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Sept. 1, 2019 - The Tim Dillon Show
59:12
163: 163 - How To Be Popular
# trump jr tim dillon social strategy american vandal bobby kelly cardi b comedy critique high school archetypes identity formation juliani kelly catrone lepain michael richards mtv video music awards pete davidson popularity dynamics queen latifah saving private ryan sebastian maniscalco

Patreon link below for bonus episodes. Live from the deck, Tim shares his wisdom on how to gain popularity in school and rise the ranks in society, even though most of you are probably shot. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Time Text
Jokes About Being Triggered 00:10:46
Hi, welcome to Ashim, Gjenferd og Ånde Uttrivelse.
We're talking about a joke.
I think we've been looking at some people are trying to get out of the way.
Is there something that knows what it is?
No, not that I know.
But then Bridget Jones.
What?
Yeah, or...
You know, series, movies, documentaries, so many things.
All for many don't know that they have TV2Play in the way.
Or in TV-packing.
Check on TV2Play.no.
Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, cups, and candy wrappers.
Mmm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
Welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
I'm here with Devin Costa.
What's up, Tim?
We are on the porch, so you're all fucking happy now.
I know when we're not on the porch, everybody gets angry.
We just saw a clip of Sebastian Manascalco hosting the VMAs, the video music awards on MTV.
Yeah.
And that is an unwinnable, impossible.
It's an impossible position for a comedian to be in.
Sebastian's amazing.
He's one of the best comedians doing it right now.
He sold out the garden.
He's got like an attendance record.
It's amazing.
The guy's amazing.
But it's rough.
And he even said he was on like CBS morning show or whatever.
Going, this is not my demo.
Yeah, you're saying he's nervous.
He's like, I'm nervous.
It's not my demo.
And so he is a little bit of a rough.
Yeah.
It's a little rough.
He does a few jokes about people being triggered.
They don't like it.
He's not, he's, you know, he's an older guy.
Yeah.
They don't want a comedian in there.
No.
These people, they're 15-year-old kids.
If they wanted a comedian, it would have been like Pete Davidson.
That's the guy.
Right.
Somebody young, whatever.
You know, it was a weird choice.
Yeah.
It was like Bobby Kelly hosting the MTV music awards, you know.
Hey, dude.
You know what, dude?
The minute he starts bobbing, he just starts cursing out the crowd.
Yeah, hey, fuck you.
Okay.
Hey, dude, anybody else here fat?
Anyway, I love Bobby.
But I would have bombed everyone.
It would have been bad.
Yeah.
Would not have been good.
And Sebastian survived, but it was like, you know, you could almost see like the minute where I almost wished as a comic he had just gotten real confrontational.
Yeah.
And been like, hey, you know what?
Oh, you don't want to laugh?
How about fucking this?
How about I got paid already?
And I don't give a fuck if you laugh, okay?
Yeah.
And then just started going after people because people are smirking in the crowd.
Yeah, people are smirking.
He just starts calling people out in the crowd.
Hey, Queen Latifa, why don't you wipe that gorilla grin off your fat fucking face?
Queen Latifa, okay?
You're so happy.
What did you get?
A high score on freecreditreport.com.
What's going on?
Hey, Cardi B, does that stand for hepatitis B?
You're a dirty whore.
I already got paid, folks.
I don't give a fuck.
Hey, Sean Mendez is here.
We know you're gay.
Okay?
You keep hiding it.
Are you embarrassed?
You smoke more bone than a Texas pit master.
Just come out with it.
Hey, Lizzo's in the backstage putting her diabetic boots on, getting ready to perform for everybody.
Okay?
I know it's so empowering.
She's hooked up.
It's not that empowering when she's hooked up to five sleep apnea machines so she doesn't die in the middle of the night.
Okay.
I walked through a cloud of smoke.
My mom's cooking zucchini back there.
It's a good fucking joke.
That's what he opened with.
didn't get much.
Yeah.
I would just love if you just went at me.
Went at him.
Migos is here.
What the fuck is that?
That sounds like something I order in the restaurant that I'm embarrassed my wife took me to.
You know what I mean?
She always wants to go to these cultural ethnic spots.
Have you been to these places?
I would love it if you just went fucking hard.
Yeah.
It's just totally off-brand.
Just totally right at them.
You know, it would have been great.
Would have been super memorable.
It would have been absolutely.
Hey, Billy Ray Cyrus is here.
Hey, your daughter is a pansexual, bipolar, schizophrenic whore.
How about that?
Give it up for raising that MK Ultra victim.
When did you turn her over to the government?
Three?
Jesus.
Is she even sexy?
What is she doing?
She's humping the floor.
It's like she's got an autoimmune disease.
Aren't you embarrassed?
Little Nas X is here.
You're, hey, it's a reverse situation.
The black guy's dragging the white guy's corpse around.
Give it up for Billy Ray Cyrus.
You one-hit wonder.
You're living off your daughter and this black gay guy.
All right.
Anyway, let's get this show started.
You want to be triggered?
Yeah.
That would have been a better show.
I would have rathered that.
It would have been the greatest thing to ever happen, bro.
It would have been the greatest thing in the history of entertainment had he just gone out and torched the entire room and refused to get off stage.
What if he refused to get off stage?
No, I'm not done.
You could go to commercial and when you come back, I'll be standing right here.
But not just hatred that he's bobbing, like it's racist.
All these agendas.
He just goes out, you know?
He just starts going at it because that's what happens.
People don't realize, like, is Michael Richards a racist?
Probably.
But what that was really about is a guy who had been pushed to his wits end.
Yeah.
And sometimes you feel that way when you're bombing.
It is the horrible feeling, or when you're not doing well, and you just want to lash out at people and say the worst things possible to them to make them because they're already not laughing.
Right.
So it's like, let's make them upset.
Give them something.
Let's get them to feel something.
You know?
Yeah.
I mean, I would have loved to see that.
Great comedian.
Guy's amazing.
Weird gig.
That's a challenging gig.
I just called Andrew Schultz.
I was like, what do you do in that situation?
