Live from a Holiday Inn in Maryland, Tim talks about people who don't get ahead because they live in fear, why a lot of his friends should die in war, the time he was a juror on a murder trial, and his most recent move to the hills. For weekly Bonus Episodes: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Tim Dillon Live Dates: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Please Support Our Sponsors: BlueChew! Visit www.BlueChew.com and get your first order FREE when use our special promo code TIM -- Just pay $5 s Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Prison Soap vs Holiday Inn00:03:48
Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, pops, and candy wrappers.
Mm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
So we are live here from the Maryland Holiday Inn in Timonium, Maryland, a rest stop, essentially, a truck stop where they have, it's like a woman described it to me.
She goes, it's like a rest stop that they built a town around.
That's kind of the vibe here.
I'm playing at Magoobi's Comedy Club all weekend and staying in the holiday inn.
And I figured I would release this episode.
We were going to re-release an old episode and then just stuff ads in that and something you people haven't heard.
But one of the reasons I'm not more successful is I don't have utter contempt for my fan base.
I'm trying to acquire that.
That is such an ingredient to success.
You look at the people that are really successful and they walk off stage and you can tell they're disgusted by the people that they just had to entertain.
And I don't really feel that way.
So I try to like do the right thing by you people, which will lead me down a road to poverty because like it just doesn't, it's I need to just literally bash you over the head every chance I get, rob you.
You know, if I was a tow truck guy, I would shoot your tires out and then, you know, drive by, pretend I didn't see you, be like, oh, do you have a problem here?
That's what successful people do.
So I'm learning how to do that.
I'm trying to do that.
But I'm staying in the beautiful holiday inn, which is what you think it is.
You know, towels that when you use them to wash your face, take a layer of skin off your face.
You know, so industrial soap.
Like if you've ever felt like what I would imagine prison soap feels like, I've never been to prison.
I've never really been to jail because I'm white.
I should have gone many, many times, but I have not.
But I imagine that prison soap has a feel like the holiday inn soap, where it smells like soap.
Like they've done nothing to disguise the smell of soap.
Like it's not, there's no lavender.
There's nothing in it that makes you feel, it's soap.
It's straight up old school hand soap that you would use after painting class in kindergarten in the 90s when they didn't know any better.
And they were just like, yeah, wash your hands with this.
We also wash the floor with it.
That's what holiday ins are using to, so you can wash yourself.
Just industrial strength, ammonia-laden soap.
And it's nice.
And then you look around Baltimore, you're like, should I get out of here?
Should I spend more money on a hotel?
Why?
Why?
To get shot in a better area of town?
To get shot walking to a nicer hotel?
It doesn't matter.
The area has a lot of problems.
You know, I'm not even in Baltimore.
I'm 20 minutes out, 25 minutes out in Timonium, which sounds like ammonia.
Like the name of the place sounds like a chemical that they found, like a toxic chemical that they found a company dumping in a river.
That's what it sounds like.
It's like, oh yeah, well, the babies were born with real, real issues because they were dumping tomonium in that river for so long and nobody knew.
Why We Need Heroes Now00:07:49
That's what it feels like.
And then you look at the people and you're like, yeah, that may be what it is because it's got a real interesting feel here.
What did you say, Josh?
Josh is a local comic.
He's helping me record this podcast.
What did you say another comic said about these people?
We won't say who the comic is, but...
He said, he's like, I feel like I'm performing for people that work at Home Depot.
And I was like, no, no, you're performing for people that aspire to work at Home Depot.
Yeah, this is.
I would love to have that orange apron and be like, yeah, I did it.
It's a rough road out here.
It just seems to be, you know, because they're kind of well outside the realm of that defense industrial complex money.
They want that, you know, when I performed at the Bethesda, Maryland Country Club for, you know, people that were literally dripping in blood.
It was a very different vibe.
You know, when you drove through Bethesda, Maryland, you're driving, you're looking at these beautiful English Tudor style homes, these brick castles, stone castles set back far from the road.
Really nice.
And then, and you're like, oh, this is all built with blood money.
All of it, you know?
But this area, you're like, man, this could use some blood money.
This could really use something.
Like these people were disappointed when they couldn't go to Iran.
I think half of these people were excited as fuck about the draft.
They were like, I'm psyched.
I get to go to Tehran and maybe get killed.
Fuck yeah.
Durant's pretty nice.
Yeah, they were so happy.
And then we averted war and they were so upset and they're just sitting there like, fuck.
I was so close.
So many of my friends, nobody really wants to admit this.
We need like six wars right now.
With the amount of people we have selling CBD oil, we need war, a lot of war.
And I mean, this is unpopular to say.
People won't like this.
I'm against war as like in the sense that I'm principled and I don't want people to die.
However.
However, let's look at the numbers.
We got to get rid of the, a few of my friends need to go to the desert and get shot.
That's the way it is.
And that's an uncomfortable thing to say, especially to them.
And I've said this to them when they've asked me for advice.
I'm like, the reality is you need to get shot in the desert because so many people that I know, the best version of them is a flag on a mantle.
Like they're just dead and they can inspire future generations of people.
I remember going over to my grandfather's house.
They just point to a flag on the mantle and go, Uncle Gerard gave it all.
And as a little kid, you just kind of remember that.
It makes an impact on you.
It's so, I mean, now we're going to be like, Uncle Gerard sells CBD.
It's much better that he's a hero.
Who knows what he did there?
Probably committed rampant sexual assault and then fucking got killed in friendly fire.
But it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter that he killed himself or his friend shot him in the night.
Who knows?
Yeah, you still get a flag.
You still inspire generations of people that are, and that's the thing that nobody wants to talk about.
Nobody wants to admit that we need a war.
We need a war or we need to shave some numbers off.
We've got too many people wandering around that really have no clue as to what they're going to do.
And there's people listening to this show right now that say, I'm one of those people.
And the reality is I'm saying to you very nicely and very reasonably, the best thing you can do, the best thing you can do for your friends and your family is go get killed in Iraq or Afghanistan or Iran.
Don't go, by the way, don't go and then come back with PTSD and get a pit bull and be homeless instead of a 10.
That I'm supposed to contribute to you.
I don't want that either.
We're not looking for that.
What we're looking for is you got to go and you got to not come back.
That's the reality.
A lot of my friends, you have to go and not come back.
Well, you come back as a flag.
That's what you do.
That's what you come back as.
You come back as a flag.
You come back as somebody that's, you know, or you just come back and you're happy and it's fine.
I'm not trying to deal with people that are like scarred.
My friend was a Marine.
He went there.
He probably killed a bunch of people and he's really a nice guy.
He's fine and he's a cool dude.
And I'm not into the flashbacks and the like dark persona.
And I'm not saying it's not needed, but just it is what it is.
You know what we're doing over there.
There's nobody that should join the military now and shocked about what it really is.
You know what it really is.
You know, you're not handing out candy to the townspeople.
It is what it is.
You're putting a gun in a toddler's face and saying, where's daddy?
You know what it is.
And if you're going to do that, no hate from me.
But just don't come back all shocked with PTSD because it wasn't what you thought.
You thought you were going to be helping people in Iraq find your lost dogs.
I'm just picturing you as a recruiter, like an army recruiter in a high school, just yelling at 17-year-olds.
