Woke Ice Cream and Secret Racism This is The Babylon Bee Weekly for the week of April 16, 2021. Kyle and Ethan talk about the weirdest of news like the Pentagon developing a microchip to detect Covid-19 symptoms before they arise and all the ways you could be a racist and not even know it. After that, they examine how ice cream is trying to dismantle the police and how video games are putting in disabled women as World War 2 soldiers. As always, we end in delicious hate mail that our bold CEO Seth Dillon responded to while swimming in his pool of $100 bills. Introduction Kyle and Ethan talk about what's new and what's happened to them lately. Ethan's glass table broke Next Tuesday our interview with comedian John Branyan will come out on Tuesday Buy things from our store, like this shirt Subscriber Dare We want to wish a happy birthday to Kristen who listens to us while running. Kyle will read Stuff That's Good in his Kermit the frog voice. Stuff That's Good Kyle likes Hoptea! (In his Kermit voice) Ethan likes Hand Rolled Documentary Weird News Groom's Mom Discovers Bride Is Her Long-Lost Daughter On Wedding Day Two Men Arrested In India For Using Monkeys To Steal Cash From Unsuspecting Victims Police Bust Mattress Factory Using Discarded Masks Instead Of Cotton To Fill Their Mattresses Cat Rescued After 18 Days Stuck In Arkansas Tree Co-Founder Of BLM Just Bought a $1.4 million L.A. "compound" In A Rich, Largely White Neighborhood David Hogg Drops Pillow Venture He Launched During Spat With Mike Lindell Steak-Umm Takes Out Neil DeGrasse Tyson AT THE KNEES In Epic Tweet Storm Chicago Car Thief Participates In Zoom Court Hearing For Stealing A Car From Inside Another Stolen Car The Pentagon Has Developed A Microchip That Goes Under Your Skin And Can Detect Covid-19 Before Symptoms Arise. Idaho Man Stacks 34 Bars Of Wet Soap For Guinness World Record 10 Signs You Might Be A Secret Racist Most Bizarre Companies That Have Gone Woke Hate Mail Subscriber Portion Check out all our cool stuff in the lounge Love Mail Bonus Hate Mail Top Subscriber Headlines of the Week Battery-Powered Mowers
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth.
With your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon B. Fake news you can trust.
Hello, loyal listeners and first-time listeners.
Second-time listeners, not so much.
Don't care about you.
You know, you go to a church and they have first-time parking?
I've been to a church that had first-time, second time.
And then after that, you're on your own.
But they actually call it like if you're first or second time.
Is a first or second can park here.
Hello, deaf listeners.
Hi.
These people out.
I'm just trying to cover all the bases.
There's probably some.
If you're a deaf listener, reach out.
You probably do YouTube or something.
Yeah, I know.
We got a guy.
That guy made music for our, he made a song for us, but he's deaf.
Oh, no, no.
He's not deaf.
He's blind.
Never mind.
Sorry.
That's a different thing.
Yeah.
That's the, yeah.
That's the other one.
I almost, that's embarrassing.
That was going to be a nice call out, and then I just ruined it.
Because he was like, he wanted to do soundtrack stuff.
And he's like, can you explain everything that happens in the video?
Anyway, it's fantastic.
Yeah.
Well, give me a chance.
Okay.
Different things.
Well, thanks for listening today, guys.
I don't know if you really tune into things anymore, but.
Tuned in.
How was your week, Ethan?
Great.
You guys, we act like we're like buddies and we hang out all the time.
This is the first time I've talked to Ethan all week.
I only see Kyle when he has to be on this microphone.
That's when he's here.
We're like working on different things all the time.
You too?
No, so I'm saying we're working on different things.
That's what we do.
You do cartoons?
We don't waste our time.
Is it offensive if I call your stuff cartoons?
Okay.
There's animation.
Is that what you want to?
Okay.
Okay.
Animated works of art, perhaps.
The big thing that happened this week for me was we have this old table we've had for a while.
It's a giant piece of hard, heavy glass.
It used to be my wife's kitchen table.
It got moved into the playroom.
And it is a little, I'm kind of thankful that it broke.
It like shattered into a gazillion pieces.
And it had like, it was covered in Legos.
So there's just this like, I'll give you the picture, but there's just this pile of broken glass and tons of Legos in the middle of our playroom floor.
And you'd rather step on the glass than the Legos, probably.
Yeah.
But it was funny because when I posted it on Facebook, all the guys are saying, oh yeah, that's just, that's a loss.
Like a lot of them are jokingly saying, like, burn the house down, move somewhere else.
That's over.
But also, they're saying, oh, yeah, that's, I mean, obviously what you do is sweep all that up and just go buy some new Legos.
Yeah.
My wife's much too frugal for that.
So Legos are freaking expensive, man.
So we picked out every single Lego.
Yeah.
I would do that too.
One at a time.
So yeah, you're on that team.
But I would have happily swept it all.
We'll go buy some more Legos.
Half of them the kids don't use.
They're all some different pit kits.
They're really specific.
Because you build the set for the kids and then they immediately just tear it apart.
Yeah, Calvin doesn't understand that if you build a Lego monster truck, it's not actually as durable as a real monster truck.
Like a real live one.
So he's trying to, yeah.
So yeah, that was eventful.
