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Sept. 29, 2019 - The Tim Dillon Show
01:17:59
167: 167 - Beach Corpse
# tim dylan social media platforms snl beachbody billie eilish conspiracy theories hillary kelly illuminati joe quizal megan stalter mental health multi level marketing mybookieag nextdoor pyramid schemes shakeology shane gillis

Live from the deck once again, except this time there's a woman thrashing around in the bushes while they record. Tim goes off on Nextdoor racism, the beachbody pyramid scheme, and why he loves funerals. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Time Text
Timmy the Trash Can Intro 00:02:27
Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, pops, and candy wrappers.
Mm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
It is Tim Dylan, the keto kid, the greatest athlete in the United States of America right now.
I have the heart of a lion.
I am in ketosis.
I pissed on a strip.
Ben did as well.
He is not in ketosis.
His body is burning glucose like a fat bitch.
Like a fat, yeasty bitch.
Burning glucose.
There is a crazy woman screaming on the other side of the property, but not our property, but she's somewhere else.
And we might have to shut her down.
We might have to have her on the show.
We don't know where it's going to go, but she is screaming.
She is using slurs.
She would not be hired at SNL.
I don't know who she is.
I don't know what she looks like.
If she can use those slurs or not.
If you get my drift, is she allowed to say what she's saying?
I don't know.
It's too dark to tell.
And we're separated, thankfully, by a hedge.
So I don't know what's going on, but I will let you know if there's any interruption in the episode, that's probably going to be the cause.
I had an epiphany today.
The keto ice creams and the keto bullshit.
It's not the move.
Everybody wants to find the version of what they used to do, the synthetic heroin, so to speak.
Yeah, I'll just take Suboxone, which you need while you detox, I guess.
But you know, people just stay on methadone.
So these ice creams that don't have sugar in them are filled with sugar alcohols that fuck your stomach up.
I don't even know how to pronounce one of them is sorbitol.
The other one is etheritol or something.
I don't know how to pronounce it.
And these sugar alcohols really fuck you up.
You just start shitting.
I remember I had sorbet, chocolate sorbet at Red Mango when I was a tour guide on those double-dugger buses in New York City.
Sugar Alcohols Ruin Your Day 00:08:59
And it went through me so quickly in the middle of showing people the 9-11 Memorial.
I had to run off the bus and just violently shit in Starbucks.
I had to run into Starbucks and just start screaming until they took me seriously.
I had to cut like four people in line.
I'm like, I need it.
And then there was just a tour bus full of people hearing.
They were pausing and probably starting to Google a lot of the stuff I had mentioned.
You know, when I went by the 9-11 Memorial, I was, you couldn't, you can't just start going straight up crazy, but you can like, you can like, I would deliver it very sarcastically.
I'm like, you know, 19 Hyde, it came as a total surprise.
Nobody knew.
Nobody had even an inkling.
This crazy bitch is still fucking going, man.
She's still going.
I, you know, what are you going to do?
Let her do it.
She's, this is who, this is, you know, this is what it is.
You know, God, God love her and whatever she's doing.
To just explain to people, you just hear bursts of talking.
Now, she's either on her phone, but I don't think so.
No.
She's just yelling.
And she's kind of, she said the N-word multiple times.
And I don't know what's going on.
Now, there was a woman who basically got caught not too far from here screaming the N-word in a CVS parking lot.
And I wonder if it's the same woman.
She was fired from her job within the hour, which is clearly deserved.
Go watch the video.
She just goes in hard.
And it's not even like there's no defense.
It is bad, you know?
And she was fired from her job within an hour.
See if you can find out what that job was.
And all of her neighbors had had a restraining order on her already prior to her going nuts and screaming slurs in a CBS, CVS.
I'm so fucking Hollywood.
CVS parking lot.
I wonder what.
I looked into this because I found her on my next door page.
Okay.
She's in the neighborhood.
And now explain what next door is because next door is a great thing for people to be racist in their neighborhood.
And I was talking to Whitney Cummings about it.
If you go on next door in her neighborhood, which is a nice neighborhood, people are like, there's that black guy again.
And she's like, he's delivering FedEx, you fucking animal.
Get the fuck off next door.
What kind of rat website is this?
What is it?
It's only for snitching.
They say, hey, just I want to let everybody know I saw a Mexican with a backpack on the corner of 46th and, you know, whatever.
Just letting everybody.
And everyone's like, yeah, he lives there.
Yeah, what the fuck is, I mean, who's running this?
But you got couches off it, right?
Yeah, I got free couches.
So also people in the middle of a racist diatribe can give away a dresser if you need it.
They're like, by the way, I've noticed a few too many Mexicans recently.
I do have a beautiful ottoman that we no longer need.
So if you want to come and get it, just be careful about the Mexicans because we don't know.
They're very physically unpredictable.
It could just jump at you next door.
I love that it combines racism with charity.
Racism and generosity.
The next door, you know?
Jesus Christ.
People are like, I've been noticing some strange going on, goings on in this neighborhood.
I don't like it.
But I do like to help young families get a start.
So I do have a kitchen table.
If you want to come and pick it up, you will have to hear me talk about the Jews for a little bit, but that's a small price to pay for a sturdy kitchen table that served me well for many years.
You go on the next door.
You realize we're living paranoid.
People are so fucking paranoid.
Like I remember when I was growing up, literally they were like, everybody is trying to kidnap and rape you.
Now that they were right about.
That we took a while to realize they were right about that, but not us.
Like they weren't trying to kidnap and rape us.
It was other kids, but it was happening.
But there was like the white van.
Ben, you're probably too young, but there was like the white van, the guy in the white van.
If you are from Long Island and you can hit me up on social media, I have blocked a few people today because they tried to be funny.
They were not funny.
So you got blocked.
You run the risk.
I don't always block.
I rarely block.
But if I look back at our history and you've tried five unfunny jokes in Messenger to me, you're gone.
You're gone.
No one has the time.
You got to get better or stop.
So one guy messages me.
He's like, hey, the film Gray State, it's about totalitarian government.
And I know a little bit about it.
And I haven't said, the guy who made it, he got killed and his family got killed.
Can you get the, can you get the word out about that?
To who, dummy?
You get the word out.
To who?
To my listeners?
And what are they going to do?
Get the word out to who?
The feds who probably killed the guy?
What word do you want?
Epstein, the word is out.
The word doesn't matter.
The word doesn't matter, buddy.
What kind of, are you people daft?
Can you help get the word?
The word is out.
It doesn't matter.
It is immaterial.
People know.
Epstein was the biggest news story in the world and it just fell off.
The word is out.
Think anyone gives a fuck?
So stop with this shit where you message me, get the word out.
Can you get the word out?
You get it out.
This bitch is still yelling.
I cannot believe we think she's going to come in here.
I'll put it right on Mike.
I'll put it right on Mike.
And we'll lose it all.
We'll lose it all.
Get the word out.
When you were in Long Island, when you were a kid, there was always a guy.
It was a pedophile in a white van driving around trying to kidnap kids.
And this was something they would have like an assembly about it, which means they'd bring all the parents into the school and they'd go, there's a man and a wife.
And then they send letters home with you.
And you'd give your, will you shut up?
They'd give, they'd send letters.
Shut up or come on the show.
They'd send letters home talking about the guy in a white van.
And then my parents didn't give a fuck about me.
They were like, eh, it's fine.
You'll be fine.
But just paranoia.
