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May 17, 2024 - Babylon Bee
59:12
Planet Of The Orcas

The Babylon Bee Podcast is back and apparently a gang of killer whales has taken over the world. Woke Jesus came out, Jerry Seinfeld gave a speech, and the Trump court sketch artists are having a field day. The Bee got fact checked again, there's Fight Club, and, of course, hate mail. This episode is brought to you by My Patriot Supply: http://PrepareWithBee.com  

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The Babylon Bee Podcast.
Hey everyone, welcome to the Babylon Bee Podcast, the only podcast that covers the news.
I'm Kyle Mann, the editor-in-chief of the Babylon Bee, and I am sitting here with Travis.
Hi, I'm a writer.
And I am also sitting here with Brandon.
Hello.
Good morning to all of you listening in the morning, and good evening to all of those listening at night and afternoon and every other time of day, depending on when you're listening to this.
What if they're in space?
What time is it in space, Brandon?
Universal Time set.
Yeah, there's universal space-time.
I like in all sci-fi how they try to like relate things.
It's like English becomes, what is it, Universal Basic?
Just to make things easier.
In time, they're like a Coruscant Standard Time or whatever.
It's a Coruscant Standard Day, and that's like 24 hours, and that's how it can still relate to us.
Because Coruscant is the center of the galaxy.
Because if you had real sci-fi, like it was actually like hard sci-fi, you'd be like, I'm three years old.
I would like to reach out.
I would like to retract my statement of universal time because actually I have this, I want to live on a spaceship because there is no real time and I don't abide by normal time, sleeping time and waking time and working time.
So I would like to abolish the notion of universal time and just have spaceship time.
Yeah, we're going to start holding our company Zoom meetings at 3 a.m. so that Brandon will make it.
That's my most alert time.
We will all work on your schedule.
Okay, thank you.
Oh, we'll all just work around your schedule.
Thank you.
Speaking of Galactic Basic Time, it's been a while since we've had a podcast.
Yeah.
We've all been busy.
We've been off filming things and playing Sonic Adventure.
Playing mostly Sonic Adventure.
And because we've been traveling so far through space, it hasn't been that long for us, but it's been thousands of years for the Planet of the Apes.
Oh, that's fictional.
That was just an interstellar.
And Planet of the Apes.
And also Planet of the Apes.
Is that a thing in Planet?
Is that the whole reason that they come back to Earth?
I've never seen Planet of the Prime Minister.
Charlotte and Heston goes into outer space and they just try, you know, relativity.
They go really far and then he starts.
Oh, I didn't realize that it was because of relativity that they come back to Earth.
Yeah, okay.
And he didn't realize they went back to Earth.
I don't know how that happened.
They just got lost.
Oh, we're on a different planet.
Yeah, and then at the end, he finds out, oh, it was Earth all along.
I knew the spoiler for it, but I didn't realize it had to do with relativity.
Well, it's like when you're going out on a road trip and you exit for gas or for snacks or whatever, and then you get back on the freeway and you realize you're going the wrong way.
And so that's what happened in space.
He stopped.
Exactly.
He stopped at moon 7-Eleven and then got turned around and ended up going back towards Earth.
Right, right.
And it's just like how in Interstellar, you know, time, the time difference.
So he didn't age, but his daughter did, and she turned into an ape, remember?
You're right.
Planet of the apes.
He came back and he went, ah, you blew it up.
Another day, another breaking news story buried.
They'd rather talk about anything else than what's really going on.
It's not because they don't know what's happening.
The media pundits and talking heads just don't want you paying attention.
The real stories, you have to look behind the headlines for them.
You know, the truth is being covered up.
I learned that from the X-Files.
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Well, speaking of Planet of the Apes, we just had Mother's Day, and that was fun.
And it was a great time.
Great transition.
Great time for all.
That was a great transition.
Did you take your mother to see Kingdom of the Apes?
I did not.
I did not.
I did not either.
No.
I took my daughter to see Godzilla Cross King Kong.
On Mother's Day?
No.
Oh, just unrelated.
Honey, you have the other kids.
We're going to go see King Kong.
She wanted to see Baby King Kong.
And we looked up the adult ratings and like, oh, it's okay.
Oh, okay.
Well, Mother's Day was nice.
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there.
And it was good.
I just came back from Hawaii.
I was on vacation.
For Mother's Day?
Well, no, but I did, as a Mother's Day gift to my wife, leave her there.
Wait, she's still there?
No, she's back now.
Oh, okay.
But I did leave her there through Mother's Day.
So it's like, I don't know what to get you for Mother's Day.
So you just don't come home, right?
But she was able to escape from Hawaii.
Yes.
It was a whole thing.
It's a movie.
It doesn't elaborate a scene.
With Kurt Russell.
With Kirby Russell, starring Kurt Russell.
But I saw Pearl Harbor for the first time and got to go out and see the USS Arizona.
And, you know, we did that list on the Babylon B of acceptable reasons for a man to cry.
And I would like to add Pearl Harbor to that list.
Because it's not on there.
It says World War II Memorial and Vietnam Memorial to other locations where I allegedly cried.
But I would like to add Pearl Harbor to that.
Pearl Harbor's a good one.
And basically, any place in time that you cry, you are also adding to Philip.
As editor-in-chief of the balance, it's like, oh, when you stubbed your toe, it really hurts.
I don't remember.
I don't remember that list.
Did we have the Alamo on it?
I don't think Di Alamo is on there.
Did you cry at the Alamo?
Yeah, but I was also a child and I stubbed my toe.
It wasn't because of the Alamo.
I was just like, I was just crying.
It is okay to cry at the Alamo.
Parentheses.
Only if you stub your toe.
Not for the reason of doing it.
So we have the new Woke Jesus sketch out, which was fun to shoot.
And actually, I wasn't there.
Was it fun to shoot?
It was moderately fun to shoot.
No, it was a good shoot.
Good crew of people and actors.
Yeah.
Can we play it?
Should we play it?
Is that what we're going to do?
We can.
Let's take a watch.
Everybody, let's take a watch, Ed.
Whoop, Jesus.
If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn and offer the other also.
Unless they're a Republican, then you can feel free to punch them in the face.
Let the children come unto me, and do not hinder them.