But I'm thankful the thing didn't fall on one of the kids.
So was a kid sitting on it or like, how did it pass?
I think that, so it sits on top of the legs, but it kind of can slide.
And I think that over time, nobody had noticed that it just kept sliding and sliding.
And it just, Eliza was leaning into it and it just fell over finally.
Leaning tower of Legos.
So, yeah, it makes you realize how dangerous that thing was.
Wow.
Bad father.
Yeah.
That's I agree.
How's your week?
Bad father.
Good.
Week is good.
I think.
Cool.
People ask me how my week was or my weekend, and I'm like, I don't even remember that process.
I don't know.
Unless something really big happens, like your table shatters.
I remember that.
Yeah.
But other than that.
I don't even know what's going on in the news this week.
I know.
It's just the same old.
It's funny because we wrote a bunch of articles about coronavirus and riots last year.
And we had come to the point where we were doing all current event jokes for the most part.
And I go, man, this sucks because we usually repost our articles a year later.
I'm like, next year we're not going to be able to repost all these coronavirus or the looting jokes because that's just happening.
I'm like, oh, great.
We get to repost them.
There's still lockdowns and they're still looting.
So I'm thankful for that kind of.
We're very grateful for the looters.
Hey, we want to mention that next Tuesday we have an interview with comedian John Brandion, who was hilarious.
One of the best guests we've ever had.
Yeah, Kyle wasn't there.
I wasn't there, so I don't know how it went, but I assume it was good.
We interviewed him back when my leg was at its worst.
I had horrible blood clot in my leg, so I had to sit on that side of my leg raised.
Dan filled in for Kyle.
It was definitely a different experience.
How'd Dan do?
He did great.
Did he?
He was great.
It's Dan.
Scale one to 10.
You want to give him a.
I can't remember.
You can't remember.
Yeah, you were on Panekillers and stuff.
Yeah, I was.
It really is a blur.
I was on like heavy plane killers, like any, like taking the exact amount they said I could legally take without dying.
And so yeah, it's all a blur, but I remember pretty good.
We talked a lot about comedy, jokes, how, you know, using them as a weapon.
Laughing.
Laughter.
Funniness.
Yeah.
And humor.
Philosophicizing about humor.
Yeah.
All right.
Cool.
Watch it.
Tuesday.
Tuesday.
Check it out.
Yeah.
This tells me to push merch.
Push merch.
Hey, buy merch and subscribe to the bee.
Subscribe to the bee.
Oh, we recorded some funny little commercials.
Hopefully they're funny anyway.
You can't call your own stuff funny.
We recorded some commercials that hopefully you'll find funny.
They're cute.
Check them out.
We'll play them for you.
Hi, my name is Kyle Mann, and I'm the editor-in-chief of The Babylon Bee.
There's been some confusion over the past few years as to whether we are satire or fake news.
Snopes, the fact-checking website, seems to think we deliberately trick people, and I'm here to set the record straight.
We are fake news, and Snopes never gets anything wrong.
So don't ever subscribe to The Babylon Bee.
That would be irresponsible.
All right, we got it.
Oh, please, Mr. Snopes, please let me go.
I have a wife and kids.
I don't deserve this.
Whatever.
Please don't subscribe to the title on a beat.
And go to the store and buy all our...
We've got shirts and mugs and prints.
We got the AR-15 print.
Yes.
I wanted to mention specifically the podcast shirt that we have.
Yeah, do you guys have a shot?
You're a fan of the podcast shirt.
Just I flower bet.
I was going to wear it and I forgot.
I flower betting.
Just photoshop.
Can we green screen it?
I flower betting love the Babylon Bee.
Yeah.
So inside joke.
Inside joke.
So whenever you wear, you have to explain it to everybody.
Oh, so there's this podcast.
Yeah.
Well, you got to back up.
You go, so there's a satire site called the Babylon B and they launched a podcast.
And there's a Christian site so they don't cuss.
And then they put, so you can do that every time you check out it.
Yeah.
Stater Brothers.
If you're not in Sunny Coffee Form, you know what Stater Brothers is.
Hey, we have subscriber dares today.
This is subscriber day.
We want to wish a happy birthday to Kristen Bolger.
Because she's asked us to and we'll subscribe if we do.
Yeah.
No relation to Fatty Bulger, Lord of the Rings.
I thought that was like an old mobster or something.
It does sound like an older Tracy character.
And she listens to us while running.
Wow.
I should do that.
Yeah.
And her birthday is on the 17th, April.
Oh, so that'll be like the day after this comes out.
Yeah.
Cool.
Cool.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, Kristen.
I hope you're running really fast right now.
Yeah, run fast.
Got to go fast.
Yeah, don't run too fast.
Wait, so she's probably listening to this while she's running.
So this one we'll have to do, I guess, in the weird news section.
Do you want me to just do it?
If Kyle will read a Guinness record or a stuff that's good in his Kermit the Frog voice.
Well, don't I do that anyway?
Isn't it just naturally a Kermit the Frog voice?
You have a better Kermit the Frog voice than I do, so why would they want that?
But whatever.
I'm a diehard Muppets fan.
I grew up loving the Muppets.
So people demand it.
So Olivia Awesome, apparently her last name is actually awesome, according to this.
