The Bee Weekly: Unboxing Joel Osteen's Prosperity Cube
Kyle and Adam are joined by Jarret Lemaster to discuss the recent event at the Oscars and our favorite Hero of the Faith: Joel Osteen. We have another edition of Babylon Bee Radio courtesy of Austin Robertson. He serves up the fakest news you can get. And how could you forget Weakly News with Adam Yenser? It's knee-slappin' - or face-slappin' - good. Then the three vote on what is or is not heresy from various Joel Osteen quotes by putting a dollar in our Heresy Jar. We also look back on previous Joel Osteen headlines. This is followed by a couple's account of how Putin is affecting their relationship. This episode is brought to you by: Undertac Faithful Counseling Revolution Allegiance Gold
Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars, putting the world on notice that the Oscars are still a thing that happens.
Ron DeSantis signed what leftists are calling the don't say gay bill in Florida, and now kindergarten teachers are sad that they can't teach all that sex stuff that they said they weren't teaching your kids.
Biden talked about regime change in Russia, bringing the whole world together to look forward to a brighter, more atomic future.
We declare blessings for your life as we unpack the theology and the inspiration cube of one of America's biggest heroes of the faith, Joel Oski.
All this and moron, the B weekly.
All right, well, I'm sure you guys are all sick of hearing about it already, but Will Smith slap Chris Rock at the face of the story.
Oh, wait, wait, staged, real definitely not staged.
That was 100% right.
I followed a conspiracy theory thread on Twitter that was like going in, like showing how they're both smiling afterwards.
But I think that was Chris Rock trying to play it off because he didn't know it caught him clearly by surprise.
And I think this theory that it was like to get ratings is dumb because in the end, Chris Rock was clearly surprised and it hurt the reputations of both Will Smith and the Academy.
It's not something that was like good for them along.
Yeah, I could see like the immediate viewership spike being a good thing.
Well, yeah, and I think that even in that room, people were confused as to whether it was staged at first because when he first hits him, it does feel like a bit until he starts yelling stuff at the stage.
And then you see everyone's like face change in the background as they realize he's really acting like that.
The thing for me was Chris Rock starting to stumble over his words and not know.
Well, what I love is you could tell he could have destroyed Will Smith in that moment.
Because Will Smith, you know, all the rumors about him and Jada, and then he says, keep my wife's name out of your effing mouth.
And you see Chris, the wheel started.
He goes, keep my mind.
He goes, okay, I'm just going to let it go.
That was probably a good idea.
I can't think of a single punchline that would have fit there.
Not a single slab line.
Well, Ron DeSantis also signed the Parental Rights and Education Act, which prohibits teaching kids in K through third grade some stuff about sex and stuff.
So that's.
And people are mad about that.
People are super mad.
So they're responding to this by chanting gay.
It's so ridiculous.
And didn't they do that at the Oscars?
Amy Schumer and Wanda Slake.
They did make a cheer where they just did the word gay.
We're going to have a great night tonight.
And for you people in Florida, we're going to have a gay night.
Yay!
Watch that.
But that's not even what the bill say, they still don't get it.
That that's not even what the bill says.
Yeah.
So they do such a good job.
The left does such a good job at labeling things and saying, why would you vote for the don't say gay bill?
You know, it's the murder puppies bill.
Why are you against it?
Or why are you for it or whatever?
Well, I guess Biden was also on this European tour and he's called, he's he called for regime change and saying, for God's sake, this man cannot remain in power.
And then he told U.S. troops stationed in Poland, you're going to see when you're there.
And some of you have been there, you're going to see, you're going to see women, young people standing in the middle of the front of a tank saying, I'm not leaving, I'm holding my ground.
So yeah, he really came up.
When I saw the quote, I was like, oh, he's saying that we should like assassinate Putin.
Yeah, oppose this leader.
Got to get him out of there.
And then he refused to back down on it.
Like the White House tried to back off the statements Jagasaki did.
But Biden himself kind of stood by those statements.
Yeah.
But they walked back as walk back.
What a strong, competent leader we have.
Yes.
It's wonderful.
So smart.
Yeah.
Well, in the meantime, while World War III is about to break out, we have a Babylon B banger of the week.
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I don't want to know what they use the tactical pocket for.
Banger of the week.
Adam, not this one, the guy from the Bible.
Adam confused by new creature God put in garden as he is not a biologist.
This whole biologist thing was a crazy thing.
