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May 24, 2024 - Babylon Bee
40:48
Perilous Planes, Plastics, And The Pope

A man died after a Boeing plane fell 6,000 feet in-flight, the Pope told 60 Minutes, "we are all fundamentally good," and, worst of all, scientists discovered that microplastics are in human testicles. This episode also features the debut of the Red Lobster Facts Segment, while hate mail shows that our detractors can't decide if The Bee is Jewish or literally Hitler. This episode is brought to you by My Patriot Supply: http://preparewithbee.com  

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The Babylon Bee Podcast.
Welcome to the Babylon Bee Podcast, the only podcast in the entire world that reports on the news.
I'm Travis.
Kyle is out on assignment at the swamp.
Joining me today is Dan.
I'm Dan.
I usually produce the podcast, but for some reason, I am now on it.
You have been revealed from the shadow.
Emerged as a beautiful butterfly out of your cocoon.
Yes.
Okay.
And also, Bettina's here.
Hello.
She is our resident nurse and graphic artist.
They had no other options.
So they pulled me out of my dungeon and let me out into the daylight today.
You're not supposed to tell everyone that, but.
Sorry.
Sorry, this is a B team podcast.
So we just decided that even though Kyle and Jarrett aren't here, that we're just going to, you know, mutiny and do our own podcast, right?
So this is a special edition socially awkward podcast.
So how are you guys?
How are you?
I mean, I've done this before.
I mean, totally awkward.
Not totally awkward.
What's in the news this week?
Here's all the news that happened this week.
Starting with our top story, Deadly Force was authorized for the Mar-a-Lago raid.
Yeah, so Bettina, do you want to read Donald Trump?
Wait, I want to hear your voice.
You do an awesome Donald Trump voice.
I wasn't going to do a Trump force.
I want you to.
Okay, so Donald Trump posted on Truth Social.
He broke the story.
He truthed it.
He revealed his truth, and it got retruthed 3,000 times.
So he says, wow, I just came out of the Biden witch hunt trial in Manhattan, the icebox, and was shown reports that crooked Joe Biden's DOJ, in their illegal and unconstitutional raid of Mar-a-Lago, authorized the FBI to use deadly lethal force.
Now we know for sure that Joe Biden, Joe Biden, Sleepy Joe, I call him, is a serious threat to democracy.
He is mentally unfit to hold office.
25th Amendment.
I was just going to scream it because it's all in caps, but I don't think that was good.
That was good.
You can donate to my Patreon.
I don't have one.
So Axios reported, and a lot of people have reported, like The Hill, the quote-unquote Washington Post, probably even the local Daily Bulletin.
And they're trying to say it's not that bad.
It's not that outrageous.
This is totally normal.
This always happens.
Yeah, yeah.
When you have the FBI raid the former president, this is normal.
This is normal.
So, yeah.
So Axios reports that in one of Trump's team filings, they wrote that the FBI authorized under the Justice Department policy to use deadly force, but this is typical department policy, the Washington Post notes.
And also a former assistant director of counterintelligence at the FBI noted that every FBI operations order contains a reminder of FBI deadly force policy.
So basically they're saying we're allowed to use deadly force all the time.
So it's totally fine.
That's fair.
I don't think that's quite the...
Is that just like in the small print, though?
Like one of those things where terms and agreements that nobody actually looks when you click the possibly.
Yeah, they're all clicking accepts.
I accept these terms of agreement.
And then they're like, well, then now you have to shoot Trump.
This is like going into like a tax person's office and they just have all these forms on their file, in their files on computer and they go, oh, you need to do a 1040 easy and a 1022 and whatever, and 1099, okay, click, click, click, print, print, print, and then, okay, okay, go raid the president.
Yeah, right.
Right.
So it's, it's kind of strange to me that, because they're executing a search warrant.
Obviously, you know, agents would be allowed to defend themselves if hypothetically Trump came out guns blazing an M16.
But do you really have to put that in your documents saying you're allowed to protect yourself?
I mean, can it just be assumed?
Yeah, wouldn't it just be assumed?
