Satanic Metal Bands For Jesus And Join The Corporate Resistance
Kyle and Ethan are joined by standup comedian Trevor Andersen, who viewers may recognize from some of our sketches on YouTube. They talk about Satanic musicians who are or were in the closet of following Jesus and how people who are on the side of every major corporation now think that they are part of the resistance. There's weird news, glorious and salty hate mail, and apparently, Jordan Peterson is Red Skull. Introduction Kyle and Ethan are joined by guest host, Trevor Andersen. You may recognize Trevor from our Teacher Union sketch and a few other news desks. Upcoming Interview We will have Biola Professor Dr. Thaddeus Williams and Monique Duson of the Center For Biblical Unity! They worked together on a book Confronting Injustice Without Compromising Truth. Subscriber Dare: This one comes from Carla Pyle. She wants Kyle, Ethan, and Trevor to make the laughing guy, Patrick, laugh for 60 seconds straight. Weird News 3D-Printed Cremation Urn Replicates Your Loved One's Head A Swan Is Terrorizing Homeowners In The UK By Constantly Knocking On People's Front Doors Man Returns From Shopping Trip To Find 15,000 Bees In His Car MMA Fighter Loses Finger During Match, Causing First Ever TKO By Detached Finger French Police On Trail Of International Gang Of Lego Looters Marvel Releases Captain America Comic With Red Skull Jordan Peterson Australian Man Beaten Up By Octopus While Swimming At The Beach Family Kicked Off Of Spirit Airlines Flight For 2-Year-Old Not Wearing Mask Soviet Version Of Lord Of The Rings Discovered After 30 Years Tiny Rabbit Is Obsessed With Giant Girlfriend Who's 4 Times His Size Canadian Boy's 1.02-Inch Baby Tooth Declared A World Record Jimmy Kimmel stole our joke! Check out our Be Apart Of The Resistance Sketch Satanic Metal Bands That Were Actually Closeted Jesus Lovers Hate Mail Subscriber Lounge Trevor bombing story Bonus Hate Mail Subscriber Headlines Reading Mr. Andersen's headlines Trevor does the 10 questions
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon Bee.
Fake news you can trust.
Hi, welcome to the Babylon Bee.
I am the new owner and CEO.
Oh, no.
I didn't know that you were an eccentric billionaire.
Yeah, I am.
I don't tell most people because they ask me for money.
And no, you can't have money.
This is Trevor Miller.
Anderson.
I don't know.
I just guess.
Throw a generic last name in there.
I mean, if you guess one of the more common names, there's a decent chance.
a pretty white name, but I do have an E at the end.
So it's, it's not the.
Adam Anderson?
Yeah, it's S-E-N.
Yeah, it's a Scandinavian spelling.
So it's perfectly perfectly designed to spell wrong.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So you may recognize Trevor Anderson from our teacher sketch we did.
Yes.
And from some of our news desks, at least one of them.
Yeah, I did the Biden's funniest home videos.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
The one that tanked horribly.
Yeah.
That's right.
I take responsibility since I am taking the financial hit there.
Yeah.
I know.
He started inserting himself in all our videos because he's paying for it all.
That's right.
I just had a dream to be famous, and I don't know why I chose this venue.
Can you imagine if Elon Musk bought the Babylon B and then he just insisted on being in everything?
Hope you do well.
And he's just got that very dry.
Let's look at Biden's funny videos.
I'm just looking forward to that prophecy fulfilled.
That's going to happen.
The Musk purchase?
Yeah.
I sure hope so.
Man, Seth is going to be so mad.
Just talking about kind of like, I got to get rid of Seth.
I think Seth hopes so.
Yeah, no.
Seth is still laying on a bed of money.
He's like, I'm tired of jokes.
Exactly.
Well, Trevor, thanks for having us on today.
Sure.
I'm Kyle Mann, the editor-in-chief of the Babylon B.
And this is I'm Ethan, creative director.
You're both fired.
We got a crazy show for you.
Yes, fun.
We want to encourage you guys to subscribe to the Babylon B because that's what keeps the show going.
BabylonB.com slash plans.
Subscribe, send us money.
And we'll even dance for that money.
Yes.
Sometimes we'll do whatever we're asked.
Yeah.
And we have a challenge today.
So we have a subscriber dare intro.
This is subscriber dare.
Carla Pyle has written in and she says, I would decide I would subscribe.
Then I found out you were willing to work for my subscriptions.
Now I'm holding out until you meet my demands.
See, this is not worth it.
Because you don't want to do it for people that are going to work unsubscribing anyway.
Oh, well.
She says, my favorite part of your podcast is the guy who laughs in the background.
He didn't laugh.
There he is.
There he is.
My challenge is for you to get him to laugh, really laugh, not faking it, at everything you say for 60 seconds.
Does that count?
That should count.
Does that count?
That should count.
You've already got him going.
Now, Trevor is five seconds in.
He's a stand-up comic.
Oh, yeah.
I can cut away to try to put this on him.
Yeah.
Should I do something to show you?
Go.
Okay.
Is there any way to put a camera on, Patrick?
