The Tim Dillon Show - 166: 166 - You're A Disgrace

Sept. 22, 2019 - The Tim Dillon Show

02:05:01

166: 166 - You're A Disgrace

# tom hanks succession substance abuse 8chan alan dulles brain jail podcast chelsea handler colin kaepernick conspiracy theories daily stormer epstein scandal gambling culture hello privilege jeffrey epstein media censorship mybookieag social media manipulation

Tim tells wild stories about fat raccoons, defending George Bush while coked up, and talks Chelsea Handler's new documentary on Netflix. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Welcome To Hell 00:12:27
	Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Tim Dylan is going to hell.
	This was originally, no, what?
	You said Tim Dylan's going to hell.
	Oh, fuck.
	Leave it like this.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize.
	I apologize.
	Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the InfoWars podcast.
	My name is Tim Dylan.
	Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my favorite murder.
	Yes!
	Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Two Dope Queens.
	Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the last podcast on the left.
	Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Tuesdays with Stories.
	Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Fighter and the Kid.
	Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Whiskey Ginger.
	Three, two, one, and we're live.
	You know what that one is.
	Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Chapo Trap House.
	Welcome to Come Town.
	Welcome to a Revisionist History, those pretentious cunts.
	Welcome to the Monday morning podcast.
	Welcome to Tinfoil Hap.
	It is a Tim Dylan show, folks.
	The episode was supposed to be a Patreon episode.
	We recorded a killer fucking episode, and I said, you know what?
	We're going to put it out for everybody.
	We've got another killer Patreon episode coming.
	So, Patreon people, don't be miffed.
	Don't be small-minded and angry at this.
	There should be more people subscribing to the Patreon.
	We've got some really great content on there, and it's only going to get better.
	We're also going to change that ben.
	I don't like that little up top that I do about the Patreon every week.
	Yeah.
	I want it to just feel a little different.
	It feels too.
	So I'm going to do another one where I, you know.
	Okay.
	I just don't like it.
	It feels too, I don't know.
	But I don't know.
	It just feels like, it feels like we're banging people over the head.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	I know that people are stupid, but we at least got to show them a little bit of respect while we try to get in there and take their money.
	You know what I mean?
	We can't be too, we can't expect too much, but we can't also expect too little.
	You know, we gotta, we gotta go in there and really figure out a way to get it, get it from them, you know?
	So this is a great episode.
	You all enjoy it.
	It's gonna be, it's an hour late already or two hours late.
	And you're gonna run your mouth about it, but really, really shut the fuck up.
	Think about it.
	Think about life and shut the fuck up.
	Goodbye.
	Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
	Popcorn boxes, pops, and candy wrappers.
	Mm, they all taste so good.
	Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
	Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
	No, no, no.
	Oh, it recorded recording?
	Yeah, so no more of that.
	All right.
	Ben, sit down.
	You're making everybody nervous.
	Standing around.
	Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show Patreon episode, exclusively for Patreon members.
	$5 a month entitles you to one extra episode of the program and also unlimited access to the archives.
	How many episodes do we have for them, Benjamin?
	145.
	145 archived episodes.
	Stop asking for the one where I talk about the CEO of NBC, Universal.
	That one was destroyed.
	You don't get to hear that.
	They paid me three grand and they held that money over my head.
	And I fucking took that down immediately to get paid, but it's still a great deal.
	Get in now, folks.
	$20 a month.
	You're a Rothschild member.
	You're the top tier.
	No, that is not a Jewish conspiracy reference.
	They are a wealthy family.
	It means that you support the show.
	You have a little extra income.
	Not only do you get all the other members.
	I mean, you get all the other benefits.
	You get all the other members.
	If you're a Rothschild member, we give you other members.
	We're selling slaves, human trafficking.
	No, if you are a Rothschild member, not only do you get all the benefits of the other members, but you get exclusive, extra-long videos that me and Ben do.
	Desk videos.
	You get to correspond with us.
	You get to ask questions.
	We do bonus episodes just for you.
	So join the Patreon and be an American citizen.
	And even if you're not a citizen, you can still join the Patreon.
	I don't give a fuck how you got here.
	That's an amazing deal.
	We're joined today by Kevin Tinkin.
	Howdy.
	Kevin's a comedian who lives in Los Angeles, California.
	I appreciate you pronouncing it that way.
	We're joined by Jace Avery.
	You guys have a podcast too.
	What is your podcast called?
	Brain Jail.
	Brain Jail.
	It's with this autistic man who's twisting the knobs.
	It's with Ben and myself and Jace.
	I like a lot of people that comment on my podcast.
	They don't get that Ben's the producer.
	So they go, this guy's horrible.
	They think he's part of the show and he just doesn't talk every episode.
	He says like two things.
	They don't get that he's producing the show.
	It's clearly a one-man show.
	They're so mad at me for distributing it to them on time.
	And it sounds good.
	It looks good.
	And they want to keep it.
	Ben also on my show, he has a weird voice.
	Like, he doesn't talk the way he usually does.
	He's like, if I'm like, hey, what is the deal with this?
	He goes, he's like, wow.
	It's like a weird.
	Yes, you do.
	He's like, actually.
	And it's like, I don't even know what he doesn't talk normally.
	He's prank calling a hot girl he's been stalking.
	Hey, actually, how are you?
	He's like, whoa, wow.
	The other, the other, not half of Brain Jail, third, 33rd, and the third.
	Yeah, I'm probably 50% of like total poundage.
	50% of poundage on Brain Jail.
	Jace Avery.
	He's generous.
	Hey, guys, how's that?
	Brother of Ben Avery, raised in Texas, now residing here in Los Angeles, California.
	What is Brain Jail about?
	We talk about growing up like ex-Christian and then just do like a bunch of like Madden Shane secret podcast type bits, just making sure we never have a job in the industry.
	Okay.
	We started out the podcast being like, this is the summer we all get canceled.
	Right.
	We got to really just put in the effort every week.
	Right.
	You know, lots of lots of, what do they call that?
	Switching?
	Code switching.
	Code switching.
	A lot of code switching.
	Lots of accents.
	Lots of accents.
	Do you feel you feel ever nervous about what you say on the podcast?
	Do you ever feel like you'll lose some of your endorsements?
	Absolutely.
	You know, is that your worry?
	Yeah, I mean, zigzags is a big thing.
	You ever sit down with them?
	Talk about pulling out.
	You ever sit down with your team and they're just not happy about the direction things are heading?
	Daily Stormer's been calling us about the ads for a while.
	Oh, yeah.
	I will say this about Daily Stormer.
	They do need better content people.
	You know what I mean?
	For what I, for the people that I've heard.
	From what you've heard of.
	What I've heard.
	8chan is down now.
	There's no more 8chan.
	Oh, they took it down?
	I think it's done.
	Where will Ben post his manifestos now that 8chan is gone?
	Does Ben write manifestos?
	No.
	Oh, yeah.
	I'll tell you this, folks.
	We were all troubled as teenagers to an extent, you know?
	Everybody has that time in your life.
	I never thought of shooting up my school.
	I never did.
	I never did.
	And I was bullied.
	Yeah.
	But I never thought I should shoot up the school.
	It seems very indirect of how to get past whatever, if you got, you know, bullied in school and you kill everyone.
	I used to fantasize about beating up everybody in my school, but never shooting anybody.
	But everybody, like just walking around.
	No, I literally used to have prayers where I beat up everybody at school and then I'd wake up and feel pretty good.
	I'm trying to think what my revenge fantasies were.
	I think I just wanted to fuck everybody who bullied me.
	Like everyone who bullied me, I was just, God, I want to suck their dick.
	So it was like an interesting way to hate them.
	Like in a consensual way?
	That word is so loaded.
	That's all the gay guys that are real crazy hard on the Me Too stuff.
	It's always interesting to me because every gay bar is me too.
	They're like, Louie took out his dick.
	I'm like, every gay bar is people exposing themselves to each other and grabbing each other.
	Most gay bars.
	It's like a friendly.
	And now everybody's like, they're the moral majority.
	Dude, drag queens used to be hilarious.
	They used to get up on stage at 1 a.m. and shit on every race in the room.
	I mean, like, now they're the moral majority.
	Yeah.
	It's odd.
	It's like, why are we, you put balls in your mouth?
	Why are you the moral majority?
	What's the fun of being the moral majority?
	Who wants that?
	Who wants to be the fucking church lady that's correcting the, you know, somebody's grammar?
	Yeah.
	You want to be rowdy.
	You want to be fun.
	You want to have a good time.
	Life is too short.
	Stop holding every grudge.
	Yeah.
	People, it's hard to get scolded by someone in a wig.
	I always feel a little off, you know, and it just takes me out of it.
	You know, I agree with you.
	I want to learn.
	I'm here to listen.
	Yeah.
	You know, but the fake titties are falling out.
	Yeah, there's a lot of action going on.
	Dude, it should be fun.
	You shouldn't be like, what people don't understand about being like a person that doesn't live this mainstream life.
	Don't take the worst parts of the mainstream and incorporate them into your life.
	Yeah.
	Like being shitty, being judgmental, you know, being fucking boring.
	Don't fucking do that.
	Everybody wants the rights to be a piece of shit.
	Yeah.
	And they're like, you know, that guy's able to be a piece of shit.
	And like, finally, we're going to march so that we can be a total piece of shit.
	I'm glad I grew up in a place where my parents and my friend's parents didn't care about us.
	You know what I mean?
	And rarely pretended to.
	I'm so grateful.
	Now, yes.
	Do I have issues with food?
	Yes.
	Was I fed poison?
	Yes.
	Was I ever taught how to manage money?
	No.
	Was I prepared for college?
	No.
	Was I prepared for life?
	No.
	Was I prepared for intimate relationships sexually or emotionally?
	No.
	Was I given any self-confidence?
	No.
	Self-esteem?
	No.
	Support?
	No.
	Was I told, you know, was I told anything positive at any point in my life?
	No.
	But that being said, we had a lot of fun.
	My parents and my friend's parents all wanted to just have fun.
	Booze it up.
	Eat it up.
	Eat it up and booze it up.
	I mean, that's childhood.
	They weren't into like, oh, we're going to prepare the kids for whatever.
	They were into like, let's get this fucking party started.
	My friend's mom, Barbara Magoo, drinking the Sangria.
	That's a real smoking Marby Reds.
	Her last name was Magulahan.
	Barb would just sit in the chair.
	Give me some Sangria.
	Give me some Reds.
	She would drive us around in her car, hotbox it with reds.
	His dad smoked Marlboro Ultralights like air.
	Very hot.
	Very strange.
Check Cashing Chaos 00:04:08
	Didn't even make sense.
	Why smoke?
	But they were fun people.
	How's Barbara doing now?
	Fine.
	Really?
	Doing good, man.
	Listen.
	You know, you pickle yourself.
	You know, they've probably toned it down.
	You can't go hard forever.
	You know?
	That's true.
	I regret that I wasn't a guy that could handle a pop, a drink.
	Ben was not a guy that can handle a drink.
	Nope.
	Couldn't do it.
	You know?
	And I regret that.
	Now, you can have a cocktail.
	I can have a drink.
	I can't smoke a lot of weed.
	Right.
	Because I'll just, it'll just be.
	Yeah, Kevin starts to go get crazy.
	Yeah, I start singing reggae, and it gets real bad.
	I started growing dreadlocks.
	So it's just cultural appropriation all over.
	The moment I started smoking weed.
	Literally, I just become a Jamaican.
	I become a Jamaican.
	Get these Fagats out to here.
	Bon McClan.
	You're a batty boy.
	It's like, oh, all right.
	Well, that seems interesting.
	Yeah.
	No, I did.
	It just gets to a point where I'm just, I stay in my room for like six days.
	Yeah.
	And I just, I just obsess on you just start fights in check cashing places.
	100%.
	I don't even go there to catch a check.
	You start trying to check cash checks that don't exist.
	Do you know how many check cashing places I was in?
	Because I was a cocaine addict.
	Do you know how many check cashing places you just see somebody shout through the bulletproof glass window at somebody else and go, this is not a check.
	You're trying to cash something that isn't a check.
	You drew this.
	I know it has a denomination of money on it, but they would show up with like something that said like, you're going to get this money soon or you owe this money.
	They didn't like.
	And the people at the check cashing place would have to be like, this isn't a check.
	And then people would get so mad.
	Come on, man.
	It was in a gold envelope.
	I can't cash this shit.
	Are you imitating a Jewish person with that voice?
	Yes.
	I'm just trying to be certain of what's happening.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Come on, man.
	Come on, man.
	I'm fucking.
	Hey, I got my passes all ready for y'all.
	You can't even cash this golden check.
	One of the most embarrassing things that's ever happened to me is when I first started doing comedy.
	Here's the thing with check cashing places.
	If you have not cashed a check before at the check cashing place, they will call whoever wrote the check and confirm, which no bank does.
	They have ways of verifying it, but check cashing places don't.
	Right.
	Yep.
	And I needed the money right away.
	I needed to pay rent.
	I just done like a gig and I deposited it or not deposited.
	I went to go cash it at the check cashing place and they like called the fucking guy who just wrote me the check and I look like such a piece of shit.
	It's like, it's somebody be like, hi, this is Aina from PLS check cases.
	And I heard them on the other end be like, what?
	You're not Din Dylan?
	He's like, what?
	Din Dylan.
	You write them check?
	I was like, yeah, I write them check.