I'd recruit a lot more people because I'd be honest.
I'd be like, who wants to shoot up this school?
Do you want to shoot?
Form a line.
How about we just put you, keep that thought, hold that thought, get on a plane.
You know where else there's schools.
We're going to put you on a plane and we're just going to have you shoot up other schools.
There's bullies there too.
They won't like you either.
See, I like that.
You're taking their talents and then guiding it somewhere else.
Yeah, I mean, listen, at the end of the day, I know that there's a lot of heroic people in the military that are great people that are doing something that I do not have the balls to do.
And that's great.
But then there's also a lot of my personal friends that need to get killed and are living in safe areas and they're never going to be killed.
And because they live in the suburbs, they're never going to be caught in the crossfire of a bad drug deal for the most part, at least not for a few years till things really start heating up out there.
But for right now, it's just bacon, egg, and cheeses and nothing.
So what they need is to be heroes.
All of my friends need to be heroes.
That's all.
And who's to say what a hero is?
I mean, you know, one guy's hero is another person's.
You literally shot my baby.
So I don't, I'm not saying what it is.
I just know that if you're joining the military now, they understand what it is.
Right.
And a lot of it is good.
Listen, we've done a lot of great things with the military.
We've done a lot of not so great things.
I don't know which one of them you're going to do.
And neither do you.
That's the fun of it.
You don't really know which end you're going to be on.
You could get there and go, well, this doesn't seem great, but you're in now and it is what it is.
You know, I thought comedy was going to be different.
It ain't.
It's not.
But, you know, it's not like PTSD where I'm like being like, fuck, I thought it was going to be, you know, I'm, you know, I'm not going to hang myself.
I'm not going to, you know, yet.
And if I do, I'll do it quietly, you know?
Yeah.
And I do think we should provide better mental health care for the soldiers that come back.
But I also think a way to avoid some of it is to be very honest about kind of what it might be.
Like we might be like, you might be helping people and killing terrorists.
You also might be the terrorist.
Waiting to Die in the Hills00:08:55
We don't know yet.
We don't know which mission you're going to be on.
We don't, we don't know.
Kind of makes it fun.
You choose your own adventure.
What makes it fun?
So just understand.
The larger point here is that so many people in this country need to be heroes.
And we need to give them away for them to be heroes.
And if they continue along their path of not getting shot in a foreign country, it will help no one.
So that's just my point.
So I'm telling all of my friends, maybe it's time to enlist.
I don't know.
Maybe it's not.
But at the end of the day, it's something to think, hey, it's something to think about.
I just moved.
I just moved.
I got a new apartment.
I'm in the Hollywood Hills, but I'm not up in the Hills Hills.
I'm on like a hill on the way to the Hills.
And it's nice.
It's fine.
And the parking situation is very, very bad there.
And they tow.
I don't know if you guys have ever been in an area where they tow people all the time.
They just tow.
And the reason I think that they tow people all the time on this block is because this is a block of predominantly apartments.
And people that live in apartments and specifically nice apartments like condos or as they call them on my block, villas.
They're certainly not villas, but they call them villas.
What a rebrand.
People that live in villas are rats.
Like they'll pick up the phone and call the people that live in big estates and mansions don't, they're not paying attention.
They're barely home.
They're relying on their staff to really inform on the poor fuck who parked his car where he shouldn't have.
But people in a pretend villa or a high-end apartment that they can't afford a house and maybe they don't have it because they don't have any children and they're just angry.
They're angry because they're above the people that don't have the money to live in the villa, but they're far below the people who live in an actual home with an actual family and have an.
So these people pick up the phone every chance they get to call the management company or the police.
They are rats.
This is, they're just angry.
They'll do it.
And I could see them.
They look through their little windows with their beady eyes, their own little near-do-wells.
And they, you know, they probably, you know, they make a decent income compared to fucking Timonium.
But compared to LA, they're constantly in the shadow of real wealth and it makes them angry.
Literally in the shadow.
Literally in the shadow.
There's houses on the hills that literally just look down on them.
People in Maseratis cutting them off every day.
15-year-olds with YouTube channels grossing more money than they'll see in their life.
Hot chicks just walking around taking selfies, selling their pussy on the street for millions of dollars.
And these people in villas, these stupid little villas just waiting to call the cops on somebody because it's 7.01 and it's time to tow this fucking car.
And I'm sure they look out their window and enjoy it.
They enjoy it.
They enjoy watching it get towed.
They like it.
They like rules.
Is that their only ownership?
They're just like, that's my parking lot at the villa.
Yeah, I think they just are in love with rules because the middle, like people that get to the villa level in life are rule followers for the most part, you know?
Unless they started at zero.
And then, you know, the apartment villa level is like, whoa, good for you.
Like if you start in a closet getting burned by cigarettes by your foster mother.
You want to be in the villa.
And then you're passed around, all the uncles.
And then getting to the villa is a fucking good for you.
But a lot of people that get to the villa level, and I don't mean real villa.
Talking about fake apartment villa, you know, mustard yellow stucco, like whatever.
Like you know, those people are rule followers.
They went to, they played by all the rules and they got nothing.
And you can hear it.
You'll hear it when you talk to them.
There's an anger under their voice.
There's a biting anger because they went, they got the good grades and they got into the good school and they maybe even went to grad school and they got the internship and they did the right thing and they just forgot that they weren't particularly talented and they didn't particularly matter at all.
They weren't unique and they didn't have any perspective or point of view that was interesting or important and they couldn't think outside the box or they didn't bring anything special to whatever institution they were working in and they just basically died on the vine.
They were a person, they were a paper pusher, they were just sitting there.
Everything was about health insurance.
I just need to get the right health insurance because they were always googling diseases.
They didn't have waiting to die.
Open season is in november.
This is a certain type.
Yeah, this is a certain type of person that's just waiting to die.
They're waiting to get a terminal illness their entire life.
And I just google and google and every job they take is about what health plan will help when I finally get this thing.
I'm convinced I have, because I have a headache sometimes tuesday mornings and this is.
I have aunts like this.
I know people like this and they're not bad people, but they're careful people.
They've had rules beaten into their head since they were a little kid.
And then you meet really successful people and they don't give a fuck about the rules and you wonder you're like oh, there's maybe a correlation here that really successful people a lot of times take now sometimes yes, it's because they were born rich and they have a lot of money and it's easy to not care about the rules when your fucking dad owns fucking.
You know paramount, I get that.
But then you meet a lot of people that were successful and got successful by not giving a fuck, that went on the outside, that didn't care, that weren't living every day like they were going to die tomorrow.
Don't prepare for your own death.
I know that many people out there like, fetishize that.
They love it.
They love it.
They love telling you stories about people who are fucked and they're like, car accident, lost everything, medical debt.
You know my aunt will do that, she'll go, never gonna walk again.
Medical debt, medical debt, bankruptcy.
And then like invariably, you know, sometimes i'll meet some of these people from my town that like, are being talked about and they're fine.
They're like yeah, I declared bankruptcy, i'm fine like, but it's just this horror story that keeps everyone in line.
You know, and my aunt would do that she would be a collection of tales, depressing stories, depressing stories that were supposed to teach you to follow the fucking rules and if you didn't, somebody somewhere was going to kill you, you were going to die or you were going to live in agony and pain if you didn't follow the fucking rules.
