Not My President And Skynet Can Do Whatever It Wants
In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's biggest stories like Skynet being a private company so their Terminator robots can do whatever they want to you, Democratic states are suddenly following the science on lockdowns, and how the right is learning from the left's past four years on how to cope when they feel like the president is not their president. There's weird news, glorious hate mail, and Kyle can't say the word "dang." Be sure to check out The Babylon Bee YouTube Channel for more podcasts, podcast shorts, animation, and more. To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans. Introduction Kyle can't say 'dang.' Stuff That's Good Kyle likes C.S. Lewis' Abolition of Man Ethan likes Run, Hide, Fight from The Daily Wire Run Hide Fight Trailer Dallas Sonnier Interview with Ben Shapiro Weird News New wristband the 'Moodbeam' tells your boss if you are unhappy Joe Exotic had a limo parked outside his prison, along with hair, makeup, and wardrobe people on standby, in case Trump pardoned him which never happened. Link A California man was arrested Saturday and accused of hiding in a restricted area of Chicago's O'Hare International Airport for three months. Stefan Thomas, of San Francisco, says he has made peace with forgetting his Bitcoin password that would turn him into a multimillionaire. Thomas, who recently was featured in The New York Times, has about $220 million worth of Bitcoin locked away on a hard drive that will erase its data after 10 password attempts. A New Guinness World Record! Musician plays box drum for over 25 hours for new Guinness record Amazon removes 'distasteful' coronavirus masks from sale. Stories of the Week Story 1: 'Skynet Is A Private Company, They Can Do What They Want,' Says Man Getting Curb-Stomped By Terminator Summary: Local man Karl Langler argued that Skynet is a private company and can do what they want as a Terminator T-800 curb-stomped him and then vaporized him with a plasma rifle. "Listen, I hear people actually complaining that this is somehow a human rights violation. But only the government can violate your first amendment rights. Skynet is the creation of Cyberdyne systems and is a private company. They have the freedom to do whatever they want with their own platform." Story 2: Democrat States Follow The Science By Doing What Florida Did Back In May Summary: Democrat-run states are now calling on the nation to follow the science by doing what Florida did back in May: don't do lockdowns. Story 3: Republican Starting To Think Trump Might Not Pull Off A Last-Minute 4D Chess Move Summary: Local Republican man Edward Chasney admitted Wednesday that he's starting to worry Trump might not actually pull off a last-minute 4D chess move to win the election. Topic of the Week: How to cope with life under a president you find hard to accept Put on a neon vest and shriek at the sky Accuse him of colluding with a foreign adversary with no evidence while sleeping with a Chinese spy Impeach him at least 3 times, even on the final week of his presidency - why not go for four Riot in every major city, set fires, and loot for weeks on end for like 6 months - but whatever you do DO NOT riot at the capitol Make every Late Night joke some variation of 'your president bad' Have all comedians stop doing comedy and instead spend every waking minute tweeting at the president with some sort of expletive-laden Braveheart speech Immediately assume half the country is secretly Nazis When dining out, scream at all the other diners that we now live under a dictator between bites Take 12 months worth of hormonal birth control at once and scream into your camera Get a permanent face mask with stay 6 feet away printed on it Keep all of your friends and family that agree with you close enough to hear the echo in the room Make sure to do a deep dive into every actor and musician's Twitter history to make sure they align perfectly with your views. If not, cancel them. Don't forget to embrace diversity as long as everyone still sees things exactly as you do Keep the news on 24 hours a day and never leave the house. Always be on Twitter and your phone. Make sure you know everything the president is doing at all times. Weep uncontrollably until 2024 Hate Mail Judith seems to think we are racist and don't understand the Calvinism/Arminianism debate, and doesn't appreciate the Biden color chart for covid relief calculations. Subscriber Portion Behind the Scenes Update Bonus Hate Mail Updates to the podcast Headline Forum Highlights Got any cool stories
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth.
With your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon Bee.
Fake news you can trust.
Mm-mm.
That's good coffee.
It comes from the slopes of Mount Vesuvius in Colombia.
Extracted from the fecal droppings of the Revuzius monkey.
Ah.
The blue-tailed macaque.
Flavored with the crushed up testicles of the cougar.
Oh, yeah.
We do that for the subscriber lunch.
Yeah.
You know, you guys don't get an oh, yeah.
You got to subscribe to get when we get on the subscriber lounge and we go, oh, yeah.
But this is the Babylon Bee podcast, your most trusted news source.
I'm Kyle.
I'm Ethan.
And we're journalists or something.
Sure.
Did I ever tell you?
I think I did tell you I got put on a journalism panel at some conference.
Like trying to organize everything.
They're trying to figure out where they're trying to put me in there.
You're with the journalists.
We're in the press pass.
You have the press pass and everything.
I did have somebody tell me that if I wanted to get backstage at stuff, I could just apply for a press pass.
So the other journalists that were there, they see you as the Babylon B guy.
I guess these are probably right-wing journalists.
I was a Nazi journalist.
You're a darling of the right.
The darling of the alt-right.
It was the annual Adolf Hitler conference.
Yes.
Memorial.
The Hitler Spirit Awards.
Hitler.
We gave you the Lifetime Achievement Awards for various things.
Right.
That Hitler would approve of.
Hitlerius Comedy of the Year.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Oh, that's dang funny stuff.
Like that?
Dang.
Yeah.
And what's funny about the word dang is that I got in trouble for saying it or something.
Yeah, apparently somebody wrote in and said that you can't, they thought that you said another word, which is a highly inappropriate word that rhymes with Sam.
But it starts with a D.
A D. D.
So, okay.
Right.
Beavers build them.
And so Dan.
No, wait, what is his name Dan?
No, he's talking to Dan.
That's Daryl.
He's a guy named Daryl.
Daryl.
You want to read his email or should I?
He said too long.
He said that he was mad that we had the word.
We missed a flower, but we didn't censor the D word.
And then it turned out that it was me and I said dang.
And it sounded not like dang to him.
And then he says we need to add that to the list of words that Kyle cannot pronounce.
So let's play the clip real quick.
Let's go to the point.
Defending him.
I know.
Every time.
Every gang.
Every time.
Come on.
Okay, yeah, you definitely.
It doesn't sound.
