THE BEE WEEKLY: Rainbow Dill Pickle Monkey, Ask a Woman, and the Sunday Scaries
In this episode of The Bee Weekly, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicolle are joined by musician, actress, and comedienne Chandler Juliet to talk about the most recent bad takes on social media, making music during the pandemic, and the library in the UK being forced to apologize for the "rainbow dill pickle monkey" brought in to entertain children. They talk about weird news of the week, get to ask a woman what others are apparently asking Google about women, and also read our glorious hate mail. Be sure to listen to Chandler's music and YouTube Channel. One of our commenters point on Ethan's sincerity eyebrows before Chandler tests her musical chops with The Babylon Bee's Worship Song Generator. Kyle, Ethan, and Chandler see what's weird in the world like a rancher surviving being pinned by his ATV through the power of beer, people in Portland being frightened by a pickup truck, and the world's smallest cow. The White House, the New York Times, and someone in Canada who loves burning churches all make it into our Real Things Blue Checks Say segment. Chandler talks about her music during the pandemic and then answers the questions about women that men are apparently typing into Google about women. Chandler joins Kyle and Ethan for our super-exclusive Subscribers Lounge and even answers The Ten Questions.
Wyoming Rancher survives on beer for two days after getting pinned under his ATV.
Michigan man digs a hole in their home to find bowling balls.
158 of them.
This Portland resident got extremely triggered when he saw a big, scary truck.
Biden and Kamala get rid of our Sunday scaries.
Cubans heard shouting horrible anti-government words in the street.
Like for instance, freedom!
And ask a woman anything.
All this and more on the bee weekly.
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Yeah, be part of the community, the in-crowd, the B crowd.
Okay, cool.
So here we are.
Hi, everybody.
Babylon Bee Show thing.
What is it called?
The weekly show.
The weekly.
The weekly.
Because we do it every week.
Because that's why.
It's very cool.
Yeah, and every week we have a new guest.
And this week we have, is it Chandler or Chandler?
Chandler.
Chandler Juliet.
Juliet.
Yes.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi.
Thank you so much for having me.
Chandler is an actress, singer, actress, online personality.
What else?
Yeah, singer-songwriter, actress, funny.
Funny girl.
Funny.
I will say funny girl.
I don't do stand-up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I just like to do sketch and improv.
Okay.
And, you know, music took off first.
I've been focusing on that since I graduated college a few years ago.
And during the panini, I can't even say it.
I have been making myself.
Struggling, right?
Figure out new ways to survive when you perform for a living.
Yeah, exactly.
Performing on stage is kind of like my anointing, as my mom would always say.
And yes, Catholic raised, as you can tell.
They say anointing in Catholic.
That sounds like my dad who was Pentecostal.
Yeah, I've never heard a Catholic say anointing.
Do they say anointing, Patrick?
He's our Catholic.
Okay.
She just said, you know, stay in your anointing.
Talk to God and figure out what you're going to do.
So music, I grew up in a musical family.
My parents are session players, so I've been playing music my whole life.
And it's a lot of fun.
We regular Christians say calling.
But Catholics say God has called me.
Anointing.
Well, one in the same.
And yeah, I wasn't able to hit the stage for a long time.
So my roommate and I just were producing fun beats and we did a couple like funnier rap songs and we did a parody type video if COVID-19 was a rapper.
And I'm super proud of that one.
I dressed up as like this crazy.
Because it has the number and a word.
Yeah, exactly.
And I put this like caution tape bra on.
It was like profane and offensive.
It was awesome.
So yeah, I've been getting more into sketches.
We can't recommend it.
We can't recommend it to our business.
Ah, man.
To our homeschool audience.
Yes.
The people who just come from the politics and you leave the Christianity stuff, go watch it.
But now if you're here, I mean, you've been wanting to perform, you're hungry to perform.
We have a worship song generator that just generates a random worship song.
Would you want to try to do a random worship song?
She said yes.
She said yes before.
Yeah.
Pretending like she's just being put on a spot.
Oh, I thought we were trying to make it seem like this is on the spot.
Oh, yeah.
I was, and Kyle hijacked it.
So wait.
So you said the oh, there we go.
So he's giving it to you right here.
It's been randomly generated by our worship song, Jenny.
She a good beat.
She's R and B kind of, you know, she's got, she's got a beat.
He plays pretty white.
I mean, we've all yelled him.
And we got a verse chorus and then, yeah, you gotta.
Here comes the verse.
Your electricity is sparking all around us now, Jesus.
Yeah, that's pretty good, yeah.
I guess it just repeats four times.
So you just go to the chorus.
You just do the chorus now.
Chorus.
So give me the fire, fire, fire.
Now, Jesus.
That's not bad.
Wow.
So give me the fire, fire, fire.
Now, Jesus.
So it's real.
We're going to take it to the bridge now.
Okay, we're going to the bridge.
We won't stop and we can't stop loving you, Jesus.
I'm just adding Jesus to everyone.
We can't stop.
No, we won't stop.
Oh, Jesus.
So give me the fire.
Fire, fire.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah.
So give me the fire.
Oh, Jesus.
He's got the position.
Can we just bring you?
I don't know why you stand faith-wise, but we just bring you to like to the throne room of God right now.
Wow.
That was powerful.
That was like an anointing there.
But is it embarrassing that a computer can generate a song that sounds exactly like I swear we sang that at church I say, yeah, maybe that's what it's doing.
It's just like jumbling up and plagiarizing.
The Holy Spirit can work through that.
I don't know.
That was great.
I don't know if we're going to be able to go on here.
Yeah.
That felt like a show.
I was hoping she'd get like running me over like a dump truck or something like that.
Some of the funny lyrics.
Well, we got comments.
We got videos out this week.
Everybody saw, we had a news desk that just went kind of crazy.
Crazy viral, man.
Because they had the gay men's choir release this video, which I thought was satire.
I think it kind of was.
Is it right-wing satire?
Like making fun of how crazy things gay people say?
Sure.
Not all gay people, just ones that want to go after your children, I guess.
These guys do.
I don't know.
Everyone else is quiet.
Anyway, they wrote a song about going after your children.
Then they're like, is it a joke?
It's a joke.
And was it a joke?
It seems kind of pretty thought out, right?
It seems like it was tongue-in-cheek, but like a little too close to home.
And I had seen it kind of like through the grapevine or whatever.
And I was like, oh, that's weird.
And then I saw your video.
And then I was like, oh, it was just a joke.
And then at the end, I was like, oh, it wasn't a joke.
Triple fake out.
Triple fake out.
Yeah, it seemed like something that they were kind of trying to be like an in-joke with them.
Yeah.
But then nobody thought about like, oh, maybe this would look bad.
Yeah.
I do feel like it would be as if like a gay conversion therapy company had released a song like, We're going to convert your gays.
Like the thing that, you know, be bad, right?
Yeah.
They wouldn't like that.
No.
We had another video that was called Mansplaining Down but Woman Confusion Up.
And it's a poor lady who, you know, nobody mansplains things to her anymore.
So it's gotten hard.
She doesn't know anything.
And it's our very own Wendy Shapiro who does a lot of the voices on our cartoons.
She was here with last week?
Two weeks ago?
No, week before Seamus.
Yeah, we can't keep track.
We don't know what's going on.
Yeah, and it was great.
So watch it.
Yeah, it's funny.
Now we got a comment, and I don't remember we figured out where this came from.
We didn't.
I looked for it.
A guy named Eric Jacobis said, I always look forward to Ethan's sincerity eyebrows.
Is that what this is?
I don't know what he means.
We're trying to find it.
They are pretty sincere.
Is it like when you do that?
I think my eyes water a lot.
