Theo returns with a solo episode to talk about conspiracy Thanksgivings, freebasing garlic bread, and what he’s grateful for as the year winds down. He also responds to some of your voicemails and gets a major life update from Riley Mau.
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I want to say that we have new collegiate gang gang hoodies that have just dropped.
Two new colorways.
Plus, stuff from the Return of the Rat tour.
If you missed merchandise out there on that tour, I think we still have some remaining that's available there.
All of that at theovonstore.com.
And thank you guys for all of the support.
Love y'all.
All right.
Oh, here we are.
Here we are.
Thanksgiving.
It's Thanksgiving time.
It's seasonal.
I want to wish a happy Thanksgiving to everyone.
I know there are some people out there that are not probably ecstatic about it.
And I'm going to say who it is really fast.
So it's not, you know, I don't want there to be like the elephant in the room or whatever, but Native Americans.
So, and I know that everything that happened with those, with the beautiful Indigenous, Indigenous, Indigenous, Indigenous people, the original people of this land.
And I know that, you know, that the things that happened to them were not fair.
And that's that.
But, and not that, not, that's not that.
That's not that.
But yeah, anyway, I don't know why I brought it up.
I just, I feel weird if you're saying happy Thanksgiving and then somebody's indigenous and they're like, well, so I just wanted to honor those people and say, look, you know, our bad or whatever.
I didn't do it.
Somebody did it.
And I hope we catch them.
I'll tell you this.
If we ever get a time machine to go back in time and catch the people that are coming here, I will enlist.
I will go.
I will be happy to go.
But yeah, we just have to, we have to live where we are.
And the country is, you know, all of existence is kind of stacked on sin.
Excuse me.
Yeah, the history of time is just stacked on sin, right?
Things get stacked on sin over time.
And that's, and, you know, in mistakes and accidents.
And let's eat.
That's where we're at.
So anyway, it's the time of year to finally sit down with people and eat and get you a little something.
I like to stare somebody right in the eyes and say, pass that bit cut.
Pass that sweat patero se fle.
I want that.
Pass that facking garlic bread.
God, don't you want some garlic bread right now?
This, this, this goes out to just anybody right now, anybody anywhere.
I don't care if you are incarcerated.
I don't care if you're working a double.
I don't care if you're in a coma, but somebody put some headphones on you.
Don't you want some garlic bread?
God, I want that.
I love, dude, I love garlic bread.
And even if people make it like bad, I like bad garlic bread.
Sometimes you go to a restaurant and they have the fosasia or whatever.
I don't give a fuck about the fassasia.
I want garlic ass bread.
I don't care if somebody, I don't care if it's some bitch and she just has a, like she has a, you know, even if she just has a spoon and she puts a little just like some trap house cook.
She just has a spoon with a little bit of bread in it, puts a little butter on it, a little garlic, and then just cooks it with a lighter under the spoon like that.
I don't care if she, you know, and then she puts that shit in a crack pipe and we smoke it, dude.
All I'm saying is, bro, garlic bread is so good, underrated.
It's the bacon of breads.
I'll go ahead and say that.
Shit is fire.
But I do want to say happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
I want to say thank you to everybody that bid in the charity jersey auction.
We had a series of jerseys that were given to us in certain cities along the last comedy tour.
And we got to auction all those off.
And we raised about $40,000 for a local rehabilitation place called Cumberland Heights.
And that's going to go towards helping people get recovery, helping subsidize the recovery costs for people.
So thank you so much.
If you even listen to this podcast, or if you have, and you're like, I feel like I haven't done anything this year, I haven't, you were a part of this.
So that's on behalf of us that we make that donation.
And then we all made a donation last week to the Gary Sinise Foundation.
So that was really great.
So if, yeah, I just want everybody out there to feel like we're doing that sort of thing together.
And yeah, that's how I feel about it.
So thank you.
You know, what a blessing to know that people are going to be able to get some help.
What have I been thinking about?
You know, it's, you know, it's there's, you know, it's just, there's, it's a wild time in the world.
And it feels like it's happened fast, you know, just a wild time.
And it's like, who are we and where are we going?
What does the future look like?
And I think it's times like this, I'm realizing you kind of have to just lock back into like things are most important, you know?
Because if you get caught up in a lot of the info, it gets, gets kind of, you know, you're sitting there at Thanksgiving, you're staring across the table at somebody.
And they're just like, do you want the baked beans?
And you're like, I think I know who killed Charlie Kirk.
There was a second shooter.
There was 12 Israelis alpha.
Just, you know, it can get deep.
You got to be careful there.
Somebody's like, do you want the baked beans?
And you're like, not if you think we fucking landed on the moon, I don't.
I'm like, okay, all right.
Get your own sides then.
Yeah, there's just, it's just a lot of, there's some, there's a lot of conspiracies out there.
And they're not even conspiracies a lot of them anymore.
They're all coming true.
And so, you know, as we go, it is this wild time where we're kind of going through this.
It feels like this awakening where, you know, I mentioned it on Joe Rogan's show where it was like, you know, the video game and like there's the, there, you know, there's like Mario or Link or and suddenly like you're you're playing with the character, you're controlling them, but suddenly the character just comes over to the front of the screen and just looks right at you.
And it's like, hey, who's controlling me?
And that's when the controllers are like, bullshit.
So that's just, I feel like we're just in an interesting space there.
And I think instead of like, I think there can be fear about it, but there also can be excitement about it.
But no matter which, like which cup you're putting your straw in at the moment, fear, excitement.
I do believe that there is the fact that around the holidays or around any time that the one thing you have to lock into even more is things that are real, things that are tangible in your world, your family, your friends, familiarity, you know, connecting with people.
And I wrote me a little list.
We have some great calls that came in from people.
I wrote me a little list here of things that I enjoy about life, some little things that I enjoy.
