All Episodes
Previous Next
Nov. 1, 2014 - Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin
01:13:57
A Game of Game of Thrones
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
Hello everyone.
I can't actually get the Game of Thrones mod working.
There seems to be some sort of conflict with the version or something.
So they did a Steam sale for pretty much everything for Crusader Kings 2.
So I got a lot of the DLC very cheaply and haven't played any of it yet.
So I was going to go for one in the Viking Age because there are plenty of areas of the world that I do not know anything about during the Viking era.
And one of them is what happened to Zoroastrian Persia at the end of the Islamic conquest.
And I was looking around and it turns out that this guy is still Zoroastrian in a nice sea of infidels, I think is the best way to put them.
So I thought I'd give them a go and see what happens.
Should be quite amusing.
And I think I'm probably going to have to play quite Machiavellianly, if that is if that's even a word.
So let's do this.
Also, I'm watching the chat and I will need your help.
don't be afraid to tell me how much I suck balls at this.
Hopefully you guys can all see okay.
It seems to be doing a full screen share.
So I'm just going to faff for a second.
Right.
Okay, so I am Satrap Vandad of Karen.
I imagine that's probably pronounced Karan of the Karan satrapy.
So I'm part of what was the Persian Empire and has evidently broken free probably because of my extremely Zoroastrian Persian roots.
So let's see.
I don't have a wife, but I do have a half-sister and she's not married either.
God I kind of live in a vacuum or something.
All right.
Well, let's have a look at my council.
They all hate me.
Okay.
Why do you right?
Okay.
I'm sorry, Astab.
I can't even pronounce that.
Are you really the best man for the job?
Turns out you are actually the best man for the job.
Okay.
So let's just probably need to fabricate some claims somewhere.
So I'm guessing I'm going to try and slowly encroach at my neighbors.
Frame rate is potato.
Yeah, probably is.
But I don't know.
Nothing too much happens that fast in this.
So hopefully it'll be all right.
Let me know if it is really that bad though.
So my next guy on my council is Eren Sparbard.
Sparbot.
i can't remember what it means but right is this guy this guy is also the best at his job and he hates me as well Well, that's good to know.
okay let's get uh let's train some soldiers um right Yeah, sorry, when I'm getting quiet, it's because I'm reading the chat.
Is it unwatchable or is it probably okay for a game like this?
What do you guys reckon?
But yeah, Incest Simulator.
Yeah, that's basically what this is.
I probably could marry my half-sister.
I don't really know what the rules for the Zoroastrians are.
Zoroastrians, if anyone doesn't know, they're the base of the fire worshipping religion that the Persians held to very, very strongly before the Muslims conquered them.
very dualistic and heavily influenced christianity actually uh i can't be able to figure out a hitbox guys to be honest It's too much work.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Yeah, okay.
So Derek Pat, he probably hates me.
What does he do?
What the hell are all these words?
Okay, I don't know what those words mean.
But he seems to be pretty good at what he does, so I guess he'll just have to stay doing what he does.
But I do need more taxes.
Sorry, everyone.
And right, yeah.
So.
So my spy master is also the best spy.
Why does everyone hate me?
I don't know you people.
Is this because I'm not married?
Right.
Well, I would appreciate it if he would spy on these guys because I've had a look.
He's just probably started this.
And how do I display religions?
Okay, there is a way of showing what...
There we are, religions.
See, these people are largely Zoroastrian as well.
So I figure if I can destabilize this state, and they've just been conquered by a Muslim.
If I can find the guy.
Yeah, this guy.
He's actually a Muslim.
So he's probably having some kind of religious tension issues there.
So I need to destabilize these guys and absorb them.
And I can reconquer Iran.
Yeah, I probably have had a short reign, which is probably why everyone hates me.
But that's fine.
I don't mind.
Right.
They'll get used to it, I reckon.
And proselytize.
I think I need to start proselytizing this way.
Because this is where all the Muslims were.
And I need to start rolling back this terrible tide of Islam.
Where the hell's my guy?
I thought I told him to.
Well, I suppose he must be there somewhere.
Ryan, for some reason, I have this army.
If anyone has any idea what this army is here for, please let me know.
Because I seriously have no idea why I have an army here.
Because I'm not at war with anyone.
But it kind of makes me think I should be at war with someone.
I'm looking at you, Salmonids.
Right.
I don't...
Maybe I want to conquer these Salmonids or just usurp their house in some way.
but i don't want to marry some guy who's a muslim so maybe i should just maybe i should set up my kingdom first make sure everything's in order right Right.
So, okay, minimum centralization.
See, this has got loads of new mods in it that I'm not that I'm not actually familiar with.
And yeah, prozelitize means to spread your religion.
I can't have any more feudal levies, and I can't.
I could have more feudal taxation, but that's not really going to make them like me anymore, is it?
