Austin, Hassan, and Batman mourn Will Neff's death while debating healthcare systems and autism masking. They announce Valkyrie as their new co-host, set boundaries for her raunchy humor, and promote NordVPN for travel hacks. The group mocks TikTok trends like the "24-karat gold laboobu woman," jokes about an Indonesian boat race, and reflects on how digital algorithms fuel health anxieties, ultimately signaling a chaotic yet evolving chapter for their podcast. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Colon Cancer TikTok Confessions00:15:16
You don't even know him.
I know.
Say it on someone you know that holds more weight.
I swear I'm cutie Cinderella.
Don't.
That's not nice.
Whoa.
What the fuck just happened?
Oh, shit.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of the Fear and Podcast.
We are threesome today.
We're having a threesome.
We're not having a threesome, but everybody's talking about it.
Nobody's talking about it.
No one thinks it's going to happen.
It could happen.
I'm starting a rumor.
We're having the most unexpected threesome of the generation.
Unfortunately, we are here on the podcast mourning the loss of our dear friend, Will Neff.
He died of a self-suck incident, but you.
But like for real this time.
Yeah, for real.
But like for real, for real.
For real.
And you can support him and keep his memory alive by buying this t-shirt right here.
It'll be in the links below.
Okay, it'll be links below.
Maybe you could put a picture.
An editor right over my face.
Also, it'll be available only for one week.
And it will only be available.
Oh, Marsh has a mic.
By the time you watch this, you'll have like four days left to buy.
You'll have four days left to buy it.
That's right.
Oh, my God.
So happy to be here with you guys on such a wonderful day in Los Angeles.
My tummy hurts.
Uh-oh, do you have colon cancer?
No, I don't.
Do you?
No, I don't.
You don't?
No, I'm not going to put that out there.
I keep convincing myself that I do.
I know, I know.
Have you gotten, you haven't gotten over it yet?
No.
Okay.
It's a long way.
I know.
Does anyone ever get hyper-fixated on like health, OCD, or anxiety?
I just need, yes, you do.
Anyway, I just need people in the comments to talk about why the heck is TikTok just feeding you pots?
Yeah.
Like you either have pots now, colon cancer or like elderberry disease or something.
I forget what it's called.
It's like Eller's disease or something.
Your TikTok algorithm fucks you up.
Yes.
It's unique.
It's very bad for hypochondriacs.
You're mainly.
It's bad.
I know, but I need, I just need someone in the comments to tell me that I'm not the only one getting colon cancer freaking TikTok.
I have this.
I got a colonoscopy for it.
Because of the colon cancer TikTok?
Well, no, this was before TikTok.
This is as crazy as you.
This is before TikTok.
I was TikTok.
I was searching.
I made my own algorithm and I would just go look for things.
I would research.
I'd read Reddit.
That's not TikTok.
That's you Google searching.
Yeah, I know.
That's what I'm saying.
I made my own TikTok.
No, I need someone to tell me that they're seeing it on TikTok so I know it's not a sign.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
No.
Cutie I am.
Cutie III.
But you didn't.
You just said you Googled it.
I know, but I went and searched.
I read people's cancer stories.
Like how I found out about it.
It's a sign.
Austin doesn't know what he's talking about.
Will, I mean, Hassan.
It's not a sign.
You can't say it.
It is a sign.
No, you're fucking insane.
No, she's not.
We are the same person.
We are both.
You're also insane.
You just said you Google searched yourself into fear.
That's normal.
He needed a hobby.
None of those things are normal.
Yeah.
Fuck a white boy with a hobby.
Yeah.
You guys need to be aware.
You need more fears.
Like we said, we've talked about this before.
No, you need a friend that can tell you when you're being fucking insane.
And I am that friend for both of you.
Did you eat hot dogs a lot growing up?
Sometimes.
What about lunch meat?
Sure.
What about sugary cereals?
Yeah.
You might need to get a cereal.
My mom is saying, no, but I have sugary cereals.
Do you think he needs a colonoscopy?
She's like, no, she said, no.
Do you think I need one?
I don't have a mom to tell me I don't need one.
Would you think that I saw TikTok saying that colon cancer is on the rise?
It is.
She is right about that.
Sarcastically said, that's the best place to get medical advice.
TikTok.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Not Zachary.
She wasn't being serious.
She was being sarcastic.
It does make no problem.
I just don't have, I need like a grounding authoritative force in my life.
I don't have that.
Yeah, I'm the grounding authoritative.
I know the problem.
She said, go to a doctor.
I did go to the doctor, but I know what to say to get a colonoscopy.
I said I need a colonoscopy, and they said, okay, that's exactly what they gained the system into getting a colonoscopy.
Oh, my God.
When the Republicans are saying people are using, taking advantage of extra health care, this is you.
They're talking about you.
I'm paying for it.
Wait, I do the same thing.
If I know I need something, I'll go and convince them.
You know what?
My bad.
Everything I knew about socialized medicine was wrong.
There are people that will bankrupt the system if it's free.
I mean, yeah, I was too free.
I won't pay my medical bills.
I'll just do it, but I'll pay it.
I'll pay.
I'll pay extra.
Oh, my God.
I think we should have socialized health care, but then also a la carte options.
Yeah, I agree.
Like, if it's not covered in socialism, then I can add on the colonoscopy.
We can't do a single pair system.
We can't do a single pair plus.
It's either we can't do that.
Why?
You're not the president.
No, I know I'm not the president, but we can't do that.
We have to have a single pair system.
Why?
Austin, explain.
You're telling me I can't get a material.
Sorry, I'm going to have universal health care because if you have like other options like that, fuck, I forgot why, but I know you can't.
Hold on, I'm almost there.
You get in there.
Hold on, hold on.
I know you can't.
You can't, because I used to be like this.
I'd be like, well, they can have their socialized health care, but I want my good health care that I'm going to pay for.
The problem is, it corrupts the socialized healthcare.
You don't freaking know shit.
It's the same structure with like private education, long-time private education, where private interests and profiteers will inevitably cripple the existing public structure.
That's what I said.
In an effort to make the private alternative.
That's what I said more appealing.
That's what I said.
And then inevitably, it's only the only viable healthcare that's readily available.
I had a moment.
Engage in a system of austerity for publicly funded programs and destroy it.
I don't think you're close to it.
I didn't understand.
Every time I can't not look like a moron.
No, no, you did great.
You did great.
Every time.
I knew something.
I knew something.
You got that.
You did know something.
Well, anyway.
Well, that was fun.
Well, anyway, I just need someone in the comments to tell me that you also ate hot dogs, processed meat, junk food, ramen, sugary cereals, and Red 40, and you are 30 and you don't have colon cancer.
Thank you.
Why do you think I feel like you're not?
I ate all those things.
I used to eat out of everybody.
Wait, Wait, what sparked you into believing that you have it?
Is it just TikTok?