That car is supposed to be out of here at 7 p.m and it's just like.
These are the rule followers and And the rule followers are, they're shocked that they don't get further because they've done all the things that they should do.
They've checked all the boxes.
They've dotted the I's.
They've crossed the T's.
And in that process, they've forgotten to bring anything new or particularly valuable to the table.
They just don't.
Just status quo through and through.
Status quo.
They're doing the job that a lot of other people can do.
They'll even tell you this sometimes.
They'll pride themselves on it like it's a mark of achievement.
That they're like, a lot of people can do this job and I'm doing it.
It's like, well, no, that's not the move, is it?
But they love rules and that's why they love school.
They love college and they love healthcare.
They love having health care and they love that.
And they're like, other people don't.
They're just like, I'm just waiting to die.
They're like, I'm just waiting to get in this car and have a semi wipe me off the fuck because I, meanwhile, healthcare doesn't even cover that, by the way.
If you do get any of those things, they won't even cover it.
So it's kind of, I mean, the healthcare industry is like, it's organized crime.
Like, no matter what kind of healthcare you have, you're probably fucked if something really horrendous happens.
But these are the same people that live in the little villas.
They live in the apartments and they peer out and they, and they're like, move the fucking, you know, thing.
Yeah, you see that Toyota Prius at 701 and you're like, no, that's cancer.
You must know some of these people because you work in the social security office.
Rational Fear and Control Issues00:15:37
Absolutely.
The shit that people care about is insane.
Right.
You know, where it's like, I don't know.
Like, you know, we can park.
There's a reserve parking lot and that's for people that are grades GS14 and above.
But after 2 p.m., you're allowed to park there.
I'm like, who cares?
Right.
Park wherever.
You're walking to work either way.
These are people that need cancer.
Like they need the best thing to happen to them to shit their liver out, like to give them some perspective on like, how much of life for these people is figuring out parking?
They're on planet Earth for a certain amount of time.
So much of life for people is figuring out, did I get my parking validated?
Am I in the right slip?
Am I, and careful, rule-following people just are, and God love them.
You need them, but they're, they're always kind of surprised that they didn't go further in life.
Right.
Especially when they see somebody that didn't go by the rules gets further.
Like, what?
You know?
Yeah, they're shocked.
They're shocked.
They're shocked that somebody that went on the outside of the system figured out a way to crash land into something successful.
You know?
And I think a lot of it has to do with how you're raised.
And because I was raised by boomer parents who took, they took the 18 years of raising me.
They took off.
They took a vacation for raising their children, as most boomer parents did.
I mean, they were there, but they weren't there.
They were, and I get a lot of flack from this from older people that message me and hey, hey, fuck off.
But the boomer generation, in a lot of cases, was a generation driven by self-interest, greed, self-actualization, not in any real way, by the way, just constantly trying to please themselves at the expense of their children.
They didn't really care about their kids.
This isn't like a new thing.
I'm not saying it.
It was a generation of fast food, stuffing food in your kids' face, you know, giving them activities to do so you didn't have to raise them.
You're in dance.
You're at sports.
You're here.
Hey, go get molested at this camp.
I got to go and have dinner with Aunt Sue.
Go get molested and don't bother me.
I'm going to dinner with Sue.
It was a group of people that, for the most part, it was about them.
Their children were about them.
Yes.
And so, and, you know, the food you ate when you grew up was poison.
I mean, McDonald's at two.
You were being poisoned from the jump with these.
And then I think subsequent generations maybe overcorrected to now where they, the helicopter parent and like the kid, but it's better.
That's better than the alternative.
Right.
Like my dad and mom were like, yeah, you should go to college.
But that was their end.
That was the end of their commitment to it, just suggesting it.
They, they lightly suggested it a few times.
Like, yeah, you should probably go to college.
Now there are parents that they start in middle school and during high school, they're taking their kids on college trips and they're going to see colleges together and they're really taking an interest in their children.
My fucking parents were like, yeah, you should go to college.
I never went and I regret it.
You should go.
Yeah, it's not like, here's how you do it.
We're going to help you apply.
Here's your extracurricular activities.
This is a great story about my father.
I was standing on the school bus stop up the block from my house on the corner.
There were two schools in my town right before I got on the bus.
I was a little kid.
It was my first day of school.
I was somewhat nervous.
I said, Dad, which school am I going to?
He goes, oh, I don't know.
Get on the bus.
You know, who knows?
If somebody did that today, they would be arrested.
Right.
Who knows?
Hey, get on the bus.
What do you want from me?
I'm only your guardian.
I'm only your father guardian.
And I know there's two options, and I should know which one the little kids go to and which one the bigger kids go to, but I don't have the time for that.
So why don't you just get on this fucking bus, which, by the way, could have been taking me to Epstein's eye?
Like nobody knew where that bus was going.
He didn't even know if it was to the school I was supposed to go to.
He's like, just get on the bus and figure it out, son.
Yeah, Jesus.
You know, what's the worst thing that happens?
You get sold into sex slavery and we never see you again.
And we have to fucking have a nice charity dinner and get a bunch of money?
Hey.
Is that what we got to do?
Is this what's going on here?
But, you know, and then you look at like certain really successful people when the kid's in the womb, they're planning the school that that kid's going to.
Right.
Right.
You're like, they're like, oh, I know the kindergarten that this kid's going to go to while this kid is in my womb.
It's just a different level of commitment.
That's why I love my parents.
I actually thought about this the other day because I'm, you know, last night I was here and, you know, there weren't a lot of older people, which is nice, but sometimes you go into like local scenes and there's older.
And I love older people.
But here's what I don't love is older people that think they have a shot in comedy.
Oh, whoa.
That is the proudest I have ever been of my dad.
My dad was a musician when I was younger and he was good.
He was like, you know, he played guitar.
He sang.
He wrote songs.
He had a band.
He traveled around.
But when I was born, he had to get serious.
By the way, like many comics don't.
They just say, oh, well, we'll raise the kids in squalor.
But he got a job.
He got a job.
And instead of not making money at being a musician, he got a job and he didn't make money at that.
He was just a bad salesperson, which I appreciate because at least you have the optics of trying.
Sure.
And he gave it a shot.
And I had food and everything like that.
Clearly.
Multiple and I didn't have emotional, you know, but I had the food.
We had Wendy's when we wanted, you know.
There was some type of school bus taking you somewhere.
Yeah.
I was on a bus going somewhere.
I had a Monterey Ranch chicken sandwich from Wendy's.
You were in there, no big deal.
Everything was fine.
But one of the proudest moments I've ever been at my dad was when he said to me, he started to play music again in like the local scene in Long Island where he lives.
And he did this.
Maybe this was like four years ago.
And he said to me, he goes, I was playing out.
I was going around doing these open mics.
And then he goes, some of the younger guys were like, you're really fucking good.
You should do this gig with us like upstate.
And he goes.
Okay.
And it was like a few hours away from his house.
And he goes, yeah, I just, I took a ride with them.
We did this gig.
And then they were like, you're so good.
We're planning like this little tour.
And then he said, he goes, what am I insane?
He's like, I'm in my fucking mid-60s.
I need to go to go back.
And I was never more proud of him than when he said this.
