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July 1, 2021 - Adventures in HellwQrld
01:29:01
Adventures in HellwQrld Episode #41: McAfee, Trump Org, Tucker, and More!

John McAfee is dead and QAnon has some questions about that. The Trump Org is about to be indicted and Tucker Carlson thinks the NSA is out to get him. There is a lot to talk about plus your questions. Get bonus content on PatreonSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/hellwqrld. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Time Text
coward Hello everybody and welcome to another episode of
adventures in hell world I I am Mike Rains, a.k.a.
Poker and Politics, and I am joined, as always, by Sarge.
Gets better every loop.
Yes, Sarge, thank you for that stirring introduction.
And I'm also joined by the mysterious Hell.
Hello, my beautiful babies.
Is that robot?
Are you a robot?
It was.
And also, I mean, I'm not even the one, like, putting a bamboozle on anyone this time.
I was talking about our intro theme.
Yeah, whatever you said through mic for a loop.
Yeah, I huck and bamboozle them.
I think there's a chance our listeners this week, unless we figure out a way to fix it, will hear you giggling at the beginning of our intro music.
Because for whatever reason you were just giggling.
We told a joke before we started recording and I kept laughing and I didn't mute my mic so enjoy that.
I really hope that the show actually begins by you saying do it coward right before we start.
I was laughing at myself for saying do it coward and I saw the one second mark start on the recording.
Oh man, I hope our crippling unprofessionalism stays in the post-production.
It's going to be great.
Yes, kicking open the door with some trademark Sarge action.
Yeah!
So, while we're doing all this fun and frivolity, we have to remind people that QAnon is bad times a lot of the time.
Content Warning.
The Adventures in Hellworld Podcast talks in depth about QAnon, which means we have to talk about all kinds of child abuse and violence against people.
Listener discretion advised.
Wait, is my trademark talking at the wrong time?
No, your trademark is just beefing it.
Okay.
Yeah, you're just a beefer.
Yeah, I guess.
Oh, but also before we get too deep into this one, extra double special content warning because we're going to be talking about suicide.
Or are we?
I mean, we are, but it was suicide.
Or is it?
Yes!
This is what we're getting at.
So, spoiler warning for the podcast, but also content warning for those of you who may be triggered by talk of like self-harm or whatever, or suicide, or is it, or was it?
Oh, we may never know.
There might be people who are not triggered by suicide, but are triggered by Arkanside, as it were.
I don't know.
I keep wanting to read it as the Catan Justice Department, as the Catalan Justice Department.
So before you read that, let's play a bumper.
From the digital headlines to the digital front lines, it's Cues in the News.
The floor is yours, Sarge.
Well, noted whack-a-doo John McAfee has been- More like noted whacked-a-doo.
Yeah, they got him.
He has been rotting in a Barcelona jail cell for the past eight and a half months.
for financial crimes. And just recently, he, upon finding out
that he was being extradited back to America to face all his
financial crimes here, he hung himself in his jail cell.
Or did he?
Yeah.
The Catalan Justice Department has said everything indicates he
killed himself by hanging.
And the official autopsy has confirmed his death by suicide.
Did it?
Yeah.
Now, to El's point, eight months ago at the start of his incarceration, John McAfee tweeted that, I will not kill
If I do, they will have killed me for all my cryptocurrency and the like and all my money.
He doesn't have a lot of money anymore.
And And no one could ever bribe an autopsy board to look the other way on anything.
Nope.
Totally above board.
Totally legitimate.
And he said it meant I will never kill myself.
If they killed me, it's for my money.
Hence dollar sign whack.
Uh, but no, now we have the official autopsy and, and it's confirmed
that he committed suicide.
And no one could ever bribe an autopsy board to look the other way on anything.
Nope.
Totally above board.
Totally legitimate.
So yes.
Uh, but this, the McAfee thing to me is hilarious because he trafficked in these
He trafficked in this world for so long.
He was a guy who enjoyed right wing conspiracy theories and all these kinds of things.
He was constantly getting in trouble with the law.
I mean, there was that possibility that he murdered someone in Belize.
So he, in a way, McAfee knew that one of the easiest ways to get attention for himself was to constantly talk about the fact that he'll never kill himself.
I have a dead man switch and if anyone ever comes at me, all the dirt on all the bad people in the world is going to get out there and it's going to blow the roof off of things.
31 terabytes.
He specifically said that his dead man switch was 31 terabytes of data that would bring down the cabal, which if he was sitting on that much information that could bring down, and he's a proponent of Q, so he definitely thought he had 31 or said he had 31 terabytes that could bring down literal baby eating pedophiles, and he just kept it to himself for his own protection.
That reminds me, very hilariously, back when the days of QAnon being on Twitter was a thing, there was this sub-sect, this Q-adjacent sect of angry people that were chasing down internet pedophiles, as it were, called the Dragon's Den.
The leader of the Dragon's Den, who was totally not a cliche in the most obvious ways possible, who called herself the Mother of Dragons, made a post about how if Twitter took QAnon off of Twitter, she would post all of her information of all of the pedophile rings that Twitter was protecting through hashtags and whatnot, will you, on their social media platform.
And my reaction was, why would you use this for blackmails and just exposing pedophile networks directly?
Like, we're here to save children, but we'd rather keep QAnon on Twitter than save the children.
So we'll use the children as blackmail against Twitter in the future.
The children make a fantastic shield.
Yes!
Now, it should be worth noting on John McAfee that he recorded himself several times saying, I have not paid taxes in eight years, I didn't file, and I won't.
IRS, come and get me.
So his conviction upon being extradited back to America was Sarge's lock of the week.
It's kind of hard to wriggle out of confessing to your crime on camera.
And broadcasting it to the world.
So for those of you who listened today, Sarge is saying to take McAfee getting convicted in court, the Clippers and the Lightning minus a goal and a half tonight.
That's his three-team parlay lock.
Big money.
Big money from Sarge.
Sarge's three-way lock of the week.
Lock sound effect of the week.
Are we just not doing phrasing anymore?
No, we're absolutely not.
Oh, this fucking loon.
I just love the fact that, as you just said, he was basically saying, I've committed crimes and I dare you to catch me for those crimes.
And really, when you look at it from the point of view of what McAfee's life had been up to the moment before he got grabbed by Spanish authorities, he'd always skated on this shit.
always living this weird life where he was this like, dashing rogue who was on a yacht that was an international water so
no one could get him. And every time he docked and got into
trouble, he always found a way to get away from it. So I can
totally see where this like kind of like real life criminal mastermind who finally gets pinched by Spanish authorities.
And he's just thinking, well, the money I do have, it may not
be in the billions, it may not be this massive quantity of wealth, but my money and my influence has always gotten me
out of these prisons before.
Now that I'm going into the hole for some period of time, I'm going to put out a notice I ain't gonna kill myself.
They ain't gonna get me.
McAfee's gonna get through this.
And then, eight months in, he finds out, oh wait, I'm not getting out of here.
And, oh wait, I'm actually going to a club fed, and those are really secure.
And I'm not getting out of America's jurisdiction.
So maybe, maybe it is time for me to get the check.
Maybe being a 75-year-old, adventuring, swashbuckling, lunatic millionaire, who now is never getting out of prison for the rest of my natural life.
Oh, yeah.
And the country of Belize also wants to talk to him about how his neighbor got fucking murdered.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
He's a person of interest.
I mean, so it's like, so this guy had a lot of things hanging over him and was probably never seeing the proverbial light of day again.
Oh, no, never again.
Unless it was through a chain link fence at a club fed.
So, And that's the thing is that all these people who are promoting this idea that he didn't kill himself and he said he would never kill himself, as you pointed out, everything he said in that vein was almost a year old.
It was a long time ago when his circumstances were drastically different.
I mean, wasn't one of his more recent tweets something to the effect of, I don't speak Spanish, much less Catalanese, so I don't have many friends in here.
Life is kind of bleak and crummy.
This sucks, basically.
Yeah, his last tweet was very, very...
grim and suicidal. And his lawyer is upset because they kept the 75 year old man in jail
for financial crimes for eight months. But the 75 year old man is John McAfee, a guy
who is very famous for fleeing countries on boats when he is charged with crimes.
Like, he is possibly the greatest flight risk that has ever existed.
And yeah, so he just got to live in jail.
I don't know, who was that big drug kingpin that had that elaborate tunnel built for him?
Oh, El Chapo.