Unless they might be born into poverty, or they might be an inconvenience to your party lifestyle.
In that case, feel free to murder them in the womb.
Haven't you read that in the beginning, God created them male and female and genderqueer, femboy, trans man, trans woman, to spirit.
You have heard that it was said, hate your enemies.
But I see to you.
This is correct.
And here's a handy little chart to help you understand who your enemy is based on Marxist intersectionality theory.
As the Lord was setting out on a journey, a certain young man approached him.
My lord, what must I do to be saved?
Be less white.
But the man went away sad, for he was very white.
My lord, if you had been here, my brother Lazarus would not have died.
Do not be afraid.
But Lazarus will live again through this mail-in ballot.
By gender.
Non-binary.
Demi-boy.
Omni-gender.
Pangender.
Xenogender.
Someone who I identifies as a large ornate building.
I'm the way.
The truth.
And the life.
No one comes to the Father except by reducing their carbon footprint and getting vaccinated 12 times.
Like me.
Cancel your enemies.
Curse those who bless you.
And burn down the whole country if you don't get your way.
Tater tot gender, ghost boy, tri-spirit, weather gender, trans femme, polyfluid, dolphin man, yodel boy, uh, Goomba sexual.
It's a miracle!
Jesus has multiplied the fish in the loaves!
No, no, my son.
I've merely stolen it from that village over there.
It's called wealth redistribution.
Pretty sweet, huh?
Nice.
Would you like to be healed, my son?
Yes, of course, Jesus.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Then fear not.
For I have supported a new healthcare bill that will force you to buy insurance.
Because I am a good person.
By this, they will know that you are my disciples.
If you have one of these yard signs, or you wear a Ukraine pin, or you put one of these human rights campaign stickers on your camel.
Here, take one.
Super sticky.
The poor you will always have with you.
This is because of capitalism.
Eat the rich!
Infiniqueer Baristaqueer.
Cocaine bear gender.
Marvel sexual hyperqueer hedgehog brony.
And last but not least, by curious Demigokin.
What about Shrek gendered?
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Shrek gendered too.
Yeah.
Whatever you guys want.
Make them all up.
Fine.
Those are totally things Jesus wouldn't say, which is the joke.
I have to admit, even though I'm not super comfortable with portrayals of Jesus, that was funny.
Oh, nice.
And you can take that to be big.
But yeah, it's doing numbers and that's been fun.
But it is funny that it's like a lot of those things are the things that actually people will say that Jesus believes, you know?
That's always the argument that socialists use online about.
Yeah.
But then when you actually see it coming out of like, it's like, oh, yeah, this is an image of Jesus.
It's like, oh, yeah, this is weird.
Dan wrote on the notes, did we write anything that couldn't make the cut?
I don't know that we wrote anything that we said, oh, we shouldn't do that because it's too edgy.
But we probably had like 30 different quotes and we called down to the ones that made the most sense.
I thought it made the most.
Because it can't be an hour long.
I mean, it could have been.
It could have been up to 10 hours with YouTube's limits.
10 hours of woke Jesus.
There were a few extra little like side comments or little extra jokes that happened here or there, but it was already a pretty long video.
We had to pare it down and make it a little more streamlined.
Yeah.
And funnier.
Yeah, that too.
Hey, it's time for the banger of the week.
Wow.
Banger of the week.
This is an organizer of walkout against Jerry Seinfeld revealed, which if you're an audio listener is not funny at all.
Yeah.
Because it's a picture of Newman leading the students who walked out against Jerry Seinfeld at Duke University's graduation.
So the walkout actually happened, but the joke is that it's Newman.
Newman is a fictional character.
Yeah, but in reality, it was Dennis Nedry.
Yeah, and he's probably dead.
Wayne Knight?
Is he not dead?
I don't think so.
He looks like one of those overweight actors.
Yeah, the Dilophosaurus got him.
I saw it.
Oh, that's right.
He was in the book.
He was holding his own intestines when he died.
The Dilophosaurus got him, and the can of barbassal dramatically fell down the muddy body.
Was it that the Spit dinosaur?
Yes.
Okay.
So that's the one that spit on his eyes.
And he was like, my eyes, I can't see.
The spit dinosaur is the Latin name.
We call it Dilophosaurus.
It's in English.
Well, I just figured that, you know, sometimes those overweight actors from the early 90s, I just assume that they're dead by now.
So did you hear Jerry Seinfeld's speech?
I did, and I thought it was awesome.
I mean, I only saw four minutes of it or whatever.
Yeah.
I appreciated it as well.
Yeah, he was kind of telling them like everybody's going to tell you that privilege is evil.
And he's like, you should just be thankful for the blessings that you have and the privileges that you have, and you should use them in life to be happy and successful.
Is that the reason that they walked off?
Because they objected to the content of his speech, or did they object to his ethnic heritage?
He's a Jew.
Correct.
And I also think that he had said some statements that they took to be, you know, Zionist propaganda or whatever.
And so all the, you know, Hamas protesters at the.
Did he attend Duke?
I have no idea.
I don't think so.
I very much doubt Jerry Seinfeld did.
Because I think they gave him an honorary degree as part of that.
I always wondered what goes into celebrity speaking at commencement ceremonies.
Like, where did you go to college, Travis?
Cal State San Road, San Bernardino.
And at your graduation, if you could choose the celebrity to speak, who would you have chosen?
And you can't say Sonic.
Well, because he's not a celebrity.
He's just a normal hitchhog.
I would probably, well, my favorite actor is Sam Rockwell.
Okay.
So let's go with him.
Sure.
Yeah.
He went to State University of New York at Oswego, Queens College, City University of New York.
Jerry Seinfeld?
Yeah.
I didn't even think he went to college, to be honest.
I think stand-up comics, you're kind of like, come on.
Yeah.
Well, he got a degree in stand-up comedy.
You know, Jerry Seinfeld's 70?
That's what the Wikipedia is.
Are you serious?
Wow.
Isn't that sad?
Like 10 years, you know?
In 10 years, he could die, and we would just be like, Yeah.
Well, like he's 80.
Well, the day he dies, he's going to get unfortunately a lot of headlines going, What's the deal?
What's that with Jerry Seinfeld dying?
