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Jan. 5, 2020 - The Tim Dillon Show
01:25:57
181: 181 - Low Cost, High Quality
# steven paddock reality television n word andy cohen beauty industry boston marathon bombing bravo conspiracy theories contrapoint donald trump family dynamics ghislaine maxwell hip hop culture james charles jeffrey epstein joe derosa lily tomlin mental health critique

Live from the car on the way to Manhattan Beach and back, Tim recaps his Christmas fiasco with his family, James Charles saying the n word, the fetishization of mental illness, the "new" information on Epstein, and Tim's Jewelry line he's launching. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Time Text
Final Episode Without Video 00:06:12
Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, pops, and candy wrappers.
Mmm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show.
It is the final episode without video.
I know that a lot of the YouTube community, and what a disgusting coupling of words, huh?
YouTube community is very upset that there's no video.
Video is coming.
Speaking of the YouTube community, I was flying back from New York to LA and I was boarding the plane and they announced that we didn't have any Wi-Fi.
So I was just, I was trying to, I was downloading stuff on Netflix to watch and I was going through, you know, I was firing off my last tweets, unless the plane goes down.
And I saw this James Charles is over parties trending.
And James Charles is apparently a beauty.
He's a beauty guru who's worth like $12 million and he gives makeup tutorials on YouTube.
That's a big market.
I don't know when everyone went so fucking insane with the makeup where it's now, you know, making people tens of millions of dollars.
I like when people wear makeup.
It's nice when people look good.
I'm a capitalist pig.
I don't mind walking to a glossy department store and having a bunch of people spray cologne in my face.
I like that.
I like it because you get in their face, get in that little woman's face and go, can I eat it?
Can I taste it?
Go spray it on my back.
And then they always kind of flinch.
And then it's fun.
I don't mind any of that.
I just don't know when beauty consultations became like a billion dollar industry.
These people are making so much fucking money.
And I don't even know.
James Charles, I guess he's a gay dude.
But when you look at him, he presents.
I don't even know.
Between the plastic surgery and the makeup now, everybody looks like a character from Babes and Toyland.
So I don't even know what people are anymore.
Like, I don't even know what people...
Nobody has their original face.
Everybody is made up.
They look like they're a character from, you know, March of the Wooden Soldiers.
I have no idea anymore.
Is this person trans?
Are they non-binary?
Are they gay?
I don't even know.
Especially on YouTube.
You barely know anymore.
But this guy, they tried to cancel him once, and I don't know why.
They said he was a sexual predator, which I don't think was backed up by anything.
It might have been.
I mean, ContraPoint just did a video today, that YouTuber that I like, and she was like that, basically this other makeup vlogger, whatever you call him, accused this guy, James Charles.
And there's a reason I'm talking about all this, by the way.
And again, it would be easy to ignore all of this shit, but these people are making oodles of fucking money.
I mean, they're making a lot of money.
So you can't ignore all of it.
Like, you can't just ignore everything because it is culture and something's going on.
You look around the world, you're like, something is going on when videos of people opening a present are getting 100 million views.
And people's lives are so empty that they want to watch somebody else take something out of a box.
There's a problem here.
It's a big problem.
You can't ignore it.
You can't just say, well, it's just the kids.
The kids are wacky.
I think it's something else.
I think there's something deeply, there's a psychosis we're entering.
And I have an interest in exploring why and how we're entering it.
I don't think it's just the same thing as like people not getting the Beatles.
Okay?
When the biggest YouTube videos are children like watching people crumble chalk in their hands?
I think there's maybe an issue, underlying issue here that we should explore.
So for those of you who are like, oh, I don't know about DeJorfo, shut up.
Go make a top 10 list of movies for the decade, you idiot.
Who asked any of you to do that, by the way?
Who came to you and said, hey, Bill, can you rank your top 10 movies of the decade and put it on Facebook so that I can read them aloud to my family?
I mean, what kind of psycho?
By the way, you rank a top 10 movies in a decade.
I immediately know you're mentally ill.
I immediately know you should go in a cage and be locked away forever because you put out your top 10 films of the decade.
Ew, here's for my money.
These are the top 10 films of the shut up.
Stop ranking, making lists the top 10 films of the decade.
Who cares what you have to say?
Your 386 Facebook friends?
What are you looking for?
A fight?
You're looking for somebody to go, I don't think James should make it.
What are you looking for?
You that hungry for interaction that you're throwing out your, or what do you expect?
Somebody's going to go, this was a brilliant list, Tom.
This was very smart.
I forgot about some of the movies from the beginning of the decade that you remembered.
You're sharp.
I always said that to my wife.
I said, Tom Sharp can't wait for his year-end list.
Canceling The British Hipster 00:08:58
But so James Charles, they tried to cancel him once.
Conjure Points was basically like, listen, the dude's not a sexual predator.
Somebody accused him of trying to convince straight guys they're gay.
Every gay guy, myself included, wants to hook up with straight guys.
That's just a reality.
So that's not the same thing as being a sexual predator.
Okay.
I mean, I guess if you tie them to a thing or whatever, that's not good.
But it's not the same thing.
But now they try to cancel the dude.
And I have no, I don't know who the dude is.
I'm not a fan of whatever he does.
But now they're canceling him because he's he supposedly somebody found a video of him singing the N-word on New Year's Eve that's in a song.
Like they, on his Instagram story, supposedly he sang along with a rap song and there was an N-word in it and they're canceling for that.
By the way, is there anything less like, is there anything to me, and is there like, is there anything that flies in the face of whatever the spirit of rap and hip-hop is supposed to be than a bunch of rats online, like a bunch of rats and tattletales online trying to, like when that, when that rapper, I forget who did it, was it Ace?
Who was the rapper that brought the chick up on stage?
We're in a car right now, so Ben Can, look it up.
Was it Kendrick Lamar, who's a great rapper, but he brings a chick up on stage.
He sings the N-word along with a song and he like, he used it as a teachable moment.
It's like, dude, what kind of rap is this?
What kind of tattletale fucking rat shit is this?
And I don't think white people should use the N-word, but like, are you really scouring people's Instagram stories to catch them singing along with it?
And you people are like, oh, yeah, Tim, you're a fucking fat white guy from the suburbs.
Are you going to tell us what the spirit of rap is?
Yes.
We bought all the albums.
Yes.
I'm exactly going to tell you what the spirit of rap is.
Spirit of rap is me and my friends driving around to my friend Mike Morris's mother, Saturn, and listening to G-Unit and going, and going to private school.
So that's what it is because we respected the code of the streets.
We respected loyalty.
You know?
There was an idea of people that came from shitty environments that were tough and we respected them.
It's toxic masculinity.
You're damn right it was.
But we respected it.
It wasn't some county rat behavior where you go online and you find this fucking guy who's singing along to the N-word, which again, you know, I'm not for, I'm not saying, say the N-word.
But it seems like a low threshold to cancel someone now in the culture that we're in.
Seems pretty low of a threshold to throw somebody out.
You can accidentally sing along with the N-word.
It's just what happens.
You know, rap was, rap, you know, is supposed to be like cool, you know, because it's it.
Liannis Papas made a great point on the last podcast.
He's like, when you're sitting in a fucking Applebee's and Journey comes on and a bunch of white people start swaying, you want to kill yourself.
So then you go find cool things like rap music that talks about an experience that you didn't grow up with because you grew up in a pussy white, who cares Ville.
And rap is, you know, and now everybody, I get it, everyone is a rapper now, went to a nicer school than I did.
We went to Catholic school where the teachers used to make out with the kids.
But these rappers, you know, half of them went to like good schools and it's all digital marketing and whatever.
And, you know, Doja Cat's a partner at Goldman Sachs.
But I get that it's not what it was.
But still, even for what it is to just be a straight-up rat, isn't that supposed to, I mean, Takashi, whatever his name is, he goes in, he rats out everybody.
It's like, that's supposed to be not cool.
That's not supposed to be the move is to rat out everybody.
And I have nothing to say about James Charles either way.
Whatever.
The guy's made $12 million painting his face.
Good for him.
He's made 12 sticks painting his face.