I know by the time this comes out, the biologist thing will be weeks old and nobody will even remember what happened with them.
With Katanji Jackson.
That was such a funny thing.
If you remember back when she said that.
Funny in a sad way.
Yeah.
So funny.
And we had also had a runner-up.
Have we ever done a runner-up?
Runner-up banger of the week.
Are you a woman?
12 signs to look for.
I like those lists where just the headline makes it.
You did a TikTok of this as well.
Yeah, and that's our number one TikTok.
So I don't know if that's a good sign or a bad sign.
It was good.
It was a funny ticket.
It's kind of a dishonor to have something do well on TikTok, I think.
Yeah.
A lot of people think you need to be a biologist to find out what a woman is, but we don't think so.
Are you a woman?
12 signs to look for.
All right, here we go.
Number one, are you always cold?
Number two, has a human ever just popped out of you?
Number three, have you ever decorated a bed with six or more pillows?
Might be a warning sign.
Number four, can you tell the difference between cream white and rustic farmhouse white?
Check that out.
Might be a woman.
Number five, have you run into a curb in the past 24 hours?
Be honest, Carol.
Number six, I'll just let you just read that one.
Number seven, does it take you over three hours to decide what you want to eat for dinner?
Number eight, are you currently a member of at least three pyramid schemes?
Number nine, do you find even simple movie plots hard to follow?
Number ten, do you frequently describe your emotional state as fine when you are not, in fact, fine?
Number eleven, is your Starbucks drink order anything other than black coffee?
And finally, number 12, do you have two X chromosomes?
If you answered yes to any or most of these questions, you might be able to.
We did have a bomb of the week, though, sadly.
Bomb of the week.
This is my favorite article of the week.
Conservative parents remind dancing teens to leave room for Reagan.
I loved this because this was inspired by an event that happened here.
We had some people in here visiting, and they came over here to take a picture with us, and they wanted the Reagan picture in the background.
And it was either me or Travis or one of them.
Somebody said, wait, leave room for Reagan.
And they were like, oh, that sounds like something like the leave room for the Holy Spirit.
But something conservative parents would say when you're dancing, I didn't know that's where it came from, and I thought it was funny.
Travis pitched it in the writer's group there.
That was my favorite headline of the week.
I like that one.
I thought it was great too.
All right.
Well, hey, we got some Babylon Bee stories to be read to you lovingly by Austin Robertson with B Radio.
Let's go.
Factually inaccurate.
Morally correct.
This is Babylon B Radio.
Our top story.
Disney Plus has announced new parental features coming to the popular streaming platform.
In a statement, Disney CEO Bob Chapek said, quote, we have to stick to our core values, and that is to influence and fill young minds with content that we want them to see without mommy and daddy's knowledge.
We believe children learn the most from a free environment, one that's not stifled by adult supervision.
Now, before viewing any content intended for children, users will have to confirm that no parents are in the room, only young, susceptible children.
They will be prompted to answer as follows.
You must be 18 or younger, preferably in kindergarten to third grade.
Please confirm that no parents are in the room before continuing.
At publishing time, Disney confirmed that any parents found violating the rules by staying and watching in the room are subject to legal fees and having their children taken away by child protective services.
On July 1st, teachers throughout Florida will no longer be permitted to encourage discussions about sex with children in grades kindergarten through grade three.
Florida teachers have been adamant that they've never encouraged such discussions in their classrooms, but they're weirdly outraged that they'll no longer be able to.
Third grade teacher mixed Pat Brumage Z-Zer had begun teaching ZIR students about LGBTQ culture full-time ahead of the July 1st deadline.
Look, I don't premium kids.
I don't have to constantly explain why I look like a porcelain fish being.
This law is going to erase me as an individual.
My sexual identity and favorite pinks are my entire identity.
If I can't show that with children, which I don't, then I don't know what I'm going to do.
Teach math?
Students are reportedly failing at math and science, but excelling at peer pressuring other children to switch genders at will.
Teachers insist that the kids are doing that all on their own with no input whatsoever from school staff.
NBC is bringing a brand new show starring Dave Ramsey to its 2022 fall lineup.
The show will be called To Catch a Borrower and will feature the intimidating author of Financial Peace, setting up sting operations to catch Christians in the act of buying things on their credit card.
The pilot episode features Ramsey ambushing Christian John Mettingly in the shameful act of purchasing a new set of golf clubs with his visa.
Hi there, John.
Why don't you just have a seat there?
