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July 6, 2023 - Adventures in HellwQrld
01:33:34
Adventures in HellwQrld Episode #147: Insane DeSantis Ad, SCOTUS Sucks

This week Mike, Sarge and L talk about the cocaine at the White House, Elon breaking Twitter and Zuck making a new Twitter challenger, and all the fun of Russia maybe blowing up a nuclear power plant and SCOTUS deciding they can rule on anything they feel like ruling on. Get bonus content on PatreonSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/hellwqrld. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Time Text
Thank you.
Content warning.
The Adventures in Hellworld podcast talks in depth about QAnon, which means we have to talk about all kinds of child abuse and violence against people.
Listener discretion advised.
Hello, everybody.
I am Mike Rains, a.k.a.
PokerandPolitics, and welcome to another episode of Adventures in Hellworld.
This week, I am once again joined by Sarge.
Once again, nothing happened this week, not a single thing.
So, here we go.
Yep, just absolute, just, uh, history has ended, is that, like, saying what goes, I suppose.
I'm also joined by the mysterious El.
Happy belated pet annoyance day, my beautiful babies.
Yeah, no kidding.
At the time of this recording, it is July 5th, so we just got done liberating ourselves from the alien onslaught that was bearing down upon us after our rousing speech.
We welcomed some people to Earth, and then everybody's pet was properly annoyed by the fucking explosions that you can't explain to them because they don't have human intelligence.
Was it the day Fox came out and said the second Independence Day was bad because they didn't get Will Smith?
Yeah, I mean, that certainly didn't help.
Yeah.
I mean, I never saw that movie and I never got the impression that exactly the one thing it was missing was Will Smith, but it was noticeably missing Will Smith.
You have seen that movie.
We watched it for binge-worthy.
Independence Day 2?
Yeah.
That doesn't sound right.
Yeah.
It was so good, you forgot you recorded an hour-long podcast about it.
I mean, I remember parts of it, but I just assumed it was from the trailer.
Like, they're on, like, the moon, doing some stuff.
No, we recorded the whole episode on it, Doc!
How did they beat it?
Oh, isn't there like some third alien gets involved, and that's how they end up winning?
Or is that some other thing I'm thinking about?
I honestly don't remember how they beat it either.
Okay, well, good stuff.
What an incredible movie.
10 out of 10.
This is like how it should be.
Independence Day 2 ends with an actual hypnotic pattern that neuralizes you, so that way it's just like, good luck remembering this movie, motherfucker.
Man, that was great.
It was like, I haven't seen it.
No, I know you have.
We talked about it.
And then you were asked how it ended and you were like, I don't know.
So the movie is obviously incredibly gripping.
Did they all fly to each other at the time and say that we watched it when we just died?
They, no, they blow up, there's a big alien in an even bigger ship, like the size of a continent, and they Oh wait a minute, don't they end up fighting some sort of kaiju alien in the desert or something?
There's some nonsense happening in the desert with some sort of big walkin' talkin' alien thing?
Okay, that movie's real dumb.
I'm getting flashes of it now and I hate every... There's a weird pandering Chinese woman character to get it into the China market, and she does nothing.
She's just there and has a couple lines.
I mean, but we do love China.
Lord knows we love China.
Listen, China, if you're listening.
Boy, we do love, yeah, man, love China.
What American child of our age didn't grow up with some Winnie the Pooh, am I right?
Oh, truly the greatest of all icons, Winnie the Pooh.
Something that China and the Chinese government, and especially its esteemed leader, all huge fans of.
Yes.
I'm on vacation this week from my terrestrial job, you know, because I'm not yet a podcast millionaire, so I do have to work like a regular-ass human job.
Right.
And since I'm on vacation and it's hot outside, it's the summer has arrived and my air conditioner is happening.
I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I've been rocking the Pooh Bear look in my downtime.
You know, sometimes a little top, a little top to keep the torso warm, but no bottoms because, you know, it's nice to feel cool.
And I'm alone in my solo time, rocking it Pooh Bear style.
Live your best life, Al.
Live your best life.
Now, for the Patreons, you know, apropos of nothing, let me tell you, let me tell you about what we got on offer for this week.
Wouldn't that be a plot twist?
Yeah, we're moving from the Patreon to an OnlyFans.
We're Winnie the Pooh burlesque shoot featuring Al.
Yes!
Yeah, that'd be great.
There's a very sad Eeyore at the corner.
The saddest of Eeyores.
That sounds... yeah.
This conversation has taken a dark turn.
Oh, the dark turns.
Oh, man.
And it's taken, like, an unpredictably dark turn in our, like, vamping, like, the pre-boost segment where we prime the pump for the dark and comedically stupid shit that we had to talk about for another hour and 15 minutes afterwards.
I'm still just so flummoxed that you're like, I haven't seen that movie at all.
You didn't remember it either!
Yeah, I didn't remember the ending, but I remember watching it.
Like, could you name three actors in it?
Uh, uh, Vivica A. Fox.
Did she come back for it?
I don't remember that either.
She did.
She dies early in the movie.
And then it felt very much like Pacific Rim.
So everything was like plastic and like diverse in that there was like, you know, it was like whatever, whatever.
There was a group shot of people walking towards you or a hangar shot of people working on stuff.
There was like an Asian person and a black person.
Jeff Goldblum and guy who plays Jeff Goldblum's dad.
Okay, could you name any of the people that weren't from the first movie?
Like, yeah, I could name actors from the first movie.
A lot of them.
They're all just, like, nothing actors.
Isn't it one of the Hemsworths?
One of the Hemsworths.
One of the Hemsworths.
Hemsworth, Cobble, Lesser.
The lower challenge rating Hemsworth in the Monster Manual.
Yeah.
It's like the Skarsgård family.
There's like three levels of Skarsgård, I think.
There's like Lesser Skarsgård, Skarsgård, Elder Skarsgård.
Lesser, as you said.
Yeah.
I really enjoy that because I don't know so much about Sarge, but me and El, we knew a couple of brothers and one of the brothers being known as Lesser was just an endlessly running bit for us.
Yeah, lesser or smaller, you might say.
Yes, exactly, yes.
Exactly.
But we don't want to dime anybody out on the podcast, even by their goofy nickname.
No.
So we'll just refer to them as the Small Albanian.
Also known as the Smallbanian.
Yes.
100% accurate.
And god, are these jokes exclusively for an audience of two, me and Elle.
Enjoy!
My portmanteau of Smallbadian, I think, plays to a larger audience.
I hope so.
I've been revisiting the City of Heroes.
That's right, the MMO from 2006, like a real big boy.
I'm playing that in the year of our lord, 2023.
And Smallbadian sounds like a perfectly corrobulate hero.
I almost asked you how nice that is, but I think that was, like, Champions Online.
Uh, that was Champions Online.
That was also, like, a thousand years ago.
I think Champions Online is still going, but at some point it became, like, a pay-to-win hellscape or whatever.
Like, they really mobile-gamed it up, so... I can't imagine who's still playing it, but the people that are, I mean, yikes, right?
I have a friend who's endlessly telling me about how people are now playing World of Warcraft as a roguelike where you have one life and if you die you have to delete the character and start with a new one.
And I just, I can't even wrap my head around it.
And there's like even more brutal forms of it where you can't trade with other people, you can't use the auction house, any gear you get off drops is all you can wear, and you can only do each dungeon one time.
It's just... Do they just call it Kaizo World of Warcraft?
Because that's what it sounds like.
Only doing dungeons- the rest of it sounds kind of interesting, but only doing dungeons once doesn't sound fun.
I don't know where that trend originated, but the earliest iteration I know of it is in, like, Mario Bros.
levels, but there's also, like, the Kaizo Pokemon circuit, where people do, like, weird, like, Pokemon Iron Man mode, like, one life runs, like, no healing, with a bunch of other, like, modifiers on top of it, like Twitch streamers and shit to it.
So, Kaizo World of Warcraft actually sounds pretty cool.
But it's a lot of people, you know, so... Oh yeah, they have an app, an add-on you use, and the add-on tells people if you're lying and being deceitful about your hardcore play or not.
Like, if you break any of the rules, the app rats you out.
Nice.
I'm glad there's a nanny app that you opt into to prove that you're really doing the Kaizo thing.
I mean, hey, like, if at the end of the day it didn't require supporting Blizzard by giving them money, I might consider doing such a thing.
Just because I like playing classic World of Warcraft in different ways, but I'm not going to pay them for the privilege.
No.
And I can't be fucked to do any of the pirate World of Warcraft servers that I'm sure exist out there or whatever.
The thing about City Heroes is that it's so free.
Because nobody cares.
Because it's not like the real games aren't up and running.
The people who originally did it know about the rogue servers that are just like, yeah, you kind of have our blessing.
Just like, go nuts.
You just can't charge for it.
It has to be free.
And so it is.
It's very easy.
You download a single thing, you click a button, and it works.
Just like it would have if you were playing the game back in the year of our Lord, 2006.
Crazy.
It's so terribly designed in some ways.
It's very charming.
I hate it.
I love it.
Speaking of terribly designed, let's get into the boosh.
Yes, our terribly designed podcast.
Thank you.
Thank you for the smoothest sandpaper segue that also insults us.
But anyways, I'll put this in the chat.
Jackass, I was talking about the first item!
How dare you?
He was talking about Twitter!
Okay.
Yeah, that's right.
How dare you jump down Sarge's throat?
Yes, I'm sorry.
