In this episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle talk about the biggest stories of the week like how we now have an awesome worship song generator on the website now. Subscribers sent us their unsolicited recordings and they were so good we had to share. Kyle and Ethan bring in a guitar and try their hand at randomly generated worship songs. Also, Biden can now decide people's race and gender, Florida violates the laws of SCIENCE by not killing more of their citizens, and social media is cracking down on misleading avatars. In the subscriber portion, subscribers get to listen to Kyle and Ethan go to the mailbag and answer some great questions from you, the subscribers. Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Get a Sneak Peak! Send your emails to podcast@babylonbee.com and maybe we will answer you in our next Mailbag segment! Show Outline Introduction There's been an issue with the subscriber length podcast on downloader apps. If you are having trouble getting the full episode try deleting the URL and re-adding it. Frank Fleming has a new book Superego: Fathom. Buy it! Kyle reached the end of YouTube and Ethan got locked in a park. Stuff That's Good Kyle likes American Gospel: Christ Alone which is a sobering, layman's-level look at the prosperity gospel and how it has spread through the American church and beyond. Now available on Netflix. Ethan likes Parry Gripp if you want your small kids to get good songs stuck in your head instead of bad songs. This News Is Weird Woman refuses to go on family walks after they invent disgusting 'poop tag' game There is nothing more humiliating than carrying warm dog poop around Boy, 9, cries after mum surprises him with first McDonald's since lockdown 'Hitler's Alligator' Dies In Moscow Zoo At The Age Of 84 Boy, 6, Cracks Open Robbery Case By Reeling In Sunken Safe From Lake Robot dog herds sheep in New Zealand We finally get robots and this is what we do with them? Who wanted to replace dogs? Kitten with two faces born in Oregon barn A dog's dream or nightmare? Grizzly bear with white fur caught on camera in Canada It's called a polar bear duh Stories of the Week Story 1 Biden: 'If You Don't Let Me Sniff Your Hair, You Ain't A Woman' Summary: In a recent interview with a female reporter, Joe Biden suddenly lashed out, shouting, "Listen, if you don't let me sniff your hair, you ain't a woman!" The real story: Speaking to Charlamagne tha God last Friday, Joe Biden said, "If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black." Biden is not alone among our political class in making wacky statements. Also mentioned: Ancestry.com Revokes Genealogies Of African Americans Who Don't Support Biden Also also mentioned: To Save Time, The Babylon Bee Will Now Just Republish Everything Biden Says Verbatim Story 2 Florida Ruled To Be In Violation Of Science For Not Having More People Die Summary: Science says Florida should have seen skyrocketing deaths from COVID-19, but instead Florida has not seen anywhere near the number of problems faced by states like New York and New Jersey. Because of this a judge has ruled the state to be in violation of Science. The real story: Governor Ron DeSantis was getting slammed in the media for a cautious, "lax" approach to the crisis, with people predicting a huge number of deaths in Florida. This disaster never happened. DeSantis focused his approach on the most vulnerable, like nursing homes, while other states like New York locked the elderly in with COVID-19 patients and restricted low-risk populations severely. People criticized him for opening beaches saying doom was sure to follow a few weeks later -- but this did not happen. Florida: 2,200 deaths / 21,000,000 people New York: 23,000 deaths / 19,500,000 people How does Andrew Cuomo do such a bad job managing this thing and get away with it while Florida gets slammed while doing a great job? The politicization of this virus is unfortunate. It doesn't feel like other national crises we've faced where we all band together against the big, bad threat -- it feels like we're hoping our political foes lose big time no matter the cost in human lives. Story 3 Facebook To Begin Fact-Checking Misleading Avatars Summary: Facebook announced today the social network will now be displaying a fact-check notice atop avatars that are an inaccurate portrayal of the user. The real story: Facebook recently launched customizable avatars similar to Bitmojis and Apple's Memojis. They tend to look nothing like the people creating them, whether intentionally or not. Ethan is offended that they do not have truly obese options The avatars are very trans-friendly in that you can mix male/female body types, whatever you want. Kyle feels his avatar is fairly accurate though they didn't have his misaligned tooth or his quarantine neck beard. What's the deal with avatars anyway? I guess it's fun to see what you'd look like as some kind of generic mass-produced cartoon. Topic of the Week The Babylon Bee unveiled a new feature: the Worship Song Generator. A few of you actually recorded your songs! Kyle and Ethan generate songs on the spot! Fan submissions: "Ten Bazillion Reasons To Sing" by Jaycie and Charis Chambers "Insane, Scandalous, Reckless, Unstoppable" by Lacey and Raina Cornelsen "Thundering Heaven Deluge" by Jeremiah Webster "Eternal Body Ember" by Kevin Grant and Daniel Flores What lyrics were pitched by the writers but didn't make it in? Hate Mail It is short and sweet this week, but we don't think these people used their real names. Paid-subscriber portion Mailbag: We pull back the curtain on what it's like getting pseudo-famous on the internet in response to a question from Bee fan Calvin Haynes. To watch or listen to the full length podcast, become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon B. Fake news you can trust.
Hello, everybody, out there in YouTube land, Vimeo land, Apple Podcast land, all the different lands.
Sitting on your chair or your couch.
On the ground.
Maybe on the parking lot, laying down.
Maybe sitting in your car.
Maybe you're dead.
Maybe you're dead and you were recently killed and you still have YouTube playing on your phone.
Just kept on going.
Wow.
Because it just keeps going.
Algorithm.
Yeah.
Doesn't it eventually ask you, though, are you still watching?
Because YouTube, I don't think it does.
I know YouTube eventually will stop.
It'll stop for me and then it'll say click to load the next video.
Wow, you've gone that far.
I have watched it.
It's because I watched all of YouTube.
Got to the very end.
Got to the end.
Would you like to start all out?
We're out.
This is what quarantine has done.
He's seen some horrible things.
You probably could never get to the end of YouTube, right?
Yeah, because as long as every hour or whatever, there's gazillions of videos going up.
It's like one hour, gazillions of content.
It's like a giant hourglass pouring sand down and you're trying to check out each grain at a time.
You're like, oh, yeah, I'll catch up.
Yeah.
Or you just have your mouth open and there's this huge funnel.
We could do these analogies all day.
Yeah, we could.
We could.
It's pouring into you.
No, we shouldn't.
So do you have an interesting week, Kyle?
I did.
You know, we had the state, or at least our county, is kind of opening back up.
So it's been a little fun and exciting.
We went out to eat.
Yeah.
We had a barbecue.
Yeah.
I guess now they're even saying salons can open.
Oh, I'm ready.
And we can get our haircut and I don't have to look like a character from Dawson's Creek anymore.
And I look like an extra from Braveheart, but not as muscular.
Yeah.
But you always look like that.
Well, I had a more interesting week because we went to, I don't know what you call this place.
It's like one of those places where the city drains all their water to it.
It's like a big reservoir.
So like there's like wildlife and stuff, but it's all like water and it's like caved in like a big, there's a bunch of trails you can walk.
It's called a little nature area over an upland.
You know that is?
Anyway, my wife likes walking there because there's like the shops.
So we get golden spoon and then we went walking.
And it says open from dawn till dusk.
So we're like walking and all of a sudden this security car is driving on the trail.
We've never seen this before.
And the guy kind of slowly drives like he's not off in the distance.
We have to get out of his way and we're like three inches from his car when he passes us.
So he saw us.
Just up the trailer is a gate.
So we didn't think anything of it.
And then once it's time to leave, we realize he's locked us in.
Like there's all the gates are locked.
We went to one gate and then go all the way across the other thing.
They locked you in walking or locked your car.
Our car was outside.
Our car's out, but you're in.
We're in.
Yeah, because I thought about it.
Like if I could get the jack on my car, I would have just jacked that gate up.
Thought about all this stuff later.
Jack you up.
I would jack that guy because it was trying it off the hinges.
So we were in there for there's an apartment complex nearby and it was like on the phone.
I had my kid who arrived a poopy diaper and Eliza already skinned her knee and having a meltdown and I was getting mad and you know, I'm supposed to be a nice guy.
So yeah, it took over an hour for the guy to finally come back and get us out of there.
We were just standing in there like a bunch of zombies.
So fence couldn't be scaled.
You couldn't catapult children.
The younger, the smaller people could face.
In fact, I maybe could have scaled it.
There was a bunch of people around.
