| Time | Text |
|---|---|
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Why Spider-Man Is a Bitch
00:05:10
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|
| Spider-Man's a pussy. | |
| I cannot remember how this conversation started about superheroes, whatever, whatever, and I was talking about how all superhero movies are stupid and it's all bullshit, but the worst of them all is Spider-Man. | |
| Spider-Man is a bitch. | |
| If you like Spider-Man, you need to seriously reassess your life. | |
| He was a dork who got bit by a spider. | |
| Now he's Super Spider-Dork, and he still can't get laid. | |
| Who's that bitch? | |
| Mary Jane? | |
| Parker? | |
| Some shit? | |
| You're Spider-Man. | |
| And she still won't have sex with you. | |
| It's not working. | |
| You and me. | |
| What? | |
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | |
| Oh, but I don't want her to know I'm Spider-Man. | |
| I want her to still think I'm a fucking nerd. | |
| If I was Spider-Man, you think that bitch wouldn't be sucking and fucking? | |
| By hook or by crook. | |
| I'll be like, bitch, I'm Spider-Man. | |
| Come here. | |
| And she'll say, OK. | |
| If by some crazy twist of fate, some crazy twist of fate, she goes, no, I don't want to. | |
| I'll be like, psst. | |
| The fuck you talking about, no? | |
| I'm a G. Spider-Man. | |
| The only thing Spider-Man's doing is sitting at home jerking off. | |
| How are you a superhero if you're sitting at home jerking off? | |
| Fucking loser. | |
| Spider-Man is a dork. | |
| There's nothing admirable about Spider-Man. | |
| Didn't he, like, he became Super Spider-Man, and then someone killed his uncle. | |
| Some robber killed his uncle. | |
| Is this the right story? | |
| Stay back! | |
| That's my uncle! | |
| What happened? | |
| Carjacker. | |
| He's been shot. | |
| Look, we just called the paramedics. | |
| They're on their way. | |
| Some robber killed his uncle, and now he decides he wants to stop crime to get the robber who killed his uncle. | |
| Does he even catch that robber ever? | |
| I don't know. | |
| I'm genuinely asking. | |
| Does he catch the robber? | |
| I don't know. | |
| If you guys know about Spider-Man, tell me. | |
| Does he catch him? | |
| And what does he do? | |
| What does he do, put him in jail? | |
| He kills his uncle when he catches the robbers in there. | |
| I don't know, he's a crybaby. | |
| Does he hang the robber by his neck in the middle of the city with rope? | |
| No. | |
| He takes his ass down the police station to fill in paperwork. | |
| What kind of fucking superhero are you? | |
| He killed your uncle! | |
| He's a pussy. | |
| If you killed Venom's uncle, Venom would fuck the dude up. | |
| But no, fucking Spider-Man. | |
| Oh, I'm taking him for justice. | |
| You're a fucking nerd, bro. | |
| Spider-Man's a nerd. | |
| Anyone who likes Spider-Man, by extension, is also a nerd. | |
| He was a nerd who got bit by a spider and became a super nerd! | |
| And why does he still live with his parents? | |
| You're a fucking superhero. | |
| You're living with your parents. | |
| Why? | |
| Or his uncle, or his grandma, or whoever the fuck you live with. | |
| Those old people. | |
| Why? | |
| None of this makes sense. | |
| I'm a superhero, and I don't live with my parents. | |
| So you're a superhero. | |
| Why the fuck do you still live with your parents? | |
| It doesn't make sense to me. | |
| I don't like it. | |
| And the whole fucking, yeah, he was a wrestler or something, and then some guy robbed the wrestler, killed his uncle, and then he started crying his eyes out. | |
| I'm Spider-Man. | |
| I'm Spider-Man. | |
| I'm not allowed to say that. | |
| Can I say that? | |
| Can I say that, Tristan? | |
| I can't say that. | |
| All right. | |
| You're a loser, Spider-Man. | |
| You're a loser. | |
| No. | |
| Please. | |
| Please don't say that. | |
| What else does Spider-Man do that offends me? | |
| There's something else he does that really offends me, and I can't remember what it was. | |
| Oh, yeah. | |
| That's it. | |
| If you're sitting this watching, If you're sitting this and watching and you're thinking, okay, Tate is eternally wise. | |
| He's always correct. | |
| Everything Tate says is true. | |
| But on this one issue, I disagree because I always kind of liked Spider-Man. | |
| Let me ask you something. | |
| Look at the actors they have chosen to play Spider-Man. | |
| We're going to show pictures of the last few Spider-Men. | |
| They're not men. | |
| They're barely boys. | |
| Look at these Spider-Men. | |
| At least with Batman, they got Christian Bale. | |
| But I don't have to save you. | |
| Okay, now they're talking about making another one. | |
| with the dork from Twilight. | |
| Everything gets ruined in the end. | |
| But for the last few Batmans, he was Batman. | |
| But look at the dorks they choose to play Spider-Man because even Hollywood, even the people who are in charge of making the movies know Spider-Man's a bitch. | |
| Quickly, let's make a superhero who's actually secretly a little bitch. | |
| Find me an actor who looks like a bitch. | |
|
Create the Punk Spider-Man
00:00:53
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|
| Oh, this guy. | |
| Yeah, he's a punk. | |
| He can be Spider-Man. | |
| It's all garbage. | |
| Spider-Man should be erased from the face of the planet. | |
| And I've decided the superhero to do it should be I don't know shit about superheroes. | |
| Andrew Tate, me. | |
| I want someone out there who can write comics. | |
| This is a genuine, genuine task. | |
| Anyone out there who can design comics, anyone who's good with drawing or whatever, whatever. | |
| I want a three or four page comic where Spider-Man meets me. | |
| We meet on top of the building. | |
| I call him a punk. | |
| He tries to throw some web at me. | |
| I use my Aikido ninja moves and I destroy Spider-Man. | |
| If someone creates that to me and emails it to me at the email address below, there'll be a cash prize waiting. | |
| And we're gonna get famous, we're gonna put it all over the internet, all over tape speech, all over Twitter, it's gonna become everywhere, and Spider-Man will be officially destroyed for the rest of humanity. | |
| And when people mention Spider-Man, they'll say, no, there is no more Spider-Man. | |
| Answer tape beat him. | |
| Read the comic. | |
| We're gonna conquer Spider-Man right here, right now, and you're gonna help. | |