Yeah, I feel like El Chapo was probably a bigger player.
Considering he was fleeing from the inside of the prisons.
Yeah, he had like a motorcycle in the tunnel or whatever.
Yeah, and one of the things, so my favorite part about all the people who are just like, oh my god, the first they got Epstein, now they've got McAfee, is that the difference is Epstein seemed like he knew stuff, McAfee seems like he had nothing.
Like, he was just on the run for doing regular white person crimes, like...
As opposed to Epstein, who was actually involved in a global pedophile sex ring or whatever.
So, it's disingenuous to the memory of our dearly departed Epstein to claim that McGaffey was in the same boat.
He wasn't.
He had nothing.
Yeah.
He's also, McAfee's a known liar because he stated that if Bitcoin, Bitcoin would jump to half a million within three years and adding, if not, I will eat my own dick on national television.
And as far as I know, he did not eat his own dick.
I think, well, he needed that dick in order to fuck whales, because that was one of his other really awesome- Yeah, he's pretty famous for that whale fucking tweet.
I mean, it's really, that's the problem, it's what they always said, you can build a hundred houses- But you say you want to fuck one whale.
Right, you want to go fuck one whale, bam, done.
Do you have the text of that up?
Hold on.
They only remember you for the whales that you wanna fuck.
Right!
Exactly.
And let's put that on a quote.
Let's attribute that quote to John McAfee and put it on some shirts.
Make a quick buck off of this suicide.
Yeah, okay.
December 31st, 2018.
John McAfee, RIP.
Enough of the whale fucking is non-consensual bullshit.
A humpback whale weighs 70,000 pounds, is 50 feet long, and can dive more than a quarter mile, and can crush ships with a single sweep of its tail.
If a human manages to fuck one, you damn well better believe it's consensual.
Yes!
Yeah, so Pat McAfee, Bob McAfee, Jim McAfee, I confused him with that punter guy who now does the Sports Talk Radio, but John McAfee, known lunatic, alleged dick consumer, and alleged whale fucker.
Uh, ends up, uh, committing suicide when, basically, the fun stopped for him.
I mean, that's really what this comes down to, is that this guy was a 75 year old living the craziest life he possibly could, uh, based off of not very good antiviral software that he got a lot of people to buy a long time ago, and...
Then his dumb, as Elle stated, white guy crimes caught up to him.
He was a belligerent asshole about it, as you said.
He was literally like, I haven't paid taxes, I'm not gonna pay taxes, come get me, bros.
And then they come and got him.
And it's so dumb because We know how- And then they come and got him!
And then they found out he was in Spain and the American government was just like, hey, can you hold on to that guy for us?
And they're like, yeah, all right.
And that was the end of John McAfee.
I am looking at his Twitter for the first time ever.
I did not know that his profile picture is him over an image of Jonathan Joestar from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure.
I thought you were going to say him over a humpback whale covered in grease.
He told some guy that you need to get out more.
Whale fucking has become the hottest debated item in the Fiji Islands right now.
Somewhere off the coast of the Fiji Islands, CeeLo Green is shoveling sleeping pills into the water.
McAfee said it was cool!
You don't need consent if they're asleep.
Yeah.
CeeLo Green.
Oh, man.
The deep cut of human trash is CeeLo Green.
That guy was like the biggest milkshake duck in a while.
That was really quite a turn of events for that man's career.
When he was on top of the world for releasing that Dynamite album about boating, and then decided to take to Twitter and tell the world that he believes sleep is consent.
Yes!
That still bums me out to this day.
The Gnarls Barkley albums are amazing, and I just cannot enjoy them anymore.
Oh yeah, that's one of those things where you just can't separate the artist from the art.
You're like, whoa, that guy's a monster!
Oops.
Yeah, that is not good.
I can if it comes on, like, around me.
Like, if I have no control over it, I can still appreciate the music, but I don't really seek it out to play it anymore because I don't feel like supporting that.
Uh, like, you know, self-admitted... I mean, I don't want to get in legally trouble for saying the R-word, so I'll just say, uh, non-consent enthusiast CeeLo Green.
Yes!
Yeah, the massive amounts of money he's paid out to, I believe, three different women that have very large NDAs.
It's just like, bro, just pay for sex the old-fashioned way.
It's so much cheaper.
So much cheaper and consent.
It's like the whole package.
Oh, it's all that and a bag of chips.
It's so good.
So, McAfee may have been iced by the Clintons and the Cabal and all these other people.
Oh yeah, no, it was definitely the Clintons, for sure.
Our beautiful boy, Tucker Carlson, seems to be drawing the ire of our government as well in our new sub-news section known as What the Tuck.
What the f*** is Tucker Carlson up to now?
It's time for What the Tuck.
I want to let you listeners know that Mike Rades did not tell us about that drop before he played it, and it's great.
I'm glad I was surprised.
The reason I didn't react to it is because, while we're showing the audience how the sausage is made, sometimes the interface we use to record our podcast does not allow me to hear the drops, so I just had to imagine the funny thing that our friend Frosty was saying.
No, that was great.
I love that.
Man, Tucker is up to some shit, and the NSA wants to know about it, except they don't.
Yeah.
So basically, Tucker Carlson, what's really awesome about this is that his story has changed over the course of the last few days, where originally Tucker claimed the NSA was looking into his text messages.
And then a couple days later, he was like, no, they're looking into my emails, they're snitching on my emails.
So apparently the NSA has access to like, literally all of his electronics, and are Just meddling in his affairs.
And what's really interesting about this on the part one is that he is like literally the golden boy of Fox News, which is allegedly a investigative journalist outlet that could dig into his claims.
The NSA is out to get him.
And they could, like, have reporters do stuff.
They could interview Tuck.
They could get his evidence for what is happening to him.
And, like, Fox News, if you go to their website or you listen to any of their shows, they have no idea what Tucker Carlson is talking about.
Old Tuck Tuck is just going on this crazy jag about something that the right wing in America has talked about for forever, which is evil leftists like Obama and Biden and the Clintons spying on their enemies.
He doesn't have anything to do with jag.
He thinks the military is too woke and is too feminine.
When is somebody going to tell Tuck that real patriots with a capital P, as in the New England Patriots, spy on their enemies?
Well, the NSA did that.
They released an official statement saying, no, we're not spying on Tucker Carlson and he's never been a target.
The NSA's purview does not include spying on Americans.
We investigate foreign governments and foreign nationals, not Americans.
I mean, that's total horseshit, but I also don't think that they have a reason to spy on Tucker Carlson.
Yeah, I think it was just their professional way of saying, no, we don't give a shit about you, Tucker.
You're just a talking head.
And I mean, convincing me that the NSA does not spy on the American populace.
I mean, unless they're just like, oh, that's the FBI's thing.
Like, you know, unless they just want to throw some other agency under the bus is the ones that are clearly doing that.
We did pass that Patriot Act, remember?
Remember that glorious act?
Yeah, they can, but they need like exigent circumstances and like a court order to...
Move their operations to an American on American soil.
Oh yeah, sure thing, bud.
Which they go over in the release.
That's what they need to do it above board.
I'm not saying they don't spy on Americans, but I do not believe for a second that the NSA gives one fuck about Tucker Carlson.
The only way I could see them caring about Tucker Carlson is if Like that, uh, that muckracker's report that he is, like, a secret source just dishing all the dirt on everybody.
Like, if somehow the government caught wind of the fact that Tucker Carlson is just this, like, crazy loose sieve of information, I can see them maybe sticking somewhat on him.
But, I mean, to what end?
Like, who are they hoping they're going to bring down with whatever Tuck knows?
The thing about this that really gets me is that I actually saw some QAnon promoters talking about how Tuck is being targeted and the NSA's denial wasn't a full denial, so maybe they are going after Tuck and they're trying to measure their words carefully.
And it's like, if you read the NSA's statement, the big thing about that is that If the NSA... What the NSA is trying to say is we're an outward-facing organization, so we're not going after Tucker Carlson.
The only way we could go after Tuck is if he was actually in bed with foreign agents that we were actively tracking and monitoring.
And that led us... That meant that when we cast our net for those foreign nationals, we caught Tucker Carlson in them by accident!
Oh shit, are we saying that the NSA's position is that Tucker Carlson is a member of Al-Qaeda?