He goes, I need to go home and watch television with my wife.
And I was so proud of him.
So proud of him.
And I speak for all of us.
If you're an older person and you're following your dream, stop.
Literally, if you were an older person and you are indulging a passion or following a dream, please, for the love of God, stop it because it's over.
And it's not the move.
It's not the course.
I was so proud of my dad when he's like, what the fuck do I think is going to happen?
Good for him.
What do I think is going to fucking happen?
I'm going to go be on the voice.
Can you imagine him telling his wife, like, I'm going to be out of town for the next couple of weeks?
Me and the boys are hitting the road.
Me and the boys are hitting the road.
We think we're going to do it this time.
I'm 67.
It's time to get serious.
It's time to really buckle down.
It's like, listen, guys, he had that time.
He played the music.
It was great.
He probably fucked some chicks that were, you know, good looking or whatever.
Whatever, whatever you get out of that.
You know what I mean?
You certainly don't get a windfall of money.
No.
But at least it was good.
And at the end of the day, you got to realize that like everybody's like, but Rodney Danger, stop it.
Stop it.
No, no, no.
Stop using that one example.
I'm not saying if you're like, if you're an old person, you've always wanted to do stand-up comedy.
Go give it a shot.
Go try it once.
Don't be sitting somewhere at an open mic talking to somebody about how you planned on making it.
Just cut that out.
Because there are older people.
It's guys in their 50s who are like, you know, I don't know how to play this.
Here's how to play it.
Go home.
This is how to play it.
Get in the car and go to your home.
Go to your villa and make sure people don't park past 7 p.m.
You know the thing that kept you from doing this for 30 years?
That won.
That thing won.
The fear that kept you from doing this, by the way, a very rational fear that knew you better than you did, that knew you weren't going to make it, that kept you fucking married with kids in a job.
That rational fear that keeps people alive won.
Go acquaint yourself with that fear again.
Snuggle with it.
Cuddle with it.
That fear is not meant to be conquered.
This whole thing about conquering fear has got to go.
Indulge it.
Fuck the fear.
Literally.
The fear is what loves you.
The fear is what wants you to have a home and food.
This whole thing, you got to conquer the fear.
No, no, The fear is your friend.
And that's what people don't realize.
The fear is your friend.
Like I was talking to this guy once.
He's in his mid-50s.
He's like, I was just always afraid.
Yeah, yes.
You should still be afraid.
Follow that fear.
Follow the fear back to your home.
The fear is why you have a home.
You weren't going to make it 30 years ago.
But here's what you would have done.
You would have ruined your life.
You would have been broke.
And I know that all these guys, Bill Burr and all these amazing, brilliant comedians that I have a ton of respect for, give people speeches like, follow your dream.
It's not that bad to be living on a couch.
You know, that quote that a lot of people use so they don't have to raise their children.
Yeah.
People that use that quote, they use that Bill Burke quote as a way to not raise their kids, by the way.
They're like, it's not bad living on a couch when you're third.
Hey, shut up in there.
Daddy's doing a podcast.
You know, it's by the way, you say something like that to try to inspire people, then you realize there's a lot of dirt eggs using it as an excuse to take food out of their children's mouth so that they can do new talent night where they pay to do it.
Right.
It's like, I feel, I feel, you know, listen, we all get, listen, you don't want to tell people, you don't want to ever close the door behind you.
Like, you don't want to be like, we're the last generation of people to ever do this.
Obviously, no one is saying that.
There's a lot of people that are going to far exceed my success and career and be better at it and everything, but not when you're 50.
You don't start when you're 50.
You just don't.
Also, you don't mortgage your children's future to do this.
That's immoral.
That's a bad, you're a bad person.
You're a bad person.
There's no other way around it.
You're a bad person for doing that.
And it's very, very sad when that happens.
Yeah, child protective services should come in.
Yeah.
You're at Open Mics five nights a week.
Interesting.
You can't have a child that is asking you, mommy, where are you going?
Or daddy, where are you going?
And you're going to an unpaid bar show.
It's immoral and you have to stop it.
And you're a bad person.
If you're doing that, you're not good.
I'm not saying if you have a day job and you're providing for the kids, do anything you want as a hobby.
And by the way, still, not this.
Do something else and make more money for the college fun, you fucking scal.
You're a skell.
But I'm not shitting on how you spend your free time.
Just I meet certain people and they're like, oh, I better figure it out.
I got kids.
It's like, whoa.
Yeah, you should have figured it out a long time ago.
But that's the thing.
There's this idea of like that fear is always bad and we always have to conquer it.
And I don't think so.
I think we have to lean into it and appreciate it a little bit and understand that that fear is what's the only reason that you have.
Now, obviously, people will say, well, now you're contradicting yourself because the rule followers are also motivated by fear.
Untrue.
The rule followers are actually not motivated by fear.
They're motivated by the desire to control, which is different.
Now, maybe that's motivated by fear or whatever if you unpack it.
But the rule followers are actually people that want control and they actually want to seem, they just want to be better than other people.
They want to look down on someone, even if it's someone that should just be, you should just pity.
They want to look down on some.
They look down on the guy that didn't get health insurance and then a car hit him.
They were like, well, that wasn't smart, was it?
This poor guy's laying there in a coma and they have to be like, well, well, see, you see what happens?
When you break the rules?
When you break the rules, this poor guy, he's flatlining.
You get T-boned by a bus.
Yeah.
And these people, they just want to feel a little better than him.
That's what it is.
It's not so much that rational fear because they, in their minds, they should be the king of the castle.
They don't follow.
They don't follow the rules.
They played the game.
They played the game.
So when you meet people like that, you just have to say to yourself, all right, I get what you are.
There's nothing, you know, inherently like evil about you, but I know where you are.
And I know that you're going to call the police if this car is here at 7.05 because that's what you're built to do.
You're built to do that because you believe if you rat on the guy that parked his car in the wrong spot, then that means that everything is right with the world.
You're above them.
You're above them and that you're going to move up the ladder because you think that's how people move up the ladder by being rats, by being rats and informants.
And these are the first people, by the way, that in a tyrannical government would inform on their neighbors and get them dragged away to a re-education camp.
These are the first people.
They're in Nazi Germany.
These are the first people.
They're the first people to dime on their friends and family and have them dragged away.
It's just who they are.
But that's different than rational fear.
Rational fear has got to be leaned into.
Because rational fear, even if you decide to do something outside of the box, rational fear makes you work hard.
I'm afraid.
I'm doing a podcast right now in a hotel room in Timonium, Maryland, because I don't want to re-release an old podcast because I have respect for my fan base.
Because I fear that if I don't do things all the time that are funny or interesting or good, people will tell me to go fuck myself as they should, as they should, you know?
But there are people that just have, you know, no fear at all.
And those are the people that seem insane because children have no fear.
Children are insane if you speak to them.
They believe things that aren't true.
They believe in Santa Claus.
Children are, they're insane.
Becoming an Adult Without Guns00:05:41
And if you don't become an adult, like I had somebody last night ask me, sweet woman, but she goes, how do I become a feature?
And it's like, there is no answer that I can give you.
There is no answer that I can give you.
There are no answers to those questions because you either are going to become a feature, which doesn't matter if you're a featuring friend.
No one cares.