Dan's on it.
Nice.
What's the deal with the Pope?
He's Catholic.
I just want to point out, though, that Patrick, if you think that he's not, that he's faking it, you are wrong.
You are dead wrong.
guy in fact it's really hard to have a conversation with him i was telling him about i was just telling him about like my grandmother was sick and he was dying I was like, this is not a joke, Patrick.
This is really inappropriate.
This is like stage 13 leukemia.
I don't know how many stages there are.
I don't think there's 13.
I was hoping that making a joke.
You're thinking 12 steps.
Yeah.
Patrick also is an alcoholic.
12 rules.
So I'm Kyle and I have leukemia.
All right.
So where's the timer?
We got Patrick on there.
There he is.
That's the laugher.
He's our laugh track.
Just being honest.
Controversial laugh track.
Yeah.
I saw something.
He sounds like he's like medicated in a metal room.
YouTube comments.
It's not, you don't have to try very hard.
This, this, this person who sent this, she probably do it.
All time.
Okay.
How are you?
What are you going to do?
No, just laugh.
Just trying to be natural.
Just do it.
We don't want to lose this.
Okay.
One minute.
Beginning now.
I forgot all of my jokes.
Hey.
Oh, man.
I just crap blood.
Oh, no.
What's the deal with airplanes?
Yeah.
They're so small.
And the Pope.
Why don't they just build the whole plane out of the black box stuff?
Why is the Pope got that funny hat?
Yeah.
Is he trying to get upside down and spin around like a top?
Makes him closer to God or something?
I don't know.
Yeah.
And also, what's up with cats?
Right.
Oh, man.
What is up with them?
They don't care about anything.
Yeah.
They're just like the opposite of dogs.
Hey, Patrick, I've told you.
I know, right?
I've told you that my wife is Mexican, right?
I know.
Dude, we talked about it.
Hold on.
We talked about this.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
Fine.
Look at that.
10 seconds.
Oh, so Mexican wife jokes.
Oh, Samali.
Here's an email.
Here's an email we got.
Can the Kyle and Ethan talk videos be done without the laugh track?
Thanks.
And then here's all the comments from the people within the Babylon Beat.
Jamie says, I kind of agree.
We should make it more subtle.
Make it more subtle.
Seth says, what's the laugh track?
Jamie says, it's just someone who laughs after every comment.
Seth says, that's not a laugh track.
It's Patrick.
And he goes, it's so weird.
There's five people who hate it, and then there's another five people who rave about it.
It is like pretty even.
Yeah.
Here's another comment.
I love the Babylon Beat podcast.
It's so good.
I love the laughing man in the back.
Yeah, some people love him and some people.
Just chilling him.
He's just being happy.
Jeez.
I think the guy who said he sounds like a medicated guy in like a metal room said he loves just envisioning this guy who's like on crack in his metal cell.
Just got him in another room.
Seth says he likes Patrick.
He even thought I was funny.
Oh, wow.
Ouch.
Wow, amazing.
I think there's six seconds.
I think there was probably a solid six seconds of laughing.
We keep saying I handed out any signal and I didn't.
What we need to do is get quite understand what I was supposed to do.
That was like an open mic night.
Yeah.
Like one minute.
So for a stand-up comic, you can't be like, stand in front of this one guy and tell jokes right now.
I mean, I have done shows like that.
I did.
I did try to do my own show where like in Scotland at the Fringe Festival and I advertise and I would go out and hand out flyers and I was like, come to my show.
And then one time it was just one dude and I did the whole show for that dude.
He really liked it.
Bought a t-shirt and everything.
That's what it's, I mean, because I was in a band and it's even worse when you set your entire band up.
It's for one person.
Jumping around and sweaty.
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Well, if you're like a pastor of a church and only one person shows up, do you do the whole worship service in the one scene?
I've done sermons for like six.
Do you, when you do that, do you look out into the audience like there's more?
No, yeah, you look, you look to the back.
You preach to the back of the room like there's a bunch of people.
Or instead of just looking at the one guy?
Yeah, absolutely.
Very performative.
Okay.
We also wanted to mention if you don't want to send us money for subscriptions, you can send us money for stuff.
Yeah, we got stuff.
And people are always like, what?
You have a store?
Yeah, we've had a store for years.
We've got mugs.
We got a hardcore fan.
We've got the book.
You don't have the book yet.
You need the book.
Get the freaking book, people.
The new book.
Yeah.
That's a good one.
It's glorious.
We also have a shirt that says, Is your cat actually Satan?
And it gives you all the reasons you catch Satan.
We have a Calvinist dog mug.
We've got the one-year anniversary of two weeks to flatten the curve shirt.
Yeah.
So you want to celebrate that?
Celebrate.
All kinds of goodies.
Shopped at Babylon.com.
Go there.
It'll be on the Let's Do some weird news.
This news is weird.
Can I do the sound or whatever?
I mean, it's already edited in.
Come on.
All right.
I love that.
Yeah, the most disappointing.
It's a screaming goat.
Yeah, the most disappointing thing so far has been that the screaming goat didn't just pop up in front of me because I was actually hoping.