Sarge was right, I am wrong.
You're the one who wrote it!
Now it's like sandpaper!
Boo!
Boo me!
Boosh now!
It's time for a light sampling of insanity.
Get ready for the amuse-bouche.
Speaking of terribly designed, let's get into the amuse-bouche and the first item, Twitter.
There we go.
Oh my god, Twitter is, uh, so our boy Elon broke Twitter again and people are trying to find out why he fucking did this because Nothing that he's saying makes any sense because Elon apparently was claiming that data scrapers and other sort of pirate bot programs were stealing valuable information from Twitter and that this was just
Totally unacceptable.
So as a result, you, uh, the end user of Twitter who were using it to be online all day and have no life and avoid your family and friends, we're now going to be rate limited to only being able to see about 600 tweets a day.
And then Twitter would just kick you off because you could be a data scraper and we can't fucking tolerate that shit.
So get fucked.
Bum, num, dum, dum.
So I have some information on this.
And it's like, take it with some amount of salt.
It's from a computer engineer on TikTok.
But he was saying, so most companies, almost all types of companies don't own their own server farms anymore.
It doesn't make sense.
Hasn't for decades.
Obviously, Twitter didn't.
They were not paying their Google bill.
Now, that wouldn't normally be the hugest deal, because they could just move somewhere else.
But it turns out Twitter uses a really old, esoteric server stack build.
The guy explained it, he tried to explain it, and he's like, here's the thing, no one uses, sets up servers like this anymore, and most people don't know how.
So over the weekend, and over the long weekend, Twitter sent out emails to all those people they fired, and anyone who had any knowledge of how to set up a Twitter server stack, how Twitter needs it, and said, please come back, but no one here knows how to set those up anymore, because
It's old and dumb, and no one else learned how, and we fired everyone that did.
Please come back.
So, I don't think they're going to, and if they do, I would demand to be paid up front.
Oh, it's been it on a bullet wound shit here.
I mean, yeah, whatever the fuck they're doing.
So Twitter was broken for me for a day, and then it started working again.
But working in quotes, because it'd be this weird thing where I would like, I would see a tweet that had been quote tweeted by people and I would click on quote tweets.
And then she's like, Nope, you can't read the quote tweets.
Sorry, fuck you.
And I was reading a lot of people had problems where one day they would not get rate limit exceeded and then the next day they would and it was like, just kind of a question of what server you were on would dictate if you got to have Twitter that day or not.
And then Elon just started posting a bunch of dumb shit, and then the CEO of Twitter, that lady who is a god, I hope you got paid up front, she posted the most vapid and meaningless thing about, I'm going to explain to you what's going on, but not really.
So everything's going great.
Twitter's running great.
No problems.
Sky's the limit.
Catch you all later.
Everything's good.
Now you're back in the loop.
People are just like, what the fuck is any of these people doing?
They, they don't know what's going on.
And Elon made the comment about if you are on Twitter blue, you get to have like two hours of Twitter a day instead of like 20 minutes.
I'm going to give you like a little extra Twitter for your troubles.
Just.
Absolutely, incredibly legendary the way this man's destroying the product he paid $44 billion for.
I mean, at the end of the day, the reason behind this has to be, like, if you just chase it to its source, like, it just has to be Twitter hemorrhaging money in some way, right?
Like, just bleeding cash.
Because all the advertisers pulled out the moment the floodgates were open for anybody to jump on there and just be like, My username is TheNWordHitler1488.
So good!
Yeah, he let Cat turn back on.
Advertisers left.
Over 60% of their advertisers left.
And I think it was you, Al, you or Mike shared like, hey, Elon put these new limits into place.
And it just so happened to coincide with them defaulting on their Twitter bill, or their
Google bill, for their server farm.
And it's like, what a weird coinkydink that.
Also, the worst part about it, I posted this in one of our group chats the other day, is
I hate that Elon Musk keeps making Mark Zuckerberg, the Zuckster, look like a good guy.
Because amidst all of this, the other day Meta just sort of quietly announced that they are coming out with a Twitter rival.
They're just like, hey, you know what we're doing?
We're doing Twitter.
We're doing Twitter and you could use your Instagram login for it.
You don't even have to choose a different login.
You just have to say, hey, use my Instagram, but it's Twitter instead.
Yeah, yeah.
So Threads, which is the Facebook, Instagram, Twitter is coming out tomorrow.
And some people have pointed out that Blue Sky, which is owned by Jack, the dum-dum who used to own Twitter before Elon gave him infinite money to buy it from him.
Jack seems weirdly defensive and apologetic of Elon, and it almost feels like Jack doesn't want Blue Sky to get too big and Bigfoot Twitter and crush Elon, whereas you know Zuck is going to throw money into threads to try to crush Elon.
Do we think there's a chance that Jack, like, sold out Twitter for huge gobs of cash, assuming that Elon was gonna write it almost into the ground and he could buy it back and turn it back around?
That's possible.
I mean, who knows, but... That would make sense if, like, in this moment, he's starting to get defensive about stuff, now that, like, a real competitor is starting...
Just like, you know, behind the scenes, it's like, oh, look, I'm trying to make my own competitor.
Don't worry.
Don't worry, FCC.
Nothing shady here.
The brand is just so damaged at this point.
Because if he did do that, like, bought it back and came in and, like, they would just have to crack the whip so hard and continuously to, like, get it back into an advertiser-friendly space because it is really degenerated.
Like, one of their primary advertisers now is fucking artisan marshmallows that taste like shit.
In a world where this was the guy's play.
That's why you have your blue sky set up, right?
It makes it look like you were trying, but it also just gives you a built-in infrastructure to move in a team.
Oh, well, we have a team of moderators.
They were working for Blue Sky, but now they're just moderating Twitter.
And then you just get to, you're just like, we had all this stuff in place, and we just have to turn it from, like, we just have to, like, integrate it into the Twitter stuff real fast.
It'll take a weekend, Twitter will be down for a week, and then when it pops back up, you can no longer say a slur.
Or post the entire Super Mario Brothers movie.
But yeah, so, like, threads, we'll see.
I mean, it's a little too early as of this recording to see how that's gonna go, but, you know, there are hundreds of millions of people that still use Instagram, and the fact that, like, all of a sudden, overnight, they will have a Twitter alternative that they can just log into from their Instagram login...
Seems like it might be the final nail of the coffin for old Twitter.
I mean, we'll see.
Yeah, and I don't have any data, but I guarantee, just from casual observing, a lot of people have gone back and been using their Instagram more the last week for reasons.
I certainly have.
I'm one of them.
Well, it's funny because you're like, I'll just go on Twitter for stuff, and it's like, oh, you can't use Twitter.
So people are just looking for a social media platform that's fucking stable at this point, not even just... Yeah, and honestly, back when the Twitter stuff first started really hitting the fan, And people were starting to look at what alternatives were possibly viable.
I mean, everybody, like, you know, I wasn't looking into it too hard, but the general consensus is, like, well, the real winner is going to be, like, Instagram followed by Tumblr.
It was just, like, because Tumblr had that, like, rocky period where they fucked themselves, and they tried to unfuck themselves slightly, and it seemed like having a big tweeter bleed off might might help stabilize their numbers a bit as well. But
everybody was just like, well, yeah, everybody still loves Instagram, you know, so like, they'll
just they'll just go back to Instagram.
Well, and also with Twitter not paying their Google bills.
I was reading Google has started to pull Twitter off of Google search results, try and Google
something that you know, like one of the news, the information sources, God help us was a tweet or
something from Twitter. You're they've somebody reported on Elon Musk mangled Venus.
Our first check out with photos because it was Twitter.
So there's no moderation.
You just look at it.
You're just not going to find it through Google.
And it just makes Twitter less and less relevant because Google is like, all right, you don't want to pay us to like, support your, host your stuff.
Like you're a hell site anyway.
We will do the opposite of scrape data.
We will scrub you from our service, the most powerful search engine.
in the world.
Again, Elon Musk is like somehow like he's a weird poison pill that just makes other
poison around him seem palatable.
It's like, yeah, Google's the good guy.
That's right, Elon, you couldn't pick Google.
You got him.
Oh, man.
It's like, like, at some point, I can't wait for it to just be like, oh, Elon Musk is really
making Apple look great.
That $3 trillion company.
Finally, somebody, somebody sticking up for them, you know, yeah, Elon.
Yeah, it's gonna be really awesome when Elon just goes like whole hog for Ron DeSantis
and we're all like, man, Donald Trump looking real sharp as a Republican nominee.
Best of two choices we got here.
Way to go.
Elon's going to do it.
He's going to make Trump even look, become likable.
It's just, that's just his magic touch where he is just so toxic and shitty that anything he is compared to becomes palatable and good.
By comparison to him.
We'll get into DeSantis here a little bit, more here in a moment.
But we ran a little long talking about Twitter, so let's speedrun the next two boosh items.
First is Return of the Mac.
Mac is apparently free, like roving the countryside like a drug-crazed Bam Margera.
And I totally remember who this is.
But for the audience, Mike, tell them who this person is.
Okay, so Alison Mack was part of the NXIVM sex cult.
Okay, I didn't actually know who this was in this context.
That was the only Mack I could think of.
Yeah.
She was basically the right-hand woman of Rainier, the guy who ran NXIVM and is going to be in jail for forever.
Great name for a cult leader.
Yes.
Like, 9 out of 10.
Hard to beat it, but I can imagine there's probably something up there.
