Puppy Murder/Threatening Riots/Weird Bible Stories News Show 9.18.2020
This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 9/18/2020. In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's biggest stories like how Netflix is putting out films to show how bad something is by having actors do that thing, Democrats are threatening chaos and death if they don't get their way in November, and a woman is marrying a tree. Kyle and Ethan do a rundown of the most weird stories of the Bible and come up with great band names like Stabbing Eglon. Introduction Welcome to The Babylon Bee, the only podcast on the internet where two pasty white guys tell you what they think about politics. Kyle has a church visit horror story. Stuff That's Good Kyle LOVES They Shall Not Grow Old - 2018 documentary by Peter Jackson featuring restored and colorized footage of World War I. No narrator, no framing, no commentary, just audio of actual World War I vets over the footage. Very few historical details, just the soldiers' experiences. An incredibly moving film. Ethan likes Norm MacDonald's Based On a True Story Audiobook. BEARS WANT TO KILL YOU IS BACK Weird News Zoo's sloths appear to kiss on camera in first encounter Watch: Bear nudges Massachusetts man napping by backyard pool Man beats his own record after sitting in tub of ice for over two hours Man breaks into home and poops in dishwasher 'Tropical' bird turns out to be a seagull someone dyed electric blue Mum-of-two who married a tree celebrates their first wedding anniversary Virginia man gets permission to be buried in Juicy Fruit-themed casket Stories of the Week New Netflix Movie Actually Murders Puppies To Teach That Murdering Puppies Is Bad Democrats Reveal They Have Planted Dynamite All Around Nation And Will Blow It Up If Biden Isn't Elected Summary: Democrats are offering their most persuasive case yet for Biden's election claiming that 'A Vote for Trump is a vote for more violence'. They said if Biden is not elected president they will detonate a series of explosives and millions will die. From Shadi Hamid at the Atlantic "A loss by Joe Biden under these circumstances is the worst case not because Trump will destroy America (he can't), but because it is the outcome most likely to undermine faith in democracy, resulting in more of the social unrest and street battles that cities including Portland, Oregon, and Seattle have seen in recent months. For this reason, strictly law-and-order Republicans who have responded in dismay to scenes of rioting and looting have an interest in Biden winning—even if they could never bring themselves to vote for him." Academy Strips 'Schindler's List' Of Best Picture Award Due To Lack Of Diversity Summary: Schindler's List is considered to be one of the greatest films about the holocaust and man's ability to do good in the midst of evil-- well until now. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences recently ruled that films without representation from LGBTQ+ characters, people of color, and other oppressed groups would not be eligible to win Oscars. Sorry Schindler's List! According to The Academy's new Best Picture rules—which go into full effect in 2024—films must meet at least two of four new standards that stipulate roles both onscreen and behind the scenes be filled by people from underrepresented groups, including race, women, LGBTQ and people with cognitive or physical disabilities, including the deaf and hard of hearing. Who says they decide what the best picture is? "You can't be the best unless you follow our rules" sounds like playground talk. Among the critics was actress Kirstie Alley, who didn't mince words: "The new RULES to qualify for 'best picture' are dictatorial…anti-artist…Hollywood you're swinging so far left you're bumping into your own a**." It's almost as if the racists are suggesting the criteria for best picture should be that it was a picture and it was the best one. Movies are one of the great ways to see into another culture and understand them better. Cultures should get their own films. Topic of the Week: Weird Bible Stories There are a ton of beautiful, inspiring stories in the Bible. We all know about those ones. But there's also a lot of weird stuff. Some nasty stuff too. The Bible shows us a true picture of reality, including the sad and horrific stuff, as well as the bizarre stuff no one can explain. Why do you think we shy away from telling these stories? Why do you think they're in the Bible? Jael and the Tent stake (Judges 4:9-22) Elisha and the she-bears (2 Kings 2:23-24) Balam's talking donkey (Numbers 22:21-39) Stabbing Eglon (Judges 3:12-30) Ezekiel baking bread over poo (Ezekiel 4:9) God tells prophet Hosea to marry the prostitute Gomer (Hosea 1) Nebuchadnezzar cursed to eat grass for 7 years (Daniel 4) Elijah mocking the prophets of Ba'al- "Maybe your god is on the toilet!" (1 Kings 18) Guy who fell asleep during a sermon and fell out the window (Acts 20:7-12) Actually did a Bee article about this Paul resurrected him! Jesus letting the demons go into the herd of pigs (Luke 8:26-39) Jesus curses the fig tree (Mark 11:12-25) Hate Mail We always get great hate mail. Enjoy our latest animation: Better Cops! (Also watch it here on our YouTube channel and SUBSCRIBE!) Subscriber Portion Kyle and Ethan dive into the mailbag to answer questions from subscribers about tattoos and reading books. To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans.
Welcome to the Babylon Be, the only podcast on the internet where two pasty white guys tell you what they think about politics.
I'm Kyle Mann, pasty white guy number one.
And I take pastiness and whiteness to a whole new level.
I'm Ethan Nicole.
We just had to get our new lights set up, and we had to do all these special considerations to make sure that Ethan wasn't just this glowing, brilliant pile of mashed potatoes.
Ball of light.
With hair in it.
Or mashed potatoes.
That works too.
I was thinking more like Moses with the afterglow when he comes down from viewing the glory of God and he's got to wear the veil over his face.
Hmm.
Maybe you need a veil.
Or a marshmallow man.
You know what we need more of in our society is veils.
Veils?
I'm very sad that veils have gone out of style.
Like people walking around with sheets over their face?
And like thin, like you can kind of make them.
Muslims?
Oh, yeah.
I guess it's just that.
We need more Muslims.
Or those ninja.
But they don't have like a veil.
What about those ninjas that have the hanging?
They're like Egyptian ninjas or something.
I don't know.
I'm not good at my ninology, but I know that there's different kinds.
We need to get an expert ninjologist on this podcast.
We do.
I heard that you had a crazy church story.
I did.
Horror story.
Yeah, so I had mentioned how I had visited a church and liked it and was all right.
I brought the whole family the following week.
Oh, you went alone?
I went alone the first time.
I'm checking this out, guys.
I scoped it out.
The real issue right now is that all churches have like all their children's ministry closed, all their youth ministries closed.
Sometimes they're meetings, sometimes they're not.
So it's hard to church shop right now, as I am, because I just moved to a new area.
It's hard to do it because like only a handful of the churches are even open.
So I went to make sure that they had, you know, stuff that, especially our four-year-old, he's the one that he cannot sit still for a service.
Right.
Our older boys, they're fine.
They can sit down in the service.
I even like it, you know, like having them in there with us.
Four-year-old, he's not going to hang in there.
So they had everything open.
It was like, oh, this will work for us.
Oh, they had children's service?
They did.
They had fully open everything.
We finally got everybody ready.
This is the first time we've gone to church as a family in six months.
We're excited.
Like, this is Sunday morning.
Yeah.
You know, it's just like, yes, a return to normalcy.
Not the new normal, the old normal.
Good old normal.
Good old normal.
Make America normal again.
Making, yeah, and not this new normal.
So we got everybody ready, which is, you know, that's a hurdle on Sunday mornings.
We showed up like right at the time the service started, maybe, maybe a minute or two late.
And we got out of the car, walked up to the children's ministry, started, you know, okay, hi, we're new.
This is you were visiting.
This is my four-year-old.
And they're like, oh, our four-year-old class is full.
Oh, no.
And we're like, full.
And we just stared and they're like, but your other two boys, yeah, they're great.
Come on in.
And we're like, well, hang on.
Like, we have the four-year-old.
That's not going to fly.
Yeah.
Like, I'm the first one to like families together in church.
Four-year-old, that's not going to happen.
And I'm like, well, we're going to have to leave if there's nothing for the four-year-old.
I'm not trying to be a Karen here, right?
I'm not trying to complain to the manager or anything, but I'm like, I'm sorry.
We just really would need something for the four-year-old.
And she's like, well, show up earlier next time.
Why don't you be like, oh, actually, he's 12.
Yeah.
Did I say four?
We could put a little false mustache on it.
He has a mental medical condition where he looks much younger and he's a little more immature.
But it was bizarre to me.
This, like, just like, no, show up earlier.
And my wife, my wife.
Standards.
You know, my wife.
I've met her.
She doesn't stand for this.
Really?
Okay, I want to hear this.
Well, she just, she's like, I'm sorry.
We have three kids.
We're not going to make it on time.
She's like, we're leaving.
And we like.
So you didn't even go to church.
We didn't get to go to church.
Oh, man.
We drove around town, tried to find other ones that were open.
Nothing.
That's the worst coasting by slowly.
So it's just my whole day was just shopping.