Wife scaled it.
She got to the car by the car back as the car was way over on the other side.
So other people were locked in too?
Yeah, there's this other group of kids.
My only guess is that the security guard thought that all those other kids were my kids too, that I was just this prolific childbearer because they didn't have parents with them.
But yeah, I got a little, I haven't yelled at anybody in like almost my entire life that's not like, you know, in my family, like yelling at your kids for smearing poop on the wall or something.
I was you seriously, you were three, you drove right by us.
You didn't tell us that you're going to lock this place up.
Like you didn't think, like, tell us that.
Anyway, that's happened to me before with cars where we pulled into a park.
Oh, yeah.
And they locked the gate and then we drive back out and we're like.
I get it when they don't see he literally was doing it right then.
That's what got me.
I was like, you drove past us and didn't even, unless he like quietly said it on the I'm looking up and then just like drove past us.
It's like he wanted us to be locked in there.
That's my guess.
Anyway, I'm passionate about that.
But it's over.
I'm out.
I almost didn't make it here today.
I could have been there all night.
You're still there.
Yeah.
And they say that if you walk in the park in Upland in the middle of the night, you can still hear Ethan.
You can still hear his weeping.
Screaming at the security guard guy.
Echoing across the land.
Well, everybody, this is the Babylon B podcast.
Oh, yeah, by the way.
And we cover the news and stuff.
Kind of.
That's a stretch.
It's like you're hanging out with the Babylon B writers.
This is behind the scenes.
That's what you even want to do.
I don't know.
Because everybody bangs on our doors and they're like, what goes on in there?
The wonderland of stuff.
It's not for everybody.
So don't act like, you know, don't get all upset.
Stop being sad.
You know why?
Don't watch it anymore.
Don't watch.
Jeez.
Turn it off.
I've never seen that side of you, Kyle.
It was a little whiny.
I don't know what that was.
But cool.
Oh, we wanted to mention a couple of things before we move into the podcast proper.
Yeah, which is big red letters.
I will promote Ethan and then Ethan won't promote Frank.
No, I took it off here because I don't want to cross-promote.
I want to promote Frank this week, and I want to promote Ethan's got an audiobook of Brave Obama Possum.
I'll steal audience from Frank.
Brave On Possum has an audiobook.
Don't tell him.
But don't worry about that.
You'll learn more next week.
Ethan's going to talk about Frank now.
Frank, I wasn't prepared for this.
Frank Fleming, our best writer, he's written many great books.
He has a sequel to his most popular book, actually.
It's called Super Ego.
It just came out.
And I am highly recommending you guys go check it out.
I think we'll have a link in the show notes.
Super Ego Fathom.
Fathom.
Yeah.
And I read the first one.
It's about a hitman who, I'm going to sum this up horribly.
We should have had something here.
It's about a hitman who's like, he can't feel love and he can't think like people.
So he has to fake his way through like being acting normal because he doesn't care about killing people at all.
But Frank really explores what does that imply?
Because Frank's an amazing thinker, brilliant guy.
And so, yeah.
So it sounds really violent, and it is.
But it's also very deep and funny.
Frank's very funny.
There are two ways to be a hero.
One is more violent than the other.
And the universe needs a hero because a mysterious entity known as the Fathom is terrorizing the known universe and seizing control.
But they've made one mistake.
They woke Rico, the universe's greatest killer, from a coma.
And he's decided he might be the good guy this time.
Hmm.
There he goes on.
Yeah, he's like approaching morality purely from logic.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm horrible at this stuff.
I wasn't ready for that.
Just buy what we tell you to.
Just buy it.
We also need to mention for our subscribers that there was a weird download issue.
Yeah, like a weird hiccup.
We were a paying subscriber, you were getting the full episodes at some point.
It just cut off.
I'm getting lots of emails about this.
So my understanding is it's fixed, but you might need to delete the URL that you use to subscribe to the subscriber version in your podcast.
So, like that RSS URL.
Yeah.
So take that.
It's on our website at babylonbee.com/slash podcast.
Copy that, paste it in your iTunes, wherever you listen to your podcast.
Does iTunes still exist?
I don't know.
Apple Podcasts or whatever it is.
Whatever it is.
So repaste it, and it should work.
All right.
Hopefully, yeah.
Hopefully, that covers all the people because we're getting lots of emails about it.
All right.
We are moving on to the Babylon Bee podcast actual content now.
We're going to recommend some stuff that's good besides Frank's book.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
Kyle.
Today I'm going to recommend something that I watched on Amazon Prime, I think, or maybe we bought it or rented it.
And now it's on Netflix.
It's called American Gospel Christ Alone.
And there's nothing I hate more than the prosperity gospel, I think.
Like the prosperity gospel to me is the worst.
The worst thing.
And so this kind of covers it.
And it does.
Worse than Ted Bundy?
Yes.
Well, it's probably killed more people.
At least worse than Hitler?
It's destroyed more souls.
For sure.
Worse than Hitler.
The Prosperity Gospel is the Hitler of Christianity.
It's the Hitler of the Heart.
Of theology.
All right.
Okay.
Anyway, so Hitler.
Who's this guy?
Where do you find this guy?
Anyway, so the Prosperity Gospel is really bad.
And this covers a lot of kind of the parts of the prosperity gospel that have pervaded a lot of modern Christianity.
So the Prosperity Gospel, we think of it as just like Benny Hinn and the weird guys, but it's also these, it's more sinister.
It's guys that, you know, like Joel Osteen that just looks, he's smiling and he's happy and he's giving you a positive message and it sounds good and all that.
And I think that's almost more dangerous.
Yeah, we actually talked to Costi Hinn recently, who's in this documentary, and we kind of got an insider look at it.
Yeah, it's a good interview.
And that's going to come out sometime here.
But anyway, yeah, if you want to, you can watch it on Netflix now for free if you get the subscription.
So it's called American Gospel Christ Alone.
And it's very good.
It's weird to watch things that are uplifting on Netflix.
Does it feel weird, right?
It's like when you bring your own chopsticks to a Chinese restaurant or something.
You just feel out of place.
You ever done that?
You bring your chopsticks to a Chinese.
You bring your own.
So everyone else has the ones that come with the table, but you have your own that you.
Because my wife bought me chopsticks one time.
And then to make her feel better, I would bring the chopsticks with me when we went out to eat.
But then I looked like a weirdo.
That guy brings his own chopsticks in his pocket.
That sounds like something that the weird anime fans in our high school would have done.
I don't know.
They're cool because they have a little sumo wrestler on them and stuff.
But at the moment I pulled him out, I felt like a weird, like the guy who has his own ball at the bowling alley.
Yeah, that's weird.
No, it's a little weird.
It's not that.
I mean, if you're way into a bowling alley, but yeah, having your own chopsticks that are like in a case.
Bring your own roller side.
Like something that a quirky Hitman character would do in a Dexter or something.
Yeah.
So anyway, yeah.
So like you're on Netflix and you're watching something uplifting.
It's like that.
You're kind of a weirdo for doing it.
Well, I won't say it's entirely uplifting, but it is sobering.
Well, that's informative.
It's not.
It's true.
It's something that's like true.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's not like a have to have a lesbian character that murders people because they have to.
Well, I haven't watched the Netflix one yet.
So maybe they're.
It's possible they added some gay characters.
They always have lesbian lawyer women who murder people as the tip in every show.
We also interviewed Nick Nate Pickowitz, and I think he's in it, if I remember right.
And so maybe they made him Partner.
They photoshopped a partner in next to me.
I was going to say his name.
Pickowicks.
Hey, Pickowicks.
Nate Pickawax.
Moving on to my thing that's good.
I think I've talked about him before on here, but I like to recommend Perry Grip because I assume we have a lot of parents.
And a lot of parents have children who have a horrible taste in music.
Some people may not agree, but I think Perry Grip writes great, catchy songs.
He writes a ton of them.
You could listen to every Perigrip song and not be done for probably a solid year.
He's got songs about nachos, burritos, every animal.
Waffles.
Waffles, pancakes, French toast.
Hamsters.
Every holiday, multiple songs for every holiday.
All right.
How about possums?
Is there a possum song?
Probably, yeah.
I think there is.
Hamsters.
Oh, tons of hamster songs.
Lots of hamsters.
He's got gerbil songs, guinea pig songs.
Mullets.
Oh, yeah.
