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Feb. 25, 2025 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

02:02:04

E565 Bert Kreischer

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comedian, podcaster and actor known for his shows “Bertcast”, “Something’s Burning” and “2 Bears 1 Cave” with Tom Segura. His new special “Lucky” premieres March 18th on Netflix. Bert Kresicher joins Theo to talk about winning at couples therapy, the long lost pilot he and Theo made years ago, and why his next big project could be a Bollywood music video. Bert Kreischer: https://www.instagram.com/bertkreischer/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Draftkings: The fun of the basketball season continues with the most fun way to play fantasy sports – Pick 6 from DraftKings. Download the DraftKings Pick Six app NOW and use code THEO. Play $5, get $50 in Pick 6 credits. Better payouts. Bigger wins. Only with Pick6 from DraftKings. The Crown is yours. https://www.draftkings.com/ Moonpay: Looking to get into crypto? Head over to https://Moonpay.com/Theo to sign up. Acorns: Go to http://acorns.com/theo to get a $20 bonus investment when you start saving & investing with Acorns. Shopify: Go to http://shopify.com/theo to sign up for your $1-per-month trial period today. NetSuite: Go to http://netsuite.com/theo to download the CFO’s Guide to AI and Machine Learning. ------------------------------------------------- Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. Help is available for problem gambling. Call (888) 789-7777 or visit ccpg.org (CT). 18+ in most eligible jurisdictions, but other age and eligibility restrictions may apply. Valid only in jurisdictions where DraftKings Pick6 operates. Pick6 not available everywhere, including, but not limited to NY, and CA-ONT (for up-to-date list of jurisdictions please visit pick6.draftkings.com/where-is-pick6-available). Void where prohibited. 1 per new Pick6 customer. $5+ first Pick Set to receive $50 issued as non-withdrawable Pick6 Credits that expire in 14 days (336 hours). Ends 3/31/25 at 11:59 PM ET. Terms: pick6.draftkings.com/promos Sponsored by DraftKings. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Cam https://www.instagram.com/cam__george/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time	Text
	I have some new tour dates to tell you about.
	I'll be in Chicago, Illinois on April 24th at the Wind Trust Arena, Fort Wayne, Indiana on April 26th at the Allen County War Memorial Coliseum, and Miami, Florida on May 10th at the Caseya Center.
	All tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
	Today's guest is a stand-up comedian, a podcaster, an actor.
	You know him from his shows Burt Cast and Two Bears, One Cave with Tom Segura.
	He's got a new special coming out on Netflix called Lucky, which premieres March 18th.
	I'm grateful to have my friend, the machine here today, Mr. Bert Kreischer.
	Shine on me, and I will find a song I've been singing just before.
	And now I've been moving away.
	There's a woman out there teaching her kid how to ride a bike.
	I could do it in five minutes.
	You want to get to it?
	Buddy, it's part of what I'm working on in therapy.
	Really?
	Let people have their own thing.
	Oh.
	Yeah.
	I get my fingers in everything.
	And I just was like, hey, here's what we do.
	We take off the pedals, okay?
	And you teach him to just glide with his feet and lift his feet up.
	That's how I did it with both my girls.
	Then we go to a subtle decline and we do it that way with feet up the whole way.
	Then we put the pedals back on and teach them how to pedal.
	So easy.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, riding a bike, the toughest thing I remember.
	Well, first, some guy was teaching, you don't know him usually.
	In my neighborhood, you didn't know him.
	It was like some dude's dad.
	We'd be out there drinking or something.
	He's like, I'll teach this little f ⁇ , whatever, you know?
	You're like, well, that's not, that's a whole.
	That's not how it works at all.
	Usually you definitely know the guy.
	Well, yeah, but yes, but a lot of times you also don't know.
	Some places you don't know the guy, right?
	Or if your dad isn't there or whatever.
	So there's some guy who sets his beard down.
	He's like, I'll teach this little motherfucker.
	I almost did that out front.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Okay, that makes sense.
	That tracks.
	Yeah.
	So then that guy, so now suddenly there's some guy teaching you don't even know or whatever.