But you're either going to become that or you're not going to become that.
And it's either going to take you two years or five years or no years.
And I have nothing to say about it.
And it doesn't, it not doesn't make me a dick.
Doesn't make I'm not, there's no secret I can share with you that I'm not.
There's no investment advice I can give you.
What about investment advice?
That's what it, whenever like a comedian asks like somebody for not specific advice about a situation, which I do all the time to people like Rogan, people that I respect, I'm like, what should I do here?
But like very vague general advice.
Like, hey, how do I sell tickets?
How do I get people to like me?
I want a headline.
Yeah, I want to be a headliner.
How do I be a headline?
How do I make a million dollars?
Hey, how do I make a million dollars?
How do I do that?
How do I make $1 million?
It's like, I don't know, man, but I feel like if I gave you the advice that I really want to give you, it would involve you getting a gun.
It would involve you purchasing a weapon to probably using yourself.
Because there are some people in comedy that you meet and you go, if you got it together, you wouldn't do this.
Like, if I could tell you the skills that you needed to get better at this, you would actually, if you were the type of person who would succeed at this, you wouldn't do it.
And that's the crazy thing.
And that's what people don't want to hear.
Like, if you had any of the dedication or self-awareness or talent or whatever that was needed, you'd be on the outside doing fine.
Yeah, you would take that drive and channel it somewhere else.
Yeah, you'd be doing something.
It's a rare group of people that can fucking like, and I'm one of them that just fucking hit the wall everywhere else and come into this.
And they're like, okay, so I can figure out how to maneuver and navigate.
And I can work hard and I can be dedicated and I can do what I need to do.
But there's a lot of people that if they had those skills, they would never have done this in the first place.
There's a lot of people here that just want to get high.
They want to get high and go out with their buddies and that's fine too.
But then you can't ask why you're not, you know, why you're not doing well.
Why you're not doing well.
Should I get fucked up more?
Yeah, I don't know.
Go watch a Gary Van Mierchak, maybe.
Pick a motivational speaker to fill you with nothing.
Yeah.
You know, pick somebody to tell you why you're not whole.
Do you think what you're missing?
Do you think that's why he's so big?
Because it is general advice.
Like for a question, like, how come I'm not better?
It's like, because you got to be better.
You're like, right.
You got to be better.
Because he, the hard truth of what it is, and that he can't tell people.
And I understand why, by the way, I don't hate him.
Like, when I'd make fun of him, it's because he does ridiculous things.
Yes.
They're funny.
But I don't, like, I have no hatred for him.
I don't, I don't think he's ruining the world or anything.
I think if you, like, dude, if you think the Long Island medium is talking to your daughter, you deserve to get your money stolen.
Right.
They're hustlers.
You deserve to get your money taken.
If you're in the back of an Italian restaurant in Long Island and you've paid $300 to sit there with a bunch of other meatballs and this woman walks out and she pretends like she's talking to your daughter, Nicole, who died in a boating accident, and you believe that and it makes you feel better or whatever.
This is a transactional thing.
You know, you know, or maybe you don't know, but I know that you should get robbed.
You should have your money taken from you because it'll just go to something else stupid.
Right.
You're not going to invest in the next thing that becomes Uber.
It's just going to go to a fad diet or some no cash down real estate scam.
Or some of you would buy that Miracle Spring water that idiot sells at 2 a.m.
Like there's nothing that you people won't.
My mother took money and bought beanie babies at McDonald's and tried to retire on them by collecting them.
Would her money have been any worse giving it to Gary Vanyachuk or the Long Island Medium?
No.
And had my mother flip those beanie babies in a reasonable amount of time, we'd have a little bit more money.
But she waited too long.
She kept waiting for like, well, one day they'll be the price of diamonds.
It's like, no, they're not.
No, it's people are going to be like, who gives a fuck?
They'll be the price of moon rocks eventually.
I'm like, no, this isn't a currency that continues to appreciate.
Just get rid of them now.
Unload them now for the love of God.
You know, after 9-11, it seemed a little weird to be playing with beanie babies.
No one really cared, you know?
Yeah, we have to come together as a country.
Remember the Princess Diana Bear?
How fucking dark that was?
Here's the Princess Diana Bear.
My mother had that.
That was like the big, one of the big beanie babies was the commemorative Princess Diana beanie baby.
Want to talk about dark, you know?
Very dark.
But the whole fucking whole thing is like, yeah, would her money have been better spent with the Long Island Medium or Gary or any of these hucksters?
Entrepreneurs Who Hate Business00:07:20
Sure.
So what Gary is unable to tell people, what he's unable to tell people because it's not a terribly inspirational message, is you have to look at people and go, the majority of you are not going to derive any pleasure from what you do, from your job.
It's just not, it's not going to happen.
That's not the way the world is set up.
It's not the way the world is set up for you to, I'm not saying you have to be miserable.
I'm not saying you have to hate what you do.
You shouldn't.
But the idea that you're going to be your own boss and it's going to be interesting and exhilarating and exciting.
And you're going to wake up Monday and you're like, I love it.
It's Monday.
I'm so excited.
It's Monday.
Let's get it.
Let's get it.
Hustle.
It's not going to fucking happen.
And if you're looking for that, get ready for whatever comes with that, which is hard drinking or whatever, or you're watching spikes get driven through people's hands on the dark web to come.
Let's get it.
Whatever it is, like understand that what makes most people happy is their family, their friends, their community hobbies, which we've gotten rid of.
Nobody has hobbies anymore.
Like people just everything they do, they're trying to monetize.
Like the things that are going to make you happy are not.
Now, there's a specific group of people that are going to be entrepreneurs.
I'm not an entrepreneur.
I'm a comedian that has to do it on my own who's learning about business.
I'm not an entrepreneur.
I don't get off on the numbers, the business.
I don't get up every day and I'm like, I just, where does a business happen?
What are my analytics?
We got to grow.
Like, I don't think I like to perform and make funny shit.
And then you have to figure out how to have a career doing that.
But I don't get hard at the fucking business.
Like, there are a group of people that just do.
They're into it.
You know, entrepreneurs, there's a certain group of people that are going to go that direction and be great at it.
And whether they know who Gary Vee is or not, Gary Vee's not making the difference between you having a business or not.
None of these people are.
None of these Ty Lopez, any of these people don't decide whether you have a business or not.
They can tell their 10-point plan, the videos they sent, none of it is going to, you're either a person who wants to work, if you're out on a Saturday night and everybody else is getting drunk around you and having fun and hanging out and you want to be working, which I never did.
I was very fine to be drunk.
And I wanted to tell stories and have people laugh at me.
But if you want to be building a business while everyone else is getting fucked up, then you know, okay, maybe I'm one of these people.
If you're at the beach and you're like getting antsy and you're like, you know, I'd rather not be here.
I want to be in an office right now figuring out how to make money.
I don't want to be at the beach.
I'm getting antsy.
I don't want to be in a backyard with my friends having fun.
I'm done with that.
I did that, enough of it.
And by the way, that was what I felt like when I was 25 and I got into comedy.
I was like, I've done, I've been in enough backyards and I've been hammered enough.
I've gotten drunk enough.
I've been to enough bars.
I've gone out to dinner enough.
I got to do something else now.
Otherwise, I'm going to have a completely wasted fucking life.
