Tim talks about the last American love story, the Kardashian empire, the greatest piece of satire in the last decade, and Greg Norman siding with the Saudi golf tour.Follow Devan Costa: https://twitter.com/DevanCostaFollow Ida Tavakoli: https://twitter.com/IdaTavakoliBonus episodes every week:▶▶ https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS:HELIX BED▶▶ https://www.helixsleep.com/timd for 200 dollars off Mattress orders and two free pillowsWATCHES▶▶ for 20% off go to https://www.vincerocollective.com/timdillon🔒 VPN:Get three months free▶▶ https://www.expressvpn.com/timdillon📦 BOX OF AWESOME▶▶ http://boxofawesome.com use code TIMDILLON at checkout for 20% offCRYPTO▶▶ http://exodus.com/tim to start free. Over 4 million people trust Exodus to manage their crypto. Join the movement away from traditional finance by downloading Exodus.ONNIT▶▶ Go to http://onnit.com/tim for 10% offEVERY MAN JACK▶▶ https://www.everymanjack.com to get 20% off your first purchase use code DILLON🎧 HEADPHONES:For 15% off!▶▶ https://www.buyraycon.com/tim👨🦱 HAIR LOSS:▶▶ https://www.keeps.com/TimDillon💆THERAPY▶▶ https://www.betterhelp.com/TIMDBIRD DOGS!▶▶ https://www.birddogs.com/ use code TIMDILLONATHLETIC GREENS▶▶ https://athleticgreens.com/timdillonMASTERWORKS▶▶ https://masterworks.art/timSIMPLI SAFE▶▶ https://simplisafe.com/timdillon to save 20%MUD\WTR▶▶ https://mudwtr.com/tim use code TIM for $5 offSTARTMAIL: start securing email privacy!▶▶ https://startmail.com/timd for 50% off your first year!▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃:📸 Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/🐦 Twitter:https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon🌍 Tim Dillon Live Dates!:http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows📹 Subscribe to the channel:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4woSp8ITBoYDmjkukhEhxgListen on Spotify!https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1woKiAazAKPWPkHjds ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▶▶ Ed McMahonbenavery33@gmail.comhttps://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬#TheTimDillonShow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Stop Telling Everyone They're Abused00:11:14
Shut up.
Stop hitting.
I'm just thinking it.
Check, check, test.
Oh, fake.
It's a clapper, so I can see the thing and then sink.
It's one of these things you do to make believe that you're doing something.
But it's not anything.
It's SeaWorld Seals.
You throw me a fish.
Well, if I had a clapper, if I just went like that's what people are talking about.
We're rolling.
I know we are.
It's the Tim Dillon.
Can you sit in your chair and do the show?
Where are you going?
I was looking for my water.
Your water, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show.
If we can even call it that, if everybody settled down, our friends Devin Costa Ada Tavakoli join us this evening for the broadcast.
Devin looks completely out of it, and then Ida looks very poised.
She's sitting there very poised.
I'm going to really, you know, really get into it.
Yeah.
Here are the issues of the day.
Greg Norman, golfer, Ben's friend, says, We all make mistakes regarding Jamal Khashoggi's murder.
Tell us, everybody, quickly, what's going on with the Saudi because Saudis own everything now.
They own a steak and live nation, they own free speech, they own a lot of the great real estate in America.
Now, they also somehow have gotten golf.
Yeah, yeah, they get the Saudis own golf now.
They can have it.
Live live golf.
So that's what I say.
So, for anyone that doesn't know, Greg Norman was a huge golfer in the 80s and the 90s.
The shark from Australia.
Australia.
Right.
And so they gave him a war chest of about $350 million to get as many players over to the PGA tour from the PGA tour to the Saudi tour, which is going to take place in the U.S. What's the Saudi tour called?
Live Golf.
L-I-V golf.
They love names like that.
Live golf.
So this organization, it's a fund of Saudi Arabia.
They're going to get people from the PGA tour to play in these events.
It looks like they got Phil Mickelson with like $40 million to cross.
He's in all kinds of gambling debts.
He needs help.
That's the rumor: he owes people tons and like millions of dollars.
It's always been a rumor he had huge problems with gambling, but supposedly he's doing this to get owed Bones Mackay, his caddy, hundreds of thousands of people.
I don't get you in the weeds because no one cares except you about golf.
No one cares.
Bones Mackay.
He does this.
No one gives a fuck.
And he keeps.
I want broad strokes to just we can understand what's happening.
So he's getting players from the PGA tour over to the Saudi tour.
If they go to the Saudi tour, they are banned from the PGA tour.
Interesting.
And he's getting big players with money.
Right.
Right.
And so now they keep asking him about Saudi Arabia.
They keep going, hey, don't you have, you know, what about the human rights violations?
And he basically says things like, what are you going to do?
And so they asked him about.
So I headed the group's inaugural event.
Said for June 9-11, September 11th.
Not September 11th, June 9-11.
But what does that mean?
June 9th through the 11th.
June 9th through the 11th.
Odd.
The first Saudi golf tournament is the 9th through the 11th of June.
That's odd.
At Centurion Golf Club outside of London, Norman was asked his thoughts on Saudi Arabia's involvement in the 2018 murder of Washington Post reporter and United States resident Jamal Khashoggi.
Quote, from what I heard and what you guys reported, Norman said, Just take ownership of what it is.
Take ownership no matter what it is.
Look, we've all made mistakes and you just want to learn from those mistakes and how you can correct them going forward.
He's so terrified because he'll kill him.
So he's like, we all make mistakes.
We all have a guy captured and tortured on closed circuit television while we instruct the captors how exactly to torture him.
We've all made mistakes.
Mulligan and Greg Norman is his job now is just to defend the Saudi human rights record, which, by the way, thank God America set up that labyrinth of secret torture prisons during the Iraq and Afghanistan war.
So he could really just kind of point to that and be like, hey, man, there was a lot of people that we tortured that probably had nothing to do with anything.
So thank God our moral authority is diminished.
But this is a big thing for you because you really like golf.
They're breaking up the PGA tour.
Phil might not defend his title this year.
All right, shut up.
But this is, he's really into it.
He likes golf.
You know what I mean?
It's like, I used to be a swimmer.
He used to be a golfer.
How insane would it be if I still cared about swimming?
Less insane.
I was a really good swimmer when I was eight.
Yeah, but then there's the Olympics.
There's some spirit around swimming, I think, in this country.
There's not.
No, I mean, every four years.
Absolutely not.
I mean, there's a spirit around maybe the Olympics, but it would be insane if I was cared about swimming.
I haven't done it competitively in years.
And I love Ben's passion for it, but it's just a little absurd.
And it gets to a point where it's disgusting.
I find it endearing.
How much does he owe Bones Mackay?
Hundreds of thousands.
Who cares?
Dude, these names he comes up with are fucking wild.
I think he makes them up.
You didn't make that up?
No, it's Adam Bones Mackay.
He's in a golf announcer now.
He retired from caddying for Phil, and people thought he wanted to be a broadcaster.
Turns out he just was, I guess, was owed a bunch of money from Phil.
So what do you think Mickelson does?
He goes to the casino and gets really wacky?
No, he plays golf with like Jordan and guys like that and just does massive bets.
And loses?
Should he win?
Isn't he a professional?
Isn't that the whole point?
No, because he runs on adrenaline.
He probably goes, oh, for a million bucks, I'll hit it over this tree and slice it onto the green.
Wait, he does dumb shit like that?
Yeah, he's a gambling actor.
Well, he deserves to be in fucking debtor's prison.
If he's doing shit like that, like, let me, watch me bounce it off a rock a million bucks.
If he's doing stupid shit, I thought at least he was like, if I win, I get like, if he's doing crazy, like, carnival acts on a golf course for money, what kind of sick fuck is this guy?
He's very eccentric.
For sure.
Well, we wish the best.
We are big fans of Saudis here.
I love them.
I love a culture of rich people who smoke and a culture of quiet women.
And I've never in the world been around Saudi women and went, oh my God, will they shut up?
It's never happened.
They are a quiet group of women.
And I'm also, everyone's like, oh, they're being abused with the thing.
I'm like, you know what?
I don't think so.
They seem happy and I'm not bothered by it.
So let's stop going around the world telling everybody how they're being abused.
Because all we do in this country is tell people how they're not being abused.
They go, well, they can't take off their thing, the Abaya or the Burqa, whatever it's called.
Although women in Saudi Arabia can apply for driving licenses without needing permission from a male guardian, they still need that permission to travel abroad.
And that is fine.
That's absolutely fine.
I mean, Ida, what is your issue with that?
You're a modern Arab woman.
Yeah, I mean, I'm Iranian, so there's a, I think there's a little like beef with Arabs and Persians.
Why?
I don't, I mean, listen, I don't mind them.
It's all the same to me.
Yeah.
Y'all eat hummus.
I mean, listen, I live in America, so it's practically all the same to me, too.
When's the last time you were in Iran?
Oh, God, when I was six or seven.
Oh, so you don't remember anything?
No, I remember it.
I remember as much as I need to remember to be an American citizen.
No, I'm kidding.
I'm very, I like the Iranian culture.
I don't mind the Saudis staying there if that's what they choose to do.
I don't think they have any choice, but yeah, I have no opinion one way or the other.
Here's my thing.
Is it oppressive to the women?
There's an argument to be made that having to ask for permission to travel is oppressive.
Yeah.
There's also an argument to be made that it's a better way to do it.
You know what I mean?
If you're a man, Saudi Arabia is a wonderland.
Oh.
That sounds incredible.
Yeah.
It's like Sam Talent.
I don't want to give away his joke, but he has such a great joke where he goes, blank is for the boys.
He goes, you know, Muslim heavens for the boys.
Yeah, he has such a great joke that we've now given away.
But the point is, I think, whatever.
He's done it a bunch.
You know, the reality is I don't get involved.
I don't tell people what to do in my own country, and I don't tell people what to do in Saudi Arabia.
And if the women are not into it over there, they can, you know, you do it.
They can do another thing.
They can do another thing.
But, you know, I don't, I'm not like one of these guys who's like, you got to do it like we do it.
Do it like you do it.
But I'm very big fans of the Saudis.
And I think, and I really like what they've done for Beverly Hills.
And no, truly, and I like just the kind of vibe.
I like the vibe of Beverly Hills.
I like the big Rolls-Royces and the bling.
And a lot of that's very Persian.
But I like that.
I like that.
And it's for me.
And so we wish them well.
And I hope this live golf thing is good.
And I hope it's fucking blinged out.
Like, I hope it's like Saudi style, like the Caddies.
You said maybe they'd be like little pink Rolls-Royces.
And I just hope that it is fucking awesome.
I hope it's not like this waspy, boring sport that, you know, who cares?
I want it to be really, really cool again.
Yeah, they're very gaudy.
They're gaudy.
They're very ostentatious.
Like they're very in your face.
But the women enjoy none of that, I think.
Well, we don't know what they're enjoying.
That's the great thing about the culture.
It's a mystery.
They could really be having fun.
You're right.
The other thing is they might be having more fun than we know.
