The Tim Dillon Show - 176: 176 - The Florida Project

Dec. 1, 2019 - The Tim Dillon Show

01:57:20

176: 176 - The Florida Project

# ty rivera the helm sam tripley chelsea manning comedy career dive bars fred koch greg johnson hollywood industry lgbtq issues lisas lounge marge media censorship milo yiannopoulos monique netflix no deal

Tim ponders the move to Florida, relays his Malibu Thanksgiving nightmare, trashes The Irishman, and remembers the people of a great Long Island dive bar from which he came from. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Black Friday Walmart Stampede 00:03:38
	Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
	Popcorn boxes, pops, and candy wrappers.
	Mm, they all taste so good.
	Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
	Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
	Welcome to the Tim Dylan Show, everybody, Black Friday special.
	It's the Black Friday special.
	We're offering an exclusive Patreon deal.
	$5 a month will get you an extra episode every week.
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	Major world.
	This is, there used to be a, there's a big car dealership in New York City on Northern Boulevard in Queens.
	I used to live a few blocks away, and they'd be like, and what they would do is they would get cars that people literally were like they were in an accident and they would just be like literally wiping the blood off a Nissan Altima and they would bring it on the lot and they'd be like, major world, come on down.
	These deals are so hot.
	And it's just all cars that, you know, drug dealers, you know, they would go to like police auto auctions and buy it or whatever.
	It was just, it was wild.
	It is Black Friday.
	I didn't go shopping today and get anything.
	You know, last night I was, we're going to tell a whole story about where I was last night, but one of my favorite moments last night was some guy at a bar going like this, going, hey, it's Black Friday.
	We should go to Target.
	And then everybody else at the bar turning around and going, yeah, yeah, we should go to Target.
	And I was like, that's not a half bad idea.
	He's like, I think it's a great idea.
	What are you going to, you know, go in there?
	Is it even, is Black Friday even still a thing?
	Do people, I know that I've defended Black Friday because like, I know that a lot of like, you know, upper middle class people look down on it, but there are people out there that fucking need deals.
	So it is what it is.
	And they, you know, they need to go out and fucking, you know, swing a bike lock around so they could grab a fucking microwave and fucking run out of Walmart.
	It is what it is.
	There are people that are in that circumstance.
	So I've always defended like, and I know it's crass and, you know, is, you know, it's vulgar and it's, you know, it's everything that's wrong with America, but it's like, you know, as long as we're all living in this system, we might as well take advantage of its dwindling benefits.
	And one of them would be, you know, at 2 a.m. going in and fucking, you know, going into a fucking Target mosh pit and pulling out a few fucking, you know, toasters or whatever you get.
	I don't know.
	A few, a few backpacks for the kids.
	I don't know what Target even sells, but I would imagine they have those things.
	You know, I mean, we used to grow up, you would see some, there was a stampede, I think, in Long Island.
	There was a stampede and I'm pretty sure it was a Walmart.
	And then everybody was like, we have to do some soul searching because of the stampede at a Walmart.
	I believe, look when that stampede happened because I'm pretty sure it was around the time we were kidnapping people and torturing them in underground prisons that no, and no one had an issue with that.
	But it was the Black Friday stampede that really got 2014, it looks like.
	Was it 2014?
	I guess it was.
	But I mean, people used to, but I don't even think, now there's Cyber Monday and there's other opportunities.
Target Soul Searching After Chaos 00:15:05
	What a Thanksgiving I had last night.
	Let me tell you.
	Let me tell you, folks.
	If you don't have a family, you should be legally prohibited from celebrating Thanksgiving because it's really not for you.
	And I said to a friend of mine, because you're both going to be in LA.
	Now, I could have flown home to be with my family, but I chose not to because I'm going to be back in town for Christmas.
	And I'm like, I just, I'm on planes all the time.
	I just can't do it.
	I just can't make it happen.
	So I was in LA and I said to a friend of mine, I'm like, why don't we go out to dinner?
	Which is, you never go out on Thanksgiving.
	You never, ever go out on Thanksgiving.
	You do not leave your fucking house ever on Thanksgiving.
	I don't know why I forgot that.
	I don't know why that didn't.
	For whatever reason, that idea didn't register.
	I'm like, well, I'm in LA and things are different.
	But you don't.
	You sit on your couch and you fucking eat stuffing and you listen to your aunt talk about QAnon.
	What you don't do is fucking travel.
	You just don't do it.
	It's just not what you should do.
	And I forgot that.
	And I was looking at places that have Thanksgivings and I find this place in Calabasas, which is where like the Kardashians live.
	It's out by Malibu.
	It's about an hour from my home in West Hollywood.
	It's about a solid hour.
	It's out there in the canyons with Kanye and fucking, you know, there's big houses out there.
	And, you know, go fuck your mother money.
	And they have this place called the Saddle Peak Lodge.
	And the Saddle Peak Lodge, Rogan loves it.
	It looks like it's got big moose heads and elk.
	And, you know, it's a fucking lodge.
	You know, it looks exactly what you think, you know, some Illuminati, you know, Mason Lodge would look like.
	And it's in Calabasas and supposedly, you know, oh, it's good food or whatever.
	So I'm like, oh, we'll do it.
	And it was hard to get in because LA's got a lot of people that came to LA and for whatever reason, they're still in LA and they are just, they go out to dinner because they're either older or, I mean, we were looking around.
	We got to this restaurant.
	First of all, it's an hour.
	It's raining.
	It's torrential rain.
	We get into an Uber.
	My friend shows up at my house.
	We get into a fucking Uber.
	It's torrential rain.
	It's 56 minutes in torrential rain in an Uber.
	And by the way, it's not, it's through canyons and up mountain.
	It's crazy.
	We think, and there's people that are, and we got a late reservation.
	It's 6.45.
	So the people on the road are already drunk.
	They're already coming back from things hammered.
	So like the guy's stopping and she's swerving in and out of lanes just to avoid these people that are shit faced and left their fucking family party.
	So we're heading to this fucking, we're heading to this lodge in the middle of fucking nowhere to have a Thanksgiving.
	We get there.
	We get there.
	And by the way, when I say this place is hidden, it's an understatement.
	It is dark.
	You cannot see anything.
	My friend is mad.
	My friend who I love, but he's like, he's a pouty bitch.
	Like he's pouty.
	He's one of these guys who doesn't tell you he's angry.
	He pouts.
	He's got the frame of a woman.
	He fucks a lot of hot checks, but he's got the frame of, not now, he's got a girlfriend, but he's got the frame of a woman and he acts very womanly.
	And, you know, he pouts.
	He pouts.
	He whines.
	He whines and pouts, you know?
	And so he's like already whining and pouting.
	So as soon as we get into the fucking Uber, it's a problem.
	It's so far away.
	It's all right.
	All right.
	You know it's far away.
	We get there.
	There is an ambulance outside.
	There's a stretcher outside.
	I walk in.
	I tell them, I said, we have a reservation for two for $6.45.
	The Maitreye or the whatever, she goes, okay, we're having a little issue here because there's two ambulances outside and a stretcher.
	And I said, oh, that's good.
	I'm having an issue too.
	It's called Thanksgiving dinner and it's at 6.45 for two people.
	That would be my issue.
	And I'm glad that you're having an issue, but let's all have the issues together.
	Let me have.
	She, I'm not taking no shit, is what I'm saying.
	If you're killing people with your food and they're leaving in stretchers, that's clearly not my issue.
	Now, many of the people in NLA, because they are demons from hell, agree with me.
	And they are now mad that their tables are not ready.
	And an uncomfortable amount of people are now cluttered around the Maitri D.
	And we don't give a fuck and we do not care at all.
	So the EMTs come in, they bring down this 90-year-old woman who's bombed, who's just the white Zen hitter or whatever.
	And she's asleep and they put her on the stretcher and they take her out.
	By the way, this is great.
	Thanksgiving, you just show up to the restaurant and somebody's leaving in a stretcher.
	It's a great welcome.
	Happy Thanksgiving.
	So we get there.
	There's this old woman on a stretcher, hammered asleep.
	Okay.
	And we're having none of it because we've all been waiting 15 or 20 minutes.
	We're having none of it.
	Okay.
	We're mad at this woman.
	We're judging her.
	Somebody else goes, I bet she's just drunk.
	And I'm like, I bet she is too.
	She's just, this 90-year-old woman came here and she got shit faced.
	And now she's got, you know, whatever.
	She fell asleep at the table or whatever.
	So I go to the, so after they clear the 90-year-old woman out, I go back to the hostess and go, listen, there's clearly a table open now, right?
	I mean, there's clearly, I mean, she's out.
	So, and she goes, well, I don't know if her party is going to leave.
	And I go, you, you don't know if her party is leaving?
	They're going to sit there.
	One of them just got taken out in a stretcher and they're going to sit there and eat cranberry sauce?
	Kick them out.
	Get them out of here.
	And she goes, well, I don't know if they're leaving, but we'll see.
	Don't worry.
	We're going to set the table shortly.
	It's like amazing to me.
	Some guy's in there with a service dog, a little collie who's running around with a service.
	And I said, I said to my friend Michael, I said, God help them.
	I said, if this food is not good, I am going to leave in a stretcher.
	Because the reality is, there's no Ubers.
	I was like, there's no way an Uber is going to, we're fucked.
	And I'm genuinely going to call an ambulance to leave if I have to.
	I'm dead serious.
	No part of me is kidding.
	I'm like, I will call an ambulance and give a fake name like I've done many times before.
	And I will kick the door open and jump out of the ambulance and leave.
	Okay.
	And my Michael's getting a little uncomfortable because he knows I'm not, I'm not, no part of me is kidding.
	So we finally sit down in this fucking lodge and we're looking around.
	And I mean, it is, it is the damned.
	It is the damned in this place.
	People without families, older people.
	There's like a mom with two older daughters.
	You can tell the dad just died.
	Like they're very sad.
	And you could tell the dad just died.
	There's a table of like older people.
	One guy, one guy literally says loudly to the whole table of people, he goes, I wasn't supposed to be here.
	So that's the, that's the mood everyone's in.
	Some people are leaving in stretchers.
	So everyone knows that they're there because they failed at whatever.
	You're supposed to be in a home with family.
	You're not supposed to be in this lodge.
	Now, now to top it off, the food is also atrocious, which is great.
	It's Thanksgiving catering hall food.
	It's just bad.
	It's just not good.
	I'm sure it's a decent restaurant when it's normal.
	So I'm like, the food sucks.
	And of course, my friend, there's this new thing where people start defending the restaurant now.
	Like this happens a lot.
	People now, like when I'll comment on something, people start defending the rest.
	Like my friend Michael's like, you know, it's very hard to make food for this amount of people.
	I'm like, well, then do it for free if it's that hard.
	We're all paying money for this.
	Figure out a way to do it.
	I mean, this is grotesque.
	One guy just literally yells at the top of his lungs.
	I swear to God, in the middle of the day, he goes, It's not hot.
	And then he's with some chicks.
	She goes, I like it cold.
	And he goes, well, I don't.
	I want it hot.
	It's Thanksgiving.
	So the poor manager goes over to their table.
	And this guy, I wish I had a photo of him.
	He was just, he was the same guy that said, I wasn't even supposed to be here.
	He's having a full-on breakdown because this is his life.
	It is bad.
	It is Thanksgiving.
	And we're in the middle of a rainstorm in this fucking hunting lodge.
	And he's at this table of people and no one cares about anybody.
	And there's no love.
	And all we want is the food to be fucking hot.
	Just make it hot.
	And he calls the manager over and he goes, listen, he goes, I want it hot.
	It isn't hot.
	You swear to God.
	He goes like this to the manager.
	He goes, put your finger in it.
	The manager's like, I don't want to touch it.
	I believe you.
	The manager's like, I believe you.
	The guy's like, no, touch it.
	The guy takes the manager's finger and he puts it in the stuffing.
	And the manager goes, yeah, that is cold.
	He goes, so the manager now, the poor manager is shot.
	Everybody here is shot.
	It is a rainstorm.
	It is nasty.
	We finally get through dinner.
	It's not good.
	You know, one of the waitresses was an older woman.
	She was funny.
	We're kind of kidding around with her.
