:05:52]  Yeah.
[00:05:52]  And that's why I've had dry throat.
[00:05:55]  My whole life, I thought that I get a cold every once in a while and I have dry throat.
[00:06:01]  My whole life until today, that's allergies.
[00:06:03]  Because allergies for me, when other people had them, was your eyes are watery and your nose is.
[00:06:08]  You don't get that.
[00:06:08]  You just get a dry throat.
[00:06:09]  Dry throat.
[00:06:10]  That's a great allergy.
[00:06:11]  Ain't nothing wrong with that.
[00:06:13]  What?
[00:06:14]  What's the big deal?
[00:06:15]  I've been drinking gallons of water and it don't change.
[00:06:18]  That don't sound that bad, to be honest.
[00:06:19]  I guess you're right.
[00:06:20]  It's just a dry throat.
[00:06:22]  I wish that was all.
[00:06:23]  Suck some dick.
[00:06:24]  It'll probably lub it right.
[00:06:25]  Damn, sorry about that.
[00:06:26]  Yeah, you get the whole thing.
[00:06:28]  You get allergies.
[00:06:29]  James.
[00:06:30]  See, I think I just got pollen.
[00:06:31]  I think you guys got allergies.
[00:06:34]  I think it's called pollen when you have just dry throat.
[00:06:36]  You got the pollen?
[00:06:37]  I got pollen throat.
[00:06:38]  You got pollen.
[00:06:40]  Just lubricate the vocal cords.
[00:06:42]  Yeah, but you know, he's never considered this his entire life.
[00:06:46]  I thought I had a crazy thing.
[00:06:46]  Oh, yeah, this happens to him.
[00:06:48]  People talk about allergies all the time.
[00:06:50]  Yeah, but Andrew don't think shit like that affects him.
[00:06:53]  Ah, that's true.
[00:06:54]  I mean, it never occurs to him that some negative shit like that.
[00:06:57]  That's like bitch shit to him.
[00:06:58]  Like, he probably didn't realize he had a weak grip until you start like, I mean, he probably just thought something was wrong with the seat.
[00:07:05]  Son, that was demoralizing.
[00:07:07]  Do you know what it's like to be trying to get some shit open and then got to go, hey, Al, son, I know what all of it is like.
[00:07:13]  Look at me.
[00:07:13]  Ain't nothing.
[00:07:14]  I don't know what it's like, son, but I got bravado.
[00:07:16]  I could do anything.
[00:07:18]  Dude, you lean into your bitch shit.
[00:07:19]  I'm rocking.
[00:07:20]  I'm Superman.
[00:07:21]  I know I'm 6'2.
[00:07:22]  I got big hands.
[00:07:24]  I should be able to open shit.
[00:07:25]  I gotta go like this.
[00:07:26]  I gotta go.
[00:07:26]  Hey, Al, Al, come here for a second.
[00:07:29]  And then he's gonna say real loud in front of other people trying to get the bikes out, like, oh, you need help with your seat?
[00:07:33]  You didn't even fix your seat?
[00:07:35]  Like, I'm five years old.
[00:07:36]  I can't fix my motherfucking seat, bro.
[00:07:39]  The guy fixing my seat.
[00:07:40]  Is this okay, Height?
[00:07:43]  Like, I'm his bitch and shit, bro.
[00:07:45]  I'm not your bitch, Al.
[00:07:47]  Al, don't be adjusting my seat like that.
[00:07:49]  I know how to treat a lady, so yo, real talk, chivalry.
[00:07:57]  Can we talk about chivalry?
[00:07:59]  Yeah.
[00:08:00]  Because I was thinking about some chivalry, bro.
[00:08:03]  Yeah.
[00:08:04]  Because I struggle with this door.
[00:08:05]  I've been, I think I need to get back in the gym.
[00:08:09]  Son, I gosh, it was a wind tunnel or something.
[00:08:13]  I struggle with the sun.
[00:08:15]  I pushed with my hands and I moved.
[00:08:17]  Yo, do you know that?
[00:08:19]  Do you know that scene in the movie where like both cartoons throw the fireball at each other and the fireballs are competing?
[00:08:24]  That door was bodying me.
[00:08:26]  That door had to be.
[00:08:28]  Yeah, it had the blue fireball.
[00:08:29]  My feet were sliding.
[00:08:32]  Bro, I had to put my shoulder into the door.
[00:08:36]  Yeah, yeah, that's the move.
[00:08:38]  You just lean more shoulder onto it right there.
[00:08:40]  Good money.
[00:08:41]  I'm just saying, I think chivalry was pragmatic.
[00:08:45]  Yeah.
[00:08:46]  It's not trying to get, it's not like, oh, you're just trying to get pussy.
[00:08:49]  Yeah.
[00:08:49]  It's like, if I couldn't open that door, there's no way women could open that door.
[00:08:55]  Right.
[00:08:55]  So we probably had to open doors for you.
[00:08:58]  Yeah, But it wasn't like we're trying to get laid.
[00:09:00]  It's like we were trying to go to work.
[00:09:02]  We were trying to leave the house, you know?