And also, well, is this just more of a threat then?
Of like, don't come out with your guns blazing Trump?
Maybe.
I don't know.
He wasn't even there when they showed up.
So that was a close one.
That was a close one.
He could have died.
They were saying, oh, he's got a gun.
He's just pointing at them.
You know, finger guns are dangerous.
So that's wild.
Big news, allegedly.
It kind of feels like we are not the country we once were.
What makes you say that?
Well, just the idea that you have somebody, like it used to be where presidents would do illegal stuff all the time.
Yeah.
And then they would just cover it up and be like, oh, no, don't worry about it.
Well, I mean, like, think of all the things that George W. Bush probably did, Barack Obama probably did.
They started all these wars.
There's all this corruption going on.
Yeah.
So, yeah, Biden's acting like it's a big deal the way Trump's acting, but his predecessor did probably worse things.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah.
Hey, Bettina, is there any other news that happened?
Another day, another breaking news story buried.
They'd rather talk about anything else than what's really going on.
It's not because they don't know what's happening.
The media pundits and talking heads just don't want you paying attention.
The real stories, you have to look behind the headlines for them.
You know, the truth is being covered up.
I learned that from the X-Files.
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Well, Boeing is not working very well again, falling out of the sky.
So plane fell 6,000 feet out of the sky, killing one injuring 30 on a flight from London to Singapore.
So the seatbelt light came on, but suddenly everyone that wasn't wearing a seatbelt just got thrown up into the ceiling, smashed through the overhead panels and everything.
Oxygen mass falling.
Guy died from a heart attack.
I thought the news was going to be about how terrible it was people were going to Singapore.
Isn't Singapore cool?
Don't they have those like fancy gardens?
I don't know.
I just think of everywhere as a third world country.
It's probably not.
For our Singapore listeners, I apologize.
Rude.
So yeah, Boeing still gets a lot of bad news.
Do you think it was their fault too?
Did they put the pocket in the sky that made the plane fall?
Well, is that why it fell?
Yeah, from what I read of the story, it was like the seatbelt light came on like a split second right before everything went crazy.
So it's like they probably saw something up ahead and they're like, oh, we better put on our seatbelts, everybody.
I don't know.
How do you see that up ahead, I guess?
How do pilots know?
Like they look up ahead and they see like, okay, we're about to drop.
There's less air right there.
You're going to fall.
Yeah.
Can they see?
Do they have special vision?
Well, I assume they have special instruments, but the idea of falling 6,000 feet.
That's a lot of feet.
That's a lot of feet all at once.
Do people pay for that on those skydiving planes where they go up and down?
You know, that's what I was wondering.
Was there like a second of weightlessness and they're like, oh, this is awesome.
And then, wham.
This is a really sad story.
I know.
Why did you put this on here, guys?
Because Boeing is still in the news.
I don't know.
I wonder what the Pope has to say about it.
So the Pope, he went on 60 Minutes recently, and this kind of became a big controversy on the interwebs on Twitter, or I guess X.
It's X now, the everything app.
He went on 60 Minutes and says, we are all fundamentally good.
There are a few rogues and sinners, but the heart is fundamentally good.
So even Boeing is fundamentally good.
Even Boeing.
That's wild.
Yeah.
So this kind of became a controversy on X with Protestant Christians who are like reading their Bibles and they go, wait a minute, the Bible says that our hearts are not good.
Right.
They're deceitful and wicked, and who can understand them?
And the Pope is like out there saying, we are fundamentally good.
Well, he's the Pope.
He knows everything, right?
So we're wrong, obviously.
So allegedly in the same interview, he did confirm we are all sinners.
So is this just an element of terrible miscommunication on the part of the Pope?
Or does he just not know what he's saying?
Your thoughts?
Oh, I think he does know what he's saying.
I think Catholics do have a theology where there is room for some amount of good to still reside in us.
Because for them, like Protestants are real big on justification by faith alone and that God has to basically intervene in your life with grace in order to bring you out of your sin.
And for Catholics, it's more of a synergistic view where your goodness and God's grace kind of meet together.