Did they look weird?
Yeah.
No, we did actually.
We found one that we think was open, and we went by and we're like, it was kind of small.
There's a few cars in the parking lot.
We're like, oh, we're not going to do that.
Just, yeah.
I always look to see if there might be a cult.
Usually the more words that a church has in the name, the more likely it is to be a cult.
Yeah, each word is more cult.
God temple, apostolic revelation of the second dispensation.
Yeah.
Second, third.
Yeah, you got all the revised, reformed cornerstone.
If there's animals in there, community, collective.
The tiger of the tiger king.
The tiger god lion.
The animals of the second apostolic.
The animals that did give away.
Yeah, you don't want animals in your church name.
I can't think of a single good church name that has an animal.
Fire.
It could be a good church if there's fire in the church name, but it's iffy.
Apostolic Temple of the Lion of the Tribe of Judah.
Of the flaming Bible.
It used to be a church in my own town.
It might still be there.
It was called Church of the Open Bible or whatever.
And there's a picture.
There's a Bible and then just massive flames shooting out of the Bible in this little town.
It's awesome.
I don't know if that's conveying the message that you think it is.
So I had a crazy morning.
I woke up to, well, I was trying to get ready to get here.
And the first thing that my children tell me is I come in and go, Dad Calvin has poop in his butt.
He's got a just mess of poop.
So I would clean that up.
And in the middle of cleaning that, my wife goes, did you notice the dog barfed everywhere?
There's multiple piles of dog vomit in our bedroom.
So then I'm like trying to clean that.
I managed to get out of the house.
And then Calvin is on a roll today.
He found this.
My uncle got me one of these chunks of gold that is supposed to go up in value, but you have to keep it in the package.
He totally tore it open.
It says on there, like, it says right on the package, like, it's imperative that you do not remove the gold from its packaging.
Why would that have to do with the value?
It's weird, right?
But apparently it's imperative.
It's in all caps.
And then, so then he was because my wife's diabetic.
She got into his machine today and like ripped all the stuff out, all the little tabs.
And then it just like, this stuff's expensive.
So he's on a roll today.
So you're getting texts that we need to like put him in a cage.
The dog or the kid?
The kid.
Yeah, the dog vomit was bonus.
So your house is just like, you can't even tell where the kid poop starts and the dog.
Yeah, it's all.
It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.
So yeah.
All right.
Some stuff that's good.
Let's talk about some stuff that's good.
Two horror stories.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
All right.
This is usually on our notes.
We say, Kyle likes, but I put Kyle loves.
On all caps.
Because I had a transcendent experience this week.
I watched Peter Jackson's They Shall Not Grow Old.
I saw this.
There was not a dry eye on my couch, even though I was the only one sitting there.
There's not a dry eye in your skull in my school.
There was not a dry eye.
So this is a 20.
Eyes are usually, if your eyes are dry, you got problems.
That's true.
You're probably blind.
There wasn't a dry cheekbone on my couch and my skull.
So, this is a 2018 documentary by Peter Jackson featuring restored and colorized footage of World War I.
So, you know how if you go look at footage from the turn of the century, it's like they walk all fast because it was filmed like 13 frames a second or something.
The guy winding it.
Yeah.
So, you watch World War I and you're like, oh, I want to see some footage of World War II.
Oh, it's silly and fun.
So, he basically took that and slowed it down to look like they smoothed it some like cinema magic.
They use digital smoothing techniques.
They actually hired actors to like reenact the scenes.
Yeah, lip readers read all the everything everybody's saying these things because there's no audio.
There's no audio in the original footage.
And so they had lip readers guess what someone was saying, and then they would have voice actors read it.
And so you actually, I mean, it and the best thing about it to me is that there's no narrator, so there's no framing of the issues.
And there's actually like no historical details.
It's just World War I veterans talking for two hours over this footage.
And it was, I mean, it was honestly just to put yourself in the shoes.
I think it's one of the best anti-war movies ever made just because it shows you these kids who are 15.
You know, when I was at least the reality of war.
The reality.
Yeah.
But I think the reality and the horrors of war often turn towards that anti-war site.
But yeah, it wasn't anti-war in the sense that there was an agenda.
I mean, it was just, let's just show you what war is.
And so you hear these guys talk about when the war started, and it's like, it was like we were going on a holiday.
You know, it's like, oh, yeah, I'm going to go out with my buddies and hang out on the war.
And then as it goes on, the horrors become more and more real, you know, over this footage of the war.
And it was just, it was just fantastic.
Incredibly moving.
They shall not grow old.
I think it's on HBO for free if you have HBO.
But yeah, you can check it out.
For free, but you pay for it.
For totally free for 15 bucks a month.
Yes, I agree that that is a movie everybody should see.
Mine is not as uplifting, and not everybody should engage in this.
But for fans of Norm McDonald, or I am a hardcore Norm McDonald fan.
He's a comedian, the greatest comedian.
And he wrote a book, but I'm recommending his audiobook because he reads it.
It's called Based on a True Story because it is his life story, but he's woven in like many, many lies in the only way that Norm McDonald could do.
Where you're like, this can't be true.
His leg got cut off.
Yeah, you know how your house is like, you can't tell where the poop starts and the vomit begins.
That's how this book is.
It's like, wait, this sounds really plausible.
And then all of a sudden, this crazy stuff happens.
He has like alternating chapters where the ghostwriter of the book is like regretting his life and how he wanted to be this great author, but now he's writing this stupid book for this B-graded comedian or whatever.
And he's trying to be all deep.
And it's just like one of those audiobooks that's an experience in itself.
And he has one joke in the audiobook, which you can look this joke joke up on YouTube, but the best telling of the joke is definitely in the audiobook because he goes, it's one of the longest jokes ever.
It's called the moth joke.
And it has probably one of the dumbest punchlines ever, but it's so funny when he gets to it.
It's just one of the funniest jokes ever told.
So anyway, I will say, if you like audiobooks and with warning that it's Norm McDonald's, so it's not going to be, you know, totally clean, he says offensive things sometimes.
Just assume anything Ethan recommends has this warning on it.
And I have listened to much of this audiobook and it was quite good.
All right.
You didn't finish it, huh?
Yeah.
Well, other things that are good, in part, big thanks to our CEO Seth.
He helped me out with getting a second printing going of Bears Want to Kill You, my book.
So it's out.
Finally, I ran out of them.
I sold out.
So we have the paperback.
And then this is a quality paperback.
Look at this.
It has French flaps.
Wow.
Foil stamp.
And then the fancy pants edition with the slip case hardcover fold out guide of bear attacks.
Oh, wait.
Oh, yeah, it's right there.
It's awesome.
So I'm selling this.
You can only get the hardcover on my website.
The softcover is on my website and also on Amazon.
But you can even get me to do a drawing in it.
What do you think, Kyle?
I'm a big fan of Bears Want to Kill You.
I brought home the copy that you gave me or one of the copies you gave me and my kids immediately took off with it.
And I have no idea where it is because they were just reading it and cracking up.
Their favorite joke in the whole book was about peeing in the bear, peeing on the bear from the tree branch.
Trying to make it into its eyes because their eyes are so small, it's like a little challenge.
Yeah.
So that's their favorite joke.
If you look at a bear, their eyes are tiny.
It's bizarre.
They also like the elbow drop thing.
Yeah.
So that section.
Yeah.
So that's a huge recommendation for my kids.
Yeah, it's a book that you...
I try to make a book that you can flip to any page and laugh.
So you don't have to read cover to cover.
It's a good bathroom reader, just something to throw on the coffee table.
It's a good book if you don't like to read.
Yeah, exactly.
I'm actually a huge fan of Bears Want to Kill You.
And Kyle even contributed and Frank Fleming did a comedy pass on it for me.
So there's a few jokes and both of them in there.
Absolutely.
Bears want to kill you.
Check it out.
XBearStory.com.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
Let's do some weird news.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
Zoo sloths appear to kiss on camera in first encounter.
So this is their first encounter with each other.
They've never even seen each other and suddenly they just like sloth over to each other and just start making out.
So were they on sloth Tinder?
I don't know.
Yeah.
Slother?
It's like sloth with an R at the end.
There's a real problem in the sloth community.
This promiscuity.
Very promiscuous.
Yeah.
I think we need to get back to the old values.
Back in my day, sloths would court.
Yeah.
Well, I'm thinking sloth moves so slow that maybe like it took them not long enough to get to each other that by the time they were close enough, they'd already solidified like a mature, responsible relationship based on mutual goals, compatible values.
All the courting was done.
Yeah, you could probably have a several hour long DTR define the relationship for the non-homeschoolers.
I didn't know that one.
And in that few hours while they're...