You freaking idiot?
Do you know who I am?
I'm Dave freaking Ramsey and you're broke, stupid.
What makes you think you can afford these golf clubs when you haven't even finished Baby Step 2?
I'll tell you what you can buy, buddy.
Beans and rice, rice and beans.
The thrilling new show, based loosely on To Catch a Predator with Chris Hansen, will have Dave Ramsey and his team set up hidden cameras in department stores, as well as the homes of couples who are following his Financial Peace University program.
They will then pose as telemarketers, online merchants, or store employees to tempt the hapless borrowers into borrowing even more.
The people of Israel have repented after the prophet Elijah showed them the power of Yahweh and exposed the 450 prophets of Baal as frauds who believe in a false God.
Still, several leaders throughout Israel have criticized the prophet for his, quote, harsh tone and unloving satire.
Yeah, I know our entire nation's forsaken the true God of heaven to follow idols, but really did he have to use verbal attacks like that?
He told the prophets of Baal, maybe your God is taking a dump on the toilet and can't hear you.
That's just crude and uncalled for.
Sources confirmed that while the prophets of Baal danced around their altar begging Baal to send down fire and consume the sacrifice, Elijah made several abrasive comments, suggesting maybe Baal was too busy, thinking, sleeping, or pooping.
I just don't see how satire like that reflects a love of God.
Does Elijah really think people accept the true God when he's speaking so harshly all the time?
Critics were further incensed when, after Elijah called down fire from heaven to consume his offering and show the power of the true God, he then proceeded to kill all the prophets of Baal.
In a tragic development, the White House attempting to walk back the statement that no one is walking back statements has ripped open a hole in the space-time continuum, annihilating the White House press briefing room.
Let me take a moment to circle back to President Biden's statement that no one is walking back statements.
We are going to walk back that statement.
Now, this current statement, we promise, will not be walked back.
So, you can trust the not walking back of this walk back of not walking back.
Oh, my God, what is it?
Journalists were rapidly sucked into the developing abyss, followed by Saki herself.
Peter Doocy bravely lunged directly into the black hole to save Saki, his one true love.
Sadly, lunging into black holes never works out well, and Doocy was immediately crushed.
At publishing time, writers for the Babylon B were bracing themselves for the onslaught of nerds, telling them how, actually, holes in space-time aren't real, or whatever.
Now, you're up to date on the only news that matters.
Find more fake news you can trust at BabylonB.com.
Until next time, this is Austin Robertson, the voice of the Babylon B.
So long.
All right, that B radio was hilarious, but now we have something even more hilarious.
Adam's favorite segment of the week.
Weekly news with Adam Yenser.
It's all of our favorite segments.
Treasure in Heaven is great, but it's not going to buy you a tank of gas.
So let's take a moment to briefly review the current state of our economy and the global effect the war between Russia and Ukraine has had.
We're in for a tough year here, and Biden's printing and spending could be catastrophic for the U.S. dollar and the market.
That's why a growing number of financial analysts are recommending you diversify with gold and silver now.
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It's time for the weekly news with Adam Jetzer.
The Oscars aired on Sunday and were the second lowest rated in history until two hours, 45 minutes, and 18 seconds in, at which point they became the highest rated in history.
A survey found that two out of three people think Will Smith should be charged with a crime.
The survey was taken in 1999 after they watched Wild, Wild West.
I went on that set.
Coda became the first streaming movie to win Best Picture, proving that a film can win an Oscar on any platform so long as nobody watched it.
A plus-sized model called out Delta on TikTok because their seatbelts don't fit around her waist and because the jet bridge collapsed.
Oh no.
Epstein Island is now for sale.
It features a beautiful estate, a guest house, and plenty of room for kids to run around.
Some sad news, rock drummer Taylor Hawkins died this week at the age of 50 after a long fight with Fu.
Oh no.
Researchers at Harvard and MIT have found that despite previous claims, alcohol provides no health benefits.
Students conducted the research in their physiology class after their physiology class, the night before their physiology class, and on weekends.
Saudi Arabia has finally announced plans for the country's first ski resort after making women wear ski masks for 1,300 years.
The Tin Man's oil can from The Wizard of Oz sold at auction for $250,000 coincidentally to someone who doesn't have a brain.
The price works out to $50,000 for the can and $200,000 for the three drops of oil left inside.
Oh, man.
Phil Collins and Genesis performed their final concert at the O2 Arena in London this week, four years after their final fandom.