And you go on the next door thing and it's just paranoia.
People think they're being robbed.
People think people are conspiring to rob their shitty house, your shitty house.
You think people are trying to knock over your house to get $18 in petty cash that you keep on the counter next to a couple Arby's rappers.
Calm down.
It's paranoia in this country that everyone's trying to kill you at every goddamn moment.
You know, terrorism.
You know, they talk about the opioid epidemic, like people are walking around with syringes full of heroin, injecting them into people and turning them into zombies.
You know, they talk about it like they don't talk about any of the causes, any of the reasons it might be happening.
You know, areas are being deindustrialized.
There's no jobs.
They separate it from all of that.
There's a few books that go into that.
But for the most part, it's all they're all on the news.
They're like, there's opioid epidemic.
It's awesome.
Just people running around.
These dope fiends.
These kids are doing heroin and people are.
But yeah, the next door app, man.
Paranoia and Prop Bets 00:05:59
She's still going.
She's still going.
You think, is there a chance she's on like a drug?
Probably.
I mean, it sounds like she's thrashing around in the bushes, too.
It does sound like she is thrashing around in the bushes.
Either trying to get in here.
No, not in here.
She's up on the hill, but.
She's up on the hill.
Well, that's nice, isn't it?
She could roll down maybe at some point.
She's on the hill, folks.
No need to worry.
She's up on the hill.
Can you sign into next door?
Yeah, I'm on it.
What do we got on next door right now?
Because we've got to post about this bitch because she's fucking my patience.
No, I'm kidding.
We're not rats.
Let her roll around in that grass and scream.
I don't give a fuck what she does.
I don't rat on anybody for anything.
I don't care.
I don't rat.
It's against my constitution.
I don't like that Takashi 6'9.
What's his name?
Takashi69.
I don't like that.
You wouldn't see Doja Cat ratting or little Zan.
Maybe little Zan.
I don't know.
Zan is a complex man.
Let me see if this degenerate answers his fucking phone, if he's got anything else to say.
The reason he's not answering his phone, folks, this is a real animal.
I'm trying to get some fucking real.
Hey, listen.
Do you have anything?
What are the recommendations?
You're on air right now, and I've explained to people that you are an official literal degenerate.
What do people do with the My Bookie money?
Because you were right.
Tell them that you were right last week.
And what were you right about again?
The Bears or something?
I said, last week, the Redskins are terrible this year.
The coach is going to get fired.
So I say right against them all year.
The Giants have a brand new quarterback from Duke named Daniel Jones.
She's great.
Giants are even three points at home and that lies in the Giants.
Also, take the under in the Bengal Steelers game, okay?
An AFP North matchup, only low scoring.
5% like a quarterback under 45, 50%.
And you say the Giants, you say minus three on the Giants?
Yeah, Giants, minus three against the Redskins, and under 45, Steelers, Bengal.
What about when will Joe Biden say the N-word?
That's coming.
The over-under on that is whenever he has Alzheimer's.
You guys should do a prop bet.
Joe Biden gets outdoors, Joe Biden, or Elizabeth Warren.
Yeah.
Elizabeth Warren is probably fine.
She doesn't seem like she's going to get Alztimers.
Why don't you leave the comedy to me?
You have any other?
Do you have any other mybookie.ag, folks?
You get paid.
It's not a street bookie.
Let's straight about it.
If you make a bet, you're not betting the guy in the corner who can stop you.
If you make a bet and you win, you get paid.
Bottom line, straight.
That's true.
I agree with that.
I've said that many times in the ad so far because I agree with it.
So those are the bets.
Now, last week, if somebody bet $1,000 last week, what would they have won?
Well, they would have helped with their money.
They would have won $2,000.
So if you would have started with $1,000 last week, right?
Yeah.
You would have won.
You would have won.
You would have gone up to $2,000.
Now, if you bet again, $2,000 on the Giants and you win it, that's $4,000.
You ride that $4,000 on the Sunday night game.
I'll always do a late game so that you can bet one early game and take your winning to bet the late game.
So if you take that $4,000, take the under on the Steelers game, and in seven days, you turn $1,000 to $8,000.
Should any of the people betting go to their daughter's birthday party?
They don't even know it's Amazon.
Right.
Good point.
Michael, thank you very much.
You are the official degenerate of the Tim Dillon show.
And as long as we have my bookie, you will be doing picks every week for people that are betting.
Thank you.
I appreciate them.
Have a good day.
Thank you.
Mybookie.ag M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E dot AG.
Go.
I'm going to start betting on this too because I want to start.
I'm going to start before next week.
Week, we're going to do, we're going to create crazy bets on the site and we're going to, and everyone will bet.
I just got to think about what a few good ones are.
But use promo code Tim TIM.
And dude, that guy, his picks last week were good.
He's, you know, he knows his shit.
This is what he's into.
He's into fucking betting.
So, mybookie.ag promo code Tim TIM.
Agibay.
What is next door?
What are some of the posts on next door right now?
Okay, so top post: human excrement removal.
Human excrement removal.
Dear neighbors, somebody was nice enough to leave a big pile of human excrement in front of my house today, hoping my kids don't accidentally step in it.
Does anybody know of a city service I can call to have it removed?
A, how do you know it's human?
This is a guy who's somebody's putting shit in front of his house, and this guy deserves it.
I can tell already.
I can tell this guy, you don't know how to remove shit.
You put it in a bag.
This is a, someone is putting shit on his property for good reason.
Hopefully my kids don't step in it.
Well, tell them not to step in it.
Why are you playing a guessing game with the kids?
What else do you got?
Do people answer this idiot?
Yeah, so let's see the top comment.
Dear Justice, this happened to us many years ago.
The person nicely did their thing right up against our house.
I took pictures and showed it to the next council meeting.
Unexpected Funeral Stories 00:13:04
People couldn't believe it.
Council meeting, the city council, I guess, the neighborhood council.
Yeah.
I mean, can you imagine just for a minute?
I want everyone listening to this to imagine how meaningless people's lives are.
Like how meaningless this guy's taking pictures of shit and then bringing it up in the city.
I understand if it happens every day or even once a week, but one time only.
You know how lucky you are if that's all that's ever happened?
One time somebody just shits on your house.
But think of the inane, meaningless lives that people have that they need to fill.
They get so excited when there's a mound of shit that they can photograph.
They're so happy.
I have aunts like that.
When something goes wrong, they get excited.
They get real, they're like happy.
They love to tell a tragic story.
I have an aunt that goes, she gets her face full, fills with life at the dinner table when she goes, Hey, you know, Jessica?
Jessica, you know her brother?
Her brother jumped off the bridge.
You know the bridge that everybody jumps off?
Yeah, he jumped off paralyzed.
So maybe don't do that.
Don't do that anymore.
And she's, she's happy as a pig and shit when she's able to talk about tragedy.
She loves it.
She loves, she'll bring up, she'll be like, you know, kid I knew took a little Xanax, drank, fell down the stairs, dead.
It's a kid.
He lived three doors over.
Now he's dead.
Took a Xanax, had a couple of beards at a party, fell down the stairs.
I'm like, why are we?
I don't even take Xanax and I'm sober.
Why are we doing this?
Why are we going over this?
We're going to start just going tragedy by tragedy.
She used to be like, there were little mini rocks in the school where I grew up.
So she'd go, you know, someone, one kid is going to eat those rocks one day and die.
And she just loved it.