He wrote the theme song for Audio Mullet, my other podcast.
Yeah.
So all you got to do is get you get on Spotify.
You can go on YouTube.
He has tons of YouTube.
It's Perry, P-A-R-R-Y, Grip, G-R-I-P-P.
Also a very good guy.
We've worked together on some stuff.
But if you're looking for good music that your kids will love, like It's Raining Tacos, Baby Monkey Riding on a Pig, Going Backwards.
Just so many good songs.
If you ever wanted to hear a song about a baby monkey riding on a penguin backwards, yeah, very catchy.
This is your chance.
Perry Grip to me sounds like a technique in fencing or something.
Yeah.
The Perry Grip.
You're using the Perry Grip.
Is that his real name?
Yeah, I believe so.
He was the lead singer, or he is the lead singer of Nerf Herder.
So he likes Star Wars.
Oh, nice.
And then the Buffy the Vampire Slayer theme song of the TV show.
Oh, that him?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
The Nerf Herder did that, I guess.
Oh.
Yeah.
Did they have lyrics?
I didn't have lyrics, dude.
No, it was like an instrumental.
Yeah.
Those were the things he's famous for before being Perry Grip, just the guy.
I would like to hear Buffy the Vampire Slayer theme song with lyrics.
She is Buffy.
I never watched it.
I don't know.
There was a weird shift in the 90s where they just stopped doing the theme song with lyrics.
It's really sad.
Yeah, now all shows have like it's always like this, some kind of effect, like everything's passing by.
They do like the zooming in things, there's like liquid squirting all over everything slowly, and then there's a naked person.
I'm like, it looks like one of your music videos that you filmed for new metal.
And then there's always like a three model.
It's like then liquid pours on it.
It like zooms in on a paperclip.
And it's super long.
I mean, you can tell somebody works so hard on it.
And then there's a button that says skip intro.
Imagine that guy that made that intro is sitting next to his girlfriend.
I made that.
Don't do it.
Don't.
I made this.
Don't you do not push that button.
We are breaking up.
You push that button.
Didn't they start giving out like an award?
I think that's one.
Oh, probably.
I think there's an Emmy or something now.
And Game of Thrones did the one where it's like this whole map and they fly over it.
So everybody wants to be that.
Yeah.
We need to make an intro to this show like that.
That seems expensive, though.
Like Breaking Bad probably wanted or something.
I don't know.
Breaking Bad.
Me and my old roommate, we had a, because we watched Breaking Bad the whole thing.
I'd already watched the whole thing.
Yeah.
But I re-watched it with him.
Or not the whole thing, but I was got to where I was.
And we had a theme song.
We had lyrics for the theme song together.
So whenever it came on, we'd sing it in harmony and be like, Walt and Jesse, Breaking Bad.
Yeah, that was our little inside joke.
I saw there was an excellent cut that someone did a long time ago on YouTube where it's like, if Breaking Bad was a sitcom.
Oh, yeah.
And they did the whole like their buddies and laughing.
It's like the full house style theme song.
All right, let's move on to Weird News.
Weird.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
I can't get enough of that screaming goat.
I love that goat.
I want to get one of those.
It's like an alarm system for your house.
Just the goat itself.
Yeah, you just have it out front, and just, you know, if a stranger has showed up, you hear out front, you're like, oh, who's that?
Oh, it's just Barnaby again, delivering the milk.
It would be a lot more useful than those dogs that bark at everything.
And then robbers come.
My dog.
Yeah.
And I just have useless cats.
And my wife got a new cat.
Now we have four.
Cats are broken.
And I think we're actually at the county limit.
Like, we can't get any more cats without like a license.
And last night I scratched my eye.
I woke up in the middle of the night and kind of rubbed my face and like did this.
And this cat leaps from off the bed onto my face like an alien facehugger.
This cat, like one you'd never seen before?
I think it was one of Mars.
Oh, yeah, it's dark.
But it's hard to tell in the middle of the night.
This could qualify for weird news.
I could submit this as a thread on Reddit.
Man wakes up.
Yeah, that's weird how some of this stuff makes it on.
It would get picked up by the Daily Mail or something.
Yeah, because this one's a good example.
And I was reading, I was like, how did this make news?
Woman refuses to go on family walks after they invent disgusting poop tag game.
So they were like carrying around the bags of dog poop.
Because they're dog poops.
They put it in the bag.
And they were like throwing it at each other.
They're like, I think they're either throwing at each other or trying to touch each other with it or something.
And I guess she posted about this on Reddit.
And many people agree that this is a disgusting game to play.
And then just news just picks it up.
The news is like, it's a slow day.
COVID, COVID, COVID.
Oh, poop tag.
I can relate.
You're tired of writing about the coronavirus.
Yeah, I can totally relate.
You're like, I know how to spell hydroxychloro or quinn.
You do?
Like, do it.
Oh, no.
H-Y-D-R-O-X.
Hydroxychloroch.
We should make it into a song.
O-C-H-L-O-R chlor O-Q-U-I-L.
Put it up on the screen so we can see if you got that.
Boom.
I don't know.
I lost track around the queue.
Next story.
Boy nine cries after mom surprises him.
I said mom.
It says mum.
Mum.
Boy nine cries after mom surprises him with the first McDonald's since lockdown.
Yeah, I guess the McDonald's is in Singapore and they were closed during which is sad.
So he was that excited that he got his McDonald's.
We had a video of it.
I think it's just a photo, actually.
Apparently, the video is kind of sold as him crying over it, but he's actually crying because he wanted McDonald's.
Oh, sad.
Something.
But have you ever cried?
Have I ever cried?
McDonald's?
No.
What's the dumbest thing you ever cried about?
I'm trying to think.
I cried at the end of Elf when they hugged.
I don't know.
Oh, I cry at movies all the time.
Yeah, movies, I'm really pretty much anytime two people haven't seen each other for a while and then they run up and hug.
I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah.
And my wife has a heart of stone.
And so we're like, we were watching it up in the movie theaters.
Oh, man.
I did it.
And she kills me.
And we sit there, and I'm two minutes in, and I've got tears streaming.
Yeah, the whole scene, right?
And my wife looks over and she's like punches at me.
She's like, what are you?
It's a kid's movie.
I'm like, look, she can't have babies.
And I just kept saying that.
She can't have babies, Destiny.
Yeah.
The whole movie about the guy who dies and everybody's dead in the cartoon and they're all Mexican.
What?
What's that famous one?
It just came out.
Oh, Coco?
Coco.
They didn't just come out, but I was.
Mexicans are all dead.
The cartoon.
Yeah, it's the one about all the dead.
My shirt was like a bib of wetness.
Just like I was just drenched.
I was crying the whole time.
Just non-stop.
I had kids all around me.
This lone, obese man sitting there, sweating and crying in the theater.
I don't know if that one did anything for me.
Really?
Oh, man.
It was terrible.
Try it again.
I'm tearing up right now from talking about tearing up.
Oh, okay.
What's next?
Oh, this is interesting.
Hitler's alligator dies in Moscow, a zoo, at the age of 84.
So he's older than Biden.
So an alligator that Hitler had on one of his personal moments.
Apparently, it was in his collection in a zoo in Germany or whatever.
River Hitler.
There's theories that theories, I don't know, rumors that this was his personal alligator.
Did he feed people to it?
I don't know what he did.
He surf on it.
What did he do with it?
So did they figure it out?
He didn't make boots out of it.
Like white people walked by and the alligator was like nodding at him.
Yeah.
And then like people of color walk by.
You are a Jew.
Yeah.
Or maybe he had a little tiny mustache.
I'd like to see a Photoshop of that.
Too bad we don't know anybody who does Photoshops.
Boy six cracks open robbery case by reeling in sunken safe from a lake.
Yeah, apparently this kid was fishing with magnets and he found a giant safe and cracked this case.
So to me, this is one of those bad things where, like, you know, you see people that do metal detectors.
The last thing you want a guy that has metal detectors to do is find anything of value because then that's just going to encourage them to do this for the rest of their life and embarrass themselves.
So this poor kid, six years old, his entire life is now set in motion.
I am the magnet fisherman.
That's all I will do with my life because I cracked a case.
Like, no, kid, this isn't normally that's going to happen.
Usually you're going to pull out old spray paint cans.
That's what you're going to be doing your whole life.
So it was this like a Bugs Bunny cartoon, like one of those giant U-shaped magnets.