U.S. troops in Poland are training Ukrainian soldiers how to use weapons provided by the West and explaining to the Polox why their submarines shouldn't have screen doors.
Oh man.
I love a good Polox show.
It's been a while.
It's been a while.
North Carolina Republican Madison Cawthorne claims DC elites invited him to an orgy.
In fairness, they heard the name Madison Cawthorne and assumed he was a female porn star.
The Supreme Court is going to consider whether Andy Warhol committed copyright infringement with his silk screen images of Prince.
It's the case of two dead guys versus none of this matters anymore.
The world's first space hotel is scheduled to open in 2027, sucking everyone inside out into space.
Open.
I get it.
The NFL has announced it is creating a new diversity committee.
I don't know why.
The NFL is already the only industry that has just one elderly white man.
Pete Davidson got a new tattoo that says, My girl is a lawyer, even though Kim Kardashian is not technically a lawyer and is also not technically his girl since that belongs to the streets.
Oh my goodness.
Other word over it.
You guys will find some other word to put over it.
All right, I did a Tom Brady joke and a Pete Davidson joke, so I should be almost done.
Study found that one in four Americans have eaten out of the trash or while sitting on the toilet.
Now, I admit, I have never eaten on the toilet, but I have eaten out of the trash before.
But what I do is I pull my mask down to eat out of the trash, then put it back up again so I don't catch COVID.
That's it for the weekly news.
If you want to see more, check out the canceled news on my YouTube channel.
Well, that was certainly Adam's favorite segment on the podcast.
Let's move on to Heroes of the Faith.
And now it's time for this week's Heroes of the Faith.
So Heroes of the Faith is a segment where we feature heroes of the faith.
And this week we are talking about the greatest of the heroic heroes of the faith, Joel Osteen.
That's right.
So if you're not familiar with Joel Osteen, then, well, you probably don't read The Babylon B, but he is a prosperity televangelist, and he's kind of a word faith, light, charismatic type guy.
One of his big teachings that has caused controversy is this word faith movement that your words have the power to speak things into existence.
It's very much the law of attraction or, you know, the old Dale Carnegie stuff and the Napoleon Hill stuff.
The secret.
It's the secret.
Every 10 or 20 years, there's a book that repackages the same idea.
Right.
It's just a new age idea.
War and over.
Yeah, and he happened to do it for the Christian market, and it worked very well.
But he's not the only one.
There's quite a few.
He spent millions of dollars into a church.
He did it for himself.
He did.
It's almost like it is a lot like a pyramid scheme.
It worked for him.
Yeah, for sure.
It always works for those guys, right?
They're always driving Teslas, you know.
His church is one of the largest megachurches in the United States, Lakewood Church in Houston, and it has about 45,000 people attending.
It's like the old Houston Rockets Arena or something.
It's a big stadium.
We have 45,000 people attending and $600,000 in the walls.
We'll get to that.
So it says it's a 17,000-seat church.
So maybe they have multiple services, or maybe 45,000 is like membership or something.
I don't know.
It's the former Compact Center Basketball Arena.
His big book back in the 90s, or maybe it was early 2000s, late 90s, was Your Best Life Now.
Oh, that's right.
Yes.
Your best life now.
People quote that title all the time.
Live Your Best Life.
Yeah.
So here's what Osteen had to say about the prosperity gospel.
I get grouped into the prosperity gospel, and I don't think that's fair, but it's just what it is.
I think prosperity, and I've said it a thousand times, it's being healthy, it's having great children, it's having peace of mind.
Money is a part of it, and yes, I believe God wants us to excel, to be blessed, so we can be a bigger blessing to others.
I feel very rewarded.
I wrote a book and sold millions of copies, and Victoria and I were able to help more people than we ever dreamed of.
But when I hear the term prosperity gospel, I think people are sometimes saying, Well, he's just asking for money.
Yeah, sometimes we are sent to the money.
Now, one interesting thing to me about Osteen is that he's not as blatant as the guys like Benny Hinn and Kenneth Copeland, Kenneth Copeland.
He's not flow dollars, right?
I'm sure he does like fly private jets, and I'm sure he has some nice cars, but he doesn't, yeah, he doesn't flaunt it like the other guys do.
I think he's a little smarter about like not well.
I would say, too, though, like if you're looking at Lakewood Church, there's a lot of actual Christians that go there, sure, and a lot of people that are part of their ministries.
