This is the Bee Weekly 3/19/21. Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's biggest stories like a man sitting in a pool of bean dip for a good cause, brave teacher's unions literally laying their lives down for the kids, and the entire world becoming national socialists. Ethan talks about losing his dad this week, the guys will do anything for money, and we get sent the best hate mail. Intro Kyle and Ethan talk about their weeks. Kyle has been sick as a dog and hasn't been in the office. Ethan talks about losing his dad this week. Announcement: The Lord of the Rings podcast will continue behind the paywall starting this Saturday Subscriber Dare From Mitchell Ferencevich: Read John 3:16-18 on Podcast in Hawaii Pidgin Bible on YouVersion Bible app. Shout out to his wife Melissa Ferencevich. She's the best wife and mother of 6 and goes by "Proverbs30gunwoman" on Fortnite. Weird News These Insane Videos Show What Happens When You Improperly Store A Truckload Of Fireworks In Your House, A Lesson Just Learned By One SoCal Homeowner Florida School Principal, Daughter Arrested For Allegedly Hacking Student Accounts To Cast Homecoming Votes Did The Hill Publish A Fake Video Of Biden? Marvel Is Rolling Out A Gay Captain America Man Sits In Bean Dip For 24 Hours To Promote California Restaurant Columbia U. Will Have 6 Separate Graduations Segregated By Race, Income, Sexuality, and Ethnicity. Seriously. Here It Is: Possibly One Of The Worst Tweet Of All Time. Website Hiring 'Minecraft' Gardening Consultants For Virtual Landscaping Cat Trapped In Tree For Over A Week Rescued, Given Spaghetti Baby Kangaroo Found After Night On The Loose In New York Loose Ram Chases Ontario Cyclist Down Rural Road Dog Driver Blamed For Crashing Owner's Jeep Into Wisconsin Building Look: Home-Invading Raccoon Found Sleeping In Dishwasher British Man Drinks Capri Sun In 16.65 Seconds To Set Guinness Record Man Catches 67 Pieces Of Caramel Corn In His Mouth For Guinness Record Is THIS like the Nazis?? Now watch The Cartoon! Teacher's Union Negotiations Check out the YouTube channel for more video content. Hate Mail Susan is happy she let her Babylon Bee subscription expire. Ultra-Exclusive Subscriber Lounge Subscriber Update Mail Bag (Not hate mail) We were probably mean to Megan Markle. Or not. Bonus Hate Mail We believe this man has had a few to drink and doesn't like the pop-up ads. Subscriber Headlines of the Week Kyle's Christian Book Store stories
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon Bee.
Fake news you can trust.
Hello, everybody.
Welcome to the Babylon Bee Weekly.
I'm Kyle Mann, and this is my good friend and huggable teddy bear, Ethan Nicole.
That's me.
If you want a hug, you got to fly me out.
But yeah, yeah, welcome.
It's just another, we want to encourage you to subscribe to the Babylon Bee with your monthly donation.
And as part of that pledge, anytime you're in the area, you get a hug from Ethan Nicole.
Yeah.
This is not prostitution.
It's light.
Light prostitution.
Just light.
It's like everything is permissible, not beneficial.
I may have committed some light prostitution.
What is even happening?
I feel, this is strange for me to even be here because I've been curiously absent.
The last episode, I think, we recorded that on, no, maybe we recorded that on Tuesday.
With Seth and Joel.
But it was like a week ago, and I left that day.
Maybe it was the next day.
I think it was the next day when Joel was here.
And I left, and I was just feeling a little woozy.
I was feeling a little out of it.
And I went home and I knocked out for like three days.
You got the COVID?
At least you think you didn't test, but you got the COVID?
I didn't test.
My wife had had it, so it's possible.
But is it any different than if you just got sick like usually?
I guess not because I had a fever for about three hours and then I was just really tired for a few days.
And I just didn't eat.
It was great.
You know, I lost about 10 pounds.
So this is a benefit of COVID, really.
I need like 10 COVIDs.
It feels like this could be a weight loss program that we could sell people on.
Like if we just get little COVID samples and vials.
Covagenic diet.
Just take this pill or like lick this.
We could send people doorknobs with COVID on it.
Lick this doorknob and you'll lose 10 pounds in a week.
I don't know.
Maybe it would work.
And then Ethan, your car keeps crapping out on you every morning.
You're like, I'll be in.
Yeah, I've been Ubering a lot.
I'll be in soon.
I'm waiting on the car thing.
Yeah, and I feel like I have to mention this, even though this is a comedy show, but I want to pay honor to my dad passed this week.
And it's worth saying because I get, you know, you get a lot of, I've had, I mean, the outpouring on Twitter was amazing.
I think probably like a thousand people replied to me.
I think probably half of them didn't even know who I was.
So Twitter's not all bad.
Yeah.
But also just that as far as passing goes, I mean, it's like the ideal.
I mean, my dad, we knew he was going to, for the last probably five years almost, we knew he was degrading.
And so we've got, I've spent a lot of special time with him.
I got to go visit him and be as deathbed with him and a lot of special moments.
And also my dad, even though he couldn't talk, he could clearly understand what we were saying.
So we could actually have conversations with him or at least kind of say things to him that I know we really wanted to hear.
And, you know, everybody's going to die.
Everybody's dad's going to die.
So I'm actually, I'm in a lot of ways grateful because your dad's going to die.
So, I mean, as far as like how dads die, I'm blessed.
So, but, you know, I think the thing that hits you is like, he's gone now.
And that's the sad part.
The world doesn't happen now.
