Adventures in HellwQrld Episode #140: Durham's Watch Has Ended
This week we talk about the Boebert Divorce, Elon being a huge moron (what else is new) and QAnon's greatest hero has failed to crush the Deep State as John Durham has packed up his bags and left town with no more arrests to be made. Get bonus content on PatreonSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/hellwqrld. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
be separate which you can leave out, and you don't want.
Content warning.
The Adventures in Hellworld podcast talks in depth about QAnon, which means we have to talk about all kinds of child abuse and violence against people.
Listener discretion advised.
Hello, everybody.
I am Mike Rains, a.k.a.
Poker and Politics, and welcome to another episode of Adventures in Hellworld.
This week, I am joined, as always, by Sarge.
It's me, Sargeo.
Feeling it.
Sarge on his A game this week.
I got my coffee.
It'll only tick up from here.
And the mysterious El.
Let's fucking rage, my beautiful babies!
Oh yeah, grippy rippy!
That's from Elle's stash of original Four Lokos.
That's a real Four Loko.
Like the kind that can kill you.
This was the prototype where they still had the fifth Loko in there.
Oh, man.
Five Loko?
That's too many Lokos.
Well, it was like a negotiation tactic.
They hit the FDA with the full five Lokos and they were just like, this is too powerful.
They're like, okay, we'll scale it back.
We'll take away one of the Lokos.
They're like, okay, you're fine.
And then college kids found out that Four Lokos was still too many.
Those cans of malt liquor beverage or whatever were too big and too cheap.
And those, like, King Cobra or whatever, like, it also didn't taste as bad.
I mean, it still tasted pretty bad, but not as bad as, like, a full on King Cobra or, like, Steel Reserve.
So pretty bad.
I never got into energy drinks, so the Four Loko history is something that I don't remember.
Oh yeah, but it was the intersection of two things Mike Rains is notorious for loving.
Caffeine and energy drinks and alcohol.
But Mike Rains is like, man, I can't wait for my Red Bull and vodka.
Oh, that's me.
I mean, you see me at the poker table always getting ripped up and losing all my money because I'm drunk and caffeinated.
I've always found that to be the weirdest thing in the world.
When you're like, I'm risking money in a game, what I need to do is alter my brain state with depressants and or stimulants.
That is how I will achieve optimal money making capabilities by doing this.
I mean, for people that aren't fucking weird grinders or whatever, the first couple of pops helps you loosen up so you're not just sitting down and playing scared.
There was a poker pro who said he had a friend who was the tightest player in the world sober, the best player in the world buzzed, and the worst player in the world drunk.
So that guy was like, oh, yeah, I mean, that actually sounds like there's probably a lot of wisdom that you know what I mean?
Yeah, again, like you can't you can't afford to be playing that scared in poker.
But yeah, I know for me, like I like the couple of times I went down to Foxwoods and played some poker, like I felt a little more comfortable.
I'm a big nerd, so I could definitely tell that like I played better magic when I had a fuzz on just like just calm down a little.
Yeah.
Just help you tap into that higher brain state.
Yeah.
Yeah, I remember back in the good old Magic the Days, just leaving tournaments with a headache, because I just brained so hard.
I never drank any caffeine or energy drinks while I was doing that, but I just remember my brain was just like, urgh.
Which is why playing Mono Green for a month was refreshing, because it was just like, play large thing, turn large thing sideways, I am the best, I win now.
Not having to think.
Not having to think is good.
That's the better world to live in.
The brainless world.
The real technology is dropping some acid and then going to a midnight pre-release for some hypothetical magic set.
Oh, I don't know.
Let's just make one up, like Rise of the Ultras.
Yeah.
I knew where this was going, because I was there.
That was a pretty fun night, hypothetically, in this fictional story that we're telling.
Where no crimes were committed by any members of the podcast.
Absolutely not.
So yes, this was purely a work of fiction and speculation.
And even if it did happen, it was totally to somebody else.
Yes, 100%.
It's a comedy show.
These are all jokes.
Yes!
In like three months, we're just gonna have it open.
It's just gonna be this really, really detailed analysis of how a body was buried.
And we're gonna be like, jokes!
Jokes, people!
Funny jokes!
The funny thing is, like, get out of my brain.
I was thinking the exact same thing about how, you know, Smash cut to a little while down the line, and we're just like, and that was where we buried him!
Anyway, fun jokes, guys!
Definitely nothing behind that plot of land next to that abandoned Arby's.
Don't worry about it anyway.
Although, to be fair, if you were going to bury somebody, that would be a great place to do it.
If you want to think about the future True Crime Podcast audience.
Not even abandoned Arby's, just an Arby's.
Yeah, just straight up Arby's.
No one cares.
I just think there's something especially grim about the idea of an abandoned fast food establishment.
It doesn't even necessarily have to be Arby's, but Arby's would be a good one.
But there are other worse ones, right?
Like Long John Silver?
Oh yeah.
Long John Silver's just way better than Arby's.
But I feel like Arby's has like a national like cachet like in terms of like the pop culture that Long John Silver's just doesn't.
I feel like half of the people who we confronted with an abandoned Long John Silver's would be like, is this real?
Like, was this like a real restaurant?
Is this a movie prop?
We have that terrifying abandoned Denny's near our house here in the beloved Commonwealth of Massachusetts by that, I don't know, what used to be Kmart Plaza, which is that market basket.
There's just that graffitied, devastated, rampaged Denny's that looks like a prop from a Mad Max movie.
Yeah, it looks about 20% worse than it did when it was still operational.
That's where we were going 15 years ago after our Blazer Quest tournament or whatever.
Yes, exactly.
I think this was great because before it became a derelict wreck, it was most notorious for just like, as a wild coincidence, it had two one-armed waitresses.
Yes!
Yeah, that was a thing.
Yeah, it was, and like, you know, like most cities, I was only ever showing up there, like, this is when I grew up in, like, the Boston area or whatever, like, just growing up, like, showing up there, just, like, blasted drunk with my friends, like, after a night of, like, God knows what, usually, like, a Laser Quest lock-in or a midnight matinee.
Or just like, oh, it's like the midnight showing of like, you know, Iron Man.
Like we went to the, like, so this is like, that dates it right there, 2008 or whatever that was.
And it's just like, yeah, go to, go to see the midnight release of Iron Man and then go get, uh, they had that mozzarella grilled cheese sandwich, mozzarella stick grilled cheese sandwich there, which was just great.
If you were drunk and coming out of a movie where you hadn't had anything to eat for three hours.
My, my go-to drunk restaurant was, uh, Waffle House.
They're not, you know, the best at waffles.
They're not the best at anything.
They exist.
They're the best at, like, having fights happen in them.
Apparently, yes.
I mean, Waffle House is notorious for a couple of things, and one of them is just like, dude, if you go to a, like, it's a roll of the dice.
If you go into a Waffle House, there's a pretty good chance that you're going to be, that you're going to see or be involved in some sort of scrap.
Head down at the Waffle House.
Like, you know, eyes on your own homework.
Yeah, avoid eye contact at all costs.
The Waffle House has no law.
Everybody's blind at the Waffle House.
You know what I mean?
Yep.
Anyway, that's enough vamping.
Let's get to Amuse-a-Bouche!
It's time for a light sampling of insanity.
Get ready for the Amuse-Bouche!
Speaking of a boosh I'd like to amuse, it looks like our good friend of the podcast, Lauren Boebert, is finally single.
That was a horrible joke, and I wasn't sure if I was going to go there, and then I did.
But yes, my attraction to Lauren Boebert remained strong.
Now she is single.
Hit me up.
Pick up the phone.
I can't tell you that I treat you any better than he did, because I probably don't have the means that he did.
But hey, I am available.
Actually, it doesn't appear that her husband was really very financially stable or anything.
Her husband, or soon-to-be ex-husband, as it were, he got himself into a bit of trouble exposing himself to some teenagers at a bowling alley.
This was... Wait, recently?
Yeah, this was right before, when Bobert rose to fame, it came out that her husband had an indecent exposure charge.
And so people were just like, this is like, she's not exactly her husband is a sex pest, which is not a great look.
So, wow.
Yeah.
So, yeah, it seems like he clearly just has cock confidence, though.
Just pull that shit out in the middle of public.
Hey, take a look at this.
What I've got.
It's just like, OK, well, that's a crime for some.
Yeah.
Yeah, and what was funny was that because Boebert is, of course, one of these hypocritical, all about the traditional family, all about life and the sanctity of it things, she did some public speaking about people having problems in their relationships, and she told her audience that if If you chase Jesus, your husband will chase you for seeing you chasing Jesus.
So, if you just bring Jesus into the marriage, it'll all work out and everything.
Bro, if you're eye-fucking another guy, I want that part of you.
I don't care if that other guy's Jesus.
Hell no.
Hell no.
Like, especially, because I can't fist-fight Jesus.
Like, if she's my fucking best friend or our neighbor or something, I can handle that problem.
I can just be like, oh, we'll see how attractive you think he is once I tune him up.
But Jesus?
Even if he was real, which he is not, I don't think I could take it.
He's magical.
Trying to, I don't know, trying to come to blows with the Son of God is probably going to be a tricky thing.