And what I've heard, what I've heard about is like the stuff you hear on the radio about all this kind of prosperity stuff, the stuff they use as sort of an attractional thing to get people in, is really not the whole story.
Like, a lot of their small groups and that kind of stuff, their curriculum is actually gospel-centered, but you don't hear how often do you go?
Not often, not not that often.
But it is interesting, it all kind of comes from Norman Vincent Peel and the power of positive thinking, like way back in the day.
Norman, it's like this is a long, this has a long history.
Yeah, so he was most recently in the news in December 3rd, 2021, when NBC News reported that a plumber found cash and checks behind a wall in the bathroom behind a toilet being repaired at Lakewood Church, and they found $600,000 in the wall.
That's crazy.
And there was something where they had said that amount of money had been stolen or frauded from the church.
There was $600,000 stolen from a safe in 2014.
So somebody stole it.
Somebody stole it and put it back.
Hid it in the walls.
Osteen, I'm looking at you.
Maybe he was trying to get him for tax evasion or something.
Yeah.
Trying to get after those guys.
Now, one thing that he got some criticism for was in Hurricane Harvey in 2017 because they were saying, oh, he's not letting people in.
I actually thought that I'm the biggest Osteen critic.
I thought this was a little overblown because it seemed like in the moment he was like, nobody asked me to open the church up.
I didn't.
He's like, as soon as the authorities asked for, you know, for people for a safe place, I opened it up.
So I thought that was a little unfair that people dogpiled on him for that.
But then he went up there and made a contradictory statement about it and it started to look bad for him.
But he sometimes gets slammed unfairly.
Like people, I think there was a fake photo of him driving around in a Lambo or something and it wasn't actually him.
And so people were slamming it.
This wasn't his Lambo.
It was somebody else.
His was at home.
All right.
So we have a couple of fun things we're going to do with Osteen right now.
First off, I wanted to see if we could beef up our heresy jar with some extra cash.
So I have a bunch of Osteen quotes here.
Okay.
I got six of them.
And for each one that we think is heresy, we'll put a dollar in.
So I guess we could just take terms.
This is a fun game.
Yeah.
We'll take turns reading this.
Okay.
Here's one.
If you develop an image of success, health, abundance, joy, peace, happiness, nothing on earth will be able to hold those things from you.
I'm going to say heresy.
See, I think it's false, but because you didn't invoke God or Christianity, I think it's an incorrect idea, but I don't know that I think it's heresy person.
Yeah, so there's kind of a kind of narrow definition of what heresy is.
I feel like it sounds like something Tony Robbins would say.
But okay, so you know, the definition of heresy is taking traditional Christian and Orthodox guys and intentionally twisting it to fit a new idea.
So that's the definition of heresy, right?
So it's Orthodox Christianity.
But he's a pastor, right?
So this is what he says.
If he's saying it in a religious context, then yes.
If this was part of a religious sermon, then I would say it's heresy.
He's saying, keep this image in your mind and it will be successful.
And you'll be successful.
So, yes, I would say that our blessed Babylon B founder, Adam Ford, had a comic that he did once where he had a bunch of Osteen tweets and he photoshopped Osteen shouting them at martyrs in the first century.
And I think this context, develop an image of health and abundance.
Yes.
Heresy.
I'm declaring it.
Dollar in the jar.
Or like, you know, let's go to a third world country and say it to everybody.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
All right.
Who wants to read quote number two?
All of us are born for earthly greatness.
You were born to win.
I think that's heresy.
I mean, it depends on what he means.
What?
Who's Jared?
I don't think anybody's the biggest Osteen fan to join us on the Osteen special.
I am not the biggest person.
I'm putting a dollar in.
I don't think any one person, or certainly not all of humanity, was born for earthly greatness.
That's really happy.
Okay, you're right.
I'll say that.
Yeah.
Let's just clarify.
We're good.
Because I'm thinking a million years from now.
That's what I'm thinking.
We are born.
Yeah.
But that's not going to be earthly greatness necessarily.
All right.
You got quote number three for us, Jared.
Okay, where is it?
It's the third one down.
Third dot.
I'm seeing a picture.
I don't know where that is.
Wait a minute.
What picture are you looking at?
Oh, here we go.
The heresy jar.
The highlighted one.
Oh, yeah.
Yep.
Okay, here we go.
God wants you to live in abundance.
You were born to be a champion.
He wants to give you the desires of your heart.
Okay, can we all agree on this one?
Yes.
