This is the Babylon Bee weekly news podcast for the week of 3/18/2020. In this episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle discuss the week's big stories like how our entire society has turned upside down and now the nerds rule, the rise of black markets in hand sanitizer, and how churches our delivering communion elements via drone. They then discuss how we shouldn't be afraid of coronavirus and how the entire world is under God's control. In the subscriber portion, Kyle and Ethan mull over rejected headlines from subscribers and some of the writers. It's another exciting segment of 'Almost A Headline!'. Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Show Outline Introduction - Kyle and Ethan talk about heroes as a recurring motif in rock songs, Ethan's wife video chats Ethan from the furniture store, and the guys discuss how people seem to be doing home improvement projects during this coronavirus shutdown. Story 1 - Nation's Nerds Wake Up In Utopia Where Everyone Stays Inside, Sports Are Canceled, Social Interaction Forbidden Italy Totally Fine Thanks To Universal Healthcare System (From Snopes) The article references a document drawn up by health officials in Turin, a city in Northern Italy hit hard by the virus, with guidelines for if and when "It becomes impossible to provide all patients with intensive care service." In such a case, the document says, "It will be necessary to apply criteria for access to intensive treatment, which depends on the limited resources available." 'The criteria for access to intensive therapy in cases of emergency must include age of less than 80 or a score on the Charlson comorbidity Index [which indicates how many other medical conditions the patient has] of less than 5.' Story 2 - Drug Cartels Switch To Producing Hand Sanitizer Ethan and Kyle act out an episode of 'Breaking Purell.' Story 3 - Churches Switch To Remote Drone Delivery For Communion Topic of the Week - Latest Numbers On Coronavirus: 100% Of World Still Under God's Control Everything-- even church-- being shut down from Coronavirus. "Do not be afraid."- Jesus Love Mail/Hate Mail/ Feedback - A dramatic slam poetry minute with Dave DeAndrea. You can not miss this beatnik slam poem sesh! Paid-subscriber portion (Starts at 00:53:25) Kyle and Ethan laugh and mull over rejected headlines from subscribers and the writers. We love our subscribers! They make what we do at The Babylon Bee possible! Please consider becoming a subscriber! Become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans.
In a world of fake news, this is news you can trust.
Dousing the communicable diseases of culture with the hand sanitizer of Jesus.
You're listening to the Babylon Bee with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
The world needs a hero at a time like this.
And that hero is a man in a yellow suit with super suction ears.
And his name is Ethan Nicole.
The heavens and the mountains above, the wind and the sea.
I can feel his approach like a fire in my blood.
Like a fire in my blood.
That's Bonnie Tyler.
Holding out for a hero.
I need a hero.
Sorry.
Mine was closely related to Christian culture, being the Larry boy.
I mean, isn't Bonnie Tyler music about Jesus?
I don't know.
I don't even know who Bonnie Tyler is.
Holding out for a hero in the edge of the night.
He's got to be good.
He's got to be strong.
He's got to be fresh from the fight.
That sounds like who's more fresh from the fight than Jesus Christ.
That sounds like Jesus to me.
Yeah, he was punching Satan in the face.
He's got Satan's teeth in his knuckles.
Yeah.
There goes my hero.
Well, you went Foo Fighters on me.
Watch him as he goes.
There was like a period where lots of songs are about heroes.
I know.
I feel like waiting for hero to save me.
Yeah.
I'm not going to sit there and wait.
And wasn't like Bob Dylan's son have one?
Or am I wrong about that?
Those in the Godzilla movie?
What was that?
Yeah, there was some hero song in the Godzilla.
Something like that.
Was that the real one?
Superman.
They had Superman like every song.
Was there a Godzilla?
Was that the one?
It's like, I'm a Superman.
Oh, Three Doors Down.
Kryptonite.
Yeah, Kryptonite.
Yeah, there's another one.
I don't know.
We did not plan this conversation.
Do we plan any of our conversations?
Some.
They're the worst ones.
It's best, unscripted, pure, raw, unadulterated.
Because we are improv.
Well, my wife is trying to FaceTime me in the middle of the podcast.
So I take it.
We've got the video.
We do have a video.
Don't say anything.
I'm on the podcast right now.
What would she have said?
What kind of things does she say when?
Bad.
You FaceTimed me.
I'm at the furniture store.
Okay, I just didn't want to make sure it wasn't anything.
Can you show the camera?
Your one?
This is our first time.
We're on camera.
This might not go on, but we're on camera.
Hey.
What furniture store are you at?
What furniture store?
Like Living Spaces.
Living Spaces.
I thought we got some from them and hated them and swore never to go back.
I can't always.
I can never remember.
Living Spaces and more.
One of them I like, one of them I don't like.
More furniture for less.
More MOR.
But which one is good and which one is bad?
Yeah, I can't remember.
You might have to text me.
I don't know.
We're in the middle of recording.
This is going to be on the podcast right now.
You are on the podcast.
You are on.
All right.
Oh, he hung up.
Wow.
We could have let Babylon fans pick out the furniture for you.
I don't know if she agrees on the priorities that I should have stopped recording to get into that.
I don't care.
We should get in a bed for Ezra.
Let him pick it whatever, as long as it costs a million dollars.
That's all I have.
He's going to pick the race car bid.
Yeah, you think so?
For sure.
I think it's bad.
Racism is over.
We need to move on from that.
What if they have a garbage truck bed?
Yeah, Calvin would want to.
Oh, yeah, Ezra wouldn't want it.
Well, Calvin's going to move on to Ezra's current.
Oh, no.
Eliza's moving up to the top bunk.
Calvin's going to move to the bottom bunk, which is huge.
And then Ezra's going to get his own room.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, gotcha.
I heard a lot of people are doing this.
Like they're doing remodeling and like house projects, spring cleaning during this whole coronavirus thing.
My wife started painting the walls.
Yeah.
I know the moment these kids get their, they're going to switch rooms, they're all going to want to repaint it because Ezra's going into Lily's room, which is all painted yellow.
So he's going to want to be like camouflage or something.
