Adventures in HellwQrld Episode #118: Trump NFT's and Taxes!
Trump is back in the spotlight and he's selling some scam NFT's. On top of that his taxes are starting to be reported on and the 1/6 committee wants to see him face charges. Also Elon Musk is still insane and Sarge, L, and Mike get sidetracked into a way too long discussion about Star Trek and holodecks. Get bonus content on PatreonSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/hellwqrld. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
The Adventures in Hellworld podcast talks in depth about QAnon, which means we have to talk about all kinds of child abuse and violence against people.
Listener discretion advised.
Hello, everybody.
I am Mike Rains, a.k.a.
Poker and Politics, and welcome to another episode of Adventures in Hellworld.
I am joined, as always, by Sarge.
Sarge, the pixel variant that you didn't want, but they just keep giving to you.
That's how I feel about it every time I see the surge cards pop up in my collector's reserves.
For the record, Merryperson also hates the Pixlr variants.
Yes!
If they would just make the text on the card pixel as well, it's just this huge, like, disgusting violation of Every graphic design rule.
They've been secretly going in and replacing some of the more offensive pixel variants with better ones.
Like, they just don't say anything.
They've gone in and replaced the artwork on a couple of them.
Yeah, I mean, personally, my biggest problem with them was that they all looked terrible and that they sucked and that they were just bad pieces of art that looked amateurish that I feel like I could have done.
Yeah.
So no, I won't be spending any premium currency on that, and I'll be disappointed when I randomly unlock one.
I'm like, oh, I think I'm never going to use.
Thanks, I hate it.
The only use of pixel variants is that they allow you to just use your boosters to upgrade from, like, base to green to blue.
And you're like, oh cool, I can get more collector levels off of this terrible card.
I will never play because it looks like shit.
Yeah, they're just like little XP repositories.
Yes, exactly.
That's exactly what they are.
We still haven't mentioned, we're recording a podcast, we haven't even mentioned the game that we're talking about that is not the subject of the state of the world that we're supposed to be talking about.
Right.
The game, Marvel Snap.
The thing that's distracting us from QAnon.
QAnon. Yes!
Both of these things are accurate, but thankfully QAnon has gotten involved in Marvel Snap.
They're involved in all sorts of other frivolity, but not that.
Oh, I guarantee that they are also involved in that.
At the very least, when Snap released, it was pretty popular.
I guess a lot of people, once a lot of people realized how the monetization was gonna work, they fled like rats for Burning Ship.
Leading all the people who already knew what the monetization pipeline was gonna be like, who had beta tested it, and already tried to warn everyone, just sit there and silently shake their heads, and just be like, we tried to tell you, you idiots.
You absolute fools!
It would be better if one of the idiots warning us wasn't such a just an annoying d-bag.
Hey man, even an annoying d-bag is right sometimes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Speaking of annoying d-bags, I guess it's time for us to stop resting on our loyals.
Or laurels.
Our loyals.
We're resting on our loyals!
Yes!
We're resting on our loyals!
Anyway, it's time for us to get into our amuse-bouche.
It's time for a light sampling of insanity.
Get ready for the amuse-bouche.
Amuse-bouche.
Oh man, it's time for the... I mean, I have a bunch of jokes in mind, but I feel like they're all too sexist to say in the year of our Lord 20 and 23.
So I guess instead of doing any of those, I just have to say it's time for the regular gender non-specific fight of the century between Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene.
I went through like a roulette wheel of different options and they all seemed like I was going to get cancelled.
They all seemed like landlines.
It was great.
Well, we have to be someone before we can get cancelled.
Hey, I can get cancelled for Polite Society just fine.
And these are my favourite ways to use the N-word.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
And there went El, never to be seen again.
Yeah, he got poochied back to his home planet.
It's always been a two-minute podcast, what are you talking about?
It's like one of the Chapo guys, I think it was Brianna Joy, had a podcast called Bad Faith, and then that guy got outed as a groomer, like a legitimate groomer, and he just vanished from the podcast.
She never commented on what happened.
It's always been a solo pod.
I don't know what you're talking about!
Yeah, never heard of that guy.
Back to something to get back on topic.
So, friends of the podcast, by which I mean enemies of the podcast, or at the very least people the podcast shits all over, Bobert and Green, you know the two, they're in a bit of a spat.
No, as if I wasn't already more attracted to Bobert.
This bat, if I recall from what I've seen in headlines, is actually her talking about Marjorie Taylor Greene, is completely off the rails in a lot of her beliefs.
Mike, what's going on between these two titans of QAnon lady representation?
Yeah, so you have the Boebert side of it, and after she said that, Marjorie decided to, as the kids would say, clap back by saying, I have supported and donated to Lauren Boebert.
President Trump has supported and donated to Lauren Boebert.
Kevin McCarthy supported and donated to her.
She barely came through with 500 votes.
Ooh, take that!
You can barely win an election, Lauren!
Way to suck at politics!
I mean, that is a pretty sick bird, politically speaking.
Like, in the political sphere, the goalposts are such that that does equate to a pretty sick bird.
Yes.
And then Marjorie continued saying she gladly takes our money in the form of cash, cash signs, not emojis.
But when she's asked, she refuses to endorse President Trump.
She refuses to endorse Kevin McCarthy.
And she childishly threw me under the bus for a cheap soundbite.
The country is facing extremely difficult times.
Americans expect conservative fighters like us to work together to save America.
And that is the only mission I'm 100% devoted to, not high school drama and media soundbites.
Save America!
Defeat the Democrats!
Good one.
How do you think Laura and Bobert have a point to be the good guy in an argument?
I hate having to say that she is correct, but she's correct on all fronts.
Yes.
And also, she's making the more wise decision in just being like, Donald Trump, he's great.
And they're just like, do you officially endorse him?
And she's just like, Donald Trump is great.
And they're like, but is that an official endorsement?
She's like, bay!
Okay, goodbye!
Smoke bomb.
Yeah, so it's just like, you know, playing both sides is better than just still being on Team Trump for reasons that we'll be getting to later on in the show.
But yeah, so I mean, I guess if I had to pick a side here, which I don't, but I will anyway, I'm Team Fogart, as I've always been Team Fogart.
Yeah.
Let's go get cotton candy together.
I'm just imagining the rom-com montage scene of Elle and Bobert at the local carnival with two giant heapings of cotton candy.
Elle knocking down the milk jugs to win her a giant teddy bear and all that good stuff as the meet-cute progresses into the first date scene.
Yeah, she, uh, Boebert claimed, she said, I quote, don't believe in Jewish space lasers.
Oh, take that!
I mean, yeah, that is a thing.
I mean, assuming that's not coming from nowhere and then MTG still is on team.
Yes, I do believe in Jewish space lasers.
Like, chuck up a big dub for Boebert.
Yeah.
Like, again, in the political sphere, these are pretty sick birds, right?
I mean, it's been, like, some inter-party conflicting.
It's just like, geez.
But, yeah, I mean, everybody's, like, everybody who's still got their wagon hitched to Donald Trump at this point is just like...
It's so sad.
What is this Stockholm Syndrome effect that he has on these people?
It's wild.
It is truly wild.
Just the iron grip that Trump has on so many people.
I just truly don't understand it.
Like, you have DeSantis, who's literally on his hands and knees, crawling to QAnon, begging them, please love me!
I'm commissioning anti-vaccine panels in Florida!
I'm doing everything I can for you people, why won't you love me?
And QAnon and MTG and all these other people are like, nope!
Trump's our man.
Always and forever.
Go away, tiny, nasally-voiced dude.
You just can't fill Orange Daddy's shoes.
I'm sorry, man.
And it's really incredible that they're just going to go off this cliff with Trump, no matter what.
Oh yeah, I mean, like, just, I guess to jump to the next news item, his Trump card sold out!
Like, they literally, uh, I want to say he got 4, no, it was 1.4 million from him.
No, I think it was 4 million.
It was 4 million?
Yeah, the numbers were all very round.
and they were just like they sold out immediately it was incredible it was such a that was just like did they though i don't know i mean i feel like if they weren't selling at all you couldn't exactly admit that you would just have to lie and say they all sold out they quietly hit the stop selling button and just be like yeah we made four billion dollars it was great anyway see ya and then it's just like okay uh do you want to give me some receipts for that they're just like no no we do not Or maybe they did sell out, because that's the world that we live in.