	And at the end of the meal, I go to try to call an Uber and there are no cars available.
	There are no cars.
	So we are in Malibu.
	We're in a canyon.
	There are no cars.
	There is no way to leave now.
	We now cannot leave.
	And so we finally get an Uber.
	He's like, you know, I don't know, 30 minutes away.
	I mean, it's ridiculous.
	He's like 17 minutes away.
	He finally arrives and I don't know where he is now.
	So I call him.
	And this is the thing that Uber drivers, where they can't hear you, but I think they can hear you.
	And they just keep saying hello.
	Like, I was like, where are you?
	And he's like, hello?
	I'm like, where are you?
	I forget his name.
	It was like Armine.
	I'm like, Armine, where are you?
	He's like, ho.
	I'm like, Armine.
	He goes, I am at the place.
	I'm like, you're not here, Armine.
	You're not anywhere.
	So now I am in the middle of a canyon in the rain.
	I've left the restaurant.
	I'm walking up a block in the rain, about to get fucking pummeled by a mountain lion, screaming into my phone, Armine, where are you?
	I'm getting wet.
	Armine, I'm wet.
	So Armine just hangs up and cancels the ride, which I get charged $13 for.
	And then I get fucked, got to go to Uber and be like, okay, the guy didn't show up.
	The guy's nowhere to be found.
	So we go back in this place.
	We go back in the place.
	We're now sitting at the bar.
	And then this place also attracts just, there's a type of rich person in California who's very earthy and like they're old hippies and their parents were hippies, but they have a lot of money and they inherited these big houses in like Laurel Canyon or Malibu or whatever.
	And me and Ben have been to some of these houses and they're like, you know, and these people look like shit, but they're loaded.
	And they're all sitting at the bar.
	And that's the guy that goes, you know, we should all go to Target.
	I'm like, that's not a half bad idea.
	It is Black Friday.
	So finally, we call over the Maitri D.
	We go, can we get a cab?
	So she calls a cab.
	The cab is an hour away.
	So we have to sit.
	We're sitting now at the bar.
	Now, you think the people in the dining room are damned?
	You have no idea.
	The group of the crew that is at the bar on Thanksgiving at this hunting lodge.
	Okay.
	One guy is literally, literally just talking about cancer to no one.
	He's sitting at the bar and just talking about different kinds of cancer.
	And every now and then the bartender nods and fills up his glass.
	And he's just going on.
	He's like, yeah, my sister, there's Hodgkins.
	There's non-Hodgkin.
	It's just, and then me and Michael there.
	Michael's, of course, being a pouty bitch.
	He's like, you know, it's a lot of money.
	This was a lot of money.
	You know, he's being a cunt and you want to just hold off and smack him in the face, you know?
	And we're waiting there.
	We're waiting there.
	Finally, the cab comes.
	This is now, we get in the cab.
	Now it's a solid hour to get to the comedy store in the rain, in the traffic and the rain.
	And we're in a cab, $100 to get back to West Hollywood.
	The whole night, the dinner was 30.
	The Uber out there was 100 and the Uber back was $100.
	So it was a $500 night.
	The food was horrific.
	It was just maybe one of the worst experiences we've ever had.
	The room full of people.
	We were all aware of how we looked at each other like, yep, and just gulped because we knew why we were there.
	We were there because we had made choices that led us away from the warmth of others.
	We've made choices that have led us in the other direction of the embrace of our loved ones.
	We had gone the other way.
	And now we're sitting in this fucking hunting lodge eating cold lobster bisque that's not even lobster bisque.
	It's literally butternut squatch soup that they just threw lobster in.
	It's literally, I brought the waitress over.
	I go, this is butternut squat soup.
	She just starts laughing.
	She goes, yeah, that's what it is.
	I'm like, you can't, what are you doing?
	Okay.
	I just, you shouldn't leave your home on Thanksgiving.
	Christmas, you can go out.
	Christmas is different.
	Christmas has a different vibe.
	There are people that go out for Christmas.
	It's split up into two nights, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
	So some people will go out on Christmas Eve or some people go out on Christmas Day and they do the family the other night and some people have Jujay.
	Thanksgiving, if you are in a restaurant, you are damned.
	You are absolutely 100% damned.
	That is it.
	You have made poor choices and this is the, and it's sad.
	It's very, very sad, you know?
	And it really just, it fucking really made me think in that cab on the way back.
	And then my friend Michael goes to sleep.
	He just starts, he sleeps the whole ride back because, you know, he's like, I have trouble getting up in the morning.
	So I just have to sleep.
	So I'm alone.
	I have no one to talk to.
	No service.
	There's no service.
	And it's just the rain.
	And we're just driving through this canyon and we're in traffic.
	And I look at all the other cars and I imagine they have families in them, families whose tummies are all full with Thanksgiving food.
	And I'm coming.
	Now I'm like hungry again because it's two hours into it.
	So I go to the comedy store.
	I start eating cold pizza in the kitchen of the comedy store with a waitress.
	I'm like, this is, I mean, how much worse could does this get?
	How much worse does this get?
	And then I'm on stage having like a lackluster set, being like, yeah, trying to make this funny.
Nostalgia For Times Never Lived 00:09:16
	And the crowd's like, well, you don't think it's funny.
	I'm like, what's wrong with you?
	Why are you out?
	It's fucking Thanksgiving.
	Here's another thing, folks.
	I watched The Irishman.
	Does anyone in this business die?
	Does anyone walk the fuck away when they need?
	Can you just get up and walk away from the table?
	I know they're all legends.
	I know they've done a million things, but that movie sucks.
	It is boring and it sucks.
	And I love everybody out on social media, like defending its honor.
	It's all these people that are in love with the past and they can't let it fucking go.
	And it's never the people that live through it.
	It's never the people that were like actually there.
	It's like fucking people that like idolize mobsters, even though they work at Geico and they have no fucking idea.
	And they think in their lurid imaginations, they run some card game with Jimmy and Nikki.
	And these people just fucking, they love the past.
	And you're like, I hate all the new movies.
	I'm not going to, I don't like them.
	They're all about babies.
	All these new movies are about babies.
	They're about, you know, I like when men were men, you know, and that people used to smoke and smack women in the face, you know?
	It's such a fucking, first of all, the first scene of the movie, they're all CGI because they're all the so the so these are all older actors like Pesci and De Niro, and they CGI them to make them look younger.
	So you, it's just a bunch of CGI corpses for the first thing in the movie.
	I know so many talented people that can't afford water.
	And it's just the same people over and over again.
	It's like you couldn't make a mob movie.
	You couldn't make this movie.
	But the whole thing is it's just a fucking money grab.
	They're like, well, it's Corsesia.
	We're going to make it with Keitel and De Niro and Pacino and Pesci.
	And they're all old.
	And it's like, it's just not good.
	It's drawn out.
	It's long.
	And people are just fucking, you know.
	And now people are getting really testy about it.
	Like people are adopting the Irishman as like, you know, this.
	They're like, it's a masterpiece.
	These are legends.
	And oh, you don't like it because what?
	It's, you don't like it because you're a cuck with your cat videos.
	You don't like the Irishman.
	It's like, guys, we saw it already.
	It was called Goodfellas.
	It was better.
	It was shorter.
	There's a movie called Hoffa already.
	We saw that.
	We did it.
	We're done with these kind of movies where it's like a narrator is explaining like, hey, this is Tony.
	You know, the first time I met Tony, I was at the speakey.
	And good for Sebastian and Jim Norton, guys that I think are amazing.
	They're in it great.
	But it's just like, let's move the fuck on.
	Let's stop.
	And I see these people on social media that are really, that are really loving the movie.
	And it's, you know, it's not like it's people that like think they, they, that if they were alive in that time, they'd be like part of the rat pack.
	And it's like, no, you wouldn't be part of the rat pack.
	You'd be a guy who one of these guys would embarrass and like hit in the back of the head with a butt of a gun.
	So this fantasy land you live in, where you think you're like, you know, you think you're Dean Martin.
	It's not the case.
	It's a boring fucking movie.
	And the people that like it can't understand or appreciate that we've moved the fuck on.
	We've moved on from this enough already.
	I like it because it's the old world.
	And you see the way that the people used to be in the old world, they're legends.
	You know, smoking jackets and Cadillacs.
	Shut the fuck up.
	Go back to your cubicle at Geico.
	Enough, you fucking clown.
	You think you're some fucking Vegas mobster.
	Some fucking, yeah, you know, connect the guys.
	You know, connect the guys.
	It's just such a Long Island fucking Jersey movie.
	A bunch of fucking people that think they're connected to the mafia because their dumb uncle went to jail once because he was used as a fucking patsy.
	And they think they're somehow in the mob and they all fucking have, you know, good fellas and scarface posters on their room on their walls.
	And they're 38 years old.
	They live with their mother and they're waiting for her to fall down the stairs so they can inherit a fucking house.
	And they think they're like Jimmy Hoffa.
	They think they're like a real street guy.
	You know, oh, the Irishman's good.
	That's a great movie.
	You know, you're my cousin.
	You know, because this is one of those movies where like everybody will tell their, like, I grew up in a town with legit mafia people.
	And that had, and it informed it the way I grew up to an extent.
	But it's like, I don't romanticize any of that horse shit.
	It's cool.
	The food was good.
	But it's like, well, can we stop?
	Can you cut it out, please?
	You're a fucking grown-up.
	Enough with the playtime.
	Like, you fucking have any clue.
	The Irishman.
	Seven hours.
	I showered in the middle of it.
	I didn't even stop it.
	I showered.
	I did laundry.
	It was in and out of the room.
	It's so long.
	It's so long.
	And then they have this scene where it's not a scene, but it's like the after thing with Scorsese and they're all talking about like making the movie and stuff like that.
	It's like Scorsese, how about stepping out of your fucking comfort zone?
	Make a movie about black trans women.
	Why don't you impress me?
	Stop making movies about these fucking goons.
	We get it.
	How about you show that you got a little fucking range?
	Make a movie about babies who grow up to be gangsters.
	I mean, enough already.
	Dennis, who I've talked about on the show, Life in the Big City, loved these movies.
	He loved all that.
	And I get it because they had a place and he grew up and he knew the guys and he knew the place.
	He knew Henry Hill.
	He knew those guys.
	They lived in the town that I grew up.
	But the people that are really identifying with the Irishman are not people that had any fucking clue what was going on during that time at all.
	They did nothing.
	No fucking idea.
	They just romanticize it because they think that if they had lived then, boy, it would have been real, real, real different, you know?
	They would have been really fucking running the show.
	They'd be really running the table.
	You know?
	A little insane.
	I just see all these people.
	Oh, yeah, all these people don't like the Irishman.
	It's an objectively bad movie.
	It's boring.
	It's objectively bad.
	Have you seen it yet?
	Yeah, it's such a waste for people are like, oh, Pesci came out of retirement.
	It's like, no, he should have stayed in it.
	He did the right thing.
	Go back to retirement and let somebody else have a shot.
	Let someone have a chance.
	Let somebody else please have a chance.
	Please.
	We don't need this.
	What are we going to be doing?
	Are we going to just animate their dead bodies?
	Is that going to be the next movie that we make when they're literally dead?
	I don't understand.
	They're all on death's door.
	They've had great lives and great careers.
	They've done amazing things.
	Let them be.
	Nobody needs this.
	But it is a big moneymaker because it's the boomers love it.
	Boomers love it.
	So whatever.
	That's my piece on the Irishman.
	I know that people give me flack for that.
	And I know people get angry.
	It did well.
	What did it make?
	140 mil?
	Well, that's the budget.
	That's the budget.
	It was $140 million.
	Jesus.
	That was all spent on colostomy bags for the talent so they could piss themselves and they don't have to stop filming.
	You know, enough already.
	Had enough.
	These fucking people.
	You know, you go on social media.
	It's the same people.
	It's like, Susie Benedetto's like, I love the Irishman.
	It's such a great.
	That's when things made sense.
	Yeah, did they?
	Did they?
	How about you go make a lasagna, you Neanderthal?
	How about you go, it does, it does make sense.
	I like those.
	Yeah, that time when women were not on Facebook, they were making ravioli.
	So go back to that.
	How about you follow the example of the Irishman and shut the fuck up and get back in the kitchen?