Schultz was like, maybe musical comedy works.
That's where you bring out the Jimmy Fallon dumb shit.
Right.
And you sing with Miss Piggy.
I will say, though, if you're a fan of this podcast and you listen to it, I predicted the future.
I said on the podcast last week, there will just be a big shaking ass that will just be what music is.
Like, why?
And Lizzo, who is insanely talented, but performed in front of just a big bulbous ass that shook in the background.
That literally happened a week after you said that.
Wild.
So, I mean, it's like we're manifesting shit on the show.
It's back to school.
I said I was going to do this episode for a very long time.
This is an episode that is for children, high school kids, kids in college, maybe.
It applies to everybody.
The rules and the laws of popularity are, What's the word I'm looking for here?
They apply to everybody.
Universal.
Correct.
Thank you.
They are universal.
Oh, what?
You never fucking stumbled on a word?
You never fucking, half of you can't even speak.
Half of you in this room got a 75 IQ.
Should I have used the bonics?
Yeah.
Hey, maybe little Ibonics.
Yo, yo.
Yo, yo.
It's going to be so hard to not do that for the whole episode.
We're going to try, but I'm really not making any promises.
Yeah.
It's hard to see something like that.
Eat than just talk about anything else.
As a comic, I'm like, man, it's a rough gig.
And man, I wish you went at them, which you can't do, but it would just be fun.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah, the laws of popularity are universal.
That being said, I've said it before.
If you're a loser in high school, you will be a loser for the rest of your life.
Even if you have lots of money and you succeed in a profession, you are going to internalize that in your entire life.
You will be a loser.
And I'm out here in LA.
I meet these people that are very successful, very rich, and have never fully made peace with that period in their lives.
It's an incredibly important period in your life.
And if you throw it away and you learn the wrong lessons from it, which most people do.
And I don't mean, listen, if you're like somebody who's trans and getting beaten up every day, I'm not saying it's your fault.
I'm saying that this advice is for people that are, you know, comfortable with themselves to the extent that they can play the game in a social arena.
If you are cutting yourself, if you are throwing up every day, if you are a drug addict, if your parents are molesting you, if you're living in a car, I get it.
I don't need the messages and the emails are, oh, was I supposed to be popular when my dad was fucking me?
I don't know.
Fuck them better.
But really, I don't mean throw your back into it.
But if it's happening anyway, nothing, not doing a good job never makes sense, no matter what job you're doing and for who.
Right.
Point being.
I don't need the emails.
I understand that there's a lot of people out there that are dealing with more important shit than being popular.
So they think.
But that's not the case.
Everybody, you know what time it is, baby.
You know what time it is.
It's time to talk about fucking.
It's that time.
I'm a party comic.
We're going to have a party.
We're partying.
That's what we're about.
Rules Of Social Manipulation 00:10:54
Fun in the sun.
Cancun.
Molly.
GHP.
Corona with Lyme.
Fucking in a pool.
Fucking on a beach.
Fucking in your penthouse apartment.
Fucking.
That's what this show's about.
It's what I'm about.
Okay.
That's why you pump that iron.
That's why I'm a keto kid.
I'm just doing keto.
I don't give a fuck.
I haven't had a carb in three days.
I punched a woman in the face today.
I will get strong enough to start punching men.
We'll start with women.
And that's what it is.
I don't give a fuck.
I'm training.
I'm tough.
I'm a professional fighter.
Three days on keto.
I have the heart of a lion.
I am a world champion, heavyweight world champion.
Many of you aren't our keto, and I wouldn't say anything negative about you other than, I mean, it's just like you're not men.
That's all.
You're not men.
You're not a male.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Big, sloppy, carb-laden vag.
Sjekk selv på tv2play.no veggen.
God påske.
What were you like in school?
Because I'm going to go into my story.
Yes, and that's an important archetype of person to be.
Yeah.
The fat, vicious kid.
The kid who's always on the verge of tears.
Yeah.
Always on the verge of a total full breakdown.
Yep.
And just attacking.
I know.
I've been this person for a decade.
Attacking left and right.
Right.
Just shredding people before they can shred you.
Preemptive war.
Yes.
Fight them there so we don't have to fight them here.
Yeah.
Yes.
That's an important fucking person to be.
Schools need those.
Those fuckers keep you on your toes because they have nothing to lose.
They go home, they jerk off.
They are sad.
They eat disgusting food.
They look at themselves and they want to die.
And that's the fucker that comes in.
Ben, go check that camera, make sure it's not fucking around.
That's the person who comes in and really fucking gives it to you.
Yeah.
He keeps everybody on their toes.
Even the popular kids will kind of keep him around.
Yeah.
Because usually he's a little more clever than they are.
He's a little bit more, he can kind of roll with the punches a little bit.
And they know that he's not a threat to them.
He's not fucking their chicks.
He's not cooler than them.
He's not catching the pass that they should on the field, whatever.
Okay.
Interesting.
When I started school, I was like in my shell, didn't talk to anyone.
We were still doing drugs.
Still had friends from my hometown.
Didn't care.
Didn't want to participate in Catholic high school.
Thought it was a waste of time.
I'm hanging out with crackheads in a crack house.
Who gives a fuck about you in your backyard and whatever?
I don't care about your sports team.
It was all a defense mechanism.
Right.
You know, and I sat alone in ninth grade with the other table of kids, and we all ate alone and didn't really speak to each other in ninth grade.
That's a tough thing because you're not a loser in a sense where you're not the biggest loser where people come up and maybe help you, even because they feel bad for you.
But you're enough of a loser to where you are sitting at a table with other people and you're not speaking.
You do not have any social 10th grade, I got a little better.
11th grade, I made a group of friends.
And then 12th grade, I got nominated for Homecoming King and I was very popular.
And it was a journey.
And there are rules and there are ways to behave.
And we're going to go through this.
This is very important for people out there that are listening.
And people say to me, Oh, things have changed now because of social media.
Yes and no.
Yes and no.
First rule: if you are not popular, it is your fault.
100%.
Excusing the people that I mentioned up top, the people getting fingered by grandpa.