	And then they get you going, right?
	And that part's good.
	But the scary part is then you realize you have to steer.
	And that's where a lot of people just bankrupt.
	You have to do two things twice.
	You have to pedal and steer.
	And it's counterintuitive.
	My daughter Isla, the first time I taught her how to ride a bike, I got her going, pedals off, gliding, pedals back on.
	Here we go.
	And boom, hit a BMW, hard as shit, over the handlebars, body mark on top of the hood.
	And I was like, God.
	So then, she goes, I'm good, dad.
	Second time we get her, she hits a trash can right away.
	I'm like, God dang.
	And then third time, she hit a fire hydrant.
	And then we realized she needed glasses.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, we got to get her glasses at that point.
	She's dyslexic, too.
	She hits so much shit.
	We got a video of her.
	That kid has been, are we rolling?
	Are we good?
	Huh?
	I don't know.
	Are we?
	Okay.
	That kid rolled the dice on life so much.
	So much.
	Do you know the feeling of when you cut your bike front tire and it goes like this?
	She would do that.
	That's how she rode a bike.
	She liked her stomach to drop.
	So she'd go, and Georgia had a GoPro on her helmet and Isla did it and then went over the handlebars.
	And it's the cutest video Georgia looks at me.
	She goes, Dad, I got it.
	Capture the footage.
	Yeah, it was great.
	Wow.
	You guys are a footage family.
	You've always been kind of a footage family then.
	Yeah, but it was before content, really.
	Right.
	Like when we, you know, I got an Instagram to not for professional reasons.
	I got an Instagram to keep up with people I knew in high school and college.
	And then you're like, oh, in comics, cool.
	No one was posting videos of like promo videos.
	No.
	And then I shared everything about my family on everything.
	I remember the first time I realized maybe I was oversharing is I posted our Christmas card on Instagram and someone hit me up, guy we both know that we respect hit me up.
	And he's like, dude, what are you doing?
	I was like, and it got like a million likes.
	And I was like, you know, I don't know, you get addicted to the likes.
	You're like, nice.
	You killed it.
	And then you don't realize your kids, all their friends see that.
	And then you're putting, you're taking toothpaste out of the tube that you never put back in.
	But that was, it was, we were creating content, not knowing what we were doing.
	Oh, I see what you were saying.
	Like, you were like, maybe you were putting things that might have been too personal out there.
	You mean?
	Way too personal.
	Yeah.
	I mean, I talked about I was period on one of my specials.
	And you weren't there for the first period or whatever, were you?
	Oh, my God.
	And y'all didn't like candles or whatever, huh?
	Yeah, we did.
	Hang on.
	Yeah.
	Dude, as a comic, okay?
	Uh-huh.
	Certain things happen to us where we go, that's too good.
	That's got to go on stage.
	Like something happens and you're like, it's like, it just, it's a, I don't know if it's like a, I don't know, like if it's a neediness or whatever it is, but she got her period.
	And I, I mean, I talked about it on special, but she called me from school and she's like, yo, it happened.
	I was like, yeah.
	She's like, I go, what do you need?
	Like new socks or like, she's like, you know, new panties, new pants, new, whatever.
	She goes, no, go to the, go to the store and get a red velvet cake.
	I was like, huh?
	She goes, we're throwing a period party.
	And I was like, wow.
	I was like, okay.
	Be positive.
	And immediately as we were, as the night went through, and by the way, I'm putting on all social media because it's funny.
	And no one has a frame of reference for how big this is getting, you know?
	And you're just filming and you're laughing and everyone's laughing.
	And then Island the next morning was like, yo, maybe we want to take that off social media.
	Maybe I don't want everyone I went to school with to know I got my period yesterday.
	I was like, could call a 10-year-old or 12-year-old, whatever you are.
	God, I don't know if people got, I mean, I guess people kind of remember.
	I think if somebody got their period in our neighborhood, people would just start calling them a whore or whatever.
	You know, like, I think people were just, yeah, people were more vulgar in our area.
