Tim is stalked by a woman in New York City, and gets the very mysterious and definitely real "Havana Syndrome" while staying at the same hotel as Harry and Meghan. He dives head first into the two chubby Southwest Florida boys planning a massacre at their school, and wonders why he doesn't have more mainstream success on respectable platforms like HBO.Bonus episodes every week:▶▶ https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshowSee Tim Live on the road:▶▶ http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS:🩳 UNDERWEAR:Order with PROMO CODE Tim▶▶ https://www.sheathunderwear.com/🔒 VPN:Get three months free▶▶ https://www.expressvpn.com/timdillon🥣 CEREAL:Use code TimDillon for free shipping!▶▶ https://magicspoon.com/timdillon🔵 BLUE CHEW :Use promo TD▶▶ https://bluechew.com/🤖 MANSCAPED:Use code TIMD▶▶ https://www.manscaped.com/👨🦱 HAIR LOSS:▶▶ https://www.keeps.com/TimDillon📦 SHIPPING:Enter code TIMDILLON▶▶ https://www.shipstation.com/🎧 HEADPHONES:For 15% off!▶▶ https://www.buyraycon.com/tim🤳 COLOGNE AND SKINCARE:Use code TIM▶▶ https://hawthorne.co/🛏️ BEDS:▶▶ https://helixsleep.com/timdillon🚗 INSURANCE:▶▶ https://gabi.com/timdillon🚬 QUIT SMOKING:Use code TIM:▶▶ https://lucy.co💆THERAPY▶▶ https://www.betterhelp.com/TIMD📦 BOX OF AWESOME▶▶ http://boxofawesome.com use code TIMDILLON at checkout for 20% off💊 MASF SUPPLEMENTS▶▶ https://masfsupplements.com/ use code TIMD for 10% OFF🧴 DUKE CANNON DEODERANT▶▶ https://dukecannon.com/ use code DILLON for 10% off💍 NORTHBANDS RINGS▶▶ https://www.northbands.com/ use promo code TIM for 20% offCERTIFIED PIEDMONTESE BEEF▶▶ 25% OFF with discount code TIMDILLON at https://www.cpbeef.comHELLO FRESH▶▶ Go to https://www.hellofresh.com/timdillon12 for 12 free meals including free shipping!GET ACRE GOLD and start investing in physical Gold today!▶▶ https://www.GetAcreGold.com/TimDillonMAKE CRYPTO SIMPLE!▶▶ Visit https://Dchained.com/Inner-Circle and sign-up today.BIRD DOGS!▶▶ https://www.birddogs.com/ use code TIMDILLONDOORDASH▶▶ Download the Doordash app and enter code TIMDILLON to get 25% off.SIMPLI SAFE▶▶ https://simplisafe.com/timdillon to save 20%DRAFTKINGS▶▶ Download DraftKings app and use the code TIMDILLON to get a free shot at a one million dollar prize ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ 𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃:📸 Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/🐦 Twitter:https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon🌍 Tim Dillon Live Dates!:http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows📹 Subscribe to the channel:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC161r7ShBvMxfyzCtiSMRbgListen on Spotify!https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1woKiAazAKPWPkHjds ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ ▶▶ Ed McMahonbenavery33@gmail.comhttps://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬#TheTimDillonShow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Stalkers in the Hotel00:10:37
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show audio-only episode.
Direct your rage at the citizens of Baltimore, Maryland.
I will be at Magoobi's tomorrow night in Timonium, which is not even Baltimore.
It's like a town outside of Baltimore.
It's like if a rest stop became a town, it's not a town.
I don't know what it is.
But I'll be at Magoobi's Laugh House, a very fun but unfortunately named comedy club.
And in order to get there and do it on time, we were unable to use our temporary studio in Hollywood, California.
And we are broadcasting from a room in a hotel.
And I don't want to say which hotel, even though many of you will find that out anyway, because we had one crazy bitch already phone.
This is our first stalker.
Of course, it's a dumb cunt.
It can't be some fucking hot dude who wants to fuck me to death.
Some guy with a fucking hot, fat fetish.
He just wants to beat the shit out of me with his cock and then blow our brains out.
It can't be that.
It's like some dumb yoga instructor who's fat.
Well, good for me.
Good for me.
I have some dumb fat yoga instructor who's stalking me.
Of course I would.
Of course I couldn't even get like some hot fucking guy or girl.
And this slob shows up at the hotel that I'm staying at.
We came here to New York for a few days.
I don't tell anyone when I'm coming here because I don't want to talk to them.
And I don't want them to request me to do things I don't want to do.
You know, people reach out to me if you want to do my show.
It's, you know, it's in a laundromat and we're, you know, raising money for it.
No, Stay away from me.
There are certain clubs where I miss the people at the clubs, but also I don't.
You know, that's part of life.
I do in theory and in my head and in my mind, but in reality, I do not.
So I don't even let them know I'm here, even though I would like to go to see some of those people, but I wouldn't.
Do you know?
I have this very complex relationship with that.
I want to do it, but I don't.
But I do.
And I will, but I won't.
So I'm here incognito.
Nobody knows where I am.
I'm just shuffling around.
I did the Red Scare podcast with Anna Hashin and Dasha Nekrasova.
Brilliant cultural critics.
Hot bitches.
I put up a photo with them, and you could tell a lot of my more intelligent fans are like, yo, this guy fucks women.
He's fucking these bitches.
And I'm like, okay, fair enough.
That's whatever.
But I didn't really tell anyone I was here.
I was here for three days.
Three days you can't get all the, you know, if I was here for two weeks, I'd tell people.
But it's three days I'm in and out.
We were going to do a sketch with Lil Sasquatch at Barstool Sports.
We could not figure one out in time.
He came over to the hotel.
Me, him and Ben were writing, eating Sichuan, Chinese food, Sejuan, really good, spicy, the middle of the night, no good.
I wake up at 3.30 in the morning to a phone call from the manager of the hotel, the front desk, going, someone's here to see you.
And I know this fat bitch is listening to this.
And I'll tell you right now, you're lucky I didn't walk down into the lobby and beat the living shit out of you.
Because that's the next thing I will do.
You fat bitch.
Seriously.
Okay?
I'm staying at the same hotel with Harry and Megan Markle, okay?
My friends, who I thought when the phone rang at 3.30 in the morning, I said, well, this is the end of me.
Because they called it a favor.
That's what I thought.
I thought they called in a favor.
And like a guy dressed up, like a postmate's delivery guy was going to come in here and put a blow dart in my neck.
Okay?
Because, you know, Meghan Markle heard what I've said and felt some sort of way.
So those two intellectual heavyweights are also in the hotel, along with every other diplomat in New York.
Everybody's got Havana syndrome here.
Nobody, you know, forks are sticking to people's heads.
I'm just trying to get the fucking mustard sauce with the file buff.
And this fat slut whore pig calls, walks in here, waddles her ass in here, and maybe she thought I had food, but she called, they call me at 3.30 in the morning.
They go, Cameron Heron wants to see you.
Somebody's down here to see you.
I said who?
They said, Cameron Heron.
Now, Cameron Heron is a poor kid who murdered a woman with his car and her baby.
I talked about it two episodes a month ago.
I don't know.
Yeah, about five or six episodes.
A kid in Tampa, good looking, was on TikTok.
Everybody was like, he's too hot to go to jail.
They put him in jail.
You know, real, he's a rough situation.
Okay.
I tried to make light of it.
Whatever.
It is what it is.
He's getting married.
He's fine.
He's going to be in jail, but he's doing better than most people I know.
24-year jail sentence.
Most people I know not doing as well as him.
Okay?
So I hang up the phone.
Now I'm terrified.
Cameron Heron.
I don't know what's going on.
Of course, I think Megan and Harry are drunk and playing games.
And that's literally for a minute because you've got to remember it's the middle of the night.
It's the middle of the night, and this is what I think.
I think that Harry and Megan, because they're like maybe in the penthouse.
I don't know.
The penthouse is $75,000 a night.
Maybe they're not springing for that.
Who's paying for this, by the way?
Diana left him money, so he's spending that and he has a stipend or whatever.
I think the Royals are kind of like, hush, hush, just keep it up.
You know what I mean?
You can't have them staying at a Clarion.
You know what I mean?
Or you should see the Hotel Benz at.
God.
I mean, a horror.
They want stalkers in that hotel.
Anyone comes in.
So I think, I don't know what's going on.
I said, Harry and Megan are playing games now, and they're calling me in the middle of the night, and they're trying to give me Havana syndrome.
Explain what Havana syndrome is, please, because there's people that listen to the show who don't have any idea where they are.
So explain to them.
So about 140 people have got this so far in like Cuba and the U.S. and a couple other places.
And basically it's...
Primarily CIA agents are getting this, right?
That's correct.