Yeah.
So you listen to the show?
I mean, no.
Or watch.
Me neither.
I was just.
I just, I just like and comment for the algorithm.
Most of my time is spent defending Patrick in the comments.
They're like, just go into town.
That laughing guy is so cringe, and I'm like, you don't love the Babylon baby.
You hate life.
You hate love.
You hate laughter.
Patrick is a treasure.
He's a saint.
So there's a 3D printed urn that replicates your loved one's head.
So you put the ashes in and be replica, too.
It's like they're scaring like Uncanny Valley heading on your mantle.
And their example is Obama's head.
So you can also do this.
You can do a celebrity.
So you could put your loved one's ashes in the head of John Travolta or something.
Is that kind of a death threat, though?
It is weird to me that they used Obama's head.
Like a living president.
Yeah.
It's really weird.
Yeah, why not do Abraham Lincoln or something?
And how gross would it be to put your entire body's remains in just your head?
In a head.
Yeah, that's almost like sausage or something.
Right?
3D printing.
Grind up one part of a thing, put it in a different body part.
Yeah, print the whole body and then put your ashes in there.
So at least that.
Yeah.
You know, you get that space.
I feel like an animatronic Disneyland kind of Hall of President style.
We'll get there.
We'll get there.
Get Japan on it.
They make lifelike things, humans.
Just a recording of your voice when people walk by and be like, I missed you.
Yeah, it's the laser sensor.
I'm just one of those Halloween things that stands up.
Ah!
That would be the most terrifying Halloween decoration.
Just your grandpa just going, I'm alive.
Just kidding.
Just kidding.
I'll love you like dad jokes.
I mean, you could doubt tell dad jokes forever.
Oh, that's good.
That'd be awesome.
You know what, though?
Post-mortem dad jokes.
I think this would be great.
Hi, Hungry.
I would get two of these because both of my grandfathers died last year on the same day because they shot each other.
You could do a half-face.
Wait, that was a joke.
He was trying to get past it.
Sort of.
Hey.
I'm just trying to go for like worse and worse jokes to see if I'm not.
What I want to know is, how do they get the 3D print of the head?
Like, do you have to laser the person's head?
And if you forget to do that before they passed, is it post?
Oh, yeah.
Just from memory.
What if they got shot in the head or something?
You're going to get.
Can they edit that?
I don't know how it works.
It's a death mask of the jacket.
Your head got run over.
Yeah.
All right.
Wouldn't be a good memory to have.
A swan is terrorizing homeowners in the UK by constantly knocking on people's front doors.
Terrorizing is doing a lot of heavy lifting.
Yeah, terrorizing.
Oh, my gosh.
Terrorizing.
But this has been going on for five years.
So they finally wrote a news story about it.
Gosh.
The residents on one block of Northampton, UK, have been dealing with a confusing nuisance.
A swan that likes to knock on doors.
So with the beak, I assume.
Yeah, just let him in.
Somebody just let the swan in.
What is he trying to tell them?
He has a message.
It reminds me of the swan from Hot Fuzz.
You're seeing Hot Fuzz?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe that's what it is.
Well, and this doesn't seem like swan behavior.
This is like goose behavior.
I don't know.
Like the swan fell in with a bad crowd.
Culturally appropriating goose.
Immature swan.
Possibly raised by middle schoolers.
It says he rattles the letterbox and then bashes the metal with its beak quite loudly.
That's a quote from a guy from the UK.
Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
He starts by rattling the letterbox and then bashes the metal with its beak quite loudly.
The rocket.
Yeah, go ahead.
The racket reverberates through the whole house.
A toothless.
I don't know what North America is.
It doesn't do any damage, but it's extremely ill-tight.
I would just like to say to all of our viewers in the UK that we meant that you have dumb voices.
Sometimes it does it for three hours at a time.
Okay, that could be.
Nobody just kicks it or anything.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
So it's possible that we were thinking that maybe this is somebody who was turned into a swan by a witch or something.
They're trying to tell them, like, it's me.
It's Jeremy, the kid who got lost five years ago.
Yeah.
You know what?
Yeah, what did this homeowner lose a child around the same time that the goose started knocking on his door?
Did the child die brutally?
Did they make an urn of his head?
We're trying to make Patrick laugh.
I don't know.
He just laughs at everything.
Next is yours, Trevor.
Which was this?
Oh, the man.
Yeah, man.
Man returns from a shopping trip to find 15,000 bees in his car.
This is a 10-minute shopping trip, Albertson's.
Yeah.
He shows back up.
He gets in the car.
He looks in the rearview mirror and there's 15,000 bees.
Just in the car.
In the car.
Pull up your windows.
Why are you?
Okay.
What did he have in the car?
The bees were like, I need some of that.
He had one of those honey-scented pine tree hanging.
I don't know.
So we called 91, a firefighter showed up who happens to be a beekeeper.
What are the odds?
That's convenient.
And a bee counter because how did he know there's 15,000?
Who'd counted those?
But yeah, all right, 15,000 bees, whatever.
Did you do it individually or does it just estimate?
And because that's a really round number, 15,000.