	What's the problem?
	You know, dude, I use check cashing places for very long.
	Well, they're a great place.
	Sometimes you can get money at the like the save mark, like at the grocery store or whatever, but that's no fun either because they'll do the same shit.
	Have you ever been to a check caching place?
	I did when I was working at Letterman and I was in Ish Bushwick.
	I went to a very violent check caching place, and they did the same thing where they're like, Is this Letterman?
	And then everybody was like looking at me like I was an insane person.
	Really?
	Like I'm working in TV and I'm at a check cash.
	Yo, that's David Letterman.
	You know, what the fuck?
	Yeah, they thought I was Paul Schaefer.
	That's David Letterman with no sleeves on the shirt.
	Shit.
	Get that, get that auto.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I have told you several times about the need to relax.
Irish Money Anxiety 00:15:37
	Many of you are suffering from anxiety.
	Much of that anxiety is, you know, appropriate because many of you are, you know, directionless and you really don't know what's coming and it's going to be bad.
	And I think we've all been kind of clear about that.
	And, you know, many of you don't know how to handle it.
	And you're afraid you're going to be alone.
	And you're right.
	You're afraid you're not going to make connections with other human beings.
	You're going to constantly get in your own way, is my point.
	Many of you have that fear, and that's, you know, that's based in reality and, you know, realistic understanding of who you are and what you bring to the table.
	But it doesn't mean that that should be debilitating.
	You know what I mean?
	You should be able to get past that.
	You know, I don't know any successful person who dwells exclusively in reality.
	I don't.
	They create their own reality.
	Okay.
	They just, you know, it is what it is.
	They just, you know, waltz from one topic to the next and inject their own idea of what is and isn't true.
	They don't really, they don't go crazy with facts and figures, statistics.
	Many of the most successful people I knew barely, they barely watch the news.
	They barely have any clue as to what is happening at any given time.
	They just kind of, you know, sachet through life, just, you know.
	And I'm telling you right now, folks, that's probably the better way to do it.
	That's probably the way to do it.
	Instead of being hyper-focused on reality, reality, as they said in the 90s, bites.
	It's the reality of that.
	But how do you reduce anxiety?
	What do you do?
	You take Klonopin like Jordan Peterson and you end up in rehab?
	No.
	Not a good look.
	JP has said some important things, but I feel for him.
	Klonopin's not the move.
	What about Xanax?
	That's not the move.
	If you've seen Lil Zan, does he look better?
	No.
	You know?
	Got his.
	I met the guy that knows his manager recently, and it's all like they're all on death watch.
	He was in Europe.
	He didn't have any Xanax, and his brother had to like smuggle Xanax into Europe and his ass.
	And just because Lil Zan, supposedly little Zan lit $200,000 on fire.
	Yeah.
	He's nuts, man.
	Whatever.
	Shout out to Zan, Xanarchy, the whole family.
	I thought little Zan and Billie Eilish were the same person for a very long time.
	Somebody had to explain to me that they weren't.
	But my point is that you can't get nuts with the pharmaceuticals, folks.
	It's not the move.
	I know your parents, your boomer parents took you to a therapist who shoved drugs down your throat.
	We get it.
	They didn't want to realize their own culpability in your condition.
	They didn't want to go do some real behavioral therapy and work through it.
	They just paid some doctor to shove Adderall down your throat when you were in eighth grade.
	Now you got a real problem.
	You're scratching yourself.
	You're fucking doing, stop it.
	This goddamn cat.
	I'm going to kick it in its face.
	Fucking piece of shit, cat.
	A cat, I'd like to give that cat a lethal dose of something.
	I was like always bad with money, man.
	I was never good with money.
	I didn't come from a family that was good with money.
	I didn't understand money.
	I still barely understand money.
	I'm not the worst with money, but I'm not good.
	I spend too much.
	I'm too generous.
	Irish people are stupidly generous.
	Like they just...
	You're very.
	Like, my dad will go out to dinner with people that have so much more money than him and just pick up the check.
	Do you feel like working in sales also gave you that habit as well?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Cause I'm starting to get that now with my job.
	Sales guys want to show everybody that they're the guy.
	So a lot of it's like throwing down the card.
	I got it.
	And sales is all about trying to convince the world you're doing better than you are.
	So people want to fucking get on board with what you're doing.
	So part of that is like that fake it till you make it.
	Yeah, throw the card.
	I got it.
	And then you start realizing you start buying dinners for people that not just have a little more money than you, but could buy and sell you.
	Like you're being ridiculous.
	Yeah.
	Like it's absurd.
	There's a lot of money out there.
	And Irish people are just not good with money.
	There's something about Irish people.
	I think it's the drinking.
	Maybe the depression.
	Yeah.
	Part of it's the drinking.
	I think also part of it is that it's not like it's not a culture that prizes education.
	Neither did Italians.
	Jews did.
	Asians and Indians do.
	Oh, yeah.
	Irish were all about like, let's get government jobs.
	Let's hit people with sticks.
	Let's own bars.
	Let's own restaurants.
	Italians were the same thing.
	Italians distrusted institutions outside of family and the church.
	So they like education, things like that.
	It wasn't, you know, so, you know, but Irish people, there's something about the party atmosphere of everybody having fun, everybody drinking, throwing money on the bar.
	And, you know, none of that lends itself to like, you know, prudent financial decisions.
	Nobody inherits money and goes, what does Malachi at the bar think I should do?
	What does Ronin think I should do?
	Does Terry have any ideas of what I should do with this money?
	Well, yes.
	We'll run it into the ground together.
	We'll run it into the ground together.
	Like, this is how dumb some Irish people are.
	I was on my tour bus, and there was, I was, when I was a tour guide in New York City on those double-decker buses, we're outside.
	It was a beautiful day.
	And there was a bunch of guys that walked out of Barclays, which is a big bank in New York City.
	And they were like, hey, such young men here.
	They all have jobs.
	They're all doing well.
	And I'm like, those guys probably make $200,000 or $300,000 a year.
	Yeah.
	They're loaded.
	This is how dumb these Irish people are.
	They go, but they're cooped up inside all day.
	You got the sun.
	And I'm like, well, that's why we have nothing.
	That's why we have nothing.
	But they're cooped up inside.
	You got the sun.
	You're at a check cash in place.
	Yeah, I'm like the sun.
	I have melanoma and I'm dying.
	They're cooped up inside all day.
	They can't go out and walk in the tall grass.
	I sleep outside.
	Why even be alive?
	Yeah.
	Disgusting.
	But great, you know, great writers, great storytellers.
	You guys are from Texas.
	What is your background?
	What is your ethnic background?
	We're just white trash.
	It's nothing really.
	We didn't get any education on the back.
	So would you say that you guys are European?
	Are you like Candidate?
	We're Dutch.
	We're like 133nd Native American.
	We're a little bit more Russian, English, Irish, and then 0.6% Askenazi Jew.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	I would like you guys to put the mics down.
	I wish I was told that two years ago.
	Yeah.
	But sneak up on you.
	What about you, Tinkin?
	What's your background?
	English, Irish, German.
	Is there anything that sticks out?
	Because see, being from Long Island, New York, is Irish, Italian, Jewish.
	And those are very distinct cultures.
	So like everybody that I know, one of those cultures played like a role in their life.
	Or, you know, I had black friends and Hispanic friends, but those are very distinct cultures, too.
	Right.
	So.
	I mean, there was nothing.
	We were like, we're like fourth generation.
	So it was just completely bred.
	It would roast beef on Christmas.
	You know, that was about the only tradition that we had.
	Okay.
	Yeah, but that was, I mean, my grandfather had a pool.
	What kind of roast beef?
	Like a nice roast beef you carve or like deli roast beef that you'll just.
	No, no, no.
	My grandpa would roast it on a spit out.
	Yeah, that's right.
	It would be great.
	That's right.
	Lots of Coor's lights around.
	Lots of Coor cans.
	Grandpa was a good man.
	Grandpa was a good man.
	Lots of lectures about how to appropriately use the pool table.
	Yeah.
	My grandfather had a pool table, too.
	Dude, it was like.
	That generation loved billiards.
	Absolutely.
	They loved it.
	You don't fuck, don't touch the pool table until grandpa has showed you how to use a pool cube.
	I've told you this.
	Yeah, I think one of my dad's brothers like scratched the felt on the pool table.
	Oh, dude.
	My grandfather, like, beat him within an inch of his life.
	100%.
	Yeah.
	He deserved it.
	Me and Ben, we visited our rich Jersey relatives, and was it Ellen broke the chandelier?
	I broke it.
	Ben broke the chandelier over the pool table.
	We were terrified.
	And they just throw us in jail.
	We're doing the Yank Up, Ben?
	We're doing the Yankee?
	I did one of the Yank Ups where I can't be a fucking cue ball and rip it into the...
	It was probably like $10,000.
	Yeah, like a 10 grand chandelier.
	Amateur Mista.
	Yeah, my grandpa wouldn't stand for that shit.
	I wouldn't even, I would have to change my last name if I did that.
	Well, that was from that generation, man, where a lot of those guys had literally nothing.
	Like, we talk about how we're all fucked and we're not going to retire and have houses and shit, and that's all true.
	But those guys, like my grandfather started out with very little.
	He was very poor.
	Yes, Chelsea Handler, he was white.
	We get it.
	We know he was white.
	I understand that he had it easier than black people.
	Thank you, Chelsea Handler, for telling me that from the backyard of your Bel Air mansion while you interview another white guy who wrote a book about white privilege.
	Is there anything that'll tell you more why Trump will win than that scene where she, a white chick who's a multi-millionaire, interviews another white guy who wrote a book about white privilege in the backyard of her Bel Air mansion?
	It's a fucking psyop.
	It's so bad.
	It's so bad, dude.
	They had to get hired by Christian.
	There are parts of the dock, and we're talking about the documentary, Hello Privilege, It's Me Chelsea.
	There are parts of the dock that are like fucking haunting because, you know, tons of horrible shit went down.
	Anybody who says white people haven't had it substantively easier than black people is just ignorant of history.
	You don't know anything, you know?
	Yeah.
	Doesn't mean all white people, but the way that the middle class was created was completely unavailable to black people.
	All kinds of loans, federal grants, all that shit, owning property, all of that is 100% true.
	So there's things in the documentary that are like, God, I just wanted to hear that civil rights lady talk more.
	Yeah, she was interesting.
	She was fascinated.
	That one was a hero.
	So, of course, she was on for about three minutes.
	And then the rest of it is Chelsea Handler talking to her old boyfriend that she hasn't seen in 25 years.
	Some black guy, she was banging at 15 and aborted his kid.
	And then he goes to jail for a bunch of drug-related offenses.
	And she dips and goes and makes a couple of million bucks, a lot of more than a couple.
	Yeah.
	And then comes back 25 years later with a Netflix crew.
	She comes back with a production crew.
	The first time she's seen the guy.
	Yeah.
	First time she's seen the guy.
	And she comes back with a film crew.
	That's insane.
	Yeah, well, Tim, she greeted.
	I don't know if you caught this.
	She greeted him and she's like, you've been out of jail, what, 14 years now?
	He's like, no, I was in jail for 14 years.
	I've been out for two.
	Right.
	She's like, sorry, the sound was muffled.
	Did you say that again?
	Would you mind saying that again?
	And by the way, your camera is camera too.
	Did you say it to camera too?
	She's like, I'm so excited to see your mother.
	She walked into the house.
	She's like, hi, grandma.
	She gives the old woman a hug.
	The old lady's like, who this bitch?
	She gaps up the grandma.
	Yeah.
	She's like, dabs up.
	Hey, grandma.
	It's me, Chelsea.
	How you doing, girl?
	Girl, you want to fly us real quick?
	Let's go.
	There's nothing more disgusting.
	I brought you a FUBU sweater.
	Yeah.
	Here you go.
	Yeah, Foo Boo's not.
	Fubu hasn't even been in style in years.
	She's wearing a shoe.
	You know what's interesting about it?
	She didn't show up with anything.
	Like, I guess it would have been inappropriate to bring gifts.
	Probably.
	It's better than just nothing.
	Listen, I don't know her.
	I know people that know her.
	I don't know her at all.
	I wonder if she writes them a check.
	I would figure, hopefully, right?
	But she also seems like such a bitch.
	Yeah, but maybe that's, I don't know.
	I saw her on a plane once.
	She like elbowed me.
	Really?
	She was in first class.
	Yeah.
	She was like, she kind of like elbowed me.
	Like she knew you?
	No, like, I don't know if she was like settling into her seat and she was just kind of like, get away from me.
	You fat white mess.
	You fat white blob.
	But yeah, she spends most of the documentary talking to this dude in her backyard.
	And she's like, you know, she supposedly paid for all her like brothers and sisters kids.
	I knew her brother, Roy Handler.
	Oh, really?
	Who's a chef who was friends with one of my fat friends, Tracy Carnazo, who's a comedian in New York.
	Shout out to Tracy.
	She knows she's fat.
	She used to do this diet called Whole 30.
	We were at a house one day and Tracy goes, I'm doing Whole 30.
	And Ray turned around and went, What do you eat?
	30 whole chickens?
	We were at a steakhouse once.
	First time I hadlined Carolines, maybe 2015.
	We were at the Quality Meat Steakhouse in New York, and Ray gets enraged and fat people like pretend to be on diets.
	You know, it's kind of hilarious.
