Mike's here to show a GOP Primary candidate how to give their speech declaring they'll run for President. Attacking Trump and QAnon is vital for this to work. If DeSantis wants a shot at Trump he needs to hire me. Get bonus content on PatreonSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/hellwqrld. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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| Hello everybody, I am Mike Rains. | |
| Poker and Politics, and today I'm going to be giving the speech that any Republican who wants to run against Donald Trump needs to give. | |
| Hello Republicans, I hate you. | |
| You would probably hate me if you ever heard of me, but we have a common enemy in Donald Trump and QAnon who fucking suck. | |
| And I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. | |
| You have to run against QAnon in order to beat Donald Trump. | |
| You cannot co-op these people. | |
| You cannot speak about the deep state and all the evil baddie people that are doing the evil baddie things in order to deny Trump the nomination because those people are going to vote for Trump no matter what you do. | |
| There is no way you can supplant their orange daddy as their daddy. | |
| It's just that simple. | |
| You have to crush them. | |
| You have to crush Trump. | |
| The only thing you can do is a full-on direct attack. | |
| And that's it. | |
| This is Scorched Earth. | |
| This is a fight to the death. | |
| It is just that simple. | |
| You win or you get run over. | |
| Period. | |
| And therefore, this is what you have to do. | |
| So if you like the speech, I don't know how you would ever hear this, but if someone gets clips of it to you, Uh, hire me. | |
| I will work on your campaign until you either win or lose the primary and then I will go away and write a book about how much you suck unless you pay me a lot of money in which case I will turn my podcast and Twitter channel off for the duration of the 2024 election after you've won the nomination and then come back to tell everyone how much you still suck and people will say that I was a Sell out and a shill and a piece of shit for supporting you | |
| in the primary, but I had to do what I had to do to stop Trump and damage QAnon. | |
| So, hey, this world's really soulless and shitty. | |
| Um, I talked to the Republican running against Marjorie Taylor Greene. | |
| Um, she didn't go anywhere and she didn't listen to a lot of what I had to say, but the Democrat was never beating | |
| her. | |
| So, uh, I went with the weapon I had at hand and, uh, it was an ineffective one. | |
| Marjorie defeated us quite easily. | |
| It was unfortunate. | |
| Anyways, uh, without further ado, let us have a speech. | |
| Hello, my fellow Americans. | |
| I'm the Republican running against Donald Trump for the 2024 Republican nomination. | |
| Donald Trump is a loser. | |
| He lost the 2016 popular vote to Hillary Clinton. | |
| He was incredibly lucky the Electoral College was able to secure victory for him. | |
| And thank God we have the Electoral College so those crazy liberals in New York and California can't decide who our president were and that we have to listen to the heartland. | |
| We have to listen to real America when it comes to deciding who should lead our glorious nation. | |
| But still, the point is, Trump is an unpopular dude. | |
| We know this because he then managed to take four years of his presidency and then lose by 8 million votes to Joe Biden. | |
| Joe Biden! | |
| A man that is the most boring, milquetoast, inept, incompetent person on God's green earth. | |
| And that guy beat Donald Trump by 8 million votes and smashed him in Electoral College. | |
| It was a landslide defeat. | |
| And this is the guy the Republican Party wants to rally behind in order to carry us to power in 2024. | |
| in 2024. This man who lost the house in 2018 lost everything for us in 2020. And then in | |
| 2022, when every indicator said that the red wave was coming, that inflation was skyrocketing, | |
| that crime was out of control, that our border is unsecure, and that there are people pouring | |
| over it with carrying their fentanyl and all their other dangerous drugs and their violent | |
| crime and their awful horribleness and their not being whiteness. | |
| Was that a little too obvious? | |
| Should I not have put that in the speech? | |
| Okay, well, whatever. | |
| We can edit that out in post. | |
| Or maybe I'll revise this a little. | |
| But hey, I'm just telling you, the sensible, moderate, Republican primary voter, what you need to hear. | |
| Which in this case is dog whistle racism. | |
| Or perhaps not even dog whistle. | |
| I'm just telling you what you need to hear. | |
| I want to win the Republican nomination and that's how this works because literally all that matters in these primaries is A. name recognition and B. racism. | |
| That's the ticket. | |
| That's what we need to do in order to win. | |
| And I'm going to try to give you both of those things. | |
| I'm going to do what I can to make myself available to you, the Republican primary voters who will vote for me against Trump and his sucky failureness. | |