But yeah.
So, thank you to all the outpouring on online people.
I feel unworthy of it because I feel lucky as far as that situation.
It's sad that he died, but like I'm thankful that it, you know, as far as deaths go, lucked out.
Yeah.
Back to comedy.
Well, and as you look at someone that was only your dad, I didn't know you're dead, but I mean, just the mark he's made on the world through his sons.
And I mean, that's the axe cop.
The X Cup, dad.
He's got children from age 17 to 55, I think, 50-something.
Quite a spread.
Then you go to the conventions and stuff when you have the signings.
Proudest dad ever.
He'd always wear Axe Cop shirts, always tell people about it everywhere.
You know, just strangers on the street.
They would want to hear about it.
Like, oh, you heard of Axe Cop?
Yeah.
It's so great to have your parents be a fan of what you do.
Yeah.
I think my mom is the biggest Babylon Bee fan on the planet.
Yeah.
And, you know, we put up a book for pre-order and she's like, I'm going to be the first one.
And she'll be sitting there like refreshing the page until it goes on.
She'll pre-order five.
I'm like, mom, I can give you free books.
You don't need to order them, but she wants to support.
So that's just.
Yeah, you do that.
They buy all this merch off my site.
I'm like, I can get you to cost.
It's so expensive.
I'll just hand it to you.
It's no problem.
We want to make an announcement.
If you've been following along with our feed, our podcast feed, we had a Lord of the Rings podcast on there.
We had some discussions and we decided that based on the interest level, we were going to move it behind the paywall.
So it's only for subscribers now.
Freeloaders.
Sorry.
You're getting kicked off the bus.
But Dan and Kyle will be naked.
Anyway, the Lord of the Rings podcast will continue this Saturday, which should be tomorrow from the day this comes out.
And we will be continuing.
So look out for that.
I don't know exactly how that's going to go up, Dan, because I think it's kind of weird how it's subscriber only, but we'll figure it out.
We'll figure it out.
You guys can check that out.
So go to the website.
It'll definitely be on the website under the premium section if you're a subscriber.
Lord of the Rings podcast, we're reading through.
We're like close to halfway through Fellowship of the Ring.
It's been a lot of fun.
All right.
But speaking of subscribers, we're now going to try to dance like monkeys to get a subscriber through the subscriber dare.
Subscriber dare.
Hey, we got that new intro.
Do we have a subscriber dare?
We have a cool intro that Ian made.
We got our new guy Ian here.
So where?
Oh, he's not here right now.
Oh, he's not here right now.
Yeah, but he made it.
This is subscriber dare.
Ian is a cool guy, man.
Yeah.
Talented kid.
He's our youngest hire.
He's like in high school.
Can we say that?
Are we even allowed to say that?
He's still in high school.
Is that child labor?
Yeah.
Are we breaking a child labor law?
I mean, I was washing dishes at the age of the, you know, and he's animating for the Babylon B.
I was a Family Christian bookstore, working at Family Christian bookstores.
Privileged.
Yeah.
And we weren't covered in fish juice.
I don't know if I've ever told my Family Christian stores stories on here.
I need to tell my stories because there are absolutely insane.
Okay, so you think about Karens, like people who are known as Karens.
Christian Karens are the worst because they feel like they're entitled to stuff.
And they think that the Family Christian stores is like a church or a ministry.
So they're like, well, why aren't you giving me free stuff?
I just work here.
I don't know.
Yeah, it's like everything Christian.
I will talk about that sometime.
Maybe a subscriber portion in cool stories.
Okay, so speaking of getting subscribers, Mitchell Mitchell.
Mitchell Ferenchovich.
Ferencivich.
He wants to subscribe.
He says, I don't know what that first sentence means.
I don't know what he's saying.
He wants us to read John 3, 16 to 18 in the Hawaii Pigeon Bible.
Right.
Okay.
Do we have that pulled up here?
I have it right here.
Oh, there it is.
There it is.
Are you going to try or am I going to try?
It seems like it could be racist.
I'll read to like halfway through verse 17 and then you can finish.
Okay.
And we can both be called racists.
Okay.
I'll try my best not to do an accent, I think, is that it's going to be what's crossing the line.
What if you do like a hillbilly accent or like a Cajun guy?
I'm not going to try that.
God get plenty love and aloha for the people inside the world.
So you can't stop.
You can't not do the accent.
The accent's baked in.
God get plenty love and aloha for the people inside the world.
That's why he sent me his one and only boy.
Because of that.
So this is Jesus talking.
Yeah.
Because of that, everybody that trusts me know going to get cut off from God forever.
Is this worth it to get one subscriber and cancel?
They're going to get the real kind of life that's going to stay to the max forever.
You know, when God send me, his boy, inside the world, he never do that for punish the people.
I'm picking up.
He sent me for get the people out the bad kind stuff they let's say they do.
Whoever stay trusts me, God know going to punch them.
But whoever know trust me, God gonna punish them.
Because they never trust me.
God only boy.
I feel like it's like Boomhauer.
We need to do it as Boomhauer.
You're like sling blade.
All right, so we did it.
We did it, subscribers to subscribe.
And then he says he wants a shout out to his wife, Melissa.
Oh, look, he gave us the pronunciation.
Pronounced Ferencevich.
Ferencivich.
She's the best wife and mother of six.
And in case you wanted to know, her screen name is Proverbs 30 Gun Woman on Fortnite.
In case you wanted to play Fortnite.
Shout out, Melissa Ferencevich.
Is that like doxing her?
Now you can find her.
And we want to be.
