Will Nas and Austin dissect adult performer Joey Mills' refusal to cuddle with Jake Preston, debating whether transactional hookups require phone numbers or intimate gestures. They contrast gay dating norms with straight expectations while recounting app experiences on Grinder and dining at Los Angeles' Catch restaurant. The banter shifts to role-playing scenarios involving gorillas and dolphins before teasing a future raunchier episode featuring Sean, ultimately questioning modern hookup etiquette without explicit labels. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Staying Over in Oregon00:11:16
Watch this, Fox News.
Shake my hand, you idiot.
I'll save it.
I'll save it.
Oh, no, actually, you look like Stephen Miller.
What?
You look like Stephen Miller.
You straight up look like it.
No.
No, wait, wait, wait.
Let me know.
No.
I'm Stephen Miller, and I support this guy right here.
I think everything he does is awesome.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of The Fear Anne Blood.
Let me stop you right there, Austin.
Let me stop you right there.
It's like I close my eyes and he's still here.
I'm fucking here.
I have a middle part in my hair, and I love Saturday Night Live.
Do you think Will loves Saturday Live?
Of course he does.
He was.
Sorry, I was in Second City.
Second City is an improv thing for Saturday Night Live.
My dog's name is Farley, Chris Farley.
Okay.
What is he doing?
Will is at WrestleMania right now.
He's wrestling.
He's wrestling.
You think he's butt-ass?
I think Will probably is butt-ass.
You think he's butt-ass right now?
Oh, yeah.
Have you?
All right, let's go around.
Oh, this is quick.
Have you?
By the way, to the bottom of the paradigm.
I'm Will Nas and I'm here to ask some hard-hitting questions.
Hassan.
Hassan, have you ever seen me butt-ass naked?
Yes.
Really?
Of course.
Of course.
Really?
Have you seen Austin butt ass?
I refuse to.
No, he won't let him.
I refuse to allow Hassan.
Because he's going to make fun of their penis.
They'll make fun of his penis.
Really?
Do you have a micro?
Oh, God, no.
No, it's 6.3 inches leans slightly to the left.
6.7 inches leans slightly to the left.
I actually have been seeing it recently in the lighting, and it actually looks closer to seven.
I realized I haven't measured since I was like 23, 24, and it can grow.
Do you think you got more meats since 2010?
I genuinely.
Maybe the monoxidil that I'm taking or something.
He's making it smaller.
No, I'm telling y'all.
I mean, I'm not going to show it.
But the thing is, you're not busting out a ruler.
You're just looking at it with like a key light on and you're like, ah, it's a little bit.
No, no, no.
It's so much bigger.
A gentleman told me something very profound.
He said to me, he said, Austin, you know, the angle at which you see your own penis is the smallest it actually looks.
Coke.
Oh, no.
I was going to say, is it like this?
No, I'm very confident.
No, no, no.
These are the words of a confident man.
It looks great.
No, it looks great.
It looks great.
I have no issue.
I just don't want my friends seeing it.
Do girls, like, look at their boobs?
Huh?
Do girls look at their boobs?
Our boobs?
Oh, our boobs?
Is this your boob sometimes?
Do you guys ever go puss for puss?
We don't go puss for puss, but I remember I thought about if I was scissoring with a girl, if I would want to, like, go puss for puss.
Well, that's kind of what it is.
Yeah, you can't, I guess.
I know, but we've talked about, we've talked about innies and outies.
You want to scissor a girl?
I mean, well, everyone should experience something.
Everyone should experience everything in life.
Everyone should do everything once.
There's Audi vaginas.
Yeah, Audis and Innies.
Majiday?
Labia.
Yeah, the labia.
No, I'm not gay.
You did react to Audi vaginas like you are.
I just don't know a lot.
I don't know.
Dude, Austin uses the gayest words.
It's so really?
It's so, how do you say it?
It's so charming.
Because we were talking about, I was supposed to be on a couple days ago.
I didn't get any sleep.
I had to bail at the last minute.
He has insomnia like me.
Very cool of me.
And then, and he's like, I'm sorry, Hassan makes us go do it so early.
He's such a brute.
He's such a fucking brute.
What a delightfully gay, gay word.
That's so fun.
He's such a brute.
Do you think you're a brute?
I guess.
The fuck?
Don't say I guess.
Answer me.
No, I don't think I'm a brute.
I don't think it's Hassan's fault we do it early.
Whose fault is it?
Okay, we in the real world.
In the real world.
No, it is my fault that we're doing it so early.
What?
Because in the real world.
I thought you wanted nighttime.
No, I would do it night.
I would do it at night.
But if we're going to do it early, I have to do it early because I have to do it.
Oh, I see.
No, in between is what you're saying.
You can't do it.
The straight of whore moves is closed.
No, it was open.
It was open yesterday.
For literally, I think like three hours.
And then they closed it.
But the thing is, Hassan is you have to understand people are going to wait for you to cover it.
No matter what.
That's not how that works.
It is.
Like, the news could move on, but like, I will stop the cycle of the news to wait for what you have to say about it.
That's crazy.
Hormoo.
Hormooz.
What is Will's mom?
Nice.
Nice.
Give me that shit.
Nice.
Fucking slime.
You can't fucking say that.
What if I just did the whole podcast?
What is this, Will?
Everybody.
Will shut up and.
I don't think you could do everybody.
I think I could do everybody.
That's you.
Hold on.
That's all I have to offer.
I got this.
I got this.
Oh my God.
I think I'm dying.
And then.
That could be either of us.
Yeah, that could be.
Honestly, honestly, it's not micro.
Like, I think it's genuinely bigger than micro.
And then, hold on, let me do this on.
No, no, you got to do.
Oh, that's me.
That's cheap.
That's cheap.
You loved that one.
That's cheap.
Give me something better.
Give me something better.
Come on.
Go on.
Ready for Hassan?
Yeah.
Oh!
Brute.
That's exactly how you love.
Such a brute.
I'm a brute.
He's a brute.
He's a brute.
I invited myself to stay over here.
Just barely.
And he made me feel so guilty about it.
Bro, you said I overstayed my welcome.
Really?
He's okay.
Really?
He's not just staying the night.
He's not just staying.
He's staying until Tuesday.
Did you say you were going to stay till Tuesday?
Did you start adding days?
No, no, I did.
No, he came in hot like a couple hours prior.
He told Hassan's assistant that he was staying in Texas.
Yeah, I did.
I said, can I check into Hotel Piker?
And I'd like to stay till Tuesday.
For what?
What are you, homeless?
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is shit.
No, I stayed in the home.
I could, I, in my defense, I could have stayed longer because I've been here since Wednesday.
Do you need money?
No, I have to do it.
Dude, that's what I asked him the other day.
I have no money problems.
It's just, I looked at the bill and I said, this is going to cost me thousands of dollars.
Stupid.
Why?
The reason is I stay at Hassan's.
Hassan wants me to stay here.
He wants me to stay here.
He always asked me to stay here.
And I stay here.
That's cute.
And now that I'm staying here, he's playing hard to get.
He's doing his whole thing.
But I...
Last time he stayed here, he ate my father's food.
Like, not even leftovers.
Just like straight up food he had ordered and it's left on the counter.
You ate Baba's arrow on.
And he ate all of it.
Well, Baba was very excited to see me when I. Excited enough to give it.
Yeah, no, he said.
He said, please take, please.
Yeah, he said hello to me and everything.
So, no, my point, my point is, the reason I respect Hassan's household more than a lot of people.
And I stay here because I stay here.
I don't stay here.
I stay at a hotel when I want to sleep with people.
And I want to have sex.
I don't want to.
And when you want to have sex with other people.
I refuse to do that.
When he wants to have sex with me, he stays in there.
Yeah.
That's in the kitchen.
Yeah, straight up next to the espresso.
Anyway, the offer extends to him.
So if Hassan, you could come to my house and stay as long as you're going to be.