I hate painting so much.
I hate painting.
I hate it too, and I'm terrible at it.
And that's my strategy is just to continue being.
It's all on you.
Like when you're the dad or the husband of the house or whatever.
The ultimate outcome of that project is on you.
Everyone can help, but they can just kind of act like they're in like a Lavern and Shirley video or something and like goof off.
You're the guy who has to sit there and be like, oh, this corner's bad.
Oops, this is bad.
No one's going to go.
Hey, no one's going to else going to be held accountable for those mess-ups at the end, right?
It's a high calling being a father.
I like the image of Ethan sitting there yelling at his family painting.
I'm going to be the one responsible for this.
They're all dancing and like rubbing their butts against the wall.
Look at the corner.
Oh, the corner.
You didn't take those edges.
Well, everybody, welcome to the Babylon B podcast.
Welcome.
I'm Kyle Mann and this is Ethan Nicole.
I don't know if I ever said my name, but you didn't?
Well, because I introduced you as Larry Boy and you started singing some Bonnie Tyler.
Oh, that was Larry Boy.
I should know this stuff because I worked.
I wrote like veggie tales.
We completely ignored the old ones if it wasn't obvious.
Did you guys know?
Was there no Larry Boy?
Was there ever Larry Boy?
Oh, yeah.
I wrote all the Larry Boy.
That was like a scientific guy.
I wrote all the Larry Boy episodes.
No, yeah, okay.
Gotcha.
Gotcha.
We were trying to, you know, make it more violent and kind of like the new Batman.
Trying to make it gritty.
Really gritty.
Yeah.
A lot of blood and vegetable juice.
Military technical juice, vegetable, tomato juice, V8.
Should we get into stories?
Yeah, so this is a podcast where we discuss the news and then we discuss topics and then we have hate mail and it's a glorious time.
So thanks for joining us, everybody.
Indeed.
And here we go.
Let's cover the stories of the week.
Every week there are stories.
These are some of them.
Well, the nation's nerds this week woke up in a utopia where everyone stays inside.
Sports are canceled and all social interaction is forbidden.
I wouldn't know since I'm not a nerd.
You kind of identify with this, though, even though the word nerd.
I totally do.
Yeah.
I wouldn't call you a nerd.
I'm in a weird name.
You do have like, yeah.
You have an entire room full of comic books, do you?
I'm not the opposite of a nerd.
So I'm in the loneliest position you can be in because I'm both not a nerd and I'm not the opposite of a nerd.
I'm just a weird, I don't fit anybody.
Ethan is the loneliest number.
Yeah.
It's true.
Yeah.
Well.
Yeah, you know, I was hearing all these things about NBA being canceled and MLB being pushed back.
That's MLB being pushed back.
There's your baseball.
Hockey being canceled.
Everything.
That's awesome.
And I was just like, that doesn't really affect my life at all.
Not in the slightest.
But it probably has economic effects that ripple.
Yeah, that is the thing that's worrying me.
Like our friend Matt at the cigar shop was talking about the effect it's having on his painting business.
Oh, the yeah, everyone's canceling.
Yeah.
He has one of those shops where you go in and you drink some wine, you paint.
Paint, yeah.
You paint while drunk with your wife.
And because you know the wife isn't talking to go in.
Like, guys don't go alone to do this, I don't think.
I go all the time, but I'm just.
It's like a date night thing.
It's called Purple Easel.
Yeah, if you live in the Inland Empire, go to Purple Eight.
Check out Purple Easel for a date night.
Because it's less than two.
You're not going to get coronavirus there.
Right.
And it's small, intimate.
My wife loved it.
She took me.
We went on a date.
No, the Babylon B does not actually guarantee that you will not get coronavirus.
Yeah, it's just less than that.
But it's very unlikely.
Yeah, drink because you're supposed to bring your own drinks and stuff, so just bring really strong alcohol to counteract the germs.
That's very scientifically accurate.
Very good.
I remember I respect that.
I remember, don't touch your face, anybody.
Yeah, Kyla.
Well, I touch your face all the time too.
I'm just teaching on my nose.
It's like, what are you supposed to do?
I get the itch, and I'm just like, I go outside, I'm like, okay, not touch your face.
And I'm just like, well, what am I supposed to do?
I've got a scratch.
I've got an itch I have to scratch.
And a scratch I have to itch.
Whole scratch.
You know, so what are you going to do?
Yeah.
But the good news is that Italy is totally fine.
Right, because they have single-payer universal health care, which I've seen many people tell us that the whole reason that the U.S. is struggling right now is because they don't have that single-payer universal health care.
Right.
But Italy's cool.
Yeah.
All the truckloads of coronavirus are going to the Italian border.
And then they're like, hey, look at this.
We've got automatic healthcare.
And the virus is like, oh, sorry.
I'm afraid to joke here because the truth is that things are really bad in Italy right now, right?
They're bad in a lot of places.
Yeah.
Significantly bad.
I don't know if it's probably part of it's probably that Italy has a very old population.
I believe I read that.
So this was inspired by a story that's going around that Italy's turning away old people and choosing to let old people die.
When I looked into it, it's not technically true.
At least from what I read, though I did read Snopes, and can we really trust Snopes?
I don't know.
Yes.
Yes, okay.
They're an independent fact checker.
It says it right there on the website.
But there's not cases of actual people being left to die, but that they have all this stuff written into, like, for instance, I found this document drawn up by health officials in Turin.
I think that's where the shroud came from, a city in northern Italy, hit hard by the virus with guidelines for if and when it becomes impossible to provide all patients with intensive care service.
In such a case, the document says it'll be necessary to apply criteria for access to intensive treatment, which depends on the limited resources available.
Criteria for access to intensive therapy in cases of emergency must include age of less than 80 or a score on the Charleston combrobidity index, which indicates how many other medical conditions the patient has of less than five.
So there's like a scoring system on whether or not they'll treat you if things get bad.
And isn't this like the thing that I remember that I remember Sarah Palin got like completely hammered for saying that there would be death panels, quote unquote?
Isn't that what that is?
