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Dec. 29, 2022 - Adventures in HellwQrld

01:30:05

Adventures In HellwQrld Episode #119: Santos, Musk, Arizona Madness

This week Mike, L, and Haley talk about Lake's latest loss in Arizona, the fake candidate in New York, and the unending Musk Madness. Plus Haley ran into Baby Q and encountered an alien conspiracy theory tourist trap. Get bonus content on PatreonSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/hellwqrld. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Time	Text
	Bye bye.
	Content Warning The Adventures in Hellworld podcast talks in depth about QAnon, which means we have to talk about all kinds of child abuse and violence against people.
	Listener discretion advised.
	Hello, everybody.
	I am Migrans, a.k.a.
	Poker and Politics, and welcome to another episode of Adventures in Hellworld.
	This week, I am joined by Arizona Right Wing Watch, a.k.a.
	Haley.
	Hello.
	I am also joined by the mysterious Elle.
	Hello, my beautiful babies.
	It is the end of the year El, who's about to be reborn into baby New Year El next week.
	Or probably in two weeks, because I ain't going to be here next week.
	Yes, soon I too will be a beautiful baby.
	Yes!
	A fresh new optimistic babe, ready to see Donald Trump's new America again.
	The greatest America.
	Truly the most incredible of Americas.
	He's going to make it again.
	Again!
	MAGA!
	I truly enjoyed that when that became his, that actually became his re-election slogan
	in 2020.
	For a little while, it was, keep America great, and then COVID hit, and then he was like, I'm just going to go back to make America great again.
	But you're the president!
	Are you currently saying after four years of your sustained excellence, we're not already great?
	MAGA, bro.
	Yes, exactly.
	MAGA was just so much more effective than CAG, which was not nearly as awesome.
	Yeah, but then let's say it gets the letter K in the mix, and I feel like they'd probably love that letter.
	If they could just integrate more K's and H's into their blavoir, that'd be great.
	Yes, that is pretty much all they want.
	And, uh, unfortunately for them, they only got one and that didn't work.
	So we're like, we're going to go back to MAGA.
	Cause, uh, that's just, it just rolls right off the tongue.
	It's just fun to say.
	Yeah.
	MAGA.
	Yeah.
	Uh, I. What's every now and then I still see someone wearing that hat.
	They're just like scrambling through the casino and I'm just like, man, that is, that is some diehard stuff.
	Sometimes.
	I see it all the time still.
	Oh no, the stuff I get is mostly anti-Biden stuff.
	It's like, it's like shirts of Biden looking like dazed and then there's a caption like this guy's a moron or something and all kinds of let's go Brandon merchandise and some stuff that just goes the full nine and is actually the fuck Joe Biden stuff.
	You know why?
	It's because we have a bunch of Trump stores here.
	That's probably why.
	Look, I literally just went to one.
	Look at what I just got.
	For those of you in the theater of the mind, Haley is showing us a weird, scrunchy Trump doll thing that is... His eyes pop out.
	He squeezes it.
	Yeah, the eyes pop out of his head.
	It is actually the stuff of nightmares that we are looking at right now.
	I didn't know we were supposed to be describing stuff to our audience.
	I'm sorry.
	Haley is also 30 feet tall.
	I didn't think it mattered, but I guess we're just describing everything we see.
	Yeah, she's 30 feet tall and mostly made of fire.
	Yes.
	She's the Balrog.
	And now to answer the question that people have been arguing about between book vs. movie, Haley has wings.
	So Balrogs actually conniacally have wings.
	Fuck off, everybody.
	Yeah, suck it, nerd.
	It looks cooler that way anyway.
	Shut up.
	Yes.
	Exactly.
	I like how that was Steven Spielberg's answer for the big continuity error with the T-Rex pins that have a 30-foot drop down it.
	They were just like, hey, this doesn't make any sense.
	And he's like, it looks better that way.
	Shut up.
	It's like, you know what?
	He's right.
	Exactly what's cooler, there's a sudden big 30-foot drop out of nowhere.
	It's just like, oh my god!
	The tension!
	A 30-foot drop out of nowhere, like, adds to a scene!
	Yes!
	They should have done that to The Lighthouse.
	Yes!
	Or the whale.
	That would have been a better, more recent poll.
	I was polling from last year.
	They should have done it for the whale.
	And then all of a sudden the whale just finds himself dropping 30 feet.
	Take that, whale!
	You stupid whale!
	How much of these things do you have any idea about what I'm talking about, Mike?
	Have you heard of The Lighthouse or The Whale?
	Vaguely, I've heard of The Lighthouse.
	I have no earthly idea about The Whale.
	I do like that you were still playing along, but you had this glossy-eyed, deer-in-headlights look about you.
	I was like, oh no, I'm in the weeds!
	I'm in the weeds for Mike!
	Uh, do you know of the whale, Hayley?
	Uh, are we talking about the lighthouse from Bioshock?
	No, although that is a much cooler lighthouse.
	We were talking about... I was wondering why you'd mention Bioshock.
	No, the lighthouse was an arthouse-y movie from like two years ago.
	Oh, the Willem Dafoe one?
	That movie's so sick.
	Yeah, Willem Dafoe and the vampire guy who's also Batman.
	Yeah, I love mermaids.
	Whose name I can never remember.
	Um, he's the foot guy.
	His face looks like a foot.
	Robert Pattinson.
	Yeah, there we go.
	Nailed it!
	And then, uh, the whale is part of the ongoing Brendan Fraser's aunts.
	It's his big, like, breakout, like, award-winning movie that's, like, making the rounds now.
	I have not seen any new movies this year, and you just intrigued me.
	Are you telling me that Brendan Fraser is back?
	Oh yeah, Brendan Fraser is now like a beloved returned Hollywood icon.
	I'm gonna die.
	Is that like a great year?
	You should actually just look up the year that he's had on, or pretty much like the whole pandemic.
	Suddenly all of a sudden people were just like, you know what's great?
	Brendan Fraser.
	He's just so wholesome.
	That's wild.
	He got like a six and a half minute long standing ovation or whatever when he went to some award show and he just started crying because he was so touched.
	It was very, it was very heartwarming.
	Oh my god.
	Hey, I'm here for that, so.
	My Georgia the Jungle.
	Yes.
	He'll always be my heroic guy fighting a mummy.
	Screw you, Tom Cruise.
	Oh my god, the mummy was sick.
	I loved that movie as a kid.
	Yeah, the first mummy is still great.
	The first mummy and the first men in black are both movies from sort of that era of filmmaking that are just like still perfectly good and just as fun today as they were back then.
	So there you go, listeners.
	We've fluffed ourselves long enough with some weird classic movie recommendations, I guess.
	Go re-watch Men in Black and The Mummy.
	I would highly recommend The Mummy.
	I liked that when I was a kid.
	I'm gonna re-watch that.
	Dude, The Mummy slaps.
	I didn't like the second one, though, because they had that shitty kid.
	Yeah, I mean, most movie sequels fall off a cliff.
	Yeah.
	They can't all be aliens or Terminator 2.
	No.
	We should do the mummy movie night.
	A mummy movie?
	Oh god, my grades have taken a back!
	He's like, what have you got me into now?
	I'm in for the mummy!
	Anoxetamine!
	I was going to say anoxetamine, I think that's how I discovered what a bisexual was when I was like six.
	I was like, what, why am I feeling these things?
	She's pretty.
	Yeah, I can't remember, but the love interest in that reaffirmed that I'm largely heterosexual.
	And you know what?
	That movie also affirmed for all of us that we love Brendan Fraser.
	That's true.
	I feel like now as an adult, if I went back and watched that movie, now I will be attracted to Brendan Fraser as well.
	At the time, that wasn't my scene.
	I hadn't leveled up enough.
	But now I'm properly leveled up and I can be like, you know what?
	What would for both of them?
	Okay, now let's get into the Amuse Bouche.
	Fair.
	It's time for a light sampling of insanity.
	Get ready for the Amuse Bouche.
	I didn't want to get us out of the fluffing segment of the show too quickly, but Mike, I have the answer for why you keep seeing those red MAGA hats floating around.
	That's because Americans love a loser.
	And nothing says American loser more than Confederate war monuments, some of the last of which are finally being torn down around the country, which is so weird, because they got their asses paddled for treason a long time ago.
	So it seems like we shouldn't have had statues of them up to begin with, but what do I know?
	Anyway, Mike, this is coming up because I guess there's some news related to it.
	So what's going on with our beloved Monuments to Traitors?
	So, West Point, after doing a review, as all of these very slow-moving bureaucracies like to do, decided to start taking down statues and other memorials honoring Confederate generals at West Point's campus.
	Okay, point number one.
	Kind of weird for West Point to have statues or monuments up to the leaders of what at that, like, technically was a foreign army, or what they wanted to be a foreign army, right?
	That should have, like, when they went to do that, somebody should have been like, weren't they, like, the enemy generals of, like, an independent nation that was trying to, like, form?
	Should we put those up here?
	And they were just like, yeah, but dude, they were so white.
	And also, like, we love slavers, right?
	And we're all in agreement with that, right?
	That's what the sculptor was saying?
	Look, they did some bad stuff, but we can all agree, they did own a lot of slaves.
	They're all just nodding their head, just like, oh god, he brings up such a good point, they own so many slaves.
	Yeah, so, and this is the thing, is that I saw this article from Newsmax, some right-wing rag getting upset about this stuff, and I Literally just like threw it into my timeline along with some QAnon folks reacting to it being like, Oh, these woke scum.