| Because goddammit, in order to own the libs, we gotta win. | |
| That's the problem here. | |
| You're voting for someone that's gonna get us those videos of that lady who was screaming and crying after Trump got sworn in because that's all that makes you feel good. | |
| It's the only reason why you can get up in the morning and face the dawn and go through your day is that no one, some lib is upset somewhere because bad things are happening to liberals and we're doing it to them. | |
| And that's what I'm going to give you! | |
| I, a Republican primary candidate that will defeat Trump, I will also defeat Biden and allow for maximum lib suffering! | |
| Now, the point is, is that Trump also sucks for another reason. | |
| This is an important reason, I might add, too. | |
| If we go through all that work of getting Donald Trump reelected and it will be a heavy lift because the man is incredibly unpopular and dumb and just a loser. | |
| But if somehow we did it and he won, guess what happens? | |
| In 2016 we have a midterm. | |
| In 2026 we have a midterm. | |
| He'll probably lose the House and the Senate if we don't already have lost them. | |
| But he's going to get us killed in those midterms because that's what he does. | |
| He's a man that is politically inept and only manages to alienate and upset the American people once he holds power. | |
| And then, guess what happens in 2026 and 2027? | |
| People start declaring that they're going to run for president. | |
| People like Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio and all those sorts of other folks. | |
| They're going to be like, hey, you know what? | |
| I'm going to be the president in 2028. | |
| I'm going to run. | |
| I'm going to win. | |
| It's going to be great. | |
| Vote for me. | |
| I'm Ted Cruz. | |
| And then the Democrats, they're all going to start making their campaigns. | |
| They're all going to throw their hat in the ring. | |
| Because you know what 2028 is going to be under a Trump presidency? | |
| It's going to be an open seat election. | |
| It's a big problem. | |
| Because Donald Trump is the only horse in this race that can only serve four more years. | |
| You know what you do if you vote for me, the Republican primary candidate who's going to beat Trump? | |
| You get eight years with me, baby! | |
| I'm not hindered by the Constitution. | |
| The Constitution does not say that I only can serve one term the way it says that Trump can only serve one term. | |
| What are you going to get out of that one term of Trump if you put him back in the office? | |
| He's going to hold power for two years and then right after that midterm election, he's yesterday's news. | |
| He's a lame duck. | |
| Everyone's going to be running for president, 2027's going to be a mess, and then 2028 when the campaign really kicks into high gear, what do you think is going to happen? | |
| What do you think is going to happen in that year? | |
| We're going to have our candidate running out there, having won the nomination, gone to the convention. | |
| And you think Trump's going to get behind that person? | |
| You think Trump's going to rally around them and say that they have my full endorsement and I love them and they're going to carry MAGA out through the next four years, they're going to be a great successor to me and I'm really happy about it? | |
| The dude's probably gonna get ready to, like, lock himself into the Oval Office. | |
| We're probably gonna have another January 6th. | |
| Now, again, because I am the Republican primary candidate that's going to beat Trump, I'm gonna downplay January 6th a lot here, but I'm just gonna point out a little bit that, you know, it's very likely that Trump's gonna start throwing a fit about not leaving office. | |
| He's gonna be all kinds of weird and upset about things and He might start asking me, the Republican candidate who's going to beat Trump in the primary, he might ask me, yo, Republican guy, how about making Ivanka your vice president, or Don Jr., or Michael Flynn, or somebody like that. | |
| And I'm going to have to tell Mr. Trump, no, I'm not going to do that. | |
| I'm going to have my own vice president. | |
| I'm the one running this ship. | |
| I am the Republican nominee for president in 2020, uh, 2028. | |
| I'm the, I'm the future of the party. | |
| You are literally like yesterday's news. | |
| Your political relevance ends on January 20th, 2029, and that's it. | |
| You're done. | |
| It's over. | |
| No one will care about you ever again. | |
| You are finished in American politics. | |
| And he's going to throw a fit. | |
| He's going to be very upset about that. | |
| And we're going to have a very turbulent campaign because he's going to do dumb shit. | |
| He's going to mess with us. | |
| It's going to suck. | |
| We, as Republicans, do not need a president throwing an anchor around the neck of the nominee and trying to drag them down. | |
| Because he's going to want you to lose. | |
| He's going to want you to lose to the Democrats so you look like a loser and that you couldn't carry the torch for him. | |
| He's going to kneecap us. | |
| That's what he always does. | |