Jeffree Star, all these people have made, they have 18, 19 million YouTube subscribers.
I had no idea how big of a deal beauty and glamour was.
Because I go out in the real world and everybody looks like shit.
So who is watching these things and internalizing them and taking them seriously?
I mean, I guess it's, you know, the argument doesn't hold up because, you know, fitness people, a lot of people are watching that, but, you know, the country is two-thirds of the people in the country can't lift their leg.
So I understand that it doesn't always trickle down to the streets.
I sat next to a British guy on the plane the other day and there's a, and there's a, and speaking of canceling people, I want to cancel this type of discussion.
Let's be a lot of British people are disgusting.
I'm going to come out and say that right now, and I know a lot of people are going to be angry at me.
A lot of people from the UK, and I specifically mean Britain, are disgusting.
There's not a lot of attractive British women.
There's just not.
There's just, it's what it is.
I'm not trying to get anyone upset.
The teeth are all fucked up.
They're not hot people.
Okay?
And there's this brand of British hipster that people do think is hot with like the man bun and they've got like mangy, gnarled hair, and they're dressed like a hipster in like a black and white striped shirt with leather boots.
And, you know, their father is, you know, some lord that sacrifices children and they're, they're hanging out in like Battersea or some fun hipstery place in Britain.
And I just, they're just disgusting people.
They're eating fish pudding.
They're disgusting.
I'm here to tell you the truth.
It's that type of British hipster.
They always have a man bun.
They have a man bun.
Their idol is like Russell Brand.
They want to be like the worldly guy that even though he's white, he's into transcendental meditation and he understands what a bad boy Whitey's been.
So to me, it's a real, it's a real problem.
And I want to cancel these people.
I want them gone.
And I'm not saying it's genocide.
I just don't want to sit next to them anymore.
I don't want to sit next to them anymore on planes.
I'm a little sick of it.
I'm a little sick of their emaciated girlfriend who looks like she needs to eat and she can't eat because all the food in the country is absolutely repulsive unless it's curry, unless it's Indian food.
And she's dating this fucking pretentious, disgusting waif with his man bun and his hair that he hasn't washed in a week, whose profile picture is probably Greta Thunberg because he's a pedophile, but he's just using climate change.
I just have had enough with them.
I've had enough with them looking like shit and acting like they invented the world when you look like shit.
Total shit.
Take a shower.
You dirt beg.
It's the type of guy that brings out an acoustic guitar at the party.
Nobody asked him to, and everybody wants to kill themselves.
That's what it is.
The type of guy who starts strumming an acoustic guitar and everybody goes, who the fuck is this?
Oh, it's this British guy.
This exotic British guy who just looks like a regular American piece of shit.
But he's got an accent and he thinks he's charming because he speaks differently.
Get in the shower and get an outfit.
Stop dressing like a harlequin clown, like a circus person.
You and your dead-eyed girlfriend on my fucking American Airlines flight in the exit row, which I fucking hate that row now.
I hate the exit row.
Every time I sit in the exit row, I'm next to total pieces of shit who think they should be in business class because they could spring an extra 90 for the exit row.
You're still a pig.
Do you understand me?
You're not in another section of the plane.
You're in the exit row.
You're nothing.
You're not in business class.
They think it's like business class junior being in the fucking exit row.
No, it just means a bitch comes up to you and goes, in the event of a thing, will you help?
And you go, yes.
Hating The Exit Row 00:08:15
And you never get to help because in the event of a thing, we all die.
I'm just a little sick of the exit row attitude.
People that had the extra $100, the extra $79 to spring for the exit row, now think that they're like fucking the Rothschilds.
And they're going to lord their power and prestige over everybody else.
Fuck the exit row.
I'm done with the exit row.
Christmas was, you know, I'm just covering a lot of different things today that have been bothering me.
You know, and then we'll settle into something thematically at some point, I guess, or we won't, or we won't.
You'll deal with that if we don't.
These are just things I've getting off my chest in 2020.
Things that we got to change as a culture.
And the tolerance of the British hipsters.
We've got our own shitty hipsters.
We've got our own overprivileged, white, guilty white, you know, dilettantes, people who pretend to be in the arts, but they're not.
We don't need to import them from London.
Get them out of here.
Give me the Asians.
My parents, again, my boomer parents, their generosity, again, astounding.
For Christmas, they re-gifted me a leather bag and filled it with Dayquil and Ricola Mints because I travel.
And you know what I got them this year?
Zero Nada.
Last year, I got them dinner at La Bernardin, which is a very nice restaurant.
And they gave me a check, which was less than what I spent on their gift certificate.
So I've decided they will never get a present again for the rest of their lives.
There will be no presents for them.
I love them, but there will be no presents for them.
And they can stop getting me presents whenever they want.
They can stop regifting me things and filling it with Dayquil, or they can if they'd like.
Whatever they want to do.
I think that they lean into the description of them that I put out there because that's literally what they did.
They found a leather bag that they were no longer using and they filled it with things that I could use when I traveled, like antibacterial hand wipes.
We wish you a Merry Christmas.
They gave me what a Red Cross shelter would give out to people.
That was my Christmas present.
My Christmas present is what a shelter would give to somebody walking in who is at the lowest point in their life.
Merry Christmas.
But we had fun.
We had a nice time this year.
It was at my stepmother's sister's house.
We were in and out two and a half hours, in and out.
Boom, boom, boom.
By the way, the length of a family party is three hours.
That is it.
You are in, you are out.
Our dinner, our dessert, hour in between, or maybe an hour before dinner.
Bing, bam, boom.
Her sister's a great cook.
Her sister-in-law, she made shrimp scampy and calamari, calamari, and eggplant, all that great shit.
In and out, quick.
And I don't know any of these people.
It's so nice.
I don't know, I barely know them because they're all her relatives, which is so great.
I love going in a room with essentially strangers because everyone's polite and nobody has anything to really discuss.
So you make small talk and they say things like, oh, I saw you in Rogan.
That's nice.
Comedy, that's fun, huh?
You know, there's always like an older guy who's like, yeah, the PC thing.
How are you handling the PC thing?
And I'm always tempted to kind of flip it on him.
I'm like, yeah, you can barely talk about eating a guy's asshole anymore.
It's like people get upset with you.
I don't do that because it's Christmas, but that is a fun way to flip it on somebody.
He's like, you hold this PC.
Now, you comedians, you can't really say nothing.
I'm like, yeah, you can't talk about sucking off a dude.
People get really upset.
It's like, dude, chill with the PC culture.
What?
You just see his head like, see his mind melt, his brain be like, wait a minute, what?
But it's not, it's nice.
Now, by the way, let me read you the text that was sent to me from my cousin who went to my other family.
My cousin who went to my other family, he sent me this text because apparently that melted down so swiftly.
This is what I love.
My family, and I've talked about it before, it's an Irish family.
So we're on, we're in the final stage of it.
Irish families are very good when the kids are young and people still have hope and people, you know, their alcoholism hasn't totally destroyed their lives and they're not thrice divorced and they're not living back with their mother and everything hasn't fallen on his face yet.
And there's the idea that the kids are going to take the family to the next level.
They're going to have better lives than their parents.
Now, in my family, that is not the case.
Nobody's got married.
The few of us are even in serious relationships.
I'm the gay clown is the most successful.
Bad news.
Now, the younger kids are going to Villanova and stuff.
They might do better than me.
Hopefully they do.
But as far as the current crop of kids, nobody's filled with hope.
You know, it's real sad.
And my father's six brothers and sisters, five, because one of them died years and years ago, melanoma.
I guess they all hate each other now because every family party they have just descended to screaming and chaos.
Just screaming and chaos.
So I'm going to read you, which is funny.
I mean, again, folks, you got to enjoy it.
You got to enjoy it.
I don't go anymore because I just want to be with strangers now.
I don't want to go anymore because it's not, it's fun for a few times, screaming in the chaos.
Then you say to yourself, you know what?
I got to be honest.
I'm getting bored with how much you all hate each other because it's boring.
It used to be kind of fun when it would go off the rails, but now it's just gone off the rails so many fucking times, you can't even find the value in it.