Keith Raniere.
Yes.
So he, I mean, he's in jail for forever, but she was released from jail after serving two of her three years of her sentence and QAnon is trying to Determine exactly what this is all about because she was a super important person in Q in the Q drops back in the day because Q claimed that she was naming names that she was going to bring down Hollywood that she was potentially going to bring down Washington DC.
Liz Crokan and the Pizzagate people were like, NXIVM is just, NXIVM is never going to go away.
It's but the tip of the iceberg that all the arrests and convictions from NXIVM are just going to have a cascading effect across all of the elite society.
It's going to just tear down this house of cards that is surrounding us.
It's actually turned out that the highest profile person that they cared about, because they didn't care about Raniere, because he's a dude and we don't hate men in QAnon, unless they're Democrats.
Probably not, especially the ones that make a sex cult.
That seems like a pretty Chadly move, I'm not gonna lie.
I don't like it, because I hate Chadly bullshit, because that sort of toxic masculinity sucks.
But if you're one of the people online that love the Chad, like unironically love Chad-ly behavior, then that sounds like a pretty powerful move.
Oh, yeah, the Save the Children fucking we're all about fighting trafficking and all that stuff.
They love posting videos of Andrew Tate and talking about how he's being railroaded by the deep state and how unfair his prosecution is.
And he's just trying to break people out of the Matrix, man.
He's just trying to tell people how to actually fight the system.
It's like, no, he's a trafficker and a child trafficker.
He's literally the thing you claim to hate the most.
There's like, no way, man.
He's being framed.
It's this is bullshit.
So yeah, of course, if, uh, if Rainier had just said the right fucking things
during his trial and imprisonment, they would have been on his side, but because
Q was going after Alison Mack and all that shit, they were like, Oh, this sex
cult's a bad one, so.
Yeah, he should've just been like, I see women as objects, you know?
I do not see them as a people.
They would've been like, oh man, what an absolute unit.
Truly the greatest of all human beings.
Keith Ranieri was weirdly into volleyball.
Who the fuck is weird about being into volleyball?
I love volleyball.
Volleyball's sweet.
He made everyone play volleyball with him.
I mean, I guess.
That is sort of a weird... I mean, like, he's your occult leader.
You can't all be sex.
You just break it up with regular cardio.
They have videos of him, like, sitting on the volleyball court, just, like, holding court.
Just, like, throwing his wisdom out to his adoring people that he made play volleyball with him because he really liked volleyball.
Yeah, man.
He sounds mad evolved to me.
Oh, hey, if I had a cult, I'd be making people play Catan all day.
I'd just be like, man, this is my cult, and now we're going to harvest some more.
Yes, we're going to harvest some more.
That's what we're going to be doing here.
I remember his other like just absolutely like...
Okay, well, I guess, I guess, you know, the secret world of Allison Mack is back on the video.
And we'll keep up with the story when and if it develops future, like further.
Hopefully she gets a reality show and QAnon just becomes hyper-obsessed with it.
That's the only reason why it stays on the air, because they're all hate-watching it, trying to decode it.
It's going to be so good.
I mean, do you feel like if you're any of these weird QAnon lunatics, and you have a charisma score above 14, that you take your shot?
Because it's obvious that she's an easy mark.
Do you think Smallville sees a resurgence?
Is it streaming somewhere?
Does Netflix ghoulishly pick up the rights to Smallville the way they did to Titanic, now streaming exclusively on Netflix?
I mean, hey, if you're paying $38 a month for Netflix or whatever, you better be getting something these days, you know what I mean?
Fuck Netflix.
Put a bunch of clouds.
I can't believe people still use it.
Insane.
Anyway, next on the boosh agenda is something I don't know anything about this.
I made a funny name for it despite that, but I guess we're talking cocaine in the White House.
Mike, what's up with this cocaine in the White House?
Okay, so this just happened a couple days ago, and so those were reporting.
That there was a quote unquote white powder that was found somewhere in the White House in allegedly in like the official areas where serious people like administrator staff, like the president, all those people were.
And they were like, Oh shit, there was coke and there was white powder.
Then it was determined that the white powder was actual cocaine.
And this led everyone to start screaming, Oh, Hunter Biden's bringing his blow into the White House.
Oh God.
Marjorie Taylor Greene was posting about it.
Everyone's freaking out.
Marjorie Taylor Greene was posting about how it was her blow.
She's not allowed in the White House.
Dude, honestly, it could be anybody's blow.
Who in the White House is not on blow?
Like, you know, would it surprise you if it was just like, if you were just like, hey, Joe Biden sometimes does cocaine?
I'd be like, yeah, I would expect that the President of the United States might sometimes need something to keep him going.
So yeah, so she freaked out about it and all these other people were talking, were screaming and yelling about how we need to have an investigation, how we need to get to the bottom of Hunter Biden smuggling his cocaine into the White House.
Pearl clutch it, bitch.
Oh, then she's Richard White.
She's definitely took cocaine.
You fucking narc.
Yeah, what are you, a cop?
Fucking cop.
So, after all of this stuff, new reporting has come out stating that the cocaine was found in an area where tourists can visit.
Yeah!
Fucking duh!
Right.
Upon follow-up investigation, it was discovered that the cocaine was found in Hunter Biden's mouth.
It was in a pipe at a hundred by its mouth.
So that's on us.
We were making funny jokes about it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So the cocaine was actually just found in a public area where it could literally could have been anybody's.
And right now the main story on like on from the media and from the left left Twitter is that the original story was leaked by Secret Service sources who Are not great sources to trust seeing as how we've had shit like during the 1-6 committee when that lady talked about how Trump lunged for the steering wheel and got into a fight with his Secret Service and he wanted to be driven to the Capitol.
The Secret Service came out were like no that didn't happen we don't know what she's talking about that crazy broad.
And then, a while later, it was like, yeah, that probably actually did happen, and no Secret Service agents are gonna go to the 1-6 Committee and testify under oath that it didn't happen.
Weird.
Weird, that.
So... That's so hypothetically, like, you and a guy are on Detailed, and, like, you know, you're not the best of pals, and then you're just, like, rockin' a piss, and then he looks down at your feet, and it's just like, what's that?
And you're just like, oh no, I've dropped my cocaine.
And so your only play is to just be like, mysterious powder!
It could be anything!
Let me zip up real quick and we'll, uh, like, call it in or whatever.
And then it turns out that it's just like, yeah, it could have been anyone's cocaine.
I don't know.
So wild.
I mean, this publicly accessible area where we do scam people, but we don't search them, like, found some cocaine.
How many fucking, like, Dorks would just be like, yo, I did cocaine in the White House, just to brag about it.
Oh yeah, oh god, yeah.
I mean, I guess, that is kind of intense though, just because it seems like there'd be a lot of people in the White House, like, you know, tourists.
It seems like it would be difficult to peel away from enough other tourists to comfortably be railing coke in the White House bathroom.
More power to you.
Unless you're just doing it off the back of some tourist-accessible toilet seat or whatever.
In which case, yuck.
I don't care if it's the White House.
Maybe if it was in the Abraham Lincoln Suite, I'd be like, yeah, okay, off the back of the toilet seems fine.
Anyway, remember how I said we would get back to talking about DeSantis?
Well, it also turns out that we need to talk about Chadley toxic masculine bullshit.
See?
Look at the boosh.
The boosh has a through line this week.
What an incredible time.
One of 14 made a campaign ad.
Dude, like, you guys said this to me and I had to double check with you to see if it was a real thing.
Like, if it was an actual thing or if you guys had gotten snookered.
You insist that it's real, so I believe you.
So what we're talking about is a DeSantis campaign ad that paints him in a rather bizarrely positive light.
Meme-filled light.
For details, I'll turn it over to Mike Rains.
Mike Rains, how are they massaging Ron DeSantis for the Republican voter?
Okay, so this ad is from the DeSantis War Room, which was posted all over social media.
It opens with Trump holding up an LGBTQ plus flag and showing pro-gay Trump merchandise on his website back when he was running for president in 2016.
And him being asked questions like, Caitlyn Jenner, you wanted to use the bathroom in Trump Tower.
She could pick whatever one she wanted.
And Trump being like, yeah, that's totally fine with me.
And then he was asked if trans women could compete for Miss Universe, and he was okay with that.
And then it's smash cuts to DeSantis.
attacking, like, just like being viciously anti-trans and just hating gay people and being
just out and proud about his vicious bigotry. And while this is all going on, they play this
ridiculous dubstep hard rock beat in the background. It's the Russian, uh, cartoon,
like, walking music from the meme. Yeah.
And there's some snap cuts of Giga Chad in it, and Achilles from Troy with Brad Pitt.
At one point, DeSantis is turned into a Wojak, which if you're not terminally online and psychotically billed, you probably don't know what a fucking Wojak is.
But this is who this ad is reaching out for and trying to connect with, is people who understand that culture, while also putting on the screen a bunch of things about DeSantis hates gay people, DeSantis signs the most aggressive anti-trans bill in the nation!
Yeah, I mean, this thing is, like, stupid in a way that, like, it's like if Wonder Shozin's writers got back and decided to write, like, a farce, or, you know, like, they decided to lampoon the Ron DeSantis campaign.
So hilarious is it in its, like, composition and its overall messaging.