Really?
I don't know if she made that up.
Okay.
A-W-S-U-M-B.
Oh, that's the U-M-B?
Awesome.
Awesome.
It's like awesome with.
And she says it is pronounced awesome.
So it's like awesome but dumb?
It's like awesome mixed with dumb.
You don't pick your last name.
My last name's a girl name.
Yeah, sad.
So once we get to a Guinness record, I'll do it in a Kermit the Frog voice.
Okay.
Aren't we doing stuff that's good?
Oh, it says stuff that's good or Guinness record.
What are you going to talk about?
Yeah, do that.
A delicious beverage.
Let's do some stuff that's good.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
All right.
So I can.
I like this drink.
It's called hop tea.
It's like.
Excuse me, but Kermit the Frog talks nothing like that.
Do it again.
I got to hear it.
It's too nasally.
It's too nasally.
No.
You sound like an alien.
See, I can't do Kermit the Frog.
Yeah.
Well, anyway, this is my hop tea.
You like that?
It's Ethan's worst nightmare.
It is.
It's all the worst things that could be in a beer taken out and put in a drink and all the good stuff gone.
It tastes like an IPA, but it doesn't have any alcohol in it.
And it's got no calories or sugar.
So it's all the good stuff of beer taken out and just.
So it's just really bitter.
It's like, well, sometimes...
I'm sorry.
Sometimes I want to go and mow the lawn and, you know, it's like 10 a.m. on a Saturday.
i'm just doing like jordan peterson now you mow the lawn and you want to drink something that tastes like yeah but you don't want to get all Yeah, like the lawn.
Exactly.
Yeah, it tastes like juice, juiced grass.
If you're raking up pine leaves, pine needles, and you don't want to, and you want to taste them.
Okay.
I like it a lot.
Cool.
Yeah.
What do you?
Sounds horrible.
Yeah.
I saw this documentary and actually got sent a copy and they sent me some cigars.
So, you know, I'm always begging people to send me stuff.
It's called Hand Rolled.
It's about cigars.
Sounds horrible.
It's a great documentary about everything from, you know, the origin and all the stuff that goes on in the countries where they're made, why the culture around cigars, what this culture on cigars is like, the whole process of making them, and the effect that the cigar industry has on the countries where they're at, like the areas where cigars are made or like the, you know, they provide school and housing and all this stuff.
Anyway, I think it'd be a great thing to do if you are the wife of a man who smokes cigars and he loves his cigars.
You should watch this movie and he'd be like, wow, thank you for understanding.
Yes, sir.
Anything that's I don't care so much, but it's good.
It was cool.
It was really well done.
And sounds terrible.
Recommend it.
Sounds awful.
If you're interested in that, you know, going deep on your understanding of that cigar.
Sounds like the worst thing ever.
How dare you?
Let's do some weird news.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
It's delicious opting.
I always hate.
I'm going to have to do that.
Every time.
Groom's mom discovers bride is her long-lost daughter on wedding day.
Wait, I need to work through this.
The woman's groom?
Groom's mom.
So the woman's son is getting married to, and she finds out it's a brother and sister getting married.
Wait, oh, that's not good.
But it sounds like a plot point in a movie.
Like she, they're like, I don't know if it's like on the wedding day, she noticed a birthmark on her hand.
She's like, that looks like my long-lost daughter's birthmark.
And then the parents revealed they had found a baby girl by the roadside and brought her up as their own daughter.
That's the daughter they left by the road on accident.
And the wedding went on.
But there's a great twist because the boy, the son, was adopted.
So they could stay.
They're in the clear.
Yeah.
That's like the twist in the middle.
I mean, yeah.
I wonder if anybody's got the film rights.
Wow.
So, yeah, this was in China.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, cool.
Crazy.
Two men arrested in India for using monkeys to steal cash from unsuspecting victims.
Okay, so I was trying to understand this.
Two men were arrested over the weekend after a man complained to officers that three men carrying monkeys had surrounded and robbed him of 6,000 rupees or $80.
He says when the victim was sitting in an auto rickshaw, which is like kind of like a small car mixed a bike, the man entered the vehicle and asked one monkey to sit on the front seat and another at the back.
You monkey, front seat.
You monkey, back seat.
I don't understand.
And then he just says, they took the money that he had in his wallet and fled with the monkeys.
So I don't, the monkeys didn't seem really involved in this stealing.
He just had them sit in the seats.
They were like comfort monkeys or emotional support monkeys.
They just came along.
They're just, I'm a normal thief, just like any other thief.
I just happen to have monkeys.
There's nothing weird about it.
They're going to sit in the front seat, back seat, and let's just get on with the robbery like normal.
Let's not make a big deal about the monkeys.
I don't want them to end up in monkey jail.
And then, of course, they do go to monkey jail.
I just want to be a regular criminal.
Everybody else.
I don't want my monkeys to define me.
But I just don't function well without monkeys.
You got to have the monkeys.
Yeah.
They're like a monkey on my back.
The monkey.
Yeah.
I never got that saying.
Is that a real thing where someone's got a monkey on their back?
I don't know, I don't know the etymology of that.
I'm like, man.
Because usually it's a real thing.
We'll have to look that up.
Somebody in the hey, comments.
Tell us about the, where did the monkey on the back saying come from?
