The Bee Weekly: Twitter Changes and The New Bee Book on Democracy
It's another week at the Bee and you can use our special link for 83% off Private Internet Access!: https://privateinternetaccess.com/TheBabylonBee Kyle and Adam are joined by Jarret to discuss the big new shareholder of Twitter. Didn't you get the memo? The Bee is also releasing a brand new book! Enjoy a sneak peak of The Babylon Bee Guide To Democracy! You can pre-order The Babylon Bee Guide To Democracy now! Stay a while and listen to new editions of Bee Radio w/ Austin "The Robinson" Robertson, Weakly News w/ Adam Yenser, and a brand new segment: Sizzler Facts. Listeners also get an exclusive leak of the audition tapes from some ambitious people who want Jen Psaki's job. In the subscriber's lounge we hang out with world-famous Bee Subscriber JungleBiker. Will he answer the ten questions? Only you can find out! This episode is brought to you by Strikeman Laser Dry Fire Training System. Ammo is expensive, but with a laser dry fire training system from Strikeman you can still train to become proficient in the safe and accurate use of your weapon. Use promo code AMMOFREEDOM to save 20% off at: http://TRAINWITHSTRIKEMAN.COM This episode is also brought to you by MY PATRIOT SUPPLY.. Don't be unprepared when disaster strikes. Save $150 on a three month emergency food kit at: http://PrepareWithBee.com
Elon Musk was making leftists' heads explode, and then he went and bought Twitter.
Jen Pasaki is reportedly quitting her job of parroting White House talking points and getting a job at MSNBC parroting White House talking points.
The Secret Service is spending $30,000 a month on a mansion for Honor Biden, and that's just to stock it with cocaine.
NASA's trying to contact aliens while the White House continues to contact illegal aliens.
A lot of people are confused about democracy, so the Babylon B is coming out with a new guide to democracy to help the nation.
All this and moron, the Bee Weekly.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Bee Weekly.
I now some people have been complaining that we did not say our names and they're listening and they don't know who's talking.
So I want to just be clear: I am Adam Jenser.
I am Ethan Nicole.
And this.
I'm Kyle Mann.
So just so everybody is now clear, now you know who is talking when you hear our beautiful.
Probably no angry comments about this segment.
No angry comments whatsoever.
I missed that bear guy.
That's in the comments, right?
That's one of the generated comments.
Hey, so Elon Musk bought a 9.2% stake in Twitter.
It cost him $3 billion.
So I think he was just rummaging around on his couch cushions and he was like, oh, what am I going to do with this?
But then the stock price went up, so he must be rich now.
And now he's worth a lot of money.
Yeah.
It's a good thing that he took that gamble.
So he did this thing where he polled Twitter about free speech.
Free speech is essential to a functioning democracy.
Do you believe Twitter adheres to this principle?
And he got a 70% no.
So he's like, okay, I guess I'll spend $3 billion.
Yeah, maybe I should do something about this.
So Parag, I'm going to say his name wrong, and everybody's going to accuse me of being a racist.
Parag Agral is a.
I was hoping you would say just something racist instead of completely wrong.
People are going to say I'm racist here.
I don't like Indian people.
Parag Agrawal.
That was satire.
So he announced that Elon Musk has a seat on the board now, and he says he's both a passionate believer and intense critic of the service, which is exactly what we need on Twitter and in the boardroom to make us stronger in the long term.
Welcome, Elon.
And Elon says, looking forward to working with Parag and Twitter board to make significant improvements to Twitter in coming months.
Does this mean we're getting the edit button?
It might happen.
I did enjoy his poll about the edit button.
Did you see that?
Yeah.
He spelled yes and no wrong.
That was very clever.
A guy like that just has to be like having fun doing this.
He just does it because he's bored.
There's so much freedom.
There's so much freedom in having billions of dollars.
You know, that's the real secret to life, you know.
And people are really mad.
Sam Stein, I don't even remember.
Is he an ex-White House guy or a commenter?
I don't know.
Journalist, all the same.