This isn't something we don't think is going to be widely dispersed through the population.
No, no, no.
I want to read the actual list of symptoms, but it is pretty crazy.
A lot of people report that they only feel the symptoms in their hotel room.
And by the way, they don't know how they get this because it's a direct energy weapon.
It's through like microwave, what would you call that, Tim?
Microwave waves?
Microwaves, I guess.
Like, not through an radiation.
Yeah, yeah.
He's scaring me about this all fucking the last couple of days.
Talking about we all going to get Havana syndrome.
Well, yeah, as soon as I walked in the hotel, this is the last place I'd want to be if I wanted to get Havana syndrome.
Jamie Diamond's outside.
You're not going to give anyone fucking Havana syndrome.
You're going to fuck him up.
He's still out there, by the way.
I just walked by him.
Of course he is.
What's he going to do?
Where's he going?
Fucking out there drinking wine.
You think, where's our friends?
All of our unemployed friends are to many saints in Newark.
And then they're lost $12 watching a movie.
So they suspect that microwaves are the main suspect of this.
Microwaves?
Microwaves, yeah.
That's what they're saying.
We're not staying in a hotel with microwaves.
How does this work?
People are getting sick.
People are getting a little sick of the CIA's act.
So the CIA comes into the country and starts playing games.
And now these countries are fighting back using microwaves.
Yeah.
Well, it's hard to get mad at that.
So you'll be sitting in your room and all of a sudden it feels like you're, you know, when you roll the windows down in the back seat?
I do.
That'll happen for like 30 minutes to like an hour.
You have nausea, headaches, just weird, unexplained symptoms.
You don't know how you got it.
And a lot of people think this is Russian intelligence doing this.
Okay.
So then terrified me.
He goes, we're all going to get Havana syndrome here.
Okay.
Well, we don't have Havana syndrome.
I have Cuban sandwich syndrome because I got a fat girl in the lobby.
She shows up at 4 o'clock in the morning, 3.30, and she gives this fake name, Cameron Herron.
Then they call me back.
I said, I don't know who.
I'm not entertaining guests.
I'm asleep.
I go, it's 3.30 in the morning.
What are we doing?
I hang the phone up.
I go use the bathroom.
They call back.
They go, we're kidding.
She was using a fake name.
She said it was a joke.
Here's her real name.
I said, I don't know who this is.
I don't know who this person is.
I don't want her here.
The next day, today, we're recording this when?
Today, Wednesday, September 22nd.
Wednesday, September 22nd.
So if anything happens between now and when we release this Saturday, just know that we're recording it Wednesday.
If there's like a nuclear attack that we don't address, it's also not as important as this to me, unless it happens to me, unless I'm vaporized, which, again, I wouldn't be able to address it anyway.
But this woman then calls back and gives her real name, and I go, I don't know her.
Today, she's in the lobby again, and we're on Long Island, and I get a phone call that this woman is in the thing again.
And I explain to the people at this hotel, which is the hotel that Megan and Harry stay at.
QAnon Vibes Today00:15:28
It's the best Western in Times Square.
Okay?
It's where I stay when I come to New York.
I say the best Western with Megan and Harry.
So Megan Markle, Harry, me, the diplomats, Havana syndrome, Jamie Dimon, and this fat whore are all here together trying to just have a fucking souffle before the end.
Okay?
That's what this area of New York City is called, the Upper East Side.
It's let's do a little wine and cheese before the end.
The door is slamming shut on the American century, but before it does, let's sneak a little Cabernet in there and a little chase.
That's all.
That's all we're asking for.
Okay?
No talk of revolution here.
The quieted, muted tones of a group of people Accepting the ephemeral nature of the civilization that they've built, you know, with all its problems.
Anyway, so this Goliath beast of a woman who like does yoga.
Can you imagine?
Yoga's a real fat thing, isn't it?
You just sit around and like put your leg in the air.
So, and that's what it is, right?
Isn't yoga you just like drink smoothies and sit on your ass?
I guess you could be really fat and still do it.
But isn't it just learning how to fart and stuff?
I haven't really done much of it, but I imagine that's the majority of it is learning how to like open your body so that you can pass gas, which I imagine is what this woman does.
So, Piglet shows up again.
I tell him, I said, beat her up.
I tell them on the phone, I said, hit her.
You know, like, like, fuck her up.
Like, I hate the cops.
I don't want to get the cops involved.
But I'm like, you got a bunch of Secret Service.
You got some ex-intelligence people.
Just smack her around.
You know, put the head in the toilet.
You know what I mean?
Like, just put hands on her.
I literally said the guy.
I go, why don't you put some hands on her?
You do it like Casino.
Open the door with her head.
I have no problem bumping into my fans ever.
I go, hey, what's up?
Let's take a photo, whatever.
Don't fucking wake me up at four o'clock in the morning, you fat bitch.
So I said, listen, open the door with her head, put her head in the toilet, kick her, a couple of body shots to the kidneys.
Fuck her up.
Fuck her up.
They obviously legally can't do that.
I offered to pay extra for them to rough her.
I say, Ray, will you rough her up?
Gruff her up a little bit.
But they threw her out, took her name.
She can't come in now without trespassing.
But this is the level we're at now.
Now I got to check in every hotel, unregistered guest.
She tried to call me on Instagram.
She tried to call Ben.
Imagine stalking Ben.
She tried to call Ben on Instagram.
What do you think she would have said?
I don't know.
She sent me a message.
I was going to show you because I saw it on the way over here.
Get the message out.
Because this is interesting.
She said something about you being in New York.
She said, I don't know why he's here.
I'm going to read it exactly, though.
And then I'm going to.
This is payback because I've always said stalkers are funny because they are.
You know, like whenever somebody says I'm trying to protect Taylor Swift.
Look at that.
Yeah, so this woman goes, why is he here?
I don't understand what's going on.
And Miss Call, Miss Call on Instagram.
Yeah.
Yeah, she's a little terrifying.
Why is he here?
I don't understand what's going on.
And it looks like she's here.
She's here to punch you in the face.
That's why I'm here.
But this is what's going on.
We got a psychopath here.
These stalkers, imagine stalking me.
It's the lowest level.
I mean, what a horror.
What an embarrassment to stalk me, stalking a podcaster.
Mark Marin told us he has a stalker.
She just hangs outside of his house.
She leaves oils on his porch.
Yeah, and the cops go, we can't really do much.
The cops said to Marin, the cops go, yeah, man, she's out there.
He goes, I know.
She's out there.
He goes, yeah, she's like out there.
Yeah, she's also literally out there.
But you can't do much.
You don't have a lot of legal rights to stop these people from stalking you.
I just thought because we're in a really nice hotel with a bunch of fucking spooks and intel guys here that we could, you know, I don't know, give her Havana syndrome.
Put her head in the microwave.
What's the problem here?
I'm paying a lot of money here.
I'm paying a good amount of money.
Put her head in the fucking microwave.
Kick her in the ass and get her out of here.
You think Sebastian Menescalco has stalkers?
Like they call him up and they're like, hey, somebody's here.
She's like, Jesus fucking Christ.
I don't know.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm telling you right now, I got stalkers?
Stalkers?
People are trying to kill me.
People are stalking me.
They show up to my hotel.
I go, what are you doing?
Aren't you embarrassed?
Do they stalking me?
Are you crazy?
You're a stalker?
But, you know, I mean, I think I handled it maturely.
I told him, fuck her up.
Yep.
But this is a psychotic individual that would send a message and say, why is he here?
I don't understand what's going on.
Bitch, what do you mean what's going on?
I'm fucking freely traveling as a citizen of the United States of America.
What do you mean, what's going on?
That means someone's really sick.
That's a sick person.
Got to keep tabs on them.
I'll stalk her.
Like, I'll have people stalk her, too.
I got a lot of friends without jobs.
They'll sit outside your house.
I got a lot of people that don't have shit to do, by the way.
I'll put them on a salary.
They can sit around and ask you why you go where you go.
But it's one of those things when you get known a little bit, you're going to every now and then get a psycho.
Yeah.
You know?
The I don't understand what's going on.
It's almost like, oh, but Tim isn't continuing on with the plan.
He's not supposed to be here right now.
Almost like in her head, like she's like, he's not supposed to be here.
He's supposed to be in X, Y, or Z, fulfilling the prophecy of whatever.
Like almost a QAnon type thing.
Like, why would she say, I don't understand what's going on?
Well, because sometimes in these people's heads, they're in like some type of relationship with you that they don't understand that you do a show that they listen to.
They think you're literally talking to them.
And now, bitch, I am.
But they think I'm literally talking to them.
I will go down to the Bronx right now and spread a lot of money around.
I will have teenagers stomp you out in front of your apartment.
You understand?
Break your ribcage.
This is not about violence against women.