Well, and a bunch of them had prizes attached to them, like a dinner with Trump at Mar-a-Lago, but you had to provide your own shipping not included.
You had to get yourself there and pay to put yourself up, presumably at Mar-a-Lago.
And also pay for the food.
Yeah!
And a $25,000 Donald Trump appearance fee.
See, I don't know if you're joking or not.
I don't.
I don't know a fucking thing about these cards, Mike.
That's why Mike is here.
And I'm assuming that Mike, he looks like he's looking at a screen of some sort as we speak.
God, I have to imagine he's looking up what the Trump cards were.
No, I was looking at more of the scandals around them because there are numerous NFTs that were literally stolen artwork from other sources, some of which actually had watermarks from those sources still in the Trump NFT.
So, like, you can't actually own that thing because Trump didn't have a legal right to sell it to you in the first place.
So it's even more worthless than a bored ape would have been.
Because it's like, hey, I have this NFT of astronaut Trump.
It's got to be worth a fucking shit ton.
And it's like, actually, no, because Trump didn't have the rights to that art.
So No, you actually own literally nothing.
You just gave Trump money for a screenshot.
That's all you did.
In the sense that it is worth the price of the paper that it's printed on, which is zero, because there is no paper.
Yes!
You get nothing.
Good day, sir.
And so other people have brought up the fact that Trump had this weird limit about how many NFTs you could buy that would cap you out at $9,900, which is explicitly below the $10,000 price point where the IRS starts looking at a purchase.
So that is...
Being in the casino industry, we have to deal with money laundering because that's a thing that people can do in casinos.
And so every year we have to go through this compliance thing where we are told, here's what money laundering looks like.
Be on the lookout for money laundering.
And what Trump is doing is literally called structuring.
Where you understand what will trigger a review by governmental agencies, and you...
Layer your purchases or transactions such that you avoid that.
Like, let's say for the sake of argument, you know that $6,000 worth of transactions with a casino in a 12-hour period will trigger some sort of like flag on your account.
So you only do $3,500 in a 12-hour window, wait, and then do $3,500 in the next 12-hour window, and you keep doing that.
At which point we would flag you anyways, because that's structuring, and we know you're trying to get around it.
It's very obvious.
Yeah, it's very obvious why you're stopping at that number.
We know why you're stopping there.
So the fact that Trump was like, you can buy exactly $9,900 worth of these NFTs in one shot, winky winky, is just like, this is such an overt money laundering scam.
It's not even funny.
And SNL did the cold open about his NFTs.
It's pretty funny.
And the thing is, a lot of that SNL cold open was not even hyperbole.
Trump actually said in his opening speech that he's a better president than Lincoln and Washington.
Just outright.
True, true.
Guy who founded America, guy who got us through the Civil War, fucking pikers compared to me.
Cry me McGee, you thieving president!
Truly, the greatest of all presidents.
Yeah, a one-term president who was somehow impeached twice.
Like, he's got twice as many impeachers as he has terms as president.
I mean, if Trump says it, it must be true.
And that's just the truth for his, I don't know, let's call it fan base?
Like... All of the totally legit people who couldn't wait to get a Trump NFT of him, like, shooting a laser out of his face or whatever.
And definitely not a bunch of mysterious corporations like Trump is great!
LLC.
I would like exactly one of those, please.
And it's just like, wow, a lot of these random LLCs really love these NFTs.
NFTs for LLCs, bud!
I hadn't really thought about that.
I mean, that is how a bunch of those like...
Tucker Carlson books keep making it on the New York Times.
They buy like 100,000 copies and then they sit around at Fox News headquarters.
Oh, they donate them for free!
That's exactly what happens.
These, like, Turning Point USA and all these other right-wing grift corps buy all the books at, like, sticker price for a loss.
They put it in a warehouse and then, like, two, three months later they're like, join Turning Point for $15!
Get a free Tucker Carlson book!
I mean, Yeah, Trump needed to find a new way to make some quick cash now that he can't just squeeze money out of Herschel Walker's failed campaign anymore.
That wrapped up and he was just like, oh man, I need a grift.
And he was just like, what are these NFTs?
I heard some young person talking about an NFT.
I got the itch.
I need a grift.
Oh god.
I haven't drifted in like a day.
If I don't steal some money from somebody in an illegal fashion, I get a headache.
It's like a stress urge.
Also, this way is quasi-legal.
Oh yeah.
We were talking about it.
He's smart enough to be bringing the game in his favor.
What an absolute... He's playing fifth-divisional chess.
Whoa!
Yeah, another report I saw indicated that the company that was quote-unquote running this operation is based out of an address in Wyoming, and a million scam corporations also come from that exact same place.
People that have tried to defraud the government, people that told folks that like, you need credit, buy us, get a secured credit card from us.
You give us like $200, $300, we will give you a credit card with that security deposit, like backing it.
And people would give them the money and they would never get the card.
They would just rip them off.
And so like... Yeah.
Yeah, so this is the neighborhood that Trump is housing his NFT corporation in.
So, totally trustworthy, 100% legit, no worries.
I mean, about as trustworthy and legit as any NFT is, am I right?
Like, come on, at the end of the day.
Like, how are those Bored Apes people doing?
How are they feeling right now?
Well, I mean, Jimmy Fallon and a bunch of other...
No, you may not pay off your lawsuit in BordApe.
Yeah, for promoting crypto nonsense.
And as well, they should be getting sued.
I can't wait for them to lose a bunch of people, real actual physical currency.
No, you may not pay off your lawsuit in BordApe.
It's worthless.
The best part about that NFT lawsuit is that Larry David literally played a character
who didn't understand crypto and wasn't into it and is now being sued for backing crypto.
So it's just like, way to go, Larry David.
You playing the confused contrarian in the crypto ad has gotten you sued for your endorsement of crypto.
Yeah, congratulations.
It's worth as much as Confederate Scrip is, so enjoy that.
Or Iraqi dinars, which are going to be recalibrated any day now.
I mean, they're both going to be recalibrated any day now.
I'm going to be so rich.
I like Porky Pig to say the word any there.
That was interesting.
It sounded like an engine turning over.
It was great.
Anyway, if Donald Trump wants my money, he needs to make a trading card game and not like, not NFTs.
I want to play like the Donald Trump trading card game.
I would be like, dude, the six cost Ivanka.
She's broken.
Oh man, that'd be great.
Yeah, you create the Marvel Snap.
We just need an auto-fighter Trump game.
God, that would be the perfect way to rope all the QAnon people into our grift, is to just create a game with half of their grifter friends, and then Michael Flynn and Dinesh.
Janet O can be a card.
Oh God, that'd be so great.
And we could get into bed with an NFT corporation and it would actually be helpful for the brand because they would love that because they are rooms who are getting fleeced.
Yes, by us.
The client could like, we could just be like, oh, the client is very poorly optimized, but actually the client is using their system to buy Bitcoin for us.
Exactly.
That's the dream.
We're getting closer to achieving our final form as actual grifters who just viciously sell out good, honest people to just make a quick buck by scamming QAnon folks.
We can do it.
I can't wait!
If the government wants to stop us, they can head us off by just letting us hit Powerball.
I do occasionally pick up a Powerball ticket.
Like, if it's like two billion dollars, yeah, I'll take a shot.
I'll take my one in like a trillion shot.
Same.
Same.
So, whoever wants to rig that in our favor, they will ward off three incredible grifters.
How are people still getting into bed with fucking crypto?
With, like, Sam Bankman Freed going... He's, like, days away from going to jail for forever.
Because the NFT community, or the crypto community, is represented by two separate yet equally important black idiots.
The ones who are true believers, who are not going to let anything like that rock their boat.
And the people that don't know enough about crypto, aside from the fact that it was apparently hot so they bought some.
Neither of who care about the stuff going on with Juicy Bacon Freed.
I don't remember his name.
There's something Freed.
I think.
Sam Big Bit Freed.
There we go.
That's what I said.
Juicy Burger Freed.
Yeah.
You nailed it.
Yeah, exactly.
Oh, man.
Anyway, yeah.
So unfortunately, the people that like crypto, they're not going to let a little thing like a whole crypto exchange going under and almost dragging the entire thing down with it.