Or ISIS or something. Yes, it's very possible that time to be whatever the KGB is now
Most likely without going over. Yeah, yeah, but yeah, it's it's just that kind of thing. It's just the fact that you
have This is what this is the whole thing about quote-unquote FISA
gate with Carter page Was that Carter page was such a big enough dumb dumb that
he got hit up by Russian agents basically again grew and
He was willing to talk to them and so on and so forth and that led to
FISA warrants being issued for him because he was in league with Russian nationals and
And that's how he got caught in that, in that mess.
So, like, if Tucker is involved in anything involving the NSA, like, on the up-and-up level of what the NSA says they're all about, it's only because he's dealing with people that the NSA was already looking into, and then they were like, oh my god, Boris is on the phone with Tucker Carlson, what the fuck is going on there?
And then one thing led to another, and now, like, that's what happened.
But, Really, if you think about it from that line of questioning or that line of reasoning, for Tucker's sake and for everybody else's sake, you better hope he's just lying about all this shit.
Because if he's like, the NSA is after me and it's all bullshit, then it's going to be like, oh wait, it turns out that Tucker was balls deep in Russiagate in 2016 and was helping them.
The Trump campaign laundered data to Russian oligarchs.
And yeah, we actually got him on that too.
So it's like, for his sake, I hope he's full of shit, much like he was back when he was the guy that was going to bring down Hunter Biden with the secret documents that only he had.
And then the NSA somehow intercepted them while they were in transit from the post office to his office.
Or whatever that dog ate my homework story was back during the campaign.
It's always for their protection or they, like Butterfingers, oops, they lost it.
The information that is going to bring down the big, the big bad, the cabal, the deep state, Hunter Biden.
Well, I mean, John McAfee's corpse is currently radiating his Deadman Switch and is transmitting wirelessly the 31 gazillion quantu-twilliabytes or whatever, however big that number was.
So, because his stupid someone put out his final Instagram was just a queue, QAnon They gobbled that shit up and they just started scouring over any random number that could be associated with that Instagram post and they now believe that it leads to a secret crypto wallet that holds the 31 terabytes, the legendary John McAfee dead man switch 31 terabytes.
They've gone from being digital soldiers to digital goonies.
Yeah, somehow we didn't get to that earlier.
It gets, it gets dumber.
Oh yeah, that reminded me also is that there's also a belief in the QAnon universe that McAfee purchased like a non-fungible token with Bitcoin or something and put that NFT into the blockchain of the crypto.
So it's now permanently in the web, the 31 terabytes of data that will bring down everything stored in that non-fungible token.
You're just saying words now.
Yeah, I know!
Exactly!
It's all just buzzwords.
It's all nonsense.
It's just designed to confuse boomers.
But it's there.
And the other thing that's really funny is the stuff that they thought was the secret encoding was actually just Instagram metadata that every photograph gets when he goes on to Instagram.
So there's actually, there's no, it's not an arrow pointing to the secret treasure.
It's nothing.
But McAfee was the king of computers.
He could have easily have hacked into the bypass networks of Instagram's algorithm.
Hack the planet!
Get in there, get into that metadata.
It really just hackers it up.
Hack the planet!
I have never thought I would laugh that hard at the term bypass algorithm or whatever it was you said.
Bypass.
Oh my god.
That just killed me.
That was such a perfect, dumb, technobabble thing you say in a television show when you are just trying to glide that line of dialogue through the rubes so they just accept it and let you get to the exposition you're trying to give them.
Speaking of gliding it through the rubes, I hear that the Trump Organization is in some trouble.
Yeah, our beautiful boys of the Trump Organization are expecting to receive indictments tomorrow for quote-unquote crimes.
We don't know exactly how devastating these crimes are, but the man in the crosshairs At the moment is Allen Weisselberg, who was the CFO of TrumpOrg for the longest of times.
And there has been talk that they're going after him for, quote unquote, improprieties and fringe benefits, like he got all kinds of gifts and other perks from his job that he didn't pay taxes on as a tax dodge.
Or maybe they're actually going to go after him for like meteor tax evasion charges.
Uh, based off the fact that, again, like, Trump's books are so obviously cooked to high heaven that there's a reason why our, when he was our esteemed president, he wouldn't let anyone look at his tax returns.
Oh, yeah, because he knew it would give them four years to sharpen their knives.
Yeah.
Or, well, he probably thought eight.
Yeah, or he thought lifetime.
He thought he was, I mean, like, that is one of my favorite things, uh, that QAnon would always talk about.
They were like, The media always called Trump a dictator.
Well, if you don't want to be a dictator, don't get in front of a podium with a microphone and say, maybe I'll be president for 20 years.
Who knows?
Two-term thing, two-shmirm thing.
If you don't want to be called a dictator, stop tating dicks.
Pretty simple.
It really is.
It really is.
They're coming for everyone at the top of the Trump Organization, right?
They're saying, like, everyone, if you were involved there, is probably getting an indictment.
It's gonna be really, I mean, it's gonna be really interesting to see how it shakes out.
I mean, it's really funny that last week we basically hit stop on the recording, go on Twitter, McAfee's dead, oh shit.
And, like, this week we're now a day away from finding out, like, Who all wins the, you get an indictment, you get an indictment, everyone gets an indictment, Oprah show of the Trump org getting cuffed and stuff.
Do they go after the kids?
Do they just go after Weisselberg?
Do they only go after Weisselberg and maybe that Calamari guy, the bodyguard who they were also looking at for quote unquote fringe benefits that were probably ways to escape taxation.
One other thing I saw was Michael Cohen.
The moment he got arrested, he was like working for Trump still.
Trump like pulled his legal defense from Cohen, even though it was like part of like his contract with his employees that like, if you get into legal trouble, we will help pay your bills.
So people are talking about if like Weisselberg or others get indicted and, uh, The Trump Organization continues to fund their legal defense.
Is that, like, basically an admission of bribery?
Because they didn't want to pay Cohen's legal bills, and they knew Cohen was talking on them and squealing.
So if they keep paying the legal bills, does that mean, hey, we're paying for this, so no snitching.
Ixnay on the illegal bay, as it were.
No tixie faxies.
Yeah, no tixie faxies.
No double-seeker information.
No.
So, I mean, There's going to be a lot of, a lot of stuff is going to come to light tomorrow, depending on this, because I mean, we could get all kinds of crazy stuff.
I skimmed the Wall Street Journal article, and we just don't know.
Do you think that there is anything that could be revealed through this process that would affect Trump's power base at all?
No, absolutely not.
I mean, the only thing that could possibly happen to me is, like, if it turned out Trump was, like, giving all kinds of money to, like, liberals or something.
So this brings up something that I have come across in my research for an upcoming project, the backlash effect, where when you present people with facts disproving the thing that they believe, they only believe it harder.
It's a, it's a known thing.
We've, we've talked about it without calling it the backlash effect, but I've been reading about the backlash effect.
So I don't, if they come out with just straight up, yo, Trump stole $5 from everyone in America, they'll just be like, ah, the deep state, the fix is in.
That would be, I think they could even like say like, look, check your bank account.
You have this, you have this withdrawal from not trumped shady grift company, like right here.
Like literally they stuck it through the treasury.
This was the date.
This is when it happened.
You can find it.
And people will look at that and be like, those damn Clintons.
Did it again.
It's always the Clintons.
It'll always be the Clintons.
It'll be like, it was in 2018 when Trump was president.
How could Trump have rigged the Treasury?
I mean, how could the Clintons have rigged the Treasury under Trump?
And they'll just be like, it was the deep state.
This is one of the things that I've been thinking about for the past few days about Trump and Q and what's happening to them in our modern world.
And I really think you're going to get a lot of myth making that's going to be coming up in the next few months and years where you're going to go from Trump and Q being these like practically all powerful gods that were like crushing the deep state left and right and just owning everybody and having full control of the government and all of its might.
To being basically just brave plucky underdogs desperately trying to rein in the monolithic power of the deep state and that Trump barely had any control over his government the whole time he was in office.
Well, I mean, he's still out there holding rallies in Georgia?
Is that what's going on?
Ohio.
He was in Ohio.
Okay?
Yeah, he was in Ohio in a town that was like 90% white, I think was the demographics I saw.
Like, basically, small town Ohio is where our beautiful orange boy went to get his latest dopamine hit from having a crowd listen to him rant and rave about how the election was stolen from him, how he did the greatest job on COVID ever, and just all of that stuff.
And it's What's really strange about it is I kind of feel like not enough people are paying attention to the stuff he's doing.