It kind of reminds me of things like where like the Pope tends to say things and Catholics will defend him.
They say, oh, he got taken out of context.
He really means he's talking about this very narrow, you know, subset of things.
He's not talking about sin or original sin or the sin in our hearts.
He's talking about on a fundamental level, God made us good.
We're made in the image of God.
So I can kind of understand how from a certain point of view, okay, what the Pope is saying is true.
But the way he throws things out there, the reporter on 60 Minutes was asking him, like, what gives you hope?
Like, when you look around the world and you see all this bad stuff, like, what gives you hope?
And he goes, people are good.
Oh.
And you're like, what?
That's not, yeah.
There's a few sinners, but people are good.
The heart's good.
And when you say things like that in such wide sweeping terms, it's like it's hard to, you can step into trouble doctrinally, I think.
Even when he confirms, hey, okay, well, we are all sinners and we all need a savior, but then he says that he's really contradicting himself, I would think.
This kind of reminds me of a time, this is probably like five or six years ago where there's a poor little boy.
His dad had died, and he's telling the Pope in this crowd at this event, my dad was an atheist.
My dad was not a believer, but we were all baptized as kids in our family.
And my dad died.
Where is my dad?
Basically, like, is my dad in heaven?
And the Pope kind of like asks the crowd, well, it sounds like he was a good dad, right?
And the crowd goes, yeah.
And he's like, well, there's your answer.
You know, it's just, so that whole, that whole thing where he basically implies like your profession of belief doesn't matter.
He even said, like, he went as far as say he was a good dad.
He had a good heart.
So there's your answer.
And it's like.
I don't know, though, because if you're put in a spot with a kid saying, where's my dad?
It's Pope going to be like, sorry, daddy's in hell.
Like, that's terrible.
He's put in a very awkward position.
So, but it's one of those things where he's the Pope.
He's the Pope.
I would expect better from a guy who's like, hey, I'm the Pope.
What is he going to say?
You have to have some sort of humanity right then, right?
Plick it aside later and be like, sorry.
The right thing to do, every time someone asks me if someone's in hell, which happens all the time, I always say no comment.
And that's just, that's just my blanket statement.
So you have to do that if they ask you if they're in heaven too.
Just no comment.
Well, I think you can say in general terms, you can say, you know, because I've had this in my life where someone has died that I've known and it's like, oh man, they weren't, I'm pretty sure they weren't a believer and I don't know what happened really.
You can say in general terms, well, trust the goodness of God, trust his grace, trust that he's a, he's a, he's a, and also, even as a judge, he's a good judge.
He's never going to do anything that's wrong.
Right.
And so you have to ultimately you have to just trust God and trust God with that situation.
Yeah, because no matter where that person's soul ended up, God is good and it was a righteous judgment.
Right.
And you can say you can trust God in that.
You wouldn't go to the crowd and be like, well, what do you guys think, huh?
But is that atheist dad in heaven?
No comment.
She gets it.
She gets it.
During the ongoing Trump trial, it was also pointed out that Michael Cohen, which was, I believe, Trump's former attorney, he admitted on the stand to stealing money from the Trump organization in the amount of approximately 30,000 space bucks, which unfortunately for the prosecution damaged his credibility as a witness.
So while doing this, basically he didn't just go, I stole money.
So just over the course of questioning, what happened is that Cohen claimed that Trump had promised to reimburse him for fronting money to bury stories which would be harmful to the Trump campaign, like the Stormy Daniels incident or the Arrakis affair.
And so he was quoted as saying, What I was doing, I was doing at the direction of and benefit of Mr. Trump.
So that's the part where it's like, oh, Trump looks bad because, but Cohen later testified that he pocketed $30,000 of the $50,000 he had received from the Trump organization and then gave about $20,000 to the tech firm called Red Finch, which previously worked for the Trump organization.
So he testified this.
It's a little confusing because he's just saying, oh, this is what I did with the money.
But when he says, oh, I pocketed some of it, it's like, oh, you, you stole it then.
That's your money.
Yeah.