Stop there.
They're not going to let it step on their groove.
A whole crypto.
These are people who are still thinking that GameStop is going to the moon.
It's like, dude, GameStop went to the moon one more time than was ever necessary or expected.
Congratulations if you were there.
But the moon is a place where GameStop will no longer go.
Yeah, that's done now.
Yeah, GameStop is no longer making stops at the following locations.
The moon.
But this is the thing about those kinds of grifts and those communities, is that failure doesn't deter them.
I mean, Q and QAnon promoters have made so many predictions of so many big payoffs, and it never happens.
And they just keep rolling with it.
They just keep rolling with it.
Trust the plan.
Just keep going.
They just keep rolling, rolling, rolling.
I mean, it's what the people who say HODL and stuff like that.
It's like, hey, just because the stock's currently tanking, hey, it's going to turn around any day now.
Buy the dip.
I mean, let's do this.
And it's just, guess what?
Sometimes the dip is just, it doesn't stop.
The dip is eternal.
It's like Tesla stock.
Well, I'll go out on a word of advice for those people.
For those who like their misspelled sayings, for the HODL crowd, I have a different misspelled saying.
Jopka Jopka, donkeys always draw.
That one is for Mike Rains and maybe like three other people.
Anyway, enough of this horseshit.
Let's get to our news headline segment of goodness and headlines and news.
And more news!
From the digital headlines to the digital front lines, it's Q's in the News.
He's back, baby!
We're still talking about Donald Trump.
Shocking no one.
There's been a lot of Trump-related news this week.
If you thought him doing not a trading card game was the biggest faux pas he could get mixed up in, oh boy howdy.
It turns out that the January 6th committee has got a little something to say about that.
For more on that, let's turn it over to Mike Rains, who's got the actual knowledge about such things, as I have only seen headlines to the effect.
Yes, so the 1-6 committee has decided that Donald Trump, along with being the first ever twice-indicted, twice-impeached president, is now the first president to be referred for criminal prosecution by a congressional committee, and they put him on four different counts, and they're basically asking Jack Smith to, you know, Get off your ass and charge this prick and let's get this ball rolling.
So that's going to be very exciting that we have that going on.
We have more people meeting in Georgia for the voter intimidation that went on there.
We had Hope Hicks testifying before testimony from the one six committee that was revealed where the days before January 6th, she and others were telling Trump Yo, Donnie, tell the crowd to be peaceful.
Make it clear that they should not do the violence.
And Trump was like, yeah, go piss off a rope.
Not interested in telling my fans not to be violent.
So they're coming from every direction.
Because they have his taxes in Congress now, which is a whole other kettle of fish.
The January 6th committee is referring him for prosecution, and then the Georgia voter intimidation is a whole separate deal, right?
Yes, absolutely.
So, Trump was referred for obstruction of an official proceeding of Congress, conspiracy to defraud the United States, conspiracy to make a false statement, and incite, assist, or aid in comfort and insurrection.
That feels like a big old one.
That feels like one of those laws that's been on the books since day one.
Like George Washington himself been that one.
Or maybe they didn't have that one on the books, and then the Whiskey Rebellion happened, and after Washington, as our only president to ever lead an army in the field, after crushing the Whiskey Rebellion, was like, hey, wait a minute, we gotta make it really fucking clear, you can't do that again.
Let's write that one down.
No, no, no.
Yeah, no more of that shit.
That shit, no bueno.
So yeah, let's take care of that.
So this is all well and good, but this sort of thing isn't binding, correct?
This is just, like, essentially an official government rebuke?
Yeah.
I mean, the thing is, criminal referrals are, in another light, criminal referrals are meaningless, because every now and then you'll hear some dumb-dumb, like Matt Gaetz being like, I went to Bill Barr and I told him that Fauci should be prosecuted for the Argylbargyl!
And it's a good way to drum up fundraising and stuff like that, but being that this was kind of like the January 6th Committee's final act, this had a more gravitas to it, where they were like, okay, this is all the work we've done, and by the way, you really need to charge Trump with some shit, because we literally spent, I don't know, the last half year telling the American people, here is all the Here is all the crimey shit Trump did and we should probably actually take him to court over it and hopefully convict him and send him to jail for these things that he has done.
Like, on the one hand, it is nothing.
On the other hand, it is also kind of important, because, I mean, all the tea-leaf reading of all the stuff Jack Smith's been doing since he took the job seems to be indicating that things are moving forward with Trump actually being fucked here, unlike QAnon, where they're like, oh, Hillary's going down any day now, and it's like, what's Durham actually doing to indicate that?
He's losing court cases, but don't you worry, Durham is coming.
He's gonna get her!
He's gonna get her!
He's gonna get everybody!
It's happening.
You know, it's happening.
Oh, God, Durham.
He's losing so good.
I actually saw some guy who was like, do you think Durham actually lost his cases?
And he had like lost in quotation marks.
And it was like, yeah, he did.
That's how that works.
Like you don't try cases against people to prove some tin gentle point.
That is what we call reckless prosecution.
That's like abuse.
That's literal abuse of power.
I wasn't actually trying to send you to jail.
I just wanted to make the FBI look bad.
Then you could have made the FBI look bad.
You didn't have to indict me and make me pay for lawyers to defend myself from going to jail in court.
I was only kidding!
I'm Durham!
I'm a prankster!
I'm wacky!
In order for them to have the proper amount of copia when anything that they want to happen doesn't happen, Like, everyone in their mythos has to be some sort of super, like, super extra smart genius that's thinking 25 steps ahead.
And then, oh, 25 steps later, it's just like, well, actually, they were always thinking 50 steps ahead.
So, don't worry, 25 steps from now, we'll get to the big prestige, with it just being like, and for that reason, and Hunter Biden's laptop, which I have produced physically, and have, here it is, and you may look upon it, and here it is, I've dubbed all of it.
Chain of custody?
What's that?
And look at this Hillary Clinton face carving video.
I've got so much evidence you don't even know.
Oh my god, it's so crazy.
I'm rotten with evidence.
I reek of evidence.
I even have the Michelle Obama whitey tape.
Oh, the deepest of deep cuts.
I'm drooling on this thing.
I've got the ghost of our founding fathers literally building a hanging platform on Capitol Hill as we speak.
Oh, man.
If only QAnon's heroes were as powerful as QAnon makes them out to be, it would truly be a titanic struggle to actually defeat these people and to push them back.
To be like, no, QAnon, no!
You're not allowed to MAGA!
You're not allowed to trigger the Great Awakening!
We defy you!
And it's like, no, actually...
Like, literally all Durham did was get one guy to take a plea deal with no jail time and then lose two court cases, and in a few months he's gonna submit something to the Republican House of Representatives about how, those Democrats sure look bad, don't they?
And Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene and Gohmert and all the other, and Gosart and all the other schmucks are gonna be like, oh, I can't believe the scandalous revelations of this Durham report!
Oh, oh my stars!
And Can we see them?
No, shut up.
No, no.
And then they will fundraise off this shit, and then they will vanish into the night, like so much wind and ghosts, and that'll be the end of it.
So, but yeah, but just, just keep, just keep hoping, just keep hoping, keep hope alive, don't give up, QAnon.
Meanwhile, I would say, I mean, kind of my over-under for this actually to pay off is probably around like March, April of next year for Trump to be indicted.
If it doesn't happen by then, then fuck Jack Smith, fuck Garland, fuck the DOJ.
You have failed America and me.
Me being more important than America.
I don't know, it could move a little faster than that with them referring it down.
We're post the election.
They definitely wanted to wait until after the election. So this didn't
energize anyone. And now they've got him. I'm not gonna say where they want him, but now they can push forward and
start prosecuting him.
Well yeah, but there's about to be a transition of power where Republicans are about to seize some of the reins and they can cause any number of disasters to happen to take all focus away from putting Donald Trump in prison and suddenly that will get back-burnered for a while.
No, they certainly can.
But I think a lot of the Republicans are seeing that Trump isn't the ticket anymore.
And they're like, hey, if we just let this go forward, we can yell about how much we hate it.
Well, also getting him away from anywhere near the wheel.
Like, we just need him to not touch the wheel anymore, and be allowed to say, we don't think it's right that he's not allowed to touch the wheel.
Well, okay, so everything landed where it has.