Stop moving.
You think that there would be like 15,000 and like 43 or something.
Probably rounded.
Wow.
So the firefighter said he turned back and looked and was like, holy cow.
That's the quote.
That's what the quote.
Holy cow.
He just yelled, bees.
Insert Nicholas Cage shouting bees from the camera movie right here.
Oh, no, not the bees.
Not the bees.
So an MMA fighter lost his finger during a match, causing the first ever TKO by detached finger.
So, wait a minute.
So this guy, so he's fighting.
Yeah, he's fighting somebody and then just doesn't notice that he's lost a finger.
His fight was stopped when the referee noticed he was missing his left finger.
The referee noticed.
Your finger's missing.
I might.
Was this in the UK?
I don't know.
Oh, he might.
Oi, oi.
You lost a digit.
You dropped a digit.
Mike.
Oh, it's an Australian.
You got a license for that.
Oh, you got a license for that.
Officials looked all around the cage.
There's even an announcement over the PA system asking you to look for the fingers.
Everybody's like, look at their chairs.
He lost it.
He's taking through their purses.
It's like he lost a finger.
Did it go flying?
Landed in somebody's big gulp.
Would the owner of the severed finger please report to IO4?
Oh, the owner is the guy.
I think it's funny that he lost the match because he lost the, that's a TKO.
Yeah.
I didn't like, I don't think that that's a good precedent to set because you lose a finger.
Now people are.
I assume he won.
No, it's lost by TKO because he lost a finger.
It's kind of like when you get bleed too much or whatever.
So, if losing an appendage makes you lose, then Hollyfield lost that fight with Tyson.
Tyson bit off that ear, he wins.
Oh, TKO.
It's a game challenge.
I think this is the opposite.
This is a bad precedent.
People are going to be biting fingers off.
You know what he said after?
He said, rip off.
Oh, okay.
Because he ripped his finger off.
Rip off.
Patrick is so subdued today.
Yeah.
It's like the one day we're trying to get.
You just lost as a subscriber, by the way, Patrick.
That's money that doesn't go to you.
Sad.
You're fired.
French police on trail of international gang of Lego looters.
Such a French thing to do.
French police say they are building a case against an international gang of toy thieves specializing in stealing Legos.
The alert comes after officers arrested three people, a woman and two men, in the process of stealing boxes of Legos from a toy shop outside Paris last June.
So it was George Clooney, Brad Pitt.
Who was the woman?
Julia Roberts.
Which one was that?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So they're the Oceans 11 of Legos.
That was the joke there.
Lego Oceans 11.
Like Lego Batman and Lego.
I can't wait.
Just Lego heists.
Or if we want to go back to Nicholas Cage, it's National Treasure.
Yeah.
So the cops are chasing them and they're just dropping Legos behind them.
Oh, they're bouncing on one foot.
All right.
How did they get around that security?
Yeah, right.
Well, and if you ever bought Legos, they are expensive.
So, I mean, what's the holy grail for these people, these thieves?
They're going out the $800 Millennium Falcon or something.
There it is.
It's in a vault.
It's got the glass case.
Do they have a driver, like baby driver or something?
Yeah.
He's listening to something.
He's listening to the song from the Lego movie.
from the left.
Everything is awesome.
Everything is awesome.
All right.
You take the next, Trevor.
Oh, my goodness.
Okay.
Marvel releases Captain America comic with Red Skull Joy Jordan.
Joy.
Joyden Point.
Joy and Pointson.
All right.
He's the Red Skull.
And then you can see that he tweeted this out.
He said, what the heck?
Hacksaw.
You hear his voice.
Hacksaw.
I just.
This is not Gordon.
Red Skull.
So weird.
The Red Skull is a Nazi, right?
Yeah.
You remember when Hitler was always like, clean your room?
Tell the truth or at least don't lie.
Clean out a room.
Tell the truth.
Or at least don't lie.
Right.
Also, Hitler would not shut up about lobsters.
He gives me a video idea.
We need a Hitler impersonator to read all of the 12 rules.
If you see a cat in the street, just do one of his videos of his speeches and then subtitle it.
So I saw this picture from the comic.
This is one from a comic Marvel released.
And I think Dan sent it to me or something.
And I saw the chaos and order.
And I'm like, that's a stretch.
And I click on the full image and it's literally Red Skull on YouTube doing the 10 rules for life, the feminist trap, chaos and order.
Carl Luger's genius.
I don't know who's supposed to be like Carl Jones.
That's what I was wondering.
It's an Austrian politician.
Okay.
So Tanya He C. Coates wrote this, apparently.
Yeah.
Which is like, you know, BLM person.
Heard the name.
Heard the name.
Yeah.
They wrote a book.
All right.
Yeah, I'm not saying anything.
I don't want her to turn me into a character now.
I'm going to be Doc Ock pretty soon here.
It's so fantastic.
This is just an amazing story.
I have one.
I have a DC comic where Batman goes and he busts in the room with this politician and he's like, I voted for you, man.
And he goes, you supported all the agendas that I like.
Gun control, the environment.
Well, he's mad because he's corrupt now or something.