Dude, I'm never going to go to Portland.
I know, but you can.
I'm saying, and I mean it's not like a genuinely.
It's not a reciprocal relationship.
If you're like, hey, you know, I live in Arkansas.
If you want to ever get to the house, you want to hang out.
It's Oregon.
You ever want to shoot an RPG at a cow?
It's Oregon.
That sounds way cool.
Oregon fucking staying in his house.
I was driving and I was like, dude, we should just create a sort of like a militia squad and just fire RPGs at Waymo's.
Oh.
Just take them down one by one.
I like that.
There's people in them, though.
I just forgot.
You're going to kill Mark.
No, no.
Customer Waymo.
Dude, Will.
We're looking at the side of the fucking do it.
And it's an RPG.
Boom.
WrestleMania canceled.
I mean, I think they're kind of cute.
No, they got all the glass and shit.
They're robust.
They're weird.
Yeah.
But yeah, I thought it'd be cool to blow.
You haven't asked a question.
Why are you homeless?
Well, I don't live here.
What?
I fly in every week from Oregon.
Every single day.
Isn't that crazy?
Every week.
Yeah, no, it's not.
We've tried to get him to stay.
He left the planes.
He has actually lived in LA for a little bit, but it's not enough.
He doesn't.
Bro, I moved down here and my car got in three accidents in like three months.
You got it.
Somebody stole my trash can.
Dude, saying my car got into an accident is so funny.
My car got into three accidents.
Okay.
How many of them were caused?
Somebody stole my trash can and I had a fucking shithole neighbor.
Yeah, he got mad at him for having a hot tub party.
Yeah, for having a hot tub party.
No!
It was loud.
I ran a party.
I ran a party from 11 a.m. to midnight and he got fucking pissed about it.
Yeah.
On a weekend.
It was medium loud.
Were you there?
No.
This is just my assessment from what I heard.
What's my defendant?
Emotional support.
This is my plain defense.
Play defendant.
Yeah, defense.
You're the lawyer.
He's the bailiff.
You've never touched me for this long before.
I'm trying to think of the words still.
It hasn't come to me.
My fingers smell like pickles.
Defense attorney, client.
Sorry.
This is my client.
This is my client.
Yes.
I'm the district attorney, and I'm easily bought.
Yes.
I don't have money.
So anyway, I moved to the bottom.
I hate all my pickles.
So you live in Portland.
Are you in a polycule?
No, I'm not in a polycule.
Well, he could be.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
What?
It's the Portland thing.
You go to the Portland, you be in the polycule.
You start our corrections.
It kind of is, though.
Like, you are, you guys do swing.
Swing.
Swing around.
Swing.
That's true.
You guys go and like fuck other dudes.
Yeah, but that's not a polycule.
A polyfuel would be more.
I love that.
Yeah, we do.
We do.
Fuck yeah.
We fuck other dudes.
That's what I mean.
A polycule would be more committal.
Yeah.
A polycule is like, it's like signing on.
You got to like fill out your W-4 and shit.
Wait, hold on.
Life's too fucking short.
Do you have repeat customers?
Of course.
Actress.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
They don't live with us.
Your honor.
Wait, wait, wait.
They don't live with us, though.
Is a polycule defined by a living situation?
No.
You have the they, them named Sock who doesn't do the dishes.
Right.
Like, you need one of these in every polygle.
No, no, no.
I don't have, they don't live with me.
So, well, one of them does.
My boyfriend.
Polycule.
Interesting.
Christian's gonna be so mad.
If you have repeat customers, if you're like, you know, I think it's sucking the same guy every now and then, then that's a polycule.
Yeah.
You could say, you could define it within the confines of a polycule.
I think I agree.
The Fat Moment Story00:14:35
Okay.
What do you guys think your best moments on this podcast are?
I feel like.
Best moment.
You have to comb your mind.
God, the best moment.
Comb your mind for them.
I have none.
Probably when I gifted Cutie a bra and panties that weren't her size.
Okay.
Fine.
Like, I just thought, I thought it was a one-size-fits-all technical.
Well, I actually bought it from Target.
You got it Instacartis?
I instacarted it.
You instacarted a bra in panties for Cutie Cinderella.
My best moment of the podcast was when I thought I nailed the interaction with Caleb Heron when I nailed the social interaction and it wasn't.
It was a failure.
I didn't nail it.
Was it an off-camera interaction?
It was, but we talked about it on the pod.
Now everybody keeps making fun of me whenever I do something that's like good.
Like I give Inhan Omar a iced tea, room temperature iced tea, which is like a super secret thing that she really enjoys, apparently, that I got, I did deep intelligence.
Yeah, exactly.
From my Mossad offering.
And she loved it.
And everyone was like, Hassan nailed that social interaction.
Every time I do something, they say that now.
Oh, because it's hard for you to normally do it.
Yeah.
It's like he did it.
He made eye contact.
Can I talk about a social interaction I didn't nail?
I'm on Master Baker with Cutie Cinderella.
Cutie Cinderella's Master Baker.
And Slime was a judge yesterday.
And I decided to bake a cake or bake a, what was it?
It was an Eclair.
By the way.
It was an Eclair.
You called Eclair a crochet.
It's an Eclaire Schmika.
He was making the sack boy from Little Big Planet.
Right.
I was making something, and Slime was a judge.
And I thought, you know, I'm not a very good chef.
So if I tell a great story about a chef or about a piece of the meal that I'm making or the bak good that I'm making.
You're nailing the storytelling aspect of this as well.
I'll say this.
I'm locked in.
Okay.
Because I know what happens.
Okay.
So is this not interesting to you?
No.
No.
So hold on.
I like to hear what he has to, how he goes.
So anyway, I was like, I need to come up with a story of trauma, but at the end, there needs to be like a happy ending.
So I came up with a story about...
What was the story?
Awesome.
Well, the story was about a family that was in a car accident and they hit a piece of black ice.
And the mother was ejected from the car.
Oh, my God.
And she was on, you know, anyway, she was on life support.
And then to survive, she survived because her son, Jonathan, little Johnny, who was so emotional, fed her through her feeding tube.
The Eclair.
The Eclairs.
The Eclairs.
And anyway, I didn't know this, but...
Wow.
No, it was a really touching story.
He's shoving the Eclair through the feeding tube.
Yes.
Forcing it through.
Yes.
And she chokes away.
Yeah.
She chokes back to life.
Yeah, she came back to the matrix.
Right.
And then.
Probably because the Eclair was so bad.
But unfortunately, I didn't realize that this story hit a little too close to home.
When I was 18 years old, my mother died instantly in a car accident.
Cutie.
What?
You know how I like to start my day?
I actually don't.
Really?
Yeah, we don't talk outside of this podcast.
What?
Yeah.
Are you kidding me?
Yeah, you're one of my favorite coworkers, but I'd like to draw the line there.
Wow.
Thank you for setting boundaries.
I think that that's really healthy.
But you know what's even more healthy?
What?
AG1.
Wow.
Daily health drink clinically proven to support gut health and fill in common nutrient gaps.
Thank goodness.
You have a lot of nutrient gaps.
You have a lot of nutrient gaps.
You know, I can smell them.
You can smell them?
I can smell your nutrient gaps.
Really?
Well, thank God they don't smell as strong because I've been putting AG1 every single day into my water and drinking it.
And you've been treating it like a non-negotiable ritual.
Yeah, it's non-negotiable.
Not even a supplement, just a non-negotiable ritual.
Yeah, it fits into my life.
You know, I go to the airport a lot.
Airport Mornings, hotel stays.
Or packed spring days.
Fit it in your freaking back pocket.
That's everywhere.
Absolutely everywhere, everywhere.
No shortage of daily energy to support and keep me moving throughout the spring.
That's so good for you.
Oh, yeah.
Antioxidants, probiotics, and functional mushrooms.
Yummy.
Yes.