I believe, as a podcast unit, we had previously come to the conclusion that there's no way Donald Trump sees the inside of a prison cell.
Now that this official recommendation has come down, has that changed the bath for either of you folks?
Do you think Trump actually goes to any sort of actual prison in his lifetime?
I don't know.
Yeah, it's real hard to say exactly what you get to that point.
The thing is, I just wonder if They go to him and they're like, here's all the evidence we have against you.
You are fucked.
If they work out some ridiculous deal where he like spends like three years in house arrest wearing an ankle bracelet and he promises not to run for president.
And they call it a day?
Or do they actually... Does the DOJ and the Biden administration and all these people decide that they're actually going to play hardball with this prick?
They're actually going to hope that they can get a jury that doesn't have one-pilled idiot on it that will keep Trump from getting it convicted?
I just wonder, that roll of the dice.
One-pilled idiot?
Yeah, that's the name of the movie!
It's just you know that that like literally the moment Trump gets indicted and they talk about his court case that like everybody who's in like whatever section of America it is is like gonna be like oh I hope they pick me for jury duty I'm gonna be the best juror ever I'm gonna get in there and I'm gonna fucking save Donnie yeah so I I just I I just really wonder, like, if the government ways like making Trump take a lesser deal and we just get him out of our hair is better than throwing the book at him and risking the pilled idiot just fucking throwing your case away because you just have 11 people glaring at this one moron wearing a Q hat and that guy's like, not guilty!
Trust the plan!
And it's like, fuck, really?
It's like, goddammit.
Way to not void dear correctly, you stupid prosecutors, you pieces of shit.
Listen, you can never be president again, but we'll let you grift off the idiots.
You just, you just gotta go away.
You can't be president anymore.
Ever again.
But you can keep, like, selling him steaks with your name on it and all that other dumb shit.
Or just generally being a talking head that people paid for their opinion for some reason
And then you say some dumb shit and everyone's just like wise words from an old raisin
I live only for one day someone to say that about me when I when I do political commentary. I
I guess it's more like one of those dehydrated peach things you could get, you know what I mean?
Or just orange and leathery.
It's gonna be great.
So good.
Yeah.
If you had told me that some of my favorite parts about this week's podcast would be imagining the way Donald Trump
looks, under any circumstances, I would have told you that you were crazy.
But yeah, here we are.
Oh, so we had made a mention about his NFT speech.
Trump managed to, like, Overshadow another speech that he made with the NFT shit, where he did a six minute speech about his freedom of speech platform that he was going to enact once he became president.
And let me tell you, if you watch that six minute video, holy shit.
I mean, all that talk about, oh, Joe Biden and the dementia, and oh, he ain't going to make it, and they're going to 25th Amendment him and sneak Kamala in for the pure socialism.
I don't know why Kamala Harris is like super socialist, but that's the conspiracy theory.
You watch that six minute video and it's like, I don't know if Trump's going to be alive at the end of these six minutes.
This is a man who is struggling hard.
There were numerous edits, like just because they had like camera one, which was like dead on him.
And then they had camera two, which was like a 45 degree angle on one side of his face.
And they would just cut from camera one to camera two randomly.
And sometimes the audio wouldn't sync up.
So he was really loud on camera one that he's way quieter on camera Yeah, I don't understand.
He is one of, he's possibly, and this is amazing, the worst public speaker we've had in a president.
And I'm including Biden.
Biden like gobbles his words all the time too, but Trump just goes on these rambling diatribes that I've never understood.
I hate listening to him talk.
Yeah, I mean, it's sort of like the difference between grandpa with a point and grandpa without a point.
Yeah, I mean, as everyone's pointed out, Biden has fought a lifelong stutter.
There are people out there who will say, literally, you can see things that Biden does to overcome a stutter.
It's an actual tactics you could know.
Whereas Trump is just a guy who's reading the teleprompter for like five minutes and he's like, ah, fuck it, this is boring.
Let's talk about something else and just And then suddenly the teleprompter just has to stop because Grandpa's going on a ramble.
We're not talking about me.
Why aren't we talking about me, Trump?
I don't want to talk about friggin' the border crisis or like fentanyl.
I don't even know what fentanyl is.
Let's talk about this time I made a great business deal when I was doing real estate, or my time on The Apprentice when I made all those people kiss my ass so they could get a job with me.
That was awesome!
I'm the best.
Oh, wait, Jared's looking at me cross-eyed.
I need to get back on the teleprompter now.
Or Ivanka is going to be mad at me when I get off stage.
Okay, let me read the teleprompter a little more now.
And then like, again, like five minutes pass.
You're like, ah, I'm bored of the teleprompter again.
Time to talk about the scorpion.
Time to talk about the snake.
Ah, it's my favorite story.
I love it.
Story time with Trump.
It's the best.
It's just like, oh my God.
Speaking of Jared, hanging out with Elon and Saudi princes.
Oh yeah.
Fuck!
That should be news!
Like, I mean, we know that they had dealings with the Saudis, but this should be bigger news that Elon and Jared were there looking dead-faced and soulless at one of the hypest soccer matches apparently ever, and they're just like, buuuuuh, and Jared making hard eye contact with the camera in a booth full of Saudi princes.
Yeah.
Yeah, I was talking to one of my friends about how he was complaining about mistakes that he had made in life and so on and so forth.
And I was like, well, at least you didn't buy Twitter for $44 billion like a moron.
And he's like, well, I wish we would have had that money.
Do you wish that you don't have to look over your shoulder for a Saudi hit squad coming for you any day now?
Because you're in hock to the MBS for billions of dollars, and that guy doesn't play.
And my brother's like, oh yeah, that's true.
At least I don't have to worry about the Bonesaw crew coming for me.
Yeah, that your Tesla stock is down at a historic two-year low, and everyone is like, Hey, quit fucking around with Twitter.
You're ruining two businesses here.
Because the electric auto market is bang at Elon's heels.
All he did with Tesla is show them that electric cars, people want them.
And got the infrastructure put out there, and that as long as they don't blow up, people will buy them.
And now Ford is like, Ford has an electric truck on the market, and I'm here to tell you, if you pre-order that fucking Tesla truck, good luck.
I hope you get it in the next two years, because I don't think you will.
Oh yeah, and Ford's going to have an all-electric Mustang soon.
I mean, basically all the major car companies are just getting into the EV market, and that was Tesla's whole thing.
It was like, buy a luxury EV because we're the only ones making such things, and they're not very well made.
The autopilot runs over children.
Yeah, Tesla keeps, like, taking L's so other automakers don't have to.
They're just like, God, these Teslas keep blowing up and running over kids.
And they're like, hey, other automakers, you want to put in self-driving?
And they're like, we fucking do not!
We absolutely do not!
We're going to let Tesla keep killing children, and then when they go under, we'll buy all their research.
No, we don't want to put in self-driving.
You idiots are going to have to drive yourselves for the next five to ten years until Tesla kills at least ten more kids.
I think it's cute that you think Tesla's gonna go under.
It's just gonna lose enough value where, like, Ford or someone is just going to buy them.
Oh, yeah.
When I say go under, it's all these people.
They're never gonna go bankrupt.
And then it'll be like the new Tesla, a Ford company.
Yeah.
It'll be like, buy your Tesla electric vehicle.
Then, like, at the end of the day, it's Papa Ford counting those stacks.
Yeah.
Elon Musk is, like, begging for soup outside.
See, I never think, like, Elon's never gonna be broke.
He has too much money.
He's never going under.
Tesla will never go under.
There's value in the brand and the research.
Someone will buy Tesla when it drops low enough.
A to get Elon again away from the wheel and B all the work they've done is worth way more than the actual company and people like the cars they don't so much like Elon anymore he's really shitting on his legacy if he just kept making cars and rockets We like he would have been buried a hero and yeah, that was the thing I posted today was that like literally Tesla stock was valued as high as it was for numerous reasons.
But the main reason was that Elon was like this cool visionary guy who did cool visionary shit.
And over the last six months he's basically revealed himself to just be rich.
Alex Jones!
I'm just an idiot with a pile of money, a right-wing axe to grind, and absolutely no idea what's going on in the world.
Yeah, he's just a monorail guy.
I bet Successful Monorails in North Ogdenville!
And North Haverbrook, exactly!