[00:09:03]  Yeah, bitch, you can't just get out of the way.
[00:09:05]  It's the way sounds.
[00:09:06]  They didn't have hollow doors until it's Alex with the bike seat.
[00:09:09]  Exactly.
[00:09:11]  He wasn't trying to fuck.
[00:09:12]  He was trying to take a ride on a bike.
[00:09:14]  I mean, speak for yourself.
[00:09:17]  He was trying to fuck.
[00:09:18]  Wait, but do you know what I'm saying, though?
[00:09:20]  Like, you think that's how gators decide who's top and who's bottom?
[00:09:25]  Like, the second you got to adjust some shit for your man, you're like, all right, I'm fucking him.
[00:09:29]  That's how that works.
[00:09:31]  So you're saying I would be a bottom based on my hands.
[00:09:33]  Based on that.
[00:09:34]  Yeah, but who would want me to jerk them off?
[00:09:37]  You got nice soft hands, bro.
[00:09:39]  I got soft hands, but I don't have enough grip for that traction.
[00:09:41]  I might as be slopping right off of it.
[00:09:43]  Just slide right off.
[00:09:45]  You're trying to like scrape off skin.
[00:09:47]  Yeah, son.
[00:09:48]  Like, it's supposed to be a nice thing.
[00:09:49]  You want a smooth ride, dog?
[00:09:50]  I got a pedicure.
[00:09:51]  You got good ear tire hands, son.
[00:09:53]  Shit is all traction.
[00:09:56]  So I got this pedicure yesterday.
[00:09:58]  No, I'm getting a pedicure.
[00:10:00]  Right.
[00:10:03]  I had a very feminine week.
[00:10:06]  I got pollen.
[00:10:07]  I got pedicures.
[00:10:09]  Pollock is feminine.
[00:10:10]  Yeah.
[00:10:12]  Ain't it?
[00:10:13]  Just makes you a girl, right?
[00:10:14]  Crying for no reason.
[00:10:16]  Your nose hurts.
[00:10:18]  Thirsty.
[00:10:18]  Phoenixes.
[00:10:19]  Yeah, you're just a girl.
[00:10:20]  That's all allergies is, is you become a woman.
[00:10:24]  Right?
[00:10:24]  You never know if a bitch got allergies, right?
[00:10:26]  You're like, you're just being you.
[00:10:28]  But you just being you though.
[00:10:29]  You complaining that it's cold everywhere.
[00:10:31]  I mean, they have a blanket.
[00:10:36]  Yo, what did girls do before blankets, real talk?
[00:10:39]  I don't fucking know.
[00:10:40]  How y'all even made it this far in human evolution?
[00:10:43]  You're always cold.
[00:10:45]  They just got fucked.
[00:10:46]  That's why they're going to stay warm.
[00:10:48]  Just keep watching.
[00:10:48]  Yo, that's yo, we should have never made jackets.
[00:10:51]  You know how loyal women were back in the day when the only way they were warm is when we came back.
[00:10:58]  Like, you just had to be cold all day, keeping yourself busy.
[00:11:01]  Like, let's pick some berries, I guess.
[00:11:02]  We can't just sit here and be freezing.
[00:11:04]  Right?
[00:11:05]  And then the dude came back.
[00:11:06]  You're like, finally, room temp.
[00:11:10]  Right?
[00:11:12]  Like, they needed us.
[00:11:13]  Now they don't need us.
[00:11:14]  That's the only reason they want to cuddle.
[00:11:15]  That's the only reason.
[00:11:17]  And we warm, so that shit gets hot after a while.
[00:11:19]  Bro, it's so hot.
[00:11:21]  That shit is whack.
[00:11:22]  You don't like cuddling now?
[00:11:23]  No.
[00:11:23]  I like it on a timer.
[00:11:25]  Hold up.
[00:11:25]  Hold up.
[00:11:25]  You're going to adjust my seat.
[00:11:28]  I think I ain't going to get some cuddles out of you.
[00:11:33]  What the fuck is this guy thinking is?
[00:11:35]  What's on that big ass chest for?
[00:11:36]  Andrew's head.
[00:11:39]  You got it for, motherfucker.
[00:11:41]  Just rest in between my bosom.
[00:11:42]  Right.
[00:11:44]  That's why you do have fucking pull-ups.
[00:11:49]  Wait, you don't cuddle at all?
[00:11:50]  I love cuddling on a timer.
[00:11:52]  Like, after about 30 minutes, it's like, look.
[00:11:54]  30's a lot.
[00:11:55]  Bro.
[00:11:56]  That's a lot.
[00:11:57]  Yeah, I try to sleep through it, but at a certain point, my girl knows now.
[00:12:00]  She just gets up, and then whenever it's time, like she knows I need to sleep.
[00:12:03]  Do you like it?
[00:12:05]  I'll slide out, or I'll be like, oh, I'll just wake her up sometimes and be like, hey, baby, I can't do that.
[00:12:10]  I need to breathe again.
[00:12:13]  It rolls over, and then we're good.
[00:12:14]  then everything's fine we're good yeah But I love it at first.