You mean like a random rally to literally just line his pockets because there's no election happening?
Right.
I mean, I just, I mean, I just feel like he is going to see that like, there's just not enough juice in that kind of thing.
And just like the Trump does a rally thing.
I know he's getting ready to do his big ticket speaking tour with Bill O'Reilly in the, in, in the winter and that kind of stuff.
And he's, he's going to be trying to work.
I haven't heard about that.
This Ohio rally I kept seeing on Twitter and everything.
So I was like, wait, there's a Trump rally?
So it was just 100% grifting.
It was just 100% stealing money?
100% grifting. It was just 100% stealing money.
Yeah, absolutely.
It was just Trump showing up, talking to people, just doing the thing where he does, where he just whines and plays all the classic hits.
Just talks about making America great and all that good stuff.
And when I was president, we were in great shape.
Now we're in rough shape and daggummit.
And the thing is, is I just feel that at some point he is going to realize he's got to make the big move.
And the big move for him is just declaring he's going to run for president in 2024.
I mean, I'm amazed he's had the restraint to not say that through this point, because he knows that that's the only thing he can say that's like the big move.
And he's trying to hold off on doing it for as long as he can, but Yeah, over under on how long that's going to be.
I think before the year's out, he announces.
Oh, absolutely.
I would say, I would definitely say, I'll set the line on that.
January 1st, 2022, Trump declares candidacy for president.
I mean, I wonder how much of the weird Mike Lindell telling him he's going to be president soon.
I wonder how much of that kind of stuff has made the hamsters in his brain happy or placated such that he hasn't declared he's going to run again yet.
At some point, this dumb Arizona audit thing and just outright scam that Bannon and Lindell and Byrne and all these other clowns are doing, eventually Trump's going to realize he's not president again.
And once that kind of sinks in, That's when he's going to be like, hey, I'm not president yet.
I better run for president again to get presidency.
What?
Can you have a Grima Wormtongue when everyone, including the guy running, is Grima Wormtongue?
Like everyone around him is a Wormtongue and he himself is his own Wormtongue.
I didn't think it was possible.
He definitely believes his own press and will just believe any old thing you tell him.
I think he is like Theoden, only he wants to believe it.
It's like Grima snuck in to Rohan and was getting ready to manipulate the king.
And then he was just like, wait, the king just buys into this shit.
What the fuck?
This is easier than I ever thought it was going to be.
I had all this magic and spells and I was going to do all this stuff.
And no, he's just into it.
He just believes.
He's like, I had a whole thing.
This is bullshit.
This is way too easy.
He's like, get this guy out of here.
Get me a real king with morals and integrity.
Someone I can spend years crafting my plan to break down his resolve and corrupt him.
He like, he wormtongues himself somehow.
He's just like, this was too easy.
Way too easy.
He just like gets all paranoid and shifty.
Meanwhile, the rest of the cabinet is just other Wormtongues who are totally cool with it.
It's a whole campaign of Wormtongues, including the guy at the talk, his own Wormtongue.
I'm now just imagining Eomer and Eowyn being, like, just terrible people.
They're like Jared and Ivanka.
Or, like, Ivanka and Don Jr.
And they're just corrupting him.
And, like, actual Grima is, like, Steve Bannon who walks in and is like, fuck, they've already done it.
I don't even got anything to work with here.
What the fuck?
It's like, oh...
But, uh, yeah, I just think that it's really wild that you have this guy who has one trick left, and I don't know when he's going to play it, but when that happens it's going to be very funny because there are plenty of people in QAnon who have been like, Trump will never declare he is running for president in 2024 because he already is the president, or he knows he's going to get reinstalled as president, or something's going to happen, but But him being elected president in 2024 and then being sworn in in 2025 is way too late.
It won't fix nothing.
So we can't do that.
So it'll never happen.
I mean, they've just worked themselves into this lather.
Do we know what the location is for the capper on his tour with O'Reilly?
Because if it's in D.C.
or New York, I'm assuming that that is a good time for Trump to drop the, I'm re-running for president bomb.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hold on.
Yeah, I got it.
I'm looking forward to it.
I was going to say, you got to keep talking.
It's just like, oh, yeah, by the way, thanks for coming out to our final show.
And also, I'm going to be president again!
Who drops Mike and then, like, stumbles down the stairs.
Yeah, that has a marine assist to him and walking down a ramp.
Uh, it look, uh, oh, well this, this is gonna, this is gonna get all of QAnon's jimmies jangled.
Uh, What would be the third best city for Trump to declare his run for the presidency in, besides DC or New York, if you're an obsessed QAnon nut?
Probably, like, Philly, right?
Why wouldn't it be Philly?
I don't know why you're puzzled.
I'm just thinking of, like, Revolutionary War stuff.
What is the origin story of the QAnon mythos?
Where did that happen?
I do not know what you are getting at.
Maybe I'm just a bad Q pundit.
It's a fun game for the people listening, I hope.
But the game's over.
Spill the beans.
Dallas, Texas.
You keep that in your pants for your solo podcast.
QAnon loves that.
QAnon is all about the Kennedy assassination.
Donald Trump is all about Mar-a-Lago.
It could have just as easily been like Orlando.
You could have told me Tampa and I would have been like, yep.
Yeah, Tampa Bay?
He wants to go where all the rings are going?
Well, what's funny is that there's only four stops on this tour, because Grandpa Pop Pop doesn't have the stamina to do this for very long.
So December 11th and 12th are Sunrise, Florida and Orlando, Florida, and then the 18th and the 19th are Houston and Dallas.
So he needs a whole week to recharge.
Yeah, nice speaking tour going to a whopping two states.
He's just like, yeah, the dick of America, and then Texas, the dicks of America.
He just wants to get down to America's team, the Cowboys.
Yes, that would be so great.
Yeah, he's checking in on Dax, seeing how he's feeling.
How's the ankle?
How you doing?
You guys feel like you're gonna stop being irrelevant anytime soon?
Just ask him for a friend.
Yeah, I mean, Robert Kraft's my favorite owner in the NFL, but Jerry's second, and I'd love to see a Cowboys-Patriots Super Bowl, so if you guys could, like, I don't know, quit sucking and make that happen?
Your division sucks!
You play in a division with a team literally named Football Team!
That's how dumb they are!
Come on, let's go!
Speaking of which, more topical sports stuff, so the other day I was looking at the Canadiens logo for the first time like ever, like actually visually taking it in.
Like a true American.
Yeah, so I'm looking at the logo for the Montreal Canadiens, and I'm just like, what does the H stand for?
And so, me and my roommate didn't know, so we looked it up online, and it stands for hockey!
Which means, everybody's been dogpiling a Washington football team as well they should.
But also, if you need a reason to hate the Canadians, they are literally Canadian Hockey Team!
That is the name of their team!
There's no reason to reinvent the wheel.
Canadian Hockey Team.
What are we?
Canadian Hockey Team.
Yeah, we are Canadian Hockey Team.
Done.
Do we need to workshop that some more?
No.
We got it in one.
Everyone go home.
Canadian Hockey Team.
CH.
Print it up.
I just found out that apparently Bruins fans and Canadians fans have like a rivalry or whatever.
I know so little about regional sports rivalries.
The city of Boston has a rivalry, it thinks, with everyone.
Oh, Boston is the little brother of all of cities in America.
It's the biggest little brother that ever existed.
We hate the Yankees.
We hate the Canadians.
We hate the Jets.
We basically hate all New York sports teams, even though the Patriots are like 10 times better than the New York Jets.
It's ridiculous.
You don't own hating the Yankees.
That's an everyone.
Well, you pump the brakes there, champ.
I feel like the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry is the baseball rivalry.
Yeah, I would agree there.
But the thing that makes me laugh, though, is that at least with the Yankees-Red Sox, the Yankees are the big brother.
We are the weaker sister that should be obsessed with them and being like, we're going to get you one day, Yankees.
And even though in modern times we have kind of got you, you still have 26 world titles or whatever.
So you're better than us, but whatever.
Whereas, you go on a Patriot forum anywhere, and you'll just see people being like, fuck the Jets!
Yeah!
Patriots!
How many of those Yankee championships were before black people were allowed in the league?
Oh, tons.
Absolutely tons.
I mean, it's ridiculous.
But then the Yankees just used the power of money to be good after black people were available.
Yes.
It's just like, the Yankees were historically good, but it's easy to hate New York.