It's just, yeah, he's gone from being like the cool, awesome billionaire guy who's gonna take us to Mars and terraform a planet and save humanity, to literally screaming about chemicals in the water turning frogs gay.
I mean, it's just...
This ridiculous... It's so weird that these are the people that he just was so desperate for attention from.
That Iles Manchong and Cat Turd and Jack Posebeck and Mike Cernovich.
Just all the... The quartering.
Yeah, the quarter... the quartering!
He was like crying in his beard.
No, Elon!
You're the most important man who's ever... Desperate.
All of these guys just... it's so pathetic.
And it's like, do you guys read your own tweets before you send them out?
Just like...
I don't understand how... Elon must be a Ken doll, with all these people sucking his dick clean off.
Like, it can't be there anymore.
Oh no, oh god, he is smooth and barren.
Oh, there is nothing there anymore.
I'm afraid I have to disagree, because I've heard there's a great fact that he has a malformed penis.
And it's gone!
They all took it like a fairytale!
No, it's still there.
It grows back.
Every night?
For every one stalk that gets sucked clean off, two stalks grow back.
It's like a hydra.
Yes!
That's how he understands that people could be able to discern it's his penis directly, after even the briefest, most involuntary glance.
I hear if you look at it directly, you don't turn into stone, you turn into, let's say jello?
Jello sounds right.
You're roping the name brand of Jell-O into this.
Time to get sued, us.
Jell-O's not coming after anyone.
They're just hoping everyone forgets their association with Bill Cosby.
Big Jell-O is going to be knocking down our door.
They're going to be like, this is the new woke Jell-O.
People listening to this podcast, like three weeks after publication, will hear Sarge get into that riff, and then he'll just be, they'll turn into a pillar of gelatin, just horribly auto-tuned.
We might have to put in the text-to-speech voice in front of that spot, so we get the brand name out of there, and it's just gelatin.
They come to sue me, and I'm like, I'd like to submit, as my evidence, every episode of the Cosby Show, and they're just like, Well played, super attracted.
Oh, man.
I mean, obviously Bill Cosby is a far bigger monster than Elon is at the moment, but it's like, man, all those shows that let Elon wedge himself into them, like The Simpsons and Rick and Morty and all those people, they gotta be like, oh man, why did we let Elon do that?
This episode now, It feels a lot, it hits a lot different than it did before, back when Elon was cool.
Oh yeah, Star Trek, I've recently been on a watching Star Trek binge, and they're just like, the captain of their legendary spaceship is just like, the names of scientists that go down in history, and he goes, Musk, and it's just like, ooh, that aged like milk.
Uh, that's one of my favorite things about Star Trek and that shit is just when they don't keep up with modern times.
Like, like Star Trek is always playing like five card draw with wild cards for poker.
And it's like two years after that got filmed, Texas Hold'em just took over poker and destroyed it.
And any, any person who thinks of poker just thinks of Texas Hold'em.
And it's like, Oh man, 200 years from now we got back to five card draw.
Ain't that interesting?
When I was a kid, and I learned to play poker, the only thing I ever learned was five card draw.
I don't remember, it was probably around when you said it, Texas Hold'em like blew up, and I suppose it is the There's more mind games with Texas Hold'em than Five Card Draw, but, like, if you watch all the old movies, they're playing Five Card Draw, and then at a point, yeah, Texas Hold'em just takes over.
Yeah.
Yeah, but you gotta get with the times, old man.
Why would you regress to Five Card Draw?
Exactly.
It's like, yeah, it's like Five Card Draw in movies, rounders, all Texas Hold'em from there on out.
They should just rename it, like, Neptune Hold'em or something.
The odds of Klingon Hold'em are... yeah.
It's just like, what makes a difference in Texas Hold'em?
It's just like, nothing really.
It's just that none of these aliens know what a Texas is.
I do love the fake games they come up with in Star Trek.
The chest that's on like five different platforms is like, how is this different?
It's just really harder to look at the board.
There's a lot of verticality.
It's just annoying!
Yeah, that's all it is.
Well, that's because everybody in this hippy-dippy future has endless free time, because they don't have to work.
They're just like, yeah, we can add another hour and a half to chess, that seems fine, just because it's difficult to actually parse, but visually.
Can you imagine baseball in this world?
Oh my god, baseball in the Star Trek universe, where they just have an unlimited amount of time?
Holy crap.
Yeah, Futurama did it best.
They're like, this is a Blurrns ball, and they're like, oh, I think I got it.
The Blurrns is on third, and they're like, uh, fry nothing of what you said is accurate, except for the word Blurrns.
Also, I feel like if you have, like, people with an unlimited amount of time to pursue the arts, that their fashion should have been better.
A lot of that fashion was pre-made.
They didn't show me enough of what was supposed to be their paintings and stuff for me to know.
I didn't get to hear enough of their poetry.
But the bar should be pretty high for all that stuff.
Yeah, I mean, when literally all your life is literally a movie, like all of your entertainment should just be absolutely ridiculous.
And the Star Trek episodes that I need are the people overcoming crippling holodeck withdrawal addictions, because, I mean, that's the reality of the world.
It's the moment you've defeated the existence and you can just live any fantasy you want.
How do you ever leave the holodeck?
How does that happen?
So the, if I'm captain of a ship, the second time the fucking television room, Penny, stop.
The second time the television room takes over the goddamn ship, boom, uninstalled.
If you can't, if my crew can't, if you can't get by on books and oldie fashion movies.
Yeah, you pre-mute me immediately.
I would choke the life out of you myself if you took away the holodeck from me.
You'd be like, wow, both of your arms are really strong relative to the rest of your body.
And I'd just be like, yeah, I'm into holodeck a lot.
You dig?
That would be the last thing that you would see before you died was my very muscular arms.
Yeah, how many times did the goddamn holodeck take over the ship?
That's not okay for the TV room, the brothel room, to take over the ship because someone wanted to play Sherlock Holmes.
Talk shit, those are the dice you have to roll.
If I'm on an indefinite mission to alien planets, in theory, Captain Kirk notwithstanding, would these people get to these alien planets that are full of humanoids that just look like regular humans but they're blue and they're hot?
You're not supposed to have sex with them.
You're supposed to not do anything to them except observe them from afar and then leave them alone.
So you're going to try to mix that in with no holodeck?
Get out of here.
You'd have so many babies on the Enterprise, it would just be Baby Central.
Oh yeah, I mean, there'd be no way to handle the actual events of that kind of ship.
It's like why back in the good old days you didn't have women on pirate ships, but you
can't do that in Star Trek.
So yeah, you're going to be dealing with all kinds of relationships that are basically
caused because, well, I either date you or the Blue Lady and I shouldn't be touching
They also bring their kids along and have daycares and schools on the Enterprise, and the Enterprise is routinely getting into fucking, like, red alert combat situations with the goddamn Borg!
Shit happens, Jude!
It's dangerous out there in space!
That's why they have a holodeck to kick back!
Have sex with Genghis Khan or whatever.
And then sometimes Genghis Khan gets out of the room.
And people are like, oh my god, it's Genghis Khan.
And it's like, dude, he doesn't know where to face.
Face his ass.
I don't care if he's being on the light.
Shoot him.
And it's not just the Enterprise either.
Maybe it's, oh, maybe it's just the holodeck on the Enterprise that takes over the ship and kills people.
No, it fucking happens on Deep Space Nine and Voyager.
Just like, everywhere.
The holodeck is the least of their problems.
They have to deal with an actual god Q who shows up and he's just like, hey, the wacky stuff that's happening right now, it's not just holograms.
It's really happening because I'm like a god or whatever.
Yes.
Anyway, wow, what a jag.
We'll start trying to get a podcast in there for the true fans.
Let's move on to our last news item for the week.
It's talk.
It's talk to time about Carrie Lake.
Yes.
What's going on with Carrie?
Would you like to talk a time about Carrie Lake?
I would love to talk a time about Carrie Lake.
Carrie Lake and one of her misfit friends are in the midst of suing Arizona to try to have the election results overturned because that's a thing you do after you lose an election and you're a whiny piss baby who can't take no for an answer.
Mark Fincham, Another one of the losers in Arizona also filed a lawsuit that got laughed out of court.
But Kerry's lawsuit has been allowed to go forward.
She had numerous claims to make.