You're just like, oh, this again?
It's boring.
We all hate each other.
Let's call it a day.
All these families that keep getting together and fighting, there's no value in that.
It's just over.
Just let it be.
You're not doing anything by getting together and hating each other.
I'm going to hate someone in the same room as damn.
Just let it go.
So I'll find this text.
It was so fun.
It's really interesting when you can call something happening and then it actually happens exactly the way.
You know, we'll talk about Epsom in a little bit because everybody knew exactly what that was.
And now the news is finally catching up and going, yeah, they're intelligent us.
Apparently, apparently they are intelligent us.
That's and this might have to do with Israel.
It's like, yeah, everyone knew that.
Everyone's known that.
Everyone with Wi-Fi has known that for months, some of them years.
And you fucks have just caught up.
So this is what my cousin texted me.
This was great.
First of all, let me read you the text that my aunt sends to the family before everybody gets there.
Okay?
I like this.
It's fun to me.
And a lot of people are like, oh, these are private communique.
Fuck off.
Sue me.
Okay.
How about that?
Go scratch.
I got lawyers and retainer to handle you fucking Irish lugs.
Now, if my family is a bunch of Jews, I keep my mouth shut.
But what are you going to do, you potato farmers?
What are you going to do?
I'll see you in court.
I'll see you in court, baby.
Who are you going to bring in?
You bartender friend to represent you?
Malachi?
So look.
Folks, we're having fun.
It's just fun.
You know, I sometimes have to see these people.
It's very awkward.
Occasionally, I have to be in the same room with these people.
And I forget how public this all is.
You know, hundreds of thousands of people listen.
But what are you going to do?
It's entertaining.
Rich People Failing At Comedy 00:03:39
This is entertaining because people I know are mentally ill.
They're mentally ill.
So if I can't capitalize off their sickness, and I don't mean mentally ill like Instagram mentally ill where you're all, I'm sick because no one wants to hear my shut up.
Mental illness, by the way, has become a brand in this country.
I'm anxiety man.
1992, it's like it has become a fucking brand.
And there's a lot of comedians, names not mentioned, that have enabled that and have leaned into that and it's become their brand and fine.
But what they've done is they've enabled a group of people to basically pretend to be sick to have an identity.
My mother's truly mentally ill.
She's a schizophrenic.
She's in a mental institution.
She's really mentally ill.
Like she thinks, she said to me once, you know, Elvis might be my father.
That's real mental illness, okay?
She's not pouty because sometimes she's scared.
That's not real mental.
Most people are depressed because their lives are shitty and they're idiots.
That's why you're depressed because you're bad.
Every decision you make is wrong.
You've been coddled and told that you were special and that you should go out and follow your dreams.
You don't even have dreams and you wouldn't know what they were.
You should fall in line, find a wife, find a job, find a local pizzeria and eat there.
That's what you should do.
You should not be out trying to fucking fucking Gary Vee notwithstanding.
You should not be out trying to take over the world.
And then you're all kinds of depressed when you find out that you didn't accomplish the thing you weren't suited to do to begin with.
There's a reason I'm not trying to win the Tour de France, okay?
Because I'm not a retard.
Should I be depressed every day that I can't get my fat ass on a bike and go ride around Toulouse?
No.
I should understand that that's not what I'm on the planet to do.
That's why half of you are depressed because nobody tells you you're living wrong.
I know comics whose grandparents were in the CIA, Skull and Bones.
They're trying to do comedy.
I'm like, will you get out of here and go poison someone in the Moroccan embassy and fuck models?
What's wrong with you?
Are you a retard?
Are you stupid?
This is how the country ends.
The ruling class wants to take improv?
Is that what John D. Rockefeller would be doing today?
Be in a sketch group putting out YouTube videos?
I mean, people have a nature.
They have a nature.
If you're born rich, you be rich.
There's nothing to be gained from pretending to fucking be an artist.
I'm not saying rich people can't be artists, by the way.
Mulaney's brilliant.
There's a lot of brilliant guys.
Nick Kroll's brilliant, you know.
And I say that because I believe that and also because I fear his family, but because they're not fucking around.
But the point is, you know, but the point is this.
Some rich people are great.
I'm middle class.
Most artists, very few poor people have the luxury of making people laugh for a living.
I get that.
Most of us are, you know, I've never made the argument that, you know, we're like from the gooder.
It's just not the case.
But you meet some of these uber wealthy people and there's nothing sadder than seeing a rich person fail at being a clown.
It's crazy.
And some of them are pretty good at it and it's still disappointing.
It's still sad.
It's even worse when they can kind of do it.
You're almost like, God damn it.
Let me find this because this is so much fun.
Middle Class Artists Struggle 00:05:35
This is the text that my aunt said, which basically means basically she's like, I just don't want anybody.
I just don't want anybody to come.
That's basically the text that was sent out where she goes, I'm just really not into having anybody come.
That's all.
But she didn't explicitly say that, but I'll tell you this.
If you got this text, you would say to yourself, oh, fuck.
I should not, I should turn around.
It's the craziest thing I've ever heard.
And this was being sent around the family because people were just really laughing at it because, again, this is great.
This is one of my favorite texts I've ever got.
This was a group text sent to my family.
Okay, here we go.
Merry Christmas.
The house is being decorated.
By the way, the way this text turns is one of my favorite things ever.
Again, because I watch it now like a TV show.
I have no investment in it.
So I watch it like, you know, Ozark.
The house is decorated.
The table is being set.
As a reminder, this is a, in caps now, group effort.
I do not expect anyone to do everything, including myself, but I do expect, in caps, again, everyone to do something.
You're going to a party.
Think about this.
Think about getting this text on your way to a party.
Think about getting this text on the way to a party.
Here we go.
Back to the text.
Couple of helpful hints.
During the day, if people could keep an eye out for empty plates, use napkins and empty cans, glasses, cups, and dispose of them, along with disposing of their own, it would be a big help.
After dinner, if people could join in with clearing the table and bring their, already, you should.
Already, you don't go.
Already, if you're sane, you do not go.
After dinner, if people could join in with clearing the table and bring their own and or their kids' dishes to the kitchen, it would be helpful.
We are using the good Christmas china.
It needs to be rinsed.
I will load it into the dishwasher.
The soup bowls just need to be rinsed and set aside on the kitchen table.
I will do them later.
All of the good flatware will be put in a large pot with hot soapy water.
Those two will be done later on.
The nine cup and the six cup pots will be used for coffee.
Many hands will make light work.
If we all pitch in, we can all have a fun and relaxing holiday.
Yeah, that's what this sounds like.
A fun and relaxing holiday.
Doesn't that what this sounds like?
Timmy is spending the holidays with Christina's family this year.
So please, if you plan on drinking wine, plan accordingly.
That's my dad.
He's not bringing a wine this year.
So she's basically like, if you want to drink wine, you bring your own.
You're not dipping into my stash, pig.
She says, you plan on drinking wine, plan accordingly.
And Tim, if I did not thank you properly on Thanksgiving, I apologize.
Thank you for your generosity.
He gets the wine free, whatever.
I hope you and Christina and everyone have a fantastic and very Merry Christmas.
Also, depending on how mom's blood pressure is doing that day, maybe take it several times a day.
I tell you this in case you want to mention it to your kids so that they don't get nervous.
We are trying to titrate her meds.
By the way, there are no kids.
The kids are adults.
You could just say it in the room.
There's no little babies.
There's no children that need to be told about Nanny's blood pressure.
They're adults.
You can be like, oh, we're checking Nanny's blood pressure.
We're trying to, last week, the doctor introduced a new med into the mix and present it, da-da-da-da-da-da.
I state that here as if it is a possibility with low bread pressure, with low blood pressure.
So that was the whole text.
It was sent to the family.
Okay, that was sent to the family.
Okay, that was sent to the family.
Everybody pitch in.
Everybody help.
We don't want any dirty dishes or plates.
We got to keep an eye on Nan's blood pressure.
Now, here's a text I get.
Two hours into Christmas.
Two hours into Christmas.
