| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
Spending Spree Secrets
00:05:54
|
|
| Oh, Tristan, you can't... | |
| To be fair though, I suppose you do look actually very very classy. | |
| Nice champagne. | |
| Whoa I wish I had like A very empty glass of water. | |
| In my Adidas tracksuit. | |
| What do you mean? | |
| Correct. So clearly they're making a mistake somewhere. | |
| somewhere down the line. | |
| So where's your cousin? | |
| Luke, it's a stone cold loser. | |
| He thinks that you can land into London in December when it's Christmassy and not be instantly compelled to go and spend all your money shopping. | |
| In fact, he goes, every time we go to London, all you do is shop and spend loads of money and buy cars and buy stuff. | |
| I don't see the point. | |
| He's like, you don't see the points of what you can do instead? | |
| Because I might have a bath. | |
| Fucking geek, bro. | |
| How did you get a cousin who's such a fucking intolerable geek? | |
| He can be biologically related to me. | |
| He must be adopted into the family. | |
| He's not my cousin. There's no universe where he has any DNA in common with me. | |
| There's no way he's my cousin. In fact, I'm not sure we even descend from the same human ancestors in the African Rift Valley. | |
| I think he's independently evolved. | |
| As a nerd? Yeah. | |
| He may be extraterrestrial. | |
| Extraterrestrial nerd. ETN. His nerd levels are galactic. | |
| I wonder if he goes to spend loads of money and then come back and call Luke names and threaten him and tell him he's a loser. | |
| I wonder if he goes to spend loads of money and then come back and tell him he's a loser. | |
| I wonder if he goes to spend loads of money and then come back and tell him he's a loser. | |
| I like rain. | |
| I like rain. | |
| I pray for the sky like rain. | |
| I pray for the wind like rain. | |
| From a little youth, I tell myself I have a plan. | |
| I want to be famous like Ninja Man. | |
| I want big like Joe Bantan. | |
| So everyday I build a single team song. | |
| I don't like the journey big long, but I get up and burn. | |
| I'm gross on the trunk. | |
| When I get my first number one, I buy a house for my mother, man. | |
| I'm in a gum truck. | |
| So you're going to give up? | |
| You don't have a girlfriend? | |
| And go have freshness. | |
| Nobody likes you. I'm putting an Apple Watch. | |
| You don't want it? You want me an Apple Watch? | |
| I have a patette. I have an AP. Why would I want an Apple Watch? | |
| Yeah, but you can't. Let's check your emails. | |
| I would rather shoot myself in the face and check my emails if I want you. | |
| Why? I'd rather cut my hand off. | |
| You're cutting your hand off me. | |
| No, you're wearing AP. You're wearing Rolex. | |
| I'm gonna wear it. | |
| You're very welcome. | |
| It's a coffee. | |
| You wanna come for a £250 coffee? | |
| Do you want coffee? | |
| I think I'm gonna say no to that. | |
| What are you gonna do? | |
| Just flip that shit. | |
| You must push it off the back here and what you do is... | |
| What you fly, then you stay a virgin, and then what, you land and you're a geek? | |
| Yeah, what do you do? So you do this? | |
| Is that what happens? You stand on it like this, okay? | |
| Check your phone. No women have messaged you. | |
| Get off your skateboard. | |
| Go home. Porn. | |
| Video games. Cry. | |
| And then skateboard again. | |
| I think it's a cycle. That's why I can't skateboard. | |
| Because the other sets are too hard for me. | |
| No women on the phone. Jerking off. | |
| Porn. Porn. | |
| Video games. Because I can't do that. | |
| I'm just not an actual skater. | |
| Sorry bro. So what do you have to say to skaters? | |
| Do I really need more enemies? | |
| You know what I'm going to say to skaters? | |
| I'm top G. I love everybody universally. | |
| I just think with all the time you're investing in doing kickflips, you could perhaps, I don't know, learn to box, learn to fight, get rich. | |