It's just easy to hate New York in the same way it's easy to hate Boston.
These big cities, you can just punch them right in the face.
It's so good.
And the fun thing now for people who hate the Yankees is their current owner doesn't like spending money so the Yankees are just not good and everyone who loves the Yankees hates their owner because he just won't do anything.
I've heard on the radio that the Yankees this year are sort of like a carousel and that everyone's getting to ride it.
Yes.
They're just getting paddled left and right.
It's great.
The Kansas City Royals are partially owned by the Waltons, you know, of Walmart.
They only have a little money and we're just a farm team.
So, anyway, this has been Sports Patriots Nation, our sports podcast within a podcast.
So, meanwhile, back at Q-Shit, what's this deep rig I had a wild segway for this, but I didn't want to steal yet another segway from you.
I manhandled that segway back in.
We were talking about sports for 10 minutes.
Mine wasn't much better, because you brought up farming, and I was going to go, man, you know what you need for farming?
A deep rig!
If you could really get one, I'd prefer a premier deep rig.
I want my deep rigs to be the premier one.
I don't want the like, oh, the best value deep rig.
Yeah, I want the John Deere deep rig premier.
That sounds like a real thing.
All I'm doing is imagining Sarge and Elle's hands reaching for the wheel to try to pull it 90 degrees to get it back on the road.
I let sports talk go on longer than I should have, but we were having fun.
I mean, whatever.
The rest of this episode's been a bummer.
We've been having to talk about a dude killing himself and our normal Q bullshit.
I feel like we could lighten it up with a little sports talk.
A little sports talk radio!
But, uh, so the Deep Rig.
Uh, what's really hilarious here is that this is a... This is the latest in the long line of shit movies being made by either the Overstock guy or the Michael guy.
Movie?
I thought we were talking about vaping.
I thought you were gonna tell me how many ohms this rig got.
I wish.
I wish we were segwaying into the vape set part of our- What sort of coil do you have in that deep rig?
What's your favorite oil?
I like watermelon.
So, Mr. Deep Rig here, from basically the people who made Absolute 9-0 and Absolute Corruption, Absolute whatever the fuck it is the MyPillow guy was saying.
So Patrick Byrne was feeling left out of the making a shitty movie claiming that Trump got jobbed at the election.
So he made this Deep Rig movie.
Apparently, he was so unaware as to the factionalization of QAnon, That the people that made this movie were in cahoots with a cretin known as Austin Steinbart, a.k.a.
Baby Q, who is the most hated QAnon promoter in all of QAnon.
Because he is such a sociopath, idiot piece of shit, that he just walked into the scene and was like, Okay everybody, I want to make this clear to you.
I'm actually Q. I'm the Q. It's me.
But now the reason why you don't know that is because the actual Q that is me, Austin Steinbart, is in the future.
And future me is sending messages to me in the past to help me decode the messages that Q has made from the future.
Whoa, no, hold on, back up, pause.
He is Are the messages like physical messages or is he receiving them in his brain?
Is it like a psychic emanation through time?
Is it like that CBS show where he got tomorrow's paper?
No, I do believe it's like some sort of energy message or that he is reading the cue drops to decode what future him has sent to present day him to understand what is going on here.
So, because he has... Shut the fuck up.
I know, it's so dumb.
It's incredibly dumb.
It is the most brazen grift in the world.
This guy is so confident and sociopathic.
He, he, uh, DM'd me, Travis View, Mike Rothschild, uh, Frederick Brennan.
Like, basically if, like, you were a big time, like, anti-QAnon person, he sent you this, like, series of DM photographs where, like, he was, like, in a server room, and he was at a computer, and he's, like, flexing, and he's giving the thumbs up to the camera, and he was just trying to, like, show all of us that, like- And he's not wearing pants!
Oh God, if only that was the case.
That would have been great.
If he was just, uh... If I got Steinbart on the full frontal, that would have been the hell of a series of DMs.
See, I was actually still picturing wearing some tighty-whities, but just, like, sitting around, like, wearing no pants and tighty-whities like a lunatic.
And in a button-up collared shirt, that would have been great.
Yeah, like it's the 70s and you don't have air conditioning.
Well, let me see if I still have the thread.
So, the guy who's receiving...
Tomorrow's news from Q, he himself being Q but he doesn't know it, is in a Trump-financed, and I use this word loosely, documentary called Deep Rig about stealing the election.
Do I have this right so far?
I don't know that he's actually in the movie, but what happened was, so they were like, OK, everybody, we're going to premiere the movie now.
It's going to be great.
And then they had a bunch of people come up to speak about the movie.
And one of the people they had speaking was Steinbart.
So he literally comes up on the stage and gives his presentation about what this movie means to him and how important the movement is and how we're fighting corruption, we're going to get Trump back in office.
And also TimeCube.
Yes!
Oh god.
If only the fucking guy who made TimeCube was back from the dead.
I'd be pilled then.
If TimeCube guy wasn't on this shit, that would be incredible.
And apparently this production company also had more ties to Steinbart, and he's made a movie with them as well.
So the fact that Byrne got in bed with these production people, and those people knew Steinbart, now a lot of QAnon is just like, look, Patrick Byrne's done a lot of good work for us, and we respect his efforts in the Patriot movement, for truth.
But...
Ooh, baby Q is, uh, we don't, we don't talk about him.
He ain't cool.
No, like stay away from him.
Cause, cause the main reason why they're mad at him is basically the same reason they're mad at Ghost Ezra is that he's poached their audience.
Like there were enough idiots that were willing to buy his shit because he would just crank out content.
And again, if you're just like this swaggering idiot moron talking shit, there are people in the QAnon community that are going to buy in because that's all they're looking for.
And he just keeps diluting the stream.
Yep!
And, oh, the other thing that was really great was... The time stream.
Yes!
Because he's from the future or whatever?
Marty!
We've gotta go back!
You're never gonna believe it!
We have to go back to 1955!
I don't believe it!
And be racist!
It's not hard, it's just 1955.
Yeah, just go with it.
The other... But we could be racist here, Doc!
The other really awesome thing that happened with Steinbart was when he tried to pass a court-ordered drug test, they caught him in the bathroom with a fake dick.
Not just a bag of pee?
A fake penis?
Nope, they caught him with a wizinator.
They caught him with one of those fake dicks.
Would you call it a deep rig?
Yes, they caught him with a deep rig.
All the names of these people's movies do seem like they could be porno titles.
Deep Rig, Absolute 9-0.
I mean, think about it.
Two-dicked Baby Q.
Yes.
Yes, and their most famous feature, two-dicked baby Q. Which you would think normally would very much offend QAnon, the idea of children.
Was it side-by-side or vertical?
Top-bottom.
diagonal like that like the two wanna die that'd be harder to use cuz then you're all catty
Yeah, I never said it.
I never said it ruled.
I'm just telling it how it is.
How does that work?
I'm going to have to make a no context cut of just a diagonal, like two on a die.
Oh, that was that was one of those things that you had to be there to understand how funny.
Yeah, animate that clip.
Yes, yes.
We'll talk to our production team about that.
Oh my god.
Do we want to go to my audience?
Yeah, do we want to go to the listener questions?
Or do we got anything else left to bring?
Do we want to let Mike speak briefly about whoever the fuck Gosart Fuentes is?
Yeah, sorry!
Yeah, I will finish up on our news of the day, as it were, with our boy Paul Gosart, who When the CPAC convention was happening, there was an alternate rally being held elsewhere, where our boy Gosar accidentally started shumming up with white nationalists at a rally, and then was like, oops-a-daisies, I guess I went to the wrong place, that'll never happen again, waka-waka.
And now it turns out that Paul Gossard is now going to be attending an American First rally, a fundraiser that is being run for him directly by Nick Fuentes, who is the head of what is called the Graper Movement.
The Groipers are basically a fat, ugly version of Pepe the Frog that is their mascot.
And Nick Fuentes himself is a Holocaust denier and a white nationalist piece of shit.
And so Mr. Gosert got involved with this group, and then when people brought it to his attention that, yo, dude, you are going to a fundraiser being run by a neo-Nazi Holocaust denier, his reaction was to tweet out, quote, Not sure why anyone is freaking out.
I'll say this, colon, there are millions of Gen Z, Y, and X conservatives.
They believe in America first.
They do not agree 100% on every issue no group does.
We will not let the left dictate our strategy, alliance, and efforts.
Ignore the left.