Yeah.
He's fishing.
He's like Wiley Coyote standing on the edge of the cliff.
He gets an old boot or something.
He was trying to catch a roadrunner and then he accidentally caught a safe.
And then it fell on him, which is really unfortunate.
And he holds up a sign.
He was like, pulling right there.
All of a sudden, the safe comes out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He flung it way up into the air.
We're writing a Looney tune right now.
This is great.
Robot Dog Herd Sheep in New Zealand.
New Zealand.
They got a lot of sheep there.
More sheep than people.
Been there.
And here in America, the people are sheep.
Yeah.
Sheeple.
So what I find weird about this one is we finally get robots, and this is what we think we need to do is make them into sheepdogs.
Was anybody unsatisfied with the sheepdogs?
Like, what are they going to do now?
Sheepdogs get replaced.
Yeah, all the stuff.
You think that are going to get outsourced and your job?
Vacuums and sheepdogs.
Like, sheepdogs probably thought they were safe.
They're watching on this robot revolution happen.
They're like, we're safe.
They're thinking in the realm of dogs, where some of the best dogs there are.
We have an actual function.
We don't just lick you.
But no, our job's gone now.
Have you seen the way the thing walks?
It walks like it has to go pee.
It's like it's like prancing around, like a nervous, little nervous Nelly having to go pee chasing sheep around.
So it's not a good world we're headed towards if that's what we got, if that's what we're doing.
But soon, soon you're just going to have robot sheep, too.
Yeah, robot dogs on the robot sheep.
And then androids will dream of electric sheep.
That's a reference to some sci-fi thing.
It's Philip something.
All right, then also Kitten with two faces born in Oregon Barn.
Would your wife like a kitten with two faces?
I'm sure she would.
Wasn't that a C.S. Lewis book?
Until the kitten has two faces?
Until we have faces.
Until we have faces.
I thought.
Okay.
It was pretty close, though.
Yeah, right there.
Yeah.
Or do they think the four faces by C.S. Lewis?
Do they have two brains or they share a brain?
I wonder.
I don't know.
We could have read the story in.
Yeah, I didn't read.
Before.
If you share a brain, they both do the same thing at the same time, right?
That'd be weird.
Well, maybe it could control them independently, but one brain.
Like maybe control your hands.
I don't know how it works.
I'm not a neurologist.
You can control your eyes independently.
That's true.
So what if you just had two more eyes?
Yeah, you'd be like, oh, yeah, I'm going to sing with this mouth and lick milk with this mouth.
I can't comprehend that.
Dogs are excited.
Like a dog sees a cat with two faces.
Are they excited by that or horrified by that?
They're horrified.
I would think.
Yeah, there's not really that much more meat on it.
It's just it screams twice as loud.
But do dogs really eat cat meat?
It's just cartoons.
They might like snap it on our teeth.
Yeah, dogs don't get any joy from cats.
That's why we like them.
Or you don't like them.
You don't like dogs either.
They smell.
They just smell.
That's all they do.
You like that?
No, like smell.
They just emit smells.
Emit smells.
Yeah.
Grizzly bear with white fur caught on camera in Canada.
It's called a polar bear.
So not weird at all.
Not news.
I don't know why that is terrible.
Stories of the week.
Let's do it.
Every week there are stories.
These are some of them.
In a recent interview with a female reporter, Joe Biden suddenly lashed out, shouting, listen, if you don't want me to sniff your hair, you ain't a woman.
So Joe Biden is telling women whether or not they're women.
That's bold.
Bold.
He's Joe Biden.
He's our hope.
He's the only hope we have.
So if he says you're not a woman, then accept it.
And then do whatever you have to do.
I picture him sitting in this throne and women come by and he gives a thumbs up.
Does he do that Nicholas Cage from Face Off thing where he's like in the choir?
So actually, Biden was talking to Charlemagne the God.
It's the God.
T-H-A-God.
And he said, if you have a problem figuring out whether you're from me or Trump, then you ain't black.
You ain't black.
I can't imagine saying that to any race about anything.
Maybe white, but other than that.
But even then, like, why would you say that?
Yeah, it would be so weird and racist to say that to a white guy.
You ain't even white if you don't like my ribs I just made.
Somebody, hey, Ethan, are you voting for Trump?
And you're like, eh, probably not.
Yeah, you ain't white.
Just a weird, like.
So weird.
Like, if you said that at a party, everybody would walk away from you.
Like, what?
Any other context?
It's not just weird.
It's like psychotic.
But that's the way that.
that's the way people think right yeah there's like a there's a huge chunk of like the democratic party that just thinks than that in that way like Take the vote for granted, kind of.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't want to just gloss over Charlemagne the God, though.
Like, if you're picking your rapper name.
Or maybe he was given this name.
I would really want to know the story.
I don't know.
When you land on that, I just profiled and assumed he was a rapper.
So hold on.
Yeah, we don't know.
We don't know who this guy is.
He could be, well, he says he's the, he's not a god.
He's the god, but he's not the god.
He's the.
It's T-H-A.
Which makes me wonder, like, because there's way, like, white people sometimes say the weird.
Like, they say da bears.
So is that like a, is that like that?
He just, in his culture, he says the god.
Yeah, he doesn't even sound.
Yeah, it's like.
Maybe we're pronouncing it wrong.
Maybe it's casual.
Charlemagne, thy god.
So this guy like hosted MTV shows.
He was a VJ, which sounds funny.
A VJ?
Not DJ?
A VJ.
What do you do?
I'm a VJ.
I'm a VJ.
And yeah, virtual J?
Not even J. Jockey?
Radio host type guy.
So yeah.
VJ, V-jockey.
Video jockey, maybe?
Video jockey.
Yeah, that's what it is.
A VJ.
Yeah.
I'm figuring a lot of things out.
So Charlemagne, but that's not his real name.
We looked it up.
It's like Luther Dickinson or something.
I can't remember what it was.
I just had it open, but now I call it.
Wow, I don't think that.
It feels like every time you said your name, you'd have to have lights and smoke.
Well, and my name is Charlemagne Takao.
And I went like that.
I wonder if there was some confusion.
Like he'd introduce himself.
I'm Charlemagne.
And they're like, which one?
Oh, yeah.
Are you Charlemagne the donkey?
Charlemagne, the Mox of Tissues.
Charlemagne, the Cheddar Cheese.
You know, all this stuff.
And then finally, he's like, you know what?
We're going to add.
Just to clarify.
Yeah, just to clarify.
I'm the god.
Like, oh, T-H-E?
Oh, no, it's T-H-A.
Oh, okay.
Look at you.
Right this way, Mr. the God.
Mr. Thagod.
Mr. Thaga.
I can't say.
I can't say either.
It's like MAGA.
I'm sure he says it fine.
I'm sure he does.
It's his name.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So Joe Biden, he told this guy, Charlemagne Thaga, that if you vote for Trump, you're not black.
Yeah, and Biden later walked it back and apologized.
And he said, he blamed the guy.
He said, wow, this guy was wise cracking.
He was talking smart.
He's a pony faced dog song.
He was talking wise.
I wise cracked right back.
Just a wise crack off.
And it was funny because what he said wasn't a wise crack at all.
He said something about, oh, getting out to the polls.
We have the video, right?
Let's see it.
Let's see it or hear it.
Listen, you got to come see us when you come to New York, VP Biden.
I will.
It's a long way until November.
We got more questions.
You got more questions.
I tell you, if you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, and you ain't black.
Where was the wise cracking?
Like, that's the wise crack.
He was wise cracking me.
Yeah, cracking wise.
Whipper snapper was being a real rascal.
Like, Biden's sitting out on the porch, and this mailman comes by and he's like, good morning.
Ah, cracking wise.
I'll hit you back.
I got you.
Give him a nuggie.
So there have been other statements made in the past from other presidential candidates similar to Joe Biden's.
For instance, Elizabeth Warren is famous for saying, if you don't vote for me, you ain't Indian.
That was a very good Warren voice.
If you don't vote for me.
That's true.
This depends on what crowd she's talking to.
That's true.
Trump, if you don't vote for me, you ain't orange.
Not even going to try.
Cheap shot, but so.
Yeah, I'm going to adjust it.
It's just worth it.
Bernie.
If you don't vote for me, you're going to go like Pedro Martinez.
If you don't vote for me, you don't want all of your wildest dreams to come true.
