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Nov. 24, 2019 - The Tim Dillon Show
01:13:21
175: 175 - Corporate Steakhouse
# smith and wollensky shane gillis qanon aunt john ben shapiro brendan schaub chick fil a corporate ethics dave rubin del friscos dining culture gender identity gillette ad joel olstein jordan peterson long island medium media censorship platform algorithms

Tim gets picked up from LAX and rants in the car about Chik-Fil-A, Kanye West merging with Joel Osteen, and his deep respect for a corporate steakhouse. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Time Text
Chick-fil-A and Corporate Choices 00:07:52
Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, pops, and candy wrappers.
All right, everybody.
Welcome to the Tim Dylan Show, heading back from LAX.
Just picked up by Ben the producer because they are no longer allowing Ubers and Lyfts at LAX because they are blaming Uber and Lyft for the fact that their airport is poorly designed and it was not designed with the flow of traffic in mind.
They didn't think that might potentially be an issue down the road.
So there's just endless bottlenecking.
If you've ever been to that airport, it is insane.
But, you know, the big news today, the big news, which everybody is focused on because it affects them personally, is the Chick-fil-A sandwich shop has decided to end its donations to groups that have been called anti-LGBT.
I don't know what groups they are.
Apparently, they're Christian groups.
And everybody has reacted to this.
You see people on Twitter like Ben Shapiro being like, I can't believe you did this.
You thrived as a company by serving everybody.
And now you've let cancel culture win.
And of course, you have like Dave Rubin, who's gay, by the way.
Dave Rubin's like, I will not be eating Chick-fil-A anymore.
Dave Rubin's gay, and Dave Rubin's going, he's not eating Chick-fil-A anymore.
And he's going to start making chicken sandwiches at his house.
He felt the need to tweet that.
He's an adult.
He's an adult and felt the need to tweet that he would be making chicken at home now.
Okay?
Dave Rubin would go to Egypt where they or Saudi Arabia where they were like crucifying young gay kids.
And if they stopped that policy, Dave Rubin would be like, This is another instance of cancel culture winning.
It's just another instance of cancel culture.
Yes, I'm gay, but I see no problem with the cultural execution of gay people.
And anyone that does, I don't care what Chick-fil-A does.
It doesn't matter to me.
I don't know what these charities were.
If some of the charities were, you know, if you want to donate to Christian organizations, great.
They don't, you know, they oppose same-sex marriage, fine.
It gets a little stickier to me if they're like advocating the abuse of children.
Like I'm trying to like the camps that people send their gay kids to to try to turn them straight.
I'm trying to think of the name of that, conversion therapy.
So conversion therapy.
So if you're funding conversion therapy, I'm not really cool with it.
But again, it's still, you know, if I was on the line at Chick-fil-A and you came to me and they're like, you know, they could fund conversion therapy.
It would really depend on how hungry I was at the moment.
If you came to me on the line at Wendy's and you went, Wendy's has declared that they are supporting the caliphate, the Islamic Caliphate, and that all infidels should be slaughtered.
If I was on the Wendy's line, I was hungry.
I'd be like, all right, but let's talk about it later.
Let's get to it later.
Because boycotts don't work in this country because the real religion in this country is morbid obesity.
And I travel all over the country.
I see what it is.
So stop lying that you're not going to eat Chick-fil-A anymore.
You're going to start grilling salmon with your fat kids.
You're not.
You're going to do this for a few days and then you're going to go back to Chick-fil-A because it's hot and it's handed to you through a window and it's wrapped in paper, which is what American cuisine is.
It's something that was deep fried, mass-produced, made of poison, wrapped in paper, and handed you through a window and you could throw it at your children while they scream in the back of the car.
So let's not act like that's going to stop anytime soon.
Stop with the boycotts and the get-on-your moral high horse.
Chick-fil-A can do what they want.
I didn't yell when they donated to gay anti-gay groups.
So now everyone's going to yell when they said, well, we're not going to do that anymore.
Who knows why they're not doing it?
Maybe they want to expand into cities, more liberal markets.
They're a corporation.
It's not a Christian company anymore.
There's no such thing as a Christian corporation, you dummies.
It doesn't exist.
What part of the Bible are you reading where you have like Jesus walking around talking about maximizing shareholder profit?
This was a guy who walked around, he hung out with like prostitutes.
He tried to feed the hungry.
It's not a Christian company anymore.
Well, then don't eat there.
Then grill salmon and eat broccoli and go on walks and try to survive.
It won't happen.
We know it won't happen.
We just know for a fact it won't happen.
I love they go.
So the only organizations that Chick-fil-A Foundation will donate to in 2020 are Covenant House International, Junior Achievement of America, and local community food banks.
I mean, who gives a fuck?
Really?
Truly.
But can you stop pretending that boycotts are going to work?
People say that the Gillette ad lost Gillette $8 billion.
Gillette's razors at $38.
No one can afford that.
People don't shave anymore.
It's not the dumb Gillette ad.
Yeah, the ad might not have helped.
The ad was stupid, the toxic masculinity ad.
But most people saw it online.
They saw it on YouTube.
People don't make snap decisions, but they go and buy the razor that is cheap and available.
People are, a lot of people, don't have the luxury of participating in your moral crusades one way or the other.
I know that's unfathomable for you to believe that there's people in a situation that they just have to buy what's around.
They can't just sit back and make choices based on how they feel.
Go ask, we were pulling out of LAX.
I said, Ben, go ask any of these workers if they give a shit who Chick-fil-A donates to.
It's hot and it's available and they got to go back to work.
They could have Satanists handing out those sandwiches.
It doesn't matter.
This country is a country of fat slobs that are not going to start taking responsibility for their own lives.
They're not.
They're not.
That's why we eat this shit.
We want to die.
We know we're the problem.
We know humanity is a disease.
We see each other.
We look at everything beautiful, the oceans, you know, the sunsets, and we go, the only thing that's really polluting this fucking planet is us.
So subconsciously, we want to die.
So we're just...
That's what it is.
I just love the, you know, I was texting somebody who was like, you know, Chick-fil-A, they're turning on their core constituency.
Secularism as a Religion 00:14:59
Their core constituency is fat people.
Yes, there are some Southern fans.
Of course, the South goes.
Christians go, blah, blah, blah.
Maybe they lose a few dollars.
They'll make up for it by just putting them in Liberal City.
It doesn't matter.
They don't care.
They're a corporation.
They don't give a fuck.
They just want to sell chicken sandwiches.
They're only trying to sling chicken sandwiches.
I'm not, I'm going to, Dave Rubin, I'm going to make them in my home.
Good, good.
You and your fucking husband, who's probably so embarrassed, that poor guy, God only knows who Dave Rubin, Dave Rubin married somebody who's probably stealing money from his bank account.
And good for him.
If I married a dude, if I was as embarrassing as Dave Rubin and I got married to a guy, I would hope and pray that he was stealing from me every day.