Let's leave them out.
But if you are relatively stable and you can handle what's going on and you have regular teenage danks and whatever, if you are not connecting with people, bitch, it's on you.
You are not better and smarter than everybody else.
Maybe you are, but if you're smarter than everybody else, you can figure out a way to be their fucking friend.
If you can outsmart somebody, you can outsmart your way into their social fucking circle.
Right.
Manipulation.
Manipulation.
Currency manipulation.
Arbitrage, bitches.
Stop holding on to this, this loserdom.
Stop holding on to this.
You think that there's some value in being misunderstood, being some goth daria type bitch, whatever.
There is no value to that.
There is no value to holding on to these like, you know, these things that define you as a person if they're driving everyone away.
Right.
Okay.
A lot of times they're, and that doesn't mean that to be popular, you have to be a perfect person or you even have to be remarkably talented or good looking.
You don't.
You just have to figure out what you're good at and display it in an appropriate way.
So few things off the top.
Very general rules.
Know who the popular people are and you do already, but know who the very popular people are.
Know who are the A's and then know who are the B's.
Know who are the safeties.
Know who's in the scene, but really shouldn't be.
Know who's self-conscious about not bringing a lot to the table.
Know the people that are the third call to go to the party.
You're going to be their friend.
You're not going to the top of the heap first.
You're going to be friends with the person who doesn't really belong in the popular group, who doesn't really get like the fat, vicious kid.
You're going to befriend them.
You're going to befriend the hanger on.
Yeah.
The sporty, dykey chick who's good at sports, but is weird and somehow is at all the parties.
She'll have some of them at her house and everybody's like, oh, we love you, Jackie, but no one loves Jackie.
She looks like a horse.
But why is she?
There's always one girl in the popular crowd that looks like a horse.
She is a field hockey, fire-breathing dyke and doesn't know it yet.
Okay.
You get on her radar or you get on the radar of the kid who's rich but not cool.
Rich people, by the way, are never not cool.
They just haven't grown into who they are yet.
Rich people will always be cool.
They're cold and aloof because they're different.
But around junior year or senior year, they start driving their dad's BMW to school.
They start wearing nicer clothes.
They grow into themselves.
They grow into their wealth.
They start having parties at their house.
That house is on the water.
It's got acreage.
People are growing up and they're realizing that there's more than just catching a fucking football.
This kid's got a dope fucking life.
Be that guy's friend.
Figure a way into his circle.
Figure a way into horse face, fire-breathing dyke Jackie's circle.
Figure a way into the circle of somebody who doesn't belong in the group or somebody who's marginal.
You need a marginal figure in order to break in for the most part.
That's really the way you should be.
Here's the other thing.
Be hungry and not desperate.
Don't ever seem desperate.
Always seem like you have plans, but be hungry to go do things with people.
Be hungry because you want to be there.
Be hungry because it's important that you go out and that you're seen.
Don't be desperate.
Don't be clingy.
Let people call you.
Let them text you.
Don't be the person that's constantly driving it, driving it.
You know, it gets annoying to people.
Also, give people rides.
Be the first person with a car.
Huge.
That's huge.
Huge.
Be a person with a car.
Be a person with drugs.
Be a person with a gun.
Be a person with bullets.
Be a person.
Be a fucking person.
Be a person with a house where you can have a party.
Be a person with a cool backyard.
Take the initiative.
What are people lacking?
What does a popular group lack?
Is it a funny person?
What is it?
Be that.
Try to be that.
If you're good-looking, sell that.
If you're funny, sell that.
If you're completely bland, sell that.
People need bland.
Right.
Okay.
They need somebody to really not make any impressions and stand around.
You want to be that guy?
Be that fucking guy.
Okay.
Here's the other thing.
And this is the thing people aren't going to like.
I think we've been pretty non-controversial so far.
I'm on keto.
I'm a keto kid.
Brenda Chaba is supervising all of my meals.
I was denied a smoothie, but I was okay at my egg breakfast, which had gravla and spinach.
Don't fuck with me, folks.
Your loser friends got to go.
They got to go.
Tommy, who's been your friend forever, who shits himself, he's got to go because he's only your friend because you two also suck.
You got to go.
You got to move the fuck on.
It's over.
Level the fuck up.
Stop holding on to your old life, your old ideas, your old friends.
They suck and they want you to suck and they want you to die.
And they'll never be fucking happy for you if you start to do well.
The minute you go to a cool party or somebody likes you, they're going to fucking change.
And then they're going to tell you that you've changed.
You have changed, okay?
But not in a meaningful way.
You don't start treating them like shit or anything, but you're just not going to be relating to them as much because they want to complain about how bad everything and how much everyone sucks.
And then once people don't suck a little bit, it throws the dynamic off.
So they got to fucking go.
And it shouldn't be a long process.
They got to fucking go.
Okay.
It'll be awkward.
You know their parents.
It'll be awkward.
It's fine.
They got to go.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Never Be Fully Yourself 00:14:41
Hollywood writes popular culture.
Popular culture is written by losers.
So they fetishize losers and make them all into kings and queens.
And that they all graduate and go on and write plays and movies and sing songs and they all become fucking Fiona Apple.
No, they don't.
There's one Fiona Apple and the rest of you are eating cat litter on your floor.
You're eating your own vomit like a cat.
Okay.
You're not Fiona Apple.
You don't have you stop.
Cut it out.
You're not that person.
Okay.
So let's stop pretending.
But Hollywood will make you think you can be and they'll make you think that all those popular people they all hit a ceiling and they don't do it.
No, they're fine.
They're fine.
Law of averages.
Let's go by the numbers.
They're fine.
They become people like Logan Paul, George W. Bush, Cardi B, Donald Trump, and myself.
ICONS!
Det er herlig, herlig, men farlig, farlig.
Med årene har vi lært oss at det er viktig å smøre seg mye og ofte.
Derfor gir TV deg solfaktor rabatt.
Og jo høyere faktor, jo større rabatt.
Som testvinneren Dermafaktor 30 med 30 prosent rabatt.
Før 99, nå 69.