Why is she a Proverbs 30 woman?
Aren't you supposed to be a Proverbs 31 woman?
It's Proverbs 30 Gun Woman.
31 30 Gun.
All right.
We have just earned another subscriber and yet another subscriber dam.
Easy.
This news is weird.
So in weird news this week, we're going to start out with one that is near and dear to our hearts.
And it's kind of sad, so I'm making fun of it.
Kind of.
Without doxing ourselves.
So apparently.
Did you guys hear the explosion?
I mean, are we giving away our location if we say we got to be careful, but our location is like in the New York Times.
That's true.
Because I said, please don't, when they did a feature on us, I said, please don't say the city where we are.
Yeah.
And they put it right in the picture and like, right here.
I'm like, here's the address.
I'm like, thanks a lot.
So if you ever want to know where we are, you can go find it on this.
So we were working on our animation over yesterday, and all of a sudden, it was not a warm day, but a sunny day, no clouds.
And all of a sudden, it sounded like thunder.
I look over at Ian.
I'm like, was that thunder?
And then I think Dan called somebody, called me.
Dan called, yeah.
And Dan called Patrick, and he's like, you guys okay?
And there's a, we look out the window, there's like a mushroom cloud.
So apparently some guy had a cache of like hundreds of commercial grade fireworks in his garage.
He had a truckload of fireworks in his house.
So he had big plans for 4th of July, I guess.
But so like his house completely exploded and like multiple houses around him, around it were wrecked.
Now, sadly, two people did die.
That's not funny.
It's not funny.
We were worried.
I mean, at the Babylon B, you hear an explosion and you think the drones have finally found us.
Or like maybe Antifa has finally started doing kamikaze or something.
And then just to see the smoke in these videos, it's insane.
Yeah, the pictures are crazy.
But yeah, so that was wild.
And as soon as I saw the video, I was like, yep, fireworks.
You can see him.
You can see them sparkling.
In this area on 4th of July, it's absolutely insane.
Yeah.
It's crazy because almost every firework is illegal around here.
So it incentivizes people to get the most illegal fireworks ever.
Yeah, because you're going to get caught.
You're going to get your $1,000 fine anyway.
So you just launch off crazy fireworks.
And last, I think last 4th of July was when Kevin Newsman said, no fireworks.
And everyone's like, yeah.
And it was just insane.
It was like nuts.
But still, practice fireworks safety.
Nobody knows how it happened yet, but I don't think.
Not that I've seen.
And this year, Biden says that we can celebrate 4th of July, maybe if we're good boys and girls.
We might have about small barbecues.
And now, as a libertarian, it makes me not want to celebrate 4th of July in defiance of the government.
So I don't know what to do.
We just have a giant gathering.
But thankfully, we're safe.
I'm glad there weren't more deaths.
But thoughts and prayers to those two dead.
Yeah, I feel sorry.
Whoever, at least one of them, probably wasn't quite on board with the fireworks.
So I feel more sorry for that one, maybe, or both.
I don't know.
Okay.
Florida school principal, daughter, and daughter arrested for allegedly hacking student accounts to cast homecoming votes.
And I butchered that.
A teenage girl and her mother, an elementary school assistant principal, were arrested for allegedly hacking the accounts to fraudulently vote for the teen as a homecoming queen.
That's an arrestable offense, first of all.
Amazing.
Is she getting jail time?
That's really an arrestable.
What's the fit?
It's probably privacy.
I mean, they hacked hundreds of student accounts and made that student vote.
So I guess maybe just hacking an account.
Hacking.
Yeah.
I'm thinking like if you rig a school student body election, what's the crime?
I don't know.
Yeah, isn't that more like a, what are you doing?
Come on.
Does he really need to be homecoming queen?
That's how badly you want to be homecoming.
Did you ever care about that stuff?
No.
I mean, did you ever go to dances?
Did you do dances?
I did a couple.
Well, the funny thing is I didn't care about homecoming dance.
Oh, no, it was a semi-formal dance.
And then like one of the most attractive girls in our class asked me to the dance, and suddenly I cared.
Like, I was just shocked.
I was like, what?
The captain of the football team asked her to go with him, and she wanted to go with me.
So it was weird.
And I had never had a girlfriend.
That seems like a hack to me.
It was weird.
I felt like I was in a different, like in a hidden camera show.
Yeah.
That was crazy.
You're looking around Ashton Kutcher jumps out of the bush.
Yeah.
And my friend had a crush on her, so it was rough.
Actually, nobody loves you.
Did The Hill just publish a fake video of Biden?
Does it look fake?
So we've got The Hill posted this video, and I saw a bunch of people commenting on it.
I actually haven't watched it yet, so I'm going to need to press play here.
Dan will throw it up on the screen.
The microphone.
Yeah, what's the giveaway?
Watch his hands.
Watch his hands.
His hands are clipping over the microphones.
Did you see that?
Clipping over them.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
His hands are in front of the microphones.
They're in front of him.
That's weird.
That's on the hill.
What could the explanation be for that?
Yeah, like if it's a real video, what?
Is he dead?
Maybe he has way longer arms than we thought.
Is he dead?
It's foreshortening.
Yeah.
It's a deep fake.
But then a deep fake would at least get the hands right because that's meticulous.
That's weird.
That's green screen.
It has to be green screen.
So do you think, okay.
So do you think he really wasn't answering any questions?
There was no reporters there.
And then they imposed the microphones?
Because look at the motion on the microphones.
It looks like stock footage of microphones going like someone's just...
Oh, you think the microphones are another layer?