He said two months ago, Elon Musk tweeted a meme showing a picture of Hitler with the words, stop comparing me to Justin Trudeau.
Today he joins the company's board.
And it's funny, depending on what side of the country you're on, you either think that's awesome or you think because he doesn't even comment that it's terrible.
He just says it.
Yeah.
And I'm like, that's awesome.
That's a funny joke.
That's a funny joke.
That's a great joke.
Absolutely based.
So we need Elon to free us from Twitter jail now.
And maybe give us some.
I'm talking a lot.
Someone else talk.
Ethan.
Jen Saki is leaving the White House, reportedly, and she's going to get a job at MSNBC.
It seems like the job that being White House practice secretary prepares you for.
It already is.
Yeah.
We're going to miss her.
Yeah, we sure are.
And actually, we got our hands on the audition tape.
Yeah, because they're already trying out new people for the White House press secretary.
It was a complicated process to get it, but we got it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So let's do one watch that's let's pull it up.
Hi, my name is Travis Leithbottom.
My name is Greg Lufa.
Jan Sojio.
Partridge LaFentry.
My name's Trucey LaCroix.
My pronouns are she/slash/her.
And I'm applying for the position of and I'm applying for the position of White House press.
Secretary.
And I'm auditioning for the role of press secretary.
I'm going to walk back that circle back and then I'll circle back to that walk back and walk it back some more.
I think I'd make a great press secretary because I can lie about anything with a straight face.
Watch this.
The sky is green.
The grass is blue.
Rachel Levine is a woman.
Now it's the time for us to do the thing that we have been doing.
You want to see my dance moves?
No, why would we want to see your dance moves?
I mostly want to be on Dancing with the Stars after I quit.
Hi!
I am here to answer your question.
Sorry, hold on.
Let me get in the space.
I'll take a question from Peter Doucey.
I mean, Docey.
Honest mistake.
COVID didn't come from a lab.
Real communism hasn't been tried.
And gas, you know, sometimes prices go up.
Pineapple belongs on pizza.
Epstein killed himself.
Can you stop that?
Nope.
Trump colluded with Russia.
The British office is better than the American office.
Are my eyes dead enough?
Waves oscillating through and through?
I can smile too.
Look at this smile.
I'm smiling with my mouth, but not my eyes.
I can laugh too.
Watch.
You, sir.
How does the White House plan to deal with the crisis at the border?
Line?
Actually, I hurt my back last week, but you know, I'm much more limbered than this in real life.
Look, kid, this is me.
Pretty cool, right?
See those sweet moves?
The tides of time sometimes take a while to reach the shore.
Joe Rogan is taking horse dewormer.
The Pope is infallible.
I didn't fart just now.
Like, what angle are we taking on this?
Does she actually believe what she's saying, or does she know that she's lying?
What?
There's no script.
Where did you get that?
British food is awesome.
The Hunter Biden laptop story is false.
I don't know how to get him to stop.
I once killed a man just to watch the life leave his eyes.
I felt nothing.
Do you need me to cry on command?
Because I can cry.
Watch.
I still feel nothing.
Kamala Harris is nice to work with.
I'm not the Zodiac killer.
Hold on, it's almost there.
Tomorrow is two days from now's yesterday.
The Dreamers.
Pete Davidson.
It's hilarious.
Florida passed a don't say gay bill.
And when I look in the mirror, what I see is me.
Woo!
Yeah, that's a great shirt you're wearing.
You really look good.
Classic.
We've got a Babylon Beat Banger of the Week this week, as we do every week.
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Go to preparewithb.com today.
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Banger of the week.
AOC claims she too was slapped by Will Smith at the Oscars, and now she is dead.
Sad.
Another AOC joke, another Will Smith joke, and another January 6th AOC is dead joke.
How many times has AOC died in the headlines?
A few times, yeah.
It's been quite a few.
It's a bit of a fantasy, I think, at this point.
You just want to date her.
I just want to date her.
It's so true.
Then we also have a bomb of the week, as we always do.
Bomb of the week.
Dave Ramsey stars in new show To Catch a Borrower, where he catches Christians trying to buy things on credit cards.
