Will, Austin, and Cutie confront the "Yard Boys" with an impossible challenge amidst chaotic banter regarding their upcoming Japan trip. They dissect personal traumas, including Will's fox-smashing childhood memory and Austin's Playboy model hookup in West Hollywood, while debating gay identity and sexual mechanics like the winged flying euro. The group mocks their own disasters, from a 59-minute failed video maneuver to ear-clogging olive oil, ultimately revealing how their wild dating histories and explicit Patreon content blur the lines between humiliation and intimacy before they depart. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
|
Time
Text
Real Game Suffering00:14:52
Are we live?
Most important story.
I'm a level away from being level 100 in Diablo.
Thank you guys.
They've all been building me up.
Well, we have completely lost you.
We have completely lost you.
You came in and I thought you were naked underneath that.
I am.
You've barely showered.
We were in a group chat talking about the podcast today.
We were talking about it yesterday and Will woke up at five o'clock in the evening and was like, what are we doing?
That's because I went to bed at 11.
What is, are you okay?
No.
You need help.
I think he's trying to get on Lilith's toes, which is the most honorable thing in manga.
Not even Lilith's toes.
Can I tell you, guys?
What is it?
If I've ever succeeded in my life, it's because I am the genius of suffering.
I am Rock Lee, right?
The genius of hard work.
Yes, exactly, but in my own way.
And no matter whatever came in, guys, in general, we need to dial at the fucking on this podcast.
We have to stop getting so distracted.
We are like kittens.
I watched an episode and it was nigh unwatchable.
Wait, last episode, the one before that was insufferable.
I can't hear from my life.
What the hell?
You're a medical disaster.
I don't know.
You're falling apart.
I don't know what's going on.
For those of you stealing my snacks.
Oh, see, look at this.
For those of you at home, Hassan's allergic to his dog.
I don't know if that's the case.
It seems like it might be, but only, I'm hoping her breed only sheds a lot twice a year, and she just started shedding.
But then it stops.
He can't hear.
He can't hear.
He's got a rash.
He's got a rash.
Earlier here, a little bit.
Out there.
Out there, I was like, he's like, is Kaya barking?
I can't hear her.
And she was barking very loudly.
He's like, can you check?
See, my dog's barking.
Hassan, I think we've come to the point of our life in any good romance story where we just need to kill each other.
What?
No, I think...
No, no, no.
I'm like, you guys kill each other?
Yeah, murder, suicide.
Wait, who would do the murdering?
I'd hope.
Murder, suicide.
I hope he'd kill me.
No.
And then you would, okay, you would, and then you would kill yourself?
Yeah, but I wouldn't kill him and I wouldn't kill myself either.
I think Will would be a failure.
If you asked me to kill you, I'd kill you.
Yeah, but really?
You know what my mom always asked me?
Like, she's always like, if I ever get infirm, dude, you have to kill me.
What does infirm mean?
Like, if she can no longer function, you have to kill me.
Will you?
I mean, it's her, it's her, it's a want.
What are you going to do?
Put a fucking pillow, though?
Like, you just, you just need for that.
I'd Viking funeral.
I feel like your mom would fight back.
Yeah.
She's a strong lady.
Like, she'd, she'd tell you to kill her, but she'd put up a fight.
She's tough.
She's just tough lady.
She's just such a barbarian.
I can't wait to meet her.
But she's got like potato farmer hands like Will.
Yeah.
But anyway, if I ever achieved anything, it's because I am good at suffering.
And I went into this knowing it was going to be suffering.
I didn't know how much suffering it was going to be, but I think it's going to feel really good when I'm done.
Because I'm going to remind myself I am capable of going to that other gear.
Talking about a video game.
You do it.
It's cool.
No, I won't because I know what it takes.
I'm not trying to.
It reminds me.
This reminds me when Hassan was obsessed about role-playing.
Yep.
Oh, no pixel.
Oh, yeah.
It was awful.
When Lyle had to pull me aside and literally have like a man-to-man, like one-on-one intervention where he was like, dog, vaccines are coming out.
He's like, he literally was like, he pulled me aside.
He's like, dude, you have been portraying yourself as an Italian man for more hours in the day than not.
And you started to talk like that.
Yeah.
Outside of it.
And he was like, because, like, well, I was doing it for 13 hours on camera.
You started to dream.
Yeah, I was dreaming in GTA.
And he was like, listen, dude, you're fat.
You've gained a lot of weight.
You haven't fucking moved around.
You were a big boy.
You seem very upset all the time.
His mom was also sad.
Yeah.
Yeah.
His mom was like genuinely sad at his lifestyle.
Well, she was like, well, she was facilitating it with trees.
Well, she didn't know what else to do to help you.
But to bring you Turkish collectibles.
I was fucking, I was so, I, God, I was so depressed.
Your mom, his mom is the biggest ally on the face of the planet.
Oh, my God.
Why?
Because she unconditionally supports you.
She unconditionally supports me.
I am so good with parents.
It's unbelievable.
I turn them against their own children.
And that's what I've done with Hassan.
I'm working on your dad slowly but surely.
No, he's too homophobic.
Okay, so is your dad truly homophobic?
No.
Okay, because like I've talked about some real gay shit.
Well, it doesn't.
And he pretends like he doesn't.
My dad is a gay friend in Turkey, which is like super rare.
Yeah.
One of his like old friends in their friend group is gay.
Yeah.
And he once told me a story about like how his gay friend described gay sex to him or sex between men.
How did he describe it?
Yeah.
So apparently they got in a circle and they asked him, so what's up with this shit?
Like you take it up the ass, right?
They got in a circle?
Yeah, because they were like trying to understand.
Donut on the floor.
So like, what's going on?
Yeah.
And he taught me this very valuable lesson where the gay man who's friends with him, I don't remember what his name is, put up his pinky and he went, take your pinky, you put it inside your ear and you scratch your ear.
Is it your pinky that's the most pleasurable part of that?
Or is it the inside of your ear that feels better?
Like, that's why I take it up the ass.
God damn.
I've never heard of this.
That's interesting.
Yeah.
So your dad's been that message to me fondly.
Is that how he taught you that being gay was okay?
No, I already did not.
I was more progressive than my father to begin with.
Are you okay?
But that was him.
Yeah, that was him explaining.
Yeah, that was him explaining it to me.
That like, that's why he gets it.
Also, for the record on the podcast, speaking of gay, I want to address the rumors.
All right.
Rumors.
Hassan.
Hassan and I aren't married and we don't have a child together.
I'll be very clear.
This is every episode now.
I want to be very clear.
You see this last episode.
You do not have two beautiful children.
No one thinks that.
You bait the stands.
That's what you do.
He wants fan cams.
He wants to.
Look, we don't have three beautiful children.
The number of children keeps going up.
He's just, yeah, he's baiting.
Enough of his nonsense.
He's queer baiting for me.
It's weird.