Remember all the times I shit myself?
Don't laugh at that, Marsh.
Okay, you were stuck.
Wait, wait, hold on.
Did you take magnesium?
No.
I just started shitting myself.
I've been shitting myself recently.
Have you actually been shitting yourself a lot?
No.
Four times in the past year.
That's kind of a lot.
You shit your pants four times.
Marsh, you were there.
Weren't you there?
Wait, what?
In Utah.
Okay, that's no, you didn't even shit yourself.
I did.
I shitted myself.
You ate fucking frozen microwave meals and you were stuck on the road.
No.
Well, you have a digestive disorder, right?
I don't know.
No, no, like you said you had like your gluten intolerant.
No, I just do it optionally.
Oh, okay.
Why?
Wait, you're for PCOS, for PCOS, it's supposed to help.
It's supposed to help.
Wait, what were you?
What were you?
What were you doing?
Okay, so I shit myself on the car ride.
That's totally separate.
That one's kind of fair because I kind of exit.
Yeah.
And also, didn't you have a microwave meal or something?
Not yet, but I was full of fiber because I was trying to get my fiber up because my cholesterol was.
That'll make you shit.
But then, but then I shit myself when I was sick because I sneezed and it just came out.
Yeah, that happens.
That happens.
I've shit myself when I'm sick, too.
Yeah.
I've never To me, you guys don't even realize I shit.
I didn't tell you this, so we're opening up here.
I shit myself on the way home from the podcast one time because I had to poop.
Oh, no.
And I was like, I don't want to poop at Hassan's house.
Ew.
Wait, no, this is a great place to poop.
Well, I have a poop.
He's got bidets on every toilet.
Well, then I drove home.
Sometimes I'll come here to poop and I live somewhere else.
What?
You did that?
That's crazy.
Why are you doing that?
The other day, I just came into your house.
You didn't even notice.
And I took a shit in one of your bathrooms.
What is happening?
It was great.
It was a bidet.
It was either that or the gym.
I didn't want to poop at the gym.
So I came over here.
Anyway, regardless, neither here nor there.
Yeah.
So sometimes when you randomly come in, I assume that you're just like checking in, you know, you're just like letting your presence be known or you want to like pick up something that you left.
You're just in here to not pick up something that you left, which is what you tell me.
I'll be honest, you don't use half the toilets in here.
I think it's justifiable.
You got 20.
Austin will sometimes peek in while I'm streaming and be like, don't panic.
I'm just here to pick up something.
I'm not the police.
It's not.
And you're not even picking up something.
You're dumping something.
Yeah, what would he pick up?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Like, chaps think he's a messy bitch.
He leaves shit all the place, all over the place.
Sometimes I need to poop.
Okay.
I'm brave enough to admit that I poop.
Well, I do too, but just my pants.
So you're shit.
So wait.
So I was driving home and I was, well, I had to poop when I was here and I was like, I'm not going to poop.
And so then I drove home and traffic just kept getting longer and longer and longer.
And then I pull up to the house and you know when you pull up to the house, you're like, oh my God, I got to go.
Yeah.
So I run to the door.
Gingo and Ludwig changed the door code that day.
Oh no.
And they could.
They didn't tell me.
And so I'm sitting there.
I'm trying to get it in the thing and then I shit my pants.
Oh.
So yes, that's why I'm trying to get a colonoscopy.
That's not normal, Hassan.
No, no, no, no, cutie.
Cutie, eat it.
I mean, you're a freak, but all three of those things are.
No, she's not a freak.
Cutie, I've been shitting my pants a lot recently.
Really?
Yes.
Yes.
You're just saying that making me feel like I swear to God, no, it's because I've been taking so many antibiotics.
I've like, I, I, well.
Is it making you diarrhea?
Yeah, it makes you a lot of diarrhea because I keep getting strep throat.
Okay.
So I've been taking a lot of antibiotics.
You're more strep than throat at this point.
Okay.
Okay.
I need to talk about this real quick because I don't know what's happening.
Like my throat is just fucked up beyond belief.
And before anybody in the comments says, got to quit eating booty and all that stuff, I don't have any sexually transmitted diseases.
I went, I am routinely testing.
No one was going to say that, Austin.
No.
Well, no, they do.
I think in this circumstance, it's a bit valid considering how many times it gets.
So I'm talking to my...
This is the one instance.
No, I have my tonsils.
So, no, I've been talking.
I've been getting serious, and I think I may have to get my tonsils out because my tonsils are like, they're red all the time.
It's like Marilyn Manslin removing a rib to suck his own dick.
What?
That's crazy.
That feels like an escalation.
That's not for sure.
That has nothing to do with it.
You're removing tonsils.
So I can eat more ass.
No, that has nothing to do with it.
So tonsils get to a point where like the bacteria can just live dormant.
The strep bacteria can live dormant.
And then it can appear when you're like.
Oh, so your tonsils are fucked.
They're fucked.
I don't know.
I don't know.
So I talked to my mom and I was talking to her on the phone today.
And she said, Austin, you're eating so much ass.
No.
She didn't say that.
She says, Austin, well, you know, maybe if you didn't engage in so many of those activities.
Oh, my God.
She literally did say that, but politely.
No.
And she said no.
But I was like, mom, what do you mean?
And she's like, you know, if it hits the back of your throat all the time, you could, you, it could cause some irritation.
Austin's mama show, you're wrong.
He's not a service top.
No, no, no, no.
We can't.
He does not suck penis.
He does not give a lot of blojo.
I do, but she, she.
He's a much.
He's an ass eater.
I have not sucked dicks.
Well, hold on.
Now, first of all, I have before.
Okay.
But regardless, regardless, she was saying that she's like, she thought my throat was irritated because so much dick had been hitting the back of my throat.
That's crazy.
Yeah, which is a crazy thing to say.
And I told her I'd talk about it on the podcast today.
So, shout out to mom right there.
Did you tell her that you don't suck that much dick?
No, I told her I said that's not why.
I didn't go into detail because she felt uncomfortable.
You didn't tell her you don't know how to deep throat.
No, I did.
Come on, Hassan.
You've never deep-throated.
I have before.
I have.
You have not deep throat.
I have.
You would literally.
Next time I deep throat on FaceTime.
Okay.
You, if you deep-throated, you would go into a panic.
Would you accept that FaceTime call?
Sure.
Ugh.
Sure.
Would you really?
It's a momentous occasion.
Would you be like, Hassan, look, I would love to be FaceTime proof.
I would love to be there as your friend.
I would love to be there for you.
You would go, you would go, what the fuck?
It would be hilarious because you would immediately collapse into a panic attack.
You'd be like, I'm throwing up.
I think I'm dying.
This is my shrep throat has been activated.
Mama Show was right.
No.
But look, you know, to put a pin.
When's the last time you deep-throated?
Jesus Christ, cutie.
