All Episodes
Previous Next
Plain Text
Sept. 8, 2019 - The Tim Dillon Show
01:06:29
164: 164 - Life In The Big City
# social media qanon political cynicism bernie sanders beto orourke bill clinton boston bombing donald trump jr economic collapse elizabeth warren fbi government tyranny gun control jeffrey epstein lane maxwell logan paul megan mccain

Patreon link for bonus episodes below. Tim rants beneath the LA sky on a hot summer night. He smokes and talks about loveless couple's Instagram vacations, Meghan McCain, the future of Tim's comedy career, and a very wise man from his past. Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
|

Time Text
Megan McCain and Lane Bryant 00:06:34
Hey, it's Tim Dylan, and fear not, we are on the porch.
We have a live video for you.
But if you want an extra episode every week, and if you want all the two years of audio archives to the show, and if you want longer versions of those videos you put out on Twitter and Instagram, and if you want to help suggest things that we talk about on the show, you want to interact with us, patreon.com slash the Tim Dylan show, patreon.com slash the Tim Dylan show.
This is a great way to support the show and contribute to it.
Thank you.
Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, pops, and candy wrappers.
Mm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
Welcome to the Tim Dylan show, everybody.
We are here on the porch.
This is, I don't know when this is going to, this is coming out, obviously next Sunday, this Sunday, whatever it is, Thursday night.
Megan McCain had a diatribe about gun buyback program that's being proposed.
She said there's going to be a lot of violence, which is probably correct.
But she said it in typical Megan McCain fashion, which no matter what she said, you would want to hate her and you wouldn't be wrong.
Because the thing about Megan, and I know people that know her, and in real life, they have confided in me that she is a monster.
She's a real rich chick in every sense of the word.
She's got a job that she did not earn.
Her knowledge base on world issues is non-existent.
On domestic issues, same.
But she pops off.
She's my aunt.
She's my aunt with a national platform.
She's my aunt, but given millions and millions of dollars to spew whatever rolls off her tongue.
Which it is what it is.
I mean, I know they're not hiring me on the view.
They need a conservative on the view.
I'm cool with all that.
But Megan McCain, you know, she's a legacy of a guy that conservatives only liked when he was dead.
They didn't like him when he was alive.
As soon as he said half of my brain has been eaten, they were like, oh, he's a hero.
We love him.
But up until then, they didn't give a fuck about him.
So we did a little video today mocking Megan.
This is, you know, the first video that we did since the original Megan McCain video.
And, you know, I went to Lane Bryant.
I got, you know, got the white blazer.
Look good.
31 bucks.
What are you fat bitches complaining about?
I go to Rochester big and tall.
I spent $150 for a fucking t-shirt.
$34.
You get a beautiful white blazer.
You don't know how good you fucking have it.
There is nothing for plus-size men.
You got to wear a suit or a Hawaiian shirt or some stupid like Ed Hardy, you know.
That's a type of fact.
There's two types of fat guy.
Insanely successful.
DJ Khaled Or quasi-homeless bum who lives with his brother.
Those are the two types of fat guy that exist in the minds of people that make clothing.
And I remember, and I've known both of those fat guys.
I knew a lawyer who's like 450, tailored suits, custom.
When I was selling mortgages, he'd walk in.
He always looked great.
He was a fat whale, but he was tailored.
Everything fit.
Pinstripe suits, three-piece.
Walk in, the guy looked great.
And I knew my friend's uncle, who was just a fat mess, who would like crash high school parties.
He was like 40, got in the limo with us once.
We were going to a strip club.
Somebody got like a shitty limo, and he got in the limo with us.
And he was talking all the way to the strip club about how he's going, oh, see these girls, see this pussy, oh, fuck this pussy.
And I think by the time we got to the strip club, he was asleep.
I think I'm remembering that.
We're literally, he was asleep by the time we got to the strip club.
Just like, and people had to wake him up.
They're like, hey, man, you want to go in?
Remember that pussy you were talking about?
You know, you had to wake him up.
He was asleep.
And I remember one of my friends looked at me and went, that's sad.
Sad.
It's tough out there.
That's what I'm trying to, you know, I'm trying to rein it in.
I don't want to be that guy.
It's trying to impress all the young guys and then falls asleep.
That's not a cool guy.
That's not the guy you want to be.
But, you know, those are the two types of fat guys out there.
But fat women, you guys are doing fucking great.
You got Lizzo.
You got popular culture.
You got it all.
You got Lane Bryant.
By the way, how great were the saleswomen in Lane Bryant?
Wonderful.
Wonderful.
I'm trying stuff on.
They're fitting me.
It doesn't matter that I'm clearly a man in a woman's store.
It's 2019.
We're in LA.
They're like, do you need shoes?
They're with it.
And then I put makeup on my face, cheap makeup from Target.
It's made out of acid.
Cheap makeup.
Cheap lip gloss.
Garbage.
I put all this on.
My skin's falling off of my face.
I'm trying to scrub this out of my pores when I'm done making this video.
Hair, fake eyelashes, 30,000 views on Twitter.
Nothing.
Private FBI Secrets Revealed 00:11:34
30,000 views.
I'm essentially trans for the video.
30,000 fucking views.
Thanks a lot.
Very few blue check marks.
All these people who tweet about Mega McCain's the devil every day.
Right.
And then they don't retweet this.
I don't know why.
Maybe it's too vulgar.
You're the fuckers that are always like, take the gloves off.
The gloves are off.
I'm saying she puts guns in her pussy and you're not retweeting it.
What else would you like me to do?
And it's funny.
I'm not making political points.
I don't give a shit.
I think it's hilarious that she's defending guns by saying that the AK-47 is like the most popular.
Like it's the prom king.
I think that's just funny.
Whether you agree with gun control, I don't care what you think or believe.
So don't contact me through any form of social media and tell me, well, actually, none of it.