I don't know who that is.
He ran for class president up in Idaho.
Oh, yeah, from Napoleon Dynamite.
Yeah.
Nice.
Nice.
Built the cake.
Kim Jong-un voting.
Lol.
That was an LOL.
LOL.
I think there's a dividing line in ages where people say lol when they read it.
Are we on the two sides of that?
We're so close and we like reach.
I think that it's more if you have contempt for LOL or you've accepted it.
I think you've accepted it.
I have contempt for it.
I used to not do it.
So I mock it by saying lol.
Sorry, I'm talking over you.
Ron Paul.
If you don't vote for me, you're a Soros-funded Bitcoin-hating deep state chill for the Federal Reserve.
That wasn't bad.
Thanks.
You're going to have to flowerbed me on this one.
Beto O'Rourke.
I am fired up.
I got the prospects of the fear of your problem.
That was offensive.
Sorry.
I was just quoting Beto.
Camela Harris.
If you don't vote for me, I'll prosecute you for nonviolent crimes.
But she would have stuttered.
She would have said it.
That was uncanny.
It sounded just like her.
Yeah.
He sounds so nervous during that one.
I couldn't.
This microphone's in my way.
I couldn't read the second half of the sentence.
Gavin Newsom.
I can't think of how he talks, so I imagine him talking to one of the weasels from who framed Roger Rabbit.
Yeah.
Greasy hair.
Yeah, if you don't vote for me, you ain't a believer in science.
All capital letters.
Well, yeah, you have to say science like, right?
Let me try it again.
If you don't vote for me, wait.
If you don't vote for me, you ain't a believer in science.
It's funny that Gavin Newsom always tweets out the word science in all capital letters.
And that sounds like something we'd make up in that joke.
Like atheists or weird secular humanists.
Well, there's Christians that do that.
They'll be like, Science.
Well, no, but they'll do like, One thing you've forgotten is God.
They put it all capitals is watching you.
Whatever.
I don't know.
They've always put God in all caps.
Yeah.
They're like trying to be all hardcore, Pentecostal, trying to type in Pentecostal, which is hard.
I wonder if at some point science will become so revered that they won't type out all the vowels and it'll be like some of the Jews will do for Gonody.
S-C- And then it'll get all N-C-E or something.
People say it wrong.
Like in the future, it'll be pronounced like sneeze.
Yeah, we don't know how they actually pronounce this word science.
Sneeze.
Yeah, and there'll be people tattooing it on their arm.
Stacey Abrams, if you don't vote for me.
Wait, what do you mean?
Everyone voted for me.
And I'm the governor of Georgia.
That's because she's not at all.
Because she's not.
Not.
Well, thanks for the fodder, Joe Biden.
Yeah.
Joe Biden.
The gift that keeps on giving.
Absolutely.
Because we had other stories too on this one, but we got to move on.
Yeah.
Ancestry.
Ancestry.com said that they're going to revoke all genealogies of people who don't vote for Joe Biden.
Yeah.
You know, over Joe Biden, your whole, you just get on there and your whole family trees change to white people.
And then the Babylon B announced that we're not going to parody Joe Biden anymore.
We're just printing what he says.
Take the quote and slap it in.
All right.
Florida has ruled.
Actually, hold on.
Let me read the right part of this.
Science says Florida should have seen skyrocketing deaths from COVID-19.
But instead, Florida has not seen anywhere near the number of problems faced by states like New York and New Jersey because of this.
A judge has ruled the state to be in violation of science.
Wow, that's a harsh ruling for them to just come out and say.
You're in violation of science.
They have the science textbook and the judge is looking through it and he's looking at the data and slams the gavel down.
In violation of science.
Too many.
Or not enough deaths.
So I guess Governor Ron DeSantis was getting slammed in the media because he had this more lax approach.
Yeah, Florida's been like in the news constantly.
People in beaches.
They did shut some of that down and they shut down a lot of different things, but it was more of a phased approach and a cautious, let's wait and see approach.
And they focused really hard on shutting down nursing homes and protecting the vulnerable.
That's such a strange strategy.
Why would you think quarantine the vulnerable?
What a weirdo.
That's a strange.
Like a weird obsession with old people.
He just likes to lock them up.
Whoa.
Oh, scary.
Jinx.
You owe me a.
I just saw a figure that went out that almost half of all COVID deaths have been in old folks' homes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've heard numbers close to 50, 60%.
Half is a big number.
Well, it's not really a number.
It's like a percentage.
A fraction.
How old are you?
Half.
Half what?
But yeah.
So you got this number right here.
Yeah, Florida is.
You tell it.
Yeah, about 2,200 deaths out of 21 million people.
New York State had 23,000 deaths out of 19 million and a half people.
Not half a 19 and a half million.
A few less, a little bit less people, but like 10 times as many deaths.
Yes.
And they're both states full of old people, right?
I mean, Florida's known for their old people.
That's New York full of old people.
I don't know what the median age is in New York.
I assume New York's not.
It's not a retirement place, but yeah, I guess you don't think of New York.
But New York's very old in the sense that a lot of people that are there have been there.
It's similar.
It's just a different field.
And a lot of cities feel like everybody's a transplant.
In New York, there's a ton of people there that are from there.
Yeah.
Their family founded an Italian shop 300 years ago and they've been here ever.
Yeah, and they don't know how to live anywhere else because they're like, everybody's too far away from me and they're not shouting at me and stepping on me.
Yeah, there's no pigeon pooping.
No one's stabbing anybody in the face in here.
Yeah.
They're like, I can't handle this.
I need to get back to New York.
Maybe they haven't found out that there's other places.
Nobody's peeing.
They've never left.
Yeah.
They just don't know.
The roads are so open and I can actually drive places.
Oh, there's parking.
This is hell on earth.
We could go on forever with that, couldn't we?
That's heck on earth.
Sorry.
Heck on earth.
Sir.
But it's been strange.
I saw a lot of people on the left recalling the governor of New York.
They're like hero.
Like my president.
Cuomo.
And Cuomo.
Kuomo.
Cuomo.
The worst word.
It was ordering nursing homes to take COVID-19 patients.
Yeah, they had to, right?
Which seems like a really bad idea.
Yeah.
Here, you're going to take this infected person that's just spewing out disease into your nursing home that isn't prepared to handle this kind of thing.
Like, I feel like if there was a zombie outbreak or something, he'd be like, what should we do with all these zombies?
Everyone must house them.
Nursing homes.
Nursing homes.
Are you comparing COVID patients to zombies?
Well, it's the infectious.
The infectious part.
Yeah, that's true.
Although I don't know that zombies, like, that doesn't seem like a very effective way to transmit a disease.
They bite.
That's not very effective.
Yeah.
It'd be crazy if, yeah, if they could sneeze at least.
Yeah.
That's the other part of all this science stuff.
I've been trying to find the actual facts on the masks because everyone's wearing them.
And I can't find everything I've found is like they barely do anything.
Unless you're a medical professional, you know how to wear a mask and we're going to do it.
And you're wearing one that seals to your face well.
And you change your mind all the time before and after you touch it.
I was looking all this stuff up.
You never put your fingers under it.
You don't touch it on the outside at all.
Then it has like a 50% advantage.
Like it's not still not great.
But these cloth ones literally almost do nothing.
But especially with the amount, people are just wearing the same one over and over again.
They're getting, you know.
And what was the other thing?
The weirdest thing to me is I see people driving with them on alone.
Yeah.
Those are the people I really don't understand.
And this is the thing that freaks me out about it is it feels like this weird theater that we're all just like to make everybody else feel better, we just have to wear these.
It makes me feel really weird.
Are we getting demonetized for talking about this?
Probably.
Well, we haven't criticized China yet, have we?
Have we?
We love China.
We just want to say.
Hey, YouTube, we love China.
Please keep this video monster.
Vote for China for president.
Vote for China.
But yeah, you know, that's why I think The Walking Did did it right because everybody had the virus.
Wait.
And then if you died, you just came back as a zombie.
Oh, I'm circling.
That's what you're saying.
Yeah.
Didn't have to get bit.
If you died, you came back because it's in you.
Yeah, that made it.
That's interesting, yeah.
I never thought about that.
Anyway.
But yeah, this is weird.
It's a weird time with this coronavirus.
Very weird.
I say if you see, if you don't want to be the jerk, the one guy without the mask, whatever.