Like if you're creating this like line for who can and can't, like that person couldn't buy their health, they couldn't buy their health care.
You're like, nope, you're old.
You're out.
Anyway.
Oh, Sarah Palin was on the mask singer.
Was she?
What?
Yeah, she was on the mask singer.
Which one was she?
Because I watched that sporadically, and then Twitter ruins it for me.
It'll suddenly pop up.
Was she good?
A good singer?
Hold on.
Yeah, Sarah Palin shocks everyone by rapping on the mask singer.
She was this pink and blue thing.
What was she?
I don't know.
Huh.
She came out and sang and stuff.
Wow.
Oh, she was the bear.
The bear.
I don't remember the bear.
I don't know.
I must not watch.
I watched there's two sets.
This just happened recently, like in the last week.
Spoiler alerts, everybody.
Oh, sorry.
Sarah Palin is a mask singer.
I don't even know.
Is that a spoiler one?
I guess it is.
Yeah, that's the weird thing about that show.
The whole thing's about not getting spoiled, that you want to see the moment the mask comes on.
Oh, gotcha.
So if you see that released online, there's no reason to watch the show now.
No reason.
Pretty much.
Except for the excellent music.
Just watching them sing and then watching all the judges.
The funniest thing about that show, I would love to see somebody combine.
If you watch the show, the reactions in the audience, it seems like everybody's high on cocaine.
They're just losing their minds over their nothing.
There's no reason.
Someone will sing a mediocre.
They'll sing a mediocre line.
The person will act like they're about to die from how good it was.
And I have this theory that they tell everybody to do all these reactions and they just edit them in later.
No, absolutely.
100%.
I've heard that they don't even film the reaction or they don't actually film in front of that giant audience, the person revealing who they are because it has to be a secret for a long time before it actually airs.
So I think they actually film that.
If you watch closely, there's only a few people in the front when they actually take it off.
So they tell everybody, hey, act like they're taking the mask off.
That's my guess.
Are you ruining reality TV for everybody?
Suggesting that it is not real.
Horrible.
Slightly reality.
Reality TV.
Slight reality.
Anyway, that is one show our family watches together where I do get involved.
Probably mainly just watch for Ken Jong.
I like that guy.
He's a judge.
Who is that?
The North Korean dick, too?
Yeah.
No, he's the Korean actor who's like, he's in a lot of stuff.
Okay.
Funny Asian guy.
He was a doctor who became a comedian.
He was on like the Hangover.
He was on Community.
Community.
Oh, I know who he is.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's in a lot of inappropriate films.
So that's why you know him and I don't.
Yeah.
Gotcha.
Well, it follows me on Twitter.
Well, anyway, yeah.
Didn't get a name drop on that.
So I ran out to the store and grabbed some milk and we actually found milk and I ran out and got it.
And I noticed that like my, everybody's kind of trying to stay away from each other now.
But I'm like, this is what I always do.
You hug people?
You rub up against people?
No, this is what I always do is stay away from people anyway.
So it's like my head's down.
I go right for what I want and I'm swerving out of the way of people not looking at people.
I'm like, oh, this is just my normal life.
So not much has changed.
Yeah, it was weird.
I went to Target once during this so far and like all the bread's gone.
All the meat's gone.
Like it's just barren shelves all over the place in Target.
That's a really eerie feeling.
And like the store was kind of empty.
There was people in there, but like it's like the masses had come and taken everything and now it's just the left.
We were kind of picking through the remnants.
Yeah.
Well.
That's a weird feeling in a society that's generally got just abundance to like suddenly have nothing on the shelves.
It's late stage capitalism for you.
Yeah.
We need socialism.
Yeah, because obviously they always have a huge abundance of bread.
Right.
That's what they're known for.
Yeah.
Wow.
I'm really starting to change my views.
Thanks.
I'm a good argumenter.
Argumentator.
Yeah.
Should we move on?
Let's do it.
We went a lot of places on that one.
Drug cartels switch to producing hand sanitizer.
Well, that makes sense.
It's probably another coronavirus joke.
Well, that's what everybody's talking about now.
Yeah.
I have websites that I go to to find the most talked about things so we know what to cover.
You know, we always do jokes that aren't connected to current events, but at the same time, it's like this is on the front five.
Everything.
It's like the front five pages of that site that I go to that shows.
It's all coronavirus.
It's all coronavirus or coronavirus related.
Economy related because people are freaking out over the economy.
Are you a follower or a leader, Kyle?
Oh, I'm a reactionary.
Are you a trailblazer?
Yeah, no.
Or a bail tracer.
Are you a news follower or a follow-newser?
Follow-newser.
Because I can make up what that is because that's not a real word.
That's true.
So drug cartel guys Selling hand sanitizer.
This inspired me to write a little play.
Yeah, I came into the office and Ethan was watching Breaking Bad.
Yeah.
And he said, oh, it's for work.
Yeah, it's for work.
So we're going to do, there's a famous scene.
It's one of my favorites in Breaking Bad when they introduce their well, in Breaking Bad, it's meth.
But in this, we call it Breaking.
You didn't remember came with a good alternate title, Breaking Purel or whatever.
That's very inspired.
Walter White will be producing blue hand sanitizer.
So we need Dan to be on the because we got there's four parts on this.
So can you do a Walt?
Do your Walt.
I don't really.
I mean, I'll just do like a gravelly voice.
Yeah.
Yes.
Sure.
And then Jesse.
You have to say, you have to be Jesse without swearing.
Anybody, if people haven't seen this, Walt's a teacher.
He resorts to making meth.
And then because he has money.
He says, yo, he has his white gangster student, Jesse Pinkman.
Yeah.
Teams up with him to sell the drugs, but then they end up getting mixed up with this really scary drug cartel guy.
Tuco.
So you're going to be Tuco.
Yeah.
Okay.
And I'm going to be Walt and Jesse.
Yeah.
And then there's another guy, Tuco's sidekick.
And that's going to have to be Dan.
Okay.
You ready, Dan?
He's just grumbling.
All right, ready?