She was into it.
She loves, you know, she gets into it.
Okay.
I get it to an extent because I love, and I talked about this with a friend the other day.
I happen to love, and I don't really admit this often or talk about this because people might take it the wrong way.
And it's not my fault.
I happen to really enjoy funerals.
I love funerals.
I love the wake.
I love the burial.
I love the drive to the funeral.
Everything about a funeral.
I love seeing people you haven't seen in a while, but in a space where you know you don't have to keep up.
It's weird to exchange numbers.
Nobody's serious.
Nobody's going to follow up with each other in a week and go, hey, we saw each other at the funeral.
You'd be insane if you did that.
You'd be like, what?
So if you even reconnected a funeral, it's so brief.
It's so surface.
It's so shallow.
It's so nice.
It's so nice.
Hey, have you been?
And it's good.
I like to cry.
I like to be sad and think about my own mortality and feel bad for other people.
I like to look at other people that have lost a loved one and feel bad for them.
And sometimes it's nice when it's an older person and we could all say it's a life well lived.
But sometimes it's nice when it's someone younger.
Sometimes it's nice when it's somebody it was unexpected or someone.
And we all have to really reflect on what it means because the older people, you don't have to reflect on what it means as much.
You get it.
They lived a good life, but sometimes it's got to be dark and real tragic.
And they've got to be young.
It's got to be young to really get the cry on and get the purge.
You got to purge.
You got to question what is life?
Why are we here?
Am I on the right track?
These are very important things.
LA, they have silent retreats and yoga.
In the Northeast, we had funerals.
People would just die.
And you would go, I love, I love a meal.
Have you ever had a funeral meal where you go out afterwards and everybody's eating and you're relaxing?
It's kind of fun again.
It's kind of nice again.
Yes, we buried someone and they're not here.
But that means more shrimp cocktail for us.
We're here.
We're alive.
No disrespect.
Carl Ruiz, a great man, would love this attitude.
Passed away at 44.
I feel very bad.
Man, was he fucking funnier than comedians?
And I know that doesn't say much, but God, was he fucking funny?
Guy Fieri loved him.
He was a chef.
He opened a great restaurant in New York called La Cubana.
The guy was, he texted me a photo on Twitter that made me laugh harder than anything else.
I'm going to show it to Ben right now, dude.
And this is, and familiarize yourself with the great Carl Ruiz if you haven't, because I'm telling you right now, this guy, everybody loved him.
Sharad Small, you know, Opie and Anthony, Vick Henley, all these comics really loved Carl Ruiz.
And he was a partier, man.
He would break Bill Burr up, crack Bill Burr up, telling stories about doing Coke in the kitchen when he was coming up as a chef.
And he had like a spot in Jersey.
And then he had, and then he just opened a spot in the meatpacking district.
And he sent me a message.
And it's one of the funniest things that anyone has ever sent me.
Okay.
And he goes, he goes, this is what follows you when you are a food celebrity, human garbage pelicans.
And it's just a picture of these two fat women with birthday hats on and like, you know, a filter that gave them birthday hats.
He's two five women with birthday hats.
And he goes, this is who follows you when you're a food celebrity.
Human garbage pelicans.
It is one of the funniest things.
I laugh so fucking.
And I messaged the guy and I said, I got to see you when I'm in New York.
And he goes, come to the restaurant.
Let's eat.
I wanted him on the podcast.
I wanted him.
There's a video that Opie just posted on Twitter where they walk into his apartment or a hotel.
I don't know.
It's beautiful.
It's like in the middle of Manhattan or whatever.
And he's just got cash, wads of cash laying on the table.
And everybody starts going, what the hell's going on in here?
And Ruiz just looks at me.
He goes, you know, I'm a walking felony.
The guy lived.
He was a, and listen, I wish he was still here.
I wish he lived fucking forever.
That guy was great.
But it's like my friend's father passed away, who we loved.
This guy was great.
We used to get, you know, get hammered all that.
Enough.
She's still going.
We used to get hammered.
I mean, what is happening?
We used to drink all the time and have fun, go out to dinner with this guy.
And he passed away in his early 60s.
And the funeral was so sad because he was dead.
But there was something about a funeral.
And there are people out there that know what I mean.
They know what I mean right now.
And they're looking at each other going, fuck, he's right.
And it's been a while since we've been to one.
And it would be nice.
You know, a nice autumn day.
A nice autumn day.
Some nice hymnals.
And I will raise you up on eagles' wings.
Raise you up above all things.
I don't know the rest.
But that, you know, in a nice church, you go out in your black suit, maybe a bum of smoke.
Maybe you don't.
I don't know.
It's all what you have to do.
And maybe it's in a sit-down restaurant, or maybe afterwards, you do something at a bar and you just have some wings and a couple of cocktails.
My friend Michael's mother, I mean, let me tell you right now, I don't want anyone to die, but the meatballs I had after dinner, I would kill her myself.
I would straight, they were so good, soft.
That's what meatballs should be.
And I don't, listen, she fought cancer a very long time.
The woman had more, she was more of a fighter and she was tougher and she got more out of life than I will ever get.
And any of my clown friends will ever get out of life, by the way, because she helped other people and she had this camaraderie with other people that were fighting this thing and she raised money for people.
And it was really amazing to look at somebody whose life was cut short, but not in fucking substance at all.
She went through hell, but when you talk about somebody who's a warrior, a champion, I mean, what's good about what I do is I spend time with people who lead meaningless lives, utterly meaningless lives, devoid of honor, devoid of anything.
People that just float around and, you know, but the food at this place, and I mean, I'm talking about quesadillas.
They had Italian, they had wings.
It was like a bar restaurant.
And I was sitting down with a bunch of people I'd never met.
I didn't know them.
And I felt I was having one of the best times I've ever had.
So here's, I will throw this out.
I don't want to, I don't want this to seem weird.
If you want me to go to a funeral of someone you know, I will go as long as it's doesn't, you know, as long as it doesn't feel weird.
I like to go, I like to hear about somebody's life.
You know, people say to me when I go to funerals, they go, did you know this person well?
And I'm like, I don't need to know somebody well to go and take stock of a life.
I think it's a beautiful thing and I enjoy it.
And I know there are people out here that say this is a sociopath talking or I'm insane.
Every episode, there's probably that reaction, but that's not the case here.
This is a beautiful thing when someone is ripped from us.
Not when it's a young person, unless they're very young.
If they're very, very young, it's fine because you don't know.
You know what I mean?
If they're very young, it's fine again.
Very, very young.
But if it's in the middle of their life, 20s or 30s, it's real rough.
And once 60 and above again, it's fine.
So, what I'm trying to say, and I've dug a little bit of a hole here, probably with certain people, but people need to admit.
And my grandmother had a great funeral.
She was like 89.
And the priest went up and he goes, Dorothy, and Ray Cump, the great Ray Cump, was sitting there.
Most people, the mortician thought the funeral was for him.
They said, Well, he looks fine.
Well, not fine, but he looks better than most of the corpses.
He's smoking, for instance.
But my grandmother, the priest, went up and he did this hellfire and brimstone speech.
He goes, Dorothy has been preparing for this moment for decades, decades.
And we were all shifting in our seats because we were like, fuck.
Whoa.
Basically, he was laying it on the line.
Priests and funerals.
That's their time.
That's their time.
My grandfather's funeral.
Beautiful.
Bagpipes.
Bagpipes.
An Irish funeral.