| I mean, but if you really want to do kickflips, do kickflips. | |
| I'm full of love for everybody. I don't hate anyone. | |
| I do not marginalize. I'm not bigoted in any form, even against skateboarders. | |
| Even the virgins on skateboarders. | |
| They're all my friends So kind I'm a free man, I'm a free man Top G, Nagbogati Yo Dre Wani Dandim Walla Romi Basler Top G Galibela, Phoebe, Tawaneh, Sipri Top G, Nagbogati We a dippin at the party Cobra, Galate, Masechiwami | |
| Richard, Danny, and Riton Afilopami, Young Amasati Silly Fat Tone, Da Descent, Sadafami We do this every year and it's stupid. | |
| What do you mean? It's stupid. | |
| Do it every year. I stand to correct you. | |
| We do not do this every year. We do this every time I come to London. | |
| So it's multiple times a year. It's multiple times a year. | |
| Multiple times a year. But it's complete nonsense. | |
|
Why We Keep Buying iPads
00:03:42
|
|
| Why? I did a little bit of shopping. | |
| It's not a little bit of shopping. | |
| This is probably literally hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of shopping. | |
| It's stupid. Dora, mate. | |
| Listen, he thinks it's stupid that I spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on shopping, but Luke does not understand that money is not real and I'm a master of ice. | |
| I will admit, I don't remember. | |
| There's more here! Yeah, of course there is! | |
| I don't remember what most of this stuff is. | |
| But at the time, I wanted it. | |
| At the time, I wanted it. | |
| Tristan? Loose complaining about me spending too much money. | |
| Or what? What'd you buy? Bro! | |
| All this shit. I can't remember. | |
| Oh, you bought shit. | |
| I bought shit. | |
| This is all cigar paraphernalia and accessories. | |
| Are you aware? Yeah, so that's about a thousand bucks. | |
| Look at this. Look at this. Look at this. | |
| Limited edition. Joker. | |
| This is number 3 of 288. | |
| $5,000. | |
| $5,000 for a lighter. | |
| Do you agree we need that lighter until he loses it? | |
| But that's what I mean. Don't lose it. | |
| No, no, no. I can't lose it. | |
| Because I bought 6 other DuPont lighters. | |
| So I can lose that first. | |
| It's now number seven. These are special edition limits. | |
| How much does that cost? Davidoff's is rose gold. | |
| Oh, some money. It costs some money. | |
| Luke, do you agree? This is stupid. | |
| Guys, do you agree that he needs this $5,000 lighter until he loses it? | |
| But that's what I mean. He doesn't need it. | |
| Until he loses it. He's going to lose it. | |
| Exactly. We know he's going to lose it. | |
| Until he loses it, he needs it. Do you agree? | |
| So do you admit that I could slice your face off with this if I wanted to? | |
| Yes, I do. It's Christmas, Luke. | |
| This isn't Christmassy. | |
| This is Christmas. Who kicked out of the tree last time? | |
| Now he's threatening to slice my face off. | |
| I don't want an iPad. Apple's the devil. | |
| It's brand new. It's yellow. We don't need it. | |
| I bought it for you, Luke. Luke, I bought you an iPad. | |
| Luke, you don't want an iPad? No, this is stupid. | |
| What's your Christmas present? You don't want an iPad? | |
| Why does Tristan keep cutting things? | |
| It has a keyboard. Andrew, take your Christmas present. | |
| Merry Christmas, Luke. I don't want them. Merry Christmas, Luke. | |
| So I admit it. I broke my computer. | |
| And I actually do need the iPad. | |
| That I completely said that I didn't need. | |
| And I'm going to go get it. | |
| And I know he's gonna make me admit it. | |
| Because I kept saying that fuck Apple and I don't need Apple, but I actually need the iPad. | |
| I admit it. I'm a loser. | |
| What do you admit? I need the iPad. | |
| So you meant it. Yeah, you bought the iPads. | |
| I don't need the iPad. I've got a fucking Linux gay mode XLGAY. That's what you said you had. | |