On the topic of celebrities that are significantly older than we would expect them to be, and also not currently dead.
Um, Samuel Christopher Lloyd, uh-huh, Christopher Lloyd, I thought he was dead a long time ago, and then he keeps popping up and things.
And also, he's been old for how since Back to the Future, he's been an old man.
Well, he wore makeup in Back to the Future, yeah.
He was like, He was in his 40s back then, right?
Yeah, Jack Nicholson is made to look like he was in his 70s or Jack Nicholson looks 60 in the shining in the 70s, you know.
It's the hairline, yeah.
I guess it's the hairline.
Yeah, I think he's in his 90s now.
Steve Martin has had uh gray hair since he was a young man.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, so he's always looked old, yeah, um, which made him age gracefully because it's like he looks the same.
That's a good idea, actually.
That's a nice life hack, sweet life hack.
Dye your hair gray when you're 17.
Man, he never ages because he looked old forever because he's always been old.
And Gene Hackman, I think, is 92.
Now that we're talking about old celebrities, it says, What's the worst commencement speech ever on our notes?
On a list of commencement speeches that I have because I know they're just not memorable.
Like, you go to those things and you're like, just please end.
Yeah, I so I will just say the worst that I am aware of is anytime Hillary Clinton speaks.
Oh, I'm pretty sure she's done.
I would remember a commencement speech if it was given by Sonic the Hedgehog, though.
Well, yeah, because I would be like, wow, he exists in real life.
My wife went to her cousin's high school graduation, and the guy that gave the valedictorian or whatever that gave their valedictorian speech, everybody thought was about to shoot up the place because he started like listing grudges and like, and you're all just going to die and go into nothing involved.
And they're all like, oh my gosh, we're going to, we're all about to get blown up.
But they didn't get blown up.
Before we started recording, Dan was telling me a story about how Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke at his commencement.
And then he's like, wait a minute, am I remembering that right?
And he looked it up and it never happened.
If he had a little Biden moment or Christy Noam moment, as we like to call it.
Dan's like, I was riding the Amtrak with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I wonder if there's stories that I've made of that I don't even realize.
I'm sure we all have a little bit.
It's just that our stories are probably a lot smaller and inconsequential.
Have you guys heard of the Christy Noam situation with her book tour going on right now?
Oh, yeah, with the shooting her dog and stuff.
Not only shooting her dog, but also claiming to have met with Kim Jong-un, which she hasn't.
Oh, no, I didn't hear that.
Having that written in her book.
And of course, she didn't write the actual book, but she did narrate the audiobook.
So she had to, at one point, have realized that there was an anecdote about her meeting Kim Jong-un that never happened.
Did Kim Jong-un kill her dog?
Is that how she's conflating the two?
It's possible.
I think so.
It's possible.
And it's in a camp, you know, North Korean camp.
He needs to eat.
Kim got to eat.
Kim got to eat.
Kim gotta eat.
You know what they say.
All right.
We'll talk talking about cringe commitments, commencement speeches.
It's time for the bomb of the week.
Bomb of the week.
Disney World announces new The Chosen roller coaster, which goes underground for three days before rising again.
Like Jesus did.
So this is based on Disney Plus is now showing the chosen.
I think they're streaming the chosen.
I don't think Disney owns the Chosen or they're not actually involved yet.
They just have a contract to like stream it, which I think it's on everything now.
Like you can probably watch it on Amazon Prime or Hulu or whatever.
So, but I don't think, I don't think anybody knew that.
I didn't.
And so, in that context, this doesn't.
Yes.
I kind of assumed when I saw the headline.
Yeah, I kind of assumed, but I was like, okay.
So, why do you think that's still a matter of quiet land?
I think it's because you have to be aware of what's going on.
And it's one of those jokes that, like, it's then an additional layer of, okay, so now there's this roller coaster and then it goes underground, like, kind of like, Jesus.
So it's just too much.
Like, because we did another list that actually did a ton of views that was like, all these nine changes Disney is bringing to the chosen.
Yeah.
You know, we had all the jokes about they're putting Rose Tico in the Chosen and stuff.
And that one did pretty well.
And that one did great.
It's like one of our top viewed articles of the past year.
But that's because Dallas Jenkins shared it on the Chosen Facebook page and everybody thought it was real.
Why didn't he even share this one?
Because it's cringe.
Ouch.
I think one of the other issues is that the water just kind of makes you think, oh, it's going to be about baptism, but then it's not.
And it's just confusing.
Forced baptism.
And as a Church of Christ guy, you need it to be about baptism.
It's all about baptism for you.
Correct.
It's not a real roller coaster if you're not baptized.
That's right.
It's fake.
But no, it's fine.
I did make one change right before we published it.
It said three minutes before Rising again.
And I changed it to three days.
Did that make it worse?
No, I think that makes it funnier.
I thought it made it funnier too.
But I don't know.
It does.
It's just, it's very, there's a lot to digest in the headlines.
There's a lot to take it.
No matter which way, how it's phrased.
I like it, though.
It's not a bad thing.
It's the world's longest roller coaster.
Anytime that's like a bomb, I want to say, I defend it and say it's the best joke ever.
And if it does well, I want to be like, yeah, these.
Okay, let's say this was real.
What's happening for three days while they're underground?
Is it like Carmen's the champion on the on loop?
And it just gets to the countdown and then it resets until the third day.
And then I imagine it's like the Wonka boat ride that scares people into it.
Never knowing where it's going.
Yeah.
It's just that.
I like that that's ingrained in all of our brains from being terrified of it as children.
It's the weirdest part of that movie.
I like this joke more now that I think about these people.
One more ride before we go home, family.
Underground, strapped into a roller coaster for three days, going, oh, gosh, make it.
That's how you get your money's worth.
That's how you get your money's worth.
That's true.
Oh, man.
This is the best article we've ever written.
Do you have to pay for a three-day park hopper to ride that ride?
Yeah.
You have to retroactively do it because they don't know you're going to ride it.
And then if you stay one minute too late, they'll just come and kill you.
That's right.
All right.
Well, the Babylon B has been fact-checked again.
I said again, and you said again.
So you were asking it while I was answering.
He was saying it using Ilhan Omar's intonation.
Again?
Wow.