Everybody bombed.
These are beautiful things.
Much better than weddings.
Weddings suck.
What's the other thing when the kids are born?
Baptisms and christenings.
Fuck off.
I love a good funeral because you really appreciate life.
You appreciate being alive.
When you drive out of a wake and you're sitting there or you drive out of a burial, maybe it was Holyrood Cemetery in Hicksville and you're sitting there at the stoplight and a song comes on and it's a decent song and you know the sun's out and you drive in.
Maybe you stop in a 7-Eleven.
You get a snapple and you just say to yourself, I'm fucking here.
I would go to one a month if I could.
So that I just want to throw that out to people.
If you want me at your funeral, and I do the whole thing, by the way, I do wake burial and then whatever dinners, lunch or dinner that we're doing.
I do the whole, I do the whole thing.
I do the wake and I come back the next day for the burial.
And if you tell me that the burial is only for the family, I come because I want to be there.
I want to see it go into the ground.
That's when it's poetic and meaningful to me.
And listen, it is what it is.
You know, I'm not, I don't like death.
I like funerals.
They are beautiful things.
Long Island, people have a couple of cocktails.
They reconnect.
It's really, and there's a lot of lucky people right now because so many people are dropping dead on Long Island from heroin addiction.
And there are so many lucky people that get to go to these events all the time and really kind of reconnect.
You know, I'll see you at the funeral.
That's what they say.
Attending Every Wake and Burial 00:07:33
Well, what else on the next door app do we have here?
Because then I want to get into pyramid schemes for a minute.
Next post title says cop cars.
What?
Cop cars, but with an L at the end.
Cop cars with an L at the end.
What the fuck does that mean?
They can't type.
This woman, Sherry, she can't type.
Sherry.
She says, anybody know what's going on on loss LAS?
She didn't.
And someone commented on that.
Is it this woman right now laying in the fucking, in the fucking, in the grass, rolling around?
So that woman's clearly drunk or something, right?
Exactly.
Did she die mid-post?
What is that?
Does anyone know what's going on on loss?
And what is, I don't even know what that is.
It's nothing.
It's nothing.
What else?
What else is there?
This app fascinates me, by the way.
What is it, a site?
Is it an app?
You can get it on your phone too.
Yeah, you have to sign up and register your address through it.
So it's a whole like two-week-long app.
But are you anonymous or no?
No, you have to have your name and address.
So you name an address and you get to be as racist as you want as long as you own it with your name and address.
Great.
Personal injury attorney.
I am asking for a friend if anyone can recommend a bulldog personal injury attorney in the LA area.
Okay, that seems an odd thing to put.
I love, by the way, that gets me, that brings on like all those people that crowdsource everything they do in their life.
Like, you'll see them.
They're like, I want to read more.
Does anyone have any suggestions of books?
And they ask their social media network.
They ask their Facebook friends.
Could there be any less?
Like, could you want suggestions less from a group of people than your Facebook, the people that are still actively using Facebook?
Hi, I want to go to Disney World.
We're leaving in nine months, but we thought we'd start planning now.
Does anyone have any hotel recommendations?
And people love it.
They go right and they just start writing paragraph, paragraph, paragraph.
Well, we stayed at the Grand Floridian and we liked it.
It's a little pricey, but it's near to the point.
And I'm like, bitch, go on YouTube.
They review every hotel, every single hotel in Disney World.
How far it is away from the park, what the food's like, what it costs.
They review everyone.
People do that now.
You don't need to crowdsource.
You don't have a trusted friend that reads.
You got to go on Facebook and go, is there any books?
I want to read a book.
I'm in my mid-30s and it's occurred to me recently that I'm an idiot.
Can any of you recommend a book?
Yeah, Harry Potter, you dumb bitch.
Stop crowdsourcing.
People crowdsource their honeymoon.
Hi, we don't know where to go.
Can anyone, you've never wanted to go anywhere?
Someone else needs to tell you where to go on your honeymoon.
I always do, and the way to fight fire with fire, anytime somebody asks for a recommendation for a realtor or anything, they go, Hi, I'm moving and I want to know what you do.
You find the wealthiest area in wherever they're going and you recommend the realtor who sells houses there to make them feel like shit.
Like when I have friends, and these are comedians, they have no money.
They're moving to LA and they're like, hey, I'm just, anybody know a room open?
Anybody know a room for like 700?
I comment Joyce Ray, who's a realtor that sells estates in Beverly Hills.
And it says luxury estates.
And then like sometimes he'll go, oh, I can't afford that.
And I'm like, well, that's not my fault.
But always do that.
Always try to make people feel like shit who are being stupid.
So if somebody goes, hey, I want a realtor, maybe it's just a little bit out of their league, but find a realtor, look at the listings and really make them say, hey, it's a little out of my league.
And then just write back, oh, sorry.
Sorry.
Always find something a little bit out of their league.
I do it where people know it's a joke.
It's, it's really, because I don't have time to really do it appropriately.
But you can do it real good where you just recommend something.
Recommend a restaurant that's a little out of their league and be like, hey, I don't know if you're into this type of thing, but here you go.
You know, it's fun to do.
It's fun to let people know they're trash in little fun ways.
Just let them know.
I always love when people will crowdsource a restaurant and I'm like, just try it out or go to some, go to someone you trust or find an institution you trust, whether it's a paper that may have reviewed the restaurant or if you're in the Yelp and that bullshit, you can do that.
I just say, hey, ticket ship.
People make it out to be this big deal.
This big deal.
And they're like, well, I don't know.
Should we go to Peter Luger's or should we go to quality meets?
I don't know.
And then people get in a fight in the comments.
It's like, hey, go to both.
Go to neither.
Who gives a fuck?
It's a $200 dinner.
If it's the one time you're going to do it in your life, don't do it.
Spend the money on medicine or water.
I know people are hurting, but you need not have a 300-comment fight about who's got a better steak.
Try it.
Or don't do it.
It's amazing to me.
I love Nextdoor app.
I want to get on.
I'm going to sign up and just start going wild.
I'm going to start making things up.
Hi, there was a bunch of guys walking around with tiki torches.
Has anyone seen that?
There's a lot of Russians in the area.
There's been a lot of Russians.
I'm thinking maybe it's possible that this has something to do with Trump.
I don't know, but what else we got?
On title of this one is No.
Why can you never talk?
Why do you always have to clear your throat before you talk on the podcast?
I don't know.
You always go, do I always clear my throat?
What's wrong with you when you talk on this show?
This is the most people who've ever heard your voice.
Probably.
And whoever will.
Title of this post is No CMs.
Does anybody know what to do to get rid of no seeums?
These bugs are driving us crazy.
Well, that's the most reasonable thing we've heard so far.
What is that?
Well, I would, number one, you would probably call an exterminator, but I guess they want to do it on the cheap.
And, you know?
So they're really tiny bugs.
So now, can you just troll on here?
And can you just share it?
What do you want me to post?
I'll post something right now.
Say, no seeums are with you forever.
You must leave the home.
Go, no seeums are never not with you.
Okay.
Just go, the noceum.
Beach Body Pyramid Scheme Scam 00:08:29
Say the noceums are attracted to pedophiles.
Is there something going on that we should know about?
The nocemes are attracted to the blood of pedophiles.
That's maybe why they're biting you.
Man, troll, folks.
Have a little fun out there.
My friend, my friend's sister went on Facebook or maybe it was Instagram, whatever social media.
