In this episode, the Babylon Bee discusses releasing the sausages in Gaza after the meme-worthy gaffe by the British prime minister. There's also a few updates on the would-be Trump assassin and his son. Then the guys compare and contrast Puerto Rico, the island, to Puerto Rico, the board game. In the subscribers-only lounge, they wrap up with some love mail from Roman Catholics, discuss the necessity of works in salvation, and Jarret reveals another secret. Use promo code 'PODCAST' when becoming a member to get access to the new movie January 6: The Most Deadliest Day on October 11— http://babylonbee.com/January6 You can also use the promo code 'PODCAST' when pre-ordering The Babylon Bee Guide to the Apocalypse at: http://shop.babylonbee.com This episode is brought to you by these sponsors: Get $50 off a 4-week emergency food kit with My Patriot Supply: http://preparewithbee.com Buy board games that are Christian and good like Deliverance: http://playdeliverance.com
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The Babylon Bee Podcast.
Hey, welcome to the Babylon Bee podcast, formerly known as the Bee Weekly, formerly known as the Babylon Bee Podcast.
I'm the producer, Dan Coates.
With me, as always, is this guy.
Hi, my name is Travis, and I work here at the Babylon Bee.
And this guy.
Hi, I'm Jared.
I also work here at the Babylon Bee.
We all work at the Babylon B and we're on the Babylon Bee podcast.
What a coincidence.
Wow.
And that's why you want to hear from us because we work here.
Some might call it a coinky dink.
This is a little look behind the scenes at what the people from the Babylon Bee that you know and love actually care about.
What do we talk about?
What do we think?
Not that we're that interesting.
I don't know why you guys care.
Yeah, so what are we going to talk about today?
Well, I thought it was kind of cool that we have the actual lectern from Nancy Pelosi in our studio now, which you will see prominently in our new movie, January 6th, the most deadliest day.
This was the one actually stolen from the Capitol and hid somewhere under a bridge in New Jersey.
Which we then found.
We then found.
And we're able to transport it here to the bunker where we shoot.
Yeah.
So that Nancy Pelosi has not been able to get her claws into it and take it back.
And the beauty of it is that due to the Finder's Keeper's loophole, we did not steal it.
It was already lost somewhere.
We just found it.
You know, is that a true thing?
Like the Finder's Keeper's loophole, if you find stolen items, you can keep them?
I think technically, according to the law, you are supposed to turn something into the police station.
And then after a certain amount of time, they just go, ah, it's yours.
Really?
It's right there in the law code next to the five-second rule.
Yeah.
The five-second rule.
What about the Make My Day law?
Is that real?
I think that's more of a guideline.
It's more of a guideline.
It's more of a suggestion.
It's more of a guideline.
Yeah, we actually, I just watched that movie over the weekend with.
Dirty Harry.
No, not Dirty Harry with the kids.
No.
Well, that's where Make My Day comes from.
Well, yeah, but the guideline comes from Pirates of the Character.
Yes.
They're more like guidelines.
So the actual rules.
Do you don't remember the part from Dirty Harry where he says, go ahead and make my day?
It's more of a guideline.
That's the only claim he's talking about.
I actually don't remember that.
I don't remember much about Dirty Harry.
There's a couple things I do remember that I probably shouldn't remember.
I really enjoyed Dirty Harry as like when you watch it on TV and then you rent it as an adult and you're like, whoa.
You're like, the 80s were different.
Well, and there's a whole like subplot where, why is he called Dirty Harry?
And you find out it's because he just kind of keeps it.
He's a dirty old man.
He's kind of a dirty hair.
Yeah, he's like a, he's, he's got like, he's a voyeur.
Like, that's kind of.
It's like, oh, that's why he's got a strange subplot.
You know, like you want your hero to be a voyeur.
Well, I mean, it's a different time.
Yeah.
Let's just say that.
There's an element where you create a character with imperfections and flaws, and that makes them more interesting.
But that's just a weird one.
Yeah.
It's just a weird one.
It's just a weird one.
We try to deal with our sketches, you know, create subplots.
Yeah, like Satan is a voyeur in all the sketches.
Oh, yeah.
No, Satan is all the things.
Yeah.
So the subplot is he does all those things.
Yeah.
So we're made him a flawed character.
Yeah.
Well, if you want to watch a movie without a dirty old man or weird perverts in it, except for Kyle, you watch January 6th, The Most Deadliest Day.
And you can go to babylonbee.com/slash January 6th, and you can sign up and become a premium member.
And that's how you get access on October 11th when our movie comes out.
We're all in it.
Isn't that a good thing?
Travis has a really big role in it.
He's an excellent investigative reporter.
Yeah.
I am in it.