He would never, you would never ask her that question.
Yeah, because I don't remember.
Because Cutie Cinderella has a gag reflection.
When was the last time I did throat?
I have no game.
Cutie Cinderella has no gag reflex and she's a prime penis subject.
What day is she?
Thursdays?
She told us this.
Thursday, July 3rd.
The last time I did it.
Am I wrong?
You did not tell us.
I don't know what I said.
I say things.
Wednesday, June 2005.
I don't even know where I am.
Wednesday, June 20th.
You're such a liar.
I'm dead serious.
You're a liar.
I swear on.
You did not.
I swear on God.
You don't even know him.
I know.
Say it on someone you know.
That holds more weight.
You swear on Cutie Cinderella.
Don't.
That's not nice.
Whoa.
What the fuck just happened?
Oh, shit.
Will, I don't like.
You scared the fuck out of me, dude.
That was not nice.
Oh, no.
That was not nice of you.
Oh, geez.
You're breaking the.
Oh, God.
That was so scary for me.
Oh, my God.
We can't even talk about why it was scary.
Hey, hey, hey, calm down.
Kaya, calm down.
Oh, my God.
Kaya, no.
I hate you.
That's terrifying.
Oh, you needed a guest.
Shut up.
Oh, my God.
I am shaking.
That gave me all freaking little heart attack.
You freak.
Oh, you did the full makeup.
Kaya.
Get out of here.
Damn, it's a little hard.
Oh, my.
Oh, my God.
I was like, when I saw the outfit, I was like, oh, this is it.
Like, we're getting murdered.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
I literally was like, it's over for us.
Heart Attack Over Outfit Choice00:02:10
I hope they take us on first.
I was like, I'm shaking.
The only people that need to be afraid of me are Gotham's criminals.
Well, I figured your parents would have said something if it was an actual enemy.
Also, like an altercation outside.
Oh, that makes sense.
An altercation outside of a movie theater.
Wait, they went to see Mask of Zora and they were gunned down.
A monster.
Thank God.
They were gunned down in the streets of Gotham.
Thank God Hassan has no weapons.
We're also cornered.
There's no escape.
I was thinking to myself, I was like, I'm not getting out of this.
I completely froze.
I was like, I'm not good in this situation.
That came to fruition today, something beautiful.
Oh my god, that was awful.
And now you're protected.
Aren't you glad I'm here?
Thank you.
I feel so protected.
I do now because if you walked up again, I feel like you would take care of it.
Yeah, thank God.
This is coming off the heels of an unprecedented amount of death threats that I've been getting, more so than usual.
That's why I was like, oh, it's finally here.
All these years of being like, it's not going to happen.
Now I'm going to get killed by the corniest look.
Imagine I get killed by some guy in a Batman suit.
I mean, I think I look pretty cool.
No, you look cool, but in the what's crazy is the lights went out.
And I was like, wait, why is the electricity on out there?
Yeah.
I clicked the call.
That's what I thought had happened.
And Kaya barked at the exact same time.
I know.
I was like, I am not.
Yeah, Kaya's a little bitch for that.
I'll say it.
All I'm saying is, in the micro second that I was like, my aura ring, there was a brief, there was a brief moment where my life flashed before my eyes before I realized six months ago you planned this out.
Like in my mind, I just like when sometimes a hilarious bit turns into an unadvertent death threat.
Look, I'll be honest with you.
In this moment, I just realized I cannot serve.
Oh my God, look, my heart went up to 106.
Oh my God.
Oh, Jesus.
I'm shaking.
Serving While Being Gay00:15:50
Look, I realize in this moment, in this moment, I realize I could never serve in the U.S. military or be a because you're gay.
We must defend our privilege.
Well, welcome.
Batman.
Thank you.
You can always give me vengeance or vengeance.
Yes.
These chips are delicious.
Austin, do cats eat chips?
No, Will, they don't eat chips.
Are you crazy?
They eat smalls.
What that smalls is cat food for your cat.
That's right.
And let me tell you, smalls cat food is protein-packed recipes made with preservative-free ingredients.
You'd find in your fridge, and it's delivered right to your door.
Wheel.
That's why cats.com named Smalls their best overall cat food.
All right, for a limited time only, because you are on it.
Hold on, that's grammatically for a limited time only because you are an fear.
No, because you are a fear and all right.
For a limited time only, because you are a fear and podcast listener, you can get 60% off your first order of smalls plus free shipping by using code fear.
That's 60% off when you head to smalls.com and use promo code fear.
Again, that's promo code fear for 60% off your first order plus free shipping at smalls.com.
That's amazing.
Are you going to talk like that the whole episode?
I don't know what you're talking about.
I feel like it's going to be terrible on your voice.
This is how I talk.
Vocal cords.
Well, welcome, Will.
Who's that?
Batman.
It's Batman.
It's Bruce.
Bruce Wayne.
I don't remember what we were talking about.
What were we talking about?
Email Bruce Wayne.
I can relate to anyone about anything.
Try me.
Have you ever shit yourself, Batman?
Oh, yeah.
We were talking about Cutie Cinderella shitting herself multiple times.
And I was telling her that it's normal because I've been pooping myself recently, too.
The bat suit is actually very difficult to get off, so I wear a diaper.
Okay.
A bat diaper.
Am I a strawberry?
Yeah.
Be nice.
Go.
Austin and I went to brunch the other day.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you guys did.
Yeah.
I invited Cutie to drag brunch.
Why didn't you invite me?
Well, because I was testing the camera for when we go to drag brunch this Sunday.
I don't often go to brunch.
Are we still doing that?
Because I work nights.
Sure.
He said yes.
What?
Silly straw with Tinkerbell.
Will told me that you like gifts from Disney.
I do, and I love Tinkerbell.
Oh, wait, does it light up?
It does.
It's hard to see in the light.
Oh my gosh, I love her.
He's so good about that.
Yeah.
I was there with him and I still couldn't figure it out.
That's crazy because I'm really just a simple girl at the end of the day.
I thought you was sticker that simple.
Anyway.
Well, so Cutie and I went to brunch.
We went to drag brunch.
And okay, can I say something?
Yeah.
I don't super get it.
I know.
Well, I need help.
You know what?
It was a little queer for you.
How was it racing?
It was a little slow that day.
Was that what it was?
See, this is the thing.
What I've noticed about the gay community is like they, if something's happening, they all leave town together.
Right.
Like, it sucks the homosexuals out of town.
New York City Pride, Chicago Pride.
Like, everything was happening that weekend.
And so it was just kind of flat and a little slow.
I was a little shocked myself.
Yeah, because it was kind of weird because people were just like eating their breakfast.
And then just like a girl, a girly pop would dance and they'd just like lift up their money.
Yeah.
Give it to her.
Well, that's yeah.
But like they were just like eating their breakfast and they'd be like, here you go.
Yeah.
Like it wasn't like, woo!