I thought this was great, but it was my ideas.
I understand almost nothing.
If you've gone through Financial Peace University, you would understand this.
Are you a graduate?
I am.
I'm a proud graduate.
Proud graduate.
Yeah.
I was a sports magnum cum laude.
I hear the football team isn't very good.
It's not great.
How's the party life?
Shuffleboard.
Yeah, no, it's great.
We had a lot of parties.
More parties or less parties than PragerU.
PragerU is more known more as a party school.
I want to do a joke about Prager U being a real party.
But they're definitely, they're definitely, yeah, I think if Financial Peace University and PragerU, they're kind of rivals.
They're rivals.
Oh, yeah.
That's actually pretty good.
Because they have a great rank.
They're going to each other at graduation.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And the University of Phoenix is in there too.
They have great recruitment, but a lot of scholarship.
I like that Dave Ramsey got really rich on this idea of going on the radio and saying, stop spending money on credit cards and you will have more money.
And it's like so obvious.
I know.
But sometimes people just need to get slopped around a little bit.
Yeah, I do like Dave Ramsey, though.
He's funny.
Yeah.
Have you guys ever had him on the show?
We ever had him on the show?
We haven't.
We should get him on the show.
I bet you you would do it.
I found someone's credit card while hiking at Runyon Canyon yesterday and I kept it because I was going to look them up on Facebook and message them.
But then there was like a ton of people with the same name.
So I was going to drop it off at the bank that it's from, but it's closed.
So now I just have a stolen credit card.
It's a good story.
Yeah.
Speaking of good stories, let's go to B Radio with Austin Robertson.
How's that?
I just like Austin Robertson.
I couldn't tell if that was a positive or a negative.
I like him.
Ooh.
Well, that was Austin.
Factually inaccurate.
Morally correct.
This is Babylon B Radio.
Our top story.
With Elon Musk becoming Twitter's largest stakeholder and a new member of the board of directors.
Many within the company are worried he may turn the free speech platform into a platform that actually allows free speech.
Director of content moderation, Yeni Zendapu.
This could destroy us.
When we say we're a free speech platform, we never intended to actually allow free speech.
If we allowed free speech, people might say things we don't like, and that's not okay.
Others are concerned that Musk's influence may cause the social network to allow unfettered social networking and millions of people to use the platform to platform themselves, even though they're yucky and have weird opinions that shouldn't be platformed.
Several within the company are calling for Musk's immediate removal and have threatened to resign and start their own group text message on their phones where conservative opinions will not be allowed.
Other Twitter employees expressed excitement over Musk's involvement, especially for the free white clause now available in every break room.
Not to be outdone, Bill Gates announced that he too will invest in social media with a 9.2% share of MySpace.
Gates confirmed he will be making some much-needed changes to the site, adding helpful information on the latest vaccines and boosters, a clippy virtual assistant, and handy information on the benefits of subdermal microchip technology.
In addition, all future copies of Windows will come with a MySpace app, permanently and irrevocably included.
Sources also confirmed the Apple require updates every three minutes around the clock.
I'm very excited to show you what MySpace will have to offer in the coming years.
And you should probably get used to using it now, as it will be the only website allowed on the internet in my new world order.
At the time of publication, Jeff Bezos confirmed he's jumping into the fray with a 9.2% stake in Google ⁇ .
On one of his family's weekly visits to Disney's California Adventure, local conservative libertarian-ish man Kyle McManus pondered this week how Disney has so much money, power, and cultural influence to push its leftist agenda.
I just don't understand how Disney keeps funding all these LGBTQ agenda-driven movies and shows.
We need to start fighting back to retake the culture, but it's just so tough when Disney has so much funding.
McManus was spotted wearing a Star Wars t-shirt purchased for $36 at the World of Disney store, musing as he looked out over the fountain display in front of the Pixar Palaround Ferris wheel while dipping his $12 Mickey Mouse-shaped pretzel into his $3 cup of cheese sauce.
I wonder where they get it all.
It's like they have unlimited money.