If you look real close, you can see me.
He squints a little bit.
But you do have the honor of producing it.
Yes.
And Kyle wrote it and directed it.
Brandon and Jordan.
We're actually really proud of it.
We're really proud of it.
As a team, Brandon, Jordan, Brandon directing it.
You know, Kyle writing and directing to and Travis in there.
You actually wrote some stuff for it too.
Some stuff that was rejected, I think.
And then Joel, Joel Berry contributed.
There's a lot.
I mean, all of us contributed a little bit.
Like Bettina contributed artwork for us.
Yeah, that's right.
And, you know, it was a big team effort.
It was a big team effort.
And we're really proud of the team for getting it done.
I think it's like, it's an awesome, it's an awesome accomplishment.
Making a movie is so different than making a five-minute sketch.
And we all contributed.
It's like I'm background actor number 17.
That's right.
So I was going to say it's.
They can't take that away from you unless they cut it.
They can take it.
I guess they can take it.
A little digitally.
It's not too late.
Yeah.
No, there's like, it's like making a five-minute sketch, only longer.
Yeah.
And it's always weird how making a movie, I mean, even it's not like a two-hour and 45-minute film, but it's feature length.
I mean, it's pretty epic, though.
Yeah.
But I mean, it's making it, you always think in your head, like, well, this should only take like this long to make because that's how long the movie is and it takes longer.
You have to approach the 90 minutes of filming, right?
We're done.
Yeah.
That was easy.
Yeah.
That was a Tuesday.
Yeah.
So go to BabylonB.com/slash January 6th.
Please support us.
Support the movie.
We want to keep making stuff like this and keep putting stuff out there for people to watch.
Use the promo code podcast.
And I think you get some kind of discount when you sign up.
And it also helps the podcast out because it's like, hey, people listen to this podcast.
It proves to people that you want the podcast.
And if you don't want the podcast, then I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
Yeah.
I don't either.
I got to reevaluate.
You know, but there is, we have sort of slowed down the five-minute sketches that we've been doing in order to focus on this feature film.
But we also are bringing back some five-minute sketches.
So be looking for those as well.
Like those are coming back a little bit here and there.
We've got a lot of stuff coming out.
So a lot of stuff for you guys to check out.
Yeah.
One of my favorite sketches we've ever done is coming out in like the next week or so.
It's going to be great.
It's going to be really funny.
So be sure to sign up and become a member of the Babylon Bee website, not the YouTube channel.
That's good too.
But the website, get a premium account, not a basic account.
So those basic members, you got to give us a little cheddar and then we'll let you be premium.
And just a quick mention, we've also got our book coming out, The Babylon Bee Guide to the Apocalypse, which is continuing our guide series.
So make sure you check that out.
I think you can pre-order it now on Amazon or on our web, our store, shop.babylonbee.com.
Use promo code podcast for that too.
In this episode, you're going to get Battle Box, which the Battle Box, as Joe Biden said, is where we settle our differences, right?
Not with bullets, but with the Battle Box.
We've also got news.
We've got some updates on the Trump shooter guy that got arrested.
Are you guys ready for this?
I'm ready.
I'm excited.
Let's get into it.
I was born ready for this.
Let's do it.
Dig in.
But first we've got.
You used to be good.
Adam Ford.
Adam Ford.
I really miss Adam Ford.
This person's name is Peasant on Elon's Plantation, which kind of gives you some idea of what he thinks probably.
Okay, the Babylon Bee is a lot like the onion, except it's for stupid folks.
I'm not glitching.
I'm a very stable genius.
It's a picture of Donald Trump in prison in an orange jumpsuit with the red dot on his forehead.
Yeah.
So adding the picture of Donald Trump with the text that I'm a stable genius seems to have nothing to do with his actual post.
Yeah, I think he's just the.
It's just like, hey, it's.
It's a very simple juxtaposition of genius versus stupid.
Yeah.
Right?
Well, it's kind of like this weird idea where you just project onto a whole group of people like, oh, you're all on the right.
You're all Trump people.
You're all Republican, you know, whatever.
And then you say, those people are stupid.
Yeah.
And that's your whole point.
It's not very, it's not a very.
It's the collectivist mindset, though, too.
Because we don't really judge.
I don't judge Democrats as a group so much.
I do.
Well, maybe I wouldn't say they're all a bunch of Democrats.
No, I wouldn't say they're all.
Some people who at the core, when a Democrat's just like, you know, I think the government needs to be more involved in certain things.
You can have a reasonable disagreement.
Yeah.
But in terms of going towards like leftist woke ideology, how the Democrats have largely gone towards that, that's the part I disagree with.
You know what's been bugging me about the Democrats lately is that they are so incurious about anything to do with Kamala Harris.