Go away.
I've done nine rants about your opinion is superfluous.
It's an afterthought.
Your rationale is an afterthought.
So don't get it.
It's funny.
It was funny to me when she does those things and says those things, they are funny.
I'm a pro-gun guy to an extent, but how many massacres would get you to alter your position?
It's a fair question.
How many mass shootings would one a day do it?
Would one a day get you to just look at it again?
Just revise.
I don't know.
Maybe not.
There seems to be hardcore people out there that don't care.
And maybe it won't work.
Maybe banning the assault weapons, maybe it won't work.
But how many shootings would make you try?
How many?
What would you need?
What would do it?
We have so many, as the great Eddie Pepitone said in his special, he's bored by them.
They're boring.
He was right.
Eddie's right.
They don't even matter anymore.
No one cares.
17-month-old shot in the face, next.
No one cares.
Because people think that if we give up the weapons, the government will start to get tyrannical.
Start.
They'll start.
What do you think the government would do if we didn't have the weapons?
Let's think of it.
Let's brainstorm.
Do you think potentially the government might start spying on everybody, listening to their phone calls and reading their emails?
Do you think possibly the government might totally suspend habeas corpus and say that they could decide that you were an enemy combatant and lock you up in prison and not charge you with a crime and keep you there indefinitely and torture you?
You think the government would start doing that?
You think the government would start taking whistleblowers and locking them in little boxes and making them go insane when they've said things like the military is slaughtering civilians and the NSA is acting without congressional authority to just wiretap everybody?
You think the CIA might start spying on the Senate Intelligence Committee and destroying tapes of their interrogation, which many people and experts have said is tantamount to torture?
Do you think the elites would start engaging in illicit sexual behavior like pedophilia on private islands?
And that if that ever came to light, they might potentially murder the person who was about to testify, even though he was in a maximum security prison in New York City.
Do you think they would get us into endless wars without any explanation?
Do you think they would murder journalists?
Do you think they would do all those things if we gave up the guns?
Because we got an arsenal of guns.
And everything that I just mentioned is fucking business is fucking usual.
So what is the fear?
They would just start locking people up right and left and camp.
Maybe they would.
I'm open to that thought process.
I think that's a little too messy for them.
Do you need to lock anyone up in camp?
What is the, does the, does the, people need to go to work, right?
So, you know, people think or people have it in their head that we're like this country made up of freedom fighters who don't take no shit.
We're, we're freedom fighters.
We demand accountability.
And if you take our weapons away, it's going to get real bad.
Because we're not shooting at squirrels in our backyard.
We're demanding accountability with those weapons.
Are we?
If that was the case, it'd be 10,000 people right now.
Like you're on Hong Kong.
Where are the street protests?
Well, you have the weapons.
You have the guns.
You have the guns.
You have access to transportation.
The people in Hong Kong, they don't even have guns.
They're getting taken tasers to the face to show that they're pissed.
We've had none of that except a couple of theater kids fighting a couple of guys who can't get laid in Portland.
That's the only skirmish we've had.
We got a couple of vigilantes doing some version of Westside story in Portland.
And people act like, well, if they take the guns, it's going to be trouble.
They're going to start stepping on our necks.
Huh?
I mean, I could be wrong.
I'm willing to be wrong here.
I'm willing to engage people.
I have friends that are libertarians, which is a, which is a dumb thing to be.
Private roads, private, destroy the government.
We're going to live in anarchy.
We're going to live in chaos.
Those are always people who've lived with their mother for too long.
Those are always people who would last about three minutes in a street fight that believe those things.
Get rid of everything, chaos and anarchy.
There's a temptation when you're on the, when you're on that side of the spectrum or you're a radical leftist, you know your ideas will never get put into practice.
So it's easy to get very romantic about them.
Doesn't matter.
It's like picturing fucking somebody who's really hot and you know damn well you're never going to do it.
And if you had the chance to do it, you're going to be nervous.
You're going to barely get hard.
You're coming in five seconds.
It's not what you think it's going to be.
But it doesn't matter because you're not, Jessica Alba's not fucking you.
So you don't get to play out that fantasy and make it into a reality and realize, oh, I should fuck her good, right?
I should make this fun for her.
Your ideas are ideas.
None of them ever.
I talked to libertarians who I like as people.
They're like, yeah, we should just have private.
That's all happening already.
There are gated communities.
There are private roads.
When that thing in Malibu happened, there were private firefighters.
Rich people go to, they go to private.
All of the schools they go to are private.
All of that shit is going down already.
How much more private shit do you want?
Every fucking five minutes in California, you run up against the gate because people are like, no, this is not for you.
Not for you.
This beach isn't for you.
For someone else.
There's a lot of private stuff.
But I don't know if everyone was walking around with an AR-15.
Is the country better off?
I don't know.
I used to believe, but no one really is interested in freedom.
No one really cares unless it's about a gun.
I've had people say to me, I don't care that they read my email.
I'm not doing nothing.
It's not the point.
The point is you shouldn't have to be a child pornographer to care if the government is reading everything you do.
It's not the point.
Well, I'm not doing anything.
So who cares what they do?
Because you don't know what's going to happen.
You don't know who's going to be reading that.
You don't know what they're going to perceive as anti-social behavior.
You don't know what you could potentially say to somebody.
Well, I think the government's doing a bad job.
FBI.
You don't know.
Think of the politicians really hate, whether it's the Clintons, whether it's Trump, whoever it is.
You hand these people absolute power in every fucking area of your life.
You don't give a shit.
You don't care.
And I try to tell people, I'm like, well, it's not good that they have this kind of power.
Well, they're just detaining Muslims.
They're just detaining terrorists and anime combatants.
What?
What's the criteria for that?
If we go into your country and we start dropping bombs on it and you ain't pleased, you're an enemy combatant.