So part of the story is that Trump was using Cohen to move money around for him.
It's like, hey, here's some money.
And the allegation is that he spent a bunch of money making that Stormy Daniels go away.
And then he used some of the money to, I think this Red Finch thing was a way of like bumping him up in the polls through artificial means so that during the presidential campaign, he would pop up on the one, two, three spot of polling numbers.
And so Cohen is testifying.
He's like, here's how I move the money around.
This is what I did.
But then at the same time, they're like, did you use all the money that way?
He's like, no, I kept some of it.
See, I have this idea that maybe he's kind of like doing all of this on purpose where he's like, I got stuff against Trump, but he's really being a dumb, lame witness.
So on purpose.
On purpose for Trump's benefit.
I mean, I kind of read it like that.
This is all kind of planned out.
Well, I read something on an article.
I don't know if it was this article, but it was that Trump had promised him like a $150,000 bonus for something, but then he's reduced it to $50,000.
And so Michael Cohen was testifying that, well, he felt he was entitled to some more money.
So he just started keeping money from Trump.
So, so I don't know.
I guess that, I guess, I don't know how that affects the case against Trump.
Like, if does that mean that he's a liar and he's a thief?
I think the defense attorneys would say, ah, well, he did this.
So he's not credible.
Yeah, but I think that's part of the ploy, though.
Maybe.
But at the same time, it's also like, well, if he did do that and steal the money, it's like, well, he still did both things.
I feel like all this proves is that all these people are horrible people.
Correct.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But that's a lot better than having microplastics in your body.
So apparently, microplastics were found in every human testicle on the planet.
On the planet?
How did they check every human testicle?
That's what I want.
That's the real story.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It was just a study of 23 human testicles and 47 dog testicles.
Dogs, too?
That just raises more questions.
Like, why is there an odd number of testicles?
Yeah, 23.
Well, I don't think they're testing both.
It's probably just like one from each cadaver.
Hopefully, cadaver.
A pair, 23 pairs.
I don't think they're testing.
Or was someone just missing?
That's what I'm asking.
I don't know.
That's so weird.
And then 47 dog ones.
Where are the dogs getting it from?
I mean, obviously, something came out of this study that is interesting.
So I'm not going to say it was a waste of time, but I'm just curious.
Like, I'm going to study testicles today.
That's what I got my grant for.
Like, why not just the whole body?
Or, you know, yeah, like, why wouldn't they check hearts or lungs or like, you know, like, I'm going to look at testicles.
The most important thing.
Because all the, you know, population has been declining.
They've been having such issues with birth rates and everything, and people pregnant.
So microplastics would affect the birth rate.
Yeah, because plastics are supposed to be an endocrine disruptor and so jacks your hormones all up.
And so I kind of think that might be possibly.
This is why we have a nurse on the podcast.
I'm like really worried about this story.
I don't want plastics in my testicles.
Is that just because you're saying testicles over and over again?
Are we allowed to say that on this podcast?
We'll just bleep it.
Cajones.
Cajones.
But there's like, there's no way to avoid it, right?
There's just, is it in everything?
Well, saying it's in the air in the water.
Yeah.
Well, well, like we're getting microplastics right now.
Like, are we inhaling it?
Everything's made of plastic now.
Are these from these microphones?
We're inhaling.
In our bottled water.
Well, but you're okay according to this study.
Because it only testicles.
Right.
I mean, I can't assume anything, I guess.
Not, not, it's 2024.
The year is 2024.
Do you do you think that if we just swap everything over to like paper straws, will that fix it?
But then we'll just have micro paper in our testicles.
I mean, won't we just have something else?
No, all die of dehydration because they just disintegrate before you can do anything.
I like the idea, this mental image of you have a paper straw and you're like, ah, it broke because it's a paper straw and they're terrible.
And then it's like, but I also can't just drink out of the cup.
It's the straw was my only recourse for hydration.
And now it is gone forever.
Well, let's take a break from the news.
Let's talk about something a little more pleasant.
Like the banger of the week.
Banger of the week.
So the article that was the absolute banger was support for 19th Amendment decreases sharply.