They just don't like Trump.
Like if you ask them anything specific, they have zero curiosity.
What are your candidates' policies on Trinity?
I don't care.
Well, Trump's policies are this, and I don't like Trump.
Like, oh, okay.
Well, they wouldn't even know Trump's policies.
They would just say, I don't like Trump.
Yeah.
It makes me wonder how things would be going if we had a different presidential candidate instead of Trump.
Like, would it be the same?
Because they can't just do, oh, it's a referendum on Trump.
It'd be, oh, we have to talk about this guy.
Well, I think it's JD Vance.
I think if you were to compare and say, I would say, yeah, because we can kind of see a little bit of a microcosm with JD Vance, the way they're treating him.
That's true.
You know, so they do.
They just kind of like, you know, like paint people a certain way.
Yeah.
What's in the news this week?
Well, speaking of how the Democrats have kind of maligned and painted Trump, this is the Department of Justice just released a letter that was penned by Ryan Routh after he failed to assassinate Trump.
And so he wrote this letter, like kind of like a screed, and then the Department of Justice thought this is a good idea.
Let's publish this.
Yeah, we'll get some details.
Yeah.
We'll learn if he acted alone or.
Yeah.
So they released this handwritten thing.
And basically he says, like, if I fail to kill Trump, here's $150,000.
I'm going to give $150,000 to whoever can do it.
And the Department of Justice thought, that's a good idea.
Let's publish it.
Let's radicalize everybody.
Yeah, so DIY is basically it's a call to everybody in the world that wants to kill Trump.
This guy pay you $150,000.
So that's interesting because like there's, there's like a, I think there was a shooter, like a transgender shooter that wrote a manifesto and they refused to release it.
And I'm okay with that.
I don't really care what they said.
But the double standard here, and now they're like, ah, this is for the people.
They need this info.
You need to know.
Could you at least redact that line where he's promising a reward to people?
Yeah, he says, from the youngest to the oldest, all across the globe, if you can finish the job, I'll pay you $150,000.
Now, I have a question, though.
How would he do that?
He's locked up now.
Well, my thought is like, yeah, how is this going to be accomplished?
And especially the person that kills Trump, if that were to happen, would die.
Yeah.
You know.
It's just a false promise.
The logistics of this seem hard to carry out.
Yeah.
So not only is he an attempted murderer, he's a liar.
He's a liar.
Well, he obviously didn't think this all the way through.
Yeah.
He didn't think a lot all the way through.
It's why he's in prison.
He's not the type of person to think things through.
I think when you try to assassinate a president, you haven't thought things all the way through.
I do wonder about that.
When was the last assassin that thought everything through?
John Wilkes.
Whoever killed JFK.
Yeah, that person.
Well.
Well, we know Ryan Ralph is of good stock.
He's got good family, good values, because his son, Oren Ralph, I think is his name.
Sure.
They were investigating his dad because his dad tried to kill Trump.
And so they searched this guy's computers for any communications with his dad relating to the investigation of the assassination attempt.
And they found a bunch of child videos.
I don't know gross, weird stuff.
Sesame Street videos?
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't want.
And so now they've arrested him.
See, that's like so gross.
When they first arrested his dad, they went to this guy and they interviewed him a little bit or some news media interviewed him a little bit.
And he's like, well, you know, my dad hates Trump, just like every rational human being.
Yeah.
And then you find out this guy defending his dad is not a rational human being.
Yeah, it's like their idea of what's right and what's wrong is so warped.
Yeah.
Dan.
Love is love.
These people need Jesus.
They really do.
That does seem to be the mantra is like, hey, vote for Kamala.
Vote for kindness.
Vote for compassion.
Vote for, like, that's all they have to run on is like, vote for these things.
Words.
Vote for words.
And like the kind of people that are repeating those mantras are like, you know, I think C.S. Lewis wrote about this where he talks about it's easy to love people in the abstract.
Kindness.
Everyone just be kind.
And then when it comes down to like actually loving your neighbor or having a virtuous life, like, nah, nah, don't do that.
I like how Lewis always breaks it down into specifics.
So he's like, kindness.
And it could mean you smiled at a guy on the bus and you think, I'm a kind person.
I'm a good person.
Right.
Yeah.
It's because I smiled at somebody or I shared my sandwich today or something like that.
It's like, I'm good.
Yeah.
I don't know.
What does kindness mean, bros?
What does kindness mean?
Right.
It's a, what's the parable of the Good Samaritan that helps the person on the side of the road and the other person's like, I'll pray for you.
Bye.
See you later.
I got to be at this church meeting.
Yep.
Hey guys, if you listen to the podcast, you know that I'm a nerd.