But that was because I had that internal realization.
It wasn't because I watched Ty Lopez tell me, and then I fucking spent three grand on his 10-point plan.
And he was like, and here's my Ferrari.
Do you want a Ferrari?
No, you fucking...
So it doesn't mean that you're not suited for that, but there's a lot of people like I have friends that aren't suited.
My friends are right now want to be in it, and they think I'm crazy.
And they're probably not wrong.
They're not wrong.
It is insane.
The people that are like, what do you do?
Just have fun.
Like, I have friends that are on a beach right now that I spoke to that are on a business that are like, who care, that are not trying to light the world on fire at all.
They're not trying.
Like, they just want to enjoy their fucking life.
That's what people should aspire to is like enjoy.
But then there's people that are not, I'm not built to like enjoy life.
Some people aren't built to enjoy life.
We're built to like, to do things that are good or great or whatever.
We want to be great at something.
So if you want to be great at something, the baseline will not be enjoyment.
It's just not going to be.
It's going to be fulfillment and you'll never be fulfilled.
Very long term.
It's very long term and it's a different set of qualifiers.
The whole thing is different, right?
I have friends that just want to enjoy, and that's great.
Because as long as they have like a coconut shrimp in their mouth and a shot of rum and somebody's banging a steel drum and they don't have to work the next day and they're on some beat, they're good.
And, you know, but Gary Vanierchuk can't tell people, he can't walk out and go, guys, here's your biggest issue.
You're built to enjoy life.
That's why you're not succeeding in the way that you want.
Because when you're around other people and they love you, that's enough.
It can't be enough, guys.
It wasn't enough for a lot of Carnegie Rockefeller.
It wasn't enough for any of those people.
It's not enough for me.
If Gary Vanierchuk said, it's not enough for me.
The love of my wife and kid doesn't get me off enough.
I need more.
But that's the honest, what it is.
And there's nothing wrong.
I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
You need the guy that needs more because civilization has to go forward.
My friends aren't driving civilization forward.
No.
They're driving illegally a car and they're hammered.
And they shouldn't even be driving a car.
But they're certainly not driving civilization forward.
It's just what it is, you know?
Right, right.
And you're just either that person or you're not.
This whole idea that you're going to like flip and switch and like, oh, you turn over newly.
It's like.
Yeah, that every person innately has that in them.
I was always an entertainer and I found a way to be an entertainer since I was a little kid.
Right.
I'm not a business person.
I'm not an entrepreneur.
I'm not a deal maker.
I'm not a hustler.
I'm not a grinder.
I'm very happy.
Like I am now.
I work very hard at what I do now.
But I'm very happy to not hustle.
Like I fight my own nature.
Now, why I'm able to hustle is because I genuinely enjoy making people laugh and I like making stupid shit and having fun, right?
I like doing this.
And even the parts of it I don't like, I can get through to get to the parts of it that I like.
I do like, yeah.
But by no stretch of the imagination, am I like some fucking.
So you got to be honest about what your nature is.
I'm not like a business person.
I would never, like, let's say I make a lot of money at this.
I'm making decent money now.
I would never call myself a business person.
I've seen your hotel room.
You're doing great.
I mean, yeah, this is the holiday anatomium, but there's no, in my head, there's no like, oh, I'm a business guy.
The Bachelor Podcast Producer00:06:41
Yeah.
I'm a CEO.
I'm a Titan.
I know comics that are like that.
Good for them.
I'm a boss.
I'm a boss.
I'm the boss.
I have no, I don't want to be.
I don't care.
I don't want to be.
I don't want people working for me.
I mean, I want people that are working for me that like enjoy what we're doing.
But none of it's like me being like, oh, you better fuck it.
Like, that doesn't come naturally to me.
I'm a loner.
I want to be alone.
I want to breeze through the country doing comedy clubs.
I don't care.
I don't want to be in a writer's room.
I don't want to like, I don't have, I don't, I would love to having a show on TV or I'd love doing something like that.
But like the idea of being in like a structure and being like, I work for you.
Like, I don't care.
All that corporate shit.
It just doesn't matter.
It doesn't mean that it is like the wrong way to go.
It's just for me, I don't, none of it matters.
Hey, everybody, The Bachelor kicked off this week on ABC and everyone's very excited.
And you know me, I've never said a bad word about The Bachelor.
I think it's great.
And I think we should spend more time not only watching it, but discussing it.
If you watch ABC's The Bachelor, you should be listening to a companion podcast.
It's what's done.
You're not getting the most out of the show otherwise.
The problem is most of the companion shows are absolute shit.
The one you should be listening to is called Another Bachelor Podcast.
That's the name, Another Bachelor Podcast.
These guys are fucking hilarious.
There are three cis white males with a lot of perspective on what girls are going through.
One of the hosts, Nick, really funny story.
He's from La Crosse, Wisconsin, which, funny enough, is where the smiley face killer did a good amount of work, but sadly not to Nick.
That's why he's producing podcasts.
But it would be much better if he was at the bottom of a lake.
Anyway, Nick was raised by his grandmother.
Both of his parents were diagnosed schizophrenics, which is a bad roll of the dice, but he's a good kid.
If Nick was a schizophrenic, he'd be funnier.
Anyway, I'm kidding.
I like Nick.
I met Nick once.
Another guy on there, Dylan, really funny Jewish from Studio City.
Mom's from Queens.
Dad's a Trump-loving Vietnam vet from the backwoods of Virginia.
By the way, all they're doing with this ad is describing how much better their parents' podcast would be.
Give me the Trump-loving Vietnam vet and the schizos.
A child of divorce to state the obvious.
And then there's a producer, Pat, from Lumberg, Massachusetts, a heroin-ravaged land.
He was raised by his mother and stepfather, Jimmy Dell, who he has a contentious relationship with.
Pat's 50 and he dyes his hair often.
Every week, these guys take the piss out of one of the best shows on television, The Bachelor.
Take out the latest episode, Breaking Down the Limo Exits and Shocking Return of Hannah Brown.
Subscribe to another Bachelor podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you listen to podcasts and get ready to laugh your dick off.
Nick produces this past weekend with Theo Vaughn.
Nick is a good guy.
Nick has bought ads on the show, so we're plugging his bachelor podcast.
I have not listened to the podcast, but I'm going to.
And Nick is like funny when you talk to him.
So it's probably not the worst bet.
Like if you listen to The Bachelor, it's not the worst.
You know what I mean?
Like, so if you, if you live, if you watch The Bachelor religiously and like people like these Bachelor companion podcasts, I don't know why.
I think it's because the empire is over and we're beginning our transition to AI and humanity as a race has failed and we're just sucking up the last little bit of resources on the planet before a stronger, more durable intelligence comes and takes us over.
That's what I believe is happening.
So I believe that in this weird interim time, The Bachelor is like fun.
You know, it's like a fun way to kind of just like circle the drain of humanity, you know?
So they're doing this bachelor kickoff podcast.
And I guess it's really good.
You know, Nick's from La Crosse, Wisconsin.
He's a podcast producer and he's got his buddies with him.
He's got Dylan.
Why do they put in that he's Jewish?
Really funny Jewish from Studio City.
What's that about?
Mom's from Queens.
Dad's a Trump-loving Vietnam vet.