Maybe I should just leave my laws alone.
Oh no, Gavalkin.
Gavalkin's the fucking worst as well.
Right, that's something to remember to get.
Well, they say disband it, but you know, I mean, maybe I want to go to war with someone.
I mean, who this this state actually looks kind of weak.
But I don't have any claims anywhere, that's the question.
I don't think I do.
I'm not even sure I have to check.
That's the thing with Crusader Kings.
It's such a goddamn complicated game that there are so many bloody places to go in it.
But screw it.
I think who could I actually reasonably take?
These guys I could probably take.
Can I go to war with this guy?
He's not the chief, is he?
I can declare war.
Hmm.
I don't think I will.
I think I'll probably take your advice, chat, and just disband them.
It's nice to have plenty of guys, but yeah.
See, I would take out the Muslims first, but I need the power of this side because I'm actually a really small state.
I'm the last Zoroastrian leader.
I've got to go again.
Why did I leave a steam group?
I'm not sure.
I don't.
I don't know.
I was in a steam group, to be honest.
I just, it's probably incompetence with technology.
Right.
So, first things first, I do need to find a young hot wife, don't I?
Let's be fair.
Yeah, Timothy, I totally agree.
Galva Kind is just the fucking worst, isn't it?
Invade Spain.
The Muslims have already done that.
I'm way too late.
Spain is gone.
Wait, what?
Are these the only people who'll marry me?
My half-sister.
Brilliant.
I don't actually want to marry my half-sister.
What's going on?
Can I not just.
Is there no way of like marrying someone else's sister?
Just please.
I don't care anymore.
Just, I don't want to marry my own goddamn sister.
Wait a minute.
What's this guy got?
Oh, a son.
Okay, no.
thanks anyway though um i want i wanted to marry for zoroastrian zoroastrian blood but there's just i mean who who are the zoroastrians left Are there any just around?
There are a couple in the Muslim areas.
Okay, so basically, you're Muslim.
Right, okay.
You're Muslim.
Oh, there was a proper purge, wasn't there?
There's poor Zoroastrians.
And you're obviously a Muslim as well.
Okay, fine.
So basically, I don't have any option if I want a wife.
Fuck, I'm probably just going to die through inbreeding.
Okay.
Oh, my half-sister hates me as well.
Probably because I'm going to end up fucking her.
Jesus.
Marrying my sister will boost my relationship with the vassals.
Well.
Well, okay, if you guys say so, how's that?
Let's get this monarchy off to a start.
Yeah, it's everyone's concern.
Pay up, guys.
This marriage wasn't for fun.
This was a sacrifice for the nation.
Jesus Christ.
right okay so i hope that i'm i mean she's my own heir as well God, this is.
What has happened to this family line?
Christ.
Right.
And why, okay, why do you hate me?
What is it about me you hate?
I mean, what?
You're a tough soldier.
You're honest.
You're kind of shy, which is a bit odd, all right?
Charitable, patient.
You seem like an awesome dude.
I mean, I'm not a bad dude.
Look, I'm a tough soldier.
I'm humble.
I'm patient.
I'm okay.
I'm cruel.
I'm greedy, but I'm not a liar, you know?
Vassals just love me.
Right, yeah.
What was his actual problem with it?
Right.
Short reign, that's pretty big one.
Wrong government type.
We're not going republic, you tit.
I can hardly be the king of a republic, can I?
Sargon confirmed for having fish-eyed clubfoot at Tardspont.
That is exactly what happens, I bet, for fuck's sake.
Okay, so he doesn't really dislike me all that much, just dislikes me because I'm the king and he's got a son, and I've got nothing.
Okay, well, listen, do you want an honorary title?
Because you can be whatever this is all day long.
Who else hates me?
It's still him the most, but okay, Lord Farquard or whatever your name is.
Unhanded rogue.
Oh, typical.
Gluttonous.
Quite thin for someone so gluttonous.
Zealous, shy, and digilant.
Digilant, diligent.
Fucking duh.
Right.
But are there no women in my kingdom or something?
Yeah, I think I think I need to start being gregarious.
What do you guys think?
Less incense, more incest, and more kebab removal.
Well, the thing is, I need to perform the incest to get enough soldiers to remove those kebabs.
And even then, I'm starting to think that we might be the monsters.
So let's be gregarious.
At least we can be friendly.
Right.
So I need to, I just need to sort out like my family relations and hopefully try and purify my bloodline a little bit of all the incest babies that are going to be produced.
What?
Oh, you're my vassal, aren't you?
Of course you are.
Yeah.
Right, okay.
I have an honorary title of a pug bearer or whatever that is.
See, one of the things I actually really hate in historical games, right, is when they decide to use the authentic language names for things.