	So Tracy, they put an appetizer down on the table, and it's bacon with like miso peanut butter and jalapeno apple jelly.
	It's so amazing.
	And instead of just not eating it or abstaining, she looks at the waiter and she goes, I don't really eat bacon.
	And Ray just looks at her, shut the fuck up like mad.
	But Tracy was friends with this guy, Roy Handler.
	Like Chelsea had excommunicated Roy for whatever reason.
	Like he lived with Chelsea for a while, then they got in a fight and then like she wouldn't speak to him anymore.
	He lives with her in L.A.?
	I think they live together.
	Yeah, in L.A.
	He lived with her for a while and then they got in some argument and they don't speak.
	Right.
	She realized he was white.
	Yeah, she was like, you're a white Roy, you're a white man.
	But she didn't really, here's the deal, dude.
	She started realizing that when it became hip.
	Of course.
	When it became the thing to do.
	She's a fucking climber.
	Yeah.
	And a lot of the people who turned on a dime, like, that's why I respect the fuck out of Janine Garofilo.
	Janine's been doing political shit forever.
	Janine was in, like, during the Iraq war, when Chelsea was talking about her puss, Janine was talking about Cheney and Halliburton.
	Janine's been going up, trying to get people to wake up about shit for a fucking long time.
	And dude, Janine gets booed.
	She gets fucking hostile reactions.
	And she's not full of shit, dude.
	And she defended Louie and got shit for it.
Janine Gets Called Out 00:08:09
	Like, that's the thing.
	She doesn't like this mob mentality culture because Janine Garofilo is an actual person that gives a fuck.
	And she's actually used her art to try to get people to pay attention to shit.
	And all of these people now that are jumping on that bandwagon are complete frauds.
	And she knows it.
	She's like, we're the fuck rule of you.
	And we're locking people up at Guantanamo Bay.
	Oh, they'd be Nazis if you got them a Netflix special.
	Yeah, they don't give a shit about it.
	Yeah, Mullen said that.
	Mullin's like, you know, some of these woke people would be Nazis.
	100%.
	They love the iconography of just being part of this movement that they never question.
	They just love putting it out there.
	Yas queen, get them on the train.
	Nazis are just another.
	That's the yas queen is just another Heil Hitler.
	Yas bitch.
	I may tweet that.
	Should I tweet that?
	Yeah.
	Tweet it right now.
	Okay, I got to tweet it tomorrow.
	You can't do anything if you're not on New York Time makes everything start to build.
	People out here, for whatever reason, you release East Coast Time.
	That's why Netflix releases shit West Coast Time.
	I'm like, why?
	What are you doing?
	I don't know.
	I just feel like New York, for whatever reason, maybe there's more hustle, bustle, but I feel like shit start.
	My fanbase is more New York too.
	But I think they just start, shit starts to catch fire quickly.
	Well, they catch it first, and then it goes viral by the time the West Coast wreaks up.
	Yeah, these motherfuckers out here are sleeping.
	They're throwing away two hours.
	Yeah.
	At least.
	Three hours.
	Well, if you know the correct time stuff.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Hello, privilege.
	It's me, Chelsea.
	Hi, privilege.
	We're going to pass.
	I'm privilege.
	Hi, I'm Privilege.
	And Chelsea, quite frankly, we're good.
	Hello, Precious.
	It's me, Chelsea.
	Yeah.
	She goes and interviews Gabber Cinebank.
	You know?
	Hi, Privilege.
	This is Chelsea.
	Hey, Chelsea, it's privilege.
	We've met before.
	We've known each other for a while.
	And frankly, I don't like that you're now talking shit about me when I've had your back literally forever.
	Literally forever.
	I love the beginning of it sets up where you see her house and she's doing all these jokes.
	Like, I've had it hard.
	I'm joined.
	Because she wants to show that she has like some self-awareness of like.
	And it starts with her maid cleaning her house, too.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Her maids clean her house.
	And then Chelsea's like, I wrote a book called Uganda Be Kidding Me because I wasn't thinking about myself.
	I was thinking about being funny.
	Go back to that.
	Good.
	Yeah.
	You're still thinking about yourself.
	That's solving the world's problem.
	You're doing a Netflix.
	I love how people call her out through the whole thing.
	They're like, yeah, this isn't going to be solved with like a Netflix special, you retard.
	Like, no, like multiple people are like, yeah, this isn't what you think it is.
	Chelsea's like, well, how can, what are we supposed to do as white people?
	It's like, donate money, donate your time.
	How about get, tell the cameras to go home and go make a poor person a sandwich.
	Yeah.
	Do something.
	Go hire an attorney for something.
	Like, you know.
	Don't it's like the ACLU, anything.
	She wants an, these people want Emmys.
	They want to be recognized.
	They want a legacy.
	Because she's probably like, I've talked about my pussy for a decade.
	Talked about my Keslapis, which is what you used to call her pussy.
	I talked about my Keslapis for a decade.
	And I fucked, you know, she fucked.
	You know, she got in that thing with John Rivers.
	John Rivers called her out.
	John Rivers is like, you're fine.
	You fucked ahead of E.
	Yeah.
	You know, Trevor's like, you come at me, bitch.
	Yeah.
	I'm the first person who had a late night show.
	I'm the first woman who had a late night show.
	Tim, do you think she fucked up by going in the race angle instead of the rape angle?
	I feel like that would have been better for her, like diving into the Me Too stuff.
	I don't know, man.
	I know people that know her, and it's just like there's an intensity to her.
	You can see in her eyes, there's an intensity to her.
	She's clearly successful.
	She's clearly driven.
	You know, she fucking got a hustle, right?
	She's got a hustle.
	So somebody with a hustle, man, it's very interesting.
	I'm sure she is guilty.
	And I'm sure she does, in her own head, think what she's doing is good.
	I think that's the thing.
	And like, it's only cynical, but it's also like she believes that this is good.
	Yeah, nobody thinks they're a bad person.
	That's how evil happens: people tell themselves a good narrative about it.
	Here's what she did.
	She goes to Oktoberfest and gets these white people that are buffoons.
	And they all go, we don't know about white privilege.
	What do you mean?
	She gets people that are getting hammered at Oktoberfest to basically go.
	And then she gets four Republican lawmakers or not even lawmakers, women in like the local Republican Club of Orange County, like brain-dead Chardonnay swilling morons.
	Like real housewives.
	Yeah, real housewife types who are just wasting the real housewives at least have like jobs.
	These bitches are like, what are they even doing?
	Like going to fundraisers while their husband fucks some 22-year-old on a golf course?
	Who knows?
	Like she's talking to them.
	Like, that's the people you're trying to get.
	Right.
	Women just posting on next door, and that's who she's talking to.
	She doesn't, so she easily like just finds these morons.
	And I'm not saying that there's not a lot of those people out there, but what's the victory there?
	Right.
	What's the victory again?
	You got a bunch of morons to sit in your backyard and they said dumb things.
	Good for you.
	Yeah.
	Well, you know, it's just a love story to the fucking to Hollywood and shit.
	It's the same stuff because that kind of stuff isn't going to, it's just going to infuriate the people that it's targeting.
	What people don't realize, white privilege is absolutely real, but the bigger problem is that we are a country full of deeply selfish psychopaths.
	Really?
	And it's like, yeah, is it racist here?
	Yeah.
	But there's a lot of, lot of problems.
	And there's a lot of demons running amok.
	I did a show in Jersey and I was talking about GoFundMe.
	I have a bit about GoFundMe.
	And perfect American attitude.
	I'm like, you ever donate to GoFundMe?
	And a woman in the front row, fat Jersey beast, goes, who's funding us?
	You know, the perfect American answer.
	I did a thing about Billie Eilish.
	I'm like, isn't this weird?
	She's bleeding out of her eyes.
	Something's wrong there, right?
	She's dressing up like Satan in the videos.
	And then somebody in the back goes, she makes a lot of money.
	I'm like, well, that's America.
	Oh, says the same hecko when you're talking about Epstein.
	I mean, this is a country where people brought their kids to Michael Jackson's bedroom so they could get fucked because he had a nice house.
	You get a free trip to Hawaii.
	This is America.
	These are the people that live here.
	You know, if it was only racism that was a problem, God, would that be a breath of fresh air?
	If it was strictly race that these people were weird about and not, and I'm not saying that's not a huge fucking problem, but I mean, we're living with people that are just completely fucking unhinged.
	Corporations are like buying all the water for the next 20 years.
	Yeah.
	Dude, I'm telling you, I say it as a joke, but I'm telling you right now, there will be an American Ninja Warrior type show where people will compete for insulin in this country.
	And the people competing will say, it's a privilege to be here.
	I'm lucky to be, I'm lucky to be here.
	I love all those competition shows people go on.
	They're like, I'm lucky to be here.
	I'm so lucky to be here and get out there and be judged by Chrissy Teigen and some other people that are collecting a check to sit in judgment of my passion and tell me whether or not I should, what I should do with my life.
Betting On Bears 00:13:32
	You know?
	That's why I respect the boomers that raised all of us, the drunks.
	You know?
	I wish there was more alcohol in my house.
	My mom would do a Bartles and James, and then we'd watch Romancing the Stone, and she'd complain about dad not loving her enough.
	Yeah.
	And I'd be like, mom, it's okay.
	It's all right.
	Just hit me.
	Yeah.
	Let's get it over.
	Well, let's just happy lives.
	Yeah, yeah.
	God, everything's a nightmare.
	Every time one of us opens our mouth, it's a goddamn nightmare.
	And mother would sit on the couch and sip tea and cry softly.
	And I would braid her hair and put makeup on and tell her that no one could see the bruises.
	I mean, football season is upon us, folks.
	Jeffrey Epstein is out of the news.
	We're moving on.
	You like winning money?
	Of course you do.
	You like betting sports?
	Of course you do.
	What else are you going to do with your life?
	I'll tell you where I put my money down, mybookie.ag.
	You can bet on the NFL, baseball, MMA, whatever.
	My bookies got it.
	They've got better incentives and more lines than any other sports book, period.
	Okay?
	They got everything.
	They have these all kinds of like non-traditional bets, dude, that are pretty cool.
	A prop bet, you could bet on something unconventional.
	You could bet on like Trump resigning, which will never happen, but you can bet $100 and you'll win $1,200.
	You know, if it has 12 to 1 odds, like these are fun bets.
	We'll come up with a few of those bets, you know.
	We could do like, you know, you could bet that just Lane Maxwell would be arrested, which obviously she's not going to be.
	But you could do bets like that.
	It doesn't have to be sports.
	But listen, they're great at sports.
	And I'm telling you this right now, folks.
	My pick right now, okay, I'm going to say Monday Night Football, Chicago and Washington.
	I say the Bears minus four and under Redskins team total, 19.
	I don't really give it.
	I don't know anything about this.
	My friend Michael is picking these out because he's like a degenerate gambler and he like ran like a service where people would bet with him and he's like that kind of guy.
	He's like a slimy guy.
	So he knows about this.
	So he's giving me my picks.
	You know, I don't really give a shit about sports.
	I'll do some other fun bets.
	You know, like society collapses when here we go, folks.
	I'm going to say it again.
	Bears minus four and under Redskins team total, which is 19.
	Okay?
	Bet that.
	Redskins suck.
	They have a racist name and their owner is a billionaire moron.
	Okay.
	My friend is really good at these picks, by the way.
	He's not bad at them.
	You know, I'm telling you, he's going to be really helping me out in this until I really get, until I get a little better at it because he's from that world.
	He's in that world.
	Okay.
	It's important to me that I give you guys the information that you need so that you can go and bet.
	They just revamped their site, my bookie.
	Have you been on my bookie, Ben?
	Yeah, I've used it.
	I encourage, shut up.
	I encourage you, all of you, to go and take a look if you haven't already.
	Okay?
	It's fun to bet on things.
	It is fun to gamble.
	I remember I went to a bachelor party with a friend of mine.
	We went to Atlantic City, which is really like a Disney world for chain-smoking amputees.
	And it's really, really bad.
	My friend Mike Lawrence made a great point.
	He goes, these people think they're going to be lucky.
	They all have like their missing limbs.
	They're going to be lucky now.
	It was interesting.
	We went to Showboat Casino, which was like this horrific, kind of racist, like, you know, themed casino in Atlantic City that was going out of business right next to Trump's casino, which was also kind of going out of business.
	People are just, you know, doing heroin in the bathrooms.
	And, you know, there's rats running around.
	But I mean, I was playing, I think, three-car poker.
	We were just having a good time.
	It's fun to gamble, and it's much more fun to gamble and not leave your house.
	That's the move here.
	You can win money.
	You got my audience can do it.
	You can do it.
	You can win.
	Why don't you win?
	Why don't you go and be somebody?
	Stop listening to your fiancé run her mouth.
	Go and take life by the fucking balls.
	Make a little money.
	And then you tell her where you're going on vacation.
	Okay?
	You know, she's disgusted with you because you don't have the kind of money that her friends men do.
	You know?
	She's got to talk about how funny you are at brunch with those other birds.
	It's disgusting.
	Win a little bit.
	Get a little money.
	I'll tell you right now, that's the way to do it.
	And don't do it in the traditional way.
	Who cares?
	The working man is a sucker.
	Don't be a sucker.
	Take all of the money that you earn and bet.
	Okay?
	Double your first deposit now.
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	Don't be stupid, folks.
	If you like to bet, this is the site to bet 100%.