Who on earth could fund this operation that keeps grooming our kids and pushing their radical agenda on us?
McManus wiped the cheese sauce from his face, adjusted his Groot Mini Magnetic Shoulder Plush, $18, and wandered off toward Disneyland in search of the new limited edition MSE 6 Series repair droid popcorn bucket at one of the stands in Galaxy's Edge, pausing first to adjust his $30 artificial leather Mickey Mouse ears.
It must be George Soros.
A rat colony underneath Washington, D.C. recently became aware of a surface world with blue skies, warm sunlight, and abundant garbage.
The colony, ruled by a council of noble volunteers, was planning a great move to the land of plenty until it was discovered to be infested with hundreds of politicians.
Rat Council Representative Whisker Nose Wrangle voiced his concern to the other council members.
No wonder our ancestors made their home in the bowels of the earth.
Disgusting.
Rats, it's hereby forbidden to breach the surface.
The way is shut.
We cannot allow the infestation to corrupt our monarchist utopia.
Surface rats who previously had no knowledge of the subterranean rat colony promptly abandoned their homes in favor of a more just and dignified society.
The Rat Council ordered passage to the surface barricaded and advised their society to mask up and wash thoroughly to help slow the spread of politics.
Unfortunately, before the land could be sealed away, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi began planting ideas in the ears of some of the younger rats who promptly overthrew their minimalist government and elevated Rat King Plaguehammer to the throne.
Addressing a conference at the Ark Encounter, Ken Ham revealed a teaser trailer for Answers in Genesis' next big project, a feature film titled Jurassic Ark.
In the exciting big budget action movie, a rogue wave causes the raptor cages on the Ark to topple over, releasing the dinos to roam the ship and stalk its eight terrified passengers.
I'm proud to present to you Jurassic Ark.
Coming next summer, this blockbuster film will delight and entertain your family and also convince you beyond question that the earth is 6,000 years old and that you need Jesus to save you from your sins.
The trailer opens on a shot of Noah boarding the ark with his family, with a biblical hero trying to get his broken seatbelt on but eventually just tying it together.
Various scenes of terrified ark passengers hiding in the dark as raptors stalk through the darkened passageways are then shown.
In another scene, Noah pours himself some wine but is horrified as the liquid slowly starts rippling.
He runs and hides in the bathroom to evade a T-Rex.
Some have criticized the film saying there's no evidence that raptors terrorized Noah and his family in the Bible.
Ken Ham shut down these complaints.
How do you know?
Were you there?
Now you're up to date on the only news that matters.
Find more fake news you can trust at BabylonB.com.
Until next time, this is Austin Robertson, the voice of the Babylon Bee.
So long.
Well, that was great, Austin.
Now let's go to weekly news with Adam Jenser.
It's time for the weekly news with Adam Jenser.
The Crown Prince of Dubai flew Will Smith to the United Arab Emirates last week to cool down after his Oscar incident.
The Middle East is the perfect escape since it's the only place in the world where no one can tell Jada's bald.
The only rule they have to follow in the Muslim country is keep ham and bacon out your fing mouth.
Oh my goodness.
Appreciate the fudge.
Barack Obama visited Joe Biden at the White House on Wednesday.
They did puzzles in the common area until Joe's nurse told them visiting hours were over.
The new Marvel movie Morbius starring Jared Leto opened this week.
Jared Leto is a method actor and prepared for his role as a vampire by sucking for 20 years.
Oh no.
Although if you like 30 Seconds to Mars, maybe you'll be able to stand 30 seconds of this movie.
CNN Plus is producing a documentary about the origins of the Jussie Smollett hoax.
It's called the Don Lemon Story.
So CNN Plus is producing a documentary about the hoax, even though CNN produced the hoax.
This is like if OJ Simpson produced a documentary about finding the real killer.
The Secret Service is paying $30,000 a month for a Malibu mansion for Hunter Biden, and next year taxpayers will pay $30,000 for a prison cell for Hunter Biden.
At the Grammys on Sunday, Ukrainian President Zelensky addressed the audience via satellite and he now uses you may have seen him at the Grammys in his credits every time he does stand up.