Look at them.
Yeah.
They're just like microphones like going like this, like randomly.
So it's like they photoshopped or whatever you call it, After Effects microphones into the shot to make it look like there's a bunch of reporters there.
You sound like you know what you're talking about when it comes to video editing.
I don't at all.
I don't at all.
I got to laugh at it, Dan.
Everybody's laughing.
I know.
I always like when I hear Dan laugh, though.
Yeah.
Because it's hard to get the stoic, reformed stoic.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, okay.
Comments?
What do you think?
Let us know.
My turn?
Marvel is rolling out a gay Captain America.
All right.
He's called the Captain America of the Railways, a fearless teen who stepped up to protect fellow runaways and the unhoused.
Marvel Comics is proud to honor Pride Month with the rise of this new LGBTQ plus hero.
So they do this a lot.
They'll say for a special one-off or an arc, they'll be like, it's not Steve Rogers.
They don't make Steve Rogers gay.
Yeah, it's like they'll take some other character and be like, he has the mantle and he's taken up the shield and now he's Captain America for this little arc or whatever.
So is it like into the Captain America verse?
Is it like an alternate dimension?
I don't know.
Yeah, I don't know if it's like part of the multiverse.
It's another kid that just got costume or something.
I don't know if it's part of the multiverse or another, yeah, another kid in the same universe.
Wow.
We predicted this multiple times and like years ago, I think.
Yeah, we actually wrote an article saying that they made Captain America an atheist transgender feminist Hydra agent.
And then later, Captain Globalism.
Yeah, Captain Globalism.
We knew this was coming.
Yeah.
If you've followed Marvel Comics or comics at all, you knew this was coming.
This was the easy one to produce.
Yeah.
Man sits, man sits in Bean Dip for 20.
This isn't a Guinness Record, is it?
No.
Man sits in Bean Dip for 24 hours to promote a California restaurant.
A California stuntman spent 24 hours sitting in a pool of bean dip because this restaurant has suffered losses from the COVID-19 pandemic.
Apparently, he's a stuntman and he's a big fan of this restaurant and he's sad to see it going under because of COVID restrictions.
So he's like, I'm going to sit in a big thing of bean dip to get attention for this place.
And I commend that.
We get that.
Like there's a restaurant you love and you see things dwindling.
I love that he thought of something crazy like this.
But that, like, why that?
Like, I understand someone support this restaurant.
I want to draw attention.
Have you ever heard of Nathan for you?
That TV show?
This guy, it's a comedy hidden camera show or whatever, but like he comes and he pretends to be giving these businesses ideas to help their business.
Like one of them is like a frozen yogurt shop that's struggling.
So he gives them the idea to make poop-flavored ice cream.
And they actually have the flavor developed to take as much real poop as they can and everything and like consulting.
And the guy thinks this is real consulting.
And it does like garners all this attention because it's like, what?
But that feels kind of similar, like a thing that Nathan for you would tell this company to do.
Bean dip.
Have a guy sit naked and bean dip out in front of the restaurant for 24 hours straight.
This feels like, was that the South Part thing of like the business plan of one, two, three, question mark, profit, like bean dip, question mark, profit.
But hey, it's Los Los Toros Mexican Restaurant in Chatsworth.
We want to call attention to it.
Yeah.
I wanted this guy to pay off.
So if you live anywhere near Chatsworth, go to this restaurant and support it.
Because honestly, LA restaurants are probably hit the hardest.
Yeah.
Like if all we're in LA County is wrecked right now.
There's other major metro areas that had hard lockdowns that are already lifting, and LA is just nothing.
It's crazy.
And it's historical because the beans that are in the burritos are the beans he sat in.
So you're eating a piece of history.
Yeah, I think you're kidding.
I was just hoping.
Columbia University will have six separate graduations segregated by race, income, sexuality, and ethnicity.
Seriously.
It's supposed to be from not the B.
It feels like a not the B headline.
To say, seriously.
Yeah, seriously.
Six separate graduations segregated?
There's one graduation.
You can attend the first generation and or low-income community.
You can also go to the lavender graduation for the LGBTIAQ Plus community.
But like if you're low-income and LGBT or something, you could go to both.
I think you can go to both.
So you pick yours?
Yeah.
Huh.
I think you can go to both because.
Seems like a lot of work.
And the way that they defend this is, well, this isn't the main graduation, and it's all optional.
We're just saying if you're black and you want to go to the black one, we've got it.
It's optional segregation.
I'm just curious, like, what would be different at each one?
And you could just infer so many wrong things.
Yeah, it's like, what?
It's just seems like a bad idea.
No, I mean, I think this was Martin Luther King Jr.'s vision.
I have a dream that one day everybody will graduate separately.
Okay, here we have it.
Possibly one of the worst tweets of all time.
So people were mad at Bill Burr, and I don't 100%.
I didn't see his talk, but I guess he gave like a, he's being Bill Burr, right?
Yeah.
And then I didn't even notice Bill Burr's wife is black.
So this guy responds to, okay, so there's a tweet of Bill Burr and his black wife.
They say, you know, making fun of people for calling him a racist.
And this person, Claiborne Griffin, responds and says, well, I'm not suggesting Bill Burr is a racist, a white man having a non-white wife can sometimes be a sign of racism.
So you shouldn't assume someone isn't racist just because they own a minority sex servant.
They may very well have one because they're racist.
Yeah, I'm going to go with worst tweet of all time.
What's the ratio on that?
Oh, it's beautiful.
So he's got 1,500 likes.
That's scary that 1,500 people clicked a like on that.