It's about violence against women.
W-M-A-N, specific.
But no, maybe these people are in a relationship with you in their mind.
Do they think they think there's layers to some?
I don't understand, but it's insanely inappropriate to show up at somebody's hotel room and demand to see them at 3.30 in the morning.
And you told your wife, Ben's wife is all spooked.
Yeah.
She was a little scared.
She was scared that the woman wasn't going to kill me.
She was scared that the woman was thrown out.
Then now that's another plan that she's hatched.
It's not going to go anywhere.
They know they're in the will now, so everything's like, you know.
Well, listen, I mean, you know, this is part of what we're going to have to deal with, I guess, as the show gets more popular.
People are, why are you looking disturbed?
What are you looking at?
I'm seeing the previous message she sent me.
What is it?
It says, hey, Polly, I hope you're well.
Since you chuds don't watch makeup tutorials, it's the same as my conspiracy or scandal, follow the money.
Here's a link to the evolution of Morphe has been linked to everyone in the beauty community who has had controversy the last two years.
And Morph is like some, it's like a makeup brand that was involved with James Charles.
That's what it seems.
Yeah.
This chick's takes on Dobrik are quite good, too.
So, and she called me Polly for some reason.
Yeah.
Is there any chance this is Gabby Petito?
Would Gabby Petito fake her own death, gain weight, and then stalk me?
We covered the whole Gabby Petito thing on Patreon.
I will say this.
I'll address the tweet that people are getting angry about.
Don't go to national parks, which I think is, I think that's, and people go, no, you're unhealthy and fat, and that's why you don't like national parks.
I go, no, I'm not a murderer.
That's why I don't like them.
They seem to be frequented by killers.
Lots of people that murder other people hang out there.
A lot of people disappear in national parks.
I had somebody on the Patreon who wrote an entire book about it.
John Billman.
Yeah.
And what is the book called?
Let me pull that up.
I love how he has the name of the guy, but not the name of the book.
You would think, I thought for a minute he pulled up the name of the book, but he somehow has the name of the guy and not the name of the book.
It's like an amazing.
Well, hey, any problems with the episode?
It's Havana syndrome.
The cold vanish.
The cold vanish.
People go out for like a light jog and they're gone.
Gone.
And then, you know, you could keep blaming mountain lions and bears, but let's be honest.
I think there's something else going on.
I don't know what it is, and I don't want to find out.
I'm just saying it's not exactly the, you know, safest place to be.
And people are like, you're victim blaming.
You're trying to make a joke out of this.
And I'm like, you know, hey, do we need a trial?
Yes.
We explain it on the bonus episode.
We need a trial to get us out of where we're at with COVID.
Everything, people are still talking about TikTok.
It's like that should be over already.
COVID should be over already.
We're living in a hangover right now of news that should be overrated.
This should have been flushed down the toilet already, the old turlet.
But we are just circling the train here.
And we need an OJ Simpson style.
It'll never be OJ, but something good, juicy that we could sink our teeth into to help us get over this hump.
What is going on in Texas?
Well, so right now in Del Rio is a city where a lot of people...
Where is Del Rio?
Del Rio.
Is that where Joe Rogan is building a new comedy club?
It's somewhat far away from Austin, probably about four or five hours.
Is it not in Del Rio?
Aren't we all building a new comedy scene in Del Rio or no?
No, no.
So what's going on there?
So we got Haitian migrants that are moving from Central and South America.
To do comedy.
Yes?
Perhaps.
Okay.
Perhaps.
I don't know what their dreams are.
Have they heard?
Because we put up that bat signal.
Go on.
So a lot of them, you remember in 2010, you remember the massive earthquake in Haiti?
Do not.
There was the one that pretty much decimated.
I don't remember.
And it's not because it didn't affect me and I'm a fucking piece of shit white guy.
It's because of Havana syndrome.
So although I am usually paying very close attention to the tragedies of the world, Havana syndrome.
So there was an earthquake in Haiti in 2008.
I do remember that a little.
It's a little bit of the, I get it.
It's coming through the haze.
It was really, it was a really bad one.
I believe you.
Yeah, yeah.
So, yeah, Patrice had that bit about it.
When people see disaster, they, yeah.
Yeah, so jerk it off.
Brilliant.
Yes.
So a lot of these, you know, Haitian people came over to South America and Central America, and now they're making their way up through Del Rio.
A lot of people think it's from the recent one.
It took 10 years?
Well, no, they've just been down there, and there's been rumors through social media that they were letting people in through Del Rio for whatever reason.
And so now they're all coming into that city.
Gotcha.
And that the border wall was supposedly down, and then Governor Abbott declared a state of emergency, and everybody's just kind of losing their mind.
We were watching Tucker.
He is in a wheelchair.
Who's taking him seriously?
How did he lose his legs?
He's going for a jog after a storm.
The guy's tree in someone's yard fell on him and paralyzed him, and he like sued, and then he gets money every month for it.
I feel like this is a lie, but whatever.
God bless the governor of Texas.
Now, the Haitian migrants are why they're under a bridge.
And then the state of Texas has sent people out on horseback.
That's what I've seen, yeah.
Yeah, which is, it's not a phenomenal look.
Yeah, they're using reins like whips to round up Haitian immigrants.
They're not really using the whips.
They're using the reins on the horses.
The way the photos are taken.
I see.
It looks like they're lassoing the migrants.
But we got to, can we not, with the horses for a minute, can we just, I understand that they always want to bring the horses out in Texas for crowd control.
But, you know, it does look a little bad in the photos, right?
Yeah, it doesn't look good.
It looks a little Django unchained.
So why don't we just, you know, I don't know.
Let's just...
But I guess the horses are, in their minds, they're saying it's necessary.
It's good for crowd control.
None of the migrants have had COVID tests, so they want to be, you know, I guess if you're on a horse, you're kind of six feet away.
Yeah, that's true.
Right?
There are like supposedly reports of 10,000 to 15,000 people.
This is a lot of people.
It's a lot of people in Del Rio.
And they're here, and the debate is the same debate that's been going on for a very long time.
How many immigrants can America absorb?
What does an American citizen owe to people coming over the border?
And how can you maintain a society with all of these questions?
This is, you know, the same debate and the same argument that we've been having, which would make, you know, if we weren't doing all these things around the world that created the conditions for a lot of this migration, like if we weren't, you know, when people get mad at the Afghan migrants, they're like, well, now they're going to come here.
Borders Are Inherently Racist00:06:17
Well, yeah, because we spent 20 years there.
But if we weren't doing those things, it would be more clear, like this debate.
But we've been going all over the world, overthrowing governments, creating chaos, and creating situations where you have refugees that are then flooding into Europe, the U.K., and then the U.S.
It doesn't mean that the people that are concerned about immigration are wrong.
I think those concerns are valid.
I don't think they're racist.
I don't think they're xenophobic.
I don't think, certainly some of them are, right?
But I think the main concern of how many immigrants can a country absorb and at what pace is largely economic.
And that's really always been the case.
To have these, you know, immovable opinions on these things like AOC seems to have or some people on the right seem to have don't make any sense to me.
There are periods of time when you need more immigrants to come in.
And then there are periods of time, one might argue, a pandemic, skyrocketing wealth inequality.
Lots of issues already.
Fair amount of immigrants in the country already that haven't been legalized, um that during a period like this period, you may not need as many or you may want to hold off bringing more in until you figured what's going on.
You figured out what's uh, a fair process to bring people in.
But just making that point has already made me a Nazi in the.
In the eyes of somebody who says no, no human is illegal.
Borders are inherently racist.
We cannot have a country uh, America as a country is racist.
We should give it back to the native Americans.
We're all on stolen land.
And you go.
What does this mean?
What is the plan?
How does all this work?
And then they go.
I'm just gonna watch the Met Gala and you go.
But you just said a lot that we're on stolen land and we got to give the country back.
But who gives it back first?
And they go.
I'm going to now tweet about the real housewives for an hour.
You go.
But wait a minute.
What about the country and the stolen land?
So you're on stolen land, tweeting about the real housewives.
Nobody's serious about any of this.
We, uh Mullen, said once, you know all these politics are, it's all aesthetic, it's all optics.
It's how I look to the rest of the world.
But nobody's serious about any of these things, just like I don't.
I don't know how many people are serious about saying we should never have another immigrant come into America again.
That's not realistic either, right?
Especially when you have all these baby boomers retire and you're going to need immigrants to come in, uh and be in fields like healthcare.
That's going to be a booming and rapidly exposing industry.
Uh, rapidly expanding industry and exposing industry, probably because a lot of those nursing homes will need to be exposed for like, beating and robbing the boomers.
But this time they'll deserve it.
I will put my parents in a nursing home where I know they're going to get roughed up and stolen from.
But that's where we're at here.