That being said, it is, like, I mean, we have been saying for a long time that in order for DeSantis to have a chance against Trump, he has to come out and just call Trump like, you know, like a loser
and a coward and a weak leg and talk mad shit. Uh, so I don't want to say that I want to give him
prompts, but I do want to say that like, this is a move that we've seen coming for a while.
And the fact that it's finally here and it's taking this form is pretty hilarious.
It's just that instead of doing it in a very mainstream way where DeSantis just goes at Trump, he did it in this bizarre 4chan Nazi posting thing where... I feel like if you just did the first half of the ad without the second half of the ad, And, like, that way, if somebody, like, questioned you on it, like, if somebody was like, Mr. DeSantis, like, you know, what was up with that ad?
You could just be like, you know, I'm just asking questions about where former President Trump's, like, you know, affiliations are.
I'm just asking questions, you know?
I'm not saying anything.
I don't have any position on the matter.
I'm just saying that Mr. Trump seems to be really interested in the LGBTQIA plus movement.
And I don't know how I feel about that.
You know, but he's just like, no, and I want to shoot him all dead or whatever.
In the section where we're pumping up DeSantis, we have Patrick Bateman from American Psycho being put into a bunch of it.
That was pretty on the nose.
I was like, I mean, again, like, it's like, did Tim Heidecker write this?
What the fuck is going on?
Yeah.
It is so crazy as to almost be beyond parody.
Like, I also, the first time, I was like, you're not getting me today, TikTok.
Like, there's no way this is real.
And then like multiple news sources, like Ron DeSantis' ad looks like it was made by 4Chainers.
I was like, was that real?
That can't possibly be real.
Yeah, I never have Sargent L do homework before the podcast, but before we recorded today, I made sure that both of them saw this ad, because it's so bizarre that me trying to describe it is not good enough.
You actually have to look at it and be like, what the fuck were these people thinking?
Yeah, I mean, they obviously, yeah, they're obviously just trying to be edgy for, like, they're trying to appeal to a young white nationalist demographic with this sort of shit.
And I get that, but again, a campaign ad has to be for a wider audience, you know?
You gotta smash cut away from the Trump talking about the gay and trans stuff into Ron DeSantis talking about traditional family values.
Not having him next to the gig of Chad talking and fucking Bateman talking about hating all gay and trans people.
You need to massage it, baby.
You need to get in there and massage it a little bit.
Our boy DeSantis' team is all over the map.
He was too soft before, like, Goldilocks.
You think Goldilocks?
Yes, exactly!
Oh, DeSantis went literally from ice cold to boiling hot.
Gotta find the medium there, buddy.
Gotta find the sweet spot where it's just right.
Oh my god.
Well, at least things look like they're hating it going up to, like, you know, the run-up to the 2024 year of fucking horrors that I'm gonna hate every month of.
Worse than the last.
It's gonna suck and I hate it.
Anyway, talking about, you know, shit that we suck that we hate.
Shit that we suck that we hate.
Things that do suck that we hate.
Let's get into our incredibly grim news for the week.
From the digital headlines to the digital front lines, it's Q's in the News!
Now look, there's a lot of blame to go around this week, especially if you're willing to look back into recent history up to about 10 years.
There's all sorts of blame to toss around, but the end result is that our fucking conservative-ass PAC Supreme Court has finally got around to doing some of the stuff that we always knew that they were going to do.
And we knew that Roe was going to be just the beginning of it, and it turns out that we were correct.
And like the cowards that they are, because they are all a bunch of cowards, we even especially knew this time it was coming because it was right before they got to hide behind their veil of a vacation.
It was probably totally not paid for by a billionaire friend of theirs, and it's totally off the books.
Just, you know, my billionaire friend wanted me to go to his private island and drink $10,000 glass champagne, no big deal.
Uh, so let's talk about all of the unpopular Supreme Court decisions that happened, uh, over the past, uh, weeks since our last recording.
I think one of them is probably getting walked back.
Well, maybe.
I don't think so.
But it would be nice if there was actually any, I don't know, legal repercussions for creating a fucking fictional story to get it before the Supreme Court.
But the way America's legal system works nowadays is you can just lie your ass off in the Supreme Court.
If the Supreme Court is okay with that, it's okay.
And now we have settled law.
It's Well, I guess we know which one of the cases that we're starting with, because we had to start with one of them.
That seems like the best one to go with.
Well, they're both fake, which is really funny, but I'll start with the... One is much faker than the other.
Yes.
Okay, so we will start with the anti-gay discriminatory law that was violating freedom of religion, free speech, blah, blah, blah, fuck you, you lying sacks of shit.
So, this woman, who started a company called 303 Creative, She said that she planned on designing websites for weddings.
She had not done this yet, but she was planning on doing it.
But she was very worried because she lives in Colorado and Colorado has a law that prohibits discrimination against LGBTQ plus people if they want to obtain your services.
So this woman was so scared of potentially being in violation of this law that she managed to file a series of lawsuits that got laughed out of various levels of court before it made its way all the way up to the Supreme Court.
Where they were like, oh, oh, you poor woman.
We hear your fear of having to make a website for a gay couple's wedding.
And we understand that that fear is entirely reasonable, entirely acceptable, and is right.
And we have now ruled in favor of your fear.
That you are allowed to, should you ever open your hypothetical wedding website business, you will be allowed to
discriminate against gay people. You will be allowed to not have to make websites for gay women. Yeah,
she was arguing her case for preemptively getting in trouble for, you know, discriminating
against people based on a, like, constitutionally protected factor.
Or at least until recently, because, you know, now the Supreme Court is, like, they're just all willy-nilly with everything in the way that we expected them to.
Today we're gonna party like it's 1949 again, you know?
Let's go back to when, when everything was backwards.
It'd be great.
Back when America was great.
It's all coming out that, so, because this was, like, Dismissed.
So the state of Colorado never had a chance to do discovery, to discover that this hadn't even happened.
She made up this couple that she was trying to discriminate against.
So then her lawyers kept kicking it up to get it up to the Supreme Court.
And there's a chance they get in trouble and the Supreme Court's I believe it's called a re-hearing period.
If we're wrong or if I'm wrong, I'm wrong.
Comedy podcast!
Is one month.
So there's a chance this gets walked back because it's very much uh... beyond fake it's based on something that didn't
happen and it looks really bad but uh... this is insane precedent
to set yeah you could argue a case based on a hypothetical
situation yeah hypothetical
no wonder google shut down their glass like their glass project you know
Just the mere fear of being able to be liable for anything that might be recorded when somebody just has a camera strapped to their face 24-7.
The fact that now, in the world we live in now, you can take that to court ahead of time!
You're just like, what is it, Minority Report?
It's even worse than Minority Report because we don't have psychic kids telling us the future.
We would just be guessing at the future.
It would just be like, hey, this seems like it could go wrong.
And I demanded the court hear my case.
Yeah.
And so her lawyers, because they realized what they were doing was this bizarre Minority Report future site bullshit.
They realized as it was working that maybe that they were the main characters of the story of Earth.
They were like, wow, this is so implausible.
We have to be protags.
Yes.
So they wedged in an alleged request from a quote-unquote gay married couple that was grounds for why she had to do what she was doing.
And then when someone got a hold of that information, They actually found the person that was named and they called them up and that person was like, no, I'm straight.
I'm in a marriage with a woman.
We have a child.
I never requested this website from this person.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't know how my name got into a document before the Supreme Court of the United States.
This is fucking banana stickers to me.
I don't get it.
So literally everything that was put into this lawsuit, Before time was was fictional.
This was all a fantasy.
And the Supreme Court is no longer ruling as a court.
They are now just a parallel legislature away from Congress.
But instead of having like the filibuster and elections and things that can actually like Tip the apple cart and make it hard to, like, make rulings?
The Supreme Court is now just nine unelected shitheels who can just do whatever they want by fiat, and they're a co-equal branch of the government!
Great!
Ta-da!
Fuck you, founding fathers!
You dumb pieces of shit that didn't see this coming!
Yeah.
And, you know, like, again, it's one of those things where it just like, it really seems like that's going to be difficult to change inside of the purviews of our actual legal framework.
Yes.
It seems like in order for the needle to move on that, there would need to be some sort of, I don't want to say revolution.
But let's just say I am queuing up my finest Les Miserables gear.
And we're gonna, we're gonna practice the old singing voice.
No, that's never gonna happen.
Are you gonna suffer a barricade one breast bared while holding a flag and a rifle?
Yeah, dude, my titty is gonna be out, you better believe.
Yeah, so the other case that happened here was the student debt forgiveness plan that Biden signed.
He used a provision in the HEROES Act to try to get everybody a $10,000 cut off of their student loan.
And because Republicans don't like poor people getting money, that's bad and wrong, unlike PPP loan forgiveness, which is awesome and good because that's for rich people.
They sued to block this, and the Supreme Court again said, you know what?
Fuck you, Biden.
We're going to just deny you this.
Now, what was really interesting about this case was that the Biden administration worked really hard to make sure that nobody had what is legally known as standing for this case, which means that you have the right to complain about such an event.
The legal system has made very clear that standing is super important to get before the Supreme Court.
Like Joe Sixpack and Judy Punchclock can't say, I'm not in favor of my tax money going to those socialists, so I'm going.
No, you can't do that.
You actually have to be like a company that is in some way being impacted by what's going on here and etc, etc.
And this was, in general, what most people were hoping was the only way that the plan would be allowed to stay intact, was that the Supreme Court would rule against the standing of the people that were filing these lawsuits.
And there were two lawsuits against the student debt relief, and the first one was rejected on standing.