	Oh, I can't believe they're doing this.
	So mean, so bad.
	And it was just like one of a million things.
	I'm like, Oh, now I'm going to find something from Jack Postevic.
	Now I'm going to go dunk on Pragmatic.
	Never in a million years did I think that this thing would get so much engagement.
	And I have so many people commenting in my, in my, in my timeline, like this is history.
	Why are you trying to get rid of history?
	What's wrong with you?
	And like, and all this stuff and just people.
	I don't, I don't understand how you can be this upset about this unless you just like openly want to admit that like, yeah, I would, I'm on team Confederacy.
	I was in favor of the people that committed treason in defense of slavery.
	I'm on their team.
	Like any attempt to be like, oh, those is history.
	You're trying to whitewash what happened.
	It's like, no, no.
	The team pro-Confederacy are the whitewashers.
	They're the people that say shit like states rights and all this other stuff and like, it's like, no, like you people did a really bad thing and should not be honored for those bad things.
	I actually had one person post something like, Oh, they just, they were Americans.
	And just, just because they happen to be on the wrong side of things in the future, doesn't mean it's like, no, at the time they knew that slavery was shit.
	It wasn't like it was like some sort of like, like, Hey, maybe in a hundred years, people will think slavery is bad.
	Who's to say?
	Yeah, weirdly, some people cracked that one right away.
	Slavery is bad.
	They were just like, is this slavery thing all right?
	And other people were like, shut up.
	It's making us so much money.
	You shut your mouth.
	Yes.
	How else are we going to build these pyramids?
	You shut it.
	Exactly.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, so it's really wild that so many people still get upset about this and pretend that the reason why they're upset about it isn't because tributes to racists are being taken down.
	My favorite attempted jujitsu on this argument is like, the Democrats are the party of the Confederacy and the KKK, and they're trying to get rid of their evil legacy.
	And also heritage, not hate.
	And the reverse.
	It's like, this is an attempt to get the Democrats to get rid of evidence of their evil slavery-backed history.
	And also, this is my history.
	It's like, well, whose is it?
	Is it the Democrats or is it yours?
	Was it Democrats walking into the White House with Confederate flags on January 6th?
	I don't think it was.
	For some odd reason, it's you guys that are always carrying those flags around.
	But the Democrats, they're the bad guys about slavery and the KKK.
	Why are you waving the flag of slavery and the KKK again?
	Why are you doing that?
	It just makes my head hurt, the contortions and mental gymnastics these people do.
	I was at the Trump store, and there was so much Confederate merch there, and one was a wallet.
	It was a Confederate flag wallet, but it also said, come and take it on it, which I thought was funny for a wallet.
	Steal my money!
	That's a real mixed message.
	I'm assuming that, like, the inflection is supposed to imply a threat.
	They'll go, yeah, you want this?
	Come and take it!
	Because they're also packing.
	It's set.
	But, like, it's text.
	So, I mean, depending on the context, like, maybe if it was, like, in the pocket of somebody with visible firearms, then sure.
	But just laying on the counter of a place?
	It's like the cover of Steal This Book!
	They won't pay for it!
	People will just be like, hey, I'm gonna do it!
	If you get caught walking out of that store with one of those, you should legally be able to defend yourself with, it says, take it on it.
	I was following the directions of the packaging.
	I'm just imagining that store and being like, hey man, we sold out of all those Confederate wallets.
	He's like, what do you mean we've sold out?
	I haven't sold one this week.
	Well, we don't have any more.
	And then instead of getting mad he's just like, well at least a lot of people are gonna get the rebel spirit and we're gonna take our country back and blah blah blah.
	I love Trump so I have a store dedicated to him because that person's probably not some sort of grifty liberal.
	That'd be great.
	That would be great.
	Right after Biden got inaugurated, Fox News had all these stories about these FJB stores opening up, and they were like, business is great.
	I'm like, yeah, how long is that going to last?
	That's like having a story about a birds aren't real store, being like, oh my god, I'm selling so many birds are not real shirts, holy shit.
	Or yeah, like the Flat Earth Emporium.
	Yes!
	You know what I mean?
	It's just like, yeah, a lot of people believe in that shit, but not enough to sustain a business long term.
	No.
	Somehow our Trump store has expanded and now there's three here.
	Yeah, you'd have to bring that shit up to New Hampshire or Maine.
	Yes.
	We had a Trump store near me.
	Like it was like on one of the highways, there was an actual Trump store, but it, uh, it
	went away after like five months.
	Like weirdly, Massachusetts doesn't have enough MAGA QAnon lunatics in it to keep a store
	afloat for more than half a year.
	Yeah.
	You'd have to bring that shit up to New Hampshire or Maine.
	Yes.
	They had a Trump toilet brush.
	And his hair was the scrubby.
	It had to be!
	I would buy that.
	I would absolutely buy that.
	I wanted to.
	There was so much shit I wanted in there.
	There was, like, bandages that said, Make Ouchies Great Again.
	Wait, but wouldn't, like, the peak form of an ouchie be, like, a very bad ouchie?
	That's the opposite of what I let my bandage do.
	I don't think that, like, the final form of an ouchie is it being healed.
	That would be, like, if your Charmander evolved into a Charmeleon, and then it evolved into nothing.
	The final form of an ouchie is an infection.
	Yeah.
	It's just like, oh shit, your Charmeleon is evolving.
	You're sitting there, like, rubbing your hands together, licking your lips, and then it just disapparates, and you're like, what?
	What's going on?
	No!
	I was in a, I was in a, I was in a, like, a supermarket, and I was in the, like, the, I guess it was like the Band-Aid aisle, basically, and they had kids' Band-Aids.
	And I believe that they were all called, like, Courage Badges instead of Band-Aids.
	It's just like that is nice.
	Branding.
	So I was like, Hey, I'm here.
	I'm here for it.
	I'm sure someone out there is very angry at this thing, but I'm not.
	That's very fun.
	That's very interesting.
	It's like if you're getting your shot, so we got to put a little
	courage badge on there to show that you were brave and you took it
	like a champ and now you're not going to get measles because your
	parents aren't morons who want you to get easily prevented diseases.
	Because they've been killed by the horrible and terrible internet.
	So Oh.
	Ugh.
	But yes, the Confederacy, even after 100 years after their crushing loss, still has a very vibrant fanbase that is very upset when you bring up the fact that we should not celebrate their beloved heroes, also known as Losers.
	Is the South still supposed to rise again?
	I can't remember.
	Did it rise again and that was that and then it went back to being unrisen once again?
	Like a souffle or whatever?
	Yeah, I think that's it.
	I think we're on the reflattening of the South.
	Okay, well, speaking of something that was on the rise and that was quickly deflating, let's talk about Elon Musk.
	As I frequently do in our notes here, I just have it written down as Elon something something because he's in a special brand of person who's just always in the news for some horse shit.
	Mike, what's the horse shit this week?
	Well, right now, before we started recording, Elon decided to tread towards territory that is very much in the wheelhouse of Mysterious Al, in that someone made a comment to Elon, and he replied to that person by saying, you have time for a gift of a sexy mom.
	Oh, sorry.
	No, he said, you have tiny testicles, which for Elon... Projection!
	Yes, for Elon of the very strange penis, for him to go after somebody else's tiny testicles was particularly rich.
	Well, nobody quotes the full tweet, which was, you have tiny testicles, I can smell my own.
	So...
	In context, it makes a lot more sense and it makes him look a lot worse, or a lot less worse.
	Because he's just like, he's like, hey man, you have small balls and so do I, and I think we should get along.
	Any word whether he saw any of his children for the holidays?
	Uh, I don't believe so.
	I mean, since he tried to claim that that stalker who was going after Grimes was going after him and that whole story has fallen apart.
	Uh, yeah.
	It doesn't seem like Elon's really got anyone around him to, you know, like stage an intervention or try to help him out any.
	Cause he's just going to shit post through all of this.
	He's going to kek post?
	Yes.
	Like this is 2016 4chan.
	Yep, yeah, he replied to somebody by saying Keck, which was, uh, oh god, did QAnon's erogenous zones get triggered by the Elon Keck tweet?
	Oh, daddy said Keck!
	Oh, it's happening!
	We're gonna be let back on Twitter any day now to call Chrissy Teigen a cannibal.
	I love how, if he didn't already have like a big platform of idiots and like a bunch of pull because he's rich, He would just get dragged so hard online for his weak shit posting that he thinks is hilarious.
	He's not funny.
	No!
	He's not funny.
	He's not, he's not funny or clever and the internet's been around for a long time so there's like, there are ways to do it that people, you could tell when somebody is good at it.
	You know what I mean?
	Like drill.
	Right.
	Like drill is hilarious.
	And it's weird because it shouldn't be funny.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, just like knowing that's the kind of thing is like knowing what will work as a shit post is something that takes time to craft.
	Like trying to figure out shit like that takes work.
	Elon just stealing memes from other people and then posting them and then being like, look how clever I am.
	I'm the smartest boy in all the land.
	It's actually like, no, you're actually not.
	You're incredibly bad at this.
	Yeah, he's like, hey, look at this Pepe that we've all seen.
	Dude, I'm not gonna lie, the clothesline, like, magic eye Pepe thing, I was just like, I wish that this wasn't like a racism thing, because otherwise this would be like a pretty clever composition.
	Hey man, some Pepes are alright.
	I'd be like, I'd be like, I would be into this if it wasn't like a magic eye poster for a racist.