At a rally this weekend, Michigan GOP representative Lisa McClain claimed that Donald Trump caught Osama bin Laden.
Although she may have gotten bin Laden confused with COVID.
A survey found that seven in 10 pet owners really do consider their dog their best friend, and nine in 10 pet owners consider their cat an acquaintance they run into sometimes.
Pet cloning is becoming more popular where people replace their dead pets with exact genetic copies.
So now your kids will be able to play with that hamster for four weeks instead of two.
NASA scientists sent a new message into space this week in an attempt to contact alien life.
The aliens left them on red.
That's it for weekly news.
If you'd like to see more, check out the canceled news on my YouTube channel and come see me live in Grand Rapids, Michigan, April 22nd and 23rd.
That was weekly news.
I love that.
Definitely go see him.
Live.
Man.
Hey, Babylon Bee fans.
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So we're going to do a new segment this week.
We've been working hard on this.
This is called Sizzler Facts.
So here we go.
They're facts about the restaurant, Sizzler.
Sizzler.
The very first Sizzler was opened in Culver City, California in 1958 by Dell and Helen Johnson.
This has been the first segment of Sizzler Facts.
So we wrote a new book.
It is called The Babylon B.
I thought there was going to be more.
We just get one?
One fact.
One fact every week.
I can give you an anecdotal fact about Sizzler.
No, no, no.
I thought we'd get hours of Sizzler facts.
That was the one.
How many of you guys want more?
Approved facts.
If you guys would like more Sizzler facts, comment below and comment how long it should be.
These are my canceled Sizzler facts.
You can see them on the page.
If you have any Sizzler facts for us, we'd love to hear them also.
So please leave them in the comments.
So we sent our new book to the publisher finally.
We've been working hard on this for a while now, and you can pre-order it now.
It's called The Babylon Bee Guide to Democracy.
If you saw our beautiful Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness, this is the sequel to that.
So we're continuing the Babylon Bee Guide series.
It's filled with fun stick figures and interactive features and tons of graphics.
The graphics team has been blowing their brains out working on this thing, and it's just going to be awesome.
I don't think Brandon has slept in weeks.
Ryan either.
Ryan, Bettina, everybody.
They're all just working so hard.
No, no, I slept great.
Yeah, I didn't work on it.
Well, you didn't work on it.
Adam's been getting great sleep.
He's been up drinking.
That's right.
I just would pass by and say, good job, guys.
Good job.
You guys are doing a great job.
It really looks nice.
You just walk by and sing Sizzler songs.
Yeah.
Sizzler is the one.
And they really appreciated it.
So we have a few interactive things in this book that we're going to do now.
We have a chapter on government spending in this book, and we have a quiz.
Can you guess which one of these things the government actually funded with your tax money?
Question number one.
A, Argentinian clown college.
B, a study on the proliferation of alcoholism within the gay community.
C, crackpipes, or D, all of the above.
I'm going all of the above.
I'm going to say D too, because it seems like B and C are really possible.
And then A must be true too.
D is correct on this one.
Oh, okay.
So D is good.
Someone got the next question there.
This one is.
I don't see the question.
It's all the same question.
Which of these did this?
Which of these did the government actually fund using your taxpayer money?
Senior citizens playing World of Warcraft, intentionally mutated bat viruses in Wuhan, searching for invisible birds in Alaska.
D, all of the above.
A?
I'm going to go A. I'm going to say it's.
Fund allegedly B. Allegedly.
I'm going to say it's C.
Okay.
Does anybody know?
Do you have the answer key on that one?
We don't have an answer key.
It's D, by the way.
To find out the answer.
All of the above.
Buy the Babylon B Guide to Democracy.
It's D, all of the above.
Next question.
Jared, you got the same thing.
Yeah, I got it.
So here, what did our government do?
Which of these are going to be?
Yeah, our taxpayer dollars fund.
Providing cocaine to Japanese quails.
That's A. B, studying if selfies make people happy.
C, sending Pakistani children to a Dolly Parton-themed amusement park.