It's going to be tough when he's the other man in the relationship.
You know what really strengthens my marriage?
Getting cucked by Jesus.
It's just the greatest thing ever.
Knowing that I'm the second best man, maybe third depending on how she feels about her father, in my wife's life is brilliant.
I just, uh, that just reminded me of the, uh, there was like a comic of Jesus hanging out with God and, like, Mary, and then Joseph walks in, and God's just like, hey, Joseph!
And Joseph's just like, hey, God.
And they just have, like, side-eye each other.
They're pretty, pretty angry about the whole thing that, like, Joseph got cucked by God, and that's why Jesus is... I mean, that's pretty crazy, but if anybody probably has a dick worthy of pulling out in front of a bunch of teens at a bowling alley, it's gotta be, like, actual God, right?
Yeah!
That one's probably pretty impressive.
Still a crime for a variety of reasons, though, so you're arrested.
God.
But on the way out, somebody will give you a wry nod.
The creep spraying that stuff inside of the bowling shoes will look across the way and give you the nod.
He's just like, I saw it.
It was pretty good.
So yeah, another Republican family values person truly living up to them because we just had MTG going through a divorce along with all kinds of like messy stuff about her having all kinds of affairs behind her husband's back and Just all that good stuff going on.
Now our other hero of the sanctity of marriage, Bobert, is dipping out on her creepy criminal husband after she'd had that conversation about how she's going to be a grandmother at a very young age because one of her teenage children is involved in it.
I forget if it was her daughter or son, but yeah, someone Someone somewhere generated pregnancy in the teen years there.
So, I don't know, like 45 year old or whatever old Bobbert is, she's like, yeah, I'm gonna be a grandma already.
Just my family, virile, just getting out there, making more children very quickly, because that's healthy and good.
Yeah, we fuck young in my family.
Okay, Miss Bobbert, exactly how young?
This interview is over.
Hey, there's Romeo and Juliet laws in Colorado.
Totally above board illegal.
Remember that Transformers movie where that was a plot point in it?
And like the main character who like busted out like that bit of information had a laminated card in his wallet.
It was just like, hey.
Here's like a little laminated card to inform you about the law which says I get to fuck your underage daughter.
Wait, what?
Yeah!
As soon as I said that, my mind jumped to that.
Then Elle beat me to it.
Yeah, that was a thing.
It comes up on Twitter.
It was the first Marky Mark.
Marky Mark Transformers movie.
Like, he has a daughter who is 17.
She's dating a person who is, like, 20 or whatever.
And then, at one point, Marky Mark starts giving him some guff about it, and that kid produces from his wallet a laminated card describing the Romeo and Juliet law.
It's like, no, actually, in terms of the law, I can fuck your underage daughter, thank you very much, Marky Mark.
Here you go.
And Optimus Prime is there, and he's just like, wow, it's pretty fucked up you have that.
It's just like, tough shit, that pussy's the bomb!
Some writer was just like, this needs to be in the movie.
And it's like, nah, probably doesn't.
I don't remember that at all.
Yeah, can you call HR on somebody just for having that idea in the writer's room?
Yeah.
Because first of all, you would have to know that thing.
Like, I think I learned about the Romeo and Juliet statute idea as a concept from that movie.
Yeah.
Right, exactly.
What the fuck?
Yeah, it's a real weird historical artifact in those movies that that happened.
And people bring it up like every six months or so.
They're just like, the discourse on social media, where they're like, remember that scene from Transformers when and everyone's like, yeah, that was so fucked up.
Why did that happen?
Who thought they should put that in the film?
What was the point?
But we can't make that character 18 for The exact reasons you guys all think.
Like, all the people involved in making that character, like, behind the scenes before they started filming were just like, you know, it's hotter if she's not legal, right?
Yeah!
And then they all, like, crack open a butt light, like, you know, fucking all toast to how great they are.
It's all awful shit.
I hate it so much.
Yeah that came up was remember when vaping became popular and for a while like vape places would like produce a little card for you to have did you guys ever see the actually i can vape because it's not a smoke card i oh no i had a i had a crappy friend i don't associate with anymore uh who like would quick he would just start vaping in your house all the time and like he vaped in someone's house and it was a They had kids and they were like, oh, can you not do that?
And he goes, it's, it's less harmful than a fog machine.
And, uh, I was like, man, you're just the fucking worst.
Like.
Yeah, I remember somebody back in the day, I don't think it was me because I never casually did nicotine vapings, but I think it was one of the disposable ones.
Somebody picked it up and it came with a little card for you to produce this to really stick it to them if they ever want to tell you that you're smoking indoors.
Because it's not smoke!
It's harmless water vapor!
It's just like, okay, well, you got him for the six months it takes for them to change the sign to just no smoking or vaping.
Yeah.
I'm sure the only person I ever believed was on the Sawbones podcast where they're just like, It's better for you, it's better than smoking a cigarette, but it's not good for you by any means.
And we, like, we're only just now starting to get any data in that vaping is, is less worse for you than cigarettes.
Well, if we're just getting the data in that we don't know.
Right.
In fact, it's going to turn out that vaping is better for you than breathing regular air.
And actually, uh, exhaling that delicious vapor is, it strengthens the environment as well.
You're dangerously close to, like, an idiocracy bit.
The most responsible thing you could do is vaping, actually.
The water vapor actually captures carbon in the atmosphere.
It actually is reducing global warming.
It's incredibly helpful, yes.
Yeah, if all of Australia started vaping, we would patch up the whole of the ozone, like, overnight, pretty much.
Is that still a thing?
I thought we were all, everyone was just like, the ozone, that's done.
No, yeah, we did.
We patched up the ozone layer.
We won.
Did we?
I'm not gonna lie, I didn't know.
I just assumed it was still a problem, but we all just stopped caring because we had larger problems.
I thought it was just like, well, we're fucking up the climate of the entire planet all at once, so who cares about the ozone?
Oh no, Australia's a little hot.
Tough shit's hot everywhere.
I suck at nerds.
Dude, my local area has like a small patch of woods and like literally the moment it hit 80 degrees here, boom, those woods were on fire.
It was just like, I don't know why that little patch of woods is so fire prone, but like the past couple of days just walking through my town, I'm just like, oh yeah, the woods are on fire.
No escaping that odor.
It's the smell of the woods on fire.
Anyway, uh, so moving on, uh, from, uh, Bovert being single, call me.
Uh, it looks like, this is something that Mike Raine surprised Sarge and I with, so I don't know shit about this.
Uh, Republicans, uh, have apparently lost a key witness to some sort of crime.
Mike, what are we talking about here?
Because I genuinely don't know.
Okay.
So for the past few weeks, we've had the Republicans launching investigations into the Biden, the Biden crime family, as they like to call it.
And one of these investigations has been centered around a quote unquote whistleblower who claims they have information about the Biden family receiving payments from China.
And that's China's back to being the villain this week in the right wing politics.
So.
They had done this, and we had Fox News and everyone breathlessly talking about, oh, we finally got the Bidens now, those notoriously rich and affluent Biden family just raking in the money hand over fist from their illegal foreign contacts.
And we're not going to talk about Trump and Russia or any of his sketchy dealings.
No, no, no, no, sir.
Only the Bidens.
But recently, After all these hearings were held, people started saying to James Comer, the spokesperson for these committees, yo, buddy, so when are we going to get the evidence and the testimony?
Yeah, that stuff.
The stuff that actually, you know, allows us to begin the process of prosecuting people for crimes.
And in recent interviews, Comer has declared that they've lost contact with the whistleblower that they had been getting their information from.
He's in the wind!
Yeah, right.
Soros got to him.
He's dead now.
Yes, absolutely.
Can't blow any whistles when you're dead, idiot.
No.
You should have thought about that before you crossed George Soros in the Deep State, right buddy?
I wanted to make a joke about how this is just like El's girlfriend in Canada, but he really did have a girlfriend in Canada.
Yeah, my girlfriend in Canada was super real.
It was great.
One of the most triumphant moments of my life was just like, introducing Canadian girlfriend!
Everybody was just like, wow, holy shit.
That's supposed to be a lead-in to a joke, not an actual woman.
What is going on here?
And she was also more attractive than I deserved, too.
It was a win all around.
Everybody was just like, is she gonna steal your kidneys?
And I was like, I don't know, man, but I'm here for the ride.
Yeah.
So this is basically what happens in almost every Republican investigation, like Benghazi and all the other nonsense that they dug into on the Clintons, where it's just, we've got the evidence, we're going to find it.
And then smash cut to, Oh, you want evidence?
Well, shut up, idiot.
We just know they're crooks because reasons.
And that's good enough for us, the Republican party.
It's just so obvious.
Yeah, exactly.
So yeah, they have, and the best part about this is, as when we get to our headlines, this whole thing is now going to be swept under the rug because they've got a new nothing burger to scream and yell about.
And this is the, this is the hamster wheel of outrage and disappointment that Republicans and QAnon put themselves on all the time, where they get their hopes up over something happening and everyone's like, oh, oh, it's going to happen.
And then it doesn't, and then they're like, oh no!