It might be fun to be covered all the time.
You're in your own little world and you're giggling and you're laughing with your friends.
Just ask for permission to have fun.
The Mystery of Their Fun00:10:14
Who needs to travel abroad, first of all?
I mean, can you imagine like, who need, can you imagine American women figuring out a good reason to travel abroad?
Why do you want to go abroad?
Get drunk in your yard.
You're not going to learn anything.
American women aren't going abroad to learn things.
They're going to get fucked up and accuse some poor sailor of rape.
Now, I got to talk about this podcast because you know me.
Every now and then I find something I just can't stop watching.
And I mean, I only showed you a few minutes of this, but it is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life.
I can't believe it even exists.
It is the most LA thing I've ever seen.
I like these people.
I don't know them, but they're fun.
And this is not a knock on them at all.
This is the most LA thing I have ever watched in my life.
These are three influencers trying to explain kind of what an influencer is and what an influencer does.
It's very interesting to watch this, and it makes me laugh hard in a world where nothing does anymore.
This really entertains me because it's kind of, I don't know if it's a genuine or if it's kind of a character or if it's half genuine or half character.
It's hard to know.
But all I know, here's where I stop.
It's entertaining.
Very entertaining.
This show that I watch.
And I watched their breakdown of the Russia thing, which was brilliant.
It was...
Oh, really?
Well, they didn't know where Russia was.
They didn't know what it was.
And they didn't know what the Ukraine was.
And it was such a refreshing perspective versus everyone on Twitter who's like an expert in foreign policy in their own heads.
These people were brave enough to go, I don't know what that is.
What is the Ukraine?
Let's start there.
Because by the way, that's a better system in terms of figuring out what's going on in the world to just start at ground zero and go, what is Russia?
Go.
I want to watch this little clip.
These are three influencers explaining what it is to be an influencer.
It is truly one of the greatest things I've ever seen.
Recommend it highly.
Hard to avoid the question.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, I can't see it.
Someone says, someone hasn't asked me that in so long also.
So that should.
I'll just be like, I don't know.
I'm just like a lazy piece of shit.
And then I ran away.
Yeah.
I don't, I never, I like, it goes back and forth between like, I work in social media, which does, which is not like, that doesn't make sense.
Yeah.
You do.
Yeah.
But like, I feel like when you say, like, I work in social media, people are thinking like behind the scenes, like, you work for Instagram.
Okay.
I don't know.
But I don't know.
I know.
In this case.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I turn it around and I'm like, what do you do?
Right.
Yeah.
You, you just, I lie.
I basically lie.
Right.
What was I going to say?
Oh, I say I do consulting, and then no one ever asks another question.
Right.
That's a good question.
You could, you could, you could, because everybody consults.
You know, like you consult.
I guess in a way.
Actually, what does consulting mean?
It means to offer your services.
Pause that for a minute.
Or advice.
It's just great.
It's informative.
What is consulting?
It's a great, she, the woman asked the question, hey, what is, what is that?
I hadn't thought about that in a while.
This is what's great about these people.
They're unashamed to just go, what is consulting?
I don't know what it is.
I hear it.
People do it.
But I don't know what it is.
They're just pure salt of the earth.
It's just kind of amazing.
And watch this because now they credit the one that these two credit the one in the middle for, I believe, inventing comedy on the internet.
They credit her for inventing.
I'm not kidding around.
The next thing is they credit this woman in the middle for starting comedy on the internet.
I swear to God, during the pandemic, it's breathtaking.
I can't, I'm telling you right now, if this is scripted, it is brilliant, or even if it's not scripted, if it's loosely Verite style, Kirby enthusiast.
I don't know what this is.
I don't know if they know what it is, but I'm telling you right now, and I don't know any of you, you are doing the greatest level of satire that maybe has been done in the last decade.
I don't know if you know what you're doing, but God don't stop.
Please don't stop.
Let's go.
In one way or another, she's not a consultant.
I used to say I work in advertising because I thought like, okay, with brands.
Marketing, marketing, advertising.
That checks out to me.
That makes complete sense.
And then people would ask me more about like what agency.
And then, well, then if you think about mute, we're writers, directors.
We are.
Editors.
Producers.
Actors.
We're writers, directors, editors, producers.
We're.
Entrepreneurs.
Yeah.
We're autours.
Yeah, we're venture capitalists.
I mean, we're writers, we're directors, we're producers.
And again, no shade to anybody here, but literally they're going like this.
Yeah!
Send.
That's kind of what it is, right?
Are you like stuffing Cheerios in their mouth and like farting and then hitting send?
Like, but she's going, we're writers, we're directors, we're producers.
She said she hadn't left her bed in like a month.
She's making it all from a bed with like a diaper.
From a bed.
She's a writer, a director, a producer.
She's a gaffer.
She's the Terrence Malik of TikTok.
Yeah, she's the Martin Scorsese.
It's amazing.
She's like, when you think about it, it's great.
She goes, when you think about it, it's all in the words.
She goes, when you think about it, we're writers, directors, actors, producers.
First of all, give them writers.
Oddly, give them actors.
Okay, even maybe give them directors.
Producers.
They're producing.
I guess they're producing the whole...
I don't know.
They're not making a bunch of calls and organizing.
I don't know, but what's great is that we've already established they don't really know what words mean.
They go, what's a consultant?
So they don't know what words really mean.
And that's what makes it so good because people that know what words mean are boring.
I truly believe this and mean this.
You're right.
When you don't know what words mean, you're anything.
You know, she's like, I'm an invertebrate zoologist.
I'm a writer.
I'm an actress.
I'm an astronaut.
And they go, what is, and she goes, oh, what is an astronaut?
And they go, I think it's someone that like goes to other planets.
And she goes, oh, oh, well, maybe I'm not that.
Like, so they don't, they have to like reverse engineer.
Right.
So let's, now this is my favorite part where these guys tell this woman in the front in the middle that she started.
They basically call her the Charlie Chaplin.
No, she's internet comedy.
She started comedy on the internet, which is Sai was unaware.
And I'm sure she's a lovely woman.
But again, it's the best show on the, it's funnier than my show.
It is fun.
It is not even close.
It is not even a contest of how better this is than what I do.
We are our own agents.
Yeah.
Managers.
Do you guys like what we're doing so far?
Do your parents, do your parents feel like we obviously like make videos?
Courtney, I don't know if we said average fashion blogger.
Yeah, better known online as average fashion blogger.
We have her in today.
She's one of our good friends, but like, let's break it down.
Your parents get what you do?
Let's break my parents.
Yeah.
My dad's been obsessed.
He, like, he does it less now.
But in the beginning, he'd like always call me, I have a really, really good viral video for you.
Yeah.
And then would say like the most problematic thing in the world.
He like, he gets it.
He like wants to do it so bad.
I feel like you are really like the blueprint.
You started off.
That's really dramatic.
No, I really mean that with my whole heart.
Like you, you started making comedic videos on Instagram.
I can't really think of anyone that did it.
I think anyone that made videos period before TikTok was like, he goes, I can't think of anyone that made videos.
Hold on, roll that one back.
He goes, I can't think of anyone that made videos before TikTok.
It's a joke.
I think you started making comedic videos on Instagram.
I can't really think of anyone that did it.
I think anyone that made videos period before TikTok was the blueprint.
OG.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
And now you're about to hit a million on TikTok.
Babe, I already did.
Where the hell have you been?
No one told me.
All right.
That's enough of that.
Stunning.
Beautiful.
I mean, it's brilliant in a way.
It's brilliant in a way because you have three people that are influencers or trying to be influencers in whatever that means.
Trying to explain what it is.
Figuring out that it's kind of hard to explain with words.
And, you know, they're just kind of, it's just interesting.
It's LA.
This is LA.
These are people are just floating around in and out of reality.
They're all like 14 years old.
They're very young, but they're not.
The other thing is I don't know if they're 14 or if they're like 40.
I think they look.
No one knows.
Yeah, they're supposed to look young.
They're supposed to look, I think they're supposed to exude like a pre-pubescent.
Yeah, the whole thing's like, it's cartoonish and fun.
It's like we're hanging out, like hanging out.
We're like, hang it out.
Stumbling Upon Celebrity Rehab00:15:19
Like, you are like, you're like a friend of ours.
You like, like, remembering that I met you?
Like, I met you like in a car.
We're in a car.
What's a car?
Yeah.
So, like, it's a, it's a, like, it's like a spaceship on the ground.
And, and, like, remember, Coachella is like really funny because, like, you were like, and, and I was there, and, like, we didn't even know that we, like, we, like, knew each other from, like, social media.
Like, we didn't know, like, we didn't know each other.
And then every now and then, the Brook one will come in and she'll be like, my grandmother was in the Holocaust.
Like, out of nowhere.
And I'm like, this is the greatest show that's ever been done.
No.
And she'll be like, but she survived.
And then she'll be like, was Doja Cat good at Coachella?
Did you enjoy Doja Cat?
Anyway, super fan of this show.
No, it's literally, and my first show that I love, the WW, bro, podcast was about a guy who was 600 pounds and gave diet advice.
Yes.
Nothing better.
And he would be great because he would come on and he would go, like, he'd go, Thanksgiving, I take the day off.
He goes, Thanksgiving, I.E.
And it was so beautiful.
Boeing 737 jet carrying 160 people aboards takeoff in Israel after pranks was used, iPhone airdrop to send terrified passengers, pictures of plane crashes causing one woman to faint.
So in response, this is such a crazy story.
And in response to this, Israel bombed a Palestinian nursery school, which I thought was a very proportional and appropriate response to just now.
This is a ballsy thing to do.
Plane pranks.
I mean, not even Nelk has done this.
Plane pranks right now are ballsy.
Yeah.
When's the last time you've heard of somebody getting up to mischief on a plane?
This is harmless.
It is.
It is.
It's not like a bomb threat.
Exactly.
And it's fine.
But it might make, it might make, I agree with you.
I do think it's funny, and I recommend people do it.
I'm telling people to do it.
But people might look at those airdrop photos and go, oh, this plane's going to crash because this might be a fun way to let us know.
Well, I mean, what are they inspired by?
How are they?
The people are reading the feud, like they could see into the future.
They're sending them a shot of the future.
Well, imagine this.
You're on a plane, you get an airdrop, and it's a bunch of plane crash photos.
Would it might not be a way of somebody on the plane going, hey, things are about to get rocky.
Well, was it sent by a Saudi Arabian?
I mean, if not, then it's fine.
Well, we don't know who it was sent by.
I mean, it seems harmless to me.
Now, what happened to these good people, Ben?
I believe they were arrested.
They're nine suspects described by police.
Israeli Nelk.
That's will do it.
Kheeve will do it.
Airdropped a bunch of plane crash photos.
That's shool will do it.
Shmool will do it.
I'm trying to make this bit work.
It's shmool will do it.
Funny.
Like, remember when you were standing in a crowd and like you look at me and then I looked at you, but then you looked away.
You remember that?
And I was like, oh, you don't like me?
And that was like weird.
So we started weird.