	And if you don't like to bet, you're a pussy bitch and nobody respects you.
	You have a soft penis.
	It never gets hard.
	And your wife stands there waiting, and then she goes into masturbates in the bathroom because she cannot, she married this fucking cuck that is afraid to go out there and take a chance.
	You're afraid to risk.
	Okay?
	I'm telling you, the Bears are going to win Monday night.
	I've looked at the spreads and the statistics, and I've done the work.
	I've done my due diligence.
	Okay?
	The Bears have a great team.
	They got the big guy and then the few other ones.
	They're going to fucking win.
	What do the Redskins got?
	What do they got?
	They got nothing.
	They got a bunch of Nazis running around.
	Their name is the Washington Redskins.
	That's a real name.
	Can you imagine that's a name?
	That's ridiculous.
	What are you going to?
	I mean, what kind of organization would tolerate that?
	They should change their name to the Washington Intersectional Feminists or something that's respectful and positive, like the Washington, you know, Native American Alliance.
	I don't know.
	But it's, what do you think about the game?
	You ready for the game?
	The Bears?
	I'm ready.
	I'm ready.
	I'm going to go.
	Who's your favorite on the Bears?
	Well, everybody loves the big guy.
	You're a faggot, Ben.
	Everybody says Ben's gay, and I tried to let him defend himself by having some sports knowledge.
	And of course, he's got cum in his throat, and he can't say he's gone.
	I'm betting on the PGA tour tomorrow.
	Oh, the PGA tour.
	That's good, you bone-smoking queer.
	Fucking can't watch football.
	He can only come if his chick fucks him.
	Okay?
	Say my twink seems gay, you faggot.
	All right, folks, I can say I could say the word faggot because I am a black gay man.
	Double your first deposit now.
	Folks, who's even thinking about this?
	Get in there and start betting.
	If you enjoy my show, if you have the balls to make something, if you want to win, get in there.
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	We'll talk about it on the show.
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	We'll bring you out to LA.
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	I'm telling you, win a few games with my bookie.
	I'll bring you out to L.A. I'll get you a movie deal.
	And then make a movie about your interesting life.
	Okay?
	I'm so excited for this game on Monday.
	You know, I look like a guy that really wants to always talk about football.
	People come up to me and talk about football at me all the time.
	I just stare at them.
	I don't really watch football, but I look like a guy that would care a lot about football.
	So when people come up to me, they're like, they say stuff, and I'm just like, yeah, yeah, well, you know, it's what it is now.
	It's a different game.
	Sometimes if I'm in a football conversation and I don't know what to say, I save myself by going, hey, fuck Colin Kaepernick.
	So people understand that even though football is important, it's more important to be racist.
	You know what I mean?
	So that's a great way to get yourself out of a football conversation is to just steer it into racist waters.
	That's my bookie.
	And I'm not a racist.
	I'm just saying sometimes in order, and I think Colin Kaepernick's great.
	I think he's fine.
	But in order to get out of a technical conversation about sports, I have to, you know, steer it towards that.
	My bookie, M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E.
	Michael is making the bets here.
	So if you don't win, you will win because Michael is a legit dirtbag.
	Like he is a legitimate dirtbag.
	100%.
	Like is a garbage person.
	Fucking, he cares about sports.
	And a long time ago, he was, you know, like, you know, hookers and sports and cool shit.
	I respect that.
	Everybody loves horse, by the way.
	What are you nuts?
	Every person you respect loves whores.
	Okay.
	Every fucking fun little comedian or actor you think, you think they're like wholesome.
	Let me tell you right now.
	They're whipping someone in a hotel room.
	My bookie, M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E.com.
	Tim will double your money.
	Get in there and win.
	Teach your kids how to gamble.
	Life is about chance.
	Everything is gambling.
	The economy is gambling.
	Risk reward.
	Do you get that, dumb-dumb?
	Take a risk.
	Stop going to college and take it out loans and getting degrees.
	You failure.
	You know that adds up to shit.
	The guys that really make it are the ones that take risks, take chances.
	I know a lot of people that have gambled and won.
	Yeah, there's a couple of people that gambled and lose, but you can always get back up, dust yourself off, and win again.
	That's where people that are addicted to gambling, they think they're kind of addicted to losing because it's like that great feeling of just being like, I'm bottomed out, but I've got nowhere to go but up.
	And that's what I want for you.
	All of you, I want you to feel that feeling that you have nowhere to go but up.
	You're going to win.
	Tim is a promo code.
	If you enjoy my show and you want to fuck around, if you're a man with a big penis that you put wherever you want with consent and everybody's happy about it, you've got that kind of penis.
	If you're a weird man, a beta male, and you don't have a penis, maybe even, then maybe don't.
	You know?
	But if you are a man, you better, and you're a woman too.
	If you're a woman or a man, I mean, largely the audience is men.
	So I'm not going to be an idiot here and start, you know, act like I have an audience of a ton of women.
	I don't.
	Some of them listen.
	I respect an intelligent one.
	Let's be honest.
	The women that listen to the show are a little intelligent, and a lot of them out there are not.
	Let's be honest.
	And I'm not saying there's a lot of men that aren't intelligent too, but the women that listen to the show, they're on a higher vibrational plane than the rest of them.
	That's it.
	Sorry.
	Same with the gay people who listen to the show.
	Men.
	Anyone who's listening to this show, you want a higher vibrational plane than the rest of society.
	You are better than they are.
	And that's why you should gamble.
	Okay?
	Because you got it.
	They don't got it.
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	Make your daddy proud.
	Make your wife and kids proud and win some goddamn money for Christ.
	Bob and Sue, my friend Paul had these parents, Bob and Sue.
Drunk And Proud 00:13:31
	A Sue has always got to be a crazy bitch.
	Oh, yeah.
	A Sue.
	She's not a good name.
	I have an aunt Sue.
	They call her Charlie.
	She closes down the bars with the boys.
	Charlie.
	They call her Charlie.
	Her husband goes, Charlie, I love it.
	She's great.
	Charlie.
	One day they live in this place and it's awesome.
	Rockaway Beach, Queens has these little courtyards of summer bungalows that are full of Irish people.
	And they just get bombed at bars called Healy's in the Irish Circle.
	And one day, not my family, but the family that lived across the little courtyard from them, the daughter came in and she was bombed.
	And you could tell she was just wobbling.
	And she was like 17.
	And everyone in the court was laughing.
	Like, she could barely stand.
	And the mother walks out and goes, you know, she had some dumb Irish niggas.
	She's like, Maddie or Flanagan.
	Are you drunk?
	And she goes, no.
	And then she spins around and exorcist vomits.
	And then she looks right at her mother and goes, I'm not drunk and your cooking sucks.
	The whole court applauded, started applauding her, applauding her.
	She sits down, this girl who can barely move, and somebody turns around, I swear to God, and goes, you want a glass of wine?
	You know what I mean?
	I pity people that went to college in a 401k price and don't have these stories.
	Yeah.
	What would you do without the stories?
	Yeah.
	You know?
	I know.
	We grew up Christians, so we had to like jam them all into like 22 to 25.
	Yeah, you guys, you guys basically went on rum spring, which is that Amish year where they just go out and fucking suck.
	I really did.
	I did like mushrooms for an entire month.
	What was the first time that you guys either got drunk or got high or whatever?
	Because for people that don't know you guys, you guys were in a super conservative Christian church, like real deal.
	Yeah, Church of Christ.
	It was like, if I describe it to people, they're like, yeah, that's a cult that you grew up in.
	So we didn't do, we weren't allowed to say but until we were like 15.
	That's how conservative was.
	Can't say fart.
	Can't say fart.
	So the first time I did anything bad, I was 20 and I got tricked into it.
	Did you guys start jerking off or did you go like, we're going to be, we're going to go to hell?
	I mean, you're 12, so you're going to jerk off, but you just like.
	But you felt guilty.
	I thought I was going to be tortured in hell for all eternity.
	So funny.
	I used to jerk off in like a bad comic joke.
	I literally used to cry afterwards because I thought I was going to go.
	Really?
	I thought I was going to be raped by the devil in hell forever.
	You jack off and then you feel bad and then you pray and you pray that God will forgive you.
	And it's, it's sort of this, this rush.
	It's a high you get because it's like you think you're going to hell while you're doing it.
	I used to do that, but I would, because I was jerking off to Aaron Carter.
	So I would also cry afterwards because I'm like, there's something wrong here.
	You are going to hell.
	Yeah, for sure.
	But by the way, I hope so.
	I hope I'm in hell with the Murdoch.
	You guys can go to heaven with some loser.
	Tim, I used to, no joke, I would lay in bed because our dad told us the world would be destroyed in a wall of fire one day when Judgment Day came along, like a thief in the night.
	Yeah.
	So I would lay in bed just wait because I hadn't been baptized yet.
	So I knew I was going to hell and I was jerking off.
	So I used to just lay in bed waiting for the wall of fire to come through the wall and just take me to hell.
	Why don't they baptize you?
	You got to earn it.
	You got to choose.
	It's kind of like bar mitzvah.
	Like when you're like 13, 14, you have to choose to be saved.
	Catholics, it's just boom.
	Yeah.
	Just get taken care of.
	At birth.
	My grandfather like baptized one of the kids in the sink because like the mother was like, we don't know if he's going to be religious.
	My grandfather's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, great.
	Just throw some water at us.
	He's going with us, Jew face.
	My dawn apparently was Hassan.
	And we thought, you know, a little Jew in there.
	I'm Sephardic, probably.
	We don't know.
	But so what was the first time?
	Like, was it when you went to college?
	Did you guys drink in high school?
	I drank, it was the day after my high school graduation.
	I was 19, I think at the time.
	And I was at a house party on a ranch, like 20 miles away from anyone.
	I got tricked into it.
	Somebody was like, hey, try this OJ.
	And they put Everqueer and a bunch of Sweden Low in it.
	So I went and taste the Everqueer.
	And then I got drunk off that.
	I started just, you know, fucking like going crazy, like taking my shirt off and shit.
	And you were like, did you feel like, oh, this is the shit?
	I was, I'm like, I'm going to do this every day for the next seven years.
	And I did.
	Yeah.
	You're just like, this is, I guess this is how normal people feel.
	Yeah.
	But the thing is, we didn't learn how to have fun the way like Tim had fun, like walking around Long Island, smoking weed, getting high.
	Like you learned how to have fun at early age.
	It prepared me for literally the only job I can ever have, which is this.
	I mean, it really.
	Yeah.
	There's no.
	We used to like drink in a closet because we were like ashamed and just get drunk and then just like sit in a living room.
	And that was our fun.
	And so when you both went to a Christian college and you were the first time with no supervision, that's when.
	That's when shit hit the fan.
	Yeah.
	Like drinking and driving pretty much every night.
	We go to like Walmart's.
	We do donuts on the highway.
	We were like insane.
	But it was Texas.
	Everybody drunk and drove.
	That was the most fun you could have is drink and drive, really.
	I mean, let me tell you right now, I am a huge proponent of drinking.
	There is nothing that feels better than being intoxicated behind the wheel of a car.
	What was your go-to song that you guys, these dogs got to calm down?
	This fucking Aussie needs to be fucking CBD oil.
	Cut it out.
	Yeah, she needs a CBD.
	Sorry, they hate drinking.
	What was your go-to playlist you would turn on when you drink and drive?
	I like 3.6 mafia.
	So the album, what was the first G-Unit album?
	Was it Get Rich or Die Trying?
	That was 50 Cent.
	Yeah, Get Richard Die Trying.
	In the club.
	Yeah, Wangsta, all that.
	Yeah, yeah.
	That was a big one.
	Diplomats.
	Sure.
	Blueprint 2, Jay-Z, Godson Nas.
	You know, good shit.
	On the last reel, alive.
	Come on, just the Patreon episode.
	On the last reel, alive.
	Jadakiss, The Locks, Styles P.
	I got high.
	Lil Billy Joel.
	Oh, sure.
	Lease.
	Hendrix Joplin.
	I mean, it was eclectic.
	We were all over.
	I was all over the place.
	And then, you know, some emo shit, some Blink 182, some starting line, best of me.
	Where are they right now?
	You just blacked out while it's.
	I mean, that OAR.
	I used to go out with this girl who loved that song, Crazy Game of Poker.
	What is it?
	This is a crazy game of poker.
	I lost it all.
	What else was good or not good, but what else were we listening to?
	The general.
	That's on dispatch.
	I have seen the other.
	We have this.
	It's not worth fighting.
	Oh, yeah.
	I mean, Nirvana.
	Sure.
	All that shit.
	I mean, whatever.
	I'm just naming shit that I just remember is like popping into my head.
	Pearl Jam ever.
	Yeah, dude.
	The Pearl Jam.
	That Foxy Brown song.
	Biggie Pac.
	Like all that shit.
	Run DMC.
	Cameron.
	Cameron.
	Love that shit.
	Whatever, man.
	But there's no better feeling.
	There's a few great feelings.
	There's no better feeling than pulling in your driveway wrecked.
	Beautiful.
	No better feeling.
	It's a chosen moment.
	This is when you pull into your driveway and you are wrapped.
	And you just pull in.
	You take the keys out of the ignition.
	Get out of the car.
	You light the ciggy.
	And you're like, I'm home.
	And I'm a smart guy.
	You feel like accomplished.
	Yeah.
	You feel like you just got into college.