So the scene is: we're in a junkyard.
We're all meeting.
So who's this other guy?
Is he Tuco's assistant?
He's Tuco's sidekick.
He's like kind of his assistant.
Gotcha.
Assistant cartel gangster.
This is it.
Okay, so it starts K.
Yeah.
What kind of sanitizer is this?
It's blue.
We use a different chemical process, but it is purer than purel.
It may be blue, yo, but it's the bomb, yo.
So that first one was Walden.
That was Jesse.
Yeah, thanks.
No, it was this.
Tight, Yeah.
Blue, yellow, pink.
Whatever, man.
Just keep bringing me that.
All right.
I'm starting to go in a different accent.
All right.
We're going to make a lot of money together.
Just remember who you're working for.
What did you say?
I was just saying they're working for you.
Are you saying they're stupid?
No, no.
I'm just saying.
Okay, so you're just saying they're saying you're not saying they're stupid.
So don't understand.
Are you saying that I'm stupid?
Is that it?
No.
Is that what you're doing?
No, no.
Tucco, Tuco.
Why don't we all just relax, huh?
Wash our hands of this whole thing.
I'm relaxed.
I'm relaxed.
Dang, man.
Look at that.
Look.
Man is covered in blood.
That's messed up.
Hey, yo, you should really get some hand sanitizer on that dog.
Woo!
Tight, tight, tight, tight.
Okay, Heisenberg, next week.
Like New Jersey at the end there.
This may be the last episode of the Babylonian podcast.
I could not do a Mexican accent.
I don't know.
It's because I'm so.
I just don't have a racist bone in my body, I think.
So I can't do it.
You try and it's just physically incredible.
I can't do it.
I thought I had it.
I tried.
Hang your head in shame, sir.
Okay.
Well, yeah, so.
Cool.
Do you guys have any hand sanitizer at your house?
We don't really.
I hate that stuff.
I've never used it.
I just don't use it.
My wife trust it.
She has the one on her key ring, you know, the one in the car.
Oh, we got it.
Always.
And I hate the feeling.
Like, if I do it, it's like my hands are all alcohol-y for a while.
Yeah.
My kids, who my two non-biological children, their father is a little scared of diseases, so he has it.
He uses it a lot, and he'll just pump it all over their hands constantly.
And their hands are all kind of, they get little.
It's just a little much.
People believe in it like it's magic.
Yeah, I've heard some people say it actually ruins your immune system because now you're not actually building up like natural immunity to this stuff and it's just like clean all the time.
That's not how you were designed to be.
Yeah, you're supposed to be filthy.
So go touch somebody's face in Target.
Think about Cavemen.
How'd they even get here?
Go lick a shopping.
They didn't have any Pureland and they probably ate some bats.
Go eat a bat.
Yeah.
Build up the immunity by eating mouthful.
And then you're good.
Like, that's probably what Ozzy Osborne was thinking.
He's been biting all these heads off bats because he's preparing.
He's probably fine right now.
He's on another level.
He's really operating decades ahead of this.
Ozzy Osborne from the future.
Yeah.
He's not Ozzy Oz dead.
He's Ozzy Oz born.
Is dead the opposite of born?
Kind of.
Dead.
I guess it is.
Yeah, I was born.
Yeah.
Born, died.
It's all coming together.
Yeah, well, you know.
All right, let's go on to our next story here.
All right.
Churches switch to remote drone delivery for communion.
And now the weather.
And now, Brian Williams.
Hello.
We're not doing that again.
I tried Tucco this week and Brian Williams.
What is happening to this show?
It's just turning into a bad accent.
Yeah.
Turning into a Dungeons and Dragon session.
Turning into Veggie Tales.
That's what bad accents.
That's that all the voices on Veggie Tales are just bad accents.
Except for Larry.
I have to be nice to Larry because he's going to come on the show soon.
Mr. Lunt.
I'm nice to Phil Visher's great creator.
And Sid Dolly.
Good cheeseburger.
Mr. Lunt's like a bad Mexican accent.
And that might make him be shakaswell.
Nezzer.
Is it Nezzer?
He's like.
He's like a black guy.
I never thought of it.
He's totally a black guy.
All I see is white people when I look at the vegetables.
Bob's the white guy.
All right.
So there have been, so, you know, coronavirus going around and also touch each other.
Did you go to church this week?
On my couch, I did.
Church did the live stream.
Yep.
Oh, you did a live stream?
The church did a live stream.
I don't know what our church did, but we just didn't.
We're heathens, I guess.
My wife was sick.
She generally does kind of like spearhead in the morning.
As the Bible says, women should be the spiritual leaders.
That's a bad house.
That's good.
But she's sick, and it just didn't even feel like a Sunday.
It was like, she's sick.
Everything's just kind of chaos.
So, yeah, we didn't go.
It was weird.
The church did it very slick, and they actually held a service at the church and filmed it.
And they actually had some of the leadership team up front.
So it looked like there was people there.
Were they in hazmat suits?
No.
But they were all, I mean, they were all close together, too.
But it's only 20 people, not a few hundred or whatever.
Well, our church is so small, it's like 20 people anyway.
There you go.
They probably just went.
Yeah.
I don't know what they did.
That's because you let women preach at your church.
I don't let them.
Well, I don't get up and scream.
You do allow them because you don't stand up.
Stand by passively.
Yeah.
All that it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.
Oh dear.
Oh, dear.
So what are some other churches and Christian celebrities doing to fight against?
He should go to the wisest among us to find out what they're doing.
So I know that Benny Hinn, who's known for laying hands on people, he obviously wouldn't cancel his giant gatherings because he could just heal everybody anyway.
You'd assume he has giant lines around the block right now because they can heal everybody corner virus.
Right.
So I heard he's healing everybody that pool cue.
Like they just stand back of it and he just pops him on the head.
Boink.
Yeah, or like knocks him out.
That's his thing.
He swings the coat and knocks.
He puts the pool cue through his two fingers, shuts one eye, puff him right between the eyes.
Do you think he could get like a little blue circle on their head, like some kind of like Indian version?