And if you want to call in, we'll put some of these up next year.
And they can just be brief things.
And you can even text them as well.
You can go to the website theovon.com and there's a ways on there where you can contact the podcast.
But some things that I like about life, small things, accidentally touching someone's leg that you don't know very well.
Now, it's weird.
It's all, you know, it's kind of weird how it has, you know, you might be sitting somewhere at a movie theater, you drop something, you drop a lip balm or you drop a, you know, a couple grams or whatever, whatever.
I don't know how you, you know, I don't know.
I don't, but I don't know what you do, but whatever.
You drop some, you know, a couple funions or whatever.
And you're like, oh, I'm getting those bitches.
But it's dark in the theater.
So you reach down there to get them and bam, you touch somebody's leg.
You didn't really see it.
And it's weird because you don't know them.
They don't know, you all don't know each other, but you've touched their leg and that's weird and shit.
But there's something unique about it.
There's something very human about it.
What else?
Petting a cat.
If you're petting a cat and it strikes at you like that and you call it a little bitch, I like that.
If you or ever, somebody's like, oh, this is my cat.
This is Cheryl or whatever.
Or this is Aunt Cheryl.
I had a friend, his cat named his cat.
His cat was named Aunt Cheryl.
And I'm like, okay, so I'm not going to be friends with this guy too long.
But he'd be like, oh, don't you want to pet my, don't you want to pet Aunt Cheryl?
And at first I was like, no, I do not want, I do not want to.
But he's like, he kept kind of giving me the, like, he kept like giving me like the, I guess the warm shoulder.
He kept like wanting me to do it.
You know, it's like, I guess that's called warm shouldering.
What is cold shouldering?
Cold.
Oh, yeah, intentionally cold or unsympathetic treatment.
So yeah, this is this guy was giving me more like that.
He's kind of warm shouldering me and be like, oh, you know, don't you want to pet Aunt Cheryl?
And I didn't want to pet.
I didn't want to pet Aunt Cheryl.
And then finally, I was like, all right, I'll pet Aunt Cheryl.
And I go to pet this cat.
I pet one time.
And I don't pet, I don't pet more than two times usually.
Because if you do, if you keep doing that, you know what I'm saying?
Somebody's going to fucking get active.
You know, somebody's going to get activated in their body.
So I pet one and I go for the second pet and the fucking cat, Aunt Cheryl, strikes me like that.
And I'm like, this little bitch.
And anyway, I don't like it when that happens, but I also do respect it.
It's a unique thing about life.
And so I'm grateful for that.
I'm grateful for the times that I get to pet a cat and it strikes at me and I call it a little bitch.
That's something I like.
Oh, showing up for a loved one.
That's number three.
That's one thing I really, really enjoy.
Showing up for a loved one.
That's important.
Making loud noises around your grandmother because she is hard of hearing.
And you can do that.
You can, you know, it's very rare you can be around someone and rattle off a loud slur, right?
And it can be a racial slur.
It can be non-racial if you want.
I mean, we know which ones are more fun.
But that can be exciting if the person can't hear, but you're right there with them.
Because it's very rare you can do that.
But that's something I'm grateful for.
Burying something somewhere that no one will ever know about.
And some people are like, what do you mean?
What are you talking about?
But go do it.
Get you a shovel.
Get you a trowel, which is just a little baby shovel.
And they should just call it baby shovel.
You know?
And get something.
Get a little something.
Get an earrings.
Get a set of earrings.
Get a little sack of underpants or whatever.
Whatever.
Get something.
Get a, yeah, get a bag of hair.
Get a pair of earrings.
Get, you know, get a thing of, get a little, just get something.
You know what things are.
Get something, right?
Get something and then go just bury it somewhere.
Bury it somewhere.
Don't tell anybody.
Always fun.
Calling the cops on someone.
There's nothing more fun than that.
People kind of poo-poo it or whatever.
I love it.
I used to live next door.
I used to live under a guy over there on Clayburn Avenue in New Orleans, bro.
And his family, they were Baltic.
I don't know if they're Baltic or Russian or Europe.
They was like, you know, they was, I don't know.
You could hear some of the women kind of, it felt like there was some abuse up there sometimes.
And they would, and they were heavy set.
They had them big fatty calves.
You know what I'm saying?
Big fucking knees.
I mean, God, like this dude had to spray WD 40 on his knees or whatever to get them bitches to go.
You know, he was, he just had them, God, baby, them leg knuckles, homie.
This motherfucker had was all knees.
He had knees in his damn arms.
He was just big bone like that.
Anyway, I would call the police a lot.
I'd be like, hey, they have a gun upstairs.
That's what I would say.
Do they have it?
I don't know.
But the police get there quick.
If you say, oh, there's some guy with big knees upstairs who's causing a lot of shit, maybe abusing people, they don't come, dude.
But you say that, you know, big dog up there, some fucking European construction worker up there has got that pew pew on him.
Bam.
11 minutes, they're over.
And then I take off my shirt when I talk to the cops in the yard.
That's where I'm from.
And I think that's how you learn a lot about people.
How do you talk to the cops in your front yard?
Shirt on, shirt off.
I go shirt off.
But those are little things about life that are kind of exciting.
Riley Mao.
Yes, sir.
What is something that you are kind of grateful for this year?
A little thing in the world that, like, is there a moment or something in the world that makes you feel some gratitude?
Yeah, I mean, you know, I just, there's a new thing coming at the end of this year.
There's a new thing coming up?
Yeah, that I'm grateful for.
That you're grateful for.
And it's not here yet, you're saying?
Not yet.
And good to hear your voice, brother.
Have you been taking voice lessons or something?
You just sound more comfortable in your skin.
No, just talking more.
Okay.
And what is a, what is the, you're saying there's something else.
There's something on the way that's coming.
What is it?
Or can you share it?
Yeah, yeah.