| That's what he's always going to do. | |
| He's a miserable, egocentric, narcissist piece of shit. | |
| And it will hurt the Republican Party to put him back in office because we're not getting him out without dragging him out of the Oval Office screaming and kicking. | |
| And, oh, by the way, guess what also is going to happen? | |
| He is not going to listen to anybody about anything, and especially not when it comes to his vice presidential selection. | |
| Because we managed to get him, Mike Pence, you know, milquetoast, generic Republican guy, just sort of there. | |
| And, I mean, Pence is dumb enough to think that he can possibly win this nomination when we all know he can't. | |
| But, hey, Mike, if you want to run against me and get three percent, God bless you, But the fact is, is at least Mike Pence was a normal human being on some level. | |
| I'm not saying he's really normal, the whole mother thing and all that, but hey, he's as normal as we're going to get out of a Trump vice president. | |
| What do you think we're going to get now? | |
| Now that he is going to be untethered from reality. | |
| Marjorie Taylor Greene, Carrie Lake, although probably not her, she's got that loser stink on her, | |
| and as much as Trump doesn't want to admit she lost, which she did, | |
| Michael Flynn, Sebastian Gorka, I mean, we're looking at some real crazy town shit here. | |
| He is going to pick an absolute lunatic to be his vice president, which means we're going to be dealing with every day for four years, wondering if this is the day that a very old, very overweight and sedentary blob of a human being who has very questionable mental acuity Might shed his mortal coil. | |
| And now we're going to have President Insano ruling America for some period of time. | |
| And when the 2028 campaign kicks off, guess what? | |
| You're going to have the Trump-endorsed Marjorie Taylor Greene to run against in that primary. | |
| And that's the lucky idea. | |
| That's the hopeful outcome of all this. | |
| Is that Trump is willing to play the primary game And is willing to say, you all need to vote for my crazy vice president, because that's the fairest thing to do. | |
| And that's if we get a crazy vice president, because hearkening back to what I said earlier, it's possible he just picks one of his kids. | |
| It's very possible Don Jr. | |
| or Ivanka is going to be his vice president. | |
| And he's just going to say they live in New York and he lives in Florida, so that's not going to screw up the Electoral College. | |
| And we're just going to get the Trump-Trump ticket. | |
| You feeling good about that, Republicans? | |
| You liking your odds on that shit? | |
| Because I ain't. | |
| That's not good. | |
| That's bad. | |
| Again, it's not a winning plan. | |
| And the best case scenario is that if he wins, now you're stuck with that. | |
| And you're stuck with Trumpspawn or absolute madness running against me in the 2028 primary. | |
| Which... | |
| Openin' the door for those Democrats. | |
| Openin' it pretty far and wide. | |
| So, uh, not great. | |
| Opposite of great. | |
| I would recommend that we don't do this. | |
| And another thing that we need to not do as Republicans is to not embrace crazy people. | |
| Because that looks bad. | |
| And that's what Donald Trump has done for basically his entire presidency. | |
| There's this thing called QAnon out there. | |
| And they believe that Donald Trump is some sort of super secret agent who is going to save the world from the bad guys. | |
| They're children who believe in a fantasy and they've created this mythology around Trump. | |
| And now that's fine. | |
| People can believe in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy if they so desire it. | |
| I would encourage everyone who believes in such things to vote for me because I know I'll work on passing resolutions to leave a leave a 50 cents under your pillow when your tooth falls out and all that other fun stuff. | |
| I'm here for those people but the problem is is that Donald Trump Yes, America, that is what they call it on that platform. | |
| On his failing truth social media platform, he retruths and yes, yes, America, that is what they call it on that | |
| platform. | |
| And they call their posts truths and they call the retreats retruths, which is that's clunky and awful. | |
| Let's just put it that way. | |
| The branding of this thing is not great. | |
| And this is for a guy that's supposed to be the king of branding and the ultimate salesman. | |
| Not so much. | |
| But the point is is that this QAnon group, these people are anti-semitic, they are racist, they are violent, everything about them is bad, and Trump has cozied up to them. | |
| Trump has said repeatedly that he thinks that they support him and that's good enough for him. | |
| He doesn't really care about anything else that they stand for. | |
| He doesn't look into it because he's so shallow, so vain, so narcissistic that anyone who tells him he's doing a good job, he's in favor of it. | |
| It's just that simple. | |
| He's a robot. | |
| He's a very simple, easy to program robot. | |
| You tell him you like him and boom, he likes you right back. | |