Like, he's the gay guy who's queerbaiting me a straight man.
I don't know what he's talking about.
I just clearly said we're not.
This is the only type of queer baiting she's.
Definitely not for beautiful children.
For beautiful children.
Impregnated Austin.
Cutie.
Yeah, I really do too.
Everybody demands cutie.
I demand.
What do you mean?
Shut up, Austin.
We want cutie so we can talk over you as soon as you start explaining stuff.
Yeah.
Cutie, I'm going to give you a hipster check real quick.
What's your favorite Super Nintendo game?
Dr. Mario.
Wow.
Put me in my place.
Hold on.
Cutie, why don't you talk about what you want to talk about and not let a man decide what you want to speak about?
Austin fucking guy.
I know.
He wanted to call me the F-Slur if the camera was off here.
I'm hungover because I was cheating on Fear Ann yesterday with wine about it.
And I, it's going to be our most edited episode.
Those boys.
They're wild.
Aiden, Nick, Slime, and Ludwig.
Oh, you had.
Oh.
You get them some booze and the yard, you mean?
What happened?
We had an episode of the yard.
Oh, that's cool.
That Fear Ann has done zero.
Fear and is on zero collaborations.
I'm going to call out.
I'm going to call out the yard.
I'm going to call out the yard right now.
Do it.
You have 30 days, yard, to collaborate with us, or you all have to give me a blowjob.
Jesus.
Wow.
Seconded.
That's a real win-win for you.
Okay.
Thanks.
We all agree.
Yard.
Yard?
Are we not in the basketball game?
Nope.
Fuck the basketball game.
That's a collab.
What kind of collaboration?
Is the collaboration also them giving you a blowjob?
The collaboration has to be.
You guys suck my dick if they don't collaborate.
They've got 30 days to respond from the moment this podcast comes out.
Take it or leave it, Yard.
They're going to leave it, Austin.
No, they leave it.
Well, then they have to.
And then they have to give him a blowjob.
That's the rules.
Take it or leave it, yard.
He gave or forever be shamed by you.
By their fans.
Their fans are going to.
Their fans are not going to be able to do it.
They're going to rally around us.
They don't watch.
For all you know, the yards fans are homophobic and they're like, stay away from us.
Yeah, they probably, yeah, they probably watch mogul mail and they're like, oh, this is my favorite right-wing YouTuber.
Did Mogul Mail do a story on Nick Mercks?
I don't think so.
Wow.
Wow.
Shocking silence.
Ludwig's silence on the matter is deafening.
First, they came for the game.
I assure you he's an ally.
He's got 15 days to do a Nick Mercks mogul mail.
Give me a blowjob.
Awesome.
He wants a blowjob.
Interesting how Ludwig has read the room and saw the metric fuckton of hate his girlfriend and everyone in his orbit were getting and chose not to do a mogul mail on the homophobic drama.
Did get his skin removed, though, so that was brave of him.
Oh, yeah.
Ludwig's kid.
So what was the, as a powerful woman in the space, surrounded by all those men?
What was it like?
What the fuck?
What are you even asking?
Aiden had four glasses of wine.
He took it like a champ.
That's what you want to hear.
Oh, what are you talking about here, cutie?
I love Aiden so much.
I know.
Can I give you a wine about it idea?
Yes.
Have you ever done a tour de Franzia?
Uh-uh.
My favorite wine drinking event.
Get two stationary bicycles.
Fuck my yard guys here.
I got to go pay the yard.
Oh, God.
Wait, Ludwig's here?
Hey!
All right.
The contractors who made the backyard into the beautiful turf paradise.
It is.
You get it.
You're rich.
All right.
Tour de Franzia.
What's up?
Tour de Franzia.
I think we should do a yard versus Tour de Franzia.
What you do.
Yeah, it's a wine about it episode.
Okay, guys.
Well, and me.
Two stationary babies.
So Maya's the host, essentially.
Yes.
Two stationary bikes.
Uh-huh.
Teams of four.
Yeah, but Nick and Slime don't drink.
Pussies.
Well, then the other two have to drink for them.
Whoa.
Okay.
So the way it works is you're on a stationary bike.
Okay.
And you can only drink while you are pedaling at max difficulty.
So your team has to drink an entire bag of Franzia between and you just rotate off.
Oh, it is good.
Dude, 15 ounces are in a bag of wine.
Enough to get you friggy, riggity racked up.
Dude, I...
Kind of awesome, though.
I had maybe four drinks last night.
What did you do last night?
I went to a gay bar, a couple of them.
Jesus.
2.5 liters.
That's awesome.
I went to a gay bar and I'm a big old bag of wine.
I was going to have a really easy night last night.
So I said a friend, I said, let's go just get one drink right next to the Abbey at Tom Tom's.
There's a place called Tom Tom.
There's got to be another bar besides the Abbey.
I don't know why.
I keep going back.
I don't know what to tell you, but I heard through the Grapevine that the Abbey is tacky and real gays don't go there.
There was a lot of real gays there last night.
I was told that the only real gay tourist gays go there.
I did meet many people from all over the country.
He's a new gay, cutie.
I don't know.
You have to find the hipster gay.
I'm in a point in my life where I just don't want to go to straight bars.
It's boring.
Don't.
That's fine.
It's boring.
No one said to do that.
I'm just telling you to hang out with the hipster gays.
Yeah, but he doesn't.
I'm going to be honest.
He doesn't yet know where those gay niches are.
Like I do.
The gay underground.
Like, you don't want to go to foo bar.
That's bears.
That's not your market.
Okay.
You don't want to go to Gold Sun or Gold Coast because that's old.
Where do the twinks hang out?
You've got to discover that for yourself.
Fun.
Wait, can you take me?
I can.
I feel like you know it's like some underground species.
There's just a hidden crop of twinks.
They weigh you before you go in.
Everybody knows you for some reason.
I come and just bang on a wall.
Hey, Will.
Hey, Will.
Just like the fucking, we were at the Abbey and this dancer who I had a big crush on, knew Will.
He like talked to Will.
He like knew Will.
I used to live on Rainbow Road.
Like I was in West Holly.
You were right there.
Dude, I loved it, man.
The best food.
The people are all super friendly.
They're really supportive when you work out.
Yeah.
It's very true.
So what did you do at the Abbey?
I danced a lot and I drank.
I had two tequila shots, some sort of very powerful mixed drink at Tom Tom before that.
And then I had a vodka sprite and I was hammered.
I was so gone because I didn't eat anything all day.
That'll do it.
And I also had a few mimosas on the plane earlier in the day.
And I was just hammered.
And I was, dude, I don't even know what happened.
After that, I got back to my hotel.
I ordered Klux and chicken or whatever, a chicken quesadilla, woke up, fell asleep, woke up to the door pounding, ate like three bites, and then passed out.
Slammed some ghost kitchen quesadilla.
I was, I found God in the morning.
I was, I converted to Christianity.