Pull that up, Jamie.
Monkey on the back.
All right.
Okay.
The monkeys did go to a monkey prison or animal rescue center.
Oh, stories of Sinbad.
Oh, Sinbad.
Not the comedian, the pirate.
Not the comedian.
Applied to a drug addiction, particularly heroin.
Yeah, we know, yeah, it's a drug addiction, but I'm trying to were there people that were actually addicted to having monkeys on their back at one point.
I don't think so.
I need it.
I need that little macaque.
Macaque in my back.
All right, sorry, let's get off the monkeys.
Sorry.
Police bust mattress factory using discarded masks instead of cotton to fill their mattresses.
That's so gross.
This happened in India, which I probably would have guessed.
Were monkeys involved?
So, yeah, that would have been one of my top five guesses.
Busted a factory making mattresses using discarded masks instead of cotton.
Are they made of cotton?
Are they made of cotton instead of cotton?
It's innovative.
They're shoving old used masks.
Dude, it's recycling, man.
It is recycling.
It's repurposing.
Yeah.
Maybe they're washed.
If they're washed, that's fine, right?
Maybe.
Well, gross, though.
The police raided the factory and seized piles of discarded face masks.
Hopefully, they had gloves on.
And also found a mattress being stuffed with used masks.
Wow.
This could be a new MyPillow thing.
Special MyPillow.
I don't know what the pitch is there, but My Germs.
Cat rescued after 18 days, stuck in Arkansas tree.
Jeez.
So it sounds like these people were just trying to get their cat sparkles out of this tree.
And everybody kept being like, it'll come down.
Don't worry about it.
So they tried like all these organizations, you know, firefighters, police, everybody.
Finally, after like 18 days, this group called Angels for Animals arrived and they contacted a tree trimmer who's in town for a job.
And he got the cat down.
Good job, tree trimmer.
Maybe the cat didn't want to come down.
I don't know what it was doing up there.
I thought that was going to end differently when you said tree trimmer.
Like he's just going to come and burn.
I got him down.
Hey, while you're up there, can you throw that cat down here?
Co-founder of BLM just bought a $1.4 million LA compound in a rich, largely white neighborhood.
I read that the neighborhood had a black population of like 1%.
Wow.
Is this the one like, you know, like, because Black Lives Matter used to have on their site all this stuff about super Marxist dismantle the nuclear family?
Yeah.
Is this the same person?
It's the same organization.
Yeah.
Yeah, but founder.
Yeah.
So she's all.
She's one of the founders, yeah.
And this is the thing I thought was crazy here.
It's like, oh, wow, it's really paying off her.
But no, this is like her fourth property.
That's what I read somewhere on here.
Yeah, she's invested in like four pretty nice homes across the country.
And so, you know, she's looking for a place in the Bahamas now.
So that's cool.
Well, it's working out.
How's Bernie Sanders feeling about this?
Yeah, so one house is too one house is too many.
What he's got.
Oh, there it's the last line.
It's her fourth home, and she's looking at a place to be.
It's perfectly normal to have three houses.
Yeah.
But as soon as you have four houses, push it.
David Hogg drops pillow venture.
He launched during Spat with Mike Lindell.
Man, that was fast.
He just dropped it.
Shocking, absolutely.
If you'd follow the David Hogg pillow adventure, then it's a blast.
It's pretty like, it's in its own little world.
If you weren't on Twitter during this time, you don't really know much about it.
But when he was this kid that got into Harvard because he was out of school shooting or something, and he's trying to launch this pillow company on Twitter, and he's like, phone Mike Lindell.
And he's basically using his Twitter as a Google search.
So he's like, does anybody know where to build pillow factories?
Yeah.
What is pillow made of?
He's just like typing all this stuff into this huge Twitter thread.
And it's so beautiful.
What's a better pillow than the My Pillow?
How can I make that?
Since I've committed to making a pillow now.
And they hired like a diversity board.
And that's the first thing you do when you start a business.
It really wouldn't matter.
It seems like on his philosophy, if the pillow is comfortable, the comfort would come from your feelings that you were doing a good thing by laying on this scrap of, you know, things stuffed full of used face masks or whatever it is.
And you're just like, ah, the activists, everything's getting funded.
It's good.
You can sleep easy at night.
The founder of BLM got a bunch of money for Bahamas House.
It's good.
Yeah.
It's your turn.
I don't know.
I think so.
So this is maybe my favorite story, even though we've had a few good ones.
Stakeham takes out Neil deGrasse Tyson at the knees.
Do I have to read that?
That's a not the bee headline.
Yeah, that reads like a not the bee headline.
Yeah.
So Stakeham is a company that does steak, little like sliced steaks that you put on Philly cheese steaks.
It's like packaged steaks at the grocery store.
Right.
And just randomly out of the blue, they like quote, tweeted, replied to a Neil deGrasse Tyson tweet where he said, like science is true or something.
Yeah.
And they start like doing this nuanced argument about epistemologies.
So now there's a steak brand arguing with Neil deGrasse Tyson on Twitter?
Yeah.
So he goes, he says, well, they say, like, first they said like LOL, like log off, bro, or something like that.
He goes, the good thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe in it, which is a dumb thing to say about science because that's not what science is.
So they reply.