And you know that as a nerd, I like to play board games.
I've got hundreds of board games.
Monopoly.
Actually, I don't own Monopoly.
Only own good games.
And I'm here to tell you about a good one.
Deliverance.
Deliverance is the highest rated Christian board game ever made.
You're like, Christian board game?
What?
Is this like some Bible trivia thing where you're quizzing people on who was David's fourth generation nephew that was attacked by the Philistines in 1400 BC?
No.
This is good and fun.
The whole thing is that you and four friends are going to take on the role of an elite angel in heaven's army and you vanquish demons in tactical combat while delivering saints from oppression.
It's a Christian game, unashamedly Christian, but it's fun.
Tactical combat and it's not preachy.
And guess what?
It's actually a real challenge.
You think it's going to be easy just because it's some Christian game and you're playing as the good guys?
Think again.
It's an interesting game.
Great mechanics.
It's innovative.
And it comes without all the problems of getting people to play without having to force them to play.
They're actually going to want to play.
Spiritual warfare is a serious topic and Deliverance takes it seriously and does well to respect the lore of the Bible.
The game is really fun and it's actually a pretty cool conversation starter.
There's like some scripture references on the cards as you're playing and it's a good time.
If you're a board gamer or want to get a truly unique gift for that gamer in your life, click the link in the show notes or visit Kickstarter and look up Deliverance the board game.
Don't get Deliverance the movie.
Not the same thing.
Definitely not Christian.
You want the board game?
Pre-order or back deliverance on Kickstarter and get up to $90 off on retail prices today.
You're not going to regret it.
I personally endorse it.
They didn't even have to pay me, but they did, but they didn't have to.
They could have saved a lot of money by just saying, hey, Kyle, will you endorse this?
I would have said, sure.
It's a great game.
It's fun.
But they're fools.
Banger of the week.
All right.
So the most popular article on the Babylon Bee this week was, Biden promises next Trump assassin will be a woman of color.
I make this promise.
Yeah, but unfortunately, you can't have a banger without a bomb.
Bomb of the week.
That's right.
You cannot.
The bomb of the week is tearful baseball fan asks God why Otani has to play for the Dodgers.
So this is a funny pairing because I wrote both of these articles.
Why do you think one did so well and the other one did so poorly?
Well, I think one of them did so poorly because it's a sports joke.
Sports jokes don't really bang on our website.
Yeah, I mean, occasionally they do because there is a demographic where sports are certainly more relatable than video games.
We sometimes throw video game jokes out there and people understand sports more.
But it's like niche.
It's like you got to be not only a sport fan, but you got to be a baseball fan and you got to know Otani and you got to know the history of Otani being traded and you got to know that Otani is like the 50-50 player this year.
We got 50 home runs.
You have to act on baseball.
Right.
You have to know some details because I'm a baseball fan.
I like baseball.
But I don't know the details.
I'll go to a game anytime.
I'll watch a game anytime.
I like playing baseball.
But I'm not the kind of guy that knows the details.
Yeah.
So you have to actually be a detailed baseball fan.
Yeah, this isn't just a general like, aha, baseball's boring joke, which we've done those and those do pretty well, I think.
I feel like that, like Kyle wrote that headline.
He's sitting at the bar watching a baseball game.
He's, man, if only we had Otani.
He's like, all right, that's a headline.
I mean, that is.
I think it's a good joke, though.
Yeah.
If only the Rangers had Otani.
The Rangers.
Yeah, Texas Rangers.
Oh, yeah.
You're a Rangers fan now.
Because they're the only team that doesn't have a Pride Night.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
We are all Texas Rangers now.
In our heart.
In our heart.
Crazy.
Yeah.
But, you know, enough about our lame website.
Let's talk about the news.
Yeah.
That's what people are here for to hear us talk about the news.
Man, because this is the, it's my favorite story last week.
It was awesome.
You go.
Oh, yeah.
So we didn't talk about this on the podcast last week, but Israel basically started a shell company to make pagers and other communication devices.
And what happened was Hezbollah They told their people, get rid of your cell phone because Israel is now tracking your cell phone and they can then drone strike you or whatever.
So the Hezbollahs, you know, terrorist people, their top commanders, they're all walking around with pagers.
So Israel made the shell company to put explosives into the pagers.
And then they basically synchronized a way to blow them up.
They did a coordinated attack where everybody with a pager had a small explosion on their hips.
A lot of people died or wherever they had.
Yeah, some people died.
Some people were just injured, but they were like handicapped essentially from the ordeal.
Yeah, we're talking like something like 4,000 people on that first wave.
Wow.
And then the next day it was like radios that started blowing up.
It's so amazing.