But it's that inability to have a logical discussion about any of this.
That's just why you, you know, you know you kind of have to put your head in the sand here.
But I mean just, I would say just, you know, maybe you know uh, not with the horses, that's all.
It shouldn't look like a scene out of a movie, try.
I mean, there's got to be someone in Texas that had to make that point.
Go hey man, if we go out there with horses.
I mean, you know it, you know what this is going to look like, what well, they're Haitian and we're going to ride in there on horses.
You see?
No, you remember that period of time when black people were enslaved?
Yeah, that was like a thousand years well, and it wasn't.
But a lot of the imagery from today's events may make people think of that time.
I guess that conversation was not had.
I guess nobody had that discussion.
You know well, Abbot remedied it.
It looked like because he just put a wall of cars uh, right there on the border.
That's all he did.
He just parked a bunch of cars.
That's good.
What is that gonna do?
Texas governor Abbott creates steel barrier of vehicles to block migrants from entering the.
That's right.
American muscle cars, baby.
Yeah, that's all American cars are good for is just to block immigrants from coming in.
You know, we finally found the use for American autos.
We just put them on a, put them on the wall.
I mean, If there was a better way, because then the people that are all pro-immigration are like, no one should ever have to assimilate or learn English.
And then you go, well, how do they get jobs?
How are they going to get jobs?
How are they going to work?
How does this all work?
Nobody has any interest in the practical applications of any of their ideas.
No one has any interest in taking it.
It's all just about the perfectly crafted opinion, the perfectly crafted take, hot take economy, send it out there in a tweet, and then we'll go watch.
You know, all these morons are at the Emmys that are all offended by this.
They're at the Emmys.
What do they imagine that does for any of these people, by the way?
All these people that just got here from Haiti, what do you imagine you walking around a ballroom in a gown and getting a trophy for your work on hacks or Ted Lasso does for these people that are living under a bridge?
Because they really believe, they believe when they give these speeches that the people in Haiti want to be on Ted Lasso or whatever show.
Liberating College Students00:02:16
I don't even know what shows are on anymore.
I don't need their own.
I'm Googling it right now to like see.
I don't even know what shows are.
I have the full list of winners here.
Hacks, right?
You got, yeah, Ted Lasso, which led all comedies with 20 nominations.
Wow.
They really sweep.
Yeah.
You got on the drama side, you got the crown.
Yeah.
The mayor of East Town.
Mayor of East Town, yeah.
Well, that's what these people think.
They think the people under the bridge, because when they're like, you know, speaking into the camera after they've won the award, they're like, you know, this is for everybody out there whose dream it is to make art.
I'm telling you, never give up.
They think they're talking to the people in Del Rio under the bridge that came here to be on mayor of East Town.
They think they've come here to be on the crown.
I don't, you know, listen, we're past solutions in this country.
You know, still looking for solutions.
I don't know what to tell you.
Poor Colin Quinn just got COVID again, vaccinated, had it.
No symptoms.
But, you know, he tweeted out.
He's like, everyone that was around me at the cellar.
I mean, here's the thing, man.
If we're going to have all these cases where nobody has any symptoms, maybe we should just stop keeping track of cases and start keeping track of hospitalizations only.
Michael Tracy's running around to all these different colleges because they're just shutting down colleges now.
And Michael Tracy has become like this interesting kind of version of Nelk.
He's like, he's going around from college to college just like trying to defend these kids' right to party and fuck.
Whereas colleges now, they don't really allow you to congregate in the manner that you would have been allowed to do pre-pandemic.
Although, even though a lot of their populations are like 98% vaccinated, so Michael Tracy has just been like leading the charge, trying to liberate college students from the draconian COVID measures that are, and they're in certain parts.
Defending Party Rights00:07:05
It's a lot of like Ivy League schools.
I don't think the southern schools care.
But I think it's a lot of Ivy's, a lot of Northeastern schools.
Yeah, he Michael was in Connecticut specifically.
Yeah.
Schools on the West Coast.
I know some people that go to schools that are like, we've not had any.
I mean, I've not worn a mask in New York, but we were asked for proof of vaccination getting a piece of pizza in Staten Island, which was weird.
Because you figure Staten Island, Trump country, back the blue, but they're like, yeah, show us that vax, which means that a lot of these people are going to get ratted out.
They're going to get fined.
There's probably a sizable, hefty fine that they'll get because nobody's heart's in it, you can tell, as it shouldn't be.
But like every other bureaucratic thing, there's a fine coming down.
Yeah.
Like, I remember when they just banned cigarettes.
And like they would be like, all right, you can't really.
Hey, you can't smoke here.
But it'd be like a guy telling you that who like really his heart was not in it.
He was just like wanting to smoke himself.
And he's like, yeah, they, you know, you can't smoke here.
You used to be able to just smoke anywhere you wanted.
I mean, not anywhere, but in every bar.
When did they ban smoking in New York?
Let me see.
When I was growing up, restaurants had smoking sections.
I mean, which is unfathomable to me now because.
Wow, 2002, that recent, huh?
Oh, yeah.
I didn't realize that.
No, I mean, restaurants had smoking sections when I was in high school.
It's wild to think about.
Yeah, that is.
Because the smell of cigarettes, by the way, is so strong.
And it used to just, everything would smell like that.
Airports, people would smoke in planes.
And now nothing smells like cigarettes.
Every now and then you smell a cigarette as you walk down the street and you go, oh.
But nothing smells like cigarettes.
But for decades, everything smelled like cigarettes.
It looks like New York was one of the last to do it because Texas was 75.
That's why I never saw it growing up at all.
Texas banned cigarettes when?
1975, smoking indoors and all.
Why?
1975, Texas first enacted legislation restricting smoking in public places, including primary, secondary schools, elevators, theaters, movie houses, pretty much everywhere.
I thought they were a free state.
That's what I thought, too.
Wow.
But New York, 2002, baby.
Well, New York used to be a wild city.
Interesting.
See, that flies in the face of everything that everyone believes about New York versus Texas.
That like New York is this city of liberal pussies, and Texas is like the city of like, hey, man, grab life by the balls, see what happens.
But Texas in 1975 is like, do not light up inside.
In 1975.
Yeah, it's wild, huh?
But yeah, it's really wild.
I think everyone was dying back then in Texas from like, you know, they called Marlborough Reds cowboy killers.
Yeah.
Because cowboys would just smoke them on down.
So maybe there was more death.
I don't know.
You're allowed to smoke in Texas now if you're pregnant, but you have to carry the baby to term and low birth weight and whatever, but you can smoke if you're pregnant, but not if you're going to abort the fetus.
That can't happen.
I love it.
We're being stalked by a fucking lunatic.
I should have said her to Del Rio.
Introduced the Haitians to her.
Be like, are you sure you really want to come here?
You've got to realize people coming to this country are desperate.
They're desperate.
This is not a really great place to come right now.
Truly.
You've got to be desperate.
You can't have any other options.
If Sweden would take you, you'd be an idiot to come here.
How stupid would you have to be if like Norway or Denmark would take you and you go, nah, I want to go to America.
That would be crazy, you know?
I told Ray, I'm like, maybe the move is to just buy a house in another country.
That might be the move to just have another place outside of America.
You know, just to see like if things go real bad here.
I mean, if things go bad, it'll probably go bad everywhere.
But I could live in a fishing village in like Sweden.
Yeah.
You know?
That would be fine.
Yeah.
Where were we right before we came here?
We were in.
What is that thing?
It's now off the internet right there.
What is that article about San Antonio?
It's a lie.
It says I was banned from Corpus Christi, not San Antonio.
Because I made it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me pull that up.
This is not true.
This is from a news site that's like fake.
And my agents were all like worried about it because they thought that I was like banned from Corpus Christi, which is one of the worst cities in America.
Comedian Tim Dylan banned from Corpus Christi, Texas after disrespecting Selena.
Which I didn't do.
I made a joke about it on the podcast.
Yeah.
Get over it.
Hey, hey, hey, Corpus Christie with Selena.
Get over it.
Hey, hey, hey, John Lennon, get over it.
Same thing.
Stop strumming your guitar outside of the Dakota on the anniversary of his death.
Move on.
Is that okay?
Is that equal enough for everyone?
I think John Lennon probably was more musically talented than Selena.
Am I allowed to say that?
Although she was really good.
Yeah, this article is saying the mayor banned you from the city.
It's a joke.
Can't be true.
The article, it's all at the website.
It's a joke.
Yeah, it's dumb, yeah.
It's like a fun joke.
I don't think they have a mayor.
I don't think Corpus Christi, Texas has a mayor.
Who's the mayor?
Selena's ghost?
Selena's ghost sits on the council there and has a vote.
Who's the mayor?
The woman who killed her?
There is no mayor.
Please.