	If you like that time so much, how about you follow the rules and stop opining about culture?
	We don't need it, Marianne.
	We don't need it.
	Don't make a meatloaf.
	I just, you know, it's this, the people are like nostalgic for periods of time that they didn't even fucking live through.
	This 1950s horse shit where everything was so good, but we were, you know, sicking dogs on black kids trying to go to school.
	You know, like, well, what I get it.
Disney Plus Cultural Lunacy 00:02:48
	Modernity sucks.
	It has its problems, but let's stop jerking off the past every fucking.
	It's the sign of a dead society that we're jerking the past off all the time.
	And can someone show up to the nuke set of mad about you with a gun and tell Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt that have enough fucking money that nobody, Murray's dead, the dog's dead.
	Nobody needs that shit show again.
	That wasn't good when it was on the air.
	Mad about you.
	How empty are people's lives that they need this shit?
	Well, what's Frasier Crane been doing?
	What the fuck is wrong with you?
	Get a life.
	These people, who is this for?
	Disney Plus.
	What are you doing?
	Watching The Little Mermaid?
	You're a 38-year-old man.
	Stop reading Harry Potter in public.
	You're an adult.
	Enough.
	I mean, this Disney Plus lunacy.
	If you have kids and you want to show them these things, I get it.
	But, you know, the amount of, you know, Jared Logan had a great point.
	He's like, Disney is the first culture you're exposed to.
	It's not supposed to be the last.
	You're not supposed to go, well, I'm just going to stay here.
	All those movies I saw when I was three, that's where I'll stay.
	I just want to watch the Lion King on loop.
	When I was on a tour bus, I had these couple that came on my tour bus and they hated New York City.
	They really didn't like it.
	New York's not for everyone, but, you know, this woman and her husband, they hated New York City.
	They were two, you know, blobs and they came in and they sat down and they had Disney shirts on and they go, you know, we were going to take a Disney cruise.
	We take a Disney cruise every year.
	But this time we decided to go to New York and they go, we just, we didn't really like it.
	We didn't enjoy it.
	They go, the one thing we did enjoy was the Lion King.
	They go, we saw the Lion King play and that was nice.
	We don't like anything else.
	We, we just don't like it.
	We don't, you know, and I'm like, well, they go, we just want to go to Disney World.
	And I said, well, why do you like Disney World?
	And they go, well, it's just the best place on earth.
	You don't have any responsibilities.
	I'm like, but that's not life, right?
	I mean, I said to them, I go, well, that's not life, right?
	I mean, that's for children.
	Children have no responsibilities because they're children, but you're adults, right?
	So no matter where you are, you have some responsibilities, right?
	And they're like, well, no, you know, in Disney World, you just totally, you know, you have no responsibility.
	It's just, it's the best place on earth.
	And like, you could say, you could tell that like every question I asked was making them angrier because I was like, I was, it was an assault to them because they were very happy in their living coma.
	And they just wanted, they were just like, no, I just want to be taking pictures with Mickey on the Disney cruise.
	You know, you could tell this was a couple that like held hands that had never seen each other's genitals and, you know, had probably, you know, it's sick.
	It's a sickness.
Parenting Failures And Responsibility 00:02:17
	This is a disease.
	Disney is a disease.
	It's enough.
	And they suck.
	These movies don't hold up.
	I tried to watch Lady in the Tramp the other day.
	It sucks.
	And it used to be great.
	But you know why?
	It was a kid.
	It doesn't really hold up.
	I do like the Siamese cat scene.
	That is good still because I like them.
	And I like the way that they kind of, yeah, you know, that I like.
	That holds up.
	Certain films do hold up.
	Song of the South holds up.
	That is a really, that's a joke.
	That's a joke, everyone.
	Don't get excited.
	Put the torch down.
	Put the torch down.
	Put your citronella candle out.
	Don't get too excited.
	Just kidding.
	It's comedy.
	I just kept tweeting yesterday funny things and so many people thought I was here.
	Like I tweeted, I said, you know, we let my six-year-old cousin say grace, and he came out as non-binary, and he called my grandfather a colonizing pig.
	Fun start to dinner.
	And then there were people that are like, he was put up to, like, they don't, they can't read that I'm a comedian on Twitter.
	They don't, they're like, he was put up to this.
	No six-year-old.
	And I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ.
	People can't get a joke.
	I said, one, I said, some of the tweets really funny.
	I go, I said, like, I said, you know, my, my aunt, my uncle, I'll just, I'll just, I'll read some of these tweets because the amount of people that thought they were real tweets and then, you know, were attacking me, going, I don't believe you.
	Or, you know, some of those people are trolls, but some of them legitimately, they're like, they, they literally think that I'm literally, you know, talking about real things that happened.
	Okay, quick update on holiday.
	My grandmother just called a restaurant Oriental and now we're beating the shit out of you.
	Now we're beating the shit out of her.
	And then people were like responding to that.
	There was one where I said, wow, this got awkward real quick.
	My aunt and uncle, who are brother and sister, are full on fucking in the living room and we're all pretending they left to get beer.
	This is a wild one, LOL.
	We're never going to let them live this down.
	The six-year-old cousin one was great.
	I just love some of the responses.
	Yeah, it was a setup.
	The parents were involved.
	Colonizing, are you British?
Manscaped Ads And Holiday Updates 00:11:08
	It's great.
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	Go to the, let's find the, yeah, listen to this.
	This is, disrespect is rampant in today's youth, more so than at any other time.
	It's a direct reflection of the failure that is today's parenting.
	My son would have would have his lips slapped off if he talked to his grandfather that way.
	12 likes on that response.
	That's a guy with a great sense of humor.
	And then you read these responses and you go, oh, no, it's not going to be okay.
	We're not going to find this political solution to whatever these issues are because that's the public.
	That's John Q Public.
	Those are the people out there that you're going to have to convince of the things that you want to do.
	Those are the people.
	The people that are responding to my clear, what was clearly a joke in a very serious way.
	Support for the Tim Dylan show comes from Manscaped and from viewers like you.
	Let's remember that from like PBS when you were a kid.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	You know, Channel 13, they would do those drives and they'd be like, support for the Children's Public Television Network comes from the Helena Rubinstein Foundation, Halliburton, you know, Raytheon.
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	So I emailed Manscaped and I said, we got a big problem here.
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	And then they emailed me back and they were like, we'll send you a free ball deodorizer.
	So I said, all right, fine.
	I still got those.
	I'm kidding, folks.
	What's good about Manscaped is you don't cut your dick off.
	A lot of these things, you know, sometimes before you hook up with somebody, you just try to get your dick ready and you try to just shave your area and you're doing it very quick and there's a lot of pressure, you know.
	And it's like, Ben has one girlfriend, so it's kind of different when you just have one girlfriend you've had forever.
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	They're like Oregon Trail relationship.
	You know, they just travel around the country in a wagon and all of their kids have died of smallpox.
	But like the rest of you, you're out there, you meet new people and they haven't seen your dick before.
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	I get hair on my dick.
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	Shave your cock at the at the holiday table in front of everyone.
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	Stop with the toxic masculinity of not shaving your dick in front of your friends and your male relatives.
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	Have manscaped parties.
	Call a bunch of buddies and go, hey, we're all going to put a bucket in the middle of the room to collect everybody's pubes.
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	It was like that dumb little face.
	Was magnetic, and you would take a little magnet and you would like drag the hair to the beard.
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	Like, thing like, yeah, this thing.
	What's it called?
	The play monster?
	Wooly-wooly.
	Yeah, things like that.
	So you just, you tell all your buddies, you go, let's have a woolly woolly, woolly-willy party.
	And they go, what do you mean?
	And you go, it's a woolly-willy party.
	We all shave each other's dicks.
	We collect the pubes in a bucket in the middle of the room.
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	You need the Manscaper.
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	What are you going to do out there?
	I'm literally asking you, what are you going to do?
	You got to get it together.
	You got to shave that area.
	So what are you going to do?
	You're going to get the Norelco body groom that's owned by Gillette.
	It's owned by Ira Rennert.
	He's got the most, he's got the largest private residence in the world of Sagaponic, New York.
	No.
	How about you help me out?
	Ira Rennard's fine.
	I don't even know if he's still alive.
	He's got the biggest house in the whole fucking country.
	He owns Gillette.
	Is Norelco owned by Gillette?
	Let's see.
	Get a fucking groomer.
	Maybe not.
	The point is this.
	Whoever owns Norelco is also doing better than me.
	Okay?
	So buy the Manscaped and Manscaped with your friends.
	You know, that's the type of Christian shit that you're afraid of because you were raised in a very small-minded environment where nobody shaved their cocks together.
	But that would be the best thing in the world for you is next Christmas, everybody to shave their balls and deodorize each other's balls.
	We're going to deodorize everyone's balls before dinner.
	Are your balls deodorized?
	If not, you're not coming into my house.
	Don't use the same trimmer on your face as you use on your balls.
	That's just nasty.
	Nasky.
	That's just nasty.
	It's like some southern, some swamp person.
	Don't use the same trimmer.
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	That's a white voice I'm doing.
	That's a southern white person.
	I'm thankful for their crop revival.
	This product, along with the crop preserver, keeps your balls from sticking to your leg.
	Okay.
	So do we have an ashtray here, please?
	What am I living like some fucking pig?
	Oh, this is great.
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	You know, this is what you do.
	You get the help you can afford.
	Manscaped.com.
	Where'd you get that from?
	Outside.
	Oh.
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	Tim, get the crop retriever and the ball replacer and the whatever it is.
	Get the crop circles and the fucking anti-chafing witch and the cock Alexa.
	Get it all.
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	Buy it all.
	One for six easy payments of $79.99.
	You can see your dick.
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	Ben's skinny, and he always says he talks about his big dick.
	It's like, you know, this is these are there are people that have not seen their penis in years.
	And you gotta, and because they're not taking proper care, it's like the secret garden down there, they don't know what's going on.
	So, get it, get the cock trimmer, and the beard trimmer, and the crop circle, you know, get it all, buy it all.
Overweight Men And Pubic Hair 00:15:31
	Don't start with me, Red Robin Yum.
	Thank you, manscape.com, promo code Tim.
	Um, some people found Lisa's Lounge, you said, on yeah, let me pull that up on TripAdvisor.
	I love that, by the way, TripAdvisor is a site.
	The idea that the bar that I used to get drunk in and throw my that many people have thrown their lives away in Lisa's Lounge in Long Island.
	The fact that anyone rated it on TripAdvisor, that someone took a trip and thought it was appropriate to rate Lisa's lounge to me.
	Like, imagine being that person.
	Imagine stumbling into a corner bar and then going home and writing a paragraph about it.
	I love, I love, and by the way, how many reviews on TripAdvisor does it have?
	Only two.
	What a strange, spooky night.
	Went here some years back to see a rather awful band.
	Truthfully, our pet.
	Well, by the way, I've never seen a band there.
	I have no idea.
	There's no place for anyone to play.
	There's really no place for anyone to play music.
	But they go, They go, our pal was filling in with them.
	Place was completely empty for Saturday night.
	Every 20 minutes, there were equipment failures.
	One old guy at the bar and a very nervous bartender because they're doing coke.
	Place was icy, cold, and spots.
	In the bathroom, you felt like somebody was watching you.
	After a while, we went.
	And then, so then they go down and they go, Oh, we were told that a guy was shot outside.
	Two people were shot outside.
	We called the double homicide.
	That was the nickname of the place.
	And the poor guy's body was dragged out the back door as the cops' ambulance arrived out of there.
	And no, we never returned.
	Although the drinks, food were good, they don't serve food.
	So this is how people are out, just so out of it.
	And then the next one, go down to the next one.
	The next one goes, not your normal neighborhood place.
	I don't know if they serve food here, but the place is dirty.
	I'll never go back.
	Dive bar.
	Real dive bar.
	You didn't get it that it was called Lisa's Lounge and it was on the corner in a residential area.
	It's clearly not a destination spot.
	You know, I love this place was dirty.
	I'll never go back.
	Yeah, that's the point.
	Go to Yelp.
	See if they have anything up on Yelp.
	I love Lisa's Lounge, and I spent Christmas in Lisa's Lounge, and I don't regret it at all.