Yeah, that sounded like a beavers building.
Like you were talking about.
Like you're an engineer at Hoover.
Building in the Hoover thing that Hoovers built.
Anyway, so this guy said that if we if we mention this on the podcast that Kyle can't say dang properly like the average American, then he'll stop freeloading.
He's going to pony up and subscribe.
So that's what this is all about.
All right, we are going to check Daryl and we're going to make sure that you subscribe.
Yeah.
Wait, you have to mock me, though.
He says you have to mock me.
I have to mock you.
Yeah, he says if you, what does he say?
If the bee could add, if you give him a really hard time on behalf of the listeners, that would be great.
If they mention it on the podcast that Kyle can't say it, I will stop freeloading.
I think you should try repeatedly to say it, but you get flowerbedded every time because you can't say it, right?
Flowerbed.
Flowerbed.
He's using a sentence.
Stubbed my dang toe.
Wait, I'm going to actually stub my toe.
Flowerbed.
Okay.
I stubbed my stee.
Flowerbed.
Stubbed my knee.
Oh, sorry.
It's like this big reverb.
Kick the table.
Everything is moved.
All right.
Is that enough?
Do they mock him enough?
I don't know if I'm mocking.
Flowerbed.
I can't stand all these dang hair ons.
They're coming out of the walls.
They're coming out of the gosh name.
Flowerbed.
Did I?
You could start a movie called Herons on a Plane.
Herons on a Sun.
Flowerbed on the dang plane.
Sick of all these dang herons in this dang plane.
All right, Daryl.
We hope that's sufficient.
I'm going to keep an eye on the list of subscribers coming in, and I'm going to make sure your name is on.
Yeah, we're watching it.
So I hope this encourages people to harass us to beg for their subscription on the show every week.
Because that's what we want the show to be.
You can write us and just tell us to do anything, and you'll subscribe, and we will do it.
We'll do it.
It's easy.
Yeah, easy sub for us.
Easy subscription for us.
All right, let's do some stuff that's good.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good today, I'm going to talk about a little-known author named C.S. Lewis.
Oh, you read him?
Yo, I didn't know you're into obscure authors.
Oh, yes.
You've probably never heard of him.
He wrote a little book called The Abolition of Man.
It was my first reading.
You thought it was about you.
Yeah.
And I was disappointed.
There was no one.
Oh, you're outraged.
It was a rage reading.
I was only one in on it.
His last name's man.
That's the joke.
And I wrote it and it was so good.
And I had tried to read it, I think, when I was younger and I didn't get it.
Now reading it, it was so prophetic.
You're still pretty young.
But yeah, yeah.
I get your saying.
Well, so are you compared to some dang people?
Dead people.
Dang people.
Those dead, dang people.
Certain dang people.
Dangle, dangle, dangle.
Yeah.
It was excellent.
He's got so many good points in there.
I found myself highlighting every page.
Very prophetic.
And Diana Glyver talked about it when she was on here.
Some of the other people have mentioned it.
Some of our other guests have mentioned it, and it was just so good.
Dyer and Glier.
Like, if I could fund it, it has this whole thing about science being stupid.
Science being a lie and a hoax.
Yeah.
But this rabid belief in science without reason and your soul and emotion kind of all playing into that.
Yeah.
And I want to fund a campaign to go kidnap Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Okay.
Tie him up.
Sounds like an incitement.
And like force him to read this book.
Okay.
That's what I kept being reminded of.
He's talking about like the science, the scientists explain everything, and so they explain nothing.
Yeah.
So actually, the stars are not pretty.
Yeah.
They're actually just gas that's burning.
Anyway, it was quite good.
And if you get a chance, it's a quick read, about 90 pages.
Abolition of Man. C.S. Lewis.
Help out a starving author today.
Yeah.
I was going to mention the everybody's talking about it.
I watched Run Hide Fight.
Daily Wire put a movie out.
Was it any good?
I liked it.
I'm not going to be raving.
It was one of the greatest movies of the year.
I'd give it like 80% if I was around an 80%.
It was entertaining.
I did have to think about it.
It is weird.
It is taboo to make a movie about it because it's about a school shooting.
It is pretty Hollywood-ish as far as I think it's a little the kids doing the shooting are a little over-the-top villains.
But are they MAGA kids or are they like?
No.
They're just all about celebrity.
Like fame.
They want the fame.
Yeah.
Or the one kid, or some of the, yeah, they all kind of have their own reasons.
Um, oh, it's multiple shooters, yeah.
It's kind of a group of kids that kind of coordinates.
That's the main thing I'm unbelievable about it.
That usually doesn't happen, usually that's only happened a few times where they're like a couple of Columbine kids, yeah, Columbine.
Uh, but you know, it brings up interesting stuff about the way we react to shootings and the way the media is about it and stuff like that.
But overall, I think the main thing I want to promote is that I really enjoyed the interview with Dallas Sonier on Ben Shapiro's election special.
The main thing I'm excited about is that Daily Wire and conservatives are like wanting to make entertainment that's just good and that's not preachy.
That's just we just kind of tired of the preachy entertainment and just want to make good entertainment.
I'm a big fan of the stuff that Dallas has made, his other movies, which are insanely violent, warning, but uh, Brawl and Sellock 99, awesome movie, uh, dragged across concrete, concrete, bone tomahawk, all insanely violent, but uh, great movies, in my opinion.
Anyway, so I got a little like revved up and jazzed up by that interview with uh Ben Shapiro.
I was excited by it.
Awesome.
So I'm hoping more creatives, especially ones that are hiding, working in Hollywood, kind of come out of the shadows and more of the stuff's happening.
I like the direction.
All right.
Well, that's some dang good stuff.
Let's go on to weird news.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
All right.
So apparently there's a new wristband called the mood beam that tells your boss if you are unhappy.
Does your boss make you wear a wristband?
Like, where do you work?
Is this because of the remote working?
Like, everybody's.
Oh, yeah, because you don't work everybody's, so they don't know it.
Like, you can't walk through the office and be like, so then they got to be like, hey, can you put your wrist in the shot?
Well, I assume it's like wireless, right?
Like, it'll contrast.
Oh, yeah, the creepy part.
It can be all that's even creepier.
Like you're like, feeling a little down today.