	That's a white trash getting into college.
	That's an acceptance letter.
	You're like, I'm smart and I'm responsible.
	You actually internalize it as you did the right thing.
	I did the right thing.
	I know where my car.
	Because, dude, I used to get so fucked up.
	I'd wake up.
	I'd go to this bar in my town and I'm like, where's my car?
	And they're like, we don't even know.
	And I'm like, what happened?
	They're like, you went to another bar.
	You were doing Coke.
	I was like a big lunatic Republican.
	They're like, you were doing Coke and yelling about how the Iraq war is the best thing that's ever happened.
	And that we need to honor our commitment.
	They were like, you were just screaming and talking about we need to honor our commitment to the people of Iraq.
	Just in fact, I coked out.
	Like, we need to honor our commitment to the Iraqi people.
	What about the Kurds?
	And they're like, I'm like, I'm like, where's my car?
	Like, we have no idea.
	Right.
	Just flying.
	We have no idea where your car is.
	And we'd have to like detective work, like drive around.
	My friend Brian Haffy would come pick me up.
	He'd be like, oh, he talks like this.
	And he'd go.
	Hey.
	When I bought my house, Brian was in the car.
	We're driving 2007, 2006, 2007.
	We're driving to the closing.
	I had never even seen the house.
	I'm buying a house I've never seen.
	Not even pictures online.
	Pictures online.
	That is it.
	Yeah.
	This total scam.
	Buying this house I've never seen.
	I'm in the car.
	My friend Brian Haffey.
	I go.
	He goes, where are we going?
	I said, Brian was like a legendary kid.
	He like fell all the time.
	He barely knew how to walk.
	It's just, he would sit in a chair and like shake.
	He drank so much.
	He's like dying.
	He was a little guy and he just drank so much.
	My friend's dad took him out on a boat.
	He like fell off the boat.
	He did.
	He was wild, dude.
	He was so, me and him got in so much trouble.
	I remember one time, dude, one time we were, and I'll get back to this other story.
	This is maybe one of my favorites.
	Well, let me just tell the house thing first.
	We're in the car and I say, I'm buying a house.
	And instead of going, how are you doing that?
	How does this work?
	What's wrong with you?
	He went, you're doing good.
	We're just smoking a fat blunt.
	One of my favorite things ever.
	He had a brother.
	It was like special needs.
	We were just smoking weed all day, all day.
	And he pulls up to his house.
	He goes, I just got to run in.
	He goes, I got to run in.
	He goes, nobody's going to be home.
	I got to run in, get my check.
	You get his check from work, cash it.
	We'll get more weed.
	We pull up to his house.
	There's like 10 cars outside.
	He goes like this.
	He goes, oh, fuck.
	He looks at his phone.
	He's got like 48 missed calls.
	He goes, and I said, what's going on?
	He goes, it's my brother's birthday.
	We got to go in.
	I'm like, we got to go in.
	He goes, dude, we got to go in this house.
	I'm like, I'm not a member of your family.
	He's like, don't abandon me now.
	Because we got to go in the house.
	I'm like, where are we going to say we've been for the last 48 hours?
	He goes like this.
	He goes, I don't know.
	Literally, he's like swaying.
	He's so high.
	He walks up to the house.
	His mother opens the door.
	Looks at both of us.
	Just shakes her head and goes like this.
	She goes, she looks at both of us and she goes, you're a disgrace.
	We walk in.
	His brother's like smiling.
	His brother got a nose.
	We like, we're saying hello to the family.
	We smell like weed.
	The family's staring at us like friends are there.
	Neighbors are there.
	It's totally embarrassing.
	So we walk back and his father comes out back and he goes, you think you two guys will ever get tired of being total fuck ups?
	Brian goes, you know, I forgot about it.
	Dude, he was a guy.
	When I bought my house, we just used to get high in the house I bought and watch Reno 911 DVDs.
	We'd watch seasons of Reno 911 and the Enron documentary, Smartest Guys.
	Holy shit.
	We loved it.
	We'd watch it over and over again, just so fucking high.
	That sounds amazing.
	Dude, in a house that was like decorated like 1970s, it had like thick carpets and weird wallpaper.
	I had just bought it.
Psychedelic House Plans 00:15:45
	The market had just crashed.
	I was trying to get tenants in it.
	I was like 22 years old.
	We had this fat raccoon.
	This thing was a beast and it lived in a tree and it would like paw at the door to get in the house.
	Like it would paw at the door like unafraid, like let me in.
	We just sat there and you'd see its shadow.
	It was just walking around.
	How about death?
	It was just Oscar.
	And Brian, yeah, it looked like Oscar the cat.
	And Brian would look out back.
	He'd be like, that's a big piece of shit.
	Dude, he was, I mean, but he was just a wild dude.
	He's one of those dudes.
	He was a wild guy.
	We had a lot of, dude, we had a lot of fucking fun.
	You got to get that out of your system, honestly.
	Well, it was a decade, you know, and that.
	You had to.
	You wonder some people don't have to go through that.
	Yeah.
	And then they just kind of collapse into this like, what do you call it, been a non-player character in PC?
	Yeah.
	Just like the most boring person who, like, they watch The Bachelor and they like fantasy football.
	And then, you know, they kill themselves.
	Some people do it at 40.
	Some people just at 40 when like they've raised their kids, their kids are in their teens and they start to flip out.
	Yeah.
	Like a Jimmy Buffett type guy.
	Yeah, some people have that midlife crisis.
	Dude gets a sports car.
	He's like, but I mean, what was your first, because you were a golfer.
	When did you start boozing, Ben?
	I didn't start drinking until I left the church.
	And this is what I'm saying.
	Like, I didn't know how to have fun.
	The first time I drank, I watched that movie, Paul.
	Do you remember that piece of shit?
	It already was Simon Pegg.
	Yeah.
	And he was with the alien.
	I drank 12 shots watching that movie with my friend of Smirnoff apple vodka.
	Jesus.
	That was the first time I ever drank anything.
	I drank 12 shots and I threw up.
	And then that was it.
	And it was like, I was like, oh, I woke up.
	I was like, that was awesome.
	I was like, that was the best time I've ever had in my entire life.
	And that's what I did every night for like seven years.
	This was amazing.
	I'm trying to think the first time I remember drinking, I think I was in 11th grade and I went with my friend Ryan Waslagger, who's now married and has a kid and is a good dude.
	We went to the Roosevelt Field Mall.
	Okay.
	And we had dinner at this place called the California, whatever it was.
	It was like some bullshit Long Island's idea of like an upscale e-restaurant.
	And it was like, you know, just like, it was like California style grilled pizzas and salads and whatever.
	And their special was like apple martinis.
	So we just started drinking these like sewage colored apple martinis.
	Just like ecto cooler color, like that green.
	And we just got kind of drunk.
	And I remember his dad came and picked us up, but we like played it off.
	We like, now, by the way, I had done every other drug before that.
	Really?
	I had done LSD.
	I had done cocaine.
	I'd smoked weed.
	I had taken pills all before that.
	But from 13, 14, 15, I'd done all that shit.
	But the first time I drank was like an 11th grade.
	And then I started falling in love with booze.
	Yeah.
	I love booze.
	It's great.
	But there was nothing better than weed the first couple years that you got to smoke it.
	It's better than booze, but then the weed stops working.
	The paranoia comes.
	Well, here's what happens, right?
	So there's certain types of fun.
	And for me, the fun, like the most, I love laughing and I love making people laugh, right?
	So the funnest times I think I ever had were being stoned as a teenager with my friends and just laughing at ridiculous shit.
	Like with the cold and a ton of stone.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	We used to, we did this game where we would go make up a slogan for a thing.
	So like when we were really stoned and like this was later on we were we were in our maybe early 20s and they would give you a thing you'd have to make a slogan and cold stone.
	I remember one day they were like, what about cold stone?
	Like what's a jingle?
	It would have to be a jingle.
	I just went.
	I was really, I was really fucked up and I went.
	It's cool that it's honest to hoot.
	It's cool that it's honest to hoots on.
	We just started laughing.
	You know, we were all community college and had no money and no jobs and still don't.
	But it like that dump, like the dump, like walking around a mall, food court and just you know, getting free samples, eating a ranch, one chicken sandwich, laughing and being like none of this matters.
	We can still save our lives.
	Yeah, and the drinking in high school is a lot of fun.
	I had a lot of fun drinking in high school and then, right after high school, then you know I was in college and then it starts to become a little less fun because you're at a community college and all your other friends are going away to college and you're smoking weed with a guy named Buns, who people update me on.
	Buns are like I know Buns.
	They're like my mother gave Buns his nickname.
	I didn't even know Buns that well.
	He just had great weed.
	It was maybe the best weed i've still ever smoked and we would smoke it on the top level of the parking garage at at the mall.
	Loser, real loser, like not even fun loser, so like when that era.
	So I was like uh.
	And then I got into mortgages and I discovered booze and coke, which I never really did at the same time.
	I was always just like either cocaine, like I.
	It was weird, I just liked blow, I would.
	I never really mixed a ton of drugs.
	I was kind of a pussy.
	I was like I don't want to od or whatever.
	So I never mixed a lot.
	That's probably the only reason i'm alive.
	I never did like pills and blow, and if I was doing, I would do like weed booze will kill you the first time yeah, so like I didn't do any of that.
	But that level of fun was like I had a car.
	So then that's a whole different thing, right?
	So you have a car and you have to worry about your car.
	Like I own a car or I have a car, you have to worry about that.
	But when you're 15 and you're just walking around your town shrooming out yep, smoking weed, shrooming out, there was a.
	My friend's mother, Barbara Magoo, had a.
	Okay, i'm gonna say a slur okay, but let me tell you.
	Let me tell you why I have to say it.
	Okay, warming up for this, this is not i'm gonna, this is not something that I endorse, but I have to say it because this is what happened.
	I don't want to lie to people.
	I I don't use this terminology.
	You're a storyteller.
	There were two people in our town that had a light green Ford Taurus, and one of them was my friend's mother.
	The other one was the guy that delivered for the Chinese Spot.
	So every time we would see this Ford Taurus and we were like stoned.
	We didn't want to talk to his mom, so we would dive behind the bush and then one of us would just be like it's the chink, it's the chink, I'm proud of that, but that's what happened.
	We didn't hate the guy, but that's what it is.
	He probably saw us, goes, let's do those two fat fucks.
	Oh, it's a fat fat.
	So that's why I had to say the slur.
	Right.
	Yeah, dude.
	I had to.
	I couldn't say the C word.
	Well, you called him a cunt.
	Why are we calling him a cunt?
	That's the reality.
	And but that dude, I remember between the ages of 13 and probably like 15, those two years of my life were spent walking around my town stoned and terrified of bumping into someone you knew, like your parents.
	Oh, God.
	So you would just be like looking out.
	Whose car is that?
	Is it my mother's white van?
	Is it your mom's green Taurus?
	Yeah.
	Well, we went to college, me and Ben, in the town where we grew up.
	So we had to go to church still three times a week.
	So there was a lot of times I was throwing up that morning.
	There was one story I actually, I threw up that morning, ironed my new slacks to go to church because my family would be suspicious.
	Ironed them for like 10 minutes.
	I'm like dizzy, like, you know, all over the place.
	I finished ironing them and immediately throw up on the ironing board as soon as I'm done.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	All for nothing.
	Drunk driving to church.
	Yeah, drunk driving to church.
	Couldn't take the communion because if I did, I would throw up.
	I had to palm taking the communion.
	What?
	What do you think diverted you from golf?
	Because you were tapped to be like a real golf guy, right?
	Yeah.
	I mean, I was all state in high school and I played in college.
	The problem is, dude, is freshman year of college, my family left and I didn't have any friends.
	And that's when I stopped going to church.
	And so I had a huge falling out with them, you know, because my dad's very upset.
	My mom's upset.
	I didn't have, I was going to a Christian college where everyone was Christian.
	So I was very isolated.
	I was very lonely.
	You were also living in an empty house.
	I was living in the empty house that I grew up in because moments.
	That's where you met Katie at college?
	Yeah, it's where I met Katie.
	So my first year, I gained the, well, they call it the freshman 40.
	I gained about 50 pounds.
	So you just lost interest in golf.
	I lost all confidence in myself.
	I thought I was an asshole because I didn't have any friends.
	I ate alone every day.
	And I just, I just, there were like days where I would lay my head on my pillow and I'd realize that I hadn't opened my mouth that day.
	I hadn't spoken to anybody.
	I just didn't have any friends.
	So that's the good old days.
	So the first year of playing golf.
	God, it's so funny.
	I'm such a loud fire.
	I've never had that dinner.
	I've never went to bed and went every day I go to bed.
	I'm like, I've said at least 4,000 words today to strangers if I have to.
	People at bus stops.
	You at a Buddhist temple.
	I was the only guy like on a bus stop talking about how great George W. Bush was.
	Like coked out of my head, just on a bus stop in Long Island being like, yeah, these fucking liberals.
	They're trying to take everything from us.
	Some Spanish lady like nodding with her two babies.
	I'm like, you support Bush.
	I'm like, I remember one day I was on a bus.
	Dude, I mean, I turned around to a kid.
	We're both taking a bus.
	Okay.
	I turn around to him.
	It's 2004, 2003, like during the election, Bush v. Kerry.
	And I look at, I'm taking a bus to community college.
	I'm stoned.