Now, you know, it's cute, it's quaint, you know, when calling, you know, Carthage, Carthago, or whatever.
But the rest of the game's in fucking English.
Just let's let's just, I'm happy to anglicize it, and then you can translate it into those languages and then change the Anglican names into those, you know, like comfortable to say name words in their language.
You know, it's just it kind of comes off pretentious, doesn't it?
But, um, and also, I can't fucking read it out loud.
Right, wife.
I wonder, right, okay, no, no, my vassals.
I need to, I need to make sure my vassals are what these cannot be my vassals.
What?
Okay, while I was waffling, my vassals decided to really like me for some reason.
Maybe they just didn't like me because I wasn't married.
I have a female heir.
Well, I'm trying to fuck my way out of that problem.
Yeah, everyone seems to have a problem with that.
Okay, I won't lie.
There were some parts of the world that were rather patriarchal.
I could do with expelling some Jews, actually.
No, no, no, not that.
Where else are going?
Intrigue, isn't it?
I could do with expelling some Jews.
Oh, I don't appear to have any Jews.
I think they're probably a bit further to the west.
Um, I don't even know what all of these things are, so I'm not going to plot anything yet.
Um, the moral authority of the Zoroastrian faith.
Yeah, I think I am the Zoroastrian faith.
What the hell is this?
Oh, god, just please leave my wife alone.
Uh, right, okay.
So, if what I better just, yeah, right, that's me, isn't it?
Yeah, I'm Vandad.
Right, no, so no, I need to what's my wife's name, Emma, right?
Okay, yes, as long as my wife stays on my team, I don't need her plotting against me or any.
Oh my god, I'm pussy whipped.
Jesus, I don't need her plotting against me or something.
I guys, I can't, I really would like to expel the Jews, but there really aren't any.
You know, I would love to get that 300 gold as much as anyone, but there aren't any Jews where I live, apparently.
So, maybe, maybe I was a restore the high priesthood.
Jesus, that sounds good.
300 piety in a Zoroastrian church appears.
Okay, sold.
We'll do that.
Right, important decisions.
What convert to attackers' religion?
No, I'm not doing that, am I?
Pick an ambition.
Well, my ambition is probably to have a son.
Yeah, you're damn right.
I want to have a son because everyone's getting pissed off of me having a female heir.
Look, I'm really sorry.
God, everyone's such a dick.
Okay, look, dude, what's up?
Come on, what's the beef?
See, there's really not much in the way of beef, is there?
So, if I made you a one of these, um, there we go.
See, everybody's friends.
I am a war.
Thanks for putting that out, guys, because I had no idea.
Why am I at war?
Christ, I've got fuck all in the way of soldiers as well.
And what am I at war for?
Distaban, or whatever.
What the hell is that?
Dehistan.
Oh, that.
Jesus, you're gonna have that.
Christ.
All right.
So it turns out I can't afford any mercenaries.
I would have liked the Turkic band.
Hmm.
See, assume I couldn't marry any nice allies.
I'm gonna have to wait until I can actually get some mercenaries.
And then I'm looking at about parity if I'm lucky, which I will be surprised if I am.
So let's actually get some soldiers in an army.
I can't afford to get those goddamn mercenaries yet either.
Can I, really?
One thing costs 6.79.
I get.
I can't afford that.
Shit.
Right.
Anyone got any ideas?
Yeah, that's.
Don't ever elect me.
I'm useless at video games.
Look, right?
I didn't declare this war.
I didn't provoke this war.
I don't know who those are.
Who they are.
I can't ask the Jews.
I don't have the option of asking the Jews because I would really like to ask the Jews.
Although, I mean, what can I do?
I can hold a feast.
No, I can't hold a feast.
No, I can't do any of these things.
No, I can't do that either.
Right, okay.
Look, he just wants one province.
All right, yeah, you're probably right.
probably is.
I mean is there any way that I can just assassinate him perhaps?
No.
Take Concubine?
What?
Jesus, I don't even know what those options are.
Hmm.
Okay, I will do this one again then.
Well, I was going to let them try, you know, do themselves in, but so I'll prepare this time.
We know what's coming.
We know this guy's going to come for me.
So I won't disband that 4,000 men to start with for a start.
Hell, I might just fucking culturally enrich him first.
And donate the Jews.
Yeah, that's how you know I'm a Goyam.
I suck at video games.
Right, okay.
Right.
I don't want to marry my fucking sister.
But I don't really see much choice.
I mean, I would.
Fuck's sake.
All right.
All right.
That's fine.
Right, let's do this.
Yeah, at least we can collect some cash off that.
Right.
These guys obviously want some fucking see.
I am concerned about starting a holy war.
Yeah, don't worry.
I thought they were levees too.
So it's just wind set.
But it's going to have to be, isn't it?
It's going to have to be just right off the bat.