Do you think he could get a few of them in a row, like line them up and he makes the corner pocket?
Does he have to call it?
Fake your old corner pocket.
He could call us a shot.
Got him.
That is definitely what's happening.
So he has the people wearing solid-colored shirts on this side and people wearing striped shirts on this side.
Yeah.
He has to straighten out.
This is so dumb.
Ethan constantly making pool cue jokes.
There's something about the pool cue.
So every time you did the pool cue joke twice on your infographics.
Yeah.
Because when I make an infographic, I grab an old one and I just kind of repurpose it.
And then you're like, oh, there's a lot of repurposed jokes in that.
Because it already has the pool cue.
And the pool cue is already funny to me.
So my kids always like your infographics and they crack up at the she-bears.
Yeah, the she-bears always are in there.
And they crack up at the pool cue every time.
They love the pool cue.
I love the pool cue.
It's just a good gag.
So Joel Lostein has announced that his congregation is completely safe and quarantined from the gospel.
Perfect.
But that's just normal.
That's just the only way we do that anyway.
So nothing.
But they probably all have coronavirus.
But they're safe from the ghost.
Safe.
All right.
Dave Ramsey is isolating his entire family.
Each member is getting their own giant envelope.
You just stuffing them in there.
And he labels it.
Labels it.
Stacy.
Wife.
Child one.
I forget what his wife's name is because I just had it when I wrote that article about her.
Yeah.
Child number one.
Child number one.
Number two.
Dog.
Dave Dog.
And then once they're all sealed, he gets in his own.
Seals himself.
Yeah.
Pulls it down.
See you guys in maybe April.
Who knows?
Maybe June.
Until this whole thing passes us by.
Well, Kirk Cameron has done something really innovative.
He's got his stunt double.
Yeah, I heard he's a stunt double for a lot of stuff.
Yeah.
So he already has done this.
His stunt double will kiss.
Well, no, I think what does he do?
He kisses his wife.
He has to kiss an actress.
He'll have his wife stand in, though, I think.
Oh, if I remember right.
The wife is the stunt double for the girl.
Yeah, she'll stand in.
Or he'll get a stunt double, you know.
So now he's the harlot.
The harlot, yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
Then also swearing.
So he's hired this stunt double to just continue all physical contact.
Yeah.
Not only with women, but you know, anybody.
And do the swearing.
An odor knobs.
Any odorknobs he needs to do.
Anytime he has to eat a bat.
This guy.
Hey.
He taps him out and then get over here, Twitch.
Yeah.
And he looks like a really buff version of Kirk Cameron with kind of a half mullet.
Yeah.
And it's super grizzled and scarred up.
And from the back, it looks like him, and then he turns at the face.
Looks like nothing like him at all.
Looks like a WWE dropout.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So that's pretty, that's pretty smart.
Yeah, that's just John MacArthur.
He just tells the coronavirus to go home.
That was my best friend.
Was that Macaron?
Go home.
Go home.
It was very smart.
I was going to say it.
He goes, go home.
Go home.
Trying to add a little thing to it.
I don't know.
Yeah.
So he just told to go home and that was that.
No controversy.
But the best solution of all was Carmen.
Yeah, what did Carmen do?
He just curb stomps it like it's the devil, yo.
Wow.
Science.
Riding into the curb.
Crunch.
Let's turn back into Jesse there.
Coronavirus.
Billy Ray Cyrus.
I'm upside down on top of you like a.
Oh man, I thought I was going to try to do a freestyle Carmen rap.
I got coronavirus, Billy Ray Cyrus was a good start.
I know, and then I said, oh, yeah, wait, Cyrus.
I'm like, oh, you just did that one.
Yeah.
Wait, you could use gyrus from the Bible.
What did he do again?
you need to like combine two words like fire us like coronavirus is trying to fire us but we're uh what is bill ray cyrus known for Make you break your heart.
Make you break your heart, yeah.
And Miley.
Oh, yeah.
He made Miley.
But we're twerking it up like Miley Cyrus.
Oh, wait.
Brothers.
Five Iron Frenzy uses Billy Ray Cyrus in her.
Yeah.
It's kind of catchy.
It's kind of a virus.
You're cutting your hair like Billy Ray Cyrus.
But that's the only rhymes he has, so you've already used them.
Yeah, I used them.
Anyway.
Anyway.
That was not a good Carmen rap.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
We didn't prepare that part.
You're forgiven.
Like the Tuco part.
Like everything, unlike everything else in this podcast, was completely planned and prepared.
That part was not.
Yeah, but interesting to see these churches gathering remotely.
We're going to do it for at least two weeks, but it sounds like this thing's going to go on for a while.
Yeah, who's going to be the first to be like, you know what?
I'm just going to go.
This seems crazy.
I'm going to go do something.
Yeah.
I'm going to go into a concert.
Or we're going to perform.
Whoever wants to come see us.
like who's gonna like break it because i'm afraid we're gonna all become like this could be how it happens where we all become like uh like on surrogates where like everybody lives in a chair and they have their like ai version of themselves that goes out into the world because they like won't leave their house and they're all big fat people like uh me but also but like uh Yeah, but you put your hands farther out than you.
Yeah.
Bigger than me.
Like the people in Wally.
Yeah.
That just drive around in a little cart or whatever.
And we don't go to church.
We just go to like virtual church.
Yeah.
And the food gets delivered.
Like my brother's.
My brother didn't even notice.
He's like, oh yeah, I don't know because I get all my groceries online.
Well, I'm kind of already there just because I work at home most of the time.
I come in here, but we only have two or three people.
Yeah.
I don't watch sports.
I don't do sports.
The church thing is the only thing that we do go to physical church, obviously.
You need to go to a smaller church.
And then you could meet.
Yeah.
I don't know what the rule.
What's the rule in California?
It's like 30, 50 people.
I thought it was 250, but they'd make it smaller.
I don't know.
It keeps going down.
This is where you get that number.
And then the CDC said no gatherings more than 10.
What?
10?
Yeah.
That's some people's, that's like Mormon family.