Well, it definitely.
I didn't get it.
Yeah.
I've been to drag.
I've been to drag brunches in Miami.
I went to, there's a drag brunch called Palace.
And that is like a fucking show.
They have like it, they have like multiple seatings and it's like a show.
And they like get you in, clear you out, and it's crazy.
People are like screaming and passing dollars.
That's what I thought it would be like.
I mean, the girls were incredible.
Oh, yeah.
Every time the drag queen would drop into the splits, cutie would hide.
I'd flinch because she jumped so high and I knew it was coming.
It's called a death drop.
Oh my god, it was terrifying.
Every time I would flinch.
Just like when Batman drops on an unsuspecting henchman.
You mean me?
Yeah.
You don't have to talk about me in the third person right here.
I just don't feel like we're acquainted enough.
So I just keep referring to you want to get acquainted?
In the third person.
Sure.
Oh my God, you're so sweet.
I'm here.
I don't really care about the strawberries.
Fucking Superman movies coming out.
Fuck that guy.
Fucking sucks.
I want to watch it.
I don't.
Would you like to go see it with me, Batman?
Unlike my former best friend, Will Neff, who said we would watch 28 years later together and then awkward.
And then bailed on me and then went and watched it.
I'm sure he had a good reason.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The good reason is I've been replaced.
So I'm in the market for a new best friend, is what I'm saying.
You know, I used to have important people in my life.
But my life as Batman took up so much time that I lost them.
I think your life of politics is a lot like that.
Where you don't make time for people around you and they finally give up.
Oh my gosh, this is called Masking.
I learned about it in Nathan for you and it's when Autistic People something.
And then I explained it to Maya and then she was like, you got it wrong.
I think you're autistic.
And I was like, oh.
Is that how you found out?
I don't think you're autistic.
No, I am sorry.
I'm getting bat messages.
I mean, I've been told by like a psychiatrist.
But I think people are quick to throw it around these days.
I do too.
But it doesn't matter if I am or not.
But sometimes, like, okay.
So this is what I learned from Nathan for you.
When you say, I say, Austin, you're Mr. Honest.
Say what Mr. Honest would say.
Who's that?
That's amazing.
He still hasn't watched the Nathan for you.
That's literally about plays.
Does it care?
It's like the one thing you're into.
No, just Nathan for you.
Nathan Field.
Rehearsal.
Just listen to me.
You're playing a character.
His name is Mr. Honest.
He can only be honest.
Austin, what do you think of my outfit today?
I love it.
No, he wasn't honest.
Mr. Honest, what do you think of my outfit today?
Not Austin, Mr. Honest.
What do you think of my outfit today?
I love your outfit.
Mr. Honest loves my outfit?
I think it's cunt.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, no.
Mr. Honest has bad taste.
Wait, you don't like your outfit?
Look, I'm literally, I'm wearing fuzzy Birkenstocks with this.
It's a bad outfit.
You know what?
I wasn't being Mr. Honest.
I know, so be Mr. Honest.
I think he's too gay for this exercise.
Yeah, I don't think he's autistic.
He doesn't want to rip your outfit.
I can't do that.
Okay, whatever.
When Austin, I also think that's a good thing.
When he unleashes the gay, it's powerful.
It's a powerful force.
Like, he did this to some random Des Moines, Iowa lady at the Trump rally earlier.
He just being ruthless about how fast.
Okay, so he stopped me.
I don't understand.
Not to her face.
Not to her face.
Oh.
She was sitting behind him and she had a large, like, jowls.
I mean, it was excessive.
And I, look, I don't think that I don't fat shame.
I don't think it's nice.
But I make an exception for fascists.
Okay.
People that are fascists, I feel like we should be able to fat shame fascists.
Wow.
And she was fat.
She had multiple chins.
Like so many.
She was one chin away from guys.
He's gay.
Now be honest about Cutie's outfit.
Okay, so if you were Mr. Nice, what would you say about her?
If I was Mr. Nice, I'd say, ma'am, you need to get on a diet.
He doesn't understand the exercise at all.
He doesn't get it at all.
He's fucking me here.
I'll show you.
Uh-huh.
Do it with me.
Okay.
Give me a role and I'll respond honestly.
Well, you were already doing it.
So, Mr. Batman, what do you think about Hassan's lifestyle style and how he maintains best friends and friendship and how much energy he puts into his relationships?
He reminds me a lot of myself.
Unavailable, unresponsive, and driven by rage.
Dave?
That's healthy.
I know Hassan knows.
Maybe those are part of Will's real.
He also fucks a lot of questionable women.
Okay.
The same way that I do.
All right.
Well, maybe.
Selena Kyle.
Poison Ivy.
Wow.
Are those strippers?
No.
Those are quite a lot of them.
Those are.
Yes, of course.
I've seen Poison Ivy's awesome.
Yeah, she's hot.
Uma Thurman can get it.
I want a Uma Thurman.
Bury me.
I don't know that.
That's the one Fallout Boy song that any non-emo knows.
Are you a Fallout Boy fan?
I didn't know this about you.
I didn't know how to do it.
I used to be.
I used to be.
Well.
My very first concert was Sun 41 and Blink 182 and Good Charlotte.
They were touring together.
Wow.
It was awesome.
No.
It was their own separate tour.
And I was in, I want to say, fifth grade.
And I really thought they were going to choose me out of the crowd and just make love to me.
I just really thought they don't.
But I was really...
They fuck fans.
I just remember picking on my outfit and thinking, I'm really going to impress them.
I heard what was your outfit?
It was just like some boot cut jeans and a hoodie with an iron-on picture of a white tiger that got them all.
I'm sorry.
Something was in my throat.
I look beautiful.
I think, I'm sure you looked great.
Thank you.
And I'm sure, I'm sorry he didn't.
Well, never mind.
Well, anyway, that's the exercise.
What?
You try and take on the role of someone that you believe to be more honest or socially adapt than you are as an autistic person.
This is the act of masking.
Kind of like the mask I wear.
See?
Oh, so it's how they train them to.
I don't fucking get it.
Just watch the TV.
Just watch it.
I'm going to watch it.
It's really impressive.
haven't watched the one show about planes well i know y'all but i know a lot so much about them i feel like no no you'll love it no austin i started i started to watch it no you didn't oh you got bored i no no i got i got into it and then i fell asleep not because it was boring but because my edible hit it doesn't do it like holocaust documentaries for austin no doesn't really get the doesn't get him horny What do you mean?
Like zone of interest.
I don't get horny to those documentaries.
Y'all, this is one.
It was one time where it was paused in the background.
Zone of interest.
No, it was not.
It was zone of interest.
No, it was, but it was paused.
What was it, bawled on?
I don't remember.
Auschwitz.
Well, the whole thing is Auschwitz.
It's not funny.
Quit laughing.
All right.
It's a very strange movie to have sex to.