And then they quickly forget about what just happened and they run right to the next big event that's going to get them the big payoff that's finally going to crush their enemies and bring justice and freedom to America and democracy and all that good stuff.
That's just, you have to stay in that perpetual state of outrage and anger or else you might actually have your brain turn on.
And if your brain turns on, you might think things like, wait a minute, these guys have been lying to me for like seven years about how they're going to bring down Obama and the Clintons and everyone else.
Maybe the Clintons and the Obamas are not going to go to jail for forever.
Maybe all my enemies won't be sent to Kitmo.
Meanwhile, Trump can't stop being charged with crimes.
Like, actually be charged with them.
Yeah.
Oh yeah, it's going to be super awesome when his big boy indictments come down at some point in the next month or two, and we're just going to be watching Republicans being like, now, now, now, espionage, meshpionage, so much.
So what if?
That's great.
I mean, if he can just get maximum indictments before they still somehow produce him as their candidate for the next election, that would be incredible.
Oh, they're working on it.
They're absolutely working on it.
I mean, make him the worst possible candidate.
Just make him the least electable person on earth and then put him up against, like, maybe that would be the time for a little progressive surge to maybe actually put up a Bernie Sanders.
It's just like Donald Trump indicted on 30 different felony charges versus Bernie Sanders in the battle of implausible candidates.
Who could win?
Yeah, that's like the payoff in one of the Rising Stars comics.
Basically, a superhero runs for president repeatedly and just loses because he's just too inhuman and creepy.
And then he ends up running against two candidates who are so corrupt and horrible, he wins by default and becomes president.
And it's just like, oh shit!
Cause basically one guy, basically one candidate commits a murder and the other candidate tries to blackmail him into like staying in the race because of it.
And all their schemes get revealed.
And then America's just like, well, we can vote for the blackmailer or the murderer or the superhero.
I guess we vote for the superhero.
Give them some breaks!
Can you imagine the pants-shitting terror that, uh, us lefties would have to suffer through if Republicans in America could ever field, like, a good candidate?
Like, if they ever just had, like, an attractive, well-put-together person who keeps all of their racism and stuff, like, pretty secret.
Uh, it's still there.
I mean, it's the party line, but it's, like, secret.
They're, like, well-spoken and, like, nice and people seem to, like, like them.
Yeah, you know, it's hard to dislike this person.
Right, yeah.
In Massachusetts, we had Charlie Baker as our governor.
He was one of the most popular governors in America, and he was a Republican.
If they could actually have a guy like him run nationally, I mean, the problem is that their base is so psychotic, they would tear that guy apart.
Because they would be like, hey, do you want to, I don't know, basically murder women for having abortions?
And do you want to ship all non-cishet white men to Gitmo?
And Charlie Baker would be like, no, that's crazy.
They're like, boo!
Boo!
You're not a Republican!
They don't want small cracks in the foundation of democracy.
They want to blow it up in big chunks as fast as possible.
Oh yeah, that reminds me of the Rudy Giuliani sexual harassment lawsuit that claimed that he and Trump were offering pardons.
So Rudy would go to people saying, I can get you a pardon for Trump.
The fee is $2 million.
And then Rudy and Trump would split a million each for the pardon.
That's just an allegation in a civil case right now, and Lord knows if there's any smoke to that fire, that lady is going to get bought off so aggressively.
It's like, oh, we were just actually criming with pardons now?
Oh, no.
Here is your actual country.
That lady is now the owner of the Philippines.
Boom.
Now you don't talk about the president's criminess anymore.
I guess, but does Trump have that sort of money?
Well, I was more thinking like the Mercers and the Kokes and all the other billionaires.
Oh, you think one of the big boy billionaires like step in and are just like, okay, they're pursing with receipts.
It's time for this to go away.
Yes.
That's what I was thinking.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, hypothetically, yeah, we had somehow forgot to put this in the actual, like, boosh items, but we should talk about Giulietti's weird thing.
Because there's a bunch of weird stuff around it.
Oh, a million.
Do you think anybody... I mean, I know the answer's obviously no, but I still have to ask.
Do you think that anyone towing the party line would care if this lady who claimed to have evidence suddenly somebody showed up with, like, enough money to just make her just be like, what evidence?
I didn't... I never said any of that.
Oh, they would love it so much, the Republicans.
What does that do?
That doesn't mean anything.
That's not an admission of guilt.
What do you mean $200 million settlement?
What do you mean?
What do you mean $200 million settlement?
What do you mean?
Shut up about that.
Hey, I mean, we still have these people nowadays being like Fox News went to the deep state
by settling with Dominion because they would have won if they'd fought it.
It's like, no, they actually wouldn't have.
They knew they were going to get their asses paddled.
That's why they cut them.
No one gives out $800 million if they think they're going to win.
That would be the dream.
We need to start looking around these laptop shops and see if we can find a Donnie Two Scoops laptop that he just left in one of these repair places with a bunch of incriminating evidence on it.
Because, like, imagine having the smoking gun.
Imagine having the pee tape or something.
It would just be like, you know, make sure to get it in the hands of enough people where you can't just be disappeared without it coming to light, and then just be like, yeah, I have it.
My asking price to make me go away?
One hundred million dollars.
Run that up the flagpole to fucking pop a Coke or whatever.
Yeah.
Yeah, my morals are for sale.
The number is astronomical.
Let's go.
Yup.
Yeah, and then even then, you get the money, and then you still release it, cause fuck em.
Well, I don't release it.
Anonymous gets their hands on it.
Oh no!
Somebody paid Anonymous $10,000 to hack me!
Oh no!
I'm sorry my OPSEC was so poor.
Tough break.
By the way, I'm in a country with no extradition and my money is under my mattress so you can't get in it.
Tough shit.
Sorry.
Yeah, the US dollar's still pretty strong here, because why wouldn't it be?
So I have, like, a PMC protecting me at all times.
Come at me, Donald Trump, you fucking clown.
Come at me.
Let's do this.
The dream.
Living in paranoia that some orange cretin is gonna put a hit on you after you steal $100 million from him.
It'd be awesome.
Oh yeah, so back to the Rudy Giuliani thing, in a twist that I wish was fantasy.
I think Sarge actually hinted at this.
Did that end up being true, that headline that said that he liked to call her daughter during this stuff?
Yeah.
Well, he hasn't said anything about it.
Like, I didn't, I dared not click on the headline or whatever, because I was just like, I feel like that says enough, for my knowledge, but I didn't know if that, like, had any, like, vetted sources or whatever.
Or maybe it was just one of those, like, bad, the onion things.
It's just like, it's impossible to parse now when it comes to the conservatives in America, because anything they do could be true.
Like, anything anybody says about them could be true, because they're capable of anything.
Yeah.
The most salacious thing I remember from the story was that Rudy would have her performing oral sex on him during phone calls, and he was obsessed with this.
It was like his big power trip, was just being like, yeah, I want this to be happening while I'm on the phone with people, so I can just sort of have this weird fetish about that, that they don't know it's happening.
It's just, yeah.
And apparently he was even doing this while he was on the phone with then-President Trump.
So that was just... Rudy has weird kinks to him.
Who do you think taught him that move?
I bet Trump was in a similar boat, and they both knew it.
And it was making them extra, they were just like, yeah, we both know.
We both know that we know, but nobody's saying it.
It makes it so much harder.
Just a couple of totally straight bros getting beachers on the phone together.
Does Rudy Giuliani also famously, like, want to have sex with his own daughter?
Does he have a daughter?
I don't know and at this point I'd be scared to ask because it probably would all come out as being true.
It's a good thing that we're not a news show because I brought that up thinking that Sarge was the one who showed it to me and he seems baffled.
No, I've seen the article.
I did not share it with you but I saw that article where we got to find out what How did America ever respect that man?
I never did, for the record.
I don't know a lot of people who actually did.
He was the guy who happened to be the mayor of New York when 9-11 happened.
Yeah, he did some good work on that one day and got way too much credit for it.
And that was about it.
He came into work on one day.
Yeah, he came into work.
It was a shit show.
He busted his ass and I was, I've been talking to some people and they mentioned that like Rudy was in like the fallout of the World Trade Center for a long time and there are studies being done on people who are in that shit and like its effects on like your cognitive abilities and like some people are suffering like actual like dementia and like brain degeneration as a result of like being in that like
just like that whatever that is. If you're breathing in that cloud of
insulation and concrete dust you get the disease that makes you want to get blowed on the phone.
Yes. So weird.
But yeah, so our boy, America's Mayor.
Oh God, it's just... Yeah, just this is the company our former president keeps and is going to just be proudly flaunting to us apparently during this entire 2024 campaign.
Also, let's be fucking real.
If anybody was America's Mayor, it was Jerry Springer.
Yes.
He was the mayor, wasn't he?
Yes, he was.
Yeah, he absolutely embodied what America actually is.
Yes, which is fistfights over paternity tests.
That's America.
Yeah, poorly scripted fistfights over paternity tests in front of three cameras and a cheering audience of poor people with the government's boot on them.
He felt that his show had been bad for America and it's like, yeah man, we know.
Yeah, but in the same way that making anybody confront what they're actually about can be bad for them.