Mormon family.
Yeah.
Or like my extended family.
I've went to my mom and dad's house.
So the cops are going to kick the door down.
You should be able to meet within your own family.
Then you can, like, if you want to wipe out your bloodline, that's up to you.
Yeah.
We should be praising this thing.
It's like a Darwinism.
Right.
Yeah.
If you're one of those people that's like, population, man, we've got to start killing people off.
We just got to start picking.
Then this is like a dream come true for people.
Coronavirus is a true climate activist.
Yeah.
Thank you, Coronavirus.
Social justice warrior.
Oh, it should, if only it would just kill the rich.
Oh, we need their money.
That's the problem.
But it is killing the rich.
I mean, well, affecting their old white guys.
Tom Hanks.
Tom Hanks.
Got infected.
Idris Silva.
He's not white, though.
But he's rich.
He's rich.
Gotta be.
I'm sure he's unliked for being rich, even though he's black.
You think so?
Well, at some wealth level, it doesn't.
Your other intersectional identities go away.
I don't know.
Billionaires.
All right, you ready to move on to our topic of the week, which is basically the same thing we've been talking about this whole time?
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
And now, the Babylon Bees topic of the week.
So we've been very sarcastic about this coronavirus.
I'm sure that there's people that are, there's hospitals with tons of people.
Like in Italy, they're talking about insane amounts of death.
Large numbers.
Overwhelming.
So, I mean, I almost like, I feel like we should talk on the serious side of this.
It's easy to kind of joke and joke and joke, but because I also do find my the cynic in me is like everybody's acting so up in arms and freaking out.
It's almost like a contest.
It feels like everyone's trying to like show who can be more virus paranoid than the next person.
And so I guess we didn't really plan this portion out at all, but this is just a conversation about what is what is your actual thought as a Christian in this time and when the world seems to be falling apart, when there's no bread at Target, crying out loud.
Yeah, I mean, I think a lot of it is a lot of it is relative, you know.
And as Christians, obviously, we have unique perspectives on death and hope.
And, you know, death is not the end.
And death is not the worst thing that can happen to you.
Yeah.
And that death is actually a natural part of life.
So I think there is a hope there.
Is it natural?
I thought it came in from sin.
Yeah, but a natural part in what we're living in now, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Death is something that will happen.
It's been promised to us.
So there's that element.
I think at the same time, obviously, we're not supposed to be stupid.
Did you see that tweet where Nashville had that concert?
Nashville's undefeated.
Undefeated.
Someone tweeted out this picture of hundreds of people just like a pit or whatever smosh pit at a country concert.
Like, screw the virus.
We're going to dance.
And it's spreading the virus to own the libs.
Yeah.
Destroyed.
Owned.
I imagine them just all like at like a bat salad bar.
Like, forget all you libs.
I'm eating some bat pizza.
Yeah.
So I think, I mean, there are some genuine concerns with overreaction.
And like we need to, we do need to look at this in perspective of other pandemics that have occurred and other epidemics that have occurred.
You know, and I've seen charts and stuff going around comparing the coronavirus to older ones.
But the real struggle with it and the problem is that this is just starting out.
And so we don't know where it's going to end up at the end of all this.
And you would hate to be like, oh, this is nothing.
Look at these other diseases.
They were way worse.
And then a million people died because we were cavalier about it.
Yeah.
You know, it does seem to me to be kind of an overreaction when you're like shutting down the global economy for something that.
Yeah, it's scary.
I'm afraid for people they're going to completely lose their businesses through this.
Yeah.
And I am concerned about the governmental abuse of power when you see people saying, you know, these businesses must shut down.
Churches cannot meet.
Yeah, that's scary too.
No, no, I'm saying that there's some wisdom maybe in not meeting.
And what part does the government play when you have a public health crisis like this?
So I'm not saying that it's entirely unwarranted, but at the same time, it is scary to see how far this goes and how used to this we get.
Because what if this isn't it?
What if it comes back?
What if there's another wave of this thing?
What if it mutates?
What if it just keeps a new cycle we're in?
Every year this happens, you know, then what do we do?
Do we have a government that now has the power to just say everybody stays home for the next three months?
Yeah.
You know, no more church.
That's scary.
I mean, it's scary when you think of it like that.
Yeah.
I'm not like a crazy conspiracy theorist.
I don't, you know, I don't think it's like something that was specifically caused for this, but I do think that people in power will take advantage of any crisis.
I think they do.
They see the opportunity and they grab it.
Yeah.
And they even think they're doing good.
Right.
They just go, you know, oh, well, we've, this is why I've been appointed to this position because I've been, you might even add God to the idea.
You know, like, oh, I'm here because these people need me to tell them how to run their lives.
Right.
But what I've noticed actually is that the government is not the one that is actually doing this stuff.
Like the people that are choosing to stay home, like if everybody just said, we're going to go out and meet, the government really couldn't shut that down.
Yeah.
I mean, you could shut down a few things.
You could have some kind of police response, some kind of national guard response, but you're not going to.
You're going to threaten the police, but we're going to sneeze at you if you get out here.
Yeah, exactly.
That was a Norm McDonald joke.
He's doing a stand-up comedy just before everybody started setting everything down.
He's like, and I realize, you know, I sneeze twice.
It's like I'm firing off a handgun right here.
I don't know.
He does it the norm way, but comparing sneezing to firing handguns at people.
In the norm way.
In the normal.
We'll try to imagine that we heard him.
Imagine it.
Yeah.
Imagine it.
We heard him tell the ship.
Yeah, he tells them better.
Sorry, Norm, I screwed your joke up.
That was very kind of you to say that Normac Down's a better stand-up comedian than you.
Well, first he is a stand-up comedian, but then he's better than every other stand-up comedian in the world.
Wow.
That's a lofty claim on your part.
It's true.
Ask anybody that knows what they're talking about.
It is crazy how much this thing changed our lives overnight.
Yeah.
Happened fast.
It was fast.
It was like, I think it was the night last week when I heard, I forget what it was that they were shutting down.