So, if Paul Gosert wants to go out and make a few bucks by palling around with Holocaust deniers, Paul Gosert is going to do it.
And the left can go pound sand about it, buddy.
Because, hey, I love how that statement just frames the Holocaust as a thing that you can just have differing opinions about, man.
Yeah.
Like climate change and all that other stuff that's not real, or is it?
What shape is the Earth?
Who could really say?
Yeah.
I mean, a lot of Gen Z thinks that the Holocaust is real and others have serious concerns.
Who am I to abandon that voter base of Holocaust deniers when they could potentially kick me a few bucks and Help me get on InfoWars, or wherever the hell it is that I'm looking to try to build the Gosart brand, as it were.
I wonder if you could interview, like, a hundred thousand eighteen-year-old, like, people in America.
Like, you know, the folks that are just freshly able to vote.
And you're just like, uh, yes, excuse me.
Uh, I'm here for the beat and I need to know, do you believe in the Holocaust?
And they'd be like, what?
Of course.
Yes.
What are you talking about?
It's like history.
Of course I believe in it.
We shot Schindler's List when I was in high school.
It was terrifying.
Agree to disagree!
Moving along!
How about you, young man?
Do you believe in the Holocaust?
Open for interpretation.
How did you get into our school?
Yes!
This is an English class, but yes.
I still believe in the Holocaust.
That's just your opinion, man!
Moving right along!
Sir, sir, this is a, this is a Costco.
Yeah, it's just really, like, it's insane that, like, this is the level of radicalization we have.
Now, I don't know how, uh, baked in his district is when it comes to being a Republican Democrat, but this is Arizona's fourth district, so Arizona is Uh, becoming a blue state.
I mean, we have two senators that are Democrats, technically.
Screw you, Sinema.
Um, and Biden carried the state last time around.
So, I, I mean, I know that when it comes to House, uh, districts, you can gerrymander the shit out of them and all that kind of stuff, but... Oh man, and boy howdy, they're only gonna get more blue over the next 20 years as Mother Nature continues to reclaim the West Coast.
But my heart really goes out to all you people suffering through that fucking heat over there, because boy howdy, I had to deal with it in the Midwest like a year or two ago when we got our big ass kicking.
That was rough.
I just looked up Mr. Gossard's district and it is Republican plus 22.
So yes, he is actually reaching out to his base, which are basically neo-Nazis, because he is afraid of being primaried from the right by a neo-Nazi.
Because that is a seat that the Republicans actually can't lose it, so you have to pander to crazy people if you want to keep it, which is kind of terrifying.
I love the idea of a safe Republican district is where you have to talk to neo-Nazis and speak their language, and then a safe Democrat district like the one Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's in New York is like, I want to give people health care!
And people are like, Boo!
You crazy radical!
Boo that woman!
And she's like, Hey, I'm in the Democrat plus 25 district.
I'm allowed to actually ask for people to get health care.
And that's okay in my district.
I'll win it anyways.
Whereas like this guy is in Arizona and he's like, Do I have to say the 14 words in order to get reelected?
What's the line here?
Where's the line for what I need to do?
In order to placate my constituency so that praying medic or major patriot, because all those guys live in Arizona, like, don't primary me.
I mean, look, we're going to have Congressman-elect David Hayes in a year and a half, and it's going to be fucking incredible.
What a surprise to find out those jabrones are in Arizona.
Guys, I have bad breaking news.
That Pete reporter we sent out for that Holocaust survey was shot to death in a confrontation with police outside of a Wawa.
So I don't think we're ever going to get that data.
Rest in peace, probably a neo-Nazi reporter, man.
We should not have put him on the payroll.
That was a mistake by our staffing.
Your trademark vintage brown, like, leg-length newsy coat will not be forgotten.
Do you have the little paper in the side of his hat that said press?
Absolutely.
And also a domino mask for some reason.
That should have been a big tip off that he wasn't the right guy for the job, but... Mistakes were made.
It's more elaborate by the second.
Yeah.
So now that we've covered all the hard-hitting news and mourned the passing of our field reporter, it's time to get into the mailbag.
Our listeners got questions, we got answers.
It's time for Q and A.
So, first up, Nark asks, as a group or individually, if the Q or QAnon were a movie or TV show, what song would you think would represent it as a theme song?
And same question for the bad guys as the cabal.
Oh, Q as a theme song.
Jeez.
Come on knock on our door.
We've been waiting for Q.
Devil went down to Georgia's too narrow.
Yeah.
And I will always love Q.
That's possible.
The problem for me is like, is the song like really like kind of like pro-Q and like how they see themselves in a way?
Or is it kind of like a more on the nose kind of song that like talks about them?
Because like, Cult of Personality is like the number one song in like that genre for like what QAnon actually is.
Oh man, can it be a custom-written song?
Could it be, like, an 80s... You know how, like, cartoons in the 80s, their theme songs would, like, describe to you the plot of what was happening in the show, in case you were checked out?
Because their target demographic were the very stoned and the very young toy-buying market, can we get a cue intro made where it just describes the plot?
Maybe by they might be giants.
But it's also like 15 minutes long because stuff just keeps getting added.
And it's filled with random numbers.
Yeah, just like, and apparently Joe Biden's hologram or whatever is just shredding on a guitar in the background.
There is a The guy I always talk about on Twitter and whenever I mention his name my engagement like like falls away like a stone But I just hate him so much.
I have to talk about him a call for an uprising He has like a 30-second intro to his Some of his videos that is like so on the nose about this stuff it has Hillary and all these bad people in the basement of a pizza dungeon, like, like, eating babies.
And it has a bunch of, uh, it has, like, a flagpole that has all these different flags on it.
One of them's, like, the gay pride flag.
And something, like, maybe a BLM flag.
But it also has the flag of Israel on it, because the guy's, like, totally not subtle at all.
And it's just, like, the kind of thing where it's just, like, if you want to know what brain worms I have, just watch this.
It's like, holy shit, dude.
Like, that is, like, the most brutal thing in the world.
Um, the... So, yeah, I think probably, like, actually finding out how Q would see themselves.
I feel like for them, their intro would be basically like the Battle Hymn of the Republic, or like, uh, Flight of the Valkyries.
I mean, for me, it's like the Inspector Gadget theme, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Because that's just sort of their general vibe.
Yes.
Just yakety-sax.
It's Yackety Sax, only there isn't a thrilling chase scene going on in the background.
QAnon never goes anywhere.
It's Yackety Sax, but it just involves some guy frantically and angrily typing on his keyboard, trying to make the spiciest meme.
Or some slubby older white dude with frosted tips checking a ballot for soy sauce.
That is what it is.
It's Yackety Sax played over one of the live feeds of the Arizona Audit where you just see people like looking at a ballot for two seconds and hitting a button and they're just moving along and it's like in super fast motion and you just keep cutting from like feed to feed to like uh At one point they just had like these people like the turntables or they were looking at the ballots they were like spinning around on the turntable and it was just like oh my god this is such a clown show and all of the grifters are so happy that this thing is going to
Drag out until August for the big payoff, which is literally going to be Cyber Ninjas like running away with the bag of money, wearing a cartoon villain mask that like only covers like the frames of their eyes and the sack of money of the giant dollar sign drawn on it and running away.
I mean, it's gonna be so brutal.
That Deep Rig movie, By the Bye, actually features the CEO of Cyber Ninjas as a quote unquote anonymous person.
Yeah, I saw that.
And the first clip actually has his real voice, and people caught it, so then they started dubbing his voice.
And one of the things that was slow and menacing, and they did another one where he was Alvin the Chipmunk talking about the corruption in Arizona.
It was great.
So, yeah.
All of that is gonna just go over so well, and now my brain is stuck just looking at quote-unquote ballot inspectors with Yackety Sax playing in the background.
Well, we got there.
We got there, boys.
Yeah.
But what would be the anti-QAnon theme song?
Is that like the introduction to Bill Nye the Science Guy or something?
I feel like that would be a more trenchant sort of bit of music than just this fluffy nonsense we're throwing around here.
I mean, what really is the opposite of Q when you think about it?
It's just, it's so much.
It would be quite a lot to encompass in one song.
Oh, Baba Yetu from the Civilization series.
Yeah, that's the opposite of Q to me.
Done.
I co-sign this.
So, I think we covered that.
Actually, NARC also jokingly put in American Idiot as a QAnon theme song, which I will accept.
If only it were just American at this point.