But then I realized that I didn't know where I was because I ate a gummy bear full of acid and a port-a-potty and I was being led around kind of like a baby.
And then I had this realization that like a lot of what I do stems from this like deep inner loneliness and search for meaning.
And it was fucking wild.
And then we saw Tana Mongeau.
I don't know why they did this, but I think it's funny.
I think kids need to have fun.
People need to have fun right now.
And it's such a tense time with everything that's happening around the world.
Okay, now what is this?
Another picture showing a person on top of a jet engine believed to have been sent using the air.
But this is funny.
So it makes people think maybe this is going on on their plane, but who knows, right?
It's meant to confuse is what I imagine, right?
Yeah, I mean, what are they insinuating that this is going to happen on the plane?
I think they wanted people to maybe feel.
It's just meant to scare people.
Hold on.
Troubled actor Andy Dick is arrested for felony and sexual battery at California Trailer Park.
What's going on?
He assaulted someone sexually, I heard.
Yeah, there it is.
Troubled actor Andy Dick is arrested at his California trailer park.
Is he living in a trailer park now?
Yep.
Man, comedy.
It's just a great life.
He was arrested for sexually assaulting another man after arrest for hitting a boyfriend with a bottle and frying pan.
Andy Dick56 was hold off in handcuffs after police arrested him for felony, sexual battery after an adult male claimed the comedian sexually assaulted him.
Deputies swarmed his trailer.
God, I mean, imagine an article being written about you where one of the quotes was, deputies swarmed his trailer.
Rough.
Dick had reportedly been living in an RV with a group of live streamers.
God, Jesus Christ.
He wasn't on the radar for a bit.
This is one of the many arrests that the comedian has had who's been transparent about his history of alcohol and drug abuse.
By the way, it's not his choice to be transparent.
Like, it's pretty much out in the, I love how they're like, he's been transparent about this.
I'm like, yeah, Lizzo's been transparent about her weight.
It's like, yeah, has she?
It was a real mystery to everybody.
Police from the Orange County Sheriff's Department swarmed his modest trailer.
They got to knock it.
They got to knock a trailer down.
They got to say his trailer's modest.
Dressed in a gray hoodie and black joggers.
Dick was held away in handcuffs before being placed inside a patrol car.
I mean, this is unfortunate.
During the police ambush, Sheriff's deputies were seen entering Dick's trailer and searching it after he was placed into custody because he's like hitting people with pants and stuff.
This is really unfortunate.
This man has problems with drugs and alcohol, and he's in a trailer.
There's a better video of it.
There's a video of a live stream they did where his roommate pulled a gun on someone that was coming to their trailer.
Yeah, get that.
Well, you know, you would think a producer would have something like that ready or done in show research.
But he's too worried about the Saudi Arabians taking over golf to really do the show prep.
They're a real threat.
I understand.
Yeah.
No, because he's home with his wife.
I work so hard.
I go to Australia.
I go to Australia for two and a half weeks.
He's a demon.
Why did he make you go?
Why would he make you work?
Here's the stream here.
Oh, this looks good.
Get out of my fucking house right now, motherfucker.
I have a gun in my gun, John.
Get the fuck out of here.
That's it.
You fucking kidnapper.
Extorter, motherfucker.
Go!
What are you talking about?
Don't fuck with me, dude.
Get out!
I told you fucking fine!
Don't come back!
You got it!
Don't shoot the gun, boy.
Get out of here, right now.
Dude, he's so calm.
Andy Dick is so calm.
He's like, Don't shoot the gun.
This is like the end of boogie nights.
Don't shoot the gun.
I mean, look at Andy.
I feel bad, man.
He's on a cot in a trailer that, by the way, looks fine.
Yeah, it looks big.
Is that a modest trailer?
That looks great.
Looks like an apartment in Glendale.
Yeah, I'm wondering if that's even the trailer.
I mean, maybe it is.
So now he's just taking money on PayPal and the Cameo.
God.
And this is a story we kind of stumbled upon by accident.
He's laying on a cot.
A guy's screaming at another guy with a gun.
Andy Dick's just kind of laying there unaffected like it's just a regular day.
He's like, don't shoot the gun.
Please don't shoot the gun.
Don't shoot the gun.
Not even don't kill the guy.
It's like, Andy Dick's like, just don't shoot the gun.
Let's see how this finishes.
Fucking shit.
Don't come back here, dude.
Don't do it.
You better call me before you do.
Don't show up, you're uninvited.
I see where you fucking got.
Jesus.
Who is that guy?
He's another extorter.
I do.
You're so protective.
It really makes me cry.
I'm sorry, dude.
This is so protective.
It really makes me cry.
He's like, this is a beautiful moment for us.
You're so protective.
You treat me so well in this trailer.
You treat me so well, it makes me cry.
You're just so goddamn romantic.
It makes me cry.
Don't shoot the gun.
Well, is that his boyfriend?
That is kind of lovely.
It's sweet.
It is kind of sweet, right?
I mean, if you two are living in a trailer and an extorter, whatever that means, somebody trying to extort.
Devin would use me as a shield.
Yeah, no, no, there would be no fucking chivalry there.
No, no, no, no.
But I hope that he gets it together, right?
He was on Dancing with the Stars, right?
Recently?
No, God, no.
No, it was years ago.
Usually that shows a fall from Grace.
So if you're, if, I mean, and then this.
Wasn't he on Celebrity Rehab?
He kind of looks like Dr. Drew.
Like when that was a thing, I think he was on Celebrity Rehab, but maybe he wasn't.
Yeah, with like Tom Sizemore and like...
I thought he was.
Here we go, Tim.
Yeah, he was here.
Okay, he was on Sober House.
What is that?
This was their like spin-off.
This girl, Jennifer, was like the head sobriety person.
And he was in season one.
This is when they would literally just like completely using drug addicts for viewers and putting them in like very unserious.
It was like a very unserious attempt to cure any of them.
Yeah.
And you had like Jeff Conaway and Eric Roberts.
Yeah, like Stephen Adler.
There was a bunch of people here.
Dr. Drew?
The guy who used to play Hobie on Baywatch with the young kid Hobie.
He grew up.
I forget what his name was.
Was it Jeremy Jackson?
The guy who was Hobie on Baywatch.
And he was like, he was talking about all the steroids he uses.
And he was like, he goes, yeah, he goes, this is a bull, a bull, whatever, hormone, pre-slaughter.
Like he was like, pre-slaughter, like before the slaughter.
And he would like inject himself.
But I believe he was.
Yeah, I believe he was on this show.
And this is the other thing with doing a podcast.
I'm either right or I'm slandering someone.
You know what I mean?
Two people played him.
I'm either...
No, it's Jeremy Jack.
I think.
Just type in Jeremy Jackson's Celebrity Rehab.
I mean, it really, you deal with it.
He was here.
Okay, yeah.
That's what I thought.
It's rough.
Yeah, I mean, he had a steroid thing.
Wasn't Heidi Fleis on there?
Yes, Heidi Fleis, I believe, was on there.
Oh, Carrie Carey.
Mackenzie, her, the mamas and the papa's.
Phillips.
Yes.
Yeah, I think a bunch of people were on there, and it was, you know, they were just trying.
God, why do I know all this?
They were trying to get a lot of views.
You know, and it was just, you know, how many, by the way, here's a great question.
Have any of those people sobered up?
Like, has anybody on Celebrity Rehab ever sobered up?
If you sober up, there's no show.
The producers probably throw them pills throughout filming.
There's a little, there's a little, there's a little surprise in your dressing room.
I'll see you at three.
There's a mint on your pillow.
Yeah.
So I think that, you know, where are the stars from Celebrity Rehab Now?
I'm sure this will be a real treat.
This will be a real pick-me-up.
In a grave.
Dr. Drew grew tired of taking all the heat.
Yeah, because you're killing people.
Keep going.
What is he?
What's his?
He's a show on your mom's house.
What does he do on your house?
He was like the biggest guy on CNN, too.
What does he do on your mom's house?
It's late night after dark with Dr. Drew or whatever, and he just talks to people about their problems.
Okay.
It's like the old show, yeah.
This is Carrie Ann Panish.
Yeah, she said she came out on top.
So yeah, it looks like she did good.
Okay.
I don't know what that means.
Let's see what.
Hold on.
According to NBC, Gawker published a tape of nude shenanigans between Panish, Eric Dane, and his wife, Rebecca Gayhart, in 2009.
Panish accused her celebrity rehab castmate Mindy McCready of releasing the tape while Panish was still using math in 2012.
She has since gotten sober, kept her family intact, started a design business.
Okay.
Tom Seismore, it's a mess.
We're not even going to read it.
She's a big mess.
You know.
Heidi Fletcher, get out of here.
Heidi Fleisch is a big mess.
We're not even going to dignify that.
Mike Starr battled multiple demons.
He looks like the guy in the trailer with Andy Dick.
Yeah, he died of an overdose.
Good job, Dr. Phil.
Mindy McCready, personal tragedy was devastating.
She died by suicide.
So, I mean, these are all, these are the people that were at Celebrity Rehab.
Seth Shifty Sherlock Binzer isn't giving up.
Good for him.
No one knows.
Regete Nielsen, she started dating Flava Flave.
That's good.
Wasn't that her sobriety?
That wasn't that how her.
Yeah.
All right.
We're not going to go through all of them, but yeah, that was like a massive show where just nobody, that was what reality TV was when I was growing up.
No, but like they took really people that were in a lot of pain.
They did not give them help on television week after week.
You watch their conditions degenerate.
They would attack each other.
They would destroy their lives.
And there was a film crew to follow it.
That was reality television.
Before the genre that we have now, which was like rich bitch TV, which was like, we find wealthy people that have more money than you, and they shove it down your throat in a very like grotesque way.
And you just have to sit there and take it.
Not only will you take it, but you'll like it.
You'll like it when these cunts go, I buy a house for each one of my kids.
Isn't that what everybody does?
Go to the original Real Housewives of Orange County, which, by the way, the season one is still the best cultural depiction of the mortgage crisis because everybody on the show is mentally retarded and they all own like five houses.
And you go, how did this happen?
I mean, literally one guy has like a brain neurological injury, this baseball player from Orange County.
Reality TV Singing Reveals00:07:05
And he's just like, he's like boozed, like dribbling out of his mouth.
And the wife's a big realtor and she's a big fatty boom baddie.
And if you can go to season one of the Real Housewives of Orange County, the opening sequence.
And the opening sequence is going to show you all these women have these taglines.
And this was like when reality TV shifted from like, we'll put everyone in a house.
We'll get them drunk.
Let's get them fucked up and see what happens.
And then reality TV kind of shifted and became like, hey, there's people out there that are doing a hell of a lot better than you.
That's what reality TV became, which is kind of still what it is.
Except now it's weird.
Now it's like everyone's singing.
There's like nine shows about karaoke.
It's like the mask singer.
And then there's a new show called Don't Forget the Lyrics.
And there's another show about whether the singer's bad or good.
Or lip syncing or are you lips, lip sync battle?
And who's everybody now?
People are so stupid in this country.