I was so dude.
I know those hangovers.
It was bad.
I didn't know what to do.
Have you ever had one of those flop sweat hangovers?
Oh, yeah.
It lasted a whole day.
I actually, it was tequila.
That's why I don't drink tequila.
Can I tell you, this is actually the craziest thing.
There is a hangover remedy that I believe in.
And it used to be a wives tale of mine.
And then apparently science came out and backed it.
The Tequila Hangover Cure00:04:01
You can look it up.
Asian pears.
Oh.
I used to get a box of them at the Walmart in North Carolina.
North Korea.
Yeah, I went to college in North Korea.
My brain's frying.
No, but I...
Yeah, see?
See?
So this was like a wives tale that I believed in.
I told all my friends, I was like, Asian pears, I don't know what it is.
And then the science came out.
And they say it can actually help.
Have you ever had an Asian pear?
No.
They're fucking de lazioso.
It's like an apple.
Where do you get them?
Walmart.
Wow.
I don't know why.
I think I was really drunk one night.
I was walking around a Walmart and I saw a fruit that looked like it existed in a Dr. Seuss book.
And I picked it up and just took a bite and I was like, that is Elizios.
It tastes like an apple, but it has the consistency of a pear.
Oh, weird.
That's amazing.
What's your hangover remedy?
What did you do today?
Nothing.
I'm hungover.
I drank.
I don't feel well.
I got liquid IV, which is great.
Those are good.
And then I took four Advil, which is probably not legal.
Yeah.
Did you drink any Pediolite?
Liquid IV instead.
That's same idea.
And then I pounded water and then I went to dialogue and had a nice breakfast burrito, a little bit of toast, a little bit of cappuccino.
That's bad.
They know me there now.
They know me.
Dialogue?
I've been there like three times.
I think dialogues is one of the best breakfasts in Los Angeles.
It's amazing.
It's really good.
I sat there alone and I ate and it was delicious and I cured my hangover.
One time I drank too much tequila and I was at a bachelorette party.
The only one I've ever been invited to.
That wasn't a Mormon one.
What are Mormon bachelorette parties?
Oh, they're awful.
I love my sister to death.
I have to preface.
But at her bachelorette party, which was, I believe, a Disney movie night, if I recall correctly.
Oh, my God.
Everyone gave her lingerie and stuff.
Oh, awkward.
Because they don't lose their virginity until their wedding night.
Did she wait?
Of course.
But she asked me and her best friend if guys' penises are the same as dog penises, where it like comes out.
And we were like, oh, no.
And you told her, yeah.
Yeah.
I was like, good luck, Mara.
And she was pleasantly surprised when it wasn't a dog dick.
Yeah.
Okay, so I saving yourself till marriage, that's got to be a miserable experience.
What if it doesn't work out?
To be honest, it's like, you know, you know what I think about it?
I used to think that way.
But then I started to think.
Pretty girl.
Have you ever seen the videos of like a baby the first time it tries like vanilla ice cream and it's like because I have vanilla ice cream and I'm like, this is fucking trash.
But to that baby who's never experienced the magic and the mystery.
Yeah, maybe it makes your relationship last longer.
Yeah.
Because you don't know what you don't know what's bad.
Right.
You just associate all those sexual.
Listen, it could go either way.
I'm just playing devil's advocate.
I don't fucking know.
That is true.
If I stayed with the first guy I had sex with, I would have never known how bad he was at sex until I got the second guy.
Yeah.
That's so good.
Yeah.
I'm not a virgin.
Oh.
40.
Oh, wait.
Those who waited until marriage expressed 22% more stability and 20% higher satisfaction rate.
Yeah, because they have to.
Okay, CatholicMatch.com is.
Thank you, CatholicMatch.com.
The most reputable source for a relationship.
Catholic match.
And it's only 20%.
Wait, one of those said says BYU.
What does that say?
Well, we should trust them.
I'm going to be honest.
I think the future is polyamorous.
I think the future is like a five-person couple.
I love that idea, right?
You come home, your friends are all jealous.
Waiting Until Marriage Stats00:05:49
Hi, guys.
You and I are the same guy.
You know, you're feeling someone that week.
Hey, let's go on a date.
Blah, blah, blah.
Come home.
You're snuggly with someone else.
Yeah, we just have to eliminate jealousy from society.
Yeah, okay.
So I'm actually, I've learned something about myself in the last several months.
I think I'm a monogamous person.
I'm serious.
So brave.
I think one day I want to find a man.
I want to settle down.
Yeah.
I want to have four beautiful children.
Yeah.
I'm dead.
Serious as a heart attack.
Stop looking at Hassan's empty chair.
I want to settle down.
I want to have four to five beautiful children.
And white picket fence life.
Calm, peaceful one man for the rest of my life.
Really?
And maybe the occasional threesome.
I think I eventually would like to.
My goal in life is to mentor children.
I think even if I don't have my own, I would like to be at like maybe a school somewhere or something where I can son.
We've been here for like you were here in the beginning.
Are you about to swab your ear with Tito's vodka?
Because she was watching the stream.
Oh, I don't like this.
Oh, that's not the way.
No, that's the wrong type of alcohol.
I mean, white vinegar.
You can do that.
Oh, do it.
It's great.
Or olive oil.
It loosens it all up.
I mean, listen, Champ.
If you feel strong, if you feel strongly that you need Tito's vodka in your ear, that's what you need.
Yeah, we didn't need to stop him.
Yeah, why did it?
Now he's making a fucking salad in his ear.
He's making some vodka pasta in his hair.
Oh, he's going to clog up his ear even more.
Olive oil is good for it.
You'll sit there and you let it.
So guys, are we going to talk about the fact that Hassan might have to rehome his dog?
I think once she's vaccinated, he could just get her de-shedded.
Weird that Kaya is against vaccines.
Wait, we should strip her and maybe we can get her laser hair removal.
Oh, if you get her deshedded, she's not going to be able to get it.
She hasn't said as much.
That's what we have to do.
We have to get Kaya laser hair removal.
That's absolutely not.
Hassan is not even here.
It's extra virgin olive oil.
Perfect.
You're just going to take like the cap and just kind of pour it in and then you're going to sit there with it for like three minutes.
I like to call it loser.
No, you don't need what are you doing?
That's not enough.
Lube in it.
No, you got to pour it in there and then pour it out.
Wait, like pour it into your ear.
Okay.
Audio listeners?
He's.
Oh.
Is it working?
San, you're too deep.
You need to go to a doctor.
Does it work?
Well, we'll find out if it fucking loosens it up.
No, you got to feel it.
You got to pour the bottle.
That sounds insane.
Marsh, Google it.
Olive oil in your ear.
My dad used to do it to me.
White vinegar is what I used to do.
That bubbles.
My dad and I both have deformed tunnels.
Two or three times a day for two to three weeks.
Just go see it.
I don't do two.
It's your son.