I've got a, uh, got a little baby coming on along the way.
Yeah.
Dang.
You have a huge.
You have a baby coming?
I do.
Oh my gosh.
Bro.
Unreal, dude.
Congratulations, man.
Thank you.
Oh, my gosh, bro.
Dude, I remember when you hadn't even come out of your own nuts or whatever.
Remember that?
Yeah.
Wow.
And now you're like, I'll show them.
Wow, dude.
I'm going to make this skeet grow up.
That's crazy, dude.
Does everybody know about this?
Yeah, we made a post about it.
Man, I'm sorry, dude.
I've really, I mean, it's selfishly been caught up in my own universe, I think.
But man, I want to hear more about this.
And is this with a woman that you are still involved with?
Yes.
Oh, wow.
So cool, man.
Well, okay, well, I want to get back to you on that.
I'm going to finish out this list.
Is there anything that you can think of outside of this future baby coming?
And is it a male or female?
Do you know?
Have y'all looked at it?
It's a male.
Amen, brother.
God, God has got you, man.
We can even pray about it right now.
You care if we pray about it for a second?
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's do it, man.
God, we just want to thank you today.
You know, in times where we're uncertain about things and where we it feels like it's tough to get a foothold, that sometimes our sense of purpose wanes based on our society, that you can remind us that there are important things in the world.
God, we want to thank you so much for giving Riley a chance to be a father.
You know, when I met Riley, he was barely, he hadn't even had any, I'm going to say it fast so it's not because we are in a prayer.
He hadn't even had any semen come out of his body.
And here he is just serving blast sauce and just having it grow up into something beautiful.
And we want to lift this child up to you, God, before it's even here.
And what's the name of the child, Riley?
We haven't announced it yet.
Okay.
God, we want to lift up this unannounced child to you that at this point is still just a batch of semen and egg that you are helping cultivate and moisturize.
And so we just want to lift that up to you, God, and say thank you for reminding us what is purposeful and that we can find purpose in family.
Riley, amen.
Amen.
Do you feel like this is giving you a sense of purpose, Riley?
I do.
Wow.
I'm so excited for you, man.
And I'm also just like, I mean, it's just, that's what's important.
That's what's important, man.
I'm going to rattle off a few other things.
If you can think of something small, Riley, we're going to get back to you and talk about this in a few seconds because I want to, we have questions that we're going to get to from the hotline.
Some other things that people enjoy doing.
Oh, on my list was getting engaged.
That was one.
That's a fun, beautiful thing where when you see that moment of somebody getting engaged, it really means something.
Did that happen as well for you, Riley?
Not yet.
Okay.
So you're having a child out of wedlock currently?
Yep.
Okay.
So we are stacking sin, brother.
It's okay.
But hey, you're trying, right?
You're figuring it out.
Here's something, painting something and then realizing you can't paint for shit.
That happens to me a lot.
You know, I'll sit down with a kid or a niece or nephew or something.
I'll want to draw something and I'll be like let's draw.
I'll be like, okay, let's draw.
And we'll start drawing.
I'll be like, oh, fuck, I still can't draw.
I can't draw for shit.
I never could.
I can't paint for shit.
And that's a weird moment, but it's still a moment that I appreciate about life.
There's something oddly kind of nice about it because it's very real.
So those are some things that I, some feelings that I've enjoyed over the years.
And those are little things that I like to lock back in on that make me feel alive and purposeful.
And you have a lot of those, I'm sure.
You know, you have a lot of those.
You want to name one, Riley?
Anything else that comes to your mind?
Um, not that I could think of.
Yep.
I knew.
I knew that.
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You know, earlier this year, I had a friend that passed away and there was fundraising for him, you know, to help, just help have finances to take care of his family moving forward, to help with some things.
And fortunately, he also had a life insurance policy.
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Yeah, oh, before we move on, tomorrow we're putting out a special episode with Mike Rowe.
And it's all about focusing on companies that make products in America.
And some of them are very small and some of them are a little bit bigger and have more history.
But we wanted to, you know, a lot of stuff isn't made here anymore.
And we all get kind of stuck where we have to buy things from these big conglomerates.
And that's okay.
Maybe that's how it will always be.
But we were thinking, well, if we could buy stuff from our fellow Americans, then we can support them, right?
So, yeah, it was just kind of this pipe dream where, yeah, I'd rather buy something from you because then I get what I want and you get my money.
And so then if we do that, then we just need each other.
So we started looking at some companies.
There were more we could have done, but we tried to do the best we could.
It was kind of like last minute putting it together.
But that episode will come out this week.
And if you want to watch through and support some of those, cool.
And if not, that's okay too.
But thank you to all the companies that submitted those American Originals products.
And we even made a page.
It's theovon.com slash American Originals.
And you'll be able to go there and just see what all of them are.
So yeah, just really happy that we got to do something like that.
Oh, my friend Sebastian Manascalco has a new special coming out on Hulu.
And somebody sent a clip of that.
So we can take a look at that right here.
Let's give it a watch.
Is anybody getting up in the morning refreshed?
Anybody getting out of bed going, whoa, I had a great sleep.
I get up, I feel worse than when I went to bed.
I'm like, did I sleep last night?
I'm waking up my wife with the sounds coming out of my body Three o'clock in the morning.
She's like, are you eating potato jeeps?
That's my knees extending onto the floor for my ninth piss.
Go back to bed, babe.
I didn't bring a can of Pringles into the bed.
And speaking of going to the bathroom, I took my son to the bathroom at a restaurant and I was watching him go.
I was jealous at the strength of his stream.
He was chipping porcelain off the back of the phone.
Oh, yeah.
And I have, I, yeah, I will say that.
If I'm in a public place, I will wait to go urinate before I go.
I will let it build up.
I will do, you know, I will save up.
I will go.
I will let it build until I'm really big bagging and then I'll go in there because I want, and I'll pee straight into the water as fast as I can.