And I'm just like, you can't just take what you believe and put it in the mouth of a hero.
Make a bad guy who's AOC.
People don't have to work, even if they're not willing to work, to get paid.
So that's Bane.
That's already AOC Bane.
That would be amazing to take Bane saying AOC stuff.
That'd be awesome, actually.
What's the make it?
What's the famous AOC quote?
Like the factually inaccurate, but morally true.
Factually inaccurate, but morally true.
Bane is weeping outside of the wall at the border.
Bane ties himself up with his shoelaces.
You can't lift yourself by your bootstraps.
That would be impossible.
It's physically impossible.
You merely adopted the socialism.
I was born into it.
We could go on.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, is it my turn?
I think so.
An Australian man was beaten up by an octopus while swimming at the beach.
I love that story.
Good.
So, geologist Lance Carlson said he was about to take a dip.
He noticed a seagull getting punched by an octopus.
He thought it was a stingray.
So he went over to check it out.
Hey, what's going on over here?
The seagull.
Can octopuses?
Can they punch?
Yeah.
Do they strike?
Oh, yeah.
He discovers an octopus when he got closer with his two-year-old daughter, and suddenly it struck in their direction.
And later, he went in the water to swim.
He's like, oh, well, that was weird that octopus earlier.
It found him and struck him in the arm, neck, and upper back, and they left stinging red welts on his skin.
And it says it only eased the pain after he poured cola over them.
Like, I envision this guy, like, you know, like Mickey Rourke from Sin City, just like laying in the bathtub, smoking a cigarette, like pouring cola on his welts.
Like, oh, octopus got me.
I think that, yeah, that the octopus was like, that's what I wanted the whole time.
It's an Australian octopus.
So he's like, oh, I might.
Oh, I might.
Give me a coke.
This octopus beatdown was brought to you by Coca-Cola.
Yeah, I just, I like how big was this octopus?
Because it sounds like it just kicked his butt.
Yeah.
It rocked him.
Yeah.
Destroyed.
It rip his finger off.
Yep.
TKO.
Instant TKO.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
That's a callback.
Thank you.
That's like what happened in the other story.
Family kicked.
A family was kicked off of Spirit Airlines.
Well, hold on.
Let Patrick finish laughing.
No.
Family was kicked off of Spirit Airlines flight for a two-year-old not wearing a mask.
This is more like dumb news than we're like, why is the word?
This isn't even weird.
It's not weird anymore.
Yeah.
We're used to this stuff now.
Who?
So I guess the kid was eating.
It sounds like even eating?
Yeah, that's what they said.
Oh, my gosh.
Like, I can get my six-year-old to keep a mask on.
Yeah.
You can't explain it to them.
No, I know.
There's invisible things that come out of your face.
You got to put it on your head.
Yeah, with a two-year-old, isn't it?
Hard enough to get him to keep wearing pants.
Yeah, it's true.
Exactly.
That's what we're working on.
They don't even keep their clothes on.
My four-year-old, we go into places and he says, I'm wearing a pretend mask.
That's what he tells people.
That should melt apart.
So, okay, well, that's just so you guys know how stupid things are.
Yeah, the toddler was sitting on her pregnant mom's lap eating yogurt.
Her dad pulled his mask down to speak with the airline worker, and they told him they needed to exit the plane for non-compliance.
She said, and she, so she also had her daughter and seven-year-old son who has special needs.
So this mom is sitting there with a special needs child and a two-year-old.
Oh my gosh.
People are ridiculous.
I remember my wife, something, you know, my kid, our kid was having like a meltdown on the plane and just needed to be in her lap.
And they like were threatening to like have the authorities meet her at the airport because she would not strap them in.
Anyway, she can tell the story better.
She'll get her on the line.
We'll get her on a special interview.
Special interview.
It's this.
Who's up?
Oh, I don't know.
I guess it's me then.
Go ahead.
All right.
This seems like your expertise, Kyle.
Yeah, this is up for Kyle here.
Actually, yeah, Kyle, you should do this one.
A Soviet version of Lord of the Rings was discovered after 30 years.
There was a 91 film depicting the fellowship of the ring.
It was thought to be lost forever, but it's been digitized on YouTube for the whole world to see.
It's here.
It's just over two hours, and it's amazing.
I've only seen the stills so far, but it's okay.
So you look through this?
It is amazing.
What is the Russian version?
Is there any kind of well when they posted this on NotToB?
I immediately got tagged in about 4 billion cows, I'm sure.
So I had to go look at it.
Just Russian Gandalf going, Floy, you fools.
Yeah, I like Russia.
The Russian Gandalf on the Eagle is my favorite image I found there.
Yeah, he's really writing it too.
Yeah.
Tiny Rabbit is obsessed with a giant girlfriend who's four times his size.
So this girl, there's a Lily, the rabbit is 16 pounds, and Romeo is four pounds.
He's Lily's shadow.
He follows her everywhere.
Wait, the girlfriend's also a rabbit?
Yeah, but she's massive.
You see the picture?
Yeah.
How do we know they're dating?
Yeah, what is this?