	I think, you know, if anything happened, it was everybody always made it, you feel ashamed no matter what happened to you, you know?
	Oh, okay.
	Yeah.
	I've been talking about shame a lot in therapy.
	Have you been?
	Yeah.
	You just said, well, you just said that you saw somebody who was trying to teach your kid to ride a bike because I heard something going on out there.
	I heard something that sounded kind of Mexican or whatever happen outside.
	It was very Mexican.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I heard like something kind of Mexican happen outside earlier and I was like, oh, I wonder what's going on, but I'm not going to get involved.
	I got to work right now.
	But you came in, you said you saw a mom teaching a kid to ride a bike.
	Yeah.
	And you were going to get involved.
	I wanted to get involved.
	Yeah.
	And I just was like, no, this is their life.
	What am I doing?
	Like, what part, what need do I have to jump in, make it an event?
	and then I don't know.
	So I was like, I'm working on that in therapy too.
	Just like removing myself, slowing down, listening.
	Yeah.
	Well, Leah and I are in couples therapy.
	Oh, y'all are?
	It's awesome.
	No way.
	Yeah, I'm fucking killing her.
	Like, I've gone, I've won three.
	She's only won two.
	Two ties.
	I'm smoking her, dude.
	The very first therapy, the very first therapy.
	The therapist, like, I was just, I just, I didn't, like, we went into couples therapy in a good place.
	We were in a good place, but the girls both went to college.
	We're spending a lot of time together, you know, and like, I just, both of us were like, yo, this is just different than we've ever lived.
	I've always been on the road, home Tuesday, Wednesday, gone Thursday, back Monday.
	And now all of a sudden, and I'm taking a break from stand-up right now.
	So I'm taking like a year off.
	And we're just around each other so much.
	We're like, maybe we should like just be in front of it in case something happens.
	Right.
	Like, see what's going on.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And so, yeah, the first therapy, the therapist, Leanne interrupted me and the therapist goes, now you know me, right?
	He goes, does he ever talk?
	I was like, oh, this is awesome.
	She's got, I'm got, Leanne got crossed up.
	She was like on her heels.
	She's like, wait, what the fuck?
	He won't shut the fuck.
	He's just not talking now.
	I never fucked.
	Like, it was like, oh, yeah.
	He's badass.
	Damn, dude.
	Who picked the therapist?
	That's the thing that happens a lot of times is with couples, I think you get, if you pick a therapist and it's almost like that's your, you have like, um, you know, like the insider trading on the referees or whatever, you know?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	She picked the therapist.
	You did?
	Yeah, I'm not, I'm never going to find a therapist.
	Yeah.
	And was it weird?
	And one of the things they said in there was that you got to let people do their thing.
	Yes.
	I need to slow down.
	I have FOMO.
	I want to be involved in everything.
	I want to like, I just.
	I get, I feel like I've done too much just looking at you.
	Like if I look at you, I'm like, oh, fuck.
	I got to sit down for a minute.
	Dude, I get, when I wake up, when I wake up, if I hear something happening downstairs, I got to go downstairs.
	I go, what are we doing?
	Hang on.
	We're playing with the dogs.
	I want to be a part of that.
	Yeah.
	Like, dude, I, and I have my day starts early and it just, I, I slam it.
	Cause if I have any downtime, I get in my head.
	I get on my phone.
	I don't, it's just not positive.
	And so I pack my days.
	I had a therapist tell me one time you have FOMO.
	Wow.
	I was like, that doesn't sound like a therapy.
	Yeah.
	Well, I mean, it's just crazy.
	You would, yeah, I guess you hear something.
	You want to go see it.
	You want to be a part of it.
	You want to know what's going on.
	Yeah.
	Like, when you got sober, did that change?
	Because there has to be a part of you when you get sober where you go, hey man, they're all going out, but I'm cool staying home.
	Oh, no, I just didn't.
	The best thing that happened from that was at like 11.30 or midnight, I was like, I'm fucking heading home.
	So you just didn't end up like in the retardation hours.
	You know, you didn't end up fucking, you know, sneaking into somebody's house through an air vent or some fucking shit or some dude tricking, trying to trick you into being gay or whatever.