I did not approve.
So we had an old article that was: Ellen Omar says we can get rid of anti-Semitism by killing all the Jews.
I think something like that.
And so USA Today has published a likely, it's probably a long fact check.
All their fact checks are like a thousand words, which I don't understand why they need that check.
It's like longer than the article.
It's like, this is satire.
That's all you need.
You know, some people thought it wasn't satire, but it is satire.
Fact checked.
And says, no, rep Ilan Omar did not say get rid of the Jews to end anti-Semitism.
She probably did, though.
Like, somewhere else.
Yes, exactly.
Yeah.
So another fact, another day, another fact check.
So, it's time for a brand new segment.
It's called...
Called Fight Club, which we can't talk about.
All right okay next, next segment, next segment.
Um, so I guess two things enter, one leaves, which is more like the Thunderdome, so it's the Fight Dome.
So should we rename it to Thunderdome Copyright?
So in Fight Club it's not two things enter, one leaves.
No, i've never seen Fight Club.
Oh well, probably because someone said we don't talk about it.
You went.
Well, then i'm not going.
Oh, it's that movie, we don't talk about it.
Yeah, i'm like, oh okay, I guess I can't see it.
So this week we're going to talk about whether or not Forbidden Desert is better than Pandemic.
Two board games Enter, One Leaves.
Okay, um well, Pandemic's better.
Well, you told me a little bit about this segment before we started the podcast and I thought there was going to be a long list of things that we were going to choose, so each time it's just one.
I didn't realize it was just Forbidden Desert and Pandemic, like that was the whole, that's the whole thing.
That's why we made you play Forbidden Desert.
It was for work.
Okay, here's what i'll say.
Uh, some of the, there's some interesting mechanics in Forbidden Desert that are kind of streamlined, and I like the theme of it.
Pandemic, I think, has a better rule set, but the theming is not as strong for me personally.
I like finding treasures in the desert versus helping Dr Fauci stuff.
Yeah, I like finding treasures, I like them both.
But Pandemic's got so many moving pieces basically, that I get kind of exhausted setting it up, and Forbidden Desert is just quicker to the table.
I've never read about it.
Yeah, i've never read this little UH subtitle for Pandemic.
It says a new challenge and Pandemic is a challenge and in my estimation I believe it is a fraction, a fraction too challenging.
I wish they would drop the difficulty a little bit and add modifiers to increase the difficulty from the base level.
So I think the base game can be slightly less challenging in order to help UH, facilitate games with more casual players and then for more dedicated players, you can increase the.
Maybe i'm just a genius yeah, but i've never lost a game.
Well, when you play the base, like what I think it's four to four Epidemic cards I don't, I can't lose Pandemic.
There's no way to lose it.
It's very you know what.
Now that I think about it, I don't know if i've actually played Pandemic.
I think i've played Uh, like some of the Pandemic Legacy.
I've played Pandemic Legacy.
I've played uh, the North American version, Hot Zone yeah, it's on Mars.
I've played Clone Wars.
I played Cthulhu.
I don't know if i've actually ever played the Base Pandemic, now that I think about it.
So what's your favorite version of Pandemic Kyle?
Uh, just Pandemic, probably.
But I I like all the iterations and versions.
All of them have something new to offer.
I think Pandemic is the perfect game.
It you could shuffle you the, the shuffle, the discard on top to bring.
When I, whenever I explain this game, I don't tell people that.
I don't tell them that at first and they're like oh okay, so things bad, bad things are happening.
We're going around the board and then i'm like oh, this card came up, what does this do?
And i'm like oh, all those cities that got infected, guess what?
I'm going to shuffle them and i'm going to put them on top of the The deck, and you're like, but that means they're more likely to get drawn next.
And I go, Yeah, you're a smart cookie.
And I think that was the, and I think I read a designer diary from Matt Leecock, who designed this, and he was talking about how that came, you know, partway through the development cycle.
And it was this revelation.
Yeah.
Because before they were just shuffling them all together and you had no idea what was coming up next.
And then he's like, oh, we can give people a hint that, like, yeah, these are the hot zones that are going to pop up.
So I think it's a genius game.
I like Forbidden Desert.
I like all the Forbidden Games.
But to me, Pandemic is perfect.
The Forbidden Games are a little bit too on the simple or random side.
But I agree with the theming because for me, when there's a scale of like, I am this, I want to be this little mini Indiana Jones adventurer in the desert.
And like a big long maps or a big world-scale map where you're going around like curing diseases isn't quite as thematic.
And the forbidden game, which is why I like Pandemic Cthulhu, because you're in this little arch of it.
I think that's probably my favorite version of Pandemic.
That's a fun one.
It's more random, but I do like the theming.
I do want a game called Forbidden Dessert, though.
I was going to say, why didn't they call it Forbidden Pandemic?
Like, why didn't they just continue with the Forbidden theme forever?
Well, I think when Forbidden Island came out, they were trying to get non-gamers.
And it was the first board game I bought when I was getting into board games.
It was Forbidden Island.
It was 12 bucks at the time.
Wow.
Which, thanks, Obama or whoever we met at.
Thanks, Joe Biden.
What year did it come out?
2012.
So it was, well, but now that it's more expensive, like you go buy Forbidden Island now, it's probably 25 bucks or something.
Board games have doubled.
Yeah.
What's the forbidden dessert in your life?
Is it flan?
It's probably dessert.
Yeah.
All dessert?
I had to, yesterday, I unfollowed on Instagram Crumble Cookies because it became too much of a problem looking at cookies.
Proud of you.
There needs to be like a covenant eyes for desserts for desserts that blocks you from seeing them.
I am a sucker for cheesecake.
And like when you bring in cheesecake, Brandon, I'm like, oh, I'll have, I'll try this slice.
And then I'll have three more slices.
And then but I've been making keto cheesecake, so it's okay.
It helps an entire cheesecake and it doesn't do anything.
Speaking of which, when are you going to make another cheesecake?
I'm asking for a friend.
Yeah.
For a friend.
No, Travis.
It's the forbidden dessert.
Forbidden dessert.
All right.
Well, sorry to bore all of you people who are not nerds and don't care about board games, but I don't care.
We are moving on to things in the news.
What's in the news this week?