They can only handle that because they've been so traumatized by the genres of reality TV that came before them.
Like watch this person die of a heroin overdose in Slow-Mo and watch this rich family parade their wealth around.
Now all people can handle is staring at TV and watching like a celebrity sing like the song from Titanic poorly.
And they're like, wait a minute.
Are you going to forget the lyrics?
And they're like, near, far, wherever you are, I am.
And the people at home are like, she's going to forget the lyrics.
She doesn't know it.
I can see my drunk aunt sitting there being like, she doesn't know it.
She doesn't.
So that's all we can handle right now is watching people sing.
I've always hated karaoke.
I despised it.
I hate when drunk people get up in Long Island bars and they're like, you know, they're like fucking like, and they get into it.
There's nothing worse than somebody into it at karaoke.
You know, people are just like at the bar, like, what the fuck is wrong?
And that's all reality TV.
So Ken Jong hosts, I can see your voice, a new guessing game on Fox, where literally they bring people.
We don't even know.
Me and Ben tried to watch this show and we didn't even know we couldn't follow it.
And we're reasonably intelligent.
What it is, let's try to explain.
Can we explain?
Okay.
Fake it till you make it.
That's basically the concept of the new competition series, quote, I can see your voice.
Contestants and celebrities have to figure out who's actually a good singer without hearing their real voice.
What are we doing?
Think about that again.
Contestants have to figure out who's a good singer without hearing their real voice.
So they come out, they lip-sync to something, and you have to decide if they're lip-syncing to their own voice that's good or someone else's voice and their voice is horrible.
But you pick two people.
And you pick two and they kind of go at each other and you go like, hmm, which one has the real good voice?
And this is all intellectually that people can handle right now.
Like all they can handle is watching people sing.
Like it's like a talent show.
We've gone back to the basics here where it's just, it's a big fucked up talent show.
Some people are talented and some people aren't.
And by the way, it doesn't really matter.
None of these people get deals.
Bad voice, good voice, right?
What do they get?
$10,000?
It says $100,000.
$100,000 after taxis and everything like that.
I mean, it's like, this isn't, you know, it's not like American Idol.
Now you're going to Hollywood.
This is like, I would stand up as an audience member and go, does it really matter whose voice is good or bad?
They're not, they're both 40.
They're not going to be Christina Aguilera.
Who cares whose voice is good or bad?
It's the crazy thing.
But this is fun.
Watch the real housewife.
Okay, so it starts where it goes, 7 million families live in gated communities.
So now remember, this debuts when in 2005, this is like the height of fake business all over America.
This debuts, people are like up, they're in debt to their eyeballs.
They're all in sham mortgages.
They're all living way beyond their means and it's all about to collapse.
It's on the brink of collapsing.
And then this is what they put out.
And here, play this.
I don't want to get old.
He's pretty much keeping me.
Are the police involved?
It's just money.
You can't take it with you.
85% of the women around here have had breast implants.
Yeah, so it's like, it's just, it's just, it's just money.
You can't take it with you.
And it's just these shots of like women getting their tits done and getting diamond necklaces.
And they're like 7 million people live in gated communities.
And that's really like, that's the genre of reality TV that we had for a while.
We still have it.
Yeah, it culminated in like Selling Sunset, which is kind of a brilliant show because Adam DeVello, the guy who did it, is a genius.
He like did The Hills and he makes these shows like the scene in Selling Sunset, which we can't play where Adman, the real estate developer, is like, and they're these cold like Nordic types and they're telling this hopeless zero Davina who can't sell anything.
Then the woman looks at her and goes, please make a deal.
And just the way it's brilliantly shot, you see like the cat sleeping, the dogs are sleeping.
But yeah, that's really where reality TV is now.
It's like people are just singing.
It's very infantile now.
It's very infanticide.
We can't take anything anymore.
It's very silly.
It's like infantile.
And it's like the aha moments aren't even real anymore and they don't matter.
It isn't like the reveal doesn't matter.
There used to be, I used to watch old Real World and it's like people just beating the living shit out of each other.
The cops aren't called.
Yeah, real world Hawaii with Ruthie.
She's like vomiting.
It was insane.
No.
Now it's like these reveals don't mean anything.
They're like, oh, she wasn't a good singer.
We got tricked.
I'm like, well, if you think that's bad, don't look into 9-11 because you're going to have a real...
How about we do the masked defense secretary and we find out where the tape is of the plane hitting the Pentagon?
How about we do that on Fox?
Next on Fox, the masked CIA agent, who's telling the truth and who's not.
We have two government whistleblowers and they both come out with something you're blowing a whistle on and you have to decide what's true and what's not.
Pretending America Is Great00:03:58
You know, like one comes out and goes, the government participates in human trafficking rings to compromise politicians.
And everyone goes, man, I don't know.
And then the next person comes out and they're like, the government murdered John F. Kennedy in a coup.
And you're like, God, who's which masked government whistleblower is correct here?
Is it both?
And then the reveals, it's both.
And everyone's like, fuck.
Hosted by Neil Patrick Harris.
Yeah, Neil Patrick Harris, just to make it peppy.
Just peppy and fun.
But that's like what, that's what we can handle now is just watching people.
This is a beautiful story.
We kind of want to wrap things up on this.
This was a manhunt.
This is a tale as old as time.
A corrections officer falls in love with an inmate.
They escape together.
This is one of the old, the only American real love stories we have left.
You know, there's a few love stories we have left in this country.
You know what I mean?
We have a country of morbidly obese fentanyl addicts and child Nazis.
That's our country.
Like prepubescent Nazis, morbidly obese fentanyl addicts.
And like, like, like, so in our country, when you think of the configurations in which people find and love each other, you have the teacher student.
You have the powerful business guy, perhaps underage prostitute.
You have maybe two closeted Nazis that are fucking whatever.
But what really encapsulates it, because so many people in America are in jail, in prison.
So many...
And there should be more.
No.
So many people are in prison and are incarcerated for all manner of different things, for nonviolent drug offenses, for very violent offenses.
And they're in prison.
And then we have corrections officers who are essentially criminals.
Corrections officers and criminals.
There's very little difference between.
No, this is true.
There's very little difference between corrections officers and criminals.
Most people that get into corrections are criminals or would have been criminals or are criminals.
They run like teen fight clubs in the jails.
They sneak in drugs and stuff.
They look like prostitutes, too.
They fuck them.
Yeah, they fuck them and everything.
And I have no issue with all that.
Whatever it gets you through.
The day makes everybody happy.
I believe in communities.
I believe in communities.
I love that.
So this is a great story about a female corrections officer, right?
Who fell in love with a guy who's they're trying to get him for murder.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Pin him.
They're trying to pin him.
Another innocent John.
Is this the woman that spent, like, she like sold her home and used the money to bail him?
This will sum it up real quick.
It's great.
She shot herself, right?
Story about a jailhouse romance that ended in death.
A veteran corrections officer apparently fell in love with an inmate and helped him escape with her so that the two of them could run off together.
It happened at the Lauderdale County Jail in Alabama.
Authorities say the 38-year-old inmate, Casey White, who was awaiting trial on murder, struck up a relationship with 56-year-old Vicki White, no relation.
She was the assistant director of corrections at the jail where he was incarcerated.
Her co-workers described her as an exemplary employee.
But that's right.
They say she planned how to get Casey out of the world.
But here, by the way, let's make a point.
That is an exemplary employee.
If you're a corrections officer, breaking them out of jail and fucking them.
Like, that is an exemplary employee.
Because here's the deal: you're around them all the time.
You're going to fall in love with them.
Jailhouse Romance Ended in Death00:08:31
Yeah, it's true.
You're going to fall in love with these people.
Look at this guy.
You're telling me you're not going to fall in love with this guy?
It's Neanderthal John Ham.
The fact that this guy murdered somebody turns you on.
It makes you hot.
You go, this guy killed someone.
And I lock his cage every night and I let him out.
Man, what a fantasy.
I lock his cage and then I let him out.
It's hot.
And she lives in Alabama and she looks like she's like an albino fucking, you know, I don't know, mole rat.
We all have to pretend like, because all these political people now have to pretend that like New York and LA suck because they, listen, we all know taxes are high and like liberals can be crazy.
Like everybody has to pretend like that's what America is about.
It's like Alabama.
Everybody has to pretend that.
They're like, I won't live in Missouri.
Missouri.
It's like, guys, you realize Bill Maher had a great joke years ago.
He said, if it wasn't New York and LA, the country would have been sold to China years ago.
Like there is, no.
But everybody has to pretend like politically.
I've never been to a place and went, you know what I love here?
The political outlook.
I've never looked at an ocean and went, I love the taxes here.
Just allow yourself to have another experience on the planet, you fucking monkeys.
But people can't do it, right?
They can't.
So everything's political.
I don't say Austin's a shithole because it's a blue city and a red state or a purple city.
I say it's a shithole because it's a shithole.
It's a shithole.
It's hot.
It's muggy.
There's bugs.
The food's gross.
The rivers are shit.
They're brown.
They look like literal shit.
They're disgusting.
The people are disgusting.
They're unaccomplished.
They're idiots.
That's why I say shit.
It's nothing to do with the politics.
I don't know what the laws are.
I don't care.
Dump.
I go to Santa Barbara.
I go, it's pretty.
But yeah, it's homeless.
The laws are nuts.
And the people that run it are fucking psychopaths.
It doesn't mean it ain't a better place to live.
All things being equal.
Like, if we, let's say you gave Texas in Florida a state tax and a hefty one.
You know, how many people really love it?
How many people are down there with fucking cowboy hats and boots?
Like, if you love it, like, let's see if you would pay for it.
You wouldn't pay for it.
Right.
No.
There's nothing to pay for.
I mean, listen with all the respect.
I like Dallas.
I like some places, great audiences.
But you go around Austin, you go, yeah, I wouldn't pay a state tax to live here.
Why would I?
Why would anyone?
Why would anyone pay a state tax so they could take the boat out on the shit river?
It's gross.
And I'm sorry, Palm Beach isn't.
Palm Beach doesn't have a state tax either.
Malibu is kind of a dump, but it's better than Austin.
The Hamptons, better than Austin.
Lake Lanier in Georgia, better than Austin.
Charlotte, Charleston, South Carolina, better, you know.
I don't know.
I don't know if Charleston's a Democratic city or a Republican city.
I don't care.
Doesn't mean anything to me.
But people right now are so invested in politics because it gives their meaningless lives some type of like shape that they can understand.
You're good Because they have nothing going on in their fucking lives and I understand that there's real concerns and now they're trying to Get rid of Roe v. Wade and shit like that.
I'm not saying it's completely unimportant, but to make it this entire thing where you have to lie to yourself and start saying that like Lake Austin's nice.
Can you get up Lake Austin and we'll get back to these two retards, but get up a photo of Lake Austin.
Get up a photo of Lake Austin and hit image.
Go to the right.
Right there.
There it is.
It's a level from Donkey Kong.
That is a level from Donkey Kong.
It is slime.
It's green slime from Donkey Kong.
Now get up a picture of Malibu, California.