So that people are like, dang, this guy's really, he got that PSI on him.
You know, you feel me, player?
Let's hear more here from Sebastian.
I get up in the middle of the night and when I go to the bathroom, it's two streams.
I need two toilets now.
I'm pissing missed.
Yeah, this guy, right?
That's a Sebastian.
Like, this guy, this guy, you know?
Like, Sebastian, like, if he saw a ghost or something, he'd be like reporting it to the police.
He'd be like, yeah, officer, you know, this guy, he's not a guy.
You can't see him.
You know?
The guy's a fucking ghost.
Yeah.
And the ghost, you know, he went like, you know?
And I'm like, looking at, he doesn't even have any footprints.
That would be good.
Yeah.
He's reporting a ghost.
Like, yeah, officer.
The guy, he's a, you know, he's not, he's a guy, but he's not a guy.
You feel me?
He's a guy.
You know what I'm saying?
He used to be a guy.
He's a guy.
And the officer's like, excuse me, what are you trying?
He's like, I'm telling you, the guy used to be a guy.
Yeah, I don't know.
That's Manascalo reporting a ghost.
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Who does?
But yeah, there you go.
Watch Sebastian Manascalco.
It ain't right.
That's what it's called.
Now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.
Yeah, I'm going to support my guy there.
So blessings to you, Sebastian, always being supportive, being brave, going out and doing some movies, different things that he wants to do over the years.
I admire that guy.
I admire that guy.
I got to work on that.
That is one of the best.
There's so many people that do so many great Sebastian impersonations.
And just like you see couples in his audience and stuff like that.
And there's something pretty magical about his crowd and his fan base.
We got some calls that came in.
The holidays.
Here's one that came in right here.
Let's hit it.
Hey, Theo.
This is Bailey, and I'm 23.
What's up, Bailey?
And thank you for being alive and calling in.
Onward.
And I was just calling to just tell people that shit does get better.
This time last year on Thanksgiving, I was in a psych ward.
You know, I got the BPD.
And it's like tough to come to terms with.
Wait, you got the what?
Let me hear it again.
In a psych ward, you know, I got the, I got the BPD.
What is BPD, Riley?
You familiar with that?
I am not.
Okay.
You think you could create some familiarity with it pretty quickly somehow over there?
BPD is borderline personality disorder.
Okay.
There we go.
I didn't know it.
And thank you, sir.
Onward.
And it's like tough to come to terms with and just dealing with depression, but I don't know, man.
You don't notice it like right away, but suddenly like it kind of lifts.
And I'm almost a year later and turning 24.
And I don't know, man.
Like it feels cool to live.
And I've just really enjoyed listening to your podcast.
And you're just such a light man.
And I really appreciate you.
And you just say some of the craziest shit, and it always makes my day.
Well, thank you, Theo.
Everybody, shit gets better.
Even if you can't see it right now, I think there's a purpose in life, and it will work out just the way it needs to, even if you can't see it right now.
So let me just like tell you all that.
Bye.
Amen.
Well, that's very profound.
I could hear a lot of the joy in your voice, too.
Yeah, it's like almost like, well, thank you right there, even just that statement.
Like it were, you know, like, even if I just let your words be my glasses for a minute, you know, out of my own eyes, I can't see that this is going to be different.
But if I can take your words of experience right there and put them on my face for a second, I could, I could see, oh, there's so much possibility.
There is a different, there is something different, you know?
So that's kind of like, yeah, that's, I guess, what people's words and encouragement can do for you and sharing your testimony on something.
But I'm so happy for you.
I'm so happy for you, Bailey, that you hung in there.
I love this part.
This part really made me feel something right in here.
Let me play it again.
Tough to come to terms with and just dealing with depression, but I don't know, man.
You don't notice it like right away, but suddenly like it kind of lifts.
And I'm almost a year later and turning 24.
And I don't know, man.
Like, it feels cool to live.
There you go.
That's cool.
Yeah.
Oh, that's another great feeling, huh?
When it feels cool to live, dude.
When you see two people with big bellies that are hugging each other, kind of, or like kind of, God, I love that.
When you see them fucking, first those bellies touch and then they touch each other with their arms.
Fuck, I love that.
We had some neighbors at our first apartment complex and they were bellied up.
I mean, these bitches had some fucking fronts on them, you know?
And people in our area were poor.
And so if you saw somebody that had a little bit extra body on them, you almost were, you were kind of fucking jealous because you knew they'd been eating and they'd been, you know, snacking or whatever and doing ice creams at night.
And it was like, no judgment.
You know, I would look damn emaciated as a child.
And so, but God, you'd see some of them thickers and you'd be like, damn, boy, these thickers out here, they really, they showing off, you know, because if everybody's hungry and you walking around and you stouting about and you got a little sack of, you know, cheese nuggets or whatever in your pocket and shit at all time, baby, then people are going to question things, you know?
And the one dude, he would always keep a little thing of bacon bits on him and he'd fucking sprinkle them bitches in his hand and put a couple in his mouth because he liked having that hit of meat on his tongue.
Anyway, but yeah, them bacon bits.
You ever have any bacon bits, Riley Mal?
I have.
What you think of them, baby?
I think they're pretty good.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, big dog.
What was I talking about?
I don't know.
What were we just talking about, Riley?
Do you remember?
I do not.
Unreal, man.
Good to see you again, as always, dude.
I just played this freaking, and I said, we're having a great time.
And then, shit, I don't know.
But thank you, Bailey, for that calling in and just reminding us that things get better and that we are here for a purpose.
That's what I like.
Putting that on my shoulders.
Well, then, if this is what the world is, right?
Then what is my purpose in it?
Because it's still a video game, and I'm still the hero, right?
That's how we have to look at it, right?
Not in an egotistical way, but it's like that I'm the first player.