	Yeah, and then he also posted a meme of a person with all kinds of vaccines in them and CNN and a LGBTQ plus flag with a Muslim crescent on it for some reason.
	Yeah, because if it was a Jewish star, it would be too fucking obvious.
	Yeah, no kidding.
	And my favorite part of this is that you have the brainwashed person wearing the mask of all the vaccines and all that shit, and that person says they brainwashed you, and then basically the obvious stand-in for Elon is like, really?
	Yeah, the based guy.
	And the bad person that Elon is mocking has Twitter's logo in their leg.
	Their leg has, like, Facebook and Twitch and YouTube, and it also has Twitter and the leg.
	So it's just like, Elon's like, hey, the company I own, we're bad!
	I just sent you an artist rendition of it, where they're making out.
	Aww!
	Well, they should!
	Oh my god, that is...
	Oh man, it's just, what's really funny about Elon is that he is just a try-hard baby that wants to be cool so badly.
	And you just see this with so many people, like our boy QAnon Jon, who I bring up every now and then.
	QAnon Jones is a much tinier version of Elon that just wants to be cool.
	He has little money.
	So he throws it around the QAnon supporters and he's like, guys, guys, can I be in the QAnon community?
	Can I be a cool bro?
	I'll call myself QAnon Jon and everything.
	And they take his money and they're like, okay, Jon, you're part of the community.
	What's so funny is like if you look at his engagement compared to anyone else's engagement, it's so little.
	No one gives a fuck about that guy.
	They just want his money.
	So they just, they just let him pretend like he's part of the club and they get his money.
	And Elon, I mean, all of like Elon's existence has just been this desperate need for people to like him.
	Like he did that terrible stint on Saturday Night Live.
	He was on The Simpsons.
	He did Rick and Morty.
	That's why this spiral is good for us.
	Because at some point he will lose enough of his wealth where he will become desperate enough for attention, but still have enough of his wealth that he will be rich enough to pay us that maybe it will be our time to shine.
	And then we can start getting fat stacks for being sycophants.
	I'm here for it.
	Our show has always been very upfront about how quickly we will sell out.
	I will sell out very fast to Elon Musk if the price is right.
	I do not support the statements of... No, no, no.
	This is the regular Hellworld crew.
	And not Haley.
	Haley has her own price, I'm sure.
	Maybe it's zero.
	Maybe there's no price.
	I have a price.
	Not your price, but...
	What's going on right now is that Hayley is negotiating.
	Me and Elle have already sold low.
	We've sold aggressively low.
	Hayley's like, I can get four times what these idiots are asking for.
	They're selling themselves short.
	I know my worth.
	I know what Elon will pay for me to be a Sycophant for him.
	Because that dude's a billionaire and he's desperate.
	But I feel like the higher payout you take, the harder it is to play off your selling out as being, like, an irony thing.
	It was like, yeah, I was like, it was for an ironic paycheck!
	Like, who could fault me?
	You know what I mean?
	Like, if you're putting yourself into the billionaire tax bracket, it just immediately, like, 100% just being like, I am becoming the thing I hate.
	I would also accept that.
	Those are sort of my two terms.
	I want to be low enough where I can be comfortable and still sort of, like, maintain some amount of credibility if I spin it right, which I think I could do.
	Or, I want it to be like a filthy, just astonishingly filthy amount of money.
	So, El, how did you get your billion dollars?
	Shut up, poor!
	I don't have to talk to you!
	How did my security let you this close to me?
	You're all fired.
	See, that's what I want.
	Yes, that's a dream.
	Anyway, speaking of the rock-solid scruples of our guest host Haley, it wouldn't be a cause to have a guest host if not for needing to check up on the wonders of the Florida of the West, Arizona.
	Shout out.
	So we're gonna start while we're still in the bush before we get to more newsworthy items with Haley's trip to Ameri-Con!
	AmericaFest.
	It's actually AmericaFest.
	You called it Ameri-Con earlier.
	Did I?
	I didn't make that up.
	I just woke up.
	Okay, well, AmericaFest.
	Because I call it FascistCon, usually.
	We're like America con, fascist con.
	Yeah.
	Did it.
	Yeah, so for people who don't know what Turning Point USA is, it's like a, it's Charlie Kirk's youth organization.
	Oh, can you hear the garbage can right now?
	No.
	Okay, good.
	But basically, Turning Point USA is like the low-key Republican shit weasels, and they get harassed by Nick Fuentes' Grapers a lot because they're like, Hey, young guys, just become Nazis!
	Republicanism is lame!
	Go the full way!
	Yeah, this is like fancy conservatism.
	They're still shitheads, but they wear high heels and tucker suits.
	Again, America loves a loser.
	That pitch is like, hey, why would you want to stick with this team of people who are still just in contention for winning because it's only a two-party system and they're one of them?
	And instead, why don't you join our club, which is based on a strong foundation of having our asses paddled 80 years ago.
	Yeah.
	It's mainly geared towards teenagers and young adults, but it fits over 10,000.
	The list was Charlie Kirk, Tucker Carlson, Donald Trump Jr., Candace Owens, Greg Gutfield, Laura Ingram, Josh Hawley, Carrie Lake, Matt Gaetz, Newt Gingrich, Kaylee McEnany, Steve Bannon, Dennis Prager, Lauren Matt Walsh, Michael Knowles, Benny Johnson, Seth Dillon, Harmeet Dillon, Mike Lindell, Jimmy John, James O'Keefe, Jack Posobiec.
	Yeah, a bunch of shitheads.
	You get to watch them all on stage.
	You get to take photos with them.
	You get to watch them, you know, do their thing.
	It sucks.
	Did you see who was there?
	I sent you a photo.
	Okay.
	So usually it's like, yeah, like the Fox News lineup plus the other, like Steve Bannon far right sphere.
	Is that our Boy Blake Masters?
	No!
	It's Baby Q!
	It's Baby Q!
	Look who I found!
	Baby Q made it to the convention!
	Yeah, Mel K was there, too.
	She had a booth.
	Oh, God.
	Baby Q was walking around talking about, like, quantum...
	Physics?
	Who the fuck is Baby Q?
	Austin Steinbart?
	Yeah, so Baby Q, Haley named him as Austin Steinbart.
	He was a grifter, lunatic shitweasel from about like two years ago who jumped into QAnon and his shtick was I am Q in the future, sending messages back to all of us now in the past, and I am discerning my future messages from me to me to help lead the movement forward, to guide us.
	He went to jail.
	Yeah, he went to jail because he is a fucking idiot.
	He stole shit, right?
	He just, like, literally, like... He, like, took photos of people's private medical information and, like, posted it online or something.
	Yeah, that sounds right.
	Yeah.
	He did.
	He actually did a real big boy crime.
	It was like a federal crime.
	He went to like federal jail or like someone, you know?
	Okay.
	So this crazy person was- Also he tried to like, uh, he tried to, uh, not, he, he tried to like pass his drug test with a fake cock.
	Oh yeah.
	He wizard-natered.
	Yes.
	I remember the wizard-nater story.
	God.
	So what was going on at AmericaFest?
	You just watch the people speak about whatever the fuck they want to ramble on about, and then you go watch them give sessions where they tell a bunch of teenagers, like, get married young, even if you can't afford it, have a bunch of kids, just have a bunch of conservative kids, and don't send them to public schools, send them to Turning Point Academy, our school, the school that teaches you how to be a good little conservative.
	So it's basically like a secular version of Quiverful?
	Oh yeah.
	Yeah.
	And the thing I love about that shit is it's just like, yeah, have a bunch of kids who are gonna be struggling to make ends meet and resent you as parents, and then you try to brainwash them, and then they get into the real world and they realize you are fucking idiots, Like, the whole idea, like, if you're actually, like, economically, like, stable, and you can have a large family, you might be able to, like, brainwash and pill your kids.
	But if, like, you give your kids a shitty childhood, like, the brainwashing isn't gonna take nearly as effectively.
	Because your kids are gonna be like, wait, my parents sucked, and all they ever did was rant about how Biden and Obama were the Antichrist.
	Yeah.
	This is kind of the crowd that can afford to have kids, though.
	It's like up to $750 a ticket for this shit.
	God!
	Yeah.
	They have to be giving away some of those tickets.
	Oh yeah, they definitely do.
	You can, like, win them.
	Huh?
	Can you imagine the life you're leading if you're some, like, 18-year-old kid and your parents have probably spent $750 per ticket for you and, like, hopefully not your girlfriend, but maybe your girlfriend or, I guess, significant other.
	In my mind, a conservative is just a white guy, go figure.
	And you're paying $750 a ticket to go have somebody just be like, knock her up!
	Knock her up real good and real fast, like over and over again, all the time, just keep knocking her up.
	Dude, you're on the hook to pay for all those kids, you do it, you'll be fine.
	And ladies, barefoot and pregnant, that's your life, that's the way the Lord intended.
	Women, I have no advice for you, because I'm not supposed to talk to you, so... I'm just going to leave the room now.
	I don't know Alex Jones exists as a person.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Last year.
	Um, God, what's his fucking name?
	It's one of the Fox news guys was like talking about how, like, he was kind of giving advice how to like leave your older wife and like get a younger one.
	Jesse Waters.
	Yes.
	Yes.
	It was him.
	Yeah.
	That was wild.
	Yeah.
	Was this the convention where Carrie Lake did the Up Yours?
	Is that where she did the rude gesture to the crowd to let everyone know how serious she is about the recount and stuff?
	I don't think that was this.