Hassan, I know you don't like capitalism, but take advantage of your wealth and just buy, get a doctor to come to your house on stream.
Great content.
No doctor.
Your nose and throat doctor is good content.
He needs a dermatologist too.
Yep.
Yeah.
And yeah.
Wait, you're going to Japan like in four days.
I think we need to cancel the trip.
You need to put your health first, Hassan.
This rat is doing anything he can to get out of going to Japan.
Bro, I, I, you know, it's great.
I haven't thought about it at all.
And usually I get tripping.
Look, yeah, you've been absorbed with Diablo.
Let me tell you something about Japan that I'm actually more excited for.
The onsen.
Whatever.
What's that called?
You guys will be in Japan when this comes out and they will have seen your dick.
The naked sauna.
Now you've come around.
But no, because I talked to, I talked about this last week on the podcast.
You can actually cover your pee-pee with a little rag.
Stop.
And Austin, just stop talking about being insecure about PP and turn it and be like, I'm excited for the onsen because it's going to be fun.
And so then right now they're all thinking about yourself.
I told Hassan.
What do you think about your pee-pee?
I told Hassan that you guys are going to bully me and then I'm going to get hard.
Yeah, I told him that we were going to fucking bully him physically.
You're going to bully me physically and then I'm going to get hard.
I'm going to get hard and awkward.
I've been fantasizing about getting hard.
See, this is my strategy.
I'm going to make them so uncomfortable.
I'm just going to start.
They're not going to be uncomfortable.
They'd just jerk off onto their leg and they'd come back with a story for the podcast.
What if I chased you while I was jerking off it?
Would you?
Would you then literally never do that?
I'd beat your ass.
Would we still be friends if I came on both of you?
My fucking dad watches this podcast.
Does he?
I'm so sorry, Mr. Neff.
My ear is full of olive oil.
Okay, Hassan.
You're true.
You gotta put a little bit of a dripping olive oil out of your ear.
You can put a cotton ball or a wad in there and just let it sit in there.
How far are we into this thing?
We are triaging Hassan.
Oh my God.
Hassan, you haven't spoken one time.
We have had three podcasts in a row now.
We just don't focus at all.
It's a problem.
Are people mad?
I've been trying.
Torturing Disabled Ants00:06:10
Uh-huh.
But I, Hassan, your wear is not going to unclog.
It's weird.
You can't hear shit.
I was trying to talk.
Go ahead, Will.
Oh, it's fine.
Would you still like us if we were all worms?
I give a shit.
If you were all worms?
But like, he is an ugly, stupid worm.
Oh, fuck you.
The gay ass worm.
The dumbass worm.
Fuck you.
You can't even keep him on your shoulder.
He just rolls off and you're like, oh, this worm is inconvenient.
A limp worm.
But like, the rest of the five hearts.
So do they have a deeper capacity to love?
That'd be nice for me.
I'll be honest.
I feel like one heart is enough for you.
I don't feel anything ever.
You love us.
I think you feel too much.
That's why you shut it off.
Whoa.
If I died in front of you, would you care?
I would add more trauma to me, and that'd really suck.
Oh, so it's selfish of me to die in front of you.
Why would you inconvenience you?
My mom accidentally stepped on it when she was a kid and she took it inside and tried to band-aid it back together.
Can I kind of cute?
That I've never told anybody.
Gosh.
When I was out in my backyard, I was playing in my sandbox and I saw a little ant.
Oh, yeah, it was a little ant.
I picked it up, looked at it, and I started picking its legs off.
Ew, what is wrong with you?
You serial cut.
And I felt so guilty.
I put it back.
I let it go.
You crippled the ant permanently.
The rest of the colony probably looked at it.
I've never forgotten that moment.
And that was a crossroad.
I could have become a serial killer.
What if I would have liked that?
Yeah.
I think there is that.
I think that is a defining moment in your child.
Have I ever told you guys the fox story?
I don't know if I want to know.
I was forced to kill a fox.
Oh my God.
I'm sad.
I had a kid.
I had a dog as a kid, a Jack Russell Terrier named Bandit after Johnny Quest.
After who?
Johnny Quest.
And Bandit.
How many people know this about Jack Russells because they're very cute, but they're like one of the premier hunting dogs.
Yeah, they get like rats and shit.
Yeah, they go super jackal mode whenever there's like a rodent around them.
And they're like, you can't control them.
So I was playing tennis when I was like 10 or 11 years old with a friend.
And I hear my dog going crazy, absolutely going nuts in the woods.
And he's like yelping and barking.
Oh, that was stressful.
So we go out into the woods and my dog is in like the tail 30 seconds of a deathmatch with a fox and there is blood everywhere.
Oh my god.
My dog is bleeding.
He's like barely standing up.
The fox's like eyeball is hanging out.
It's pouring blood.
Fox had hands.
Yeah, dude, it was a deathmatch.
So like this fox was on death's door and like they were just wrapped around each other.
And as a 10 year old, I had to pick up a rock and smash this fox to bits.
Jesus Christ.
And then after that, I picked up like my dog whose like legs wouldn't even work.
And I like held it and I was covered in blood.
Yeah, I killed him.
No, I walked him home and we took him to the vet and like he took him like two or three weeks to recover.
But I actually got mange from the wolf or from the wolf from the fox and so did my dog.
Wait, what's the mange is like, yeah, yeah.
God damn.
Yeah.
And it was like, it was like one of the, it's like one of those memories that is like, I can still feel the sun on my skin.
I can still like smell what it was like in Princeton that day.
Oh my god.
Because it's like such a hard thing.
That's so traumatic.
I can't imagine.
Oh, God.
Hasn't you ever killed anything?
No.
I've never killed a thing.
No, me neither.
I mean, I've killed like, I've killed plenty.
I can't even kill bugs.
Nothing like, you let them go.
You can't fucking own bugs.
No, I can't do that.
No, I have to let them go.
Get plenty of bugs.
Step flies.
Killed lizards.
Kill lizards, you sick lizards.
Not on purpose.
I was just trying to pick them up.
What?
I've stepped on him.
I've poured salt on snails before.
What is happening?
I don't know if there's been many times that I've like just killed an animal out of cruelty, though.
No, I mean, what?
Salt on snails is cruel.
We all have to learn.
It's like putting a hand on the hot stove.
Watching it.
Have you guys never tried to pick up lizards?
No.
Only one one of these.
I stumbled on it.
No, no, no.
I've tried to disintegrate.
Is this an instant?
Yeah, I used to try to pick up lizards and their tail would dislocate.
Well, that's a normal tail.
I know.
I know.
Which I thought was cool.
And when I was chasing one, I stepped on it and killed it.
But other than that, I don't have any formative memories of murdering animals.
Or torturing them, Austin.
That's really weird.
No, I was five, okay?
It's still even weirder.
You dislocated lizards' tails for fun.
No, because I wanted to grab them.