Yeah, must-haves, can't-stands, do the whole eHarmony test.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then finally, you're like, yep.
At the Bible college I went to, we had.
That gets rid of all the temptation of when you're sitting next to each other and you're trying to get away from 30.
Yeah, at the Bible college I went to, we had these DTRs.
It was like a guy and a girl like hanging out a lot.
They're sitting next to each other in the cafeteria a lot, but it's like, what are we?
That's not the thing Joe Rogan's always talking about.
No, that's DMT.
That's something different.
But they're just as addictive.
You ever try a DTR?
Do wait, was it?
Do not resuscitate?
What's DTR?
That's not even the same initials.
DTR.
It's close.
Define the relationship.
Define the relationship.
He's like, what are we?
What are we?
What is this?
Oh, yeah.
It's like, is this a fling?
Is this like a one-night stand?
And it always took place at Panera Bread for some reason.
I don't know what it was.
Christians like Starbucks and Panera Bread.
Yeah, it's like, you want to have a Bible study?
Panera.
Panera Bread's smart because they, without really saying it, they're like, yeah, we're going to make it look kind of Bible-y.
A little bit.
Yeah, and the text is kind of like papiracy.
Yeah.
It looks like, you know, that it looks like in the genre of things Christians should do.
Yeah, the Panera Bread font could be on the front of like a 30-day devotional.
Right.
Or it could be Panera Bread.
And the bread could be the, yeah, the bread.
So I wonder if people have ever gone into Panera Bread trying to worship.
Like, you guys open this Sunday?
Oh, it's a Panera bread.
There's a video that just came out of a bear nudging a Massachusetts man napping by his backyard pool.
Now, it's the video that's worth watching.
Yeah, you got to watch the video.
The guy is just chilling on the pool, and the bear, the black bear, just walks up and just kind of nudges his toes.
This guy wakes up to a bear standing there.
Goodness.
And he just kind of like freezes.
Now, I've heard it said, if it's brown, lie down.
If it's black, fight back.
So maybe he should have just kicked it in the face.
I don't know.
That seems like a big gamble.
You're like, you know what?
I'm going to start punching it.
So it's a black bear?
It's a black bear, I believe.
But yeah, this is where it's just funny to put yourself in that guy's place and watch that video.
Why is he filming himself sleeping by the pool?
That's what I was trying to figure out.
He just set a tripod up.
Well, I think I'll sleep by the pool.
Must be fake.
Could be.
Now, a lot of, we're getting a lot.
We're getting a lot better footage nowadays for this kind of thing because more people have the ring cameras or this or that.
So maybe it's something like that.
Yeah, I didn't look.
I'm not sure on the angle.
I didn't look in.
Yeah, it looked really specific.
Man beats his own record after sitting in tub of ice for over two hours.
That's...
I bet he thinks he's really cool.
Cool.
Cool.
Man breaks into home and poops in dishwasher.
Logical.
He didn't steal anything.
He specifically broke into the home, walked over to the dishwasher, which was open, and then defecated onto the open lid of the dishwasher.
And then left.
So the dishwasher that like opens like this?
Yeah, it's like sitting out.
The unnamed trespasser entered the home through a sliding glass door between 1 and 8.15 a.m. Sunday while residents were asleep.
So people are sleeping, according to a report filed Monday.
The poopy perp didn't actually steal anything, but instead defecated on the open dishwasher door before leaving the residence.
Anyone with information on the turd burglar is urged to contact Constable John Hunt because this happened in Canada.
Constable.
Was that a real sentence?
Those are all from the actual.
Yeah, no, those are all from the actual news story.
Turdburglar.
I just wanted to be able to say turd burglar.
That sounds like a great band name.
Yeah, the wheels are turning.
We need to draw a comic or something to the turd burglar.
I feel like we could have a whole series of kids novels.
Is it kind of burglary if you just walk in and poop?
You know, all those kids' things are like, they're all big on the poop humor.
Like I think, like the poop diaries or the poop burger.
Yeah, yeah.
This or that.
We could do the turd burglar series.
Turdburger.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
Turdburger.
Look out for turd burglar coming this fall.
Tropical bird turns out to be a seagull.
Someone died electric blue.
These people saw this majestic blue bird and they're like, and I guess it was kind of walking around dazed.
It looked like it was in trouble.
So they called the RSPCA, which is in Britain, Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
And then there's like, oh, it's just a dyed blue seagull.
It sounds like a wacky Disney movie or something, like a seagull who has to compete in a competition, but really wanted to be a tropical bird, but he has to paint himself blue first.
Have you ever seen Follow That Bird?
Is it like that?
No, these carnival guys kidnap Big Bird from Sesame Street.
And I don't know if it's, I don't actually ever understand why they paint him blue, but it shows him with a blue paintbrush.
And then suddenly, clearly, he's just in blue lights.
It's like a blue-colored big bird.
I guess it's like to be like he's a giant blue bird because a giant yellow bird is not weird enough.
So he used to be a freak show.
So they paint him blue.
So I don't know if it's something like that.
Well, painting seagulls with a giant cartoon paintbrush.
Mother of two who married a tree celebrates their first wedding anniversary.
Wow.
So she married a tree.
And then to celebrate her anniversary, she left her boyfriend at home.
So wait a minute.
See, this is what throws me off when you marry a tree.
You can have a boyfriend and nobody even reacts.
Nobody goes, hey, you got married.
You can't just have a boyfriend at home.
The boyfriend has a boyfriend.
Oh, she has a boyfriend now?
She has a boyfriend.
Yeah, she.
Am I wrong?
No, yeah, I think you're right.
She has a boyfriend, and the tree doesn't care.
Oh, no, that's what I wrote.
I'm quoting myself.
Her name's Kate Cunningham.
She changed her surname to Elder when she and the Elder Tree tied the knot.
She said the pair are more loved up than ever, and they have no plans to divorce.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that she's crazy.
I really think she needs to leave him.
I can't.
I don't know why my pun muscle.
The pun game is off, man.
I'm just going to leave it at that.
She made her decision.
She needs to stick to it.
Stick.
Okay, I'm going to branch out to the next one.
It's my turn.
It's your turn.
Go ahead.
Virginia Man gets permission to be buried in juicy fruit-themed casket.
How do you have to get permission?
Oh, from the Mars Wrigley Company to have his casket painted to resemble a pack of the chewing gum.
But like, wouldn't you just do it?
Yeah, you'd think, what are they going to stop it?
What are they going to do?
Exhume that body.
That's our copyright.
That's our casket.
Apparently, this guy loved this stuff.
Like, he would hand out this gum to everybody, juicy fruit.
He's like, he always had tons of packs of it.
Isn't it weird to be like, now you will think of my rotting corpse inside of a box of this stuff as you chew on it?
Ruin juicy fruit for everybody.
Juicy fruit is so disappointing.
Is it?
Like, it's just, it's got such promise.
It smells so good.
That first bite is like, oh, man, this is good stuff.
Then it turns into like you're chewing on two fights later.
It's like, this is terrible.
Yeah.
I don't know why you would want to be buried in a juicy fruit casket.
What would your casket be?
Man.
I was thinking mine would just be a big to-go container because I like DoorDash.
You know, those cartridges with a side of ranch, a couple sides of ranch.
Yeah.
I always get a couple sides of ranch because I'm American.
Well, I don't think he has the actual food, right?
It's just the casket looks like it.
So you wouldn't have the actual ranch sides.
Yeah.
Well, juicy fruit doesn't come with a side of ranch, but if it did, he'd probably want it.
I guess I'd be wrapping it.
It's worth trying, dipping it in ranch.
I'd be wrapping like a burrito.
I'd be wrapping up.
That would probably rot fast.
But I guess it's underground.
Nobody cares.
Yeah.
So.
Good idea.
Yeah.
Well, the news was pretty weird this week.
Very strange.
Let's go to some real stories from the Babylon Beat.
Every week, there are stories.
These are some of them.
Hot on the heels of Cuties, a movie that sexualizes young girls in order to send a powerful message that sexualizing young girls is bad.
Netflix has released a new movie called Puppy Murder, which is just two hours of the filmmakers murdering puppies.
To make the point that murdering puppies is bad.
Stunning and brave.
I don't know.
What do you think, Ethan?
I was skeptical of the film at first.
I was like, you know, you go into documentaries, you know, they're going to have a bent or whatever.
They're going to have their own message.
But as soon as I saw the bias, yes, the steamroller going over all the puppies, it was a powerful moment.
And I realized killing puppies is really bad.
Yeah, I cried at that part.
I mean, it was sad that these.
Both of my eyes were wet.
My cheekbones were just soaked.
My eyes are always wet, but they're wetter at that moment.
Yeah.
Because if your eyes are dry, that's weird.