I hope to God Dave Rubin's husband's embezzling money from him every fucking day.
Some twink who's just like, yeah, no, you make a lot of sense, Dave.
You're going to make the chicken in the house now.
No, you did great opening for Jordan Peter then.
You were so funny.
I saw Dave Rubin.
Me and Ori Shafir went to Jordan Peterson's lecture.
Jordan Peterson now, who I liked, but I don't know where he is now.
I think he's in a youth hostel.
I haven't heard from him in a little while.
I think they've strapped him to something.
He'll be back.
He'll have a comeback tour.
No harm, no foul.
Smart guy, not going to him.
Point is this.
Rubin opens up for him.
Ruben is a stand-up comic in the same way that I'm a triathlete, you know, in the way that I used to swim when I was eight.
And I've ran occasionally and I know what a bike is.
So Ruben, in that respect, is also a stand-up comic.
So Ruben comes out and opens for Jordan Peterson.
And you know, Ruben has this slimy, serpent-like way of talking.
He's like, hello, are there any liberals?
And every time he would hit what was not a punchline, but he thought it was just a pause, the crowd would kind of nervously, like, sort of laugh.
And then Ruben would go, like, he's had a lobotomy.
Like, he's had a, but the man's been lobotomized.
I'm not, you know, I'm not saying, you know, I don't care what anybody believes, but, but when you see somebody who's quite obviously mentally deficient, I mean, it's like these people all become just a mouthpiece for an ideology, whatever it happens to be.
Who cares?
Okay, so Chick-fil-A has decided, you know what?
We used to back a lot of anti-gay charities.
We're going to decide not to because we're a corporation and we're trying to sling chicken sandwiches.
And then, so a guy like Dave, I'll read you Dave Rubin's tweet right now because it's truly amazing that this came from an adult.
By the way, not only an adult, a guy that thinks he's funny.
Like this is a guy that thinks he's funny, which is more offensive to me.
Thinking you're funny and not being funny is more offensive to me than being a Nazi or a communist or because everyone has points.
That's the problem.
You know, all these little Nazi kids that are running around not bothering Charlie Kirk, yes, they're Nazis, but they have points.
Al-Qaeda has points.
Intifa has points.
Stalin had point.
So the thing is, everybody has points.
Now, the larger point they're all making is wrong.
But if Muhammad Ada had points, if you were on the plane going into the North Tower and Muhammad Ada, you said to Muhammad, you go, why are you doing this?
And he goes, come to the back of the plane.
Let me talk to you.
And he goes, to be honest, the U.S. has gone around the country overthrowing democratically elected leaders.
What they've done is they've waged campaigns of terrorism in our countries that have murdered endless civilians.
And they've used that to allow multinational corporations to come in and just steal our wealth.
You'd go, fuck, all right.
I don't want to be incinerated in two minutes, but Muhammad, you got a little bit of a point.
And you'd eat your peanuts and you'd go see whatever.
My point.
My point is that everybody's got points.
Okay?
Even the people that you don't agree with or that believe horrific things.
There are people that believe horrific things.
There are people that think gay people shouldn't exist and black people should.
And listen, but then they'll have a point where they'll be like, well, you know, maybe we shouldn't abort children after they've been born.
And you have to go, okay, that one, yes, that one, I'm with you.
Just like Antifa, all day I'd be like, yes, you can't take over intersections in Portland.
You can't throw, you can't take shits on the stage before Jordan Peterson speaks, even though that is kind of funny.
You can't do this.
Free speech shouldn't come with the threat of violence.
But if Antifa turned around and, you know, said, listen, here's the fucking reality.
There's a lot of people in this country that are very comfortable with fascism and would vote it in tomorrow and usher it in.
I would go, yeah, you're probably right.
You're probably right.
And if you doubt that, just go to a Buffalo Wild Wings.
And yeah, so yeah, the idea that there's some organized anti-fascist campaign isn't completely insane when you have a country of people that love a strong man, that the first thing they do is going to, they're going to get out and defend the police.
Did you see that thing that I post on my Twitter about a guy with no arms or legs?
A cop, he's like wrestling a guy with no arms or legs.
The guy's no arms and legs.
He's in like a youth, like a group home, and the cop's like slamming him on the floor.
I swear to God.
I swear to God.
It's like, and the people, people will defend that cop.
So that's why Antifa kind of exists is because there's a lot of people in America, their first thing to do is just, you know, back authority.
So let's read, let's read Dave Rubin's tweet, by the way.
Dave Rubin here.
The decision makes absolutely no sense.
Chick-fil-A was actually cool because it stood up to the progressive mind virus, which is cancel culture.
By the way, these people just use like buzzwords.
And this is everybody on all sides, by the way.
None of them have brains and thought.
They're like, they stood out to the progressive virus.
They cancel.
Their brains have been eaten.
He goes, so Dave Rubin, now he's trying to be funny, right?
He's a bland, basic bitch.
Like, if there was ever a basic bitch, it is Dave Rubin.
You're a basic bitch.
That's what you are.
You're just basic.
That Rubin report show is like so boring.
He has people on and he's like, hello.
Do you think that the progressive left is regressive?
There's a great cartoon about it, which I'm imitating, which is fucking literally what he does.
And then he just goes, I agree with you.
I agree.
You're right.
I should be.
You know, at Ben Shapiro, that famous clip where Ben Shapiro's like, yeah, I wouldn't go to your wedding.
And Dave Rubin was like kind of surprised by that.
But it's like, that's who you're shilling for, dummy.
So listen to this, Dave Rubin.
And by the way, he's quote tweeting Ben Shapiro.
So this is, I love this is when Dave Rubin thinks he's funny.
He goes, I'm not going back to that sad, dry, pathetic Burger King chicken sandwich.
No way, no how.
Back to the home-cooked frying pan.
You know, back to the home-cooked frying pan.
I'm going to make my own chicken sandwich.
Hey, Dave, fuck off.
We don't need this contribution from you.
You're an adult and you're telling us, I mean, that you're going to start cooking at home.
I love the, it's like, that's the whole point of the tweet.
It's like, I'm not going back to Burger King.
I'm going to go cook at home while my husband goes out and fucks other men.
I hope he is.
I pray to God, Dave Rubin's husband is fucking other men.
That fucking zombie.
It's a reality, folks.
Boycotts don't work.
Remember everybody's trying to boycott after Trump got elected, they were like trying to boycott Uber.
And then they found out that the president of Lyft like owns slaves.
And they're like, well, what are we going to do now?
I'm kidding about the president of Lyft.
I don't know why, but he's involved in something questionable.
You're never more than three steps away from something that's not good.
It's the way it is.
And what are you at 3 a.m.?
You're standing outside of a bar.
What are you going to do?
Go back to drunk driving?
That would be great.
Wouldn't that be great?
A bunch of accidents.
What happened?
Why'd you kill that family?
I'm not taking Uber.
I won't do it.
He's part of like this covered in blood.
Do you know that the CEO of Uber is part of Trump's economic council?