Is that the one about alcohol prohibition?
I think it's about women.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, the 19th.
Okay.
19th.
Is that the one where women can vote?
So we don't want women voting now.
This is the story.
Well, this joke only works if you understand what happened with the congresswomen in a House hearing recently.
Oh, yeah.
Because, and there's a picture for our audio listeners, a picture, like a split image of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, a person I don't know, and then Magic the Gathering, all talking to each other, or yelling, rather.
Getting all ghetto.
So I understand you guys haven't seen this video.
So let's take a watch.
Do we really have to?
Yes.
Just a little bit.
I haven't seen it yet.
I'm excited.
I was like purposefully avoiding it.
I'd like to know if any of the Democrats on this committee are employing Judge Marshawn's daughter.
So you're telling me what that has to do with Mary Garland.
These are so catty.
Wait for it.
Do you know what we're here for?
You know we're here.
I don't think you know what we're here for.
Well, you want us talking about it.
No, I mean, nothing.
What?
Order, Mr. Chairman.
Order on your committee.
Order.
Please.
There's a point of order.
We have a point of order.
Mr. Lynch, state your point.
I do have a point of order, and I would like to move to take down Ms. Green's words.
That is absolutely unacceptable.
How dare you attack the physical appearance of another person?
Are your feelings hurt?
Baby girl.
Baby girl.
So that's why I was seeing that on the internet.
Baby girl.
I second that motion.
So, so outraged.
All right.
We're suspending.
How dare you?
Ms. Green agrees to strike her words.
I believe she should apologize.
No, no, no, Church.
She should apologize.
Make her apologize.
I'm not apologizing.
I am not apologizing.
How long does this go?
Why don't you debate me?
Mr. Chairman.
What is going on?
The minority self-evident.
Yeah, you're not born.
You don't have enough intelligence.
Whoa.
Okay, move on.
Order.
That's two requests to strike.
That's two requests to strike.
Oh, they cannot take the words.
There's another motion to strike her words again.
Okay, so here's the correct part of you.
Ms. Green, do you ask Udanis to consent?
Do you agree to Udanus consent to extract your words?
I repeat again for the second time.
Yes, I'll strike my words.
Mr. Chair, point no order.
Oh, no.
Wait for it.
Ms. Crockett.
I'm telling you, just to better understand your ruling, if someone on this committee then starts talking about somebody's leech blind, bad-built Bush body, that would not be engaged in personality for it.
A what now?
I make a motion to strike those words.
I don't think that's a question.
I'm trying to find clarification on what qualified.
Chairman, motion is like you guys earlier literally just.
You just voted to do it.
You're not even voting to do it.
Calm down.
Why are you making me watch this?
I feel like I'm in a clockwork orange with my eyes peeled open.
Fame the gavel, man.
Jerry Springer.
It is kind of like that.
They need to start fighting and pulling each other's hair.
This is exactly where we are at as a nation.
Yes.
This guy's trying to send it.
Does this just keep going forever?
Yeah, I think that's probably enough.
Well, that's probably enough.
Okay.
Those are the main highlights.
I am proud of our nation currently.
Yes.
Yes.
So the joke is that that would only happen.
That only happens because of women.
And therefore.
So we need to get rid of the 19th Amendment.
I get it.
Okay.
That's our banger of the week?
That's our banger.
Wow.
It did well.
People saw that clip and they were like, man, let's get rid of the 19th Amendment.
That's a bit harsh, right?
But that's the joke.
So in this room, only two of us would vote in that situation.
And you would vote wrong.
What?
Well, I mean, it almost didn't matter, right?
Because women just control their husbands to vote.
That is true.
Bettina, would you be in favor of repealing the 19th Amendment if that means that Marjorie Taylor Greene and Ocasio Cortez and the third lady would never be congresswomen?
I think we should actually start having middle.
Whoa.
Oh, go even further.
Yeah.
Okay.
Take it further, make it more entertaining, make some money out of it.
Are we allowed to see?
Kickball.
I think we're going to bleep this whole segment.