So they quote tweet him and say, log off, bro.
It's the official account with the blue check and everything.
Log off, bro.
And then Stakeham goes, The irony of Neil's tweet is that by framing science itself as true, he's influencing people to be more skeptical of it in a time of unprecedented misinformation.
Science is an ever-refining process to find truth, not a dogma.
No matter his intent, this message isn't helpful.
Science itself isn't true.
It's a constantly refining process used to uncover truths based in material reality.
And that process is still full of mistakes.
Neil just posts ridiculous sound bites like this about mistakes with the steak.
It's good.
Neil just posts ridiculous sound bites like this for clout.
He has no respect for epistemology.
It does feel as if Dan Coates took over Stakeham.
It's just a side gig.
Yeah, I want to, everybody should follow Stakeham's now.
I agree with this corporate brand account for once.
I'm going to go buy Stakeham.
I'm just reading it now.
Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Because he just got going and going.
By a steak.
By thin sliced steak products.
Oh, and Stakehams has replied to him in the past.
Yeah, I guess they do this.
Like they go and argue with people on Twitter.
Well, no, like Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Right, right.
He goes, mind blown yet today?
How about the 13 letters of 11 plus 2 when rearranged also spells 12 plus 1?
Stake them.
Who cares?
Today's episode is brought to you by Steak'Em.
Stake 'em.
Yeah, if you'd like to be a epistemologically correct steak on the market, stake him just broke my iPad.
Hey, a Chicago car thief participated in a Zoom court hearing for stealing a car, and he did so from inside another car that he stole as the Zoom hearing was going on.
Police pulled up behind the BMW to investigate a report that it was stolen.
They walked out of the car and they realized that this guy was appearing in court via his phone for another stolen car.
I love it.
So the judge is like, this is a quote from the judge.
Are you telling me that when the police approached the defendant, he was in the middle of a Zoom court hearing?
And apparently the lawyer who was defending him tried to claim that his client, he tried to keep defending him, tried to claim his client had no idea he was sitting in yet another stolen car.
You're Hannah.
The guy's confused.
Yeah.
He didn't know.
It's a white.
I don't know.
What's a really common car?
Have you ever sat in the room?
Have you ever opened the door of a car that wasn't yours?
Yes, I have.
I got in a carring at the gas station.
Dude, I my gas station.
So we had a Nissan Versa.
We parked.
You didn't understand Target or something, but gas station.
Let's check this out.
Nissan Versa.
We park at the pump and I leave me my family in the car.
I walk in and I pay and I walk out and I get in another car that's being fueled up and there's a whole different family.
And I'm like, oh, sorry.
Just trade families.
Yeah.
It's a reality show.
So I'm saying the lawyer could have been correct here.
Yeah.
Legit defense.
It's possible.
I've just done where you sit inside and suddenly like, that's not my air freshener.
Yeah.
Those aren't my pants.
There's all this stuff in there.
These aren't my children.
Guess what?
That was mine.
That was yours.
You win on that one.
I wasn't trying to beat you.
Yeah.
And so everything's accomplished.
Everything's very competitive.
The Pentagon has developed a microchip that goes under your skin and can detect COVID-19 before symptoms arise.
There's also a filter that extracts the virus from your body, but don't worry at all because this is all fine.
It's good.
So personally, I'm going to stop listening to the experts and the scientists.
I'm going to tune into the fringe crazy.
I'm going to start listening to stakeholders.
I'm going to listen to conspiracy theorists now.
They got to be just sitting there like.
Told you.
I mean, I can't.
I mean, Ryan's told me.
This is like one thing after another lately.
I was like, I don't even know what to say.
Vaccine passports, that's a myth, a conspiracy theory.
And then a couple months later, yeah, they're right.
So yeah, they said it's like a check engine light for our bodies.
Does it pop up on your eye like your vision?
You need an update?
Can they patch it?
Can they send you an update through?
And what else can they find out?
What you're thinking?
Yeah, I'm going to just listen to Alex Jones from now on.
He's been, yeah, his batting record's going up.
As soon as we find out that they turned the frogs gay, he'll be batting a thousand.
Yeah.
I'm sure they're gay now.
An Idaho, an Idaho, oh man.
An Idaho man stacked 34 bars of wet soap for a Guinness World Record.
They were wet, though.
Yeah.
It's hard to even hold on to a bar of wet soap, let alone stack 34 of them.
Get this, guys.
This is crazy.
David Rush said he had to grow at his fingernails so he could get a secure enough grip to take on the record for most bars of wet soap stacked in one minute.
You're like, dude, your fingernails are nasty.
He's like, I got to stack wet soap for Guinness.
It's the thing I'm doing.
Dude, he had previously set the record at 30 bars of soap, but it was taken by someone who stacked 32 bars, and he recaptured his title with 34 bars of soap.
Wow, this is so cool and weird.
So long he could stab through all the bars like shish kebab.
I'm just, do you think he smashed them until they got stuck?
I don't know.
I'm curious.
I recognize that name, David.
I think that he's done other records we've read.
I think this guy just does lots of records.
That's highly likely.
It sounds familiar.
David Rush.
I just removed it on accident.
David Rush.
David Rush.
Yeah, yeah.
He's the guy who does.
He promotes STEM education.
That's right.