We're going to have to take these guys out while I've got 4,000 men as it is.
I've got another thousand odd dudes here, which is good.
So, and then I've got 92 gold.
So in a little while, I'll probably be able to get some mercenaries.
So I say fuck it.
Can I declare one?
Oh, it's a bit too late now.
I've raised some fucking levies, isn't it?
That was stupid.
Right, yeah, that was stupid.
Duh.
better get rid of these fucking lovies then and not army of a sad Ah shit.
Right, I don't actually know which ones were fucking mine.
Fuck.
this is what i get for being an idiot right let's just get some soldiers over there these slow ass motherfuckers
Yeah, see, there's some epic war going on down here, so I'm hoping they won't get involved in the holy war up here.
You know, they've probably like got a lot going on, you know, a bit busy today, can't be done with it.
What?
Oh, um, hmm, hmm.
Do I strive to become better or satisfied?
Obviously, I'm not satisfied.
I wouldn't be trying to desperately go to war with this guy if I was satisfied.
Right, let's let's let's disband my levies so I can actually go to war.
Yeah, we'll take this chunk.
Thank you very much.
Right.
Oh, is it different now, is it?
Is it a fucking terrible surprise when you get fucking surprise attacked in the back, you son of a bitch?
How do I select this group?
Right, I suppose, let's try and crack them in the face, so it'll really make more I don't know, victory.
I might take a bit more precautions now though.
Right, okay.
See, we've got these little fucks on the run, although I suspect he's actually trying to get away, isn't he?
Because he's probably got some reinforcements over here.
and let's speed up a little bit you know don't we just all band together
okay so i was expecting a massive like 12 000 man stack to be somewhere around here so So I'm mildly nervous, but I need to do a bit of scouting, really, because I want to find that army and just wreck it so I can just siege the crap out of stuff.
Yeah, my family vacation.
Basically, sorry, guys.
Look, these are the last Zoroastrians, all right?
Where the hell did this go?
Where did I?
There was an army that I was going to crush, and I'm disappointed that it is not here.
I've actually not got a bad force, to be fair.
Ah, what?
Son of a bitch.
Oh, hello.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Bin Laden hiding out in Pakistan or something on the border of Afghanistan.
Literally, what the I'll see.
What?
Oh, brilliant.
Did I want him dead?
I hope I wanted him dead.
But, right, okay.
So, the battle seems to be going pretty well for me.
My guy's absolutely routing their left wing and the center.
And then the right wing seems to have been a complete victory there.
See, I'm not bad at something, and I've captured someone and someone else.
That's brilliant.
Let's just chase down these routers, you know.
But great, that seems to have been quite a good look victory there.
37% to winning this war.
Okay, that's wonderful.
The Magirs have settled in the Carpathian Mountains or something.
No, let him rob.
Thank you.
I've only just taken him prisoner.
He can stay prisoner while I wipe out the rest of his army.
See, this is Zoroastrian zeal.
This is proper religious fervor we're looking at here.
And my king is some sort of raving zealot.
I do like Age of Empires.
I haven't played Age of Empires for quite some time, but I did when I was in university.
And another one captured.
This is brilliant.
I would like to keep capturing people.
Thank you very much.
Ah, shit.
See, this is my problem, though.
Oh, giant Muslim nation says, hey, do you need help, Muslim ruler?
I might execute the fucking lot of them, right?
The question is: can I take out this 5,000-men army?
Right, where's my jail?
How do I find too long going around the area?
Right.
So, who are these people?
Because they might be important.
Right, he is not in my jail, but he is at my jail.
Hmm.
Okay.
So, I mean, I'm tempted to just execute them.
What do you guys reckon?
I agree, eggplant.
There's only a matter of time until I lead Swindon in some sort of violent revolution against the British government.
But yeah, should I execute these guys?
I mean, they're just seem to be nobodies and they don't have heirs.
So it goes to the Sultan, which is fine by me, because it'll probably end up destabilizing the state even more.
I'm trying to have a son with my sister.
I did take my gender studies degree very, very seriously.
Ransom him, you reckon, yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to do it for mercenaries, aren't I?
really, at least with 70 gold, but they can't afford the 70 gold.
Okay, well, I might take him as a concubine instead.
I'll take the 20 gold either way.
Shit.
Okay.
Right, yeah.
So that's 144.
So I probably can get a good squad of mercenaries, or at least a squad of mercenaries that might last for a little while.
Even if it's only a turn or two.
Shit.
Not doing very well for money, though.
Even if it's only for a turn or two to make sure that they are there for the duration of the battle.
But I really, really would like to ransom this guy as well.
Hmm.
Okay.
What do you think?
Why no music?
I just hadn't.
Okay, I'm going to get these mercenaries because I reckon that this guy is coming after me.
What?
Oh, they already have a contract.