I'm never going back to Corpus Christie in my life.
Sorry.
I'm not.
I'm not going to.
Life is really too short.
Yeah, it's bad.
It made me think, it made me go, man, Austin, what a place.
What a fucking awesome place.
Mayor Bans You From City00:03:42
But, you know, of course, my agents and everybody's nervous.
They're like, were you banned from a city?
Stop.
You please grow up.
These are not the brightest people in the entertainment business, by the way.
I hope I'm not surprising anybody, but they're not exactly well-read.
This is not exactly...
I've said it before, the people that become agents, for the most part, are the black sheep of wealthy families.
Their brothers and sisters have accomplished things.
They work at Goldman Sachs.
They're a surgeon at Johns Hopkins.
They work in finance at a high level.
They're in academia.
These people are selling clowns.
They're routing a tour for some 16-year-old TikToker.
It's, you know, it's not a prestige position anymore.
It's been a long time since Ari Gold and Entourage, right?
Remember that?
Oh, yeah.
A long way.
There's about four of those guys.
There's about four people in the business left that are like Ari Gold, and the rest of them are like shot.
Truly.
The rest of them are like fucked.
You know?
I mean, there's not a ton of those like high-powered, fuck you, agents, slick back hair.
Quick.
Quick, fun, sharp, hopping out of a fucking Porsche.
Like, fuck you, my client.
You know, they're terrified.
They're just scared.
Now they're, now they're quivering.
They're, you know, they're like, oh, my God, did...
Did my client say something to a woman at 7-Eleven?
Is it on video?
Fuck, are we fucked?
Who did he rape?
What happened?
Second year of college, what happened?
Who do they got?
All these guys now are just, they're just terrified.
So that, you know, that would have been a great season of entourage if Ari Gold just had to kept dealing with like the Me Toos from Vince and everyone else.
Like that was the entire season.
Ari Gold's like, wait a minute.
She was drunk.
Vinny, Vinny, Vinny, listen, listen.
Sophomore year, Queens College.
You were at a party.
Do you remember this?
She was drunk.
Vinny, I need you to, listen, I know you're having fun.
I need you to walk out onto the balcony.
You need to hear me right now.
We got a big fucking problem.
Vinny, Vinny, I need you to hear me right now.
We've got a big fucking problem.
There's an article coming out tomorrow, okay?
Do you know what date rape is?
I'll tell you what it is.
It means you're not an Aquaman 4.
That's what it fucking means, okay?
Jesus fucking Christ.
It doesn't matter about facts, Vinny.
Jesus, do you know what trauma is?
Repressed trauma?
Well, I'll tell you what it is.
It means that even though she didn't feel like that at the time, she felt like that a decade fucking later.
Did you keep up with her?
You got to send these some fucking bitches a text.
Fuck.
Who is his assistant, Lloyd?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lloyd, do we have a mole at the LA Times?
Jesus fucking Christ.
Just the Me Too season of entourage.
That made Hollywood look so much fun.
One guy, one guy gets famous.
He brings his three friends along.
And that is part of the Hollywood now.
It's just, it's really the majority of that is that's what the TikTok young social media kids do.
Somebody gets famous.
TikTok Kids Live Large00:15:40
They live in a house with a bunch of their friends.
They all throw a lot of parties.
They make a good amount of money.
And then it should end.
And it should be over already.
But, you know, they're still hanging on to that.
They're still hanging.
Like, the D'Amilios should not have a show.
We should be nearing the end of that act.
But nothing ends.
So now we're just dragging everything out.
You see the dances now.
These kids are like in their mid-20s.
They're not even into it now.
Like the dancers on TikTok.
They're starting to, like, they look old, some of these children.
I'm like, they're starting to look like they're like adults.
Yeah, like they have to stretch before they go into that.
Yeah, they look like they're like, they're like dealing with problems.
I'm like, this isn't fun anymore.
It's not fun anymore.
It's now their job.
And they're just doing it.
And you go, just shut this thing down.
Just shut this thing down, please.
They did it with the other one.
They did it with Vine.
Just shut it down.
Shut it down.
Send these kids back to school.
Mask them up.
And I don't know what they're doing.
Make them do live shooter drills.
They need to be in school doing live shooter drills.
By the way, I love all the people that want their kids in school.
And they're like, they shouldn't be learning at home.
They need to be in school with their friends doing live shooter drills.
They need to be in school and they need to be practicing what happens when someone comes in here with a gun.
Do you know how much the experiences we're robbing these kids of, not being in school, learning how to survive a violent attack by a maladjusted, unmedicated, heavily armed member of their class?
You can't get that on Zoom.
You can't get those experiences on Zoom.
They'll never have that year of their life back.
What if Parkland was on Zoom?
They never would have had those experiences.
Do you know what kind of bond that fostered?
None of those kids will ever forget that year.
And it wouldn't have happened if they were on Zoom.
It wouldn't have happened.
I want to be a parent who goes to one of these school things and makes that point.
They need to be in person learning so that they can learn how to defend themselves and each other from their fellow classmates who we have driven insane with a steady diet of fast food, no attention, horrible, violent entertainment, and we have also armed.
And our children need to learn how to defend themselves from that inevitable nightmarish situation that is all too common that cannot happen on Zoom.
I'm sorry.
I feel better as a parent knowing my children are in school safely learning how to deal with an active shooter situation that will happen because of the society that we've set up.
It seems pretty inevitable.
How many school shootings have we had since we've gone back to school, by the way?
Well, did you see that 13 and 14 year old were planning like a Columbine?
Yeah, what were they doing over in Florida?
Yeah, they were in a Florida middle school, and they were two hours away from Marjorie Stoneham Douglas.
So I think they were inspired by it.
By Parkland?
And these were like kids.
They're like baby-faced, chubby, fat little kids.
13-year-old kid, yeah.
And they're planning a massacre.
Massacre, absolutely.
What's going on with the society?
Hopefully these Haitians get to have that experience where like their children at 13 are planning a massacre.
So it looks like these kids were basically extensively studying the Columbine shooting, the investigators found.
They found knives, guns.
They were learning how to purchase firearms on the black market and how to construct pipe bombs.
They're 13.
They were purchasing firearms on the black market.
Yeah, and probably instructional articles like Auditorium.
There's something you want to hear.
How's your son?
Well, to be honest, he was purchasing firearms on the black market and trying to learn how to make pipe bombs.
You know, that's not good, right?
I'm not a parent, but I'm guessing that that's not good.
Now, what happens to these kids?
It says here that they were the authorities, the two students are well known to the authorities, deputies having visited their homes nearly 80 times combined.
Both boys met the criteria for evaluations at a mental health facility and were assessed before being detained.
So they're, I guess, detained, but, you know, not in prison.
They've been to their homes 80 times.
That's what it says.
Yeah.
Very thorough here.
Man, 80 times, huh?
I'm betting these kids are a real problem.
Yeah, this seems like they were really going to go all out here.
Maybe, I mean, at a certain point, if the cops have been in their houses a combined 80 times, should the cops just kill them?
Like, literally, and I'm not trying to be insensitive, but if you're buying, like, trying to get pipe bombs at 13, I don't want to see what 19 is.
So why don't we just kill them?
Like we killed that witness in the Dokar Zarnayev case, Tamerlan Zarnaev, the Boston bomber.
The FBI invented a reason to whack that guy, even though, like, you know, four to six FBI agents wanted to go interview him.
Supposedly he was some kind of threat.
So they just shot him.
Why don't they just get rid of those kids?
Oh, supposedly these kids were also recruiting others to participate.
Wow.
Well, that'll teach you a lesson.
You always got to keep it small.
They're spending 21 days in secure juvenile detention.
Well, that'll help.
You got to kill them.
Truly.
I mean, there's, what are you, I'm not kidding.
What are you going to do with them?
They're going to be a nightmare their entire lives.
You have to kill those kids.
You got to do it.
You have to execute both of those kids.
There's absolutely no way they're going to come at you.
There's never, ever a story where it was like, yeah, I was building pipe bombs and getting weapons off the dark web at 13, but now, you know, I'm just a really excited barista.
I just have a zest for life, and I love making the coffee.
I mean, I think maybe they're too far gone.
Kill them.
I understand that there's redemption arcs in people's lives.
I've had one to a degree.
I'm not saying that, you know, these things are impossible.
I'm saying it's a real steep hill to climb from pipe bombs at 13 to any, you know, to being a productive member of society.
Kill the kids.
Their names are Pruitt and Bird.
Jesus Christ, kill them.
I mean, kill them now.
Why can't cops have ever killed people that need to be killed?
Pruitt and Bird?
They should be publicly hung.
Their little fat legs kicking out.
We have to.
Pruitt and Bird?
Yeah, they knew where the gas lines were to the school and everything.
They really were just going to take the whole thing down.