The other one was not, and that's how the Supreme Court overturned it.
They claimed a student debt company in, I believe, Missouri.
I could be wrong about this, but don't hold me to that.
This company was used as the mechanism by which the state got standing to strike back against the Student Debt Forgiveness Plan.
And the important part of this was that Amy Komen Barrett, she literally asked the people petitioning the court As the plaintiff, she was like, so, uh, why is this student debt company not here on their own behalf?
And the petitioners were like, well, they don't have to be here.
We are doing the work of the state, so it's all good.
And she's like, but, but they're the ones you used to get standing.
Why are they not here arguing their case on their behalf?
Because you have indicated they are the wronged party in this situation.
And the guy replied to her and said, it's a state, it's a state political issue, ma'am.
Just calm your jets, Broad.
Calm down.
Don't worry about it, sugar.
Don't worry about it, sweetheart.
Don't let our big brain political discussions trouble your little woman mind.
We're good here.
And the actual reason was because the student debt company was like,
we don't want to be a part of this lawsuit.
We have no interest in this lawsuit at all.
As a matter of fact, one of our studies for how this Debt Forgiveness Act impacts us One of those studies actually shows we make more money instead of less as a result of it.
So it is very possible that we will not be an injured party as a result of the student debt forgiveness.
So we wash our hands of this thing.
The fucking state that's doing this, they're just using our name.
They're just fucking bullshitting this.
Fuck all of you.
And even after she said these things, ACB ruled in favor of the striking down of this debt.
She was even like, isn't your case bullshit?
And the state was like, probably.
Fuck you.
And then she's like, I don't care.
I'm voting for it.
Boom.
You win.
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
My questions are just kayfabe.
Don't you worry.
Don't you worry.
I'm still on your side.
got your I got your back, bro. We're good. We're good here.
So yeah, so
Even the student debt and forgiveness thing was literally just made up so they could just strike it down.
It was just a fictional bit of bullshit.
The company that was allegedly being injured by Biden's evil, tyrannical communist socialism, they didn't want any part of it.
They didn't care.
This was just Republicans being like, hey, motherfuckers, we're taking $10,000 away from each and every one of you.
And we can do it.
We don't give a shit.
And it's just, please continue to run on objective evil, Republicans, please.
And everyone on Twitter who's like, oh, Biden could have done it if he really wanted to, but he didn't.
This is all bullshit.
He was just faking us out.
Oh, fuck him.
I'll let you know that QAnon and all the right-wingers, they know who to celebrate for this.
Clarence Thomas and the Supreme Court.
And Trump, who appointed these justices.
It's so funny how you have the hard left blaming Biden, but then the hard right is celebrating Trump and his justices.
It's so weird how the blame pie gets distributed in these ways, instead of just everyone being like, you know who did this?
The Supreme Court, who are fucking corrupt as shit.
And don't give Trump all the credit.
Mitch McConnell helped a lot.
Oh yeah, but most of these right-wingers hate McConnell at this point.
They'll never admit that he was the one who architected the Supreme Court, because that'd be giving not-the-god-emperor credit.
So fuck that.
Alright guys, I let at the top of the segment say that there was a lot of blame to go around so we wouldn't start playing the blame game.
Because if we do, we're gonna get all worked up and start pointing fingers.
Yeah.
And all of them are going to be correct fingers, but then we might get some blowback.
And, you know, I just want to be... let's just be chill, man.
You know?
Let's just be real cool.
Oh, that's me.
And not point any fingers.
But unfortunately, like, this week we do have to report on what are some pretty clear-cut big dubs for the old QAnon branch, you know?
They're just like, yeah, our corrupt Supreme Court card finally paid off.
We invested in it over many turns, and on this turn it's finally starting to pay big dividends.
It's like, oh shit, yeah, probably should have nipped that one in the bud when we could, but, you know.
Yep, them's the breaks.
Tough times.
You fool!
You ran into my trap card!
Back to SCOTUS!
No!
I'm going to take away all of your freedoms!
Okay, moving on to a place that's even somehow worse than America, the Ukraine.
Still in the middle of a war with Russia that seems ceaseless at this point, but some spicy revelations this week.
I heard some rumblings about this.
According to Russia.
Like, what's going on specifically in the Russian conflict this week?
So after blowing up the dam and then blaming each other for it, even though any right-minded person would understand that Russia was the assholes who did this shit, we now have the sticky wicket of the nuclear plant that is inside Ukraine that is basically in a contested area, or at the very least, Russia does have some foothold in this area where the nuclear plant is located.
And over the past week or so, there have been a lot of conversations where both sides are saying, Hey, the other side's thinking of blowing up that nuclear plant.
And generally speaking, whenever Russia is involved in one of these conversations, you can take the Russian side with a giant pillar of salt because they're kind of in the business of claiming their enemies are doing the things they're doing.
Russia, not exactly the most trustworthy of narrators, but anyways.
Also, like, despite the fact that there can be tactical advantage to doing so, and Russia has historically been into this sort of business, like, typically you don't want to destroy your own land to save your land.
So, like, destroying a dam and flooding a village, like, or two, that seems disastrous, but, like, it would be a pretty big escalation to go for that move of self-owning for tactical advantage to, like, yeah, let's blow up this nuclear power facility.
That sounds sick.
Yeah, we don't want that power plant, nor do we want the land around it for the next 100 years or more.
Yeah, we don't need to do the energy it may be providing, and on top of that, we would like an ecological disaster that makes everything else that has happened to this war look like a hilarious little, like, you know, dust-up.
Yes, exactly.
So, and I've seen the QAnon and the right are posting all kinds of bullshit about how this is the escalation Zelensky's been yearning for to actually bring the West into war and generate World War Three and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I've always wondered exactly why the bad guys don't just do the bad thing right away.
I mean, this war has been going on for quite a while now.
If Zelensky wanted to blow up this nuclear plant, he probably could have, but he didn't.
But now that it appears that the Ukrainian counteroffensive may be liberating this area and pushing Russia out of it completely, because of that- He wanted to make sure that he had enough of his men in the area to sacrifice for his tactical play.
He's like, destroy the land and a sizable portion of my army.
Right, exactly.
I am Ozymandias.
Russia just wants everyone to know that in the event that this nuclear power plant that they might lose control of blows up it will be a false flag by the Ukrainians it's Ukraine's fault if this thing blows up it's Ukraine's fault not ours we just want you to know and everyone's like why are you saying that we just want you guys to know it'll be their fault if it blows up it won't be us and like
All right.
Well, we weren't worried about that before.
Well, we were kind of a little, but now we're much more worried about it.
And we're looking at you.
Did I see someone floating around of Zolensky addressing the people and just being like, yeah, they're like, we found, we saw Russia putting bombs on the top of the nuclear plant.
So just a heads up about that.
Yeah, that's what Ukraine's reporting is that, like, Russia is getting ready to do this.
Like, this is a thing.
And Russia, of course, like, oh, no, no, no, no, we don't know what you're talking about, buddy.
Fuck you.
You're lying.
We would never commit an egregious war crime in our war of genocidal conquest.
Never not once.
Just you calm down there, buddy.
We aren't making it impossible for you to find all the children we stole.
And seemingly no one's talking about that.
There are documents of all the torture rooms that our mercenaries that turned rogue on us set up.
Like, yeah.
It's all false flags, guys.
It's both turtles and false flags all the way down.
It's just never ending.
So of course QAnon obviously thinks that this is horse shit, that something's gonna go down and Zelensky's gonna pin it on innocent boy Putin.
Soft baby face Putin, right?
Oh, that innocent little cherub of a man.
Never did a bad thing in his life.
Oh, Vladdy Daddy, truly the greatest of all heroes.
And the thing about Putin is just that he is so popular with QAnon and the right that During last week's little mini dust-up coup thingamajigger, oh man, you could just see the sweat beating up on everybody's forehead.
It's possible in a democracy that your hero will lose an election, but when you have a dictator on your side, it's like, oh man, I got this guy running shit for the next 20, 30 years.
Everything's going to be great.
And when it looked like there was a chance that Putin might lose control of Russia, there were a lot of people who were like, no, no!
You can't take my other daddy away from me!
You took orange daddy away from me, but Russia daddy was supposed to be for forever!
I love that Zelensky announced, like, hey, we're not gonna run any elections while we're in the middle of a war, you know, being invaded by Russia.
And Elon tweeted the thinking emoji face to the reporting of that, and it's like, Yeah, you fucking ding-dong.
Maybe they want continuous leadership during the largest national crisis they've ever faced.
They're literally being invaded.
I'm willing to bet that they do run an election, and if they win this war, this massively popular president who got them through this war probably wins in a landslide.
Maybe even runs unopposed.
Right.
He's just being transparent.
Yeah.
The other thing that Elon and others will not bring up is the fact that it is literally in the Ukrainian constitution that you can do that.
That the government is allowed to call off elections should we be invaded.
And that was probably put in the Ukrainian constitution because the threat of Russians being omnipresent.
They're just like, our nation exists and we'll probably have to fight a bloody war to maintain its existence because our neighbor hates us and wants to reclaim us to be part of the old Soviet Union.
Also, maybe just from like a tactical standpoint, not have all of our civilians congregate in places, you know?
Yeah, just a little.
Like, hey, like, you know, unless it's just like, yeah, place your ballots here.
The most secure bomb shelter ever.
You have to walk through the subway tunnels to get to it.