I wanted to capture them.
Okay, hold on.
And then treat them to a nice lizard.
I dislocated lizard tails and murdered several lizards.
Okay.
Not several.
Will beat a fox to death with a rock.
In defense, it was for his.
A, I was defending my soon-to-be-dead dog.
It was also a mercy killing.
Regardless.
I picked a couple legs off of an ant.
Yeah, significantly worse, I think.
You were torturing ants.
Yeah, and I let it go.
And it lived a very long life.
No, it didn't.
It was ostracized by the ants.
It must have been like 96 or 97.
I mean, granted.
Disabled ant rights.
You know what happens to a disabled ant?
What?
Okay.
When an ant is disabled, it is no longer productive.
Therefore, the entire hive, including its ant mother and ant father, disowned the ant.
Okay.
Mercy Killing Strategy00:02:55
They walk past them.
They walk past them and the ant is probably desperately crying for help saying, no, I still got two working arms.
Please, please help me.
Please bring me back to the colony.
I swear I can be a productive ant worker.
And yet they look past him on that assembly line when they're bringing those little nuggets behind back onto the fucking colony to eat that night.
And that ant suffered a cruel and unusual demise where he just sat there as his friends and family members alike toiled away doing ant things that they love.
And he died of starvation.
I'm pretty sure David Attenborough did an episode on that.
Yeah.
God damn that.
Sounds a lot like what it's like to be a gay man in America.
Really, truly.
Which we all have pets, right?
So I went to a bachelorette party.
Okay.
Oh, I went to a bachelor party.
No, we know.
You've talked about it four times.
Oh, my God.
Austin, let cutie have one word in.
I went to a bachelorette party.
It was non-Mormon, so it was cool.
When was this?
Years ago.
I don't go to anything.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
And I drank tequila, a lot of it, and I didn't realize that it was that much.
And we all got in this car and we went to a different bar.
This bar was 45 minutes away from my home.
And now I'm lost and confused.
And it's 1 a.m.
And all the other bachelorette girls are leaving.
And I'm like, oh, how am I to get home?
My phone's at 1%.
And it's like, it's like 1 in the morning and everyone's leaving.
And so I call my boyfriend at the time.
I'm like, calling, I'm calling him, calling him.
He answers and he's pissed that I woke him up.
And I'm like, I'm so sorry.
My phone's at 1%.
I can't order an Uber because my phone's going to die.
Can you please come pick me up?
I'm at this bar.
It's 45 minutes away.
I'm so sorry.
And he's like, I have work at 7.
Figure it out.
Okay.
And so I get off the phone with him.
And then this other girl comes up.
She's like, I ordered an Uber.
Do you want to share it with me?
And I'm like, sure.
So then I get in this Uber with a strange girl I don't know.
And I add my stop and he drops her off.
And then he goes to drop me off, but he goes the opposite direction of my house.
So I just freak out and I'm not like, I'm too drunk to like figure out what's going on.
And so I'm like, oh, I'm actually staying with her.
And I get out of the car and I have to walk like six blocks home at like two in the morning.
I get home and for some reason think that that boyfriend like deserves sex.
Plus like I had enough tequila that I'm just like so horny.
Oh my God.
And so I. Wait, so your boyfriend who was like, I have work in a couple hours, figure it out, was still awake enough to fuck you.
Of course.
And of course it's a man.
And in your mind that did not ring any alarm bells.
Dude, I want to.
Men will have sex.
No matter what is coming.
And so I wake him up.
That's not true.
But karma is going to come.
Don't worry.
Karma comes.
I wake him up.
Start having sex, but I'd had so much tequila.
I start projectile vomiting.
Oh, my God.
That's an after punch.
Walking Home Horny00:15:17
Okay.
Can I be honest?
I once.
It was like my only time ever going out, literally ever.
Did you guys finish?
No, because I threw up.
And then he was incredibly mad at me the next day.
What?
You would have finished?
No.
I felt bad.
Oh, my God.
He would have finished.
No, I would have never done that.
That's disgusting, Assange.
Well, if he was with someone that was projectile vomiting, it wouldn't have gotten on him because I would have been.
Wait, because I would have been on top of him.
He would have been from behind.
Oh, well, no, that's not the only way gay people have sex.
We have other sex.
We have missionary.
Marsh, pull up gay porn.
Did you just?
No.
Wait, wait.
You just think we only do doggy style?
No, I just think if you're trying to get in the butt.
You think the butt is only accessible from the back?
Yeah, now I am genuinely confused.
Wait, hold on, cutie.
We need to unpack this.
Wait, I'm my Mormon sister.
Wait, what?
Wait, wait, cutie.
You can hit that thing from any direction, cutie.
Cutie.
How did you get back there?
Are you kidding me?
Wait, wait.
Too close to where the pussy is.
It's inches.
Your penis is long enough to go all the way up into the butthole.
Ludwig's a jock, bro.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on.
Wait, we need it.
We need a picture.
I need a microcaste.
Wait, hold on.
Can I have paper and pen?
Can you show me?
I got a P.
I need you to draw what you think gay sex is.
Have paper and pen.
Wait cutie, I need paper and pen to explain what i'm saying.
So if they're facing you it's, they're facing each other.
It's the same distance.
I'll give you a paper.
No, drian is here, butthole's here, just put the legs up.
Legs up, oh.
Oh, like happy baby pose.
Yes wow okay, I think I figured it out.
I think that made sense.
Okay, so here's a man.
I'll draw him really.
Well man, i'm a bigot who knew the arm come down here and the foot comes down here.
Well, he said, missionary, missionary isn't leg up.
I mean yeah, but you can, why wouldn't you be able to?
And another man is also laying down and his he's a little taller, so his toes are down here.
Wait man, this is mouth.
Is this what you think of us having sex?
You said, missionary, this is missionary.
Yeah yeah, but your penises were both here yes, but you you, one person has look at, for those of you wondering, this is her diagram yes okay, but the other, okay.
When you're in missionary okay, are your legs flat?
Missionary is flat yeah, but your legs are up no, they're not just flat like you're playing sardines.
No, that's planking.
Yeah, that's why I I don't like missionary okay no, but no, because missionary is just flat.
To access the butt, you must lift the legs up ever so slightly.
Yeah, that's what he said.
That's happy baby pose.
It's happy baby.
But also missionary, will you google Karma Sutra?
Missionary, you know there's degrees of flexibility within every possession.
Yeah oh, so you, I can't believe black and white baby.
Okay see, look what the heck.
That's not what I thought are we allowed to show.
Yeah okay, that is.
See, that's what it.
That's missionary, that's what it looks like most.
I thought that was something else.
You're literally describing planking cutie.
If two people are looking at wait, google Kama Sutra, planking.
No no no, it's not gonna be in the Kama Sutra.
Look up the winged flying Gross.
Look up the winged flying euros.
Now, that's advanced Kama Sutra.