You do have to get through that bad part before you can start to grow.
Maybe we should have looked at the Jerry Springer stuff and been like, why do we all like this so much as a culture instead of just leaning way into it?
That would require introspection, and that is not something America is capable of, so... Because it was just like, imagine what, like, watching Jerry Springer as it's airing, and you're just, like, shaking your head at it, and you're just like, it can't possibly get any worse than this, and then, like, inside of ten years, toddlers in tiaras is happening.
Yup.
It's so funny that, like, and that's a show that, like, QAnon has not even gotten angry about, yet, like, everything else on the television is just, like, they're in a frothing rage over, mostly because I think that they probably enjoy, like, child beauty contests, and that's not something they find to be amoral.
But if you have some drag queen read a children's book to kids, that's the annihilation of America.
That's the very death of freedom.
Wasn't there some, just like last year or whatever, wasn't there some show called like MILF Manor?
Yeah, no, not even last year.
It was sort of just like I had to fight my impulse to call it MILF Island because that was the name of the fake show, the fake reality show about MILFs that 30 Rock prophesied a decade ago.
God, so crazy.
Yeah.
Jerry Springer is America's mayor.
Rest in power, King.
Anyway, on that sober note, let's go to our headline news segment for the week.
From the digital headlines to the digital front lines, it's Q's in the News!
Strap in for the thrilling conclusion of the nothing saga.
Because it looks like we might finally be done hearing about Durham.
So for what might be our final Durham watch, over to Mike Rades.
Is it finally the end of Durham?
It's the end of Durham in reality land.
In the fantasy fever dream of QAnon, it is only the beginning of Durham.
Durham's power only grows.
The legendary Durham will return?
Yeah!
So John Durham issued his final report, which was basically him whining like a piss baby that the FBI, this is the best part about all of this, is that none of the commentary you're going to actually be watching on TV as Republicans and CNN, who are now trying to become Fox News so desperately, so desperately, CNN wants to be Fox.
Everyone is on TV going like, oh my god, Durham just blew the lid off this thing.
Oh my god.
The actual report was mostly about the fact that he was mad that the FBI did a quote-unquote full investigation into the connections between Trump and Russia and not a preliminary investigation into the ties between Trump and Russia based on George Papadopoulos bragging to Muslim Australians about, hey, I'm like plugged into the Trump campaign in Russia.
I'm like a liaison.
It's totally not corrupt.
It's great.
So basically, Durham has this whiny screed about how the FBI wasn't great about what they did, and he's very upset at them, and that they're bad and awful.
And he further also offered no changes to the FBI's policies at all.
He just wanted to bitch about them.
And then, and this is the important part, Durham also concluded with no further charges.
Just remember those two guys he charged for crimes that got acquitted in trials?
No, I don't remember that either, because they were fucking nothing things.
But yeah, that was it.
He tried two guys for lying to the FBI in interviews, quote-unquote obstruction.
They were acquitted very quickly.
I don't think either jury deliberated more than a day.
And that was the sum total of his time in the courtrooms.
He... Well, hey, you know, can't strike out if you don't do three, you know what I mean?
Two and then question marks?
Oh no!
Did I strike out though?
Yes.
Well, technically he did score one big conviction, where he got one guy to plead guilty to editing or altering an email in one of the investigations, and that guy got community service.
Boom.
The first arrest.
Let's go.
The storm.
It's coming.
The storm's happening.
Get your paddleboard.
It's here now.
Stormtruck.
What is so funny about that is that Q actually did that for five seconds.
And QAnon loves to pretend this didn't fucking happen, but the guy that took the plea deal and got community service, Q actually had a scoreboard, and that guy was like number one on the scoreboard.
And what made it even juicier and dumber for QAnon was that guy's name was Kevin Kleinsmith, And so his initials were KC.
And if you alphanumeric that shit, we're going to your matriarch on you.
Not really, but kind of, but a KC is 11, three in alphanumeric code.
And Q's whole thing was that John Podesta was going to be arrested on 11, three
and 11, three was going to be the symbol of when the storm was going to happen.
And, and of course, no one remembers Kevin Kline Smith.
No one cares about him.
Q trying to declare him, quote unquote, the first arrest has been completely papered over and whitewashed.
But yeah, so that is the grand total of the Durham investigation where it was.
Or is it?
Exactly.
Exactly.
So, um, he, one guy, uh, pleading guilty and getting no jail time, two guys getting acquitted of crimes.
And now we just have a bunch of Republicans on TV and social media screaming, Oh my God, this Durham report is so explosive.
Oh, you have no idea the corruption, the allegations, the, the, all of it.
This is such a smoking gun.
And then it's like, so, so who, who's getting arrested now, buddy?
Oh, I'm not gonna get it.
I'll let other... No, no, no, no.
You're the one who said it was a smoking gun.
Tell me.
Tell me, buddy.
Like, I saw Dan Crenshaw posting about, if this isn't a lock-em-up moment, I don't know what is.
And Tommy Tupperville was on TV.
Tommy Tupperville had the greatest quote about this whole thing, where he was like, man, this German investigation reveals so much corruption going on in these elections.
I don't even know if we should have elections anymore.
And it's like, ooh, uh, say the quiet part loud there, buddy.
Yeah.
We're just going to get Trump into office again and then no more elections.
Just president for life Trump.
Cause, uh, yeah, we, we, we're, we know our electoral, uh, our electoral future is grim to say the very least nationally as the Republican party.
So, uh, we're kind of hoping to catch lightning in the bottle one more time and then we're going to, uh, Declare game over to the American Republic and just have our strongman leader in office for the, I don't know, two and a half years Trump would have left before he drops dead.
Not the peak alpha male, no matter how many photoshops of his head on Rocky's body these people make of him.
Don't tease me.
Don't give me hope.
Trump's just dropping dead tomorrow.
Oh my god.
It would solve so many problems.
Let's be real.
And then we can point at his corpse and say, first arrest.
That's it.
That's the one.
That's not an arrest.
Sir, he's dead.
He's dead.
That's not arresting.
Well, it was cardiac arrest.
The first cardiac arrest.
Here we go.
Boom.
See, I set him up.
You knock him down.
Yep.
That's how you bake.
That's how QAnon does this shit.
It's just this endless mental gymnastics to justify everything.
So one thing that's making its way around the QAnon universe is, so there was a time, there was a period of time where people were like, hey, Michael Flynn's being railroaded by the justice system.
What's going on here?
This is bullshit.
Come on Q, like start pulling some strings.
Help our boy Flynn out.
And Q replied to these people by saying, quote, done in 30.
And then one thing led to another, and Q was like, look, now Flynn's safe and protected, just like I told you he would.
It all worked out.
So a long, long time ago, Q made a Q drop that was literally just the word Durham followed by Q. That Q drop was posted 30 months ago.
So now people have grabbed that and the done in 30.
They're like, Q said Durham.
30 months later, the Durham Report comes out, just as the prophecy foretold.
Boom.
Patriots in control.
We have it all.
We're winning.
This is all happening.
He lost and failed on exactly the same date that Q predicted he would lose and fail.
Totally.
We are crushing it.
Yeah, it's that.
It's just this thing where You will never admit that the Prophet failed to have prophecy be fulfilled.
You will work tirelessly to fulfill the prophecy.
You will make the Prophet right, no matter how dumb it makes you look.
Because you have to do it.
Because if the Prophet was wrong, this whole thing falls to shit.
I mean, so that's...
That's just what makes this so sad, a sunk cost fallacy, that these people are trapped in this shit.
One of my wallpapers that I love posting on Twitter was Joe M. being like, if Trump lost, then Q had failed.
Since that is impossible, Trump did not lose.
And it's just like...
The only good thing I'll say about Joe M was he kind of stuck to his guns there.
He made a couple posts after Biden got sworn in and then he dipped out.
It actually broke him.
He actually had a hard deadline.
He's like, Biden can't be president or it's all fucked.
And then Biden can't be president.
He's like, it's all fucked.
Boom.
I'm out.
Done.
We lost.
And it's like, man, I wish more of QAnon would take that tact where reality just punches them in the face over and over again.
And they're just like, nope, just going to keep taking more hits.
Just not going to acknowledge what reality is begging me to understand, which is that I am wrong.
The person posting this shit was not a time traveling super spy.
There's nothing to it.
Like when Tom Holland is wailing on Willem Dafoe's Great Goblin and he's just cackling at him.
Yeah.
That involves time travel too now, which is annoying, but yes.
Look, everybody knows that time travel is the easiest, best, and cleanest thing to write in fiction, so why not everybody try their hand at it, you know?
It always makes sense.
Yeah, yes.
Let's just see how possible it is for us to make this make any sense.
No, actually we'll not.
But the good news is that in reality world, Durham is done.
Jim Jordan did say, I would like to have Durham testify before Congress.
Great, do that.
It'd be just great.
Just have Durham get red in the face and be all piss baby for the cameras for like 90 minutes and then we can all go home.
Give all the Q fans another excuse to photoshop the Punisher logo over them or whatever.
There was a guy who, like, basically had a fleeting resemblance to Durham.
Yeah, we talked about him.