Yeah, we just took two kids out of that car.
They're both dead.
Well, it's better that than them living in a world where Trump's the president.
I drive drunk.
That's a great boycott.
Boycott Uber.
Drive drunk.
I just imagine some guy in the South be like, Chick-fil-A is not a Christian company anymore.
What I've planned to do is I'm going to go buy some salmon, some quinoa.
I'm going to grill it.
I'm going to make asparagus.
I'm going to make a salad of arugula in lemon juice and olive oil.
I'm not even going to use no store-bought dressing.
And then I'm going to walk, do some lat cardio.
These Chick-fil-A things made me decide that maybe I should survive.
The idea of fat Christians threatening Chick-fil-A is the funniest thing I could ever think.
Just fat people.
Imagine threatening a corporation that you're not going to use there.
Imagine being that person that's like, no more, not for me anymore.
By the way, how embarrassing is it?
These people are like, I ate Chick-fil-A every day and no more.
It's like, why are you letting people know that you have that much of a dependence on a fast food company?
Why are you letting people know that?
How sick are you?
I used to eat Chick-fil-A every week.
It's like, why are you saying that in public?
Twitter's public.
People can see that.
They know that you're eating a chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-A every week.
That's part of your routine on earth.
That's what you've chosen to spend your time doing on the planet.
With the one life that you have, you've chosen to eat Chick-fil-A so much that you're emotionally invested in what the company does.
I'm going to boycott Chick-fil-A because that's what I saw.
I've spent my life eating Chick-fil-A.
There's literally tweets where people go, I've spent my life eating Chick-fil-A no more, no longer.
I mean, grow up.
Grow up.
Imagine caring what a corporate, like, imagine expecting morality from a corporate.
I mean, these are the people that wait to like fire people after Christmas so that they can work all the holiday shifts and then go, by the way, we're done.
Bye-bye.
I'm not saying all corporations are inherently evil, but the idea that you fucking expect them to mirror your own morality.
And it's also, guys, got it outdated.
It's a little outdated.
The idea that you're expecting a conglomerate to reflect your values when your values come from the Bible or the Quran or the Torah.
Guys, you got to have a better argument.
There's a lot of good arguments for things that are in the, like not murdering people.
You'll be surprised.
There's great secular arguments for not murdering people.
There's great secular arguments for not fucking children, coveting your neighbor's wife, stealing.
Great secular.
You got to make, but you can't just hold the Bible up and say, this is the way I want my chicken sandwich shop to behave.
And if they don't behave like this, the same way on the other side.
If the chicken sandwich shop wants to believe in the Bible and support policies that originate in the Bible, you can think it's stupid or you cannot eat the chicken sandwich.
It's not a big deal either.
You just don't eat sandwich.
If you don't like it, you go, I'm not going to support it.
That's all.
Secularism has become a religion.
So what you now see is the return to like this weird medieval Christianity or this evangelism that's like end times, QAnon shit where they think Trump is like appointed by the Lord to fight the end times battle.
It's really, it's just like it's a species that longs for its extinction.
Really, humanity is a species that has done more than any other species to bring about its own extinction.
We want it.
We want it soon.
And I think down deep, it's because we know that we're the issue.
But like this whole idea, you read some of the QAnon threads and they fuse it so closely with end times Christianity.
It's like the rapture.
Trump's going to ride in on the white whore.
I mean, this is how crazy it is.
I don't care what you believe.
Believe all of that.
But don't expect the burrito shop to also believe, you know?
I mean, how far do you want to take this?
I won't eat it, Chick-fil-A if Chick-fil-A doesn't recognize the supremacy of Q. Why isn't Chick-fil-A talking about Q?
What?
Why isn't Chick-fil-A talking about QA non?
QAnon Silence at Restaurants 00:07:40
If you aren't going to talk about QAnon, I'm not eating your sandwich.
There's a war happening, and you've been pretty goddamn silent, Chick-fil-A.
Like, why not make them go all the way?
Why stop with why not round up gay people and kill them?
I mean, if you really want Chick-fil-A to fight the biblical battles you so think should be fought, Why do any of this?
You're not open on the Shabbat on Shindy.
I mean, let's really, let's go down all those rules in Leviticus and let's see how many of them Chick-fil-A breaks on a daily basis.
I bet they break a few.
I bet there's a few that they break.
But let's take it all the way.
I am upset.
I am no longer eating at Wendy's because Wendy's does not hasn't talked about QAnon.
So if Wendy's doesn't talk about Q, I'm out because we're in a shadow war.
And if they're not going to get on board with my own belief system, I know that QAnon people listen to the show and they message me, they get upset.
It's like, guys, if you think the show is good, just keep listening to the show.
I don't care what you think about anything.
You're not going to sway me.
I have friends that believe in that shit that are probably more well-versed in it than you.
I don't find it believable.
I'm a rational human being.
I'm a rational human being.
I have not lost that yet.
They have not taken it from me.
I have not been so enraged with Ocasio-Cortez that I believe in fairy tales and children's books involving these leakers from the Trump administration.
I haven't adopted that worldview yet because my brain has not been rotted.
Now, one day, I'm sure it will be.
It's the way it is.
Organisms just die.
But this is, you know, it is what it is.
In the same way, I haven't gone along with the secular woke crowd.
I think they are full of shit.
I think they are crazy.
You know?
It's just becoming, the right wing is now like trying to be as annoying.
Like the right wing's getting as annoying now as the left wing, where you're like, I truly, you know, I was in Fort Worth and I was doing a show and I was, the audience, I just see people at their worst and they just take all these people.
It's a very volatile, divisive time in American history.
And then they pour alcohol all over it and then sit people in a room for an hour and then I perform for them and I mention things that are kind of triggering or hot button topics either way.
And then people just, you know, if I say the word Trump, people cheer, people boo.
It's like, just listen to the joke, dummy.
It's not about how you feel.
It doesn't matter.
You can love them or hate them.
Shut up.
Going out and doing stand-up is very blackpilling because you realize that we're a country of children and that authoritarian power structures are never going to disappear because down deep, we're hardwired to want them.
We want a leader.
We want a PAC leader.
We all want somebody to tell us what to do.
I tweeted something today about Kanye West.
I like Kanye West.
I think his foray into religion is interesting.
I think the modern world's left people feeling very empty, very isolated, disconnected, disenfranchised.
So the revival of religion and spirituality, I understand that.
And I think Kanye is saying some very interesting things.
But he's standing next to Joel Alstein, who's worth millions and millions of dollars in a mega church that Joel Alstein refused to open to flood victims, by the way.
And I just tweeted, listen, guys, the reality is society cannot be a choice between consumerism and fucking, you know, religious or political extremism.
It can't.
It can't be those two, you know, those two polar opposite or are they relieving that opposite.
But those can't be the choices.
They can't be the options.
We need to find something in the middle.
And if people are like, well, how is this?
How is this Christianity going to be?