And she goes, Hey, I just want to let everybody know, beachbody.com is not a pyramid scheme.
Okay?
There's a lot of misinformation out there.
It's not a pyramid.
Now, what Beach Body is, for those of you who don't know, is it's like this pyramid scheme, clearly a multi-level marketing scheme like Amway or like anything else, which is based on you converting your dumb friends and selling them shit because they're fat.
And you go, oh, a group of friends, we're all going to motivate each other better than celebrities and trainers will.
No, your group of friends is why you're fat.
You don't change with the group of friends.
You get rid of them.
You get rid of the fatties.
No, your group of friends is the reason you're fucked.
You're going to try to change six people's lives at once?
Who the fuck does that?
So that's the whole thing about beach body.
And then you become like a coach or a beach body coach and you put up all these motivational things like, it's 5 a.m.
And I want to stay in bed, but I'm not.
Because I'm a beach body coach.
Now, if you buy the meals and the shakes, you too can be a Beach Body Diamond member.
And you just climb up this.
But I love the idea.
So Beach Body, by the way, of course, had to address the idea that they were this multi-level marketing thing, okay?
And to me, it was one of the funniest things ever because basically they didn't tell you that they like they have no argument that they're not.
So get that up, by the way, Ben.
Get the Beach Body.
They literally have no argument that they are not.
And I like when I was performing at the Spokane Comedy Club in Washington, I saw a bunch of people in suits.
And, you know, that area is weird.
It's gray.
It's dreary.
It's like really kind of twin peaksy.
And there was all these weird people and the teenagers, young people, old people, every race.
And they're all walking in suits to an arena.
And I'm like, what is it?
Is it a Christian thing?
What is it?
And it was like this Amway spin-off, this worldwide dream builders online marketing cult where they all recruit people.
It's like Mary Kay Cosmetics, you know, and if you sell a lot, you get the pink Cadillac and you got to just convert your friends and have these parties and stuff.
And I'm all for ripping off and fucking over your friends.
Do it smart, though.
Do you have it up here?
I have this long article, but it's a too long didn't it read version right here about Beachbody.
No, but is this the Beachbody site?
No, let me get that word.
Ben is so bad at his job.
It's amazing.
It's amazing.
Beach Body, they actually on their website, they're basically like, listen, we're not a pyramid scheme.
Wikipedia defines a pyramid scheme as this.
Does that sound like what we're doing?
And then the difference between what they do and what an actual pyramid scheme is is literally nothing.
And as you read it, it's kind of like hilarious.
They're like, hey, but no one's going to that page because they know the people that are on it have been bit.
They're feral.
They've been bit already.
So once you've been bit, no one can tell you that you haven't, you know, that you need to reassess.
It's on their website, Ben.
It's like a frequently asked question.
It's like, is Beachbody.com a pyramid scheme?
And their rationale is great.
Here we go.
I found it.
First thing.
This is one of my favorite things ever when you read this.
You're still looking for it?
Is it in the About Us in the Mission?
It's the first thing that comes up on Google.
Thank God we don't bring things up on the show, you know?
Because he's just completely, I mean, that's your one job is to just bring up the fucking article.
How have I found it?
How did I get it?
It's the first thing on Google.
What did you Google?
I went to the Beach Body website because you said it was the first thing on the website.
Well, why wouldn't you just put it into Google, the search engine, and see what came up?
Anyway, Beach Body discusses pyramid schemes and multi-level marketing, right?
This is great.
You may be asking, is direct selling the same as multi-level marketing?
Is it a pyramid scheme?
A Ponzi scheme?
Is it a scam?
How do people make money?
And what's the opportunity for me?
Lots of great questions, and we'll take one by one.
Simply put, according to Wikipedia, direct selling is the marketing and selling of products directly to consumers away from a fixed retail location.
So it's the guy that shows up, opens his trunk, and sells you shit.
In other words, that's not what it says on Wikipedia.
I'm adding that in.
This is what they say.
They go.
So, what about pyramid schemes?
A pyramid scheme or Ponzi scheme is something completely different and far more harmful, like a scam.
That's far more harmful.
It's like a scam.
Is Beachbody a pyramid scheme?
No.
Team Beach Body coaches make money from actual sales of genuine fitness and nutrition products and hard work, not from recruiting fees or business fees.
Coaches are never paid to recruit people and do not earn money from recruiting.
Yeah, they earn money when they sell people the shit.
Our mission is to help people live healthier, more fulfilling lives.
How did people become coaches?
Do they make money by selling shakeology?
Our coaches start as customers, right?
A la pyramid scheme.
Beach body.
Once they start to get results, people tend to notice and ask what they are doing.
No one does that, by the way.
People go, oh, you look great.
You lost weight.
Some people go, what are you doing?
You go, I got nobody wants to hear.
At that point, people only want to hear like a one-word answer.
Low carb, slow carb, keto, paleo, walk around the block.
I cut out booze.
Nobody wants to hear this.
Like, ask me, you look a little thinner.
What have you been doing?
You look a little thinner.
What have you been doing?
Take a seat.
I've been waiting for you to ask me this.
I've become a member of a very fulfilling new group that holds each other accountable.
Have you heard of Shakeology?
I haven't.
Why are you looking at me like that?
Sit down and get ready for the secret.
I'm about to tell you the secret about Shakeology.
Some companies have used direct sales model.
Where are you going?
I just want to talk about Shakeology.
Do you have your credit card on you?
We can get you started right now.
They enjoy helping others achieve the results they've achieved using Beachbody products and want to share with others.
So they sign up to be coaches.
You could sign up to be a coach for $40.
Dude, we're doing this.
$40.
I could sign up to be a coach plus $16 a month.
$15.95 recurring monthly fee.
$16 a month to be, okay?
This covers ongoing access to their website, training, reporting, personal development content, plus all the back-end operation of warehousing and shipping products.
So then you got to sell to people.
Okay.
Don't take our word for it.
Here's Team Beach Body coach Joan Crocker's story.
She's been suffering from depression and was gaining weight.
Her husband introduced her to Beach Body.
She bought insanity and worked out hard to the complete 60-day program.
She said, I found my confidence and happy and happiness again.
I felt better physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Becoming a Beach Body Coach 00:15:53
And then I decided I wanted to rob others.
Here's Team Jen Richardson's story at Beach Body.
She was two months postpartum with her second son and searching for teaching jobs where she could put her master's degree to use.
But because the country is a bag of shit, she decided to sell people fitness shakes because life is a hell.
Like that, if this was honest, that's what it would really.
She tried to use her master's degree, but because she couldn't find any work, she decided it was much more fulfilling to start hawking fitness shakes to her friends.
That was a much better way to go about earning money.
Sure, her passion was for education.
She wanted to teach kids how to read.
But hey, you know what's a good close second?
Teaching your fat friend how to hawk shakes.
Shakeology.
Let me tell you about Shake Allah.
I would plunge a knife into my own throat before I would sit down and have to look at someone in the face and say the word shakeology.
If you say the word, shakeology with a straight face, you need to be in a cell.
You need to have the door shut.
I love people that don't have any problem ripping off their friends.
Getting their friends in a cult.
It's so hilarious to me when people are just so like, hey, man, good to see you.
That's how I got my fucking house.
When I bought that house with a subprime mortgage, I got foreclosed.
One of my best friends was like, it's a great opportunity.
And me, because I was coked to the gills, went, yes, that's good.