And it makes it even more heretical when you do it in his voice.
It sounds even more offensive.
All right, number four.
Although, John 17 does say that Christ came to give us life abundance, but he didn't mean this.
Okay, number four.
I certainly can't say that I agree with everything I've heard about Mormonism.
But from what I've heard from Mitt Romney, when he says that Christ is his savior, to me, that's a common bond.
Yeah, that's.
Yeah.
Were you shaking your head like not heresy?
I don't know.
I still think saying, did Mitt Romney really say that Christ is his savior?
Because I don't agree with what Mormons believe in the big picture about Christ, but he didn't specifically call them Christian.
He's saying it's a common bond thing.
So I don't know.
Yeah, you know what?
I mean, it's nuanced.
It's kind of finding common ground to talk to people with different points of view.
Now, if he would have said Mormonism is correct and I agree with their theology, I would say that.
Never say that's heresy.
I'm just going to add that in here.
Okay.
Mormonism is direct, and I agree with their boom, dollar in the jar.
Osteen does seem like the type of guy that would be popular with Mormons, doesn't he?
Probably.
Well, you can be popular.
He's popular with everyone.
Yeah.
You can be because this is your water.
He doesn't do Ospel.
You can sort of like.
Am I up here now?
Yeah, you're up.
You are living a holy, consecrated life, but you're not really experiencing God's supernatural favor.
Favor.
And it's simply because you're not declaring it.
You've got to give life to your faith by speaking it out.
You can cancel out God's plan by speaking negative words.
God works by laws.
There's quite a few things.
Okay, there's so many.
There's so much.
There's multiple heresies.
All right, we're going to put in two dollars.
Okay, here we go.
All right, we got one more Osteen quote.
This is a long one.
All right.
You going to take it or me?
I could do it.
Our words have creative power.
When we speak something out, we give it the right to come to pass.
It's one thing to believe that you're healed, but when you say, I am healed, that releases the healing.
It's not enough to just believe you have favor, that you're blessed, that you're going to fulfill your dreams.
The scripture says the spirit of faith is in our words.
When you say, I have favor and I'm coming out of debt, good breaks will find you.
The right people will track you down.
You can think positive, believe for favor, and pray for God's blessings.
That's all good.
But nothing happens until you speak.
The miracle is in your mouth.
There is healing.
There is freedom.
There are new levels in your mouth.
That sounds like a toothpaste convertible.
The miracle out of your effing mouth.
I was going to say, my wife's name is in my mouth.
All right, I'm just going to put the rest of the dollars that I have in.
So now we've got the team party safely.
He's specifically taking 2 Corinthians 4.13 out of context when he says that.
He says, we have the same spirit of faith according as it is written, I believe and therefore I have spoken.
We also believe and therefore speak.
But that's referring to the gospel, the faith, meaning like the Orthodox faith being handed down, speaking those truths.
Not me speaking $100,000.
It's agreeing with the gospel that the apostles preached.
That's what that means.
So we have something fun here.
Cool.
This is the Joel Osteen Inspiration Cube, which you can get online.
Oh, no.
And you can put this thing next to your bed or whatever.
And Osteen will speak words of inspiration and such directly to you.
Can you ask it for advice?
Alexa, is it like a magic eight ball?
Right.
I don't know.
Can I take, should I take this job?
I think a magic eight ball is probably more theologically grounded than the thing is.
Not likely.
Yeah, because it just comes back with like just little phrases.
It says it's loaded up.
Inspiration ready.
All right, let's do it.
I want to be inspired.
So here's your daily inspiration.
We give life to what we speak.
If you start speaking the negative, agreeing with the doubt, talking about how big the problem is, you are giving life to the wrong things.
Your words can keep you from your destiny.
In the scripture, an angel told a man named Zachariah that his wife was going to have a baby.
Daily inspiration.
He was surprised.
Zachariah said to the angel, Are you sure?
Look how old we are.
Okay, you can also do a daily affirmation.
I don't know what the difference is.
God is going before you, making crooked places straight.
He's already lined up the right people, the right...
That's right.
Look at this.
365 daily inspirations.
Everything that doesn't line up with God's vision for your life is subject to change.
Sickness, trouble, lack, mediocrity.
So your daily inspiration, your daily affirmation.
They have 365 of these, apparently.
And there's also a weekly sermon.
You don't even have to go to church.
You don't even have to get out of bed.
There's 52 sermons.
So you get every Sunday.