	This is the one where she was like, my pronouns are I-1.
	Oh, yeah.
	Man, I mean, my pronouns are blank.
	Literally every single speaker made that joke.
	The joke format that just never stops giving.
	It's just a non-stop laugh machine.
	It's so fucking funny!
	Yeah, I identify as an attack helicopter.
	That still kills, right?
	That still absolutely kills?
	Yeah, you said it wrong.
	It would be my pronouns are attack slash helicopter.
	Oh, damn.
	Fuck.
	Oh, man.
	I'm just looking at, like, the Riverside, like, has, like, the generic soundboard, and I almost wanted to, like, play a cheering or a rimshot after I made that joke to just, like, really drive it home, but... It's a real shame that we're not gonna get the, like... I would love a George W. Bush...
	Like, fumbling to get through one of those punchlines during, like, a news cycle or whatever.
	And an alternate dimension where he's the candidate right now.
	He's just like, my pronouns are he slash wait, dammit.
	Oh, God.
	I will say that given given Trump's current brain capacity, if he ever goes for the pronoun joke, we might get it from him because, oh, God.
	Apropos of nothing, but I just wanted to stick this in real quick.
	There was like a five minute video of him whining about the January 6th committee.
	And it was like over like 13 cuts.
	Like you could just see, like they just had like camera one, it was like straight on.
	And then camera two was like, it was in tight.
	And then it would just go back to camera one.
	And they just kept cutting and cutting and cutting from the two camera shots.
	And I'm just like, this is five minutes.
	How the fuck can this guy not get through five minutes at this point?
	And he loved her sweet cat.
	Her sweet, sweet cat.
	It was not that bad, but on a scale of 1 to 10, it was a solid 7.
	I mean, it was just like, oh man.
	I can't imagine being a producer on a Trump video and being like, Donnie, we're going to need another take there.
	He's like, what do you mean another take?
	I'm killing it!
	They're like, Donnie, you started ranting about fucking onions again.
	I don't know what's wrong.
	And the faucets with the weak water that you get so upset about all the time.
	Can we rein it in a little?
	No!
	I'm dumb and old and angry and was the president once.
	Like, oh my god.
	I'm assuming that if he's complaining about water being weak, he means the pressure, and it's just because his tiny, weak hands can't turn the knobs any harder.
	His water pressure is so weak!
	It's like nobody has the heart to tell him he's just too weak to turn the knobs.
	Poor guy.
	Poor guy with his tiny hands.
	Oh, that little scamp.
	Anyway, if you guys thought that we were done talking about Arizona, you'd be sorely mistaken.
	That was just the tip of the Arizona iceberg, you perverts.
	Anyway, let's get into our headline news segment.
	From the digital headlines to the digital front lines, it's Q's in the News.
	America loves a loser.
	I've said it twice already and I'll say it a third time because we're leading off with Arizona's own favorite, Carrie Lake.
	Yeah, we're talking about her.
	It's the loser episode.
	Yeah.
	And she's here to tell you that she did not lose.
	Have you heard what her pronouns are?
	Exactly.
	So for more on Carrie Lake being a huge loser, we'll turn it over to Mike and special flaming butthole of America, Arizona correspondent Hailey.
	Isn't it right, Big Watch?
	What's going on in that crater?
	Yeah.
	I'll let Hayley take a good start here.
	Carrie lost.
	I don't know if everybody heard.
	And guess what?
	She lost again.
	Yeah.
	She lost her, like, case where she was claiming she actually won.
	She had the Cyber Ninja attorney representing her.
	So, you know, it was going to go fucking well.
	But she's appealing even though she was threatened with sanctions but she just has to pay fines.
	She has to keep paying fines for all these cases that she's been bringing because they're frivolous and bullshit.
	I heard that she didn't get nailed for the full sanction.
	She only got nailed for paying for Hobbs' experts.
	Yeah, they're not being sanctioned, but she has to pay all the money back.
	Which means Mike Lindell has to pay all the money back.
	I love the idea of Mike Lindell just being this giant fond of money for right-wing grifters, and he just doesn't see it.
	He just can't wrap his head around the fact that it's like, no, Mike, they're just stealing from you.
	Like, none of these people actually think they're going to win anything.
	They're just taking your money because you like buy into this shit so wholeheartedly and don't see that you're being fleeced.
	Yeah.
	So she's appealing her, um, case that she got in trouble for filing.
	And she said at America Fest, she's going to take it all the way to the Supreme Court.
	So she loves, she loves to lose that.
	She has, she loves losing.
	We're going to see her lose at least two more times, which I think is kind of fun.
	I don't see how the Supreme Court can hear her case because this is entirely a state-based election.
	Yeah, the AZ Supreme Court.
	She's going to appeal it to the AZ Supreme Court.
	Okay, yeah, and they'll tell her to pound sand.
	Because last I checked, we are recording this on the 28th, and Katie Hobbs will be sworn in as governor on January 4th, so the clock is really ticking on this.
	This is moving pretty quickly.
	Uh, I remember one of the funniest things I saw in a desperate attempt to defend Kerry Lake was like praying medic was like, there was one time in Arizona where they had a governor for a year before the other person who actually won the election became governor.
	So hey, don't, don't be too worried about anything happening right now.
	And it's like, if you actually read the story, like that was a legitimate case.
	Where there was all kinds of weird voter fraud bullshit going on, and they literally had a year to sort it out.
	Whereas right now, Lake has no evidence of anything.
	Literally, like, all her case was is, there were long lines!
	Did all those people end up voting anyways?
	Well, yeah, but... So they voted.
	They were not disenfranchised, were they?
	But they were sad when they voted.
	Do sad votes count less?
	Well, no.
	Well, then they weren't disenfranchised and you got their votes anyways.
	You still lost.
	Fuck off.
	Yeah, so there's this thing called the Box 3 conspiracy.
	Oh, yeah.
	I've heard of the legend of Box 3.
	Yeah, so the legend of the Box 3 is that the people whose ballots weren't being read on the day of had to put it in Box 3 for it to be read later at the tabulation center.
	And you know what that fucking means.
	Right in the shredder.
	Yeah, right in the shredder.
	Yeah.
	What was the name of the Attorney General guy who lost by like 500 votes?
	His name is Abe Hamaday?
	Ibrahim?
	Yeah.
	Uh, yeah.
	So, cause, uh, cause Abe filed a lawsuit that was dismissed within like almost an hour.
	Like they presented their case with like one witness.
	Yeah.
	And then the judge looked at them and was like, that's, that's what you woke me up for.
	That's, that's what I came in.
	I had to put this fucking robe on and I had to make a bailiff yell all rise when I walked in here to listen to this one jamoke, not say anything and then walk off the stand and you fucking did this.
	And Abe's attorneys and Abe were like, yeah.
	How'd you like it, judge?
	And the judge was like, didn't like it at all!
	Case dismissed!
	Get the fuck out of here!
	So, like, that was... At least Lake's judge actually, like, took, like, a couple days to, like, make his ruling.
	That guy was just literally like, get the fuck out, you morons!
	Yeah, Hamaday, he tried to file initially too early, so his case was initially thrown out, and then, like, if you read it, it literally says, like, we are not alleging fraud, like, right in the opener.
	So it's like, yeah, get this shit out of here.
	We're not alleging that we lost due to cheating.
	We are just sad that we lost and we wish for a judge to make us not lose.
	Mark Fincham has also been challenging his massive loss.
	It's really incredible when you are such unbelievable pieces of shit that you make
	Blake Masters look good by comparison.
	The fact that Blake Masters are like, taking the L, just lost, moving along the way normal politicians do when they lose an election, just calling it a day.
	It's like, holy shit, when you can't follow the high road of Blake Masters, who is just like a cyborg monster.
	He's weird.
	Yeah, just a dude that will literally say fucking anything if he thinks it'll get him a vote.
	When that guy is just a standard you can't hold yourself to.
	It's like, wow, you're the worst.
	There's always a bigger fish, Mike.
	Lake was telling the teenagers at AmericaFest to donate to her legal fund, which I thought was funny.
	She even said, like, I know you might not have the money, but you should donate anyway.
	When you're not busy knocking up your girlfriends, you should be giving me your money.
	When you're not busy knocking on your girlfriend's door to have babies that you can't afford, well, you know what else you can't afford?
	Giving me money.
	Do it anyways!
	Your future babies don't need that money.
	I do.
	Oh my god.
	The right-wing ideology is literally just a fireplace full of money being thrown into it, and then those people screaming, do it, sucker!
	Throw it in there!
	Look, Elon's doing it.
	He's loving it.
	Elon's just shoveling $100 bills into the fireplace.
	This is great!
	Yeah, I mean, look at what shoveling all that money into a fireplace is doing for Elon.
	The more money he hemorrhages, the more unhinged and conservative he becomes.
	Yeah!
	It cost him $40 billion or whatever, but now he's finally bought himself, like, debt deep enough into the rabbit hole to be kecking.
	Now he's like, keck!
	He's kecking!
	He's hepe pog, am I right?
	Flossing dance, Fortnite.
	I'm hip.
	Oh my God.
	Tesla stock is rebounding to a crisp $133.
	Oh, $113.
	Ooh, bring it down.
	It's $113.
	It started the year at $400.
	So, I mean, just Jesus Christ.
	It's really funny that the odds that it will hit double digits rather than get to $200, which will mean it only lost 50% of its value over the course of a year, is impressive.
	I mean, just good Lord.
