March 19, 2015 - Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin
05:34
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| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| Hello, are you an aspiring game journalist or are you already a game journalist? | |
| You probably don't look like this. | |
| You probably look like this and you've probably heard those pesky kids asking for something you've heard called objective game reviews. | |
| Now, I know what you're thinking. | |
| Objectivity, I just, I don't know how that works. | |
| Yes, you can apparently still call yourself a journalist and still be opposed to the concept of objectivity. | |
| That is how magical games journalism is. | |
| Now, I know what you're thinking again. | |
| Hey, I went to Anita Sarkesian's latest teleseminar. | |
| And after taking that teleseminar a lot more seriously than she did, I've decided I hate my audience. | |
| In fact, I think that games enthusiasts are actually the problem with gaming. | |
| I hate my audience so much. | |
| I have actually written a manifesto, a guide to ending gamers, if you will. | |
| I, as a game journalist, will recommend that people do things other than playing games. | |
| Because if I've got to be honest, having fun isn't really very high on my list of priorities. | |
| You know, for my video games. | |
| In fact, if video game developers could oblige me by making shorter games so I didn't have to spend so long playing them, that would be wonderful. | |
| And that's even assuming if I can even be bothered to give this video game their time of fucking day. | |
| I do get kind of bored dealing with them all day every day. | |
| This is why I spend so much money supporting those critics who are demanding death to video games. | |
| Hell, I even bought the t-shirt. | |
| You know, we've been doing this so long that we're wondering, have we already killed video games? | |
| Because let's be fair, if there was one medium that deserved it, it was video games, wasn't it? | |
| I mean, they were just awful. | |
| Absolutely awful. | |
| So naturally, you as a video game journalist really can't understand it when the plebs are getting their pitchforks and rallying for ethics in their industry and objective standards for their reviews. | |
| You just, you can't understand it. | |
| And I understand why. | |
| You lack this little thing called empathy. | |
| And empathy for your audience is fundamental when trying to give an objective review. | |
| Let me demonstrate. | |
| You have you. | |
| You deride objectivity. | |
| You hate gaming enthusiasts. | |
| You want to play less games and you probably want video games to go away altogether. | |
| Now, let's compare you to everyone else in the video game industry. | |
| Both your audience and the developers who are making games for the people who love them. | |
| They praise objectivity. | |
| They are gaming enthusiasts. | |
| They want to play more games. | |
| And they probably want video games to continue to exist. | |
| Honestly, I think now is about the time that we should explain to you that maybe the video game industry isn't the place for you. | |
| But again, I know what you're thinking. | |
| You're thinking, ha, I have an in. | |
| I can absolutely justify my presence in the video game industry, even though I hate the video game industry. | |
| And no, I don't just mean because you have friends in the video game industry who are going to give you money for participating. | |
| I know that you're going to say things like, you can't judge a game objectively on how fun it is because fun is a subjective measure by definition. | |
| And yes, you're right. | |
| You're absolutely right. | |
| It is. | |
| Now, if we go back to, say, our list, you can see why we don't want people like you trying to tell us whether a game is fun or not. | |
| Frankly, we don't think that you people are best qualified to do that. | |
| You seem to have really pressing ideological concerns that you can't get past. | |
| This is why we wanted you to be objective. | |
| So when you sit down to write your review after playing more of the game than you're really comfortable with, please bear the following in mind. | |
| Your audience isn't really all that bothered about your opinion, because your opinion isn't very much like the opinion of your audience. | |
| They want to know about the objective merits of the game. | |
| Tell us about merits like graphical quality or maybe aesthetic consistency. | |
| How good are the controls? | |
| What's the multiplayer like? | |
| Does the game have a detailed and involving world? | |
| Does it have an epic storyline? | |
| Is there a lot of content? | |
| Is there lots of replayability? | |
| By giving us this information and not focusing on information that you subjectively care about, we can make the decision for ourselves if we are going to find it subjectively fun. | |
| Then you will have written a useful, objective game review and people won't wish you would fuck off. | |
| A chair in the saddle, yeah, the kiss baby fucker. | |
| I met it, who targeted so data. | |
| You don't have fun, there's no words for the holder. |
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