If you don't walk out of your house and go, thank you.
Thanks for the drone strikes.
Thanks for the bombs.
If you don't dance in the street, you're an enemy combatant.
We should just be able to torture you.
I don't.
It's what the FBI does.
I just read an article the other day that Ben sent me.
And I've known this.
The FBI gives guns to mentally retarded Muslims.
And they walk into a mosque and they pick some kid, some like young guy who's completely unaware that he's even a human being on earth.
He doesn't know what the fuck's going on.
And they hand him a bomb.
And then they go, he's a terrorist.
And then they put him in jail and they go, you better inform.
We're going to torture the fuck out of you.
What do you think they did with the Boston bombing?
Why do you think we ever heard about that?
You ever hear that trial?
By the way, you think the media is above?
The media couldn't cover that trial because they had SAMs put on everyone involved called special administrative measures put on everyone involved in that trial.
You don't think the media would have been in there?
You think the media didn't like it because Americans got killed?
You don't think the media, you don't think it was salacious?
A young kid, decent looking?
They put him on the front of Rolling Stone as like the first fucking hot Vine Star terrorist.
This fucking young Vine star, like they called him like the sexy terrorist.
That was the direction they were going in.
They were going to make him, you know, into that.
You don't think they wanted to be in there with cameras in his fucking face, interviewing him all the time.
They weren't allowed to do that.
You didn't hear much about that.
You didn't hear much about their friend who the FBI interviewed and killed during the interview.
Killed him during the interview.
Dennis Det Grandmother Trial 00:10:51
We all swallow that.
But if they took our guns away, the government would really start to overreach.
The government would just start framing people and killing witnesses.
They're doing it.
They're doing it now.
I don't.
I get it.
I'm not going after your gun.
Don't.
I have friends with guns.
Guns are fun to shoot.
I get it.
People go hunting.
I'm not.
But this whole argument that you're residing, that you're the 1776 militiamen resisting this tyrannical government because you have a gun doesn't seem to be borne out by the facts.
It's gotten pretty bad.
At what point will we start to resist?
When will the resisting start?
And don't take this the wrong way and don't clip this and get me off social media and don't get don't get me taken down.
But you know what I mean?
Well, when will you start when they do it to you, when they walk in your house and they snatch you?
Yeah, but we, you know.
Nobody wants to talk about this.
Nobody wants to watch The Bachelor.
I get it.
It's a fun show.
Who's he going to pick?
Who's he going to choose?
What gold-digging whore will this Empty suit, choose who probably doesn't have any fucking money anyway.
Well, everybody, if you notice that I'm wearing the new NYPD shirt, it's from a sketch that we did where I played Jeffrey Epstein's security guard.
So is he supporting the police state with his clothing?
Yeah, that's what I'm doing.
That's what I'm doing.
Oi, det er hjemmelaget lasagne.
Ja, men det er bare Toro, altså.
Bare Toro.
Det er jo så godt så hjemmelaget bare er mye enklere.
Fyll i saus, deilig smak, og alle liker det.
Når det er så lett å lage noe så godt, hvorfor gjør det vanskelig, he?
Toro, kjempegodt nok.
You know, listen.
There was this guy.
My mother rented her house out in eighth grade.
And I've told a lot of these stories.
I'm not going to go back into them.
But suffice to say, she rented it out to a lot of people who ended up selling drugs.
Because in Long Island, when you were renting a room and you didn't have any credit, you worked in construction.
And construction meant that you sold drugs.
And then you also maybe did construction, but you also sold drugs.
That was what it meant.
And she rented it out to one guy named Dennis.
Dennis was the only one in the house not selling drugs.
He barely had any fucking money.
And he was an older guy.
He's an interesting guy.
He was very spiteful.
He went to Vietnam.
He served in Vietnam.
Came back from Vietnam.
Had this thriving baseball card business.
Him and his wife into parties, Coke, booze, you know, the whole thing.
The whole nine or the whole eight, you know, Coke.
Him and his wife got divorced.
I don't know why.
Maybe he born somebody else.
I don't know.
Irreconcilable differences, whatever.
And instead of giving her alimony, he decided to quit his job and go live in a van down by the beach by Long Beach.
Okay.
He then moved into my mother's house where he befriended me and my friend Shay.
And he would tell us all these stories about, you know, bar fights and Vietnam.
And he was a cynic because he was old enough to have heard all the bullshit from every politician.
And he ended, as many people do, in a room drinking wine out of a Burger King cup with ice in it, smoking a pack of Marborough Reds a day and saying the N-word.
Now, that's neither here nor there.
And I don't endorse that kind of behavior.
I'm saying idealism, idealism ends usually there, is what I'm saying.
If you don't have a healthy dose of cynicism, you're going to end up like Dennis.
Dennis was not a bad man.
He wasn't great.
His kids hadn't spoken to him in five years, and they called him once and he was so drunk.
He answered, he went, and they went, hi, Dad.
And he went, and they said, I think I'm going to go.
And he goes, whatever.
After everything that happened, Dennis said, Life in the big city.
It was one of my favorite quotes he ever said.
Life in the big city.
My mother would go, the cops are going to probably raid the house because they're running a pretty big Coke operation upstairs.
And Dennis would go, Life in the big city.
My mother would go, Your kids you haven't seen in five years called you.
Because you were so drunk, they hung up the phone and they never want to speak to you again.
Life in the big city.
He would say that.
He'd sit there holding his hunting knife in a chair, staring at the fire, drinking cheap wine out of a Burger King big cup with ice in it, smoking Marlborough Reds and saying, Life in the big city.
He had a few other sayings.
Now, these are not good sayings.
I do not speak this way.
And I could say it was a different time, but there was no time when this was appropriate.
He'd walk around and say, There's an N-word in the wood pile.
I don't know what that meant.
I don't know why he would say that.