	The thing is, is that literally Tesla stock was all based on vibes.
	It was all based on Elon's a genius and he's going to have self-driving cars and he's going to create these batteries that last for forever and all this stuff.
	Tunnels, you know.
	Oh yeah, the Hyperloops.
	He's going to invent the subway.
	Isn't that already invented?
	Because you just called it a subway.
	Shut up!
	Elon's going to invent the ultra subway.
	Oh, okay.
	I'm sorry.
	It's a Hyperloop.
	It's different.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, he's truly the greatest of us.
	And he didn't actually invent the Hyperloop.
	He was literally just doing that so he could kill mass transit projects in those cities.
	So yeah, fuck that clown.
	I mean, hey, he wanted to dig tunnels.
	That was what he really wanted to do.
	Yes, he's a guy who loves it.
	He likes a nice big, a nice big powerful drill, like just penetrating the earth.
	Yeah.
	And in order to promote it, I'm going to build a flamethrower.
	It's got a nice big round tip on the end of it and it shoots real far.
	Yeah.
	And when I'm not doing that, I'm gonna shoot big ROCKETS at this thing!
	Yeah!
	Oh, big ROCKETS!
	Oh, yeah!
	And no, I don't have a three-inch penis.
	I'm packing it!
	Don't worry about my deformed small penis.
	Don't worry about it!
	The terrifying thing that anyone could identify at a glance.
	Yeah, well, in his defense, it does look like Cerberus.
	Yeah, yes!
	Three short, stumpy heads.
	Writhing and snarling.
	Oh god.
	Gross.
	Yeah, but Elon, you can stop us at any time.
	One million United States dollars will unlock... it gets you a premium 5,000 screws.
	One million, that's it.
	Well, that's just for us to stop talking about his gross penis.
	Oh, okay.
	The actual simping was a much higher charge.
	Yeah, but this is just a... it's like the Battle Pass option.
	Yeah, there's tears.
	You unlock your Battle Pass and we just stop talking about your gross dick.
	Yes!
	Because again, if it was huge, we would know it.
	He would have been like, I'm on Twitter and he's my first actor and he's my huge hog.
	Hunter Biden ain't got shit on me!
	Look at my massive wag.
	I'm like two Idris Elba's over here.
	That would have been part one of the Twitter files.
	The Twitter files.
	Hunter Biden versus me.
	Advantage.
	Elon.
	Yeah.
	And dude, if Q&A ate that shit up, they'd be like, wow, look, look, daddy, daddy is packing heat.
	Daddy.
	Yep.
	Oh, God.
	I mean, the fact that they literally call Trump daddy or the boss all the time lets you know that they're just the absolute most beta human beings that have ever lived.
	They're just so totally subservient.
	They just want their massive, they want their massive leader to cuck them so aggressively.
	Please, daddy, just rule me.
	Honestly, I think what most of these conservative Trump simps really would love in their heart of hearts is a Yakuza relationship.
	I think they just want to be like in a quiet masculine group where the power dynamic is essentially just one alpha male with a pack of subservient beta males who treat him as like a weird homoerotic father slash lover or whatever.
	That sounds right to me.
	Slash mentor.
	And then they just learned life lessons from about how big heart is great.
	And they never think about him sweaty in the bath.
	Oh, God, I it's just really amazing that we're just I don't know, stuck in this
	this crazy world where these idiots are just totally they're so enamored of
	of their heroes and they have this.
	The right wing celebrity worship is just the weirdest thing.
	And yet whenever you go on all of these people's timelines, they're like, Oh, look at this dumb celebrity saying we should treat people fairly.
	Who listens to celebrities?
	They're so stupid.
	Meanwhile, they're like celebrating Carrie Lake, who was literally just a news anchor lady who then ran for Congress, ran for governor on a mantra of, I hate liberals.
	They're bad.
	They like Kevin Sorbo posting they.
	It's like celebrities are stupid, but Kevin Sorbo is the greatest.
	Yeah, don't listen to celebrities except for ours.
	You know, heavy hitters like Roseanne and Kevin Sorbo and that lady from that Star Wars show.
	James Woods.
	Gina Carrero.
	What's her name?
	Anybody?
	And Rob Schneider.
	Oh, they love Rob Schneider.
	Oh, my God.
	He lives here.
	Oh, my God.
	He's the funniest comedian in the business.
	We all know it.
	He actually campaigned with Carrie.
	America loves a loser.
	He has me blocked.
	I called him out.
	I just tweeted about him because he held this like sovereign citizen paid telegram seminar with this sovereign citizen grifter here and I thought that was wild so I posted about it and he fucking blocked me for it.
	Rob Schneider I'm calling you out with an offer $10,000 I'll never talk about you again because I don't care about you enough.
	And maybe he's got 10 grand.
	Maybe if he's lucky.
	I mean, that's why the figure's low.
	I'm not sure how much he can hit up Adam Sandler for it at any given moment.
	I don't want to push the boundaries.
	Anyway, let's move on from talking about Gary Link being the worst and let's get into headline pants-on-fire news.
	We're talking about George Santos.
	And I guess George Santos is a nice big liar, is a lying liar.
	Mike, remind everybody who George Santos is and tell us what he was lying about and why Fox News hates him now.
	Well, the answer about what he was lying about was literally everything.
	George Santos is a congressman-elect in New York who apparently faked literally every detail of his personal biography.
	He claimed to be a gay Jewish immigrant.
	He's probably an immigrant.
	That's maybe the one thing that's actually honest about him.
	And he had lots of campaign materials stating that he is an American Jew and proud of it.
	And then people were like, actually, no.
	Didn't he claim his grandparents were like in the Holocaust?
	I think so.
	Yeah, he took it pretty far.
	Yeah, he went everywhere with it.
	Hey, well, just because they're not Jewish doesn't mean that his ancestors were not in the Holocaust.
	That is true.
	If you catch my drift.
	Yes.
	When eventually, now, so these stories started breaking and then Sanchez came out with a thing saying, give me a week and I will address all of these controversies.
	And people were like, why do you need a week?
	What is holding you back from talking right now about this stuff?
	Are you trying to come up with some shit?
	And at some point in this conversation, he actually went for the zinger.
	He said, I didn't say I was Jewish.
	I said I was Jew.
	It took me a while to understand what was happening when Mike described it, and then once I realized what the punchline was, I was like, oh no.
	I never said I was Jewish!
	I said I was Jewish!
	That's that is astonishing it took me a while to understand what was happening when Mike described it
	Yeah!
	And then once I realized what the punchline was I was like oh, no
	I never said I was Jewish. I said I was Jewish Get it
	Waka waka I'm just kidding.
	It was a joke that just went too far!
	And also, again, one of the other things that he did during this campaign was proudly promoting the fact that he was a gay Republican, showing the inclusion and diversity of the Republican Party.
	And it came out that maybe a week or maybe a few days before he declared his candidacy, he got a divorce from his wife, who was a woman.
	He could be a little bisexual.
	He could be bisexual.
	Yeah, that doesn't make him not gay.
	Maybe he discovered he was gay after he got married.
	That does, in fact, just happen to people sometimes.
	It could, but I'm just saying, given... In the context of all the other lying, it seems pretty sus, but that is a thing that could... Yeah, you could just be like, hey man.
	You gay?
	Yeah.
	That seems like it would be rude.
	Just try to honeypot him.
	You know, try to proposition him.
	Just be like, hey, I hear you're going through a rough divorce, and that's unfortunate.
	Would you like to touch my butt and see how he reacts?
	Because who could possibly resist the allure of my grace?
	No one can.
	I am quite irresistible.
	You are our sexual operative.
	You're like our Black Widow.
	When you need to fight somebody, your go-to move is wrapping your thighs around their neck and flipping them.
	Yeah, I am much well-trained in the art of lucha libre, and I can hit a hurricanrana very effectively.
	And by that I mean I would probably die if I attempted such a maneuver.
	Yeah, you're our sexy Rey Mysterio.
	That's me!
	Request for fan art of me wearing a Rey Mysterio mask now.
	Please get on that, everyone.
	I just like Donald Trump, he's shredded.
	I mean, I get it, I get it, I forgot we were supposed to be describing how people look at that.
	Mike Rades, picture a Greek statue.
	No, a better one.
	And it's come alive!
	You look like a statue that Elon would retweet.
	Absolutely, yes!
	Hot buff.
	With an incredibly tiny penis.
	Yeah, but not that.
	You're packing, we know you're packing.
	I also love that the Greeks cared so little about dick size that they immortalized it in marble.
	Yeah, like all those dudes are like shredded like Adonises and then you get to their package and it's just like, oh, OK, well, I mean, I feel like if I was going to be doing like an artistic representation, maybe I would enhance certain elements of it.
	It makes you wonder.
	It's just like, well, is the rest of this just photo accurate?
	Is it really?
	I mean, was this guy really?
	I mean, good for him.
	He put the work in.
	He was putting the work in to compensate for his... I do hope he was a grower, not a shower, because... Worry not about the spirit of Achilles!
	is...
	Anyway.
	So George Santos, he lied about everything.
	He's Jewish, which I think is offensive.
	If he's not actually Jewish, like what did you mean by it then?
	Right.
	He's like, you know, in some ways I'm like a Jew?
	What ways, George?
	Oh, you know, the Jewish ways.
	What?
	Do you sit Shiva?
	Do you like celebrate like Hanukkah?
	How are you Jewish?
	It's going to be something super offensive.
	So to let you know how fucked this guy is, the people defending him include Jack Posebic, who is an absolute worthless stack of shit.