If you see a few people not wearing them, if it's a situation, if you're all up close, but like you're all spread out, it drives me crazy.
We're all hanging out spread out at a park in the sun.
Sun kills it.
You're going to have it all like stuck in your mask so the sun can't kill it.
Seems like a terrible idea.
Horrible idea.
Oh, yeah.
My wife took the kids to the beach yesterday.
With masks, I hope.
So she wants people to die.
And it's created like, I believe, I'm pretty sure more people will die.
Like if you don't wear a mask, more people will die from getting attacked and murdered by other people for not wearing a mask than the virus will.
Yes, you better put on a mask.
Yeah, not because of the virus, just because people are a psycho right now.
To stop people from beating you.
Our next story.
That's going to make some people mad.
Facebook announced today the social network will now be displaying a fact check notice atop avatars that are an inaccurate portrayal of the user.
You got these new avatars now.
Yeah, it's like a cartoony, generically cartoony person.
You remember like dead eyes?
I don't know.
It must have been 10 years ago.
There was the Bitmoji craze when that started.
And you could make those little bit strip cartoons and people were like going on there and making cartoons on some website.
And you can design the people to look like you and all that.
Yeah, but it isn't really.
It's like a very, it would be like if a really cheap animation studio made a cartoon of you.
Yeah, like on Fiverr or something.
Yeah.
You hire someone on Fiverr to make a cartoon.
Five bucks to make a cartoon.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This isn't going to be good.
I wonder if people on Fiverr are like offering to design people's avatars.
Oh, yeah.
It's popular on there.
Like, well, I mean, but go on Facebook and design your avatar.
Some of it looks like they just use a filter and then send it to you.
Some of them really do look like that.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, the whole avatar thing is a how do you say when you're really fat?
Like, you know, people get to say people of color.
Like, what's my people of as a person of morbidity?
Morbidity.
I feel like we should embrace morbid because no other weight gets that tagged on.
There's, you know, overweight.
There's, you know, average, whatever all the scales are.
They don't add morbid to any other ones.
Like, what if they had to?
Maybe they should add an adjective to all the other ones.
You know, there's like, so average weight should be like disgustingly average weight.
Filthily overweight.
I've been trying to think.
Yeah, morbid is sound.
It's morbidly obese.
Like it would be like if it was terminally obese.
Morbid.
You're terminally obese.
Terminally means, I'm going to die.
Isn't that what morbid means?
Oh, it doesn't?
I don't know.
Morbid is like having to do with death.
Morbid was like, yeah, like, oh, gosh, vampires.
Fatally obese.
People eating guts.
Fatally.
Now he's going to search it.
Oh, man.
Yeah, it's an having to do to do with unpleasant subjects like death or disease.
Yeah, you talk about morbidity.
Dangerously, yeah.
Morbidity is about like death.
But I mean, you could add an adjective to all the other ones too.
They're a little bit of a negative adjective, just to be fair.
Disgustingly repulsively average weight or something.
Anyway, so as a person of morbidity, the uh that means what you think a person of morbid weight of morbid body heft.
These avatars never give you the option to go as fat as you are if you're fat.
So like they're like, oh, yeah, you can make yourself fatter, but they have like the click the thing up and it ends way, way back from where you are.
So it's like they just assume you would never want to admit how fat you are.
Like you never want to be that honest about your body when you create your avatar.
Yeah.
Here goes Ethan.
Here come the water.
He's crying.
Crying on the Babylon Bee podcast.
Why can't they just take the fattest guy on earth and match the fattest avatar to that guy?
And then find the smallest guy on earth, match the smallest one to that guy, and then just have it all in between.
We can all be honest about how we look.
I'm forced to lie.
Like, there's no way I can make one of these that's honest.
So I felt like mine.
You know, I did go ahead and design one.
I felt like it was fairly fairly accurate.
Yeah, you're a normal looking guy.
But it's just like, yeah, but you collect goatee, hairstyle, eyes, size.
And it's like, okay, I just look.
So maybe I'm just basic.
Maybe I just look like a basic person.
You're pretty normal looking guy.
You could be like a leading man in an afternoon show.
Thanks.
Like a cheap sci-fi show or something.
Yeah.
I'm like the video game character when you get to design your own avatar.
I'm just the basic first option.
You can pick the normal guy or you can customize and be who's the guy that's in that guy you always get compared to.
He was in Narcos and then he was in the main guy.
Yeah, we'll get a picture of him right here.
We'll find it.
You're like the poor man's version of that guy.
Yeah.
The dollar store, 99 cents.
Version.
Well, you probably could pull it off.
I mean, you could upgrade.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I could upgrade.
Why not?
How do I upgrade?
You're a good-looking guy.
Thanks.
I make you look good.
You're sitting across from me.
Well, I'm a person of not morbidity.
And so.
Yeah.
You're a person of repulsive normality.
I wonder what you count as on the scale.
Well, in terms of weight.
Yeah, when they tell you what you are.
I weighed one time and it was like I was on the low end of obese.
Yeah, because it's pretty.
Because the scales are like.
It jumps into morbid obesity pretty early on.
It's like it gets to it quick.
But that was a while ago.
I've lost a lot of weight since then.
Like, I've lost 20 or 30 pounds.
You're probably overweight now.
I'm probably considered like, yeah.
Because I know, yeah.
That's the famous thing.
Like all these big stars, like Brad Pitt would be considered overweight according to the BMI scale or whatever.
Yeah.
I say let's throw off the shackles of the BMI scale.
But love yourself.
I'm fine with keeping morbid.
We just need to add adjectives to everybody else, and I'm fine with it.
Just to make it fair.
Yeah, just fairness.
Are we ready to go on to our exciting topic of the week?
Oh, topic of the week.
Let's do it.
And now, the Babylon Bee's topic of the week.
We just said, let's do it at this time.
Oh, we did.
I didn't even notice.
That's our second time in this episode.
We've said the exact same thing.
We're syncing up in some weird way.
All right.
Well, we finally got it.
We have this new feature on the Babylon Bee website.
We've been working on it for a while.
It's called the worship song generator.
Yeah, it generates worship songs.
And that's what it does.
Because worship songs are a little formulaic.
Yes, they are.
They're a little repetitive.
So we did a sermon generator and we did a church name generator.
And that was like, I don't know, two or three years ago.
And I designed a worship song generator at the same time.
And then we just never did it.
And it's just been sitting in my back pocket.
Adam sold the site to Seth.
We didn't have the technology to do it anymore because they built the site out.
And I was just like, yeah.
So finally, I messaged Dan Dylan, who develops the site.
I said, hey, I've got this old worship generator.
See if you can do anything with it.
So he replicated our old generators and made it.
And it's a lot of fun.
It's uh, so yeah.
It gives you a title.
What's some of the science that went into creating this?
Chorus and bridge and chords to create the algorithm.
Did you like so?
When I designed sneak into Chris Tomlin's room at night and steal some of his DNA exactly and spread it across a little glass slide, scan that all into a computer, figure it out, get a computer, parse it all out, work that into the matrix.
I did.
So it's yeah, all of that.
All the things you just said.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If you want to keep going, you can.
Third day, you got some of that.
But I took Chris Tomlin and then I took like some of the hymns that he rips off.
I cut a couple of the hymns out of the hymnal.
You take the parts he messed up and put them in there.
And then I put them in.
There's like a big cauldron that's just bubbling with all of this stuff.
Yeah.
Oh, it's a cauldron.
I don't know.
Well, whatever.
Yeah.
If this is, if you want to be like science, then it'll be like a Bunsen burner.
I'm never sure what science had against Bunsen.
They're just modern-day cauldrons, really.
I mean, science.
Like, they always talk about the Salem Witch trials when they ever talk about the burning of Bunsen.
That's stupid.
I'm sorry.
It's the worst thing on earth when you laugh that hard at your own really bad jokes.
Sorry.
I'm crying again.
I don't know why the term the burning of Bunsen is so funny to me.
Continue, Kyle.
So we thought what we would do today at the Palmy podcast is play some of you guys.
We're done.
We're gonna.
I can't, I can't recover from Bunsen.
It's because Bunsen can't recover from Bunsen.
The Muppet Bunsen.
It's actually Benson.
He's a little green guy with glasses.
I'm imagining him like burning at the stake.
And it's just so funny to me.
What about Beakers?
Yeah, Beakers probably screaming and down like Mother Mary.