I think people think I'm almost crying, but this is watery eyeballs.
No, you didn't say eyes.
Yeah, that's true.
He said eyebrows.
So do you like tweeze them?
Like, do you have any like sincere eyebrow routine you can share?
The only eyebrow grooming that I have is every once in a while my wife suddenly looks at me like, she goes, how did your eyebrow hair get that long?
And there's like one hair that randomly is like way out here, like bouncing around.
Maybe that's the thing that Eric Jacobis is referring to.
It could be.
The sincerely long eyebrow hair.
Usually tweezed.
We need you to like something you're really passionate about.
Like read a GK Chesterton quote or something.
Yeah.
And then we'll see what your eyebrows do.
Like that.
Now you don't look sincere.
Now you look anyway.
Smug.
Well, Eric Jacobis, let us know.
Yeah, send me a screenshot of what you think or anybody in the comments.
And then we can like zoom in and zoom in and zoom in for a while.
Most sincere eyebrow moment.
The eyebrow.
Hey, let's do some weird news.
Yeah.
This news is weird.
Wyoming rancher survives on beer for two days after getting pinned under his ATV.
That's like a bad weekend.
Or as they call it in Wyoming, Friday.
I like that his name's Frank.
It's a good name for a guy who gets pinned under an ATV and drinks beer for two days.
So he's just trying to round a few animals up in his neighbor's pasture, tipped over on him.
Oh, just look at his shoulder.
That's not fun.
Breaking a few.
But beer wouldn't really help you survive, would it?
I guess it's the calories.
Calories?
Yeah, calories.
That's all you need.
But it dehydrates you, right?
Isn't it more important to get water?
But haven't you seen Lone Wolf McQuaid with Chuck Norris?
They buried him in his truck underground.
He knocks open the glove box and there's a six pack of beer in there and he like stabs it open and just chugs the beer.
And then that's what empowers him to like slam on the gas pedal and drive the truck out of the ground and kill all the bad guys.
What are you even talking about?
I need to watch that movie.
It's a movie?
Yeah.
Okay.
But without that beer, you couldn't have done it so that maybe that's what.
But I don't know if the beer pushed this off.
It was Keystone Light.
Yeah, this could be a good ad for them.
Give you the fuel to get through the next time you get pinned under an ATV.
Because it's obviously, like you said, it's Wyoming Friday.
Yeah.
Friday night fever.
The next time you get pinned under an ATV, make it Keystone Light.
There it is.
You heard it here first, folks.
If you see that, let us know.
He could have ate the cans like an older.
Well, that kind of answers it, though, because it's pretty much water, right?
What answers are alcohol.
Oh, right.
Especially if it's Keystone Light.
Only hydrating beer.
Yeah.
Colorado wildlife officials are seeking a bear with a plastic bucket stuck on his head.
How many weeks in a row now is this with stories of a McFlurry?
The first was the McFlurry cup stuck on his head.
Oh.
And then a pickle jar.
And then there was a skunk with a bunch of it.
Now we have a bear of the bucket.
Not the same skunk.
Only weeks after legalizing psychedelics.
For animals?
Yeah.
There's a legal.
Well, they're pushing CBD for animals so hard.
But I mean, that actually seems like a good thing because it does seem to work calming anxious animals down.
But I don't know about here, Jeffrey, take a mushroom and, you know, get through the business.
That need it.
Sucks.
That's what I named myself.
Worst pet name.
But maybe good for a skunk or a bear.
Be nice connected Jeffrey.
So the tweet from the, I mean, it's like the Rangers.
Like, it's a pretty official account here.
It's like CTPW Northeast Region.
There is a bear in the foothills west of Boulder that has a chicken feeder stuck around its head and neck.
You see it?
Please call.
So it's out there.
Wildlife officers would like to remove that bucket.
We'd like to remove that bucket.
We'd like to get that bucket off.
We'd really like to bucket back.
That's our chicken feeding bucket.
Animals do tend to get their heads stuck in things more than humans.
It's not having arms and the opposable thumbs.
You don't think about how nice it is to be able to be able to go.
And maybe it's like a fashion statement.
We don't know.
You know, like they see dogs doing it after, you know, they don't realize why they have that thing.
It does look like a cone.
It's like a conflicted cone.
Like he's trying to break his habit of gnawing at his.
See, he's just showing self-control.
I'm not picking it, you know.
Yeah, scabs.
Just live your truth there.
I should have told you this before the show, but we take turns so you get the next story.
Oh.
I actually heard of this one.
I saw this one.
Okay.
A ride was tipping over at this Michigan festival and a bunch of bystanders saved the day by holding it down until it stopped.
Yeah.
That's a crazy video.
I didn't know it was at the National Cherry Festival.
I'd been there once before.
Yeah.
The Traverse City.
Good.
I mean, it's insane.
These people love their cherry cherry.
Cherry every day.
Salsa.
Yeah, insane.
And everything's amazing.
Deep-fried cherry cherry.
They have everything.
Everything.
Yeah.
Huh.
You guys are in the same place.
Do you think pickled cherries?
I don't remember, but I took home some salsa.
This was years ago.
Cherry on the cob.
T-bone cherry.
But that's amazing to see that video.
Blues singer.
Do you think the people actually helped?
Because I'm looking at the video.
It's hard to tell cuz like the how could they outweigh that thing?
Like I don't think that I think the most likely outcome is this thing would just tip over anyway And they would just all like go flying up to it Like looney-toos maybe it wasn't going to but it looked like it was But it did appear that when they all were teetering on like a balance, then I think you can help at a certain point.
But at a certain point, when enough weight is this way, I'm really smart about physics.
Yeah, me too.
Trust me.
It's pretty much a physics show at this point.
I'm terrified of carnival rides.
My wife loves them.
Well, you watched one YouTube video of carnival rides breaking.
To me, if a ride can be packed up and driven down the freeway, I don't want to go on it.
You know, they're not getting out their inspectors every time being like, all the bolts, but it's like, oh, it looks good.
Yeah, they check it every time they go through Missouri or something.
Yeah.
I think I might have told the story on this podcast before, but a girl flew off a ride right in front of me.
Okay, that's traumatizing a lot of them.
That'll do it.
I was next in line to get on this.
Have you seen Final Destination?
Yes.
Wait, did you walk out of line then?
Yeah.
Yeah, they closed the whole thing.
Oh, you were in line.
You were out in line?
Did she get in?
She got major brain injury.
Flew onto the pavement.
Oh, my God.
I used to love going to those here for one weekend only carnivals when I was a kid.
And I'm a daredevil.
I love roller coasters.
I do too, but I don't want them driven down the freeway.
Yeah, you don't want them to be like portable.
Yeah, hortable roller coaster.
At least they're cemented into the ground.
After seeing this and hearing your story, I might have to be there.
Yeah, there's those ones where all the people are on a seat facing out and all of a sudden it just falls over and they're just going face first into the ground from high up.
That can end well.
No.
That's a bad day.
So there was a Michigan dude.
This is another Michigan star.
What's going on in Michigan?
Michigan's really pulling its weight.
Michigan is the new Florida.
I know.
Look at that.
A Michigan man found 150 bowling balls under his home.
And it was a jackpot.
You might say a striking discovery.
He had bowling balls to spare.
So he was trying to demolish his backstairs and he found close to 160 bowling balls.
Yeah.
And he had found one ball buried in the sand earlier this month, and he continued to find more over the fall and other ones.
At one point, you just go, this is out of hand.
Okay, so it said, yeah.
So the obvious.
At least they're easy to pick up.
True.
Yeah.
So did they figure it out?
It says that Brunswick Bowling Products had a plant in the area.
And the balls were made in the 1950s.