This is the text I get.
Okay.
This is fucking wild.
Just keep the first text as the table setting for the second one because everybody's concerned about, you know, the house looking nice and, you know, everything being, everything has a proper place.
And we just want to make sure that everybody is, you know, everybody is okay.
All right, so here's a text that I get Christmas Eve.
7.38.
Aunt Kay, my mom, Aunt Carol, blowout fight.
Kathleen in garage crying.
Carol taking a walk around the block.
Thomas is out there yelling at Kathleen.
She's acting ridiculous.
Jesus Christ won't even make it to dessert.
I'm like, what are they fighting about?
He wrote, dishes.
They're fighting with the dishes.
It's so crazy to me.
You fight about, like after that whole long text, it's just a blowout fight.
And it'll start with the dishes and it'll go into like something crazy.
So this is why I just don't, I just separate from it.
And I just, from afar, I kind of like check in on it every now and then.
Somebody send me a text because it's just, it's just gone off the, and it used to go off the rails around 3 a.m., but it'd be fun until then.
But now it just goes off the rails an hour in.
Family Fighting Over Dishes 00:03:18
There's not even fun.
It's just, it's pointless.
But I feel bad.
I feel bad.
I don't really have that.
Like my younger cousins, I don't see that much.
I don't have any huge relationship with them, which is kind of sad.
But if they get on TikTok and get a following, we could maybe start, we could do a collab.
I appreciate that.
But it's just so funny to see like so many messages from people this year that were like, you know what?
I've just really started to look at like my family and friends in another light.
And I've said to myself, I just don't need toxic people.
You don't, the reality is there's always some angle where people are like, well, you know what?
You're doing it for your mother.
You're doing it for you.
And, you know, after a while, that's no longer true because you're like, we're just making everyone's life worse by subjecting everybody to this.
It's okay.
Move on.
You have one life.
Don't waste it with people that for whatever reason, just because you were born with people or you were friends with them for a stretch of time doesn't mean you're indebted to them and you have to fucking spend every meaningful moment of your life with them until everybody goes insane and kills each other.
It's just not what has to happen.
And I think my family, I think this is probably the breaking point, unfortunately for my grandmother, who I love and adore.
But I think it's the breaking point where people are genuinely like, we're kind of done now.
I think people are like, we're just, we've just had enough.
And I mean, you know.
Yeah, that's the new thing.
Everybody says brain damage.
Yeah, we're saying there was a girl heckling me at Fort Worth, screaming like a lunatic.
And then when she was confronted, her boyfriend at the table goes, oh, I'm sorry.
She has brain damage.
So this is the new way that people don't have to account for their behavior is saying that they have brain damage.
I have a neurological issue.
I have brain damage.
Yeah, I have brain damage.
Sorry, my girlfriend started screaming at the top of her lungs, calling the comedian a cunt.
It's brain damage.
She has a brain disorder.
I was like, I think her brain's working fine.
She's just a fucking lunatic.
She's a problem.
Speaking of people who have brain disorders, I want to thank Joe DeRosa for calling me a Republican in the Intero Bang.
I love Joe.
I'm kidding.
Joe's a great comedian and a friend, and I do enjoy him.
He's one of those guys that comedians say he's really smart, which is never a good sign.
You know, when all these comedians are like, oh, that guy's smart.
It's like, oh, boy.
When clowns elect you as their, they're, you know, as the guy that's intelligent.
And by the way, people say that about me, and I always cringe.
Joe DeRosa, it was kind of funny.
They asked him who's going to be big in 2020.
He's like, oh, Tim Dylan's a gay Republican.
He's going to make it.
You know, Chappelle made it.
And he said it was all like, you know, the whole thing happened where it was everyone hates straight white men.
And then Dave Chappelle came out and everyone's like, nope, it's just men.
And now Tim Dylan will make it all men again, including gay men.
It's like, it's just all straight men and now it'll be all men.
So it was kind of funny.
But then a couple of people were like, she's tennis Republican.
Media Hunting For Truth 00:10:01
I'm like, listen, I don't, it truly, I don't care what anyone says about me at all.
Buy the ticket, buy the shirt.
I really don't care anymore what you could call yourself, what you call me, what you call anybody.
Call anybody whatever you want, you moron.
Think they give a shit?
Doesn't matter.
I just had a great lunch at Manhattan Beach with Steven Paddock.
The great friend is a close friend of mine.
He's someone I've grown to respect in the last few months.
He's a fucking patriot.
I really don't care what anyone says.
These definitions don't mean anything.
The mainstream media has finally caught up with the fact that Gislane Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein were working for an intelligence service.
Thanks, guys.
Thanks for your due diligence over there, the mainstream media.
I'm glad you stopped covering Lizzo's thigh for five minutes and you were able to kind of key in on what's probably the biggest political scandal of our time.
Good job.
This is obvious to everyone.
I said before, anybody with a Wi-Fi connection, anybody paying the least amount of attention to anything new this, they knew it.
And they knew it with the Franklin scandal and with the King Corus boys home in Ireland.
These fucking, you know, when Lord Mountbot, Mount Montbotton, whatever his name is, these demonic, you know, people in the royal family and whatever were doing horrible things to kids and then being recorded and then having that information being used against them and blackmail.
It's been going on for a very, very long time.
You know?
And I bet Ghislaine Maxwell right now, man, they'd really love to get rid of her.
They can't really kill her right now because it would be like, it would be too much.
But man, they really, they didn't expect like the fact that she's still around is not really working out well for anybody.
The fact that she's still around and the FBI might, you know, starting to be interested in her and they're starting to investigate people like her and some of Epstein's other acquaintances, maybe guys like Glenn Dubin, the billionaire hedge fund manager in New York, maybe not.
I don't know that they're investigating him.
I'm not saying they are, but he allegedly, you know, along with Ghislaine Maxwell were like threatening 15-year-old girls from Sweden that they had, you know, brought to the country and everything because they didn't want to have sex.
Supposedly this guy, very creepy dude that had a relationship with Epstein in New York.
I don't really know what acquaintances or co-conspirators they're looking into, but that was one article that I read today.
Yeah, it's like the Boston Marathon bombing.
They didn't want the little one to live.
Like nobody wanted the little guy to live.
And he did.
Like they were shooting into that boat to get rid of both of them.
See, the idea that Ghislaine is still walking around doesn't help anybody.
Now, at least she's out of the public eye.
She disappeared in 2016.
I think she resurfaced at an event in Switzerland or Sweden.
And it was like a, you know, whatever, high-end event, cocktail party, garden party, wherever the hell she was.
And that was the last time she'd been seen publicly.
And then, of course, there's that photo of her, you know, at In N-Out with that dumb book that said the secret lives of intelligence operatives.
That's the fucking book.
That's the book she's holding in the thing.
So the mainstream media just finally figured out that maybe they had something to do with intelligence.
The woman who was holding a book that said the secret lives of intelligence, as if to say, fuck you, look at me.
They finally figured out.
It's her version of OJ Simpson's book, If I Did It.
That was that photo of Ghislaine Maxwell.
Holding the intelligence book.
That's like the media finally getting around if they had gone to sleep on OJ.
And then he wrote a book called If I Did It.
And they were still like, we don't understand all these conspiracies with OJ.
I wonder why people are so hell-bent on saying he had something to do with it.
And then eventually being like, well, we've looked at the facts and perhaps, perhaps Arnfall James Simpson did have some, he does bear some responsibility.
It's funny.
They want her out.
They want her dead.
I mean, they want her dead.
She's got a lot of information on a lot of powerful people.
She, you know, if you read the story, like a story, which it is, you know, she is Epstein's quote-unquote, whether you want to call it handler, where she's introducing him to really wealthy and powerful people to then go blackmail.
She's also probably introducing him to the contacts in these intelligence agencies, potentially the Mossad and maybe others, because her father was a Mossad agent and Seymour Hirsch wrote a book about that.
Robert Maxwell was a media mogul, but had, you know, died in a very shady way, worked for the Mossad.
So this isn't a new angle here, but the media just got to it.
And they're really looking to get rid of her.