	I'm so glad when I hear you talk like that, I go, I definitely don't have a problem.
	I've never known anyone to climb through an air vent.
	Oh, dude, have you seen the, there's a great meth tribute video where a guy shows up through a floor air vent in somebody's trailer.
	That shit was something else.
	Dude, when I was a kid, my buddy Jeff, he had like a lot of violent tendencies or whatever.
	I don't know what happened to him, but he would get so angry.
	His parents would send him to his room and he would beat the drywall out of the wall of his room.
	And every year for Christmas, they would get the drywall redone in his room.
	Oh, that's very sweet of him.
	And he would listen to that song, you gotta keep them separated.
	I just met those dudes.
	Do you know that they got, they said, I was talking to the, to Dexter and fucking Slinky.
	It's not Slinky.
	Dexter and what?
	Noodles, Dexter Noodles.
	And they said, you know, that a lot of white supremacists adopted that song.
	Ooh.
	Yeah.
	You know another song white supremacists adopted?
	These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do.
	But some white supremacists, one of these days, these boots are gonna walk all over you.
	Jews.
	Oh.
	Stomp.
	Yeah.
	Damn.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I heard that in the old school.
	You ever watch the old school Ku Klux Klan videos?
	They didn't do a music video, did they?
	I don't think so.
	I haven't seen that if they did.
	There would be like the videos where it's like the one British guy infiltrates the Klan and he's like, so I'd like to talk to your son.
	And he's like, so do you have a problem with black people?
	Oh, you're talking about, dude.
	Louis Thoreau.
	Oh, Louis Thoreau, yeah.
	And then he'd go to like their fucking, their big barn, and they're burning his cross.
	And he's like, I feel a little uncomfortable.
	This isn't really my cup of tea.
	Oh, the cross is a little warm.
	Can you turn down the heat lamp?
	A little close to the cross.
	Can we do smaller crosses?
	Maybe spread them out evenly by the tables.
	Kind of like a heat lamp.
	He goes, actually, my wife's a bit cold.
	Could you spark up a small cross near her?
	Do you think that was the first crossburning?
	They're like, well, we want to get us right here, but there's people on the side.
	Like, let's get, spread it out.
	Like, the fire's too centralized.
	Well, I think that's why you, that's probably why they burn a cross.
	It's kind of the perfect fucking heat plant.
	I don't understand.
	I mean, I'm sure it's ominous to see a crossburning in your front yard, but I'd be, if I saw that and I'm like, two in the morning, I'd be like, fucking sweet.
	Yeah.
	I'd be like, nice.
	I believe in God.
	Fuck yeah.
	I'd be like, oh, damn, we got a megadeth rally happening.
	What is this?
	Our organization is just advertising our reality.
	Yeah, fascinating guy.
	He did Curtin Courtney, too, I think.
	He's done a lot of documentaries.
	He's done a ton.
	But he does like gossip documents.
	Yeah, it's always, and it's a little, it was almost a little bit.
	Will the skin herd in the crowd please leave immediately?
	How about Elijah?
	Could be handy for crossburnings.
	Elijah, that's not cool.
	You can't use a big lighter for a crossbury.
	No?
	No, you have to use a torch or something.
	How come?
	Can't use a Bic lighter for a crossburning.
	Hang on, hang on.
	hang on.
	Pick that apart.
	That is fucking hilarious.
	If they've built the cross, it's covered in fucking kerosene.
	And you see a guy at the bottom.
	I can't get it.
	Hang on.
	It's too windy.
	Like someone trying to light a cigarette behind the comedy store.
	Hey, somebody come staying like, dude, one time I was at this party out in Franklin, Tennessee, and they had like a huge bonfire, right?
	And so they were, and they had one black guy that was at the party, right?
	And they sent him to pour the gasoline on all of this huge, I mean, it's a huge politics.
	You had to climb up.
	I mean, it was humongous.
	It was probably.
	A little gas goes a long way.
	I agree.
	And it was 40 feet wide and probably 20 feet high as pile.