So I guess they were like, these are like scrapped bowling balls.
So yeah, I guess a lot of bowling balls and they just buried them in the sand.
A lot of them would use them as an alternative to gravel or sand and like foundations or something.
Okay.
I don't know, Billy, heavy.
I guess it's apparently it works out.
I don't know.
Yeah.
I don't know why they they why don't they smash them up?
I don't know.
They just did.
I'm sure a bunch of people are in a comment now and tell us why the bowling balls should be down there.
They did that.
What was the other thing we were talking about last time?
We said they're going to correct the pigeons.
Oh man, we got non-stop pigeon comments.
Yeah.
Because we thought pigeons weren't smart and people are like, no, pigeons are smart standard.
There's like a whole pigeon defense force on the internet.
Sorry, pigeon.
PDF.
The PDDF.
Pigeon Defense Force.
All right.
All right.
Hit taken out on neighborhood peacock over Craigslist.
Bird gunned down by assassin.
This makes me so upset.
That's messed up.
It's really messed up.
So peacocks, I don't know if they're endangered, but that's, they're like beautiful birds and they're really, really special.
I'm not sure.
And they're huge.
I'm trying to figure out what happened still.
Because they're all loud.
Have you heard the noise they make?
They're allowed.
Yeah, they are awesome.
No, it's actually like that one.
It's like crazy loud.
That was actually really good.
Thank you.
That was pretty good.
That was the tame peacock.
It's crazy.
We used to have one in our neighborhood.
I would have got taken a hit out on that.
This is sad.
So are they going to.
OK, so we got to finish reading the bullet points.
So they posted an ad.
It's all freestyle.
So they posted an ad.
So an ad on Craigslist.
So it's like, but where do you post that?
So on Craigslist, you can't.
Help wanted.
Yeah, jobs.
Peacock hit me.
Local jobs.
Yeah.
There's an animal assassination link right on the front page.
And you click on that.
So he says, so he posts this whole thing.
He says, please contact me so we can form a strategy to eliminate this bird.
Like this guy's like serious.
I would have loved to do that.
Neighbors' dogs.
Did he pay for it?
Like, did he actually?
It looks like.
It sounds like the whole transaction went through.
It sounds like it.
And it says, like, the neighbors noticed that the original Craigslist poster hadn't been turned off his location services when he took a screenshot to indicate where the bird lived.
So a blue icon hovered over his home in the photo.
So he's like the worst criminal ever.
I don't know if it's a crime, but it feels like a crime.
This feels wrong.
Property, right?
Somebody's pet.
Is it their pet?
Was it?
Is it a wild peacock?
It said it's been a staple of California neighbors.
So it's probably just one of those.
There's like a wild.
Oh, we said like a turkey in our neighborhood.
That was nobody's.
It just wandered around the neighborhood.
It's just a random tree.
I mean, that's like a random peacock.
Catch it and like put it in a zoo, which is probably a little bit more dull or set it free.
It doesn't feel right.
Seems a little extreme.
So are we going to like, what are we going to do about this?
Yeah, what do we do?
We need to take him out?
Should we take out the Craigslist assassin organizer, coordinator?
We're going to strike back.
We should find the line.
Like, how far can you go up the animal hierarchy till the authorities will step in?
Yeah, so like probably insects, because you can hire people to kill insects in your house, right?
Hire a flyer.
There's a whole company.
There's a whole company for that.
Peacock.
Rodents.
You can hire people to kill rodents.
These are all obvious.
I mean, we've already, okay, we already know peacock is okay, so get it.
We'll go out from there.
But I don't know if peacock's okay.
Is it okay?
Is there a law?
I don't know if there's a law about killing peacocks.
Like if you do a chimpanzee, like I think chimpanzees probably.
They're a little bit too far because they're really smart.
I had an impressionable situation happening when I was in middle school.
I was just dough-de-do-de-doo walking along, and I saw like a bunch of boys kicking around a praying mantis.
And I got so upset.
I was like, What are you doing?
Like, it's just chilling.
They're so cool.
And they like just stomped on it and killed it.
And I was like, I started getting upset.
I was like, What's wrong with you people?
And I was just a little kid.
I was just an impulse reaction.
And I don't know.
Like, I think that men guys have more of like a, yeah, let's kill stuff.
Let's shoot stuff.
Let's fight.
Like, they have like this, it's a primal thing.
I don't get it, but I was like really upset about it.
And I reported it and they're like, well, it's dead natural.
I was a remixture of both.
I was like, super.
Like, I once here's a perfect analogy of that.
I had always heard that if you dumped salt on a slug, it would make it melt.
Yeah.
And so some morbid curiosity came out and I really wanted to try it.
And I saw this banana slug because I lived in the Oregon coast.
There's always banana slugs, giant slugs.
So I poured salt on it.
And immediately when it started to melt, I started weeping and I got out of paper towels and tried to wipe it off.
And it was too bad.
And I just wiped and wiped and wiped until it was just gone.
It's gone.
It's sad.
I know my dad used to teach us how to shoot pellet guns and stuff.
And he would say, don't ever shoot a bird or a squirrel.
You'll feel like crap after.
Like, it doesn't feel good.
Don't do it.
And yeah, so I want to talk to this dude in Humboldt County.
Like, pick on someone your own size.
Mr. Oh, no, the bird's named Mr. P or Azul.
Azul, yeah.
Mr. P. Rest in peace.
Rest in peace, Mr. P.
I would put a hit on some on some geese, but we've been over my hatred for geese.
Oh, library in England apologizes for hosting Rainbow Dill Pickle.
Dill Dodo Dodo Butt Monkey to entertain children.
But wait, I'm confused.
I have questions.
Is there a photograph we can reference here?
So I think you know there's actually a video.
These weird dancing clown furry people with their butts.
Here's the reading.
Here's the summer reading challenge.
I think.
This is the rainbow dill pickle monkey.
And you can see the dill pickle there.
Bee monkey.
And there's rainbow monkey.
Oh, wait.
So the thing that's dangling is the thing.
Right.
And that's the offensive part.
That it well.
Got it.
But who got mad at them?
The question is, who came after them?
Everybody?
Like, this is not okay.
But squares.
Why would they think that that's okay for children?
That's the right.
That would be the question, I think.
The issue is the children are so uptight.
They need to loosen up and, you know, just get, you know, come on, just hang out with the rainbow butt monkey.
Get it into, yeah.
Yeah.
So it feels like at some point here, like within the next few years, we're going to get to a point where they're like inviting Pennywise the clown to like eat children at libraries.
And you're like, what?
You don't, you don't want the clown to read to children?
What's wrong with you?
Yeah, what?
You want to just read the exploits of Ted Bundy to your kids?
What's wrong?
What's wrong with you, you see?
Yeah, what's wrong?
How did you bunch of squares?
Gosh.
Let the child eat children.
That's what they said.
They decided to eat human flesh or not.
Yeah, gosh.
You're not far off, is a sad thing.
So someone had really insane.
So someone had commented on their social media posts.
Like another library commented and was like, wow, that was surprising when I saw that.
And they replied back, if you got it, flaunt it.
The library said.
Wow.
And then really?
Yeah, this is like before the outrage sparked.
And then later on.
If you got it, attach it and flaunt it.
If you don't have it, attach it.
So that's sweet.
I don't even know what to say.
Well, even more triggering than Rainbow Dilly Pickle Butt Monkey is something that happened in Portland.
Oh, man.
This Portland resident got extremely triggered.
We have a triggered sound factor.
We need one that goes when he saw a big, scary truck.
It was a big truck.
In fact, it was so big it was like a Ford F-350, which is a pretty common truck, I think.
So this guy posts about it on social media, takes a picture of it, tags the Portland police.