So later, Dan's going to go and edit this.
So everyone feel bad for Dan.
I feel bad for our nation.
Yeah.
Well, maybe what would cheer you up is talking about the bomb of the week.
Oh, yeah.
bomb of the week bomb of the week.
Uh, so this one bombed.
This is man still waiting for puzzle solving skills.
He developed playing Myst to become useful.
I feel like this is like very hyper-specific to like one person in the office.
Which one of you is the super nerd?
Like who played Myst a lot and then they're like sitting at their desk going, man, I'm never going to use this.
So did you play Myst?
I don't even know what that is.
Oh, it's a computer game?
It's a point-and-click computer game.
Yes.
Where the puzzle adventure with, yeah, just puzzles.
I'm not a huge fan of Myst because I feel all the puzzles are abstract.
You're just kind of like trying to solve a mystery about these two brothers trapped in a book in two books.
And then it's just like hit a lever here.
A thing on the other side of the island does a thing.
So this is your article.
No, it was not.
So you get dropped into this island and you just do random things to see what they do.
And then you have no, there's no.
That's how I felt about it.
Like you push a lever or you push a button.
You're going to get on the wall if you push the wrong lever?
I don't think so.
So not even.
It's like a giant escape room.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So there's an appeal, but it's thematically, I found it wanting.
But Brandon loves Myst.
So you get into your mid-30s and you go, man, that was all for nothing.
Right.
Unless you play an escape room then, right?
You should be a master.
Oh, yeah.
It's preparing you for escape room.
When are we doing that?
We need to do one of those.
Like a company escape room?
We should just turn the office into an escape room.
And then people can't leave.
Oh, wait.
I don't like that part.
Well, you know what?
That was good.
I think that that one deserved to not be the bomb of the week.
That's pretty funny.
I mean, I'm going to stand up for it.
It's a little inside jokey for sure, but I like it.
How big was Myst when it came out in the 90s?
Was it like the number one selling computer game of all time?
I don't know about that, but it was very popular.
It was very big.
It was huge.
But it was just so long ago that people don't remember it.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, I think that's part of it.
And they haven't made a sequel in a thousand years.
So, well, I think it's time we should move on and debut a brand new, exciting segment to the podcast.
Are you excited, Bettina?
So excited.
So we're calling it Red Lobster Facts.
Pause for applause.
So, Dan, would you like to read today's exciting Red Lobster fact?
Yeah.
Yes, I would, Travis.
And now for today's Red Lobster Fact, Red Lobster has closed 93 locations and filed for bankruptcy.
This has been Red Lobster Facts.
Pause for applause.
So for all of you fans out there, please send in your favorite Red Lobster memories to podcast at BabylonB.com while there's still time because some of the locations are still open.
Act now.
So we had some debate when we introduced the segment last week.
About why it's called Fight Club?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So Fight Club or are we calling it Fight Dome?
Oh, because it's more like Thunder Dome, right?
Because when you say two things enter, one leaves, that's not really Fight Club rules.
Fight Dome or Thunder Club.
Oh, I didn't hear Thunder Club.
That's a good one, too.
Yeah.
Wait, so are we arguing for what we're for?
Well, two things enter.
That's not the two things that are entering.
The rule is two things enter, one leaves.
And we have to choose.
So this week, we're debating microplastics in your testicles or asbestos in the walls.
Which is better?
Testicles.
Is it?
I'm just curious the physics of this.
How do they enter and leave?
Gross.
I'm going to go with asbestos is better.
You'd rather have asbestos.
Yeah, because it can cause cancer, right?
But it's technically only if you rupture the wall and it kind of comes out.
You breathe it in.
Yeah.
The dust.
And also, even though that's terrible, it will not eradicate the, you know, the birth rate.
You can still have babies with asbestos in your lungs.
Yes.
Yeah.
So you don't have a children of men future.
Right.
Remember that?
Yeah, I think I'm with you.
I would rather have asbestos in the walls again.
Yeah.
Of course, we're biased.
That's true.
Bettina, what would you prefer?
I just don't want there to be plastic in me at all.