	It was a lot funner than being at that goddamn fucking Mason Lodge, wherever the fuck I was in Malibu.
	And it was, you know, Lisa's Lounge is fun.
	There were about four or five people there on Christmas Eve, and me and my friend Joe had a great fucking time.
	Lisa's Lounge, three reviews on Yelp.
	Let's see.
	Upon coming back, this is a hidden gem, really.
	There's a pool table and a nice staff.
	If you're a veteran, they'll oblige you to a free beer.
	They're nice.
	Stop by sometime at this nice little dive.
	That's sweet.
	Good.
	Here's another one: decent little dive bar in Baldwin.
	Nice, cozy, good crowd close to home.
	Well, none of that show, but stop for a drink after lunch with a girlfriend to see the lovely Erica bartending.
	I ate a shrimp out of her mouth once.
	It was a dare, and I was drunk.
	We were also pleasantly surprised to see the bar nicely decorated for Christmas.
	It's really nice on Christmas.
	It really is nice.
	They really deck it out.
	They put lights all over the place.
	It really is a nice Christmas.
	If you want to make a nice Christmas memory, there was a woman named Marge once.
	Marge used to come in and shit herself.
	Marge was an old woman, and she would come in the bar and she would buy everyone drinks.
	She'd go, give the boys, the boys another round on me.
	And then her daughter would show up and have to take her out of there because she would get.
	And once she shit herself, and then everybody at the bar started laughing.
	And they were like, we think Marge shit herself.
	And she was like, she's like, she's, she's like, we were obviously not saying it to her face.
	She was an elderly woman, but she just started screaming at the top of her lungs.
	She goes, she goes, are you laughing at me, faggots?
	I just bought you a bunch of drinks and you're laughing at me, faggots.
	She goes, I should have my husband come down here and kick your ass.
	Husband's dead years ago.
	So her daughter comes in here and her daughter's like, Mom, you shit yourself.
	And so they carry Marge out.
	And as they're carrying her out, she's literally screaming at the top for a lung.
	Fuck you, faggots.
	You faggots.
	She's just screaming, which is why you can't really get rid of the word faggot because at that moment, there was really no other appropriate word for Marge to use because she was angry.
	She just shit herself.
	She had spent a year.
	She spent years and years and years of her life just imbibing alcohol.
	And at that moment, I guess she could have yelled the N-word, but we were all white.
	That would have been awkward.
	Also funny, but it was a perfect word.
	You never go up to a gay person and say faggot.
	That's fucked up.
	But Marge yelling faggots with her pants full of shit as her daughter and two guys had to walk her out of the bar, to me, is appropriate.
	And I would like to sit down with any of these kids at Oberlin or Wesleyan and explain to them, well, what word should Marge have used at that particular juncture?
	She had bought us drinks.
	It was somewhat cruel of us to laugh at her after she shit her.
	I mean, it was, we were kind of being faggots.
	I guess we should have just quietly, but we were just laughing.
	You know, we were kind of being county about the whole thing.
	And there didn't seem an appropriate word for Marge to use as she was carried out of Lisa's lounge.
	I think for the last time.
	I don't think she ever came back.
	The note, I believe this is a cash bar only.
	A good place for friends to hang out will definitely return.
	Quiet towny bar.
	Drinks are cheap.
	Love a good local dive.
	When I told my father I was hanging out here instead of my dad being like, oh, you have a problem?
	We should put you in a home or we should put you in rehab.
	He's like, you know, he looked at me and goes, son, such a boomer response.
	He goes, you know, son, like a dirtbag bar has played a role in every Dylan's life.
	Your uncle Tommy had a place called Buckley's.
	I used to go to a place called my father's place.
	Like he would just, you know, and I'm like, great, this is good.
	You know?
	It's like, son, you're following a long tradition of people that have made very bad choices in a very similar way to the ones you're making right now.
	Lisa's lounge.
	If you're in Baldwin, Long Island, stop in and have a pop.
	Have a cocktail.
	Many of the people I know are dead that, you know, I brought, did you come in there with me?
	Yeah, we went back, but I don't think you recognized anybody, right?
	No, because remember there was like a bunch of pictures on the wall of people that are that are now dead.
	Yeah.
	And you're like, whatever happened to Trevor?
	And you're like, they were like, yeah, throat cancer went in a year.
	Sue, Sue died.
	Yeah.
	They lived hard.
	These people lived very hard.
	They really didn't take care of themselves.
	Many of them chose the bar over their families and their, you know, it was, you know, alcoholism is very tough.
	That being said, It was a lot of fun.
	There was a time there when we had a really good time.
	When you just say to yourself, let's just make the best of it.
	Every now and then, somebody would stumble into that bar who didn't know what it was about.
	It was a place where you were unable to enjoy it ironically, which is great.
	Like, you know, every now and then, like, you'd see a hipster piece of shit walk in and try to enjoy it ironically, but you couldn't do that because it was a like there was a woman, Jen, who used to hang out there and she had those diabetic shoes, those big shoes.
	And she would walk in and she was in a group home, but she would get a day pass and then she would go out to Lisa's lounge and she was ill.
	She was mentally ill.
	So, again, you'd feel uncomfortable automatically, like immediately.
	If you came in there to just like, oh, it's such a dirty little dive bar.
	I'm just going to go in and have a little drink.
	Immediately, you would, you would be like, oh, this is really bad because all the horrors of the world were on full display as they should have been.
	Like, Jen, for example, one day, Jen came in.
	There was a newer bartender.
	And this was, this is a great story.
	Jen came in.
	I was there, and the newer bartender was there.
	And Jen walked in, and Jen goes, I'm having a party for the fire department here tonight.
	I need shafing dishes out.
	I need fucking, I need you to be ready.
	And the bartender was like, okay, all right.
	And I was just sitting there, me and a few other people were sitting there.
	We're all just kind of smiling, weren't really saying anything.
	And, you know, Jen walked in and she goes, we're having a party for the fire department.
	They're all coming here tonight.
	And the bartender was like, okay, that seems strange, but hey, it's a local bar.
	This is what local bars do.
	They support the local, you know, first responders.
	Okay.
	So Jen set up all the shafing dishes.
	And of course, the food never came because there was no food.
	And then the firefighters never came because that was also not real.
	But Jen just got bombed and played pool by herself and played music from the jukebox and didn't seem to mind that nobody was actually there.
	She didn't address it.
	She never brought it up and nobody brought it up.
	And then the bartender just obviously stopped asking when they were arriving because she realized pretty quickly that Jen was mentally ill.
	And in Jen's mind, the bar was full of firefighters and she was having a great time and throwing a party.
	So it wasn't a place where you could go and you had to be down with that.
	You had to be down with drinking with crazy Jen.
	You had to be down.
	Or crazy Patty, who came in.
	Crazy Patty had done some time in jail because she'd carved up another woman's face when they were children.
	Or maybe a man.
	I forget.
	But Patty, my grandmother taught Patty in like fourth grade or something.
	Patty had, and Patty's son called her once.
	Me and my friend Joe were there.
	And Patty's son called her, and Patty's son was like, Mom, and we heard, we heard Lim say this over the phone.
	He's like, Mom, I'm in Vegas.
	I think I took too much of something.
	Mom, I'm in Vegas.
	I think I took too much.
	And she just looked and she goes, All right, honey, I'll see you later.
	And just hung up the phone.
	And then me and my friend Joe did shots.
	You know, you had to be okay with that.
	If you weren't okay with it, if you were going to be the type of person that said, Is your son okay?
	You would have to leave.
	You would have to leave at that point.
	If you couldn't enjoy or just at least make peace with the fact that, you know, this was the way it was.
	So, like, you know, all these speakeasies, like these bars that try to market themselves as speakeasies, and all these fucking, you know, young professional millennials go there and they're like, ooh, this is what it was like to drink bathtub gin.
	You know, Lisa's lounge was a real horror show.
	Was a real Rob Zombie movie, and you had to be okay with that.
	And we were okay.
	I was okay with it.
	It didn't, I didn't mind, you know, my friend Julie, who I brought to Lisa's Lounge, who lived next to my friend Joe.
	And I said, Hi, Julie, how are you?
	What happened?
	You know, what, you know, I don't know why I asked her what happened because she said, My husband's in jail.
	And I said, Well, what happened?
	She goes, Well, let me give you the Reader's Digest version.
	And I said, Okay.
	And she goes, He came home one night.
	He was really on a panda.
	He tried to kill me.
	And then the cops got him three houses away.
	He was covered in my blood.
	If that bothered you, you couldn't hang out there.
	You had to say, Well, I'm glad things are going well today.
	Would you like a shot?
	And she always would want a shot.
	She was a fun woman.
	And you just had to be okay with that.
	But then every now and then, there'd be people that would stumble in because they thought that it was like a fun little dive-y bar for them to like, you know, just kind of ironically enjoy.
	But you couldn't ironically enjoy it because you were surrounded by people who were dead serious.
	Like it wasn't a crowd of people.
	Like these were people that were dead serious.
	There was a guy named Bobby and his wife Sally and she would spit a Syroquil or some drug into his beer every night.
	So he would literally pass out.
	And that's the only way she could drag him out of the bar that he would wake up the next day is because she had to drug him every night.
	And you would have to witness that and go, okay, okay.
	That's the way they live.
	You know, he choked once and Sally looked so happy because he was about to die.
	Literally, his name was Bobby Haja.
	He was like 50, but he looked 90 and he had a laugh like this.
	He'd go, and he had the glass, he had the glass shop next to the bar.
	And every now and then he'd laugh.
	He'd go, that's how he laughs.
	We call him Bobby Haja.
	He goes, and one night he almost died.
	And I mean, literally, I've never seen someone choke to the point where their air, their air was literally blocked, but he was so beat red.
	And it was at the point where he was no longer choking.
	He just started.
	And everyone at the bar was just kind of watching.
	Sally was just like, all right, he's done now, I guess.
	And then the bartender came up to his bartender, Tracy, and he goes, he finally, I don't know what the fuck happened.
	I think somebody smacked him on his back or whatever.
	And he just coughed up this like chicken wing, this chunk of meat that he'd been choking on.
	And as soon as he got enough air, he went like this.
	He went, and he started laughing.
	And Tracy goes, Bobby, are you okay?
	And he looked at her and goes, you got a fat ass.
	Now that was disturbing for a lot of people.
	And people couldn't have fun in that environment.
	A lot of people couldn't have fun in that environment.
	But I always thought it was fun and challenging.
	It's challenging morally.
	Was that the same crowd at the helm?
	Yeah.
	Well, the crowd at the helm, the helm was an old fisherman bar, and the helm had been around since like the 60s or 70s.
	And the helm had been flooded so many times that the floor was kind of warped.
	The wood had been warped.
	The helm had the best cheeseburger I've ever had.
	It's still the best cheeseburger I've ever had.
	And I always wondered why.
	I think it's because they never cleaned the grill.
	I asked a guy once, I said, why is this burger the best?
	He's like, because it's 3 a.m. and we're drunk.
	And I was like, well, that might be it.
	But it was really a great burger.
	If you're in Freeport, I don't know if it's the same.
	Go to the bar, get the burger, American cheese, sauteed onions.
	It's great.
	The helm had a very similar, there was a guy named Lou with the helmet hung out who didn't have a nose.
	He had a hole in the middle of his face because he snorted his nose off.
	It was the same type of people, but the helm was a little, people would more, People could kind of go to the helm and enjoy it because it was on the water, but not many of them.
	Like, you know, we're talking about a group, we're talking about like the difference between a person that's a lifer at a bar like this and a casual.
	And in Lisa's, it was very hard to be a casual.
Bar Regulars And Addiction Stories 00:08:08
	You know, you would really have to just resign yourself to what Lisa's lounge was, the power of the lounge.
	I just used to, my friends would call me and go, where are you?
	I go, I'm at the lounge.
	And then they would come.
	And my friends would always come and enjoy it because they're, I mean, they're dirtbags.
	My friends were dirtbags.
	I love them all, but they were dirtbags.
	So that's why they liked it.
	They thought it was great.
	But every now and then, the helm might get some people in there that were not that were just, you know, not aware of what it was and might have a drink, you know, on a Friday night at 6 p.m. and then leave and then go have dinner and not really get it.