And I don't like Kevin Newsom, but just get a picture of Malibu, California.
It's better.
Don't you get that it's better?
That's nicer.
And that ain't even that nice.
Malibu ain't even that great.
It's not even that good, but it's better than that swamp.
Well, I can shoot Magdals in the rear.
I can shoot Maggins in the ear.
I shoot Maggie.
Grick a poppy.
Now so whatever, but there's nothing in Malibu that looks like that.
They just lie with some shit, too.
Yeah, it doesn't look like that.
Another fucking flame.
That's like Italy.
I think Malibu's like a dump, but the point is, it's a nicer dump.
Everything on earth is a dump.
We just went to the rainforest.
It's fake.
The Great Barrier Reef doesn't exist.
We put cigarettes out on it.
It's a dump.
Everything's a dump.
But my point is, don't get with the politics.
It annoys me.
When you have to start lying, you just have to start lying and be like, I love it.
And these are people from the Northeast or from the West Coast, and they go down there and they're like, yippee!
All these tech demons, these autistic fucking blinking tech faggots, and they're like, it's fucking grotesque.
Whatever.
We have fans there.
It's a nice place.
Let's finish up these two retards.
Okay.
She even sold her home and announced her retirement beforehand.
Then on April 29th, authorities say Vicki picked up Casey from the jail for what she said was a mental health evaluation, which authorities later learned was never even scheduled.
The two of them fled in her patrol car.
Vicki had spent the night before in a motel near the jail.
Authorities say she bought men's clothing from a department store beforehand so that Casey would have something to change into.
Nice.
After they left the jail, the two of them ditched her patrol car in a parking lot where cops later found her jail keys, a radio, and handcuffs.
True love.
Then they went on the run for 11 days.
Once they phoned in a tip, the manager of a car wash in Evansville, Indiana, had spotted Casey on surveillance video.
Why are they washing a car?
Oh, good question.
How stupid are you?
Why are you washing a car?
They're like, we don't want people to think we're dirty.
Why are you washing?
Or is he maybe he's hanging out there to rob people?
Like, why are you on the run?
Well, where are they running?
Where's the destination?
Who knows?
But why would you stop in a car wash?
Yeah, maybe they think they were getting tailed, so they pulled in or something.
I don't know.
Well, let's finish it.
All right, here we go.
They called federal authorities.
U.S. Marshal service called me.
That's right.
They sent me a text special.
She called it from Alabama.
This guy, when tech guys moved to Austin, Texas, that all went to Stanford.
This is what they sound like after three months in Austin.
Keep going.
Truck called.
I thought I did.
I said, that's a guy from Alabama.
He said, yes, it is.
So he said, I got UX marks for coming to you even as I speak.
Cops located the pair pretty quickly and saw Vicki walking out of a motel with a wig on.
Vick.
Then they chased the pair down.
The pursuit ended with the police crashing into their getaway car.
They were able to pull Casey out of the wreckage, but they say Vicki was critically hurt.
She had shot herself in the head.
She later died at the hospital.
As for Casey, soon he'll be on his way back to Alabama.
He was already serving a 75-year-old murder.
By the dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed as the twilights less streaming whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous night gave proof.
I don't even know if I'm doing this right.
That our flag was still there and the rock is red glare.
A Whirlwind for the Convict00:02:03
Vicki's head bursting in there gave proof through the night.
I mean, what a beautiful story.
Victor shot herself in the head.
She got a week of that good dick.
What a whirlwind for the convict.
He's just being taken back to prison.
Like, well, that was weird.
That was a weird 11 days.
What a week.
She's just killed herself.
But here's the deal.
It's true love.
And when you know it, you know it, right, folks?
I mean, when you know it, you know it.
And when it hits you, you don't always choose.
You don't always choose it.
She found someone that loved her and saw her for her.
Yeah.
And he was a murderer.
And she ended up being a murderer.
She killed herself.
Isn't that fun?
That qualifies.
But it's an American story.
They should make that a film.
Yeah.
That should be a film.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
Like somebody that loves that deeply where they go, I'm just going to blow my brains out because I can't face the thought of everyone at the old job where I had authority being like, what the fuck are you?
Because she turned on her family.
Yeah.
You know?
It's not like LA where by doing that, you're rewarded with houses and pools and tennis courts.
They're in shit canville.
The only thing this woman has is those other mongoloids that she works with.
And they all drink coffee together and they beat the inmates and they lock them up.
And that's what she does.
And she turned on them by taking one of these inmates out, escaping, putting the rest of the cops in danger.
And wouldn't it be funny if they didn't even fuck?
She's like, I'm waiting for marriage.
He's like, we got to fuck soon.
I'm telling you, they're going to get us.
And she's like, no, we're going to live.
We got our whole lives.
Wouldn't it be funny if that was her attitude?
She's like, we got our whole lives for this.
He's like, I don't think so.
He's like, please, let's just fuck.
She's like, we got our whole life.
She's picking.
She's on Zillow.
She's like, what can we afford?
Animalistic Disgust and Marriage Plans00:02:55
He's like, listen, I think you're underestimating how deep a shit we're in.
They're going to come get us.
And I'm going back to jail.
It says here, I can get approved for $185,000 with a down payment.
Now, you can't go on the loan, of course, but with a down payment, I can get something nice.
We can get a double wide.
You know what's nice out here is Austin, Texas.
Because Joe Rogan's, he's opening a comedy club down there in Austin, Texas.
And Elon Musk's going to let us say hard R on Twitter.
So let's go to Texas.
And he's like, honey, I think we're going to get shot.
Some guy made me at the fucking car wash.
Well, that's where I washed my pussy.
You really shouldn't have done Kill Tony tonight.
Yeah.
I heard a lot of shit.
I thought you were funny.
Your minute was good.
Honey, you made me do that.
I tend to think that really, that really exposed us.
Nah, you were good.
But it's an American, it's a beautiful American love story.
And there's not much like that anymore.
And, you know, it's that intensity of love.
No, it'll be a mini-series soon.
It should be, right?
On Hulu.
Someone else.
It's kind of like Thelma and Louise a little bit.
Yeah, a little bit.
Bonnie and Clyde.
Especially at Transcendence Age.
She was 56.
He was 38.
Yeah.
But it's going to be hot people.
It needs to be gross.
It'll be Charlize Therone.
No, it needs to be gross people where the sex scenes make you go, oh.
But it should be like really gross.
Like, that's what movies need, like gross sex scenes again.
We're like, it's just real animalistic, disgusting.
Like she has an open wound.
Yeah.
You know, and it smells because it's moldy.
And you could tell like he's flinching as he enters her.
And she's, and she makes this little sound like, they did that in True Detection.
She's got a light Parkinson's and she shakes as he does it.
She's like, that's what it should be.
And then like the last scene of the movie, he's like, they're fucking getting us.
He's like, I'll always love you.
He goes in for a kiss.
And before he gets to her, she goes like this.
She goes.
You know?
You know, and then they're like dedicated to the legacy of the civil rights march or whatever.
Like something that has nothing to do.
Something that has nothing to do with anything.
You know?
Produced by Colin Kaepernick.
Produced by the Obamas.
No dates, no merch, nothing to see here.
Go away.
Invasive Procedures and Movie Scenes00:09:06
Kill, kill, kill, kill yourselves.
Like Vicky White, this is the story of Vicky White.
YouTube, Devin Costa.
You can follow these guys on Twitter.
Ida Tapakoli, what's your tweet?
Twitter handle.
At Ida Tapakoli.
At Ida Tabakoli.
Devin Costa.
Subscribe to his YouTube channel.
He makes really, really funny videos.
We should make videos again, but we just aren't going to.
You know, we're just not.
I'm just not going to dress up like a hand sanitizer or anything anymore.
I used to.
I just can't do it.
I used to, but I can't.
I'm 37 or I'm 36.
I don't know what I am.
But the point is, I'm too old.
I'm really too old to be like running around dressed up like a crab.
What a crab sick.
What a crab do.
I'm a crab that's not woke anymore.
Whatever.
Like, I'm too old.
I'm like old.
That's what I used to do.
I used to do like funny videos in college.
I used to put on wigs and dress like women and fucking, I dress like a coronavall.
I'd have people make foam costumes, Epstein Temple.
And they were really fun, but you were great.
They were phenomenal.
Yeah, they were fun, but you grow out.
Level up.
Just make a bigger thing.
We did.
We did.
And we will.
It's just bigger things cost money.
You got to have good ideas.
So if you're going to put the money behind it, you got to have an idea.
So like, you know, we used to lampoon a lot of like crazy stuff, woke culture stuff, and even right-wing culture, we would just lampoon the insanity of everything going on.
And, you know, there are ways that we still think about doing that, but it just gets, I don't know, it gets more and more difficult.
And I think the main focus is building out the show.
I think we eventually want to like musical guests.
So it's like a real late-night show.
Like, who would be our first musical guest, do you think, Ben?
Like, to be really, that we could get.
Like, who could we actually get?
Who could we actually get?
The guy from that really big band, Illumineers, is a big fan.
Okay.
Well.
Lil Zane.
I don't know anything about the Lumineers.
I'm sure they're great.
They're a huge band, but I don't think we can get them is my point.
What about future?
Oh, yeah, future.
I don't know if we can get him.
He's huge.
These people are too big.
It's one thing to be a fan or maybe like something that I do.
It's another thing to commit to showing up and doing it.
Maude Latour.
Yes, Maud Latour.
Maud Latour.
She'd love to do that.
One more weekend in the city.
She's a musician that we saw her name.
On a marquee in LA.
We just started following her.
And we're following her musical career.
Ladies and gentlemen.
And she's got a really good song.
Can we play her a song?
Yeah.
No, no.
Why?
Because we'll just lose.
She'll get all the money from this episode.
Oh, fucking.
Get her off.
Get her face out of here.
Taking my fucking money.
Done enough for her by mentioning her name.
But she's got like a one catchy song.
We don't know any other ones.
No, no, no.
And the chorus is the good part.
Yeah.
I mean, listen, she's not, you know, she's not Joni Mitchell.
Thank God, huh?
Pulling her music off Spotify.
Maud Latour pulls her music off Spotify.
Dude, what if comedian, like, what if musicians started doing it now?
Like, that it's all over?
Would just be so funny if like big musicians on Spotify are like, I am taking a stand.
I'm pulling my music off Spotify.
Mackenzie Phillips takes a stand.
Yeah.
Someone takes a stand.
Yeah, like Ariana Grande.
Ariana Grande's like, I'm pulling my music off Spotify.
And then she says it in Spanish.
Spanish.
Yeah.
Isn't she Spanish?
No.
I don't know what she is.
She's Sicilian and Italian.
Yeah.
She's white with a spray tan, but she is Italian too.
Great.
I mean, she's beautiful.
Yeah, she's very attractive.
She looks very bad without makeup, actually.
No, she doesn't.
She looks great.
I'm sure she's fine.
Let's see a photo of her.
Okay.
She's very attractive.
She's beautiful.
You know, I don't know.
Yeah.
Great spray tint.
Go to the without makeup, Ben.
This one here.