So it's a wearable technology.
It doesn't monitor your physical health.
It allows your employer to track your emotional state.
It's supposed to be like they get an alert.
Like if at 3 a.m. you're having a nervous breakdown, they're like, uh-oh, we're overworking Jerry.
Yeah.
Dial back.
I think with how a lot of what's the point?
A lot of way a lot of workers feel and a lot of companies are run, they would just all be going off all the time, right?
Like you probably have to set the threshold pretty high to hit like until you're having a heart attack.
Don't send the boss an alert.
Otherwise, they're just constantly going to be getting alerts.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I don't understand it.
Can you make this for wives?
Too far.
I just want to say for the record that my wife is a lovely woman, very emotionally well adjusted.
You know, you just can't tell if she's happy or not.
You look at the wrist and you're like, oh, she's good.
Isn't this a Reliant K song?
Is it?
Let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings.
Is that a joke?
That's a Reliant K song.
Is it a real?
That's a lyric from Reliant K. Mood Ring.
Oh, Mood Beam.
It's Mood Rings.
Remember the old mood rings?
They didn't actually do anything.
Yeah.
I would immediately quit a job if my boss wanted me to wear a mood bracelet.
That's just that feels invasive.
I'm surprised Reliant K hasn't been canceled for this song.
I just looked up the lyrics and it's like, huh.
Yeah.
Talking about how girls are all emotional.
He's tongue-in-cheek.
I don't know.
I just want to separate myself.
Distance myself from Reliant K right here.
Okay.
Joe Exotic had a limo parked outside his prison along with hair, makeup, and wardrobe people on standby, just in case Trump pardoned him.
Never happened.
Womp, womp.
Sad.
Sad.
Not good.
Did he also have a row of husbands awaiting his return?
They're all standing there.
Are they all wearing Texas in their rows?
Yeah.
Ready to do like a song and dance.
What a thing that was, man.
Bizarre.
Tiger King.
That was almost a year ago now.
Yeah.
The Tiger King came out.
Ushered in the coronavirus.
The entire world was just watching this Tiger King documentary.
So there's a lot of husbands standing out there.
But Joe didn't make the pardon list, though.
Yeah.
A lot of people didn't make the pardon list.
I was hoping for Assange and Snowden and Ulbricht and all this.
Yeah, Albricht.
Yeah.
Sad.
Lil Wayne.
Lil Wayne.
He pardoned like 150 rappers or something.
Yeah, a bunch of rappers.
And he just likes to put in people's face.
Oh, yeah, I'm racist, huh?
Boom.
How about these rappers?
Yeah.
Pardon rappers.
I love rap.
So, yeah, Joe Exotic could last be heard screaming, Pascal.
I'd like what's the thought process here?
Like, he's he's just trying to force Trump's hand, like, make this big spectacle.
Like, there's a limo outside.
And I don't know.
It's probably just like he really thought.
So he's flamboyant.
He's also, he's the type of guy who thinks the world revolves around him.
And probably he thinks that Trump's thinking about him probably a lot more than Trump actually is.
Yeah.
So in his mind, he's thinking, oh, pardons.
I'm an obvious top 10.
Because even the average person would think, like, oh, he could be up there.
You know, maybe.
I don't know.
Really?
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe not.
Big name just because of the Netflix thing.
I don't know.
Whatever.
It does seem, I believe we live in a reality where it could happen that Donald Trump would pardon Joe Exotic from prison.
Just sounds plausible in this day and age.
Yeah, that sounds like something that would happen.
A California man was arrested Saturday and accused of hiding in a restricted area of Chicago's O'Hare International Airport for three months.
Three months.
So what was he doing?
Was he in trouble at home?
What's going on?
He told police that COVID-19 had rendered him too scared to travel home to California.
So instead, he's just hid in the airport.
Just for eating food from strangers.
Well, food provided by strangers.
Was he just begging for food around?
Hey, you're going to eat that pretzel.
Eating the rest of that pretzel?
Yeah, is there a lot of spare food?
Because it was like, I spent $19 on this giant pretzel.
I'm eating the whole thing.
I know.
I don't waste food at the airport ever.
Yeah.
$29 pre-packaged sandwich or whatever.
Yeah.
It's also the worst place to hide from COVID.
Like, it's like Grand Central Station for airborne viruses.
So I'm going to be in an airport.
Yeah.
Airport.
A super busy airport.
People are coming from all over the world, breathing and sneezing and touching you.
Yeah, he could have just gotten lost in the airport.
I get lost in airports all the time.
Just like birds.
Birds.
You ever been in an airport?
There's like birds stuck in there and they don't know how they got in there?
Nothing.
Did I notice that?
Not that I have noticed.
Really?
I watch him when I wait for planes.
I'm like, oh, there's a bird.
Ethan's sitting there staring at him.
He doesn't know how to get in here.
He can't get out.
I've just never noticed.
Because there's all these windows up there.
So they keep trying to get out.
And they're like, what has happened?
It makes sense to me.
Yeah.
I'm not saying you're wrong.
Stephan Thomas of San Francisco says he has made peace with forgetting his Bitcoin password that would turn him into a multi-millionaire.
So I don't even know how this works.
You buy a bunch of Bitcoin and you have a password.
How does that work?
Is this what he did?
Like he put the money on it.
It's locked on a hard drive.
Right.
So he's got the Bitcoin on hardware.
And he has 10 chances to get it right.
Or then the hard drive erases all the data.
Oh.
This is like a good movie.
Yeah.
This is like a huge self-owned.
Yeah.
What was the self-owned?
$220 million.
Like, and it's right there.
It's right there.
Yes.
In front of you.
Yeah.
If you can remember.
And he's gone through all his main passwords.
So he's sitting there like.
He probably was like, I'm going to do a weird variation here.
Jesus won.
Yeah.
Jesus.
J0 with a capital J?
HN316.
Every like church that I've ever worked at or helped out with, the password on the computer was always Jesus.
Jesus won or like Jesus or something.
Jesus saves stuff like that.
So if you ever want to break into a church computer, just type in Jesus.
Oh, man.
Sorry for that guy.
In a movie, if he's in a movie, though, because you were talking about a big movie.
Yeah, right.
This is where he'd call on his hilarious Asian hacker friend.