Og Dermafaktor 50 med 50 prosent rabatt.
Før 179, nå bare 89.
Bra for huden.
Bra for lovboka.
God påske fra oss i TV.
Now, and I don't smoke, and this podcast gives people the idea that I smoke because I smoke during the podcast to give me energy to tell the truth.
Right.
Yeah.
Marlborough lights.
They're not just for Asians, but Asians love them.
Asians love a light cigarette because they're responsible.
Now, know where you can get fucked up and act like a pig, and know where you have to be a person.
One of my best friends was named Joe Munster.
Joe Munster had the funnest house, and his parents are my good friends.
When I graduated school, I bought a house.
It was rapidly foreclosed on.
And I became a regular at several local gin mills in my town and began to the process of throwing my life away by becoming a degenerate alcoholic, a thief, a liar.
And his parents are two of my best friends.
I love them so much.
They're amazing fucking people.
His house was a house we could kind of let it all out, be wild, be crazy.
But if you went to my friend Maeve's house, her parents were rich.
So you have to, you have to behave.
Don't vomit all over the house with the nice carpet.
Do you know what I mean?
There are houses where you can let it all hang out.
And then there are houses and people where you have to be a little more guarded.
Don't always be 100% of yourself.
No one wants that.
No one needs that.
Know who wants what when.
I could go to my friend Joe's house at three in the morning, drunk, having just hit a car, asking to be hid from the police.
And his parents were not only happy to see me, they would provide me a meal.
Not everyone's like that.
Not everyone's like that when you're hiding in the attic because you just hit and ran someone.
Not everyone's going to come up with a bowl of seafood gumbo.
Many people are going to tell you to leave.
So you got to know where should I go.
You got to figure that out.
You know, did you have a friend or like a house where you could hang out and have fun and just go crazy and nobody would worry?
Yeah.
There was where we watched porn and you know, we knew we had a room that they never checked on us, the parents, and you could just wake up in the middle of the night and go make food in the kitchen, be loud.
Yes.
And they just could do whatever you want and no one would care.
And you would, you could just abuse people and they would abuse you.
And that's a beautiful fucking thing.
Yeah.
It really is.
It's a beautiful thing and it needs to happen.
You need to have those situations where you exchange abuse.
And then there are places where you have to look a little nicer, put it together.
Don't look like a slob.
You got to be able to kind of judge where you're at.
You got to pick your spots.
Got to pick your spots.
Mentally put on a suit and tie.
Absolutely.
a great way to say it.
Let's talk about some potential personalities for the kids.
Personality number one, you can choose barstool sports, which means that you're just a bro.
Yeah.
You're kind of racist, but not really.
You're just a bro.
You just want to watch sports, talk about sports, maybe get your dick sucked.
You don't really offer anything, but every now and then you have tender moments and you'll let your straight friend see your penis.
Or you'll let your gay friend who doesn't know he's gay yet see your dick.
That's important for whoever that kid is.
You can have tender moments, but you're you're a bro, but you have a big heart.
You like family.
You want people coming over to your house.
You want to go to their houses.
You like surrogate families.
Barstool sports.
Great personality.
Wear boat shoes, salmon shorts.
Boat shoes, salmon shorts.
The world thinks you're a rapist, but you're not.
You can barely pull your little wink out in front of a girl.
The world thinks you're running everything, but you're really not.
You're more scared than anybody else is out there.
But you cover it up with bravado and whatever.
It's barstool sports.
And that personality in your 30s is horrendous and many people still have it.
Saturdays are for the boys.
No, they're not for the boys.
They're for job interviews.
Clean your life up.
Save your life.
Okay.
Nothing's for the boys.
You're uploading this from your fucking mother's house.
Right.
Barstool sports.
Weed.
Next personality.
Weed.
You love weed.
You love skating.
You love snowboarding.
You're a weed person.
That's what you do.
Maybe you sell weed.
Maybe you know how to get the best weed.
That's what gets you into all the things because you just, you love weed.
Now you talk about that you're going to start your own weed startup and weed company and you love weed and that's all you talk about and you just smoke weed and it is what it is.
And you're a skinny kid.
You have a big dick and you love fettuccine Alfredo and you love weed.
That's it.
Just having weed on you will get you in so many circles.
You need to have weed on you all the time if weed is going to be your personality.
Your car always smells like weed.
You bake every single morning.
People bake with you.
They think it's funny.
They think you're a disaster, but they don't really tell you to your face.
They're scared for what's going to happen to you.
And you will destroy your life two years out of high school.
That being said, who gives a fuck?
We're only talking about those four golden years.
Exactly.
It'll get you into the good parties.
It'll be fun.
You're a bacon, egg, and cheese guy.
You like getting high.
It's 2 a.m. at Taco Belt.
You're a lot of fucking fun.
Maybe you're a gamer and everyone smokes weed and you're on Twitch and whatever.
Four people are giving you $3 and whatever.
It's fun.
It is what it is.
Okay.
Nazi gamer is the next personality.
You're a Nazi and a gamer.
You're a race realist.
You believe in the JQ.
You are hardcore red pill.
And I mean, you throw back the pills with abandoned.
You're into fitness because you're ready to fight a race war.
Your name online is like Nordic Warrior 1488 or something like that.
You know what I mean?
You're hardcore into it.
You know, all of this is because some chick wouldn't fuck you.
You decided to read 15 books about the shape of skulls because you couldn't get laid.
But that's a personality and stick to it.
Here's another personality.
Guy who talks about war crimes at a party.
That's the other side.
Black block.
You want to be an antipho, but you don't know where they meet up.
You wear black all the time.
You want to just throw a rock at a proud boy, but you can't find one because you live in a fucking New England town and everybody kind of agrees with you.
In fact, you hate neoliberals more than anything.
You rail against centrists and boomers and everybody that fucked the whole world up, even though you'd fuck it up too if you had any fucking goddamn chance at it, which you probably won't because thankfully climate change will ravage the earth before you get a chance to show what a fucking incompetent pussy you really are.
It's the other side of Nazi gamer.