We're going to find out in a few years, by the way, because every news story is so insane, you can't trust anybody now.
We're going to find out in a few years that Epstein was a good guy.
He was like a mentally deficient guy who had no idea what was going on on his island.
He was just one of the groundskeepers.
He thought they were literally running like a fucking summer camp on the island.
He had no idea.
That's what's going to come out.
Yeah, Jeffrey was just, you know, he was like a simpleton who had no idea, just used to walk around in that big Harvard sweatshirt.
He's the fall guy.
We're going to find that out.
Find that out in a few years when the Epstein truthers come out.
I had a Sandusky truther send me a book once.
That's when I knew my career was heading in the right direction.
When a guy who was like, you got to take another look into the Sandusky thing.
The other thing, folks, is there are no conspiracies anymore.
It's all out in front of you.
So if you've got some far-off, real, like, wild take on this, you're wrong.
Because this is all in the front.
It's here.
We know what it is.
We don't know who was compromised.
We don't know who, but in many cases, we do even know who was on the island.
So the idea of like, you know, no, it's a whole other thing you haven't even thought of.
It's not.
It's not.
We get it.
There are no more conspiracies.
2020 is going to be the year the conspiracy died.
It's just the news now.
It's the news.
There's never been a time in America when less has been hidden from your fat face.
It's all in front of you.
You can choose to believe it or not to believe it, but it's everything you thought.
Doesn't mean that there aren't things they're not going to try to keep from you.
I'm sure there are.
But their ability to do that seems to be less and less.
They just don't have the ability to keep things under wrap the way they used to.
Certain things, sure.
Like nobody believes the Steven Paddock thing.
Nobody knows why.
They don't believe it.
We just don't believe it.
Like, could he have gotten the shots off?
Could he get maybe, but it's just the creepiest, shadiest thing ever.
This guy, very, you know, like, no social media presence, flips out, no motive, does this whole thing.
His girlfriend deletes her Facebook account an hour later, claims she had no, you know, the name of the shooter hadn't been released yet, but she deletes her Facebook.
She flies to the Philippines.
The guy's ordering for two people in his room, but he stayed there alone.
Blah, blah, blah.
Nobody believes it.
Everybody just shrugs and goes, Yeah, that's, I don't know.
I don't know.
What are we having for dinner?
You know, it's crazy.
You're just expected to believe it.
You're expected to believe it.
And you just go, okay, sure.
Yeah.
And maybe it happened.
But there's no real effort to get to the bottom of anything.
Same thing.
Those two kids who blew up the boss of the marathon.
And FBI is like, we don't know who they are.
Russian intelligence is like, yeah, you do.
And then the FBI is like, yeah, you're right.
We do.
Yeah, you're right.
We do.
It's like, well, what the what?
What the fuck is that?
What do you mean you don't know?
The FBI is not like a Chili's, right?
Where you're like, I don't know if we have to sell those in Egg Rolls today.
I think we ran out.
Oh, no, no, no, we got them.
Like, there's, there's, there's more behind the scenes working there, right?
You guys, before you come out and make public statements, you do a little fucking research into whether you knew who these people were.
Yeah, we knew them.
We're sorry.
And then they go and interview one of the friends in a hotel room and end up killing him.
The feds end up killing the friend.
And you have to just go, yeah, that makes sense.
That makes sense that they would deny knowing who the two guys were and then admit that they knew him and then go and kill their friend in the hotel.
And then nobody's heard anything about the trial because there's special administrative measures put on all the lawyers and none of the lawyers have ever been interviewed and blah blah blah blue.
Yeah, it all works.
All makes sense.
What's for dinner?
And what do you, yeah, what do you, yeah, sure.
I mean, that's so, there are still things where, but we know again, like, it's like, it's not conspiracies.
It's just you're like, yeah, it doesn't wash.
Doesn't make any sense.
You do what you want to do.
You want to talk about Trump and Jesus and the time machine and QAnon, whatever makes you feel better.
Therapy As Self Care Hustle 00:15:25
I just go, fuck me.
I don't know.
I don't know.
You guys do what you want to do.
You talk about the black cube and Saturn and Satan.
And I go, yeah, all right, maybe.
Maybe so.
You ain't doing nothing with your YouTube comments.
And it's just, it's not really doing much.
You know, if you, if you, you know, make something, produce something, put something out there with evidence, with sources, and still won't matter, but at least do that.
But your unsourced YouTube comments, probably not really the idea that you figured it out is not believable to me because I think you might have brain damage.
That's how I'm going to get away with everything.
I'm just going to go, I have brain damage.
Mr. Dylan, you are wildly inappropriate.
I'm sorry.
I have brain damage.
My brain does not work well.
Unless you're not mad at me, in which case it's fine.
If you're angry at me for any reason, it means my brain is malfunctioning because it's damaged.
You know?
It's a lot of fun, folks.
You just got to enjoy it.
You just got to enjoy it.
And at the end of the day, you got to laugh at it.
Otherwise, you'll go crazy if you don't laugh.
Protect your friends and family.
Try to get the justice you can get.
Love to see these people behind bars.
Love to see it happen.
Love to see Ghislaine Maxwell behind bars for what she's done.
I'm not one of these people who doesn't want to see justice or thinks it's completely impossible.
I just think it's unlikely.
It's difference.
It's not blackpilling to say it's unlikely.
Could happen.
Almost happened with Jeffrey.
They got in there, though.
And, you know, by the way, podcasting three years from now.
And now we know that Jeffrey was just a mentally deficient groundskeeper.
That all of the people who were really running the cult, they were just using this guy's name.
He had no idea what was going on.
I mean, can you imagine that in four years, we're just rehabilitating the image of Epstein?
We have besmirched the name of a good man.
I saw Kathy Griffin got married on Twitter.
Man, she loves the spotlight, huh?
She really loves the spotlight.
Something interesting about her.
She just, you know, she really wants not a minute of private time.
She doesn't want any of that.
She has no interest in that.
Lily Tomlin officiated her wedding on Twitter.
And you're like, listen, I post a lot of shit.
I'm, you know, a public person to a degree.
I'm not nearly, I don't have nearly the profile that she does.
She's much more successful.
But do you ever wonder about just taking a minute to yourself?
I mean, I don't know.
God love her.
I guess maybe it was to get back at Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper because they were doing something on New Year's Eve and she's like, fuck those guys.
Which, by the way, I thought what she did was stupid with the Trump head, but I thought that those people that abandoned her sucked and fucked them.
But they're corporate.
I mean, you know, Cooper's a Vanderbilt who works for CNN.
Andy Cohen has a network where they, you know, have shows where, you know, people kill themselves during the show.
You know, the Real Housewives, people off themselves in front of their kids and they set it to music.
That's what he does.
That's his cultural contribution to the world is to film people's breakdowns, to film people's drug addiction and breakdowns and then give them a glass of wine and go, hey, there's a load of gun in the parlor.
Camera's on.
Action.
You know?
That's what he did.
He is as responsible for Trump as anyone, by the way.
Andy Cohen and Bravo are as responsible for the rise of Donald Trump as anybody because they legitimize that stuff.
That train wreck.
You know, that obsession with watching a car crash in slow-mo, with watching orchestrated and doctored reality that you knew was fake, but was just entertaining so you didn't care.
You know, you want to start blaming people?
You do a lot worse than blaming Andy Cohen for that, by the way, and those shows.
Which I admit, I've watched.
Some of them are enjoyable.
But when I look back and I can zoom out, I go, yeah, it's, you know, Probably a negative thing for the kids on that show that were watching their dad kill themself.
That's probably not good.
You know?
I mean, so you want to start pointing a finger.
You want to start, you know, you could do a lot worse than fucking Andy Cohen.
But maybe that was what she was trying to do.
Maybe she was trying to say, fuck you guys.
I'm going to get married and take some eyeballs away from Anderson, Cooper, and Andy Cohen, who people got mad at because they said cock on CNN at midnight or whatever.
It's like, again, if you're not mad at Trump, you can't get mad at that.
Otherwise, you're like, okay, well, we just don't think gay people should be able to say anything vulgar.