I didn't.
We weren't.
It wasn't the movie that turned us on.
It was just like, what, put whatever on.
I lost my virginity to walk the line.
Okay, sorry.
I thought we were sharing.
I'll go ahead and leave.
The Dewey Cox story.
No, Johnny Cash.
Oh.
How far into the movie were you?
Pretty far.
They were fighting.
Was it on in the background?
So it was during the time.
He would always say that I was his June and he was my Johnny Cash.
Oh, that's so problematic.
I know.
I didn't realize.
Well, it was because he was like 26 and well, at the time, he was 28 and I was 18.
That's so problematic.
A lot of problematic relationships.
I have.
Yeah.
I feel like if you didn't stream, you might be a super villain.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
I agree.
One time I was Harley Quinn for Halloween.
Harley.
Yeah, you want to see it?
Show me.
I looked really good.
Guys, be respectful.
I'm talking to Batman.
I was a hot Harley Quinn.
Batman, he's stealing.
Don't take her fruit.
I said, stop it.
Look at me.
Oh.
Oh, is that you with another problematic man?
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Wait, is that the Joker?
Yeah.
This was many years ago.
Can I ask you a question?
What?
Did you see the movie or did you cosplay it before you even saw the movie?
I cosplayed it before the movie came out.
I somehow knew that was the case.
Before the movie came out.
I've also...
Wait.
Before the movie ever came out.
There's a rumor that he also dated a girl that cosplayed as Harley Quinn before the movie came out.
And Will Neff got in a fight with her because I was really, well, he was really upset.
That totally other guy.
Because I don't think you should be able to cosplay media that you haven't seen or consumed.
Why?
Because that's weird.
It's not weird.
It's a little weird.
Why?
It's a little pick-me.
No, it's a little tryhard.
Batman is right.
I'm still being Mr. Honest.
I'm sorry.
No, Batman is correct because this was like a year before the movie came out when the trailer had come out.
That's probably when you did it as well.
Were you the one who forced the problematic man to also do the cosplay?
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Did you do a voice?
No, I was just me.
Can you do your New York accent?
Yeah.
Welcome.
Welcome to New York.
Hey.
Hey.
Why are you so bad at accent?
That is the worst, Harley Quinn.
Hey.
Welcome to New York, baby.
All right, Austin.
Oh, man.
Will, I've been noticing somebody's a little bit stinky.
Who's that?
Hassan Piker.
You know why he's not stinky?
You know why he's stinky, Will?
Is he not stinky?
No, is he stinky?
Sorry.
You've confused me now.
No.
I can confidently say he's stinky.
And you know why he's stinky?
Because he doesn't use Mando.
Oh.
That's right.
You know what he could benefit from?
What's Mando's 4-in-1 acidified?
What's Mando?
Cleansing bar.
Mando's 4-in-1.
What is acidifying?
Well, it's a shampoo, face wash, body wash, and deodorant all in one bar.
Can you believe it?
Guys, I'm going to tackle this one.
Listen, Mando, I actually use it.
This is one of our products that I absolutely adore.
I actually actually use it.
No, you don't.
I do.
Okay, well, then what's their main scent?
Mando.
Mount Fuji.
Literally named after your trip.
I use it every day.
It's a fantastic deodorant.
It's also a really good body wash.
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I love Mando.
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Come on, Azan.
Give us your New York accent.
Wild Card Body Wash Ad00:13:11
No, that's what I did.
Every time when people came up to me, I was like, what are you?
I'm like, I'm the Joker baby.
Somehow you guys don't even know the real lines.
You say something like pudding or Mr. J. I'm the Joker, baby.
It's a different character.
It's a different fucking character.
Also, Joker doesn't say that either.
It's a meme.
I'm happy we figured that out.
Well, what's going on else in our universe?
Or what else is going on in our universe?
I went to Disneyland yesterday with Will Neff.
I was not invited.
Hassan was busy.
Oh, shut the fuck up.
And you know what?
I tell you what, they really get you coming and going there.
I don't like the way you said that.
They really.
Well, not like that.
No, they got you on the hook.
Oh.
They got you on the hook.
Okay.
By the time I had passed the fire department, I had already spent like $700.
How?
Well, two park tickets.
Okay.
Yeah.
Then you need, you know, naturally, you got to go get some souvenirs and some sunscreen.
Wait, so you did get souvenirs, but not for cutie.
Just be honest.
Honesty is the best policy.
Be Mr. Honest right now.
God, the way she's looking at me looks so sad.
Did you give me anything?
So you bought yourself souvenirs?
If we're being completely honest, Will even reminded you to get something for cutie.
He explicitly stated it.
I'm a bad gift giver.
Well, it's hard to give a gift when you don't buy a fucking gift.
Wait, you can't say you're a bad gift giver.
Yeah, you're not giving any gifts.
I need to get better about this.
I like to give experiences.
So cutie, I'd like to invite you to my epic world.
Just give me a pickle.
I love their pickles next time.
I bought one.
I ate.
You're digging a hole.
I did.
I ate it.
The other pickles are done.
I'm going to pay attention to that and I'm going to bring you a pickle.
You're definitely 100% going to forget next time you go.
You don't know me.
I do know you so well.
I'd like to invite you to my epic Disney World vacation.
No, you haven't even planned it.
I'm going to have to do all the planning.
No, no, no, no.
I also don't want to get an airplane.
They keep falling out of the sky.
We're going to get a VIP tour.
I don't care.
I don't need one of those.
We've talked about this.
I'll rent you a bus.
I don't need it.
Okay.
Would you go with the business?
When you say planned, so you've scheduled things and booked things and made an itinerary.
No, So, what have you done?
I have, no, no.
None of it.
It's just invites.
Invites the cutie.
Asan and Will, would you, or Batman, would you like to go?
Feels like.
And Marsh is welcome as well.
Act of contemplation is somewhat masturbatory.
It is.
Okay, great.
Well, I have some stuff that we're going to do.
Brother.
Get into.
Okay.
First and foremost, unfortunately, Will's not here because he died to a self-suck injury.
We're commemorating that.
You can go find the shirt.
But I would love for him to react to this.
Oh, I forget.
Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
We talked about this before.
It's a show that is very near and dear to both me and Will.
God rest his soul.
God rest his soul.
Yeah.
And a fan made an Always Sunny in Philadelphia edit detailing how all of the characters are sometimes all the characters on this podcast.
So I wanted to react to that.
If all the characters are all the characters, then aren't we just people?
No, it's you're gonna make that face.
You're only explain your logic.
Because you can't be like, oh, you guys are just like this show.
Yeah, at every point in my life, I've probably been a character from Friends at one point.
That doesn't mean we're the Friends cast.
Explain what do you mean by that?
Like, sometimes I'm fashionable like Rachel.
Or like, sometimes I'm a clean freak like Monica.