Like, I don't know if that's, I don't know if this is going to be worth the squeeze.
It's going to be like, oh my God, we had 200 people turn out.
It was a landslide.
It's like, why?
Because everybody else is tired of being drone bombed, you know?
Yeah.
I saw this one lunatic who posted some shit about how Ukraine isn't even a real nation and blah blah blah.
And they were writing all these things about how various figures crafted the identity of Ukraine and all this stuff.
And someone was replying to this.
It was just talking about how all nations are fake.
All nations are bullshit.
And when they posted this... Fuckin' Jeep, bro.
Yeah, but I mean, when this person was like, this guy was a Ukrainian hero like 100 odd years ago and got the idea of Ukrainian nationalism going.
And the quote tweet to that was, oh, if you think this is really interesting, let me tell you about a decorated British colonel named George Washington.
It's just like, yeah, this is how this happens.
Nations get created and people get lionized as the founders and the start and the building blocks of those nations.
This is just what happens as we draw lines on maps and create territory.
Belgium.
Fucking bullshit.
It was literally just made up as a buffer between France, England, and Germany.
Still not allowed to invade Belgium.
Still a crime if you go in there and start killing and raping people.
Yeah.
And you know, it's not like anyone is confused about how sometimes nations just spring up in the sort of conflict it can cause, you know?
Yeah.
I feel like I can think of one nation that just sort of was created and it's been sort of like in a perpetual war forever.
It's crazy.
I can think of a couple nations that sprung up when a much larger nation seemingly collapsed.
Uh, so weird.
Also, speaking of heroic war hero guy, I mean, at least, uh, you know, if Zelensky gets lionized in that way, that's going to be great for him because his story starts with him being like a stand-up comedian or whatever, right?
Yeah.
What an incredible, what an incredible trajectory.
I hope that Ukraine eventually wins, and that Zelensky manages to make it through, and that we'll have, like, a lot of interesting photo comparisons of him from, like, three years ago to him now, like, three years after fighting a war, and he's just gonna, like, have aged 20 years.
He's gonna be just, like, this rugged, unfunny man.
Oh, QAnon just gets so angry at the bit that he did back when he was a comedian where he would like quote-unquote play a piano with his dick.
Oh, they play those clips and get themselves into such a hate froth over it.
And it's just, seriously guys, it's a bit a comedian was doing.
There was nothing to it.
And yeah, they're just pissed off that he's not doing it with a racist puppet.
You know, if there was a racist puppet doing it, they'd be fucking eating that shit up.
Oh my god, I also don't like Arabs, you know, I don't like them.
Good word, puppet.
I also don't like Mexicans.
Oh, look at this puppet.
It's a pepper.
That's fucking clown shit, dude.
That's all you need to know about conservatives.
They still think puppets are funny.
Just straight up.
Just the concept of a puppet.
They're just like, it's a guess.
Who doesn't like a puppet?
Me.
I don't like a puppet.
They're fucking boring.
You can't just filter unfunny material through a puppet.
Call it good.
That's not how it works.
It doesn't work for close-up magic either.
That's why comedy magicians usually don't get over.
Oh, God.
The only thing that was amazing about Jonathan was that he had a career.
I'm sorry.
Take that.
Rest in peace.
We're still small, so that's still punching up.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, man.
Boy.
You know who I did run into a bunch when I lived out in Vegas?
Carrot Top.
And fucking Jesus, that dude was absolutely frighteningly shredded.
I mean, he was probably- He also seems like he's just got, like, an intense aura.
He wasn't that aura-y, but when he would walk by you, you'd be like, what the?
If the man had any fat on him, you couldn't find it.
He was literally just this ball of muscle.
Ill-defined point from when I saw him on TV and I met him in real life in Vegas.
He just decided, I'm just going to put on 70 pounds of muscle to become the Giga Chat.
Just, it was just like, holy shit, that's Carrot Top now?
What the fuck?
I mean, it's just... I'm sorry to have my back by reminding the audience that we can't do anything but punch up because we are nobody.
Yeah, for the record, I liked Amazing Jonathan more than Carrot Top.
I mean, for the record, I saw at least two of the Amazing Jonathan specials when I was a kid.
I'm looking at this with the more critical eye of an almost 40-year-old, but when I was a kid, I really liked the Amazing Jonathan.
But when I was a kid, I also really liked Gallagher, you know?
Oh God, no!
Yep, fucking Gallagher.
Oh my god.
Dude, something about smashing stuff with a hammer really appealed to a 10-year-old me.
Oh, of course!
It's the same thing about slightly dirty close-up magic.
I was just like, oh, he's doing slightly body close-up magic.
Good for him.
If we went to YouTube right now and I could find an original Gallagher bit where he smashed pumpkins, I would probably watch it.
Dude, and don't you want to know how it works?
And then the audience is like, yes, but we know it's a sledgehammer, but also yes.
Call and response.
I just love the fact that if you're Gallagher, it's just the saddest thing in the world because you go on stage and you do X minutes worth of stand-up, and the crowd is giving you performative laughter to make you feel better about it, but you and they both know at the end of the day it's about smashing the fucking feet of the sledgehammer.
Yeah, let's get to the fucking monkey.
Come on.
Well, he had that one bit where he was, like, you know, like, throwing food at, like, a big map of the U.S.
or some shit, or, like, a big canvas or whatever.
People just liked it when he got messy.
And, like, don't get me wrong, that's, like, a viable avenue for performance art.
That's exactly Blue Band Group's bag, you know?
They're a little bit of Stomp, and they're a little bit of Gallagher.
And they've got blue all over their bodies, and so they look like some sort of weird, like, Smurf men.
It's bizarre.
But I've seen them twice, and it was a hoot both times.
Also, I have to correct you.
You said the saddest thing was that Gallagher stuff, but the saddest thing is his brother who did the same thing under the name Gallagher 2.
Oh yeah, Jesus Christ!
And tried to steal... The Great Value version of Gallagher.
And tried to steal the whole act, and then Gallagher had to, like...
Take his brother to court.
I'm the real Gallagher!
They're both dressed in, like, the get-up, and you can't tell which one is which.
You've got the gun, and you have to choose which one to shoot.
As much as you only have one bullet, that's the dilemma.
Yes!
The dilemma isn't that you want to hit the right one, it's that you're down to one bullet, and you can't get them to line up properly.
You're like, ahh!
Comedy show.
Anyway, let's move on to our mailbag, because we have gone wildly off topic.
Our listeners got questions, we got answers.
It's time for Q and A. Again, we're still below both of the Gallaghers.
Yes.
Still punching up, which is very humbling for us.
Yes.
The day we reach the exalted heights of Gallagher 2 will be incredible.
I remember as a kid seeing that, like in the newspaper, I'd be looking at the ads for the comedy shows and I'd see Gallagher II and I would have no idea why that was there.
And then I found out it was like, wow, that is that is terrible.
Holy shit.
When we have enough juice to like do a call to action to the audience to get like fan art of us like dismissively turning our backs and walking away from a broken disheartened Gallagher, then I will accept that we can no longer make fun of him because at that point we would be punching down.
Amanda Scanlon says, have you found an uptick in Q Twitter accounts recently?
I came across one the other day called Qmum that had 29,000 followers.
She basically tweets pictures of celebrities and politicians and saying they have been executed at Gitmo.
Incredible gimmick.
That is just ripping off Warnoose, which is a weird misspelling of Warnurse.
Warnurse is like an old school QAnon promoter who, their whole thing is they just post black and white photos of their enemies and then list the penal code crimes against them.
Wait, so somebody picked up the ball and just did the same thing, but please tell me, is it just spelled N-U-S-E?
Yep.
N-U-S-E is Warnoose.
A QMom I haven't looked at yet.
Incredible.
Ward Noose.
Yeah, it's so weird.
Oh, like there was a person recently who got followed by Ward Noose and they were like, Oh my God, this is such an honor.
I've been following them for so long.
And it's like, you, you, you haven't read their Twitter feed, right?
It's just literally the same shit over and over and over again of just black and white photos of Obama and Bill Gates and Robert Mueller and all the other people they hate.
And then just, This crime, this crime, this crime.
This is why they'll be executed for their crimey crimes.
Warnews has over 100,000 followers on Twitter.
Warnews?
I don't know why.
How did they survive the Great Q Purge?
They were, but Elon brought them back.
Everyone was very happy when they brought them back.
Yep, there's a black and white photo of Hunter Biden and Robert Biden, and they're going to be convicted under Penal Code 18- Mike, watch out, you're burning through your 600s so fast.
I know, I know.
They're going to be convicted of treason.
You gotta slow your roll, Mike.
You're going too deep.
Oh no, oh no, I'm in the Olympics!
Elon's going to throttle the shit out of you.
Oh, she decided to up her game this week and posted a bunch of black and white photos of John F. Kennedy before he got murdered.
Because that's a thing that they want to talk about.
Because yeah.
Anyway, for me it's impossible to tell which one of these idiots that I see all over Twitter now are Q idiots, because they've all got blue checks, so I assume they're just some sort of fascist.
Yeah.
And I'm not willing to look into what flavor that is, but if you're willing to pay the toll for the Elon Musk task, that puts you at the Grimes level of shitty person, and I just don't care to know much more about you.
And some people are like, I have a business or whatever, etc.
Yeah, tough shit.
I mean, them's the breaks, you know, free market, etc.
You got a lot of use out of free Twitter.
Now Twitter is not free.