Oh, he's a comic relief character.
Yeah, and he would like, dude, go to this thing, the power glove on, and he'd like figure out like he'd crack the password.
They put it constantly pushing his nose on his nose.
And the mafia would be coming after them to get the hard drive.
That'd be the MacGuffin, the hard drive.
It'd be like a buddy comedy comedy.
Buddy comedy road chase thing.
Yeah.
Maybe.
He's written the movie.
Let's write it.
Let's write it.
Hard drive.
So, how do you guys always time this out to where I end up reading the Guinness World Record?
It's called Calvinism.
Predestination.
I will accept that and read this stoically.
A new Guinness World Record.
Musician plays box drum for over 25 hours for a new Guinness record.
Box drum?
So what is it like?
A cajon?
Is it a box?
It's a cajon.
A cajon.
Yeah.
You know, those are the hipster churches.
There's always a guy on the box that's like, yeah, yeah.
It's just a box.
It's a box.
Cajon's name means a box.
I lived in El Cajon in San Andreas.
That means the box.
It means the box.
Because it's in a valley that's surrounded by mountains.
And so it looks like a box.
So they're like, so when they're hanging out in Mexico and they're having a meeting about how to work towards better marketing, they're like, we've got to think out the cajon.
We've got to think outside the cajon.
Yeah.
What's outside in Spanish?
The fuer or something?
Fuerte.
Fuerte strong, right?
Or is that fuente?
Fuente?
Something like that.
Fuerte.
That's fire.
No?
I don't know.
I'm not good at Spanish.
Outside the box.
Fuera.
Fuera de la caja.
No way doing this.
Why did we get here?
How did we arrive here?
You know, he also won a secondary award.
Worst and most annoying roommate ever.
I'm going to do a little da-dumch for you on the cajon.
Boom-boom.
It would be like, bo-boom.
Imagine he's hitting a box for 25 hours.
That's some churches.
Some churches have to be close to that record, though.
Yeah.
Some of those worship in one song.
Yeah, I think Hill Song's pretty close.
Yeah.
Amazon removes distasteful coronavirus masks from sale.
So why are they distasteful?
So they're made in China and they look like the movie Critters.
Have you seen the movie Critters?
It looks like, was it Hellraiser with like all the first one?
There's two pictures here.
First one definitely looks like Critters.
Like we need to put, we need to A-B those.
Tech Razor.
Sorry.
The second one looks like kidney bean face.
Yeah, that one's crazy.
It's like a snake with a face made of hot dogs.
So it's distasteful because candy corn.
It's distasteful because the virus has killed a lot of people.
You just don't joke about that.
Until later.
I guess.
So these will be okay in like 50 years.
I don't know.
I don't know what the statute of limitations is.
I don't know.
But don't you dress up like as crazy mass murderers for Halloween?
Isn't that the whole thing?
Yeah.
Like this one.
But there's some you don't.
Well, no, a lot of people do Hitler, I guess.
I've frowned upon Haiti.
I would say so.
Yeah.
I've never seen anyone dress up as Hitler.
Christina Hiller.
No, there's people who do Hitler.
But you lived in like popular.
You lived in like a grew up in like a small white town, right?
So you probably saw a lot.
I'm thinking like, yeah, like Portland.
But they think they can do it because they're woke enough they can joke about they're joking.
I don't know.
Okay.
Well, you know.
I can't think of an exact time.
I just think I can think of, I find it plausible.
It was a different time.
Anyway.
All right.
Well.
Shame on you, Amazon, for coronavirus monster masks.
Sad.
Disgusting.
All right, let's do some stories of the week.
Every week, there are stories.
These are some of them.
Local man Carl Langler argued that Skynet is a private company and can do what they want.
He made this argument as a Terminator T800 curb stomped him and then vaporized him with a plasma rifle.
Listen, man, I hear people actually complaining that this is somehow a human rights violation.
But only the government can violate your First Amendment rights.
Skynet is the creation of Cyberdyne systems.
It's private, man.
They have the freedom to do whatever they want with their own platform.
Subject terminated.
They say that.
I don't know.
They talk the skeleton ones.
Yeah, the ones that aren't like Arnold.
They don't have lips.
Yeah.
But robots don't need lips.
That's the weirdest thing about robots.
They make them look like a human and they actually have to see out of like right here.
They don't really need all that, right?
No, they don't.
That's true because they're not real people.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well.
So, yeah.
Yeah, we've heard a lot of Cyberdine systems are private.
Yeah, they're private companies.
Private company.
They can do whatever they want.
Just build your own artificial intelligence network.
Yeah.
You don't like Skynet?
I'm just going to go build your own.
Right.
Man.
Bro.
Yeah, quit complaining.
It's just a free market, man.
It's a free market.
It's crushing your stupid face with a robot.
Man, it's a free market acting.
So this is big tech censorship stuff, man.
Yeah.
No, I can't get out of the guy's voice.
I know I can't get out of this.
Man, just like big tech censorship, bro.
I like how the script has flipped.
And then I like it when all these issues happen.
Trying to figure out because that's also.
That's my argument, man.
Yeah.
Are you taking my argument away?
Like whenever these things flip, it's like there's a ceremonial exchanging of the scripts between Democrats and Republicans.
Are they being like, oh, well, free market, then you're, yeah, make your own because that's what you want.
You want the free market.
I guess maybe.
Maybe they're trying to use your own idea against you or something.
Are they?
Maybe.
I can't tell.
It's like, hey, First Amendment doesn't protect your rights against.
I guess that's the real issue here: is that now when big tech is in league with government and you know, Biden can president Biden hail to the President Biden, which he's now the president as a few hours ago.
I'm recording it here.
And when he can just call Twitter and be like, I don't like those guys.
Yeah.
Ban them.
And then Twitter can do it.
Now they just have this plausible deniability.
Right.
Right.
Yeah.
I was just remembering that, you know, the way they blocked a story about Biden.
It's so weird still to think that that happened.
Yeah.
Like Twitter crashed.
Yeah, Twitter crashed.
Shut down their servers because everybody was sharing that story.
Everybody's sharing a story about Biden that made him look bad.
Hunter Biden, yeah.
And then they act like it was a national emergency and they had to take it upon themselves.
And that's so weird.