| You said you had laptop GAY SEX mode. | |
| I know. I know. And now you admit it. | |
| I admit it. I need the Apple. | |
| I need Apple. So don't you admit you have a cousin who just buys random things. | |
| And it's extremely intelligent to do. | |
| Yeah. Because it's true. | |
| You buy complete random shit. | |
| We're here. I know. You need an Apple Watch to go with it. | |
| No, I don't. Are you sure? | |
| I'm sure. So you admit it. | |
| If I did need one, I'd know where to go. | |
| Say I admit it. I admit it. | |
| I admit it. I'm a loser and I need Apple. | |
| An Apple One. Apple One! | |
| Not only did I buy six iPads, I bought keyboards. | |
| I only bought one keyboard for my six iPads because I knew in my brain that you'd end up needing a keyboard. | |
| The other five wouldn't, but you would. | |
| That's how smart I am, isn't it? | |
| That's true. That's exactly why you only bought one keyboard. | |
| It was for this exact moment. | |
| Somehow you knew. Merry Christmas. | |
| Merry Christmas. Thank you very much, friend. | |
| What is it? It came out this year as the 50th anniversary of the French Importer. | |
|
Good Will Without Booze
00:06:59
|
|
| Light to medium, a bit more tasteful than the usual light to medium guarded cigar. | |
| Fantastic cigar. So it was designed for the French? | |
| Yes. Good, so I'm going to take it off the French. | |
| That makes me happy. Exactly what you're going to do. | |
| Why is this a cigar in England? | |
| I'm about to take it off them. | |
| Of course, as England, we've whooped France's ass endlessly. | |
| We always will. Except in football, unfortunately. | |
| It's fine. Take their cigar and teach them a lesson. | |
| Nice. What are you going to do about it? | |
| I won't care. No. | |
| You're French. He cares. | |
| Right in front of your face. | |
| I took a cigar which was designed for your people. | |
| I robbed you. I robbed your national treasure. | |
| Do you guys have any English cigars that are made for the English? | |
| Yes, we are. Could I please have one, please? | |
| Absolutely. Thank you very much. | |
| You're welcome. I'm going to pay the price. | |
| Shit. I'm not finished complaining about people who like options. | |
| Because when you actually listen to these individuals, you realize they are exceptionally low IQ. Oh, I just love, I just love whales! | |
| How the fuck can you love a whale? | |
| Has a whale ever paid your rent? | |
| Have you ever spoken to a whale? | |
| It's a huge thing in the ocean. | |
| It's never interacted with whatever. | |
| Doesn't talk. Doesn't improve your life. | |
| If you had cancer, it wouldn't even send you a card. | |
| And you're sitting there going, I love whales. | |
| Why? Why? Why do you love them? | |
| Humans shouldn't ever even see whales. | |
| I love my dog. My dog comes to me. | |
| He cares about me. | |
| We care about each other. How can you love a whale? | |
| It doesn't make any sense. | |
| Whales don't give a fuck about you. | |
| Liking marine life is asinine. | |
| The entire fucking ocean is filled with dumb shit. | |
| Name something smart from the ocean. | |
| Dolphins, supposedly. | |
| If you're that smart, why can't you walk? | |
| You're fucking swimming around like a brook. | |
| Getting caught in tuna nets. | |
| You're a genius. I'm a tuna. | |
| You're not smart, you're fucking dumb. | |
| At least on land there's fucking smart shit. | |
| Like dogs can do tricks. | |
| Fucking lame. Fish are stupids. | |
| Fucking sea urchins. | |
| They've got a face. They've just got a face, bro. | |
| Whales, big and dumb. | |
| Fuck that shit. | |
| It's all trash. If animals could talk, I don't think, I think the animals in the ocean would be the most stupid of them all. | |
| I swim all day. | |
| What do you say? Swim. | |
| Anything else? No. | |
| Look at losers, bro. | |
| You're big and giant and terrifying. | |
| What do you eat? Tiny shrews. | |
| Lame. Loser. | |