D, all of the above.
I'm going to go all of the above.
I'll do the same.
Yeah, it all seems pretty likely.
Well, I guess.
I pulled up the answer key here, and it is also D, all of the above.
Here's another one.
Slot machines for pigeons, giving cigarettes to children, $10 million on soda bottles that serve no purpose before being disposed of, or D, all of the above.
I'm going C on this one.
C?
What about you, Jared?
I don't know.
D seems to be a theme.
I'm going to also go D.
And that was the correct answer.
It was D, all of the above.
Wow.
Wait, wait, slot machines for pigeons?
Slot machines for pigeons, yeah.
Look that up.
I'm going to Google that.
I'm going to make sure that we're not.
So Rand Paul claimed, according to Reason.com, that the feds wasted $52 billion on slot machine playing pigeons, COVID-Aid, Afghanistan, and more.
So there was a $465,000 grant from the National Institutes of Health, whose researchers plan to teach pigeons to use a monetary-like currency to decide whether to earn, accumulate, spend, or gamble tokens.
That's how they're going to pay off the national debt.
They're like, we can get these pigeons to win it back for us.
To win it all.
And all it takes is a pigeon.
That's great.
Oh, we could do a couple more of these questions.
I think we're kind of sensing the correct answer.
My joke is going to be that I never get it right.
That you never get it right.
Okay.
Someone want to do that one?
Oh, yeah.
A, attempting to improve the flavor of tomatoes.
B, teaching farmers how to use Facebook.
C, an opera about Prince Harry, or D, all of the above.
Wow.
I'm going to go opera about Prince Harry.
Yeah.
D. D.
Okay.
D's correct.
A, blowing leaf blowers at lizards.
I've done that.
B, over $5 million to Bernie Sanders.
Is it like his salary or what?
I don't know.
That's, I guess, supporting his campaign.
C, a website dedicated to romance novels.
D, all of the above.
I'm going to go blowing leaf blowers at lizards.
It looks like it's D, all of the above.
I have some clinical research on that.
I haven't got it in a while.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Well, maybe you'll bounce back here.
Yeah.
We got A, putting fish on treadmills.
B, discovering that global warming causes delicious wine.
C, trying to determine if dinosaurs could sing or D, all of the above.
I'm going to go A, Goldfish on Treadmill.
I'm going to follow Adam on this one and also say A. I'm going to stick with D.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, my answer key here says D, all of the above.
We got two more.
Cool.
I got to get one of these.
Yeah, I'll get one.
Let's try it.
A, zoo-themed poetry.
B, an IHOP franchise.
C, watching male prostitutes in Vietnam.
D, all of the above.
I'm going IHOP franchise.
I'm going to go D, all of the above on this one.
I'm going to try for C on this.
What was it?
Was it C?
C, C.
It's D, actually.
Okay, okay.
Shoot.
Let's see.
Okay.
Final.
Final one.
Severing the spines of babies.
This is a dark one.
A. B, severing the spines of babies in other countries.
That's B. C, subsidizing companies that specialize in severing the spines of babies.
D, all of the above.
I'm going C. D. I'm going for all the above because they do so love to sever those spines.
D is correct.
All of the above.
Okay.
Great.
So we know the government spends our money well.
We also have a federal department generator so you can generate your very own federal bureaucracy.
We've got so many, you know, the TSA, NSA, you know, UHF, all the different ones.
And now we have, now you can make your very own abbreviation agents.
Oh, this is cool.
So what's the first letter of the last thing that you ate, Jarrett?
C. What was it?
Cabbage.
Oh, okay.
I thought it was cocaine.
What's the first letter?
I'm not Hunter Biden.
What's the first letter of Yo Mama's name?
O.
Okay.
So we got C-O.
So, what's the third letter of the name of the last person you texted?
Let me look.
What is the first letter?
Third letter.
The third letter of the person.
What's the name of the last person you texted?
A.
Okay, so C-O-A.
And then ask a friend for a random letter.
Adam, what's a random letter?
Why?
Okay, why?
Because we're doing this thing.