Or sometimes I'm hippy-dippy and I sing to cats like Phoebe.
And sometimes I'm Joey and I'm dumb.
And sometimes I'm going to count their compilation.
You know, no, no, no, no, this is good.
Let's watch.
Wait, why are you, Batman?
Have you seen this already?
Yes.
Wow.
That's crazy.
There's 130 people.
I don't want them.
I'm a big fan of Fear End.
That's why I'm here.
And also to promote my book.
What's your book?
It's called A Very Vengeance Life.
Wow.
What?
Okay.
It has my sexual escapades in it.
Look at me when you're talking to me.
Shit.
The stakes are here.
Give it to me.
I'm trying to get it.
Give me, give me, give me, go, give me, Why are the brakes working?
Because I cut the bricks.
Wild card, bitches.
I think this is more.
I feel like we need more Will.
Because Will, you might not know this, but back in the day, he used to literally yell wild card and wild card bitches from time to time when he engaged in actions exactly like that one.
Wait, hold on.
And I think wild card, what would you do?
What?
Just whenever he did crazy shit.
Oh.
What were you confused about?
I thought he said bitches.
He'd say wild card bitches and then he'd do something crazy.
He doesn't get it again.
No, I get it.
I'm starting to realize how often he just doesn't understand.
No, I get it.
No, I don't think.
I get it.
What is it then?
Well, it's wild card bitches.
And then all of a sudden you do something crazy.
Yeah, you got it.
Right?
But I thought you were saying wild card bitches like you were using bitches in a derogatory manner.
And you would just find a woman and be like, wild card bitch.
You think I was saying...
Locker room talk.
Locker rooms and locker rooms.
You think I was saying that Will randomly will just burst into misogyny and bring a bitch and be like, this is my wild card bitch.
That's what I was thinking.
You guys had some wild days.
Austin, that makes zero sense.
Well, he's doing his best.
I'm doing my best.
And you guys are in a frat fraction crazy shit.
Thank you.
Thank you.
All right, next.
Dear Chase.
Oh, shit.
They're stickers.
My God.
Yeah, you sure do.
I want to make a chance.
I sure do.
What's he doing?
Shut up.
I feel like she likes that one.
I like that you're staring at me laughing.
Okay.
You are sweet D. Everyone says that.
I don't know what it means.
But let him work.
What are your summary likes?
Uh, ghouls.
Son of a bitch.
What are you talking about?
Funny little green ghouls.
What?
Like in movies and cartoons.
I realized something.
This is only really going to work for the two of us.
Because you haven't ever watched the show.
Oh, so you watch Always Sunday in Philadelphia?
Oh, for sure.
Just like Will Neff.
I need to de-stress after a long night of crime fighting.
Okay.
I don't.
No, it's going to make sense.
It's on Hulu.
Okay.
He can't even get himself to watch the fucking rehearsal, which is about his favorite thing.
Plane autism.
So I don't think he's going to watch Always Sunday in Philadelphia.
I watch two things on YouTube.
Hassan stream highlights and plane reviews.
Oh my God.
Okay, bring it back.
Give it back.
No, we're done.
No, give it back.
I saw it.
I asked for it.
It doesn't hit the same.
No!
I want to see it.
What's going on?
Okay, well, walk it.
We're going to walk it, watch it on the Patreon.
Well, what's going on in Girly Pop Nation is that Whine About It has broken up.
Oh, yes.
Why About It?
He said Whine About It has broken up.
But Whine About It hasn't.
Batman, can you move your mask?
Turn it around.
It's focusing the camera on the face.
That's funny.
Thank you.
So why about it?
I don't want to.
I don't think it's a breakup.
It's not a breakup.
It's just a, it's just a, it's just a new chapter.
Yeah, we're just going on different paths.
Yeah.
That's breaking up.
No, it's no, it's just a new chapter.
It's breaking up and then rebuilding itself like a phoenix rising from the ashes.
No, there was no, there's no breakup.
There was no breakup.
It's not messy.
It's clean.
Confirm or deny.
I was responsible for Wine About it breaking up.
Deny.
I'm not giving you credit for anything, idiot.
Okay.
So walk us through what you can tell us.
Okay, so first of all, Maya was being a big bitch.
Yeah, air out.
No, no, no.
It's not a big deal.
It's not a big deal.
You know, the thing is, let me tell you something about Maya Higa.
She is saving the world.
Okay.
And we have different goals in life.
Her goal in life is to save the world.
My goal in life is to make vagina jokes that make you giggle.
Okay.
And so.
My goal in life is to protect the streets of Gotham.
That's big.
We need that.
And so, so, you know, sometimes it comes down to, it's like, imagine PBS wants to put Maya Higa.
Piker Broadcasting Service.
No, like the actual PBS.
Piker Broadcasting Series.
Wants to put Maya Higa and Alveis on the TV, right?
They're like, you know, let's put you in front of the school children and the youths.
And they go to Maya Higa's Instagram and they see me being like, and then I got fucked by a toothbrush, you know?
What?
Have you been fucked by a toothbrush?
No, that's just an example.
Why did that come to mind?
Because Maya used that example.
What?
I don't know.
When did that happen?
I don't think that's it.
Why did that happen?
I know a girl.
That's a vibrating toothbrush.
Well, there was a girl in high school.
Remember those little juke phones?
Oh, the ones that played music in your mouth?
Yeah, but they're tiny and skinny.
They're called jukes.
There's a joke.
You put a juke phone in your pussy.
Not me, but a girl did.
And then she said she'd have her boyfriend call her.
Wow.
Cutie Blair Cinderella.
It wasn't me.
Wait, I've done that with a phone.
What?
You put it in your dick hole?
No.
Wait, stuck a juke in your head.
Did you put a phone in?
I didn't put a phone in my butt, but I...
It's okay, guys in jail do it all the time.
Wait, stop.
Long time ago.
What did you do?
Back in my youth, when you were experimenting, when I was experimenting, I sat on a phone and called myself.
That's awesome.
To feel the vibrations.
And you know what?
It felt really good.
Yeah.
It did.
Good.
It did.
You shoved a vibrating phone at the same time.
He sat on it.
He sat on it.
I sat on it.
So you sat on it.
Did you sit on it?
Vertically.
No, I didn't.
It didn't go in.
That's awesome.
It's okay if it did.
You've already come out of the closet.
Do you think I could fit a phone?
It wasn't that bad.
Back in the day, they were a lot smaller.
I know.
Oh, my God.
We should go asshole for asshole and see who can fit the most in their assholes.
Okay, look at me like I'm making horrible ideas.
That's crazy.
I'm sorry I came to the table with something interesting for once.
No, I think it's very interesting.
What is going on?
I just don't know whatever you just said.
Because I was trying to support Austin and his weird interest in shoving things up his butt.
I just thought a weird interest.
If it's a phone, it's a little weird.
I didn't shove a phone up my butt.