There's 52 sermons.
Maybe I'll start going to that church if I don't have to get out of here.
One for every Sunday of the year where you don't have to go to church.
He has that Matthew McConnell thing where he does the, listen, listen, everybody.
He kind of does this.
Yeah, test it out.
Let's do another affirmation.
Okay, it's great.
It just says Joel.
I actually like this logo, Joel.
Joel.
I feel really encouraged, though.
Can you please play another one?
Yeah.
Just hit the arrow key.
Can we declare that the guy with the leaf?
The leaf blower goes away?
Oh, I think I ran out of affirmations.
That leaf blower shuts down.
Here we go.
Joel is speaking.
Jared.
I was speaking.
I declare that you are a people builder.
You will look for opportunities to encourage others by bringing out the best in them and to help them accomplish their dreams.
You will speak words of faith and victory, affirming them, approving them, letting them know that they are valued.
I declare that you will call out their seeds of greatness, helping them to rise higher and become all that God created them to be.
See, I don't disagree with that at all.
I actually think that's true, and we should be doing good stuff.
But what he's doing is this word of faith declaration.
It's like a horoscope.
It's the big like today.
I declare for you that there will be a sick person in your life and you will, you know.
And I feel like one of the big faults of that sort of theology, he does take some ideas that have biblical roots, but it seems to set people up for that old problem of when something bad happens in your life, he's teaching you that you can expect all this good stuff to happen.
And then it's like, oh, why am I not getting what I wanted?
Yeah, I think that's the danger of things not going well.
Well, it's kind of the same thing as the progressive church where they sort of live in the now more than anything else.
They're trying to build a worldly kingdom, an earthly kingdom, a temporary kingdom where God has this kind of long view.
He's looking at the eternal.
So when all the blessings we talk about in scripture, yes, we get some of them here.
We see through a glass darkly.
But then eventually, like when we are in eternity, that's when we really have the fulfillment of all these things.
Yeah, so your best life now.
It's not your best life.
Like, think of us in a million years.
Maybe some of this stuff will be true.
Well, and I think that is the danger, is that Osteen is one of those guys who's kind of almost close, you know, where he is saying things that are like, yeah, there's some truth to that.
But then he mixes in that little bit of lie that he makes it about you and your own declarations.
And a lot of it I wouldn't have a problem with if he was like a Tony Robbins or a motivational speaker.
It's just that he twists it in with Christian theology that it makes it something it shouldn't be.
Well, and obviously, and I think, too, the fact that everyone, he has such a massive following is probably an indication that it's probably not really correct.
It's probably more of a, you know, like, you know.
I think we had an old Babylon B headline.
I don't know if we ever heard that.
Everybody hates Joel Osteen.
There was a Babylon B headline pitch we were going to do that was something like preach, you know, like a preacher and everybody starts flooding into his church and he starts worrying that he's a heretic.
That's right.
What am I doing?
It's like it's either the blessing of God or, you know, like the anointing of the spirit, or it's I'm teaching something wrong here.
He starts worrying that he has to get rid of some of his charisma.
Well, we have a few.
The Babylon Bee has favored Joel Osteen and declared him to be one of our favorite punching bags.
Here's a couple of our Babylon Bee articles from the past.
Joel Osteen sails luxury yacht through flooded Houston to pass out copies of your best life now.
That was one of our early Snopes articles from Osteen.
Fact check false.
Joel Osteen launches a line of pastoral wear, sheep's clothing.
I saw that one.
I remember before I was with you guys.
That was a good one.
Also, snoped.
Joel Osteen Googles, what is a Trinity?
Horrified Joel Osteen learns about crucifixion.
That was a sad day.
Joel Osteen apologizes for using Lord's name in sermon.
That's good.
Well, got a couple more here, but Joel Osteen tests negative for Christianity.
That's good.
More current.
That's more current.
This is after the cash one.
This one bombed, but it's demo day, shouts Joel Osteen, taking a sledgehammer to church walls.
I love that one.
Kanye selects Joel Osteen as running mate.
The power of positive declarations.
Joel Osteen can now fly.
That was one of our earliest articles.
All right.
Well, we love you, Joel Osteen, and we pray that you would, you know, find the gospel.
And yeah.
Hey, just live your best life.
And it would be just live your best life now.
Read that book by Kosti Hinn.
We, yeah, read the Kosti Hin book.
That would help you.
That was a good book.
It was.
So there was a husband that blamed everything on Putin, and we have a video of it.