Oh, do they?
Well, balls.
so i'm not going to be hiring any of those stories um call tribal vassals to what you're listening So, I'm going to show you what I'm going to do.
I'm actually.
Right.
Actually, righteous imprisonment.
That could be useful.
47% chance.
Shit, that's not very good.
Okay, no, that's not going to be useful for us.
Too late.
Too bad, Vassal Levis.
You're just going to have to live with it.
Shit's going down.
And I bet you still don't want to ransom Doom.
No, of course you don't.
Yeah, shit's going down, Vassal Levy, so you're just going to have to live with it.
It's the good of the nation.
I had to pork my insister, all right?
So fucking shut your mouth.
Ah, shit, there's 10,000 of them coming up there.
If I lose this, I'm not going to lose any territory, but God damn it.
I mean, do I have any allies?
I do not have any allies.
I see.
Right, okay.
Well, I'm thinking they'll probably end up starving themselves or slaying themselves to death, storming a few of my cities.
And I think I probably can retake them back.
I think for now, it's guerrilla warfare.
I think just important to keep an army in the field so I can retake things.
Basically, this is like Hannibal with Rome.
I know how to deal with this.
I know how to deal with this.
I just have to not fuck up.
So I promise nothing.
But they took some of my money.
Those Jews.
But see, they're already down to 8,000.
Yeah.
For some reason, people are using fireworks.
And it's like, well, I guess, but why, you know, just fuck knows.
Fuck.
Look at these guys.
I wasn't prepared for any of this.
Oh, shit.
They actually caught me as well.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
Oh shit.
This massively loaded center.
Balls.
I might actually have to get agreed to the terms.
Oh, I surrender, you sons of bitches.
All right.
On the plus side, I think it means that they'll probably not attack me in the near future.
So I can hopefully build up.
Come here.
What are you doing?
Okay.
Seems to want to go wherever he wants.
So I'll let him do that.
Yes, budget deficit.
Yes.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
You know what?
Fuck it, just, yeah.
What?
What?
Who the fuck are you?
All right.
Well, I have 400 men, my friend.
What do you have?
No, don't go that way, Jesus.
Oh, shit.
All right.
Fuck.
Listen, man, my headmates are screaming in terror because they have no idea that a bunch of wild Turks are about to descend on us.
Shit.
i think this is why the zoroastrians didn't last for all that long after the movie actually that's not true They did, but just, you know, as independent states and rulers, they didn't.
Fuck me.
Come on, you son of a bitch.
Just walk normally.
Right.
Do I have some mountain areas I can hide in?
Probably this one.
No, that's timings.
That's mountains, right?
Fuck.
Maybe I shouldn't have chosen what's probably the most difficult game in the difficult faction in the entire game.
I should have just been the kebab.
I live in the ghetto, sorry.
Now, this isn't the Game of Thrones one.
It's got a bug with it.
It just, it doesn't work on the latest version.
I think it needs to be patched or something.
Okay, let's let's have a look at my armies Because this actually is probably a winnable war because I don't think they're that powerful a state, really.
And although I do have a pretty shit army, I don't know how wise this is, but it seems to me that if you've got a flaky army, having a strong center is better than anything else.
I think I'm going to try and get this 600.
Well, that's probably suicide.
I should probably try for the large one.
But that's probably suicide too.
any advice more personal right okay There's no way I'm going to catch these thousand on their own, is there?
That's a shame, because that would have been good.
But I mean, see, they're losing dudes.
You know these barbarians from the north, I guess, who are just gonna end up starving to death in my resource rare lands.
This is Afghanistan, isn't it?
Really?
Yeah, it's like Afghanistan.
So, see, nothing new under the sun.
You live in Mexican America, everywhere's a ghetto.
Right, okay, a bit fucking faster, please.
What's the frame rate like for you guys?
Is it watchable?
Can you see what's going on?
Let me know how it is, picking our ambition.
What have I got a son?
No, I don't have a Hunter.
That was in the last game, wasn't it?
Yeah, I'll have a son.
Yeah, I do want to have a Sun.
Right.
Okay, he's chilling out.
I think he thinks he's got something.
So I'm thinking I'll let him siege himself out a bit.
And then we can remove him.
These guys aren't even kebab.
These guys are just fucking pagans.
They're not even, they're not even kebab.
Honestly, I'm disappointed in them, frankly.
Right, okay, let's see.
I can't, come on, I can't see anything about Han.
Fuck off.
Can't see anything about his army, can I?
All right.
See, now I'm nervous.
I'm thinking, oh, I shouldn't do it.
I shouldn't do it.
I mean, if I got a bad general, I can't even change my general.
right screw it let's do this it's going to send these 19 guys over here to make sure that no one intercepts or at least you know there's a delay of some sort was probably wasting them but uh screw it
see the really strong center in this just hammers the just what's it what it's against long before it gets routed itself Wow, I really want to trace that 899, but I really don't want to run into that other 1700 while I do it.