Is this street legal?
How do we report this?
It is pretty big.
It is pretty big, though.
It has like layers of tires.
It's a big truck, for sure.
Yeah, people are taking pictures in the second one, I think.
That guy.
Or Super Duty FC.
Oh, no, it's because the other person's like, wait, is this person in the picture?
Is this person in the picture?
That's the person reporting it, I believe.
Okay, because that.
He's for size comparison.
That looks, I see.
I think that might have been just like a bystander.
Like, hey, can you stand there?
So I stand there for some time.
Take a picture and report this because this is just ridiculous.
And then he started a ruckus.
Yeah.
So he's just thinking, this can't be legal to have a truck this big when I just have this bike.
The difference here is crazy.
The bike is so little.
It's dwarfed by the massive truck.
He's like, this is ridiculous.
I was just on my way to deliver this postmates and this is just offensive.
Cyclists in Portland are very aggressive.
I was going to ask.
You're a Portland adjacent native, right?
So what they despise ring true to you?
Yeah.
This is like Portland.
No, yeah.
Like the moment that you try to, because when you turn, you have to get into the bike lane and turn, you immediately get like the yells or the stares of the anger.
There's a great Portlandia sketch of a bicyclist and you just like point of view on him and everything he's yelling at all the cars he goes through.
He's like, this is my lane.
This is my lane.
I'm coming through.
I'm coming through.
This is my lane.
And he's just like yelling all the rules at everybody.
It's just like a Karen on wheels.
That's what these bicyclists are.
So someone pointed out that the same user has also tweeted in support of the defund the police movement.
Hmm.
But he wants the police to come and arrest the truck owner or something.
Except for this.
What did he want them to do?
Be like, excuse me, sir.
Get this truck cuffed up for me.
What's your emergency?
Take it away.
This truck's too big.
Yes, I am.
I'm offended.
Take it away, Tony.
But even as big as this is, has he ever seen a semi-truck?
Yeah.
They're pretty big.
They are pretty big.
They're up there.
They're still a lot bigger than that.
And they do deliveries.
They're everywhere.
Maybe that's the issue.
He's not doing deliveries.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If they ever use good cloning or not cloning, what are the things that fly around?
Drone.
That's not a clone.
Drone.
Droning.
Droning technology.
Do that for all the semi-truck trailer things.
Fly those around.
Yeah.
Get them off the freeway.
That would save some space.
Well, they are working on the self-driving ones, but they're still on the ground.
We want them off the road.
Get them out of there.
Have you guys seen the robot delivery?
I haven't.
No.
They're kind of cool.
Yeah.
I saw that.
Maybe those things don't get just taken out by crazy groups of guys over and then they'll like.
Like the group of guys stomping on the mantis.
They would go for that, right?
I mean, I just noticed that everyone was like so enamored that pulled out.
I mean, I was like, this is so cool.
And like, I took a video and everyone else is like, and then it's like, please don't touch the robot.
Or, yeah.
Is there a warning?
Like, do they have lasers or anything?
Maybe.
Well, we don't know because I'm sure that there's cameras that will catch like ID you the moment you do it.
But I've seen one where that's like tipped over and it's like, please help pick me up.
Really?
No, disassemble.
Have you seen this in person?
No, I've seen videos.
Where are you guys hanging out?
I've never seen one in person.
Never seen one.
That was hanging around.
Near Erwan and Beverly.
Wow.
Yeah.
Those are Los Angeles.
You hang out in fancy Los Angeles.
I just happened to be there and I was like, whoa.
I actually hadn't seen one in my side.
I live on the east side, but yeah, it was crazy.
And I saw one in a store too.
And it was like a clean.
I don't know if it was, I don't know what it was doing.
I don't know what the performance, I don't know what the functions were.
It was like the big tall ones.
It was really tall.
I thought they were like stocking machines or something.
Maybe it was just like scanning to see capacity or what's slow stock or something.
But it also don't know.
I'm you guys are really big on the man.
It's like our favorite joke from 2004 or whatever, how long it's been.
Yeah.
No.
It's not our favorite job.
It's good.
If I don't know, explain it to me from your man mouth.
I don't like to think of it as a man mouth.
I think it's your turn.
That sounds like a city people go to like for skiing or something.
Just go over there with your man mouth.
Family went off to man mouth this weekend.
That's monmouth.
Mammoth.
Monmouth is an organ.
Whose turn is it?
It's hers.
It's my turn.
Okay.
The woman.
Ooh.
Oh, this is interesting.
Thousands defy lockdown in Bangladesh to gawk at what could be the world's smallest cow.
It was utter madness.
That's great.
In Bangladesh, as thousands ignored a national COVID-19 lockdown to gawk at what could be the world's smallest cow.
Ranny, Ronnie, a 23-month-old dwarf cow, has attracted throngs of fans and reporters since her small stature went viral on social media.
The bovine star stands just 20 inches tall and is only 25 inches long, which farmers claim makes her the world's tiniest cow.
So are we waiting?
It's like a size of a snow.
Do they respect cows in that country?
Am I sounding so ignorant right now?
Is that the one where they don't kill cows?
I think so.
I was going to say, I hope.
Where's Bangladesh?
You got to ask our buddy Mason.
He knows Bangladesh.
I'm going to Google, do Bangladesh, does Bangladesh like cows?
Do they respect because, you know, some it brings up is the dwarf cow story.
Really?
Wow.
It's really popping over there.
Where's Bangladesh?
We are showing our deep ignorance of the world.
They don't teach geography very well in the world.
These guys are world travelers.
It says beef is a delicacy in Bangladesh.
So it's probably not a, it's probably not like India then.
It's not Hindu majority, probably.
Okay.
So I hope that they don't eat this one then.
It seems like you're not going to get a lot of meat off it.
Yeah, exactly.
It seems like it's doing a lot more good for their social profile.
It's a 23-month-old.
I don't know how long it takes to cow to that's the next question.
How long does it take for a cow to grow size?
We're really working on our cow knowledge right now.
So I was thinking like when lockdown hit us, it's like we have Tiger King.
Yeah.
This is their Tiger King.
Yeah.
Tiny Cow King.
It says two years for Tiny Cow Queen.
Queen.
Okay.
Sorry.
It's almost basically two years.
It's not getting any bigger.
It said, no more Rona.
Bring in Ronnie, the 23-month-old dwarf cat.
Guinness World Record.
All right, we got some Guinness Real Record.
Oh, that was record too.
It's got to be, right?
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm going to call it a Guinness World Record.
Oh, we got some other records here.
Girl 6 identifies 93 airlines in one minute for World Record.
I think that was six years old, huh?
She's six years old, and she's looking at only photos of the tails of airplanes with that logo.
And she's saying what airline it is.
And she said 93 of them in one minute.
In one minute?
Yeah, one minute less than one.
Studying for this.
That's like one and a half a second.
Smart.
And I'm not good at math, but I think so.
Quick winning.
You think 93?
I don't even know 93 airlines.
I'd be like, United, JetBlue.
So America done.
Alaska Spirit.
Alaska.
So here's the problem.
It's five.
It's an incredibly specific record.
Like, what is memorized a list of items?
It's rote memorization.
She just, she has memorized all the airlines, and she, it's flashcards, right?
I mean, she just does flashcards all the time.
And why?
Because her parents are abusing her, going, memorize.
You must, you must win a world record.
But it's like, if there was a Guinness record for memorization in a certain amount of time, that's fine.
But why is it airlines?
Like, why is this so important to have a world champion at this?
It's one little girl's dream, Kyle.
Wait, this is the world's worst six-year-old.
That's the Guinness record.
It's also unofficial.
It's unofficial.