Yeah, if your eyes are dry, you're probably a husk of a man in a field somewhere who was murdered long ago.
Crows are pecking them out as we speak.
And you're in a Wrigley gum casket.
But yeah, you know, I see these puppies being murdered, and I'm like, yeah, it's sad that these puppies were actually murdered.
Right.
But now I realize that it's bad.
The scales fell.
The scales fell from my eyes.
Right.
Your eyes are really wet right now.
I know they are.
Let's start talking about human rights or whatever.
The puppies are.
My eyes are very watery and I did you there.
My eyes are always watery.
So following the success of QDs and Puppy Murder, Netflix has announced a whole slew of films based on this premise of doing the very thing the movie is criticized for to send a message.
Or the very thing the movie is criticizing to send a mess.
So the first one that they're releasing after QDs and Puppy Murder is War is Bad.
A movie where the director drops a nuke on Fresno, California to show everybody the horrors of war.
Another one they're going to do is Cigarettes Are Destroying Our Youth.
It's an innovative take on the documentary genre when the filmmakers force children to smoke thousands of cigars to show how bad it is for their health.
This one could backfire.
They might really enjoy that.
That's true.
They should really do cigarettes instead.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Orphan Puncher.
That sounds like a superhero movie.
Orphan Puncher.
Starring Kevin Sorbo.
Well, I guess all of Batman's enemies are orphan punchers, right?
Probably a lot of the guys that Batman beats up are orphans because they have tragic lives that led to a life of crime.
Yeah, because Batman always punches down.
He just attacks these impoverished millionaire punching poor people.
Sad.
So there's a movie on Netflix called Orphan Puncher.
It's a unique take exposing orphans' struggles as the director walks up and just punches orphans.
Just a POV punch.
Yeah.
The Third Reich, a powerful new film where the directors conquer all of Europe to expose the horrors of the Nazi regime.
That's powerful.
In case you're wondering.
Yeah.
Super Size Me.
This is where a man eats nothing but fast food for a month to prove that eating only fast food for a month is bad.
I think that actually got made.
That's right.
Or it's already out.
Oh, okay.
I scratched that one.
Sorry.
Next.
And then Anvil Dropper.
It's a fun new hidden camera series that drops anvils on unsuspecting passersby to expose the violence of children's classic cartoons.
So should we really be laughing at anvils dropping on people?
There's a lot of violence in the old cartoons, and I'm glad they're finally exposing that.
Convicted.
Like, have you seen the preview for this movie?
There's just anvils crushing unsuspecting people.
Yeah, right in the trailer.
We laughed.
We laughed at this as children.
Yeah.
And as those people bleed out on the pavement, I realized how wrong I was.
Powerful.
Yeah.
Wasn't there like a boxing trope where like the, or it's just, I mean, it's a skit that's in a cartoon or like a Chapman film where I think it's a cartoon where it's like, no eye gouging.
And he's like gouging the guy's eyes.
And he's like, no choking.
And he's choking the guy.
I feel like maybe the old Mickey Mouse ones with Goofy doing the baseball thing.
Oh, yeah, the baseball thing.
Yeah.
I thought it was a boxing match.
I could be wrong.
Oh, I'm sure that comments.
And you can think of the cartoon I'm thinking of.
Comment it.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, let's move on to our next story.
All righty.
Democrats are offering their most persuasive case yet for Biden's election, claiming that a vote for Trump is a vote for more violence.
Because they said if Biden is not elected president, they will detonate a series of explosives and millions will die.
So they've got dynamite strapped to the Statue of Liberty, Lincoln Memorial, orphanages, bridges, hospitals, every Starbucks, preschools.
A lot of work.
They have dynamite all over the nation.
And all the wires of the dynamite are all going right to Nancy Pelosi's house, and she's sitting there with a giant plunger.
She's got the big plunger.
She probably needs help pushing that down.
That's true.
But plunger technology has come a long way.
Has it?
Yeah.
It's a Bluetooth plunger.
It's probably a digital or like a wireless at this point.
Like, hey, Siri, plunger.
Yeah.
Oops, I made the Siri go off.
Those plungers were a real thing, right?
Like they actually used to do that, like in the they didn't make that up for cartoons.
They're like, what's your cartoon?
Plunger.
Yeah.
We just need shorthand for blowing something up.
They'd actually do it.
Yeah.
So this is a real story.
Yeah, the dynamite.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, kind of.
Kind of.
It's an allegory.
Correct.
It's satire.
It's satire.
Which is a humorous article that exaggerates the real thing to make a point.
I saw this.
I saw this article on The Atlantic.
This guy named Shadi Hamid.
Shadi Hamid?
Shadi.
And I swear when I shared it, the headline was different.
And then my tweet with the article on it was gone or the link was gone.
And I think they changed the headline because they had like, it was like showed hard.
I noticed they do that a lot.
Change headlines all the time.
The basis of it was like Republicans have an interest who are law and order.
Republicans have an interest in voting for Biden because if they don't, Democrats will go even more insane than you've ever seen or something like that.
It's like this threat.
Like, if you don't date me, I will murder myself.
You will find my corpse at your doorstep.
I just, it's such a Joker thing.
Yes.
Like this Batman villain that's that's a nice country you got there.
It'd be a shame if someone blew it up.
Yeah.
So here's what Shadi said at the Atlantic.
A loss by Joe Biden under these circumstances is the worst case.
Not because Trump will destroy America, he can't, but because it is the outcome most likely to undermine faith in democracy, resulting in more of the social unrest and street battles that cities including Portland, Oregon, and Seattle have seen in recent months.
For this reason, strictly law and order Republicans who have responded in dismay to scenes of rioting and looting have an interest in Biden winning, even if they could never bring themselves to vote for him.
It's a bizarre argument, isn't it?
Like if you're in favor of law and order, which would mean you're in favor of law in order to stop rioters and looters and stuff, right?
But the argument is vote for the guy who's not going to get them so upset or something, I guess.
Vote for us or the country gets it bumped.
That's basically what it comes down to, right?
It's bizarre.
Did you want to see a man drink an entire bottle of Tabasco sauce trying to impress a woman?
Yeah, I thought I was thinking about this because I'm trying to find the connection.
This is on the notes.
I don't know what the connection is here.
Just how psycho it is.
Like, if you're, if you think that, like, that's a good way to, like, a good pickup line is like, uh, you know, if you won't love me, I will wear your skin on my face or something.
Like, you know, like, you're not going to find true love if you're a psycho and you're threatening violence.
It's a quotable.
It's a weird connection, but I saw this guy who once is another bad idea for how to win somebody over.
He was at a restaurant.
We were at a restaurant late.
And for some reason, he thought there's two guys and there was a girl and the girl was next to one guy.
And the guy across from her was obviously trying to impress her.
But the guy next to her was doing a better job.
She was more into him.
He basically said, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
I'll drink a bottle of Tabasco sauce for you right now.
And he chugged the entire bottle of Tabasco sauce with his mouth.
And immediately after, he started vomiting violently.
And he like filled the bathroom with Tabasco vomit.
And it smelled so strong of like stomach ass and Tabasco.
And yeah, so it didn't work.
I don't think he and her ended up.
That's not their story.
They tell their kids, like, how did you guys meet?
He chugged a bottle of Tabasco for me, and I couldn't resist him after that.
This guy, he's got some willpower.
Yeah.
He's a real go-getter.
How does Tabasco sauce compare, Tabasco sauce vomit compare with Calvin poop mixed with dog vomit?
The dog vomit didn't have too strong of a smell.
I held my breath, but sometimes like Tabasco, even if you hold your breath, you can like taste it in the air and you feel it in your pores.
It's just so acidic.
Tabasco vomit?
Yeah.
Specifically?
It's so vinegary.
Because usually you get Tabasco in little doses.
You don't get an entire bottle vomited out.
So did you see the Tabasco vomit?
Yeah, it was pink.
It was everywhere.
He needed to use the bathroom.
He covered the bathroom.
Gotcha.
So that's just like the Democrats.
Exactly.
That's just like the Democrats.
Tabasco vomit.
Hey, if you want to vote for us, we'll drink this Tabasco.
That's Obedo O'Rourke, right?
Oh, yeah.
We did that article about Meto Rook Chugger.
That's what it was based on when I thought of it.
Chugging the whole bottle of Tom.
Showing how to appeal to Hispanics.
How ethnic he is.
He chugs a bottle of Tapatillo.
I miss Beto, man.
I miss Beto.
Beto.
Because he would go up and just do this bizarre, like, hola.
Como estas.
Oh, goodness.
Okay, let's go on to our next story.
Schindler's List is considered to be one of the greatest films about the Holocaust and man's ability to do good in the midst of evil until now.