The guy with the YouTube channel where he gets like 10,000 views just posting shit where he's like, hey, I'm John Durham.
Deep State's going down.
Hope you have a good one, amigos.
Stay frosty.
And everyone's like, oh, it's happening.
And it's just like, he's not John Durham.
It's not him.
It's a dude.
It's a fucking like 55, 60 year old dude of a goatee who just looks vaguely like Durham who went for it.
And you idiots are buying it.
God damn it.
Why is it this easy to grift?
Why do I have morals?
What the fuck?
That's so stupid.
But yeah, so it's over.
Now the Durham Watch has ended and now we can all move on with our lives as QAnon looks for their next disposable hero.
And then hopefully at that point, by that point, they'll be in 2024 and they'll be very happy that Trump won Iowa.
They'll be like, yeah, now we're in the campaign season.
Ignore the polls that say he's going to lose in a landslide to Biden.
Woo!
Well, I don't know if you've heard, but according to him, every poll he's seen has him winning at a landslide, like 78% or something like that.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
Oh, he's crushing it.
It's so juicy.
Yeah.
Get ready to get rolled, Joe Biden.
This time will be different.
Yes!
It's not different at all, is it, Steve?
No.
Speaking of not different at all, it wouldn't be a week of this fucking show with me and my fucking cohorts where we didn't have to talk about fucking Elon Musk.
So here we go.
Mike Rades, scintillate us with what Elon did this week, because I genuinely don't know.
Okay, so Elon opened up the week by generating a massive fissure in his QAnon fanbase because he declared the new CEO of Twitter would be a woman whose name I will not remember and don't care about, but the big problem of this lady is that she is a member of the World Economic Forum and has also said some stuff about, you know, Masks, good.
Vaccine, acceptable.
And oh no, did Elon's audience go, whoa, wait a minute Elon, buddy, bro, amigo, what are we doing here?
Like, this lady, no.
Hard pass.
This is unacceptable.
She's in favor of these things, and her social media platforms indicate that she's a pretty right-wing nut herself, but the fact that she had a toe dipped into reality when it came to COVID, like handling ways to mitigate COVID, and that she's been a part of the World Economic Forum, which is just literally rich people hanging out and talking about like stewarding the world, Yeah.
your richness and being like, Hey, we're all rich.
Everything's going great. So, um, maybe we should do some things. Yeah. But because Alex Jones has made the
world economic forum, the new boogeyman of the right, uh, anyone associated with them unacceptable.
So there was a plenty Nash, Nash of teeth of, and rending of garments and QAnon over
this whole thing where they were like, no, this is unacceptable. This is bad.
And people were like, hey, trust Elon, bro.
Trust Elon.
Elon's got this.
White Hat's in control.
We're all good.
Smooth sailing.
Yes.
Now, was Elon engaging with him on Twitter?
Was it like Cat Turd adding him and being like, this is a mistake, and him just being like, don't worry, bro, I got this.
I got this, bro.
Actually, that's the funny thing, is that Elon really didn't have a lot of social media engagement on this issue, because I really feel like Elon was just so taken aback by what was happening, he didn't understand.
Why are they yelling at me?
I am their hero.
I am good and acceptable.
And this is not... How can you possibly distrust my CEO?
So he didn't engage on that front.
The fronts he did engage on were the fronts of being a very weird, creepy asshole where he had an argument with someone about George Soros and Basically, at some point, compared him to Magneto and then stated that George Soros is bad and wants to destroy humanity, which is a really weird thing to say and leans heavily into the anti-Semitic trope that Jews want to tear down civilization.
So it was just like, uh, Elon, do you know anything about anything?
Or were you just told to hate George Soros because that's what your dumb audience wants and you parrot them?
And that appears to be the latter because, um, Elon's other big move besides his, uh, again, posting a bunch of really racist mask off shit on Twitter was he was interviewed by, uh, he was interviewed and in this interview, He again was asked about, you know, why don't you like Soros and his
response was just mumble jumble and you could just sort of tell the gears were churning in his head to be like Soros is bad because the people on the internet said he's bad and bad yes.
Someone also pointed out to Elon that Magneto is a holocaust survivor and a victim of extreme persecution and Every single person in the world who has a brain in their head was like, Elon, you shouldn't engage with that comment.
Like, you just shouldn't.
That is a bad thing to engage with.
And Elon was like, nope!
Like, get the chicken, put it between, on either side of this, because I am doubling down, and everyone's just like, what the fuck are you doing?
Like, there was, like, oh my god.
But, yeah, buddy, pal, like, this, this is a, this is a loser.
This is an absolute loser, and you need to stop.
You need to stop yesterday, but he can't help himself, and... Well, no, Elon absolutely, he, he loves just getting in there and mixing it up.
He thinks he's a real subversive guy.
The only thing he's really subverting is Tesla's stock price.
It is horrifying to think that you're going to invest in that company where the board can't stop Elon from doing this shit.
And Elon, even in this interview that I keep bringing up, At one point they were like, yo Elon, you own Tesla, you run Twitter, this might not be a great look for your corporate point of view.
And Elon was just like, if I lose money, I don't care.
I'm going to speak my truth.
And that's just the way it is.
And if I'm a stockholder in Tesla, I'm like, yeah, that's a good, great Elon.
Great, great, because I need you to speak your truth so that I can lose money.
That's what I got into Tesla for, was for you to do this dumb shit.
I bought into Tesla because I thought you were a super genius who was going to create electric self-driving cars.
I did not think that you were going to be Nazi-adjacent on social media While your cars are running people over because they can't, they can't notice kids in the street.
And you don't seem to be very focused on fixing the whole run children over problem in your cars.
You seem way more focused on the woke mind virus and being mad online and making cat turd happy.
This is not the way a successfully run company operates.
So please, I don't know, touch grass.
It's like, nope, never.
I will never touch grass.
You will never get me off the internet.
Well, we'll see how much, like...
This lady actually accomplishes because, I mean, Elon's Tesla stock went up two percentage points immediately after he announced that he was finally stepping down as C.I.A.
C.I.A?
C.E.O.
Those poor fools thinking there was a moment of lucidity involved here.
Um, but then the other final thing that I remember from the interview that was super important was the interviewer was just like, yo, Elon, so about that Texas shooter being a neo-Nazi, still on the fence about that?
And Elon was like, yes, very much on the fence about that.
Bellingcat is like CIA propaganda that does psyops.
So I'm just not sold on this whole thing.
And.
The whole issue about this, the quote-unquote conspiracy theory, is that Elon just thinks that no one could have found out about the Russian social media platform that this guy was posting his white nationalist neo-Nazi shit on.
And if you look online, it is a massive social media platform that is used by hundreds of millions of people.
It is not some weird niche thing that could have only been uncovered by the Deep State giving a tip to a reporter being like, yo, check out this really small website, and it totally doesn't have all of our incriminating evidence that we've pre-planted on the shooter on it.
Muahahaha!
Someone actually did a little deep dive and they found that the shooter posted a bunch of stuff to the lead singer of Trapped because the lead singer of Trapped is a nut.
Wow, I forgot about that.
Well, first of all, it's very easy to forget about Trapped.
They had one song that was kind of popular like 20 years ago.
But in addition to that, I forgot that like a handful of years ago I had heard that the lead singer of Trapped is bananas.
There was a running subplot in the QAnon world between the lead singer of Trapped and QAnon promoters, and eventually he went on Matrix's podcast with Matrix and Spooky Groove, and they kind of tried to bury the hatchet.
QAnon promoters are the saddest starfuckers in the world, and the lead singer of Trapped is a big get for them!
It's like, oh my god.
Well, yeah, man, he was crawling through the dark looking for answers.
I think that was their song.
I think that was the Trapped song.
I didn't look that up, so if I nailed it, that's why.
And if I didn't nail it, that's also why.
Yes.
Yeah, so...
He when he posted this stuff to the lead singer of Trapped, he linked to the Russian social media platform, like, hey, this is where my stuff is at.
So he had posted this information being there previously.
So it's not like it was impossible for a journalist or anyone.
To have tracked down this guy's social media platforms that were just not Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and American stuff.
Wherein he straight up says, I was radicalized by, among others, libs of TikTok.
And oh boy, she distanced herself from that so quick.
She was just like, oh, wow, I don't want that heat.
Nope.
None of that smoke for me, please.
I'll just go back to terrorizing children's hospitals, because that's where... Well, despite her protest, that didn't stop everybody from hounding her completely and fucking her whole life up, like a lot of the people that influenced the Columbine shooters and stuff, right?
Remember back in the day when everybody was like, let's boycott all of these artists because these dickheads happen to enjoy their artwork?
It's like, no, don't do that.
Man, as the years have gone on, it has very much come out that those guys were the bullies, not the victims.
Yeah, they were not the poor put-upon oppressed masses, those guys.
They were actually just shitheads.
Much as that mass shooter was a shithead.
And Elon continues to be a shithead running cover for neo-Nazis by being like, Mysterious motives of the guy with the swastika and SS tattoos who talked about harassing one of his teachers by doing Heil Hitler and other stuff to her.
Swastika?
It's going to be a maze.
