March 17, 2015 - Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin
05:15
| 
| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| So recently you may have heard that Vladimir Putin went missing and there was a lot of contention as to why he had gone missing. | |
| My bet was on that he had gone on some sort of, I don't know, 10 day long hunting trip through Siberia strangling bears with his bare hands. | |
| When people started to notice and they started to ask the Kremlin, Russian officials tried to trick the public by passing off old photos as new photos. | |
| People didn't buy this of course and the hashtags where is Putin and Putin is dead started doing the rounds on Twitter. | |
| And apparently someone left a large funeral wreath at the gates of the Russian embassy with handwritten message addressed to Putin apparently telling him thank you for croaking. | |
| I'm actually really impressed with this funeral wreath. | |
| It looks really nice. | |
| Note the Ukrainian flag colours used in it. | |
| In addition to declaring Putin dead they also declared him Hitler. | |
| Koff cough Ukraine. | |
| Um I guess it takes one to know one. | |
| Jesus John McCain, what are you doing with that guy? | |
| Oh well that explains everything. | |
| Anyway back in Moscow Putin's status was upgraded from death to absolutely hunky dory with the general public settling for somewhere in the middle with gravely ill. | |
| And this was despite the assurances of Putin's spokesperson who said that his grip was strong enough to break hands. | |
| Which certainly sounds like the dear old Putin we all know and love. | |
| After all Putin is remarkably fit and healthy for a man in his 60s. | |
| The problem is that we know that the Kremlin lied about his whereabouts at least on International Women's Day because the photos that were published were taken three days earlier. | |
| Needless to say the rumour mill kicked into Overdrive. | |
| One tabloid speculation was that Putin was in Switzerland for the birth of his love child with an Olympian athlete half his age. | |
| Maybe he went missing so he could go and have plastic surgery. | |
| Or maybe he was overthrown in a revolution. | |
| As there were apparently signs of a coup. | |
| There had apparently been a great deal of army movement around the Kremlin, which indicates a change in government or an attempt at a change in government is being carried out. | |
| And there were plenty of people who could have been orchestrating this coup. | |
| It could have been branches of factions of the army, or it could have been wealthy businessmen, it could have been anyone. | |
| It could even have been his own security, according to the chairman of the pro-Kremlin National Islamic Committee. | |
| And the fact that the Kremlin was on fire just fueled these rumours even further. | |
| Except it wasn't actually the Kremlin that was on fire. | |
| It was actually a historic monument called the Novodovichy Convent, which is in Moscow near the Kremlin and had caught fire for reasons unknown. | |
| and lo and behold, after a 10-day absence, Putin turns up and chastises everyone for listening to salacious internet gossip. | |
| I don't speak Russian, so I've no idea what he's saying, but just looking at him, it looks like he's a bit peaky. | |
| a bit peaky. | |
| I'm guessing that he was probably ill. | |
| Or he's been replaced with a lizard alien of some kind whose primary purpose is to come back and initiate World War III to enable the colonization of the earth by the reptilians. | |
| There's some people you need to unite peacefully out of love for each other and the common cause of survival. | |
| You don't fight for freedom, you unite peacefully for it. | |
| Look at that. | |
| His eyes just change color. | |
| inescapable. | |
| See my videos of the president. | |
| I've got hundreds of these guys. | |
| You need to look at your brain jar, people. | |
| You got a reptilian core to your brain and go bring up all the photos of you that you have existing photos and zoom in on the eyes. | |
| You'll see everybody's got one snake-slit eye. | |
| It's that we're all slave class reptilians, people. | |
| I met it, we're tatters, and tattoos, so data. | |
| You don't have fun, there's no warning for the holder. | |
| I like you walking terrorists on here, a sadder. | |
| I punch you a hand to get a saving. |
Export Selection