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences recently ruled that films without representation from LGBTQ plus characters, people of color, and other oppressed groups, will not be eligible to win Oscars.
So Schindler's List has had its best picture award revoked.
Sorry, Schindler's Wist.
There's a lot of Nazis in Schindler's List.
There is.
That's problematic on its head right there.
And it's very homogenous.
You've got.
It's weird because Steven Silberg is Jewish.
You'd think he would be like, why would I want to make a movie with all these people?
He would be more sensitive to that kind of thing.
The movie is mostly Jews and Germans and stuff.
Yeah.
That's not very diverse.
Yeah.
So we really needed more black concentration camp guards.
I always think, what are some of your favorite stories?
My favorite stories?
Yeah, because the first thing I think, before I decide of a story, was good after I read it.
How diverse was that?
Yeah, exactly.
I was like.
Does anybody wheelchair?
Anybody?
Yeah.
Any from the South Pacific Islands?
Anybody with one eye?
Well, not that there can't be great stories about those people, but though.
That is the first thing that you go to.
It's the first thing you got to think.
How diverse is it?
Yeah.
This reminds me of, I think it was the Battlefield video game series, if I remember, right?
They wanted to include more diversity and inclusion.
The people that you kill?
So when you would create your character or whatever, you could be black or a woman.
I think that was like a big first for the series.
But you're literally like one of the sides was the Nazis.
So you could be, so in the name of inclusion, you could be like a black female Nazi soldier.
That's what you'd have to do, right?
You'd have to have a bunch of black Nazis and stuff on Schindler's list for it to qualify now.
It's for best picture.
They're just like, they should just have one scene that qualifies the movie.
Yeah, just one scene.
We're just going to get this out of the way.
And they just filled all this diversity.
I wonder if you could sell stock footage to these big picture nominees now.
Like, here is a footage of a diverse group.
Just put that same thing.
If you've played this for like five minutes.
Like the Wilhelm scream.
You ever heard a Wilhelm scream?
Yeah, it's just the one stock.
That one scream they use all the time.
You'll have a one-scene stock footage.
So there's actually, there actually are these new best picture rules for the Academy, which go into full effect in 2024.
And films must meet at least two of four standards that stipulate roles both on screen and behind the scenes be filled by people from underrepresented groups, including racial groups, women, LGBTQ, people with cognitive or physical disabilities, the deaf, hard of hearing.
Yeah.
It's bizarre.
Like, who decides what the front, like best picture should literally mean that, right?
Is it racist now to say, like, what were all the pictures?
Which one was the best?
Like, it has to be, because I think that they're reacting to the last couple of years, they've had a thing where Best Actor went to all these different, it was always like all white people.
Yeah.
And so they want to now have a circumvent where they can be like, whoa, Was that a diverse movie?
So they can like, you know, they have another step they can hold off the, in some ways I get, I wonder.
It makes me wonder, are they really doing this because they care?
Or are they doing it to hold off the Twitter mob or the mob that came after them?
I think they always think that they're good people.
Oh, yeah.
Like, they think that they're brave.
And I mean, maybe the Twitter mob is what triggered it or whatever.
But I think they always think that they're doing it for the good.
Well, some other movies whose awards should be stripped.
Lord of the Rings, Return of the Kings, very racist against orcs.
Right.
We needed more diversity in the orcs.
Or the Elves.
Or the Elves.
They were all like white.
Or the Hobbits.
The Hobbits needed more diversity, for sure.
I think.
Yeah, because they're just like British people is what they're supposed to be.
Horrible.
We needed more Muslim Hobbits is what we needed.
What about I don't know?
Braveheart.
Yeah.
We need more Scottish people that are not Scottish.
Black, transgender, Scottish warrior in a wheelchair.
What about that movie Glory?
I can't remember how many.
That was like the big one.
Was that a best picture winner?
That was a big movie.
I can't remember if it was Best Picture.
It was a while back.
And it has an exclamation mark, so you know it's good.
Oh, no, it doesn't have an exclamation mark.
In my mind, it had an exclamation mark.
Anyway.
The basic thing is so many great stories come out of a culture.
I mean, because that's people live in cultures and stories come out of them.
And one of the great ways to get to understand another culture is to see a movie about it and kind of get into it.
And the idea that we have to only tell stories where everybody's in this post, whatever, where we're all holding hands.
And it's so backwards, like the idea that you can't have stories from cultures.
That it has to be this rainbow all the time.
Right.
Because you can make a movie.
I mean, you can make a movie that's about a oppressed group, if you want to call it oppressed or whatever.
You can make a movie about a minority group, and no one's going to...
There are very few conservatives or whatever that would be like, oh, you can't make a movie about Africans.
Need some more white people in there.
There probably is someone somewhere.
Somewhere, somewhere.
But it's just this idea that you tell a story.
I mean, it was Frozen 2.
It's sitting in, I don't know where is it?
Norway or something.
Finland or whatever.
Iceland?
And there's like a black soldier, you know, and you're like, I don't know if in that time that would have been the case.
Yeah.
That just feels forced.
Yeah.
Yeah, it does.
But I mean, hey, did we ever care about the best picture award anyway?
Is it really?
Anybody go, oh, that's the best one?
I was wondering what the best one was.
Thank you for telling me.
It feels like, I don't know, maybe in the 90s it was a little more of the popular movie.
Sometimes on a brave heart one and I don't know.
Braveheart.
Return of the king.
But they regret that one.
Yeah.
And now it's like a movie that I've never heard of and have absolutely no desire to see.
Yeah, it's always like, don't see this.
Yeah.
I know to avoid that one.
All right, we're going to move on to our topic of the week where we're going to read some weird Bible stories.
It's story time.
And now, the Babylon Bee's topic of the week.
These are the weirdest, craziest Bible stories.
Yeah.
And let's just disclaimer at the outset.
We love the Bible.
Yeah.
We believe the Bible's true.
Yeah.
But the Bible's also got some weird stuff in it.
It's all, I mean, you know, it's a couple thousand years back or more.
Thousands of years ago.
Thousands of years of a different culture that it was originally written to.
Yeah, they didn't have internet.
They didn't have Starbucks.
Movies.
They didn't have malls.
They didn't have fidget spinners.
Yeah.
So a lot of things they didn't have.
That has a big effect on people.
Yeah, that does.
No fidgeting.
You can't fidget.
So there's just bizarre stuff.
And you know what's cool about that?
I do think this is cool.
Okay.
That life is weird.
There is weird stuff that happens.
And I feel like if you were trying to make up the Bible and be like, I'm going to make this holy book that everyone's going to read and be inspired by, and they'll think it's the word of God.
Like, I wouldn't include any of this stuff.
Yeah.
Like, if you were going to make it up.
Almost every hero in the Bible looks like a complete donkey at some point.
Yeah.
One of them is literally a donkey.
Right.
Which we'll read about shortly.
Donkey.
Don't get donkey.
So.
Anyway.
How do we read this?
But this is the kind of stuff that you won't hear in your Sunday morning sermon.
Yeah, you never get the children's Sunday school versions of these.
Yeah, and none of these are usually in your children's Bible, the little picture book.
I would like to see some of these.
I would love to see that.
This is a good book idea, man.
Yeah.
Babylon B, we could do the Babylon B children's Bible.
The holy inappropriate Bible for children.
The stories your parents won't tell you.
What's weirder is when they do tell one of these stories in Sunday school and they try to make it all Sunday schooly.
Yeah, and they just kind of gloss over it.
They gloss over the fact that they just talked about a guy getting his head impaled.
I think for a long time I didn't know that David decapitated Goliath.
They do it with Noah all the time.
Like where he gets drunk.
Well, no, because it was just you tell the Noah story and sing songs and then, oh, yeah, the whole world died.
But you just kind of gloss right past that and it's like millions of people living on the corpses are floating all over the world.
I never sing that part.
The Lord told Noah he's going to kill all the people.
Our first story: Jail and the Tent Steak.
JL.
JL and the Tent Steak.
That name could come back.
That's a good idea.
J-L.
It's kind of like it.
It sounds like a millennial name.
Like they're naming all the kids Braden and Aiden.
Jaden and Jaden and Caden and Sweden.
Coulter and Faden.
Mason.
Baden.
You like Mason?
Yeah, JL.
I could see that coming back.
Well, it means mountain goat.
Oh, really?
I guess that's why it's not as popular.
Probably not that popular.
She was a Bedouin and the wife of Heber the Kenite.
If you just pronounce them with confidence, people will believe you, that you know it.
So Israel is being ruled by a prophetess Deborah who told Barack to go to war against the Canaanites led by Sisera.
She told Barack he would get no glory for the battle because the Lord would deliver Sisera into the hands of a woman.