Because I said people are embracing belief systems that become dangerous because they feel so empty.
People are like, well, how is this going to be dangerous?
How's Christianity going to be dangerous?
And I'm like, well, Christianity has done some negative things.
It's done some negative things.
In fact, it's a great way to fleece people out of money.
It's a great way to fleece people out of money.
And churches and pastors have been doing that for a very long time.
Ask the kids who've been abused by priests if Christianity has done any negative things.
You know, ask anybody who's given their life savings away to a charlatan minister that comes on the air at 2 a.m. promising them tickets into heaven if they sign checks from their becket.
Ask any of them if it's been, yeah, it's been negative, dummy.
Like, just you got to look at fucking, and I'm not, and militant atheism can be also very negative and people being nihilistic.
And I've seen religion do beautiful things for people, but you got to be rational.
And when you have Kanye West standing next to Joel Alstein, if you don't see that this could be an issue down the road, I don't know that I can help you.
If you don't see that down the road, this could get interesting.
This could get very interesting.
It might be great, but there is also that possibility that it won't be that great.
And that other celebrities who may not believe in anything might decide to wear the mask of Christianity in order to make money and attack that market.
You just have to view things like a rational person.
I'm not hating on Kanye West.
I like him, but he's clearly had a little bit of a mental slip.
I wouldn't call it a break, but some of the things he says, you go, I don't know what's going on here.
And, you know, I appreciate what he's trying to do and I appreciate, but let's, you know, get real a little bit.
He's standing there next to Joel Olstein, who's worth a bazillion dollars because he's selling the best product ever, Christ.
And Kanye's standing next to him.
I worry a little bit.
I worry a little bit about the fusion between big Christian money and massive entertainers.
I think that could be a very interesting road that we go down.
I'm not saying that it's going to be, you know, overturning Roe v. Wade or putting gay people in camps or any of that.
I'm not some hysteric.
But I just think that, you know, religion's always been a great way to fleece people out of their own money.
It's been great.
And I'm like, I wonder if that's where this could be going.
Hope not.
But you got Joel Olstein grinning like Barabbas, by the way, standing on that stage.
And I respect Joel Olstein.
I respect somebody who goes out there, hits his flock over the head, and then when there's a flood, he goes, get out of my church, you pigs.
Gender Fluidity in Long Island 00:07:53
I respect that.
The same way I respect the Long Island Medium for preying on the sadness of mothers and fathers who've lost their children.
And the idea that she's able to go to sleep every night doing that, taking advantage of people that they're most desperate and making money out of it.
I give her a real, I say, hey, good on you.
Good for you, Teresa Caputo, for literally preying on, and because they deserve it.
They deserve it.
Sorry to say it.
They deserve it.
My grandmother used to say that.
If you buy a ticket for that, you deserve it.
If you buy a ticket for that garlic knot to tell you she's talking to your daughter, that meatball, to tell you she's talking to your daughter, then you deserve everything you get.
Can't be mad at her.
Not mad at Joel Elstein.
You want to write him?
You want to give him all your money?
Give him all your money.
Doesn't not a big deal.
By the way, if you're a Long Island, if you're a Long Island head, which some of the people listening to the show are, you got to watch the show called, I forget what it's called.
It's called Unpolished.
And it's about this family of people that do nails in Long Island called the Martones.
And it's like, it's like a first of all, can we say this?
So many women in Long Island that are like very Italian are almost trans.
Like, and I don't say that in a negative way, and I'm not trying to insult anyone, but I will say that I am open more to these fluid gender arguments when I see like Long Island Italian women that are like, hey, hey, my name is La Bria Letzi.
And I'm like, you know, maybe we don't have it all down here.
Maybe it's not as simple as just men and women when you see Long Island Italian women.
It is a real masculine energy to these broads.
It's interesting.
And they have this new show about the salon they have in East Northport where they do like extreme nails.
You know, one of the one woman comes in and she goes, hi, I'm going to a Sting of Thongwriter conference.
You know, by the way, people in Long Island should be legally prohibited from ever entering the arts.
So this woman comes in and she goes, I'm going to a Sting of Thongwriter conference.
I need my nails to play music because I want something to differentiate me from everyone else at the conference.
And at that point, I would have said, like, hey, what about your talent?
But she's smart enough to realize she needs something else.
So she has this woman who runs this salon go find a way to put one of her songs, which is horrific if you watch the episode, put one of her songs in her fingernail so that when she make her fingernail into a boombox.
So when she taps the boombox, the song starts playing.
Can you imagine being at whatever bullshit music convention this was?
And you have this Long Island goon walking around going, look at my nail.
Look at my nail.
It's a boombox.
It plays my song.
And then she just starts tapping her boombox nail and the song starts playing.
And the song is so bad.
But it's a show is sometimes I miss Long Island and the show is like a fascinating glimpse into what Long Island is.
She's like, my father's like Tony Soprano.
They even breathe the same.
And her father's a big guy.
And her father's like, and I'm like, well, he's dead.
The guy that you compare him to is, you know, the grandma works with, you know, it's, I'm not shitting on them because I respect everybody's hustle, especially on the island, Long Island Strong.
You do what you need to do, ladies.
But I'm saying what's very interesting about all the gender discussion is when we have these discussions about transgender people, we don't include Long Island Italian women who seem to be on a spectrum.
To be honest, many of them, not all of them, but a lot of them seem to be on a spectrum.
It's an interesting discussion to have, clinically.
Let's be honest.
You know, dark black hair, broad shoulders, big, deep voices.
Something's up.
It's an interesting case study.
That's my only point.
You watch them.
You're like, this is interesting.
You know, she dates a guy from a pizzeria and he comes over to the house and she's like, what is my father wants to know what you want for breakfast?
He goes, I don't want to eat no breakfast.
She goes, my father won't take that as the.
And he goes, I got bacon teeth.
She goes, all right.
She goes, when I was younger, I was heavy and fat and I never left my room and I learned how to do nails.
Then I got a gastric sleeve and now I feel better.
And now I am, and she is, she's impressive.
The nail art is very impressive.
And then, so they run the salon together, Salon Martone.
They're interesting.
It's an interesting show.
You get a little Long Island.
You want a little Long Island?
That's what you get.
But it's very interesting, the gender dynamics that, you know, that are out there.
A lot of these Italian women, a lot of them is very, the voices are very like, hey, Angela, you're going to go.
It's like no one would be shocked if they had dicks.
Like nobody would be shocked if you pull down their pants.
It was a big hog.
Like a big hog, not even like a small tranny dick that they made, like a big hog.
And you go, yeah.
Yeah, this makes perfect sense because there's just some very interesting in the same way that like Irish, certain Irish women, when they get older, become, they look like men.
They look like Irish men, like they have short hair and they just look like men.
But that takes a while to the age.
The Italian women, like the younger they are, the more, like the masculine energies peak in their like 20s and 30s.
Some of them soften as they get older.
And then they just look goth.