He was a deranged man who had lost most of what you could ever get in life.
He had nothing left.
He's dead.
You can't cancel him.
You can't cancel Dennis.
He died exactly as he should have, clutching his chest on a fishing boat in front of his brother.
He wasn't young.
He was in his late 50s, early 60s, probably early 60s.
And he had one last, you know, he loved playing cards.
And I don't endorse the sayings, but life in the big city, I don't think that was the worst way to handle everything.
And Dennis had guns.
Dennis had a lot of guns under his bed, in the closet.
But Dennis had those guns in case somebody came into the house.
He'd shoot them in the face.
So he said, if he was sober enough to find a gun, get his finger on the trigger, thank God that was never tested.
Would have shot me.
Would have shot me when I was just trying to do a line in the bathroom, like an eighth grader getting ready for school.
But life in the big city is kind of where you end up in many cases.
He'd sit there with my mother.
They'd eat baked clams.
They'd eat linguine with red clam sauce.
He would smoke cigarettes while he ate.
No one does that anymore.
He loved beer.
He loved wine.
No hard stuff.
He swore most of that off.
And he was a good guy.
I remember my grandmother's funeral.
He was, after my mother's house was lost, Dennis moved into my mother's van.
He came full circle.
He moved into my mother's van and then he parked it in my grandmother's driveway and he would shower in my grandmother's house and he would live in the van and he would give me advice.
He'd give my mother advice, living in a van in a driveway in Long Island.
He would say, This is what you got to do, and this is how you got to do it.
This is how you must proceed.
This is the way life is.
And sometimes you'd kind of say to him, and he'd say, Hey, I'm living in a van in a driveway.
Life in the big city.
Now, he never lived in a big city.
Never lived in a big city.
No.
He'd been in the city a handful of times, but the city was not part of his existence.
He was very comfortable on the marsh of Long Island.
I remember he came to my grandmother's funeral.
He moved in with another man in New York, another man in my town.
And now this man had a son.
And this man's son would get out of jail every three years and try to kill his father.
This is a fact.
He'd get out of jail every three years, go try to kill his father, and also try to kill Dennis.
You know, they'd have to jam the door shut and everything, like clockwork.
Dennis would come over to the house and go, Joey's out.
Tried to kill us again.
And we'd go, oh, yeah, well, that's that time, huh?
You know.
So, Dennis came to my grandmother's funeral.
He goes, I just got a brand new gun.
I said, oh, good.
And he goes, and I'll tell you right now, he goes, when Joey gets out this time, when I see him, I'm just going to kill him.
Before he even has a chance to make it onto the lawn, when I see him, I'm going to kill him.
This is what people are using guns for.
They're not using it to form a paramilitary force to check the Orwellian overreach of government.
Not that I've seen.
They're using it for these types of skirmishes.
And not that it's completely unnecessary, but let's not delude ourselves.
Dennis was not railing against the state.
He just wanted to shoot his friend's son before his friend's son came in the house and tried to kill his father and Dennis.
That's all.
I get it.
You know, life in the big city.
I miss Dennis.
Dennis was, again, not winning any awards as a humanitarian who's not the most woke person.
I think we've established that.
He was not woke.
He was barely awake, literally.
You know?
But that's what it is.
Jumping Over City Problems 00:07:11
And I'm not saying that's the only reason people use guns.
People use guns for a lot of reasons.
And some of them are good.
Some of them make a lot of sense.
But what people are also using guns for is to walk into a market or a school and shoot people in the face.
Now, you look at the internet, you see the direction things are moving.
You see that mental illness is widespread.
It's not being cared for.
Nobody is prioritizing their mental health and wellness other than this fake self-care horseshit, which is, you know, to get people to buy candles.
There is no such thing as self-care when you work three jobs a week to feed your baby cat food.
Eventually you snap.
Okay?
I don't care how many baths you run.
If you're always one car accident away from bankruptcy and homelessness, it doesn't matter if you light a lavender candle.
You're going to snap.
We push people to the brink.
We push them to the edge.
People are competing on American Ninja Warrior for insulin in this country and acting like it's a privilege.
So they're going to snap.
China does it when you work, when they work you to death at the Apple Factory and you try to kill yourself.
Foxconn puts all these tents, I'm not tense, on nets so that you can't kill yourself.
You just land in the net and they come and I guess pick you up and go, get back online, go back to work.
Okay?
Which is inhumane.
What if you handed all those people guns?
I bet there'd be some issues.
I bet there would be.
But that's where we're at in this country.
And I know that people listen to the show for positive reinforcement, and that's what I give you most of the time.
Most of the time, this show is about positivity and love and light.
But, you know, I tried to talk to somebody the other day about the state of the world.
You know, if you read that new article on Zero Hedge, which is kind of interesting, they got a lot of bullshit on that site.
But they're like, the central bankers are preparing for the collapse of the dollar by saying, let's institute a new cryptocurrency that serves our needs better than the dollar.
Rich people are hoarding cash.
People are cutting interest rates.
There's a lot of doomsday signs for the economy.
You try to tell somebody this, and they respond and go, listen, man, put that shit out of your head.
We're living in paradise.
And I understand, I understand why people feel that way.
It's because they're insane.
And I understand you were rewarded for being insane in this country.
For being insane, you were rewarded.
I'm like half crazy.
There's no money in that.
You got to go full fucking psychopath, full lunatic.
And to ignore reality.
To ignore, you know, I brought up, I'm like, you know, people are living in tents.
It's not good.
And one of my friends goes, friend I love, good person, talented person.
They were like, yeah, but there's been Hooverville's.
People have always been living in tents.
What?
Is that the response?
Is that the response?
People have always been living in tents.
Things are fine.
Things are fine.
We're not in a tent.
That's most people's way to process things.
They go, hey, that's the way people handle mass shootings.