Most of them were rejected.
Two were allowed to stand, however.
So now, at the moment, I believe people are live streaming and live tweeting the case.
The problem for Carrie is that the standard of proof that she needs to win is what legal experts would like to call impossible.
The case, basically at this point, what she actually has to prove in court is that the people operating these machines operated intentionally and maliciously to screw her over.
Just basically, they have to get these people on the stand and be like, hey, did you screw over Carrie Lake intentionally?
And they're like, yes, I did.
And here's the code I did it with.
And then Carrie Lake wins.
And if that doesn't happen, she loses.
Carrie Lake had a big speech where she was talking about how we're gonna we're gonna make Katie Hobbs go on the stand and she has to know that perjury is a crime that is punishable by jail time so she's gonna have to be real real careful with her answers because she knows what she did and we know that I won the election fair and square and argle argle and then About six hours later, it was revealed that the Lake lawsuit group removed their subpoena for Katie Hobbs to testify because the only two counts that were allowed to stand involve Maricopa County exclusively, and they have nothing to do with the Secretary of State, who is Katie Hobbs.
So Katie Hobbs will not be testifying at this trial, no matter how much Carrie Lake screams and yells and whines about it.
Supposedly this trial is going to go today and tomorrow, but it could end today.
And again, this is 100% a scam.
Carrie knows she's going to lose.
There's no two ways about it.
The guy that was running for Attorney General, Abe Haberman, I can never say his name right.
Oh, good old Abe.
Yeah, a dishonest Abe is his opponent who beat him, like to call him repeatedly.
He got one count rejected from his lawsuit, but four counts that again are going to require an impossible bar for him to clear.
We're allowed to go to trial and he will be having a one-day trial on Friday that he will lose.
The two, Kerry and Abe, have been grifting and collecting donations and telling their audience that something big is gonna happen and Which is true.
It takes them forever to say anything.
is how we take them down and yargle rarg and it's like no you're just stealing money from
people and then when you lose you're gonna piss and moan about corrupt deep state judges
fucking you over and that the system's rigged and nobody can get a fair shake in uh Biden's
corrupt evil America and all that stuff so which is true it takes them forever to say
anything oh yeah so yeah i believe one person was asked on the stand did you screw up the
And he responded, no.
And bang, bang, bang, gavel, case closed.
Yeah, you lose.
Good day, sir.
Yeah.
It is just really hilariously sad how... Oh god, I'm reading someone pissing and moaning about how one guy that was Zoom-called into the lawsuit testified while wearing a t-shirt.
And they're like, he's disrespecting these proceedings!
It's like, no one cares.
You're lucky he wasn't topless.
It's okay.
Am I the only person who's fucking sick and tired of talking about Arizona?
I hate Arizona.
Because again, it just doesn't matter.
Especially when they, like we talked about with Cyber Ninjas.
It's like, ah, we're going to do the recount and we're going to show that Arizona went Republican.
It's like, okay, fine.
You can have it.
Deal.
Whatever.
Can we just stop hearing about it?
Yeah, because that was their, the whole act that QAnon and all these people had was that Arizona is the first domino after we win that one, then we'll get Nevada, then we'll get Georgia, then we'll get Pennsylvania, and then we win.
And it's like, A, it's not a domino that's going to fall, and B, We're all fine with it.
We would give you Arizona if it would shut you up and end this.
It's like, okay, fine.
You want Arizona?
Great.
Biden's still president.
It doesn't matter.
The reason why Biden is president is that he won by so much that you had Republicans in Pennsylvania and Georgia and Wisconsin and Michigan and Arizona all looking at each other.
And they were all like, I ain't going to go first.
You go first.
I ain't going to go first.
Basically, they all looked at each other and none of them was willing.
None of them was going to take the first step towards actual treason.
None of them were actually going to be like, we're going to start the process by which we actually end American democracy and install Trump as a dictator.
And once they all just froze and pissed themselves in that moment, nobody did it.
And Biden just became president.
So it's like, Yeah, well, he didn't just become president.
We have already talked today about the January 6th committee.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, but I'm saying that, like, no one actually threw actual sand in the gears of disrupting the electoral votes of those states going to D.C.
to be counted.
Then the shit happened there because Trump wanted it to.
But yeah, no, no person.
I mean, I know the fake electors were a thing that happened and all that kind of stuff, but During the whole proceedings, no one stopped certification of a vote.
Nobody was like, hey, wait a minute, we should do a thing.
Nope.
Everyone was just sort of like, you're going to do it?
No.
Are you going to do it?
No.
Fine.
Fuck it.
Trump loses.
Like, whatever.
Sorry, Donnie.
Sorry you couldn't make it.
Sorry you couldn't have only lost by one or two states.
Then maybe we could have stolen it for you the way we did for W in 2000.
Because that was one state.
His brother was running it.
So it was super easy.
You lost lots of states and you didn't have Don Jr.
or anyone as governor of those states at that time.
So we couldn't start fucking rigging shit to help you out.
Maybe next time.
Maybe in 2024.
Maybe Donnie can steal it then.
If he runs a better campaign and falls on the ground in actual belly-shaking laughter at the idea of Trump being better.
Just the idea of that 2024 campaign of Biden just being like, here's the stuff that's going on now.
Here's how we're going to fix it.
And literally Trump's just going to be like, I was robbed in 2020!
It was bullshit!
Buy my NFTs!
And the crowd's like, yes!
This is the man we want to be your president!
We can't wait to do all of that!
That's going to be so great!
Let us do it!
You let me give you my money, Orange Daddy!
You're the best!
Mike, I'm ready to... God, am I jealous.
Mike, Al, are you ready to buy my mailbag?
Oh God, am I ever.
I dream of purchasing Sarge's swollen bag.
Our listeners got questions, we got answers.
It's time for Q and A.
Happy holidays, people.
Yes, yes.
I'm playing for a high price.
Deep cut.
Cleodora Silvestri, the Hellworld Grand Inquisitor, asks, suppose the entire Hellworld crew got superpowers.
Which powers do you now have and what bizarre events gave them to you?
Oh, hmm.
I'd have like I mean, in keeping with the spirit of this, I'd probably have weird camera eyes and I'd be bitten by a radioactive camera or something.
That's the thing I'm around the most.
Yeah.
I get that it's funny to say bitten by a radioactive camera, but how do you suppose that actually works?
Is it radioactive and then it just like falls on you and you're just like, ah!
There's like a very small cut.
The little compartment where I put the card just like slam shut on my finger.
Oh!
I think my camera just bit me.
But it's not the radiation giving it some sort of like weird wet camera mouth.
Well, I don't know, maybe.
It depends on the quality of movie.
I've been watching a lot of bad movie Bible, and he has shown a number of bad movies to me.
So, yeah, I could just, like, my camera comes alive and bites me.
Like, there's a Jaws ripoff that's very good that's just about lawnmowers.
It's just called Blades.
Is that like the guy from The Max who has the lawnmower blade through his head?
It's shot-for-shot Jaws, but with lawnmowers instead of sharks.
They even do the scene where they autopsy the shark, but they're hanging the lawnmower up and they cut it open to see if there's body parts in it.
And just a bunch of grass and a golf ball fall out.
Check out Bad Movie Bible.
It's a great YouTube channel.
My camera comes to life and animates a mouth kind of like an old Ghostbusters cartoon monster and just bites me.
And now I have camera eyes.
Is it like a form of lycanthropy or do you always have the eyes?
Is it Spider-Man or lycanthropy?
It's like Spider-Man.
I'm not a wear camera.
I'm not camera man by night.
I mean, by night it does sound pretty cool.
I can't believe that was right there and I had to say it to think of it.
Cameraman.
It's on the tin.
You were just like, who am I?
Lens man?
Selfie guy?
Cameraman?
lens man, or selfie guy.
It's already a thing.
I want my power to be sort of like the genie from Aladdin when
he's doing music numbers where I just I want to have like harmless reality control to sell any joke I need to.
Just like any punchline, any way to be entertaining, I could just like harmlessly alter reality at will.
Like do fun little dance numbers or whatever, musical stingers, like special guest appearances by weird celebrities and stuff like that.
But not to be used for like evil.
You can make actual rim shots happen.
They just come out of air.
It's like, where did that come from?