That's what I mean.
You're player one, we're all player one for our own lives, and so what is our purpose, you know?
What is my purpose, you know?
And it's kind of nice if you think we live in a world of good versus evil, you know, and not that we all, you know, that we all don't have part pieces of both in us, but that if you fight and that you can fight for one side, and what does that fight for me look like?
That's kind of exciting, it gives your life a little bit of gravity, Riley Mao.
Let's go to you, man.
Dude, I want to say thank you so much, man.
Riley, yep.
Can you hear me?
Yep.
Okay.
Well, didn't seem like you could, but uh, what so take me through this, man?
Because I remember how long ago was it that you and I met, and you would never even felt that that sauce climb right out of that little fucking baby rocket you got out of that little gerbil arm you got.
Yeah, we uh, I think we met back in what 2020?
Nah, ah, I wasn't here.
I thought you were.
Well, we've seen you think a lot of things over the years, big dog that did not pan out.
But no, look, well, look, whatever year it was, man, when we connected, you remember you were at a space sexually, you were not even sexually active, right?
Um, and then that changed.
And how did you get to the point of fatherhood, man?
Because you got there really fast, it seems like.
Do you feel like that?
Just tell me something, yeah.
Um, I uh, I was on tour when you know, when on tour with you were you were working as a uh doing audio visual on tour, correct, okay, and then uh, that's when she found out, so she didn't tell me until I came back.
Okay, and um, did she do a special ceremony to let you know?
No, did she put it in a card or anything?
Did she write it like you know, a lot of times women will uh you know, if they're pissed, they'll fucking write it on the front of your house with spray paint, like it's yours, mother, you know.
Um, but if they're not, sometimes they'll put like a little picture of a baby or something or draw a picture of a baby with a crayon or something and put that, you know, hide it under your dinner napkin or dinner dish.
Nope, okay, nothing, huh?
Nothing.
Did she look you in the eyes?
Was she vacuuming it and she just stopped it for a second and said, Hey, we're, we're, you know, we're having one.
And then start like, did she, was there any extracurriculars involved with it?
Uh, no, we were just sitting down.
Wow.
And how did you feel, man?
Oh, now I feel pretty good.
Okay.
At the first, at the beginning, were you scared?
Yeah.
What were some of your original fears, man?
And thank you for sharing this with us because I think a lot of people go through this.
I mean, we've, we talked to a guy a couple of months ago and he was saying that, you know, he was having a child and he was very scared.
But yeah, tell me about that, Riley baby.
Yeah.
I mean, at first, I was, I was terrified.
I uh, what did you do?
Did you stand up?
Do you fucking shake your hands like this?
Did you make a sound?
Like, can you take me through a little bit of it?
No, we were both just sitting down and I was looking at her and I was like, oh, like, you're not kidding.
And she was like, no, not kidding.
I'm like, you sure?
She was like, yeah, I'm pretty sure.
I'm like, oh, okay.
And did you guys make love again that night?
Or is that?
Not that night.
Okay.
But soon after, you think?
Yeah.
Wow, Riley.
Returning to the scene of the crime, bro.
Dang, dude.
Riley stopping back by to peep the skeet work, homie.
Damn.
That's crazy work, bro.
That's unhinged, dog.
Do you guys remember the night of conception?
Was that a big night?
I know that, you know, whenever we'd spoken last, I think you'd probably had sex, I think, almost six times.
And was this a special evening at all?
When you guys look back on it, had you guys been out to hear any music?
Had you heard some, you know, had you been to the Young Boy show?
Had you been to listen to Samela Langley?
Had you, you know, I know that Dermot Kennedy had also played recently.
Was there anybody that you guys had listened to?
No, it wasn't like that.
I will say it was on April 1st.
Wow.
So Riley popping in, huh?
Yeah.
With that Chinese chop work on fucking April Fool's Day.
Do you think that is a risky day to ejaculate into somebody?
No, I do.
Big facts, homie.
Big facts.
Riley freaking e-jacking.
Damn, homie.
God.
I remember when you were just a little fucking magic lamp, bro, just waiting to bust.
I was afraid to even accidentally bump into you.
Figured the semen would just fly out of your eyes because you were so full and you'd never even e-jacked or whatever.
God, baby, praise God.
And now, and have you seen photos of you?
Are you sure you guys are having a child?
Yeah.
And is there a short list of names, even a few names?
I think we finally narrowed it down.
Can you give us one letter that's in the name?
M. O. Can I have one guess, even if you don't tell me if it's right?
Yeah.
Mark.
Good guess.
But you're not telling me if it's right, huh?
Nope.
Yeah.
And you can't, is there, yeah, I don't know if you can.
Mark is kind of, it's a great name.
I have a friend named Mark.
He's doing pretty good, I think.
Well, I want you to think of a couple of things.
Like, I'm going to come back to this, Riley.
We're going to jump into another call right here, okay?
Here's one right here, a call that came in.
Hi, Theo.
It's Anna.
Hey, Anna.
Thank you for calling.
And blessings to you this time of year, my love.
Onward?
I'm just calling because, you know, the holidays are coming up.
Thanksgiving, Christmas for all who celebrate.
And anyways, I hate my family.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, that is a thing.
That's a thing.
I hate saying it out loud, but I hate them.
They're so mean to me.
And I have no one to celebrate with.
And I'm just sad, man.
I'm just so sad about it.
And I don't know if you've ever had problems with your family, but it just sucks.
So, anyways, I figured I'd just send this voicemail because I don't know.
I just wanted to.
Bye, Theo.
Bye, Anne.
Was it Anne or Anna?
I'm sorry.
All right, do you remember Riley?
Hi, View.
It's Anna.
Well, Anna, thanks for calling in and just letting us know.
Sometimes it is, you do have to say something, you know?
Sometimes you have to say something.
Sometimes you have to say stuff.