Hmm.
Yeah, right.
now i think i will though
right sorry about that The connection dropped, but I think I'm back.
So, ah, I'm at Mecca.
Wrong way.
Right, there we go.
Right, yeah.
If I'm not back, you know, I've heard that, you know, by not having flanks, you give a bonus to your opposition, but it doesn't seem that you do in this.
It seems that having the flanks is actually some sort of detriment.
Right.
Oh, auto-singing.
That's good.
That's good.
I like games that auto-save for me.
right i need to start whittling this stupid little army down and uh i need to i need to set about winning this war Don't even know who this guy is.
Right, right.
What?
What?
How is this little.
Is this all horseman or something?
Must be, actually.
Oh, you son of a bitch.
I can't even.
Right, okay.
I don't want to try taking these guys before they've sieged anything else.
I want them to lose some more men.
Great.
I don't own Kiva.
Don't know why you kind of brought that up.
Crusade Kings.
Right, okay.
This is it.
I know exactly how I'm going to win this one.
I'm going to drag up a few more men from somewhere.
Hmm, 100 guys.
That's actually not bad.
Surprisingly relevant right now.
See, does these cunts are going to come in and try and.
I know they're not, actually.
Oh, you pussies.
Right, okay.
Let's chase these guys down.
Come on, come on.
Yeah, good, good.
See, I hate fighting horsemen because they're a pain in the ass to just finish off.
Is that the wrong one?
Is that the wrong one?
I don't even know.
I assume it's someone.
They're a fucking pain in the ass to sort out.
And it's Crimea.
Yeah, I think.
No, I'm miles away.
I'm never going to do that.
too many russians there we go Right.
That's good, actually, because that joins all my forces up.
And now for the main assault, well, they are some impressive flanks, aren't they?
I said, don't even think about it.
You guys can just fuck off unless you want to help.
I have checked my privilege.
It's locked and loaded.
I decided to go for one that was a lot just different.
I normally play Western Europe in some way, you know.
And so I thought, I hadn't played the Game of Thrones one.
Oh, Jesus, what's this?
Guy, uh, well, I assume you're asking because you're better, so yes.
Sorry, other guy, this is a meritocracy.
Yeah, 17.
See, the other guy was what 11.
Yeah, sorry, dude.
As much as I liked you, um, but you could fabricate some claims, I suppose.
Um, no, I used that one.
Let's get into the Black Sea a bit, shall we?
Um, wait, wait, wait.
What's going on?
What I didn't did, I tell no, we're not attacking yet.
We're waiting for him to siege this.
So, get on with it.
All right, auto-safe.
Calm down.
Make me feel this has been going on for 100 years or something.
Oh, wonderful.
I, my sister/slash/wife is pregnant.
That's that's that's brilliant.
I hope I have a mouthful child.
Right, yes, yes, break up your forces.
on.
Do me a lemon.
I would love to play as the Prussians.
Basically, I kind of feel like I'm playing as the Germans in Asia.
See, this guy knows he's fucked, then he's fucked, then this guy's fucked, then the war's over.
So, it's a long road, but it's going to be glorious.
Oh, where are you going?
You fucking cowards.
Look, right?
I only wanted it because the game forced it on me.
I might well be Abraham, but the Zoroastrians are on the fucking warpath.
Look at these guys, go.
Yeah, we'll wipe them out as well.
Then you fags at the bottom.
Fucking come on.
That's true.
No, it is only half incest.
It's only half incest.
It's a girl.
All right, Roxana.
Don't get me wrong, I would love it just as much as I love a son, but I need a son because of the goddamn inheritance.
And the fact that all my vassals are gonna be like, your heirs are girl, you know.
I'm like, look, man, what do you want me to do about that?
You know, gender reassignment surgery is two and a half thousand years away.
I know, it's only a thousand five hundred years away.
What am I talking about?
Um, but yeah, you know, I can't change that, guys.
See, this is prejudice.
This is patriarchy in action.
Needs to be needs to be stopped.
Right, yeah.
You on your own are fucked now, mate.
So, you know, if you had any sense, you'd give up, but you won't.
So sorry, I'm just looking at the chat.
Oh, look at this little guy.
He's starving to death as well.
Terrible.
Oh, no, have you been cut off, mate?
What the hell?
I wish my council members had stopped randomly dying When they're collecting taxes and proselytizing to the pagans and doing all those other things I tell them to do that end up getting them killed, spying in foreign lands, right?
Everyone just get to work.
Oh, come on.
Get him.
You can become betrothed to children in this game, but you can't actually marry until they reach adulthood.
Which was surprisingly accurate.
Gotcha.
I think is this.