STEM education.
That's the guy.
He got world's fastest juggler.
Dude, he's got a whole website.
He's so proud of his slippery stack.
Oh, yeah.
Look at that.
Okay.
Slippery pick.
My slippery stick.
My slippery stack.
I don't know.
Fastest frisbee relay team he got.
Wow.
Good job.
Catching caramel corn.
Did we read that?
We might have read that.
He just needs to make his own book.
Passing a giant ball record.
He has found his meaning.
And STEM research thanks him.
He caught 215 dice in 30 seconds while blindfolded.
Oh, we've missed a lot.
This is the guy whose wife helped him put on shirts.
Remember?
Oh, yeah, shirts got.
Put on 50 shirts in one minute.
Kyle hates David Rush.
This is the worst day ever.
Let's move on.
We're moving on.
The news has been weird this week.
It has been, as it often is.
Well, guys, we're going to move on to it.
We're funny on this podcast sometimes, hopefully, but we're going to move on to a serious topic: secret racism.
Yes.
Secret.
Right now, you listening to this podcast may be thinking, I don't judge people based on the color of their skin.
I don't have any prejudices.
You are a prime candidate for being a secret racist.
And it's something we need to raise awareness about.
It's time to blow the lid off this racism.
Yeah.
And really.
Make it public.
Yeah.
Secret racism is at least three times worse, three times as bad as regular racism.
Outward open racism.
Yeah.
It's below the surface, simmering like a stew in a crock pot.
But you need to check yourself and educate yourself and do better.
So check out these 10 signs of secret racism and see if you match up with any of them.
Okay.
You ready?
So it's just like racists do this.
If they do this, then if you do it.
This is a sign of being a secret racist.
Okay.
Number one, you breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide.
Okay.
Do you know who else did that?
Do you know?
Yeah, I know a lot of people.
But you can be specific.
Adolf Hitler.
Okay.
Do we know that?
Also, Donald Trump.
Are you questioning my epistemology?
What are you, stickums?
Also, you might, if you have feet.
Oh, so all the people that feet are off the hook.
That don't have feet?
Well, if you do not feed and breathe.
Right.
But yeah, 99.9% of racists all have this in common.
So there might be some footless, stumpy racists that are stumping around.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
Okay, number three.
If you say, I am not a racist.
Right.
The most racist thing you can say is, I am not racist.
Yeah.
The most non-racist thing you can say is, I'm racist.
It's true.
Yeah, if you say I'm not a racist, that's exactly what a racist would say.
Right.
But so I, yeah, because so if you're the best thing you can do is say, I am racist, but way less racist than everyone else.
I'm racist, but at least I admit it.
Yeah, but like as far as percentage of racism, I'm the tiniest sliver of racist.
Because you have awoken to the fact that you are racist.
Right.
Yeah.
Number four, you judge people not by the color of their skin, but the content of their character.
It's disgusting.
Yeah, you're far right.
A lot of far-right people shared that view.
Yeah, throughout history.
Where that comes from, it's really.
Yeah.
Yeah, it might have been Hitler that came up with that.
I don't remember.
Number five, you like vanilla ice cream.
Seriously?
Who likes vanilla ice cream?
Racist?
Yeah, vanilla does seem like the meh.
I guess I'll have vanilla.
Or it's like always side for something.
I just find it weird when someone orders vanilla ice cream.
Like, I understand getting it on a slice of pie or something.
Yeah, it's always whisper beer float.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But just eating a bowl of vanilla ice cream, that's like a weird thing.
Yeah.
That's something like my wife would do.
Like she'd get like calorie-free vanilla ice cream.
Do you understand what desserts are?
Like why we eat them?
Miserably eating dessert.
This went off the rails.
White water.
This went off the rails.
Sorry, go ahead.
Oh, is it my turn?
I don't know.
Number six, you've never accosted a random black man on the street to shine his shoes.
What?
If you've never done that.
I've never done that, no.
I mean, I'm not saying you're a secret racist, but.
Is this a real thing someone's done?
This was the Chick-fil-A guy told us to do this.
Oh, yeah.
The Chick-fil-A CEO told us to do this.
Oh, yeah.
Well, yeah.
He was on the street, but yeah, he did accost the man on stage.
Well, I think he was saying this as an example.
This is what we have to do.
Yeah, you got to shine these shoes.
Weird.
Excuse me, sir.
Do people even wear shinable shoes?
I feel like the shoes that...
Shine my van slip-ons, please.
I don't know how that works.
Shine my flip-flops.
Number seven, if you believe that two plus two equals four, you might be a secret racist.
A belief in objectivity, critical thinking, controversial far-right ideas like the two plus two equals four is telltale sign.
Telltale.
It tells the tale.
The tale is told.
The tale has been told.
That's right.
Nobody lives happily ever after in that tale.
No.
No, they don't.
Number eight, you smile pleasantly and say hello to people of color.
You even say people of color now?
BIPOC is the new one.
To people of BIPOC.
No, you just...
That sounds like a rap group.
This may look friendly and not racist on the surface, but what's actually happening here is that you're presuming to enter black and brown genderqueer spaces without first dismantling your own inward supremacy.
This feels like all things you actually can say, okay, like if you're like a race studies person in a college, but if you say this, like us saying it, it's like super racist.