That really bothers me.
It's already in you.
It's already embedded.
I already have like millions of particles that are now a part of me.
It's like midichlorians.
Yeah, that's.
So it's like, oh, he has a microplastic count higher than Yoda.
Wait, so then it's good then, right?
Well, I guess.
Don't you have like plastic powers then?
Yeah, plastic powers.
Plastic powers.
That's where the plastic man comes from.
What does he do?
He stretches.
I thought that was Stretch Armstrong.
He's a plastic man?
There's plastic man.
He was in the comic books.
Like DC or Marvel?
I think he was in DC.
Is he a bad guy or a good guy?
No, he's a good guy.
Really?
That's a super lame.
He's a superhero.
I know.
It's weird that he's called Plastic Man because you don't think of plastic stretching.
That's what he does.
That's a really weird power.
Yeah.
That's all he can do is stretch?
Yeah.
It's like he's really good at yoga.
Yeah, he's really, he's really good at yoga.
He's really cheating.
He's not getting any benefits from it.
So there's really no point in doing yoga for Plastic Man.
He'd be really terrible at strength training, but really good at stretching.
But can he stretch his muscles and become stronger?
That's my question.
Bettina, your thoughts?
I don't think you can stretch it if you're stretching them out.
They just get thinner and stretched out.
You're not making them wider.
So do you actually get weaker?
Because I would imagine you would, technically.
I guess Plastic Man doesn't have to worry about plastic being his testicles.
Tiny plastic children.
And now for another exciting news segment.
We're just busting out segments here.
Hey, let's check in with community notes on X, the everything app.
That's probably the best, the single best thing that Elon has done for X, Twitter.
He came out with community notes.
And so before, when you'd have CNN or MSNBC or whoever, Fox News, they would just post like ridiculous, outlandish claims.
And then people would just move on.
Be like, well, I guess that's what happened.
The news said this.
And now they post something like that on X, not Twitter.
And it immediately gets like fact-checked in real time.
Yeah.
And it's amazing.
And it's a community fact-check.
It's not like political fact or something like that.
So this tweet that got, I'm sorry, this X that got fact-checked is from Jacobin.
And their X says, man, that is the heart.
No, their tweet says, infamous for its starvation wages, Walmart just posted staggering first quarter profits.
The surge is a result of a strategic shift toward catering to affluent shoppers.
Well, it's full-time workers continue to rely on Medicaid and food stamps.
Well, that sounds terrible.
I have questions.
Is Walmart shifted toward catering to affluent shoppers now?
Ooh, do you feel affluent now?
Like, am I rich now?
I shop at Walmart, so does that make me affluent?
I always thought Target was the affluent Walmart.
Target.
Target, yes.
Especially super Target.
Superb Target.
Okay, so Jacobin is saying that Walmart's getting record profits, but they're paying their people nothing.
That's what they're saying?
Yes.
Okay, and then it got community noted.
It says readers added context that they thought that people might want to know.
And it says, Walmart non-corporate associates' average hourly wage is $17.50 an hour with full-time benefits.
Dude, they've got benefits?
Yeah.
Wow.
For full-time.
For full-time.
Okay.
Jacobin pays writers seven cents per word.
So a Jacobin writer would have to write 250 words an hour continuously to make the same wage as a Walmart associate, but without benefits.
So I like how this community note is just essentially making fun of Jacobin or Jacobin or however you pronounce it.
Because it doesn't really.
It's not correcting anything about the Walmart claim.
It's just like, but they're terrible.
Like, what planet are you from where $17.50 is starvation wages?
California.
Well, that's.
But I mean, like, starvation wages, meaning like you can't afford to buy rice and beans or like you can't, I don't know.
You can't afford non-plastic infused food.
Yeah.
So it's funny because Jacobin, or how are we pronouncing it?
That way.
Sure.
I want to go with Jacobin because it sounds funny.
Okay.
Jacobin.
According to their Twitter profile, Jacobin offers socialist perspectives on politics, economics, and culture.
So that's funny because they're socialists.
And they don't pay their own people.