Go to drinkag1.com slash fear to get an AG1 flavor sampler and bottle of vitamin D3 plus K2 for free in your AG1 welcome kit with your first AG1 subscription order.
That's a $72 value.
Oh my god.
Yours free only while supplies last.
Go to drinkagy1.com slash fear.
He didn't know this.
And when this happens.
You're saying the Eclair could not have saved her.
I was saying, oh, there's a shame I didn't have this.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Where was this Eclair in the most troubling moment?
I feel like we shouldn't be calling it an Eclair.
It should be St. Bernard's with little barrels on their necks with these Eclairs inside of them.
Opening up to car crashes.
Situations.
I didn't know this, and so I felt so sorry.
And I'd like to apologize to you publicly.
I don't.
I am so sorry.
I think it's 100% fine.
And it's something I kind of get to do with a dead parent.
Cutie knows this as well.
Every time someone says your mama, I get to ruin the vibe.
Yeah.
Or you have to shoot.
You have to wield that minority report.
Is it like a privilege kind of?
Kill yourself.
No.
It is.
It's basically like I just was holding pocket aces and you just kept betting into me.
You just kept shoving chips.
I know.
And I'm like, let me hit myself, Hall.
I went into such detail.
We had siren noises.
We had, we were like going into such depth.
I was making the kid, the kid was crying and I was talking about how it was tearing the family apart.
And he just let me talk the whole time.
You just let people bet into you.
And then if they haven't done it at all, you check raise him on the river.
Yeah, he's not shocked at all.
What?
What do you mean?
He's not shocked at all.
You think it's the worst thing he's ever said, dude?
I already cracked an additional joke saying that the life-saving Eclair wasn't there.
What do you think the worst thing he's ever said to you?
Ever called me fat.
Did you mean it?
No.
No, no, no.
Here's the deal.
I don't think he's...
We've litigated this so many different times.
Okay.
It's like training.
Let's open it back to you.
Let's heal.
Let's heal.
He's not fat.
It's not helpful.
He's larger than most people.
God.
Larger.
But, but, but in my defense, it's true.
That I'm fat.
No, but you can be large, but not fat.
First of all, there's nothing wrong with being fat.
There's a lot of fat people.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
Kale's Heron's fat.
He's the funniest guy I've ever known in my life.
He's fat.
And I learned this.
I kept using synonyms for fat, and they actually were more offensive than fat.
Yeah, like what you just did right now.
Wow, like that.
No, He is larger than most people.
She did it again.
No, but he can't usually, he can't really fit into seats.
Airplanes, movie CDs, roller coasters.
It's like he would probably, he needs an SUV.
Yeah.
I drove a Mazda Miata.
I don't think that he could literally fit in.
I don't think so either.
He's not fast.
You can be a big person without being fat, but there's nothing wrong with that.
So what you're saying.
Yeah, Hassan's not a fat guy.
Like Jeron James.
Hassan is a hulking, childish ogre person.
He's a brute.
No.
Oh, my God.
He's a brute.
And he gets and he walks around.
He's like, oh, I'm nicer to him than he is to me.
That's not true.
What's the meanest thing he's ever said to you?
Faggot.
Sometimes we just hit one.
I love this kid.
He likes it, though.
I do.
He gets a boner.
I don't get hard.
What's the meanest thing Austin's ever said to you?
Kiri Cinderella.
I don't know.
I don't know if he's ever been mean to me.
I'm so nice to her because I'm afraid of him.
That's fun.
Yeah.
Is that why he insta-carts you long?
Yeah, I was like, I just need more.
You've told me to kill myself before.
I have told you just earlier.
Just a few seconds ago.
30 seconds ago.
I don't know if you've ever been mean to me.
You just haven't.
Like, I think, like, the bra thing was that was a little mean.
And one time you went to Tokyo Disney and everyone got me a really cool present.
Oh, I got it.
And he got me a sticker.
He wasn't even.
They didn't even get it.
They just gave me a ton of people.
I have an honest person.
Yeah.
I made it.
So maybe that was me.
When I went to Paris, Disney, I made it up to you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But, and the meanest thing I've ever said to you is, I've told you to kill yourself.
I've also told Hassan to kill himself.
Yeah, well, that's a daily occurrence.
I've also told Will to kill himself.
She's told everybody to kill themselves.
Yeah.
That's okay.
It just feels like no one ever listens to women.
Yeah.
You have to speak louder.
I feel, I mean, I've said it pretty loud.
I have said it.
I've yelled it.
So it's actually a problem.
Now, I may be a little biased here, but I think men, I mean, here, I think we listen to women a lot.
No.
It's a one number one criticism of this show.
Besides the fact Hassan, is it really?
Is that your perception?
Is we don't listen to Cutie?
It is, it is what I hear the most is that you absolutely just run her over.
And there's not even a Saint Bernard to give her an Eclair that heals her nose.
Have we been doing that today already?
I don't think so.
I think she's also just not talking because she thinks she's dying.
No, I'm, I also, yeah, I do.
I am having anxiety, but I am.
This is my Pavlovian response to this podcast.
I just wait for my inserts.
And then I have Girly Pop Nation.
Yay!
So, wait, that's how it works.
Is that criticism that I'm not there?
No, your criticism is that you exist on it.
Typically, that's what people tend to be upset about.
Oh, they're like, Hassan's on it.
I hate this episode.
Which is crazy because I've missed one episode.
He's kind of the main character of the entire podcast.
All-star shit, it is in your house.
That's rather.
It does help.
And he has no mental illness.
He has no like.
He's actually the most neuro.
Oh, he's not really that typical, but he's the most like stable person on the podcast.
He's the most consistent.
Consistently stable.
No anxiety.
No.
He's just like a large cord of de rock.
Like a rotooned rock of a guy.
That's really cool.
Even Kiel.
Even Kiel.
I'm really starting to believe that you hate us, though, recently.
Hassan or Slime?
No, Slime loves us.
I've read a clip to share as evidence to submit to the cause.
Marsh, would you mind pulling up a yeah, I did.
There was a moment that happened this week.
I'm gonna have to be critical of you.
You know, I hate to do this.
You know, I hate to do this.
But let's heal the healing episode.
Because nice.
This week on your stream, you watched a clip of a very famous drag queen.
Oh, Trixie Cattle.
Yeah, I have beef with this too.
And she said something, and I'm going to look at watch you watch it.
We're going to watch you watch it, right?
Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
We're watching you.
I think it's a good idea.
Hassan Piker.
Hassan Piker, yeah.
Oh my God.
What is going on, Marsh?
Marsh accidentally opened up Claude.
He's going to start coding.
He was asking Claude how to breathe manually.
Thank you.
This is your name.
It's because you're night.
Probably a lot more sound, right?
He's a very, he's a very, well, he's a Twitch streamer, very active on Twitch.
Mary, I don't want to thirst over him, be the 4,000th obnoxious person to thirst over him online.
But yeah.
I think thirst is different than, listen, it's a blessing to have five senses, including sight.
It's a blessing to be able to notice something beautiful and say, that's just beautiful.
Yeah.
I just don't want to add to the annoying din of people online like thirsting over him.
I don't know.
I just want to be unique.
I understand.
Yeah.
I would suck the shit out of his asshole.
Let's take a break.
Wait, wait, what was your reaction to this?
That's the mention?
That's what you guys wanted me to see?
Brother!
That's Trixie.
I didn't even fucking know.
I didn't even.
This is Trixie, Mattel, and Katya.
Okay, can I say something?
Up until this moment, I didn't even hear the suck the shit out of his asshole part.
What?
What did you hear?
You have one job.
I didn't even hear that last part.
I just thought they were talking about the concept of third party.
Did you just tune out?
You just tuned out.
But hold on.
Hassan.
I need to give you...
I've had a long week.
Hassan.
Hassan.
Okay.
We need you to focus and lock in.
All you would have to do is be like, oh my gosh.