He's like, it's a big yard.
A developer is going to come in.
They'll subdivide the plot.
You'll be making crazy money.
That sounds good just doing coke.
I was like, I love you and George W. Bush.
I'm going to be a homeowner.
I love you, Bush.
I love Dick Cheney.
We need to honor our commitments to the people of Iraq.
No Child Left Behind is a good program.
Think of the things people repeat, like the platitudes people repeat, meaningless.
They don't know anything, barely know what No Child Left Behind is.
People fight about it.
They argue about it, but they have no idea what it is.
Picture me coked to the gills in a bar, looking at somebody and going, no child left behind creates accountability.
It creates accountability and incentives.
These fucking teachers are paid too much money, which I still feel.
But I don't, the program, I don't know here, but these teams, you know, the complaining of the teachers has got to stop at a certain point, you know?
Yeah, shakeology.
I love it.
It's 6 a.m.
I was going to sleep in, but that's not what I'm about.
I just made a quick shake and I'm ready to work out, burn some cows.
Hey, do you want to look and feel good too?
Well, get your credit card out because I'm about, you want to come on in.
You're going to be a coach.
You start as a fat shit, but you end up a coach.
Don't you want to be a coach?
Well, I don't have any skills.
Shut up.
You're going to be a coach.
I don't really know anything about nutrition or fitness.
It doesn't matter.
The people at Shakeology have provided us with all the information we'll need.
All you have to find is five other fat fucks that are desperate, that have postpartum depression.
I love who this is being marketed to.
They're like, Jeannie's story was great.
She was laying on the floor of her trailer, thinking about, who's this product for?
People that have given up all hope.
Jeannie was sitting in her car with the engine on in her garage.
She was three gasps away from meeting Jesus.
And then Jeannie went inside and she went and she saw that her good friend at work had lost three pounds by drinking shakes all day.
So Jeannie said, God, her friend had posted on Facebook that there was a unique money-making opportunity in the fitness world.
Jeannie had always wanted a beach body.
She never had one.
She had, you know, scars.
She had stretch marks.
It looked like spiders crawling up her stomach.
But she wanted that beach body.
So she saw one of her friends on Facebook, go, hey, are you laying on the floor of your apartment thinking of reasons not to kill yourself?
Maybe you should become a beach body coach.
You can look good and feel good.
I love who this is marketed to.
Let's keep going on the by the way.
I wonder if any of them were like, this person was doing good and they decided to get involved.
Or is everybody has a gun in their mouth before they decide, which of course you have to, to lower yourself to this, to lower yourself to hawking fitness shakes to your friends.
You have to be ready to kill yourself.
Let's see if there's Hillary Kelly remembers her early days as a team Beachbody coach and how she built her business through hard work.
I'm not a nutrition expert, but I started with the simple approach of sharing my story both in person and on Facebook.
Here's how that should have ended.
I'm not a nutrition expert, so I didn't get involved.
End of post.
I'm not a nutrition expert.
So I shut my mouth and went on my merry way.
But no, she decided.
She goes, I'm not a nutrition expert, but I started with the simple approach of sharing my story both in person and on Facebook.
I think people responded to that.
I had no agenda except to help people get fit.
If you break it down, that's what this business is all about.
Yeah.
These people talk in fucking like pamphlets, you know?
Right.
I had no agenda.
Who said you did, bitch?
You seem a little guilty.
Doth protest too much.
They're like, it's not a pyramid scheme.
I had no agenda.
I'm not fucking you.
I didn't do anything.
I didn't go in your purse when you were in the bathroom.
What are you saying?
What do you mean there was $20 on the wallet when I walked in?
You better talk to shakeology.
I love all of the fucking examples of people that they use.
She was suffering from depression and was gaining weight.
Her husband introduced her to Beachbody.
Her husband was like, listen, you fat, sad bitch.
You better clean it up and you better start bringing in some money into this house.
What a nice guy, huh?
He introduced her to Beachbody.
She's depressed.
He didn't introduce her to a doctor.
He didn't introduce her to a therapist.
He introduced her to a multi-level marketing scam.
Honey, you seem depressed.
You don't get out of bed all day.
Why don't you start hawking fitness plans?
Why don't you get your monthly sales numbers up?
That's why you feel like shit because you're laying in bed every day and not selling shakes to your friends.
I love it so much.
I love it so much, man.
I love how everybody using this is completely.
Our team Beach Body Coach Network is over 400,000 strong.
God help us.
And our online community is millions strong, meaning no one is ever alone, no matter the goals or how far anyone thinks they have to go.
Great.
I love it.
Other direct sales companies you may know, Avon, Mary Kay, Tupperware, and Stella and Dot.
Yeah, Tupperware parties, Avon.
I mean, I love it.
I love the stories of the people.
Two months postpartum with their second son, searching for jobs.
I think what coaching really did for my future goals is give me the belief that anything I put my mind to, I can accomplish.
There were several years of self-doubt where I lost confidence in myself, and coaching turned that around for me.
I watched people from all walks of life create incredible success for themselves with Beach Body coaching simply because they believe they could.
So what do the coaches do?
They're energetic.
They're enthusiastic.
They are products of the product.
What a line.
They are products of the product.
I got to start doing this, man.
Now, by the way, I'm going to tell the audience this.
If Beachbody contacts me and pays me money, I will sell Shakeology and I will delete this episode.
I tell you that all the time in full disclosure.
I give a fuck about you pigs.
I will shove shakes down your throat so fucking fast, you fat slobs.
I will put a shake in my ass if Beach Body tells me to, if they want to spend some fucking money.
That's what I do.
I ridicule these companies to try to get them.
I'll become a fitness coach.
What?
I got to make some motivational Facebook posts.
I'll do that.
Can easily do that.
I used to be fat.
I used to eat pizza.
Not even good pizza, like Papa John's, Domino's.
So I like the way it felt in my mouth, warm and gooey, like I was eating my own insides.
Anyway, then I went online and saw a friend of mine was marginally less fat.
And I asked her, I said, hey, fatty, are you less fat?
She said, yes.
I said, what are you doing?
She goes, well, I'm part of an online community that provides me the support and the nutrition products I need.
And I said, well, get me in on the ground floor and let's go and spread the word of shakeology.
You meet thin people.
It's never because they drank shakes.
It's never like a fad.
Some of it's you could do keto or a paleo or whatever.
You know, I'm going to do keto for as long as I can, but, you know, you don't do it forever.
It's impot.
You can't do it forever.
It doesn't work forever.
Eventually, you got a, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta tongue fuck a piece of sourdough.
I don't even like sourdough.
And now it looks good a little bit.
I don't even like it.
It's a yeasty bread.
It's a dumb bread.
People in California like it.
The only good thing about it, you toast the fuck out of it and you slather it with avocado and smoked salmon to a little avocado toast.
You want to, you know, Brendan Schaub and Theo Vaughn had a cheese off on their podcast, which makes millions.
And because of that level of content, they had a cheese-off where each of them recited a cheese.
Schaub got like three cheeses in and then started repeating, you know.
And so do you want me?
It's true.
He said sharp cheddar twice.
He was out.
Theo is pretty good.
Do you want to have a bread off right now?
Yeah.
One bread.
Can you do it?
Yeah, I think I can do that.
I don't know.
It's interesting.
I don't know how strong.
I am so good on cheese.
I don't know how good I am on bread.
No, I can only name like five.