Oh, is this person revolting or something?
What's going on here?
Hmm.
I don't know what's going on there.
Probably some kind of violent revolution.
What?
Oh, sure.
Yeah, I'll pay nine gold to get 25 prestige.
And I would like a chronicle written of my life.
To be fair, I'm probably like my country's greatest leader at this point.
I'm fucking handling this.
This is all right.
Sorry about this.
We just have to wipe out these.
There we go.
See, wipe people out, capture them.
It's got to be done.
I can't just leave them wandering around.
Because at some point I'm probably going to capture the ghosts that are at this war, and then that's it.
I will take them all as concubines, actually.
Because I'm not picky.
you know i've i've married my sister so you can tell that i'm not picky you know i would love to see a syria total war so that it's my family tree into basically a family sort of shrub
All the branches just touching each other.
But yeah, I'd love to see a Syria total war, man.
Fucking literally just before the end of the Assyrian Empire or something.
Yeah, no, you can rot.
I'll get to the prisoners once this war is over.
But I'm now technically kind of winning to 2%.
You fucks.
I will route this last 500 guys somewhere far off in the depths of Asia.
There we go.
No, you can rot too.
Shut up.
Can I?
Much better.
Right, screw it.
Seems like that guy's given up.
He's come back home.
Do a little victory lap through his land, apparently.
Is that really the fastest way?
All right, fine.
I don't know.
If this victory lap kills me, I'm going to be pissed off.
Oh good, more soldiers.
That's great.
What's the Thunderfud vid about?
Oh, no, I'm ill.
Oh, I can't afford to die on campaign.
Who the fuck are you guys?
Uh, I'll master flat terrain.
Well, at least I'm not ill anymore.
The fuck's going on?
What levies do I have?
Not very many.
Oh, that's what I get for getting overconfident.
I can get some mercenaries though, but I won't.
I'm looking forward to seeing Thunderfist's video on Game of Game.
Be interesting.
So, especially given his direct knowledge of Atheism Plus.
So, that would be very interesting.
Okay, this is this really wasn't all that bad.
I can pull this back if my guys ever actually cross the vast steps here.
I can't believe how many infantry I have.
I would have thought I'd have more horse, given, you know, Asia.
Just 319 people.
Oh, son of a bitch.
Come on, come on.
Come on, we can start doing the siege.
Thank you.
right so i'm reclaiming our homeland yeah i've played quite a lot of ck2 I didn't realize quite the position they started in, though.
It really is disadvantageous.
Oh, what?
Man, come on.
Fuck. Right.
It's all right.
Things aren't over.
Oh, shit.
Maybe they are.
Yeah, okay.
I wasn't expecting him to grab me there.
Listen, it's not over.
Even though my mercenaries are about to revolt against me.
Son of a bitch!
I thought they would get there in time.
So, how do I, how do I, do I, do I just what do I lose?
Do I lose everything?
Listen, I think this was quite a good attempt as the Zoroastrians.
No, I have lost.
Well, that's well, I tried.
I mean, if anyone has any suggestions on what I could have done better there, do tell.
I thought that was going to last a bit longer.
It's only eight o'clock, so I'm going to go for another one.
Fuck it.
Listen, we can do this.
We just have to know exactly what our opponent's going to do at every given time.
Basically, I need more advice from you guys.
See, the problem, my problem with video games, I always try starting on the hardest difficulty.
That's what I do.
Because, I mean, that guy I've played Rome with, he's amazing at Rome.
I swear.
He's incredible.
I'm going to watch that Thunderfoot video in a minute.
Right.
Okay, this time I'm not going to marry my sister.
I'm going to marry literally anyone else.
I mean, can I marry a fucking pagan?
Or whoever?
Like, who's your boss?
Right, okay.
He doesn't.
There are no women in Asia.
That's the problem.
I see.
I'm finally.
I completely understand.
No, what?
okay do you where are all the women Okay, does anyone have any women?
Jesus.
This guy was just summoned into being by God.
Do you have any females?
What the f- Okay, um, um, alright.
Anyone?
No?
Okay.
Right.
Baghdad is that.
Calif.
Do you have not a single woman in your family?
What?
What is going on?
Christ, maybe the feminists are right.
Maybe there was just like a holocaust of women in the past, and the men of the past just didn't write about it.
See, oh my god, the first.
Yeah, I'd love to marry a princess, I suppose.
i mean i'm a king of some sort um can i can i do this Is he like up for it?
No.
Oh, I am a bit of an infidel.
Well, shit.
Okay, I'll just marry my wife, my sister.
I guess.
Oh, God.
No wonder this empire fell.
Right, okay.
Let me think.
We've got 4,500 men.
Right, guys, Council of War.
Can I check everyone in my role?
Shit, no, I'm married now.
Fuck.