Hey, y'all, tell Katya and Trixie we want them on the Fearham podcast.
And they can suck at my asshole.
Yes.
And then boom!
Katya and Trixie on the Fearham podcast.
And then me and Austin have new best friends.
And then we don't have to hang out with you guys anymore.
Exactly.
Yes.
Yes.
And you can stay at their house.
Finally.
And I can just do it.
I have more places to stay.
It's a win-win situation.
Hassan.
Come on.
You can be fine.
What do you think of us?
We got to get you to lock in.
And he's going and doing podcasts in New York City and he's not asking them to be on the podcast.
Yeah.
You've abandoned us.
You doing Adam Freeland?
What are you doing?
Zwa!
He didn't see what's my dad?
You didn't pot about Liz?
Wait, what?
You didn't do Pot about List.
Is that public yet?
I didn't do Pot About Liz.
No, no, no.
The Z-Way one is public, yeah.
Z-Wa, Z-Wa.
Z-Way.
I was going to say it's Z-Wait.
I thought it was Z-Way.
I was just, I was like, oh, my God, oh my God, I got it.
I got to rewind that.
He did Z-Way's podcast.
You got to cut me.
You're leaving that in?
We're leaving that in.
Zwa.
That's not going to be good, though.
That's like all...
It was a clip copy.
Yeah, I mean, that's what she does.
That's what she does best.
She's incredible.
Well, anyway.
So what do you, we need to...
What do you have to say for yourself?
I've had a...
No, you're saying you had a hard day.
I want to hear that shit.
We've had a long sequence of past three weeks, I would say.
Grizzly Bear Suit Choice00:04:47
Yeah, me too.
I understand.
Your outfit looks like a grizzly bear picked out a suit.
Why?
Cutie Cinderella gave this to me when I did the thing, the murder mystery.
Oh, that's your Colonel Mustard suit?
Yeah, I still wear that.
You just want our Hassan Piker back.
That's all.
I've just, I've been.
I feel like he's the same.
I'm here still, but I've been a little busy getting fucking absolutely yelled at by virtually every...
Fox News has done like 25 hits on me in the past 20 days.
All right, Fox News.
Take a look at me.
Yeah.
I'm on your side.
I didn't see her.
I didn't see her.
Mormon daughter.
Real American.
Real American blonde woman.
Is it validating?
Is it validating that the biggest ops of the world, aka Fox News, are like kind of fucking kind of looking at you in the same way those gentlemen were looking at you?
What?
Those cross-dressing gentlemen.
Drag queens?
Yes.
Well, am I getting my brows wrong?
They do identify as men.
Okay.
But they're drag queens.
They're drag queens.
Wonderful.
Yeah, I've gone to the brunch.
I know what it's like.
Yeah, you know.
You're woke.
One time I went, I lived in Hollywood.
Yes.
And it was when I first moved here.
And I lived with a gay man in his 40s.
His name was James.
Worked a very normal job.
And I was like, I do know James.
You know, James, Filipino.
Yeah, yeah.
He was great.
I would go to melee tournaments carrying my little CRT out the door every weekend.
And he'd be like, why don't you guys just use the flat screen ones?
I'd have to explain to him every single time.
James was lovely.
One time he's like, Do you want to come to drag brunch with me and my friends?
All of his friends were like young women in their 20s were gorgeous.
Of course.
So I'm like, Yes, James would love to do that.
Even if they weren't there, I would still because like hanging out.
Anyway, I go to Strag Brunch.
All of the waiters are very, very gay men.
Of course.
And there's West Holly, whatever.
Yeah, just rippling, beautiful gay men.
Yeah.
I look pretty much the same as I do now.
Besides, I had it when it was still under a hat.
And I'm sitting there and I'm like waiting to order.
And this guy just comes up and he's just like, are you straight?
He's a waiter.
While he's taking orders, you straight.
And I'm like, uh-huh.
And he's like, you wear it well.
And I was like, I'm going to kill myself for this.
Wait, why?
That was nice.
I think it was an insult.
He said it like a nice thing.
He said it like an insult.
That's a nice thing.
He was a little shady.
See, the thing is, is straight people get picked on at drag brunch.
The first thing the drag queens do is they go out and find the straight people to pick on.
He got picked on at drag brunch.
Everybody.
I didn't get picked on.
Well, like straight men.
Excuse me.
Well, I mean, I don't know.
Yeah, I just, I was, I was emitting this straight aura.
Yeah.
This, this really just this pure essence of man.
Big time.
Does it scare you being next to me?
Yeah, I feel physically and sexually intimidated.
Sexually finally.
Like he could outfuck you.
Yeah.
He's like a sexual panther.
Yeah.
Pounce.
Austin.
What?
Does this look normal?
Oh, cutie.
Oh, God, cutie.
You got it.
You see it?
What's wrong with it?
God.
What is it?
Cutie.
What's wrong?
Put it down.
Put it down and go see a doctor immediately.
And you know what?
I'd recommend using Zock Doc.
Wow.
Yeah, because you don't want to take that foot somewhere and realize that you're out of network.
Right.
You need an app that'll tell you what's in network.
And maybe I could find a doctor sooner.
Yeah, and maybe you might need to look quickly because I don't know if many doctors are going to want to deal with that.
Really?
Yes.
That's right.
Okay.
And you got to stop putting up your appointments, cutie, because my God, you've let it get out of hand.
What is it?
And you tried painting your tailors and it's like putting lipstick on a pig.
What is it?
I'm sorry.
But like, what is it that's wrong with it?
Cutie, just go see a doctor.
Okay.
Just go see a doctor.
Okay, I'll do that.
And you should go see a doctor today.
Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to zockdoc.com slash fear to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today.
That's z-oc-c-d-o-c.com slash fear.
This message is sponsored by Zock Doc.
Yeah.
Dude, dead ass.
Have you ever had combat training?
Not like for an extended period of time.
No why.
Do you think what are the odds we go out back, normal one-pound gloves, three minutes?
Hong Kong Culture Clash00:02:59
Who wins?
Straight up.
I mean, I've been in a lot of fights.
You've been in a lot of fights.
I've been in two fights in high school.
You in a lot of fights.
Yeah.
All right.
So what are the odds?
I don't know.
95-5?
Maybe.
The river.
95-5, not 10-0.
It's not 100-0.
No, it's never 100-0.
I would beat the shit out of him.
I feel like I couldn't.
Wouldn't even be close.
You're too tired.
He's too tired.
I'm so fired.
I'd take him after a day of talking about the straight-of-horror movie.
I would just tell him, oh my God, it's open again.
Dumb deal.
It's easier than that.
Just on your phone, play a train horn and he'll be like, where are you?
You like trains?
He doesn't like trains.
What the hell?
It's a very efficient mode of transportation.
You're interested in trains.
Were in China, which I was, which was incredible for trains.
Yeah, you went to China to train.
We also went to China, did you?
Did you take the high-speed rail?
No, I wasn't there for very long.
I I literally was in Hong Kong, which is China Dlc, and then the Beijing.
How much worse is Hong Kong than mainland China?
Well, worse is an interesting word, because I I don't.
When I speak a language and I go somewhere, I have a miserable time and that's on me to, like you know, learn the language and kind of get around it.
Hong Kong, everyone speaks English.
Hong, everyone speaks English.
So honestly, I was like, learn that, what a crazy cool place.
I learned that the hard way when I went to Hong Kong, because I was speaking Mandarin and I was like, why is nobody, why is people, why are people looking at me?
Right now, i'm just trying to have to speak.
Yeah well, I didn't know that.
So I was.
I was speaking just straight up because I had learned, I had learned Mandarin from the previous uh trip, the the day before I was in China, of course, and I was really picking up on the culture, simple language, and they were like, Hong Kong's China, China's Hong Kong, you know, yeah.
So I walked up in there confident as hell Nihao yeah Sisia, that's right, she's a Beijing accent.