I think it was the night that the NBA canceled the NBA postponed its games or whatever.
And I heard that and I was like, oh, this is big.
The NBA is multi-millions and billions of dollars that they make.
And for that to be canceled, you know that they're serious about this guy.
That's crazy.
And in a lot of ways, I do feel a little bit proud of being part of a culture that will take the death of people that seriously.
If it was really like, a lot of people think that there's these, like we live in this caste system where the wealthy and the poor, there's this huge divide.
The wealthy could just wall themselves off and let us all die or whatever.
But we all kind of, as a community, like, you know, the rich and the poor are kind of, you know, the rich are looking out for the poor.
They're not keeping their hunger games going while they hide.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, yeah.
There's a, there's an in, there's an intrinsic value for life in our culture that I do believe is Judeo-Christian, you know, but that it's, it comes from the basis of our society that, you know, is Christian, was Christian, started, or at least in a biblical least, yeah.
Yeah.
Influenced by those ideas.
Yeah, sure.
Those ideas.
And, you know, America signed a contract with God to.
Yeah.
And every founding father was a hard, die-hard Christian.
Yeah.
And this light show from above.
Yeah, like if there was a third Bible written, it would be about America.
Right.
If there was another Testament of Jesus Christ, it would be about America.
And the devil would be go ahead.
Yeah.
Anyway, the Nephites.
The Nephites.
Yeah.
That sounds like.
Because that's from Mormon.
Mormonata.
Mormonism.
Mormonata.
I was trying to remember the word Mormonology or something.
That sounds like the mistakes in the Book of Mormon.
Mormonata.
Or like the books that some of them written.
The Nephites.
That sounds like there was a war that was fought where everybody just used their knees and it was really awkward.
Quit.
Quit it.
The knee.
The Nephites.
Just to be clear, what your joke is there.
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know.
I do feel like there is, I hate saying that there's any positive side to a huge global economic crisis and a bunch of people dying.
But there is a positive side in the sense that I've found that it has caused me to reevaluate what I'm investing time in, what's important.
My wife just recently started working at a salon and she's basically launching her own business, doing all this haircutting, and everybody's canceling her appointments.
She's home all the time.
And then for me, it's like, as a family, do we want to go out to eat?
No, we better stay home.
And so there is something nice in saying there's a few months here where we're all going to be together and we're going to be reminded of what's important.
I think God does use tragedy and crisis to remind us of that kind of thing.
Yeah, like in our family, we, you know, even having these issues with our teenage daughter, really separating yourself from everybody a lot and isolating yourself.
And now she's stuck with us.
And it's been good.
I mean, we had a really good day with her yesterday, and it's kind of forced everybody to kind of spend time together and accept it.
My wife built a giant fort in the living room for the little kids to be like.
Oh, I thought you just meant for her.
Yeah, for her.
You come over.
She's going to go there's this giant fort in the living room.
She's going crazy.
She's like building forts to make it fun for everybody.
Yeah.
That's like her.
I mean, her talent is right there.
Like, that's like her gift from the Holy Spirit is making everybody feel accepted and loved.
So she's in her element right now.
Doing great.
Yeah.
She's building little isolation chambers for us.
She loves viral death.
She loves that kind of stuff.
Yeah.
Well, she would.
It's good for business.
She's a nurse.
Nurse, yeah.
So.
Yeah, she's fine.
Doing good.
Well, we wrote this article, the latest numbers on coronavirus.
100% of the world still under God's control.
I think we were all trying to kind of crack the code of how do you write something that's funny, but not funny, but satire.
But that's like communicating hope and truth.
That's kind of what we landed on.
So I think it's a good reminder.
You're saying God caused the coronavirus?
That's what I'm saying.
To pay back the gaze.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
That's what I thought.
And then you reach over and peel the mask off, and I'm actually Pat Robertson.
You're Pat Robertson?
You immediately hunch over.
The gaze.
I don't know.
I don't know, but isn't that the whole?
Well, we could go into deep theology here.
That's what people tune into the Babyloni Pod.
That's what they're here for here.
It's our deep theology.
Ethan's dumb questions and Kyle's deep theology.
And puns on Mormon ideas.
Yeah.
I want that to be a video game now.
Knee Fighter 2.
Starring Jeff Durbin.
Yeah.
That MTV show he was on.
He talked about.
You can only fight with your knees.
That was only hands.
Yeah, so I guess we're really just paying the price for eating bats, I guess would be the theology behind this, right?
It is kind of crazy.
Well, I heard that it wasn't actually bat eating, they're saying that caused it now.
Bat.
They're saying that it was possibly like animals that animals that were being sold at this market that weren't supposed to be sold at the market had been bitten by bats.
I don't know, the bat bites.
And so I don't know.
So it's like vampire vampirism.
And then China is saying, no, no, no, it started in the U.S.
Yeah, I heard about that.
Like China.
They don't want to be called this.
They don't want it to be called Wuhan virus.
They don't want it to be called.
Yeah, do you know what this is all about?
I hear see people online saying that it started in China, but they covered it up for a long time and lied, and now they're blaming the U.S. for it.
Yeah, they're trying to kind of gaslight everybody into this damage control of like, oh, no, no, you know.
But yeah, they had covered it up and lied about the spread.
I'm not racist.
I just like the origin that somebody ate a bat and that's how this all started.
Like, I don't want to lose that.
I really enjoy that as part of this.
Like, someone ate a bat, tanked the global economy, destroyed trillions of people.
Or then there was kind of a secret group of people that got together to eat bats together.
Yeah.
They had different dipping sauces.
And now they're just eating these.
They're just picking them off the ceiling of some cave and like, oh, this is delicious.
And then, yeah.
Should we really be doing this?
Why are we hiding?
Why can't we admit to our families that we're doing this?
Shut up and just eat your bat.
Well, maybe they have like a whole chain of restaurants over there like Bat Wild Wings.
Yeah, Buffalo Batwings.
And you go and you can order like the goat.
You can order the ghost pepper or the different sauces and peppers.
Yeah, the parmesan.
Yeah, home parmesan bat.