| Anyone who likes the ocean's low IQ. Standing by that fact. | |
| You can't actually like those. | |
| It's Rice Krispie Marshmallow Squares. | |
| You can't actually enjoy them. | |
| Everyone enjoys them. No. | |
| Tristan, now you're lying. | |
| You can't. Can what? | |
| This is stupid. Why is it stupid? | |
| It's Christmas. You guys can't enjoy... | |
| I know it's Christmas, but that doesn't mean you need to eat Rice Krispies Square. | |
| That doesn't mean you enjoy Rice Krispies Square. | |
| It does. It surely must be a joke. | |
| I don't know how to suck them on right now. | |
| No, you're not. I'm going to become a fat loser like you. | |
| If you have the choice of eating Rice Krispies Square or fighting me, fair enough, which ones you choose? | |
| Well, I choose the Rice Krispies Square. | |
| That's your choice. I mean, I guess they might be good. | |
| You can't mean it. | |
| I'm going to become a beekeeper. | |
| So Tristan's been saying this for the past, let's say, I don't know, five minutes. | |
| Five minutes? This is my life's dream. | |
| It's not. It's the first I've ever heard it. | |
| As everyone on the internet who knows me will know that I've been talking about becoming a beekeeper for the last decade. | |
| That's not true at all. No, Tristan, the internet will prove that you're alive. | |
| So when we're supposed to fly places and do fun things, we can't go because Tristan has to stay home and look after the bees. | |
| Yeah, but that's stupid. And the garden will be full of loads of bees. | |
| That's what I mean. That'd be horrible. | |
| You need a helper beekeeper. | |
| I might help you. You're going to help me? | |
| No, we don't need... What if I get bees and you get bees and they end up bee-thing? | |
| We don't need bee wars in the gardens. | |
| How about we convert Luke's room into a bee cave? | |
| No. He can still sleep in it. | |
| He can have his bed. Luke, we're not kicking you out. | |
| You can have your bed. No, but you're going to have to make it full of bees. | |
| There will be some bees. But you're the beekeepers. | |
| Why don't you do that with your rooms? | |
| No, no, no. I've got to be separate from the bees to assert my dominance, so they know I'm not just one of the drones. | |
| I'm going to start a bee colony, and it's going to be better than your bee colony, and they're going to kill all of your bees. | |
| This is some brand new idea that's never been heard before. | |
| And the battlefield is easy. Exactly. | |
| No more supercars, no more private jets, no more thing. | |
| We have to stay home, look after the bees, bee wars. | |
| No, no bee wars. | |
| We don't need bee wars. | |
| Bee wars in the garden. | |
| Wouldn't that ruin summer? Why don't you bee quiet? | |
| New pitch Luke's room scorpion then. This is stupid. | |
| I don't know. | |
| Come on, boy. | |
| Oh, look, there's booze. Free booze. | |
| We don't need booze. What do you mean? | |
| Merry Christmas, Luke. No one likes booze. | |
| We have a car do need booze. | |
| No, we don't. Good will to all men. | |
| Good will to all men. I agree with that, but we don't need booze. | |
| This is our Christmas celebration. No, I'm ruining it. | |
| A little Christmas chocolate? I bet you don't have one. | |
| Okay, everybody who does not have a religious affiliation that stops them drinking should drink. | |
| Do we agree, Andrew? Agree. | |
| I 100% was coming. | |
| So here's our cancellation words. | |
| I knew it was coming. | |
| I absolutely and utterly knew it was coming because of how orchestrated it was. | |
| The only thing, and I'll state this at the beginning, the only reason I'm upset by being cancelled is because I've expired one of my lives. | |
| Because first you get cancelled. Controversial influencer Andrew Tate has been banned from Facebook and Instagram. | |
| The cancelling of influencer Andrew Tate. | |
| Then they make up a reason to put you in jail. | |
| The Matrix has attacked me. | |