And the guy, the guy, the guy at the hotel I was like he like came up because I complained about something.
And he came up to the room and I started to tell him and I said Nihao and Sisia, and he didn't like that very much.
No, what is that?
You should know what that is.
What's that?
It's like a term of endearment, like handsome young man is in Chinese or in Mandarin, or Chinese yeah, in the Mandarin.
So anyway, but I learned very quickly that Cantonese is a different dialect of Chinese.
And I started, from which region did it originate?
The Cantonese region?
Of course, that's pokemon Red Bro.
Well, it's from the Hong Kong region?
No um well, it's with the kids.
Well, come on, where is it?
Where the hell?
Is it history time?
Oh, it's because oh, Guangzhou.
Do they speak Cantonese there?
Giraffe and Dolphin Zoo00:09:32
Still, interesting.
Well anyway, your trip to China, I went.
I went for a couple days.
I came back.
It was very short.
Yes, that's crazy.
We went for two weeks, been to China, been like yeah, it's fine, it was, it was just fine.
I couldn't really experience it in any meaningful way.
I just showed up, hung up in Beijing.
You went to Hong Kong, you went to well, Beijing is like boring, I guess.
Yeah, I will say, Aiden went to Shanghai and he was like it's like literally the city from the future.
Yeah oh, he was like stunned.
I was jumping for joy when I saw that skylight.
Why, what's there?
I feel like you're lying.
No no no, no.
He loves tall buildings.
Oh, he likes tall buildings.
He loves tall buildings.
He likes tall buildings and leds and like all the lights and stuff too.
I mean, I didn't like Shanghai as much as I liked uh Chongqing and Chengdu.
I think those were more like Shanghai was.
For my taste.
It was a little too like western cosmopolitan.
Same old, same old.
I think that's probably why I liked it.
Yeah, but then.
But then uh Chongqing and Chengdu were very Chinese.
I thought it was a little gray.
So I like Shanghai.
Can we do some role play?
Yeah, I want us all to do some role play together.
I'm ready.
Is it sexual?
No well, part of it.
I just have to ask for permission.
If it was everyone, close your eyes, permission For me, I'd have to call my boyfriend.
I'd ask him.
I can't be loyal.
I can write off.
I'm ready.
You can sign off.
I can sign off on ourselves.
Wait, do you have power of attorney?
I have power attorney.
I still might have it.
I don't know if he changed it.
All right.
You do.
So please, if he ever dies, take me out of the house.
Everyone, close your eyes.
We are all, we all work in a zoo.
We are at the San Diego Zoo.
San Diego Zoo.
I'm the chief zookeeper.
Okay.
I manage all the Austin is my younger apprentice zookeeper.
Okay.
Kitty Zanorel is HR of the zoo.
And Hassan is a person who was caught on camera scissoring a gorilla.
That's awesome.
And you are now.
And the cops have not come called.
You are in the interrogation.
We have captured you.
We're not letting you leave.
And we're sitting you down.
And you're just sitting there and seeing open.
Well, well, well.
Wow.
Out of breath, aren't you?
We saw what you did on the cameras.
We're about to open in 10 minutes.
What you saw was love.
Well, it was love.
Really?
I will say the cameras did appear.
Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, but that's not the point.
I'm going to have my young apprentice zookeeper come here.
He took some samples.
Excuse me.
Sebastian.
Yes.
Thank you very much.
We found a few samples of your bodily fluids and we tested them and they are yours.
And they align perfectly.
They're in the same container as the gorillas.
They're in close proximity and we found them together.
We also had video.
I don't know why he's doing this.
Yes.
We had video, but also you need to have forensic evidence to back it up.
So we seems like you guys are there's so many things that are hard to train.
He's hard to train.
He's a real supervisor.
As HR, I don't know if I don't know if I need to be in this room.
Because no one who works here had sex with the giraffe, correct?
No.
It was a gorilla.
And it was.
Oh, gorilla.
And honestly, it was insane.
Okay.
Listen, I have you here because I'd like to fire this man.
Well, I have never had sex with a giraffe.
I don't know what grounds he would have to fire me.
I can't even reach a giraffe.
Oh, you're not gay for the giraffe.
How would you fuck a giraffe?
With a crane?
With a ladder.
Potentially.
Get up on a ladder.
You'd have to.
How would you scissor a gorilla?
None of this makes sense.
No, a scissor gorilla.
It makes no sense on the giraffe.
I thought you scissored a giraffe and I was really confused.
I don't know why I went to giraffe.
Listen, I'd like to fire this man and I'd like to.
I think what makes a good zookeeper.
Your honor is someone who loves animals.
I have an explanation.
Please.
Year is 2014.
Okay.
Oh.
A little boy falls into the gorilla pit.
Oh, wow.
Oh.
Yeah.
The gorilla starts running in the direction of the little boy.
Right.
The zookeeper see the little boy moments before he's potentially going to be stomped on.
They shoot the gorilla.
His name is Harambe.
What you saw on the CCTV footage was a man who thought a similar incident were to take place.
I jumped down into the enclosure thinking that there was a little boy, but I could not watch another Harambe-style incident take place.
So I did what I know best, which is leg wrestled a gorilla.
Wow.
You're saying that.
Wrapped the gorilla around my legs, thinking that I could apprehend him.
I have strong.
I have strong lower body strength.
I my upper body.
It's not as strong.
So I tried to do do a leg wrestling thing with the gorilla and maybe I got a little too excited and that's probably the bodily fluid.
Well, this is why this is why I still should have my job is because this is very important he still the giraffe.
Though wait, while I was trying to apprehend a gorilla, I didn't.
I looked over at the other enclosure and he was clapping the giraffe cheese.
Is there, is there any hr reports of him talking, walking around talking about some giraffe?
No, no one's complaining.
No one's complaining.
I checked the box and there's been no complaints in the complaints.
Well, I was.
If you're written a complaint in the suggestion box, there has been someone who keeps asking for like rubber boots and a rubber like rubber outfit.
I'm not sure what they need that for in zookeeping in a ladder right, because we have ladders, probably.
The suggestion box is anonymous, so I don't know who that could have been for.
Let me tell you, by the way, in 2014, that was the hardest day of my life.
You worked there too.
I shot Haram.
I was the one that had to take the shot.
I didn't see that on your file.
When we hired you in San Diego talk about it did they shoot him in the head?
I think they I, I think they.
I think like detective Alonzo Harris in training day.
Just just why couldn't they?
No way because he was holding a kid.
Why couldn't they shoot him with a kid?
He was holding the kid.
Why didn't they shoot him with a kettlebell guard?
I think because it's not quick acting uh, quick acting to necktin.
Well anyway, let's end now.
You know, I had to leg wrestle the gorilla, so it was an accidental scissoring.
You're fired, he's hired.
I don't know why I was here.
Well, because all matters of hiring and firing need to be overseen by HR.
So, thank you yeah, but i'm just a NEPO.
I slept with the guy who, I don't even know how I got this job.
Well, you guys know about the woman who, uh like, married a dolphin.
Is the one who fell in love with a dolphin yeah, and she would like have sex with it.
Yeah, what?
On Tumblr, there used to be this gif.
There was this gif.
It was like a post of someone being like, hey, just made my account, excited to see this website, and then someone reblogged it like awesome to have you bro, here's a gif of a guy blowing a dolphin and it really is.
That's disgusting.
Was a dolphin?
That's crazy.
A dolphin can't fall in love with a human.
I don't think it can fall in love, but they certainly can.
They're rapists.
They are rapists, but they, they don't.
They don't.
They don't outside their.
No, they do.
They rape.
Uh, they rape seals, I think.
No, they rape, like a lot of other.
It's a common thing for dolphins, and I think they might have even tried to rape humans too.
Really, what that was wasn't.
A king.
I'm trying to find the.
Yes, that was a king of the kid.
Hank Hill had got accosted by a dolphin and it changed him.