If that's your, then that's fine.
But the president of the United States is making fun of Megan Kelly's period in a debate.
So if that doesn't bother you and you don't think that's bad for your kids, then I don't know why your kids are awake at midnight watching CNN either on New Year's Eve.
What kind of parent are you that your kids are watching CNN at midnight with two drunk gay guys?
The audience for that is, number one, is no one.
I don't know why anyone's watching anything on the air.
New Year's programming should be turned on the minute before the ball and turned off the minute after New Year's.
It should be a three-minute viewing experience.
No, but, no, I like the banter.
I want to hear the banter.
Well, then you get a friend and you speak to them.
Do you see how that works?
No, I like banter.
Me and my girl like to watch New Year's because there's going to be a performance by Post Malone who's great.
I'm not shitting on Post Malone, but you know, you don't need this.
All these people are mad.
They're like, it's the degeneracy of CNN.
It's like, dude, the president of the United States is making fun of some chicks, period, on prime time during a debate, which kids are, some of them are told to watch for school.
And he's, you know, or maybe he didn't say it in a debate, but he said it.
It was in the news cycle.
He said it right afterwards.
And that's like one of the more tame things he said.
Every day he fires something off.
So it's like, you either are just letting it fly or not.
I agree with you.
Yeah, they probably shouldn't have said cock.
He shouldn't say anything he says.
And everybody should go back to not speaking every thought that enters their head.
But that's not what we have going here, folks.
We got a real free-for-all happening.
We got a goddamn free-for-all going on.
So you got to be somewhat consistent.
Don't let your kids watch anything.
I don't know what to tell you.
That's what most people do with kids.
They sit them in front of a TV and check in with them twice and then they're 18.
It's not the move.
I see what these parents do.
They give their kid an iPad and say, good luck.
Good luck.
You know?
Mom's depressed.
I can't do anything with you today.
Go play on the iPad.
I'm going to go sulk on the couch.
I'm not denigrating people with serious mental illness, but there's millions and millions of people in this country that are literally pretending to be mentally ill.
And it's bothering me.
And I've always had this idea about therapy.
Here's the thing with therapy, folks.
And this is another hot take that will not be appreciated by everybody.
Here we go.
75% of therapy.
Are you ready for this?
I want you to sit in your chair.
Bye, Steven.
Paddock's leaving.
Bye-bye.
All right.
I'll see you.
He's so funny.
We try to do once a month lunch.
We're both in town.
75% of all therapy is useless.
garbage.
You're not meant to get to the bottom of it all.
Life is too short.
Daddy didn't love you.
Maybe if he fucked you, okay.
You need something.
But the idea that, okay, you didn't have the perfect parents or the perfect upbringing or whatever.
I'm telling you right now, plumbing the depths of it for the rest of your life is going to do nothing for you.
Ignore it.
Compartmentalize it.
Put it in a lockbox, as Al Gore would say when he was running for president.
He goes, put Social Security in a lockbox.
Compartmentalize.
Learn how to do that.
It's very helpful.
You don't have to.
And sometimes you should be sad.
Life's about that.
Maybe you're at a bar, you're alone, you have a couple of drinks.
It's the right time to be sad.
Then open the compartment and take out all the shit you have to be sad about and be sad.
You hear a song, come on in the car.
Oh, it's time to be sad.
Well up with tears.
It's sad time.
And then you get where you're going and you go, okay, we're putting it back in the compartment.
Zip it up.
And then we're going to go be productive and do something else.
I don't think you have to figure it all out because you're not going to.
You're going to have to live and let live.
Therapy, by the way, let's be honest right now.
How many people are useless and then halfway through the conversation, you go, what are you in school for?
What are you doing?
They go, I'm a therapist.
Let's be honest.
My friend Michelle wants to be a love therapist.
She's had three failed marriages.
She wants to be a couples therapist.
These are the people getting into this.
I mean, think back on the last person who told you they're a therapist.
I guarantee you, it was somebody where you went, that person has nothing meaningful to add to anything.
I'm telling you the truth.
And there are a few that are good, and there are people that genuinely need therapy, need help, but there's a lot of people.
There's a little bit of a hustle out there.
It's a little bit of a con job going on for people with college degrees.
You don't really know what to do.
So they're going to sit on their ass and listen to you talk about the fact your dad was not as supportive as he should have been.
Hey, boo-hoo-hoo.
Grow up.
Stop thinking about it if it bothers you.
Figure out a way to stop thinking about it.
You have power over your own mind.
Here's why therapy has become necessary because we're telling everyone they have to get to the bottom of everything and they have to be okay with everything and everybody, which is insane.
That's why therapists, that's why they make millions and millions of dollars because we've told everybody that before you leave planet Earth, you got to be okay with everyone that's ever wronged you and you got to make peace with everything, which isn't true.
You just have to forget about it so that it doesn't fucking impact your day-to-day life.
You don't have to make peace with it.
In fact, in some cases, people that never make peace with it are very successful because there's a part of it that still drives them to do things.
So enough with the therapy shit.
Literally, enough with this self-care stuff.
I've done this before on the show, but this idea of self-care, we're a deeply selfish country of demons.
The idea that any of our problems are because people in America are not thinking enough about themselves is hilarious.
That is the funniest thing I've ever heard.
That if you were to diagnose this country's issues, you would say there's just too many do-gooders.
That's America's problem.
What do you think America's problem is?
Well, from what I've observed, there's just too many people looking out for each other.
Really?
Yeah, that's what I think their biggest issue is.
And these people are tired all day from feeding and housing the homeless, and they just can't really, they can't do anything for themselves.
So they need self-care, which means nothing.
What does it mean?
Masturbating with a candle?
It means nothing.
Taking a bath.
Everything you do all day is self-care.
That $3,800 Frappuccino that you drink in your car is self-care.
You're pumping yourself full of drugs.
Self-care.
That vacation you took, self-care.
The kids you half-raised because you want to watch Bravo.
Self-care.
The reality TV you watch is self-care.
Everything you do is self-care.
There is no other care, by the way.
Nobody's pioneered that.
Nobody's thought about that yet.
So therapy goes into self-care where they're like, well, I just gotta, I just gotta talk to someone about everything that bought.
And you realize that most of the people in therapy, by the way, let's be honest, have lived nice lives.
Let's be really honest.
Most of the people in therapy have lived very nice, enviable lives that any of us would have wanted to live.
A lot of the people that should be in therapy because they were genuinely fucked over don't have the money to do it.
It's not an option for them.
And I'm not saying that all therapy is bad.
I'm saying a lot of it is garbage.
I say 75%.
Indulging Depressive Patterns 00:04:33
I still think I stick with that.
75%, I think, is garbage.
Self-care.
I just need some time to talk about myself and all the things that bother me.
Well, you don't have to talk about them because you don't have to think about them.
You can actually just put them somewhere where you can't get to them and then bring them out whenever you need them and then put them back in.
That's all.
That can be done.
We've overdone it with the chatty Kathy.
And I think we know we have.
You know, I just, I want you.
And then I just think, I just think that my, you know, like the commitment issues that like he has, but then I also have shut up and do something.
You privileged.
I mean, the idea, what these people talk about in therapy, I don't know.
I just think maybe it's a fear that I have or that maybe that he has, but I think it's just the fear that like is, it's just like, it was so good, it was bad.
Like, do you know what I mean?
Like, do you know what it?
Do you know what it is?
Get a job.
Do something.
Stop burdening yourself.
Forget other people.
They're making money, by the way.
Stop burdening yourself with these thoughts that people are just masochists by their very nature.
They want to drown themselves in negativity and negative thoughts.
This is our nature as human beings to do.
I don't know if it goes back to the, you know, eating the apple and we're born of sin and whatever.
I don't know where it goes back.
I don't care.
It may be deeper than that.
But what it is, is it's just indulgent.
And when you indulge certain thoughts and certain patterns of behavior, they become pathologies.
Stop indulging this shit.
Cut it off.
You know?
I know that if I wanted to lose weight, I can lose weight and I should, but it's not a therapist.
I know exactly why I eat.