Kamala Harris.
Did I say her name right or is that the racist way?
Camela.
Is it Camela?
Camel.
Camela.
Okay.
Camela Harris dropped an F-bomb while urging young people to break barriers at a health forum for young Asian Americans.
She said, sometimes you need to commit to this.
I don't know what I'm trying to commit to this impersonation.
Sometimes you just need to kick that effing door down.
Did I nail it?
So thanks.
Sounded specifically.
Where did she go?
Her screen is here.
Do you think this was improvised or do you think this was planned?
I think it was planned.
I think she thought, oh, I'll just look cool, like a she-boss or something.
I feel like absolutely everything with the Camel and Biden administration is planned, except him falling over.
And her saying things that make absolutely no sense.
I think she doesn't plan a lot of the things she says, and which is why she ends up talking in circles.
Yeah.
I do that too, because I don't plan what I think out, what I'm going to say.
Yeah.
Why I say things over and over again because I don't plan out things that I'm going to say, which is why I tend to repeat myself because I don't plan the things that I'm going to say.
Dropping F-bombs is cringe.
And I posted a thread on my thread, a tweet, a post.
I don't know.
They call them X now.
An X. Are we saying Z?
I posted an ex-Z, and I said, if you're a Christian, don't use cuss words.
You know, instead, say fudge or shoot or buy the beard of Spurgeon.
Yeah.
Those are the common replacement words.
How do you guys feel about replacement cuss words?
I think they're fine, certainly, as like a kind of the way like a recovering alcoholic might be like, oh, I need like to wean myself off.
So I think they're good for that.
I don't really have a problem with people using them.
I know some people will be like, but it's basically just the curse where you're using it.
Yeah.
But I say, you know, fudge you.
All day long.
Travis just walks around here just dropping.
Buddha.
I speak fudge bomb.
I have a problem.
Which is also a forbidden dessert.
I have a problem with euphemisms because it's like we're supposed to stay as far away from the appearance of evil as possible.
And I do believe that, I mean, especially taking the Lord's name in vain.
So I feel like I don't think it's inherently a sin to use euphemisms that allude to taking God's name in vain, but I would like to stay as far away from that as possible.
I don't even want to take the chance that someone could even mishear what I'm saying.
And I can get behind that.
I can get behind that concept.
I did have a, I had a thought a few weeks ago, and I talked to Dan about it, and we couldn't quite determine a you never came to a resolution.
Yes, I can't talk.
Like I said, I don't plan out what I'm thinking.
Like Kamala Harris.
So in Christian circles, it's kind of verboten to use the word hell as a curse word, right?
What does verboten mean?
It's not kosher.
It's frowned upon to use the word hell as a curse word, right?
That won't be owned by the Jews.
So we will see.
Oh, kosher.
Kosher, yes.
But at the same time, it's like, why?
Is it because it's a sacred thing that we're trying to say, oh, it's so serious.
The prospect of hell is so serious that we don't want to diminish the idea.
The seriousness of it.
But we'll also say things like, oh, this forbidden dessert is heavenly.
So is that lowering the standards of heaven?
No, because I think it really is a reflection of heaven.
Okay, so is cheap things to be a reflection of hell?
Yes, but.
So we're making light of hell, but we're also making light of heaven if we say that something is heavenly, right?
It's an interesting philosophical point.
I don't have wrong, but it's interesting.
No, I am curious about it.
And I don't know.
I personally don't feel comfortable using the term hell as a curse word, but I feel less uncomfortable about using about invoking heaven.
And I wonder why that is when heaven is much more sacred than hell in that sense.
What do you think you're saying?
Or listener?
Do you have any thoughts on that?
What the heck do you think?
You say you like to get as far away as possible.
I like to get as close as possible.
To make people on your way to the bottom.
What you do as a Christian is to edge as close you can to sin.
To sin, like the line, and you're like, Yeah, so that you can sort of feel the pleasure of it without actually doing it.
If you accidentally cross a line, then you have a better testimony when you become redeemed from it.
Right.
It's like, ah, I did this thing by edging close to it.
You can show everybody your past by showing them your gangster tattoos.
I did drugs so I would have a good testimony.
Exactly.
But no, I don't.
I'll use like heck and gosh, and maybe some of those I probably shouldn't do sometimes.
But I'm of two minds about it.
I think on the one hand, it's just a verbal tick, or you're just like, oh, gosh, blah, blah, blah.
On the other hand, if your heart is so wrathful at the time you're saying it, like when someone cuts me off and I'm like, what the heck?
Well, well, I've stumbled into the same category of sin as someone who uses the Lord's name in vein.
Maybe it's not as serious.
Or even if you're thinking it, but not saying it.
Yeah.
Because, you know, that's wrong.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
I did find that for a while.
Like, I was reading a ton of Stephen King books.
And like, F-word, you know, the F-word pops into your head when you get mad at something.
I'm like, I got to stop consuming this kind of stuff because I don't say it, but it's like, I would say that.
Yeah.
I mean, it can be a problem in one's heart as well.
I think two people that I know of have ever heard me curse aloud in my life, but my heart is fairly filthy and I need to adjust that.
I think we all have that problem.
Yeah.
What were the curse words?
Repeat them for us.
Hey, there's speaking of replacement cuss words.
There's too many mother-fudging snakes on this mother-fudging plane.
Was that the quote?
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, he didn't say fudging.
But he didn't say fudge.
You want to take this one with me?
So, yeah, snakes were almost on a plane, but the TSA in Miami discovered a bag of snakes in passengers' pants.
Those are tiny snakes.
Is there a Florida man story?
I guess.
And I don't know why he was smuggling around snakes.
And what is that like chiclet and gum?
I don't know what that is.
That must be, yeah.
I think that's just cocaine.
Those are tiny snakes.
We're really burying the lead here.
It was a bag of cocaine with snakes in it.
So for our audio listeners, there's a picture of snakes coming out of what looks like almost a sunglasses little bag or whatever.
And then there's a whole bunch of chiclet gum.
Hundreds of little white squares.
Hundreds of tiny pillows to keep them comfortable.
I'm feeling that's like little like shavings like they put in a snake box.
That's what they call the box.
And yeah, so I guess he just wanted to smuggle some snakes out of Miami, as you do.