Yeah, he felt emasculated.
Yeah yeah, that's exactly.
Well, they look cute, but I clearly they're not.
Um maybe, targeted animal behaviors, yeah, male dolphins using aggressive sexual behavior, including force mounting, to dominate other males.
Turtles, that's kind of fun, it's.
Yeah, it's said.
Porpoises wait, wait.
Human interactions hold on chat GPT.
While dolphins generally do not make with humans, in rare cases of high habituation, male dolphins that display sexual aggression towards human divers yeah, they try to rape humans too.
What can you do?
But she would.
Essentially she'd jerk off the dolphin.
That's what it was.
Yeah, that's great experiment where they like I think they were dosing the dolphins with lsd or something.
What the fuck.
And then they had this like weird habit.
They would sleep on a bed that was elevated, but then there was like water so the dolphins could like sleep in the same they MK Ultra the dolphins?
I think something like that if I remember correctly.
Yeah.
Why can't we just leave the dolphins alone, man?
I mean, they're very smart.
Jesus.
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
Would you rather marry a dolphin or a monkey?
Marry?
Like you gotta like...
Probably a monkey.
Yeah, I think I'd marry a monkey.
Yeah, they're just more fun.
I can't even swim.
You know what?
I'd rather marry a dolphin because then I could just cheat on him.
You know what I mean?
Wait, why can't you cheat on the monkey?
The monkey would know.
The dolphin's in the water all day, right?
Yeah.
That's a really good point.
That's a really good point.
I'm just going to the shore.
You can't come.
Ridge Wallet vs Monkey00:03:16
I'm just so loyal.
I didn't think about it.
You can't breathe out here.
You can't breathe out here.
That's a good point.
The monkey could come.
I'm happy we asked that question.
No, no, I'm loyal, but I wouldn't.
You just talked about which one is easier to cheat on.
Well, no, I'm not saying, like, if it was a human, I'm not cheating on him, but I don't want to be with a dolphin or a monkey.
So I'm going to fucking, if I was a kid.
Yeah, it's like, yeah, like, I'm Jon Snow, the president of Hunger Games, and I'm saying you have to marry a monkey.
Is that the kind of shit you guys talk about on the yard?
Honestly, yeah, really, for sure.
Yeah, I kind of came with some ideas and it just kind of gravitated toward the normal subject.
Like a lot of bestiality-related things.
I think bestiality is an easy avenue into something that's innately wacky, right?
So you can instantly just be like, whoa.
Because everything that you just made us talk about will appear on Fox News.
Honestly, a son biker says, oh, Scissor a gorilla.
Oh my God.
That would be awesome.
They're going to clip it so that it makes it seem like I just presented this as a suggestion.
As long as my news crush, Kate Balduan, doesn't report on it, I'll be fine.
Who Kate Baldwin?
Yeah.
Is she on Fox News?
No, she's on CNN.
Oh, she's Kate Baldwin.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Kate Baldwin.
Oh, yeah.
That's your news crush?
That's not good.
That's not her.
Oh.
Kate Baldwin.
Balduan.
Balduan.
How do you spell it?
It was when I was watching the news in 2015.
I was like, oh, yeah.
There you go.
What else?
I was like, she's still, she's still on there.
She's still.
Braun's still doing it.
She looks like Fire Stargirl or whatever from the boys.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, man.
I used to have a wallet that gave me so much back pain.
Right.
So it was so heavy and big.
So heavy and big.
And you could barely even fit it in your pocket.
You could only fit like two things in it.
That's right.
Well, that was until I got my Ridge wallet.
Ridge wallet.
Yes.
You know, I love it because it's unique.
It's slim.
Well, and this one is a key.
This is a key wallet.
Oh.
You can keep your keys in it up to 12 keys.
That's incredible.
Isn't that cool?
And then this is a Ridge wallet.
That's right.
I can keep up to 12 cards.
That's only six keys, actually.
Amazing.
Six keys in the city.
And the cool part is over 50 colors to choose from.
Yeah, yeah.
And back by a lifetime guarantee, I'm going to kick flip with this.
And if it doesn't, I have my lights guaranteed with my life.
Cutie, did you know that these wallets block RFID technology?
Finally, because I've been nervous about that.
I know.
People kept stealing my wallet being loose in my bag is not working.
Your wallet is on the floor in your car, and that means you just spread it everywhere.
Right, you don't have one.
This is really good.
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Starlight, she's great.
Starlight, yeah.
Giving Up Phone Numbers00:14:42
I wanted to bring up, since no topic seems to be off limits here, I'm gonna go and bring something up that may interest you all.
There's a lot of gay drama going on right now on the internet, and it surrounds a couple of adult porn stars by the name of Joey Mills and Jake Preston.
Wait, haven't I met one of those?
Yeah, you've met both of them.
You've met both of them.
Oh, I have.
Oh, my gosh, they're fighting?
No, they're not fighting.
Oh, are these young men homosexuals?
Yeah.
Well, allegedly.
Oh, right.
Allegedly.
That has nothing to do with the drama.
Yeah, you never know.
So, anyway, I've sent Marsh a link, but there's a drama brewing because they said something that the internet did not like.
And I want to get your guys' take on it.
It's just right at the beginning here.
So we're not going to watch the whole video.
We're just going to watch what he said at the beginning.
The internet was gay Twitter.
A lot of people on gay Twitter were very upset about this.
Let's hear it.
I'd love to get my take in the straight man.
Get the out of my house.
We did it.
You can go get a text later if you want.
I'm not going to give you my number.
Pause.
Cuddling.
That is the drama.
Cuddling after sex, and they were hookups.
Vehemently against it.
People are upset that Joey wouldn't give.
They think there's something wrong with him.
They think he's a dick.
They think he's a whore for not wanting to provide his phone number.
Yeah.
How do they handle the logistics without the phone number being some coin?
Grinder.
What's up?
Oh, truly.
In the app.
Oh, my God.
You really aren't gay.
Oh.
You really aren't a homosexual.
You don't know.
Please, can you walk us?
Yeah, let me walk you through.
Walk us through from match to not cuddling.
Yeah, break it out.
So I can pull up a conversation on Grinder, but I'll tell you like this.
You, hey, so I go, hey, you type?
Yeah, yeah, totally, totally.
Tommy's lying.
So I go, hey, you go, hey, right?
We start a conversation.
Then we usually send photos fairly quickly.
If you like the photos, usually you will respond, oh, nice.
I'll send photos.
Big one.
Yeah.
You send four.
And then typically you send more explicit photos.
And then eventually, if it's really, if you're really into it, then eventually you kind of like take it off.
You either keep it right there.
Where do you move on to?
Well, telecommunication.
Sometimes people, no, it would be like Instagram or some other medium of interesting communication.
So you give Insta?
You give another mail.
So then you can see more pictures before you give them your phone number.
No, no, no, no.
So let me, back up a little bit.
The way that Joey probably does it, and most people do it, is they stay on the app.
So they send photos, everything like that.
They send their address.
Yes.
So there is a point where someone is giving their physical location to another person, but not their phone number.
I have some lived experience.
My boss.
On Grinder.
You were doing gay.
My old boss, we'd go to conferences all the time and he'd hook up on conferences.
And sometimes we'd be on lunch of our conference and he'd skip the next session because he's a little hoe.
And he'd be like, pick my boy.
I'd go through and you'd look for ones that would be like they would.
They would literally say blow job ready, or want to give, or whatever, and you, literally all you have to do is like I would just send them his hotel address.
Yeah, and they'd be like they'd thumbs it up and you'd say two o'clock, they'd thumbs it up and they'd be there.
Yeah wow, what an efficient yeah, it's so efficient.
Trains in China.
Yeah, it's really, it can be really efficient, it's incredibly efficient.
Then they come over and you know, like this is my, that's what I'm saying.
Sometimes it's not the home address, though.