	I'm not even a full-time student anymore.
	Like, I've dropped classes.
	And I just look at this guy in the bus and I'm like, it's not even Bush.
	I'm like, with Bush, we get fucking Cheney.
	And this big long island lug looks at me.
	He's like, I love Dick Cheney, man.
	I mean, is there anything better?
	Is there anything better?
	The tables of being an idiot, being an ignorant moron who is nice barely.
	And here's the thing: they haven't evolved.
	Like, no, everyone's still doing that out there.
	It's Trump now.
	They're like, we got Donald now.
	Nobody gives a shit.
	It's a better wife.
	Dude, it's a life where like it's a life where you don't really, you don't think too deeply about that life out there is full of people just fucking up and then getting back to zero.
	Just getting back to even.
	That's a lot of my friends.
	Just like, like, I'd bump a new guy.
	I'm like, hey, Pete, how you doing?
	I haven't seen you in a while.
	He's like, got it, Dewey.
	Sent me back two years on my plan.
	I'm like, you plan?
	What plan?
	She's like, sent me back two years on my plan, but that's okay.
	He's like, now I'm, she's like, now I'm working for my father.
	Yo, construction with my father.
	I'm like, oh, good, man.
	That's awesome.
	What about you?
	When's the first time you?
	I mean, I was going to church until I was 30.
	So like, I was really.
	Wow, you were in, dude.
	I was in it.
	I mean, they let me play my fucking drums.
	They let me, I used to do all these videos for a church that had like nine campuses.
	It's a huge church.
	So I'd get to do these comedy videos and shit like that.
	But I didn't start smoking.
	I didn't do anything.
	When I started doing stand-up at 30 is when I stopped going to church.
	And then I found weed at like 32.
	Oh, wow.
	Smoked that for the first time at like 32, 33, threw up because I had like one drink and it threw me off.
	Yeah, we were just in a garage in Clovis, California, you know, watching.
	I think we were watching, what the fuck, a Deerdick?
	What's that?
	Rob Rob Deerdick show.
	Fantasy factory.
	We're watching fucking fantasy.
	You had your 20s in your 30s.
	I really, dude, I 100% did.
	I 100% did.
	Captain, like, when's the first time you smoke weed?
	I was like, I was 46.
	46 years old.
	Late 40s.
	Late 40s.
	Golden years.
	No, I waited for a long time and then I fucking jumped in.
	It's like the movie being there.
	You got to do it.
	You got to do it, bro.
	And I got, I mean, when I started smoking weed, I started finding my other buddies that I'd been friends with at church.
	Yeah.
	They were, you know, some of those guys would smoke weed too.
	And so I just, I mean, some of my favorite times were just like sitting on the side of a field on a camping trip, just fucking high as a kite, calling each other gay for six hours.
	Well, one thing I never got into was camping.
	Like that was a big thing.
	People used to do, dude, I wasted psychedelics like nobody.
	I wasted psychedelics like nobody's business.
	Dude, I hear all these stories about the way people used to do psychedelics.
	They're like, I took shrooms and I went to the woods, man.
	And I realized nature.
	Dude, I remember the first time I was on shrooms.
	I was in the, maybe not the first time.
	The first, a few of the times I would go to the beach, I would do the right thing.
	But I remember being on ACID.
	This was when I was on ACID.
	I was in the Garden City Hotel, which is like a high-end hotel in Long Island.
	And I was on ACID and I had this like dumb little suit jacket on.
	And I was turning around a guy next to me.
	I'm like, people in Rockville Center, which is another town, I'm like, they don't have any fucking money, these people.
	Totally, like the whole thing was lost on me.
	It's your grandma.
	I like double down on materialism being high.
	I'm like, you know, where these trails look good?
	Louis Vuitton.
	Like, I took the MT.
	It didn't work.
	I went to the other side.
	I started telling the aliens.
	I started trying to sell them.
	Capitalism's the way.
	I started selling them timeshares.
	The entities are sitting down.
	They're like, well, that does make sense.
	I do like going on vacation.
	Dude, the second time I did mushrooms, we were camping at the bottom of a canyon and it started raining.
Uncle Steve Unrest 00:04:05
	And so it's literally flooding.
	Like we're in the camper.
	We look out.
	All our shoes have flowed out with the just this river that came out of nowhere.
	I'm on shrooms.
	I go outside.
	I take my shirt off.
	I take my shoes off.
	And I'm like running.
	My friends are like, you're running to the top of the hill, like spinning around.
	I'm like, we'll be fine.
	Like, we're going to be fine.
	And then they're like, well, we should leave.
	I wouldn't literally talk to the trooper there, whatever the fuck they call it, guys.
	And he's like, yeah, you'll be fine.
	We got a tarp.
	It was beautiful.
	It was beautiful.
	I dug a channel from like where our camping was into the natural river, saw it flow.
	And I'm just like telling my buddies, like, see, it all works out, guys.
	You're about to kill yourself.
	Yeah.
	You're about to end your own life.
	You've got a knife at your throat.
	Yeah.
	I think the first time I went raining, it like turned me off to camping.
	One of the first times I went with my Uncle Steve, and my uncle Steve took me and my little cousin Brendan camping, and it rained for like 48 hours straight.
	And my uncle Steve, we just sat in the tent and he listened to national public radio the whole time, you know?
	And he was like, this country's run by war criminals.
	And I'm like, and later on, ironically, I was very susceptible to that message.
	But at that point, I was just like, this isn't fun.
	Where's the toasted marshmallow?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Where's the that's like your movie moment?
	Like the beginning of Tim Dylan is in that tent.
	In that tent, just sitting there.
	One day all ran about war criminals.
	Yeah.
	I was like, one day this will be my life.
	I'll be he's a fun guy, man.
	Sometimes at Christmas, he'll be like, I like a little unrest, civil unrest.
	He's like, I don't want anyone to get hurt.
	But he's like, there's nothing wrong with a little lamb's blood on the door.
	And I'm like, all right.
	We wish you a merry Christmas.
	We wish you.
	I mean, some people have dark lives.
	I like it's one of those things where that's where my humor is dark because I knew dark people.
	I just knew dark people.
	And we just, this is the way it was.
	And, you know, that's why I laugh at the shit I laugh at.
	And I think shit's fucked up.
	Yeah.
	Well, because you lived a real life.
	Yeah.
	Well, I live something.
	I mean, I live some.
	We've talked about it.
	The fact that we were, all three of us were raised in the church.
	Like, if we were better off being in dated with just lies, but in the safety of religion, you know, as opposed to.
	Yeah, when we were watching Euphoria, we were like, thank God, we grew up in the church.
	All these girls are just getting railed out.
	They're on pills.
	They're selling nudes to pedophiles on the internet.
	I mean, it's horrific.
	Doesn't it make you grateful when you watch that?
	No, I want to be selling nudes to pedophiles, honestly.
	Yeah, well, I didn't get to take that opportunity.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, I didn't know.
	So that's a television show.
	Like, I don't know.
	That's what it's like, right?
	Is it?
	I talked to my friend's brother, who's 15, and he said they do this thing on Instagram where they rate the girls where they'll just post a picture of one of the girls in the class and all the guys comment about their features, personality, and would they date or would they not?
	And guys will rate like two out of tens.
	I mean, that's a shitty thing to do, but weren't they doing that in the 50s outside of a diner somewhere?
	Yeah.
	Right.
	They just did that on the radio.
	I found a piece of paper.
	I mean, I thought you were going to say something much worse.
	Yeah, that is shitty.
	Shitty to do.
	But that's how Facebook got started.
	Where does he live?
	Houston.
	I mean, I couldn't.
	Is it like that bad?
	Like, have you talked to him about the school shootings and shit?
	Is he doing the drills?
	No, I'm kidding.
	I don't talk to anyone that age.
	So are they doing drills?
	Is that really happening?
	I guess it is, right?
	I was talking about going through it.
	Yeah, they have my fucking nine-year-old is doing shooter drills.
	Dude, that's fucking daddy.
	You got to walk in a serpentine pattern, daddy, to avoid the bad.
	That is fucking crazy.
	Yeah, that's very bleak.
	That is bleak.
	She also just believes 9-11 happened and didn't ask why.
	What the fuck is wrong with her?
American Coup Borders 00:13:23
	It's the cereals you feed.
	Dude, I'm telling something, man.
	It's because I vaccinated this bitch into being a sheep.
	Yeah.
	No, would you learn 9-11?
	Well, what happened?
	People flew their planes into the towers.
	Hey, can I play Fortnite when I get home?
	I'm like, well, did they tell you why?
	No, no.
	Like, interesting.
	Dude, I remember being stoned and having them going, they hate us for our freedom and believing that.
	Right.
	And then like years later, I'm like, oh, I was so stupid.
	Like, I was just taken for a ride like everybody else.
	When did you flip on that, Tim?
	When did you get into conspiracy theories in general?
	I'd been listening to Alex Jones since 1999 or 2000, like on the GCN network.
	Like I would, no, like almost immediately.
	But it says on his Instagram profile.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Watching Alex Jones's 99.
	Ride or die for Alex's 99.
	AJ all day.
	When did I really get into them?
	I was always kind of flirting with them, but I was still not swayed by them until I was really what got me into them hardcore.
	And I've been into them for a while, but the financial crisis.
	Because when that happened, and I realized how everything was like pretend.
	Like the entire economy was based on nothing.
	You got to remember that I was like not like people imagine like all of us mortgage guys knowing that this was going to happen.
	No one really did.
	Like I was handing my family out my business card.
	I thought we were just selling mortgages and like I bought one of those mortgages and I was like, yeah, they're a fixed rate for two or three years and then they'll adjust.
	But at that time, we'll all just refine.
	Like I was 22.
	I didn't know.
	And then when the economy came crashing down, I knew that like we knew we were trying to make money.
	We knew that.
	I didn't realize how everything, because every adult, every person, I mean, I was working for guys.
	These were middle-aged guys, some of them that had wives and families and kids and houses and cars.
	And then we have the president coming on TV and being like, Americans are homeownerships at its highest level.
	70% of Americans own houses, which everyone should have went, how the fuck did that?
	What?
	What?
	But it was all.
	And then when that started to happen, I started to realize because I was like, well, my parents, like my mom went to college, my dad didn't go to college.
	But I was like, all of our past, like everybody that we know is kind of fucked.
	But I was like, then I was around all these people who are just making all kinds of money, essentially doing, you know, selling these mortgages that were backed by nothing and based on nothing.
	And then when that whole thing started to fall apart and unravel, I found myself questioning a lot of other things and being like, well, if everybody was so wrong about this.
	Yep.
	And if, and, and then a lot of people, you grow up and you realize that a lot of people were just sucking as much money out of the system as they could before the eventual collapse.
	But that was what started making me think like, oh, I bet that there's a lot of other instances where it's like, I started to become very, very cynical about everything after that happened.
	And I would say I started to get into them then.
	And I had been into them, but that's when I started going a little deeper in them.
	Yeah.
	And like, how does the economy work?
	What is the U.S. dollar backed by?
	You know, like I, you know, I started questioning a lot of those things.
	Does the president do what we all think they do?
	Like, is it the internet started to become more predominant at that point, too?
	Yeah.
	So you could investigate this stuff easily.
	Yeah.
	And I just started reading a lot.
	And then really the thing that really got me was a book called Family Secrets by Russ Baker.
	That was the book that I read.
	And I read it in 2007 when the economy crashed at Borders.
	I bought it in Long Island and Borders where I used to jerk off in the bathroom drunk.
	I went to the California Pizza Kitchen, got hammered, and I would jerk off the Borders bathroom and then go home like an American, like a good American.
	And I went into Borders.
	Was it Barnes and Noble?
	No, it was Borders at that time.
	Or maybe it was sold to Barnes and Noble, whatever.
	And I went in and I got this book, Family of Secrets, by Russ Baker, which I really can't recommend enough.
	And I read it.
	And after I read it, I went, okay.
	I now, because things started to make sense to me that didn't make sense.
	And I'm like, oh, I get it.
	Because you think to yourself, you're like, how have the Bushes been in the White House?
	Like, you got to remember, HW was a vice president and a president for one term.
	So that's 12 years.
	And his son was a president for two terms.
	So that's eight years.
	Right.
	So that's 20 years.
	Most of my life, there was a Bush in the White House doing something.
	And it was interesting to me why.
	I'm like, why is and then all the other books that came out were like, Bush is an idiot.
	Bush is dumb.
	Remember, that was a whole genre of books.
	Bush is a dummy and he's a cowboy.
	And I'm like, yeah, but that's not explaining anything.
	And this is what we're doing now with Trump.
	Like, he's Russia.
	He's orange.
	He's the buffoon.
	But so that book opened my eyes to this idea that the Bushes were not masters as much as they were servants.
	Like they are masters, clearly.
	But they serve a class of people that I had never heard of, really, that I had never done any meaningful research into this group of very powerful, very wealthy people that were always kind of behind the scenes.
	And then I started reading about things like when FDR was president, there were a lot of wealthy industrialists in this country were going to have a coup.
	They wanted to overthrow FDR.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	And there was a general, and I forget the name, Ben, like Jamie would have had the name already.
	Thanks.
	He's playing with the dog.
	You got to slap him around a little bit.
	You know?
	FDR coup.
	There was a general that they had all got behind.
	And this is not really taught in history books.
	And you have to look all of this shit up, right?