I hate my family.
I don't give a shit.
I think somebody's a wizard.
Fuck you.
Piece of shit.
Those are five things I'd have said that were inside of me.
Sometimes if you do that, you rattle off five things and you just make it every other second.
You put a finger up and you have to say them no matter what.
You know?
Start that one, Riley.
Started with, I hate my family and do four others right after.
see what comes out of you uh uh just try it There's no right or wrong.
I love my girlfriend.
We have to start with, I hate my family.
We're not saying we hate our families.
We're just saying we're supporting Ann.
All right.
I hate my family.
I love my girlfriend.
This podcast is great.
Come on, you're thinking too hard.
Let it out.
Fuck.
Let it out, motherfucker.
Say it!
Whatever.
It's all good, man.
You do your best.
Was there any best you could do?
Yeah.
Okay.
That's all right, man.
I think you're still in your head about it, but sometimes just letting those feelings out.
And yeah, I could definitely relate.
Look, I'll tell you some things, though, and I will say this.
There's times where I didn't like my family, but the truth was I'm the problem.
You know?
Now, if they're so mean to you, that's one thing.
But I had times in my life where I'm the problem.
Oh, I don't want to go to that.
Why?
Because I don't want to be uncomfortable.
Well, if I've already, you know, now if it's true that I'm all, it's like they're mean to me and they are, you know, if they put on heavy gloves and tickle me or they do something bad or call me dirty baby or something or fucking write racial shit on my car or whatever.
Yeah, that's fucked up.
But if they're just, you know, being family and stuff and, you know, I don't know.
Like we have to make things real.
So it's like, yeah, I got to go show up.
It's an act, you know, consider it an act of service.
At least in my family, there might be another family member that gets to look across the table and I'm there for them, right?
And the truth is, I'll get more joy out of it because I need family.
I need connection.
So I'm not preaching at you or anything.
I think I'm actually just talking to myself out loud.
But I've made, you know, over the years, I've thought, I don't need that.
I don't need that, you know.
But so maybe there's a way to try to work it out for the best.
And if not, don't get caught in that self-pity place.
Like right here, you were saying.
And I have no one to celebrate with.
And I'm just sad, man.
I'm just so sad about it.
Right.
That place can get kind of tricky.
Like, it's okay to feel some sadness, but don't get so caught in it where you're just always just telling people you're sad or feeling too sad.
Like it's okay, but that can become like I got addicted in my life to self-pity and I didn't realize it.
So anyway, I hope you don't think I'm trying to preach at you.
And maybe I was a little bit.
I'm sorry.
I'm a little animated.
And I just, yeah, we're trying our best, though.
And so are you.
And so that's okay.
And happy holidays to you.
And yeah, I'll be thinking of you.
And I'll say a nice little prayer for you.
And Anna.
Anna.
Happy Thanksgiving, Anna.
And I hope you create a moment where you find some other friends, you know, or find some other family.
You know, you don't have to do it all, but make sure, yeah, try to have some sense of connection out there.
Even if you're just holding a puppy or you're doing something looking at animals online, you know, just don't isolate too much, I think.
If you can help it.
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All righty, let's hit another call here.
What's up, Theo?
This is Cage from down here in Ellenborough, North Carolina.
What's up, Cage over there from North?
Thank you for calling, brother.
Happy holidays onward.
And me and my lady, we got a little boy and we try to have another baby.
And we, you know, we're pregnant and we went to the doctor.
We're having two of them, motherfuckers.
We're having twins and it's two little girls.
We got a boy now.
I'm just asking what kind of advice you think you can give me.
I don't know.
We ain't got no girls or nothing.
There's going to be two babies at once.
So what's your thoughts?
And what's some advice you can give me?
Thank you, man.
Amen, brother.
Thank you, brother.
And thank you for calling in, man.
Congratulations, I would say, right there.
That's what I would say.
Riley Mao, what would you say to this fella?
I would say congratulations.
And what advice would you have for him?
Or what fears do you have here with even one coming in?
Because y'all are running one.
And this fella's, he's got that side by side going.
I mean, it's, you know, just get ready.
And there you go right there.
I'll tell you right this there, Cage.
I don't, and you, you know, people know this and blessings to you and your family, but I don't believe in twins, right?
I've never have believed in twins.
I don't kind of believe in some of that wizardry, you know, that, you know, I don't believe in some of the trickery and wizardry of the darker realms.
But you guys are having twins and you guys are going to be owner, owner operators of twins.
And so I support that.
You know, I support you.
And I want your children to be happy, of course, you know.
You know, but I've, yeah, I've seen a lot of stuff happen in there that can get out there that can get pretty wild.
Where twins will keep secrets.
There was that twin, they've had that twin baby.
There's a video of it that can whistle.
You know, bitch is four months old, bitch is whistling.
Dogs are showing up outside.
So that seems extracurricular spiritually to me.
But I think one thing is, man, you just got to just be there and love them.
You got to be there and love them.
And it sounds like you guys are already ready to do that.
You know, you sounded excited.
I could hear the excitement in your voice.
Yeah, it's tough, you know.
But now, if you could rat, like, you might have to ration food.
I don't know what it gets like.
You know, I don't know how crazy the world gets where if the government will take a twin for you.
I don't know what realm we're headed into.
But I just think you got, man, you got a lot of, you got a lot of work ahead, brother.
But it sounds like your heart is ready for it, man.
And congratulations and blessings to you guys over there.
And praise God.
And yeah.
You know, I can't even imagine what that's like.
You know, I just can't even imagine.
My stepdad used to own us one of those five bay outdoor car washes and ghost because he had a three bay, right?
He ran a three bay over there for a while.
It was coin operated off of 190 over there in Covington.
Right near right upriver from Bogafly Park.
And he ran that coin op over there and he got that five bay and God, it shook him.
It shook him.
So it was a lot.