Yeah.
And he's got 24,000 responses.
Do they give out awards for best biggest ratio?
Ratio to the moon.
Yeah.
I mean, if marrying somebody of the opposite of a different race is still racist, then at that point, what is not racist?
I just want to know, like, what is a not racist thing to do if you're willing to commit your life and marry them and have children.
Well, or to hire a sex servant.
Right.
Okay.
Or a minority sex servant.
His wife's response will need some flower bedding.
I don't even know exactly what she said on that first word.
Huh?
B-word.
B-word.
Okay.
Okay, she says, marshmallow.
Shut the flowerbed.
You can bleep all that, I guess.
I didn't really say it.
Thinking what we're all thinking.
Website hiring Minecraft gardening consultants for virtual landscaping.
$70 per hour.
You can be a Minecraft gardening consultant.
You lend your expertise for achieving gardening excellence while sticking to the player's Minecoin budget.
Minecoin.
So there's money in Minecraft.
I thought you could just go into creating.
What's a Minecoin?
Wait, you don't know that?
You know Minecraft.
You're a Minecrafter.
I don't really know Minecraft.
Well, when you compared to me.
Okay, so Minecoins you can coins you can buy, like skins, texture packs.
You know, your kids play with the frozen pack and stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
I just buy those with normal coins.
I guess Minecoins is a thing.
So I don't know.
That sounds like a Hitler thing.
Minecoin.
Okay, so Minecraft is one of the greatest.
Sorry.
The first time I played Minecraft was one of the greatest gaming experiences of my life because I played it without reading any guides online.
I played survival mode, hardcore mode.
If you die, you're out.
Is this going to take a while?
No.
And if you don't know how to actually build anything in Minecraft, you don't know how to build a sword.
You don't know how to build a bed.
You don't know how to build.
Yeah, I got to harvest sheep and stuff.
Like I had to figure it out without looking it up online.
And it was just insanely intense.
You know, that like the first night you're like, I got to get a shelter up.
You know, these monsters.
It's like being a real human that doesn't have civilization yet.
It felt like I was in Robinson Crusoe.
The shine faded off for me after a while because my kids play and they just add so many mods and they play creative mode and they have everything.
And it's like, it's not as fun for me.
But that first time when I like built the house and then I got lost, you know, you get lost in Minecraft and you can't find your house.
What a terrifying moment that is.
Anyway, maybe I could be a gardening consultant.
Yeah, you couldn't.
Do they have interior design consultants and stuff too?
Probably.
A cat was trapped in a tree for over a week and then it was rescued and given spaghetti.
That's awesome.
So firefighters in Florida said it took an hour and three attempts to rescue a cat that was stranded in a high branch of a tree for over a week.
I just like that it got spaghetti.
Like, I wonder if the cat got down and was like, this was worth it.
A week in a tree?
And I get spaghetti.
Oh, man.
There was a cat trapped in like a 30-foot-tall tree outside of our apartment once, just this tiny kitten, and it was like blowing in the wind and swaying, like, you know, going back and forth.
And we're like watching it.
I don't even remember how it got down.
I think at some point it must have jumped.
I don't think it died.
Didn't get spaghetti.
It didn't get spaghetti, though.
But I would say Perry Grip, he has a song called Spaghetti Cat.
Oh, man.
Prophetic.
Prophetic.
Prophecy.
Fulfilled.
Fulfilled.
You should look it up.
PeriGrips, spaghetti cat.
Spaghetti, cat, cat, cat.
Baby kangaroo found after night on the loose in New York.
T-A-C-O-C-A-T Taco Cat.
Oh, that's Perry Grip again.
Taco Cat.
Sorry.
Kangaroo in New York.
No, there's no Perigrip Kangaroo in New York, but that'd be a good song.
Did he eat pizza?
I just wrote you back that up.
He jumped a bunch of people and then he ate a bunch of pizza.
What do you do on a night out in New York when you're a baby kangaroo?
Do you think he jumped anyone?
That was my joke.
I get it.
Well, okay.
But yeah, I mean, who cares?
Loose Ram chases Ontario cyclists down rural road.
Are we going into the animal section?
Okay.
Animal news.
Animal news.
Chasing cyclists.
My only thing in this is I was like, this is great.
We should ship this ram to Portland.
To chase cyclists?
There's cyclists out there.
You have to believe this.
Portland cyclists are totally.
Doggy.
Have you ever seen that Portlandia sketch with the cyclist yelling at everybody?
I'm coming through.
I'm coming through.
He's like, boom, boom.
They think they own the road.
Portland's like, there's a bridge in Portland, the I-5 Bridge, which is like a total bottleneck.
I mean, all traffic tries to get through there, and it's only two lanes or maybe four.
And they're all super tight.
And my friend worked at the DOT up there, and he said that there's constantly, they're trying to get funding to expand the bridge, and their solution was to add bike lanes to the bridge.
To add more bike lanes.
This is Portland.
I'm just going to force everybody to ride bikes.
It's the bridge that goes from Oregon to Washington.
And there's only two bridges anyway.
Portland, man.
I have no strong feelings about cyclists, but I think in our area, I haven't seen.
They aren't as bad here.
In Portland, they feel very entitled.
Like, I'm saving the environment, you stupid cars.
Yeah, and they're mad at all the cars for being on there.
My turn?
I don't know.
Dog driver blamed for.
Dog driver blamed for crashing owner's Jeep in a Wisconsin building.
Dog driver, it's a dog driving a car driving.
So, and it crashed because dogs can't drive.