Kill them.
Kill them.
Say it was, I don't know.
Do what you always do.
Say they came at you.
What about their parents?
Any quote from Pruitt and Bird's parents on this?
No, they've stayed out of the media on this one, it seems.
I'm guessing, and I don't know, but I bet they're not from a great home.
I can only see the backs of them here.
Who, the children?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me see these fucking monsters.
Dude.
Yeah, I mean, and they're just friends, these kids, right?
They're like, they're not brothers.
They're like just friends.
Just friends.
Supposedly, I think Bird was the mastermind here, or maybe Pruitt.
Let me see.
Yeah, Bird's the mastermind.
He's the older one.
He's 14.
Don't you think anybody at Pruitt's house goes, you cannot hang out with Bird anymore?
Why?
I don't know.
The cops were here like 60 times.
Don't you think around number 20, when the cops come to talk to you about your kid, you should just not allow them to do whatever they're doing?
Hey, we're back again.
All right.
Sorry.
Pruitt, get in here.
You can't go to birds anymore.
I don't know what the fuck you're doing, but the cops are here.
This is the 28th time they're fucking here, Pruitt.
They're saying you're trying to get pipe bombs, you little freak.
Jesus.
There were plenty of warning signs in this case.
Deputies were called to the home of 13-year-old Connor Pruitt 60 times, nearly 20 times to the home of 14-year-old Philip Bird, which has many asking, should parents be held accountable if their children ran something.
They're not going to kill them now.
Do not waste time for Christ.
I do not understand why we cannot execute children.
They'll do it in Texas, right?
Yeah, they should.
Oh, yeah.
Well, they're 13 and 14, and they were responsible for their actions.
I would put them both in little electric chairs and cook them.
Put them on death row and cook them.
Cook those kids.
Zap them.
They're not going to...
Listen, this is an uncomfortable truth that many people listening to the show are probably not happy about.
If the cops have come to your house 60 times about your kid, you fucked up.
I don't know what you did, but the kid's bad.
Bad news.
There's nobody that comes out of that and becomes like something, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
It's not like one day Bird is going to start dating Greta Thunberg and doing, you know, carbon emissions speeches.
He's in trouble.
I'd love to see the look on their little faces when a judge sentences them both to death by electric chair.
Put them in old Sparky and cook them.
How about that?
That's my position.
And cook my stalker, too.
Put her in old Sparky.
Get her a bigger chair, that fat lump.
And don't try to kill me.
I don't think anyone's going to care.
They won't.
Trust me.
So it looks like people have signed a.
It says here, there was a petition created by the parent of the children in the school district of Lee County.
It's close to 2,800 signatures as of Saturday morning.
It calls for the 13 and 14-year-old boys who are arrested September 9th to be kept out of the schools and suggests they be homeschooled.
I think home is the problem.
School is also not good.
Kill them.
The problem isn't where they are physically.
The problem is that they exist on earth.
Kill them.
Truly.
You want them at home?
Homeschooling is not an option here.
They've been homeschooling themselves in fucking guerrilla warfare.
Lethal injection, if you want to be kind.
You don't have to use old Sparky.
Hit him with the needle.
Get it over with.
Truly.
There should be a program that kills children.
And none of us should have a problem with it.
I don't have any problem with it.
I will sleep beautifully in this lovely bed I'm in tonight, knowing that those two kids were held down while they were screaming, probably, and tied to a thing.
And if you've ever seen Dead Man Walking.
Then they're put up like Christ with their arms out on either side, and they say, Do you have any last words?
And then you go, oh, don't kill me.
And you go, yeah, well, whatever.
And then put the needle in, and then you see their foot kicking, and then it stops kicking.
I will sleep so soundly knowing that they've been tied up and executed.
You know what I hate here that they're using that Sir Kensington's ketchup?
I don't like that.
I like Heinz.
I like Sir Kensington's mustard.
Shut up.
The ketchup, that fancy ketchup is stupid.
Yeah.
And Heinz out of a glass bottle is still the standard.
Yes.
But kill those kids.
Patreon this week is very funny with Gabby.
Is there any new information on that before we wrap this up?
The only thing I've seen is they're just searching that.
Brian Laundry's still gone, huh?
Yeah, I saw they had called off the search, and I thought they gave up, but it was just for today.
That's all it was.
They're looking around in that park for him.
Search for Gabby Petito's fiance, Brian Laundry, ends for the day at Florida Nature Reserve.
So they're just sort of digging around there.
They're like, everybody, the search is over, but enjoy the grounds.
You know, we're stopping the search, but we're having a dinner.
When do they give up?
Because this is the fourth day now.
They've searched all day in their.
Well, no, it's a manhunt.
Right.
I mean, they give up when they find them.
I don't know how long that particular search of the park will go on.
I think he's probably not in the park.
Yeah, at this point, he's probably not in the house.
I think his family.
Well, here's the deal, right?
If the guy uses a credit or debit card, he's caught.
Right.
How much cash could he have?
Right.
Who's giving him money?
How's he living?
Probably family.
Someone is helping him out.
He can't hold out for that much longer.
Pruitt, Bird.
Listen, I hate to be the bear of bad news, but they're going to cook y'all at the end of this month.
They're going to cook both of y'all in that electric chair, scare kids.
Cooking Them at Month End00:04:04
That would scare kids, right?
Wouldn't it scare kids if you cooked them?
Sometimes you got to think about what's good for society.
And what's good for society, I believe, is executing these children without a trial.
What about a firing squad?
Oh, nice.
Like a firing squad where they were both, you know, next to each other and no blindfolds.
I want them to see it.
And we just go at them.
I mean, folks, if you're unwilling to murder two children to make a point, I don't know why you even pay taxes in this country.
What do you think those taxes are going to?
We kill children all over the world.
Why can't we kill our own?
It's a great point.
It's a phenomenal point.
It's hard to argue.
It's the only point.
Why we keep killing poor kids playing soccer in Pakistan?
Let's kill these two fat fucks trying to murder everybody.
Drone strike their fucking houses.
TimDylanComedy.com for all the live shows coming up.
If you enjoy the comedic stylings of what I do, you'll love it live.
We're on a theater tour with Sam Talent.
Ben Avery will be on most of the dates, and it will be a joyous occasion filled with love.
I will not talk about children being electrocuted at the shows a lot.
I will mention it.
I might mention it as a good idea.
Don't stalk your favorite comedians and podcasters and show up at their hotels.
It's not right.
Yeah, we've been having a lot of fun.
And, you know, the audio-only episodes, we always try to get to a studio.
We have a studio in LA that we're trying to, we haven't found one quite yet, but we have one that we use temporarily.
Have we made any headway on the studio front?
Yes, yes.
I'll be looking at some stuff in two days via computer, not in person.
That's fine.
Yeah.
And he's going to send you this?
Yeah, yeah.
Our guy that we got through Business Jason.
Our business manager.
Oh, and a couple of things, a couple housekeeping things.
You added extra shows in a couple cities.
Yes, we've added extra shows in a couple cities.
Atlanta, Sacramento, and the other one was Atlantic City.
So, just so people know.
Oh, and Pittsburgh, a late show was added.
We've added late shows in Pittsburgh, Sacramento, Atlantic City, and Atlanta.
Keep buying tickets if you like.
We appreciate it.
We're going to have fun.
And kill your kids.
If you have to.
But if you don't, you don't.
You know?
Anything else that we need to maybe subscribe to the YouTube channel?
Yeah.
Let's try to push our subscribers over 400,000.
And turn the notifications on.
I know, like, you guys still message me.
It doesn't work or whatever, but turn the notifications on, subscribe.
Yeah.
It works for some people, but, you know.
They don't.
They're not, you know.
We can't get anything going on over there.
We're making no money over there.
They haven't given us a green dollar in months, man.
Yeah.
Well, this is what happens when you advocate killing children.
But I dare listen to this and, you know, be like, no, it's, they're just, we need to do more for them.
No, we don't.
No, we don't.
Well, no, we need to, you like, listen to them and hear them.
And no, they might just be bad.
They may just be bad, you know?
Advocacy Kills Children00:05:46
Like, you know, it'd be funny.
We saw Jamie Dimon.
He was having dinner outside.
I wanted to go up to him and be like, my debit card.
The strip, like the strip on it doesn't.
Have you seen this?
Like, you know, you're sitting there with like some other like really rich guy and his wife.
And I just wanted to go there and go, do you, do you replace these with the, you see the strip?
I don't get it.
I go, the chip takes longer.
Like, inserting the chip takes long.
It's not quicker.
I understand it helps protect against identity theft.
Anyway, identity theft.
What's going on there?
Is that the Russians?
It would be kind of interesting to just go up to him.
Yeah, just start talking about getting a loan for something.
Can I get a loan?
I'm trying to make a movie.