We're just trying to get canceled right now.
Number nine, if you don't capitalize bold, capitalize, bold, and underline the word black every time you say it.
I think we need to take it a step further and also italicize.
Are you calling me out right now?
Hey, I really appreciate you calling me out on that, man.
Yeah.
And we're all trying to do better.
Yeah.
Capitalize, italicize, bold, and add at least four exclamation points.
Yes.
And the word white must be written in Comic Sans.
Right.
The word white.
All lowercase common sands.
Preferably in like a baby blue color or something.
Yes.
Okay.
Finally, last sign of telltale.
You exist.
That's also telltale.
Well, we've all got work to do.
Yeah.
Looks like you got some thinking to do, buddy.
All right.
Glad we saw, you know, solved it.
No longer secret.
It's out in the open now.
Yes.
So the things of the shadows will be revealed.
Now are we going to go on to the most bizarre companies that have gone woke?
Yep.
Let's do that.
So there's some companies that go woke.
I don't even know what that means, really, but they start posting about like social justice issues and culture war stuff from a leftist perspective, I guess, that going woke.
And sometimes it makes sense.
You know, it's like that company's kind of in that space where you'd expect that.
Like, what's an example of that?
Other than that, comes to mind.
Yeah, I can't think of anything.
Well, okay, like organic, oh, hop tea might make sense.
You know, something some hipster would have.
And whether they're like, oh, organic hop.
Okay, like kombucha.
We don't kill any locally sourced kombucha place from Portland.
I would be like, oh, they're probably okay.
Yeah.
Or like tofu and we make sure no field mice are killed in the process.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah, I get it.
You know, but not like.
So what's some examples of ones that don't make sense when they go woke?
Well, pretty much anytime Ben and Jerry's their ice cream.
So they called to dismantle the police.
So Ben and Jerry's posted the system can't be reformed.
It must be dismantled.
And a real system of public safety rebuilt from the ground up.
Hashtag defund the police.
Thanks, ice cream brand.
Appreciate your opinion.
And Oreo's done a ton.
For that.
What was my favorite?
Was the Oreo one?
Trans people exist.
Was that it?
It's like the meme, like, no one, absolutely no one.
Cookie brand.
Trans people exist.
Like, whoever came up with that was feeling so good about themselves tweeting this from the Oreo.
How do we get more people to eat cookies?
I've got it.
Yeah, no, no.
You see the commercials.
We'll do that at the cigar shop.
We watch them look on the TV and all of a sudden like a super this like whole narrative's playing out.
Like a, there's like a black guy, and then like this family and all these people of different races come together and like it's super emotional and the dad's hugging and crying because like his gay son, like what's it gonna be, who's gonna be?
And like it's like State FARM could not have guessed.
It's almost like they just record a stock commercial and then they sell it to any company and just probably any local company that does that, just does, it just records their social justice things.
We should try to do that.
We should make one and try to get a company to buy it.
Yeah so boy, eat fresh.
Um, so this one's near and dear to my heart.
Okay, Wizards OF THE Coast Publishing Dungeons AND Dragons.
Wizards OF THE Coast that sounds like a like some kind of wizard surfing group to guys with pointy hats and beards.
Hang ten.
Sorry.
Go ahead.
I don't know what to say.
Yeah, Wizards of the Coast public, not the surfing group, but the board game and RPG publishing company owned by Hasbro has recently gone into the woke thing.
A lot of nerdery stuff has done, like comics and video games and such.
I don't know.
So one of the things that they did recently was to eliminate alignment blocks for in the statments in the stat blocks for monsters.
Can you believe that?
I don't know what that means at all.
Is that incredible?
Alignment of stat blocks.
So basically, anytime there was a monster in the monsters guide, it would say like evil or good or whatever.
So you would know at a glance, if this creature appears and you're running the game, you can go, oh, he's bad.
He's a bad guy.
They took those out because they didn't want people to.
So the logic on this is actually really racist because the liberals are like, orcs.
Orcs are based on black people.
Like they make this connection that the race of like orcs and goblins is based on racist stereotypes of black people.
Okay.
But they're the only ones making that connection.
And then they go, well, we can't call orcs evil because that's offensive to black people.
And then you're like, oh, no, you can't like, don't do that.
That's much more racist.
Is there any bad guys now in DD?
Well, basically, no, in these new adventures, if you look at the NPC blocks and the stat blocks for the monsters, it just says, they're whatever you want.
Okay.
Just this like giant wolf with mutant heads about.
It's a different thing of their character.
Yeah.
So DD released a statement throughout the 50-year history of DD.
Some of the peoples in the game, like orcs, have been characterized as monstrous and evil, using descriptions that are painfully reminiscent of how real world ethnic groups have been.
Have been and continue to be denigrated.
So they're making this connection that no, like nobody's playing the game going, oh, yeah, I want to kill some orcs because they're like black people.
They have made these.
Well, there's probably somebody.
Yeah.
Just like one guy.
Maybe.
He has no face.
Anyway, I could go on and rant about it for a long time.
Yeah.
I could.
Yeah.
Well, Burger King created meals with emotions to raise awareness about mental illness.
Meals with emotions?
Oh, it was a response to the happy meals.
They came like, well, what about people that aren't?