	And I forget the guy's name, attempted coup against FDR.
	Smedley Butler.
	Smedley Butler.
	Smedley.
	Smedley Butler was a general name.
	And they were going to like, there was all these plans, dude, to like march on Washington.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah.
	And take it by force.
	Yeah.
	And it was never really brought up and talked about.
	And then maybe 20 years later or whatever, you know, or 25 years later, Kennedy gets popped.
	Yeah.
	So you start to piece this stuff together and you start to read about this and you start to go, oh, that group of people really is very uncomfortable with democracy on any level, even the Republic.
	They don't want anybody being able to impact their livelihoods and cost them billions of dollars, which makes sense to an extent when people go, well, if Kennedy is going to stop us from mining in the Amazon basin and stealing these minerals, or if Kennedy is going to make it harder for us to drill for oil, or if he's not going to,
	if the CIA is not going to play ball and overthrow the governments in these Latin American countries so that United Fruit can go in there.
	And that's why a lot of these governments were overthrown because, you know, American corporations, multinational, big corporations, British corporations, the whole coup in Iran was BP, British petroleum.
	They were going to nationalize the oil and they were going to, you know, so if these governments were not playing ball with American corporate interest, the CIA found a way to get rid of them.
	Or the CIA found a way to foment a coup in their own country.
	So when you start reading all about that shit, you start understanding, you're like, well, then, well, why is the CIA doing this?
	Who are they working for?
	And you're like, oh, it's the same people the Bushes are working for, that same crew.
	And it's not 10 guys in a room.
	And that took me a while to realize, too, because you think, oh, it's just these eight guys smoking cigars.
	And I'm sure there are lots of collections of eight guys smoking cigars.
	But it's a class of people that's ever evolving, ever changing.
	They don't all like each other.
	They don't all have the same interests, but a lot of them have very similar interests.
	And the way Russ Baker said, he's like, these people will sue each other.
	They'll fight each other.
	They'll take each other to court.
	But if an outsider threatens them, they will unite immediately to vanquish that outsider.
	You know?
	Do you buy into this whole, I've been thinking about this a lot.
	Jews?
	Well, let's go there.
	No, I'm kidding.
	It's a joke.
	You read my book.
	A lot of Christians making money off war.
	Sorry, alt-right.
	Oh, yeah.
	And far left.
	I support Israel.
	Never been there.
	Don't really care to go.
	I'm more of a Rome guy.
	I would, I don't know.
	Maybe I will go to Israel.
	I was going to say, do you, I've been thinking about, like, you think of social media, like it's kind of like the collective unconscious made into an actual thing.
	And that unconscious can now be fucked with in terms of algorithms.
	And is that like a way of these elites kind of controlling the discourse of dude?
	I will tell you this.
	I don't know as much as I should about tech.
	And I will say this.
	What I know is terrifying.
	Yeah.
	What I know is terrifying.
	I think social media has gotten away from the elites a little bit too.
	I think technology has gotten away from them.
	And I think they're trying to clamp down because I think it has woke people up a little bit.
	And it has made it much harder to pull off certain things.
	Like Epstein stuff.
	All of that stuff.
	Dude, we would not know about Epstein without social media.
	You'd have no fucking clue.
	It would be hearsay.
	The major media would not print it.
	It would be some fucking journal.
	It would be in like Mother Jones.
	It would be in some thing that barely anybody read.
	It would be, and nobody would talk about it.
	There would be no Trump, a guy like Trump, whatever you think about Trump, would have not gotten off the ground.
	Neither would have Bernie Sanders, you know, because they would have been shut out.
	Right.
	Do you think they could like readjust?
	I might be wrong, but like readjusting, like just being like, okay, let's distract people while we buy all the water for the fucking Mad Max times in 20 years.
	They don't get people to argue about transgender bathrooms.
	Yeah.
	Here's the thing.
	I don't even think that they have to put that much effort in to distracting us.
	I just think that pretty much we're rotten to the core.
	I think it's decades of food additives, drug use, pharmaceuticals, bad living.
	I just think it's a steady diet of sugar, carbs, fat, booze, pills.
	Shit ton of pills.
	Shit ton of pills.
	I think people are worked to the point where they are on the edge of a nervous breakdown.
	And then the art that we consume gets worse and worse.
	And I mean, it just, you know, it's simplistic.
	Not all of it.
	Some of it's great.
	But I mean, if you look at like mainstream shit, none of it's telling you to question anything.
	No.
	None of it's telling you to examine anything.
	Late night shows are just celebrities lip-syncing.
	That's what people want.
	Oh, yeah.
	I mean, it's talent shows.
	Yeah.
	It's like an app rally.
	Yeah.
	And I think my whole thing is I think Americans know down deep that this is all built on a house of cards.
	I think Americans know down deep that it's all bad and they don't want to, they don't want to look what's behind door number two.
	I really believe that most people know that.
	And they either delude themselves into thinking that they don't believe that or they just, as George Carlin said, everybody has a cell phone that makes pancakes.
	So people get into gadgets and gizmos.
	And when you read, here's the thing.
	It's almost worse when you wake up and realize how stacked the deck is against you.
	It's really hard to imagine that you're going to do anything.
	Like this girl, Greta Thunberg, that refuses to fly to bring attention to climate change.
	It's like, good, great, whatever.
	But also, what is that going to do?
	Yeah, nothing.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, I understand that it's good to wake up the younger generation.
Developing Country Idealism 00:04:32
	They're going to start demanding things.
	But it's also like, I like the idealism of some of them.
	Some of them, it's been misdirected.
	They direct it into the social justice thing.
	Right.
	But let's be honest.
	How many of these young people are going to grow up and be in their mid-30s or their late 20s and be like, oh, I just got to make money.
	Yeah.
	I don't have the, you know, the guys like David Hogg, they went through a tragedy and whatever.
	They want to be historic figures.
	They want to be there.
	But you know what starts to happen, man?
	I remember after reading that Family of Seagoods book and then I connected with Ray Comp later on and he had also read it.
	But I remember reading that book and putting that book down and going, yeah, you know what?
	Yeah, they won.
	Yeah.
	You know, I hate to say it, but it's like the time to challenge that.
	Like they, like ever since World War II, when Alan Dulles, you know, and those guys created the OSS became the CIA.
	They created the national security state.
	They created essentially a secret government that was accountable to nobody.
	They brought over all the Nazi scientists from Germany.
	Operation Paperclip.
	Operation Paperclip.
	We became a superpower.
	We did certain things to sustain that.
	We became this major massive economic engine.
	All of that, a lot, not all of it, but a fair amount of it was done by our intelligence community doing some very nefarious things all over the world.
	And, you know, this whole idea of just that fiat currency and the idea that the economy is based on this perpetual growth model of like having to keep getting in wars, the boom in the bus cycle, this idea that we can't not be at war.
	We can't not be in a conflict.
	Won't work.
	Like those realizations, you know, Tanahazi Coach, who's a writer, he's, I said a lot of things I think are a little much, but he's a very good writer.
	He said once about these dollar cheeseburgers, he's like, somebody somewhere is paying for those dollar cheeseburgers.
	Like the fact that you can drive up to a restaurant, pay a dollar and get a burger that was made for you for a dollar through a window.
	Someone somewhere's paying for that.
	Like our lives are artificially subsidized by a lot of terrible things.
	And you start to realize that and you're like, ooh, this is no good, you know?
	But also, you know, not to sound cliche, but it's like, what do you do?
	Nothing.
	Really?
	Nothing you can do.
	Really?
	Because it's like, this is now you can do good things.
	You could do charity.
	You could do this.
	You could do that.
	You know, people in developing countries like Rogan does cool things.
	He's investing like the clean water project and all this shit.
	And there's things you can do.
	But when you look at this system, this didn't happen yesterday.
	It didn't happen because of Trump.
	This is a system that's developed over a very, very long time.
	And in order to change that, like it's going to collapse under its own weight slowly, but it's, I don't think it's ever going to look substantively different from the thing that we know.
	Other or it'll just be worse, but it's not going to like it's not going to turn around and become like right.
	It's probably a lot more boring than we want it to be.
	Well, it's everything.
	Like Russ Baker said it.
	He's like, it's not just, it's everything.
	It's the military.
	It's every element, every part of our society looks the way it does because it developed in a certain way.
	And to really unravel this whole fucking, you know, being drunk on cheap credit, putting all these wars on credit, like all of these things to unravel this massive scam.
	Yeah.
	You know, it's almost like now it's like the secretary at Enron being like, you know, we should really make good.
Misguided Military Joy 00:02:56
	And somebody goes, you shut up, put a gun in her mouth.
	You shut up.
	It's too late.
	It's too late.
	You ate the fucking shrimp cocktail.
	You got the company car.
	You went to the fucking hotel.
	You went to the sales conference.
	And then you saw a documentary you didn't like.
	Or you made a documentary.
	Chelsea.
	And I'm not saying totally black pill and totally don't do anything, but like get a fucking clue before you just start spouting off.
	Because the people that are spouting off are like, well, once we get rid of Trump, it's going to be okay.
	Once Lizzie Warren's in, everything will be for.
	No, it's like, no, you'll go back to sleep.
	You'll just go back to sleep.
	You'll just go, okay.
	Things are good now.
	You know, oh, we have the first trans Secretary of Defense.
	Sweet.
	Right.
	James.
	Yeah.
	I mean, it is what it is, man.
	Epstein's dead.
	The guy who accused Kevin Spacey's dead.
	They all really?
	As Jake Paul would say, it's every day, bro.
	It's every day, bro.
	And with that Disney Channel flow.
	And, you know, what are you going to do?
	Yeah.
	How long have we done?
	We got to wrap this.
	Hour 27.
	Oh, that's so.
	You start speaking in a Chinese voice.
	Yeah.
	At the end of the day.
	Yeah.
	And, you know, some people might say that's misguided, but it gives you a moment of joy.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	But I mean, you know what you do?
	You make a documentary called, Hey, Privilege, it's Michelle.
	You fix it all.
	And you do what you got to do.
	You move a little.
	But it's a great book.
	Ben has it downstairs.
	He's not read it.
	He begged for it.
	I gave it to him.
	Thank you very much.
	I will try to read it soon.
	What do you mean, try?
	Can you read?
	I don't understand.
	Try to read it.
	I have the audiobook version if you want it.
	Have you read any of it?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	How great is it?
	It's fucking amazing.
	Dude, it's very, it's, it's just, it's just a constant, because it'd be very easy to listen to it and be like, oh, these guys are full of shit.
	Right.
	But if you pay attention, because the, I mean, like, Bush being there at the fucking JFK assassination.
	And they break it down to where you're going, okay, this makes sense.
	This answers a lot of questions.
	Like you were saying earlier, you get a lot of these logical answers.
	Yeah, we've interviewed Rush three times on Patreon too.
	You can find the episodes.
	Rush?
	Russ Baker.
	Oh, Rush Limbaugh.
	Ladies and gentlemen, it's Rush Limbaugh.
	El Rushbo, the Maharushi.
	I used to drive around Long Island just fucking coked out, listening to Rush.
	My Chevy Subourbon, I could barely afford to put gas in because of a 44-gallon tank.
Succession Tom Hanks Rumors 00:08:47
	And he went away for OxyContin Addiction.
	He came back and his first show back.
	Greatest starting, greatest opening ever.
	He goes, where was I?
	Now, where was I?
	Adam Rush.
	Gunnam.
	But that's what we want.
	We want spectacles.
	You know, we want to.
	It's a beautiful piece of entertainment.
	I think it's going to be beautiful.
	I really do believe that there's something beautiful about the end.
	You know, Doja Cat dancing around with the hat.
	You know, many of our musicians and celebrities now are clearly mentally retarded people that people have gotten behind and just pushed to the front of the line.
	You know, that Billie Eilish is like, what's the young generation into?
	It's like, they like this girl that bleeds from her eyes and dresses up, you know?
	It's like, oh, good.
	But what would they be into?
	Think about what would they be into?
	Right.
	Is Euphoria a good show, by the way?
	I hate it.
	It's fun to watch, but it's not good.
	It's pretty shitty.
	Yeah, it's like the OC.
	Do you ever watch that shit?
	It's those.
	I watch Laguna Beach, which was the reality show.
	Same type of thing.
	But I mean, this is an actual, but you know, you watch it and you're like, this is a piece of shit.
	Isn't there a scene with a bunch of dicks in it?
	There's a billion dicks in the show.
	There's a billion dicks.
	Yeah, it's a show of dicks.
	That's why it's called.
	It's exclusively about high school kids, which is weird, but they're older.
	It's not played by like 17-year-olds, but it's a lot of 16-year-olds getting 18 to play younger, but the fantasy's still alive.
	Yeah.
	All right, well.
	The best show on TV right now, the best two shows are on HBO.
	They are Barry and Succession.
	Right?
	I like Succession a lot.
	Succession is.
	Yeah, I guess Curb is still on.
	Yeah, Curb's great.
	Yeah.
	But what I love about Succession is that, you know, again, it's everything we talk about.
	It's a lot of that stuff.
	And you watch it and you're like, yeah, this is who's controlling the information that you get.
	Those are the, you know, media is very weird.
	Media is a real blood sport.
	There's like five or seven families that own these media conglomerates.
	And they're insanely brutal and they all go at each other and they plant stories about each other in the press.
	And, you know, it's, you know, the Murdochs are one of them.
	That's who likes successions based off.