Yeah, those are just the foundational walls of the maze that I was going to put all across my chest.
That joke is from the TV show Community.
I did not write that joke.
That is a reference, but I don't want anybody thinking I'm taking credit for that joke.
That's from a very funny episode of Community.
Yeah, man, Elon, he just can't stop.
He can't help himself.
It's like pathological.
He's probably got like something actually, you know, going on that if he Like, didn't have too much pride to, like, go see a therapist or whatever, with his abundance of cash, to just be like, could you, like, diagnose what's wrong with me?
Because I can't stop fucking over, uh, like, I can't stop just, like, fumbling the bag.
He's just like, ah, I'm on top of the world.
What should I do now?
Let's just start pissing that away pretty quickly.
If I could do that, that'd be great.
Nice, nice, nice.
Yeah, just- Including but not limited to, like, starting to, like, loosely to less than loosely align himself with people that are just, like, Nazis.
Maybe they're not so bad, you know?
Yeah.
And Elon's other big moment of just covering himself in massive glory was we had an election in Turkey this week and a day before the election, the Turkish government was like, yo, Elon, please censor social media posts boosting my opponent because he is a dangerous radical that threatens the Turkish government.
And Elon was like, you got it, boss!
And just pulled the plug on that shit.
And when people were like, yo, Elon, Mr. Free Speech Absolutionist, what the fuck?
Why did you just bend the knee to a dictator right before that guy was, like, facing, like, his first, like, serious challenge in an election in forever?
And Elon was like, bro, what do you want me to do?
It was either that or not have Twitter in Turkey.
I got to make the money somehow, bro.
And it was just like, so free speech is good for letting neo-Nazis back on your platform, dunking on libs.
Yeah, because those people will buy blue check marks.
Yes, Mike.
Hi, I'm Elon Musk.
And yes, those people are good for Twitter.
They will pay me to use it.
Yeah, I completely forgot.
Man, that $8 is totally going to cover up all the losses and everywhere else.
But that's the beauty of my platform, because again, I'm Elon Musk.
The beauty of the platform is that by allowing the neo-Nazis onto the platform, they will start paying, and then they will also start generating additional neo-Nazis who will pay.
So, in that sense, it's going to be a rough start because you have to wait for the seed to grow.
But at some point, I will have just so many neo-Nazis paying me $8 a month.
So, what a great... I just love the idea of Twitter just being a pyramid scheme for neo-Nazis.
Yeah, well, the goal is to run up that $44 billion to $88 billion, am I right, Boo?
I saw a button on that joke.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So this and just the idea that this is the free speech move.
What's funny is that this happened previously where Irigin and the Turkish regime's told Twitter, hey, cut the shit or we're going to pull the plug on you.
And Twitter under evil Jack, that free speech stifling bastard, told Turkey to fuck off.
And then Turkey pulled the plug on Twitter for like two days.
And then they gave up.
Their bluff was called and they reinstated Twitter.
But Elon, oh no, Elon licks the boot of the dictator snap quick.
And when called out on it, it was like, hey, I had to do it.
Just the price of doing business in the world.
There's no way not to do this.
No, my hands were tied.
The dictator told me to do a thing in his country and I acquiesced because that's what you do when you truly, deeply care about free speech.
You just give in to fascists as quickly as humanly possible.
You're getting it.
Yes.
You're kind of coming around.
Yeah, finally, finally my eyes are opening.
The good news is that Irigin did not win the election outright, and him and his opponent are going to a runoff election on the 28th.
So it is possible that even with Elon putting his thumb on the scale and trying to fuck this shit, it didn't work.
And here's to hoping that Team Democracy in Turkey wins out in the end.
We shall see.
But yeah, that was a real nice, just, I don't know, a wonderful example of principles and taking a stand for what you believe in and all that good stuff where, oh, no, oh, it was the opposite.
It was massive hypocrisy.
It's like, look, buddy, look, look, buddy, I owe like fucking a billion and a half on interest every six months and I gotta, I gotta keep the money flowing in any way I can.
Yeah.
Daddy's got real money problems here, and it turns out... Again, only until those neo-Nazis bear fruit.
They're coming.
Yes!
Any day now!
Oh, come on, team.
Man, when that all happens, boy, it's gonna be so sad when Gab goes out of business.
Oh, no.
Poor Torba.
I just, I just, I can't imagine what that guy was going through when Elon bought Twitter, and then was like, yo, Nazis, come to Twitter!
The guy who owned Gab had to be like, fuck, no!
That was my whole point for existing, was I was a safe space for Nazis.
Now Nazis get to go to the cool site, get checkmarks, boo!
For $8 a month, though.
Yes.
That's what Gab should do.
Start charging for that check, you know.
Gab charges $5 a month for the check, so Gab's getting a discount.
$5?
They're giving it away!
That's not exclusive.
Dude, jack it up to $12.
Yes.
They need some extra premium.
Call it double racism premium.
Yeah, they just need to go in that Grey Goose thing and just jack the price up on their bottles and just call it a premium beverage.
But it was the same beverage you were charging, like, 25% of.
Yeah, now it's a premium beverage.
What of it?
Yeah, if you can't afford our premium beverage, then we don't want you as a customer.
Yeah, I mean, that's why the stupid Kanye shoes were so much.
They were a premium shoe.
Now they're not a premium shoe.
For customers who don't want to pay the price for the Xbox Series X, we have a console for them.
It's called the Xbox 360 or whatever.
I can't remember the exact quote.
Yeah, that was a hilarious gaffe on that guy's part.
But if I didn't have it, I shouldn't have tried.
Let's move away from this gaffe of mine and finally transition our way into our mailbag for the week.
Our listeners got questions.
We got answers.
It's time for Q and A.
Pancake Peasant asks, what's your prediction for the next up and coming conspiracy that QAnon will absorb?
Oh, an existing one that they're going to get up in, huh?
God, what did they just grab onto?
They just grabbed onto something recently.
Well yeah, but even if they have that, you can't use that one.
It's already happened.
That would be cheating.
That would be like saying JFK Jr.
is alive.
That would be like saying something crazy like that that they already sort of believe in, or at least some of them do.
I'm going to go with sports.
I'm going to go with them going hard into sports, being rigged, because they're going to see that as another, like, normie lure to pull people into QAnon.
Because you got to start people off on shit that is at least something they can kind of buy into, where it's like, hey, Is this climate change really going on?
Or is this just a way for them to try to shut down our coal plant that keep us poor?
Or like, hey, that that creepy pedo is bad.
We should like, you know, protect kids and stuff, right?
And then you start on that level.
And then by the end of the year, the person wants Tom Hanks to go to jail because he's part of the Illuminati.
That's how you lure them down the path.
So I feel like we've had a couple of quote-unquote scripts that we've leaked on the internet of the Super Bowl being rigged and Logan Paul's last boxing match where there was a script his opponent was going to get his eye swollen shut, which boy howdy, that's a commitment to character to willingly get punched in the eye until it swells shut.
as part of a script. But, um, yes. Oh yeah. They got, what's his name? Tom Savini. Yeah.
They're like, it's just behind the scenes working on Logan Paul's face.
They just turned him into sloth. It's great. But, uh, I just think that that's going to be kind of
their new thing where they, this NFL season, they're going to be like, Hey, look at, look at
What, why, why did, was this flag not thrown?
What was going on here?
Something's fishy.
And then they're going to get into online sports betting, being a scam by the deep state.
And they're just going to try to pill people through quote unquote, sports being rigged.
I think that's a fertile ground for them.
They're going to be real bummed out when they find out that Patriots are not, in fact, in control.
They're going to be okay with the fact that Chiefs are in control, because that's at least a mildly racist name.
But then they're going to find out that Patrick Mahomes is not white, which is going to hurt them a bit.
So they're going to be very upset about that.
He's white passing.
He puts ketchup on steak.
That's like the ultimate camouflage.
It's like, oh God, the caucasity of that maneuver.
His younger brother commits crimes.
Yeah, his younger brother is like his portrait of Dorian crimes.
His younger brother seems to think he can get away with quite a bit here in Kansas City.
And he's right.
Well, unfortunately for him, no, he's not.
He finally stepped up and did the big boy crimes now?
He, um, recently, I guess this could have been, this is our new amuse-bouche section where we talk about Patrick Mahon's brother.
Uh, he grabbed a woman bartender and forcibly kissed her all on camera.
And now he's being charged with sexual assault.
So, uh, great job, moron.
Yeah.
Was he smart enough to pull out his laminated card that shows the age of consent laws in every state in America?
Because that could have... It is laminated.
My brother rookie card.
Yes!
He's like, look at my documents!
I can do what I want!
It's like a license to kill over here!
Actually, no.
Only Patrick has the license to kill.
His family member is not so much.
Aw, come on!
Yeah, that license is non-transferable.
Yes.
Patrick Mahomes could probably do whatever the fuck he wanted in Kansas City.
Oh, yeah.
He could walk into the middle of downtown and shoot someone dead.
And, uh, they would be like... And passers-by would be like, damn, so accurate.
Yeah!
They'd be like, are you gonna win another Super Bowl?
Yeah, probably.
Okay.
Yeah, great.