You have to decide whether you want to pay for it and your customers get to have an opinion about where you're spending your money.
I don't give a fuck if you're a business or if you're like a public figure or whatever, like you get to decide whether or not you want to be on Twitter.
Yeah, I've seen people say things like, well, I want to post longer-than-two-minute videos on Twitter, and it's just post a link to your YouTube.
There's no reason why you should give Elon money, and there's no reason why you should give any of these soulless corporations money, but Elon, again, As we said earlier, Elon just makes bad people look good by comparison, which is fucking awful.
He is so toxic and shitty, he's just making banal evil look good, which is terrible.
Yeah, in a perfect world, we just like, we get hands off with Elon for a while and just let him turn Twitter into exactly what he wants it to be, which is e-girls trying to sell their OnlyFans accounts to t-shirt robots.
Yes.
Everybody wins, right?
You know, like every once in a while some in-cells go in there to find out some OnlyFans accounts they're interested in and to buy some sweet t-shirts.
And marshmallows.
Don't forget the marshmallows.
Yep.
Marshmallows?
Is that a Twitter thing?
Yeah.
Like, one of the last advertisers they have left is this, like, small batch artisanal marshmallows.
I keep getting, like, leather knife sheath.
It's like a pretty popular thing, I see.
I get artisanal marshmallows, and a YouTuber I follow ordered them, and they didn't show up for three months, and they tasted like shit.
So I was like, you know?
Of course.
Yeah, I mean, what was he expecting?
They're marshmallows.
I mean, come on.
Yeah.
Like, I feel like if you want a marshmallow that's, like, the actual platonic ideal of a marshmallow without needing to touch it till it can't fire, like, it needs to be the freshest possible.
Yeah.
The idea of delivered marshmallows.
Holy shit.
Are they sending them by drone?
Do they have warehouses within 200 miles of me where the marshmallow can get to me in a few hours?
Unless they're cereal marshmallows.
Unless you know to expect a big bag full of stuff that tastes like cereal.
Yeah, I've heard about marshmallows.
And that was part of her review.
She was like, I am setting up and eating these right now.
They are as fresh as they can be.
I just got them today.
Boom.
Let's get into this.
This is the Choco Chip one.
And she's like, and they taste terrible.
I was like, okay.
I just assume all that shit tastes terrible.
I mean, we went on our needless magic spoon rift back in the day.
Oh, I'm a magic spoon fan.
Big fan.
So, thank you for the question, which has once again viciously derailed us, as they often do.
Pancake Peasant asks, what is the biggest U.S.
history fact that surprised you when you learned it?
Biggest that surprised me?
What is it?
Is it like the Tulsa Massacre?
Yeah.
That Watchmen TV show was based on?
That was a thing that I was astonished to hear existed.
I had heard about it before that TV show, but that reminded me of how insane it was that I needed some other form of pop media to tell me that that was a thing and that I never learned about it in school.
The U.S.
Army bombed black people on American soil.
Literally, the U.S.
Army deployed and bombed A black town?
Yeah, it was just crazy.
Like, hearing about that, I was just like, what the fuck?
I was like, in America?
Like, the United States of America?
Really?
For me, probably the myth of Abraham Lincoln.
I had a college history course.
Yeah, dude, I used to think that Abraham Lincoln was real, too.
Fucking crazy.
Like, the Emancipation Proclamation is two pages, not just one, and all the slaves were not You like freed all at once, nor were they just straight up freed.
Uh, there was actually a town where the union went back.
A union army went in and be like, no, you have to go back to being slaves.
Um, and Abraham Lincoln, as we know him now, the idea came about about during world war II when we needed propaganda and heroes.
So yeah, the myth of Abraham Lincoln and American exceptionalism that, that kind of like blew my mind a little.
I think mine's a little more subtle, but I think my favorite surprising bit of history was that the Boston Tea Party was actually started because the British were bringing tea in that was undercutting the prices of the American tea smugglers.
The Tea Party was not because of the Tea Act and because of taxes on tea.
It was because the British government was now Attempting to compete with the Americans in that market.
And the tea smuggling groups of people were like, these fucking assholes are trying to sell tea cheaper than us.
Nope, get on those boats and throw that cheap tea overboard.
Fuck them.
We're keeping our tea profits for ourselves, assholes.
Fuck that royal crown shit.
Get it out of here.
Yeah, so literally the Boston Tea Party was an attack against competition in the market.
It was literal anti-capitalism.
It was not some, oh, they're bringing, they're going to bring their overpriced tea in and make us buy it and we can't.
No, no, no, no.
Everyone was smuggling shit back then.
The whole reason why that shit boiled over into actual shooting and then The fucking Revolutionary War was because this kind of Mickey Mouse little defiance of the British crown was happening all the time, and then when the Brits were trying to re-institute control, the Americans would be like, no, fuck you, you're 3,000 miles away from us, you don't know what you're doing, you're not able to run this place correctly, and just that kind of stuff.
The idea that brave patriots were trying to overcome regressive taxation in this situation is not at all true.
It is literally just, hey, we wanted to make that money.
Now the British are trying to make that money.
Fuck them.
They ain't getting the money.
Those assholes.
So.
That and the other thing is not so much that it's surprising, but I just love the way America views the Revolutionary War, because it is just what Sarge said about the myth of Abraham Lincoln.
The myth of the American Revolution is so ridiculous compared to what actually happened.
Which is, we were being supplied black market gunpowder by the French for most of the war, and then when the British stepped on their own dicks and got themselves defeated at Saratoga, the French were like, fuck it, we ain't gonna do black market fucking gunpowder anymore, we're just gonna openly declare war on Britain and fuck with them.
And basically the French then carried our asses to victory.
And then X number of years later, we decided, you know, who won independence all by themselves?
Us.
America.
We did that.
And it's like, no.
In no fucking way did America stand up to Britain and defeat them.
We were just France's puppet.
And that's how we won.
But hey, if you want to try to fucking... Was it that and being impossibly far away?
Yes!
Oh yeah, being impossibly far away was a... The power of just being like, hey, if we've rattled your cage, we'll hear from you in six months or whatever, you know?
Yep.
Andrew Jackson's political career was created in the War of 1812 and the Battle of New Orleans, where he slaughtered the shit out of the British and suffered almost no casualties of his own.
And a couple of weeks after that battle, the boats arrived at shore and were like, oh yeah, by the way, we declared peace like a couple of months ago.
I hope nothing terrible happened.
I hope not like a thousand British people got slaughtered in a battle that didn't matter because the peace had already been declared.
Oh no!
Oh no!
Yeah, even in 1812, the distance was too great for there to be any level of rapid communication between the two sides.
So yeah.
Tree of liberty, man.
Tree of liberty.
Absolutely.
Don't fret on me.
And our final two questions are kind of the same, so I'm just going to put them both together, which is A, Cleodora Silvestri, the Hellworld's Grand Inquisitor, asks, How long do you think Trump has left to live before the inevitable Taco Bowl coronary delivers him to the reddest of all places?
And Klutz Zero asks, If Trump died of natural causes next week, what percentage of Q-folks do you estimate would subscribe to each theory?
One, he was assassinated.
Two, he faked his death.
Oh boy, that's a tough one.
I've got two years on the Trump death pool.
other. Oh boy, that's a tough one. I've got two years on the
Trump death pool. He's looking real rough. And I'm gonna give
He's still impossibly, like, he's wealthy, which is unfortunate.
That's a pretty big force multiplier.
As for the other thing, I would say nearly 100% assassination.
Nearly 100% they would just be like, my god, they got him.
Yeah, faked his death comes later down the road.
Assassination into martyrdom.
Yeah, I gotta go with that one, like 90%.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
If he dies, the amount of vitriol and anger that will come about from his death will make it 100% an assassination.
And the idea that he is still alive will only come much later when people need hope.
Because in the moment, they'll need anger.
They'll need rage.
And they'll need a reason why to hate their enemies.
So the idea of Trump just Having a heart attack or a stroke and dying will be unacceptable.
He will have been hit with a CIA heart attack gun or whatever in order to make that plot, make that good for them.
And what will be really interesting about that will be the Whole, how many of the Republican Party actually fall in line with that shit?
Because they've managed to pander to a lot of QAnon shit a lot of the time.
The mainstream Republican Party has become so conspiracy theory orientated and nutso that it's really hard to figure out where, where rationality actually begins.
So if Trump just kicks the bucket tomorrow.
How many of them are like, Oh, we've lost a great Patriot and a brave man.
And how many of them are like, I want an investigation into Joe Biden and what he did to support Donald Trump.
Like they're going to impeach Donald.
They're going to impeach Joe Biden because Donald Trump had a heart attack.
That's what, that's where we're going to go.
That's where that's, that's going to be politics in the year of our Lord 2023.
I still love the, the more calls for investigation to Hunter Biden.
And it's like, he pleaded still, he pleaded guilty.
Yeah, but apparently he was smoking crack while driving down the freeway or whatever.
I looked at those pictures and now it's just like, who cares?
I mean, like, who cares if it says that it's just like, yeah, okay, if you've got these smoking gun photos, then like, yeah, sure thing.
I mean, lock them up.
Who cares?
I don't give a fuck about Hunter Biden.
Fuck him, lock him up.
He's not in the administration like all of Trump's kids.
Right.
100 Biden isn't telling Joe Biden to bomb Syria the way Ivanka told Trump to throw some missiles in there and made Alex Jones cry.