I always thought this is why I always thought missionary was cringe.
Okay, so you thought wing, just type in wing flying comma.
I thought missionary meant both people were straight.
Now this is an advanced comma sutra at the same time.
Oh, I know yes, the winged flying euros, this is what you have to get into.
No, there's an actual comma sutra pose.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, that's awesome Karma Sutra for 50 people, over 50.
Look up the Kama sutra poses.
Well okay, the karma sutra turns out.
People lift their legs for missionary.
Yes, okay.
So I thought that was wait, but did you think that we just always were behind them?
No, we can land on the winged.
Flying euros is like a guy in a crab position and then the girl is on top of him holding his neck.
It's incredible.
Well, I learned a lot today, thank you.
I like to look, I like, I like missionary, I like me some missionary.
I was trying to make a joke about how you were a selfish bottom, not realizing i'm a selfish bottom.
I've never bought him.
I've never bought him before in my life.
I'm going to though this, this in Japan, no, we're all doing booty boot camp.
We agreed on it last episode.
Last episode, we agreed that you were all doing booty boot camp together in the in the paywall.
Yep, you too will.
Why?
Can you show me the booty boot camp dilators?
I'll be honest.
I think you'd actually win.
What?
I think you give off big asshole.
Yeah, no, not big asshole.
I think you, I think you flexible asshole.
No, determined asshole.
Determined.
I think you.
There it is.
That's nothing.
Those are the booty boot camp training kits.
Oh, yeah, that's nothing.
Look, look up vaginismus dilators.
Oh, my gosh.
Vaginismus?
Vaginismus dilators.
They're so much more intense than that.
Hassan has not been here for like the entire 20% of the episode.
What is he doing?
Well, it's probably about time.
We should make this the best episode ever.
Yeah, look.
Those are vaginism.
Oh, my God.
Well, look, booty boot camp should be more like that.
Okay, look, in defense, like the vagina.
What?
Well, this is kind of homophobic.
What?
It was designed.
That is so homophobic.
You shouldn't say that.
Why would the men's G-spot be in the butthole?
You know what?
You're absolutely right.
The butt was designed to fucking get fucked.
That's what it was designed for.
No, it really was.
It was.
I want to put it in there.
Exactly.
This podcast is so stupid.
We are off the absolute rails.
In fact, this is probably our last episode ever.
This is falling apart.
Hassan's got olive oil dripping out of his ears.
Will's barely dressed.
And somehow I'm the most composed one.
Cutie didn't thought that we only had sex from behind.
Absolutely.
Cutie thought that there was a sex mission scene where both people lay at the bottom.
It's so funny because I watched The Yard and Slime has talked about how he like loves missionaries as go-to.
Like he's like, I love Mish.
And I've always thought to myself, man, that's crazy.
What's your favorite position?
I'll jump in.
Electric chair drop.
But I like to stand straight up with a girl on my shoulders and eat her pussy.
That sounds like so.
Wait, wait, hold on.
You put her on your awesome.
Oh, my God.
Can the camera see this?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my.
Whoa.
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That was insane.
What the fuck?
What would I fear, Ann?
Oh, my God.
It makes it work.
By the way, the olive oil made my ear worse.
So I definitely can't hear anything.
So I walked in and I didn't even know that there were people right next to the door.
Go to an urgent care tonight.
No, it's fun.
No, it's definitely not fun.
I'll be fine.
You have a rash all over your body and you can't hear.
I can hear out of one ear.
You want me to get like a...
Why don't we just Instacart an ear cleaner?
Yeah, that's what I wanted to do, actually.
I was just going to look that up and do it in the paywall.
You want me to do it?
I have Instacart down there.
That's insane.
I use it all the time.
You must make women come.
I used to.
What did you, what happened?
His favorite sex was here.
He puts women up on his shoulders and eats their pussy and then drops them and fucks.
Do you do that?
Don't put him on my shoulders.
He's too tall.
They'd actually hit the stratosphere.
Dude, the first.
Oh, man.
I had a situation one time where I tried to pick a guy up and then I dropped him.
Which was not sexy at all.
I like tried it and I wasn't as strong as I am now and I dropped him completely.
And it just took the mood out of it.
Oh, man.
Yeah, we continued fucking.
It wasn't a fucking incident, but I once I used to do the dirty dancing lift.
There's one girl that I did it with, and she came in way too hot.
Went right over my body.
Oh, no.
Front flipped, like into a wall.
Oh, no.
Did you guys continue?
Was this in college?
It was not sex.
Oh, she was like at a party.
They were just dancing.
She continued to the urgent care.
No, she was okay-ish.
Okay, does it feel like an ear ache or does it feel itchy?
No, there's no itchiness.
There's no ache.
It's just I can't hear out of it.
What's your favorite sex position, Hassan?
Yeah, I'm curious.
So I used to be like anti-mission.
I used to like doggy style, but I think my favorite is probably missionary.
That's crazy.
You thought missionary was only like arms at his side.
That's two men having missionary.
That's hardline.
That's the most Mormon thing I've ever heard.
That's Mormon missionary.
That's missionary.
So, fun fact, but a lot of porn stars actually, their favorite position is usually missionary.
A lot of people think that like missionary is so boring because they think missionary is that for some fucking weird reason.
But missionary is very versatile.
You can, there's a lot of, there's a lot of switch-ups on that.
I've never been like a big cowgirl guy.
I mean, I call it cowboy.
Okay.
Well, same thing.
Cow person, Hassan.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I've never been a big cowboy guy.
Yeah.
No, I'm like, I like missionary with.
Actually, we don't use cow anymore because of PETA.
It's called Riding Human.
Yeah.
Reverse riding human.
Well, that's what I like.
Missionary with the legs on my shoulders.
Did Austin turn this into a sex podcast?
Because I feel like it used to not be.
Every time things are off the rails, we can always get it on track by talking about fucking.
Right?
Used to be a guest.
Yeah, we used to have guests.
You ruined it.
Yeah, you can't even book guests.
You were supposed to book guests.
No.
Where are you wrong?
Hold on.
For the record, I try to book guests, but it's hard to nail these people down so I can't tell them.
Wow, that seems like a lot of, I don't know, excuses.
Well, you know what, Hassan?
Some of us have a job.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Three people in this room.
You're the only one who doesn't have a job.
Oh, I've got shows coming out in a big way.
Okay.
Saying that for three years.
Will and I are going to be filming something very special soon.
Get porn.
Blow bang.
Drop electrical.
Judy, here's what happened.
This morning I was showering.
And while I was showering, I had some soap suds stuck in my ear.
I went like, oh, no.
And I put my finger in there to get it out.
Oh, did you give yourself swimmer's ear?
And I think that's what happened.
It is.
And my mom suggested that she has like swimmer's ear, like a bottle.
Yeah.
We need to cancel the trip to Japan, I think.
It's not safe.
Swimmer's ear.
They have some ear drops.