So let's check that out.
Hey, everyone.
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Honey, did you go grocery shopping like you said you would?
Uh, that's uh, that's Putin's fault, babe.
Groceries cost too much since uh Putin's price hike.
And you didn't fill up the car with gas either.
It's almost empty.
Yeah, that's that's uh that's Putin too, you know.
Because he uh he made the thing.
What did he made it expensive?
So you just stayed home all day and did nothing instead?
Look at this mess!
What do you have to say for yourself?
That's Putin too.
What do you mean?
And why is this sink full of dishes?
Putin.
What are you talking about?
How is any of this Putin's fault?
Uh, you know, Putin, the president of Russia, which is a big country, and then he invaded Ukraine, which is a small country, thereby causing all the world's problems right now.
So, everything that you're seeing right now, everything, all this, it's all Putin.
It's all his fault.
What does that have to do with any of this?
Well, I just told you!
Hey, it's the passage of time!
The man's crazy, okay?
He's gone completely mad, causing the entire world to suffer.
So, if you're gonna be mad at anybody right now, I just think you should be mad at Putin.
What's the deal with this pile of laundry then?
Looks like Vladimir hasn't been putting his clothes away.
And this trash hasn't been taken out in weeks.
That's Putin's garbage pile.
And you haven't mowed the lawn in months.
Neither is Vladimir Putin.
What happened to all the money in our savings account?
I bet it was those Russian hackers.
Unbelievable!
Okay, now, how can you possibly explain forgetting about our wedding anniversary last month before Putin even invaded?
Huh?
Uh.
Oh, did you just that was Putin in more ways than one?
Listen, you have some serious problems and you need to start taking responsibility for your own actions without blaming Putin.
And I.
I need some fresh air.
World War III has officially begun.
Trump.
That husband looked similar to the real jerk.
That's what he looked like.
Well, we got some hate mail now.
As a Christian, you know that God is always there for you, but sometimes things in this life can get overwhelming.
It's a crazy time, especially with the pandemic and all that stuff.
It's important to speak to a counselor, but you definitely want to talk to one who shares your faith and values.
Online counseling from Faithful Counseling is there for you.
You have Christian counselors who share your faith, who can deal with crisis of faith issues, and just deal with normal stuff that every human deals with, like depression, stress, anxiety, relationships, all that kind of stuff.
You can get help on your own time and at your own pace.
You can schedule a secure video chat with a counselor.
Everything you share is confidential.
They have 3,000 U.S. licensed therapists across all 50 states.
It's secure, convenient, professional, and affordable.
Listeners get 10% off your first month at faithfulcounseling.com/slash Babylon B. Don't wait another minute.
You can get started today.
Go to faithfulcounseling.com/slash Babylon B. You're going to fill out a questionnaire and it'll help them assess your needs and get you matched with a counselor who shares your faith and a counselor that you'll love.
That's faithfulcounseling.com/slash Babylon B.
I really miss Adam Ford.
Hold on, is this the whole thing?
Yeah, he just emailed us.
Reason, it's from Charles Edward Grant.
The reason says complain.
And the message is, I have a five-page document which will explain my concerns.
Please provide your fax number.
Did we ever send it to him?
He wants to fax us five pages of complaints.
So he emailed you to send you a fax.
He said, please give me your fax number.
I have a lot of complaints and I want a fax.
I'm trying to figure out what so he must have typed it and then had to make a copy or like put it through a fax machine.
He's just an old guy, probably.
Yeah.
Or maybe he hand wrote it and he wants to fax it.
Maybe that's it.
Maybe he handwrote it.
So I'm going to provide him with an e-fax number and we are going to get this for a future episode.
So stay tuned.
We're going to find out what his five-page document says.
His manifesto.
His manifesto.
This is scary.
All right.
Here we go.
Let's go to the subscriber lounge where we have bonus hate mail classic Babylon B articles of the week and subscriber headlines of the week.
Let's go.
Coming up next for Babylon B subscribers.
Here, I did a TikTok, which I'm very ashamed of.
I want to walk off the show.
I didn't know you were into that.
I just like finding out a friend does drugs.
This one's from my favorite Pure Teage.
Now pay close attention, says Taliban teacher in human bomb class.
I'm only going to do this once.
This has been another edition of the Be Weekly from the dedicated team of certified fake news journalists you can trust here at the Babylon Bee.
Reminding you that someone out there knows something about Carmen.