So we have C-O-A-Y.
So your federal department, sir, is the official dance troupe of oppressed heavy metal.
You've created your very own.
You know, if I were to make one, I feel like that would be one that I could probably.
That does seem like that.
It's more you, probably.
The heavy metal, the oppressed heavy metal, especially.
You listen to a lot of it.
I do listen to a lot of oppressed heavy metals.
All right, we also have a mud slinger generator.
I guess I don't get to do that.
Oh, do you want to do one?
Yeah, let's.
What's the first letter of the last thing that you ate?
O. What's the first letter of your mama's name?
L. O-L.
And what's the third letter of the name of the last person you texted?
N. O-L-N.
And then ask a friend for a random letter.
I don't have any friends here.
Sad.
Emma, what's a letter?
Q. Q. O-L-N-Q.
Okay, so you're the homosexual appreciators of blessed interpretive dance.
Blessed interpretive dance.
I feel like homosexuals would interpret dance.
I feel like that's actually an official study group.
That's happening.
That's already like the RB internet.
Yeah, that's really happening already.
That's already a thing.
I guess I should do mine too.
First letter of the last thing I ate, E, eggs.
First letter of my mama's name is D.
So E-D.
Third letter of the name of the last person you texted, probably Joel E.
So what am I at now?
E-D-E.
E-D-E.
And then Dan, can you give me a random letter, please?
E-D-E-B.
So the everlasting office of affluent bankruptcy.
I think that is also already a federal department.
It's called the IRS.
It's already the thing.
So not only can you generate federal departments in our book, you can also generate some mud to sling at your opponent.
So if you want an insult.
Do we have my dice ready?
I didn't get my dice ready.
Could someone grab a D6?
I think probably, oh, and the Star Wars wrist game there, probably.
Pick a board game, and there's probably a D6 in it somewhere in our office.
So in this one, you're going to roll a six-sided die, which is not included with this book.
Go buy a copy of Monopoly, Catan, or Advanced Squad Leader.
All right, and I can generate some mud.
Okay.
If you guys want to do it too, feel free to.
Yeah, let's do it.
So you're going to roll a die for each column here.
So I got five, five, six, five, five, six, four.
So the insult that I'm going to sling at my opponent is you're a lion, column-loving, cross-fitting poo-poo head.
All right.
I like that.
Yeah, that's a good one.
I got six, three, three, four.
So philandering, dog-faced, sexist, poo-oo head.
There you go.
That's poo-poo head.
All right, so I'm a five, three, one, five, three, one.
One.
Five, three, one, one.
So that would be lion, dog-faced, racist cheese bag.
I take that one.
I'm going to keep that.
Cheese bags are good.
Cheese bags are great.
Juggalo is good, too.
Joe Biden actually used that one.
Now, this is great.
This book is actually great for small group usage if you guys want to all get together and discuss.
Because we actually included lesson questions at the end of each chapter for you guys to discuss as a group, and you can fill out the answers.
Nice.
So let's go through these.
Here's five questions from the chapter on the legislative branch.
Number one, how much of your knowledge of the legislative branch comes from schoolhouse rock?
So, you can discuss that question.
Yeah.
Someone want to read question number two here.
Sure.
Yeah, I'll read it.
So, okay.
So, an interstellar Matthew McConaughey comes out of the black hole and actually influences the past.
But he would have never gotten there if he hadn't influenced the past in the first place.
Can you please explain the entire plot to me?
It's a good discussion question after you read the letter.
So, yeah, it really has to do with demise.
Third question: Article 1 of the Constitution establishes the legislative branch, which is responsible for creating laws pertaining to the central government.
Drawing inspiration from the 18th century political philosopher Montesquieu, America has attempted to live by a separation of powers in government to ensure no one branch becomes too powerful.
Do we need a fourth branch of government to make sure Congress doesn't let bureaucrats run the nation and hand over their law-writing powers to special interests and lobbyists?
Very deep.
Deep, and the answer is yes.
So, it's a yeah, so it's it's a humorous book, but you learn things.
And you can't, I will, you'll put a graphic up on this.