Yeah, like some it could be the hotel okay, so I think, to give this credit, I think the phone, giving someone a phone number it's not just a logistic thing, it's like an intimate act.
Here's my direct way to you know what is also an intimate act?
Having sex with someone.
It's not you're such a romantic deal, throat bro, deal throw.
Sometimes you don't want that, sometimes you don't want to talk to them again.
I think this is my deal, if you are bringing somebody over for a hookup, you are in no obligation to provide them with anything.
Right, maybe come on cup of water, a cup of water and a towel.
Let me back up.
Let me back up, let me back up someone to do it.
I provide a lot of things okay, like if somebody comes over, I offer you contest this.
I offer no no, I offer a lot water.
Well no, no water.
He's selfish, selfish bit.
Maybe a bite to eat?
Right, you do not offer them a bite to eat.
You are lying through your fucking teeth.
Remember the last time you offered a bite to eat to someone who was not a repeat customer and it wasn't like maybe the fruit basket that was already there at your hotel room?
I offered somebody a protein shake recently really, repeat customer.
Nope new, those are tough because you only buy one.
You know what I mean.
I bought four, pack of four, or it was like a pack of four that he put in his backpack from his hotel.
I bought him before.
He's like he'll give some to Christian too.
Like he's like oh, I can't carry all that shit in a bag yeah, and there I stopped stealing them.
I stopped he did because I realized how expensive they were myself.
Yeah right, so okay.
So my point is this, you feel bad.
You got obligation to be a decent person sure, but being a decent person doesn't extend to providing you you.
I don't need to give somebody my phone number, I don't need to.
You know, if it didn't work out or whatever, maybe I don't want to see them.
It also depends on the level of hookup, because if it is just a transactional hookup, then that person probably doesn't want that anyway.
Exactly, maybe this is a one-time thing.
Why do you need somebody's phone number?
What are your thoughts?
Asad, I feel like that's crazy.
I feel like if you're gonna someone, you might as well give them your phone number.
You know?
No, that's interesting.
No way you're more of a romantic than i've ever would have imagined.
I'm flagging on the field.
There is no way that every girl you've hooked up with has your phone number.
I'd like a recess please, like.
Okay yeah, this is a tough one.
I can't even like.
How are you gonna find out?
I think this is.
I think this is just a cultural difference between gays and straights.
We communicate on different mediums than you do.
Also, the rate of hookups I think is is just through the roof, casual, like it's more casual.
Yeah, I was thinking about it yesterday.
I was, I was at UH Catch, I was having dinner at Catch and tell us.
It's hilarious to say that, like it's 2017, what it was delicious, it was beautiful.
It was like 800 for four people.
I was like Jesus Christ, of course, I paid for it.
Anyway, go on I, I did the awkward thing, right?
I was like i'm so awkward I have to pay for it unless he's there, and i'll be like, oh my god, where's my wallet?
Yeah yeah I, um and I I, I was sitting at a table with people and I then I see these these, these young men and women, probably in their 20s, and they're all just like kid, like dudes with backwards hats and Fucking James.
It's catch.
Yeah, Know what this is.
The name being catch hilarious.
No, we went there for Lud's birthday.
It's like a very drake when you were Tony Starr.
We went there.
I had the private patio with the flowers.
And you sat next to Lud's mom.
She's so you are so no.
Slime is so weird because Slime will be like, remember that time you wore that blue shirt and you told and you gave me the stank eye?
And I'll be like, No, I don't remember that.
But then I'll be like, Do you remember that time we went on this beautiful dinner with 12 people and you sat next to Ludwig's mom?
And it was after we all did pottery together.
It was after pottery?
Yes.
And you had your hair piece on.
I phased that part of my life to phase that on my left.
He doesn't remember anything when he has a hair piece on.
That was a different hit.
He died.
Yeah, okay.
Anyway, sorry.
All right.
Sorry for your loss.
Okay.
So anyway, you've been to catch.
You're at catch.
Catch is a very well like catch is like quintessential LA.
Like very drake.
Fucking no boo, yeah.
It's like a it's like a restaurant Drake would go to in 2017.
Yeah, he he probably doesn't go anymore, but he would go in 2017.
So you're at this gaudy shithole of a restaurant.
Yeah.
I mean, they have great lobster mats.
They had a great pretzel bread with like the Dijon.
It was delicious.
Go to the Henry.
They have the best pretzel bread.
I'm going to do that.
Okay.
I'll tell you.
It was very expensive.
I love that.
Very overpriced.
Okay.
Catch was.
Anyway.
So I'm looking at this group of straight people and I'm like, oh, yuck.
You know what I mean?
First of all.
And I'm just like, God, just the fucking theatrics and just everything they got to go through to get laid.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
It's true.
It's so much work for them.
It's like, I just don't.
It makes me feel bad for them.
That's why I say a deal throat instantly.
Yeah.
It's funny how much straight men, like, I like sometimes like homophobic straight men, like men love sex, right?
And they'll sit there.
And then like, you're just so jealous of gay men.
That's my take.
I think there's a lot of homophobic straight men that are just like genuinely jealous of a gay man.
Imagine being able to like hang out with your bro and fuck him and have no feelings attached.
Exactly.
Awesome.
Yeah, that's some bullshit.
I think feelings get attached.
I think sometimes.
I mean, sometimes we're not humans.
Not if you want a casual work human brave.
I mean, we're human beings.
It happens from time to time.
We do catch people.
I'm thinking about it like it's an accident, though.
What?
What?
Datching feelings.
It happens from time to time.
Well, then, what is your verdict on this gay controversy that swept the nation?
I think that everybody has their own boundaries.
And no matter, even if you don't like them, that's their boundaries to set.
If somebody doesn't want to give you their phone number, you don't have to.
So the phone number is the biggest thing.
I feel like the repackaging of just like not abiding by normal code of conduct is an expression of free will here.
What do you mean?
Normal code of conduct?
Individualism is trumping the normal code of hookups.
I don't think it's crazy to not want to give.
I give people my phone number all the time.
I don't even give streamers that phone number.
That's on their particular prerogative.
You're not fucking them.
Like, that's the whole point.
I'm fucking one of them.
My question, yes, Lacey.
My question is.
Lacey, have your phone dashing.
That's crazy.
But my question is: so the big problem here is the phone number thing, not the cuddling thing.
Well, it's both.
I see.
It's both.
Cuddling, I understand.
You might not be in the mood for a cuddle.
Okay, but like with the phone number, I feel like you're interested.
Phone number, like you think it's a shitty thing not to give somebody your phone number.
I think you just maybe give them a fake one, you know?
So I'm gonna go.
Pleasantry.
Well, what if it's a social norm?
You were just inside of this person.
If somebody, if somebody gave me, if somebody asked for my phone number, I could not say no.
And I'd give them my phone number.
Yes.
I've given complete strangers.
You'd give complete strangers on the plane your phone number.
And that's very complicated.
You're phone slut.
It doesn't mean anything.
Give them my fake phone number sometimes, which I gave them.
You've given me your fake phone number.
I give him that to him for months.
I think anyway, cuddling after sex.
I don't think that's.
I think it was Walka Flacco who said.
Depends on the time of the day.
You got your main bitch and you got your mistress.
Right.
And you need two phones.
Yeah, I get you.
Like, okay.
I get you.
I need two phones to do this shit.
I understand.
Yeah, just use your freaking Google phone number.
Yeah.
I just, I just personally think that everybody's got boundaries and everybody should be respectful of those boundaries.
I just, I feel like, what, to what extent are your what can you package as your own personal boundaries?
I don't, by the way, other people would be clear horrible social.
Let me be clear.
These are not my personal boundaries.
Oh, let me make clear.
No, they're not.
No, they're not.
No.
Have you hooked up with me?
What's going on?
I understand the irony here is that you literally just like wrote somebody.
I just think it's, I think everybody has their own boundaries.
Sure.
But the irony is that like the boundaries weren't crossed when there was a penis in your mouth.