Oh, yeah.
So yeah, then they do the pagers and then everyone switches to walkie-talkies and then they blow up the walkie-talkies.
Oh, it's just now how do we talk to each other?
Yeah, they completely decimated their communication system.
It's so incredible.
And it's funny, you never like rejoice in people suffering, but I think that when you're talking about war, Hezbollah has been attacking Israel for the last, however long.
There's a bunch of people in the north of Israel that can't live in their house right now, right?
Like because that whole area is constantly being bombarded.
Yeah, they're always bombarding.
I was in Dan.
The very area.
From Dan to Beersheba.
Yeah, Dan to Beersheba.
I was up there and we were looking out across this valley and it was right where Hezbollah is always bombing and stuff.
And it was just kind of like, man, people, they were like, see that village over there?
You can't live there anymore because that's abandoned.
And I just, I'm amazed that, you know, Israel, everyone always accuses Israel of going after citizens of like, you know, these places.
This was so targeted towards the Hezbollah, towards the combatants.
Now they're going after actual combat, like they were bombing specific military sites in the next couple of days, too.
Yeah, the only disappointing news out of all of this is that they did the pagers, then they did the walkie-talkies, and then they had nothing else clever to do.
So I'm like, I guess we'll just do bombs now.
Yeah, bombs.
And like, well, that's boring now.
It's video game systems.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Everyone's Sega Saturn just exploded.
Yeah, that's right.
What a bummer.
Yeah, so that's the, so the war is going on in the north, the war still going on in Gaza.
And this is really why we brought this up was because the British prime minister, what's his name?
I have no idea.
He's newish.
Something.
Yeah, he's relatively newish.
They just had the elections this year.
His name is Peter Englishman.
Yes.
So basically, the British prime minister called for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza and a return of all the sausages.
We got to watch this.
We must return.
Let's click on that link.
Sausages.
Yeah, let's click on that link and we'll play the clip.
Immediate ceasefire in Gaza.
The return of the sausages.
This became like an internet meme sensation.
Like, you know, you've got Star Wars posters.
You've got.
Him just holding sausages.
Sir, they're not releasing the sausages.
Oh, my goodness, dude.
Yeah, so a ton of different memes out there.
Oh, that's funny, bro.
So yeah, we'll put some of these up on the screen for our video listeners.
For our blind listeners, there are lots of funny memes, including sausages.
And you just, I'm sorry you didn't get to see that.
All the people out there that think, okay, we're just a bunch of Jews that are supporting Israel.
Like, we get that comment all the time that we're all a bunch of Jews.
It's like it's so funny.
But this is, I mean, Israel, immediately since it was established in 1947, they've been trying to get this two-state solution.
They've done it five or six times.
They keep responding to the Islamists.
It's not the Muslims.
It's not the Arabs.
It's the Islamists.
They keep responding by saying no and then bombing Israel and throwing all this crap at them.
And so for Israel to defend itself, people get so mad at Israel.
And I'm just like, what are you guys doing?
It doesn't make any sense.
That sounds a lot like something a Jew would say.
That's right.
Yeah.
So let's go back to American news with the election with Donald Trump and Kamala.
They have like a really close election that's going on.
And so naturally, Trump's decided, Trump decided to have a new strategy of releasing Trump coins.
Yeah, minting some new coins.
Cool.
I don't know.
Does that help you win an election?
And they're $100 each.
$100 each.
It makes sense.
I think it does because he's just, every time he does anything like this, he makes millions of dollars.
Yeah.
So let's go up to Trump's original tweet.
Does the campaign make millions of dollars or does Trump make millions of dollars?
I'm pretty sure.
It depends.
So what he posted on X was, hello, everyone.
I have something incredible to share today as we are introducing the launch of our official Trump coins, the only official coin designed by me.
Me.
And proudly minted here in the USA.
The president, Donald J. Trump, first edition silver medallion will be available starting Wednesday, 92524, exclusively at TrumpCoins.com.
Sign up today.
Yeah, get yours today.
Are we buying one of these?
We absolutely should.
I hope so.
Yeah, I kind of want one.
They're probably sold out already.
So it's like $15 worth of silver.
You pay $100 for it.
But it's got his face on it.
Yeah.
I mean, a normal silver coin doesn't have Trump's face on it.
That's true.
It's such a thing to do, though.
It's like Julius Caesar would do this.
If he were a world leader, you got to print your own coin.
You got to.
It just seems so weird to me that you're trying to run for president and you're trying to get votes and you're like, hold on a minute.
I'm going to release Trump coins.
Yeah.
It just seems like such a.
Hold on, everybody.
Hold on.
I'm going to spend time on this really quick.