So me paying $100 to a therapist to tell her why I eat or him doesn't make any sense.
It just, it makes sense for the therapist because they need to make money.
You know?
There was a whole thing about 12-step programs in the patriarchy of AA, this article that was written, which, you know, was like AA is a patriarchy.
So instead of people sobering up, they can shout yas queen as they relapse and die.
Great article.
My criticism of therapy is not meant to broadbrush everything.
I think there is validity to certain 12-step programs.
I think there is validity to some forms of therapy that people really need.
But let's not pretend that we haven't blown the whole thing out of proportion.
Treating mental health like some fad.
And you just, you know, a lot of the reasons you hate yourself are valid.
They're valid reasons.
You're right.
My friend once said to his father, he goes, I think I'm depressed.
He goes, you're 40 years old.
You have no career, no family, no money, and no woman.
You should be depressed.
Now, if that was therapy, I'd say go to it every day if that was therapy.
But that's not.
Therapy would be like, well, why do you think, do you think that, do you think it would be constructive for you to put...
No, his father was like, you're a loser, and that's why you're sad.
There's a reason you're anxious.
There's a reason you're sad.
There's a reason you're depressed.
Most people want to go to therapy because they want to keep doing the thing that makes them anxious and depressed and somehow mitigate that.
They go, I'm in a horrible relationship, but I'd like to stay in it and go to therapy to mitigate its effects on me.
I'm in the wrong job, but I'd like to just stay at it and go to therapy so that they can teach me some coping mechanisms so I continue to, so I can continue to live the absolutely wrong way and mitigate the effects of doing so.
That's what most therapy is.
I'm miserable and I've made all the wrong decisions.
I'd like to continue to making bad decisions, but I want to be happy now.
Are we by you know who?
No, right?
Podcasts Blowing Brains Out 00:05:41
You know who.
Oh, no, no.
Okay.
It kind of looks like we were, though.
This is a conversation.
Okay.
I'm just, I don't want to get wrong.
I know people are going to go nuts at me for the therapy rant, but you know what?
Sometimes we just got to do it, folks.
Sometimes we just got to do it.
I love all these people congratulating each other for getting into therapy.
Well, congrats, congrats.
You're in therapy.
Stop.
Will you stop?
A real therapy should be somebody who has to deal with my mother where my mother says, totally batch it off the wall crazy stuff.
And a real therapist is like, um, do you have any proof that your sister is in the FBI?
Like, that's what a real therapist should have to do.
Not listening to talk about your gash for an hour.
For an hour.
If you really need it, you need it.
But there's another type of therapy that nobody puts any credence in, and it's called forgetting.
Forgetting what happened.
Accept people as they are.
Don't arrange the world in the way that you need it to be arranged.
Enough with it.
Don't think about it.
You know?
How long have we done here?
Another 33 we've done.
We're at 70?
Yeah, probably like 75, 80.
75, 80.
I will say this, folks.
You know, podcasting is so funny.
We wonder when like the podcast bubble is going to burst.
I love like the Girls Got to Eat podcast, which is very successful, and those girls are very funny.
They went on, I was watching an interview that they did with like, I don't know, some Windy City Chicago.
And like these newscasters are just starting to get, like, podcasts are just starting to get on the radar now of newscasters, like local news people.
So that when these girls go in and they pack a whole theater out, they have to go and like, you know, they do this local news stuff.
And then the people at the local news desk are like, what is this podcasting?
What are you doing?
And it's like those girls make more money.
If you knew how much money they made, you'd blow your brains out right there at KABC Chicago.
You'd blow your brains right out if those girls told you how much money.
What is this podcasting?
What's going on?
A lot of people have these podcasts now.
Yeah, they should just write a number on a pad and say, this is what I made last month.
And then you see newscasters, you'd see their faces go blank for a minute.
And then they would just like swallow hard.
They would like gulp.
And then they'd have to get on because newscasters are basically selling their pussy in the street right now.
Local newscasters.
I mean, those people are like, they'd love to get trafficked to Epstein's Island.
They think those girls had it good.
I just love the idea.
Like, they asked very dismissively about podcasts.
What's this?
What's this podcast everybody's doing?
What do you girls make?
They just turn around.
They just write a number on a pad.
They go, here's what we made.
Here's what we made last year.
And then the local news anchors just are like, oh, God.
And they just take out a gun and they blow their brains out.
I think that would be hilarious.
I would like, I'm trying to write a sitcom about a kid who's building a TikTok empire and he's the only one in his family who works and he has to, he makes them do more and more demeaning shit all the time.
But this is the only way that, you know, the family can make any money.
So the kid like forces them, like the grandmother has cancer, but he forces her to like do TikToks and like smoke weed and everything.
And like, it's just part of, it's part of, I'm trying to come up with something.
I think that might be fun.
Just like social media being the only way out.
You have this Rust Belt family that's taking orders from this 15-year-old TikToker because he's their only shot.
Kind of like that show, the other one on Comedy Central that failed spectacularly.
Remember that?
That was funny and then they didn't know how to market it and now knowing now it's gone.
It's about the young YouTube kid and he had the siblings that were failures in the business or whatever were near do wells and he was the only one that could make it work.
That's good.
They're in a good place over there.
They're in a good place.
They're in a good place.
Cable TV, the future.
Basic cable, the future.
I'm trying to think if I had one channel right now, if I could own one channel, what would I want to own?
Maybe lifetime television for women, because that you can just ratchet up and get crazier.
And there's going to be like an audience for it.
But like a comedy channel, they're just going to go to the internet.
But Lifetime's got a real specific audience of like women that wish they were beaten.
That's like the women that watch Lifetime.
Women that wish anyone cared enough about them to hit them.
They would love the passion of a hand smacking their face.
That's who watches Lifetime.
So I think with that group of people watching, you could do a lot.
The future's real bright if that's your crew.
Because they'll take the ride with you.
Selling To Lifetime Viewers 00:14:12
Tim DylanComedy.com, we have a lot of great opportunities for you.
We're launching our jewelry line very soon.
We can go door to door and kind of get people involved in low-cost, highly made jewelry.
We have a 12-point plan we'll be sending out to you about how to sell that, how to enrich yourselves, your friends, and your family.
It's all about multiple revenue streams right now.
You don't need a brick and mortar office, but you need guidance from a proven and tested sales team led by someone with a vision.
And that will be me.
We'll be talking about that.
People that don't know you and are threatened by you will call it a Ponzi scheme or they'll call it multi-level marketing.
They'll say that we're taking advantage of you.
They will say that it's not a real job, that it is clearly fraud.
Those people are scared of you and they don't want to see you do well.
So we're very excited to kind of introduce our new jewelry line of watches, earrings.
And it's going to go like this.
Like you knock on someone's door and you go, hi, hello.
Got to dress nice.
Look like a jeweler.
Look like somebody would buy jewelry from because you're selling jewelry door to door.
Low-cost, highly made jewelry that can resell.
If times are tough, they can boil it down.
They can melt it down.
But it's going to really enrich their lives.
So what you do is you knock on the door and you say, hi.
Let's just say your name is Carol.
Hi, my name is Carol.
And I'm with Dylan Jewels.
Would you have any a few minutes?
Hey, they're going to start to shut the door in your face.
So the first line's got to be very important.
So do you have any time today to discuss low-cost, well-made jewelry?
We want to get you in a plan, on a plan, in a plan.
Hey, we want to get you.
Look them in the eye.
Hi.
My name is Carol.
I'm from Dylan Jewels.
Do you have a little time today?
And that's because if you do high voice, you go, do you have a little time today to talk about low-cost, highly made...
No, hold on.
Low-cost, well-made jewelry from podcaster Tim Dylan.
Podcaster Tim Dylan has had a passion for jewelry his entire life.
He goes and buys these stones at the Diamond District.
He cuts them himself.
He supervises it while other people do the stone cutting.
And we get them out to you for low cost, low money.
And what you can do is then you can start selling these to your friends and family.
We want the jewels to go to you and we want you to bring the jewels to your friends and family.
And we were going to call it run the jewels and then we got sued.
But that's what we want.