They go, I'm not dead yet.
Hey, I ain't dead.
Soon, that'll be a point in the argument.
Somebody go on CNN and go, well, I'm pretty alive, and so are you.
So maybe you should relax, John.
And outside the windows, you'll hear, and they'll go, well, I'm here.
What's your big issue?
Stop being a negative Ned.
Stop being so negative about these mass shootings.
Am I the only one who sees these mass shootings?
It's a great way to appreciate life.
It's a great way to appreciate life to hear about 28 people that got mowed down at a farmer's market.
Makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside that you're on your fat ass and you don't have any lead in you yet.
I'm still alive.
I'm not in a tent.
This is the thought process.
Things are great, especially in LA.
You go, things are great.
And if you bring up anything, you know, half the, I do this.
I sneak this in now.
I go, I go out to dinner.
I go, hey, everybody's good.
Good, good.
What are we getting?
The appetite, what do you get?
The prawns?
The prawns.
Okay.
50% of American children are living in poverty.
What is the sauce with the prawns?
What kind of sauce is it?
Is it like a lime sauce, right?
Yeah, no, half the kids are, they don't have food or a medicine.
What do we want to do for an entree?
Do we want to split something?
I'm not that hungry.
And people don't people don't care.
Like, people are like, stop ruining everything.
You're doing good.
So many people in this country, they're one car accident away from bankruptcy, from financial disaster.
They really are.
Everybody's like, they're like Mario.
You know, you jump over the little thing.
Jump over it.
Almost got sideswiped.
Jump over it.
Almost got laid off.
They laid off everyone else.
They laid off my best friend.
He's in trouble.
Get the coin.
Run.
We're almost done with the level.
Quick.
Speed.
Speed.
Mushroom.
Jump.
Jump.
You know?
I don't have that rare blood cancer.
Oof.
Kid in that documentary did.
Jump.
Fly.
Oh, good.
My aunt left me $2,800 when she died.
Good.
That's the having the raccoon tail.
I can fly over the problems for a little while.
We're living in a video game.
And if you try to bring people's attention to that, they think you're a lunatic, you know?
I just want to be in love.
I want to be in the type of love, literally, where I look in somebody's eyes during a mass shooting.
And we're both being riddled with bullets.
And I don't care because I believe that love is out there, that all-encompassing love.
And I just want to be in that love.
I want it.
That's why I'm on keto and I'm going to lose a bunch of weight because I want to find that person out there that no matter what happens, we take a honeymoon to the Amazon rainforest.
Want to Host Real Shows 00:02:35
And we're like, isn't this beautiful?
And then all of a sudden, we see these people lighting fires.
And you see people running out of their houses with their babies and they're screaming.
And I go, it's so beautiful here.
And they go, yeah, man, it's just so nice, so peaceful.
We're so lucky.
And the screams, we don't hear the screams.
We hear, we're far enough away.
You just kind of see the people's mouths agape.
And you hear something that sounds like a scream, but it could also be just a beautiful bird.
And that's where I want to get to in my life because that's the way to live.
You know?
We're making these videos that are satirizing shit.
We're trying too hard.
We're trying too hard.
We're going to start.
We're going to adjust.
We're going to have new videos.
They're going to be better.
And it's just going to be me shitting.
I'm going to shit for one minute or maybe 25 seconds because the minute's a little long now.
For 25 seconds, I am going to take a shit in a different kooky place.
Okay.
And instead of doing that video at the pink wall, I'm just going to take a shit and I'm going to start flinging it at people.
I'm going to fling my own shit at people.
And I'm hoping that's going to get the numbers up.
I don't know, but that's what I'm going to try to do.
I'm going to start defecating in different fun, kooky places, and then taking my own shit and hurling it in the air and dancing.
And that is the entertainment that you people out there deserve.
And that's what you're going to get.
I just want to, you know, somebody just told me they're doing American Ninja Warrior, but it's going to be in the water.
It's going to be in the water.
They got asked to maybe host it.
It's a new American Ninja War.
I want to host.
I want to host real competition shows, real ones.
Where at the end of it, we give your kid an insulin shot at the end of it.
And people will defend that.
They'll go, they knew what they were there.
It's a competition, fair and square.
They knew what they were getting into.
Flint Michigan Vacation Plans 00:14:59
Now, yeah, it's not that bad.
It's good things happening.
There's great things happening.
It's great things.
It's fine.
There's beautiful, there's nice stuff.
There's nice hotels and ice and you can live in an igloo.
That dumb glass thing that fucking these couples, I don't believe your marriage is valid.
I don't care.
You can go on vacation all the time.
I see these couples that they go on these extreme vacations where they stay in these little glass igloos in Iceland and they go to all these beautiful places.
I know you don't love each other.
I see it in your eyes.
You could tell when people, you know, that young love when kids really love each other and they're in college, they're at some shitty fair.
They don't need anything except a churro and a Ferris wheel.
The vacations keep getting more extravagant.
It's because you're trying to reignite this flame.
And we all see it out there on Instagram.
We all know what's happening.
The most extravagant vacation you take is going to be the one where one of you kills the other one in their sleep.
I see it.
We're going and we're going to go and we're going to, on camels, we're going to go across the Gobi Desert.
And then we're going to look at the stars and that you just don't love each other anymore.
That's all.
See these extravagant, extravagant vacations people take.
They go on these extravagant.
I want to stay at the summit of a mountain with my love, with my love, because we love each other so much that we need to be, we need every minute of the vacation to be planned for us.
And we need to do a lot of excursions.
Because if we don't have, if we're just sitting on a beach next to each other, we're going to have to talk to each other.
And if that happens, it's going to go downhill quite quickly.
So we need people to get us out of bed, roll us out of bed, and put us on an excursion.
And we need to go ziplining immediately.
Because if I have to look at your face, I'm going to kill you.