That's the funny part.
Right.
That's hilarious.
I mean, I don't know.
Everybody's got their own boundaries.
Yeah, but okay.
Here's my argument to that is like I've had sex with people that I am less close to than like a friend.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, so like, okay, like I, you know, I used to be a huh.
I used to be a huh.
Oh.
To be a huh.
Anyway, so back when I was a hu, I had, you know, I had sex with a man once.
Really?
And like, I don't talk to him.
I don't know him.
I'm closer to Austin than I am that guy.
Yeah.
And we have sex.
So what does sex even freaking matter at the end of the day?
We've never even talked about it.
Sure.
Yeah.
I get it.
We've never talked about having sex.
Would you like to?
I mean, I don't think that we should.
I mean, I don't think we need to.
I don't think we need to either.
Because I don't think we're having sex.
I'm happy that we figured this out.
I'm happy that we really Austin and I are not having sex.
We're not having sex and we never will have sex.
Take that, Fox News.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Two straight people.
Two straight people.
Are you having sex?
This controversy, where was it divided among the population?
I think a lot of people thought it was just a shitty thing not to give somebody your phone number.
I agree with a lot of people.
Interesting.
I'm going to call Joey right now and tell him that.
Joey.
Should I call him right now and say that?
Call that guy right now.
You know, we'll do it in the Patreon.
Yeah, call him out.
We'll call him in the Patreon.
Then I'm going to say Hassan Piker.
Thinks you're shitty.
You're a douchebag for not giving me that.
Hassan Piker.
You know, Big Daddy.
Yeah, I think maybe it's my, maybe, maybe it's because I'm used to it.
But let me set the record straight.
If I were to hook up with somebody, I would probably give them my phone number.
That's really fucking good.
Or some other way.
Yeah.
But like, it depends.
It depends.
Like, what it is it really necessary?
Like, what if it's not necessary?
Well, what if you hook up with somebody and you're like, I'm not going to talk to them again?
Why do they need the phone number?
Right.
I will say this.
I give him the phone number and ghost them.
And you don't.
What's worse?
That's worse.
What's worse?
Come on.
I'm kind of on the straight team here.
Why does this make more sense to me?
You can't win, though.
You can't win.
You cannot win.
It's better to ghost them after giving.
That's evil.
No, as a woman, no.
Wait, no.
See?
No.
You would rather.
Wait, Marsh, where are you at on this?
I'm on that side.
Yeah, you go.
You guys are pussy.
Listen, listen.
Listen.
You hook up with some guy and you actually like him.
You're like, maybe can I get your number?
Why Pussy Smells Bad00:04:22
And he looks at you and he's like, no.
I would rather end it there.
You'd rather be psychological.
This is what happens wrong.
This is what happens otherwise.
Okay, I leave the house.
I call Maya.
I'm like, oh my God, he was so sweet.
Oh, my God.
I have his.
Yeah, he gave me his number.
Yeah, we're definitely.
I think we're going to do it.
He might be the one.
Oh, my God.
Oh, we got.
I hear nothing.
Monday, I text.
I call Maya.
Have you heard anything?
No.
Why does Maya?
I texted him.
Maya would know everyone I've had sex with.
Yeah, you need a write or die.
So then Tuesday, I'm like, I'm like, I texted him, but he hasn't sent anything back.
And then Wednesday.
He's not in.
I texted.
I don't know.
Wednesday, you send one turns green.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Why waste more of my time?
Why are we not saying this is?
If my pussy stank, you don't want me back.
Tell me then.
Yeah.
Kitty, let's roleplay.
You're the guy that I just hooked up with, and you are asking for my number.
Ready?
Go.
Wait, I'm the guy.
You're the guy that we just.
Wait, why am I asking you?
Oh, we're both boys?
Yeah, we're both boys.
Oh, sorry.
I forgot.
You go.
I was homophobic.
No, it's okay.
It's okay.
Okay, we're both boys.
Okay, just we just, oh, hey.
You guys piss ball out of you fuck sometimes.
Yeah, we do.
Okay, so you really took it.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
Wait, I'm a bottom.
Okay.
Nice.
I'm the bottom.
You want mine?
I forgot who's asking who's.
You're asking me.
Oh, okay.
I've never forgotten.
That was awesome.
I have a meeting in the little.
This is not a work trip.
I have to get back to my conference.
Yeah.
We should do this again sometime.
Can I have your number?
Hey, I here's the deal.
I feel like we should have reversed.
I think I should have been the rejector.
I don't believe that this is going to, there's going to be a next time.
It's core.
I'm watching.
And I think you're wonderful, but I'm just really not looking for another time with you.
What?
Jesus Christ.
You know what?
I appreciate the honesty.
I appreciate it.
I appreciate it.
I really actually like that you said that.
Honestly.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, no, I'd be like, I'm going to kill myself now.
Yeah, but it's.
I'm going to kill myself in front of you.
It's honest.
I get it.
It's honest, and it's one day of torture compared to like a week of like, man, he ghosted me.
God is such a great way.
So you wouldn't fucking think, like, why did he stop?
I would think my pussy stank, but like, oh, well.
Why do you think that 100% of people that reject you is what your smell is.
Yes.
Because what else could be wrong?
Yeah, yeah.
It's the same thing.
I have a glittering personality, but my pussy stinks.
Yeah.
But the thing is, you would know if your pussy stank.
I know.
My pussy don't stink, but I do like making jokes about it.
Okay, well, that's good.
That's good.
Thank you for clarifying.
If my pussy stank, you would know.
I haven't smelled it.
We sit so close to each other.
We do.
I have sat next to somebody else.
I think it's a hard thing to tell.
Satan's pussy stank.
Yeah, like I've sat next to him.
It's a hard time to tell someone their pussy stanks.
I think it's a hard thing to say.
Have you ever been told, fellas, your balls stink?
Yeah, I've told boys their balls stink.
But like after I worked out, but by who?
A person that I was, you know, I have told my partner that their hoo-ha was a problem before.
Interesting.
You've told Mudwig that his I have.
Maybe he's got the clean balls known to man.
I don't know.
Maybe you only did polite women.
It was right after a workout.
That was the only time.
You still remember it, too.
It's seared into your mind.
Yeah, now you won't.
I had this guy that he, something was wrong with his nose breathing.
Really?
We would like make out and the air out of his nose would smell bad.
And so what the fuck?
I don't know why.
So I had a hard time making out with him.
And so then he went to the doctor and the doctor, he had polyps in his nose.
Oh, no.
So I saved his life.
You did?
By being blunt.
So you said that.
You straight up.
Yes.
Have you met me?
He had nose cancer?
No, he just had polyps.
They just removed it.
Were they pre-cancerous?
No, there's polyps.
Just weirdo polyps.
You know, like your throat one.
I didn't know.
On that note.
On that note.
On that time.
Yes.
And we will be moving to an even more raunchier version of this podcast.
What is going to do?
Why is it going to be raunchy?
It's going to, well, you're going to see a hole.
Nose Polyps Revealed00:01:00
That's right.
Sean shows hole.
That's right.
Don't look into it with a magnifying glass, like he's Sherlock Holmes.
That's right.
That's right.
And then he's going to reenact the...
Slime's going to be the gorilla.
Yeah.
And we're going to be scissors.
Slime, before we let you go, thank you so much for coming on.
What do you want to shout out?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Where can people find you?
Find me?
I'd rather they don't find me.
How about you know?
I will be revealing his home address behind the paywall.
Let it run.
He's on a podcast called The Porch.
It's called The Porch.
How about this?
Instead of a shout out, because there's two people with dead moms here, call your mom right now.
Call your mom.
That's sweet and geek.
And make her apologize to you.
That would have been nice.
Yeah.
That would have meant a lot.
And give her a nice Eclair.
Yeah.
That's what I got to say.
And on that note, we'll see you behind the paywall next week.