They have like a weird goth energy because they get older and they just everything's black and dark.
But like around their 20s and 30s, they're like peak like, hey, hey, are you done?
My name is Angela.
I dated my, I dated Vito, you know, Vito.
And I'm like, what is, what's going on here?
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe all these radical gender theorists are right.
And all it took me was a Long Island Italian woman to realize that gender might be a construct.
This is a dude.
We just said you should wear a dress.
But to be honest with you, I don't know.
After watching Salon Martone, I don't know.
I mean, these broads are fucking, and I respect them.
That's the other thing.
I'm not hating on them.
I'm sure they're women.
I'm not saying they're not women, but they have an energy of a dude.
I don't give a fuck about that.
I'll fuck off.
It's like an energy of a dude.
And you go like, this is interesting.
Maybe there is something to be said for gender fluidity.
I don't know.
Chefs Become Commodities 00:15:06
That's the thing.
That's the other thing about Chick-fil-A.
We've had the best sandwiches in Long Island forever.
The Chick-fil-A sandwich is very good, but we've had such amazing sandwiches in Long Island for so long that anyone getting upset about a fast food sandwich is kind of crazy because I grew up with amazing delis, places like My Hero and Belmore, places that were just so fucking great and are still great.
Soft hero rolls and, you know, really good food, Nice juicy chicken cutlets, crisp bacon, lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, little ketchup, little Trump trunny 2020 hat right on the sandwich.
But I mean, these were great, the chicken club at My Hero's Legendary.
We're talking about meatball parmesan, chicken parmesan, fried eggplant, fresh mozzarelle, fucking red peppers.
We're talking about serious sandwiches, bacon, American cheese, Russian dressing on a fucking roll, bacon, egg, and cheese, tuna salad with bacon and cheese on a garlic hero.
Fuck you.
So it's hard for me to understand when people get nuts over a fast food sandwich.
Go to Long Island.
Go live in Long Island.
Yes, there are negatives, but the positives will be you will get some serious sandwiches, rare roast beef, melted mozzarella cheese, some sautéed onions on a fucking garlic hero.
Change your life.
What about a little meatloaf sandwich with some vodka sauce?
How about that?
Fuck face.
How about a little London broil and some fried onions on there?
How about a buffalo chicken cutlet with crumbled blue?
Faggot!
Stop.
Stop arguing about shit sandwiches.
It's a good Chick-fil-A is good, but it's mass-produced.
It's good.
It's not life-changing.
I know what life-changing food is.
I ate a Perry's the other night in Dallas.
I love a corporate steakhouse.
Why is a corporate steakhouse so good?
I want it to be dark.
I want people there talking about real estate scams and whores.
I want prostitutes.
I want tan couples that just got back from an unfulfilling vacation, hovering right above misery, silently eating crab cocktail.
I want that.
I want shellfish towers.
I want bosses trying to impress their new hires.
I want new hires trying to impress their bosses.
I want everybody with their tits and their dicks out.
I want collared fucking shirts.
I want matrices that grab you by the arm and say, is everything okay?
I want decanted fucking bottles of red wine.
I want shrimp scampy and ribeyes and porter houses.
I want fucking aged ribeyes.
I want fucking wagu, wagu, wagu, whatever the fuck it is.
It's fake anyway.
There's seven restaurants serving it and all you idiots are paying for it.
It doesn't matter.
I want fucking slabs of beef and pork chops and veal chops.
I want gnocchi.
I want fucking people in suits sitting around a table trying to swindle.
That's what I love.
And I want it to have more than one location.
I want to know that the exact same thing is happening in Dallas, in Chicago, in New York, at Miami.
I want to know that all across the world, demons from hell are dressed to the nines, eating ribeyes and deciding if they're man enough to have a fucking piece of cheesecake or a bananas foster at the end.
I want a corporate steakhouse.
Except Ruth Chris.
I hate Ruth Chris.
That's a mall steakhouse.
Fuck you if you eat it, Ruth Chris.
I want a Del Frisco's or a Smith and Walinski's.
I want a Perry's.
I want an Ocean Prime.
I want a Capitol Grill.
I want consistency.
I want a menu designed in a boardroom by suits.
I want every location to be the same.
I want to know that the sriracha vinaigrette at the Pokeball is the same everywhere I fucking go.
And then I don't have some fucking artist chef going to ruin my favorite dish because he thinks he's special.
You're not.
Follow the fucking rules.
The system exists for a reason, Marxist scum.
But I will say, comrade, I will argue an appetizer every now and then off my tab.
Just say this wasn't really what I thought it would be.
But that's what I want.
It's my favorite type of restaurant.
It's always been the corporate, soulless steakhouse.
That's the reality.
If people don't spend their life trying to acquire things, they fall into some type of weird, quasi-spiritual genocidal mania.
They need little dumb things to do.
They're beasts of burden, as Jordan Peterson said.
They need to make enough money to buy themselves mashed potatoes with lobster on top of it for no goddamn reason.
It doesn't even taste good.
Doesn't even taste good.
But Alan Stillman knew this, who started Fridays and Smith of Walinski's.
D.D. Del Frisco knew this, who started Del Frisco's.
Whoever the fuck Morton was, that fat fuck who started Morton's.
And I don't really love Morton's, but it'll do.
I don't like Mastros out here in L.A.
I don't like it.
My point is a good corporate steakhouse, that's where you tell your woman you're going.
You're not going to some fucking, oh, but I want to go, you know, this little, you know, 12-seat, 12-table restaurant, and all their food is Thorst's remote.
Shut up.
We're going to a corporate steakhouse with my father.
That's what we're doing.
Because we've been going there for 10 years and he's almost dead.
Make a fucking memory.
You're going to have your petite filet mignon, your Chardonnay.
You're going to shut the fuck up.
Because this is a corporate steakhouse and we deserve this.
This is the way my father loves me.
We go and eat.
We fill ourselves with fat and salt and sugar and bread.
And we feel sick when we leave.
Doesn't matter.
We toss and we turn.
We do not sleep well that night because our body should not be digesting this level of food.
But it doesn't matter because as we're tossing and turning, everything we ate goes into a fucking column of profit for that corporate steakhouse.
And it endures and it lives forever.
And it gives senators a place to take prostitutes.
And it gives older couples a place to just have that final meal before they decide they don't want to see each other again until they lay down in matching burial plots.
I just love a corporate.
I will never love any restaurant as much as I love a corporate steakhouse.
The transience of the people, they'll all be, they're all dying and there'll be another crop of them moving in.
The Maitri D that pretends that they care, the lonely people like me sitting at the bar, most of them boozing, me just eating, and then the bartenders saying, remembering our names.
Hey, thanks for coming, Tim.
Yeah.
Hey, thank you.
Thank you.
I won't go back to the hotel and blow my brains out tonight because you said thanks for coming, Tim.
Because they know how to lub you up.
They know how to make you feel nice because it's a corporate steakhouse.
There's not one location.