And they were instantly publishing all these counter articles that were allowed to go up saying, oh, this has all the hallmarks of Russian disinformation.
There's been a lot of weird actions by Twitter and people like big tech to really feed the conspiracy theorists a lot.
I mean, if I was into conspiracy theory, I would be like, I would have cranked it up like way high this year.
Right?
All the voter stuff.
There's just all this stuff.
Yeah.
They're not doing themselves any favors.
Didn't we publish a Batman B article like that?
Like, guy wouldn't have believed there was election fraud if every time he didn't log on to Facebook, there was a there wasn't a message that popped up that said, like, hey, by the way, you don't believe there's election fraud, do you?
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I don't know.
Seriously, even I think that I started doubting the election more because of that.
I was like, okay, there's some weird stuff, but whatever.
I mean, because it wasn't at all even trying to be convincing.
It was like acting like you are the people.
We are the Twitter.
We will tell you what to believe.
And it's just, because if you click on it and read what it is, it's just this blanket thing that like generally accepted that anybody who disagrees said.
Experts in general have said, yeah.
Did we make this joke on here before about like Jack Dorsey falls down a well or something, like the little message that pops up like Jack Dorsey has not fallen down a well.
Backfires on him?
Well, just like there's some message like they're protesting too much and you're like, wait, what?
They just put really weird messages.
Maybe we didn't make this joke.
It could be Jack Dorsey, like anytime he makes even the most minute mistake.
Yeah, but he can post that up on all of Twitter and be like, Jack Dorsey did not accidentally walk out of the bathroom with a zipper down today.
Yeah.
And everybody log on and you're like, oh, okay.
That's what I'm thinking.
That's the joke.
That's what I was trying to go for here.
So what about the Christian bakers that didn't want to bake the cakes?
Are they private?
Or is that not a thing anymore?
Yeah.
What about them?
What about them, huh?
Yeah.
Man.
Private company, man.
Though you could literally go across the street to a different base.
I guess that's the difference.
If you wanted to.
We go to parlor, man.
Yeah, go to parlor.
Crunch.
Parlors got stomped.
Build your own servers, bro.
Build your own giant computer farm servers.
Yeah.
Though I don't think they really want that.
They don't want that.
They don't want conservatives to have Amazon and Twitter and build your own.
You build it.
They're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We didn't mean that.
This is why the free market's horrible.
Soils.
All right.
Next story.
I just want to deal with science.
Okay.
Democrat-run states are now calling on the nation to follow the soils by doing what Florida did back in May.
Don't do lockdowns.
So, like, right before the inauguration.
Right here.
Like, you know what?
It was like they all got together in their Starbucks or wherever, all wherever the Democrat leadership is.
All the coffee bean and tea leaf, you know, kicking back.
Biden's about to become president.
The economy is going to look really bad.
You know, his policies kick in and everything's still locked down.
It's time to open up.
Yeah.
We got Trump out of office.
It's time.
Like, you know, I'm looking at the science and it's looking a little different.
Yeah.
Science is a different science than it was during Trump.
It's more or less Trump science.
It's a different science.
And yeah, so they're following what Republican states like Texas, Florida, and South Dakota.
So Dakota did months ago.
The weird thing is that now the pandemic, if you look at the official numbers, or I don't even know, but right now it's like the hugest spike of both cases and deaths.
Right.
And if you're going to say that it's, you know, if there was a time to open up, Florida made more sense to do it back in May than it does to do it now.
And you're like, no, it's absolutely the worst.
Now we open up.
And it's like, what?
It's so obvious.
It just, it feels like the thought is if we lock down 20%, that will prevent 20% of coronavirus deaths.
If we lock down, it's almost like, you know, you lock down 100%, but I don't think it works like that with the virus.
If it's out there, it's out there.
You can't just.
Unless you're going to literally have everybody completely isolated in their homes.
You need Cyberdyne Systems T-800s to deliver the food and to stomp anybody's skirts if they come out of their house.
And this also means you're not having people actually cover it with a mask.
This also means you're not actually having people producing any food because you can't have food.
Robots can.
Yeah, if you would have to have a big system of robots.
Yeah.
Because unless you're going to go 100% for everything, we need robots.
You can't half donkey this.
You can't half donkey.
You've got to full donkey.
If you full donkey, it'll work.
Right.
But you can't half donkey it.
And there's no way to do it unless you're willing to weld people into their apartments.
And some have done that.
Some very respectable countries have done that.
Right.
Like China.
Right.
Yeah.
I'm not knocking China.
I'm not knocking China.
We just want to say for the record that we are huge fans of China.
Huge fans.
And please don't do our YouTube channel.
And wontons are amazing.
Cream cheese wonton?
Crab wonton.
That's called a crab puff.
Oh, sir.
What is a wonton?
That is the material that creates a crab puff.
Like the outside part?
Yeah, the little square.
You fold the square over the crab and it becomes a crab puff.
A wonton is just, it's almost like a fried Chinese version of chips and salsa, I think, is you take the wonton, dip it in the sweet and sour.
But it's probably that's an American.
I do like that.
Yeah.
I do like that.
It's fried.
So the ontological definition of a wonton is fried square thing.
I don't know what it's made of.
Thin sheet of elasticky bready stuff that you fry.com.
What's like Newsom going to do?
I know.
Do you think he's going to be on board when they're having their big get-together?
And then he's like, guys, let's just back up on this.
Let's stop.
And then he's like, but come on, guys.
love chaining people's restaurants closed dude he loves that he's like i didn't even really when when he got voted in when newsom got voted in back in 2018 i think I didn't even know anything about him.
I didn't even really realize the governor changed because he'll think about the governor.
Who cares?
I'm living my life.
And now we think about him every day.
And he loves that.
Yeah.
I mentioned prancing down the street, like with a huge armload of bike locks, and he's just dancing to every door, doing a little pirouette.
Being governor was great.
Being governor.
Quick stuck by the hair gel store.
Did I tell you about my experience in Michigan?
Yeah, you just went to Michigan.
We tried to go to a restaurant at night, and there was a giant banner on the door, and it said, closed due to big bold letters, illegal activities.
By order of Governor Whitmer.
It says, by order of Governor Whitmer.
Gosh, that sounds like something out of like RoboCop.