	I just saw him at AmericaFest.
	Yes.
	And the people condemning him are Fox News, who for some reason decided to bring their hit woman Tulsi Gabbard in to be the heavy for her interview with Santos.
	And she basically just ran him over.
	I mean, this was, like, I hear Santos, and you're going on Fox News for the interview, you're like, okay, they're gonna, like, softball it, they're gonna let me kind of, like, Like, start to build the foundation of, like, my lies that are going to get me through this.
	I'm going to keep my head down through two years of Congress and hope everything works out and I can get re-elected.
	But Tulsi Gabbard was just like, Hey, George, you lying sack of shit.
	Why are you lying so much?
	And he's like, This is, this is Fox.
	What are you doing to me, Tulsi?
	And she's like, I'm doing to you what Murdoch told me to do to you.
	Hang you out to dry, idiot.
	You should probably resign now, because if you don't, you're losing a Republican primary in 18 months.
	Fucking guarantee that shit, idiot!
	He's getting Madison Cawthorned.
	Yes, he's absolutely getting the aggressive Cawthorne.
	So yeah, this is a man who is not long for the political sphere.
	He definitely will be able to make money as a right-wing grifter at some point once this all blows over, but until then... You can tell his joke.
	Yes!
	And it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy?
	Oh, wait a minute.
	No, he's terrible.
	And he deserves much more than he's getting, which is simply like, they're just like, hey, we're taking back all the stuff you got from lying about your whole identity, really.
	Yeah, I'd love to talk to his wife.
	Yes.
	Mostly just because I'm into divorcees.
	But in addition to that, I'd love to ask her some questions about the nature of their relationship.
	Maybe over some drinks.
	Because I want to be like, do you think that maybe he's secretly gay?
	Or was the stress of him lying about that and a billion other things, what did you win?
	We'll never know.
	We'll never know.
	Maybe we will.
	Maybe she'll do a tell-all.
	That'd be great.
	I'm rooting for it.
	Mrs. Santos, you have an outstanding invitation to the podcast.
	We'd love to have you.
	Oh, you better believe it.
	Yes!
	Okay, so that's our lying liar news for the week.
	No more liars to talk about.
	Just routing out the day with straight shooter Tucker Carlson.
	And straight shooter Tucker Carlson has apparently been going down the old rabbit hole of conspiracy theories, which happens to be one Mike Rains' total wheelhouse and bag.
	So Mike, talk to us about this Christmas miracle of Tucker Carlson going down the conspiracy rabbit hole.
	So, recently there was another tranche of documents released by the JFK Assassination Review Board, but there were still more that are being withheld!
	Man, we're really going back to the classics, huh?
	Yes!
	It's like sampling!
	It's like how that running up that hill song became a chart-topping hit this year.
	Or last year, or whatever, because of fucking Stranger Things.
	Yes!
	So, Tucker claimed, and his big payoff to this segment was, I talked to somebody who saw these documents, and I asked that person, did the CIA kill Kennedy, and that person said, fuck yeah they did, totally blew his head off, 100% CIA.
	So Tucker's anonymous source who saw the documents, quotation marks, went to Tucker and was like, yep, CIA totally murdered Kennedy.
	And then they proceeded to go after, like, they're like, now if you're the head of the CIA, you're a bad person.
	And so this person's bad.
	And Mike Pompeo, you got some questions to answer, buddy.
	What's going on with you?
	You probably covered up the murder of the president at some point.
	And QAnon, on the one hand, was like, Kennedy murder, good, because we want people talking about how the CIA did it, but going after Pompeo, bad!
	But QAnon got over that very quickly by forgetting that Tucker went after Pompeo and then immediately just decided to be like, you know, We're just going to be so happy that Tucker did this.
	I saw one QAnon promoter post something and he said, direct quote was, now that it is a fact that the CIA killed JFK.
	And I was like, Tucker can just now create reality with the power of his voice and his message.
	Tucker can just be like, and another thing, uh, by the way, Fox News stock is now triple in value.
	Boom.
	I'm now a trillionaire success.
	He could just, he just shaped the world with his mind.
	And so now it is just official, because Zucker said so, the CIA absolutely 100% killed Kennedy.
	It's true.
	I mean, here's my hot take, is that it would be interesting to learn if any of the conspiracy theory stuff surrounding JFK was true, but it's hard to care too much about it even if it was, because everyone involved is dead.
	Like, everybody who would have been involved back then, like, that was, what, 70 years ago?
	So if they were just, like, anything older than 20, they are very likely dead by now.
	Oh yeah, all the people that, like, when you're in the weeds in this shit and you actually name names, you're like, oh, it was Alan Dulles and Richard Nixon and Lyndon Johnson.
	It's like, they're all dead.
	So, we can't dig him up and throw him in jail.
	Yeah, what are we gonna do?
	Kick him in the doors of the CIA and just be like, we know that you did it!
	And they're gonna be like, uh, this is a place where people work, and people that worked here 70 years ago did it, and what are we supposed to do about it exactly?
	And this is what leads to the whole Illuminati thing, is the people who killed Kennedy one day, like, went to their, uh, the people they were training, and they're like, okay guys, We murdered the president in 63, so you guys need to up your game.
	And I don't know, sometime in the early 2000s, you should probably blow up the World Trade Center or something.
	You guys gotta do something.
	Make your mark on the world.
	You gotta do your CIA attack on America terrorism plan in order to, like, spice things up and make sure everyone knows the CIA is terrible and evil.
	It's like every few years the CIA has to, like, blood itself.
	It has to, like, jump itself into a gag that is comprised of itself.
	Yes!
	The Illuminati's just like, hey, man, you gotta pay the toll.
	You gotta do some fucked up shit.
	Well, you know, I actually went to The Thing this week.
	It's a roadside Arizona attraction at a large shell gas station slash Dairy Queen.
	And it's a big attachment to the gas station that's like a alternative history, little walkthrough kind of dark ride type of deal.
	And it's a He claims that aliens are responsible for Kennedy and also 9-11 and also basically civilization and so I think it was aliens.
	Going agent aliens is awesome!
	I highly recommend the thing if you ever pass through Tucson at the thing slash Shell gas station slash Dairy Queen.
	It's just hard to understand why an alien civilization with the means to intervene at all would intervene in such a minor way.
	No, they intervene in, like, literally our entire- they are the reason for our existence.
	According to the thing, they invented our civilization.
	They are our reason for living.
	They are the reason we are breathing.
	Alright?
	Yeah, but we fuck up a lot.
	Yeah, they're responsible for a lot of things.
	It was a really intricate little ride.
	It was like they took responsibility for some things.
	They altered history.
	They did 9-11, which I really can't stress enough.
	Did they explain why they did 9-11?
	No, they were just like, let's throw 9-11 there in the end.
	The aliens decided to just do a weird thing where they just re-stoked American bigotry against Muslims and did a terrorism.
	They also had a little, they had this huge setup where it was like an alien in a Rolls Royce driving Winston Churchill.
	That makes sense.
	Yeah.
	The thing.
	Yes.
	Have you, have you ever done Denver Airport?
	Okay, because I mean, Illuminati people fucking love Denver Airport.
	I'm gonna have to go.
	What's there?
	A big triangle?
	It's every, like, you just, like, if you do a Google search, like, there's all kinds of stuff.
	And then, like, a few years ago, when they were renovating Denver Airport, they just leaned aggressively into it.
	Like, all of, like, the areas that were being renovated, they had, like, aliens and Illuminati symbols everywhere.
	And they're like, What's going on over here?
	Is it a conspiracy?
	Or is it us just trying to get you better service that'll be here soon?
	The truth will be revealed.
	Mike, you should anonymously tip them off that Kansas City's airport is getting renovated, which I found out about a few months back when I traveled out there.
	And then you should pick up some hokum about how it's connected.
	I just sent you some of the thing.
	I'm pretty sure that all of these airports are at some point going to create the big transmutation circle that the evil guy is going to use to try to make the Philosopher's Stone.
	Turns out that the secret ingredient is human souls.
	What a racket.
	Oh god.
	The ultimate scam.
	Okay, do we want to stop talking about scams, both Tucker Carlson and Fullmetal Alchemist, and get into our listener mailbag for the week?
	That seems like a reasonable thing to do.
	Our listeners got questions, we got answers.
	It's time for Q and A.
	Okay, so I'm going to reverse order this this week and go right to Cameron Walkman's delicious list of questions.
	And the question for the week is pork roll or Taylor ham?
	Pork roll.
	I don't know what we're talking about.
	Me neither.
	I just like the word pork roll.
	It sounds cute.
	I've never heard of it.
	I think there was a controversy.
	I think this might be one of those controversial food subjects where it's like a regional food thing and two people call it a different thing.
	Oh, okay.
	Let's see.
	I don't know either.
	Yep, that is what it is.
	I'm looking up now and it is a thing where Taylor's Ham is one option or pork roll is the other one.
	Well, what is it?
	Uh, well it says, why does North Jersey call it a Taylor ham?
	Oh, it's a sandwich.
	Yeah, it's a sandwich.
	Oh, it looks good.
	As somebody who has no skin in the game whatsoever, just a regular consumer, aka the perfect person to be polling about this, Pork Roll is a better name for whatever this is.
	I like Pork Roll also.
	Yeah.
	What the fuck is a Taylor ham?
	Well, apparently the guy who invented the pork roll called it a Taylor ham because his name was Taylor.