	There's also like the Sinclair families, the Redstones, that whole thing with Viacom.
	There's like a bunch of them.
	And especially media in New York.
	New York is like the media capital of this country and the world, really, but certainly this country.
	Those families had an insane amount of power when just determining what you saw and heard.
	You know, these people determined what you sat down and read at your kitchen table every morning, and that shaped what you cared about or what you thought was important.
	And I do think succession is one of those shows.
	And I'm not usually a guy like this.
	It's like, oh, it's an important show.
	But I do think you could look back at a show like that and go, well, this gets it pretty right.
	Right.
	Like, this gets it pretty right about, you know, these really power-crazed, power-hungry Titans that control news and information and the way that that intersects with politics and business.
	And Brian Cox is amazing.
	I think it's one of the best cast shows on TV.
	100%.
	It's great.
	Every character is great.
	Even that Retarda guy who plays like Cousin Greg is fantastic.
	Oh, he's great.
	Greg is one of the, everyone loves him.
	An actual Retarda guy.
	Listen, that's an actual Retarda guy.
	You're so dumb.
	You're so dumb.
	Why can't it be a done now with the movie?
	I give you that look that you know who got.
	Dude, it's a good show.
	If you haven't watched Succession, folks.
	Well, that same conglomerate shit that is where they can control everything.
	That's why Facebook is such an issue.
	Oh, yeah.
	That's what most people are on to do everything.
	Well, that's just the news.
	Like, meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
	You know, those guys are now controlling what you see.
	But I do think that the problem is now, this is the reason why everyone's going insane now.
	We know it's so fucked up and we're powerless.
	Yeah.
	Before, you didn't know it was fucking, it wasn't in your face.
	Now it's in your face.
	Now they kill Epstein right in the cell.
	Now you're starting to go, 9-11.
	Why did buildings?
	I don't understand.
	Like a lot of people are starting to wake up, dude.
	Dude, I remember 9-11 conspiracy conversations.
	You used to be shunned.
	Yes.
	If you brought that up.
	Now, if you bring it up, people are like, yeah, man, what do I know?
	Dude, when Epstein, they're like, we don't know.
	When Epstein went to jail, Jace was like glowing for like weeks.
	Yeah, it was a great, because you know what?
	I thought everybody was going to apologize for treating me like a dumbass at a party when I was going off about Epstein.
	Well, that's good.
	I didn't think it was going to.
	I remember me and Mullin did that podcast right after it came out.
	And we were like, there's nice under the neck.
	I was like, there's no way anyone faces any consequences.
	He's like, no.
	Not at all.
	Yeah.
	But I thought, here's what I thought was going to happen.
	I thought they were going to come out.
	They pinned it on like two congressmen that got massages.
	And they didn't even do that.
	No, nothing.
	They didn't even.
	That black book is sitting in an evidence locker.
	They're not going to declassify any of those documents, I think.
	That's not even an evidence.
	They dismissed everything.
	Did you hear Tom Hanks bought his estate?
	Is that true?
	Yeah.
	Which estate?
	The Epstein estate.
	Not Little St. James.
	No, no, not Little St. James.
	Which one?
	In Manhattan?
	Yeah.
	From everything, well, that I've heard of.
	Yeah.
	Check that out.
	Tom Hanks bought Jeffrey Epstein's townhouse in Manhattan.
	Tom Hanks a pedophile.
	That'd be pretty great.
	I mean, the America's sweetheart.
	Right.
	The guy was in every movie when we grew up.
	Ever since big, he's been raping kids.
	I mean, it's.
	I hope you find something because otherwise it's just like, yeah, Kevin claims Tom Hanks.
	It's a weird buy.
	Listen, it's probably probably got it a good deal, but it's just a weird buy.
	Apparently, he did fly on the Lolita Express, but I'm not finding.
	Yeah, I don't know.
	I think that might be a rumor.
	I've seen people say that, but I haven't found any news articles.
	I also think, you know, a lot of times, like, people might have been on that plane and Epstein wasn't on it.
	Like, they might, and I don't know.
	But I think maybe that was a plane that got loaned out to Chelsea Handler at dinner with him.
	That's a fact.
	Tim, I hate to say it, but that's why we need the Donald because there were some good stuff that was dug up on there.
	Like when we were looking into those GOP lawmakers that were killed in June.
	Yeah, that's why we need the Donald Trump.
	Have you found anything out?
	You conducted an investigation into that woman who was killed.
	Have you found anything out?
	I mean, she was definitely, you know what it is.
	She had a bunch of information.
	Supposedly she had information that was connected to Epstein through the CPS as well in the state of Arkansas.
	Don't know if it's true, but they're getting Arkansas CPS kids for the president and fucking what the hell is going on.
	I don't know, man.
	I mean, you know, a lot of this stuff is just all linked.
	I mean, you know how it is.
	I heard Tom Hanks actually killed her.
	Me and Louis Gomez would sometimes get Tom Hanks.
	Kevin's just throwing Tom Hanks cut Kevin off in traffic the other day.
	Motherfucker.
	Kevin's like, you know, I heard Tom Hanks was raping the kids.
	That's the rumor on the street, you know?
	It'll come out.
	Yeah, she was passing bills to get C-class truck drivers to be aware of sex trafficking and how recognizing that.
	They kill him, man.
	They killed Nancy Schaefer.
	They'll just kill you.
	This Schaefer thing is so stupid.
	I mean, your elderly Christian grandparents shooting each other in the head at the same time.
	That's what happened.
	Right.
	That's what happened.
	Yeah.
	They had a bad fight.
	Makes no sense.
	It came on from Cracker Barrel.
	But this is why everyone's going insane now because you can look this shit up and you know it's fucked.
	You know in your heart and in your head, you go, this is not good.
Big Fake Baby Cows 00:07:25
	And it's still like just.
	Yeah.
	Then you just turn to nihilism.
	So it's like, yeah, you dude, you just turn to complete nihilism, which is why I think we have to fight that with radical self-promotion.
	Amen.
	That's what you have to do.
	Like, instead of giving up on everything, you have to believe, but only in yourself.
	Right.
	Start doing stand-up.
	Doesn't matter if you can sing.
	Doesn't matter if you're funny, do stand-up.
	If you're 400 pounds, be a model.
	None of it matters.
	You're creating your own reality to live in.
	That's a good time about finding new diet.
	Start an Instagram page for your cat.
	Do whatever you want to do.
	Lose yourself in the little things and make them the big things.
	Make the little things the big things.
	You know?
	Yeah.
	I mean, that's the move.
	I keep it juicy, Juicy.
	I eat that lunch.
	He liked the booty booty.
	He liked it plump.
	I got hired to help produce a guy's podcast, and he's like talking about what he wants to make it about and the inspiration and whatnot.
	And then at one point, he goes, you know, maybe I'll just get a bunch of chicks with big tits to get in the hot tub with me.
	Right.
	And me and Ben were talking about it just like, this guy's like this, the idiot genius.
	He said to me, he's like, people are fucking retarded.
	So you can't make them think.
	So I'm going to have guns and flamethrowers and gold chains and cash and girls with big fake asses and big fake titties.
	And I'm going to blow up my Instagram.
	I was like, yeah.
	He's a genius.
	That's a smart move.
	That'll work.
	We'll end the episode where we sat down the other day with a guy and we said, you know, this Doja Cat video where she goes, bitch, I'm a cow.
	Bitch, I'm a cow.
	I'm not a cat.
	I don't say meow.
	Bitch, I'm a cow.
	And then she goes, moo, moo.
	And she puts french fries in her nose.
	Got 54 million views.
	And I said to somebody, I went, you know, that's weird.
	Me and Ben are fascinated by this shit because I'm like, you know, we make these videos and like, we try to do all this stuff.
	It's topical and funny and has like an angle.
	And he goes, yeah, what you just said, you try.
	That's your first mistake.
	You try.
	Nothing could make less sense in this world than trying.
	You almost want to smack.
	As soon as I said it, I wanted to smack myself in the face and be like, I'm trying.
	What kind of fucking lunatic tries?
	Plug all the social media guys, plug your podcasts.
	Brain Jail Podcast.
	Yeah, on podcasts and YouTube channel.
	Yeah, we got a 360 VR camera going for our episodes.
	You guys are the first VR pod.
	100%.
	First one.
	Looks like it.
	Yeah, go at BrainJail Pod or at brainjailpot at gmail.com.
	Yeah.
	If you want to send us an email.
	I am at Doja Cat on Instagram.
	No, I'm at Tim J Dylan, D-I-L-L-O-N, Instagram and Twitter.
	You guys know that to TimDylonComedy.com.
	We're updating the site in the next day or two with dates.
	We have a lot more live dates coming up.
	People are starting to buy tickets, go out to shows.
	Please, I have a new hour of material.
	If you've seen me before, you will not hear any of the same jokes.
	Come out.
	It'll be fun.
	I almost have a new hour of material, but what do you care?
	I'll do crowd work for the rest of it.
	I'm almost there.
	I think I got a good 40 that I really like and nowhere to put it.
	Nowhere to go.
	Put it on YouTube.
	Nobody cares.
	Captions on.
	Bitch, I'm a cow.
	Bitch, I'm a cow.
	I'm not a cat.
	I don't say meow.
	Like, if, let's say you brought like Mozart back and showed him that.
	Like, if you showed any of these people that, they would be like, oh, this is for children, right?
	They'd be like, oh, this is like for kids.
	That's kind of, I don't know why you're using the word bitch, but this is a child.
	This is a child.
	It's like, how much of popular culture would just previous generations, if they came back and watched it, think was for children?
	Oh, yeah.
	Like the most sense.
	Oh, you have goofy outfits and you jump around.
	You're a child, right?
	It's for kids.
	Baby shark is literally for kids.
	There's not much of a difference between baby shark and I'm a cow, right?
	It's just the same stuff.
	Bitch, I'm a cow.
	I'm not a cat.
	I don't say meow.
	Do we have to just get a giant inflatable ass to put behind the desk videos that just jiggles?
	It's not the worst idea.
	We just got to find a way.
	I think we got to find a way to try to make them a little crazier.
	Just hire two models and just have them shake their ass at Tim's face while he runs a Megan McCain video.
	And maybe just throw some hogs in there.
	I mean, should we do one about Chelsea Handler where I talk about that dumb documentary?
	I mean, that might be a funny angle.
	Would you do it as Chelsea Handler?
	No, I can't keep dressing up.
	I would just do it as a guy where I'm like, what I really like about the documentary about she doesn't talk to that many black people.
	She talks to a white guy in her backyard, which I think is, that's how to get to the heart of it.
	That's right.
	And then she goes and visits a boyfriend she hasn't seen in 20 years.
	And this poor guy's been in and out of jail.
	She shows up with a film crew.
	You're just eating a huge salted pretzel with mustard all over it.
	I just think it might be funny to just call it out for being kind of bananas.
	Right.
	You know?
	Bitch, I'm a cow.
	No desk anymore.
	No desk, I think.
	Just you sitting at a big fake ass, just right there with the ashtray inside the mic stand.
	He's inside the street.
	I think the desk just has to go places.
	I think the desk has to go to locations.
	Yeah.
	Straight up.
	Yeah.
	Or I don't know, dude.
	Maybe go back to just like, there was some brilliance in the early things where it was just me on a topic and it didn't have the costume and it didn't have, you know?
	That Lena Dunham one where we had Isis marching in the background for no reason.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Well, I wouldn't say it was for no reason.
	The amount of times you guys have called me down at like 2 a.m. to show me a video where like an Indian's getting his head cut off behind Tim.
	You're like, can we get away with this?
	I'm like, maybe.
	I think it might be funny to be like, I just saw the best new documentary.
	It's called Hello Privilege.
	It's me, Chelsea.
	Chelsea Handler is a comedian that wanted to spent her entire career examining these types of issues.
	You know, spent her entire career examining these types of issues.
	What I like about the documentary, she doesn't talk to a lot of black people.
	It's mainly her interviewing a white guy in her backyard.
	And then she visits a black guy that she used to bang who's been in jail for 10 years.
	And then she shows up for the first time in 20 years with a film crew.
	And there's just something nice about that.
	It's just like, boy, I'm glad I killed that baby.
	Yeah, I'm so glad I killed that.
	I was like, there's just something nice about that man.
	It made me really think, this is the change I want to see in the world.
Beautiful Patreon Membership 00:00:37
	You know?
	Hello, Privilege.
	It's me, Timmy.
	I just want no racism, but also no black people.
	I was like, Privilege was a black chick.
	Chelsea thought she was going to interview a black chick named Privilege.
	Chelsea thought she was going to interview somebody named Privilege.
	All right, folks.
	Beautiful.
	Up your membership.
	Spend more money on this Patreon.
	Give us more than we deserve.
	Goodbye.
	Bye.

Chapters

00:00:00 Welcome To Hell
00:12:27 Check Cashing Chaos
00:16:35 Irish Money Anxiety
00:32:13 Janine Gets Called Out
00:40:22 Betting On Bears
00:53:55 Drunk And Proud
01:07:27 Psychedelic House Plans
01:23:12 Uncle Steve Unrest
01:27:18 American Coup Borders
01:40:41 Developing Country Idealism
01:45:13 Misguided Military Joy
01:48:10 Succession Tom Hanks Rumors
01:56:58 Big Fake Baby Cows
02:04:24 Beautiful Patreon Membership