There's many.
There's accountability.
There's structures.
There's hierarchy.
Things matter.
Things have to be done the same way.
And yes, maybe there's not that many magical moments because you know what you're going to get and you expect it.
So there's not a lot of magical moments in those restaurants.
But guess what?
The magic's over in this fucking country.
You're lucky.
You're lucky to have whatever it is that you got.
There's not too many magic because nobody's taking the risks to make the magic because the risks aren't being rewarded.
When you become a brand, you can't take risks, but you can deliver a sustainable level of quality to the people, which is all you should expect, you greedy fuck.
We're in the end stage of an empire, and you're looking for somebody to whip up a miracle in that kitchen.
It's not going to happen.
Just get a medium rare ribeye in a vat of its own fat and a cream spinach and keep your mouth shut.
Stop with the I read a review or this place looks nice or, you know, this chef had an inspiring story.
She grew up with one leg and now she makes omelets.
Cut it out.
Go to the corporate steakhouse and sit in the dark corner and eat what you know you're going to like.
Maybe not love, but like.
The country is over.
These temples of consumerism and slabs of beef are what is left.
High-end dining is dead.
It died in the 90s.
After 9-11, people took the tablecloths off the restaurants.
People stopped going to French restaurants.
They stopped spending three hours having tasting menus.
Now all the restaurants in New York that are, you know, three-star Michelin restaurants, they all cater to high-end tourists, you know, Asian tourists, things like that.
People have a shitload of money and they hand you like, you know, some little jelly cube and it's like, tastes like, you know, a carbonated grapefruit.
And they go, ta-da.
And you go, no, ta-da.
Fuck you.
They hand you a bowl that's just a little sea urchin foam and a grape that's taken out of someone's ass.
Fuck you.
I will take my corporate steakhouse, please.
A nice fat loaf of bread that is not fresh, but it is hot as fuck.
It's so hot that I don't remember that it was here three days ago.
Probably on someone else's table.
Some other fat slob gnawing on it.
I've given up on truly transcendent dining experiences.
I've had many of them, but they are over.
Chefs have become commodities.
Nobody has any appreciation for art.
Everything sucks.
Why would food be good?
That's why you're all arguing about Chick-fil-A.
Shove it up your ass.
There's nothing left.
The only thing that is left is the corporate chain steakhouse with the food that doesn't even make sense.
Do you want crab on your steak?
No, but pushure.
Do you want a lobster crusted steak?
I don't even know what that is, but yes.
Why?
Because I have nothing left in my life.
Crust it with blue cheese and salmon cum.
I don't care as long as I pay more than the market price.
I want to pay over market for this.
Crust it with nine things.
I want the tartare to start, the tuna tartare and the beef tartare.
Throw in a shellfish plowder.
Give me a tomato, tomato and onion salad and a tomato and mozzarella.
What do you got?
An autumn bisque, some butternut squash soup?
Cum that into a bowl and serve it to me for 18 bucks.
I have nothing left.
Give me a seafood stuffed mushroom if you want.
And then you better litter this table with beef.
Big slabs of salt-cured beef, fatty bacon.
I want cream spinach and lionase potatoes, ogratin potatoes, mashed potatoes, and you better mash everything into them.
Burblanc sauce, butter, crab, lobster, shellfish, stone crab claws.
You better take a hunk of rope for cheese and smash it into those potatoes with your bare hands.
Because that's what I want.
I want a meal that doesn't even make sense.
I don't want it to even make sense.
I want you to bring something to the table that I have to explain to someone while they stare at me.
What's on your steak?
It's crusted with lobster and a Berblanc sauce and a Gorgonzola spinach souffle.
I don't know.
It's a ribeye and it's in a cage of fried bacon and duck fat.
And it's just, that's what I want because that's all that we have left.
Don't look for these romantic stories of young chefs fulfilling their dreams in little kitchens where they make brilliant stuff.
That's all over.
People yell at those people.
Can't borrow too much from this culture.
You're appropriating their culture now.
Fusion cuisine was a thing of the 90s.
People would take French techniques and Asian flavors.
Can't do that now.
Why would they do that?
Because France pioneered classical cooking techniques.
And Asian people, many of them, and there's nothing wrong with this, ate at restaurants where the tablecloths were a leaf.
So what you do in those situations is you bring those things together and everybody benefits.
Okay?
So my point of this rant, it's a very food-centric episode, but my point here is do not go looking for gold.
Do not let the perfect become the enemy of the good.
Don't look for a view.
No good restaurants ever had a view.
Shut up.
What are you, an idiot?
I like a view.
That's chick shit.
You don't need a view.
Me and Ben went to a restaurant once in Malibu.
The view was amazing.
The food was horrific.
And then we walked in the bathroom and there were literally, I'm not even kidding.
It was like naked children.
Me and Ben were like very uncomfortable.
We're like, we don't understand what is happening.
Why is this happening?
Apparently everyone in the restaurant probably knew why it was happening.
But the point is this.
That's what a view is.
You know?
People need a view.
You need to sit in the corner of a dark corporate steakhouse.
The only view you should have is a couple barrels of wine, maybe a brick wall, maybe a wood wall.
It should look like a meat locker, dark carpets, maybe flowing white tablecloths, maybe not.
I don't know.
Spiral stairs, big lights, big leather placemats, knives and forks, the name of the steakhouse, you know, just everywhere carved into tables on menus, everywhere right in your face.
They don't want you to ever forget that you're eating a del Frisco, even though you've had multiple strokes because of their food.
They still want to make sure that that fucking, that's right out in front of you, right there.
Those are the steakhouses that I grew up in.
Those are the steakhouses, the restaurants that I'll always love.
Instagram Advertising Tactics 00:15:45
Because for that moment, you're special.
You go in there and yeah, you're a piece of shit and you have nothing and you have no money because this is what I've been my whole life.
And I'm kind of a little above it now, but I'm still that, especially in these places.
Sure, you have nothing and you go in and you barely wonder if your fucking debit or credit card is going to work.
But for that moment, when you bite into that cold shrimp on ice, when you bite into that cold shrimp on ice, nobody in that restaurant knows you're a dirtbag.
They don't know you're a dirtbag.
You know, because you're just sitting there in the dark.
People can barely see each other.
Turn the lights down.
I walk into a steakhouse.
It's well lit.
I go, turn it down.
Turn it down now.
People want to relax.
This should be like a sauna with fucking crab cocktail.
So that's my point.
I, you know, my appreciation for food started as a young person.
And I learned to love the steakhouses.
I learned to appreciate them.
I learned to understand Their meaningless luxury in many cases.
I learned to understand that that luxury wasn't so meaningless.
It was maybe my own naivete.
Now that I grow older, I know that it is nice to have a little luxury, a nice warm bread roll, a nice little slab of unsalted butter, a creamy butter, a nice lobster bisque, a little sherry.
I know that it's nice to not be in some experiment all the goddamn time with some chef that you know thinks he's going to be the next thing and he's not.