	But the helm really came alive, you know, around, you know, midnight when it was just the people that really belonged there.
	And, you know, Joan, who was a great bartender, Joni, you know, there were fights at the helm.
	People would smash glasses over each other's heads.
	It was, you know, it's that type of place.
	It was just, you know, it was that type of crew, but a great burger.
	And many people have never spent any time in these bars.
	They've never spent time in bars like this, you know?
	Like Ryan, what's his name, Filippi Felipe?
	How do you pronounce that name?
	I'm not sure.
	He commented that he liked the last episode.
	I don't know if he listens a lot or he's like, a guy like that's probably not spent a ton of time in bars like this, you know?
	Like, you know, a guy that's like a good-looking Hollywood actor, yeah, he's probably not spent an inordinate amount of time in these blood boxes, nor should he have.
	I, I, you know, this is, this is, you know, but it's like there are people out there that just never true.
	And some of them will just go to a bar like this once.
	And they don't, they don't just settle into it and become a regular.
	To be a regular at a bar like this changes you a little bit.
	Because, you know, when I was growing up, like the thing about when I was growing up and doing a lot of drugs, you would like the type of poverty I saw had a lot to do with drugs.
	Like the people that didn't have money or they didn't have, and I'm not saying all poverty has to do with that.
	Most of it does not.
	So don't fucking, you know, tell me like, well, I'm saying that what I, because I was druggie, the situations that I got myself into, and, you know, when I would, when I would go and hang out at a, you know, a crack house or whatever you want to call it, a house where they were selling cocaine and, you know, three or four families were living in this little house.
	And, you know, you know, it was largely drugs and people just didn't have good jobs and they weren't saving for their retirement, you know, and none of that was happening because they were on drugs.
	They were selling drugs.
	They were, they were, you know, going out with somebody who sold drugs.
	This is how they were earning a living.
	It's how they were making money.
	And, and of course, there were, you know, people, you know, you, and there were kids around, and it was shitty.
	It was sad because a lot of those, a lot of those kids, you know, would bother you.
	They would just bought, we were all trying to do drugs.
	And a lot of these kids would just bother you all the time because children are very selfish.
	But it was also sad that, you know, they weren't going to have a shot at life, blah, blah, blah.
	But it is very.
	I didn't do it, but you would feel bad.
	You'd feel morally like, ugh, because you'd be doing Coke in a room.
	And then in another room, like somebody had a baby.
	And you're like, oh, that baby is not going to have a lot of advantages that that baby should have.
	You know, I mean, it's just.
	So, when you become a regular at these bars, you really see, you want to talk about like the middle class, you see what happens when people don't have a career, when they have a job, and when they don't make enough money, and they don't have a stable living situation, and they don't have any community of people.
	They find a community, and they're also an alcoholic.
	The community becomes the bar.
	They go out to the bar, they network at the bar.
	If somebody needs somebody to help them with something, if they need an apartment, they ask around at the bar.
	This becomes their group, you know?
	So being in these bars and spending time there and kind of becoming a regular there, I would see that.
	And I myself, you know, would, you know, I'd be like, hey, do you got a guy for this?
	You know, somebody who does this.
	It was like, these were people that, you know, unfortunately, some of them had kids, some of them had wives, but this is, you know, the choice that they made.
	They just spent a lot of time and their entire life revolved around their addiction and their addiction.
	Their addictions, you know, destroyed their lives and they destroyed their families and they destroyed their careers and they destroyed their communities.
	And unless you're a regular at a place like that, unless you see people over a span of time, it's hard to understand that.
	But it does give you kind of a good, and I was doing it myself.
	I'm not better than any of these people.
	I was doing the same fucking thing.
	I had a house I couldn't afford.
	It was being rapidly foreclosed on.
	I was not out of the closet yet.
	I wasn't dating anybody.
	I wasn't, my life sucked.
	I was just going to this, you know, decrepit mortgage office every day.
	And then what was I doing every single night?
	I talked to my friends about it and they were like, yeah, we just figured you were like figuring things out.
	I was like, well, good.
	Yeah, that's what was going on.
	And I mean, I was in a way, but, you know, I was there every single night.
	I was 20 fucking three years old, 23, 24.
	You know, I meet young people that are young and they're happy and they got shit going for them.
	They're trying, whatever it is, you know, I was 22 or 23 living the life of a 50-year-old guy, going to a dirtbag bar every night and just getting fucking hammered.
	And, you know, and but being a regular at a place like that really kind of gives you a perspective on how easy it is to fall into a bad community.
	You know, if you grow up in the projects and you have to join a gang for safety or whatever, you know, you understand how people end up in a situation they shouldn't be in and they don't leave because it becomes, you know, who you, these are all the people you associate with.
	And these are the people that you spend time with.
	And these are the people that, you know, you commiserate with.
	And these are the, you know, you experience things in this place, you know.
	You know, the TV was on at Lisa's lounge and we would see, you know, you watch the Super Bowl or whatever.
	This is how they live.
	This is, this was their life.
	And there are people that just never get out of that.
	There are people that never get out of that and they spend their entire life in a place like that or they bounce from one place.
	And then it's, it's all the booze.
	It's not because Lisa's lounge is charming and fun and quaint and kitschy.
	And, oh, I love the guy.
	I love a corner bar.
	Like even the Yelp reviews, people are like, I love a dive bar.
	I love a corner dive bar.
	It's like, yeah, but you do because you don't know what's going on there.
	You haven't really appreciated.
	You haven't seen some kid walk in and try to drag his parent, his father out of there because he's like, we haven't seen, you know, a kid and his mother would come in and try to drag a dad out.
	Well, when are you going to come home?
	You hear every night.
	So when you, you know, you haven't seen that.
	You haven't really gotten the full picture of what a bar like that is.
	You know, this is why, like, now I think about like, one, people don't go out a lot anymore.
	I mean, they go out, you know, everything's, you know, people go out to clubs, you know, whatever.
	I used to go out to clubs.
	I never was at home at a club.
	I've gone out to those, you know, New York City nightclubs, you know, when I was doing mortgages and shit.
	I never felt at home there.
	I never felt like I belonged there.
	I was there.
	It was fun.
	It was a good time.
	But these bars, I felt at home because I was just anesthetizing myself every night with fucking booze and I just wanted to drink.
TikTok Bars And Dead Friends 00:03:17
	And I, and I, and I really hung out there for a while.
	Like, you know, I mean, and we go back every time, you know, when we go to New York, I'll bring, I'll bring people.
	And this is my friends, don't like my friend Michael that I went to Thanksgiving with when I brought him there.
	He's like, but didn't you want to get laid?
	I don't understand.
	There's nobody.
	And I'm like, you don't get it.
	You don't get what it is when you're in the throes of a really deep addiction.
	You just need booze.
	I would just drink kettle on the rocks every single night and there'd be bugs in the glass and you'd go, who gives a fuck?
	Tracy would pour some kettle one out.
	You just get fucked up every night.
	And I would stumble back to my house because I lived a block away.
	And that was, that was my, you know, there was no like, there was no like, you know, when I look back when I was like a partier, I look back and it was like, it was, it wasn't a party.
	Wasn't, I mean, it was a party when I was like in high school, maybe a year into college, year or two into college.
	But once I settled into just being a degenerate alcoholic, it was just the means to an end of like, this was a fun place to get fucked up where nobody would judge you.
	No matter what you had going on, you could just walk into this place and get hammered.
	And I was losing my house and that was okay.
	Nobody cared and nobody really asked questions.
	And if you were like, you know, I'm losing my house, like somebody else at the bar would, you know, raise a shotgun and be like, I've lost my house.
	So it's like, oh, good.
	We've, we've found each other.
	This is a group.
	This is a community of people.
	I was, I'm wondering if I could get on TikTok.
	And I was, I think TikTok is interesting because the younger generation seems to not take social media seriously.
	And TikTok seems to be this, you know, this kind of, you know, a thing where, you know, people do these really dumb videos where it's like people are dancing or people are falling down or people are kind of, but it all seems to be very fun and casual.
	And people are just kind of, you're just kind of being a voyeur to an extent.
	And you're just watching people do these, you know, funny, wacky things.
	And on its face, it's a bit ridiculous.
	But it also, when I think about it, it makes a lot more sense than how generations above them have kind of used social media.
	Like, you know, if you said, what is social media supposed to be for?
	Is it supposed to be for a 300-comment fight about climate change on Facebook?
	You know, is it, or is it supposed to be for just zany, wacky, goofy shit that you could waste your time watching while you're online at Chipotle?
	That's what TikTok is.
	So that, as, as, as, you know, and we see, oh, will people monetize it?
	How are people?
	I'm sure eventually all that will happen.
	But like as goofy and zany and stupid as it is, that's like, yeah, but that's kind of what it should be.
	You know, like it should be that.
	It should be this thing where people are like, who cares?
	Yeah, I have all these followers, but who cares?
	And some people, I guess, are taking it seriously, but it doesn't seem like a serious thing, you know, and I think that that, but maybe I should get on it.
	I mean, I don't know.
	It's hard to know.
	I mean, I mean, I should go to Lisa's Lounge and just have them do TikToks.
	I don't even know.
	I think they're all dead.
	It's so funny to go back to a bar you hung out in and they're all dead.
	It's interesting.
	It's like, yeah, they all, those people check out in their 60s.
Florida Moves And Scary Vibes 00:12:17
	Yeah.
	They check out in their 60s because they live hard and they just check out and they just, you know, that's what it is.
	That's Long Island, baby.
	They love the Irishman.
	They'd love the Irishman.
	Man, there'd be a screening of the Irish.
	I mean, we'd be too long and nobody would pay attention.
	But that's, you know, that's who that's for.
	You know, those, you know, that's who that's for.
	Those people, they view the future with dread, but they love the past.
	It's the same thing with Irish people.
	Irish people really hate the future.
	They're scared of it.
	They dread it.
	But the past is always warm and comforting and it's in their mind.
	And they love the idea of, you know, remember how things used to be, remember how things were.
	And they just, you know, and that is, you know, the people that I really see today.
	And listen, I'm sure the Irishman, there's an argument that it's a good movie or whatever.
	I have no interest in hearing your argument that it's a good fucking movie.
	But at the end of the day, it's like, I think that's those type of movies.
	To me, I just get to a point now where I'm like, I see so much of evidence that there's no new ideas.
	And there's so many talented people that I know personally who are struggling and could bring a lot of new fun shit to the fore.
	And none of them are getting opportunities, but they're remaking mad about you and Fraser.
	They're just remit.
	We did it.
	We're done, guys.
	We don't need to like, nobody needs the constant glorification of the past.
	It was fun.
	I loved Frasier.
	It was a great fucking show.
	But let's move on.
	Let's do something else.
	And it's just, it's kind of depressing.
	Everything's a remake.
	Everything's a remake.
	It's like, let's do something else, you know?
	And when they do something new, it's always like euphoria.
	And I don't know if that's good or not.
	But I mean, I don't know what that is.
	It's just about, you know, kids doing heroin in high school.
	Is that what it's about?
	Yeah, doing webcam stuff, selling their bodies online to older guys.
	All right.
	Hey, but you know what?
	This is what it is.
	This is where we're at.
	At least you're making a show about how it is.
	I don't know.
	I mean, I just, I was watching that Irishman and I could just tell it immediately.
	I was like, oh, I know the people who are going to love this.
	I know the people are going to fucking eat this up.
	I'm going to go back and do Christmas with my family because I realize it's more tragic until you've built your new family or whatever.
	It's actually more tragic to go out, you know, for the holidays without just, you know, it's really fucking sad out there.
	And then you see some people's tweets.
	They're like, I love New York City and the holidays because everybody's gone.
	I have the city to myself.
	It's like, oh, God.
	Poor guy's putting a gun in his mouth.
	It's so nice.
	I get the whole city to myself.
	Everybody's gone with their families.
	And I'm just here enjoying an empty au bon pan.
	Isn't this nice?
	Isn't it fun?
	No, it's not.
	You know, it really is.
	It really is a fucking tragedy, you know?
	But how long have we done?
	Hour three.
	Hour three.
	A few other things I want to discuss.
	We're not on the porch right now.
	We're looking for a studio 2020.