I want to know what this looked like on the TSA thing.
It's like, oh, these are just my sunglasses and they're all moving around.
The little red spot is like.
Sir, your sunglasses are moving.
Well, that's just my Apple Vision Pro.
Is that a snake?
Never mind.
All right.
The whales have struck back.
Speaking of euphemisms.
Orcas around the Iberian Peninsula.
Speaking of Iberia, pandemic Iberia is a good integration of pandemic.
Orcas around the Iberian Peninsula are still sinking boats for some unknown reason.
There have been 700 interactions since orca attacks on ships are first reported in May 2020.
This sounds like a Michael Crichton novel.
It does, yeah.
The beginning, we're like, oh no, the whales, like, what's happening?
The whales have become.
There's a big sphere at the bottom of the ocean.
That's a great headline, though.
Why killer whales won't stop ramming boats in Spain?
You know, here's why.
This is like redneck sitting on the porch like, you know what I want to know?
I want to know why killer boats won't stop ramming them boats in Spain.
So I remember when this news got it says, yeah, I remember when this news first started, but I didn't realize they were still, this was still happening.
That orcas have just created like a gang.
It's a mafia, the orca.
This is MAGA.
This is orca territory.
Orca country.
Go back to Spanish.
It's not a country.
It's a go back to Spain.
This is orca waters.
Make the oceans shamoo again.
This is like the beginning of one of the Hitchhiker's guidebooks, right?
Like, so long and thanks for all the fish.
And they're going to ascend into the heavens.
Right, right.
Heavens or skies.
Maybe this is part of this is the apocalypse happening.
This is the first stage is orcas just wiping out boats.
Did you see the Trump quote about the windmills killing the whales again?
He keeps bringing this up.
No, I didn't.
He'll say on his speeches, he'll like randomly bring it up and be like, and you know, they're killing the whales with the windmills, folks.
They're killing the whales.
And nobody knows what he's talking about, but they're building those electric generating windmills out.
The wind turbines.
They're building them like miles off the coast.
What does that have to do with whales?
Well, some whales are watching up dead on the shores.
And so there's speculation that something about the thrumming sound is driving them crazy.
That's interesting.
The windmills are killing the whales and turning the frogs.
Well, we don't know what's going on with the broken.
Turning the whales violent so that they attack ships.
Yeah, so whaling doesn't happen as much anymore because people are hunting whales too much.
But if it washes up on a beach, is it fair games?
Or you're like, blubber.
Yeah, whale blubber.
Have you guys ever seen whales explode on shore?
I have.
I've heard about it, but I've never.
It's quite a sight to behold.
I've never seen it in real life, but if I had the opportunity, I probably still would not attend.
But the videos are quite astounding.
So essentially, when whales wash up on shore, they often die as large, extremely large creatures are crushed under their own weight.
And as their body begins to decompose, gases begin to build up in their body.
The gases are not able to be held within the pressurized confines of their body.
And eventually, they will rupture into a rapturous explosion of whale blubber and blood.
I think I played that version of Pandemic.
Stop the whale bombs.
Yeah.
If three cubes, then the whale bombs the whale explodes.
That's great.
Next pandemic version is whale carcass pandemic.
Well, speaking of rotting carcasses, Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, became the highest-ranking Republican to attend court with Donald Trump, and he assailed the federal and state legal systems as corrupt and the cases against Trump as a sham.
More like a shamu.
Oh.
Everything's just going to be whale related from now on.
Yep.
Do you agree?
Let us know in the comments.
Get that engagement going.
Yeah.
And don't forget to like and subscribe while you let us know.
Don't forget to drop a whale bomb on that subscriber button.
Subscribe button, whatever it's called.
Have you guys been following the Trump trial?
I think I should care more than I do because I do think it's a bit of a sham and they're obviously politically persecuting it, prosecuting him for this kind of stuff.
Persecuting and prosecuting, I guess.
Yeah.
He's a modern day Job.
Or Joan of Arc.
Who else is?
Yes.
Both of those.
Stephen the martyr.
That's who he is.
Modern day Stephen.
He's a modern day Stephen the martyr.
Over the weekend, I was visiting my grandfather.
He fell a few weeks ago, so he's in a medical care facility.
And his roommate in this medical care facility was watching MSNBC non-stop, non-stop.
And so unfortunately, and also fortunately for comedy's sake, I heard a lot of MSNBC over the weekend.
And at a high point, one of the news anchors was interviewing one of the courtroom sketch artists in the Trump trial.
And I believe they posed a question about what's fun to draw in the courtroom.
And they were talking about, oh, it's really fun to draw Trump's expressions.
I was like, this is news?
Like, what are they doing?
Is it normal for people to interview courtroom sketch artists?
Maybe I just don't pay enough attention to the picture.
I think they're just maybe for high-profile cases, but they're not using it.
Like, what's the insight?
Oh, I use this pastel to shade his hair.
I feel like they usually ask him those kind of questions.
I feel like it's like trying to find out what's going on with the trial.
It wasn't really about the trial, it was more about their artwork and who was fun to draw and what does he look like.
Who are your inspirations?
Exactly.
Exactly.
Who are your influences growing up?
Another highlight of my MSNBC viewership of the weekend was someone referred to David French as a conservative, and I literally laughed out loud in the room.
And I felt bad for the gentleman that was watching the show as I was ruthlessly laughing at the television program.
Can we add a laugh track?
I want you to say that again.
That David French is a conservative.
And we're going to add laugh track and post.
Go ahead.
This is going to be terrible.
No, no, I want to know.
Okay.
MSNBC host claimed that David French was a conservative.
Good night, everybody.
Thanks.
Hey, you know what that sound means?
What?
What?
It's time to look at courtroom sketches from Trump's Hush Money trial.
I know our audio listeners will love it.
I like that you never forget the audio listener.
I did this very much early on, and then I said, screw them.
Or fudge him.
Never mind.
But you always remember, and you describe them like it's that alt text for blind people, which I think is scary.
I never thought of it that way, but yes.
Okay, here's the first one.
You want to try it?
You want to describe it for the blind?
So, man, I love these courtroom sketches.
They're the most hilarious courtroom sketches.
So this one.
We should interview one of the courtroom sketch artists.