I'm just going to get three different.
Hassan, you could lose your ear on the flight over.
The pressure is going to be too much.
If my ear is still fucked up, you're joking, but I probably shouldn't get on a plane.
What would happen?
Oh, my God, really?
Did you guys get a refund?
That would be devastating.
No, we'll use it as travel credit and we'll apply it to our future trip to Japan.
I've got it all handled.
Yeah, that gives Austin enough time to get a pump.
Yeah, but that's fine.
What is going on?
Hassan, what are you bleeding?
There's my finger.
That's fine.
I just bit it.
What the fuck is going on?
I buy my cuticles.
That's fine.
Let's move on.
I'm going to get you some diaper rash cream for your arm.
Let's stop thinking.
No, I already.
Hassan is falling apart.
I bought a lot of Cortisone and the like and Benadryl.
He just went to a phone call.
He went to the section of the store where they sell medicine.
He just bought everything.
Yeah.
Literally a phone call.
The FaceTime doctor will prescribe you stuff.
Look at this.
Look at this, Will.
Look at that.
He just bought everything from the store.
None of it makes sense.
Dirtech.
You don't just say the name of the product.
Allergies.
Are you having allergies right now?
I don't know.
I don't think he is.
Did you just drink that water like you were sucking the cock?
No, if I would have done that.
What is happening?
I don't know.
I'm dying.
But it's fine.
I'm going to go out on a limb here.
It's one of our best episodes yet.
No.
No.
You say that every time.
I think this is the best.
That fucking little maneuver you did, that's going to bring in the views because that's what we're going to use on Twitter.
And they're going to think it was awesome, but it was just fucking disaster for like 59 minutes until that 30 seconds.
Yeah, you hated it too, right?
I kind of want to be a bottom.
Will you fuck me?
In Japan?
Sure.
Jesus.
I'm sorry.
What?
Are you surprised that I say this shit?
You're not my type, but I do respect you.
Thanks.
You're hot, though.
I've seen your cock.
You got a nice one.
He does have a nice dick.
I'm curious who has a nicer dick between the two of you.
Okay.
Oh, you can find out.
You can find out.
Oh, we're all going.
Are we going to go to the onset and are you going to measure?
Hold on, hold on.
I'm the weird guy for saying I wonder who has a nicer dick and you guys want to see mine at the fucking onset.
Yeah.
I'm the weird one.
That's the price of admission.
You guys want to get naked.
I'm going to wear a sock.
I'm going to slip.
We want to see your dick, big boy.
We want to see where you're packing.
I just recently got used to peeing next to people at the urinals.
Right?
I used to be the awkward guy that would wait for a stall and I was so nervous because everybody thought I had an extra shit.
I'm sure you're going to make you sit down when you pee.
I'm going to make you sit down when you pee in Japan and I'm going to spread your legs and piss in between.
Oh my God.
God, I'm going to get bullied by these two frat guys.
Don't say it like you don't want it.
No, I don't.
These aren't my type.
Yeah.
Gay Bar Formative Experience00:11:10
I will say I saw a bartender last night.
Oh my God.
What happened?
Holy shit.
He was so hot, but nothing happened.
He was.
Austin, we're going to need you to start doing more so you can have stories for the podcast.
Should I just agree, actually?
You don't really do much.
You are like a gay alcoholic.
You just go to bars and you hit on men and then nothing happens.
I don't hit on men.
They hit on me.
Okay.
But they're not quite his type.
No.
Every single story you've told us is like, I saw a hot guy one time.
It never went anywhere.
That is literally what you said.
Okay, for the record, you can start fucking these dudes, Austin.
I flirt with men, okay?
I don't want to make it seem like I'm like, people just want me and I don't want anybody else because that's not true.
I'll tell you a story.
I have a gay bar story.
First time I ever went to the gay bar.
I don't know if you were here with me on that one.
First time I ever went to the Abbey.
Playboy Model?
Yes.
I was there.
You were there.
Okay.
First time I go to the Abbey.
You're rolling your eyes.
And I'm a little worried in my mind.
I'm thinking like, oh, you know what I was thinking?
I was thinking of pussy from fucking Sopranos.
Yep.
Like where I was thinking, what if someone sees me here and they think I'm gay?
And I'm working through the motions of like, is that even a problem?
Like, who cares?
You know what I mean?
This is many years ago.
This is like 10 years ago at this point.
And we go there.
And at first, I'm definitely nervous because I was like, holy shit.
Like, I'm in a gay bar.
It's like, this is crazy.
I've like, I went from not even knowing a single gay person to being in a gay bar.
And then I quickly realized that gay bars are a great place to meet straight women.
At least the Abbey is.
Because it's like a place where women are not immediately like on the defensive because they've been hit on by like 15 dudes who are creepy as fuck all night by the time you get to talk to them.
And they're just having fun with their friends.
And the people that go there aren't like creepy dudes.
Or if the creepy dudes are going there, they're hitting on dudes, right?
Yeah.
So you automatically have like open-minded, relatively open-minded people that go there.
So I had this wonderful conversation with a lady who was a Playboy model.
And we very quickly, you know, got passionate at the bar.
And then she invited me back to her place.
Can you describe what you were doing at the bar?
What?
I don't remember getting past that.
10 years ago.
We were probably, yeah, we were probably hooking up.
Yeah.
You were making out of the bar.
We're making out at the bar.
Yes.
And she invited me.
She invited me.
She's the one who took him.
Yeah.
She invited me back to her place in West Hollywood after the Abbey.
And I was like, all right, everybody, I got to go.
And I think I remember telling you this part as well because I was a little worried.
Because there was something a little off about the situation.
She was being a little cagey.
What does cagey mean?
Like sus.
And I thought, oh no, what is like, what's the issue?
Right.
But she's really fucking hot.
So I don't really care.
I go back to her apartment and somewhere along the way, it was already like so far into it that I was like invested.
You know what I mean?
I'm like, no, I'm doing it.
Yeah, we're past the turn back point where she revealed to me that she had an ex-boyfriend who was very crazy and had access to her domicile.
Oh, shit.
Domicile.
Her home.
Her house.
Why are you speaking like this?
Awesome.
I'm just like explaining it.
Anyway, I'm telling a story.
Domicile.
So look it up.
I was so fearful.
I still had to get my nut, but I was so terrified of this process.
And, you know, we had sex and it was a wonderful experience.
But the entire time I was like, I feel compromised right now.
My butt is out.
Oh, yeah.
You get stabbed and out in the open.
I'm like constantly fucking looking behind, hoping that I don't get jumped by some fucking dude who like.
I don't think he was going to come in and fuck me.
No, I thought.
Well, I didn't know.
I didn't know what was going on a little bit.
Like I was a little worried.
And that was when it was an important experience for me because that's when I realized like something clicked in my head where I was like, if I'm this afraid of another man possibly storming in and like killing me, that's probably what women feel like all the time when they're on date.