I sat on a phone.
It made me a little bit gut in my butt.
All right?
That's awesome.
I put a little bit of the phone in my butt.
My family is right outside.
Well, you left the damn door open.
My mom and dad can hear everybody.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
How did you call yourself?
Can you tell them it did?
Can you please tell them I'm sorry?
Can you say it is a single person?
Which phone did you call yourself with?
Did you use the Hello's phone?
No.
I don't remember.
It was one of those flip phones.
Yeah, but how did you call it once it was in your breath?
Like, did you get a track phone just to sit on it?
Did you tell a friend to call it?
You need to have a landline.
You called your personal mobile phone from the family landline.
So if like downstairs, your mom picked up the phone to make a phone call to order pizza.
He just heard your butthole.
She just picked up the phone.
Someone tried to use the internet while you heard rapid going, your asshole.
Austin, get off the line.
Your dad needs to make a work call.
Austin's crying from the bully.
I'm busy in here, mom.
I wasn't calling my asshole.
Well, you kind of were.
Yeah, who do you think was going to pick up?
We all go through crazy things, right?
I wonder what those voicemails sounded like.
Oh!
He started.
Laboo Boo Gold Reveal00:13:23
Here's the deal, y'all.
We're going to China in September.
That's right.
And I want to watch my Minnesota Vikings.
And I don't know how I'm going to do that.
Well, I've got an idea.
Have you ever heard of NordVPN?
Oh, yes.
NordVPN.
It's the NordVPN.
Fuck.
Oh, my God.
It's the VPN.
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Nora!
So your podcast is in a new chapter.
Your stomach hurts.
Mostly so Maya can keep saving the planet.
But then I found myself a new co-host that's not trying to save the planet.
Oh.
Yeah.
That is Valkyrie.
I don't know her last name.
So she can make Valkyrie son.
Pussy jokes with you.
Yeah.
Okay.
And she said she'll make she'll she will, if anything, she'll talk about her vagina maybe too much.
And I'll be like, Raina back.
I love that.
Yeah.
I don't know.
We haven't talked about vagina boundaries yet.
We just kind of agreed to do it together.
Is that a call that you guys have to make?
Like you just have to discuss?
Well, we did have how much vagina talk is allowed.
Yeah.
It's going to get we get raunchy on wine about it.
I love that.
Yeah.
I think we need more women raunching, being raunchy.
Yeah, we get raunchy.
We talk about it.
We said raunching and it was just very funny.
We talk about stuff.
You know, it's a good time.
So, you know, we're going to go to the moon and I'm going to leave you guys in my dust.
So for the wine abouters, the winos.
The winos who are in here.
They don't watch this show.
They do.
I don't know if they do.
I don't think they do.
Do you think they do?
I think it's a separate option.
When can they expect the first episode with you and Ray to drop?
Next Wednesday.
Wow.
Yeah.
Next Wednesday.
That was already filmed.
Do you guys have a guest?
No, it's just us.
We need to be just us for a little bit.
You're right.
We got to settle in before we have a kid.
Austin is trying to be in.
I was not inviting myself on in the slightest.
It is weird because it's a brand new, it's like a brand, it's brand new.
So we got to go through the roster.
Have we ever had you on one?
Not Batman, but.
Are you talking about Will?
Yeah, do you know him?
Do you know?
But he's dead.
Yeah.
Died sucking his own dish.
Maybe next time.
Maybe next time.
Which is why you should buy the merch.
Buy the merch.
Do you...
Hmm.
Never mind.
What?
What were you going to jump off of that point?
Sucking your own.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
You're not allowed.
No?
Nope.
Where did you think I was going with that?
Sucking your own penis.
You're going to talk about sucking your own penis and ask you if you've ever tried.
No, I wasn't going to ask.
I was just going to ask if he ever finished.
No one's finished.
No one's finished on themselves.
I was just asking when he dies, does he finish?
We never really got to that part of the...
Like chicken or the egg?
Oh, I see what your problem is.
You see what I'm saying?
Like, we never really got to that point of the canon.
The pleasure was so intense.
Is that what kills him?
Because we never really got to what killed him.
I think it's suffocation.
Asphyxiation, I got it.
By penis.
Well, that'd be crazier.
Wait.
Cutie Cinderella was talking about her TikTok feed breaking her brain.
And my TikTok feed has also been breaking my brain, but in the positive way.
He loves.
One of the new characters that I've found online that's taking up the airwaves by storm is this 24-karat gold laboobu woman.
Can you please look up TikTok 24-karat gold laboobu woman?
Because there's a plot line associated with her story as well.
Yeah, that one.
I have the woman only.
24-karat mode.
Lababe.
This woman only...
You have to find her OG account because all of her.
I think, wait, maybe the Taylor Lawrence 3.0 one might have the actual compilation that I want to show you that basically summarizes the whole shtick.
I suspect this will be it.
Yeah, I think this is it.
Yeah.
Her.
Play this with the audio on one and only 24 karat gold laboo boo.
I have the one and only 24 karat gold laboo boo, the one and only 24 karat gold laboo boo, this one and only 24 karat gold laboo boo, my 24 karat gold laboo boo.
Now I am now going to prove one of my favorite things is, it's very obviously like gold spray painted.
So throughout the videos they just get it gets nastier, looking more brown.
Anyway, keep going.
There's a big story, there's a big reveal to you that my 24 karat gold laboo boo, so my 24 karat gold laboobu.
So, as you all know, I am the proud owner of the 24 karat gold laboo boo, my 24 karat gold laboo boo, my 24 karat laboo boo.
I am the only person in the world to have a 24 karat gold laboo boo.
I own the only 24 karat gold laboo boo.
I can't believe it.
I've been out today and someone stolen my 24 karat gold laboo boo.
Get ready with me while I get ready to go to a new station about my 24 karat gold laboo boo.
Yeah, she got her shit stolen, so she's no longer the only person on the planet with a 24 karat gold lab crime.
The thing is the thing is you?
Your brain is rotten.
Wait what?
I don't get any of this.
That was fantastic.
Any of this stuff?
No, things that make you go British people.
Are they real?
That's what?
She's not English.
You need to have hypochondria.
Well, it'll convince you.
You have a brain amoeba.
Real quick, i'm good.
I would rather.
I would rather mainline this.
So I don't think.
I think she's Australian.
Kaya Bear oh, she's not Australian, she's British, is she?
She's so British.
Look at her face.
You can't just say that, oh, come on, you can't say that about people.
British people sometimes have a look okay yeah, they look like that.
I don't know what it is with.
Like, wasn't Australia a British penal colony?
Yeah but, but Australians are different.
They don't look like that.
I don't know why.
I thought she was Australian, me neither.
Do you think she's Australian?
No, Cutie is also the worst accents out of all of us here.
Early Laboo Boober, I have the one and only 24k.
Labibu no no, you had it.