So that's why they, so that's why they're giving you the backstory, guys.
So it's not only that they're talking about The Bachelor, their comedic perspectives are informed by these very interesting lives.
Like Nick's, both of his parents were schizophrenics, and he was raised by his grandma.
So that makes him hilarious.
And then Pat's mom's from Queens, or not Pat, I'm sorry.
Who else here?
Dylan's mother's from Queens.
So he's a fucking rip.
This guy's a rip.
His dad supports Trump, like 65% of men in the country.
But so it gives Dylan this unique perspective.
Like, what's it like to be Jewish and live in Studio City?
And then Pat is a 50-year-old who God only knows why he's doing this.
He's probably on the edge of killing himself.
Listen to the show so Pat doesn't kill himself.
He was raised by his mother and stepfather.
He's 50 and he dyed his hair off.
50 is an interesting age.
It's not an age where like this is a cute, fun thing to do.
He thinks this is going to like become a thing.
I don't know.
Hopefully Pat's independently wealthy.
I'm skeptical.
But it's another bachelor podcast and you can get it.
Let's tell you where you can get it, folks, because you know, you don't know how to fucking, you don't know where podcasts are.
How do you get a podcast nowadays?
How would I even get it if I wanted to listen?
So you can subscribe to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you listen to podcasts and get ready to laugh your dick off.
Again, it's called Another Bachelor Podcast, Another Bachelor podcast with Nick, whose parents are nuts, Dylan, who's Jewish, and Pat, who dyes his hair.
And I'll tell you right now, it's a good lineup of people.
Give it a shot.
If you're into The Bachelor, there's some women listening to my program, seven or eight.
If you, I'm kidding, there's, there's more than that.
And men, men like The Bachelor, too.
Men are idiots.
The point is this: if you watch The Bachelor, this is a good thing to check out.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
So when did you figure it out that you wanted to channel all this into comedy then?
Well, I was 25 and I was 25 and I had to bottom out first, which is another thing Gary Vee, I don't know that Gary Vee may say this to people.
I think Gary Vee does hold.
I'd love to go on his podcast and kind of talk to him about this and be like, because he would open my eyes up to some things too.
Jury Duty After Life on Earth00:11:56
And he'd be like, if, if, you know, he'd be like, if my thing only helps like 20 people, then who's to say they're not going to start Disney?
And like, I'm like, whatever.
And then I'm like, yeah, that's right.
I mean, Disney does fuck a lot of kids, but I mean, Splash Mountain's fun.
So I get it.
You know, the Mickey Waffles.
But I get what he's saying.
I had to bottom out.
I guess he does.
I think he does do this.
I think he does go on the route of like, you're not failing enough.
I think a lot of these guys do that.
Tell people they're not failing enough.
Well, that's a good way to have people buy in, too.
Like, I fail all the time.
Yeah, I'm on the right side.
It's great.
But I think what you got to tell people is just like, you kind of got to bottom out or you got to hit a wall.
And then you got, like, I hit a wall when I was 25 years old.
I hit a wall where I was drinking every night.
I was working at a job that really no longer existed.
I was trying to sell like mortgages in 2009 after the financial crisis.
Jesus.
Like post-crisis, I was trying to sell mortgage.
It's insane, right?
It made no sense.
And I was with a group of people who were, we were all sitting in an office that was decrepit and there were fruit flies and leaks from the ceiling.
And it was a windowless office in Long Island on Broadhollow Road.
And all of the mortgage guys had left.
Like it was like life after people.
Like essentially, like there was almost tumbleweeds blowing through the parking lot because all the Porsches and Maseratis and BMWs, they'd all either been repossessed or they drove them somewhere else.
You know, these people were all gone.
And it was like my friends, old Chevy, and like me with my suburban that I couldn't afford to put gas in.
And I was in a bad job and I was drinking a lot.
And then I got a summons to be a juror on a, on a, on a trial.
And I looked at the summons and I was like, okay, this might be interesting.
I knew immediately that it might be like a weirdly pivotal event.
I can't explain how.
I just looked at the thing and I'm like, this might be fucking weird.
And I got to the courthouse.
And my friend, by the way, my friend Ryan, who I love to death, was driving me to the thing.
And we both had no direct.
We were directionalists.
25 years old, Long Island directionalists, which meant we're having a great time.
We're having a great time.
Being white and directionless in Long Island is fun.
Smoking weed, boozing, eating at a corporate steakhouse, whatever we wanted.
He would steal money from his parents and just, we would go, I would steal.
Like, we were thieves.
We would just take things.
Cares.
You don't need it.
It's mine now.
And not even like we were heroin addicts.
Like he would just take $100 off the mantle and we'd go over ribeye.
His mother would be like, I left $100 on the mantle.
We'd be like, what?
No.
And I would just have whatever money that I had because I had bought a house when I was 22.
Everybody that's listened to the show knows this.
And a lot of people know this, but I had stopped making mortgage payments because not only couldn't I make them, but it didn't even make sense.
Like the house had lost 50% of its value in the last two years.
So it would be crazy to keep making them.
But so here's the deal, right?
I'm living rent-free.
So I'm not making mortgage payments.
So I'm living rent-free.
And my buddy, so we're just eating at Vince's clam bar.
Things are okay.
And I don't mean okay.
I mean, we're, our life is beating the shit out of us, but you'd never know.
You'd never know.
We just, and that's why I think I was able to do comedy because, like, for a while, when comedy's throwing dirt in your face, you have to just kind of walk around like, hey, things are good.
Things are good.
It's good.
Things are good.
How are things?
They're good.
They're good.
Oh, this dirt?
Oh, nothing.
I love dirt.
I love dirt.
I'm sleeping in a fucking, you know, in a garbage pile as it bit.
But when he dropped me off, he goes, Good luck.
It was the craziest thing because he knew I wanted to get jury duty because I'm like, I was like, I think this might be fun to do.
He's like, yeah, dude.
Because again, you have to understand what being directionless means.
We had no direction.
We didn't know where we were going.
Nobody knew which way we were going.
So like the idea of jury duty is like, this is new.
Most people dread it.
They want to get out of it.
We're like, eh, could be fun.
New experience.
Could be fun.
I show up and I see like there's news vans outside of the courthouse.
Yes.
And I'm like, this is interesting.
I thought it was going to be like some guy, like Long Island jury duty is usually like some old Jewish woman fell in a Wendy's.
She wants $150K.
Wendy's wants to give her 80 because she was drunk.
Something like that.
It's a give and take.
Something in that realm of, you know.
I get there and they're like, this is a trial for murder, torture, rape.
Immediately, I'm excited.
I'm excited immediately because you're like, this number one, cool.
Like, let's be very honest.
Cool.
It's a cool thing that someone was murdered and tortured and raped.
But by the way, they didn't get a conviction of rape.
Allegedly, right?
Allegedly.
But here's what's cool about it.
Here's what's cool about it.
Not that it happened.
Not that it happened.
What's cool about it is I get to now go undercover and figure it all out.
I'm the detective now if I get selected.
So I walked in and I found out later that I was like a defense pick, like the defense wanted me, which means they looked at me and were like, he'll understand torture.
That's literally.
Hell, he's probably done it.
I don't know.
They look at me and they're like, look at that guy's face.