It sounds freaky to me.
The fifth Harry Potter movie.
That's the only reference we millennials can.
Oh, I don't know.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, next story, eh?
A. Eh?
I picked that up in Michigan.
They say A, but not really.
That's Canada.
It's right out of this right over the river.
That's so close.
Yeah.
You can see it.
You can see it.
Eat it from your house.
Yeah.
But you can't go outside.
Just local Republican man Edward Chasney admitted Wednesday that he's starting to worry Trump might not actually pull off a last-minute 4D chess move to win the election.
It's not looking good.
Like he was hopeful.
Lose hope.
Do these people like hold out hope to like they're watching the clock get up to noon or whenever Biden was inaugurated like 1115 or whatever.
They're like watching and then here it comes.
They're watching like, here it comes.
Yeah, they're waiting for like, see if there's like a giant box somewhere on stage that Trump might pop out of.
Or a giant cake.
Yeah.
Or like the cup of water starts to ripple like in Jurassic Park and he comes up in his mech, you know.
Yeah, or like a rocket pack that comes flying in like Green Goblin at that parade.
Yeah.
And he's soaring in.
Biden.
Something like that.
It's possible that he's not pulling off a 4D chess move, which is part of his 5D chess strategy.
Oh, this is all part of the plan.
Could be at the end of Biden's presidency.
He rips off.
He's like, I was Trump all along.
Biden died long ago.
Face off.
So maybe the strategy is to win in 2024.
I'm going to give this one up so I can come back and win in 2024.
I don't know.
What happened to the kraken?
The kraken.
They kept saying release they were going to release the kraken.
What was that?
Maybe the kraken is not that, you know, it's kind of like if you saw a real Bigfoot, it probably wouldn't be as crazy as you think Bigfoot in your mind.
It looks, oh, it's just kind of a monkey.
Maybe the kraken was just kind of like, oh, it's just like a little bit more than a squid.
It's just not that interesting.
It's not that big of a deal.
So maybe it already happened and we were looking for something bigger.
It's true.
The kraken was released.
It just swam off into the ocean.
Well, I don't know.
Does my analogy work?
I think so.
Maybe she was just had like a huge Mexican meal.
She was just making a joke.
And then she had to everybody ripped a big one right there.
She goes, I'm going to release the Kraken.
Just you wait.
And she walks off and QAnon latches onto it.
And then she's stuck.
And she's like, Yeah, stupid.
I laugh this hard at our joke of my own.
You're turning red.
I know.
Crying.
So who wrote this?
My friend posted this picture the other day.
Yeah, I found this.
My friend, I think he took this picture.
This is Keep America Great.
Yeah, they put the whole, they got a whole like four foot by eight foot piece of plywood out and put these.
It's not over.
Trump won and reckoning is coming.
The mainstream media, Facebook, Twitter, and Google are censorship at its finest.
That's true.
Don't be sheep.
You have been lied to by the media for years.
They created the hatred.
Kind of true.
Kind of true.
Yeah.
I'm saying something's a no trespassing.
We don't call 911.
Represents the guy who I think is waiting for that 40 chest move.
Okay.
He's also got a picture of a revolver.
We don't call 911.
Just we're on camera and there's a camera on the board.
Oh, wow.
A little camera glued to it or something.
Does it like that?
Does it have motion?
Like you walk by and it goes and takes a picture or like turns the video on.
Like there's a higher tech way to do that.
Yeah.
Well, it's a higher tech way to do most of what's going on than like taping a Cool Pics camera onto your, you know, just get like print shop or something.
All right.
Well, the Kraken's coming.
Here it's still coming.
We still have time, right?
We had Mediterranean food for lunch, so yeah.
Kraken's coming.
Here comes the Kraken.
Oh boy.
All right.
Let's go on to our topic of the week.
And now the Babylon Bees Topic of the Week.
Ethan, how you holding up?
It's been hard.
It's been tough.
I don't know how I'm going to survive four years under this illegitimate presidency.
Yeah.
Not my president.
Not mine.
Not even a little bit.
Not even a.
Not even a half donkey.
Not even a jot or tittle.
Not one jot.
Neither of his tittles is my president.
Neither of his jots are mine.
Well, guys, it can be tough to live in a country where you don't like the president.
Very hard.
You have to remember to do a lot of self-care.
I don't even, I'm not 100% sure what self-care is, but I think it's like getting massages and stuff.
Maybe.
Yeah, buying like a Frappuccino.
Self-care, that stuff.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Cultivate good mental health practices.
It's going to be a long, dark four years.
Every waking moment will be a nightmare because, you know, you don't like the president.
Yeah.
And you have to think about him all the time.
Yeah.
So he's going to live rent-free in your head.
And what do we do?
For the next four years?
Like, I don't know where to look for, what do you do when you're going through that?
Yeah.
Well, has it been tried?
Well, luckily, our political friends on the left have been going through this for the past four years.
So we have a model to look to for what we should do to cope.
Right.
They've handled it with grace, class.
I mean, it's really like the embodiment of how to handle living in that kind of situation with just like really respectably.
Yeah.
They lost a lot of political battles over the last four years, but at least they kept their dignity.
Yeah.
Amen.
And so we'll look back on that and hopefully we can glean some wisdom for how to do to do this four years of hell we're in for.
So we talked to a bunch of leftists and we examined footage extensively from the past four years.
And we found 15 ways that you can cope when you don't like the president.
Perfect.
So let's go through these.
Put on a neon vest and shriek at the sky.
Do you want to do that with me right now?
Sure.
When you scream?
No.
Okay.
One, two, three.
No!
Is that good?
How's that feel?
I think you need to like breathe more first and you got to.
I don't want to do it again.
People probably shut the podcast off.
We rely on our sound editors.
You could accuse the president of colluding with a foreign adversary with no evidence while you yourself are sleeping with a Chinese spy.
I've never tried sleeping with a Chinese spy.
I don't even know.
There's probably like a dating app for that.
You could impeach him at least three times, even on the final week of his presidency.
Hey, why not go for four?
Just impeach all the time.
Yeah.
Impeach.
Right.
That was the four.
Oh, yeah.
Yep.
Yeah.
You got to go four.
Riot in every mage.
Riot in every major city, set fires, and loot for weeks on end for like six months.