You had a booboo, boo boo.
I actually have a laboo boo related story as well.
Oh, have you seen that people think that the laboo boo is a reference to the demon Pazuzu what?
No oh yeah, also the owner of uh the, the brand Laboo BOO owner, is now uh, one of the youngest billionaires in China.
I think it's crazy, that thing.
That thing is selling like hotcakes and I think it's done.
It got to such a degree.
Look at that oh, explain that.
Well, who's who?
Who's saying this?
Republicans, the people, just the people, just people are Republicans.
It seems like a Republican shit.
That's like, I don't even think he's Republican anymore.
It's just Americans literally are all collectively hallucinating at all points.
But people are burning their laboobus because of this.
Oh, really?
Really?
I only have like two, three, five.
What?
The one.
The fucking store doesn't carry laboobus anymore.
Every time you buy them, you open them yourself.
Yeah.
Well, Ludwig surprised me.
Ludwig surprised me with six boxes of laboo boo.
Wow.
Oh, he had to one-up me when I got you the fucking not laboo boo Disney characters from Pop Mart.
Yeah, I did open all them, but Will is the one that got me a laboo.
That's crazy.
Will got me my favorite labooboo.
It's on my mic.
Not this mic on my other mic.
Oh, on my other mic.
Mari, rest in peace.
Why are you diving her up?
You're Batman.
You're not Will.
Well, I'm sure she's grieving about the loss of Willie.
Sounds like a pretty stand-up guy.
I got my labo-boo.
I'll always remember him.
I don't have any.
What are you doing?
I'm just testing it.
Just seeing.
Testing McEvler.
Yeah.
See how protective it is.
Nice.
Oh, what the fuck?
The lights go up.
Yeah.
When you hit it.
Lights in the eyes.
So crazy.
Okay.
Speaking of TikTok, there's also another TikTok.
There's another tiktok that's like taking the world by storm.
Have you seen the Indonesian boat racers?
Oh, yes.
Damn, swag.
Yeah.
This is actually huge, in my opinion.
So there's a boat race that takes place in Indonesia.
Okay.
And I, I didn't, you know, I didn't realize this was a thing until we saw, it's called Pachuja Lord.
It's a traditional cultural Riau Indonesia boat race originated from the central western Sumatran region of Kwantan Singingi.
Okay.
Perfect pronunciation.
Thank you.
And apparently these boats have a fuck ton of rowers on them.
And in the back, they have a drummer.
And in the front, they have a swag lord.
They have someone farming aura.
Literally.
And this one is the top guy.
This kid is the top guy.
Let's take a look.
Oh my God.
I'm young, black, and rich.
She's trying to sell me luck.
Dude, he's so cool.
He kind of looks like my nephew.
Your nephew does not have swag like that.
He kind of looks like him.
Fuck.
Can he dance like that?
We got to put him on a fucking Indonesian boat ASAP.
I think so.
Are they judged based on the dancer?
It's a race.
It's a race.
I don't know if they get points for aesthetics.
I think he's like the hype man.
Okay.
But none of the racers can see him.
Like a mascot.
Coxwan.
What does that have to do with anything?
No.
A coxswain is the name of the person in the rowing boat that coordinates your rhythm.
So the correct terminology for it or for his position is called a tukong tari.
Perfect pronunciation.
Thank you.
It's a dancer in the front of the boat.
They give spirit to the oarsmen.
And in the back of the boat, you have a drums, like a drummer that's also like keeping them going to the beat of the drum.
Racetrack follows the flow of Batong Kwanton River with a track length of around one river with a track length of about one kilometer marked by six piles.
The wooden boat taking part of the competition usually has a length of 25 to 40 meters.
And the width of the middle section is approximately whatever.
It doesn't matter.
But the crews are 50 to 60 people on the boat.
That's a lot of freaking people.
I don't even have that many friends.
Yeah.
Yeah, so here are the crew members and their own tasks.
You have the helmsman.
You have the commander who shouts out instructions.
Another one who leads the boat by dancing from left to right, while another provides the music to provide rhythm and ensure regularity.
Jibz on commander.
Okay.
I'll be like, left!
Yeah.
You don't have to row as the battle.
I'll be the drummer.
I can't do the aura farm.
Boat Crew Behind Paywall00:03:01
I can't do that.
I can't do the row.
Well, then you're going to have to be the dancer because Will's.
I'll just be like maybe a coordinator outside of the boat.
You only have to choose a spot.
Oh, I have to choose a spot on the boat.
Yeah, you're going to have to be a drink.
Are you the dancer?
I'll be the boat's moral compass.
Okay.
Well, then you're going to have to be the rower.
I could probably do that.
Well, you just said.
You're very wooden.
Okay.
Is that the robot?
Yeah.
The boat would sink.
We'd be cooked in a situation like that.
I just wanted to look at the boat farm.
I just wanted to give a shout out to the fucking dope-ass aura farming little man.
Shout out to that little man.
Shout out to that little man.
Okay.
Really loud in your house.
I know.
My parents are here and they're always yelling and having a conversation right near me at all different.
They kind of seem to not give a shit at all about this podcast.
No.
They don't care about you.
They're doing their best.
They're doing their best.
My dad is doing an expletive.
Did he scare you when he walked in like that?
He says, What is wrong with you?
Sorry, Anay.
Well, because I heard, when he walked in, I heard, oh my God.
And I was like, oh, it's over.
It's the end.
She loves me.
Pretending.
I just said that to be mean.
I didn't mean it.
Oh, that Kaya's pretending.
Batman, did you bring an American Me Up segment?
We're out of time.
Of course I did.
Behind the paywall.
Well, we're going to stay behind the paywall then.
Thank you, Batman, for coming on.
Batman, where can people find you?
They don't have to.
They'll find them.
Go find them.
Also, I just want to say shouts out to the big, beautiful Bill.
It's really helping out billionaires like me.
Yeah, now when you beat a mentally ill criminal, they won't even get any health care.
That's just this.
All right.
Marsh, can you go check on the Batmobile?
I think I might have parked in a loading zone.
Thank you.
Buy the t-shirts, please.
Buy the merch.
And we'll see you behind the paywall at patreon.com slash fear and peace.
We should play this something.
Something I'm talking about.
The song from Batman, dude.
This is a cutie Cinderella lore drop I've never shared with you.
Are you ready?
I'm ready.
Oh god.
Do you have a slideshow for us?
No, I thought about making one, but then I had chaos happen this morning, unfortunately.
Okay.
Picture this.
Ninth Grade Skinny Jeans00:00:35
I'm in ninth grade.
Freshman in high school.
I'm beautiful.
As always.
I was actually really unattractive.
But it doesn't matter.
Thank you.
I needed that.
Ninth grade me needed that.
It was rough.
But this is the year that skinny jeans were super in.
Okay.
Not only skinny jeans, but the bright colored skinny jeans.