So we need to go zip lining.
We need to go right now.
It's got to be a fun adventure.
No more peace and quiet.
We can't handle that.
Peace and quiet's not the move.
From the minute we touch down till the minute we leave, it's got to be chaos.
Controlled chaos.
I want to get a massage.
We got to go to a spa where we are beaten and injected with things, smacked with seaweed.
We need sand rubs and we need it all because we can't spend any time with each other unless we're being pampered.
We need to be pampered by other people.
Because if we try to pamper each other, it'll be a problem.
It'll be a real issue.
I see you people on Instagram.
I see you on the Graham.
I'm not hating you.
Yeah, I'm mad.
No, to take me on one of those.
Yeah, I'm mad.
Because I'm a bad person, too.
And I deserve to go to places that are ridiculous.
I want a five-star hotel chain to take whatever natural beauty that's left on this planet, colonize it, and sell it to me.
And a little twink doesn't speak because he's deaf, dumb, and blind mute.
And it's not rape.
He consents via braille.
Okay?
He consents.
Yes, he needs me to open doors for him and turn on lights.
If he leaves me, technically he will die, especially where we're going on vacation.
We're going to a volcano.
There's no arguments with a deaf, dumb, mute, but he's not that dumb.
It's not a retarded problem.
I'm not saying I'm having sex with a retard.
Okay, let's strike dumb.
He's just deaf and mute, but he's very intelligent.
He reads braille books all day.
He has a huge penis.
And I want to go and stay in an igloo with him for $2,500 a night in a villa with the wild local wildlife.
Going, what the fuck's going on?
Some poor sloth who now works for the four seasons comes and gives you your drinks.
Some tortured elephant has to just walk up and this majestic animal has to fill your face with food.
He just takes an apple in his snout and gives it to you.
That's what I want.
I want every piece of this earth colonized, taken, and sold back to me.
I don't have that kind of money.
We get 30,000 fucking views.
We need more.
We need a million views.
So I can go on vacation in a volcano.
And maybe it erupts and it kills a native.
Shut up.
I problem.
Cares.
You can't just go to a lake, is my point and sit there.
You can't just go out to Joshua Tree and look at the stars.
You have to invade a corner of the country and make it, and it has to be ridiculous.
Your Instagram vacations have to make me go, oh my God.
I didn't even know you could do that.
Their hotel room is on a melting glacier.
I can't believe it.
It's so beautiful.
Well, yeah, because of climate change, the glaciers melt.
We got a room right on one of the glaciers.
It's really gorgeous.
Absolutely beautiful.
You know, I just, you know.
I haven't gone on a vacation in a long time.
And that's all people talk about, by the way, is their vacation.
You ever go out with young professionals?
They talk about their vacations because their jobs were all too complex for them to get into because they're all fake or they're all inherently evil.
So they can't really tell you about it.
Yeah, well, we do.
You know, it's like, you know, it's kind of like a LinkedIn for human traffickers, whatever.
It's a, you know, it's a small business.
It's business to business sales.
It's an experimental, just kind of whatever.
It doesn't matter.
You go to brunch with these people.
I just want to talk about vacation.
Where have you gone?
Have you gone in Guila?
Where have you gone?
The great Ray Cump went on one vacation in New Orleans with his mother.
She took him three years ago.
She flew him first class.
And he left her and he went to his trip club.
That's how to live a life.
That's how to live life.
Traveling is so overrated.
I do it every week.
There's nothing to learn.
The earth looks like shit.
Stop hiking.
The earth is dead.
People in California, their brains are sunburned.
They hike.
There's no vegetation.
It's all been killed.
People, these arid desert wastelands, it's just mountain lions and rattlesnakes and these morons.
These executives just hike through them.
It's gross.
There's nothing to see here.
It's all overrated, is my point.
Get to know yourself.
Be real.
Connect to reality.
Okay?
Traveling.
Great.
Oh, girl.
Oh, yeah.
I saw.
We went.
We went and we saw.
It was so beautiful.
Oh, the sunset.
The sunset was so beautiful.
Shut up.
Sunset's everywhere.
That's everywhere.
Start traveling to war-torn countries.
Start traveling to cities that have collapsed, that are sacrifice zones.
Start traveling to places where you fear for your safety.
You want to learn.
So you're not learning anything unless you fear for your safety.
Then you learn.
Oh, you'll learn.
You want to learn how the world really works?
Go take a vacation to Flint, Michigan.
Drink some water.
That's a real extreme vacation, isn't it?
Do that.
Now, I'm aware many of the people listening to the show go on vacation.
And many of them, some of them enjoy the comedy.
Some of them, some of them probably are offended or they think I've gone too far here because I'm suggesting that instead of going somewhere nice for a honeymoon, you go to Syria where you might get killed or go to Flint, Michigan.
And I understand that.
Now, even though this is kind of a bit, I do, I can't describe to you how much I do want you to do that.
I do want young professionals going to Libya.
I do want them going to Yemen.
You want me to listen to you at Brunch?
That's how you start a conversation.
Me and John, we went to Yemen last year.
And so, first of all, it's very interesting in Yemen.
So they're doing the Saudis are doing a genocide with a lot of the money and weapons that we provide them.
And a lot of the kids in Yemen are so cute, but their rib cages bulge out of their bodies.
It looks like xylophones.
Remember, you used to play xylophones in school?
And they have no food and they don't really have any clean water.
It's really sad.
But there's so much history.
There's so much history.
I just want, I want that.
And I'll go, oh, you're really learning.
You're really learning.
We went to Flint, Michigan last year.
Me and Cliff, we went to Flint, Michigan for our honeymoon.
And let me tell you right now, the water was the color of human shit.
And I said to Cliff, what kind of resort is this?
And it wasn't a resort.
We were just staying in someone's house.
I was like, oh my God, this is wild.
We're learning so much about different cultures.