I mean, if I have the genie power, it would be much cooler than just coming out of air.
It would be like, your perception would forcibly move to quote-unquote off-camera, and you would see, like, a guy, like, positioned at a drum kit, like, doing a rim shot.
And then he would shoot me some finger guns, and I would shoot him some finger guns back.
And then when we went back to you, if we went back to look for him, he'd be gone, because he wasn't even there in the first place.
That was just you manipulating reality.
Yeah.
So hanging out with me would also kind of start driving people mad.
As they start to lose a grip on what is and isn't a real thing in their life.
It's like, damn, Elle is so entertaining, but now I don't even know what's real anymore!
It's like Call of Cthulhu, only instead of being incredibly dark and dystopian, it's just a joyful sort of insanity.
What about you, Mike?
What's your special power?
I would just like to fall through the time portal and then just have knowledge of the future.
That's always been my thing that would be something that would be interesting.
It's just like, how could you actually affect the world if you were just a Jamoak but you knew what was coming?
And sports betting and all that dumb shit, fuck that.
That's just such a boring thing.
How much time would you need before 9-11 to stop 9-11?
Could you do it in a week?
Would it take two weeks?
Would you need months?
That kind of stuff is very interesting to me.
Would you stop it?
No, I'm saying could you stop it like I'm just saying even if you could like that's that's that's another consideration Like that's a big historical change that you're making there friend.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I know a bunch of ramifications Oh, yeah, but but then like you then you can go down that you can go down that series of consequences and it's like if you're worried about 9-11 do you just try to Teach some morons in Florida how their ballot works So they vote for Gore instead of Bush and that one district that Pat Buchanan got like 3,000 votes in And if you fix that, does 9-11 even happen under President Gore?
Because he's not a moron like Bush was.
So it's just... See, so how much of it is the actual just being able to muck with real historical stuff, is it, for you?
Because that would be stuff that only you would know.
You would be there grouping your own erection, just being like, yeah, this time around Al Gore is president.
I did it.
But nobody else knows.
I'd be fine.
I can be the secret time stream manipulator and not really worry about it.
You'd definitely be able to be stinking rich with, like, crypto bro knowledge.
Like, I'm getting Bitcoin here and getting out here.
And just buying Apple.
Just buy Apple at the jump and just crush.
I mean, all that kind of stuff.
Absolutely.
See, I think Mike would like to be isekai'd.
There's a lot of isekai purposes where it's just like, you just get, like, sucked into another dimension and they've got magic, but you're just like, oh.
My magic is a lot better because I have rudimentary physics knowledge that they don't.
Like I have like a very limited understanding of the underpinnings of how like stuff works
and that allows me to be the world's most incredible super mage.
I, I, I, um, yeah, I was just having a talk about this.
A few days ago, and my friend was just like, oh yeah, I'd have to be a mage, I'd have to do that kind of stuff, I couldn't be a rogue, blah blah blah, and I couldn't, like, worship a god, cause, and I was like, but if you were in a world where gods were real, and they showed themselves to you, like, why would you not worship one?
Yeah, it bequeaths upon you tangible magic powers that you use to fight monsters and shit.
Yeah, but then he was like, but why wouldn't everyone do that?
Why are there cobblers in D&D?
And this guy would be like, like, the way I think of it, you have to do so much work to get the God to benefit you.
And I'm just like, I'm, I'm like, hey, that's, that's player character versus NPC shit.
We don't, we don't get into why there are cobblers.
That's why the cobbler just doesn't worship a God and get powers.
I mean, yeah, because then you get into sort of the political nature of it, where it's just like, you have a strong, upright paladin who seems like a pretty good guy, but he sort of thinks that if you're a cobbler, that's your fault.
You need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps.
Like, oh, you're stuck as a cobbler?
Well, sucks for you.
Yeah.
If you were working harder, you could be a Paladin like me.
And then you have other people who are just like, hey man, because of the way the system is structured, some people have to not be Paladins.
Someone has to fucking fix shoes.
Someone has to cobble.
You dig?
And I was just like, if I fell into this D&D universe and there was actually the embodiment of woke, if woke was a god, I'd be like, that's fine.
I can embrace the woke god.
I can abide by them and hopefully receive their blessings so that I can invoke wokeness upon the world and make Republicans in my fantasy universe cry.
Oh no!
He's got woke powers!
Woke has blessed him!
No!
I have to use people's pronouns correctly!
I can't be a bigot around them!
No!
So yeah, that's the way this works.
Sorry.
I am actually touched by woke.
I am actually...
I am actually a social justice paladin.
That is, I am actually that thing.
I have that aura about me.
Reborn in another world as a social justice warrior?
Yes.
Hey, X, please no.
And this is incredibly tangential.
Pancake Peasant asks, what ideas do you have to fix the disparity between martial classes and caster classes in D&D 5th edition?
That's an all out question.
I mean I'm sure that a lot of people, a lot of people think that there's a big disparity but I just sort of like disagree.
I think the biggest problem is that the Marshall stuff just seems sort of boring and the easiest way to fix it would be to take the maneuvers system from being specific to certain subclasses and just make it baked into every martial as part of their toolkit where it's just like as part of being a martial class you have these like certain special flourishes that you do and in addition to making people making like fighter to fighter feel different it would also give people more options to feel like exciting or whatever because you know a lot of like it's like sure spellcasters get access to a lot of spells but a lot of them are just sort of like
It's a save or suck and it either does it's thing or it doesn't.
When it does it to it's thing they've wasted their whole turn or whatever.
And if you're like maximum efficient and just making sure you're using the best spells and getting the best bang for your buck all the time Then you're sort of locked into a bunch of stuff and you don't really have that wealth of options anyway, so in some ways you're just as boring as a martial class.
Like, if you're a cleric, your first turns should be scripted.
There's nothing more powerful for most levels of D&D for your cleric to be doing than to cast Bless on all of the party.
And if they're not doing that, then they're just not being as efficient as they could be.
So that, like, by default makes them sort of just, like, for at least a little while in every combat you get to, as boring as, say, the Barbarian, who is probably going to run up and make an attack.
I'm going to cast Bless!
I'm going to swing my sword!
It's a great way to cast.
But yeah, everybody should get at least one feat, because it just allows character to character who's, like, the same lineage and class combo, because now they're moving away from the racial thing and calling it lineage, I believe.
So like, you know, if you're a human fighter and somebody else is a human fighter, well a feat allows one of you to be like, I'm a human fighter that's crossbow specialist and I'm a human fighter that's polearm specialist, so even level one you feel different.
And so I think everybody should get a feat starting at level one and they should design the game with that in mind.
And I think that if they just added the maneuver system into the melee kit as like something they designed around as well that that would Make those classes seem less quote-unquote boring or quote-unquote weak compared to the spellcasting classes.
I've played a lot of barbarians, man, they're not weak.
They do a ton of damage, they're unkillable most of the time, and it's just like, yeah, they're not super engaging if you're playing them like a snoozer, but They're changing this in the next edition that they're coming out with, but at least in regular 5th edition, barbarians tend to accidentally just be great at grappling.
And if you're not utilizing that to the fullest, it just means that you're not familiar enough with 5th edition to be getting the most out of your barbarian.
I spend a lot of time just, like, grabbing people and throwing them off of stuff or, like, you know, just, like, wrestling with them off the ground and writing stuff that I shouldn't be able to.
The grapple rules allow you to get away with a bunch of nonsense.
They allow you to punch a pirate ship, and if you roll a 20, a giant hole appears and it just sinks into the ocean.
Well, not quite, but it does allow you to do stuff like, ah, yes, at level 3, there are two trolls that are harassing the party.
Okay, you guys go do another thing, and I will wrestle this one troll, and it will weakly try to kill me while it's being wrestled by me.
And then while you deal with the other troll, this one will be... I'll just lock down this one troll by myself.
You guys good to win one of these?
So yes, if anyone wants to join L on a D&D stream, we can make him a super popular DM that then gets to be paid for
that service.
That's how he actually wants to become a social influencer millionaire, is by being the hottest DM in all the land.
I mean, you're half right.
I want to be the hottest player.
I want to play at the foot of an incredible DM.
I want to play at Brennan Lee Mulligan's table and impress everybody with how good I am at the table.
Yeah.
So yeah, make that happen.
Let's pull some strings.