Fuck that.
I didn't know.
Yeah.
They're not letting me touch the Pyocama.
This is not.
I'm not happy about this.
Well, I need an alliance to go against these guys, I think.
I'm guessing it would be better to try and actually have a legitimate cause for war rather than just a holy war.
Don't actually want a holy war with him because that's what's getting everyone else into the game, into the fight, isn't it?
You know, so I'm actually, if there was somewhere that I had some sort of claim on, that would be excellent, but I don't think I do have a claim on anything.
No, I think that I literally only have holy walls, so I'm reluctant.
I mean, there's no way.
Well, maybe.
I mean, these guys probably aren't that hard, are they?
you know yes i understand the concept of marrying for alliances why do i always end up incestuous Look, that is that is look, there is no one who would marry me for an alliance.
Yeah, I'm going to fabricate claims.
Um, guys, I will desperately try to learn to game while you're watching the Thunderfoot video.
I do not mind.
Um, right, but no, that's fine.
I've got I've got four and a half thousand men here, right?
And I mean, are these guys likely to get involved?
I mean, I suppose they probably will, but I'm not happy about it.
I mean, what were these guys presuming to invade this place?
So, I don't do we have anything that we can do, I guess.
Everyone thinks I'm a goddamn infidel.
the problem right i'm thinking if i do this quickly if i just crack on nail them hard what do you guys reckon Wait, wait till they get infighting.
Yeah, I'll choose, yeah, I'll choose an ambition, but wait, wait until they start infighting, you reckon.
That's probably for the best, to be fair.
I'm pretty sure the safer is going to go after these guys.
So, when they do, I'd probably be good for me to go after the Sunday because it's these guys that are responding to them anyway, isn't there?
So, I think it probably is best, like you suggest.
Um, right, okay, yeah, so I'm just gonna get things going.
Let's see what happens.
Yeah, see, these guys are automatically at war with someone, must be these guys.
In fact, I'm just going to shuffle over here.
See, I don't know who these guys are fighting.
Oh, that's probably, yeah, that's these, yeah.
Okay, so now would actually be the time, wouldn't it?
Let's be fair since these guys are busy
they're already fighting each other, so they're not going to get involved.
I'm confident.
Although I'm a bit worried about these guys, these guys are fucking enormous.
Kind of want these guys to win, even though they're right next to me.
All right, you slow motherfuckers.
Right.
sorry when i'm thinking about like what's going on i can't really talk properly because my brain has only got one mode on or off
i've got this plan he says optimistically I'll tell you, if I didn't have those 4,000 troops to kick around with, I would have been fucked.
And even then, I still seem to be fucked with them.
So oh, oh, oh, we're staying, We're staying put now, are we?
pussy just come straight for him okay so see I've got this I've fucking got this.
Honestly, ye of little faith.
Okay, sorry about that.
I was just checking something off-screen there.
Oh, you sons of bitches.
You better be getting in.
Oh, shit.
Okay, you have little faith.
I talk over my arse?
I have no...
What?
Oh.
Right, okay, no, I'm looking at the wrong way around.
But even then, that's not going very well.
Jesus.
How did that happen?
Oh, why did nobody warn me about the river?
You can't expect me to be any good at games.
Fuck's sake.
Yeah, I should have looked out for that.
I didn't even think.
I am a fucking idiot.
Right, okay.
That could have gone better, I won't lie.
But on the plus side, at least I'm not being chased by them and I can recover my morale.
Which is something I do desperately need to do.
Oh, yeah, I'll take those six guys, definitely.
if i could just go back um can't afford mercenaries can i No.
Oh, yeah, who's in prison, actually?
Oh, no, this is a righteous imprisonment.
Yeah, no, I don't think I'll be.
I don't think I'll be doing that.
Although I do actually have someone in jail.
If I, what?
I thought I'd capture someone.
Oh, okay.
I know he was slime, wasn't he?
Duh.
Right, okay, we'll just have to wait out this siege for a minute then.
There we go.
Morale back up.
Okay, let's go across the river first before we attack him this time.
I'm such a tool.
Although, if he's coming here, what?
What?
Hire ruffians?
Well, I mean, I'd like nine gold, but do I need the extra?
Yeah, I need nine gold.
Fuck it.
Okay, this guy's coming for me over the river now, so I should have the advantage one would presume.
Look, I'm not dead, alright?
it's not over oh apart from the fact my center's just made of butter Christ.
Okay, yeah, I'm fucked.
Well.
Good game, everyone.
I think I'll probably call it a nightmare.
Jesus Christ, I suck at video games.
Look, we all knew the Zoroastrians were going to be difficult to beat.
To be, even not to beat.
And turns out that I can't do either one.
Well, I have fun doing this.
I hope you guys watched it and enjoyed watching it.
▲
Export Selection