He understands extenuating circumstances.
He gets that sometimes things need to be done.
And they weren't wrong.
At that point in my life, I was a 25-year-old degenerate alcoholic with a foreclosed house in Long Island.
I knew that sometimes he wanted to carve a bitch up.
I was in the closet.
I hadn't come out of the closet yet.
I was still occasionally trying to date Long Island women, like, you know, like, like that were men.
I mean, Long Island women, a certain level of Long Island Italian woman is a dude.
It's like literally a guy.
It just becomes a guy.
Like, it's like, they go from like here to like here.
And then it drops a little.
It's like, God.
But So I was like, I was, so, so I knew going in, I'm like, my license, and this is how great Long Island is.
My license is currently suspended.
It's like currently suspended.
It's been suspended like over 20 times.
I legally couldn't even drive to the court.
That's why I had my friend drop me off because I'm like, I can't get pulled over driving to the court.
So I'm a criminal who's coming in for jury duty.
To decide the fate of somebody.
To decide the fate of this guy.
And so they say to me, so I'm like, I got, number one, I can't look too eager because then they're not going to want me.
So I got let.
And by the way, this is advice to any of you that maybe want jury duty.
This is advice as to how to get it.
And only get it if it's something good, like torture.
You know?
So jury duty, you can't look too eager.
You have to roll your eyes.
You have to be like, fuck, I can't believe this, whatever.
So the prosecutor said to me, she goes, Mr. Dylan, your license has been suspended a bunch.
I'm sure you hate the police.
You don't like them.
And I said, no, I hate myself for being irresponsible, not paying those tickets.
Wow.
Boom.
Great answer.
She sits down.
The defense attorney gets up.
This lady who wore like, you know, Miss Frizzle and the Magic School bus?
She wore those outfits and crazy jewelry.
And later someone said that's to distract the jury.
And I was like, that's kind of brilliant.
Like sometimes like she's like, she just wears crazy shit to court because like they said one lawyer back old school, and you can still smoke in courtrooms, would smoke a cigar and he had a wire going so the ash never fell off.
So the jury would look at his cigar as he was smoking it down, wondering when the ash was going to fall off.
And fucking they wouldn't hear anything the other guy said.
So I was like, this is brilliant.
So maybe this bitch is doing this on purpose because she's dressed like a literal clown, right?
She gets up.
She's like, Mr. Dylan, murder, torture, rape.
How can you be impartial when you hear words like this?
And I was like, because, and she gave me a pretty easy one because she wanted me, I think, to be a juror.
But I was like, they're just words.
They're literally just words.
I have not seen one shred of evidence.
They're only words.
And I was like, words mean nothing.
And she was like, oh, and I knew when I said words mean nothing, I knew I'm like, oh, he probably threatened this bitch a million times.
And she's going to love that I said words mean nothing because the defense is going to be like, oh, great.
If he believes words mean nothing, he's going to be able to excuse all of these threats.
These verbal assaults.
All of these verbal assaults that have been documented by countless witnesses.
When you're saying this stuff, is it like having a good set?
You know, you're like, damn, I'm crushing.
Yeah, I knew I'm doing, I know I'm doing good.
And I know I need to get this, and I don't know why.
This is what Gary Vee can't tell you.
Gary Vee can't be like, wait till someone's tortured.
Get on jury, dude.
Like, this is how I had, you know, so you have these moments in life organically.
You can't plan them out.
You don't get them if Ty Lopez tells you to.
Now, I'm not saying you have to get them through a murder, torture, rape trial, but there's worse ways to do it.
And it certainly helps.
It certainly helps.
You know, and then I was, we did the whole, and when my friend picked me up, he's like, I was like, I got it, man.
He's like, I knew you would.
It was like an audition.
He's like, I knew you would.
And that trial was just his two-week, intense, week and a half, intense, like, meditation on mortality.
Like the idea that every day you were hearing about somebody whose life was taken and somebody whose life, we convicted him, life plus 50 years, no parole, because he was literally guilty.
So, I mean, really guilty.
You know, I don't really know.
I didn't listen that much, but it seemed bad.
He had weird eyes.
No, he was seriously.
I listened to everything.
I was into it.
He was so guilty.
I thought the next, I thought the next thing was going to be like, and now here's the YouTube clip of the crime.
Like, that's how bad it was.
But during this whole thing, I was like looking at the ADA, who's now like the DA or the Congress, I forget what she is now, but she was really good at her job, so good at her fucking job that, you know, you were like, this is exactly what she's meant to do.
She's meant to do this, you know?
She had a special victims unit.
And I was like, I'm not meant to sell mortgages in a strip mall in Long Island.
Like, I'm just not meant to be.
It was not a strip mall.
It was an office building, whatever.
I was like, I got to not do that.
You know, I got to figure out a way not to do that.
And I think I started comedy in, that was in the spring, that trial.
And I started comedy in the fall, late August, late August.
And I had one more summer of drinking in me.
I had one more summer, still didn't get it.
Had to like, my friend's father and me had to get in two boating accidents that summer.
I mean, I still was being beaten in my head.
But by the time, by the time that summer.
Right.
The rape trial wasn't enough.
Running From Being a Loser00:02:34
Yeah.
I mean, this guy was a cool guy.
He was so cool.
When you get into two boating accidents with someone, they're fun.
To get back on a boat with someone you got into an accident with means they're fun.
But at the end of that, I was like, okay, it's time to change because sometimes you just got to get something out of your system.
You got to get being a loser out of your system.
And being a loser is fun.
No one will admit that being a loser has its benefits.
And actually starting to not be a loser can suck.
And then you have to worry about like, oh, God, now I got to stay not a loser.
Right.
Obviously, you don't want to be a loser, but like, and then people, people would look back and be like, oh, you were never a lose.
I'm like, yeah, I was.
I was an absolute, like I had lost everything.
And I was like, I was the definition of loser.
But sometimes you just got to get that shit out of your system before you can go.
And unfortunately, sometimes that kills you.
Right.
Sometimes that kills you.
Sometimes the things you have to do to get being a loser out of your system kill you.
So it's unfortunate.
And then sometimes you'll never get being a loser out of your system, which is why you need to get killed in Iran.
You need to get shot in Iran.
Sometimes it will never work.
You're never going to see the light.
So you just need to go to Iran and get shot.
And it's not, it says nothing negative about you.
It's just an observation I have from 30,000 feet looking at your life.
And I'm going, you need to be a flag on a mantle that someone points to.
That is your moment.
That's your pivot.
And they point to it with pride.
I would give Gary Vee all of my money if he started his next lecture by grabbing the mic and going, half of you in this room need to be in Iran getting shot at right now.
You need to be getting shot at in Tehran right now.
And 10% of you should have your own company.
All right.
Thank you guys for listening.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you for coming on.
Yeah, dude.
Thanks for having me.
You're the best, Josh.
Plug your social media.
If anyone's around Baltimore, do you run a show or does Umar run that show?
Umar runs his show, Jin and Jokes, at Joe Squared in Baltimore the first Thursday of every month.
Matt, Josh, Kadern on all of them.
And that's a great show and he gets some really funny comics.
Yeah, it's a great show.
Matt, Josh, Kadern on all social media stuff.
And Umar and I have a podcast called The Digression Session.