Some cultures apparently don't need clean water.
It's wild.
So, it's so interesting.
People tell you how much they learn on vacation.
We learn so much.
When I went on the Impractical Jokers Cruise, which was just morbidly obese people on scooters, those people, they let them out of the boat, which I called the pen.
So they let them out of the pen on the fourth day because we had docked in Costa Maya, Mexico, which is a fake town that was bought by Carnival Cruise Lines.
And all the people that lived there, they said, you can either work for us or we could just poison you.
I guess that was the choices.
And they decided, well, I guess I'll just sell knickknacks to these fat people.
And these fat slops were walking around this pretend thing in Mexico.
And like, they were like, there's all these fake booths selling like traditional Mexican art, which was not, you know, a traditional Mexican food.
It's Mexican chocolate.
It was good, like Godaiva.
It's traditional Mexican food.
It was like Taco Bell.
And these fat Americans are walking around like they're really learning about another culture.
Now, if you left, if you went three minutes outside of that fake little town, which was literally just a consumerist hell, if you went three minutes out of that town, there were people running around without shoes, chasing chickens, hoping to strangle them for dinner.
People were living in huts.
And I went with one of my friends, the great Michelle, a great woman and a demon.
And she went with us.
And you need people like her because otherwise these people will eat you.
We got in a taxi that took us to the beach and the beach, you know, and the taxi took us all through these shanty town and the taxi would not take us back.
Michelle started screaming, y'all take us back right now.
Taxi's like, no, this is as far as we go.
Michelle's like, y'all take us back now.
And there's nothing like the wrath of a middle-aged white woman who's never heard the word no because she'll never stop.
She won't stop.
Okay?
Until there's a diplomatic problem.
Until an embassy, she'll go to an embassy, start banging on the door.
So the taxi had to take us around.
But it was just so funny when you went out of this little cruise area, you walked around and you just saw people without shoes running around.
And you're like, God, you're like, get me back on that boat.
And of course, that boat was a floating toilet, but you were still like, just get me back on that boat.
We had like six, there were like 60 chefs on one of the cruise liners that docked.
60 chefs.
There was like one doctor in this whole town, and it was like a witch doctor.
You'd go in there with a problem and they would do a dance around you.
They were still doing bloodletting with leeches.
We'd pull up with 60 chefs, people just throwing away food, you know.
But it's a lot to learn.
Just at least own the vacation.
I want to go get drunk and have fun.
That's why I love my Long Island friends.
They go, I just want to drink somewhere warm.
That's what people in Long Island say, I don't want to go to London.
I want to get hammered somewhere warm.
Vito, I don't want to go to London.
Well, Vito doesn't want to go either.
This is a fake argument.
It's a fake argument.
It's like Vito's like, no, I want to go to London.
I want to see.
No, that's none of that.
I want to go to Greece.
It's the birthplace of democracy.
No, they want to sit on a beach and they want to get hammered because it looks different from their backyard.
This whole thing with vacation, all these fake people are like, well, we learned so much on the vacation.
You're not going to learn.
You're going to get hammered.
And I'm fine with that.
It's okay.
I get it.
Stop disguising the fact that you want to learn.
You know, I will accept advertisements from cruise lines.
I will let you know that.
I will absolutely.
I have no problem with that.
No problem at all.
I think everyone should bring their guns on vacation.
I think that would be fun.
Paid Attention to Weird Folks 00:11:49
They should have a gun lover's cruise and people could just shoot at the Atlantic Ocean.
They could just shoot their guns into the water.
Why not?
The fish would get to know.
They'd be like, oh, the gun crew, the NRA cruise is coming.
They're going to start firing their guns into the water.
Do that.
It's fun.
Why not?
Vacations.
I'd love to take a vacation, but I've had enough.
I've had enough of people.
You know, folks, I know that I know that I seem extreme, but you know, I want the best for all of you.
That's all.
Everything I do here is for the betterment of you as people.
That's all.
That's all I'm trying to do.
I'm trying to give you a life plan.
Okay.
And I just think that vacations should just be about excess.
Go eat.
Go drink.
Go be a pig.
You've earned it.
You've earned it.
And if you want to go learn, go live somewhere for six months.
You know, nobody travels.
I suggest that to people, like, oh, get out of here.
Go to China.
My friends, little brothers, sisters, get the fuck out of here.
They don't want to leave.
I like it here.
I want to stay.
Go learn something.
Go take six months or a year.
You're not learning anything taking a walking tour.
Okay, of Madrid.
They went to the Prado and they're go move to Spain.
Be a lazy drunk like that whole country is.
They get it right.
They just drink and lay around all day.
They don't give a shit.
It doesn't matter to them.
People have said to me, What do you think will happen with the Epstein thing?
I've said this before.
I've said it many times, and the answer is nothing.
And I know that that perplexes some of you because many of you have not paid attention to anything ever.
And I think that is the issue.
To live now and have never paid attention to anything ever must be disorienting for many of you.
No, there is no justice.
It will not happen.
Don't look for it.
It's not going to happen.
They're not going to get just Lane Maxwell.
She's not going to, you know, she's not going to fucking blow the whistle.
They're not going to haul the Clintons out of their house.
You can believe in the QAnon and the fairy tales on Reddit, and you do whatever you want.
You can do whatever you want.
We are not the protagonist in the novel here.
Okay?
We're on a ride.
We're on a ride at Disney World.
All the loops, the high, they're all predetermined to an extent.
The ride will end.
You'll get off the ride.
You'll be like, well, I thought we were going to fucking something was really going to happen there.
And remember, but it wasn't.
You've all been on rides with people like that.
They get off and they're like, I didn't, I thought we were really fucked and we went around the curve.
No, that's not it.
No, you're not the one it's going to happen to.
You're not the, you know, it's a ride.
Bill Hicks said it.