I like how it says blamed.
Blamed.
What else would it have been?
Well, you might blame the person that let the dog drive the car.
Yeah.
The owner.
But when I worked on VeggieTales, we had this scene where a dog is driving the car and it's crashing everywhere.
And the execs were like, dogs can't drive cars and it's off-brand for dogs to be able to drive cars.
So we're not, they maybe cut that scene.
It was just a funny, slapsticky scene.
So I feel vindicated here that, yes, if a dog's driving a car, it crashes.
It's they have peas driving cars.
Right.
One of the first veggie tales.
Or no, great kind of thing.
When a company starts getting a little too crazy about what's on or off-brand.
There's a whole song where Larry and Tunya are in the Jeeps or whatever, and they're singing about their Jeeps.
Well, and they have animals that do stuff, human-type stuff, and Veggie Tales, but this became this whole rule.
Animals can't do human-type stuff in VeggieTale World.
They just made them.
So there was a exec sitting around at a table and they're like, how do we feel about dog drivers?
Yeah.
No.
They have these long meetings about it.
Oh, stupidest thing ever.
Can they ever come to you and take all your money for telling all these stories?
I don't know.
I guess we'll find out.
Maybe we'll find out.
They probably don't listen to the podcast.
Probably not.
Look.
I'm going to read the headlines exactly as it says.
Look, home invading raccoon found sleeping in dishwasher.
So he snuck in through a light, slept in the dishwasher after ransacking the kitchen.
Yeah.
He's like the wet bandits from Home Alone.
You know what he's like?
The wet bandits.
Oh.
From Home Alone.
That's a good one.
Thanks.
All right, these are for you.
Do I have to read all these?
Okay.
British man drinks Capri's son in 16.65 seconds to set Guinness record.
It is a stupid record to hold, but that is the fun of the Guinness World Records.
No.
I think it will get beaten.
I'm going to beat this one.
This is the one I can do.
I like that quote.
I think it will definitely get beaten.
I wouldn't say it was that fast.
See, this is how stupid Guinness records are.
Is that you can be the owner of a Guinness record and be like, yeah, I didn't try very hard for this.
That's how low these are on the totem.
And finally, man catches 67 pieces of caramel corn in his mouth for Guinness Record.
Good job, man.
I'm sure there was a time limit and there were rules and who cares?
So we released a cartoon this week.
We released a cartoon.
Do we want to play it now or do we want to play it at the end?
Because we're going to give away the punchline one way or the other.
You're the boss.
We're going to do the cartoon at the end.
Okay.
You can watch our funnier animated version.
But first, you have to suffer through me and Ethan doing this.
We are going to compare things to the Nazis.
And I'm going to ask you if it's like the Nazis or not.
Okay.
If something can be compared to the Nazis.
People who disagree with you online.
Yes.
Yes, like the Nazis.
Exactly.
Wrong.
The Republicans, like the Nazis.
Yeah.
Because that's what.
Yeah.
No, wrong.
Wrong.
The Democrats.
Are they like the Nazis?
Exactly like the Nazis.
Because they.
Wrong.
Yeah.
Congress passing laws you don't like make you pay taxes.
Exactly like the Nazis.
Exactly.
They did that.
Eh, wrong.
They didn't kill six million people.
Communism.
Ooh.
Not like the Nazis at all.
Missed it by that much?
I don't know.
Because they killed way more people than the Nazis.
That's true.
Um the Q Anon people on the Republicans that are trying to recall Gavin Newsom.
Oh, yeah.
Just like the Nazis.
The Nazis would have tried to recall Gavin Newsom.
This man's a saint.
Once again, we have to point out that they did not kill six million Jews.
Wrong.
Cancel culture.
Just like the Nazis.
Yeah, they canceled six million Jews.
Wrong.
They didn't kill six million people.
Steven Crowder.
How did this get in there?
Not like the Nazis.
Filibusters?
Filibusters.
Not like the Nazis.
Being told to learn to code when you're a journalist.
Oh, man, that's a hard one.
It's kind of Nazi-ish.
Except for the killing.
Except for the killing part, not actually killing millions of people.
Critical race theory?
They were very critical of one race.
So it's kind of similar to Nazism.
Somewhere in there.
But it didn't kill 6 million.
Although you could argue that Marxism.
Okay.
Westboro Baptist Church.
Biblical fundamentalists like them that scream with signs.
It's weird.
It's hateful.
But it's not like the Nazis.
Yeah, not exactly.
The Last Jedi.
I'm going to go with yes.
Okay.
Like the Nazis.
But I'll just trust you.
They literally murdered 6 million fanboys' hopes and dreams.
More than 6 million fanboys' hopes and dreams.
Ryan Johnson did.
Believing in traditional marriage?
Not like the Nazis.
Did they believe in?
I don't know.
They probably didn't believe in like LGBT used to.
But if you believe in traditional marriage, part of that package is not killing 6 million Jews.
That's true.
It's not usually.
It doesn't have to be.
It's not necessary.
Right.
Okay, we got one more.
One more?
Yeah.
Seems as so for nothing is like the Nazis.
So it seems we can't find anything other than communism that's killed 16 million people, 6 million Jews thereabouts.
Abortion.
All right, let's go to the cartoon.
Let's watch the cartoon now.
Now that we've spoiled it.
Now that we've spoiled the punchline.
And we took way longer to get there.
The cartoon is much funnier.
Watch the cartoon.
And now it's time to play everyone's favorite game.
Is this like the Nazis?
Here is our host, Chuck Fandango.
Welcome to Is This Like the Nazis?