	It's very cold in LA and we can't really broadcast outside right now, really until the spring because it's freezing and the winds are high.
	The mics don't sound good.
	We really were flirting today.
	What if we move the whole operation to Florida?
	Why not?
	What if we move the whole operation to sunny Florida?
	And I'm not talking about immediately, but eventually down the road, you know, the prices in New York and LA are, they're a little, they're, they're a bit ridiculous.
	And when you look at, you know, the bang for your buck, yeah, Florida's got negatives, sure, you know, the bath salts, the eating of the faces.
	We get it.
	But I'm pretty sure that you could find places where that's not happening.
	And I just, I don't know that when I was in Florida, I had a weird feeling.
	I was like, am I going to end up in Florida?
	You know, my mother loved Florida.
	She was a fucking mermaid, a wiki-watchy mermaid.
	I mean, that's where I come from.
	I come from a woman who swam around in a tank in Florida to entertain truckers because trip clubs weren't open.
	You know, they'd watch young women float around in a tank with fins on and then probably jerk off in their cars.
	That's where I come from.
	And I just wonder if that's where I'm going.
	There's something nice about Florida, 79 degrees.
	I mean, it's freezing in LA right now.
	There's something nice about it.
	And I'm looking at it, it's inexpensive.
	I think there's no income tax or it's very low.
	You double fist all your fucking money down there.
	It just seems like maybe that's where I end up eventually.
	I don't know.
	Weigh in, people.
	Tell me if I'm crazy.
	Or is Florida the move?
	Build a studio in the house, travel, do live dates all around the country and just live in Florida, maybe have a little apartment in New York, bounce around.
	You know, I'm not leaving LA anytime soon, but I'm just flirting with this idea.
	Florida.
	I don't know.
	It's where a lot of people go to give up.
	And that sounds nice.
	I won't be down there to give up.
	I'll still be funny.
	But, you know, you can be funny from anywhere.
	Do the show from anywhere.
	Go on the road and entertain people from anywhere.
	Do I need to be in LA?
	You know, LA's canyon living doesn't appeal to me.
	I don't want to live in a canyon.
	You know, there's some beautiful homes in LA, but there are millions and millions and millions of dollars.
	The traffic is horrendous.
	I love the comedy store.
	I love a lot of my friends here.
	I love a lot of the comics here.
	That also, you know, that also doesn't justify you spending seven times the amount of money on a home.
	That you have to evacuate like three to four times a year because there's a fire just surrounding your house, you know?
	Yeah, it's burning.
	It's literally on fire.
	So I wonder, I wonder if down the road that's going to be a reality.
	And I mean, somewhere in the space of around 24 months and two years, I'm thinking if we build the show up enough, like, you know, do we stay, do I stay forever in LA?
	I mean, if the weather in LA was great all year round, that would be one thing.
	It's just really not.
	And the people that have spent time here kind of know that it's kind of cold.
	Every now and then it will rain.
	I don't know.
	I just, I know Florida is a swamp climate.
	It's a little more tropical, but I don't know.
	As I age, I'm like 34 and I'm like, where do I want to be 45?
	You know, do I want to be 45 in LA?
	Maybe if I really hit it out of the park, we start making crazy money.
	But even then, it's like, I don't know.
	There's something nice about Florida.
	What's the big con of Florida?
	Just the hurricane season?
	That's it?
	The people.
	The people.
	The people are the negative.
	The others, the people.
	You know?
	The pedophile parks and all that.
	That's no, that's pretty isolated.
	I think that the real, I mean, the weather there, you run into issues too.
	It gets hot and swampy.
	But you just look at, you know, you look at the amount of money you pay.
	I don't know.
	I just think this could, it could be the move.
	I'm going to get a bunch of messages from people that are like, that love Florida.
	You know, there's just something nice about going out to dinner at 3.30 p.m.
	Something nice.
	Something nice about it.
	Going there into the backwoods.
	You'd have to go somewhere where you could build a nice big house or buy a house or an apartment.
	It would be inexpensive.
	I have no interest in spending a lot of money down there.
	So I'd want to go somewhere.
	I'd be somewhat isolated.
	I have to isolate myself.
	I have to isolate myself and I'd have to, you know, you know, I wouldn't want to be too isolated ever, but I could probably go 20 minutes, 30 minutes out of a city and find something that's inexpensive and just much better to live.
	No traffic, light traffic.
	You know, get a studio there or build one in the house.
	You could go down there and golf.
	You could send your kids to Parkland.
	I'm sure it's safe now.
	But like, you know, that's the thought.
	That's what I'm kicking around in my head.
	On a day like today, when it's really cold, I kick that thought around in my head.
	I go, maybe, maybe down the road, a few years from now, I think about a little relocation.
	So I'm never going to do the winters in the Northeast again.
	I'm just not doing it.
	I'm not doing the New York City way.
	It's just, I'm not doing it.
	I just won't ever do it again.
	And the winters in LA are not great.
	I'm not loving them.
	So I don't know.
	Maybe a nice sunny Floridian.
	Maybe that's how I end up.
	Like Legrush Limbaugh, just eating Oxies, talking into a microphone, living in Florida.
	Is it the worst life?
	Just scratching my skin off, eating conch fritters.
	I don't know.
	Maybe not.
	Maybe I'm crazy.
	But there's something nice about that state.
	There's something scary about it.
	There's a lot of things that are also very scary about it.
	But there's something when I was down there, I was in St. Pete Beach, and I went, you know, I don't know if the future of this, I don't know if the future of the way that I exist in this business is New York or LA.
	I don't need to be here.
	I don't need it.
	I do need it right now, but I might not need it in the future.
	And I certainly don't need to be in New York.
	I don't need to do 13 comedy shows a night to like drop dead.
	I just don't need to do it.
	God bless everyone that's doing that, but you're missing out on other things.
	You could be a great comedian and not get up 75 times a night.
	You just can do it.
	You don't need to just fucking, there's other things you should experience in the world besides getting on stage in a dark room and telling everybody, you know, they need to fucking listen to you and they need to laugh.
	I love it.
	It's great.
	But I'm like, hey, could I fucking, I could go on the road.
	I could, you know, it's, it's, you know, eventually that might be the, that may be the, and I mean, listen, there's other places.
	There's Georgia.
	There's a lot of other places.
	I have friends that are very happy outside of Atlanta, but there's something about Florida.
	Something about Florida that I like.
	I got to take you down there.
	I want you to really see what it's about.
	When's your next date down there?
	I don't know.
	I don't have one.
	There's a comedy club in Key West, a really funny guy from Boston named Tom Dustin runs.
	I could talk to him about getting some, but the keys are not really indicative of Florida.
	I mean, the keys are like, that's a whole other thing.
	But it would give you the idea of Florida.
	But I mean, I could go down there and get a date.
	I was just at Side Splitters, which I loved, you know, but who knows?
	I mean, this is just, you know, it's just, again, we're just playing around here.
	We don't know what's going to happen.
	We might be in L.A.
	I might stay in LA forever.
	You know, I don't know.
	But it also might just be like, when do you pull the switch?
	At what point do you pull the escape?
	I'm just sick.
	You know, I read these, I like the people, there's people that I started comedy with.
	God love them that are still doing open mics in Brooklyn.
	They're still filing into a room and putting your name on a piece of paper and somebody's pulling it out of a bucket.
	And it's like, guys, I don't hate on anyone.
Deciding The Point Of Comedy 00:15:53
	God bless you.
	And, you know, I hope that you find the success you want or whatever.
	Number one, I'm like succeeding and it's still not great.
	So there's that.
	I will tell you that.
	It's better than being in Brooklyn, pulling a getting my name pulled out of a bucket.
	But it's, you know, it's still, you know.
	So the idea of like just your entire life, your entire life.
	I think just doing, just your entire life, you go, yeah, I just did stand up and nothing else.
	I just didn't do anything else.
	I never, I just, you know, which is a group is great, but it's also like, are you missing out on literally everything else?
	You know, and then some of that hit me when I was sitting in that fucking restaurant in Thanksgiving last night.
	I'm like, what am I missing out on?
	I'm missing out on a lot to do this.
	I'm missing out on a lot to be on the road constantly, to be just broadcasting all the time.
	Is there a way to do this that's less time intensive where I have more time to create a life that's more meaningful than just this business?
	Because you see the people where their entire life is this business.
	They're rotted.
	They rot from the inside.
	And you just see them and there's nothing behind their eyes.
	They just become vessels.
	And everything's about, you know, just trying to make it.
	And they're still just trying to.
	And I get it.
	You want to keep building and you want more and the audiences have to be bigger.
	And I get all of that.
	It's very much in me to keep being that person.
	It's how I'm wired.
	But you think to yourself, at a certain point, do you just want to get out of that and still be a comedian and still perform and still do the show, but not be running around LA or running around New York proving what?
	What are you proving at a certain point?
	At a certain point, it really is.
	That's the fucking question.
	That's the question.
	What am I proving?
	I know I'm funny.
	The people that enjoy what I do know I'm funny.
	Who am I proving?
	Some fucking executive who doesn't know anything?
	You know, some executive who's basically kept their job by not having any discerning and just sitting around and being a yes man and just sitting there and saying crazy, you know, stuff and just sitting there and being like, oh, yes, well, we just want, you know, strong point of view.
	Or look, we're just funny first.
	We want funny first.
	Shut up.
	We're all being funny.
	You don't care.
	So what are we doing here?
	There's no movie coming.
	Maybe I'm wrong about that.
	But, you know, I'm settling into the idea that if this just gets, if we just get more people to enjoy what we're doing right now, then what the fuck is the point of living 20 minutes from the Paramount studio?
	Why?
	What are we doing?
	I'm not 20.
	I sit in these rooms with these people.
	I'm like, you, you're, you're going to be fired in a few months.
	You know, I get it.
	It's like at a certain point, you go, what am I doing the dance for?
	What do I, you know, you, you know, certain, certain, you got to say at a certain point, like, I love the comedy store.
	I love the stand.
	They both work me.
	They're great.
	It's my New York home club.
	It's my LA home club.
	I go on the road.
	My agent's great.
	She puts me in all these places.
	But it's like there's some clubs that just don't fuck with me in New York, and that's fine too.
	I don't care anymore.
	I'm not mad about it anymore.
	Like I used to, you know, you submit a veils when you're a comedian, you email a club and go book me.
	Some of them just don't book you.
	And for a while, you're real mad at that.
	And you're like, I gotta fucking get, I gotta convince this fucking person that I'm funny.
	And then you go, no, I don't.
	No, I don't.
	That's fine.
	Good for them.
	You might not feel, you're not feeling me.
	That's okay.
	I'm not going to spend my entire life clawing.
	And, you know, it's unhealthy to spend your entire life never chasing a dream, but it's also very unhealthy to just keep chasing forever.
	Chase, chase.
	Just keep, you know, listen, we all want to be better at what we're doing.
	We all want to get funnier and sharper.
	We want to build audiences.
	But a lot of the tools to do that now are in our possession.
	They're in our hands.
	And for me to run around and just convince gatekeepers that I'm good or just convince people, it just seems to be a fool's errand.
	And that's, you know, there's a lot of people that listen to this show that might be comedian.
	It's a fool's errand.
	You can just go to people right now and then just figure out a way to get them the content that they want, get them shit that makes them laugh.
	And that's where the idea of like, it doesn't mean quitting.
	It doesn't mean, you know, it just means like, am I going to kill myself trying to be Kevin Hart?
	Is that the point?
	Is the point to spend the rest of my life trying to play arenas?
	I don't know.
	Maybe it is, but maybe it's not.
	Maybe the point is to go, hey, in a year or two, when we've built the show up more and we've built the money up more, there's another way to do this so that I don't end up, you know, at a lodge in the middle of Calabasas eating a Thanksgiving dinner that sucks with my friend who's, you know, I don't know what he needs in the CBD business.
	I don't know what he does, sells incense or whatever.
	And, you know, maybe that, maybe that's not, maybe it's not worth it.
	Maybe it's not worth it, folks.
	You know, maybe it isn't.
	Maybe, you know, you get to a point, you start really reevaluating stuff and you go, well, what's the, what's the point again?
	So you, you, you make money and you, you hustle and you get on the dumb list.