Evidence, evidence from the girls' record attempt must still be approved by the Guinness officials.
Okay, so they need to randomize the tales.
I'm going to write an angry email to Guinness and make sure they're writing up to oppose this girl's petition for a world record.
Petition to destroy dreams of six-year-old Sid Hantom.
I'm going to do that.
Hold on.
Oh, no, 12-year-old.
I'm not going to do it all that I'm going to do.
The previous record holder held it at 39, which was set by 12-year-old Sidhant Gumber.
The previous record holder for most airlines recited in.
So that's the thing is they could have started this, and someone's like, I think I got to beat that.
It's so stupid.
It's all just, it's decadent.
All right, you get the last record.
Italian Brothers grow world's heaviest cherry.
Wow.
So Italian Brothers and a giant cherry.
I immediately started thinking my favorite Mario, Mario Brothers 2.
Wow, Mario 2 was your favorite?
I love that.
I think it was just because it was the odd man out.
That is the only one with the cherries.
Super Mario.
Yeah.
Yeah, picking up the shy guys and throwing them.
Yeah.
Shy guys.
That shoot the pellets.
The guys with the masks.
Weird birds with masks.
Everyone's got these like serial killer masks on.
Fun fact about that game.
I'm a big Mario fan.
I just, it keeps evolving and I just keep staying on the train.
So that game, apparently, when they made Super Mario Bros, which is now the Lost Levels, because when they were doing consumer testing, the game was too hard to play.
And they're like, this is not going to work.
So they're like, crap.
So they scrambled for a game quick and they purchased that game.
So that's why it's so different than all the other games without the pipes.
It doesn't have pipes.
It has doors and it has the turnips and like the vases and the keys and all that stuff.
It's like so different than the other Mario formats.
It's a favorite game, right?
It was purchased and they just slapped the characters.
It was Doki Doki Panic is what it was called.
I think the fact that you just dropped it.
I love that you know that.
You dropped all that knowledge about an 8-bit video game.
I think that there's a massive portion of our male audience that is now in love with you forever.
Wow.
You're going to get a lot of emails.
Yeah.
Who is she?
I'm a big video game chick.
I love it.
I love Mario.
And yeah, that's actually also the fact that is one of my favorite bits of video game trivia because it's like the Japanese people are like, Americans, no good at this game.
They're going to lose.
They're going to be so mad at this game.
And so they have to buy like an easier game.
Have you played the Lost Levels?
I actually haven't.
It's so hard.
I mean, in the pandemic, I played, I got reacquainted with my video game career.
It got cut short early.
My parents bought me the Game Boy SP when I was 10 or 11.
And then a friend gifted me the GameCube.
So I was like, great, Animal Crossing.
So I was like set up in the living room and my mom walked in.
She was like, oh no, you are not going to take over my living room doing this, like rotting your brain, whatever.
And then just ended it there.
But I got reacquainted in this past year and got a Sega Genesis.
And the Nintendo Switch has like the Super Nintendo retro arcade.
So you can play all these things.
You're constantly adding more ones on there.
Oh, I love retro games.
For some reason, it's just like, it's so charming.
And I just feel like.
Did you guys show her our Raspberry Pi in there?
No.
We just got that set up.
We got our retro, all our retro games in there.
Okay, yeah, you'll definitely have to show me.
Okay, back to the.
But, guys, our email is podcast at BabylonB.com if you'd like to contact us and send out your favorite.
Put in a good word.
Yeah.
Okay, so another Guinness World Record.
One?
Oh, I thought it was even heavier than 1.6.
Oh, the cherry.
Oh, we're back on the cherry.
Sorry, I just went on a whole tangent with the video games.
I'm not entirely decided on large fruit, how that relates to Guinness records.
That's kind of impressive, right?
A one ounce.
But one ounce of cherry.
It's like I have the largest element.
1.6.
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't want it to be like a five-pound cherry.
Yeah, five-pound cherry.
I'd be like, wow, that's pretty cool.
Honey, I shrunk the kids.
Yeah.
Like you're walking by and you're like, oh, yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Some people said some stupid stuff on the internet today.
You want to make fun of them?
It was just today.
Oh, this week?
This is past week.
Yeah.
Hey, sorry to interrupt that hilarious podcast that you were just listening to, but my buddy Ethan and I here were thinking, you might not be a Babylon Bee subscriber and we need to correct that.
Yeah, in fact, I could smell it in the room.
It smells like a non-subscriber in here.
Or is that cow farts?
Could be cow farts.
I can't tell.
Hey, if you subscribe, you get this giant, awesome, beautiful coffee table book full of beautiful images.
What?
And hilarious stories.
Premium subscribers get this for a limited time, which is crazy because this book is like half the cost of a Babylonian.
It's like a brick of gold.
Anyway, and it's awesome.
So you get a coupon code for cheaper merchandise.
You get to be part of the community.
The advantages are endless to be a Babylon B subscriber.
Literally infinite.
Oh, you get our bloopers from our.
Oh, yeah.
Those are really fun.
Those are hilarious.
Look at.
So please.
Yeah.
Go to BabylonB.com slash plans.
Subscribe.
Become one of the elite.
The few.
The Babylon Bees.
Real things that blue checks say.
First day of the White House.
Oh.
First up, the White House.
So the White House tweeted a picture of Kamala and Biden, our duly elected president, frolicking together in the garden.
There's no Sunday scaries when you get to work for the American people every day.
So what is a Sunday scary?
I stared at this and I was like, I have no idea.
So they posted this on Sunday.
Somebody fired the intern.
And you know, some team met and said, what's the tweet we're going to do today?
And this is what they came up with.
Is that like warm fuzzies and cold pricklies or something like that?
Okay.
So it says it's a according to urban dictionary.com.
It says it's when it's because you realize the work week is coming up.
So this is like Zoomer language?
I guess.
Probably not because they are not old enough to drink yet.
It's true.
Oh, it's okay.
So it's after you drink.
It's after a long week of work followed by a Saturday of binge drinking.
And not just drinking, binge drinking.
Binge drinking.
So Sunday, it's after the Saturday of drinking, Sunday, you're questioning your entire existence.
You're laying in bed all day.
So that's good.
They're not drinking bingo on Saturday at the White House.
Seemingly non-existent future.
That's a weird thing to say.
It's just a strange, it's a very how-do-you-do, fellow kids.
So type thing.
If you translate it, it's like, hey, we're not on some crazy hangover barfing our brains after a huge binge over the weekend when you get to work with the American people every day.
We're definitely not binge drinking on Saturdays because we love our job so much.
Well, that's good.
Well, that's good to know.
They seem like they're, well, that picture is great.
They seem like they're having a really good time in there.
So they do.
Here's some love.
Christine Sidelco, blue check.
I hate Christianity in general, but I really hate Catholicism.
So seeing those Canadian churches on fire makes me feel all fuzzy inside.
Happy with tears, emoji.
So there's churches like Bernie in Canada.
That because apparently there was like that story about the mass green school or something, Patrick's Catholic, so you might know Patrick to update us on that.
Last week, they had like 30 churches, 30 churches, 30 churches.
What?
So, who this is like somebody burning churches?
This wasn't like who was behind this.
I had an accident with a magnifying glass.
There was something with the indigenous people, and they found like a mass grave at some old school.
So, the people were mad about that.
And so, they blamed the Catholics and went and burned the Catholic churches.
If I got it right, wow, put a fact check on the screen, Dan, if I'm wrong.
And she's loving that.
She's like, That's great.
I'm so happy for her and her warm fuzzies.
Got some warm fuzzies.
I'm really happy that she thinks this way, and that's making her feel good.
And that it was her favorite brand of Christianity.