I want to make a movie.
Can I?
Can I get a loan to make a movie from you, Jamie Diamond?
How funny would it be like if I was dressed in a suit and I just went up to him?
I was like, it's good to see you again.
Hey, Jamie, it's good to see you again.
You wonder if a guy like that would just go like, would he be like, trying to play it?
He'd be like, okay, yeah.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Because he's met so many people.
Yeah, I don't know how he'd play it.
I don't know how he'd react.
He seems pretty cold.
Sego Chase?
No.
I don't think so.
I bet he's a cauldron of warmth.
I bet he's just a fireplace on a cold day.
See of Chase?
No, he's cold.
He did seem very cold.
He seemed like stone.
Yeah.
That's how they all see him.
Yeah, the wife seemed like she didn't, wasn't allowed to make eye contact with him.
They're not even at the table anymore.
The relationships at that level are, I mean, the rich like that are a different species.
People don't understand that.
They're a different species.
They don't have the emotions that we have.
You can't because then you end up not being rich.
Right.
They just really are cold, like kind of waspy.
Just whatever you're feeling, just kill it.
Keep it down.
Take a gulp of wine, a couple lasanis, a little valium, whatever you need to just kill that emotion, do it.
You know?
She's just sitting there eating, you know.
They're playing the big game.
They're in the big game, those people.
Yeah, they are.
You know?
They're just sitting there and, you know.
Not eating great food.
No, the food where he was was okay.
It's not great.
It's just, it's in the neighborhood.
It's a restaurant that a lot of their friends go to.
And it's in the neighborhood.
It's in the hood.
And it just has that reputation of.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm not going to mention it.
I don't want to get in trouble here.
I'm not going to mention the name of the.
Can I mention the name of the restaurant?
I don't see why not.
San Ambrose.
It's a place where people in the Upper East Side, it's like young moms bring their kids.
The prep school kids have gelato.
And then, you know, the women go there too.
They split a salad.
And they, you know, have like four glasses of Chardonnay and, you know, a couple of pills and go home to their loveless marriages.
But he was outside in these, you know, horrific, like, horse stalls that people in New York are eating in.
And the food is not great there, but it's, you know, a place where they, you know, it's kind of like, I lived in New York for years and years, and it's one of those places.
I like went to San Ambrose once for breakfast.
I was like, this is not good.
I went with a friend of mine and then Crazy Michelle.
But yeah, he was very stoic and cold looking.
But that's how you get to be the CEO of Chase, right?
Like nobody's like, you don't get to be the CEO of Chase by being like, you know, affectionate.
You know?
I don't know anything about him.
His parents were loaded, right?
Yeah, they were.
He's not one of these guys like Blank Fine.
Like Blank Fine, I think, came from the Jewish projects or whatever on the Lower East Side or Brooklyn, maybe.
I was confused that there wasn't like tons of bodyguards around because I thought those guys, like there's like kidnapping plots and stuff.
I don't really know.
I don't know how many people.
Maybe there was somebody we didn't see, but I also don't know how many people would recognize him.
I just recognize him.
Yeah, I mean, he was one of three sons of Greek immigrants, Theodore and whatever, and attended the Browning school.
What do you mean?
And whatever.
And, well, then the Greek name.
Well, why don't you try to sound it out?
Theodore and Nialos.
Okay.
Diamond.
Okay.
It's not a big deal.
His paternal grandfather was a Greek immigrant who changed the family name from Papadimetrio to Diamond to make it sound French and worked as a banker in Smyrna, now Athens.
Or Smyrna and Athens.
Georgia?
Or Greece?
I believe Greece.
Yeah, Smyrna, Smyrna.
Okay.
So that's his background.
Yeah, they come from people that did things.
He went to Tufts.
And then Harvard Business School.
Yeah.
Usually there's a line of people that have done things.
Bullying the Powerful00:07:15
Not always.
You know?
It's not like Jamie's father, Jamie's mother was stalking podcaster Tim Dylan in the hotel.
You know?
It's usually like some type of, you know.
I should have went up to him and said, what do you think about 9-11?
Just between me and you.
What if I was, what if you were the waiter at San Ambrose and you walked up to him and you went, what do you, what do you think about 9-11?
Do you know anything about that?
Should I try to get a job at one of these places?
Just so you can ask people.
Just for a gag.
Yeah.
Because all of these places are hiring, right?
Should I try to get a job on the Upper East Side at one of these restaurants?
Like, I would never get hired.
I would never get hired.
Yeah.
Well, your resume has a huge gap in it, too.
Yeah, but wouldn't they, they'll run a background.
They'll figure out who I am.
But wouldn't it be funny if I could just get a job for a day or two to just talk to every table about 9-11 before I got fired?
And I was like, why am I getting fired?
They're like, you can't, hey, I know you have enthusiasm for the food.
You know all the dishes.
You were very good.
You know all the terms.
We didn't have to explain to you like what a gremolata was.
Like, you're good like that.
You're like really good.
We're kind of really impressed.
The problem we're having is that every single table said you've brought up 9-11.
Every single table.
Every single table you've had has complained.
You've worked here an hour.
You've had three tables.
All of them have said, when I said, how's everything going?
The waiter continually and incessantly talks about 9-11.
So we're going to give you a warning, but the next time we have to talk to you about this, okay?
And then they'd fire me.
They'd go, okay.
You asked Jamie Dimon for money.
We have to let you go.
It is incredibly inappropriate, wildly inappropriate to ask Jamie Dimon for money.
I would say, can I get a little money from you?
Like, now.
You're going to tip me later.
Can I just get it now?
Can you give me like $40 now?
Cash.
Well, maybe the next...
What if Pruitt and Bird do become like very successful?
You know?
They turn it around.
They turn it around.
Yeah.
Because that's what America's about.
It's comeback stories.
They turn it around.
They're not going to end up in Angola.
What if they both turn it around?
They're the CEOs of Chase.
Do you think Pruitt and Bird are going to be the CEOs of Chase?
I'm asking.
I mean, man, they got a long way to go from being two little fat school shooters in Southwest Florida to being CEO of Chase.
But that's America.
That's America from two fat little school shooters to rising the ranks as CEO of Chase.
I could see him having a house on Center Island where we went today.
I think it'd be great if Jamie Dimon mentored both of them.
That's a TV show I'd watch.
Why doesn't Jamie Dimon take Pruitt and Bird to San Ambrose and get them gelato?
Maybe that's all they're missing is a good pistachio gelato.
Yeah.
Or hazelnut.
And Jamie Dimon has to walk Pruitt and Bird through the Upper East Side of Manhattan, bring their fat asses into Ralph Loran, get them clothes, and ask them, you know, talk to them.
And he looks at them.
He goes, listen, I know all you people want to do is kill, but at my company, we kill without firing a shot.
And they go, what do you mean by that, Jamie?
He goes, well, we could kind of do whatever we want.
For example, during the mortgage crisis, there were tons and tons of accusations of fraud, but we paid billions and billions of dollars to stop the investigation, stop the inquiry into our company.
And we kept billions and billions of dollars, you know, earned through fraudulent practices because we were able to bully the federal government.
Doesn't that sound like fun?
You get bullied at school a lot, right?
Yeah.
That's why you're two fat little school shooters.
But wouldn't you like to be able to be in a position to bully the cops that bullied you?
And I don't even mean the cops.
I mean everybody.
The politicians that make the laws, the Federal Reserve, what's that?
Doesn't matter.
I just mean we bully everybody.
The only people we don't bully are the tech guys.
They're the only people we don't bully.
Well, why can't we bully them, says Bird?
At least he looks like ice cream on his mouth.
Jamie Dime's like, wipe your face.
He's like, well, we can't bully them because they know everything about us, what we think, who we are.
I mean, they're, you know, they're unbullyable at this moment.
You know, and then Pruitt and Bird are like, this guy's fucking cool.
And Jamie Dimon, like, he just feels like for the first time in his life, like, you know, he really loves these fat little school shooters from southern Florida.
And he just takes them in as like his proteges, you know?
And he raises them.
And it's like a beautiful story.
And he teaches them that like you don't have to, you can devote all of your murderous, violent energy into succeeding at finance.
You just got to get a gym bag and the right clothes, take Adderall, learn how to stare at a computer, learn how to acquire friends and relationships based solely on, you know, monetary gain.
He taught them all these things.
And, I mean, that's their only hope.
But, I mean, that's a fucking beautiful story.
Financial Criminals Rise00:10:21
Because that's the best version of those two kids.
Yeah.
The best version of those two kids become financial criminals, you know, for a great institution like Chase Bank.
Do you think like Kevin Hart, who has a partnership with Chase, I will one day have a partnership with Chase?
Or do you think that because of a lot of the content that I've made, that isn't likely?
Not likely.
Fuck.