Kevin is like a shit.
She looks good.
I think she's.
She's cheaters.
No, they're not.
Everyone's cheating.
I think she looks fine now.
She looks good.
She looks good.
I don't think she's a.
But I understand what you're doing.
But she thinks she should wear bronze or your skin.
They should be made up, right?
I mean, isn't that the point?
Oh, yeah.
Well, we call them like the, you know, the.
But you know what?
It's not only just makeup.
It's like a lot of people are doing fillers, injections, and plastic surgery.
The fake asses, the new head.
The woman from Million Dollar List got a new head.
No, Tracy Tudor got a new head.
And I think that's good.
If I had money, I'd get a new head.
If I had money like that.
Tracy Tudor, go look.
She's got a new head.
This woman's head's completely new.
She had one head.
She got a new head.
Yeah, because this was her, right?
Yeah, that was her.
Now go to the other one.
I really don't see that.
And then now this is.
Oh, it's totally different.
She's got a new head.
You said this, and I like, I said, what is that different about it?
What do you mean?
The head?
Her head.
It's like Chloe Carder.
She got a new head.
Yeah.
She got her nose done.
That's, you know, I'm not saying that.
They're getting more than that.
It's more than that.
It's like chin, shit.
It's fucking...
Listen, if you're going to be on television.
You're a huge proponent of plastic surgery.
I mean I've never gotten plastic surgery, but I think if you know you can afford it and it makes sense.
I'm not saying it's a bad thing.
It makes you feel bad.
As long as it's not like, you know, as long as it's tasteful.
What's bad plastic surgery?
Oh, I mean, God, there's you can see it, huh?
Yeah.
A bad hack job.
Of course, yeah.
I mean, and it, yeah, it's all over LA.
It's everywhere.
Now, you're also an expert in Brazilian butt lift, a BBL.
I'm not, but I've looked into it.
I'm not denying what you know about.
Well, I know that, okay, I know two things.
I know that there's two different kinds of BBLs, and one of them is invasive and one of them is non-invasive.
Can you show that Arielle the man with the BBL?
Oh, yeah, what's his target?
I'm a huge fan of Ariel.
Listen, I think everyone should be able to do kind of everything with the investigation.
Yeah, pretty much what they want.
His ass looks better than any of us that we've seen.
Because mostly it's women.
Mostly it's women that get the new ass, but I kind of want an ass, and I might buy Ben an ass.
You should.
I'd fuck the shit out of this guy.
I might buy Ben an ass.
Would your wife mind if I got you an ass?
It's for the show, right?
I can get it taken out later.
No, it's invasive.
It depends what kind you get.
So I can't get it like cut off later?
Cut off?
You amputate your ass?
You inflate it, I think.
Jesus.
No, you wouldn't.
I'm just going to have to understand that the show is the primary.
And if you had a luscious ass, there'd be nothing wrong with that.
Ben, you deserve another.
The show just evolves into you deforming Ben.
Yeah.
I go like this.
I'm like, I'm sick of dressing up in costume, so I'm going to give Ben an ass.
No, you are, you are, you said there's two.
There's the invasive one.
Yeah, there's an invasive one.
I think the other one they just put, I think they just put fillers in versus, but I don't know what an implant is.
Go to a BBL problem, Ben.
Okay.
So like BBL, like when things go real bad for the BBLs.
Because occasionally, you know, one cheek is...
It explodes.
It explodes.
One's higher than the other.
Okay.
I haven't seen that.
You can get scarring.
So this says influencer devastated by drooping bum and lumpy leg.
So if you can see here.
It has one of the highest death rates of all surgeries, I think.
Especially because people don't always get it at a reputable place.
Oh, they go to like Mexico or whatever.
These are taking over cities.
If you walk around cities.
Oh, yeah, yeah, they're everywhere.
People love this.
Just walk around Glendale.
It's like...
Let me ask you a question.
Is it harmful if your ass explodes?
I don't think so.
I think it's as long as it's...
No, I don't know.
I imagine it's not great.
I imagine it's not great.
Like, are you, if a silicone implant explodes in your ass, you're probably at some type of health risk.
Well, I don't think it's silicone.
Oh.
I don't know what.
No, You know what it is?
Fat.
They take, it's lipo.
So they take the fat out of all the other parts of your body, like full body lipo, and then they put that into your ass.
Does it need to be your fat?
I think if you want, I don't, I think.
Because what I'm wondering is why don't they just harvest fat people and get their fat and then use like a spermic acid?
Yeah, because we have a huge problem in this country.
Obesity is an issue.
Yeah.
And we also have the fact that the BBLs are too expensive.
And doesn't it get better if we started using, like, if you can take a fat person, take all their fat and redistribute it to the ass of an inspiring Instagram model?
Yeah, fat redistribution.
A Brazilian butt lift involves three basic steps.
Fat is removed from the hips, lower back, thighs, abdomen, and or areas with lip blood suction.
Extracted fat is purified and prepared for transfer.
What a job.
I'm purifying the fat.
The cosmetic surgeon injects fat into specific points on the buttocks to increase volume and improve shape.
Fat Redistribution and Political Routes00:15:48
What did the Kardashians have done?
They had the best.
Tell us about their doctor is the best.
I don't know.
I really don't know.
I genuinely don't know what they've done.
They all naturally seem to have some like art.
They already have asses.
Kim got too much done.
It looks like really.
Don't they have a special doctor?
Probably.
What do you mean, probably?
Don't you know who it is?
No.
I mean, everybody, I think, speculates, but I don't know.
Are you afraid?
Is she like afraid?
Are you afraid?
No, I don't know.
I'm like, that's all she talks about every day.
Every single day she talks about this very interesting.
Well, here's the thing.
This is what they do.
They promote certain doctors.
Do they go to those doctors?
I don't know, but they promote them on their Instagrams.
So it's hard for me to say that they go to that.
Is this like because they kind of look like you?
Do you have like some weird code where it's like you can't?
It's an Omerta.
You can't, you can't.
You can't talk about like ass issues.
No, listen, I would talk about it.
Yeah, okay.
So Simon Orion, he, and then there's Dr. Gavami.
They both like your people.
Yes, yeah.
Okay.
Actually, Nicole Benham is his niece.
Oh, the girl from Clubhouse?
Yeah, yeah.
I don't want to hear the word clubhouse again in my fucking life.
It's just 15-year-old venture capitalist criminals.
Yeah, well, it's over.
Man, was I wrong about that?
God, so wrong.
But it was fun for like a minute.
It was fun for like a month.
A minute is right.
But yeah, I don't know.
So I don't know if they've ever gone to those doctors for any sort of surgery, but I know that they isn't interesting.
Kim Kardashian is like this very fascinating person.
Yes.
She's like a businesswoman.
She's incredibly smart, savvy, swift, shrewd.
Like she's able to kind of really position herself in this way that has made her one of the most famous people in the world.
But you're also like, you know, in a different world or timeline or whatever you want to call it, she's like a rich wife that lives in like Glendale.
You know?
What do you mean?
Meaning that like it's such an interesting confluence of events that happened.
And it's such an interesting thing that they were able to capitalize on those in the way that they did repeatedly over and over again up until the point they were all billionaires and all famous.
I mean the Hiltons tried this.
Yeah.
Paris Hilton tried this, right?
He had people like Lindsay Lohan, the other person, Lionel Ritchie's daughter.
I mean, we grew up with like these tabloid types of people, and there were even more people than that.
Nobody has come close to the massive empire these people have built.
It's remarkable.
It's completely remarkable.
Is it Chris?
Is it the mom?
Yeah, I think she's ultimately the glue to all of it because I think she keeps everyone in check.
Why do you laugh when she said she's a bad person?
Yeah, she's the mom that releases her daughter's sex tape for fame.
She's a great person.
Can I play Devil's Day?
You know what I'd give for my mom to release my sex tape?
Do you know how to do it?
Me too.
My mom keeps watching mine.
Let me play Devil's Advocate on this because I've heard a lot of hubbub about this.
Love that word.
Your daughter has a sex tape with a guy.
Let me tell me, you have a daughter.
Because Ida doesn't want to have kids.
You have a daughter.
Okay.
Okay.
She has a sex tape.
Okay.
With a well-known guy.
How old's my daughter?
How old was Kim?
2 something, 26, 25?
I don't know.
27.
She's like 12.
No, she wasn't.
She's an adult.
27.
You watch the sex tape.
How old was she?
23.
23.
Okay.
And you see the sex tape that your daughter has with this person, and it's good.
And you can say that.
You can say that objectively.
Oh, it's great.
It's really good.
Like, you can say that objectively.
You can go, you know, I don't love watching this.
It doesn't make me happy to watch it, but it is a good sex tape.
It's not.
It's a bad sex tape.
Is it?
Yeah, it sucks.
You don't barely see anything.
We all jacked off to it back in the day in high school and stuff, and it was like bad.
But it was maybe good for the era.
It was good for the time.
Sure.
Yeah.
It was good for the tape.
Yeah, it was like acoustic.
It was good for the daughter, Ben's daughter, will have to do.
It'll have to be so high dash.
It'll have to be so hardcore.
It'll have to be so different now for him to say it's worth releasing, right?
Like he'll really have to see his daughter just taking it.
And it's just going to be, you know, really up close, like, you know, really, really good, right?
She has to be raped by a villain.
You see that, and you see her way out.
You see her way out of a humdrum housewife life, like you've had for most of your life, Chris Jenner.
I'm the plus one.
I'm the friend of my friend, you know, and you go, well, there's a few ways you can go when you're a housewife, right?
You could be the plus one forever.
You could just go to the country club or you could get decapitated by a psychopath like my friend Nicole Brown Simpson.
The wife of a housewife, maybe not that glamorous in Brentwood, right?
Chris Jenner goes, you got to remember, Chris Jenner watched her friend get decapitated.
Not literally, but maybe, you know, who knows?
This probably lights a fire under her ass a little bit and goes, women have to be more powerful and not rely on men.
Her husband dies, right?
Ex-husband.
Yeah, they were divorced at that point, but yeah.
Right.
She basically says to herself, women maybe need to be powerful.
What is the way?
What is the way to kind of jumpstart my daughter's career?
And I don't know if she did or did not release the tape, but she releases the tape and she thinks to herself, you know, you wonder if Chris Jenner, before she releases that grainy footage of Kim, she might say to herself, you know, one day, we're all going to be billionaires.
You know, like, does a woman like that have some kind of weird thought where she goes, listen, I see the way the culture is going.
I see the way things are happening.
I see what's going on.
I watched the O.J. Simpson trial, the beginning of reality TV.
I watched the way tabloids have taken over.
I watched the way that has seeped into every aspect of our culture.
And I know that if my daughter is to have a shot, if my family is to have a shot, we need to jumpstart this light of fire.
You release the tape.
And how many years later?
20 years later?
Yeah, about 19.
Yeah.
They have an empire.
19 years later, they're the most famous people on earth.
They have an empire.
They are billionaires.
They can do whatever they want.
They can try to cure diseases if they want.
I don't know that that's what they're doing, but they could if they want.