She's like, I really hate Catholicism, so yeah, kids.
If it was Pentecostal, she would have been like, Ma'am, I'll take it.
Missed it by that much, but it's Catholics, yes.
And it's well, of all the people who quote-tweeted, I'm not really big on Twitter, but of all the people who quote-tweeted, are the you know, half of them being like, This is what's wrong with America today.
Okay, see, that's probably got ratioed pretty well.
No, I got 4,000 likes.
If you have likes, if you have a lot of quote tweets, it probably means everybody's blasting you.
Yeah, yeah.
So, that person, she was getting blasted.
Yeah, I'm sure she was.
But still, probably 4,000 people were like, It's pretty good.
Yeah, it's pretty funny.
That's not a lot of people.
I agree.
Like, yeah, in the grand scheme of things, it's nothing.
Twitter is a dark place.
Yeah.
You want to get that New York Times one?
The next one?
Oh, yes.
New York Times blue check tweet of the week shouting freedom and other anti-government slogans.
Hundreds of Cubans took to the streets in cities around the country on Sunday to protest food and medicine shortages in a remarkable eruption of discontent not seen in nearly 30 years.
How awful of them to scream freedom.
That's just very anti-government.
Seen words, or at least anti-government.
Well, it's anti-their government.
Right.
It's anti-anti-freedom governments.
Right.
I'm trying to unpack it in my head.
Freedom.
Like, I don't know.
Who writes like, yeah, the thought process of the person who wrote that tweet.
They should have said Cubans took to the streets.
I'm always watching billboards and being like, why did they say that way?
They should have said it this way.
Why am I not a copywriter?
Oh, anyway.
Hundreds of Cubans.
They're swerving along in the freeway.
Yes, I'm like, I'm going to write it a letter.
Write a letter while I'm driving.
I do need to nip the texting and driving thing.
Anyway, yeah, they should have said hundreds of Cubans took to the streets in cities around the country shouting freedom and anti-you know, they shouldn't have started with it.
Whatever.
The New York Times.
They're messing up a lot.
It's just the idea that freedom is an anti-government slogan.
Yeah, but it seems like pretty funny.
Yeah.
But I kind of agree with that.
Don't you agree with it?
Like on some level?
Some level, yeah.
Depending on the government.
Well, it's anti-their government, but not.
In our world, they say anti-government.
It's a good thing.
It feels like they're saying that's a bad thing to say.
Like, it's a weird thing.
It's a weird, like.
That's how I. What do they mean by that?
Because they don't want to say from the New York Street.
It feels like they're showing their cards really.
Right, right.
They're saying the quiet part out loud.
Right.
Right.
Okay.
That's what it feels like.
Okay.
Bad New York Times bad.
They need some help over there.
I mean, they've been running into trouble with you guys, yeah.
still recovering from being owned hard hey uh chandler yeah Yeah.
You have music and comedy videos.
Oh, we're out of the blue checks already.
During a lot of times, how do you do that?
There's a normal segue here.
Did she add this to the notes?
No, I did not.
Just kidding.
I did not.
Yes.
How do you make music good and stuff?
So I'm a singer-songwriter.
I've been writing songs since I was a wee child and I played like violin and cello for like 10 years growing up and played weddings with my mom and my sister when we were growing up.
Musical family?
Yes.
My parents are session players.
What does session player mean exactly?
They are hired guns for.
They can like read music and play it right off the sheet.
Yes.
And they're hired for like records at Capitol Records.
Like, oh, like, you know, this, this artist, we want you to, we want a full band or the Hollywood Bowl or Fox.
They did a lot of Fox stuff.
Like, they did Simpsons and Family Guy and stuff like that.
So, and then they make their own jazz records and they have their own studio.
And yeah, so I've had it just going on in the house all the time.
So at the time, I thought it was really annoying just hearing like my dad just get fixated on, you know, tuning stuff or whatever.
But I'm so thankful now because I haven't had to work that hard to be good at music.
I have had to work a little bit harder to be good at improv and comedy.
It's something I'm really passionate about.
And I was on the improv team in college and I just loved it so much.
And this is before I started my music career.
And yeah, so I have been doing really well with music.
I have a lot of music on Spotify and YouTube.
You guys can check it out there.
And yeah, I've had a lot of accolades over the past year, but, you know, with everything going on, I haven't been able to perform on stage, which is my favorite thing to do.
So I've been making myself laugh and making videos with my roommate in the meantime to, you know, calm myself down because comedy is the most healing thing.
I think laughter is medicine.
And I was always like the class clown growing up in fourth grade.
I would like shout out these like one-liners and everyone would laugh and it would just feel so good.
It's like, it feels better than people clapping at me after I perform.
Like it feels better to like spit a like a joke in a situation and then it lands and like the timing of it, it feels like it just feels so good.
It does, you guys are comedians about.
I don't think we think of ourselves because we cheat because we write the comedy.
So we get a lot of people.
We have to be more on our feet when we podcast, but we still can cheat and be like, edit that out.
But if you think about like, if you had to explain what humor is to an alien, crazy time to bring this up.
But, you know, if you had to explain it to somebody.
Well, we'll get back to that later.
We'll talk about that later.
I have a lot to say.
But if you had to explain it to somebody who didn't know what it was, like, how would you explain it?
And basically, I think scientifically speaking, it's your brain is like skipping a synapse or something.
Like it was going one way and then it changed pathways.
Two different pathways.
Yeah, because like you think it's going one way and then humor is like, oh, well, what was that?
And then you laugh.
So I'm like, it's so weird to explain, but it feels good.
And like the timing of it just feels like, feels like it's timing, right?
It's like in the pocket.
In the realm of music, right?
Because it's a thing that when you look at what it is, it doesn't make sense.
Like even music, it's like vibrating molecules.
Right.
Frequency.
You start moving a bunch and doesn't make sense.
Like, why does it bizarre?
And why does it make me feel happy?
And why does it make me feel happy?
Well, you know, it's just all meeting calls.
It's all what?
That's like a call.
Everything that we do is meeting calls, right?
Yeah, it's just all meeting calls.
So when you entertainment, an amazing hymn at church.
That's a meeting call.
Or like a bridge where you're like, Jesus is laden.
That's like a good joke.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
It all comes together.
Yeah.
Do you know what TikTok is?
Yeah.
Can you explain?
Can you explain it to us like we're 15?
I mean, no, we're not.
Like we're 40.
So TikTok is a social media app, the fastest rising social media app of today.
Very popular among the young people.
Short form content, short form videos, sometimes comedy, dancing.
It originated with dancing.
It actually originated from the app called Musically.
Is there like a Chinese communist app or something?
You don't think it's a problem?
See, that part I don't really know the details too well on, so I don't want to say the wrong thing, but I do know that there's some.
So you're pro-China.
Pro-Communist.
Whoa, whoa.
Why are you trying to box me in, bro?
We just don't want to get in trouble with, you know, I mean, the Chinese authorities, we can.
Can you put a Chiron under her?
Are they sponsoring the pro-communist?
You never know when they're listening in or anything.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I'm not, I'm not pro or against anything.
I just know that there are, well, Well, I'm very lukewarm.
I support everything.
Sorry, so TikTok, yeah.
TikTok.
So there are some like data concerns because it is like, I think there is something with the Chinese communist government.
Something there, yeah.
Something there.
I'm still on it, but I don't like it.
I thought Trump was going to delete it or something.
Yeah, he tried to ban it, but then Oracle bought it.
Okay.
So now it's an American-owned thing, but there's still like similar algorithmic stuff going on.
Well, I want to know about the dancing and the humor.
So how does it work?
You like put up a video and people share it?
Yeah.