Shut up.
Do you believe in yourself?
Yes.
Okay.
I do.
What do you think Jan Richardson at Beach Body would say?
She'd say, believe it.
Okay.
Bread off.
Who has the advantage?
The person you starts or the other person?
Does it matter?
I don't think it matters.
Okay.
Would you like to start or should I start?
I'll start.
Rye.
Rye bread is your first.
Yes.
I'm going to try to say basic bitch ones that you know.
Or should I just say really wild ones?
I'm going to say basic bitch ones to try to knock you out fast.
Wheat.
Pumpernickel.
Ooh.
Pretty good.
My grandfather liked that.
That was the one with caraway seeds, right?
And if you're not enjoying this out there, Shub's making has five Ferraris, and that's what they do.
So shut the fuck up.
Brioche.
Daddy.
White.
Okay.
Sourdough.
Ben, we're four in.
Whole grain.
I'm going to allow it because I think it is.
I'll allow it.
Okay?
Hala, the Jewish bread.
It makes the thick French toast.
Ezekiel bread?
I will.
Yes.
Okay.
French bread.
Breadsticks.
I'll allow it.
I'll allow it.
I'm not thrilled with it, but I'll allow it.
Shibata.
Damn it.
Do you have breads up on the no, I don't.
You could be making up breads.
I don't even know.
I'm not making up Shibata.
They had it at Wendy's.
Not making up.
The last one I have is this one's not fair.
Garlic knots.
First of all, what the fuck is wrong with you?
There's more breads out there.
I will accept garlic knots.
Okay.
Now you're just saying things that are made of bread, but I'll accept it.
Okay.
I was going to say like a la fungiasi, which is a great bread.
Oh, wow.
Oh, so nice.
Okay.
They have it at Morea, New York City.
My audience has been.
No?
Okay.
By the way, if I sold out an arena and Steven Paddock shot it up, he'd get a Congressional Medal of Freedom.
And that's just judging by the comments that you people leave.
Okay.
Steven Paddock would be running against Trump right now if he shot my audience in the mouth.
Kidding.
We love each and everyone.
What was your last bread?
My last one was garlic knots, but my one this time.
Now I'm going to say, I'm going to say a la fungiasi.
I don't know if I'm pronouncing that right.
Okay.
I like the raisin bread that I get at the store has raisins in it.
You can say cinnamon raisin bread.
I'll do that.
Okay.
I'm going to say.
Now it's interesting.
I was going to say a roll, like onion roll, but is that a bread?
I don't know if that's a bread.
So to keep it fair, but a Chiba, yeah, I'm going to say I'm going to go with a marble rye.
Fuck.
Woo!
Fuck.
Because it's a distinctly different bread.
Is that the one from the Seinfeld episode?
I think.
Damn it.
Yeah.
I should have thought of that one.
I'm about to lose right here.
Guessing the Best Italian Bread 00:13:24
No, you're really not thinking.
Think of countries.
A lot of countries have breads.
You're not thinking.
Damn it.
Can I start naming the breads at Subway?
No.
No.
I mean, I guess.
But I mean, it just doesn't seem Subway always smells like they're baking a sneaker in there.
Why does the bread baking process smell like a sneaker that's been left out in the rain?
What are they baking?
Subway never smells good.
It never even smells.
That was one of the things we used to, you know, when we did it gets cold in a ton of stone.
We used to sell Subway with the thing we used to make fun of.
We used to go, Subway, eat fresh with flies.
Because there was always flies on the white tomatoes.
I'm going to give you one.
Say Italian bread, dummy.
Is that one?
I almost thought of that, but is that real?
Yes, dumb, dumb.
Okay, Italian bread.
Okay.
You said Italian bread.
Now, Ben has lost already because I've now given him.
Yeah.
So Ben has failed.
But you've said Italian bread.
I'm going to say, I'm going to say.
And this is not fair either.
Because now I'm starting to blanket.
I don't know why I'm fucking blanking.
There are other breads.
There's other fucking breads out there.
Why am I?
Oh, I got one.
I backed on.
Shut up.
Shut up.
You'll be back at the game when I tell you.
So as a bread, I'm going to say semolina bread.
I'm going to Google that to make sure that I'm not full of shit, but I'm pretty sure I'm not.
Yep, semolina bread.
Semolina bread.
Semolina bread.
Okay.
Potato bread.
Potato bread.
Hold on.
I know this is riveting content.
You know, shut up.
Are you thinking of breads in your fucking car or wherever you listen to this shit?
You should be.
This has gotten hard.
I shouldn't have given Ben a lifeline and got him back in because now he's pulling things out.
I could easily say like cranberry, like the cranberry bread, peasant bread.
I'm going to say peasant bread, which is a legitimate bread.
It's a genre of bread.
I'm going to go religious.
Unleavened bread.
Unleavened bread, which is matzah.
I don't know.
Did you say matzah already?
I didn't say matzah.
Okay.
Keto cloud bread.
Damn it.
The keto keto.
All right, we'll stop this.
But my point is that why are Theo and Chow making trillions of dollars doing this?
They did a cheese off.
We just did a bread off.
Cheese is so much better.
There are so many more cheese.
You want to just go cheese real quick, rapid fire.
Mozzarella.
American.
Cheddar.
Swiss.
Goat.
Fuck.
Shit, shit, shit.
Buffalo.
Buffalo is not a cheese.
Blue.
Gruyere.
Gorgonzala.
Good.
Roquefort.
Oh, damn it.
Smoked cheddar.
There's 90 cheddars.
Oh, Munster cheese.
Stilton.
That was nice.
Yeah.
Camembert.
All right, we'll stop.
Here's the point, folks.
The show is not big enough because I don't have contempt for you as an audience enough.
And I've tried to entertain you.
What I believe I should start doing is nothing and have contempt for you as an audience and sit here.
And instead of giving you unique and funny insights on the world, just start to do garbage.
Just start to do boring, like, let's pass the time shit, like that you would talk to, you know, like, you know, your buddies to sleep over when you were in like 11th grade.
You go like, hey, Ben, if you could live anywhere in the world, wait a minute.
I do love Theo and Brandon, and I do.
I would like to go on King and Stink.
Do they have guests?
I don't think so.
Well, we're going to change that because you know what?
I've had enough of the nose.
I've had enough of the doors slamming in my fucking face.
I'm a keto kid, and I'll get on that fucking show.
A couple of pods I need to do.
What happened with your mom's house?
Here's what happened.
They had me on Drew again.
I was in Cincinnati.
I'm like, my flight is not going to get back in time.
He's going to chance who traffic's a fucking nightmare.
I'm like, I can't do Drew.
So they're like, oh, we'll get you on again.
I think that might be it.
They've had like 97 people on your mom's house since I've come out here.
That's okay.
That's okay.
We're independent.
We don't need it.
We work for Shake Ology.
Are you depressed, sad, fat?
Well, have we got news for you?
Wait, are you doing good?
No, no, no.
This is not for you.
Do you want to live and do you enjoy life?
Well, then our product is not for you.
Our product is for people with postpartum depression who are thinking of sticking their head in an oven.
That's who our product is for.
That's probably who this podcast is for, too.
Maybe not.
There are some people that enjoy this that are.
Yeah, I see them.
I meet them at shows and they're like, you know, young professionals and they're good looking.
And then there are, you know, there are the others, the ones who dwell in darkness.
You know?
What did I want to say before I get out of here?