[00:12:18]  I love it at first.
[00:12:18]  I'm not going to front.
[00:12:20]  If I push them, I go right into Jackknife.
[00:12:23]  Oh, you go jackknife.
[00:12:24]  Yup.
[00:12:24]  Keep that knee out.
[00:12:25]  That's a barrier.
[00:12:27]  I literally, I sleep like this, fam.
[00:12:29]  Like that.
[00:12:29]  Jesus, Heisman, fuck off me.
[00:12:31]  And if they try to roll back, they're rolling right on my knee, bro, right on my meniscus.
[00:12:36]  But then when they put their leg on top of yours, now you trap.
[00:12:39]  I could deal with one leg.
[00:12:40]  You can deal with one leg.
[00:12:41]  I can deal with one leg on top of me.
[00:12:42]  And low-key, sometimes if I really like them.
[00:12:45]  Yeah.
[00:12:45]  You ready for me to get super vulnerable today?
[00:12:47]  Yeah, let's do it.
[00:12:48]  If I really like them, I'll touch my feet against their feet.
[00:12:51]  Oh, that's high.
[00:12:52]  That's a high.
[00:12:55]  Yo, if your man don't rub feet, you don't give a fuck about that.
[00:12:59]  You pussy ain't shit.
[00:13:02]  Pussy ain't shit if we're not touching feet.
[00:13:07]  Bro, that's how you know you got good pussy.
[00:13:09]  Yo, put your feet against your man's feet.
[00:13:11]  He pushes, like, your foot is this one because you're shorter.

=== Vulnerable Feet and Meniscus Pain (02:29) ===

[00:13:14]  Yeah.
[00:13:14]  And his foot's that one.
[00:13:15]  If he pushes his foot back up against your foot.
[00:13:17]  I love you.
[00:13:18]  That's the most important cuddle.
[00:13:20]  You got some sunshine.
[00:13:21]  Yo.
[00:13:22]  You got some sunshine between your legs.
[00:13:25]  Yo, you know how, like, all right, this is a joke that never works.
[00:13:29]  And then we'll start talking about some sports soon, hopefully.
[00:13:31]  But like, and I can't get this to work, but I'll share with the patrons.
[00:13:34]  You know how women talk about how they want the thigh gap?
[00:13:36]  Yeah.
[00:13:36]  It's idiotic.
[00:13:37]  It is stupid, right?
[00:13:38]  But like girls that get their clits cut off technically probably have to.
[00:13:53]  Right?
[00:13:55]  But I can't get that shit to work, bro.
[00:13:59]  Oh, my God.
[00:13:59]  I wonder why.
[00:14:01]  Dude, we did an episode of Inside Jokes.
[00:14:03]  Akash, Roy Wood Jr.
[00:14:06]  Oh, did we talk about this on regular pod?
[00:14:07]  No, because we did.
[00:14:08]  That's right.
[00:14:09]  And Paul Verzee, y'all know Paul, he was on this, on a podcast.
[00:14:13]  And it was so funny, yo.
[00:14:17]  We took a Roy Wood joke, and then we just found the funniest fucking thing I've heard in years.
[00:14:22]  Son.
[00:14:23]  It was in fucking sane.
[00:14:27]  Like, his joke wasn't that offensive.
[00:14:30]  No.
[00:14:30]  But we went there.
[00:14:33]  Did we not go there?
[00:14:35]  We went in graphically.
[00:14:37]  It's a beautiful joke now.
[00:14:38]  Paul's fucking does that.
[00:14:41]  Oh, my God.
[00:14:42]  That was so funny.
[00:14:43]  We got to drop that suit.
[00:14:44]  We got to drop this suit.
[00:14:45]  That's so fucked, bro.
[00:14:47]  Yeah, dude.
[00:14:48]  Anyway.
[00:14:49]  I want to tell y'all that y'all could just watch it.
[00:14:52]  It's funnier if you see it.
[00:14:53]  Yeah, you got to see how...
[00:14:55]  This is what happens sometimes.
[00:14:56]  But like, did you notice like if a premise of a joke is good, like, we'll attack like piranhas.
[00:15:02]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:15:02]  You know, like chumming the water.
[00:15:04]  It's chumming the water.
[00:15:05]  So like he threw the threw the premise in the water.
[00:15:07]  Everybody was hype.
[00:15:08]  He didn't even finish the bit.
[00:15:10]  No, we were just.
[00:15:14]  Yo, it was it.
[00:15:15]  And it was just one after another.
[00:15:17]  It was like hot potato.
[00:15:19]  What is that?
[00:15:19]  Sweet potato?
[00:15:20]  Hot potato.
[00:15:20]  Hot potato.
[00:15:21]  What's sweet potato?
[00:15:22]  That's when black people play it.
[00:15:29]  Yo, what's up?
[00:15:30]  This is Akash.
[00:15:31]  That was a preview of our Patreon episode.
[00:15:33]  If you want the full thing, go to www.patreon.com slash flagrant2.
[00:15:38]  Join the illest community on earth.
[00:15:40]  Unless you're a social justice lawyer, then you're just going to ruin the fun.