So I appreciated our CEO, Seth Dylan's response to this when he posted, oh, or just hear me out.
Let's not do this and focus on winning votes instead.
I agree with that sentiment.
I do too.
I think Trump coins is certainly, it's publicity, and there's a sense that there's no such thing as bad publicity, which is really not true.
But other than just getting his name out there, I don't know if it's helping anything.
Well, my thought is Seth's probably right, but I also think Trump just spent a ton of money on his trials.
Like he's spending money campaigning.
I feel like this is probably reimbursing himself for a lot of the stuff.
Sure.
I mean, it's certainly getting more money.
It's a, you know, a form of campaign fundraising.
He will make millions of dollars on this.
Millions.
Millions.
And he'll be able to spend it on Mar-a-Lago, on some new couches, whatever.
And then we'll zoom in on his face.
So for our blind only listeners, for some reason, the computer zoomed in on Trump's face really, really far.
Yeah.
Computer, magnify.
Magnify.
Okay, so our intern said, but another interesting thing about what's going on in politics, Zelensky, who is the current president of the Ukraine.
Not the United States?
No, but Zelensky is basically campaigning for Kamala.
Kamala.
Kamala.
He's touring ammunition factories in Pennsylvania and attacking Trump and Vance all over the place in American media outlets, which I understand.
There's a good reason because if he gets elected, if Trump gets elected and say he does stop the war, they will stop getting the money from the United States.
Well, presumably.
Zelensky has a vested interest based on what he is hearing from Biden.
However, I mean, Congress has the power to just give them money anyway, without the president being involved.
So it's the war is over.
Well, that's that part's good, though.
Yeah, but Trump is saying he wants the war over.
Zelensky, I would venture to guess, probably wants the war to continue.
Well, Zelensky told the New Yorker his feeling is that Trump doesn't really know how to stop the war, even if he thinks he knows how.
He's saying the war is more complex.
It's not that simple.
He was saying JD Vance is too radical.
So he's over here in America and he's basically doing a campaign stop for the opposition, right?
Yeah, so that's weird.
It is.
It's very weird.
And they obviously flew him out to do this.
Like, why would a person from another country be like, I'm going to Pennsylvania?
Because they paid him a billion dollars.
Well, right.
Yeah.
But that's, I mean, it's obvious that they paid him to do this.
Like, of course they did that.
That's weird.
So Vance has come out with a more precise plan to give up our territories.
Yeah, that's what Zelensky says.
I don't know JD Vance's plan.
Yeah, I haven't heard that.
But it's probably just being realistic about the situation.
It's like, well, Russia kind of took the eastern part of Ukraine.
And unless we want to invade it ourselves, what are we going to do?
Yeah, there is an element where, I mean, I support Ukraine's rights to defend itself.
Yeah.
Just like I support Israel's right to defend itself.
But if they are physically incapable of actually doing anything in the long run and we're not going to get directly involved, then what are we really doing?
We're just wasting money.
Yeah, I think the right position, or I should say the Republican position, is, do we want to start World War III over Ukraine?
And the opposite of that is, yes, we want to start World War III over Ukraine.
And we're just going to keep it going and we're not going to stop it.
Tamala's answer is yes, World War III is a good thing for business.
Yeah.
I mean, I can see the argument that we're slowing down Russia, so to speak.
We're being a foil to their plans.
And I mean, Russia has not made good on their promise to essentially nuke everyone that got involved.
And we clearly did.
It's very obvious we did.
The only thing I would say to Zelensky, if he were sitting in the room, is that Trump and Putin seem to have an understanding.
And so to get Trump and Putin in the room and for Trump to be able to sit down and say, look, I got these things over you.
Stop.
He probably would stop.
Do you think that Zelensky should take a chill pill?
I think Putin needs to take a chill pill.
I don't know.
I think a chill pill is a difficult thing for one to take.
Dan, your response.
How big is the chill pill?
Is it like a horse pill?
What if you have to take it up the, you know, oh, yeah.
Is it chewable, though?
Can you chew it?
Well, you have to swallow it.
It's in a capsule.
And if you chew it, which technically you can, it tastes very bitter.
Oh.
It's bitter.
But you can swallow it with a bit of honey if you need to.
What if you get the placebo?
There's a placebo chill pill.
It's like that time when Ronald Weasley thought he took Felix Felicus.
Yeah.
Yeah, the thing that the lucky drink, whatever it was.
And he did really well.
Maybe that's kind of the way the chill pill.
It's exactly like that.
I'm just saying.
Well, you know what you don't need a chill pill for?
We're going into the battle box.
In America, we resolve our differences at the battle box.
Now, that's how we do it at the battle box, not with bullets.
This week's battle box is Puerto Rico the board game versus Puerto Rico the island.