Bill Hicks had a nice positive vibe.
I should take a, I may start tripping out again.
That might be what I need to do to deal with these people.
Even if I have a conversation with people now, I need to be on a dose.
Because you've never, that's the thing people have never paid attention.
They haven't paid attention.
And they think, they're like, surprise.
Like, this is surprising that we're not going to.
And the reward is to not pay attention.
The reward is to dig, put your head in the sand.
That's the reward.
That's how you succeed.
That's how you win.
You want to win?
Go to bed.
If you want to win, close the book.
X out the window.
Go to bed.
The rabbit holes don't end.
They just get deeper and deeper.
You dig yourself deeper and deeper in.
Go on vacation.
Go stay in an igloo in what's left of this ravaged planet.
Enjoy it.
Protect yourself.
Protect your kids.
Maybe if you have a gun, put it to good use and blow your head off.
But don't expect that this ends like a movie does.
This doesn't end.
We end.
Eventually, the dollar collapses.
America doesn't lead the world.
The criminals that run the country get more brazen.
They're getting pretty brazen.
They're going to get more and more brazen.
That coincides with the population being stupefied.
The population gets very dumb.
They watch jiggling asses all day.
They don't demand answers.
They go, yeah, that was strange.
That was odd.
They don't.
The art that we consume gets dumber.
It tells us to question less.
We don't question anything anymore.
Everything's a Marvel movie where someone's going to save the day.
It's always a superhero that's going to come in and save the day.
There's no superheroes.
They're not coming.
Okay?
That's not the way it is.
But that's how you're conditioned to believe that somebody's going to come.
Is this it, Beto O'Rourke?
It's Beto Gunners.
And maybe it's Bernie.
Oh, Elizabeth Warren.
Her folksiness.
She's just going to mow down the military industrial complex with her folksiness.
No.
No, that's not what happens.
What happens is you get old.
What happens is you get bored.
What happens is you end up sitting on a chair, drinking wine out of a Burger King cup filled with ice, staring at the flames.
And no matter what anybody says, you look at them, you shrug, and you go, life in the big city.
And you ain't nowhere near a fucking city.
That's how it ends.
So embrace it.
Enjoy it.
That's what it is out there, folks.
That maybe find a few like-minded people to go, huh?
That was weird.
You know, the next terrorist attack that, you know, someone pulls off by parachuting into the Super Bowl and, you know, with a nuke attached to them or something, you know.
It'll be Donald Trump Jr., but we'll be told not to question it.
You know, you might want to make a few buddies.
You go to the local watering hole and go, that was odd, huh?
That was strange.
That was odd.
But don't expect anything to change.
The art, the movies, the music, it's going to get worse.
Maybe not worse.
It'll just get dumber.
It'll be good.
The effects will be great.
The effects will be great because we'll start killing real people soon.
It'll just be snuff films.
We'll start killing real people soon in films.
So the effects will be great.
That'll be really someone's carotid artery soon.
It's coming.
Videos will start coming out of people torturing children.
They'll say it's deep fakes.
That's coming.
Oh, somebody made a deep fake at Bill Clinton and this 13-year-old.
This is strange.
The elite don't care about you.
They worship at weird temples on islands.
They're out of it, folks.
And they've always been weird.
They always hang out with weird scientists.
They're into transhumanism.
They're into all kinds of shit that you'll never be into.
Just cut carbs.
Lower the carbs.
Feel a little better.
But, you know, this is my message of hope.
This is my message of hope to you.
I find this to be tremendously uplifting.
And I know many don't.
Many don't.
They don't find it to be uplifting.
But I've paid attention.
That's the thing.
I really have paid attention.
Not to everything.
And there's people that have paid a hell of a lot more attention than I have.
And they're dead.
Okay?
They go bye-bye.
They're not here to really give their thoughts because they paid real close attention.
So do that at your own risk.
But that's where we're at, folks.
Enjoy it.
I'm doing a podcast with Logan Paul tomorrow.
We're all here.
Everything's coming.
The devil is real and he's the only one who loves you.
So sit in that chair, grab a Burger King cup, fill it with ice, fill it with cheap wine, and drink yourself till you feel warm and fuzzy and staring at that fire.
And if anybody tries to puncture your bubble with even the slightest hint of reality, kill them.
And if you don't want to do that, just smile and they won't know what you mean.
Just say, hey.
Somebody brings up something.
You go, hey, man.
Life in the big city.
And close your eyes.
And that's it.
Okay?
And that's a true, true victory in these times.
TimDylanComedy.com, if you want to see me live, it is more upbeat.
I am more upbeat live.
It's funnier.
Although this was kind of funny.
You know, to a certain crew, to a certain crowd.
Sure, it's funny.
I enjoy it.
Got to do what you love.
All I am is the guy that's walking around going, bring out your dead.
That's all I am here.
I am just the modern version of the guy ringing the bell during the plague and going, bring out your dead.
That's all.
Except nobody's got the plague.
You're just bringing out Adderall zombies who want to go on vacation.
The dead talk.
Bring out your dead.
They go, I'm going to Anguila.
That's what the dead look like now.
They look better than you because they're going to music festivals and they're at the gym and they're going to Anguila.
I steed an igloo.
Bring out your dead.
Bring them out.
Sit them in seats.
I'll entertain them.
I'll do a nice dance.
They won't even feel where the rat bit them.
They won't even feel where the rat bit them.
Peddling Negativity to Zombies 00:00:42
As always, folks, stay safe out there.
Love each other.
Love yourselves.
And remember, there's a lot of people peddling negativity, but I'm not one of them.
I believe in a bright future, not only for this planet, but this civilization.
I believe the best days are ahead.
I believe good things are going to happen.
And by that, I believe that an alien race will destroy us and enslave the rest of us.
And we'll all start again.
And that, my friends, is best
Export Selection