The game show where contestants are asked, is this horrible thing like the Nazis?
Our contestants for today are Susan, a school teacher from Idaho, and Michael, a truck driver from North Carolina.
All right, let's jump right into the first category.
Is this like the Nazis?
The attack on the Capitol.
Yes, the attack on the Capitol was like the Nazis.
Let's find out.
The attack on the Capitol.
A dark day in American history.
The Constitution and our personal freedom was at risk.
Sounds pretty bad.
Now, the Nazis killed six million people.
No, I'm sorry.
The attack on the Capitol is not like the Nazis.
Better luck next time.
Next category: Is this like the Nazis?
Antifa.
Yes, absolutely.
Antifa is exactly like the Nazis.
Let's plug it in.
Antifa uses political violence to achieve their agenda, destroying buildings and small businesses, punching and kicking innocent people, and the media covers for them.
Oh, sounds pretty bad.
The Nazis killed six million people.
No, I am so sorry.
That is nothing like the Nazis.
Final category: Is this like the Nazis?
Abortion.
Woo-hoo.
How'd that get in there?
Well, looks like we're out of time.
Join us next week for another exciting edition of Is This Like the Nazis?
The point is, people think about things before you compare them to the Nazis.
Just think.
Just think.
Okay, so here in our LA area, the Los Angeles Union, Los Angeles Unified School District, Teachers Union, is still refusing to go back to classes.
They just like, I actually haven't looked this up like in the last day or two, so I don't know if this has been resolved or not.
But they voted like 91% of the people in the union, like 250,000 teachers, voted not to return to in-person teaching.
Wow.
And this is even though even the worst lockdown proponents, CDC, Fauci, all these people that have been pushing lockdowns and close everything have all admitted schools are fine.
And Fauci was even saying, because a lot of it is like, well, we don't have the space to space everyone out six feet.
And now studies are saying, well, actually, between kids, you only need, like, three feet.
Oh.
So they're like, that may basically...
How do they measure that?
I don't...
I don't know.
I don't know how they measured it.
I actually're smaller and their sneezes don't get as far.
I guess.
They have a smaller sneeze radius.
Yeah.
And it's like how when you sit down at the restaurant, the coronavirus goes above you.
Right.
Kids are already short.
They're eating.
So the coronavirus is on.
Coronavirus is floating by, and then they're like, oh, he's eating.
Yeah.
It's not bugging.
It's just rude.
Yeah.
It's honestly just rude.
Privacy.
In response to this, we actually got a exclusive footage of the teachers' union negotiating.
Yeah.
And let's go to the footage.
Here we go.
Teachers, thanks for coming in.
Restrictions are being lifted.
The school board wants to make a deal to get you guys back in the classroom.
We are so excited to get back to school.
But first, we have a few simple demands.
All the teachers need to be vaccinated.
It's for their safety.
Let me see what I can do.
Well, guys, I have great news.
They've agreed to your conditions.
Let's get you back to work.
That's fantastic.
Here's the thing: plexiglass shields.
Gotta have them between every seat.
Lightweight but bulletproof.
Massage chairs.
Oh, massage chairs.
Yes.
Yeah, new kind of thing.
Oh, it's for the kids.
Yeah, we're not coming back.
Ever.
All right, guys.
Tough negotiations, but they're shipping us massage chairs.
If we're talking about the safety of the kids here, I don't think we can go back until the teacher's lounge has monkey servants.
Monkey servants!
Making the coffee, tying my shoes.
Ramons, monkeys do not need to be living in like good living conditions.
They need to be roughing it.
I can't believe I'm even saying this, but they're sending you monkey servants.
Taxes.
IRS pays the teachers taxes.
And Spy Gear.
We want Spy Gear.
Playground's too hot.
Put out the sun.
With a hose, I don't care.
Just put it out.
You tell them that!
It's all yours.
Invisible pencils.
Diamond chalkboards.
And the school's like a transformer.
Like it can be transformed like Optimus Prime.
Water bottles full of booze.
Erase geography.
It's gone.
Swear word.
I'm talking the worst ones.
Fair game.
Lamborghini in every home.
Cucumber bread.
Swords.
Reparations.
And booze.
I get to waterboard the monkeys.
Monkey junction.
Monkey death row.
It's a miracle.
You got it.
There's more.
There's more.
All the students have been pulled out of your schools and put in private schools or homeschools.
So you guys are all fired.
Does this mean we don't have to teach anymore?
That's correct.
Yes.
I hate kids.
Oh, no, COVID.
Spotted t-shirt.
Button up.
T-shirt.
So Let us know if you like.
You know, this is the first Babylon B sketch we ever recorded.
Yeah, subscribe to our YouTube channel for more.
Let us know if you liked it.
I thought it was a lot of fun.
Yeah, and check out Trevor Anderson with an E.
I don't know.
And Kira Davis were on there and they were killed.
They were fantastic.
Awesome.
And I didn't foresee, I didn't understand all the monkey jokes, but I just mouthed them.
Actually, people really like the waterboarding the monkeys line, apparently.
What took the longest about that sketch is recording Ethan's lines about the monkeys because he keeps going, I don't understand what my motivation is.
Why am I suddenly talking in such detail about the housing of the monkeys?
He's like, why do I hate the monkeys so much?
Just got to trust your writers sometimes.
The most unrealistic part of that, of course, is that the teachers would have been fired.
Yeah.
Because that's the whole point of a teacher's unions.
They would have been put in a room or something.
Well, they would just keep getting paid for not doing anything.
For not going back to the job.