So it's different than it's pretty much like, it's similar to Instagram.
Do you guys have Instagram?
You guys have Instagram.
You guys have a million people.
I don't understand it.
No.
Yeah, we have.
We don't manage it.
We hired a Gen Z or to run it for us.
Nice.
Okay, cool.
Well, it's basically like Instagram, but.
What is Instagram?
It's like Instagram is like Facebook.
Oh, man.
It's like MySpace.
You said answer the question as if you were 50.
Are you 50?
And spirit, he is.
We kind of boom.
Boomerang.
We stopped learning new technology when we hit like 30 or 20 years.
Right around after MySpace died.
Yeah, after they're just going to die off like that.
Fine, I'll sign up for Facebook.
But then other than that, it's like, I don't.
How can I explain this in boomer terms?
Are we not doing the other section?
We can do it.
Okay, because we're running low.
Why did you ask me about TikTok?
Okay.
Well, you're like, you know, you perform like, you know, comedy and music and stuff.
I thought maybe you put it up on TikTok.
I think Instagram is my main platform.
But Instagram and YouTube are kind of my main things.
Jams.
Those are my jams.
You're jams.
I don't have somebody who would be good at social media.
You seem like you'd be good on TikTok.
You should consider charisma.
I have a few videos on TikTok, but I think that the draw of TikTok is the algorithm is so much more discovery-based than Instagram.
Instagram used to be stuff all the time.
Exactly.
And you can post a video and go to sleep and wake up and it'll have like a million views.
Like it's that quick.
It's like correct.
It hasn't happened to me and it gets addictive, you know?
So people are like, oh my God, attention.
Oh, I have a following now.
Oh, my God, brand deals.
Like they get, you know, excited about that.
And I mean, that's kind of what a lot of people in my age group want.
Like, I do want to have a career as a content creator.
That's why I'm working hard on my YouTube channel and also Instagram.
But I didn't find that like instant gratification that millennials love.
So I've been just really focusing on making like one-minute videos on my Instagram and like longer videos on YouTube.
Okay.
So, but I am on TikTok, so maybe I'll get into it.
I don't know.
Well, check her out on TikTok.
Also, wherever she is.
Spotify.
Instagram and YouTube and Spotify.
But mostly TikTok.
My MySpace Age.
Should we just do this in the subscriber portion?
Do it on here.
Let's just do it right now.
Okay, we'll hammer through this.
This is kind of a rapid fire.
Very special time where we get to ask a woman crash questions.
Woo!
You're assuming my gender, but that's okay.
Because you're correct.
It's true.
Hey, that's one of our copyrighted jokes.
It is true.
It's true.
It is true.
We kind of have this superpower where you can look at like 99.99% of people and guess their gender.
I have this, I have this amazing gift.
It's an innate gift.
I guess they're pronounced.
It's a fifth sense.
It's an innate thing.
Mean girls joke of anyone.
So, oh, yeah.
The dumb girl on Mean Girls.
I love how she's like, there's a 30% chance that it's already raining.
She's like, crapping her.
Anyway, you guys probably haven't seen it.
You guys should watch Mean Girls.
It's a cultural staple.
I've seen Mean Girls several times.
There are so many inside jokes.
I can recite the entire script.
Moving on to the woman thing.
I think it's a little overrated, but I get it.
My wife loves it.
So I get it.
I don't like bridesmaids.
Okay, go on.
I liked bridesmaids.
Really?
That's kind of weird.
So we Google why do women like, and we let Google fill in the auto-suggestions.
And these are the questions.
So we're not on behalf of the female character.
You want me to answer to your best ability?
Just answer the best.
For all women, authoritatively.
Okay.
For all time.
Why do women like tall men?
Just very quickly, I think men are more concerned about height than women are, but I don't know.
I think it's a primal thing.
Protect my offspring.
Why do women like true crime?
Especially like the romantic murder ones.
That's a good question.
I don't watch true crime.
I don't have cable, but my mom watches SVU.
Cable.
Special SVU.
Yeah, SVU.
Said Law and Order.
Law and Order.
That's the one.
And I'm just like, and she goes, I don't know why I like this stupid show.
I'm like, I don't either.
I don't know.
Those discovery murder, what's it called?
Murder discovery or something like that?
Investigation discovery.
Say people like to watch.
They have tons of shows where it's like my husband or husbands that got murdered by their wives.
Oh.
He seemed like a normal guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Those like reality surface.
She'd had about enough of his monkey business.
Whatever it is.
His monkey dill pickle.
Monkey dill pickle.
Rainbow butt.
Yeah, I think that, um, I think that people in general, I used to love watching like MTV Real World.
I think it's like juicy drama that like we either are lacking in our lives or like have too much of in our lives and it makes you feel better about your own problems.
So it's a mass appeal thing.
Gotcha.
Yeah.
Why do women like hot water?
Because it soothes the throat.
It's real?
Wait, to drink?
I was thinking this was a question about showering?
Because it's comforting and it reminds you of like womb time.
I don't know.
You know, when you like lay in feel position, it's like the most comforting position because like that's how we spent.
You've had some great answers so far.
Yeah.
It's very enlightening.
Why do women like astrology?
Ooh, I like astrology.
Oh, you do.
I find truth in it.
I do find truth in it.
I'm a Leo, if anyone wants to know.
Pisces rising, Scorpio.
We don't believe in that satanic stuff.
So believe.
Believe it.
No!
Climb up.
No!
Well, you guys really don't like astrology?
I'm just kidding.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
But we don't like it.
What are your sons?
It's a fun game.
I have no idea what you're doing.
It's a fun game.
And there is a little bit of truth to it.
It's funny.
I find that people on the West Coast and LA are like, what's your sign?
What's your sign?
And then if you go to like Nashville East, it's all about what's your Enneagram.
Yeah, what number are you?
So Christians, some Christians like Enneagram.
Because it's like, well, it's not stars, not astrology.
Right.
It's not a false god or anything.
It's numbers.
Yeah.
That's our like sanctified version.
I think that they're all, they can all coexist, but I know that there's probably some conflict somewhere.
But yeah.
Yeah.
I like astrology because it's like, if you are, you know, trying to, I don't know.
It's like a secular answer.
Secular body.
Stars or they're sparkly and girls like sparkly things.
I don't think so.
I don't think it's that easy.
But why do women like horses?
I think women like all cute animals.
Yeah, but horses are like, they especially like horses.
That's true.
Every school had like the horse girl and it was like, yeah, I like horses.
I don't know why, but I have noticed my like affinity for cute animals has significantly increased in the past year.
I'm like, oh my God, a cat.
Oh my God, they're so cute.
And I'm like getting like cute aggression, you know, and you're like, ooh, like so you're like, horses are cute, though.
Yeah, they're not really cute.
They're amazing animals.
I mean, I'm not saying they're not like beautiful.
But I think it's just because they have long flowing Bardy hair.
You guys really have some.
Okay, now I understand why you're asking me.
Oh, because sparkly and girls like shouting.
I'm just giving the most shout out.
Oh my God.
Like women, not girls.
They just like, you know, you can comb the hair and do the shampoo.
These are magical creatures.
Why do women like to pick fights?
This is a very generalizing statement.
I think people who lack self-awareness and need stimulation to feel intimacy pick fights with people.
Who Googled that?
You're like very insightful.
Thank you.
Why do women like to pick fights?
Why do women like older men?
Okay, that's an easy one.
My man is older.
Is he taller than you, though?
No.
Oh, so, yeah, okay.
No, I'm just kidding.
He is.
He is.
He's like, no, no, I'm like two inches taller than you.
I'm like, okay.
I think we're like the same height.
He might be a little taller.
A little bit.
A little bit.