Right.
Now, to play devil's advocate a little bit, it's very likely they just pay per article and it's designed for freelance writers and they don't have like a full-time staff, but maybe they do.
I don't know.
You should be writing right now.
Otherwise, you're going to go broke.
Yeah.
But that's something that the socialists always say.
Like if you can't pay your people enough, then you should just close your business and not have a business.
That is correct.
Well, they even have a print magazine.
Is it a visit magazine?
I don't know.
People still make print magazines.
See, that's just wrong if they don't pay their people enough.
Pure evil.
Jacobin is evil.
Send your hate mail to Jacobin.
Hey, Bettina, what should we talk about next?
Ooh, can we do hate mail?
Oh, that's a great idea.
You used to be good.
Adam Ford.
Adam Ford.
I really miss Adam Ford.
I'm glad you just now thought of it.
I know.
I'm very brilliant.
Thank you.
So last week, they called the Bees Jews, but this week we're Hitler.
What?
How can we be both?
Don't know how we do both those things.
We are very talented.
Jewish Hitler.
You do not, under any circumstances, have to hand it to Hitler.
Oh, they're mad.
So the context of this is that somebody on Twitter, who's probably not a big fan of us in general, they posted, I am as perplexed as you to report that the Babylon Bee has had several good jokes recently.
So they're checking our website or our feed on X and they're going, wow, there's some good jokes.
Like, I normally don't like these guys.
And this guy says, you don't have to hand it to Hitler.
Yeah.
You're not allowed to say that we're funny.
Wow.
Well, what are these articles that they picked out as being good jokes?
This is the one about Seinfeld, the organizer of Walkout against Jerry Seinfeld revealed and it's Newman.
Yeah.
That's pretty funny.
And the other one is Trump Assures Jury Stormy Daniels was way hotter back then.
That's because of the terrible sketch I was.
She was way hotter back then.
Trust me.
You got to believe me.
Her appearance is not admissible in court.
And then there was the one with when Trump had that crazy mug shot when he got arrested.
And then I don't see the rest of the headline here, but it was something about he went to the mall to get like the laser background.
Yeah, that was pretty funny.
That was funny.
And then another one was an absolute banger.
The Babylon Bee has announced we will lend struggling satire site the onion, one of our two jokes.
So that was a very good self-aware joke.
The article is fantastic.
So another piece of hate mail came in from Jared, a B fan.
He says, Babylon B, I suppose this is my first hate mail because I'm going to complain about inappropriate use of the word.
We're going to bleep this or wait, but we can use it in our articles.
We can use it on our article.
Why can't we say it here?
It is a medical device.
It's a product, right?
So, okay, use of the word douche.
You don't have to say it like that.
I don't like saying it, but it is a thing.
So he's complaining about that, the word in the article, 10 real life examples of why American measurements are better than the communist metric system.
The line in the offending article about one douche being equal to 3.27 Simon Cowles, what I find unacceptable is that douche can be written in an article, but I am prohibited from writing that word in the comments and instead had to write D-O-O-S-H, which is pronounced douche.
I like how he had to get around.
He's like, he figured it out.
I can write it this way.
And he continues to say, as penance for this impropriety, I hope that hate mail will be featured on each Babylon Bee podcast in the future.
Thanks for another great podcast last week and for the hard work you all put into keeping the word world informed of stupid things that deserve mockery.
Respectfully, Jared.
Well, thanks, Jared.
Thanks for writing us.
We're sorry that you can't write douche on the website.
We'll have to look into that.
I don't know if we want to.
This is the most the word douche has been ever said on the podcast.
Yeah.
It does seem hypocritical, doesn't it?
That in the comments, we don't allow it, but then we say it.
That's going to make me think.
Well, it's a catch-all, too, because usually, even though it is a medical device, as you put, people use it as an insult.
And so it's a catch-all, like, ah, we don't want insulting words.
You can use a lot of things that are insulting, though.
Name one.
Call you a pig.
That's not insulting.
Pigs are smart.
What about worm face toad?
Worm face toad?
Well, thanks for watching.
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