So, yeah, and I'm not trying to, you know, maybe, yeah, I shouldn't be comparing owning coin-operated car washes to an amount of children you can have, but, you know, some people do that shit, man.
You know, I mean, yeah, I mean, I had a neighbor like that.
She'd compare things that shouldn't even be.
You know, it'd be like I'd say, you know, there's been a lot of fentanyl overdoses and it's just heartbreaking for America.
And she'd just always be like, well, you know, well, we, you know, we, we got very sick from the new Chinese food place.
I'm like, all right, bitch.
All right.
That ain't the same.
Let me see.
Let's finish up this holiday episode here.
Thanksgiving.
And man, this is kind of some of the most fun is some of this.
And I want to lean into this more.
I think I didn't know, you know, you're just trying with podcasts.
You're just trying to figure out what do you want?
And then you start to think, well, what does your audience want?
But then even when I was on my buddy's podcast the other day, he said, well, it's like, yeah, who do you want to listen to?
What do you want to learn about?
And what do you want to talk about?
And what excites you?
You know, and that was good.
That was good to hear and be reminded of.
And yeah, I think sometimes I struggle when I'm losing, when I'm lacking confidence about myself.
I don't know what my plan is.
And so I'll like look at other people's plans and see, you know, well, maybe I'll just try and do that, do what's worked for somebody else type of thing.
And there's nothing wrong with that, but yeah, I like it better when I feel grounded.
I'm more locked in on my own plan.
And so I think that's something I hope over this holiday season to just connect with God more and get a stronger sense of myself and my own plan.
But yeah, I'm just thankful that we can be alive to think about these things and hear about them together and to watch some God bravely bring twins into the world.
Dark arts, brother.
What do we got here?
Hey, Theo.
My name is Danielle.
Hey, Danielle.
Thanks for calling.
Onward.
I'm calling from Southern California.
I had a question for you.
I've heard you say before that you are trying to meet God halfway.
And, you know, in my life lately, I've been struggling with some stuff and I'm seeing God or at least like the universe or some sort of higher power working to help me in kind of mysterious ways.
But anyway, so my question for you is, well, I guess I want to learn how to meet that higher power halfway.
So what does that look like to you when you say that you're trying to meet God halfway?
All right.
Thank you so much.
Thanks for all that you do.
Oh, thank you so much for the call there.
Yeah, I guess when I, what I mean about that is like, yeah, it's just, it's a relationship, you know.
So if I have, if I'm, you know, in prayer in consultation with a higher power, right?
It can be God.
It can be the universe.
It can be what you need for you, right?
If I'm praying regularly, if I'm thinking about others regularly, if I'm checking in on people to see how they're doing, if I'm getting outside of myself, those are things I feel like God wants me to do, you know?
And if I do those things, it keeps my relationship with my higher power, with the universe, with God, however you choose to describe it.
It keeps that warm.
You know, it's a comfortable, it's not a far walk.
You know, if I've talked to God in prayer and thought or in consultation in the past day or two or today a couple times, then if I need some help and say, God, I don't know what to do right now.
Can you help guide me?
You know, can you give me some intuition?
Can you, do you have any, do you have any direction for me?
Those sorts of things.
Then the relationship's already warm because I've been praying and kind of talking with God through prayers and just through moments of silence and peace, meditation, those sorts of things.
So if I have that going and if the relationship's already warm, then if I need God for something immediately or I need some influence from the universe, I need some help.
I need some guidance, some suggestion, then it's right.
Then the walkway is already warm, you know, because there's already a lot of footprints on it.
It's more of a thoroughfare than if I'm just running in last minute and be like, where's God?
You know, you know, I need something.
I need to, you know.
So, yeah, I think that's all I was saying.
Because I think God's right there.
It's just like, how much do we want to connect?
And I think we've gotten away from that as a society, maybe.
And maybe that might just be me saying that.
So I think I've gotten it away from it some in my life.
We got a call right here that came in.
Let's get one more here.
Hi, Theo.
I was just calling to tell you how much I've appreciated all of your podcasts.
I've been to two of your comedy shows.
And I just am happy to hear that you're getting a break for yourself and that you're done touring because you really give so much of yourself to us.
And I'm so grateful for that.
But I hope you're taking time to practice self-care because you've been through a lot just from hearing about your stories and hearing even the truths of your comedy show.
I just hope that you're getting some time to just really reflect and appreciate your own work and how much you've made a difference in all of our lives.
I listened to you in my first half marathon.
I listened to you throughout college, listened to you in med school now.
And I just wanted to call and just give you my appreciation because you really made a difference in my life and you've made me see things so much differently.
And I just, I love you for that.
And yeah, that's all I wanted to say.
I don't have a question or anything.
I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you.
And yeah, gang gang.
Oh, thanks for that.
That's a that's a very sweet message.
The half marathon really shook me.
That's cool.
I can't even imagine somebody running by and they're hearing me rattling around in their head.
That's crazy work.
Well, thank you for being a doctor.
Thank you for working hard to get out there and do something in the world that can help some other people.
That's great.
I love that in a medical way.
I think people find different ways to do it.
And some of us can be doctors and you're able to be able to go do that.
So that's really exciting.
Yeah, I'm trying to learn how to take time for myself.
You know, it's, it's been like the break from touring has been good.
But then the crazy part was you, I break, I break from touring and then I realize that I'm still busy.
You're like, oh my God.
But some of that has like, some of that has been finishing up, has been finishing up stuff that I needed to get done, like finishing up movie, this little movie edit thing that we made.
You know, just different responsibilities, different little things that we're trying to do.
The thing with Mike Rowe for buying products from other Americans, that sort of thing, making sure we got that done.
And it's weird because the part of you that's creative doesn't really stop.
It's like it still wants to do stuff.
But like your body and your brain are just like, hey, man, let's get a little bit of organization here.