Girlfriend?
Yeah, how do we know that it's official?
Like, maybe they're just friends.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm not.
Bunny, rabbits are not known for just friendship, though.
I think we're projecting our culture on them here.
The friend zone is definitely a rabbit thing.
I think so.
Yes.
I think rabbits are friends with benefits.
That's true.
They're definitely more of the orgy type.
Yeah, the casual orgy.
Well, you know that somebody is into this.
Somebody is just like, that's my, that's what I want.
They didn't know they were into it.
Now they are.
Yeah.
Oh, we just.
What is happening?
We're going to move on.
So there was a Canadian.
Somebody's going to have to see their therapist after that one.
There's a Canadian boy, and he had a baby tooth that was 1.02 inches, and it was declared a world record.
World record.
Yay!
Now, if you look at the picture, it's pretty horrifying.
It looks like this thing would have been sticking out of the top of his forehead.
Oh, my God.
Like a unicorn horn or something.
Okay, so at least this is not somebody trying to do a world record by doing something really stupid that's not even hard.
Just existing.
Yeah, it's like the tallest man.
That's what a world record is for.
Now, largest baby tooth, kind of who cares?
Well, maybe probably the second place guy.
There's probably another nine-year-old somewhere in the world who's really bummed out that his tooth wasn't long enough.
It's pretty long.
It's pretty long.
Pretty good, but not enough.
Just 0.02 inches too long.
Biggest tooth in the world.
Never heard of them.
Yeah.
That's a Jerry Simmon.
Is your laptop made out of wood?
Yeah.
The interior mostly is wood.
That's the one.
The top-level trims you can buy on cars is like fake wood.
That's how you know it's fancy.
That's sure.
Like a station wagon?
Yeah, I guess.
But still, like you buy a real nice Cadillac or something.
That's like a little fake wood.
Well, it'd be great to see the entire wood, the entire car.
Like a wooden motor.
Like a woody.
Right.
Okay, so let's move on.
Hopefully, all of that out.
So we made a video this week.
Yeah.
You want to watch it?
Yeah.
Can we play it?
Let's play it.
Greetings, followers.
If you're watching this, then you are part of the resistance.
The resistance against the overwhelming majority who stand between us and a progressive, socialist, inclusive, anti-capitalist society.
And today, the resistance is brought to you by Oreo.
Delicious cookies.
Mmm, mmm, so good.
Tastes even better knowing that this cookie recognizes the existence of trans people.
Because trans people do exist.
But you know who shouldn't exist?
White people.
White people are oppressive and violent.
And if you're white, don't be.
Oh, is that too hard for you?
Too bad.
Figure it out.
Join the resistance.
And that message is brought to you by Coca-Cola.
Ah, refreshing.
Be less white.
Also, be less rich.
Eat the rich.
Don't fall prey to the sins of consumerism.
Look at this.
What's inside this box represents the deaths and poverty caused by a capitalist society.
We must do an unboxing to expose the evil of this toy.
Perfect limb articulation.
Exact likeness of Carl Weathers.
And a sweet sidearm blaster.
You want to know how much this costs, you puritanical conformists?
Just $5.99 at your local target.
Be the change.
Be the resistance.
This message has been brought to you by The Mandalorian.
Seasons one and two are now streaming on Disney Plus.
Yeah, plus.
We need to add to the resistance because we may be few, but we are loud.
We are underground, but our voices will cause others to come and join us.
And we need you.
Join us.
Join me and the members of Antifa and the activists in Hollywood.
And all the non-activists in Hollywood too.
I guess the whole state of California.
The Senate, the president, certainly the vice president.
The media, both print and television and internet, DubSoap, Nike, Gillette, Facebook.
Facebook's with us.
Ben and Jerry's.
Arby's, they have the meats.
Sports Illustrated, Airbnb, Lyft, Chips Ahoy.
Oh, the majority of college campuses.
Subway, Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime.
Welcome to the Resistance, people.
Those are very unenthusiastic fists.
There's a corporate fist.
So one thing we noticed after we did this video was that Jimmy Kimmel put out a very similar video, but making the opposite joke.
The opposite.
Basically being the joke we are making.
You can like the exact gag of all the corporations' logos coming up on the screen.
Except we were saying, like, here's the resistance, and it's funded by all these corporations, every corporation on the planet.
And he was going like, oh, Republicans want to cancel.
They hate cancel culture, but they want to cancel these poor corporations, man.
Stop attacking the mega corporations, bro.
And then it was the exact same joke of like, Amazon, Subway, blah, blah, blah, or whatever.
It is bizarre to see a comedian being like, I am in lockstep with every single major corporation.
He's got that smile on his face.
Like, wow.
Okay.
Good job.
I think we should make a rule.
If you're going to steal our jokes, you're not allowed to make them worse.
I'm sure he watches a lot of people.
It has to be at least a lateral move, you know?
That was objectively worse.
Does it feel weird to be conservative comedy and be the ones that are like countercultural?
Be like the ones that are attacking the establishment.
Yeah.
And now the liberal comedy is like, no, no, don't attack the big corporations, man.
What do they call it?