Is it worth it if that comes out of it?
Well, here's what's great about them, though.
They don't.
Kim actually exonerated like a subset.
They've done more for people, I think, on a material level.
For prison reform.
There are so many people in our country who release footage of their children having sex on the dark web and get nothing out of it.
Not a perfume line.
Not a fucking deal at E, not a fucking, right?
No, yeah, you're right.
It's a great point.
Yeah.
And they did it all.
They did that.
Yeah, certainly.
Cosmetics lines, everything.
Everything you can imagine.
They can walk into any Oval Office probably at this point.
Get a match.
They age.
What do you think happens when they're older?
Like, in the future, what's going to happen?
Yeah, because I've got a prediction, but I want to hear yours.
Oh, okay.
Well, I think they'll age gracefully and probably get a facelift or two, but as expected.
But yeah, probably.
What are you saying?
I think they might go some sort of political route.
Politics.
That's what I think.
Wouldn't be the worst idea.
I believe that.
I believe they'll go politics.
You think so?
Yes.
No, I think they want to just go straight capitalist and just...
I think there's a bunch of them.
There's a bunch of them.
Yeah, well.
I think.
Who's going to go for politics?
Rob?
No, of course not.
Truly, I believe.
I'm going to say this, and I'm not even kidding right now.
I'm not kidding.
I don't think Kim Kardashian would be the worst governor of California.
No, not at all.
I truly believe that.
Not at all.
I believe she'd be better than Gavin Newsome.
I believe Kim Kardashian might be a better governor than Gavin Newsome.
She's pragmatic and she understands what people want or want.
She understands people need that bling.
Yeah, no, she understands.
She's more connected to everybody.
People need that fucking apple teeny in the fall.
People need to get their paper.
They need to eat tuna tartare with wontons.
They need to go out to do like a white party every now and then, a hookah bar.
You know, the piglets need little treats.
Piglets need little treats.
And she, is she the worst governor of California?
Is Kim Kardashian the worst governor of California?
No, no, I don't think so.
The best?
I mean, probably not.
I can see it.
I mean, does it even matter who's the little one?
It doesn't even matter.
I think it does.
And I'll tell you why.
I think, number one, here's what I think is interesting.
Caitlin is this totally unserious attempt.
I think Kim's watching that and going, you know, I could do this for real.
Oh, you think that's maybe why the law, the new interest in law, you think is because of an eventual.
I think she's going, how much longer am I going to be a reality?
She's a billionaire already.
She's a billionaire many times over.
She will be.
Yeah.
Where is there to go?
Yeah, it's where is there to go.
How else do you expand your influence?
Where is there to go?
Other than that.
You have the money now.
You kind of want the power.
I think there's a very good chance that one day...
And it's Kim.
I think it's Kim.
Kim is it.
Kim is it.
Yeah.
Or Chris.
No.
No?
No.
Kim has a unique blend of pragmatism.
You could already see she's like, you know, women need to go out and work.
And then people are like, it's insensitive.
But a lot of people are going, hmm, you know what?
I like hearing that.
Yeah.
I like hearing that when she gets out there and revs him up.
I like that.
Let me tell you right now, man, I've become a massive fan of her once she started telling these fat slobs in this country to go to work.
Yeah.
I mean, really.
They don't give handouts.
Ida had the show on one time, and they have like a homeless friend.
There's like a homeless guy that the whole family like hung out with 10 years ago.
So they had him back at the house and they didn't give him anything.
They just were like.
No, they did.
They gave him an apartment.
Oh, really?
Find that now.
They gave him a paper.
For like a month or something?
Find that now, Ben.
Ben, find it now.
They were just like watching him eat ketchup and be like, oh, you love me.
His name is Shorty.
His name is Shorty.
Shorty.
Okay, I can't play clips, but we can read this here.
Chloe Kardashian showed her charitable side on the latest episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians as she reconnected with her homeless friend.
The reality is, I mean, by the way, I mean, just give it to me in the veins.
Put it in my veins right now.
I can't.
They are the, they are, they are, they have met the moment.
They are meeting the moment.
They are the moment.
They are the moment.
The reality star 36 first met Shawty in the first season of the show.
Now that the program is continuing to an end or coming to an end, she instilled some nostalgia in viewers by reaching out and recruiting her family to help secure him an apartment.
So she met Shorty in the first season of the show.
How long has the show gone on?
Oh, let's see.
13 years after first meeting in season one.
So Shorty, was he homeless in season one?
Yeah, I think so.
So Shorty.
So Shorty's had a rough 13.
And now they've decided to have enough money because they don't want to start helping because you got the airplane.
You put the mask on yourself before you help another.
So they've decided now at like, I don't know, their combined net worth of $8 billion, they can buy Shorty an apartment.
After Chloe discovered from word of mouth that Shorty was working at Flips Coin Laundry in Los Angeles, she went in search of her friend, yet the attempt was fruitless before producers helped or track him down in scenes shot last year.
Are we to believe that Chloe went to the coin laundry before she contacted the producers?
In episode seven of Series 1, entitled Helping Hand, Chloe welcomed Shorty into their home after she found him outside of their dash door in 2007.
The sisters then got Shorty cleaned up, bought him new clothes, fixed his teeth, gave him a haircut before they lost touch.
They cleaned him up, gave him a makeover, and then put him back out on the street, which they have to.
What are they going to do?
What is Shorty going to be one of the Kardashians?
This is Shorty Kardashian.
The family has not seen Shorty for 13 years.
It's been a bit.
Chloe had constantly been tweeted by viewers asking what happened to him, whether he was alive.
Can you imagine that?
She's sitting in like a bubble bag.
She's like answering.
She's on like a call with like some marketing company, you know, trying to figure out how to make like, you know, some type of tampon that they're going to sling to people.
And like somebody tweets her, hey, remember Shorty?
Is he alive?
Fans even tagged Chloe in pictures of Shorty when they saw him on the street and said she wanted to see if he was doing well.
I like the idea that he becomes a member of the family.
They give him a fake ass.
They make him all hot.
I like the idea.
Oh, look at him.
Look at Shorty.
There he is.
I like the idea of them taking a photo and going, hey, remember Shorty?
Like they're billionaires.
They go, remember, but what are they supposed to give a fuck?
He's supposed to care about this guy.
He was outside their store.
What movie landscape world do people live in?
What are they supposed to do?
What do you think she's going to do with the apartment?
I'm not saying they shouldn't give it to him.
What do you think Shorty's going to do with the apartment after 13 years on the street?
I mean, you know, he'll do heroin safely.
Yeah.
So the pair drove around getting more tips about Shorty and giving Chloe's number to a guy who claimed to know him.
Soon Shorty was FaceTiming Chloe at her home and being invited for lunch the next day.
It'd be great if he came over and he's like, there's pedophiles underground.
Have you heard about QAnon?
He's like, he's probably a fed.
When he showed up, Shorty told Chloe, Kim and Courtney, that he'd been working at Flips, but it had closed due to COVID.
So now go down.
Go up there.
Pedophiles Underground and QAnon00:14:56
That's a rough.
Look.
He looks worse cleaned up.
Yeah, kind of.
Sisters then got Shorty cleaned up, brought him new clothes, fixed his teeth, give him a hair.
Okay.
That's him now.
Yeah, Shorty.
Oh, Shorty.
He was searching for a job and an apartment, he added.
Chris FaceTimed Shorty and put Kylie Jenner on camera, reminding him she was a little girl when they first met.
Little, that's no little girl, Shorty observed.
You know, he observed it.
He groped.
That's no little girl.
The things I do to her.
The Kardashians later secured a rent-control apartment for Shorty, hoping to help him become more independent.
God does wonder, Shorty said, thankful that he never met the family.
That's it.
Would you just take their word for it?
What?
Did they got him an apartment?
Yeah, I mean, I guess.
It's not that official saving.
Yeah.
At least fuck up or something.
Where's Shorty's spin-off?
It'll probably be on True TV.
Have you seen any of their new show on Hulu?
I've seen one episode, yeah.
The first episode.
What do you think about it?
It's good.
It's elevated.
Elevated version, I think, of the E.
And what?
Why would you say it's elevated?
Explain to us what that means.
Because they're billionaires in shows.
Okay.
It shows in the production value.
They're just the most powerful force, I think, in this city and certainly in the country.
And that's brilliant.
Dude, Ida's so completely out of her mind.
I can't because I don't know.
She says things like that at dinner.
She goes, they're the most powerful force in the world.
I've never meant anything more.
I really have.
I mean, I'm not.
What fascinates you so much?
Let me just have a cigarette.
I'm quitting smoking because I bought a new car.
This is a great way to start.
No, because I have, and everyone doubts me, but they're lying.
You got a Jeep Wrangler.
I bought a Jeep Wrangler.
You bought a Jeep Wrangler.
What fascinates me about them?
I don't know.
We're not going to say the car I bought, but it's so funny that you knew I didn't buy a Jeep.
It's a Jeep Wrangler.
You knew it wasn't a Jeep Wrangler.
I'm not going to say what it is, but I've been trying to help.
Yeah, I know, I knew.
Like I wouldn't.
Yeah.
Can't fool me.
No, I knew.
I knew.
Did you know I was going to get it when we went to look at it?
Yeah, absolutely.
You didn't know.
Yeah, I did.
How?
I remember you when you used to live in Agora Hills.
I remember you calling that specific dealership that won't not be named in Agora.
So I knew you had an interest about it, but you had a thing about you.
We hadn't slept in a long time.
I knew there was no way you weren't walking out of there without the car.
It wasn't like you were just bored.
I haven't slept in 48 hours because of Australia.
I'm still fucked.
Louis Gomez is staying at my house.
Yeah.
So let's get back to...
What did I ask her before we left?
What she thought about...
Do you even pay attention to the show?
Are you just watching golf matches in your own head?
Do you even pay attention to what we're doing here?
I mean, it's an honest question.
So what Ida said is she said they're the most powerful force in the country, and you kind of wanted her to extrapolate that.
And then you went on to the car thing.
What is it about...
Yeah, it's my fault.
It's the way he lays it on.
And then you went on.
Well, I didn't know which thing you wanted to go back to because she didn't really answer that question.
What is it about them particularly that really fascinates you to no end?
I think they've really intelligently utilized every tool that's been given to them in a way that perhaps others wouldn't and haven't.
But also they look like you.
You have a very similar look to them.
I mean, that's a great compliment to me.
Thank you.
Yeah, no, no, that's true.
If they were five Irish women with red hair and freckles with the same kind of power, would you care?
I would scoff at them.
Yeah, you would.
And I would scoff at them.
No, yeah, certainly there's a trial.
But here's the thing.
Before, I was not a big fan because I thought they were misrepresenting them.
Pull up Gina Reinhardt.
Pull up the woman that I'm obsessed with from Australia.
She could buy and sell the Kardashians.
Pull up Big Gina.
Buy and sell her.
Pull up my girl.
Pull up Big Gene.
Oh, boy.
Who is she?
She's the richest world.
She's the world's yeah, she fucks with iron ore.
What did her daddy do?