So you're going to have to learn how to sell because it's not a, that is a little bit of a rough sell, knocking on someone's door, trying to talk to them about jewelry.
What do you do for a living?
Have you ever thought about selling jewelry?
Have you ever thought about creating opportunities for yourself and your family?
Well, how about creating opportunities for yourself and your family with low-cost, low-cost, well-made jewelry from podcaster Tim Dylan?
Do you feel like sometimes your job, you're boxed in or you hit a ceiling?
Do you not want to feel like that?
Is 2020 going to be your year or not?
Maybe that's the entrance point.
You look at them and go, hey, let me ask you a question.
You're on their doorstep.
Is 2020 going to be your year?
And if they say no, go, why not?
And if they say yes, say why.
And here's the thing.
You have the same, here's what you're, you have a, you have an ace in the hole because the answer to this question is the same no matter what they say.
And it's jewels that have to sell jewelry.
You have to tell them that no matter what happens.
They go, it's not my year.
It's well, you're not selling jewelry.
It is my year.
And you go, nope.
You got to sell jewels by Dylan.
And you say to them, have you ever heard of multi-level marketing?
It's very different than a Bonzi scheme.
Say that right away.
Say that right away because they need to know that what you're doing is different than what other people do.
Go, I'm not here to sell anything to you.
That's another one you do.
Go, I'm not here to sell anything to you.
What I'm here to do is get you involved in an opportunity.
And the opportunity is actually to just create opportunities for your family and friends with a line of jewelry that you will sell door to door for Dylan Jewels.
That's all.
So we're very excited about that.
That's rolling out.
And then if you're interested in that, we have a course that we're going to give at the Scottsdale Marriott.
And the course is $7,800, but it includes four days breakfast and nonstop seminars where we introduce you to the jewelry and about selling the jewelry.
And we talk about a lot of things that are going to be essential if you want to create opportunities.
Because that's the business we're in, is the creating of opportunities.
So $7,800, you could finance it, charge it, take out a credit card, put that AGs on the card.
Put it on a card.
Do you think Warren Buffett would be where he is today if he didn't do everything he could to go to a seminar in the Scottsdale Marriott about selling jewelry?
By the way, as I do this as a joke, some of you are so stupid that I'm doing myself a disservice by not ripping you off more.
You know what I mean?
Like what Gary Vee and all them have realized about the planet is that many of you don't deserve to not be robbed.
That's what Gary's real.
He's like, no, rob.
They're there to be robbed.
They're that dumb.
Just take it from them.
Timdylancomedy.com for all our dates that are coming up.
Please come to the shows.
They're very fun.
Tim J. Dylan, D-I-L-L-O-N on Instagram, Twitter, follow, tell your friends about the show.
We've got a lot of live events coming up.
We're all over the place.
Please, this is going to be our year, not because of comedy.
We don't really care about that, but because of the jewel business that we are starting.
And I want you to take it seriously.
This is not a joke.
There is a mailing list on my website.
Sign up for that mailing list.
It says we're going to alert you about live shows and stuff.
Here's what's really going to happen.
We're going to give you the ammunition.
Well, we decided that wasn't a good word because of all the school training.
We're going to give you the resources to create opportunities for your friends and your family by selling high, high quality, low cost jewelry door to door or in your office until they threaten to fire you because that will happen because they're player haters.
They are player haters wherever you work.
But before they do, you set up a little kiosk at Applebee's right on the bar.
Now, the manager is going to come up to you at Applebee's and he's going to go, why do you have all these turquoise necklaces on the bar?
And you go, have you heard Jewels by Dylan by podcaster Tim Dylan?
He's going to go, you can't do that here.
You can't do that here.
You cannot sling turquoise jewelry from this Applebee's.
And you say, it is low-cost, high-quality jewelry.
Right in his face.
High cost, low.
See, I fucked it up again.
I said, high-cost, low-quality.
That is the hardest thing about this.
The hardest thing about it is to not say high cost, low-quality.
Because then even though you can laugh it off, people are still going to believe that that's the case.
So you have to do is say low-cost, high-quality.
You got to practice in the mirror.
Low-cost, high quality, low-cost, high quality.
And if your kids or your wife get in your face while you're doing this, I'm not saying hit them, but mush them, shove them, get them out of there.
Low-cost, high quality.
Low-cost, high quality.
And that's what he says to you.
You cannot sell jewelry like this at this island burgers and shakes that you work at.
You go, hey, it's low-cost, high quality.
I'm just creating opportunities for people.
So that's what we're trying to do here.
We're trying to get out of this, trying to get a merch game.
And I don't want to just do standard merch.
I want you guys to follow me into a pit.
And I think the best way to do that, what is everybody like?
Jewelry.
But what's the problem with jewelry?
Oftentimes, what is it?
High cost, low quality.
We've solved that because this is high quality, low cost.
And what's the other problem, Jewelry?
You got to go get it or wait for someone to love you enough to give it to you.
Not going to happen.
Ladies watching Lifetime, you get your own jewels, heifer.
So what you have to do is in your own home, you can have little parties like Tupperware parties where you get a bunch of your single women friends together and go, the reason that nobody fucks us and loves us is because we don't have high quality, low cost jewelry on ourselves at all times.
And if we did, we would look better and we'd be able to enrich yourself or your friends.
Like, for example, let's say I'm having lunch.
Ben doesn't have a mic out for himself, but it doesn't matter.
You can imagine Ben and me are having lunch.
I haven't seen Ben in a while because this is the thing.
Your friends are your business base.
They are the people you're going to sell to.
Your family are the people you're going to sell to.
So I haven't seen Ben in a while.
I request him on Facebook.
We haven't seen each other in 10 years.
Now we're going to go out to a lunch.
I'm going to sell him the jewelry.
Listen to this.
We are now at lunch.
Where would we be having lunch?
Maybe we're at Panera, Brad.
Okay.
Hey, Ben.
Good to catch up with you.
Hey, I haven't seen you in so long, man.
It's been a very long time.
What have you been up to?
Not much, just podcasting out here, you know, just living in LA.
Where did you go?
You go back to New York?
What are you doing?
What are you up to?
Okay, none of that would happen.
Okay, so Ben, Ben is already saying things that won't happen.
That's not what's going to happen.
Here's what will happen.
I'm going to be the person sitting there.
Ben's going to be me because he can't even handle doing the part of the buyer.
That's not how people talk.
I'm in LA.
You're in New York.
No one talks like that.
This fucking elitist cunt.
Now, you're now me.
I'm the buyer.
Okay?
Hey, hey, Ben, you want to buy some jewelry?
No, you don't start like that.
You have to just say hello first.
Establish rapport, build rapport.
Hey, man, it's good to see you.
I haven't seen you in so long.
It's very good to see you.
I'm looking into creating opportunities for myself and my family.
Sometimes it's as if I don't have anywhere to turn.
Do you think, is there any potential avenue you see to me making any profit in 2020?
Even I like direct-to-market sales.
I have a great persona and personality and have a large network of family and friends that's ever expanding.
I would like to take advantage of that network and sell them things, maybe jewelry.
Do you have any ideas?
Well, have you heard of podcaster Tim Dylan's jewelry?
We sell it at a low cost, high quality.
Whoa, the jewelry is high quality, but it is low cost.
So I don't have to spend a lot of money to give my friends and family something that is very beautiful.
Is that correct?
That's correct.
Good.
Is there a seminar where I could learn about this jewelry?
I will spend up to $10,000 on this seminar.
How much is the seminar?
It's $5,000.
I am so happy.
I may take it now twice.
Is it in Arizona at the Scottsdale Marriott?
That's right.
Very good.
Well, this is a good lunch.
I don't want to waste any more time eating at Panera because I want to start booking tickets to go to the Marriott so I can sell jewelry for podcaster Tim Dylan because he's sick of comedy and everyone in it.
So he wants to just rip people off now because he's the idiot that isn't.
He's the one person who's not hitting people in the head with a shovel.
And they're mad about it.
They go, why aren't you hitting me in the head with a shovel?
My head is here and there's a shovel.
Get to work.
Goodbye, folks.
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