You're actually friends with a Nazi gamer, even though you don't really like each other.
You think you're the other one's abhorrent, but you would probably like to fuck hardcore one day and it might happen.
Who knows?
But you both are not too good with women.
You're just the other side of it.
You bury yourself in books or whatever.
Some people are impressed by your knowledge and the fact that you use big words, but it's all concealing that you have roiling rage and inner turmoil inside because your mother's never looked at you the way she's looked at wine.
Another personality, missing person.
Missing person is the type of personality you cannot go to school a lot.
When you go to school, you have to sit absolutely silently in the back of the room.
And in the middle of a class, you just start screaming.
Then you run out and you disappear for two weeks.
Then you're back.
Then you're gone.
Then you're back.
Then you're gone.
Nobody knows where you are.
Is the state taking control of you?
Nobody knows, but you're all over the place and you're nowhere.
Are you a runaway?
Did you escape from a pedophile cult?
Are you trying to get into a pedophile cult?
You're a missing person.
Nobody knows your deal and you can't let them because you're bland and nobody gives a shit, but you disguise it by being this kind of chaotic ball of crazy missing person.
Fat girl with a clean car.
We've gone through this.
You're fat, but you have a tight ponytail.
You have an immaculate car.
You drive everyone to every party.
You say very little.
You love smoking a lot of weed and you never eat in front of people, but at the end of the night, you go park your car and you deep throat an entire fucking pizza.
You are the fat girl with the clean car.
You are a fucking American legend.
Okay.
You do not say much.
You do not talk.
You are there to be, you're a bus driver, essentially.
You have a car.
It's usually a mid-sized SUV, little truck, things like that.
Could be a little coupe, but whatever.
You'll pack four or five thin people into it.
Doesn't matter.
You always stay sober enough to drive.
That's what you bring to the table.
Don't start getting fucked up now.
And if you get too fucked up to drive, you have to let somebody else drive your car.
And it doesn't matter whether they have a license or not.
You are the fat girl with the clean car.
You're here to save the fucking day.
Okay.
But don't ever have an opinion or say anything.
It'll be greeted with weirdness.
You speak in three to four word things, usually about traffic.
Oh, there's a fucking accident here.
Then you're done for the night.
Then you're done for the night.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Don't provide too much.
Fat girl with the clean car.
Insanely gay person.
You are insanely gay.
You are the gayest person ever.
You are made of literal cum.
You are gay and you want everyone to know you're gay and you'll suck them off.
You're going to fuck a lot of hot straight guys doing this.
Okay.
You're a lot better looking than me.
You have a six-pack.
You're a dancer and you can fuck a lot of straight guys in the bathroom when they're not looking.
You're part of the theater crew, but not really because you really want to suck off a football player because who wants to fuck another fucking guy that you've been dancing around with all day?
So you're the insanely gay person.
You put it out there and the football guys, they're kind of disgusted by you, but some of them, you know, if their girlfriend wasn't around and if it was late enough at night would probably let you swallow their hog, you know?
And it's very important that you be, you're an insanely gay person, obnoxiously gay, over the top.
You've got 15 pride flags on you at all times.
You're throwing them at people.
You're the insanely gay person.
White guy who wants to be black or who thinks he is black.
If you come from the Northeast, these are Jews who think they're Italian, who want to be black.
You say things like, yo, man, and son, and somehow you get away with it.
You hang out with the black kids, but then you also hang out with the white kids every now and then.
You've been accepted.
You're usually rich.
You love black culture.
You love rap music.
You love everything black.
You look at your own skin and you wish you could fucking take a fucking potato peeler and just skin yourself every night and wake up and be a glorious Nubian God, but you can't.
It's not what it is.
You don't have that big black dick.
You've got a, you know, respectable Jewish pecker, but you love black people.
That's the way it is.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
I mean, should you be more comfortable in your own skin?
Perhaps I'm not here to judge.
That's your personality.
Stick to it.
Okay.
That's who you're going to be.
Yeah.
That's a common one.
That's a common one.
And it does very well.
You know?
It does very well.
Whore who fights.
You're a whore and you're always fighting.
You have two best friends and you fight them every day.
Physically, over the phone.
You're just fighting or fucking.
You exist in one of two states, fighting or fucking.
You're either fucking three guys at a party or you're fighting six girls in a park.
Either way, that's who you are.
Your drama, you bring it to the table.
You wish you were Puerto Rican, but you're just Italian.
You know?
You want to be one of those city tough girls, but you're not.
Okay.
You had some weird shit with your uncle early on.
You didn't process that.
So you just want to fight everybody you see.
You've punched your boyfriend in the face and then had the best sex afterwards when you choked the shit out of each other.
You've probably fucked a teacher.
And if not, you should.
You posted an ad on back page here or there.
Yeah.
You're 17, but you're on seeking arrangements.
And if a few businessmen want to buy you some dinner and throw you some money for shoes, who the fuck are you to judge?
It doesn't matter.
You're a fighter and you're a fucker.
That's what you are.
Maybe your name's like Angela or something.
You like to throw the fuck down.
What did you say to me?
You're always ready to fight.
Anything so people don't get inside of you and see who you really are, which is a scared little girl, a scared and traumatized little girl.
But you're not going to be Billie Eilish and have a bunch of candles lit and go and make millions of dollars.
You're going to fight or you're going to fuck.
That's who you are.
Do Shit You Regret 00:16:01
Yeah.
Fat girl who doesn't know she's fat.
This is big.
You have no idea you're fat.
You hang out with all the popular girls.
You wonder why their boyfriends aren't fucking you.
You're genuinely stunt.
You're perplexed that you are not getting more play.
You have no idea why this is happening.
You're fun.
You kid around with everybody.
Everybody loves you.
You like to, you're everybody's little sister.
Somebody fucks you once when they're really loaded and you make it out to be more than it really is.
You don't know that you're a chubbo, but you kind of own it.
And then you also kind of don't own it.
And then when it comes to prom, you really try to doll it up.
Those girls really go crazy at prom because they think one dress is going to cover up what they've been doing for the last fucking four years.