Bunsen's being burned alive.
Yeah.
So we put up this worship song generator and we generated nearly 200,000 unique worship songs from our yeah, that's a lot.
There was probably how many people have pushed the button?
Well, probably only like 50 people did.
Okay.
Yeah, they pushed it like 600 times.
Freaking out, clicking, oh my gosh, more trying to get a good more.
And yeah, they work out pretty well.
So it gives you a unique title.
So I just clicked on one.
I just generated one.
Okay.
This worship song is called Eternal Everlasting Fire.
Okay.
And the verse just repeats over and over again.
We just invite you into this place now, Father God.
And then the chorus says, Even in the darkness, you are unforgivingly bright.
And then the bridge says, Because I have 10 bazillion reasons to sing.
And it's all set to the chords G, D, E minor C.
So very easy to call.
That was actually pretty realistic.
Like, I could see that.
Yeah.
Yeah, I saw one the other day that was this is a real song.
It was uh, it was just it said, You are good, you are good.
Oh, you are good, you are good.
That's a real song now.
You heard that one?
Oh, you are good.
You good?
Oh, is that the one you're telling us about?
The goodness of God, or is that the difference?
I like the goodness of the songs.
All right.
But that one, that's the whole chorus.
And then they had the verse was just, oh, or something like that.
Here's one called Vigorous Praise Explosion.
We like, want you here in this place.
Vigorous praise explosion.
Over and over again.
And then the chorus is run us over like a dump truck.
And then the bridge is insane, reckless, scandalous, unstoppable is your crazy affection for me.
We got some people to send in songs.
Yeah, we didn't actually even ask for this.
Yeah, we never even put a call out for it, but we got some people that actually recorded randomly generated worship songs off the devil.
And they made them real.
And some of them are pretty dang good.
So let's listen.
And through the first one.
The sparks of pain Oh, the lightning Run us over like a dumb truck.
Truck.
Because if you're...
That's fast.
Come on.
Whoa, okay, here we go.
Acting to your praise of saints.
What church does she go to?
It's fantastic.
Like the church of Janice Joplin.
Oh, no.
Won't you buy me?
That was very worship leader-esque.
Like, go, she just went for it.
Just went for it.
That's more like the guy next to you.
That's true.
Guy behind you, and you got a turn.
So was that JC and Karis Chambers?
Did I get that right?
JC and Karis Chambers.
My sister's name is Karis.
Karis, that's the real name.
Yeah.
Karis.
Karis.
Means Grace.
In the original Latin.
I'm just kidding.
It's Greek.
We got another one.
This is Lacey and Raina Cornelison.
I just can't even with my first world problems right now.
My first world problems right now.
I just can't even.
We love to live to honor you.
We live to praise you.
We love to live to honor you.
We live to love to praise you.
Insane, reckless, scandalous, unstoppable is your crazy affection for me.
Insane, reckless, scandalous, unstoppable is your crazy affection or the no instruments power clapping.
Yeah, and the drum starts to develop.
That's the best part.
I imagine somebody singing that right there.
Oh, yeah.
Great work.
Absolutely.
Who were they?
Who was that one?
That was Lacey and Reyna.
Lacey and Reina.
Cornelson.
Cornelson.
That's beautiful.
Corn.
You know what's funny is that Bridge Nelson.
I could actually see people singing that bridge like in an actual worship series.
Totally.
Okay, so now we have songs.
All of these sound like all the names of these worship songs could also be a word for a horrible diarrhea.
Thundering heaven deluge by Jeremiah Webster.
Let's hear that.
We just invite you into this place now, Father God.
I see nothing sounds like a real worship.
Wanna know what love is?
I want you to show me.
We just invite you into this place now, Father God.
It all sounds like a real, it sounds so legit.
I'll sing even when my hair bursts into flames.
Come on, can you feel the fire?
An electric keyboard in there.
Until my head turns into flames Into flames Into flames Into flames Into flames This guy had too much fun Yeah, so we should also mention that in the words of generator, we say, like, you repeat this four times.
Yeah, 16 times.
And people were so committed, they actually did all the all rotations.
So we cut these up so that they're not 10 minutes long.
Yeah, but like that song, the full version is like seven minutes long.
But he was very committed.
Jeremiah Webster there was very committed.
Yeah, I was.
Yeah, the full seven minute, he did all the whole band.
It's impressive.
All right.
One more from listeners.
This is from Kevin Grant and it's called Eternal Body Ember.
Wow.
Same XBX Switchbook.
You are my best friend forever.
You are my best friend forever.
I submerge myself in your grace like a fountain of cheese on to this.
It's like Kyle's style training.
We just invited you into this.
That went quite a few times.
You are my best friend forever.
The breakdown.
Drum solo.
I was expecting the big drum feel to build back up, but we probably just cut it.
So you're going to try to do one yourself, right?
We're going to test it out.
We.
We.
Together.
Or we could, you know, we'll take turns or however you want to do it.
We'll just fill it out.
I forgot my tambourine.
The only thing I just thought of is that the guitar won't be mic'd.
Maybe I should aim my mic at your guitar while you play.
I'm trying to do one that doesn't have one of the lines that was already tricky parts.
I like the bridge that says, let the bodies hit the floor.
I love run us over like a dump truck.
I'm disappointed that was already used.
We can't.
How long are we going to spend refreshing the worship generator live on YouTube?
We're just going to do it as long as we need to.
Okay.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, there's one.
You are good, good, good, good.
That's a real song.
Okay, uh, you're filling.
Oh, here we go.
I can do this one.
Okay.
That's the other weird thing: I can't see the lyrics you have.
So, well, just repeat the same lines over and over again.
so you can catch on I can kind of like do this yeah do that in between Please stand, everybody.
I'm putting immense pressure on you all to stand right now.
Or you don't love Jesus.
This is called this is a you're filling up the air I'm breathing.
You're filling up the air I'm breathing.
You're filling up the air I'm breathing.
Sounds like a fart song.
Filling up the air I'm breathing.
Filling up the air.
Drop your nuclear bomb of grace.
Drop your nuclear bomb of grace.
We don't want it to go away.
Drop your nuclear bomb of grace.
We don't want it to go away.
And we'll stand in all of your sloppy wet kisses forever.
Forevermore.
We'll stand in all of your sloppy wet kisses forever.
Stand right now, church.
Sing, drop your nuclear bomb.
Drop your nuclear bomb of grace.
It's like when they play a new song at church.
I don't know what it says.
Go away.
That was called Blazing Hope Downpour.
All right.
That was beautiful.
Can I try one?
Let's try it.
We'll do okay.
So try like a third day.
Feel like a third day style, maybe?
Yeah.
Oh dear.
Yeah, once again, I'm trying to find one that's not already been done.
We need to fill the list more.
Okay, here we go.
So it's GDL.
When I feel sparks of love, I know I'm in lightning storm.
Lightning storm.
When I feel spark of love.
Sparks of love.
I know I'm in lightning storm.
Lightning storm.
Show us how we can believe in you and science at the same time.
Same time.
Show us how we can believe.
In you and science at the same time.
Same time.
Because there's no Turning back now.
Turning back now.
Because there's no turning back now.
Show us how we can believe.
Either chorus wrong.
And you and science.
At the same time.
Everybody.
Show us how we can believe.
Feeling in you and science at the same time.
Same time.
Because there's no turning back now.
Turning back now.
This is like that episode of The Office.
Read your face.
I love how those lines go together.
Show us how we can believe in you and science at the same time because there's no turning back now.
So if anyone from Hillsong or Chris Tomlins Camp, any of those groups are listening, you're welcome to use our worship song generator.
For a small fee.
Yeah, but we do demand royalties because we don't be like the hymn writers that got all their words taken.
So I really want to quickly read.
We brainstormed a ton of lyrics for these.
There are some bonus lines here.
Lines we almost used.
Yeah.
Maybe they're in there.
I don't know.
Maybe we'll add later.
Your love is crazy, God.
You can't get enough of me.
Can't get enough of me.
You hold me.
I hold you.
Like a body pillow in life storm.
Should we try to sing them?
I submerge myself in your grace.
Oh, that's in there.
Found the cheese fondue.
It's made it made it.
Yeah, but we didn't.
The second part of the line.
Oh, like a fountain of cheese fondue.
Let me dip my bread again.
Can't get enough of you.
I think you're really neat.