So if you're familiar with Puerto Rico the island, you know that there's a board game that's about the history of the island.
Yeah.
Oh, interesting.
So I'm going to need more information if I'm going to choose between an actual place and a board game.
Yeah, yeah.
So Puerto Rico the board game.
So is this like, are we choosing, first of all, before we start, are we choosing to destroy one or the other if one wins?
Well, the battle box is where we resolve all our differences, as Joe Biden said.
And so it's like two things enter.
One thing leaves.
One thing leaves, which is like Puerto Rico or Puerto Rico the board game has to go.
We're basically deciding what do we like better, if that helps.
Oh, yeah.
But what are the consequences if we choose the board game?
One wins the battle box.
To the many people that live in Puerto Rico.
Yeah, they will still be alive.
They don't suddenly just.
I just want to make sure that's clear before we start.
All right, we're good.
So the board game enters and the island enters.
So the board game enters and the island enters.
And so one thing you- How does a whole island enter into this box?
We need to- We need to figure out the rules of this game.
So did you know that Puerto Rico has seven different roles that you can pick from on your turn?
But the island isn't even a state.
Man, that's pretty lame.
Why isn't Puerto Rico a state?
It's not even a state.
It's a controlled U.S. territory.
They voted, please make us a state, several times.
And we're like, nah, we don't need you.
It'd be expensive because you'd have to get other stuff.
Do you think it's because they don't have the population to be considered a state?
I'm going to look it up.
Yeah.
What I've heard is that it's because they would get other perks from being officially part of the U.S. and why isn't Puerto Rico a state already?
Let's see what the question is.
The computer AI says.
What if they split Puerto Rico in half?
Because I'm thinking maybe it's like a balance issue in the Senate.
Like maybe they don't want to add a 51st state that's going to be Democrat or something.
So then you have two more senators that are Democrat.
But maybe you split off like a small sliver of Puerto Rico and you make it Republican.
Well, so now you got two and two for each side and then you're a state.
Brilliant.
So statehood, yeah, that is basically the argument.
You would give it representatives in the House and two senators.
Oh, but who cares?
Yeah.
It is weird that we just have this island of people and we're like, no, you're not as good as us.
Well, it's the same as I think the American Samoa is the same, I think.
They could be a state, but they're not.
They're a U.S. territory.
Wow.
So we might need some more data to decide.
So Puerto Rico the board game was the number one game ranked on Board Game Geek from 2003 to 2008.
Wow.
It got dethroned for a little bit by Agricola, but then it got back on the number one.
I think this was in 2010.
It was on the number one again for another year.
That's impressive.
But Puerto Rico the island has never been the number one island.
Embarrassing.
You know what the number one island is, is Hawaii.
They're a state.
And they are a state.
Yeah.
But did you know that Puerto Rico the Island has real tobacco?
Puerto Rico the game only has these tan-colored wooden barrels that are a stand-in for tobacco.
You can't smoke them.
So having real tobacco is a plus on the island.
Yeah.
It's a real commodity that you can really trade.
Yeah.
Jared, did you know that the board game Puerto Rico is considered problematic?
I didn't know that.
It's considered problematic because it kind of like it's a game about colonization and slavery, and you're importing these little discs.
They're workers, but they're called colonists.
They're not even called what they really were, which was slaves.
And they are brown.
They're kind of like whitewashing the colonial past of Puerto Rico.
Wow.
So it's a game that centers around.
It's a terrible injustice.
It's a game that centers on colonialism and exploitation.
And players are tasked with building a commercial empire largely based on slavery.
You're building plantations and you're building buildings, and then you're putting your colonists on the plantations and buildings to work your commercial empire.
So the board game is problematic because of these reasons.
But we do know that Puerto Rico, the island, had actual slavery, which is like 10 times worse.
Yeah.
They did have actual slavery.
And from Puerto Rico down, you have, like down in South America, the majority of the slaves in the slave trade ended up down there.
Well, so why would we even want Puerto Rico to be a state then?
Because it's a great vacationing spot.
True, good point.
Yeah.
And there aren't any other, like, I guess New Mexico is kind of a Latin sounding name.
Yeah.
And you know what?
But Puerto Rico redeemed itself by releasing a new edition of the game where it replaces the colonists with purple pieces that don't look brown.
Yeah, it's Puerto Rico 1897.
So you can't even, they don't even print the original game.
Now it's like this new version that is more inclusive and more palatable to modern sensibilities.
And all the workers look like Grimace from McDonald's.
James Bond spent some time in Puerto Rico.
Is that right?
That is correct.
Yeah, so Travis looked at a lot of Caribbean.
He was in a lot of Caribbean places.