You know?
Yeah.
The fat girl has no idea she's fat.
The fat guy who talks about pussy all the time, but never gets it and wouldn't know what to do if he did get it.
You're a fat guy and you just want to fuck chicks.
Your best friends are hot guys that fuck girls all the time.
You're on the football team.
You're decent at it, but nobody wants to touch you.
You're very angry.
You drink all the time.
You love fighting because it's a way that you can show that you have some value on this fucking planet.
Nobody really calls you to hang out, but they like having you around when it's a big party because you're just a big lug.
You're hammered and all you care about is pussy.
You'll be like, any fucking pussy there?
You'll pretend and not want to go someplace if somebody calls you like, oh, any girls there?
But you don't give a shit.
You know, if there were girls there, they're not fucking taking your dick out of your fucking dough body pants.
It's not going to happen.
But you tell everybody, hey, I just want to make sure there's enough bitches there before I show up.
Fuck you.
But that's an important archetype of person.
Kid whose mother's a teacher, who's kind of a goodie two-shoes, but lets it all out with one party or two parties, and he vomits the whole time because this is the first time.
It's usually senior year.
He's letting himself loose, and he's got a girlfriend.
He'll keep her for four years.
He kind of goes to the popular parties for 15 minutes.
Nobody remembers him.
Maybe he's class president.
Maybe he's in the student government.
Maybe he's somebody like that, whatever.
And every now and then, he'll get really, really hammered and vomit all over the place.
But he knows he's an establishment guy.
He's a fallon.
He's a whatever.
He's got the right opinions in the right package, you know?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know?
Talks with a teacher after class a lot.
Yes.
Yeah.
Lesbian who works a lot of jobs and lets everyone know how hard she works.
Could be a catering hall, could be a restaurant, but she's always working and she's always working.
And she wants everyone to know how hard she worked and how much responsibility her job gives her.
It's a great way to not take stock of where she is in the whole social fabric of everything.
Usually it's a lesbian and she's working.
She's been working since she's four years old.
She'll claim that she's managing some thing or whatever.
This is these are the personalities, some of the personalities.
There's an innumerable amount of personalities.
There's not an innumerable amount of genders.
Although that's not a bad idea if you're a bland white chick, you can just dye your hair green and you say, I'm they, them.
My new name is, you know, Astrid or whatever.
You know, you look, look up some constellation, name yourself after that.
You're now a new person.
And, you know...
Here's the other thing.
So now let's go back to some actual specifics.
Don't trust.
There's a few people you should never trust.
Never trust the popular girl who's in theater.
This girl has divided loyalties.
She really wants to be popular, but she thinks she's an actress.
What she really is, is mentally ill.
People like that will pretend to be your friend because they fancy themselves to be humanitarians and they like to befriend losers and put them in their pocket.
But when it matters, they'll never have your back.
They don't really like you.
And they're always going to choose the popular people because they're not fucking stupid.
So any popular chick, if you're a popular chick, you should be a bitch and you should walk around like a bitch.
Own it.
Like if you're a rich person, be rich.
Don't go to open mics.
Don't be, you know, be what you are.
So don't trust that person.
That's a person you have to watch out for.
The person with divided loyalties.
And a lot of times it's the girl who's popular, but like, oh, don't make fun of this kid.
And then she'll befriend you.
A little too nice to the disenfranchised.
Yeah, a little too nice to the disenfranchised.
She thinks that, you know, you are in love with her probably, or you like that she's going to, you know, one day she's going to bring you to all the cool places or whatever.
None of that's ever going to fucking happen.
Okay.
So don't trust her.
She has divided loyalty.
She's, it's duality.
She split herself into two people.
Okay.
The popular girl and then the girl that feels secretly a little insecure around that group and she wants to be better than them and she thinks she can do it by being a third-rate member of the theater group.
Okay.
Yeah.
So this is, these are people to watch out for, kids.
I hope this is helpful to many of you out there.
I mean, many of you are irredeemable losers and can't be helped, but I'm trying to help you.
I'm doing my best to help you, you know?
What else?
Because there are some, there are some other important things.
Spend your summers getting ready to be the person you want to be when you get back into school.
Get in shape.
Be the fat kid who comes back hot.
Be the goody two-shoes who comes back a drug dealer.
Be the kid that wasn't serious about school who comes back getting all A's.
Change.
People love a drastic.
They love a drastic change.
That was me.
I changed.
You know, people love change.
I became outgoing and funny and I lost weight and I looked better and all of that shit matters.
They love a drastic change.
Allow the summer to be the place that you change and you become something else.
If your parents are rich, use that money.
If your parents are animals, use that.
Allow people to come and have parties at your house and absolutely destroy it.
Light it on fire.
It doesn't matter.
Hey, you don't like these jokes?
Here's what you can do.
If you don't like these fucking jokes, you can take them and shove it up your ass, but you fucking degenerates would love that, don't you?
You would love a fucking couple of things up your ass, you free love freaks.
Sex.
Don't get too into it unless you really know what you're doing.
Don't be super weird about it.
You don't need to be fucking all the time.
It's more about friendship than not.
If you have a girlfriend, that's fine.
You should be hooking up with people and whatever, but don't force that aspect.
Don't become obsessed with it.
Don't become crazy.
You know, don't become the guy that's obsessed with getting laid and then you never do.
You know?
Don't become the girl that uses sex as a weapon unless you know what you're fucking doing.
You can really use it as a weapon.
You start blackmailing people.
You know?
Have a healthy relationship with your family, but don't be too like get other families, get surrogate families, go on vacations with people, be independent.
Start this young.
Go on summer vacation.
If families are taking you on vacations, it means they really like you and love you.
That's very important.
You're like a young socialite.
Yes, be a young socialite.
Get out of your comfort zone.
Do shit you wouldn't necessarily think of yourself doing.
Challenge yourself.
That movie eighth grade with Bo Burnham is a decent movie.
It's not a bad movie.
Bo Burnham's a genius.
I don't know him, but he is a genius.
I don't love some of like, he does this one thing where he's like, I'm an artist.