I can't do that.
I think you're really neat.
Chickens have T-Rex feet.
That was Frank, wasn't it?
Yes, Frank.
I'll rest in you like a corpse in a bowel of grizzlies.
Your yoke is light, maybe only 33 calories.
Our God's not dead.
He is surely alive.
Roaring like a lion, covered in eyes.
Holy Spirit, we grant you permission to enter this space.
You may enter.
Come on in.
Come on in.
Don't be shy.
Okay, here we go.
Your love fills me up.
I'm 700 pounds.
And thanks to you, I can't leave my house.
You help me, Kung Fu.
Chop the ninjas of sin.
The ninjas of sin.
What was that song?
I just saw something.
Help me, kung fu.
The ninjas of sin.
The ninjas of sin.
Whatever happened to the girl echo parts, man.
That was in the 90s.
That was like when it's like women and men sing this part.
Yeah.
Those who identify sing this part.
Build me up like a sandwich.
Don't withhold the mayo.
Sit.
Are you okay?
This one.
I realized what you're going to read.
Do you want to do it?
Yeah, you do it.
You do it.
Set me on fire like a hobo.
Light me up.
That's horrible.
That's right.
I love all the songs that tell God to just light you on fire.
Light me up.
Napoleon me, Lord.
We didn't do any good, uh, what's that?
Thermite.
We got to do a good thermite line.
Good mustard gas jokes.
I lost the uh, where's the hobo?
There he is.
How'd I get so lucky?
I'm Ernie.
You, my rubber ducky.
You can sing that about anybody that you love.
Put me in the chokehold of your majesty.
Render me unconscious with your love.
That reminded me of what's that?
Have you heard that song?
Jesus is a friend.
Don't mind.
Jesus is my friend.
Unconscious with your love.
Forget my sins like a Marvel movie.
Seen once, but never recalled again.
It was a lesser Marvel movie.
A lesser Marvel movie.
It's like to me it's all Marvel movies.
That's true.
But it's like the Captain America movie.
Forget my sins like a lesser Marvel movie.
It's like Iron Man 2 or Captain Marvel.
Yeah.
It was one of those Marvel movies.
Actually, you reminded me that Jesus is a friend of mine song.
Some of those lines would work perfect in here.
Yeah, they're awesome.
Like, Jesus is a mountie who always gets his man.
That's a line of the song.
That's a line.
A mountie?
He is like a mountie who always gets his men.
It's like a Calvinist mountie.
Oh, dear.
I don't know what to do.
Surrounded by yaks.
Oh, I wrote this one second.
Remember those commercials?
I can't believe you're not butter.
Yeah, I remember them.
I can't believe you're not butter spray.
Hey!
Hey!
There I got.
Oh, that's a you're not you.
Your holy water rushes out like an unshaken mustard bottle.
I wrote that one when I was squeezing mustard onto my head's hot dog.
So you had one hand on the side.
You get to shake it.
You're like, oh, water rushing out.
Water rushing out?
Where's your song?
Yeah.
You have no flaw.
You won't disappoint.
You weren't directed by Rianne Johnson.
That almost went to commercial diddy mode.
Directed by Rian Johnson.
From the Bisco.
Brief, smart, and faithful.
Still got to record that.
All right, here's the last one.
The final one.
You own my heart, Lord.
Help me own the libs.
That was very commercial.
That was very commercial diddy.
We were stuck in commercial ditties.
Well, I hope people laughed half as much as we did.
And so I feel bad.
We just want to apologize for this whole thing.
You know, there is a skip forward feature.
If you just started not laughing.
You can watch it in two times.
That'd be pretty funny.
I can't believe you're not butter spray.
We're moving on to hate mail.
I really miss Adam F. All right.
This guy doesn't like us.
This is a classic hate mail.
Classic.
This is going to go up there in the greats, and it's just very.
It's quintessential.
The problem with most hate mail is they go on.
Yeah.
They're not brief and they don't just get right to the point.
And I'm guessing he's not being honest about his name.
This is true.
He's very clever.
His first name sounds legit, Seymour.
But the last name, Butts.
Now, I did know a Kate Butts in high school.
So it's possible that this is a real person.
And I may have just doxed him.
I don't know, but I'm assuming that's not real.
My gut's telling me that's not real.
I would probably agree with you, especially because his email is flowerbed you at you.com.
Is that mywebsite.com?
It's you.com.
F-U at you.com.
You want to read it?
You want me to read it?
Okay.
Reason, complain, message.
Are we using the flowerbed?
Are you going to add it later?
I don't know how this works.
You got it.
Okay.
Go flowerbed.
That was okay.
Let's try it again.
Go for yourself.
You worthless garbage bags of vomit.
No period needed.
We were discussing this about how he specifies that these are worthless garbage bags of vomit as opposed to all the real valuables.
Yeah.
What are some of the valuable?
You don't want to be confused with valuable, like the final vomit of Elvis Presley.
That would be priceless, probably.
Yeah, that's yeah.
You keep that in a museum.
Because he's worried that he says you guys are bags of vomit.
And we're like, oh, we're like the Elvis Presley.
Yeah, like Jimi Hendrix.
Anybody who died vomiting.
Oh, like all the rock stars.
Yeah, pretty much all rock stars.
There could be museum of rock star death vomit.
He's like, you guys are basically like Hitler's vomit.
Although some historical museum might.
Someone would want that.
Yeah, it might not be worthless.
It might not be worth it.
Or the Nazi Museum.
Maybe like Nazis somewhere else.
Hitler's alligators vomit.
There's people like alligators.
I'm thinking like sex offender Roy Thurman from New Jersey.
Nobody knows who he is.
We don't want bags of vomit from that guy.
Nobody wants that.
Like you could offer anybody the hungriest man on earth.
No, I won't eat that.
If you're really hungry, could you be brought to if you're so hungry?
Would you eat a bag of vomit?
No.
Ever?
You die?
You'd rather die?
But if it's somebody else's, then there's going to be nutrients in there that you need.
I mean, you prolong your life for a little bit and then you probably throw it up anyway.
And then you probably die even faster.
I think that everybody has different vomit, so that their vomit could be food to you if you're really hungry.
That's just my thought.
I'm just throwing out ideas.
We have another one.
All right, one more.
This sounds like a fake, maybe a fake name, too.
Yeah, it's just the most common name you could possibly think of.
Like a character in Pocahontas.
John Smith.
Yeah, something like that.
And here's what he says: This is about the article inspiring.
Celebrities spell out we're all in this together with their yachts.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we'll need the flower beds ready for this one, too.
He says, This is such flowerbed.
It's photoshopped.
It's the same boat over and over.
You're the problem with the internet.
Oh, no.
You're the problem with internet.
Stop the flowerbed.
I like that.
He stands and looks over the internet.
The internet.
No, not the internet.
He says internet.
Internet.
You're the problem with internet.
So he surveys the great landscape of internet.
Or is he blaming us for his connection?
He's like, this is why it's so slow.
Everybody's loading this image.
There's all this garbage on here that nobody needs to see.
Like, fake story about yachts?
Which real sleuth work he realized.
But some people didn't.
Some people actually thought it was real when I blatantly used the same five boats over and over again in that thing.
Yeah, this guy actually is of a higher intelligence level than the people who were like, I can't believe the celebrities idiots.
They should be burned at the stake.
So it's funny that he was far enough to figure out that it's fake, but not to figure out that it's Santa.
He just got halfway there.
We thought we were fooling everybody.
You look at it, there's one boat that has a really big shadow, and all the other ones don't.
That's the dead giveaway right there.
Yeah, how many boats were involved in the making of the like I said, like five.
It's like five different ones.
Actually, I did it pretty fast because it was a busy day.
Yeah, it was a lot of work.
Well, sorry for being the problem with internet.
The problem with internet.
The problem with internet.
I have nothing to add to that.
Are we moving on?
We got a mailbag.
We're going to do some answers for questions we're going to do on subscriber portion.
We have some mailbag questions asking us what it's like to be to run a really famous website, but nobody knows who we are.
So we're going to pull back the curtain a little bit and tell you about our Kyle's going to cry a little bit this time.
I did all the crying last week.
Ethan's going to try his hardest to get me to cry.
So subscribers, joy.
That's the end.
Yeah.
Freeloaders.
Get out.
Throwing you off the boat.
We love you.
Thank you for watching and listening.
Goodbye.
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