Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin - Where in the World is Vladimir Putin？
Aired: 2015-03-17
Duration: 05:15


=== Putin's Disappearance Mystery (04:15) ===

[00:00:00]  So recently you may have heard that Vladimir Putin went missing and there was a lot of contention as to why he had gone missing.
[00:00:06]  My bet was on that he had gone on some sort of, I don't know, 10 day long hunting trip through Siberia strangling bears with his bare hands.
[00:00:16]  When people started to notice and they started to ask the Kremlin, Russian officials tried to trick the public by passing off old photos as new photos.
[00:00:26]  People didn't buy this of course and the hashtags where is Putin and Putin is dead started doing the rounds on Twitter.
[00:00:34]  And apparently someone left a large funeral wreath at the gates of the Russian embassy with handwritten message addressed to Putin apparently telling him thank you for croaking.
[00:00:45]  I'm actually really impressed with this funeral wreath.
[00:00:48]  It looks really nice.
[00:00:49]  Note the Ukrainian flag colours used in it.
[00:00:52]  In addition to declaring Putin dead they also declared him Hitler.
[00:00:56]  Koff cough Ukraine.
[00:00:57]  Um I guess it takes one to know one.
[00:01:00]  Jesus John McCain, what are you doing with that guy?
[00:01:03]  Oh well that explains everything.
[00:01:05]  Anyway back in Moscow Putin's status was upgraded from death to absolutely hunky dory with the general public settling for somewhere in the middle with gravely ill.
[00:01:16]  And this was despite the assurances of Putin's spokesperson who said that his grip was strong enough to break hands.
[00:01:22]  Which certainly sounds like the dear old Putin we all know and love.
[00:01:26]  After all Putin is remarkably fit and healthy for a man in his 60s.
[00:01:31]  The problem is that we know that the Kremlin lied about his whereabouts at least on International Women's Day because the photos that were published were taken three days earlier.
[00:01:40]  Needless to say the rumour mill kicked into Overdrive.
[00:01:43]  One tabloid speculation was that Putin was in Switzerland for the birth of his love child with an Olympian athlete half his age.
[00:01:51]  Maybe he went missing so he could go and have plastic surgery.
[00:01:54]  Or maybe he was overthrown in a revolution.
[00:01:57]  As there were apparently signs of a coup.
[00:01:59]  There had apparently been a great deal of army movement around the Kremlin, which indicates a change in government or an attempt at a change in government is being carried out.
[00:02:08]  And there were plenty of people who could have been orchestrating this coup.
[00:02:11]  It could have been branches of factions of the army, or it could have been wealthy businessmen, it could have been anyone.
[00:02:16]  It could even have been his own security, according to the chairman of the pro-Kremlin National Islamic Committee.
[00:02:25]  And the fact that the Kremlin was on fire just fueled these rumours even further.
[00:02:31]  Except it wasn't actually the Kremlin that was on fire.
[00:02:34]  It was actually a historic monument called the Novodovichy Convent, which is in Moscow near the Kremlin and had caught fire for reasons unknown.
[00:02:43]  and lo and behold, after a 10-day absence, Putin turns up and chastises everyone for listening to salacious internet gossip.
[00:03:22]  I don't speak Russian, so I've no idea what he's saying, but just looking at him, it looks like he's a bit peaky.
[00:03:28]  a bit peaky.
[00:03:29]  I'm guessing that he was probably ill.
[00:03:32]  Or he's been replaced with a lizard alien of some kind whose primary purpose is to come back and initiate World War III to enable the colonization of the earth by the reptilians.
[00:03:43]  There's some people you need to unite peacefully out of love for each other and the common cause of survival.
[00:03:48]  You don't fight for freedom, you unite peacefully for it.
[00:03:54]  Look at that.
[00:03:55]  His eyes just change color.
[00:03:57]  inescapable.

=== Brain Jar Revelation (01:15) ===

[00:04:10]  See my videos of the president.
[00:04:13]  I've got hundreds of these guys.
[00:04:16]  You need to look at your brain jar, people.
[00:04:18]  You got a reptilian core to your brain and go bring up all the photos of you that you have existing photos and zoom in on the eyes.
[00:04:25]  You'll see everybody's got one snake-slit eye.
[00:04:28]  It's that we're all slave class reptilians, people.
[00:05:00]  I met it, we're tatters, and tattoos, so data.
[00:05:02]  You don't have fun, there's no warning for the holder.
[00:05:10]  I like you walking terrorists on here, a sadder.
[00:05:12]  I punch you a hand to get a saving.