Is their song out there just called Idiot?
I'm sure there is.
Yes!
Don't wanna be an idiot!
Old McWatkins asks, if a meteorite was heading straight for us and your only chance of survival was to join either Major Dad or Praying Medic in a bunker, who would you jump in with?
And the answer is Major Dad, because he's just a dumb weirdo.
Praying Medic is an actual grifter scumbag, and I would be, like, really kind of offended.
Because he would be sitting there going, hey, I can faith heal you with my magic hands.
I'd be like, no, David Hayes, you actually can't.
And please, don't talk to me.
This is bad.
What kind of death am I dodging?
A meteorite is going to smash into the earth and you have to jump into a bunker to avoid being caught in the blast radius of that meteorite.
I don't know, the meteor's sounding pretty good.
The meteor would be quick.
I mean, you're not going to know.
What a cop out.
Sarge over here copping out.
Yes.
They're both fake former military, right?
No, I don't think Medic ever said he was military.
Medic's backstory was that he was an EMT who knew he had God-given powers to resuscitate the people that were in his ambulance.
And so while he was working on them, He's a cleric.
would like literally have an internal dialogue praying to God asking God if
the person in his who was like bleeding out in his ambulance was worthy of being
saved or not so he's a man of God he's got a cleric yeah yeah that sounds
useful in the apocalypse you should probably go with him yeah I gotta go
with I gotta go with the cleric This is true.
Major Tad doesn't have anything going for him.
He doesn't have superpowers?
No!
As a matter of fact, at one point, back when he was whining about masks, I think he claimed he was 75% disabled for his veteran's disability or something.
So, when you go with a guy who claims to be mostly disabled versus a literal cleric, I guess if this is a post-apocalyptic role-playing game, I have to go with Medic.
If this is reality, I'm going with Major Dad, because the reality is that playing Medic is a worse person, because he's actively making money off this.
Major Dad just got famous and doesn't know what to do with himself, because he's just a guy, basically.
Well, he's Gab-famous now, right?
Yes, he's Gab-famous.
Him and the guy who hates LeBron James are, like, posting about me once a week, being like, Hey, look at Poker's engagement on Twitter!
It ain't nothing compared to ours!
And it's like, my engagement's on Twitter, assholes.
Like, fuck you.
Yeah, the much larger platform.
Yeah, you might call it, like, endless room for growth, I guess.
Like, I have random famous people that I never would have thought I would have talked to in a trillion years actually talk to me.
Patricia Arquette replies to my messages like, well, twice a year, which is so fucking weird.
Thank you, Patricia Arquette, for fighting the good fight.
Yes, I much appreciate it.
Support the podcast.
We love you.
Yes!
Shout out the podcast!
Oh, I need to answer the question.
I will take the meteor, but not just a cop-out, because it's an opportunity for me to achieve my perfect death.
Which is just like, I mean, what am I going to do now?
A meteor?
Crushed by space rock?
Yeah, we've talked about this before.
I want to go out heroically punching a meteor that is imperiling the planet because in the one in like a infinity chance that I do manage to blow up a meteor with my mighty punch and save Earth, that I die like the world's greatest hero.
And if the meteor just kills me and everybody else, then no harm, no foul.
We're all going to die anyway.
Yeah.
You think you, like, one punch man it?
Well, One Punch Man survives.
I still assume the impact of the meteor will kill me, unless I also roll for superpowers and get them.
That would be a hell of a way to get your powers.
So I would rate L wins over Sarge on meteor death there, so good on L. Yes, so thank you for the question.
Oldman Watkins, who was one of the greatest avatars on Twitter of just Ron Watkins with his dumb, wacky cowboy hat.
No one asks, what was the final count on the sealed indictments?
It's probably never going to end because they're never going to stop misreading that Pacer document.
But I think they've given up for the moment.
So it was somewhere around 200,000 when they eventually stopped having that being a running narrative in QAnon.
It started at 60,000 and it just kept going up and up and up and up.
And no matter how many times people would tell them, you are misreading Pacer.
This is not what you think it is.
They were just like, nope, we're having too much fun watching the numbers go up.
So we're just going to keep watching them go up and claim it's what we want it to be.
So way to get your double mean hit on seeing rising numbers, you cretins.
And then our last non-meaty question, as it were, was Kiz Epic asks, is your stage name Migraines supposed to sound like the word migraines?
No, it's not.
But it is now.
You can make it.
We can wedge it together.
If that's how you see it and that's how you hear it, I will accept it.
I will tolerate this begrudgingly through gritted teeth.
But me personally, I'm going to go with no.
So now Chairman Walkman is going to ask the question that's going to get my co-hosts All hot in a lather.
So the floor is yours, boys.
Chairman Watchman asked, what is the most annoying card mechanic in Magic the Gathering?
Ooh, annoying?
Yes, annoying.
I mean, we could just cop out for this question and just say Storm, right?
Yeah, Storm is...
Like, definitely one of the worst.
So it was just so heinous because it's overpowered and it sucks to play against because you're just sitting there watching your opponent jerk off until they finish in your face.
Old McWatkins replied to him and said phasing, because phasing was very silly back in the day.
Maybe back in the day, but now they've just updated the wording because people are just more hip to gaming in general.
So now they just get away with referring to newfangled phasing as you're just like, when a card phases out, treat it like it doesn't exist.
And that's kind of just where they let the ball lay.
Yeah, I mean, banding is very annoying because it's incomprehensible.
Yeah, it's very hard to parse, but they have never printed another banding card.
I enjoyed the original White Ward immediately killing itself upon enchantment.
That was one of the greatest, well-designed cards in the history of magic.
Yeah, I mean, sometimes they really knock it out of the park.
How about any card with the original companion mechanic?
I was about to bring up companion.
Oh, God.
Just hearing about that made my eyes bleed.
Yeah, I mean, that was some ambitious shit on their part.
How about we make a bunch of cards that are just, you know, always in your hand at the beginning of the game for free, but in a way where they can't also be discarded, so you're just guaranteed to hit them on curve every single game?
Yeah, which allowed for a degenerate combo deck with Garuda, Doom of the Debs.
Yeah, so I mean, there's a lot of them, but the game's been around for a while.
They're like, you know, tens of thousands of cards or whatever, so they're going to step in it every once in a while.
I'd much rather them have like an individual card that sucks versus a mechanic, but like, you know, both are inevitable.
It's hard to gripe about that too much.
Now, them taking $750,000 out of the prize pool for their World Championships is something that you could gripe about because fuck them.
Fuck them and their stupid asses.
Yeah.
What the hell happened there?
Magic is bigger and better than it's ever been, and they took... Yeah, so Wizards is making all this money off of their Secret Lair drops and their Magic Arena and all this shit, so now they're just like, oh, we don't really need pro players anymore, so we're just going to drop a bomb on that program, including removing three-fourths of the previously advertised prize total pool for the World Championships this year.
They essentially blew out the kneecaps of ProMagic Play a couple of months ago by just cancelling the program and now have walked over and kicked the bleeding program in the dick.
Yeah, there's nothing to shoot for at the top end.
Like, the high end on magic play and performance now is like, I guess, becoming a streamer?
Yeah, how high is your streamer count, bro?
And it's just like, that's not the same.
So it is what it is.
But yeah, mechanically, they've stepped it in a bunch and a lot recently.
So it's just easy to take cheap shots at Wizards of the Coast.
The thing that blows my mind is that they ever print a card that literally says on it, if you meet this condition, you win the game.
Because those cards seem like they are either completely useless or they will end up getting banned because either the condition cannot be met and people won't touch the card or the condition can be met and now the card's broken.
So I'll never understand why they print cards like that.
Yeah, well, I mean, so, I'm assuming that, like, in our specific discussions, you're probably referencing Thassa's Oracle or whatever, and the thing about that card is that someone on the design team clearly has a mat on for that effect, because they did print a fair version of that as a four-man-a-clunky planeswalker that nobody really gave two shits about, except for when they started to print all this dumb support for a degenerate combo deck centered around decking yourself.
Anyway, we could talk about dumb magic shit all day, but the most annoying mechanic I think Sarge nailed on his head is probably banding.
That mechanic sucks.
Yeah, it's incomprehensible.
Yeah, banding, I remember when I got into Magic, I was like, this is dumb.
And then thank God, like, white weenie banders really didn't matter for very long.
And then that basically, I think by Ice Age, that shit all went out the door.