And he's singing this thing and he's like, I'm an artist.
We shouldn't be here.
We should be feeding families.
It's like, that's not how it works.
No one made the decision to not feed a family to come see this comedy show.
That's not the way the economy works.
It has structural problems.
That's not it.
Just go be a genius.
ShylaBuff, just go be a genius.
I don't want to hear from you.
I don't want to hear a podcast.
Just make a brilliant thing and I'm all on board for it.
We're all going to go and gray.
Okay.
And that movie eighth grade is good because it's a girl that feels that she's not in and then she goes to this party that she got invited to that she feels weird about.
Be that person.
And then she wants to be with the kid that's good looking, but she ends up being with the goofball kid, you know?
Because the kid that's good looking kind of a dick and asks her to blow him.
Don't don't bully people.
Don't shit on people.
If you're going to be funny, never build your act around another kid.
They could transfer.
They could kill themselves and you got to build from zero.
Don't be cruel.
You should never be cruel.
In my yearbook, which I should have gotten out and read the things people wrote about me, they're like, you never made fun of anybody, but you're fucking hilarious.
Punch up.
Not in my world.
Comedy, I should be able to punch wherever.
But in high school, punch up.
Make fun of teachers.
You know, impersonate teachers.
Get good impressions.
Make fun of the, but also be friends with teachers.
Be cool.
Be able to be late.
Know how to do it.
Know when you can joke around and when you can't.
That's the other thing.
A lot of people in that quote unquote popular group are very insecure and threatened.
So know when you can shit on them and know when you can joke around with them and know when you can.
Know what you can say when you can say it.
Read them.
Look at people and read them.
What do you want from them?
And what do they want from you?
There's nothing wrong with analyzing that dynamic of relationships.
It doesn't make you a sociopath.
It makes you aware.
Know what things to bring up to the teacher that you know the teacher will then talk about forever and then class.
You don't have to do any work.
And then all the kids will like you because you keep bringing up something and distracting them.
100%.
Know what you can do in a class to get some attention.
There was a moment in Spanish class where I never knew what the word meant because I didn't care.
But we're in America, speak English.
But we would go and she goes, what is halada?
And halado ironically means ice cream.
And I should have known that.
But I didn't know that it meant ice cream.
So I just said, a little pudding.
And it was very funny.
I said, a little pudding.
And it killed.
And she went, no.
And she laughed, though.
She laughed.
And it was okay.
If you're funny, it'll all be okay.
Not at my age, not at 34.
It's going to be hell.
It's going to end so bad.
I can't even describe to the end.
It'll be so bad.
My landlord just texted me if the bugs in my room have been fixed.
I'm going to have to stay somewhere because the bugs are apparently, they've went insane.
Juliani and Trump Jr. were at the stand tonight.
Oh, wow.
I should have went.
You know what, folks?
I'm where I need to be in fucking Holly.
Bitch, I'm in Hollywood.
People tell me, oh, you missed out.
Oh, did I?
I'm in Hollywood.
Have you heard of it?
I have a meeting tomorrow with LePain.
How do you pronounce quotidian?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
With the guy who did American Vandal.
We're going to sit there and stare at each other and eat, you know, fast food smoked salmon or whatever the place that place shoves out.
It's important.
It's important to be popular, man.
It's important to be cool.
It's important to have people like you.
Be fun, be cool, you know, drink or smoke or don't or be whatever, but just be the person that people want to be around.
Just fill in the blanks.
Fill in the blanks is a great way to say it, Dev.
And it's a great fucking way to say it.
Fill in the blanks.
Don't hold on to the old conception of who you are.
Being a loser doesn't make you special or interesting.
Everybody's a loser.
Trust me, I know.
I'm surrounded by lots of them.
Many of them have millions and millions of dollars.
Okay.
Money and real estate don't fix the fact that you suck.
Oscars and Emmys won't fix the fact that you suck.
Sometimes you just fucking suck.
And the people that suck always know they fucking suck.
Doesn't matter how much money they have.
That's why they're always killing themselves.
How long have we done, Ben?
45.
We're going to wrap this up pretty soon because we've got to do some ads.
And this is a pretty intense episode.
And I think a lot of people have learned a lot.
And maybe there are people that are confused.
And maybe the message wasn't for you.
That was a pretty good list.
I think it was a great list.
And I think there were some great strategies.
This is how to do it.
This is how to make it happen.
Go in there with a goal.
Be like, I don't want to be a loser.
I want to be cool.
What's an attainable friend?
How do I step on his head to get to that person?
Whose shoulders can I stand on to get to where I need to go?
There's nothing wrong with that.
Okay.
Did your loser friends?
It's over.
It doesn't matter.
But I've been friends with Billy.
Shut up.
Bring them with you.
And if you can't, you can.
And by the way, go places alone.
Go to parties alone.
Hang out places alone.
It'll endear you to people.
People will be forced.
You'll be forced to go and talk to people.
Be alone.
Be confident.
Maybe go with one other person.
You know who's a great person to go with?
The fat girl with the clean car because she'll never outshine you.
Yeah.
Okay.
She might not even come into the party.
She'll come into the party.
She'll stand in the backyard and smoke cigarettes and then wait.
And you'll get in that beautiful car and it'll always smell so nice, like a cherry air freshener or something, the ocean breeze or something.
Don't go and hang out.
Don't bring a crew.
You can't elevate a crew.
You can elevate yourself.
You cannot elevate a crew.
Elevate yourself and then bring the crew with you.
It's the way it is.
It's the way it fuck it is, man.
And that's it.
I mean, there's not too much else.
I mean, the reality of the situation is this.
Most of you will fail.
I'm like talking to the troops at D-Day now.
Most of you are going to the beach.
Some of you are going to get shot in the head while you're still on the boat.
Remember that scene?
Saving Private Ryan?
You're shot in the head before you're out of the boat.
You don't even touch the beach.
You don't even feel the glory of war.
You're just dead.
You're a flag on someone's fucking mantle.
You're a picture in a picture frame in a house that nobody even goes in.