	Like we're all at the end of this, everybody's going to die and no one's going to remember you.
	You know when I really realized that I was sitting in Spokane Comedy Club and they're real fun.
	I went on stage as a joke.
	I said, the audience is real white here and they all clapped and went, damn right.
	And I'm like, well, this is fun, huh?
	I was sitting in Spokane Comedy Club, best green room ever.
	They have Mario and they have great hot dogs.
	And you can play, you know, the old school like Super Mario World and I love the play.
	Please book me again.
	I love your green room.
	It's a great club.
	I was kidding.
	The crowds are fine.
	So what?
	Listen, some of them just want to take another look at the Holocaust.
	Sure, that's fine.
	Again, dears of my mouth, get me into trouble.
	I didn't mean it.
	It's all fine.
	Love it.
	Honored to be there.
	Love to go back.
	Anyway, point is this.
	But again, what do we, you know, at a certain point, it's like, I got to say what I want to say here.
	So, you know, if nobody can tell, I got banned from a Long Island club because I said that the audience came in a sweatpants.
	They did.
	They came in the starter jackets and sweatpants.
	I'm sorry.
	They did.
	I'm also a slob.
	That's why I did well there.
	But so now I can't work there anymore.
	So it's like, okay, I guess I could just never open my mouth.
	Like, you shouldn't say anything.
	You know, I can't make an honest observation.
	God forbid I do that.
	It's not my fucking job as a comedian to make an honest observation and go, yeah.
	A lot of people in the audience at the Long Island Club happen to be wearing sweatpants on Saturday night.
	And that's just what it is.
	It's a great club.
	I love the owners.
	I like a lot of the other comics that work there.
	It's just, I commented on the audience.
	It's just the truth.
	Okay.
	This Bo Can't Comedy Club.
	And the hot dogs they have are named after comedians.
	They have the John Rivers, they have the Richard Pryor, they have the Carlin.
	And I think I even posted on Instagram.
	I was like, oh, she was, you know, as far as you get in this business, you're going to end up a hot dog.
	You end up a hot dog.
	You end up a hot dog that some white supremacist orders and goes, can I get the Richard Pryor?
	Which is ironic, but like that's where it ends here, folks.
	You're running a race for no one.
	You're running a race for nobody.
	You're going to be a hot dog.
	Best case.
	Those are legends.
	You're not even going to be a hot dog.
	Hot dog is best case.
	You're a fucking picture on a wall.
	You're a portrait.
	You're a fucking clip that somebody plays.
	You go in a history book.
	No one reads.
	You know, and I'm not telling you to not go out and pursue the thing you want to do because I wouldn't have life be any other way.
	I wouldn't, I wouldn't have wanted to stay a mortgage guy or whatever.
	I'm still so fucking, I love making those videos and I love broadcasting and I love doing stand-up comedy.
	But at a certain point, you have to look around and you go, how do we build a life here that is somewhat sustainable?
	And is it in a place that's constantly on fire where I'm top dancing for soulless executives who have no fucking clue, whose networks are melting in front of them?
	And I got to sit there in a room and look at these people who these people should be strapped to a gurney.
	They should have straitjackets on.
	And I have to sit there and try to like get like, how about, so maybe this is the show.
	It says no show.
	This is the show.
	There's nothing else.
	It's me and the fucking people.
	You don't like it.
	Don't come.
	Don't listen.
	The only thing that's going to happen is if we put 20 cameras on me and give me a budget, it's just going to be some fucking 26-year-old that's like, I don't know.
	I think some of the things you said, we need to just kind of, you know, it just is what it is.
	It's not, it's, you know, nobody gives a fuck.
	They're not letting me make an Ozark.
	It's not going to be Game of Thrones with Tim Dylan.
	It's just not.
	Unless next week it is, in which we'll delete this episode.
	You know how it works.
	Don't come at me.
	What about your integrity?
	People are like, oh, your integrity is clearly for sale.
	It's like, it's capitalism, dummy.
	I'm not sacrificing kids, but if you want to give me a dumb game show, I'll probably do it.
	But you're not even giving me the dumb game show.
	So why am I here?
	What am I here to do?
	To talk into a mic, to spend a crazy amount of money to live in the house of a crazy woman who I love, but I live in her crazy house because it's a block from the Hollywood Improv, a club that does it.
	Work to me once a month.
	They go, hey, can you come in at 3 a.m. and do a spot in our lab, which should have been a vape shop?
	No.
	No, I can't.
	I'll sit home.
	Thank you.
	Thanks again.
	What is the daddy's going to Florida is what's going to happen.
	I'm starting to feel like a sucker.
	Starting to feel like a sucker every time I fucking get parking validated to go sit in a high rise with some goon and tell him why he should give me the next version of deal or no deal.
	How about this?
	How about no deal?
	How about a show called No Deal where you film me moving to Florida?
	The next time I see an executive, I'm going to sit down and go, when's the last time you saw your kids?
	They're probably doing Coke right now and stealing people's jewelry in some mansion.
	Why don't you spend a little time with them, a little more time with them, and a little less time with me figuring out what the next version of deal or no deal is going to be?
	Mainstream entertainment, it doesn't even excite me.
	I'm going to go sit there with Jimmy Fallon and talk about what?
	It's just not for me.
	I don't care.
	What am I going to fuck?
	What am I going to go down to float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade?
	Dressed like Chislane Maxwell?
	It's not happening.
	It's not going to happen.
	I mean, so it's anybody's fucking guess why I'm fucking, I love the comedy store and I love my friends that are here and I love the podcasts that are here and I'm inspired by the other talented people here, which is why I'm here for the moment and why I'll stay here.
	But I'm getting older and this business is for people that are very young and they can tolerate large doses of bullshit forever.
	And I don't know how long I can tolerate all of that horse shit for.
	And it's not just this business.
	It's any business.
	It's anybody out there that's trying to fucking claw their way to the next level of something.
	Eventually you have to decide what the fuck is the point.
	What is the point?
	You know, what is the money worth?
	What is the money worth?
	The only thing I value is freedom.
	I'm free to do what I want.
	You know, if I was making a shitload of money, but I had to get up early every day and go do some bullshit I hated, you know, would that be worth it?
	Probably not.
	It depends on how much money it is.
	But you look back and you go, what the fuck was the point?
	You know, what was the point of all this?
	You know, you know, and that's what got me.
	And that's what I've been thinking about in the last 24 hours.
	I've been thinking about like starting a militia.
	You know?
	And I'm not hating on the Hollywood improv.
	Don't use me.
	It's okay.
	You know, it is what it is.
	But it's just funny.
	I live around the block and pay all this fucking money.
	It's like, and I'm also close to the store, which is great.
	But like, it's the idea of like, you know, sometimes I'll get the avails email and I send my avails and they don't book me and I get mad and I'm like, but I don't even need to.
	What am I doing?
	So I can go do a spot at midnight for $15 for some confused tourists that came to LA.
	Enough.
	Enough already.
	Rain it in.
	Pack it up.
	Leave it for someone else.
	Oh, here's Michael.
	Michael goes.
	Oh, Michael goes, to be fair, if we had even a great but not out of this world meal yesterday, we would have forgotten about it last night by tomorrow.
	Okay, well, I thought he was complaining again.
	I'm just at the point now, the tolerance I have for people's horse shit is decreasing.
	And you need to have a tolerance for it to live here.
	You really do.
	And I just, you know, eventually I'm just saying, I'm just saying it might.
	There might be a change of venue.
	Not tomorrow, not soon, maybe sooner than I would imagine.
	I don't know.
	Definitely not.
	You know, I'm here for another solid year.
	Probably more than that because we still got to build the fucking show.
	But it's at a point where you start to look around and you start to see some of the other people that you're around.
	And people are just, I get it, man.
	You're just lit, you're just on that hamster wheel of like, just, you know, there's a certain age where desperation, you know, when you're younger, you can be, you should be a little hungry and desperate.
Building The Show For Another Year 00:15:09
	You should be in that situation where you're like, you know, you know, you're, you're running on all cylinders.
	You're trying to make.
	And then at a certain age, you go, well, what's the, what's the rest of my life going to look like?
	Am I going to be a person that, you know, at a certain age is still just, or we have the tools now.
	Other comics back in the day, you didn't have the tools.
	You know, back in the Irishman, you didn't, you had to fucking live here.
	You had to live in New York.
	I just think now there's a lot of people that are successfully doing it other places.
	And I think maybe that's, that might be the solution.
	I don't know.
	I don't know.
	TimDillonComedy.com for live tickets.
	Bridgeport, Connecticut.
	When does this come out?
	Saturday.
	So it comes out the 1st.
	Yeah.
	So December 5th through the 7th.
	If you're in Connecticut or know anyone who is, I'm at the Stress Factory, Providence, Rhode Island.
	I'm at the Comedy Connection, December 13th through the 14th.
	Timonium, Maryland, Magoobies, January 9th through the 11th, Las Vegas, Nevada.
	This thing called the Laughed Out Queer Comedy Festival.
	It's non-traditional gay comedians.
	So God only knows.
	It's going to be fun.
	It's going to be interesting.
	Ty Rivera is running it, who's a hilarious comedian.
	He's in Vegas.
	And he is, what's great about Ty is he certainly, he doesn't mind a little controversy.
	That's what I like about him.
	He doesn't mind a little, he's what a real, when people ask what a real like comic is, it's really Ty Rivera.
	That's a guy who is more of a comic than all these fucking drones that like, you know, file into these offices every day to write, you know, garbage jokes or whatever.
	He really puts himself out there, doesn't give a fuck.
	He's deeply human.
	If he's wrong, he'll be like, hey, I was wrong, but he'll let it fly.
	So go follow that guy and he just lets it fly.
	And I, I, can you pull up when he when he talks about Monique, bring up Ty Rivera talking about Monique.
	This is the one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
	Go to his YouTube channel.
	Monique is suing Netflix because she does it.
	She thinks she should have gotten more money.
	Ty Rivera has one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
	I don't know if it's his, I think, go to his YouTube.
	Okay.
	He has a podcast called Unbothered or something.
	And he talks about Monique, but it's just one of the funniest things.
	It's just a great, he just kind of sums up like the whole thing.
	And it's just kind of funny.
	It's just kind of funny.
	Let's see.
	He goes right there.
	He goes, thank God for Flame Monroe, who's the great comic that went on the Breakfast Club.
	That's another great interview you should watch is Flame Monroe on the Breakfast Club.
	Try to find Ty Rivera.
	Monique.
	Please, can we play this on the show, please?
	What's up, everybody?
	Ty Rivera here.
	The absolute best LGBTQ comedian in the world.
	So Monique had decided that she was going to sue Netflix.
	She went ahead and filed the paperwork.
	She put out a statement on her Instagram, I believe, where she was like, Hey, my love, I have decided to see.
	I have no other comment at this time.
	And I'm going to tell you guys, I went to see Monique's show here in Las Vegas.
	And it was at the SLS at the time, which is now back to being the Sahara again.
	And what I can tell you about Monique's show is that it was good.
	It was fun.
	It was a decent show to watch.
	But was I holding my sides?
	Was I like, yeah, this needs to be a special and she needs to get millions of dollars for it?
	Honestly, no, I wasn't.
	And I'm not a hater on any level.
	I do like Monique a lot.
	I've liked her stuff in the past.
	I know different people were upset about different things that she said and her situation with the movie that she did, Precious, where she didn't feel like they were treating her right.
	But it just seems to be turning into a pattern where Monique always thinks she's being shorted in some way.
	And I don't think that a lot of the general public feels like her talent necessarily matches the level that she thinks that she's supposed to be at.
	She's just not one of the voices of our time.
	And she's not particularly charismatic in the way that nobody's sitting around talking about Monique in a good or bad way.
	Nobody's like, oh, I can't wait till the new Monique special drops.
	Or when's Monique going to put something else out?
	It's like, Monique, she's cool.
	All right, you get it.
	It's all right.
	You get the idea.
	I mean, so it's just so fun.
	He just lets it fly.
	He doesn't care.
	I love what he goes.
	He's just not one of the voices of our time.
	You're just not one of the voices of our time.
	By the way, that was summed up better than most people could sum up anything.
	He goes, you're just not one of the voices of our time.
	What a fucking way to say it.