We need to frame these.
This one shows Trump kind of mugging at the courtroom sketch artist and the judges in the background and the bailiff.
And it's just the art looks like sort of this postmodern art.
It's just the style is so fleshed out in some ways.
I really like Trump's face in this one.
I really like the lopsidedness of the judge's eyes in this one.
Yeah, that is cool too.
And to me, the bailiff really speaks to me.
Yes.
Is he Asian?
I don't know.
So let's look at the next one.
All right.
Oh, wow.
So this is the famous image of Trump supposedly sleeping during the trial.
But he just kind of looks like a skeleton a little bit.
So skinny.
They made him really skinny.
They did him some favors there, I think.
And then who's the guy next to him?
Is that like his lawyer or something?
I assume that's his lawyer.
He just looks like he's giving him the side eye like with the flesh-colored eyeballs.
I'm trying to think what kind of art, like this reminds me of some comic or artist or something.
And I can't play, I can't quite place it.
Monet.
Right, Monet.
That's what I was thinking.
Michelangelo, Sistine Chaplain's.
Oh, yeah.
Raphael.
All the Renaissance painters.
Trump has a different tie here than he did in the last one.
I think.
What's that white thing?
Oh, is that the bailiff's?
Is that like the keys of the bailiff?
Oh, yeah.
It kind of looks like an image of Trump if he was played by Christopher Walken.
Yeah, it does.
I get a walk-in vibe from here.
And if Jarrett was here, he would do a Christopher Walken impression right now.
He would.
What's the next one here?
Okay.
So this one's my favorite.
It's not as funny, but it looks like an actual art piece.
There's a lot of color there.
Is that George Santos in the front?
Oh, man.
It does look like him.
Less drag.
In this, this is the artist's phase where he was playing with a lot of perspective.
And you can see he's giving a lot of weight to the bailiff, which represents the justice system.
Wait, is the judge Eric Metaxas?
Does look like it does look like it, uh.
So yeah, this image is basically very zoomed out.
You get some of the audience members, uh, Bailiff Trump sort of looking over his shoulder like he's a Cape Crusader.
Um, the jury's even in it, which is kind of weird because you wouldn't want to publicize the jury, it's just very.
And then they even show a little tv screen in the back.
One of the jury members kind of looks like a Charlie Brown character, the one whose face is like right up against the judges, like just the round nose and the glasses.
Like Marcy, like Marcy, I think that's who I was thinking of.
Yeah, all right, let's see what they're.
There's good color and intonation and tone tonation in that one.
Yeah, are these different artists?
Is this the same artist?
I think this one's different.
This one's got to be different art style for sure.
So describe this one for the blind Kyle.
Correcting Myself, Trump is in between two secret messages, police officers slash bailiffs and he's gritting his teeth.
Or maybe he's saying look, I brushed, and he's just staring at one of the officers.
One thing I I don't get is the perspective on a lot of these like.
I cannot tell the size of all these.
Yeah, all these people like Trump looks huge compared to that bailiff.
This kind of looks like a Doonesberry oh Doonesberry, maybe that's what I was thinking of with the style um, but yeah, the way, the way that one of the bailiffs is directly behind Trump's head, it almost looks like Trump has an afro and there's a head growing out of it.
Yeah, it's very strange looking.
Oh, that's a bailiff.
I thought that was an afro with with a head growing.
That's what I first thought too.
A rookie mistake, though.
Yeah, all right.
Well, what's next?
This one is probably, probably the most realistic one, I would say so far, like I like, I feel like that's a pretty good representation of whoever the heck, that is sure.
Well, because it's actually showing you something important from the trial.
It's Trumps looking at someone on the bench uh, the witness stand.
I do like the judge's expression in this one.
He looks bored or he's kind of like giving like a smirk, a smarmy, like now Trump, what did I tell you?
And Trump looks like he's like his eagle eyes like piercing the witness stand, like he's gonna do hebreak vision or something iconic, quite iconic.
All right, what else?
What else we got on on that here?
Oh, here's Stormy Daniels, looking like Trump is looking up to the heavens or space, if you don't like the vulgar expression.
And um, is that Stormy Daniels?
Yeah, Stormy Daniels.
She, she's just not come off well with this course.
Artist, she did not do well with the artist no, no.
And the judge looks like he's.
He's like folding his hands, like he's nervous.
He's like I could have been a crane operator.
That's exactly what he's thinking expression.
He's looking off in the distance.
He's like accountant, crane operator, garbage man all of them would have looked better.
What else we got all right.
This is Trump uh, sitting next to, I assume, his defense attorney, one of his attorneys, and the guy.
The way the hand moves.
It looks like he's doing one of those weird gay waves.
You know how gay people wave?
Yeah, you know right, I know.
It just looks weird like his hand is just all messed up and behind him are a series of ghosts.
I I like to think that this artist was like um, like never learned to draw hands.
And they're like, well, i'm just gonna be a corporate sketch artist, i'll never need to do hands.
And then this, they're like, draw this scene.
They're like, oh no.
They usually just put their hands in their pockets.
Like the lawyer's hand sitting on the table just looks like this weird blob.
It's great.
All right.
What's our next picture here?
I don't think this one was real.
You don't?
What is this, Brandon?
What do you see?
I see an image before my eyes.
I have nothing to add.
That's why I'm quiet.
Okay.
Hey, Jack Nicholson.
Wow.
We referenced him earlier.
We did.
It's all full circle.
I can't believe that Jack Nicholson testified at the Trump hush money trial.
Yeah.
And he looks the same age that he does now.
Absolutely.
It's all coming together.
Cool.
What's next?
Oh, here's Trump at a court-martial hearing for the for Captain Kirk.
Interesting.
Okay.
Just like in real life.
I really like that Trump pose.
Like, I want him looking up at the stars or something.
Oh, yeah.
What else we got?
Oh, I said I wanted him looking up at the stars, and there it is.
And delivered.
Oh, is that Alderan?
Alderan is being destroyed.
That's terrible.
Trump's very solemn about that.
Well, I would be.
That's how I would look.
Alderon's about to be destroyed.
What else do we have?
Ooh.
And okay, so Trump.
If it does not fit, you must acquit.
Must acquit.