What about depressed meals?
Cranky meal.
Yeah.
I gotta find, now I gotta find a way.
I would order a cranky meal.
Hungry?
I'm honest.
Just hungry, man.
Triggered meal.
So Burger King created real meals for more complicated emotions.
I can't even think of what those, what are they?
Yeah.
Porpoises.
Meal?
What?
There's a porpoises.
I don't know this show.
Salty meal.
That's real?
Yeah.
So they put a bunch of salt all over it?
DGAF meal.
I have no idea what DGAF transforms.
Don't go assaulting fries.
Don't give a F.
I knew what it meant.
Did you not know?
I didn't know.
I figured it out.
I was making a joke.
So McDonald's flipped its arches upside down as a statement to honor women because men.
It's a W. Women.
Yeah.
I love that.
All of these.
I love picturing the ad guy who's pitching this.
He's like staring at the arches.
Oh, I got it.
Like, there's only one problem.
We're now called McDonald's.
It feels like one of those things, like, where'd the puddle on the ground that's reflecting the M and he's looking down at it and he goes, I've got it.
It's like in Trolls 2 when he saw either in the town of Nilbog and then he sees it in the rearview mirror.
He's like, Nilbog is goblin spelled backwards.
Red rum is, yeah.
It takes him like 30 minutes into the movie to figure it out.
Salesforce bans some gun retailers from using their software.
I don't know what Salesforce is.
Salesforce?
Some kind of software.
It's a software that gun retailers can't use anymore.
Only certain gun retailers.
Yeah.
Microsoft's AI will now suggest gender inclusive language.
I think this was like in the autocorrect and the and all the stuff in their word processing programs.
So you try to you try to like write he and the autocorrects to it or something.
Yeah.
Zer.
Zer.
Twitter bans pronouns that refer to trans people's biological sex.
Oh, well, this we know this one.
If you can't refer, you can't, like, dead name or no net name.
Yeah.
This one seems real.
Yeah, electronic arts video game.
This is, I think this was Battlefield 5, if I remember right.
Features disabled women fighting in World War II.
It's actually really like in a wheelchair?
Oh, there's like 50%.
Oh, she's got a prosthetic arm.
Oh, okay.
Wouldn't that be after the war?
Can you even get in if you got a missing arm?
Like, you try to sign up?
They're like, you're missing an arm.
Like, you can't even get in if you have light asthma.
Missing limbs.
Sign me up.
We need more obese soldiers in video games.
I think it was, it might have been the same game, but you could really customize your characters.
And they made a big deal about it where you could be like a black woman, but you're like a Nazi, which is like you could be a black woman Nazi and black.
Look at all this inclusion.
We have a black woman soldier.
And you're like, well, she's a Nazi.
Did you see Dove made all these different bottles that are supposed to be different women's body types?
There's like a squat fat lady one and then a tall skinny, and there's all the different ones, but it's like.
Did they really make that?
Do you want like if you're a skinny lady, you still want to get the fat one, right?
If it's the same price.
But if you're the fat lady, you probably want to get the skinny one and kind of be like, goal.
It's my goal.
That's my goal.
Goal soap.
Yeah.
Well, good job.
The world is healing.
Yeah.
Well, I don't know if we got any more.
Don't want people to have to watch us read them.
So, yeah, be less white.
Yes.
Hate mail.
I really miss Adam Ford.
All right.
In this edition of Hate Mail, we have Seth Responds, which is our favorite response.
Seth, our beloved CEO of the Babylon B, responds to hate mail often.
And he's not.
I'm trying to think of how to describe Seth replying to hate mails.
He's like a...
Like stake-em.
He's like the stake-em of hate mail.
He DGAF.
He'd G-A-F.
He'd DF.
So this is a.
I'll read the hate mail and you can read Seth's response.
Okay.
This is an email that came into us.
How does it feel to know that you all work for a company that is absolute and complete bullshoot?
Pathetic.
So then Seth's like, I imagine Seth's like kicked back on his lawn chair or whatever in front of this pool.
Feels like cash.
Because we're counting money all day.
Because this bullshoot is lucrative.
And he puts his sunglasses back on and drinks the giant umbrella drink.
And he goes, nailed it.
Nailed it.
And he calls over to his wife.
He's like, honey, come look at this response.
I totally own this guy.
Family gather around.
Look at my response to this hate mail.
We love you, Seth.
All right, let's move on to our subscriber exclusive segment.
I think we're going to try to actually show off all our trinkets today.
It's the trinket day.
So we're going to walk around and show you each of our lovingly rendezvous trinkets in our.
Yeah, we're going to explain our backdrop.
We have mailbag.
We have a bonus hate mail.
We have subscribers submitted headlines and cool stories, maybe.
If we can think of more.
Yeah.
So we'll have to find out in the subscriber portion.
Until next time, everyone, cheers.
And subscribe to the Babylon B. Please do.
Coming up next for Babylon Bee subscribers.
Buckle up, kids, because this is where things get really freaking wild.
And this is Axe Cop Axe.
So cool.
The perfect fireman axe.
Perfect axe you found at a scene of a fire.
We got the 12 rules for life printed on two stone tablets.
It's just not sacrilegious at all.
Wondering what they'll say next?
The rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
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Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dylan for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.