Rage for the machine.
Rage in deep favor of the machine.
Rage to defend the machine.
Rage with the machine.
In obsession with the machine, like a four-pound rabbit.
Yeah, but I want to put out there, Jimmy Kimmel, if you're watching.
I'm available for writing.
Yeah, or our writer is.
Well, I wrote that joke.
All right.
Now, we brought Trevor on because Trevor is a, he's into satanic music.
But it's only because so much of the satanic music of the past is closeted Jesus lover music.
Yeah, that's true.
Okay, so, yeah.
Okay, so you remember all of the heavy metal bands in the 80s that were like real, like, yeah, Satan, you know, and they had like, so there's like Slayer and there's Iron Maiden and Megadeth and, you know, wham.
Yeah, wham.
Yeah, it was a little too dark for me.
But yeah, okay, so the thing is, all of those guys, well, Christians now.
It's funny because they're like, they're all Christians.
And I think, all right, you know how there's those dudes who just like really hate gay people because they're secretly gay?
Yeah, like, yeah, everybody here.
I think it was these.
I'm just imagining all these metalheads from the 80s like making fun of the Bible with their friends.
Just holding, like, look at this.
So gum.
Actually resonates with me on a really deep level.
You know, well, they're turning off into the closet and reading.
They go to like Jeremiah or something to get lyrics.
Right?
Yeah, they're obsessed with the Bible.
And the dragon comes with the blood and the fire.
And they're like, actually.
Speaking to me.
So yeah, look, we got Slayer.
So Slayer, they had a lot of satanic imagery, a lot of lyrics that are openly satanic.
But Tommy, Tony, sorry, Tom Araya is a practicing Catholic.
He said, Christ came and taught us.
I thought we were talking about ones that were Christians.
Yeah, this guy, he is.
Oh, I see.
Catholic.
Yeah.
Oh, that's right.
Guys, Patrick is a Catholic.
I'm outing him now.
So everyone who thinks he's great, he's laughing because the Pope told him to.
I always feel like practicing is like they're not very good at it yet.
He's practicing.
He's not ready for primary.
He's not an expert Catholic.
He's by no means ready to go pro.
So if you see him at one of those heavy metal orgies or Satan worship things, he's like, well, I'm just practicing.
Right.
Quite there.
Right.
So you, but I mean, so with Iron Maiden, you got Number of the Beast.
They got the devil right there on the cover, but, uh, the drummer, Nico McBrain is a, yep.
He is a Christian.
He, you know, he loves Jesus.
In fact, it says, I had this love affair with Jesus going on in my heart.
So there you go.
Now he's... Plosited.
He was...
He was.
He's out of the closet now.
And so, I mean, it's the same like with Megadeth.
You've got Dave Mustaine and Dave Elfson.
Two Daves.
Two Dave.
Both the Daves of Megadeth are Christians.
And then when Dave Mustaine came out of the closet, he refused to even tour with satanic bands.
He was like, I'm done.
No more anthrax.
He wouldn't let Slayer.
He was like, nobody, none of these guys are on tour with me.
It was just, it was he and Carmen.
So Dave Mustaine, when he became a Christian, they released this album called United Abominations.
And he went hardcore into like the left behind.
So all of his songs are like, Jesus Coming, like the, you know, America's the new Babylon and, you know, look to the skies.
I really loved his cover of like, there's no time to change your mind.
And then just like a 20-minute guitar solo.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fantastic.
And of course, Alice Cooper, who everyone knows is the predecessor to Marilyn Manson.
You know, he's satanic just because he got that weird, like, ultimate warrior makeup.
Yeah, just look at him.
You know, my uncle has that same haircut still.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Is he Satanic?
No, he's just stuck in the 80s.
I hope he doesn't watch this.
That's Cooper.
No, anyway, this is all just evidence that.
He went full AM radio and stuff, right?
Like he has like a does he?
I think so.
Alice Cooper?
Yeah, I think.
Anyway.
Anyway, this is my argument that there's good evidence and precedent set that Lil Nas X will become a Christian in the next five to ten years.
He's going to come out of the closet.
I think Lil Nas X is just a closeted Christian.
He hates Christianity because he's secretly in love.
He's in deep heart.
He's having a love affair with Jesus.
We can talk about Black Sabbath.
We've got the bassist, Geezer Butler.
He wrote a lot of lyrics.
Very Catholic.
Geezer Butler.
And now he's really older.
When he was younger, that name didn't make as much sense.
But he really grew into it.
This sounds like a derogatory term for your servant.
Geezer Butler.
We just talked to John Cooper of Skillet and he was talking about corn.
Oh, yeah.
I remember I think that's the name of corn.
Monkey or head or head monkey.
Head monkey.
Now I don't remember the names of the clothes.
They all have monkey names.
They do.
That's like a stage name.
I don't know anything about corn.
Corn.
Yeah.
It's got a K.
We should also mention the sign of the horns from Dio.
This came from Ronnie James.
Dio and his Italian Catholic grandma would get the sign of the evil eye.
And she would use it when she felt like there was possession or something.
And she'd be like, ah, back.