Hey man, we just have to put up with the fact that that's your pilot for the new TV series.
The best quarterback in the NFL is also a serial killer.
It's like Dexter meets Ballers.
It's going to be great.
We're going to fucking smash that shit together.
Did Sarge ever answer the conspiracy question?
I can't remember.
No, I can't think of anything.
Let's just say aliens, but harder.
They're going to get into the alien racket more aggressively.
Not necessarily aliens, but you know, UAEs.
They're going to be all about those unexplained aerial phenomenons and stuff.
Or UAPs, I guess, right?
Whatever the stupid new term for UFO is.
They're going to be all about that life.
I don't know, man.
It could be any number of... Is this from the Ukraine?
Just whatever country they don't like, despite the fact that it seems impossible that it could be from there.
That's really funny because Ron Watkins, right before he became a Dominion voting machine expert, was going to do UFO leaks or alien leaks.
I forget what it was.
It was going to be like a WikiLeaks for that stuff.
And then he forgot all about it immediately because he got on TV talking about the Dominion voting machine manual he read.
And he was like, oh my god, this is all I need to do to get on TV?
Fuck UFOs!
He's like, wow, I don't have to fight Tom DeLonge for the very limited space of, like, fucking anybody who gives a shit about UFOs?
Yeah.
How is he... he must have been really careful with what he was saying about Dominion voting machines.
Well, he got the letter, he got the C&D letter, so apparently he clammed up after the opening salvo.
And also probably Dominion thought that, like, he doesn't actually have half, he doesn't have a billion dollars standing, so fuck him.
Unlike Mike Lindell, Newsmax, OAN, and Fox News, who actually do have the pockets that are deep enough for Dominion to sink their hooks into.
Not unless Mike Lindell decides to give us all of his money, then they can take it from him.
Yeah.
Michael Dell.
Wouldn't you feel better if you gave away your money versus having it taken from you by a corrupt government?
Yes.
Agreed.
Did I ever tell you guys about how my partner's mother... Yes.
Yeah, the MyPillow story.
Yeah, we heard it.
Yeah, she had a MyPillow.
She was so traumatized.
She was, like, scared.
Like, oh no!
My woke family might be offended by my America first pillow.
I know you guys are real political and it's like I'm fairly certain you bought that a million years ago and also like it's already paid for.
I don't care.
You shouldn't give that man any more money.
Uh, yeah, I mean, you know, and sometimes you just, sometimes you just get judged.
Like, what are you gonna do?
It's like, whenever, whenever I used to, like, I don't really have any collectibles displayed now, but a lot of the times that I was, like, displaying collectibles, whenever I would invite new people over to the house, I'd just be like, oh!
Like, they're going to have to judge me on this.
Because it's just like, unless it's something that they're intimately already like really comfortable with, like they have a very similar collection of themselves, this will just be like a new environment for them.
They'll have to look at their things and make their calls.
So if I walk into your place and I see a MyPillow, yeah, you're gonna get a little judgment for that.
But that's just the case with a lot of weird stuff.
Like if you just had like a, like a dragon dildo like out on display too, I think that was pretty bizarre as well.
Yeah, on display.
You just have a shelf full of Funko Pops and people are like, Oh, the Funko Pop thing.
Okay.
Yeah.
Wow.
You have too much money.
You have too much money.
Anyway, yeah, so aliens.
That's my call.
Yep.
So, sports, aliens, and Sarge has nothing for us.
So, great job.
Great job.
I just, like, they just glom onto anything so fast.
They're already into, like, they're... I think they'll just go hard flat Earth.
Like, they're one day away from being flat Earthers.
Q said the Earth is round, and that actually started an argument.
It was great.
So, I was... With that stick?
Uh, yeah.
So basically someone was just like, yo, Q, fucking shut these people up.
Save the Earth's round.
And Q's like, yeah, the Earth's round.
And there were some people who were like, no, why did Q do that?
Oh, he's hurting the movement.
He's sowing dissension.
It's a psy-op.
Yes.
DeportGamers asks, do you think there is a quote unquote, shy DeSantis supporter phenomenon, especially amongst former Trump voters?
I think it would be interesting to like have that situation because the Trump voter is so say it with your chest loud and proud MAGA lunatic online that I do think that like there is the possibility of someone who is tired of Trump that doesn't want to argue the point that would just like go into the ballot ballot box vote DeSantis and slink away into the night and be done with it.
But I just don't know that there's enough of them.
And boy, DeSantis is not ready for primetimeness, has been just showing up over and over and over again.
Like every video of the man, he is just so not a human being.
It's terrifying.
His like, just his body language, his mannerisms, the way he interacts with people.
There was like an article about how his handlers are telling him like better eye contact.
They're like giving him like room reading 101 cues.
And it's like, really?
This is the guy that's going to run for president and you're like, he's got to learn eye contact?
How the fuck did he become governor of Florida?
It was just having an R next to your name make you win that race.
Is that what he skated by on?
Cause holy shit.
If, if he is this bad at politics, I mean, man alive.
This campaign of his is so weird because I've actually seen a couple ads for DeSantis for president in my neck of the woods.
And I am, I'm in that area where I'm like north enough in Massachusetts where the New Hampshire market bleeds into me.
So I get New Hampshire ads and he hasn't even declared for president yet.
And yet I have PAX being like, Ron DeSantis never backs down.
He's the president we need.
DeSantis 2024.
And I'm like, who?
Do you not wait until the man says he's doing this before you post these ads?
Like, what is going on here?
Who the fuck authorized this?
They're trying to subtly pressure him.
They're like, Ron, we already booked the ad time.
You got to do it.
You got to do it, bro.
You got to get in the race.
And he's like, but I'm bad at politics and Trump makes me cry.
They're like, bro, we already put $10 million in New Hampshire.
You got to do this.
Personally, I just think that the former Trump supporters are just too cowardly at their core to do anything that might give them the tongue lashing from Daddy.
And you know that if DeSantis won an election, Trump would be on Truth just being like, fuck everybody who voted for Ron DeSantis, meatball Ron, fuck him, he's terrible, I'm great, you're all betrayers, and I hate your guts, and if you voted for him, then you're the worst, and I disavow you, and you suck, all caps.
I just don't understand how anyone would want to vote for Ron DeSantis with, like, he... I mean, Trump couldn't make a good headline either.
For the same reason that people want to be in Florida, you know?
Everybody with access to the internet can see what Florida is about.
People still go there, you know?
Yeah.
People are still like, I want to permanently relocate here.
Yeah.
Trump even made the comment where he's like, Florida is like easy mode.
You have no state taxes, sun, all this beautiful shit.
Anyone can governor there, you lazy sack of slime.
It's just like, leave me alone.
Stop hitting me.
I'm a big baby.
My head is bobbling.
I'm bobbling it.
It's bobbling.
Look at my head bobble.
I have no idea what you're asking me.
Head bobble.
My mouth is freakishly large when I open it up, and I just look not like a normal human being.
Mike, that's pretty aggressively body shaming there, bud.
It is.
Fuck him.
Mike DeSantis is literally passing a law that says no one can talk about where I'm traveling and with whom.
Just desperately trying to become the fascist dictator of Florida, which is... Well, yeah, that'll make it a lot easier for him and people like Matt Gaetz to traffic girls.
You know what I mean?
Yes!
You're legally not allowed to ask me where I've been or who I was with.
The Matt Gaetz flying out of state law that I have signed into law.
Be Governor DeSantis who all of QAnon loves because this isn't a law that child traffickers could possibly use.
No.
No way, shape, or form.
Everything about this is good and wholesome.
I am a good person.
Vote for me.
DeSantis 2024.
Do not say gay!
Do not say it!
Jesus.
I mean, the whole electorate of Florida has to be like, Disney spends a lot of money in this state.
If, like, the governor runs them out.
Like, they've already said, we're just going to stop spending money in this state.
And you're going to watch so many programs that he's already gutting dry up.
I would love nothing more than for, like, Ultron to show up and just lift all of Disney World just out of Florida and just deposit it in any other state and then just watch Florida turn into, like, a desiccated husk.
Like, it would turn into, like, Escape from New York overnight.
Yeah.
Oh, if they, if, if, oh, do you mean if Voltron came and picked all of Disneyland up?
Yeah, it just scooped all of it, it just, just, just scooped all of it right up.
It just plopped it to any place, any old, any old other place.
Like, who wants a Disney World?
We got one.
God.
Yeah, I mean...
Like, if Disney could feasibly do that, I guarantee they would start shopping around just like one state over.
Those are all like Republican hellholes too, but I bet they'll like, hey, we want a new Reedy Creek District.
Georgia would be like, do you?
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, alright.
Yeah, we can make that happen.
Yeah, you can name that district whatever the fuck you want.
You can even change the name.
It could be Fuck DeSantis Boulevard.
You bring how much in tourism money to the area you're in?
Alright.
Yeah.
Yep.
Yep.
Sold.
Sold yesterday.
Yeah.
I just, it is, it blows my mind that everyone just, we have this belief in America that Republicans are just very good at politics and Democrats are very bad at politics.
And that's just, just a hard and fast rule in political discourse.