Mining.
Lang Hancock, they discovered the mines in Australia.
She's a gangster.
Boy, could she use the Kardashians?
They could use her.
They haven't gotten their hands on some mines.
That's the next thing they should start doing is mining.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, they probably will.
20 years from now, like 10 years from now, they have a special.
They're like, remember Bluklup?
The miner that Chloe met in the first season of the Kardashian mods?
Well, he's since lost his arm and foot, but people were tagging photos of him dragging himself in the dirt village where he lived.
And Chloe went and bought him water.
They got reunited.
That's the next thing they should get into is just total domination of natural resources.
Well, they'll probably go into renewable energy.
That's their audience and their forward thinking.
What do you mean that's their audience?
Their audience is people that are into renewable energy.
They're the environmentalists watching the Kardashians.
That's their audience, Tim.
Perhaps they're not.
People that care about green energy.
Well, their audience is so expansive.
It's so big.
It is.
Yeah, sure.
Look at their Instagram following alone.
It's unbelievable.
Is it bigger than mine?
I mean, do you have 278 million followers on Instagram?
I don't know.
I think I have followers that aren't.
You might have better engagement.
No, I don't.
I don't want the engagement.
Leave me alone.
But I'll tell you right now, they are, it's just a uniquely American, fascinating group of people.
And my fan, some of my fans probably hate this because they're like, you should be on the shit.
But I used to think that way.
I used to think that.
You should be shitting on them because that's your job to shit on them.
Just shit on everybody.
It's like, maybe not.
Maybe I want to ride to the moon with them on a nuke.
I don't want to hang out with people that care about stand-up comedy so goddamn much.
Rich people don't care about stand-up comedy at all.
Like real rich, when you meet real rich people, they just don't give a shit about any of it.
They're like, yeah, let the clowns do it.
Who gives a fuck about them?
Let them do whatever they want.
But no, they interest me a lot.
It's interesting.
You think that her and Pete, it's going to last?
I have no opinion on that.
Okay.
I have no opinion.
I'm trying to get some.
I feel like I've got her on the stand here.
I feel like I've got you on the stand.
You have no opinion.
What do you mean you have no opinion?
I don't know.
You have no opinion on that.
You've studied them like a course in school.
It's been a recent discussion.
Because here's the thing.
I used to doubt them and make fun of them like everybody else until I realized like, oh, no, These people are like, it's something, something hit where I like suddenly the light switch went off.
I was like, oh, she's like, she the person.
We all have a person we want to have a lunch with.
She's up there.
Who else would even be close in your book?
Dead or alive?
Alive, Ida.
I mean, I don't know.
I don't know that version of the question.
I don't know.
A dead person?
I'd rather have lunch with Queen Elizabeth.
It's like, will you stop?
No, not Queen Elizabeth.
Yeah, she's probably on the spot.
I can't even think of anybody.
But yeah, she's like Donald Rumsfeld and Kim Kardashian.
Well, he's dead.
He's dead.
Yeah.
Donald Rumsfeld and Kim Kardashian.
What do you think a lunch with her would be like if she was really honest?
Here's the thing with these people.
Yeah.
They're always brand whatever, right?
So like they're brand, they're always conscious of how they come off.
What do you think a real honest lunch with her would be like if you sat down with her and she was honest with you about everything?
I don't think she.
Does she possess the ability to be?
Like she gets a little soft.
No, she doesn't drink really.
She doesn't drink, but like do you think she'll just do you think she looks at you during that lunch and goes, I own the world.
I would hope.
That's why I want the lunch.
I own the world, Ida.
I own the world.
Do you think she looks at you and goes, the people are nothing without me?
Like, what do you think they, what is their family backdoor sessions like?
I mean, no, but the mystique is what is.
When I wrote a thing about them, I wrote that the Hiltons, get the thing.
I'm going to find the thing that I wrote about.
Yeah, this is when you wrote about them.
I wrote something kind of brilliant about it.
And see, their reputation has evolved over time.
So I wonder how long ago this was that you wrote this.
I'm telling Lewis to come.
What's the address here, Ben?
Well, I'm not going to say it on the show, but here, just let me text it.
Text him.
I wrote a brilliant thing.
I wrote something.
I really have to go back to writing these long form things because it's some of the best content that Facebook has ever seen.
I did a lot of my best work on Facebook.
I agree.
It was before I knew you I would read those.
And I just wrote about Soup and the Kardashians sometimes.
And it was, now I sound, I've become the Brooke and Connor show.
Like I've literally become it.
It's not a joke anymore.
Like, like, Facebook is, like, older.
And, like, see if you could find Kardashians and Hiltons, please, please, please, please.
And we'll edit some of this out if it's dead air, but see if you can do it.
Kim Kardashian.
And I wrote about these two dynasties and how these two dynasties, because a lot of people were writing about the Bushes and the Clintons as dynasties.
Maureen Dowd was writing about the Bushes and the Clintons as dynasties in the New York Times.
She was obsessed with that kind of Shakespearean dynastic thing.
And I started comparing the Hiltons and the Kardashians.
And it was a longer form thing.
Oh, yeah, maybe that's it.
This thing about Bruce Jenner?
January 30th, 2015?
No, no, that's not it.
Hold on.
Was it on Tumblr?
No, I didn't put it on Tumblr.
Yeah, there it is, right?
Isn't that it?
Yeah.
I think.
Paris Hilton's younger brother, Conrad, not the power bottom Baron, was behaving like a lunatic on a flight and had to be restrained.
The Hiltons are like a nightmare.
There's a reason the Kardashians are the first family of this country.
They have it all.
They don't go nuts on planes.
They get Deewees like normal people.
They have, one, a biracial couple.
Two, a person in transition from a man to a woman.
Three, models.
Four, a world-class athlete.
Four, a five, a fat person, but never more than one at one time.
Chloe now robbed.
Chris Janner is the original mamager.
Mamager, a bulldog who splits, who spins kids into gold.
The Kardashians are the perfect new money empire.
They're connected to the worlds of hip-hop, sports, reality, TV, and fashion.
The Hiltons are fading wasps of yesteryear, living off a fortune earned years before they could snort it.
The Hiltons are the worst kind of white.
The Kardashians fit perfectly into the zeitgeist because they helped create it.
I raised my glass to them as you should.
And I mean...
It's perfectly stated.
It would have been a shame if I answered the question because I couldn't have said that.
And that's exactly.
Oh, you couldn't have?
I couldn't have.
Well, you know, I didn't really, I didn't know we were going to do 40 minutes on the Kardashians.
Your fan base is going to hate me for those.
No, they might hate me for it, but the reality is I think we got another hour in us of it.
I mean, I could talk about them for, yeah.
I think we got another two or three hours in us of this.
Yes, I'll love that.
That'll be great.
Let me tell you right now one of the guests I'd love to see on JRE.
Why does he not have Kim?
I was wondering why.
Kim, thanks for doing this, mom.
Fuck yeah, mom.
You're like, fucking, it's weird because you're famous and you're very famous.
Isn't fame weird, mom?
Because, you know, when you get famous, people like, I don't like being famous.
And my friends don't like it either.
Like Elon Musk.
They hate fame.
And it's weird.
But it's like this, you can only, like when you're famous, like you're famous, you can only like relate to other famous people.
It gets weird.
You become like in this little cocoon of famous people.
And that's why I moved to Austin because I can be around simple people like Sandra Bullock and Matthew McConaughey.
Because they're simple.
They're farmers.
They're farmers.
And it's fucking weird.
Are you vaccinated, Kim?
Brett Weinsey just leering at her like... TimDillonComedy.com.
Ladies and gentlemen, we all love you and we appreciate you and we appreciate the people that watch this show all the time.
We really do.
And I know that Joe Rogan revealed why he would have Kim Kardashian on his podcast.
Oh.
Oh, good.
2019.
Okay, good.
Well, I'm glad the door is open, but we do appreciate everybody who watches this show.
And I would like to extend an invite to any of the Kardashians to come.
We could get Rob.
Yeah.
We want Caitlin, but Nelcat Caitlin.
You don't want Caitlin.
Yeah, we do.
Okay.
You don't want Caitlin bars.
No, you want Caitlin, but, you know, if you could have Caitlin or... I would rather Kim.
Of course.
Of course.
Yeah.
I'd rather the one who wasn't exiled from the family.
Is she on, is Caitlin on the new season?
I have no idea.
I don't think so.
I think they...
Should we turn it into a Kardashians podcast and just talk about the Kardashians until we kill ourselves?
Yeah, I mean, it wouldn't be unprofitable.
I love Ben an hour and 40 minutes in has decided to work.
She's not.
Caitlin Jenner says it's unfortunate she's not involved in the Kardashian.
It's unfortunate.
That's sad.
She loved to go on Rogan.
Caitlin's like tried to get on nine times.
Well, wait, why doesn't he ever?
I don't know.
Yeah, why doesn't he ever?
Maybe he's just like, what are we going to do?
What?
Well, when she comes on, you got to treat her like a legitimate political candidate.
Like, what are you going to do?
No, come on.
She wouldn't.
She wouldn't look at herself that way, right?
I mean, come on.
Yeah, she tried to run for governor.
I mean, did she really try?
Like, she knew that was.
She laughed to do Celebrity Big Brother.
It's not exactly a commitment, but.
Mainstream Institutions Accept Energy Drinks00:02:16
It's not exactly what we need in this state.
We need somebody a little stronger.
Will she keep running for governor, you think?
No.
It's over.
It was just a fun thing.
She'll probably run over the next governor.
She might hit the next governor.
I think Kim's the hope.
Yeah.
Kim might be the hope.
It's really looking that way.
Yeah.
I can't really think of anybody else.
As I just said, they're the most powerful force in the world.
Well, they've bridged the gap between mainstream and like independent success, I think, in a unique way, where they're doing their own thing, but they're accepted by all mainstream institutions at the same time.
So it's really limitless.
They're accepted by mainstream institutions.
Yeah, they are.
Okay.
They are.
Like the Met.
Like the Met?
Sure, yeah.
Like Disney.
I mean, they're with Disney now.
They're with.
Is there a Kardashian Disney film one day?
Where it's just like a bunch of princesses with big asses who like help a homeless guy.
We met a guy named Shorty.
And 13 years he struggled.
And then we gave him our energy drink.
We got to come up with a fucking cool energy drink.
That's what's really hurt this show.
Logan Paul has one.
Nel has a hard seltzer.
I need to come up with a toxic, like Brazilian coffee that gives people like botulism and kills them.
What if we just started selling tap water called tap?
We need to really get involved with like a very shady food and beverage packaging company and just like start slinging shit.
And get the Kardashians involved.
They'll sling it.
Suck you.
They'll sling it.
They'll sling it.
I had a type of colleague, Devin Costa, the always ungrateful and vastly, I mean, just useless in a way that's shocking, stunning, in a way that's surprising to me how out of it he is.
Free Ben.
How truly out of it he is.
Free him.
Free him.
He can go back to the pet store he used to work at.
That's real freedom.
Dealing with comics, it would come in and talk about fucking their cat.