We'll just let the audio listeners guess what that is.
Tell us in the comments.
Oh, I guess you can't.
Engage.
Engage.
All right.
Well, that's all the 100% accurate Trump sketches that we have for today.
You know what that sound means?
It's over.
What's the sound?
The notes for the weird siren noise.
I know.
The notes say weird siren noise, but what is the noise going to be?
I assume it's weird siren post.
Is it going to be Travis vocalized?
I hope not.
Can you make some noises for the segment?
Just make some weird noises.
Let's give another one.
A little more animal.
Another one?
Yeah.
More animals?
Animalistic.
More animalistic.
All right.
Now, this is the think about a whale exploding.
Think about a whale exploding.
Siren!
There.
There's your sound.
That's pretty good.
All right.
It's time for.
You used to be good.
Adam Ford.
Adam Ford.
I really miss Adam Ford.
Hey, mail.
And this is a quote tweet of one of my tweets.
I tweeted, I'm Kyle.
I'm 37, and I'll be voting for Aragorn Elassar, king of Gondor, in November.
How about you?
And I was riffing on someone else, those paid operatives for the DNC, Harry Sisson, and whatever their names are.
We're like, I'm 17 years old, and I'll be voting for Joe Biden in November.
Right.
You know.
And so I was just making fun of it.
But someone retweeted you and they were not happy.
And he said, the Babylon Bee really turned out to be a bunch of scumbags.
An interesting takeaway from an obvious joke.
For this tweet, I was called a scumbag and a betrayer of Trump.
And I think I was also called a Jew, which makes a lot of sense.
Are you Jewish?
Oh, here's another.
No, I'm not.
I don't think I am.
I guess I should take a 23 me test.
Yeah.
And it'll be like 100% Jew.
I'm like, oh, okay.
I guess I guess the Groypers were right.
And then here's another quote tweet.
Babylon Bee has gone woke and read it, folks.
What's that supposed to mean?
I don't know.
The woke part I get.
I don't know what going Reddit.
Like, because I made a joke about voting for Aragorn.
You guys know that Aragorn is a fictional character and you can't vote for him.
You don't vote for kings.
All right, here's a DM we got from someone named Demon Defeater who says that their mission is to defeat sin, temptation, and worldliness for the glory of God.
Oh, that sounds good.
That sounds good.
So, what did they say to the Babylon B?
Oh, they said, please make the Babylon Bee cool again.
It got all Jewy and gross lately.
For the glory of God.
That's, yeah, that's how a Christian should talk.
All right, here's another one.
And you want to do this one or not?
Sure.
At Seth Dylan is ethnically Jewish.
Actually, ethics.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, yeah.
Ethical.
Okay.
Well, okay.
He is ethnically Jewish, so I assume that's what it said.
Seth is the owner of the Christian satire site, Christians put in quotes, at the Babylon Bee.
The Babylon Bee mocks Christians relentlessly, but has almost no posts mocking Jews.
The Babylon Bee is nothing but a subversive Jewish organization undermining Christianity.
Interesting.
It's funny.
It's funny when you see news about people and there's no way to confirm whether it's true or not.
But when you're inside of an organization, like we're part of the B and we see these allegations against us being Jewy and shilling for Jews and being called the Zion Bee and stuff like that.
And there is very little connection to the Babylon Bee and Judaism.
And we know that.
But they are so absolutely convinced that we are all Jewish shills.
It's Chesterton's madman because Chesterton talks about how when you latch onto an idea, anything, any new fact somebody gives you fits into that system.
Right.
Because you're like, oh, well, we're not Jewish.
That's what a Jew would say.
It's exactly what they want you to, you know, it's like there's just no way to argue somebody into a position that they didn't argue themselves into.
But quite, quite, quite frankly, I'm actually rather glad that we are excising all of these extremely ridiculous, racist, and they're coming out from under the rock and vitriolic people from our.
I don't know if you want to call it a positive or negative, but Elon, you know, freeing Twitter with brought these people to light.
And I think in some, obviously it sucks because, you know, people reply now and they're like, oh, Jews are the worst and evil and blah, blah.
And it's like, yeah, that sucks that that speech is out there.
But at the same time, it's kind of good that that speech is out there.
I think it's good for the.
Because you see it and you go, wow, there's people.
I want to listen to this evil to be right.
And it's good that people see that kind of stuff.
And then they got another reply that said, painfully unfunny Jewish supremacist and anti-Gentile, stochastic terrorist Seth Dylan is among the most dishonest, disgusting, degenerate, and deeply evil figures in public life.
Wow, that's really strong language for a guy who owns a satire site.
Yeah.
Definitely, yeah.
And here's another one.
The B is trash and Seth Dylan sucks.
And so do all his anti-white employees.
Yep.
That's so true.
So true.
We're so anti-white.
Close-up of the white employees.
Hey, I think since our last podcast, you interviewed Jordan Peterson, and I don't think we've talked about it on the podcast.
I don't think so.
It's been a while since we podcasted.
So you interviewed Jordan Peterson with our new show, Travis Interviews the World.
Yes.
And it was a blast.
And it was very fun and funny.
Quite possibly one of my favorite things we've ever done.
That was great.
Wow, really?
Yeah.
It was definitely an experience.
It was definitely one of the videos.
It was definitely something.
It definitely is.
It was made.
And we got a message about it.
A fan mail for you, Travis.
Oh, cool.
So he says, that interview was painful to watch.
Dr. Jordan Peterson was extremely patient.
What a waste of time, his time and brilliance.
You could have been funny and incorporated Babylon B satirical humor without being an imbecile who was rude and disrespectful.
Do better next time.
Okay.
The joke is that Travis interviews the world.
Maybe you don't understand the joke.
Well, thank you everyone for joining us today on the Babylon Bee Podcast, the only podcast that covers the news.
Hope you have been informed.
It probably sucks because they didn't know what was happening in the world for the past like well now.
Oh, it's sad without any news.
And if you're a subscriber, guess what?
We're going to go on for a few more minutes.
If you're not a subscriber, go to babylonbee.com/slash plans and subscribe.
And you can join us in the ultra-exclusive subscriber lounge.
Wow.
Which is the same room.
It's not a lounge.
We don't have a lounge.
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