And yet in 2024, the two Republican nominee, the two guys running for the presidency are, The omni-indicted lunatic who's on Truth Social bragging about ending abortion in America.
And his opponent, the not-even-human idiot who is, like, talking about how the guy that murdered that guy on the subway in New York is a hero, and we should all celebrate subway murderers, because that is a right and good thing.
And now I'm going to laugh like a normal human being.
Ah ha ha ha!
There, a hearty laugh from me, normal guy, who is maintaining eye contact with you.
It's like, this is the savvy, ultimately good political party in America.
These are the guys who get this shit.
It's just like, no, they don't.
They're very bad.
And that this is their standard bearers should be a giant warning sign to everybody.
But no, all our political discourse is, the guy that won the election in a landslide electorally and popular vote-wise, I don't know if he should run for re-election because he's three years older than Trump.
It's like, he's also in way better shape and way better mental health than Trump.
He's, like, just... Joe Biden is a fucking Adonis compared to Trump, and you're trying to tell me he's the one that should maybe step aside, whereas Donnie Two-Scoops, get in there!
Run again!
Yeah, COVID almost killed, uh, the orange Don, and, like, has Biden had COVID?
Yeah, he did.
He had a little touch of it like a year ago.
And he posted some photos of him hanging out with his dog while he was quarantined.
And then he was good.
But look, if they're proposing some sort of Logan's Run style situation with our politicians in this country, then like, I'm all ears.
Like, let's start talking a number.
Yes.
Are we talking 70?
Are we talking 65?
The woman who goes home is 50?
It's constantly real new blood.
Yeah.
Let's go.
Hey.
Sign me up.
I will take our young Democrats versus the young Republicans.
Because on our side, we have AOC and Maxwell Frost.
And on your side, you have Matt Gaetz.
So yeah, the Team Democrat looking strong on this front.
Yeah, I mean, it turns out that it like the, you know, Democrats actual weakness is that a lot of them are just like the ones that run are just fucking boring.
Like, yeah, well now and yeah, now we have Feinstein and who I was never missing.
It's like, I, well, we got to weaken Bernice and her for the year and a half or so.
We need laughs because she's gone.
She'll be gone soon enough, but yeah, it's a bad, it's a bad scene, but guess what?
Republicans are going to fuck us on that front no matter what.
Cause we were like, Hey, we're replacing her from the committee.
They're like, no, you're not.
It's like, great.
It's like, you are the elder abusers, you fucks, so.
Yeah, it's... Hey, whatever.
It is what it is.
We didn't make all these fucking politicians mad old.
No.
They want to play?
Let's play.
Get the theater rigging up.
We're going to have to prop up the bones of Feinstein for like two years.
And then after that, we'll retire to the wings.
That was like a QAnon thing where they were like, we finally got them to admit Ruth Bader Ginsburg was dead.
They thought she was dead for years.
That was Donald Trump's big win.
The Patriots made the deep state admit the truth.
It's like, well, guess what?
Feinstein's been dead for six months already, and you still haven't found out yet!
Mwahaha!
We win!
The Dean State always wins!
I love the idea that any of us would be shocked that a bunch of the politicians that we, you know, have in office are fucking, like, mad old.
It's like, no, that's not a big surprise.
I feel like young people have hated that forever.
I feel like every generation's young people are just like, why are all these old fucks making all my decisions for me?
They're so old!
Nothing new under the sun.
Anyway, let's move on.
Yes, Cleodora Silvestri, the Hellworld Grand Inquisitor, asks, imagine you could be the mayor of any city for one day in which you can create a single law of your choice, no matter how insane.
Where do you set up and what law do you create?
Atlantis.
I'm mayor forever.
Like, my boring answer is local, and it's Kansas City, and the police have to be under the control of the city again, because they're not in Kansas City.
Back from our old mob days.
And then, yeah, my fun answer.
Tokyo and hmm just have like a declaring annual me parade.
There's just a Sarge parade every year.
Tokyo.
The Sarge Festival?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then they have to fly me out every year for the festival.
Sarge just wants a free trip to Tokyo every year.
Boom.
One step ahead.
You're definitely more selfish than I. My answer would be Miami, and I would have some sort of omni-fund for abortions and gender-affirming care, and it cannot be rescinded.
So, boom.
Take that to Sanchez.
I'm turning Miami into a bizarre, woke paradise that you can't stop in any way, shape, or form.
And neither can Donnie Two Scoops.
Actually, whatever area Mar-a-Lago in, that's where I'm doing it.
I'm doing it right out in front of Donnie's little golf course slash mausoleum that he lives in.
And I'm gonna have this just giant abortion clinic built right across the street from him.
So, that'll be my little thumb in the eye of those dirtbags.
So that, I think, brings us to our question enumerate for the podcast, which is what are you guys looking forward to?
This is a tough one.
I don't have anything like, I have a bunch of little good stuff coming down the pipeline, but nothing too incredible.
Oh, I guess in a couple of weeks I'm going to be meeting some friends for a nice dinner at my favorite local Indian restaurant, which is something that I would be very excited about because I love Indian food.
So I'm going to say that.
I'm excited to get to eat some Indian food.
I love Indian food.
I had my thing that I'm looking forward to happen.
I went and saw They Might Be Giants last night.
We record on Wednesday so I think I can backdate a little.
So I've had these tickets for three years because of reasons and I finally got to see them.
It was a super fun show.
They didn't have an opener.
They just did a double length set.
They played 30 songs.
And it was amazing.
Great show.
That is bang for your buck, sir.
I am looking forward to and also dreading the continuing existence of the Boston Celtics' playoff run.
They managed to escape the mighty Philadelphia 76ers in the second round, which now means they get to face their arch-nemesis, the Miami Heat, in the semifinals.
Vegas has declared this thing to be quote-unquote in the bag, and the Celtics are going to win this thing easy.
Which means when I'm sweating out Game 7 with a game tied with two minutes left, I'm gonna be like, fuck you, Vegas!
Fuck everyone thinking this was gonna be easy.
The Celtics never make it easy on us.
Ever.
They enjoy only agony and pain.
And the real ultra-funny part about all of this is that if they do win this series, there's a very good chance they could face the Lakers and LeBron James in the finals.
for like the ultimate hell for Boston sports because literally for like my entire existence you have to hate the Lakers and ever since LeBron was in the NBA if you're from Boston you have to like any praise you preface any praise you give LeBron James must be prefaced by saying don't get me wrong I hate the guy but and then you explain how he's actually good at basketball so if like No, but anywhere else in America talking about Tom Brady, right?
Fucking hate the guy scum of the earth, but man, he can play some football, right?
But it's just so funny.
It's just to have those two mortal enemies of Boston confronting us in the finals would just be this unbelievable nightmare terror situation.
So I'm pretty sure I know there's a lot of like Tommy from Quincy guys were like, yeah, I want to blink us in the final to take him.
But there's plenty of people who are probably like, Denver, please.
For the love of God, Denver.
Knock these bums out.
I can't handle this.
Like, losing to the Nuggets in the finals would be annoying, but that's life.
But losing to LeBron and the Lakers in the finals would be like the ultimate just punch in the throat.
It'd be super bad.
So, looking forward to slash dreading that.
So that's going to be both a hoot and a holler.
And then when the Celtics are done, That's the end of sports until football season, because regular season baseball, yuck.
Baseball in general, yuck.
So yeah.
Does Boston have a football team?
Boston, we have appropriated the New England Patriots, who support six states in America, but we like to call them our own.
It seems kind of like, I don't know, selfish, but that's the way Boston rolls.
So yes.
Yeah.
Poor death of sports for a couple of months, although I don't give a shit because sports are for losers.
No, that's not true.
Sports are just fine.
I just can't be fucked to care about baseball or basketball.
So throughout that entire duration, I was just sitting there waiting politely for it to be over because who could be bothered to care about fucking basketball?
But on that note, it's time for us to lace up our Air Jordans and totally jump way above the rim thanks to their magical powers and get right the fuck out of Hellworld for the week.
Thank you, dear listener, for supporting the show with your precious ears.
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So get in there and listen to us jabber about all sorts of random shit.
If you have money and you don't want to give it to us, you can do some good with it by donating it to love146.org.
They're an organization whose vision is the end of child trafficking and exploitation.
That has always sounded pretty good to us.
I mean, call us crazy, but that sounds pretty sweet.
Thanks as always to DJ Minimal Effort for use of our intro song.
Still no social media for them, what a legend.
You can find our buddy Frosty, who does all of our voiceover work, however, on Twitter, at FrostyVO.
You can find our show on Twitter, at Hellworld, with a Q instead of an O. You can find myself, at HellworldL, spelled the same way.
You can find Sarge, at SargentHell.
And Mike Raines is, of course, at PokerPolitics.
So, for another successful episode of the Adventures of Hellworld podcast, I have been one of your hosts, The Mysterious L, joined as always by my less mysterious, more enigmatic, and also beautiful, just look at that face.
I know you can't listen to it, you can't see it, dear listener, but it's a beaut, Sarge.
And then, you know, he's got a mug.
He's got a face for radio, you know?
And our expert on all things QAnon crazy, Mr. Mike Rades.