Because once we once we got into Necro, then that kind of crap was just just gone in the white deck was run again.
And so he didn't have to worry about it.
And then, strictly white decks were never really a thing again, which is a little reductive, but white still totally blows.
Anyway, thanks for the question!
Yes, so thank you Chairman Walkman for that question, and we also thank you for your permanent question, which is, what are you excited for this week?
Taking away one of you two cats.
Ooh, what am I excited for this week?
Take it away, us!
What's wrong?
You not looking forward to anything this week?
I know!
I go last.
I usually go last in this spot.
Wow, look at- This week is the week- Let's just make the formatting on the fly.
I like- This is the week that we celebrate our Independence Day!
I don't know.
I can tell you to leave it.
Hey!
We're the left!
Isn't Juneteenth our true summer holiday now?
And I can take that or leave that, too.
It's just as fine for me as 4th of July.
No fucks about either of these things.
I am getting a full week off work, though.
Which is, like, robust.
I'm gonna go fucking crazy.
I'm not gonna know what to do with myself.
I saw some QAnon promoter freaking out because they found out the actual vote on the Declaration of Independence was July 2nd.
And they were like, holy shit, the secret history of America!
And I was like, uh... National treasure!
Yeah, it was basically that.
I was just like, hey, you didn't know that?
I mean, at the start, Adams, Jefferson, and all the kind of the political people that weren't in the field fighting the war thought that Americans would recognize the second as our Independence Day.
But because, like, it only got, like, printed up and distributed to the colonies on the 4th, that's when people, like, took it.
And then the people that actually signed it were like, yeah, everyone says it's the 4th.
It's the 4th.
Whatevs.
The end.
So, I mean, it was, like, kind of, like, not that big a deal.
Production delays.
He's just, like, mind blown because it took a little while back in the ye olde days to print some paper.
Yeah, well the other thing was they voted on it on the 2nd, and then they kind of like hashed out the actual text of the Declaration on the 3rd, and then on the 4th they started reading it to the American people.
So it's like, really?
When the people heard it, they thought that's when independence was declared?
Not when you guys voted in secret to make us a new nation?
I mean...
We're going to really blow these folks' minds when we tell them that Jesus probably wasn't born on December 25th.
That seems kind of unlikely.
That's one of my favorite things about the Christian mythos, is they were like, and then in the middle of winter, some guy called for a census, which would be very easy for people to fulfill in winter.
They totally wouldn't have called for a census in the spring when travel would be easier for peasants who had to walk great distances.
No way, man.
Jesus, totally born on December 25th, to the day the Bible says it.
Right, 100%.
Confirmed.
What am I looking forward to?
Oh, actually, a buddy of mine is starting up a Deadwood game, or a Deadlands game.
Yeah, the Weird West.
Yeah, you kept saying Deadwood in our group chat and I was like... I get them confused because it's just like, you know, it's interchangeable cowboy shit.
But yes, I'm playing a Deadlands spooky cowboy game, which should be quite fun.
I believe that's starting this weekend.
It'll be my first at-table role-playing in like two years.
Oh, nice.
That's really cool.
The one thing, Deadlands always, like, the idea and the feel of it was really cool.
The one thing that I hated was, like, the monster manual.
Like, if you read, like, a lot of the descriptions of the enemies who are fighting, it was like the person who was writing the book was like, and you actually can't beat this guy this way, you have to do it this way, and I will not let you have fun.
Like, I remember there was some Like group.
I think it was like Throckmorton or like one of the bad scientist people.
They had like a goon squad and they were like this squad is like eight people deep and they all know each other personally so you cannot knock one of them out and then just put on their gear and pretend to be that guy and all their guns have fingerprint triggers so you can't steal their guns neither and it was just like man just What the fuck?
Like, so all I can do is roll dice and murder them?
Like, the only way I can win this fight is just, like, frontal assault and shoot them or maybe ambush them?
I can have no clandestine fun?
I can do nothing?
No, you can't.
No way.
Just...
Just shoot them.
Just shoot them until they're dead or you're dead.
That's how this works.
That's the fun of roleplaying, is rolling dice and getting high numbers.
We're going to be playing the new edition of Deadlands, which is based on the Savage Worlds system, so it is an updated version of the game.
I will give you my opinion of it once I've played it a bit.
And now it is your turn, Dingus.
What are you excited for this week?
I get to do a quasi-escape room this weekend.
I'm going to be traipsing around Boston trying to stop Jack the Ripper, who apparently has migrated across the pond, as it were.
I'm going to be traipsing around Boston this Saturday.
I believe you mean you're going to be looking for Jack the Ripper.
Yes!
I mean, Jack the Wicked Pisser Ripper coming to Boston to... Yeah, Jack the Ripper, I'm here to murder your whores!
Yes, exactly!
Give me your whores and I'll murder them!
So, well, I can't let you do that, Jack.
I mean, your accent is so immersive, I feel like I'm already playing the game right now.
So... Beware, Jack the Ripper!
So yeah, so that's gonna be really, it's gonna be really fun.
They have a bunch of, like, bonuses and, like, payouts.
They have, like, a thing for, like, best costumes and all of this other stuff.
But I don't think I'm gonna be cosplaying on the July 3rd heat, traipsing around Boston.
So me and my group are just gonna go for, like, the fastest time.
You did fancy wool suits and top hats.
Speed run.
Yeah, I'm going to go for speedrun.
One of my teammates has suggested we get little curly mustaches like Hercule Poirot, because Sherlock Holmes has been done to death and Poirot needs a little love.
So I don't know if we're actually going to do that or not, but that would be my level of cosplaying, as it were.
But that's going to be just really fun actually doing puzzle solving and trying to like beat a game for the first time in two years at least.
I think that's what Elle said about playing tabletop gaming.
I think I'm like that same time frame of like one of my favorite hobbies has been taken away from me by this fucking pandemic.
And now it may not be an actual escape room, but it's something adjacent to it.
And I am very much looking forward to it.
That's awesome.
Alright, well it's time for me to pedal this here Velocipede out of Hellworld for the week.
So thank you everybody for sticking around this far.
We appreciate you supporting the show.
If you'd like to support the show further, you can do so by telling a friend, or giving us a 5-star review, or just sort of spreading the word about the good work we're trying to do.
And if you have a little extra money in your pocket and you'd like to Relieve yourself of that burden.
You can do so by visiting our Patreon at patreon.com slash pokerpolitics.
And go ahead and give us your shekels.
If you donate $5 or more every month, you get access to our cromulent bonus content, including Kabalin, which is the series where me and the boys talk about Fall of the Kabal, and also Mike Green's solo pod, The Foulest Deed, getting into the nitty gritty of the JFK assassination.
Those delicious bonus podcasts can now be enjoyed by our most recent beautifuller baby, Kiz Epic.
I think is how that's supposed to be pronounced.
I don't know, but that's part of the fun in it.
Anyway, thanks, Kiz Epic, for your do-re-mi.
If you want to sing that tune to somebody who's not a few white jerks just talking goofs on the internet, and you want to do a little more dedicated and focus good, you can take that money to love146.org.
There are an organization whose vision is the end of child trafficking and exploitation, and that's in their own words, so go ahead and drop your money there.
If you have money and you don't want to give it to us.
As always, I've got to thank our friend DJ Minimal Effort for our intro theme.
He still remains too cool for social media, so you can't reach out to him.
So, I don't know, if you're the religious sort, just pray for him.
Just say, hey, God, make DJ Minimal Effort know that I think that his beat is tight.
However, you can go to solicit our buddy Frosty on Twitter, at FrostyVO.
He's the voice of Q when we need it, but for most of the time he is the creator of our bumps and also content warning at the top of the show.
If you can't get enough of me and sweet, sweet Sarge, then I've got good news for you.
We have a spinoff podcast where we talk about pop media.
This week we're discussing the Independence Day films because, as we mentioned earlier, this is the week of our independence.
July 2nd is fast approaching.
So yeah, if you're interested in that, you can come listen to us or communicate with us via social media at bingeworthy.
That's B-I-N-G-E-W-O-R-D-Y.
So for another successful episode of the Adventures in Hellworld podcast, I have been your host.
Well, one of three hosts, I suppose.
The host.
Although, yes, I'm taking it now.
It's my boat now.
Mike Rains, you fuck off!
I've been one of your hosts, Hellworld Al, signing off for Hellworld Sarge and our expert, Mr. Mike Rains.
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