	I mean, that's cool and all, but it turns out that... It's like he signed the sandwich.
	I feel like we need to acknowledge it in the history books, but I feel like the market determines what the actual name of this thing is, and it seems like the people changed its name to Pork Roll, right?
	That's true.
	Because Taylor Ham doesn't sound like a sandwich, it sounds like a full-ass ham.
	And you know what they say about art, once you put it out there, it's up for interpretation.
	Yeah, sorry, man.
	If you think you've got it bad, talk to the person who invented the GIF.
	Because they were very specific about, hey, it's GIF.
	And then everyone else on Earth, myself included, was just like, go fuck yourself, it's GIF.
	Because graphic starts with the sound G. And that's just the way it is.
	Yeah, sorry, buddy, you lose.
	Yeah, so apparently, apparently the pork roll was invented in 1856 by John Taylor of Trenton.
	And it was sold as Taylor's prepared roll, prepared ham until 1906.
	So he was, but unfortunately, Taylor You're no longer part of the pork roll.
	You're out of the game, buddy.
	No, no, no!
	He was a very important part of the pork roll as the inventor, which we acknowledge in the history of books.
	He lives on.
	The long-standing history of the pork roll, where it all started as the humble Taylor ham, and then became the pork roll that we all know and love today.
	Every time you eat a pork roll, you're eating a little bit of Taylor.
	Yeah, you're eating a little bit of Taylor's ham.
	Taylor's prepared him, I'll have you know.
	Pork roll sounds delicious, though.
	It really does look good.
	Even before I knew what it was, I was just like, I know which one of those two things sounds better.
	It's pork roll, for sure.
	Yes.
	Just a simple little sandwich.
	So Erica Hayden asks, what was your favorite gift you've ever received for any celebration of any kind?
	Uh, oh!
	I tragically don't have it anymore, but one Christmas my friend got me a very crappy copy, but a copy nonetheless, of Fantastic Four Number Five, which is the first appearance of my favorite comic book character, Doctor Doom!
	So he had gotten his hands on this incredibly ratty version of this comic, and I had it for many years before at some point I had to sell it to make ends meet.
	Because of the win over earlier, I am poor.
	Yeah, it was very thoughtful.
	And also worth a decent amount, even in the condition it was in.
	And now worth many, many times more than what I had to sell it for, unfortunately.
	Oh, of course.
	Oh my god.
	I sold so many magic cards that are now worth trillions by comparison.
	It's sickening to think about.
	And I had a few friends that were into the Magic the Gatherings before they even, like, all the price guides came out, and oh my god, the stuff they had was just... Could have been a pretty penny if they'd held on to it, but them's the breaks.
	What's your favorite gift ever made?
	Uh, I was thinking about this and I think like probably my favorite gift ever was, was when I got, uh, when I got my first Nintendo for like Christmas and just like, just started me down the path of just loving video games, like for forever.
	Cause I was just like, man, I remember, I remember just Mike Tyson's punch out, just being addicted to it.
	Um, I'm trying to remember, I.
	Yeah, my friend could not beat King Hippo.
	He, but so I, when I would let him play, he would have to tag me in for that fight and then he could win a couple of fights after that.
	But I was the first one to defeat Mike Tyson of the two of us.
	But, uh, and eventually he figured out King Hippo.
	I got a Nintendo pretty early in my life, like pretty close to right after it was released, because I was born the year it came out, in 85.
	So it was like 88 or whatever I remember getting my first one, and man.
	My parents didn't have a lot of money, so the only game that we got was the Pac-N, which was the two-pack of Duck Hunt slash Mario Brothers.
	I played the fucking shit out of those games.
	Boy, howdy.
	And when I wasn't playing those games, the Nintendo Blaster made just like an incredibly fun toy gun to just run around zapping stuff with.
	So shout out to Nintendo for making a fun toy gun.
	Yes.
	How about you, Hayley?
	What's your favorite gift ever?
	Well, I don't have any, like, sick-ass kid memories because I was raised a Jehovah's Witness, so no birthdays, no Christmas.
	That is a bummer.
	All my dope gifts came when I was an adult and I bought them my fucking self.
	Uh so uh oh when I was 10 actually okay so when I was 10 my mom must have thought it was like a big deal that I was like turning 10 because it's like a decade you know um and she actually did throw me a birthday party and like a few of my friends came over and we like went to the park and like the movies and shit and but when they came started coming over it was my birthday and they started coming over and I was like what the fuck is going on dudes I don't celebrate my birthday like you gotta go and they're like no we were in but we were invited.
	You're like this is this is pretty thoughtful but also incredibly thoughtless.
	Yeah like get the fuck out of here it's my birthday.
	Leave your presents and get the fuck out of here.
	Yeah but it was actually a surprise from my mom so I think that was actually the most memorable birthday because it was my only birthday.
	I mean, the one that I actually celebrated as like a kid.
	I celebrate my birthday now like by getting a drink, but nothing exciting.
	One of the things I get my friends for their birthday every year now is I give them a free pass for me to play and try my hardest at one of the board games that they love that I hate.
	Because we all have many, many varied tastes and a lot of it aligns, but every once in a while, like one of my friends really likes Scythe, and I think Scythe is kind of butt.
	But once a year, she can pull her card and just be like, as my birthday wish, it's time for some Scythe.
	And I'll be like, that is the way it goes.
	Let's Scythe it up.
	Make time for it and everything.
	How long does a game of Scythe take?
	I've never played it.
	Like two-ish hours.
	It's faster if everybody knows what they're doing, but since I only play it once a year, I don't really know what I'm doing.
	And I'm still very bad at it.
	Yeah, maybe one day I'll be really bad at it with you as well.
	I will tag myself in for your Scythe penance.
	Yeah, I'm going to bring a Scythe pitch hitter for me.
	I'm technically living up to my obligation, but also I don't have to play it.
	I'll just watch while you do it and I will get intoxicated.
	So thank you for the question.
	Placeholder asks, who is the next writer conservatives and libertarians will think is a lefty, but lefties don't think they're a lefty, that will do the Twitter files?
	I can't believe that Glenn Greenwald hasn't done one yet.
	It is absolutely- Okay.
	Glenn, I mean, literally, they have people I've never heard of doing this shit.
	And the fact that they're up to part nine, I mean, There is so nothing going on with this shit.
	Jimmy Dore will do one.
	Oh god!
	Jimmy, Jimmy door.
	Oh God.
	If Twitter, if Elon's going to buy out rumble or something and that, and that will be, uh, the announcement.
	It'll be like part 14 of the Twitter files will be Jimmy door on rumble.
	Uh, explaining the latest bullshit hobby horse thing that conservatives were mad about Twitter about when, back when Jack owned it and not when Elon owned it.
	Posobiec will get one.
	Oh, well, but Topic's not a fake lefty, that's the thing.
	No, he'll just get one.
	I know, he'll get one.
	It'll be, he'll, yeah.
	Oh God, I just, it is so funny to me how desperate they are to make this matter.
	Elon posted another meme, like, he had the meme of the woman, like, showing herself to the priest who was praying back when he was begging Trump to tweet on Twitter.
	And then, uh, like a couple of days ago, or maybe it may have been just like yesterday, he had the thing of like the mainstream media, like not looking at the Twitter files.
	And it was like a Lakers cheerleader dancing and a guy at the sidelines not looking at her.
	And it's just like, Elon is the thirstiest motherfucker in the world.
	And apparently he thinks everybody's like super hard up as well.
	He's like, Oh man, there's nothing, there's nothing more awesome than a meme of a hot chick and a guy, like not wanting to like get with her.
	Cause that's weird and stuff.
	Like if you're, you're a guy, you have to just be a sexual omnivore.
	And when you see a hot woman, you just have to start drooling
	and your eyes got a bug out of your head, like you're a cartoon.
	A wuga, a wuga.
	Yeah, you got to tug on your collar and have some steam shoot out.
	It's just all of that.
	I mean, that's how the dames get us going.
	Am I right guys?
	Am I right?
	Ha ha!
	Oh God.
	So- Dude, if there's one thing I hate,
	it's those dames.
	Ha ha ha!
	Bye.
	Yeah.
	So, I mean, I don't, I mean, he's run the gauntlet of fake lefties at this point.
	And I love that Barry Weiss, like, posted the most mild criticism of him.
	And immediately, like, Elon unfollowed her.
	She got kicked out of the club.
	She can't do the Twitter files anymore.
	He hit her with that three responses, too.
	Like, an hour apart each, he was like, answer me, Barry.
	Oh yeah, not to bring Elon back up, but that thread of Medvedev where he was just like, America will fall into civil war and Elon will become the president of its wreckage.
	And Elon was like, fucking awesome bro.
	And then like four hours later, Elon was like, your thread is weird and stupid and I do not like it.
	And I'm not saying this because people told me that if I continue to Sam.
	Yes.
	Sad daddy.
	Yeah, take that, Elon!
	with your fucking me becoming president as America burns.
	That might make me look crazy and hurt Tesla's stock even more.
	So I was just like, oh my God, like just can't help himself.
	Just terminally online.
	The most online divorced man in the history of the world.
	Sam. Yes.
	Sad daddy.
	Yeah, I think that Elon.
	Elon, you're our sad daddy.
	And Cleodora Silvestri, the hell Lord Grand Inquisitor, says Notorious
	Gloryhound Trump announced running for president yet has been suspiciously
	absent from his usual rallies and television television appearances.
	If he's actually dead, how long will the GOP keep up a weekend at Bernie's Forest to maintain the voter loyalty of Q-Folk?