But Sisera is defeated.
He flees to the tent, the tent, the tent of Deborah, who tells him to relax.
And while he's relaxing, tent stake in the temple.
I think we can improve we can improve that sound effect.
That's best.
They could have some splatter at that point.
There's a splatter sound.
Maybe we did it together.
One of us is the stake, one of us is the brains coming out.
Wait.
We got to do it.
Are you the brains?
I can do brains.
Okay.
Yeah, there you go.
That worked better.
Stereo.
While he was sleeping from exhaustion, Heber's wife Jael took a tent peg, grabbed a hammer, and went silently to Cesara.
So she was like a ninja.
She hammered the peg into his temple and drove it into the ground, and he died.
Now, do you think he ran in circles for a while and then died?
No, he is pinned to the ground by but like one of the like one of those vaudeville runs where like you're running on the ground in the spinning.
I don't know.
I don't know what your muscles keep going for a while maybe after the so maybe.
Yeah, if he kept trying to get up and he'd start to spin like Wheel of Fortune.
I don't know what part of his brain he got because if you did the wrong part of the brain, he might still be have certain like you only knock out certain memories.
Yeah, like there was that one guy I mentioned one time on the podcast who got a railroad spike driven through his brain and survive.
Wait, really?
Yeah.
So see, he could be alive to this day.
So he might have been alive and he's like, guys, a little help.
And he's just pinned to the ground.
I've heard with a lot of things when you get impaled, it's when you take it out that you die.
Like they said, I heard this with Steve Irwin when he got stabbed with that stingray.
They said there's another guy like right after that who got stabbed in the same way because they waited to take it out and they took it out slowly in the hospital or whatever.
Oh no, that was David Blaine that was saying that.
He said that the big thing with impaling is like.
Well, because when they take it out, that's when that's when you're opening up the wound and now all the blood is falling sound effects.
Anyway.
All right, here's our next story.
One of the old favorites.
Good old.
Is it Elisha or Alicia?
Elisha.
Elisha.
That's what I'm going to go with.
Yeah, Alicia sounds like a pop singer.
Pop singer.
Is this the actual verse here?
From there, Elisha went up to Bethel.
As he was walking up the path, some small boys came out of the city and harassed him, chanting, go up, Baldi.
Go up, Baldi.
He turned around, looked at them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord.
Then two female bears came out of the woods and mauled 42 of the children.
Wow.
So I guess maybe don't make fun of God's prophet.
With his baldness.
Yeah.
This is one of the stranger.
Well, first, the mechanics of these bears have to be like Shaolin monks.
Because how are they bouncing from one child to the next fast enough that they can't run away fast enough that they can kill 42 children?
Or at least maul them.
I don't know if they're actually dead.
You can be mauled and not die.
I need to check this guide here.
Check the book.
See if it says anything about ninja bears.
Is there anything about ninja bears in here?
I'm sure there is, actually.
The TIE fighter bear.
Yeah, there's a lot of...
Yeah, there's big...
There's the bear attacks that.
So maybe they hit him with an upside-down arm lock back slam.
Could be.
Inverted diving gorilla press.
The backbreaker or the common pile driver.
That's possible.
Yeah, there's attacks that are more massive in scale.
It could be one of those.
I'm trying to see if I can find.
Well, they have the Ela Piñata where on occasions when a bear is feeling particularly vicious, this relentless animal will go to Asia and capture an elephant, then drag it to Mexico, hollow it out, then turn it into a piñata full of screaming human beings, will then beat it to pieces with a board.
It's really violent.
They call it damn failures.
Most damn failures can be attributed to bears.
Anyway, yeah, there's a lot of things that bears do.
Barricanes.
It could have been the Australian drop bear that just falls from the tree and attacks you when you're least expecting it.
Do you have a chapter in here on the different types of bears?
Is that one of the it mainly says that all bears are kind of morph.
They morph and then there's certain fake bears.
So at the end, I have a little thing about bears that aren't actually bears, like koala bears are total sham and stuff like that.
Oh, like here, you have the bear barantula, the bear wall.
Oh, yeah, I have that, yeah.
The bear wall, the bear, yep.
Bear eagle, which is like, I guess, a beagle bear.
Or a bear go, which is part eagle.
People getting confused all the time.
The bear boon.
Octobear.
Okay, it could have been an octobear.
Easily.
Because if you've got 42 kids.
So it could have been two octobears.
Maybe the original translation, she means octo.
Yeah, sometimes we lose something in the translation.
So Elijah summoned two octobears from the woods and they kill and he killed these kids.
So what would the Sunday school lesson be if you were to actually teach this?
Because you're a little more pastoral than I am.
You've been a pastor.
I've been a youth pastor.
Let me think.
God gives all of us she-bears in our lives that we have to overcome.
And they're shouting at us, Baldi.
And some of your...
No, I'm talking about the bears.
Some of your...
Oh, okay.
So you're saying the kids.
All right.
So we could be like, yeah.
Because God sends them.
All of us have.
I know, but they don't care.
They just pick anything from the story.
All of us have annoying children in our lives.
So for some of you, annoying children might be your job.
And it's shouting at you, hey, Baldi, you're not worth anything.
You're not good enough.
You ain't nothing.
And you can try to fight them on your own, or you can turn to God and he will send his she-bears.
Now, the she-bears God sends, it might not be actual bears.
It could be a promotion.
It could be a new car.
Your she-bear.
Look for your she-bear that could be a plague and receive it expectantly.
Maybe it's COVID.
And you will live an abundant life.
Let's pray.
That's pretty good.
I'm tearing up.
You are tearing up.
Inside of my inner monologue is always shouting, hey, Baldi.
You might be tearing up because there's like a bunch of ash in the air, too.
There's something really dry in your eyes or flying out.
This is the last remaining building in California.
Everything else is burned all around.
I need a person that stands by and drops, puts droplets in my eyes to moisten them like a crock clockwork orange or something.
Hey, what do you think, too, about people that preach this and they'll say, well, the children were like a youth.
Have you heard this, that they were like a youth gang, super dangerous, and they were trying to protect.
I kind of get that, but I also like.
These bears are like Charles Bronson.
I'm also kind of cool that God is just like super violent.
He's just like.
I don't know.
We're so soft.
I do like when the idea that he drops these things and he's like, figure me out, bro.
Yeah.
Boom.
October.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know.
I've never heard a great, like, I am curious, like, what is it even historically, what would the story mean to, like, why would, like.
Yeah, I would love to get more history on this.
They had so much reverence for God's prophet.
It was like to attack God's prophet was to attack God.
He was the mouthpiece of God.
So be careful before you.
Bears do God's will.
So now we're going to talk about Balaam's talking donkey.
If we say donkey, Dan will have to change it to donkey every time, and it might be kind of funny.
Okay, uh, so a Moabite king summons prophet Balaam to curse the Israelites for him.
So, so the so this king calls on the prophet Balaam and says, Hey, I want you to curse the Israelites.
It's like cursing for hire, yeah, he's like a mercenary from a freelance cursor, cursionary, cursionary.
So, he sells curses about the land $200 for like maybe lower level curses.
Hourly raid or is it a, I, I will, I will hex your enemies with incontinence for five shekels, but for 50 shekels, you know, I'll make you get full on like leprosy.
Someone will come in their house and poop on their dishwasher.
Like, there's different levels of cursing.
That one seems more like you could set that up, like you could just do it.
Yeah, it wouldn't take magic.
He'd just be like, get some guys together.
Okay, here's all the dishwashers we got to hit.
You could make an app for this, too.
You could like poop dash.
So, Balaam goes, Yeah, I'll curse Israel for you.
And God wasn't a fan.
God didn't like that.
So, he's riding the donkey.
The donkey's stubborn.
Balaam starts beating the donkey.
He's punching the donkey.
So, this is like when you're in traffic.
It's just like that car won't work.
Car's giving you trouble.
Yeah.
So, after the third time, the donkey gets beat, the donkey turns to him and speaks, asking why Balaam keeps beating him.
God opens Balaam's eyes and he sees the angel in the road with a sword drawn.
And then Balaam repents.
Yeah, I guess I shouldn't have cursed Israel.
I don't know why I didn't realize until now that the donkey, that's what the donkey said.
I always hear the donkey talking part.
I don't think I've read this part of the Bible very often.
This is just the donkey turn around, like, hey, man, why are you hitting me?
Whoa, dude, I'm just doing a cam and animal here.
Balaam was on DMT, man.
All right.
What else we got here?
Stabbing Eglon, which sounds like a band.
That sounds like a Gen X band.
Stabbing Eglon.
Yeah, it's kind of like, wait, better than Ezra, maybe?
I don't know.
Is that a band?
Counting crows.