It's kind of funny that that question is the longest and just has one little line.
It's a yes or no question, yeah.
So, question number four: Do you remember that one time when Charles Sumner was caned by Preston Brooks?
That was awesome, and you get more space to answer that thank yeah, yeah, that's good.
And we have one more question, yeah.
Number five: each of us has his own personal John C. Calhoun to face.
Write yours below.
So deep, yeah.
And of course, we have a ton of stick figures in this book as everybody loves the stick figures.
And a lot of these were done by Travis here in the office.
So, this one is a guide how to do an insurrection.
And if you're watching, you'll be able to see some of the graphics.
If you're listening, just imagine them.
Climb Capitol Wall like Mario and Donkey Kong, dress like the hamburgler and steal Nancy Pelosi's podium.
Deploy Mike Pence-seeking robot murder hornets, ride in on a buffalo and claim your rightful place on the throne, have everyone dress up like Trump, use Portal Gun to drop a giant anvil on the Capitol building, use a catapult to launch Trump over the wall to his rightful place as ruler, and elbow drop Capitol Police from top rope.
I like it.
Well done.
I don't endorse any of that.
You don't endorse any of these things.
I don't want to be called in front of a congressional committee.
Satire.
It's satire.
Buffalo guy.
Well, why don't we go on now to Hate Mail?
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
You can hand us money if you want to.
It's available everywhere, Amazon, or if you hate Amazon, there's other websites that sell books too, I think.
So you can go pre-order anywhere.
I don't think it's up for pre-order on our website yet, but eventually it will be in the Babylon Beast store as well.
So if you want to buy it from us directly, you can do that.
Let's go on to some.
Oh, it's coming out September 6th, by the way.
I'm really good at promoting things.
Let's move on to hate mail.
Riots, robberies, home invasions, and random assaults in America's streets.
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I really miss Adam Ford.
This is from someone whose email address includes the phrase ISIS 666.
So if you get criticized.
If you get criticized by ISIS 666, you're probably doing something right.
So this person says, how pathetic is your life that you not only used...
It sounds like a chapter out of Ecclesiastes.
How pathetic is your life that you not only use Twitter but dedicate your time and effort into something so worthless?
Under the sun.
Tell me, how does that feel?
Does it make you feel good?
Does it relieve your erectile dysfunction?
No.
Not even the sweet release.
Doesn't.
Can we say that?
No.
Not even the sweet release of death can save your pathetic lives.
Do the world a favor and simply live stream your suicide onto the nearest kid-friendly social media page.
This got Darkfest.
Yeah.
Would make a much better contribution.
That's the ice part.
Would make a much better contribution than just crap posting for a living.
They said sh ⁇ post.
Yeah, thank you.
I appreciate that.
Shoot.
Wow.
There's children in here, Adam.
Yes, there is.
I didn't want you to lie to the kids about what it said.
Nothing new under the sun.
So we are going to now go into our subscriber lounge where we have bonus hate and love mail subscriber headlines of the week.
Classic article of the week.
We need a special guest this week.
We're going to talk to one of our Babylon B subscribers who has some super interesting missionary stories.
So let's do that.
Are we ready?
Cool.
Let's jump in.
Coming up next for Babylon B subscribers.
So there's like a motorcycle gang of missionaries that go around terrorizing the cruising around like, have you heard of Jesus?
So what's your coolest missionary story that you tell at fun parties?
At least he invoked his God and not our God.
Is it okay to use the Mormons God's name in faith?
Oh, we have more.
How much haymail did you guys hate this week?
If we focus on the infinite attributes of God, all-knowing and all-powerful, then how much difference is there really between God's foreknowledge and God for daniting?
Have you ever punched anyone or been punched?
Yeah, are we talking about Justin the Fist or are we talking about like with a car or something?
Why do you punch somebody with a car?
Have you ever punched it?
That's a whole vehicular homicide.
This has been another edition of the Be Weekly from the dedicated team of certified fake news journalists you can trust here at the Babylon Bee.
Reminding you that someone out there knows something about Carmen.