	I think, at this point, I think enough of the luster is off of Trump, and they know that it's easy enough to trick QAnon believers with any number of different debates, that they would just be like, Trump died the way he lived!
	A hero!
	Fighting for all of us!
	And his last words were, listen to what this guy says now!
	He's the new me!
	They're going to do, like, the worst deepfake in the history of the world, where Donald Trump is like, I am very- or, not Donald Trump, is like, I am very ill, and now you must listen to Governor DeSantis.
	He is... Based!
	Q-plus!
	And... Oh no.
	It'd be great.
	Oh man, if only... If only they pinned the mantle of Q-plus to DeSantis.
	Also, Trump does still do a lot of rallies.
	He's just doing it in the conference room of Mar-a-Lago because Carrie Lake has been practically fucking living there.
	And they just constantly do events.
	It's just like, Turning Point's 10th anniversary, Moms for Liberty, some bullshit.
	Uh, the, the, the log cabin Republican event, a bunch of bullshit every fucking day.
	It's some bullshit.
	And Trump comes down from the stairs for like five minutes and gets his claps.
	So basically what you're saying is instead of going on tour, Trump now has a residency?
	Yeah, basically.
	He's got a residency at Mar-a-Lago.
	He's going to do the old school political campaign, the old front porch campaign where he just hangs out at Mar-a-Lago and yells at the press all day.
	Well, that's the alternative option, is that we can apprentice him indefinitely by establishing this pattern, where people gather at Mar-a-Lago, at the base of these stairs, and then up on the balcony, Trump comes out, and he lifts his arms up and he's just like, Hey everybody, I'm Donald Trump, it's great.
	And then he retreats back to his bedroom after just being like, Uh, whatever the policy is that you guys like the most, I'm in favor of that.
	I'm out.
	You established a pattern of him doing that while he's alive.
	And then when he dies, you just rig him up Disney Animagic style.
	And then everyone gathers at the base of the balcony.
	Donald Trump just comes out, his arms come up, and he's just like, whatever cause you guys support, I love it.
	I'm Donald Trump, and I support this message.
	It'll be the new attraction at the Walt Disney World.
	Anima Trump, the greatest Trump of them all.
	And then he'll open his mouth and he'll barf out a bunch of rifles.
	I also love the Second Amendment.
	Here's how much I love the Second Amendment.
	Unhinges jaw, AR-15 slides out.
	Yeah.
	Dude, I think Zardoz is a perfectly great dystopian future for the American conservative.
	Anyway, sorry, Hayley.
	But I do hope that when he dies, because I saw Trump Hotel once, like the one in New York, and it's all gold.
	And I really do hope that when he dies, they like kind of put him in a tomb like Lenin and let us all go see him.
	They have them in the glass coffin we could all walk by.
	Yeah, like a gold kind of lined but clear glass coffin that we could all... But bigger than Lenin's.
	Definitely bigger.
	You'll never believe how big my glass coffin's gonna be.
	It's gonna be huge.
	But I do like your animatronic Trump.
	Because it's so Florida.
	Yeah, Disney's made that part of the Florida culture.
	You gotta have the robot.
	I think it'd be sick.
	Yeah.
	And that brings us to our question of the week.
	What are you guys looking forward to?
	I'm on vacation, baby, so I've got a bunch of free time.
	I just ordered a bunch of Chinese food.
	Probably going to get caught up and watch some anime like a real adult.
	Adult.
	I'm going to get in on that Brendan Fraser marathon that we were talking about earlier.
	Uh, that sounded like it was bringing some nostalgia factors to me, so I'm gonna check out The Mummy.
	Good stuff.
	You should check out Bedazzled, if you didn't see that one back in the day.
	Oh my god, fucking Bedazzled.
	What else was Brendan Fraser... You remember Blast from the Past?
	Yeah, that's sort of like the big Brendan Fraser trifecta.
	I fucking love that movie.
	Those movies all came out within, like, two years of each other.
	It probably is shit.
	I think Blasphemy in the Past is the one that's like the most fucked up out of all of them because like the premise is just like exceptionally weird.
	I haven't gone back and rewatched that one yet.
	Maybe I should do that as well.
	They lived in like a bomb shelter but like there was no bomb.
	Just like a plane crashed at their house or some shit and they lived in the bomb shelter for like 30 years.
	I just thought the bomb shelter was sick.
	I would love that.
	I would love to live that shelter life!
	Underground.
	So yeah, and then what's the new movie that he's in that's supposed to be good?
	Whale?
	The Whale.
	The Whale.
	That was a real tearjerker, though.
	Oh no, I don't want to cry.
	I think it's directed by Darren Aronofsky or something.
	Oh shit!
	Never mind, I'll cry.
	I like his kind of cry.
	Anyway, yeah, you should check out The Whale.
	It's getting a bunch of heat.
	Ooh, heat.
	Ooh, I like heat.
	Yes.
	The hot, hot heat.
	What are you looking forward to, Mike?
	I'm looking forward to the fact that after a decade of being terrible, I'm in the finals of my fantasy football league.
	I'm going to do it.
	I'm going to win something that's totally meaningless.
	It's the saddest life.
	You're going to achieve the one-peat.
	Yes!
	Oh god, the dream of the one-peat.
	Oh man, I am gonna be the biggest Seattle Seahawk of all of them with my one title and that is it.
	That is all I will ever have.
	I hope you win.
	That's the Aaron Rodgers way.
	Yes, yes, 100% the Aaron Rodgers way.
	Yeah, so I'm looking forward to that and also I finally managed to put together a Marvel Snap deck that isn't bad, and I'm learning how to properly snapinate people.
	So I'm climbing the ranks, and I'm not going to make infinite this month, this session, because I think it ends in a week.
	And I'm probably not going to be able to climb that high, but next cycle, we're doing it.
	I'm getting to rank 100.
	I'm going to be a fantasy football champion and a big boy at Marvel Snap.
	And I am crying, and these are tears of joy.
	I have not thrown my life away.
	No, I feel good about everything that's going on right now.
	Just excellent.
	Absolutely excellent.
	Nothing but winners here.
	Nothing but winners.
	The absolute biggest winner.
	I've always said this about Marvel Snap.
	When people play Marvel Snap, everyone's winning.
	I'm a known lover of Marvel Snap.
	Yeah.
	All right.
	Well, that's going to do it for us for this week.
	It is time for us to dust off our hoverboards.
	That's right.
	We're going back to hoverboards and we're going to get on them and we're going to slowly wheel ourselves out of Hellworld for the week.
	Thank you so much for listening to the show.
	And thank you so much to our special guest host, Hayley.
	Normally, we wait to tell everyone where we can be found on social media.
	But before everybody runs away from the podcast, tell the people where you can be found on your social media.
	Um, I'm ArizonaRightWingWatch on Twitter, and I'm also on Mastodon and Post, so you can find me there.
	There you go.
	It's like AZ underscore RWW.
	You can find me.
	Uh, Twitter and all of the newer, cooler, harder-to-use places than Twitter.
	They're so fucking hard!
	Get better!
	Yeah, just, like, just rip off Twitter, but, like, do it without Elon Musk, and then everybody will just use it, because that was what Twitter was.
	Yeah.
	Let me just, like, figure it out, idiots.
	Anyway, thank you Hayley for joining us this week.
	If you like the show and you want to continue to support us, you can do so for free by giving us a five-star review or a thumbs up or whatever the algorithm demands on you from your podcast platform of choice.
	If you have money and you want to support the show, you can do so by visiting our Patreon at patreon.com slash PokerPolitics.
	If you have $5 or more a month to spare, you can donate at that tier to get access to all of our bonus content, including our Litany of Series, where we go across QAnon, pop media, including Cobbolin, and what we do at Our Shadows, and Mule's Errand, and at some point when we get back to it, Queam, and other stuff that we've got in the works coming up.
	So $5 a month or more if you want to jump in on that, or if you have money and you don't want to give it to us, you can do good with it by donating it at love146.org, They're an organization whose vision is the end of child trafficking and exploitation.
	That's always sounded pretty rad to us, because we're heroes, and give us credit for that by giving us, or them, your money.
	Shout out to DJ Minimal Effort for use of our intro song, as always.
	Unfortunately, still no social media for them, not even a mastodon like all of the other cool kids.
	What a loser DJ Minimal Effort is.
	Just kidding, I love him, and thank you for use of our intro song.
	Our buddy Frosty, like the rest of us, still on Twitter for the time being.
	You can find him at FrostyVO.
	He is, of course, the voice of Q in all of our bumps, etc.
	When we need some voice work, we turn to him.
	Most of the time.
	Unless it's a lady, which has never happened yet.
	Because why would it?
	We're dealing with the American Conservative.
	The ladies are too busy making babies.
	That's what the seminars are about.
	Duh.
	You can find the show on Twitter until Elon craters it completely.
	I am at Hellworld L. Sarge, who is no longer with us because he is dead, just kidding, he's just busy, is at Sgt.
	Hell.
	And Mike Rains is, of course, at Poker Politics.
	So, for another quote-unquote successful episode of the Adventures of Hellwork Podcast, I have been one of your regular hosts, the Mysterious Al, joined by off-the-top-rope mysterious guest host who wasn't mysterious because we announced beforehand Haley, aka Arizona Right-Wing Watch, and of course our expert in all things QAnon crazy and the guy who takes the folding chair out from under the ring and then bashes the referee with it or whatever, Mr. Mike Rains.

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