And you got to sit there and suffer through that.
It's nice to go to a corporate steakhouse with your friends' family who are very tan and they don't love each other and they sit down and they judge you, but you get a nice big fat free meal for it.
And you know, who gives a shit?
And they don't quite love you and they don't quite hate you, but you just kind of stay on their good side with everything you say.
There's something beautiful about those types of meals.
You know, that's the reality.
So that's what I suggest you go out there and find.
That's why I love Dallas, Texas, because it was just chain steakhouse after chain steakhouse after chain steakhouse.
Guys just trying to, you know, set up phony real estate companies, bilk people out of their money, and fuck prostitutes in hotels while their wife's at home making stuffing.
And I connected to that immediately.
I connected to it.
Much more than I'll ever connect to these hipster pigs, the goddamn $800 sneakers they're whining about, you know, that nobody gives a fuck about them and they rightfully have no fans and no traction in this business.
You should, you shouldn't.
All these people on Twitter, look at my shitty career.
Yeah, it's for a reason.
Stop highlighting what's accurate.
No one came to my show again.
Correct.
Correct.
So here's what I'm saying.
I maybe thought I was too liberal in the beginning of the episode, but then I redeemed it with maybe the best defense a corporate steakhouse ever had.
Because, you know, one of my friends chicks said once, she's like, I don't, you always want to go somewhere corporate.
And I said, let me explain something to you, you pigh whore.
Okay?
You're a pig whore.
Okay.
I go somewhere corporate because I like something that's proven themselves.
Okay.
And when you shit out of literate kids and your body goes to shit and you can't go around dancing at clubs anymore, you're going to love a dark room where you can sit and fill yourself with bisque.
So keep your mouth shut and enjoy the pleasures of a simple, sterile, soulless, vapid, corporate, serene environment.
That's why we come here because it is serene and there's a beauty to it.
Shut your mouth, you pigh whore.
TimDillonComedy.com for my live dates.
Tim J Dylan, D-I-L-L-O-N on Instagram and Twitter.
Please continue to support the show.
Please continue to eat at corporate steakhouses.
They are very good.
I really want to just open a restaurant, but I would open a corporate steakhouse.
And it would be a small, independent corporate steakhouse.
And I would just say, I just want this to be franchised.
As small as my restaurant was, it would be a corporate steak.
It could be six tables.
It'll be a corporate steakhouse.
Just get one chandelier, throw, I'll have a spiral staircase going to nowhere.
I'll have a pretend wine cellar.
I don't care.
But that's all that we have left is the country, you know?
So that's, that's kind of the corporate steakhouse is maybe an allegory for America, you know?
And that's what we got.
But that's what it is, folks.
Hey, everybody.
This is Tim Dylan here, just addressing a little controversy.
The Brendan Schaub episode, which everybody loved.
I appreciate that.
There was actually not one negative comment to be found anywhere on social media, you know, which is very rare.
Most episodes I do are, you people enjoy them, but there is some mixed reaction.
It's only logical that people would have different feelings.
But this episode was 100% positive comments, well received.
Appreciate that.
YouTube, in the infinite wisdom of YouTube, has chosen to remove it.
We think YouTube said it was about us selling something unregulated.
It could have been a CBD, potentially, we don't know.
Has to do with our advertising.
Doesn't have to do with our content.
From what we've been told, we're working with them, appealing that, trying to get that back up.
So that is what happened.
We got a message.
I did Rogan yesterday.
We're coming back.
Ben, our indefatigable.
Is it indefatigable?
What is it?
Indefatigable.
You're right.
Yeah, it's not.
Okay.
It's not indefatigable or something.
I don't think so.
No.
Our indefatigable producer, he's very fatigable, which is the funny thing about it.
He sleeps all the time.
He sleeps like 13 hours a day.
Like a junkie.
He got an email from YouTube that, what did it say?
It said the video was pulled for harmful and dangerous content.
Right.
And if I looked into that, it was because we were selling regulated goods without a prescription or something like that.
So these are regulated goods, whether it's CBD or whether it's Bluetooth.
We don't know.
We still don't know.
Products everybody sells.
Products everyone sells.
We don't know.
It seems like it's selective enforcement of a policy.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm not.
Listen, I've talked enough about YouTube and what's going on with YouTube.
We're all aware of that.
How that shakes out, I do not know.
But this doesn't seem to be a content-related problem.
It seems to be something with the advertising, but it does seem to be what seems to be selective enforcement of a policy.
I don't know.
But that doesn't mean that, I mean, that is a legitimate thing.
I mean, you know, not everybody's going to get flagged.
I got flagged for whatever reason.
Maybe because of all the positive comments on the episode, you know, it's very possible.
I don't know.
There's so many people that were so happy to hear that conversation happen.
And there was such an outpouring of joy in many sectors of the internet that maybe that just alerted YouTube and they wanted to take a closer look at the episode.
And then they were like, oh, these guys are slinging CBD and Bluetooth.
Weird, not cool.
I'm not going to try to be a hysteric about the direction that technology is taking in a lot of these platforms.
I don't know.
I, like you, I'm waiting to see all these things unfold.
I did put on my story the other day, it begins, because I do think something is beginning.
I don't know what it is.
And nobody knows.
I mean, the signs are there that it's going to be tougher.
You know, we're going to have to be a little bit more careful.
I also want to address why I'm not putting a lot of the videos or maybe all of the videos on Instagram anymore.
I am not willing to lose my Instagram account for a video, especially when Instagram is not promoting any of the content we put out.
So we're not getting as many views on those videos on Instagram as we are on Twitter.
Twitter seems to be the last bastion of freedom.
And I know it's a horrible thing and everyone's fighting on it.
And a lot of it's political and everybody, listen, whatever.
I don't own stock in Twitter.
But I am telling you, Twitter seems to be the most lenient.
I mean, there's porn on Twitter, you know?
And so the reality is, and don't tell me like so-and-so got banned and whatever.
Like, don't, I'm, I'm not defending every action the company takes.
What I'm saying is for comedy videos, they seem to be, I know for a fact, they're a hell of a lot more lenient than Instagram and probably then maybe YouTube.
I don't know.
So also, you know, if the videos were being promoted on Instagram, if they're on the Discover page, people could find them.
But I mean, listen, you could argue about shadow bans.
You could say they're real.
They're not real.
I know that the video views I've got have plummeted as every other indicator of my career has gone up.
I've gained followers on Instagram.
I've gained followers on Twitter.
The podcast has quadrupled in listenership over the last year.
But the Instagram video views have plummeted.
So that's either a change in their algorithm or people can't get to the videos or whatever.
And I'm not going to complain about it.
We're not going to make every fucking show about it.
Boo-hoo-hoo.
No one cares.
I get it.
But that's why they're not on there.
We'll usually put a link to the video on Twitter.
And that's that.
Maybe we'll put some videos on Instagram if they're, you know, completely safe, but that's not the type of stuff that we usually do.