	You just what it is.
	Like, it's just funny.
	So he's booked this festival in Las Vegas.
	And it'll be, I think it's me.
	It's Milo Yiannopoulos.
	It's the gay guy, Greg Johnson, who's the white nationalist on counter currents.
	I'm kidding.
	These are all jokes.
	I'm a comedian and these are jokes.
	But I don't, no, but there's very funny comics on there.
	But it's just funny, which is like it's Ty Rivera's festival and Jocelyn Sharp, who's another funny comic in Vegas, but it's just a funny idea.
	I watched that Monique clip, man.
	I don't know where I was, but I was just laughing so hard because he was just like, she's not one of the voice of our time.
	It's just such a fucking funny.
	And no shade to Monique, who I've never met and I don't give a fuck.
	But I think Monique's hilarious.
	We've watched some of Monique's shit.
	And, you know, her queens of comedy.
	She's just very funny.
	She's very fun.
	I mean, it's just literally fucking hilarious.
	But who knows what's going on?
	I didn't see her new show.
	I didn't see a new special.
	I just think it's so funny.
	And Ty has no problem just putting it out there.
	He'll just put it out there.
	Like he did a review of the people that did the Netflix sets, the 15-minute sets, and it was so funny.
	He's like, yeah, he said nice things about me, but he was just like, yeah, he's like, did they tell them not to kill?
	That was the first thing he was telling.
	He goes, did they tell them not to kill?
	I don't know.
	But you need this.
	You need guys like this who just don't give a fuck.
	He's living in Vegas.
	He's not in LA.
	He's not doing the tap dance.
	He's just, you're going to get the way he feels.
	Whether it is what you like or what you don't like, you're just going to get his unvarnished, uncensored opinion.
	And it's just very, very funny.
	I mean, it's just, he just doesn't care.
	I mean, it's just, what else?
	Let me see what else is.
	Has he reviewed anything else recently?
	But I just love the he goes, but yeah, but he does like, he does like a Gina Rodriguez used the N-word.
	It's just funny, man.
	Anyway, it's just funny.
	It's just, so that's a, let's go back to the dates.
	When is that?
	Because that's in Vegas.
	I'll be there.
	I think it is.
	January 18th.
	January 18th.
	I'll be there.
	It'll be funny.
	Chicago, Zaney's Comedy Club, Wednesday, the 5th through the 8th.
	Ontario, Canada, the Grand Drive Theater.
	People keep asking me, when are you going to be in Toronto?
	Friday, February 14th and February 15th.
	There is a live podcast as well, in addition to me doing stand-up there.
	So grab tickets for that.
	It's going to be a lot of fun.
	I don't know.
	I'm pretty sure that's a bill that I'm on with Mark Norman, Shane Gillis.
	I mean, it's fucking crazy.
	Check that out before, but I'm pretty sure that those guys are involved in that as well.
	Indio, California, Fantasy Springs Resort, Hotel, and Casino, February 27th and 28th.
	Carolines, this is the big one.
	New York City, March 12th through the 14th, Thursday, Friday, Saturday at Carolines.
	Amazing show.
	We are really going to put on a great show.
	I'm going to have great openers.
	I'm going to have people that are really, really funny.
	I'm going to have a few guest spots.
	You might see, maybe I'm not going to even tell you who these people are going to be, but I'm just going to try to entice them to come out and do guest spots on the show.
	And if you know who some of my friends are and some of the people that I podcast with, you might have an idea of who these people are going to be.
	I'm not telling you because I don't know if I'll get them.
	But Bloomington, Minnesota, April 9th through the 11th.
	I'm at the House of Comedy.
	Phoenix, Arizona, House of Comedy, May 7th through the 9th.
	Edmonton, Canada, the comic strip, June 18th through the 20th.
	There's more dates.
	It'll be added.
	Those are the dates that we have now.
	If you go to TimDylonComedy.com, we have links on the website for all of those tickets.
	But which is funny, man.
	It's just funny.
	And like, like I said, it's kind of the, you know, it's like with, you know, with Ty, it's kind of like you get to a point where you just don't give a fuck.
	You stop giving.
	You can't give a fuck your whole career.
	You, you start to get unfunny.
	And I understand if people are cutting you big checks to be whatever, do that.
	I'm not hating them.
	Do that.
	I'm not.
	But nobody's like, I think that I'm not meant to get those big checks to be palatable to the masses.
	I got to be, you got to like what I'm doing.
	And that's that.
	And if you don't like what I'm doing, it is what it is.
	But those are the dates.
	That's the way it is, folks.
	Go watch The Irishman.
	Tell me that it's not a hunk of shit.
	You know it's bad.
	A CGI corps is walking around.
	It's just not what it, you know.
	You know, I don't know.
	I just, it's an interesting time.
	It's an interesting time.
	And I'm wondering where it all goes and where it all leads.
	We're very excited.
	Subscribe to us on YouTube.
	The Tim Dylan show on YouTube.
	That is where all the stuff goes.
	It's where the podcast goes.
	Everyone who asked me about why did the podcast come down?
	Let's address this because a lot of people, you know, I have a lot of sober, rational fans that think it's, you know, because the CIA is activated my sell.
	So what happened was Sam Tripley's YouTube channel came down.
	Sam's a friend of ours.
	He does Tinfoil Hat.
	We've been on his live show.
	We're going to do more live stuff with him in the future.
	I always had a lot of fun with Sam.
	Sam's channel came down because there was some ad, and I don't know if the ad was for CBD or whatever it was, but YouTube deleted his whole channel.
	Now his channel came back up and they, you know, so we have ads on our podcast for CBD, for Blue Chew, for all of these things.
	We don't know.
	We don't know what.
	Could be gambling.
	Could be gambling.
	Could be my bookie.
	We don't know.
	So we took all of the podcasts off the channel because we wanted to figure out what's going on.
	And then we'll probably, we're going to edit them.
	We'll edit out what needs to be edited out.
	We'll re-upload them so that you can show people.
	But we want them out there.
	We want you watching them.
	We want you showing your friends them.
	We want all of that.
	But the reality is it's crucial that we don't have the channel ripped down.
	You know, we went on Rogan, we doubled our subscribers.
	We're around 40,000 subscribers to the channel now.
	Hopefully that builds.
	It continues to build.
	What we don't want to do is get the fucking channel yanked down.
	And if the channel's yanked down, then it's, you know, then it's all for nothing.
	So what we're doing is we're trying to figure out what the best move is going forward and how to, you know, handle this to not get our channel yanked down.
	But like, you know, that's that's where we're at.
	And going forward, we're going to have to just be careful.
	We're going to have to be careful a little bit with the ads that we upload.
	It's just the way it is.
	It's not, we don't really have a choice, you know.
	Now, if the Patreon is big enough, we tell all these companies to fuck off, and we're just in Florida.
	We're just in sunny Florida, sitting there with lizards, not giving a fuck, then that might be the move.
	I don't know the move.
	I'm back on keto.
	I had no bread today, no sugar today.
	I've smoked nine Marbury lights.
	So I hadn't smoked in a long time.
	But that's where we're at.
	Where are we at now, time-wise?
	Hour 41.
	Yeah, good.
	Nice and long.
	So, I mean, that's it, folks.
	Go become a regular at a dirt big bar.
	Go throw your life away.
	Don't, don't do that.
	Don't do that.
	Don't do that, folks.
	I don't know what to tell you or do it.
	I don't know.
	Some people need some people need that.
	They need to go there and they need to, they need to, you know, they need to peer into the void.
	I need to.
	So that's it.
	Get tickets to live dates.
	Patreon episodes are coming up.
	We try to get Ray on the Patreon as much as we can.
	We love Ray.
	You guys know the diehards of the show know that Ray and me started the show.
	We're living in different places.
	Maybe we get Ray Cump to come down to Florida.
	We'll put him on the Patreon all the time.
	You know, so if you're listening, if you love the show that me and Ray did for you, I love doing the show solo now.
	It's just that's the way the show is.
	A lot of people like the solo show, but we also love Ray.
	So Ray comes on a lot of our Patreon episodes and we have fun and we do exactly what we used to do.
	So if you guys are into that, you know, it's $5 a month.
	You get those episodes and he's a wild man and it's a lot of fun.
	So as always, thank you for listening.
	Enjoy.
	It's the holiday season.
	Merch is coming.
	The shirt, the Life in the Big City shirt, is coming out very soon.
	And we've had a professional designer work very, very hard on this.
	And you'll get that joke when the shirt comes out.
	But it's, you know, very, very beautiful design.
	Intricate, beautiful design that we're very proud of because we're going to go into the garment business.
	We're going to go into the fashion, which is what comedians I think will do.
	I think a lot of comedians that are big into the merch game, they'll eventually get into, you know, I have no interest in that.
	I have really no interest in, you know, selling sneakers, but a lot of other people will be very good at it.
	You know, some people are phenomenal.
	Mullen, I was on the phone with Nick Mullen the other day.
	He, he's like, he's fucking guy's amazing.
	He knows the ins and outs of shipping and everything.
	The guy's fucking like, you know, he's so smart and he does it all himself.
	And his shirts are great and they're very funny.
	And check that shit out.
Fred Koch Shirt Donation Plan 00:02:48
	What is it?
	Come tech, come.
	What is the site over there?
	Let me see.
	Because his shirts are fucking great and he does it all himself.
	And he fussed.
	He was giving me kind of advice on how to do it.
	Yeah, come.town.
	Yeah, come.town.
	Go get his shirts because they're fucking great.
	You know, this is another part of the business I'll have to learn, but he was very, you know, he took me through it and I appreciate that.
	So, you know, by the life of the big city shirt when it comes out, we're taking a dollar from every sale and we're going to donate it to David Koch.
	So that might entice you as well.
	We're going to give a dollar from every sale to the Koch family, the Koch brothers.
	Who's alive?
	I think one of them just died.
	Yeah, one died.
	Let's see who did.
	Well, we're giving it to the other one.
	I like knowing that they got billions.
	I like knowing that they're trying to strangle us with their money.
	Oh, David died.
	David died.
	Who's the other one?
	Let's see.
	Who's the other Coke?
	Barry.
	No, I forget his name.
	Tommy.
	Tommy Coke.
	Frederick.
	Frederick.
	We're going to give all the money to Freddie.
	So every dollar from the shirt goes to Fred Koch and Coke Industries.
	So, because it's the holidays.
	So we wanted to find an organization and we decided the Salvation Army is a little shady.
	Red Cross is a little shady.
	And we might as well just give it to the Coke.
	That's where it's going anyway.
	So dollar from every sale goes personally to Fred Koch.
	We're going to write checks to Fred Koch.
	Should we send him?
	I'm not even kidding.
	Should we just send a check to Fred Koch for money?
	How hilarious would that be?
	We just write a check to Fred Koch, send it to him to the Park Avenue apartment in Manhattan he lives in.
	He has like a $40 million apartment on Park Avenue.
	Just send him a check.
	Hey, Fred, this is from the Tim Dylan show in LA now, but soon to be located in sunny South Beach, Florida.
	This is for you, Fred.
	Use the money well.
	We know you will.
	We know you will.
	I trust Fred Koch with the money, folks, a lot more than I trust the Red Cross.
	Those are all frauds, says the Salvation Army and the Red Cross.
	I don't know.
	I don't know if they really help people.
	So that's why we're going to send the money directly to Fred.
	Freddie!
	We love you, Fred.
	Fred Koch.
	We're going to write all the checks to Charlie Kirk.
	We'll give him all the money.
	Give him all the money directly.
	Goodbye.

Chapters

00:00:01 Black Friday Walmart Stampede
00:03:39 Target Soul Searching After Chaos
00:18:45 Nostalgia For Times Never Lived
00:28:02 Disney Plus Cultural Lunacy
00:30:50 Parenting Failures And Responsibility
00:33:07 Manscaped Ads And Holiday Updates
00:44:15 Overweight Men And Pubic Hair
00:59:47 Bar Regulars And Addiction Stories
01:07:55 TikTok Bars And Dead Friends
01:11:12 Florida Moves And Scary Vibes
01:23:30 Deciding The Point Of Comedy
01:39:23 Building The Show For Another Year
01:54:32 Fred Koch Shirt Donation Plan