| And that's what QAnon has done. | |
| And QAnon gave us Doug Mastriano in Pennsylvania. | |
| It gave us Kari Lake in Arizona. | |
| It gave us a slew of extremist candidates all across America and they all lost. | |
| They were all so unpalatable. | |
| They were so all insane that the American people looked at them and they elected these crazy Democrats. | |
| The party of crime, the party of fentanyl crossing our border, the party of abortion to the moment of birth. | |
| All of these radical leftist ideologies that just permeate the Democratic Party. | |
| And we were unable to compete with them because we were nominating extremists who believe in a fantasy land where Donald Trump secretly liberated Kim Jong-un from a mysterious cabal of people that were secretly controlling North Korea. | |
| And yes, they actually believe that stuff. | |
| And a lot of them believe that JFK Jr. | |
| is going to be his vice presidential pick in 2024. | |
| QAnon is a bunch of nuts and me saying this will make them very mad and they will say that I'm part of the deep state. | |
| I'm not. | |
| I'm a Republican who wants to win an election. | |
| I want to do what Donald Trump always talks about where I make America great again. | |
| And I can't do that if I have people credibly accusing me of supporting and endorsing a movement that believes in madness, that talks about microchips being in the vaccines, that is going to let Bill Gates track all of us. | |
| This is where we are. | |
| This is the world I'm living in where I have to contend with people saying these things and Donald Trump patting them on the head and telling them that they're doing a good job. | |
| That what they are saying is righteous and noble and honorable. | |
| What we as Republicans need to be doing is reaching out and expressing our traditional moral values, our Christian beliefs, our faith, our principles, and explaining them to the American people in clear and obvious ways that show that we are the party of decency. | |
| We are the party of integrity. | |
| We are the party of personal accountability. | |
| That we are not the party that thinks that Oprah Winfrey and Tom Hanks need to be arrested yesterday for their crimes. | |
| Which crimes? | |
| No one's ever told me what crimes they are. | |
| But if you go on social media and you look at any posts from Tom Hanks or Oprah, there's a million people out there screaming that one day judgment will come to them. | |
| And I guess that sounds really interesting and those people Those people are trapped in this QAnon scamosphere because that's what this is. | |
| This is a bunch of people that are wannabe Alex Joneses saying the same stuff that Alex Jones said, this Sandy Hook denying monster of a human being that Donald Trump went on his show and said, hey Alex, I won't let you down. | |
| And that's the world that Donald Trump lives in. | |
| That's the world that Donald Trump frequents and he participates in it. | |
| And it's easy to tarnish him for it. | |
| And if we nominate Donald Trump, the worst elements of right-wing extremism will rise to the top, like just slime on the top of a stagnant pond. | |
| And instead of denouncing it, instead of rejecting it, instead of telling the American people that this is wrong and he won't stand for it, Donald Trump will embrace it. | |
| Donald Trump will pull QAnon tight to his ample bosom and say, these are my people and I support them and I want their votes. | |
| And what did that get us in 2022? | |
| Nothing but defeat. | |
| Nothing but losses. | |
| It's what we had in 2020. | |
| Same thing. | |
| Over and over again. | |
| Trump embraces QAnon. | |
| Republicans get defeated. | |
| It's a pattern. | |
| It's obvious. | |
| It's something that we need to stand up against. | |
| We need to reject it. | |
| We need to resist it. | |
| So the choice is clear. | |
| You can pick me, the Republican primary candidate who will defeat Donald Trump. | |
| You can reject QAnon and its extremism and its anti-Semitism and its madness. | |
| And you can call it out for what it is. | |
| You don't have to sugarcoat it. | |
| You don't have to placate these people. | |
| They're not representative of us. | |
| They do not have the numbers to hurt us. | |
| And at the end of the day, these people are angry. | |
| Upset little trolls that need to own libs in order to feel good. | |
| So they'll come crawling back to me. | |
| I'm gonna get most of their votes anyways. | |
| I can denounce them. | |
| I can condemn them. | |
| And they're still going to vote for me because they have no choice because they're locked in this prison of their own minds where they're just upset and angry at the world and they've blamed all of that at liberals. | |
| And thank you Fox News. | |
| Thank you Tucker Carlson. | |
| Thank you all of those people who've done all this damage to the American psyche that we've created this sort of person that is a reliable Republican voter that does not live inside of reality. | |
| But on the other hand, I have to denounce them publicly. | |
| I have to condemn them. | |
| I have to insult them. | |
| And I will. | |
| And I will mean it. | |