But whatever you do, do not riot at the Capitol.
Right.
You got to, I mean, there's a line you have to draw somewhere when you're belligerently.
Right up to that line.
You can blow up the local pizzeria.
You can burn down low-income housing.
Steal a Lego set from Target.
Yeah.
Take a cheesecake if you want.
I don't care.
Yeah.
Don't riot at the Capitol.
Don't mess with the freaking Capitol.
That's right.
You never go full.
Never go full Buffalo Guy.
Never go full rioter.
Yep.
Riot.
Make every late night joke some variation of your president bad.
We need to start a bunch of conservative late night shows now.
Yeah.
And just have each of them every night, all night.
Yep.
Just be like, what would it be?
Old man bad, I guess.
Old man bad.
Old man bad.
His face is all tight.
So tight on his head.
Tight face, man.
I do imagine that Biden walks, this could be one of their jokes.
His face is like all kind of like hanging like these weird curtains, like a sharpe.
You've seen those dogs, a sharp dog?
Sure.
And then he like, right before he goes on stage, it's time to go on stage.
Get him on.
They're like hitting him with his medicine shots and then they like tie this neck back.
They get a big clamp.
And then he just goes up.
Hey, everybody.
I do notice he gets every word out with like maximum effort.
He's just trying to hold it down.
And when he raises his arm, you think there might be a wire there raising it up.
You can't tell.
You pause it.
There it is.
Wait a minute.
That's like the way the president said the Disneyland move.
You could have all comedians stop doing comedy.
Completely.
And instead spend every waking minute tweeting at the president with some sort of expletive laden braveheart speech.
Like it.
Yeah.
We need to get big authors in on this too, like get Stephen King or somebody to just write like just write like his novels are okay.
Like just write like super popular novels.
Right.
Great narratives, great story, great characters, and then get on Twitter.
Get off all that.
And then get on Twitter and just be like, oh, you go to do president, Pen.
Yeah, what was the one he said to Trump, which is brilliant.
Or he said it about.
Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving.
Or more like thanksgraving.
Yeah.
That's brilliant.
Poignant.
Compelling and rich.
You can immediately assume half the country is secretly Nazis.
It's always because you just have to put things into perspective so that there's more comfort in your life, safety.
So you just need to put in your head.
Everybody you see at Walmart, count them out.
Maybe there's like 38.
So like about 24 of those people.
Wait, bad math.
I can't do math.
15, 16, 20.
I don't know.
A little under 20 of those people are Nazis, secretly.
I'm bad at math.
And what's great about this technique is it's really good for your mental health.
Right.
Because it's called like Nazi vision therapy.
Yeah.
It's accepted.
I mean, Freud came up with it.
When dining out, scream at all the other diners that we now live under a dictator in between bites.
Between every bite.
So you take the bite.
Dictator, you know, it's a dictator.
Well, hang on.
You take the bite, then you put your mask back on.
Mask.
Then you scream.
Yeah, so it's mask on.
So it's bite, mask.
Mask off, bite, scream.
Oh, no, no, no.
You can't scream, put the mask on.
And you have to scream quieter than you speak.
Scream quieter than you speak.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm losing my place here.
It's all highlighted.
It's messing me up.
Where am I?
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
You let that out.
Make 12 months worth of hormonal birth control at once.
And what?
You got to say take.
Outtakes.
Take 12 months of work.
I said, I didn't even get this one.
Take 12 months worth.
Did you write this?
No.
Oh.
I think this was Joel Berry.
Take 12 months worth of hormonal birth control at once and scream into your camera.
More screaming.
More screaming.
You have to get the hormones will help you.
Oh, this is like the TikTok, like screaming deer.
So you need to be driving.
You know, it should be in your car, your parents' car.
Yeah.
While you're driving and you scream.
Okay.
Oh, yeah, I remember her.
It's like the, well, there's multiple.
There's a bunch of people that were doing that screaming on TikTok.
Just more screaming.
You can get a permanent face mask and have stay six feet away at all times, print it on it.
So it's like sewn on your face.
Yeah, surgical.
Perfect.
You could also just sew your eyes shut.
Because that will help you not have to stare at a world with this horrible president.
Do you really want to be able to see in a world where Joe Biden is president?
Disgusting.
Keep all of your friends and family that agree with you close enough to hear the echo in the room.
Echo chamber.
It's echo chamber joke.
Well, I know that, but I was trying to imagine how it worked out.
Get a chamber in your house that has an echo and it's very echoey.
And you can all together go in there.
And you got to scream at the sky.
And you're like, make sure to do a deep dive into every actor and musician's Twitter history to make sure they align perfectly with your views.
And if not, cancel them.
Leave the charge.
Well, I want to expand this too.
This isn't necessarily just for actors and musicians.
This is bakers.
Target cashiers.
Target cashiers, that's true.
Greeters at Walmart.
School janitors.
Shuckers.
Like oyster shuckers?
Yeah.
I just watched the Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Oh, no.
I thought it was a good obscure reference.
I like shuckers.
I don't even know what a shucker is.
I've learned it together.
And out of the shell, I don't know that was like a profession.
You also shuck corn.
I knew that, and so I thought it was about corn.
No, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Go ahead.
Shucks.
It's your turn.
Don't forget to embrace diversity as long as everyone still sees things exactly as you do.
So, right.
Keep the news on 24 hours a day.
Never leave the house.
Always be on Twitter.
Always be on your phone.
Make sure you know everything the president is doing at all times.
Don't let that man drink a milkshake without you knowing about it.
Not one drop.
Not one drop.
That will be our rallying cry for the next four years.
It's really important that anytime he tweets, you reply to that tweet.
Yeah.
You could actually make a whole career out of it.
Right.
You're going to be in trouble in four years if he's out of office.
But for that four years, you'll have a real asset stitch.
It's a good investment, though.
Yeah.
I like the reply guys.
Yeah, the reply guys.
You just look down their whole, that's their life.
There they are.
Same guys.
I'm sure Biden will have some of those.
There'll be a reply guys.
Oh, yeah, there'll be reply guys.
But I don't think it will be the same.
It won't be like people who have degrees and who are respected leaders of things.
It'll be a guy in a trailer somewhere in Kentucky.