Evil horns.
So he thought it looked cool.
And so he started using it as his concerts.
And people said, oh, it's the devil horns.
It was actually supposed to be the superstitious thing to ward off evil spirits.
Yeah, well, Gene Simmons contests that.
He says that he invented it as well as rock and roll and makeup.
Yeah.
And sex.
Yeah.
Well, come on.
We know that's true.
We know that one's true.
I saw KISS live before concerts ended, so probably two years ago.
Okay.
And it was a little depressing.
I mean, they were good.
Yeah.
But it was like, if you had stopped touring like maybe five years ago, we'd all have very good memories.
It's weird seeing them walk like on stage with the platform boots and then walkers.
Yeah.
Rockers with walker.
That's what it is.
Yeah.
Do we have it?
That's it.
That's all the mans that are Christian.
That's all we got so far.
If you got any more, add them in the comments.
Yeah.
Oh, did you know Striper is Christian?
Oh, wow.
I think they're secret atheists.
They're actually devil worshippers.
That's the opposite.
Absolutely.
Love it.
A little opposite jokes.
Let's do some hate mail.
I really miss Adam Ford.
Kira, send us hate mail.
Not Kira Davis.
Kira.
And this is about an article we wrote where we said that parents were disguising their children as immigrants in order to get them some in-person teaching.
And the Photoshop is a white boy with a fake mustache and sombrero because that's how you would disguise your children to make them look like immigrants.
And here's what Kira says: Is the picture to go with your article here supposed to not be racist?
Because it's incredibly racist.
Like, y'all are supposed to be Christians, right?
Don't Christians send missionaries to Mexico?
Why was your portrayal of an illegal immigrant disguise, a child wearing a Mexican sombrero and a handlebar mustache?
That's not even the right mustache.
I don't know.
My advice, stop writing forever.
You're bad at it.
That's terrible news.
It sounds like Kira.
What's her name?
Karen?
Kira.
Kira.
Yeah, no, okay.
I like that she's correcting you guys on your stereotypes.
You're like, if you're going to do it, if you're going to stereotype Mexicans, at least get the mustache.
What would be the proper way to dress a white child as an immediate check?
Do you want me to do them with brown face?
I'm not going to do it.
I mean, have you been to Mexico?
People just dress the same as us.
And the joke is that this white suburban mom would think this is how you're supposed to.
And this has been Kyle Explains a Joke.
I thought.
I really thought it was funny that this mom would be like, we're going to sneak him in.
Well, you know who didn't think it was funny?
Kira.
Kira didn't think it was funny.
Do you think that you could probably easily find an image?
I think that it's just terrible news that you're bad at writing because stop it forever.
That's your, I mean, what are you going to do?
Yeah, life over.
I also like the opening line of, is the picture you're supposed to not be racist?
Like we have this checklist, like funny, good composition, realistic?
Not racist.
Not racist.
Check.
Good color balance.
All right, guys.
Well, this is a show for you, and it's a completed show.
Or is it?
It is if you're poor.
Right.
But if you're not poor, you can subscribe to the Babylon B. Join us for the subscriber letter.
There's more?
Let's sit in some leather chairs and discuss the finer things of life.
Read some bonus hate mail.
We're going to find some.
I think that people just like us.
I think that's what it's going.
It's going to be impossible to find hate mail from here on out.
It's true.
This is the last time.
It gets harder and harder.
We're just so beloved.
When we first did hate mail, I had a huge backlog of it for three years of Babylon B.
And so I was able to pull the very best.
And we're in a bit of a hate mail drought.
Yeah.
And I personally think that this is low quality hate mail.
I think that if you're going to hate us, do us a favor and put some effort into it.
I liked this one.
I like the nitpickiness about the handlebar mustache.
Yeah, I like that.
That's my favorite.
That is the best part.
Mexican kids don't have handlebar mustaches.
Yeah.
They're the pencil Clark Gable ones.
Haven't you ever seen a picture of Vicente Fernandez?
And also, I want to close the show by saying that my wife is Mexican.
So I can do whatever I want.
Mine too.
Oh.
All right.
Yeah.
Boom.
Yeah, is it the same?
Yeah, we're married to the same woman.
Surprise.
That was weird.
They say her name at the same time.
Des Stephen?
I didn't want to say my wife's really private.
I didn't want to say Mexican.
Well, you can say what I'm saying.
Yeah, whatever.
We try to joke.
I know.
Well, because you try to joke.
I didn't know what was going on.
Bye.
Coming up next for Babylon B subscribers.
And I got about halfway through my act, and one lady just stands up and she's like, I'm sorry.
And she turns to the rest of the audience, and she's like, is anyone enjoying this?
And they were like, no.
Next time my wife cooks, I could try this with the kids.
Do you like this?
Homa, is anybody enjoying these Brussels sprouts?
Does anybody like this?
We're leaving.
What would be the first thing you would do as president?
And the Fed.
All right.
I like this guy.
I don't know what that is, but I'm down.
Wondering what they'll say next?
The rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
Go to BabylonB.com slash plans for full-length ad-free podcasts.
Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dylan for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.