Most of the stories take place in the Caribbean.
Yeah, so we found out that Puerto Rico is used often as a stand-in for anything that takes place in Cuba for American films.
Oh, yeah.
So it's like, oh, that looks like Cuba.
So in GoldenEye, the scene where Bond and Alec Trevelyan are fighting on that antenna tower.
Yeah.
And then that whole thing falls down on Alec Trevelyan and kills him.
Yeah.
That was in Puerto Rico.
The island, not the game.
Wow.
So James Bond has never been to Puerto Rico the board game.
Yeah, it's interesting because I'm kind of trying to, I'm trying to remember.
I read a bunch of the books.
I remember the Ian Fleming books.
I really liked them.
They're really great books.
Yeah, the Puerto Rico the board game is not in any of those books.
Yeah, he doesn't even like play them.
He doesn't even mention it?
No.
No.
Why not?
Yeah.
Stupid.
Right?
Probably maybe because the game isn't as good as the island.
The game is probably not as good as the island.
Yeah.
Puerto Rico, the board game, is only 12 inches wide, and the island is 110 miles wide.
So the islands kind of got Puerto Rico beat there.
Oh, yeah.
I think that's Puerto Rico the game beat.
Unless you like the travel size of Puerto Rico, the board game.
You can't travel with Puerto Rico the island.
That could be a pro.
You know, this is another point, but Puerto Rico has people.
The game only has little figures in it.
Yeah.
And if you like people, that's, you know.
Yeah.
So there is one problem with the updated Puerto Rico, though.
What is it?
Well, because they took this best-selling classic Euro game and they reimagined it into a more welcoming, inclusive gaming experience, which is good.
But the relaunch of the game was marred by production issues such as errors in the rules, missing tiles, building tiles with no text.
And you know what?
The real Puerto Rico doesn't have anything like that.
It's just an island.
Yeah.
So it has no problems.
The real Puerto Rico was never pulled off of shelves due to a mislaunch.
Right.
And it had no problematic history either.
Yeah.
On the other hand, Alexandria Casia-Cortez is Puerto Rican.
Oh, that's a big ding.
So choose.
Yeah, well.
Who wins?
Who wins the battle box this week?
We'll start with you, Jarrett, since you know so much about it now.
Well, now that I am educated, I think Puerto Rico, the island, wins by like a few hands.
Yeah, quite a ways.
Really?
Are you guys surprised by that answer?
A place where people actually live.
Just because of AOC, I'm going with Puerto Rico.
The game.
Yeah, I just want the game.
I've never been to Puerto Rico.
It looks beautiful, but I can play the board game anytime I want.
So for that reason, I'm going with the board game.
We should do a movie launch event in Puerto Rico.
I'm actually looking up flights to Puerto Rico right now.
That'd be sweet.
I would go to Puerto Rico for that.
We should make a satirical film about Cuba.
Let's go ahead and have a reason to shoot in Puerto Rico.
Yeah, let's go ahead and book this now, and we'll just tell Kyle when he comes back.
Okay, I'm going to book it.
They're $409 to San Juan.
San Juan, Puerto Rico.
And San Juan's a great card game.
I like the CD of San Juan.
You could play the San Juan card game in San Juan.
Yeah.
And I think that fits into our movie budget of $500.
Absolutely.
For one person.
Okay, so we can leave, looks like tomorrow for, no, no, this isn't tomorrow.
It's an overnight, though.
It's a layover.
All right.
Yeah.
I don't know if you like layovers, but one stop in DFW.
Departing Monday, October 21st for $409.
Let's go.
Okay.
Yeah.
So for our audio-only listeners, Jarrett was looking at his phone with his hat backwards, which let him look at his phone faster than anyone else.
Yeah.
So it looks like the board game won.
Yeah.
All right.
So that was the battle box.
And now for tuning in.
Even though we hid this information from Jarrett, the island now does no longer exist.
Oh, no.
All those people are gone.
How did you guys do that?
It's just the battle box.
We didn't do anything.
The battle box.
That's just the battle box.
Wow.
That was a great segment.
Yeah.
It was.
So coming up in the subscriber lounge, which you can go to babylonbee.com slash January 6th and become a premium member.
You get everything on the website.
You get full-length podcasts.
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You get special discounts in the store using promo code Podcast.
You can pre-order our new book, The Babylon Bee Guide to the Apocalypse.
Man, that's a mouthful.
That's a lot of stuff we got going on.
Yeah.
So go do that.
And then you'll see us in the subscriber lounge where we got some love mail from Roman Catholics.
Wow.
Unexpected.
We talked about the Pope last week and they wrote in.
And then we've got subscriber headlines and Jarrett is going to reveal another secret.