Wow, what a learning moment you had.
And that was a very formative experience.
And it happened to be the first time I ever went to a gay bar.
Wait, wait, hold on.
You went to a gay bar, fucking picked up a fucking supermodel.
She wasn't super model.
She was a playboy model.
You had sex with her and you were like, wow, this is what women feel like.
Well, the fear that I had, but the fear that I had on such a joyful occasion that I have experienced time and time again from the comfort and security of my home was quickly taken from me where I realized like, oh my God, every time a girl goes to a dude's house, they probably feel this times 10.
Yeah.
And it was really an eye-opening experience for me.
It was a formative experience.
So my first time at a gay bar, very formative experience, but not in the way that you would think.
Okay, so Will, you look a little disappointed.
Going on on your face disappointed no, not disappointed.
I think he just went through all of the experiences that we've had.
Every time we would go out at night and then, like 15 minutes later, i'm like i'm out.
Peace describe what it would be like Will.
What was it like going out?
I mean, sometimes it was great, sometimes it was a lot of fun, and sometimes it was like going out with a zealot to only be satiated by intercourse.
So you would just go out and then, like he would just, you would just leave, he would just ditch you.
Oh yeah, would you ever ditch him?
Yeah, I mean a few times, but I was much more I.
I was a much more an outer course person.
I found myself down a lot of rabbit holes, talking to people in the wee hours of the morning about very strange and peculiar things.
I was, I was more you're doing the teeth grindy thing.
I was more invested.
I was more goal oriented.
Yeah oh, but that was so long ago actually now, do you ever check?
No, what?
No, there's hundreds of women.
I would never be able to.
I would never be able to keep track.
Look at me, how many women have you had sex with?
Bro Lame Austin's more women than you.
Aww cringe.
Yeah, it was really cringe.
Having sex with women is cringe.
It is a great cringe I. That's why we're gonna go and have sex at the altar.
I haven't had sex with a lot of people.
How many not gonna tell you less than 10.
I mean that number is about to expand exponentially.
That number is about to go up like into the double, triple digits.
No, it's triple digits.
No, i'm kidding, i'm not a slut.
I actually know I. I'm gonna be honest, you are a wannabe slut.
You're not a slut.
I need an emotional connection with somebody to make it mean something.
Austin, can I tell you what's gonna happen?
I do, you're gonna, you're gonna.
I don't want meaning, I think you're gonna fall for one of the next few boys.
You uh oh, my god, that's what I said.
I literally I told Austin, you just don't have slut in you.
You don't think you think i'm a one person type of man?
Yes, because you don't allow yourself to just have base pleasure.
It's too taboo for you really.
You get off on the near misses really.
Yes, you know that about me.
I think the, I think the lead up now he fell in love with you right then and the and the, the taboo around the the, the flirtation product process is much more appealing to you than the actual act.
No, I think I think he likes the actual act too.
It's just that I think you like the safety and security.
It's a different mindset, hasan.
You're a Zealot, like there was a time in your life where you would weather outrageous slings and arrows to arrive at a destination.
Yeah, he wants to go through.
He wants he once in his fart mobile in the parking lot outside of my apartment.
Okay, that's not a.
It's not a fart mobile, stop saying.
And I was.
I was at my kitchen having my morning coffee And I looked out and his car was still parked there like an hour later.
And I was like, this motherfucker's fucking in his car.
And I texted him.
I was like, are you fucking in your car right now?
He's like, it was like five in the morning.
You were texting while you were fucking or answering your phone.
He was like, probably after.
I don't remember.
Yo, I had sex in a parking garage one time.
Sick man.
Okay, hear me out.
This is the most wild sex story I had.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
What was it, Missionary?
You remember though?
Remember how I was in my stage?
Remember, I was in, I would come to LN and I ran a pickup truck.
Yeah, we remember.
I remember because I spent 15 minutes while you executed an 80-point turn.
Yeah.
Eat like Austin Powers.
Okay.
One of the trucks that you rode in after a glorious night at the Abbey, me and an unnamed gentleman went back to a hotel in Beverly Hills.
And we didn't even make it to the hotel room.
I started eating his ass in the front seat.
Got in the back.
You ate his ass in the front seat while you were driving.
No.
Now that's like I'm giving up too much about myself.
Yeah, you like it.
His ass in the front seat and we went to the back.
Does it feel liberating?
It felt so liberating.
He had no liberty.
Let's say the ass word.
Say it.
I called him it.
I'm just kidding.
I didn't.
I didn't do that.
I don't.
I don't need to.
Are you now the dirty talker?
Oh, I'm a dirty talker.
Yeah, give us, give us a little taste.
Give us a little taste.
That's behind the paywall.
Okay, we'll do it behind the paywall.
Cutie, are you a dirty talker?
No.
Can you imagine?
I knew the answer to that.
There's no world.
Cutie, if somebody dirty talked to you, she'd go, ew.
She'd be like, what does this say about me?
Oh my God.
Am I a bad girl?
What is have I done something wrong?
What do you mean I'm a bad girl?
Because I've been like really good today.
Yeah, you know.
No, I can't loosen up enough.
What do you mean?
I just, I couldn't loosen up enough to dirty talk.
I love me some dirty talk.
Behind the paywall, we're going to make cutie Cinderella do a dirty talk.
Oh, God, that is an insane at patreon.com/slash fear and you're going to be able to get all our dirty talk.
Oh, yeah.
I'm, I'm, I'm, I already dirty talk you all the time.
Patreon Dirty Talk00:01:34
Oh, yeah, you do.
Oh, you fucking slut.
You take your shirt off right now.
I do.
I love it.
We're gonna, we're gonna do that behind the paywall at patreon.com slash fearn.
And that'll be all for this week's episode.
Thank you so much for watching.
I'm also gonna unclog my ear, hopefully.
Yeah, quite possible.
It was the best episode I've ever seen.
It's either the best ever.
It might have been the worst episode we've ever seen.
We should probably stop analyzing the episode while we're in the first episode.
That's it?
Felt like three hours.
Holy shit.
All right.
Thanks, everybody.
We'll see you next week.
If Hasan.
No, by the time you get this podcast, we will be in Japan.
If Hassan, if Hassan's ear doesn't fuck up, he shouldn't fly with it.
We are going to make the podcast great again.
Believe me, it's going to be fantastic.
It's going to be great.
We're going to have my daughter, Ivanka.
Hey, she's fantastic.
Believe me.
I really take a bottle with very warm water, attach a sprayer, twist the disposable tip onto the nozzle, place basin under the ear, and rapidly pump fluid into the ear.
Yeah, it rinses the shit out and it all falls into that basin.
And then Patreon, this is the bonus content you get.
You gotta look at what came out.
And then you empty one packet of ear vawn and pH conditioning ear rinse into the bottle and you fill it with very warm water again.
And then you rinse the ear with conditioning solution.