Oh, dude, there's a link here to this Oakley school board.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
If you haven't watched that video from February of the Oakley school board that resigned, they were all mocking the parents over school reopenings.
And they didn't realize that they were on live on camera.
We might have talked about this in a remote.
They were like live online.
You could watch the school.
It was a public school board meeting and they're like, oh, they just want their babysitters back.
Freaking parents.
And they're going back and forth.
And then at one point, one of the guys is like, this is live.
And they're just like, they realize it.
And then the other guy's like, no, it's not.
And then they realize that they've been broadcasting this whole meeting.
And the whole school board resigned.
Oh, because of that video they resigned.
They were all for forced to resign.
Wow.
Drew that.
Dang.
Well, good job, teachers.
And we know, hey, by the way, we always get hate mail when we joke about teachers.
When we talk about teachers, we're talking about a very specific subset of teachers.
Yeah.
And usually there's teachers' unions.
That's what makes me awkward about it because I have a lot of friends that are teachers.
My stepmother's a teacher.
I know there's people fighting the good fight.
Right.
And then I was impressed.
Like, when I look at the comments, there's a ton of teachers commenting, like, oh man, I'm a teacher and I completely agree with this video.
Right.
So you're like tapped into something.
I don't, I'm not tapped into it or something.
All right, let's do some hate mail.
I really miss Adam Ford.
So this is hate mail from Susan.
Not another Susan.
And she apparently was a Babylon B subscriber, but let it lapse.
And she really is happy with her decision to let her subscription lapse.
She says, I feared I'd regret letting my BB subscription lapse at the end of the year.
But trying to listen to Kyle and Miss Borowski, Julie Borowski, who we had on the podcast this week, talk libertarianism reassured me I'd done the right thing.
It's always good that you can have a great conversation that's so bad.
Someone's like, I am so glad that I stopped giving you money.
I appreciate you didn't work me into that, too.
Yeah, it's just me and her, I guess.
For a site of such insightful, incisive wit, the bee's political opinions, like its theology, are vapid and vain and not worth listening to for free.
Articles are funny.
Headlines funnier.
But podcasts are obnoxious.
Like bright 15-year-olds, promising, but presently too full of themselves.
Here's hoping for your maturity.
I like that we're bright 15-year-olds.
Yeah, at least we're at least we have a bright future ahead of us.
Yeah, I wasn't expecting the compliment kind of in there.
I don't remember what we talked about that would have been that offensive.
I don't remember.
Capital.
Capital.
I zone out when you guys start talking about libertarian stuff.
The attack on capital anarchy.
I don't know.
I don't remember anything that would have been.
I just remember I talked about my screen juice idea.
Yeah.
Controversial?
I think, yeah, I mean, it was more about spanking and scream juice.
Yeah, that's what we, yeah.
Somebody said, I think Frank said that's the most he's ever seen us push back on somebody in an interview.
I'm like, whoa, whoa, don't take away.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're taking all spankings off the table?
You can attack our theology.
You can attack our politics.
Don't take away our spanking of our children.
I wonder if she tried Scream Juice yet.
How's her kid now?
Does she have a kid now?
Yeah.
Or she's on the way.
I can't remember.
I think it was real young.
Oh, it was real young.
That's right.
Then that's what we were pushing back on her about.
She's like, I'm not into spanking.
And we're talking, you're not even there yet, man.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, sorry, Susan.
We'll try to be more mature.
What are some things we can do to be more mature for Susan?
Sit up, stay straight with your shoulders back.
Pretty much just anything Jordan Peterson says, right?
Read some.
Read some Russian literature.
That's what I was going to say.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
And yeah.
Yeah.
What's mature?
Slacks.
Matt, what's mature, man?
Wear slacks.
Wear slacks?
Yeah, press our shirts.
Do what is meaningful, not what is expedient.
Do what is meaningful, not what is expedient.
Okay.
Would that change the tone of our podcast a lot?
Yeah, I like the idea that we would change for Susan.
And everybody else hates it because now we're too mature.
Well, we'll try.
Yeah, we'll work on that.
All right.
Well, we're going to go to our subscriber lounge now.
So thanks for joining us, freeloaders, but not thanks too much.
Not too much thanks for you until you pay us money.
And thank you.
I mean, thanks.
Yeah.
Thanks.
And thanks for commenting and liking and subscribing.
I'm saying thanks like I would say thanks to a Chipotle worker.
Like I'm not.
It's not the same as saying thanks to, you know, like the guy that led you to Christ as a nickel teen camp counselor.
Exactly.
And you say thanks.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I'm saying thanks.
Thanks for, yeah.
Thanks for the burrito.
But you'll get a true thank you in the subscriber lounge if you subscribe.
Heartfelt.
So here we go.
Thank you.
We're diving in.
Until next week, everybody.
Coming up next for Babylon Bee subscribers.
Woman perfectly willing to fight on the front lines as long as the guys will carry all her extra bags.
Racist.
I mean, wait, sexist.
My is mixed up.
Another lady at our Family Christian store came in and she was asking if her book had arrived that she had pre-ordered or something and it didn't show up yet.
And she started screaming at us and telling us she sold us, you know what, there's a spirit of oppression over this place.
And she goes, and you are not doing the Lord's work.
You are doing Satan's work here.
Because her book on, I think it was like a book on patience hadn't come in yet.
Enjoying this hard-hitting interview?
Become a Babylon Bee subscriber to hear the rest of this conversation.
Go to BabylonB.com/slash plans for full-length ad-free podcasts.
Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dylan for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.