Sometimes I realize I really shot myself in the foot, you know, doing this show.
I could have been on hacks to show about Gene Smart, who's a legend because we say she is.
Now we're just saying, by the way, is every woman over 40 a legend?
Can someone help me out?
Is every woman over 40 a legend?
Is my mother a legend?
She's in a mental institution.
Give her an Emmy.
What did Gene Smart do?
No, I'm.
I mean, she's good in hacks, right?
But what did she do again?
Was she on Love Boat?
I'm googling it right now.
What the hell does she even do?
Everyone just says she's a legend, and every time she talks, everyone starts crying.
So Gene Smart was on designing women.
With Delta Burke?
Yeah.
Okay.
She was on Frasier.
As what?
I don't remember her.
I watched every episode of that.
It's not showing up immediately.
Interesting.
What else?
Let's see here.
She's just had a long career.
She was in Big Mouth?
She was in 24.
What's Big Mouth?
Remember the Ginny Slate show?
Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.
I should know that show.
It's Nick Kroll and Jenny Slate and my buddies.
She was in Watchmen?
She's worked.
Sweet Home, Alabama.
With Reese Witherspoon.
That's correct.
Great.
Well, I wish her well.
She does a great job in hacks.
I just didn't know.
I didn't know if there was anything behind the legend description.
I didn't.
You know?
Everyone goes, she's a legend.
I go, oh, of what?
Yeah, I'm kind of digging through the work here, trying to.
I think it's rude to dig through the work.
If it's a woman who's been in the game for as long as she has, you just let it go.
You go, she's a legend.
Anyone's a legend, right?
That's true.
No, you don't have to.
Don't dig through the work.
She was a legend.
She's a legend.
I'm happy for her.
Me too.
Maybe Gene Smart should take in Dalton.
What's his name?
Pruitt and Bird?
Yeah, Pruitt and Bird.
How about Gene Smart adopts them?
Maybe there should be on the next season of Hacks, Pruitt and Bird.
You know?
Maybe they should film the next season of Hacks in Del Rio, Texas.
Why don't we have that be the show hacks?
We do a comedy show where Gene Smart goes to do a fundraiser in Del Rio.
I think that's a good topical idea.
Should I just start submitting ideas to hacks?
Yeah, yeah.
Text them to your agent, have them email them.
Well, the people that created hacks have 400 followers on Twitter.
So I probably will be able to get in touch with them if I want.
I mean, I imagine they can't make their rent.
I imagine they rent and not own to guess.
I'm guessing.
I'm not trying to be a cunt.
I'm not saying, like, you know, I'm not saying that, like, you have to have money to make great art.
In fact, for decades and centuries, that was the antithesis of the idea, you know, but I'm sure they're good, the people that have created.
What else have they done besides hacks, by the way?
The people that made hacks?
Yes, the people that have made hacks.
Let me see here.
Jen Statsky.
No, that's the White House press secretary.
Paul Downs and Lucia Enelio.
Yeah, Anello or something.
Lucia did Broad City.
Ooh.
And as well as the miniseries Time Traveling Bong.
Brilliant.
And the 2017 film Rough Night.
I don't know if you ever saw that.
I have not.
Who's in that?
I believe it's, let me click on this.
What's that about?
I think it's about Tina Faye and no, wait, no, no, no.
That's the different movie.
That's different.
This is a black comedy film directed.
Dark comedy.
Well, I like that.
It stars Scarlett Johansson, Zoe Kravitz, Kate McKinnon, Jillian Bell, Alana Glazer.
Oh, okay.
And Demi Moore.
Interesting.
It follows a bachelorette player.
Well, I bet, you know, now let me take it back.
I bet they do have a little bit of money.
I was joking around that they didn't have that much money.
They probably have a lot of money.
Yeah, and Paul Downs was from Broad City as a co-creator as well.
I think Hacks is actually pretty.
It's decent, right?
It's enjoyable.
I enjoyed it.
I think it was enjoyable.
I think it was enjoyable.
I have no problems with any of these people.
And I imagine they have no problems with me or anyone that I know.
I'm just saying I was confused about the let when we kept saying Gene Smart was a legend.
I'm confused about that.
That's all.
It's not an attack.
I think it's a question.
I'm allowed to question things.
This is the United States, right?
Yes, that's right.
But God bless them, and I'm glad their show is doing so well.
That's the only comedy out right now.
It's a comedy about comedy.
But that's the only thing that's funny.
Ted Lasso is really not funny.
No, not at all.
Oh, Ted Lasso is not funny.
No, not even a little bit.
It's positive, right?
Yeah, I guess.
It's just not showing.
It's the only thing that doesn't show people on ventilators gasping for air and dying on the floor.
So it's the only thing on TV that isn't that.
So I guess by comedy by default.
Yeah.
Okay.
And then there's Hacks.
Yes.
Okay.
I'm just trying to understand the lay of the land here.
And I take it back when I said the creators didn't have any money now that I know that they have money.
Look up her net worth.
Which one?
The creator.
Okay.
Well, there's three, but I think I know the one you're talking about.
Yeah, the one who did Rough Night.
What, she got five sticks?
Ten sticks?
I'm going to say two sticks, $2 million.
$3 million?
It says here that there is not one.
There's not a net worth.
There's no net worth.
What do you get paid for doing Rough Night?
What was the budget?
Go to the budget on Rough Night.
I'm curious as to how Hollywood works.
Let me ask you a question.
Much like $20 million.
$20 million?
She has to get paid money, right?
You'd imagine so.
But a lot of that probably goes to Demi Moore.
I bet most of that $20 million goes to the drugs to just keep Demi Moore in a chair.
Right?
Doesn't most of that money go to the drugs to keep Demi Moore in a chair?
Yeah.
Right?
I think so.
Without having an episode?
Because, you know, she'll have an episode, right?
They got to strap her into something and hit her with the IV.
Well, I think around this time she was on the H.
This is 2017.
Well, didn't Demi Moore flip out or something?
When?
I don't know.
Doesn't she need to be watched?
Yes, yes.
She OD'd.
She was true.
Yeah, she OD'd like, what was this, two years ago, and then she had to go.
She's got to be watched, is my point.
Yeah, yeah.
She's not to be trusted.
I mean, a lot of that money's got to go for just guards to stand outside her dressing room.
Do you think I'll be on the next season of Hacks?
Or much like Jamie Diamond, you think I've ruined that now?
Because I don't think the show's that bad.
I think Hannah Einbinder does a nice job.
Yeah, she does a fantastic job.
I think it's a good job.
And Mega, the justice.
They do a good job on that show.
I have no problem with that show.
I'm just curious as to how everything works.
I'd like to have a television show.
Why don't you think I've been allowed to have a television show if you had to take a guess, if you had to take a stab at that?
Well, we've certainly tried, right?
Well, I've tried, but you know, I don't know.
I think it's maybe because that people, for whatever reason, seem to not like me or they have an issue with me.
I think they just need to take some time to get to know you.
Well, perhaps.
But I also think that people are just very risk-averse.
That's what it is.
I think people are risk-averse.
And I think that they associate a business relationship with me with risk.
Perhaps it's an intelligent assessment.
And they think that there's too much risk in allowing me to be part of the project.
Yeah, if they don't know what you're going to say next, then why would they work with you?
Right.
That's the biggest risk of them all.
That's a huge point.
Yeah, I guess that's a problem.
Yeah.
Life Is Hollow Meaningless00:02:05
I get it.
I get it.
You know?
Well, c'est la vie.
You know?
What does that mean?
Such is life?
I think so, yeah.
I want to correct myself.
It was in 2012 that Demi Moore had a seizure from a horrific drug overdose when she did Whippets.
Yeah, she needs most of the budget of the movie Rough Night was to keep Demi Moore from having a rough night.
You know?
Do you have to go babysit her?
She'll get high off anything, huh?
She'll just start sniffing glue.
I mean, if you're doing whippets to the point where you have a seizure, you'll do anything, right?
You'll sniff glue.
Pretty much.
You don't give a shit.
She'll huff paint and shit while she's got that purple ring around her mouth.
Airduster.
She'll do computer cleaner.
Yeah.
Man.
Imagine having the job on that set of trying to get between Demi Moore and computer cleaner.
Because that's what life's about.
See, Demi Moore, you're a great actress.
You do the whole thing.
But at the end of the day, nothing's as fun as just sucking nitrous out of a can, right?
Yeah.
Doesn't matter how many awards you get or how many red carpets, how sexy you are, how many people want to fuck you.
At the end of the day, life is a hollow, meaningless activity.
And we just have to forget that and move from thing to thing before that truth that erodes our souls comes in.
So a good way to do that is sucking nitrous out of a can.
All right, we've got to get out of here because room service stops at 11, and I'm going to be on the next season of hacks.