I don't know.
I think that that's like, again, the primal thing, like a security thing.
It's like most, some people, I won't say men, some people never mature.
They're just like immature until they're old forever.
And I think that, typically speaking, dating older men results in like a more mature experience.
So, yeah.
I feel like the next one's pretty obvious.
Why do women like muscles?
Yeah.
So I want to skip to why do women like to eat all my food?
Wow.
Is that how y'all feel?
Who Googles that?
Not in my house.
My wife doesn't eat anything.
Why do women like to eat all my food?
I assume they're talking like their girlfriend or their wife or something.
Yeah, like I'll just have a couple of your fries and they're like, just order your own fries.
No, no.
I do think that there's a code for me, like if there's certain food that is in the fridge, and I think it would be wrong to eat the last of it.
I don't know if women have the same code on that because they know they're women.
They're like, you know, they're special.
That's true.
And if you have like a cute situation going, that's a thing.
Because they're cute.
That's the thing.
It's like, they're not going to get mad at me.
I'm just going to do what I want.
You just make a cute face after.
You're like, yeah, yeah, I ate all the cake.
My boyfriend's so sweet.
He always leaves me the last bite of everything.
And sometimes when I'm full, like, I'll leave him the last bite.
He will still like cut it in half and leave me the last.
And I'm like, that's like really sweet.
That all ends after marriage.
Just kidding.
Just so you know.
Something a little bit different.
So if everybody says to you before you get married, they're always like, oh, that all ends after marriage.
This one's weird.
Why do women pee when they cough?
Do men not pee when they cough?
Or women's music?
This is just more room for it to not escape for a man, right?
Let's go to the next one.
That's a really weird question.
It's very strange.
I just like who's good.
What I love about this question is that someone Googled it.
Enough people Google it.
It's at a top of the camera.
That is so weird.
Like, how did you notice that?
Yeah, how do you even?
Who do you know?
It must be women asking, right?
Because how would men know?
Unless women are telling.
I guess this is a woman asking that question.
Oh, maybe it could be, yeah.
In your experience.
This one's great.
Okay.
Why do women find me unattractive?
You don't have to answer that.
That's sad.
It's really sad that someone Googled that.
Yeah.
Well, I remember when I was, I mean, in college, there would be times where I'd be like, I really feel conflicted about this very interpersonal thing.
I'm going to Google it.
You know, that's sometimes all you have.
Like, you don't have a ton of close friends.
Like you have like your fake social media friend connections, and that's not somebody you call up when you're upset about something.
So Google, tell me why.
Tells your friend me.
Yeah, you have like a restaurant so you don't know what the custom is or like how to eat this food or whatever.
You try to look up a video on how someone eats it kind of thing.
I do that all the time.
Which food?
I can't remember exactly.
I will Google how to use chopsticks.
Yeah, you just want to look like you know what you're talking about, you know?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I will Google like how to pronounce something.
Oh, yeah.
Like before we go on a podcast, we're going to interview someone.
I'm like, we have to talk about this.
And I'm like, I don't know how to pronounce that.
Yeah, yeah.
So I don't sound like an idiot.
That's good, though.
All right.
Final one.
Did you add this?
So, was this a Googled one?
It doesn't look like it.
This is like a question for me.
What is the last one?
I don't know if either of us writes.
I didn't write this.
I don't know where it came.
What is the biggest misconception men have of women?
Right?
Is that the question?
Biggest misconception men have for women.
For women?
I don't know.
For women.
Of women.
So you're saying, what are the things men get wrong about?
They misconstrue.
Yeah.
That you like sparkles and hair.
Sparkly horses.
I guess that could be a part of it.
That's a big question.
I don't really know how men think, but I know that, like, in my experience, it seems like men are a lot better at compartmentalizing things than women.
So it's a lot more of a challenge to go to this like boss girl, like productive, like in my experience, this is my experience, and then go back into like the nurturing feminine nature.
So I think that, you know, I don't know.
It's just like a way.
I don't know.
Maybe that's why women are like, because like it's so hard to like switch back and forth.
It takes a lot of like manual compartmentalization, I guess.
So I don't really know what the what men misconstrue.
I would guess, I guess it is the shiny things.
I mean, it probably is.
Males, they like shiny things.
The main mistake the two sexes make out of each other is the other one thinks that the other one thinks like they do, or their mind works the way.
Yes, we are definitely really different.
I think we should embrace that because the unionist that is clears so many things up when you realize that.
And now we're supposed to not say anything.
What's the deal with women?
Yeah.
For the best comedy routines.
All right.
We ready for some hate mail?
Yeah.
Close out the show here.
I really miss Adam Ford.
So we got some hate mail from Valerie.
Someone named Valerie.
And since you're a woman, you get to read this in Valerie's voice.
Valerie.
You get to sing it, not sing it.
You should stop the fake stories on the Babylon B.
Okay, I'll just say that.
People are tired of the fake stories and mistrust the media already.
You are making it worse by doing it on conservative platforms.
I will not read your articles, and it has deterred me from reading any other articles from the Patriot Post in the future.
Unsubscribe me because I don't know how to do it.
Well, the funny thing is a lot of people email and ask you to unsubscribe me.
I don't, I don't know why, why am I getting these emails?
What's a girl?
Why are you emailing me?
I don't even know what the Patriot post is.
Yeah, it's just like she brought that in.
A news aggregator and they reposted one of our stories.
Maybe that's what it is.
But it's funny because, yeah, she didn't like it.
She doesn't get that it's like a joke side.
She didn't even like reply to one of our newsletters and say, unsubscribe me from this.
It's like she just went to our contact form and said, unsubscribe me.
From what?
What are you subscribed to?
I don't even know.
Seeing our articles.
Did you reach out back out?
We should reply.
Valerie, I'm so sorry that you are dissatisfied.
Yeah.
I wonder if she understands that if we stopped the fake stories in Babylon B, then we would just cease to exist.
Yeah, because that's it.
Weird requests.
We could pivot to real news or something.
It sounds like she's not understanding that it's a joke.
So maybe like the Patriot post or whatever is a news aggregator.
And then they like, for fun, put you guys in there.
And they're like, that's not true.
Yeah.
This didn't happen.
I'm going to send them a strongly worded email.
So they're mad at us that they're aggregating real news and then adding our stories in.
And not telling people.
And then emailed us about it.
That makes sense.
Yeah, yeah.
Good job, Valerie.
All right.
Sorry, Valerie.
Sorry.
All right.
Well, we're going to move into our subscriber portion where we're going to do some really awesome stuff.
Craziness.
Crazy stuff.
It's going to be freaking bananas.
Yeah.
Chandler's coming out of the closet as like a crazy right-wing zealot.
Yeah, or something.
Or she might have to go to an audition.
We're not sure yet.
Yeah, or they're going to stay tuned to find out.
Either way, we're going to do a little bit of a shot.
We don't know what she's doing.
She might not be here.
We don't know yet.
You non-conspiracy theorists?
Subscribe to Babylon B. Should you cancel her?
Subscribe to find out.
But check out all her stuff on all those platforms.
Yeah, all the kids news, Instagram.
It's fun to find show notes, too.
Click on it in the show notes and check it out.
You're already on YouTube.
Find me on YouTube.
Coming up next for Babylon Bee subscribers.
Especially when I worked on my TV shows.
That's what he always says is the quiet one in the writer's room is the conservative.
Yeah.
Anybody in Hollywood who isn't voicing their politics is the conservative in the room, which is all the people in the cubicles that are just silent.
Wow.
Can you explain to us who Chrissy Teigen is?
You know who that is?
Are we better off not knowing?
Yeah.
Wondering what they'll say next?
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Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dylan for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.