So yeah, I'm certainly more focused on it.
And I'm grateful that I have the means to be able to take some time off.
I also feel like we're in a spot where, you know, you want to have a voice.
You know, it feels like right now it's like, you know, I feel like it's more important than ever to try to try and have a voice and to be brave.
And sometimes I feel like I'm letting, I'm faltering in some of that space.
And like, is it my responsibility, you know, to try and talk about things or speak up about things?
And then is it just my ego that's saying that?
You know, or like in the timeline of existence, like, yeah, what am I supposed to be doing now?
What am I, you know, what means something?
Yeah, now that I can feed myself, you know, for the rest of my life probably to be, you know, what me, what means something?
You know, what means something.
And maybe this goes back to that last call about, you know, just praying more about it and getting more idea.
So, but having some time off has offered me.
I got to go to like 10 football games this year, SEC football games.
And I've never gotten to do.
I've been touring like in the like, I mean, probably 16 years, probably.
I don't even know forever.
Like, actually, but if you tour every other weekend in the fall, on your weekends off, it's hard to go somewhere.
It's just like, you know, it's a lot.
So, to be able to go to like a lot of football games is like, that's brought me a ton of joy.
So, I have found a lot of things that have brought me more joy and had more of a social life.
So, that's been a good time.
But I still think of finding more ways to give myself like just more rest.
And, you know, got back into therapy.
So, that's good.
Just things like that.
So, I think that's growing.
And so, I'm grateful for that.
But thank you so much for the call.
And yeah.
I think we might be able to maybe finish this episode up.
Riley, anything else you have?
Nope.
Nothing at all.
What do you wish for your child as he comes into the world?
And it's a boy, huh?
Yeah.
Little Mark.
Or whatever.
We're not going to say it's Mark, but it'd be something.
Mark Mao, that would be his name, huh?
You can think that.
If it were Mark, I'm saying.
Sure.
It'd be Mark Mao.
Mark Mao.
But then it's always Mark Set Go.
People always do that.
And people try to race you all the time.
Mark set go.
And you're like, fuck.
That would suck.
But what do you wish for that baby, that little semen that's fucking growing in your lady right now?
What do you wish for that little freaking yellow bus that you freaking launched over there?
And now it's over there doing work.
Big dog, what do you wish for that little fucking Edamame you got growing, baby boy?
What you think, Riley?
I just, you know, wish that he's healthy.
Well, look, man, I'm happy for you, dude.
You've come a long way, dude.
Did you think that this would happen in your life?
What age are you, Riley?
I don't even know.
I don't know if you're 70 or 15.
How old are you?
I'm 27.
Are you really?
Oh my God.
I thought you were 16.
Nope.
That's beautiful, dude.
So this is time, huh?
Yeah.
And what's it been like having a pregnant woman and dealing and being blessed enough to deal with someone like that?
It's a lot.
Okay.
Type shit, man.
Well, we love you, man.
And thank you so much for being on this journey with us over the years.
I can't believe that I knew you when you had-I mean, you were, I remember when you even have any fucking hair on your neck, I think just a little bag of just yum-yum soup, just full of that energy.
When you look back and now, a few years back, and realize you had never ejaculated, you do you feel like now that you've been doing it well since then?
Yeah, yeah.
You ever miss the old days when you were just full?
Um, not really.
There we go, busting and growing them.
That's where he is now.
Yeah, thank you to everybody that supported the auction.
Uh, thank you, um, to you guys just for uh letting me be a part of your lives and for me, uh, and for you being a part of mine.
And uh, thanks for just bearing with me as we've tried to kind of navigate like what's most important.
Things have changed so much over the years, and like things in my life have kind of changed.
And like, um, uh, but it's like, And so it's been, you know, I didn't ever know what it would be like to have a podcast and to and that and to do it and and to navigate it and stuff.
So it's, you know, it's, it's been interesting.
And then, at the same time, you, you, you realize your own shortcomings as a um, business developer and all that kind of it's just like you know, there's so many things where, like i've learned on the fly, kind of, as i've gone along.
You know um, and you guys have had a lot of grace with me in just letting me do that and uh, and so thank you, you know, thank you for having enough grace um, with me as i've just kind of learned, figured things out, because I think we're all just doing that, we're all just kind of trying our best to figure it out.
So um, all love out there, happy thanksgiving, shout out everybody, and all love to the native Americans out there.
If I get a time machine and I get to go back, i'm gonna pull up for y'all.
I'm gonna pull up for y'all and we're gonna, and i'm gonna bring weapons so you could have a let's make it a fair fight.
That's what i'm thinking um, but god bless bro, praise god, and I just wish everybody happy thanksgiving.
Man, and if you need me baby, i'm upstairs.
Riley Mao, what do you have to say?
You want to say goodbye?
What do you feel like?
Huh, you got that turkey in the oven?
Already, I do.
And is that wiener still working?
Good brother, it is.
And are you allowed to have sex on a?
Uh with a?
Uh, a?
Um, a woman, that is, with child or whatever?
Yeah okay, up until how?
When is that cut off?
What's that cutoff date there, brother?
Um, as soon as she has the baby?
No oh, so you can do it up until she has the baby.
Oh bro, what a sick dude.
Bro bro, that's crazy dude.
If you run in that kind of game, cut anyway, blessings to you, brother.
And when will the new baby be here?
Uh, december 30th Riley, that's awesome, brother.
Well, we look forward to seeing a picture of it in the few in the new year.
Brother, what do you think?
Yes sir, will you bring us one?
Is that?
Okay, I will, all right, and prayers to your wife.
Do let her know that we'll be praying for you guys' peace and comfort.
Is she excited?
Yeah, all right, All right.
On behalf of everybody, happy Thanksgiving.
You guys be good to yourselves, man.
You deserve it.
And yeah, I'm all over the place, but I'm also right here.