But it won't be, you know, respected Harvard alumni.
I don't know.
So finally, weep uncontrollably until 2024.
This is probably the best tip of all, and it really sums them all up.
Whenever you're carrying out one of the other tips, weeping.
You're weeping the whole time.
This is synergistic.
All this comes, it all works in harmony.
In mysterious ways.
Yeah.
Let politics control your life.
That's the key here.
Right.
You want politics to control you every waking moment.
never want to think about anything other than the fact that joe they took it from me Your first vote ever.
They took it from me.
I'm sorry, God.
My first vote was a failure.
Conservatism, we didn't do the one joke about a safe space.
Or is that our second joke?
Safe space.
I've never counted that as one of the two jokes.
It is the identify as a.
A man identifies as an attack helicopter or whatever, fill in the blank.
The second one is, did you just assume my gender?
Oh, okay.
But yeah, there are more than two conservative jokes.
That's just the stereotypical two.
Right.
Yeah, we didn't do anything about having coloring books in your safe space or anything.
Identify.
Assure yourself that Trump has identified as president.
There, there's a joke.
There you go.
Identify as having Trump as your president.
Okay, hate mail.
I really miss Adam Ford.
So we, what are we talking about with Arminian?
When did we talk about Arminian?
Oh, when we did the thing about Arminians forming the throne room, the throne room of God.
The throne room.
Yeah, yeah.
So we explain.
I assume most of our listeners know the difference between Arminian and Armenian.
I'm not too sure.
About half of our guests on the podcast, when we say Calvinist, are Arminian.
That's true.
They think we say Armenian.
Yeah.
You want to fill them in?
Yeah.
So Calvinism is more on the side of God being sovereign and electing the old people.
People that were born in the country Calvinia.
Correct.
And then this is going to make it very race of people.
And then Arminians from the country of Armenia.
Right.
But there's also Arminians who are people that believe things that a guy named Jacobus said.
Arminians are more on the free will side of the predestination debate.
And there's a guy or not.
There's a guy named Jacobus Arminius.
Yay.
What?
Good job.
I'm just proud of you.
I just played them.
It's just a character.
It's just totally just a character.
So anyway, we did this article about the Arminians and Calvinists.
And Calvinists.
And Judith was not happy about this, and she sent us some hate mail.
So she says, you call yourself Christians, but wear your racism with pride.
The antithesis of being a Christian.
By the way, dum-dums.
I love dumb-dums.
I don't get called that anymore.
The Arminians were the moderates, and the Gomerians were the conservatives.
So you got that backward.
The Arminians did not attack the Capitol.
What are Gumerians?
But then you think your code words for white is right are really clever, but they are just plain obnoxious, not funny.
Anyone with half a brain can see your color chart for privileges monotone.
Monotone?
Isn't that a sound?
So she's weaving in a second Babylon B article where we said that Biden released the color chart for giving aid to businesses and it's the different skin tones that determine how much money you get.
Okay.
And so she then transitions.
Not in a sexual literature.
What does that mean?
It's monotone.
That feels deeper than I can perceive.
I'm thinking maybe she meant tone deaf?
Tone deaf.
Monotone.
That's not the same thing.
That's not.
But I think I want to read, maybe that's what she thought.
But tone.
That's not color.
Tone deaf is sound.
Monotone.
But monotone is sound too.
Yeah, I've only heard monotone in precious sound.
Maybe you could.
There is tone of color, I think.
Is there tone?
I think.
You're the artist, man.
There's saturation.
There's hue, saturation.
Yeah, color tones.
Yeah, tones, but is monotone a word that references color?
There's monochromatic color.
Yeah, it's a monotonicromatic.
So I don't think I'm good with monotonous.
Like monotonous, monotonous.
Anyway, I have no idea what Judith is talking about.
Sorry, Judith.
Gomerians, you don't know that?
Gamarians?
Is that something from I don't know what a Gomarian is.
Is that fun?
Oh, so maybe she's smarter than we are.
Or Thomas and the Mandalorian?
Sodom and Gomorrah maybe is what she's talking about?
No, so the opponents...
But the Armenians were in Sodom and Gomorrah too?
It's...
It's a theological term.
The opponents of the Arminians were the Gumerians, named after the theologian F. Gamaras.
Wait a minute.
Does she know more theologians?
She knows more than we do.
We do.
So she was on, she knew what we were talking about.
But I don't know what she's mad about still.
Yeah, I still have no idea what she's mad about.
So...
The Indians are the moderates.
No, Gumerians were the conservatives.
You got that backward.
So Gamaras.
Arminians did not attack the Capitol.
Well, we never said they attacked the Capitol.
They attacked the throne room of God, right?
I'm so confused.
So the Gumerians were Calvinists, according to Google.
So she says the Armenians were moderates.
The Gamerians were conservatives.
Oh, so she's saying it.
She just didn't get the joke.
She didn't, but I think she's saying, like, in the past, Armenians are moderates.
Gumerians, which are Calvinists, were the conservative ones.
So they would have been the one to attack the Capitol.
But it's a whole joke as a play on the word election.
And the Americans are mad about election.
It's a stupider joke than she thinks it is.
I think she's giving us too much credit when she read our joke.
Right.
That's going to be it.
Well, if you guys like hate mail, we're going to go into our subscriber portion where we're going to read some hate mail.
Bonus hate mail.
I'm going to talk about my trip to Michigan where I met with the other Babylon B owners and we had a good time.
And we are going to do some mailbag and we are going to read some headlines from subscribers.
If you want to join the subscriber lounge, you got to subscribe.
Indeed.
Thanks for joining us this week, everybody.
Thank you for joining us.
And remember, scream at the sky.
Weep uncontrollably for four years straight.
Coming up next for Babylon B subscribers.
I mean, I rail on Kyle every time.
Oh, every time I tell you every joke or a Chick-fil-A joke, and he's like, oh, no Chick-fil-A joke.
Tell you if you need if you need a pastor.
Do we want to hire a staff pastor?
Like, we just have a guy sitting over here.
That's our staff.
He's our spiritual advisor.
You folks are completely funked in the head, or you are committing, aiding, and abetting treason.
Biden, most popular?
Who the funk?
Do you think you are kidding?
Keep your eyes on the ball, a-holes.
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