Let's get L on the table so he can just show the world how it's done.
Because every time I've actually engaged in the few times, the fleeting times I've role-played with L, he has been incredible.
Essential Corp asks, what unexpected expenditures do you think will be in Trump's tax returns?
Oh, I don't know.
Unexpected.
Like, like, poorly, like, hidden, like, poorly, discreetly labeled Hush Buddy payments for, for the pee tape.
They just got like an obvious code word like like lemonade like lemonade, but there's just like four hundred thousand
dollars to some Russian for lemonade
Destruction of the lemonade stand $400,000 to Moscow!
Verification, Lemon Stand was destroyed.
Boom.
Nailed it.
Just think. Verification. Lemon stand was destroyed. Boom.
Nailed it. Pay to the order of Platamere Vootin. Exactly.
From what I'm seeing, because I think the taxes are slowly trickling out at this point, and he's mostly just pulled the Hollywood shit where he just claims massive losses and doesn't pay taxes.
Oh yeah, I made X, but I lost Y, and Y was way bigger than X, so I don't owe any taxes.
Sorry IRS, better luck next year.
Maybe I won't be a losing businessman yet again.
So, literally just accounting fraud.
That's basically what we're getting at this point.
But I think that like, I've actually seen some QAnon and Republican people being like, oh, Trump's taxes came out and now no one's saying anything about him.
Big nothing burger, just like we all knew it was going to be.
And it's actually like, no, like the whole point of Trump is that he's this ultra successful businessman who just makes money hand over fist and is a literal god of capitalism.
And his taxes are just like, yeah, I lose money every year.
Every year, just in the hole deeper than it was before.
I love that you didn't just be like, yeah man, Trump's taxes are coming out, nobody's talking about it, what a bunch of losers, it was a huge nothing burger, and it's like, well only because everybody is distracted by the fact that the government has recommended that Donald Trump be brought up on, like, sedition charges.
We're a little distracted from his tax records by his treason.
So, we'll get there, like, calm down.
Don't worry.
Give us a little time.
We'll make it to the taxes.
But right now, we're a little taken aback by the fact that the federal government has accused the former president of sedition, which is pretty big.
I mean, literally, before the Oath Keepers got nailed, For sedition.
We hadn't charged anyone with sedition in a dog's age, and I think it was like one guy got charged under Obama and the charge got dropped or he was acquitted.
So it's been a very long time since we've actually had a sedition conviction.
It may have not happened in this century, literally.
So, yeah.
Maybe worry about that.
Yeah, give it some time.
Yeah.
And our final question from one of our original Inquisitors, Chairman Walkman, is, what is the best way to prepare potatoes?
This is a strong question.
So for the season, latkes are a very good answer.
So the best way for the season, I'm going to go with latkes.
My family routinely does Uh, potato soup for New Year's Eve, so... You know what?
I feel like Sarge is calling a lot of what I consider to be European answers.
Like, that's sort of like, you know, the latke especially, so I'll jump in on that wagon and I will say one of my favorite ways, certainly not the only one, but as is a filling, for pierogi.
I love a pierogi!
Yeah.
That's uh, yeah.
So yeah, pierogi.
There's so many, so many ways to cook potatoes.
I don't want to do the Bubba voice.
I mean, let's not just, let's, I'll be the one to follow that grenade.
How about just straight up mashed?
There's a ton of different ways you could do it.
Everyone has their own preference, like, you know, lumpy or completely smooth, whipped, or just actually like hand mashed, all that stuff.
But a mashed potato, it's like hard to go wrong with it.
You just throw some stuff in there, some sour creams, chives.
You can load it.
You can not load it.
Delicious.
Yeah.
Yeah, if I'm at a restaurant, a good mashed potato is awesome.
Steak fries are also very acceptable, again, in a professional setting where I know they're going to be cooked right.
Around the house, I love home fries.
I just love slicing up a potato and then just throwing it on the pan and just sizzling it, and bam, home fries.
So I That's some nostalgia for me also, because I ate so many home fries when I was a kid.
Someone in my house would be like, just the last step of potato, you want some?
I'd be like, hells yes!
Of course I want some potato!
Potato is incredible!
My favorite fried potato is probably a flattened, griddle-style hash brown.
The real thin and crispy stuff from a good diner.
Yep.
Oh yeah.
Good question.
Yes.
Yeah, that's why I have Chairman Walkman's list of excellent questions handy to round out the mailbag every week.
And so that brings us to our final question, as always, is what are you guys looking forward to?
Well, I'll take the lead here because it also sort of works into an announcement.
In a couple of weeks' time, Sarge and I will both not be here to record for a week, and I believe Mike has something lined up for that.
In fact, I believe Sarge isn't going to be with us next week either, so this is probably going to be the last time for the year where all of the boys are together.
Two weeks from hence, Sarge and I are going on a mutual vacation together, as we do every year, to MAGFest.
And I'm very excited for MAGFest.
So, I will say, I'm excited for MAGFest.
Yeah, I've got to go with that one as well.
Pretty excited for MAGFest again this year.
The guest list keeps getting better and better.
I finally get to see Cybertronic Spree live.
I'm excited to see them live, finally, and other entertainers.
Honestly, I'm surprised we haven't yet.
They seem like a no-go for every magfest we've ever been to since they've existed, so it'll be nice to finally see their live show.
Although there have been a lot of great performances at MAGFest, so it'll be difficult for them to clear the bar.
But if they do, it will be a wonderful moment.
I'm excited.
I'm super excited to see them.
They're really the only band that I know that I'm that pumped to see.
I wouldn't mind going to see.
I think Scottoon Network is going to be there.
I'm not sure if he's performing, but if he is, I'd be happy to see that.
They just dropped their first fully original album, Ravage.
They've had, until now, they're primarily a Transformers cover band.
That is the majority of their catalog.
But I was part of the Kickstarter.
They have a full album out now.
Ravage.
Give it a listen.
It is a ton of fun.
So I'm excited for MAGFest and Cybertronic Spree.
How about you, Mike?
Oh, I'm just excited to kind of chill out this weekend for Christmas.
I don't know what it has been, but recently at work we have had just madness going on.
I don't know if the holiday season just brings out the werewolf in people or whatnot, but it has been It's been crazy.
So having a few days to just sort of like, just have downtime, be able to relax.
Hopefully everybody else will kind of like get off their shit and calm down.
Uh, yeah.
So just getting through Christmas and then hopefully having humanity, uh, get their bearings back right is something I'm hugely in favor of.
Uh, because, um, I mean, casinos are casinos and stuff does happen, but in the past week or so, we've literally had the police had to intervene on more than one occasion for stuff.
And it's been just sort of like, what the hell is going on here?
Why am I on a radio calling security?
Telling security, you're not good enough.
You actually have to get actual law enforcement with the big boy toys that can do real damage to people to show up.
So, yeah.
Yeah, security, I'm just writing to let you know that your shit is weak and I need you to call cops.
Yes, exactly right.
Exactly right.
So, yeah.
So, up your game, humanity.
You're displeasing me.
So, thank you for that.
So that's what I am hopeful for.
I don't know that I'm looking forward to it.
You're looking forward to less violence.
Yes, and also the special one-off Taskmasters episode that'll be coming up between Christmas and New Year's, which is always a good one.
There you go, that's a better one.
I believe that to be the Taskmaster New Year's treat.
Yes!
Which I also love a New Year's treat.
Those are good things to be excited about and on that note it is time for us to board Krampus' sleigh and use his skeletal reindeer to pull us away from Hellworld.
Thank you everybody for listening and for supporting the show.
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Sounds pretty good to us.
Thanks as always to DJ Minimal Effort for use of our intro song.
DJ Minimal Effort, still no social media, what a lad.
You can find our buddy Frosty, who does all of our drops on Twitter for the time being, until that turns into a flaming crater, at FrostyVO.
You can find myself, Sarge, and Mike at AtHellWorldL, AtSargeAndHell, and AtPokerPolitics respectively, and the show itself is AtHellWorld, H-E-L-L-W-Q-R-L-D.
Look at us, such clever lads.
So, for another successful episode of the Adventures in Hell World Podcast, I have been one of your hosts, The Mysterious Al, which is always by Sarge, and your expert in all things QAnon, Crazy Mr. Mike Rains.