I don't know.
We've got a few strikes on Instagram.
We have to be careful.
You know, I don't know what the next strike is going to be or if it's going to be the final strike.
I'm being very careful with that account.
So the videos are going to go on Twitter.
They're going to go on YouTube.
And that's the way it is.
And, you know, there's still going to be shit on Instagram, you know, and if we feel like a video is completely safe, well, and, you know, we're not at risk of being flagged and being reported or being, you know, having a video removed, then, you know, we might put them on Instagram.
But as of right now, you know, we're being careful with that, you know, which I think anybody right now that is creative in any way has to be very careful with anything they do because you build a career using these platforms and you don't want to lose access to your fans, how to sell them tickets.
You don't want to do any of that over a stupid little thing.
So instead of censoring and making shittier videos that are unfunny, we're just putting them on Twitter.
Not a big deal.
That's okay.
Instagram will still be a fun place.
Still keep, you know, still keep putting all my dates, my live stuff out there, ticket links, you know, funny, funny stuff, you know, when we make it.
But, you know, we're being a little bit more careful with that, you know, which I think is reasonable.
You know, hopefully they put the shaob YouTube.
We were about 50,000.
30,000, I think.
About 30,000 views on that.
And yeah, Gillis is up to 50,000.
The Shane Gillis episode is up to 50,000.
So, you know, we're building a channel.
We're in the infancy of kind of building this channel.
And, you know, the podcast has grown tremendously.
So we appreciate that.
We appreciate everybody on Patreon.
We appreciate everybody who's just sharing it with their friends and family, you know, tweeting it out, regramming it, putting links, places, you know, sending people YouTube videos, telling people about me over Thanksgiving when you go home and you say, hey, if you want to divert attention from a political fight, tell them about the show.
Tell them about us.
You know, hey, hey, enough with that.
Aunt John.
Aunt John.
Did I say Aunt John?
I think so.
Yeah.
Well, that's a trans aunt who's getting crazy.
That's Aunt John.
Aunt John wants, she doesn't want, John identifies as a female, but likes her old name.
It's very confusing.
So Aunt John and Aunt John just likes to booze it up.
And Aunt John, even though she is trans, is an ethno-nationalist and loves whites.
So if Aunt John's boozing it up and she's, you know, talking about the ethnostate and you're like, hey, Aunt John, hey, Aunt John.
How about you listen to Tim Dylan show?
It's real fun.
And he's going to go, she's going to go, what's that?
I don't even know, folks.
I don't even know what I just said.
We're probably banned.
We're off.
Apple Podcast.
We're done.
They're done.
We're done.
It's all over.
In a few years, I'll just have a website.
We'll host all the video on the website.
You know, it's good that all of these companies are treating us all like militia leaders.
You know what I mean?
Isn't that nice?
You all have to fucking like, I shouldn't even be thinking this way.
You know, I do stuff on Comedy Central on the David Spade show.
You know, it's funny and it's on a cable news net, on a cable show, you know, like, yeah, but it's just the idea.
This is kind of funny.
It's funny when you think about the inner workings of these companies, how they work.
There's so much content, so many people putting out so much stuff.
There's not enough people, and some of them are poorly trained when they're reviewing these complaints or these problems.
You know, it is what it is.
I don't have too much of an interest in it, to be honest.
Like, of all the things going on in the world right now, the inner workings of these companies I have to know about because they affect me greatly.
But I have not, because they don't interest me outside of that too much, I haven't really spent a ton of time in my life wondering how decisions get made at Twitter.
Just haven't.
Trying to be funny.
Haven't really thought about this stuff.
Now I'm thinking about it more and more, which is necessary.
But, you know, I'd love to wash my hands of it all and go, who gives a fuck and just be funny?
Because that's all I'm trying to do.
And it's, you know, that's what you people want from me is to be fucking funny.
That's it.
You know, and I get it, you know?
So in closing, I was going to make a joke that I, see, I'm censoring myself now.
I was going to say in closing, Heil Hitler as a joke.
I was going to say that as a joke.
It would be, that's funny, but I can't, I can't even do it like because of my own fucking, they're going to, this podcast will be a transcript and somebody's going to read it back one day without any of the inflection or without any of the humor.
Being Funny on Thanksgiving 00:03:41
And they're going to be like, did you say Heil Hitler?
After a long complaint about, I mean, it's going to be like, that's what's terrifying about the transcription of the fucking podcast.
They're going to read it back.
There's going to be some dry, you know, person from the Ministry of Information reading it back to you.
And you're like, no, when I said it, it was funny.
No, when I said it, it was funny.
It was a joke.
They're going to be like, well, you know, well, why is this funny?
It's like, well, it's not funny when you say it.
Brazil, the great Terry Gilliam film Brazil.
Watch it.
It's a fun movie.
And that makes me think of that.
You know, the Ministry of Information, you know, this, this wild bloated government and all this, you know, all these rules and regulations that we all have to follow.
Will we have an episode out before Thanksgiving?
No, right?
This is a Thanksgiving episode.
Yeah, yeah.
So, yeah, this is going to be our Thanksgiving episode.
Hey, everybody, happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I hope you enjoy it.
You know, I hope you go back to your, You know, it's important to go and see the people that ruined your life.
It's important to look at them.
They poisoned you.
They fed you Wendy's.
They didn't teach you anything about managing money.
They didn't push you to get into a good school.
They let you go to some state school.
They didn't provide you with the emotional or psychological resources so you became a drug addict, sex fiend, booze hound.
You know, but it's important to go back and sit down with them, eat some turkey, you know, and see where it's at.
And I mean that.
These are the people that you're close to.
I mean, it is what it is.
Everybody wishes they could go back and do it all over again, but you can't.
You know?
So just enjoy it.
And maybe you're going back to people that really did the right thing by you.
That's fun too.
You're lucky.
No matter where you are, you're lucky.
Even if you were adopted by foster parents and they just beat the shit out of you every day and burn you with lit cigarettes, you're lucky.
Got to say to yourself, you're lucky.
No matter what happened.
Somewhere Johnny Gosh is sitting there going, I'm lucky.
He is.
You know, we're all lucky.
For those real fucking fans of the show, you'll know who a guy named Paul Banassi is.
Paul Banassi was this guy who was tortured endlessly, sexually molested by, you know, I don't know, everyone in the country.
Like the guy had a horrible fucking childhood.
Watch who took Johnny if you haven't seen it.
And Paul Banassi was on Facebook one day just complaining about cell phone service.
He was shooting on T-Mobile.
So it made me think: no matter what happens to any of us in this fucking country, we're all just going to end up on Facebook complaining about our cell phone carrier.
There's nowhere else to go.
And that's the true sign of a healthy and vital nation.
That no matter what they do to you, they can kidnap you, fuck you, torture you, split all your personalities off.
And at the end of the day, you go right back to the book and you start yelling your head off about T-Mobile.
Happy Thanksgiving and good luck.
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