Some old lady stares at you and goes, What's that, Jimmy?
No one cares.
You're a ghost.
Most of you will be ghosts.
And most of you, you know, at that point, what else do you really have?
There's nothing wrong with that.
I know so many people that should have been killed in Iraq.
They never were in the military, but I look at them and I say, you should have died for the country.
You should have died a hero.
You should have died a hero.
But for some of you, for a small percentage of you, for the ones that are in the game, for those that have a chance, for the fighters, the people that can make it, join a team.
Becoming A Social Ghost 00:06:20
I joined the swim team.
It was hilarious.
I was a good swimmer.
Yeah.
One of my friends said to me once, he goes, you smoke three cigarettes on the way to this practice.
I said, yeah.
He goes, I read you like a book.
It was a funny moment.
We no longer speak.
The point is this.
Immediately after you leave high school, none of these people matter and you'll never see them again.
Don't try to hold on to friendships with them.
It's embarrassing.
They're people to practice on.
You practice figuring shit out on these people that are temporary in your life.
You've had some brilliant insights here.
You really have.
You've done, I'm telling you, done very well here.
They are people to practice on.
There will be a moment.
This is profound.
It's so profound.
The whole episode is very profound.
I just hope it's reaching people that it can help.
And if this did help you, please tell me.
And, you know, especially if you're a kiddo, like a high school kid or college kid, it would be really, it would be great to me.
I don't know that I reached many young people.
I was recently in Raleigh and my friends like, I bet a bunch of college kids will come out.
And I said, I bet they won't.
My audience are people like myself that are shot.
You know?
Yeah.
It's the way it is.
I'm connecting with people who not only feel like the end is coming, but welcome it with open arms.
They welcome the end of this human experiment like a puppy at Christmas.
Now, there'll be a moment when you go Thanksgiving Eve.
You'll come back from college.
Maybe you'll go to college or maybe like me, you'll be a man and you'll sell.
I was a mortgage man.
You'll come back Thanksgiving Eve and maybe it doesn't happen the first year, but usually it's not too soon after that.
It's the second year.
You'll be standing there and it'll be Thanksgiving Eve and you'll realize that something's off, something is wrong, something doesn't make any sense.
And it's nothing that you're doing and it's nothing that anyone else is doing.
The reality is it's like that shitty movie Stephen King made, The Langualiers.
I think it was a TV movie.
They keep, they go through some time warp and they land in like LA, but it's like a few minutes before when it's supposed to be.
And everything looks the same, except nothing is an echo and the food tastes weird.
And it's like, it's the same, but different.
And they realize that the thing that explains that is time.
Time is profound.
Time moves things.
So you'll be some bar and you'll be looking at all these people and you'll go, oh, fuck.
I'm not supposed to be here anymore.
I'm in the wrong time.
I'm in the wrong dimension, whatever.
Like Jess Reid's going to be talking about dimensions.
But you'll realize that.
And then it will be time to move on.
It'll be time to move on and get a new group of people.
And this is what happens.
And this will probably happen throughout your life to an extent until you find people you really love and appreciate, you know?
Until you find your close family, your friends, your business people, the people that whatever, until you find them, you're going to keep having that moment when you look at a group of people and go, fuck, I'm done.
If you're going somewhere, there's some people that have the same friends for their entire life, the same four or five friends.
That's very charming.
That's not going to be the experience of anybody that wants to truly make anything happen.
If you truly make anything happen, you're going to have this time.
And it's Thanksgiving Eve is a great way to explain it, but it'll happen over and over again when you look at a group of people that you were enamored with, you love, but no longer really excite you.
And you're no longer excited to be where you are.
And then you have to pick yourself up and go somewhere else.
And I can't tell you when that's going to be, but if you ignore that feeling, if you stuff it down, if you shove it down and you stay, you become a loser.
That's how you become a loser.
That's how you become a failure.
Okay.
And that's the reality.
So when you have that excited feeling about something you're doing or the people you're with, you're moving in the right direction.
And when you look at everyone else and you go, well, they're not doing anything wrong.
And I'm not doing anything wrong.
And, but it's just not working anymore.
And that excitement and that energy has died.
You have to, you know, Kelly Catrone, just whatever.
She was, she was on the hills at dumb show.
She was a fashion PR in New York City.
Forget her.
The point is, she had some, some fucking quote that I'm sure she stole from someone, but she said, if you're the, in New York, if you're the coolest person at the party, it's time to leave.
I believe that to be the case.
I'd rather be the loser at a table of people that have a lot more than me.
Those are the people you're going to learn from.
That's what's going to be interesting.
If you're the coolest person, if you're the most accomplished person, you try to get to that other table where there are people, because that's what makes life exciting, you know?
And it starts in high school.
And many of you, like I said, man, you're the damned.
And I'll quote this again.
And people go, can you go through a podcast without quote?
No, you shut up.
I like this quote.
Okay.
I don't know where it's from.
It's from a play, but I don't know what they're referencing.
I think it's Greek mythology.
Many of you, if you stuff that feeling down that you shouldn't be somewhere and you stay, you will become like one of these people wandering the earth, not able to get into heaven or hell, awaiting the ferryman to take you to where you need to go.
And if you answer that call and you know what you're doing and you feel like you're always ready to conquer the next thing, fucking, you might be Donald Trump.
TimDylancomedy.com for dates.
Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-O-N on Twitter and Instagram.
Please follow us there.
Please subscribe to the podcast.
Rate, review, share the clips on Instagram and Twitter and everything.
Facebook's a graveyard, but whatever.
We need some boomers.
Devin, where can they find you?
Youtube.com slash Devin Costa, D-V-A-N-C-O-S-T-A, podcast on Apple Podcasts.
Hate that you love it with Devin Costa.
The Epstein Plane Call 00:00:25
And then Sebastian, he looks out and he just fucking takes the mic, he wraps it around his head like he's hanging himself.
And he goes, hey, I'm doing an Epstein.
You guys all know Epstein because you're all on his plane.
Fucking kids.
You all fuck kids.
And then he drops the mic and he walks out because fuck those people.
Yeah.
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