| And at the same time, guess what, QAnon? | |
| You gotta vote for me. | |
| You have no choice. | |
| You stay home and the libs win and you'll be sad anyways. | |
| So I've gotcha. | |
| I gotcha by the balls. | |
| And you know it. | |
| You fucking know it. | |
| And yeah, this is a little spicy for the Republican speech so we can just edit that part out. | |
| I just wanted a little Rated R there at the end because I was just feeling it. | |
| Because I really enjoy the fact that I'm going to own QAnon after I crush their idiot god emperor in the primary. | |
| And I'm the Republican nominee. | |
| And they start warming up to me and they've got to accept it because that's how they operate. | |
| They fall in line. | |
| So you don't have to worry about it. | |
| You don't have to say, oh no, Republican primary candidate who's going to beat Trump. | |
| If we pick you, QAnon will go home. | |
| I will finish by telling you a little story about how that's not a problem. | |
| When Donald Trump endorsed Dr. Oz, QAnon dug up all the stuff they could find about Dr. Oz supporting trans rights, supporting gay rights. | |
| They brought up the fact that he's Hollywood, that he was a creation of Oprah, and that he is a creation of the media, the evil leftist media. | |
| And QAnon said to themselves, Trump could not have endorsed this terrible human being for honest reasons. | |
| He had to have endorsed him to allow us, Trump's detective team, to find the truth about Oz and expose him and allow someone else to win the primary. | |
| And then Oz won the primary. | |
| And you know what QAnon did? | |
| They fell right in line. | |
| They started making memes about how much John Fetterman sucked and how they hate John Fetterman and how Oz will be a great senator for the state of Pennsylvania. | |
| And they all cheered for Oz. | |
| And then when Oz lost, they whined and complained about how the election was rigged and stolen and there's no way Fetterman could have beat him. | |
| So, yeah, I ain't worried. | |
| They'll come crawling back. | |
| They got nowhere else to go. | |
| They got nothing. | |
| So, this is an easy choice for you, the Republican primary voter. | |
| You can either get one year of Trump, I mean one term of Trump, which is literally going to be two years of him having power. | |
| And then the moment the elections are called in the 2026 midterm, boom! | |
| Madness! | |
| He's yesterday's news, he's going to throw a fit about it, he's going to be a miserable little tantrum having baby, and he's going to sandbag us and we're going to lose in 2028 because of him, or you're going to have me! | |
| And in 2028, I'm going to be the incumbent. | |
| I'm going to be the incumbent Republican I'm going to do a bang up job. | |
| I'm going to have good approval rating. | |
| The Democrats are going to look at this and they're going to be like, Oh shit, I don't, I don't want none of him. | |
| He's too powerful for me. | |
| And they'll nominate some schmucky schmuck like John Kerry or whoever. | |
| Cause I mean, in 20, in 2004, they weren't looking to take on Dubya. | |
| They weren't looking to take on him after 9-11 and all that stuff. | |
| And he was keeping us safe and tough on terror and all that stuff. | |
| Hill Dog, she bowed out. | |
| None of the other big names wanted to take a swing and that's why Kerry got in there and W smashed him and got four more years. | |
| That's what's gonna happen with me. | |
| Kamala Harris? | |
| She ain't gonna come after me. | |
| Buttigieg? | |
| Nope. | |
| Fetterman? | |
| Anyone else? | |
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | |
| They're all gonna sit on the sidelines. | |
| They're gonna let some milquetoast schmuck get trucked by me so I can get another four years and then Then all the way off in 2032, then we can worry about the Democrats having the big-ticket guys come after me. | |
| Well, not me. | |
| I'm going to be out. | |
| I'm going to be term-limited at that point, but yeah. | |
| The presidency, I'm going to hold it for eight years, easy peasy lemon squeezy. | |
| Whereas Donald Trump's got four years and only two of them is he going to be actually relevant. | |
| After that, you're going to have the whiny orange idiot pissing and moaning while Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio were running around trying to suck up to the voters of Iowa and New Hampshire. | |
| It's going to be great. | |
| It's going to be incredible. | |
| I mean, if you want that future, God help you. | |
| Go vote for Trump. | |
| You want the future of smooth sailing and me in charge? | |
| No problem. | |
| No contest whatsoever. | |
| Boom. | |
| You cast your ballot this way. | |
| Things are way better. | |
| I think I've made my case. | |
| I think things are pretty clear here. | |
| Don't be stupid, Republicans. | |
| Don't be stupid. | |
| I'm your man. | |
| I'm the right man for the job. | |
| I'm white. | |
| I'm heterosexual. | |
| I tick all the boxes for you all. | |
| I'll get the job done. | |
| So here we go. | |
| We're all set. | |
| This is easy. | |
| Vote me, not Trump. | |
| Boom. | |
| Nailed it. | |
| Greatest introduction speech ever. |