I don't know if I'm doing that double-decker tour bus around Manhattan show in November.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm still deciding.
I may not do it.
I probably am not doing it as part of the New York Comedy Festival because I'm on tour with Kreischer, with Bert.
So I am not doing that.
And I don't know if I'm going to do it later in the month.
It's very possible that I do it later in the month.
It's possible that I don't.
I still have to make that decision.
It's a lot to do.
It's a lot to get out there.
Not to get out there, not to fly out there, but the bus rental, you know, there's a lot.
The whole thing, the weather, this, that, insurance, the money, this.
I do like it.
I almost kind of want to do it one more time to just wrap it up and say goodbye.
I may.
I'm still deciding.
I know many of you have reached out.
You want to go on it.
It's a unique experience.
It's very, no one will ever do it.
I mean, it's truly cool and I like it.
It's a lot of fun.
I don't know if I'm going to do it, but I might.
As always, live dates.
Okay.
I want you fuckers to come buy some tickets, tag your friends.
Like, this is like Shake Ology.
Side splitters in Tampa, October 17th through the 20th.
Hyenas, Fort Worth, Texas, November 14th through the 16th.
Vermont Comedy Club, November 21st through the 23rd.
Stress Factory, Bridge.
I'm going off keto in Vermont.
I'll tell you that much.
I am fucking, I just, when I go to Vermont, I just, I just drink maple syrup.
Stress factory.
And it's not even good.
It's like the sugar syrup is better.
The anti-emime is better.
The corn syrup is better, but whatever.
But it's fun to have the, you know.
Stress factory, Bridgeport, December 5th through the 7th in Connecticut.
Comedy Connection, Providence, Rhode Island, December 13th and 14th.
Magoobies, Timonium, Maryland.
God, I love Magoobies, but that town is not fun.
It's a rest stop that became a town.
January 9th through the 11th.
I'm also, I'm having a crab cake there.
Zani's Chicago, February 5th through the 8th.
This is a long run.
5th, 6th.
She's still going?
Oh my God.
She's singing now.
What is she singing?
I don't know.
Let's sing with her.
I keep it juicy, juicy.
I eat that lunch.
He liked the booty booty.
He liked it plump.
You got it, doozy, juzzy.
Ma, if you can see it from the front, you're going to see it from the back.
I put my true legend, mama.
I put my ass in your face now.
Come out, Zani's in Chicago.
How's it comedy?
Bloomington, Minnesota, April 9th through the 11th.
How's it comedy?
Phoenix, Arizona, May 7th through the 9th.
Comic strip, Edmonton, June 18th through the 20th.
And the big one, I'm announcing this.
This is the big one headlining Carolines Comedy Club in New York City, March 12th through March 14th.
Five shows, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, March 12th through the 14th.
Carolines in New York City.
It's going to be a big show.
I'm going to fucking get great people to open for me.
I'm going to put great guest spots on that show, man.
It's going to be fucking killer.
That show, I can promise you is going to be great.
So those are the live dates.
They are all on Instagram.
They're all on TimDylonComedy.com with links to ticket pages.
I'm also coming to Edmonton.
I think I said that comic strip in Edmonton, Canada, Edmonton, Alberta, June 18th through the 20th.
So I'm out there on the road, get tickets.
Shows a lot of fun.
I have new 45 minutes of material.
And I also, you know, me, I fucking talk about all kinds of shit on stage.
It's not only material, trust me.
To the, you know, to the consternation of some of my representatives.
They're like, we really can't submit this tape where you just go off about the Illuminati for 10 minutes.
I'm like, but the audience is laughing.
They're like, yeah, but you're directly referencing networks.
And I'm like, you know, this isn't.
I'm like, well, yeah, I understand that.
I think in one tape I submitted, I said a carpool karaoke would only be funny if they get into an accident.
So they were like, yeah, we don't, we shouldn't really submit this.
And you said Jimmy Fallon was chained to his desk so he didn't bite someone's tit.
I'm like, is that not how that show works?
I mean, I imagine that's how that show works.
He's injected with things, and then he's chained to the desk.
Am I wrong?
Is that not how late night television works?
Is he doing this of his own free will?
I mean, I know he's making money, but after a while, guess who's on Fallon tonight?
Billie Eilish, our girl with a leg brace.
I wonder what happened.
I wonder what happened, Billy.
Did you trip at Bohemian Grove?
I know she's not a saint, and she's probably just fucking boring.
Or maybe she is.
What the fuck do I know?
I don't care anymore.
Nobody's giving me anything.
The fuck am I protecting?
I'd sit down with her if she bought me lunch.
She's got to buy me lunch.
Bitches in arenas.
I'm hawking CBD.
Sit down.
Explain to me why you're good.
Explain to me why this is good.
I'm Billy.
You want me to be Billy?
I'm going to be Billie Eilish right now.
Everybody ready?
I am sad about you.
I don't know why you are.
Yeah.
I want to sacrifice a baby.
Defiling innocence is the highest sacrament in the religion I am in.
Death.
That's Billy.
And, you know, what are you going to do?
We're going to have a lot of fun if you come out to the shows.
And the Patreon episodes, Patreon.com, the Tim Dylan show.
We got a lot going on.
We're going to get some guests on the page.
We're not really doing a ton of guests on the main program.
We'll do the big guys.
We'll do like Coco Diaz and stuff.
But we're not doing like, you know, people that are not worthy of getting this time because we have a lot of fun with this time.
But on Patreon, we're going to do some guests, some maybe deeper interviews with people.
So if you're interested in that stuff, Patreon, $5 a month is a way to do it.
$20, you can be a Rothschild member.
Patreon Sketches and Deep Interviews 00:02:06
We appreciate that.
Longer versions of the videos we did.
Fun video we did that video that we did.
I think it's 116,000 or something views on Twitter.
If you see those things and you can share them, it's great if you do.
If you're in a position where you can't for whatever reason, they're too whatever, then fine.
Then create an alt account and share them from there.
Okay?
But it's good, you know, because I'm not waiting for blue check mark people to share the videos.
But they are funny, man.
It's a type of comedy.
There's not a lot of people doing what we're doing out there.
There's not.
And I'm not saying that to be like, wow, and by the way, that shocks me because what we're doing isn't that big of a deal.
And it shocks me that more people don't put together, but I think a lot of people just maybe are afraid of rubbing people the wrong way about doing some of these things.
But there are some people that are doing funny sketches.
Joe Quizala does funny sketches.
Meg Stalter, Megan Stalter does funny sketches.
Connor Amally does funny sketches.
They're all funny.
And all those people might hate my guts.
I don't care.
But I think their sketches are good.
You know, they probably think I'm like David Duke, you know, because I think Shane Gillis shouldn't be roasted in the town square.
But maybe they, I don't know how they feel about it.
I'm just saying those are three very funny people.
It's not my business how everyone feels.
I don't care.
None of it matters.
My uncle lived in Ridgewood, New Jersey.
He had a great cheese place.
And there was a great fish cheese spread.
If the guy making that spread was a Nazi, I don't care.
And that's a bad example because no one, Shane's not a Nazi, and SNL is nowhere near as good as that fish spread.
But do you get what I'm saying?
I don't care what you believe in your home.
The reason we have the country set up the way it does is to crush your beliefs anyway.
Get the word out.
You fuck up.
The only word that's getting out in this goddamn country is about beachbody.com and shakeology.
Goodbye.
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