Counting crows.
Stabbing Eglon.
Taking back Sunday.
Oh, you're thinking of those three-name ones.
Well, just the ing, the like gerund, followed by the object.
Eglon.
Smashing pumpkins.
Smashing pumpkins.
Stabbing Eglon.
Yeah, smashing pumpkins.
So he's always trying to imagine people naming a baby the name they gave.
Like, look at a little baby Eglon.
I don't know.
Look at him.
Doesn't he look like an Eaglon too?
He looks like a little Eglon.
I'm always freaked out by the babies who have these really adult names.
We're like, yeah, you'll grow into that.
When you're 50, like Edmund.
Like, I could see that as an old British guy.
Gertrude.
But it's like little Edmund.
I'm like, I don't see it.
Edmund, I feel like you feel like it's very British sounding.
It's British.
It's more British than different ages.
So Ehud was sent by God to deliver Israel from Moabite oppression.
And he had met the king in private and said to Eglon, I have a message from God for you.
He said, here's your flower bed.
So he was like Liam Neeson.
And he stabbed him.
He stabbed King Eglon, who was so fat that Ehud's sword got lost in his gut.
The folds.
So this is like my 600-pound life Israel edition.
Like, these are the people that make me look good.
Do you watch that show?
My wife is into it.
I think it helps her think, oh, yeah, I didn't marry such a fat guy.
She watches these shows of people that cannot move.
Like they have new diseases forming in the folds of their Arm pits.
You know, they need help washing.
It's like when I have an acquisition disorder, you know, I own way too many board games.
So I watch hoarders.
And then I'm like, oh, I'm not so bad.
I'm good.
So actually, in our little summary here, we missed the best part of the story.
All the fat spills out?
That the fat spills out.
The handle went in after the blade, and Eglon's fat closed in over it.
So that Ehud did not withdraw the sword from his belly.
I wonder if he's like, marshmallow.
He's got both his feet on him trying to get his arm out.
And Eglon's insides came out.
Ehud escaped by way of the porch, closing and locking the doors behind him.
Ehud was gone when Eglon's servants came in.
They looked and found the doors locked and thought he was relieving himself in the cool room.
The servants waited until they became worried and saw that he had still not opened the doors.
He's dicking a long dump in there.
So they took the key and opened the doors, and there he was lying dead on the floor.
Wow.
That's the best part: that it took him a while.
And they're like, oh, I don't remember.
Yeah, I forgot about the parts.
Just one of his bathroom trips.
You got to imagine a 600-pound guy.
Yeah, they like to use the bathroom.
He's probably in there for a while.
They take a while.
I like it.
One of those turd burglars.
He probably had a toilet that was built for him, right?
Because he's a king.
And he's probably too big for like a normal.
Yeah, because that's the hard thing.
Probably only kings had toilets then.
That's true.
They weren't like running water, right?
Right.
It was like a pit that went down.
It's like a pot.
Oh, and then they carry it out.
Probably.
Or it could have been a pit.
Pit or pot.
Pit or pot, or maybe a guy named Pat.
But for a pot, he'd probably need a really big pot.
Right.
Like one of those inflatable swimming pools.
Maybe they could put.
Like they just get it across the room with a little golf club.
Like while he's sitting on the pit or pot, he's putting with Pat.
With Pat.
Ezekiel baking bread over poo.
I love this because do people know that?
Well, people know there's a real bread called Ezekiel 4.9 bread, right?
Right.
That is supposed to be the Bible bread.
The Bible bread.
We had it when I was a kid.
Not very often.
I had a hippie roommate who would eat this.
The Ezekiel bread.
So Ezekiel was told by God to perform a series of spiritually serious and physically strenuous symbolic acts to show Israel that they would be devastated and forced into exile.
And one of those was to eat bread baked over a fire of human poo.
This wasn't like because if you really want to, you know, shave some pounds and get some nice abs or whatever, like eat healthy, then you need to make this bread.
Like, I don't think that was the point of God telling him to make this bread right.
Right.
He was like.
Okay.
It's a spiritually serious and physically strenuous act.
And the best part about this is that Ezekiel didn't want to eat the bread cooked over human poo.
So he begs God.
He's like, don't make me eat it.
He's Lord.
I was like the garden of the body.
I will not eat the food.
You will eat the poo.
Sweating blood.
And then he goes, and then God says, very well.
I will let you bake your bread over cow dung instead of human excrement.
He's like, thank you, Lord.
Thank you.
So, Calvinists, what do you do with that?
That guy just changed God's mind.
Sure.
Hmm.
Interesting.
So is the Ezekiel 4-9 bread actually baked over?
Is that what you were asking?
Is it actually?
Yeah, is it baked over poop?
Because if you're going to go all the way, I mean.
Yeah.
That seemed really specific in there.
If you take out that element, then it's not Ezekiel 4.9 bread.
Is Ezekiel bread baked?
It auto-filled it for me.
Is Ezekiel bread baked over dung?
Maybe they use some kind of fertilizer or something.
They put like a tiny hint in there, like they put a little speck of it into the fire into the oven.
Maybe they have at least, they at least have the poop option.
Even people that were like, hey, if I was in that, I would have done the human poop fire because I am more holy than Ezekiel.
And now is your chance.
Now's your chance to do what Ezekiel didn't do because he was a pansy.
And you eat the human poo Ezekiel bread and prove yourself.
They should have that as an option.
We've got to write down all these band names.
Human fire poop.
Human poop fire.
What's our next story?
God tells prophet Hosea to marry the prostitute, Gomer.
It was kind of a beautiful story, wasn't it?
Yes.
Kind of?
Or no?
I like.
Not really.
But I like God.
I know she's going to be terrible, right?
But I like God and the prophet really committing to the object lesson for this one.
Can you imagine your megachurch pastor or whatever being like bringing up Roxanne on stage?
I just married this hooker.
I did this to prove a very important lesson to you guys.
Yeah, marriage to the world is problematic.
I'm having a horrible time right now.
Well, Israel was supposed to be the hooker.
Right.
The prostitute.
And, you know, giving this image of.
Okay.
I'm terrible with my theology here.
That God has covenanted with these people who are constantly unfaithful.
Right.
Unfaithful.
So that's purely the point of that.
Yeah.
But I just like that.
I really appreciate the commitment to the object lesson here.
Yeah, that is very committed.
Nebuchadnezzar cursed to eat grass for seven years.
Wow, I missed that part.
It's funny that we don't really.
I mean, I read this and it just is like, and he was cursed to live like an ox and eat the grass for seven years.
And then you just move on to the next chapter or whatever.
So many little understatements in the Bible.
Like you think about that, this guy was crawling around like you think he crawled?
He's kind of well, he would, yeah, because he was.
Wasn't he like a king or something?
Or is that later?
You'll be driven away from people to live with the wild animals and you will feed on grass like cattle.
I guess I always assumed he was crawling around like cattle.
So this is like that crazy guy in front of 7-Eleven that's like, maybe he's just in grass man.
Like they would go to their town square and up.
There's the guy that eats grass.
Nebuchadnezzar again.
Yeah, like I had a guy that used to walk around town with a tennis racket all the time.
He looked like Colonel Sanders, but he had like a bucket hat.
And his name was Crazy Bert.
And if you asked him why he carried the tennis racket around, he said, two reasons.
One, self-defense.
Two, because I'm the foremost authority on all sports.
And then he'd just walk on.
Sorry.
Maybe he was a king.
Maybe.
Yeah, he's in a seven-year exile.
My eyes are burning today.
Telling you, it's the ash man.
I've had this cough.
Oh, yeah, I've had that cough too.
It's the ash.
It is.
Yeah.
So he ate grass.
But happy ending, though.
He learned his lesson.
He wrote the account himself about it.
Yeah.
Elijah mocking the prophets of Baal.
This is a classic story.
This is a great story.
That they challenge each other and see who can call fire down from the heaven.
This is like where some of the greatest sarcasm in the Bible comes from.
And so they're all like cutting themselves and dancing around this fire.
Hoba Jabba, hobajaba, hoba jabba.
They're supposed to produce fire, right?
Where do you want fire?
Where do you want fire?
Yeah.
Where do you want fire?
There's a whole bunch of them.
Nothing.
He's just standing there.
Okay.
He's just yawning.
Oh, yeah.
They're to the point.
Yeah, they're.
Oh, yeah, man.
Maybe you're.
Sorry, I walked over that.
That's the best line.
I just love the idea that they're ripping their hair out and cutting themselves and just like as insane as a group of people could be about this, making it happen.
And Elijah's not secret sensitive about this whole thing.
Not very secret sensitive.
Guys, I think you're mistaken.
Think you need to come to an understanding of the truth?