Yeah.
A little Louisiana rub on there.
Yeah.
Some blue cheese.
Do you do boneless?
Batwing?
That seems like there wouldn't be much left.
Yeah, I guess I don't know how much would be left with boneless.
I guess I don't understand the prejudice against boneless.
You always give me the stink eye when I order boneless.
I ordered boneless with you last time we got wings.
Did you?
Yeah, but I said that I generally would prefer boned.
Yeah, okay.
But I like to, every once in a while, it's just, it's not really a wing.
It's a lie.
It's just a piece of chicken with breading on it.
Sure.
But you want the wing experience.
You want that.
You put the whole wing in your mouth and you bite down and pull all the meat off the bones.
And that feels like you're Godzilla ripping the flesh off of a human being.
It feels so giant and powerful.
So is that meat supposed to taste better that's like near the bone?
That's better, yeah.
It's supposed to taste better.
It's dark.
Yeah.
It's like dark meat by the bone.
Okay.
I guess.
I just didn't know what the deal was though.
Any guy that did the skin is good.
Skin.
I also wanted to thank all of the Babylon B listeners for sending me grilling tips after our last discussion.
And I have ordered the chimney starter that everybody recommended.
So I'll see how it goes.
Okay.
So I'm outside grilling even though the coronavirus is ravaging the earth.
Have we completely abandoned our main topic?
Yeah, we have, but that's okay.
Okay.
That's what we do.
I think that's a good.
We should just do hate mail.
Yeah, let's jump on the hate mail.
You know, just everybody remember?
God's in control.
God's in control.
Don't freak out.
Be smart.
Don't be crazy.
But don't freak out.
Hold off on the bats.
Maybe dip your bats in bleach for a while before you eat them.
That's great advice.
Yeah.
Very least.
Let's go to hate mail.
Boil your bats.
I really miss Adam Ford.
Oh, man.
We got a good hate mail this week.
I think.
I haven't heard it, but.
We got great hate mail from somebody who calls himself Dr. Reality.
Dr. Reality.
That is a bold name.
Do you think he has a PhD in reality?
It sounds like it would be like Doctor Strange's rival.
Yeah, Dr. Strangelove or something.
Doctor Strange versus Dr. Reality.
Yeah, Dr. Lie.
Doctor Fake.
I don't know.
We're going in different directions.
Fantasy.
We are.
That's why we're a great team.
This is, yeah, that's true.
I go left, you go right.
Wait, I go right.
You go left.
So, do we have this?
Do we have the audio clip?
We set it up.
Like, he writes, like, it's hard to even tell that this is a hate mail at first.
At first, I'm like, what is this guy saying?
You get a little lost and you realize it's kind of like when you're reading parts of the Bible, they can be better explained if you explain that it's poetry.
Makes more sense.
So, you're saying that Genesis 1 is poetry and not a historical account?
Is that what you're saying?
I'm open to that.
Whoa.
Wow.
You have been fired from this podcast and the Babylon Bee.
Do we want to read it and then have the Dave?
Do you want?
Yeah.
If you think that'll help?
Babylon isn't a place.
It's a lifestyle.
What adulterous acts do you partake in?
Science and holy text would be considered magic, but that's not where your biases lie.
Am I right?
Fear is a primitive mindset, subjective to one's understanding of life's true meaning.
Does God's wrath not include yourself in literature?
I see a holy land bathed in blasphemous tongues, exalting a god of destruction and terror.
While some beasts live happily sustaining God's creation, generationally, we are same.
Did you get the point?
No.
I was trying.
This is probably the seventh time I've read this.
But I love it.
It seemed like a lot of thought was put into it.
I felt like he didn't, like, we're called Babylon Bee.
And he takes some issue with the word Babylon being in the name of the publication.
Like, Babylon isn't a place, it's a lifestyle.
So, is this guy coming from, is he Christian?
You think?
Is this like Rob Bell?
Or is this like a beatnik guy who's trying to tell us that we're wrong about our God, our sky god?
So lost.
It makes about as much sense as anything Rob Bell's written.
Okay.
But could we get Rob Bell to read it?
Ooh, maybe we can.
We can ask.
But no, I think it's someone coming from a Christian perspective, not understanding.
Okay.
So that's what anyway.
You understand it more than me.
We thought this would be good as a Dave.
Kind of a slam poem.
Yeah, slam poetry.
That's what it sounds like.
So let's listen.
hear it.
Babylon isn't a place.
It's a life style.
What adulterous acts do you partake in?
Science and holy texts would be considered magic.
But that's not where your biases lie.
Am I right?
Fear is a primitive mindset, subjective to one's understanding of life's true meaning.
Does God's wrath not include yourself in literature?
I see a holy land bathed in blasphemous tongues, exalting a god of destruction and terror, while some beasts live happily, sustaining God's creation.
Generationally, we are same.
That's beautiful.
The best part was when he said life style.
That was the best part.
I liked the end where he said we are same.
Same.
Now the guy.
Did he mean to say we are the same?
And he just is a typo, or is it?
I assume so.
But it kind of works.
He works so great as a slam poem because he's like, well, some beasts live happily sustaining God's creation.
Period.
Generationally, period.
We are same.
No period.
But that's the end.
What?
No period at the end.
Symbolism.
It's like.
I don't get the symbolism, but it continues.
Gotta be symbolism.
It's not over.
Yeah.
Good stuff.
We are the same.
Are saying gold.
Well, that's going to be the end of our show for freeloaders.
Yeah.
We're going to do something fun in the subscriber portion.
We're going to read headline submissions.
I dig through some of the ones that our writers and our subscribers have pitched, some of the best, and some of the stuff you guys missed out on this week.
So it's going to be a lot of fun.
All the non-coronavirus jokes that were pitched.
I'm sure every single lot that were coronavirus too.
Yeah.
But we'll find out.
So let's go ahead and do this and we'll see the rest of you guys next time.
The rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
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Until next time, this is Dave D'Andrea, the voice of the Babylon Bee, reminding you that obesity isn't a you problem, it's a fork problem.