Yeah, dude, just get in there with some missiles into Syria.
As for how long Trump's going to live, it's really tough to say because both Sarge and El are right that on the one hand Trump looks fucking terrible and he's degrading, but on the other hand there is so much invested in getting this man over the finish line for whatever it is he's doing because they want to keep him around because he's a politically useful tool.
You're trying to tell me that he's not on adrenochrome?
Get out of here.
He's got as much fucking chrome as they can pump into his body, you know?
Oh, absolutely.
Absolutely.
Anything that can keep him going, they're gonna do it.
Because he is the Republican Party at this point.
I mean, again, we've seen what Ron DeSantis wants, and that's to appeal to fucking Nazis on 4chan.
That's not great.
But Trump's post-life, sort of what he'll become, the martyrdom, the specter.
I mean, I was a kid and there was fucking like the photos of JFK that had survived the assassination and visiting Jackie's gravesite and shit like that.
So yeah, the post-assassination survival of Trump will come about.
For the first half year, I'd say or so, be mostly sadness with a few people every now and then going, Hey, wait a minute.
Check the earlobes on Trump in the coffin.
Something ain't adding up.
The earlobe truthers will be out there.
They'll be trying to put two and two together to prove that it ain't really Trump in the coffin.
They're going to use their lobe phrenology to figure that out.
Yes.
Oh God, I love the earlobe truthers.
Truly the greatest of all human beings.
So that brings us to our final question as always.
What are you guys looking forward to?
Oh boy.
We're still too out to say the Barbie movie.
We're still too early to say the Barbie movie.
I'll give Sarge time to think and I'll say that I'm going to give up my thing I'm excited for to get a secret boosh topic in here because I forgot to talk about it earlier.
I just finished the second episode of that secret invasion show which I barely can be bothered to give a fuck about.
I'm on vacation this week and that's the only reason that I'm watching any of it.
And two episodes in and I'm just like, man, this is the most fascist show I've ever seen in my life.
Like, QAnon must love this show.
They would have to be all over themselves at this fucking show because it's about like a heroic American super spy waging a one-man war against an invading alien force of refugees who are super evil, at least the ones that we're going after, and are in fact doing false flag operations across the world.
And are heroic, you know, representative of Earth, who also happens to be just an American guy.
Has to save us from these angry refugees that are like daring to try.
They're just like, hey, you know, you said you would find us a place to relocate by now and you haven't.
So we're just like, why don't we why don't you just let us live on your planet?
And they're just like, absolutely not.
And they're just like, OK, well, in that case, we're super evil.
Now we're bombing Moscow and we're killing everyone.
And I'm just like, wow, what an incredibly fascist leading show.
This is crazy.
Are you looking forward to more of it?
Uh, no, not so much.
But I mean, I probably will continue to watch it.
Well, there's one more episode out this week, I believe, as of today.
So, like, imagine my surprise when I went to get caught up on it and I watched it as the second episode as I was chuckling to myself over how, like, crazy it was.
The fact that the angry refugees invading the foreign place really did do a false flag, I was like, oh man.
And they said they'd call it out, too.
It's like, this has got false flag written all over it, you know?
I was like, oh my god.
Uh but so then imagine my surprise when it went to automatically play another episode and I was like oh no no no oh honey no 40 minutes of this is about like it's too big I was like we'll catch you maybe later uh anyway so yeah so I the I guess the thing I'm excited for is The thrilling, uh, not conclusion, the thrilling middle of this wildly crazy show.
I don't know, man.
It's so hard to care about the Marvel stuff anymore.
Samuel L. Jackson seems like he's trying.
He's trying his little ass off, but, I mean, come off it.
I guess I'm excited to finally watch Oshinoko.
I found out What it's actually about and I'm much more excited about it.
It's an anime.
It's all out, or the first season is anyway, so I'm just gonna binge it here at some point and I'm excited.
You're a better man than I am.
I heard what it was about, then I found out what it was really about, and I couldn't get over what it was actually about.
You know what I mean?
Like the stuff that's on the screen.
I don't want to watch any show about a 10-year-old idol girl.
No.
Not my cup of tea, thank you.
I don't feel like Japan has earned that level of trust with me, you know?
She's not 10.
She's mad young, isn't she?
What?
You know, it's about this idol has twins and then she gets murdered and the doctor and
the...
Yeah, they're like reincarnated to the twins or whatever, right?
Yeah, the doctor and the cancer patient that he couldn't save are reincarnated to the twins.
Yeah, how old are the twins?
After the time jump, they're in high school.
Oh, okay.
I did not know there was a time jump, but that does make it slightly more palatable, but just looking at that show, I mean, everybody was crowing about it, and I was just like, yeah, I'm good.
But I am glad that it's not a creepy show about a 10 year old idol girl, because that was the vibe I got off of it from everything that everyone had said about the description of the plot.
So it makes it unfortunate that it's probably one of those shows that you have to be like, well, like the real plot is like something else.
And it's just like, yeah, well, I don't know.
I got a vibe off of it that I was like, this seems creepy.
I don't want to watch this.
Yeah, it's a long slow burn murder mystery.
Well, I am, I guess, looking forward to, question mark, the fact that I'm going to go see The Sound of Freedom tonight for free, thanks to the lunatics who are trying to prop this movie up.
This is the Jim Caviezel human trafficking movie, which is apparently going to be dog shit.
Because it's not actually about adrenochrome and child organ harvesting and stuff.
It's just a mainstream anti-child trafficking movie that's going to have high production values and be adequate.
But apparently at the end of the movie, Jim Caviezel gives a long speech about how we're fighting a great evil, and we must be vigilant, and God, Jesus, blah, blah, blah, and all that kind of stuff at the end.
Which, that's not the movie I want to see for free.
I wanted to see Adrenochrome.
I wanted to see all their fucking harebrained bullshit.
For the world to see it.
And QAnon's been posting about how, I went to see it and everyone in the theater cried and it was so touching and blah blah blah.
And I don't believe them.
But when I looked at my theater, when I got my free tickets, supposedly it's going to be jam-packed.
So I'm going to have me and Arizona Right Wing Watch are both going to see the movie.
We're going to do a review on our pod.
This week, probably.
And she's been saying that she has not been able to find a theater, and that theaters that have been showing the movie have been empty as fuck.
So, we don't know.
But, yeah.
It's all gonna be a hoot and a holler, because I do enjoy watching dumb weird shit like this.
But I am depressed that this is kind of a glossy mainstream thing.
This is DeSantis finding the right level of porridge.
Because this movie isn't going to go to Crazy Town, apparently.
Even though Jim Confeasle himself is aggressively in Crazy Town.
Maybe the next movie that he is the producer of outright is just going to have the adrenochrome scene in it that I'm yearning for.
But we'll see.
So that's where I'm at, which is not a great place to be, but hey, that's my life.
Yeah, well, I mean, I could feel the excitement radiating off of you.
I was just like, oh my god.
It's like a roller coaster.
It's like a dark ride roller coaster.
It's like a space mountain.
I'm so excited.
But, you know, it is what it is.
Sometimes you have to take one for the team.
And also, we all know that Mike Rains secretly hopes that he's going to get into a shouting, eight-door fistfight with one of the clowns at this thing, regardless of what movie they're screening.
He just wants to go there and yell at someone's face about how they're wrong about something.
Oh, that's my life.
That's all I exist for.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, God, don't I know it.
Oh, the number of times Els pulled me away from people.
Literally in the hundreds.
So on that note, it is time for us to wrap up the show.
And you know what?
Sarge and I are going to dramatically watch Mike wander into the distance, ready to scrap with anyone who may get in his way, like so much Fist of the North Star.
And Mike's got a huge silhouette, while Sarge and I just sort of look at him, and we're just like, yeah!
And that's how we're heading out this week.
Thank you so much for supporting the show.
If you'd like to continue to support the show for free, you can do so by giving us a five-star review wherever you get your podcasts from.
If you have money and you want to give it to us, we will take it.
Lord knows we will take it.
You can give it to us by visiting patreon.com slash PokerPolitics, where you can donate anything $2 and above.
If you donate $5 or more per month, you get access to any bonus content that we have produced or will produce in the future.
There's a bunch of stuff on there, including all of us taking the piss out of some Q-pop media.
Those series are especially fun.
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So yeah, check those out if you're one of our $5 and above beautiful-er babies.
We appreciate all he is in the crib.
So, if you have money and you don't want to give it to us dickheads, you can do some good with it by donating it to love146.org, their charity organization whose vision is the end of child trafficking and exploitation.
Thanks as always to DJ Minimal Effort for use of our intro song.
They are wise and not on social media.
What a wise sensei.
We should all aspire to be more like DJ Minimal Effort.
But slumming it on social media with us is our buddy Frosty, who you can find at FrostyVO.
Frosty, of course, supplies all of our voice work, the voice EQ, our bumps, etc.
Anything we need, Frosty has us covered.
At least for the time being, while Elon Musk rides it into a flaming crater in the internet ground.
You can find the show on Twitter, at Hellworld, with a Q instead of an O. I'm on Twitter, at HellworldL, with Hellworld spelled the same way.
Sarge is at Sargent Hell, and Mike Rains is, of course, at Poker Politics.
So for another successful episode of the Adventures in a Hell World podcast, I have been one of your hosts, the Mysterious Al, joined as always by the Enigmatic Sarge and our expert in all things QAnon Crazy, Mr. Mike Rains.
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