He's just like, hey, maybe your God's taking a turnip.
Is he on the toilet?
Is he on vacation?
And then he's like, hey, you guys get over here and get a bunch of buckets of water.
And then just like, cover it until the water's standing.
I want this thing like soaked.
He's like David Blaine.
He wants to like really show.
He's staring at everybody with that stare David Blaine does.
For my next trick.
Yeah.
And then the fire burns up the offering and like all the water and everything.
Doesn't it burn the prophets too?
I thought after he was just like, take him down to the river and kill him.
I thought it consumed some of the prophets.
I might be wrong.
I might be mixing that up with when they threw the guys into the furnace and it was so hot it burned his own service.
I would love to see this reenacted with the Elijah played by Samuel L. Jackson from Pope Fiction.
He just has that authority.
Like laughing about the.
Because he always reads the Bible verse before he shoots people and stuff.
No, I wouldn't know if I'd seen that movie.
It's the defining character for him.
So the character he plays tends to be that character.
Guy who fell asleep during a sermon falls out the window.
This was Eutychus in Acts 20.
And it talks about how Paul was going on and on and on in his message.
And this guy's just trying to hang in there.
He's just chilling on the window.
And it's just like, where'd Eutychus go?
What a thing to be remembered for.
You're like, for thousands of years, your name will be remembered.
Hey, Uticus, would you mind closing us in prayer?
Eutychus?
And they look and they look down and it's did he die?
Yeah, he died.
And then Paul resurrected him.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sorry.
Stupid.
I knew that.
There's a Babylon B article about this.
Yeah, that was actually a challenging Photoshop.
Eutychus actually leaped out window to escape church greeting time.
We can all sympathize.
So that's handy that Paul can resurrect him after basically murdering him with his long sermon.
This is all to show a miracle.
I preached my 27-point sermon for a very important point.
Oh, I love this one.
Jesus letting the demons go into the herd of pigs.
So there's a guy named Legion here.
Got all these demons in him.
Crazy guy by the river.
No, the guy's name isn't Legion.
Well, yeah, he goes by Legion now because it's full of demons and they talk for him.
The demons are Legion.
Yeah.
His name is Bob or something.
Yes, and like that old Bob Jones.
The human formerly known as Bob.
Now known as Legion.
And the demons asked to be put into the pigs.
Yeah.
So does Jesus have mercy on demons?
He was going to because he was going to just like banish them, right?
Like, oh, yeah, he was going to banish them into the abyss.
Nobody wants that.
So I don't know if that, I don't know what the abyss is.
I guess I haven't done a word study on that.
If that's like a place of punishment or if it's just like, you will not exist anymore, you know, like total destruction or something.
But they obviously did not like the idea of this abyss.
So they're begging to go into the pigs and Jesus goes, you know what?
I'll allow it.
Into the pigs.
It should be fun.
And then the pigs go into the sea and die.
They go wild.
So then what happens to the demons?
Did they go to the abyss anyway?
I don't know.
What happens?
We'll find out.
We should have gotten a Bible scholar on.
In the afterlife.
Yeah, we should.
I want to go through these with a super Bible scholar, like Greg Cochler or something.
Somebody who's like.
Yeah.
Greg.
No, Greg's too methodical.
He would be like, there's seven fallacies with your interpretation.
That'd be great.
Maybe if we get a couple of drinks into them.
Okay.
No, I do think there's a lesson of like Jesus, Jesus allowing the pigs, going to the pigs to show the total authority he had over both creation and the demons.
And I guess that his will happened anyway.
Like the demons still were vanquished.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Yeah, maybe they thought as pigs they could go around and bite people and demonize them or something.
Yeah.
We'll be demon pigs.
You know, it'll be totally rad.
Demon pigs.
Demon pigs.
Jesus cursing the fig tree.
Bringing it home with this one.
When they came out from Bethany, Jesus was hungry.
After seeing in the distance a fig tree with leaves, he went to find out if there was anything on it.
When he came to it, he found nothing but leaves because it was not the season for figs.
He said to it, May no one ever eat fruit from you again.
And his disciples heard it.
So he just totally cursed this fig tree because it didn't have figs ready for him.
What's the lesson?
What's the I remember?
I was really curious about the lesson on this one, and I looked it up and found it out and was like, oh, yeah.
And then I completely forgot what it was.
But it made sense.
I think so.
I mean, I think it's Jesus' authority over creation again.
I think it called back to another instance of the tree or something.
Oh, the fig tree is often symbolic, too.
Yeah, there's a symbol of Israel or something.
I think Matt is like nodding back there.
He knows.
He knows this.
Oh, man.
Maybe we're the fig tree.
Yeah.
If we don't have fruit.
The fig tree was inside us all along.
The real fig tree was just the figs that we bore along the way.
But anyway.
I do that when I go to a restaurant and they don't have what I want on the menu.
Like, sorry, we're all out of fried chicken sandwiches.
Curse you and may you never have another customer again.
May you never make another chicken sandwich.
Actually, one thing I do like about Jesus is that we often gloss over his humanity because I think we've to fight cults and to fight bad theology that don't think that Jesus is God.
We're constantly saying, Jesus is God, Jesus is God, Jesus is God.
We forget that he's 100% God and 100% man.
So he would have been hungry.
That's true.
And the fact that he comes here, he says he goes there to find out if there was anything on it.
Hey, there's a tree.
I wonder if it's got food.
And he goes and he finds out.
So it's like he actually learns things as a human, although in some contradictory way, he has a knowledge of all things as God.
So I don't know if he's like.
He says, like, Google earth for figs if he goes to his death.
So some people will say he denies himself access to knowledge apart from the enabling of the Holy Spirit throughout his ministry.
It's just fascinating to me that if you read Jesus' life as him being a human guy, you know what blows my mind is that Jesus was a baby and babies don't know anything.
He's so dumb.
At some point he had to find out that he was God and that he was the Messiah.
So there is an element where Jesus was like reading the scriptures and going, and the Holy Spirit's revealing to him this is you.
That blows my mind.
I'm sure some people think that's heresy.
I never thought about that.
All right, well, that's some weird Bible stories.
Maybe we'll do this again.
If you guys like this, let us know.
And we are getting ready to do hate mail.
Let's do it.
I miss Adam Ford.
All right.
Some sweet, sweet hate mail.
So, this is from I don't know who, but it says, You know what this is in reaction to?
Does it matter?
Well, it says in the email.
Okay.
How legit is this stuff your website spews out?
Three question marks.
For example, this is a quote you have online about Portland, Oregon, mayor referencing Trump and wishing for the demise of the city he was voted to manage and protect.
This is the quote: This is a small price to pay if it means getting literally Hitler out of office, said Mayor Ted Wheeler, pouring gasoline throughout the city.
Now, burn those buildings down, burn them all.
There are millions of people who see and believe this flower bed on Facebook.
Real or not?
I like that he puts it in.
He really throws the gauntlet down at the end there.
It's real or not, all caps with a question mark.
Tell me once and for all in front of God.
Because the first thing he asks is, How legit is this stuff?
Yeah.
And he goes, In front of all these witnesses, once and for all, for all time, tell me, real or not.
Choose this day whom you will serve.
Real.
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah, this much passion, and they didn't just go to our about page or Google.
What is the Babylon band?
The amount of effort it takes to email a website versus clicking around.
Just look at our Twitter profile.
Maybe that's just me.
I never email this kind of stuff or like, yeah.
Try to find something.
I'm like, just Google it.
If I can't find it, yeah.
I'm on to the next thing.
Stick around for our subscriber portion.
If you're a subscriber, we may give a little glimpse at the new B lounge, although there's not much there yet.
And we have a couple of voicemails and video call thingies, video mails to answer from the fans.
If you're not a subscriber, we're chucking you out.
But we want to finish with our new animated video.
Yeah, we got a new animation that I did with some friends over here.
And it's just a little short called Better Cops, where a guy who's doing the police sketch, but he can't use any exclusionary language.
He's trying to be completely politically correct while giving the description.
So it's a fun, I hope, be getting to doing more of these cartoons.
If you enjoy it, please share.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and that will help us to make more.
Take that subscribe button and put it on the audio version.
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Lure that subscribe button into a tent and bash it through, bash through its head with a tent pig.
Tent pig.
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Bile?
Like an evil king.
Amen.
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But a reminder: my department doesn't put up with any exclusionary language.
Some say it's gone too far.
Freedom of speech, blah, but not me.
So I don't want to hear any hateful descriptions out of you.
None that my ablest eyes, which I am ashamed of, could detect.
Very good.
Now, the last thing: race.
He was white.
Oh, thank goodness.
Well, why didn't you just say that?
All right, officers, we've got a visual.
Now take him or her down.
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