	And I was like, and there was American flags everywhere.
	I was like, you cannot send the one black.
	I was like, if anything happens right there, this looks absolutely.
	You can be with your Jewish friend and go, hey, there's something in the back of my oven.
	Can you climb in and see if you can get it out?
	You're like, no, fuck no.
	Well, that's why Jews invented the self-cleaning oven, dude.
	They're like, we're not doing that, sure.
	We're not falling for that again.
	Oh, oh, fuck.
	They're going to make us take that out, probably.
	You can't, huh?
	Well, unless the Jews actually invented the self-cleaning oven, then it's just fucking Dude, so I can't believe you're in therapy.
	So that's going on.
	Yeah.
	I like it.
	You do?
	I didn't do therapy.
	I quit therapy for a period of time because I was talking too much.
	Meaning two bears, bird cast, something's burning, and Tor.
	So every day I'm talking like four hours a day.
	And I was like, I just was losing my voice like crazy.
	I was like, I can't talk.
	I just don't physically want to talk anymore.
	And then when I took time off, I was like, like the second I took time off, like my first week, I got really depressed.
	So I was like, I don't know.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	But are you able to figure out like what that depression is?
	I mean, because otherwise.
	It's not torrent.
	Oh, it's just not.
	Not being on the go.
	Not being on the go, not having something going, not like, hey, we got to pack you up.
	We got to get you to, da, da, da, da.
	We're going out to Boston.
	You're doing the thing.
	But you already have, you've done so much.
	Like, don't you worry that burn, like continuing to burn it at that speed would burn you out?
	Or maybe you just don't get burnt out?
	No, I don't get burnt out.
	I don't get burned out.
	What was happening to me was creative.
	Like creatively, I just felt like I was just spinning my wheels and nothing good was coming out.
	Oh, yeah.
	And so I was like, I gotta, like, I got done this last hour.
	It was premiering on Netflix March 18th.
	I think 18th.
	Someone checked that.
	Lucky.
	And when I got done doing that hour, I feel like I, you know how like when we get, you know how when you start a new hour, you scrap everything and then you go to your joke book, you go, I got like 20 minutes.
	Right.
	For this special, I dumped everything.
	Fucking seven minute stories, turned it into a three-minute story.
	I dumped everything.
	I just piled this.
	My first four minutes was initially like 10 minutes and I crammed it.
	So I wanted it to be good because it's like, you know, it's like my sixth special.
	So I don't want people to think I got lazy.
	But then when I got done, I was like, yo, I need to write.
	And I was like, my girls are in college.
	I'm with Leanne all the time.
	Like, what am I talking about?
	Like, who am I?
	What am I going to like?
	And so I was like, I'm taking time off.
	But my first week, I'm sitting in my backyard and I'm just like depressed, looking at people touring, having fun, looking at like.
	So severely just that fear of missing out.
	Missing out, man.
	Like, I just, I love the energy.
	And we pulled fully loaded from the summer to give me time off to do this thing.
	This summer?
	This summer, which we do fully loaded every summer, and it's so fucking fun.
	Oh, those videos, I would always get envious of those, seeing all the pictures of the gorges and stuff like that.
	And you guys are just having a blast.
	I would always feel like such a loser that I wasn't doing it or I wasn't some of those players.
	You just can't afford you.
	I don't know about that.
	There was a second where I could have gotten you and Schultz were the two like two kind of like white whales.
	It would have been me, you, Schultz, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Santino.
	Like it would just have been, it's such a fun group.
	Whitney, Nikki, it's such a fun.
	Big J, Dan Soder.
	It's so fun.
	And Schultz called me directly and he was like, I got your offer and I respectfully declined.
	But then his agent was like, you can't afford him.
	And I was like, okay, I get it.
	But you want your friends to blow up.
	It would have been cool, but it's like, you don't ever want someone to take a pay cut to come do something.
	Yeah.
	Or sometimes it's also just a time cut.
	It's like, since we've been podcasting, more just takes so much time.
	And then I have to do it here and Nashville.
	It's just like the back and forth.
	That's why I said this when we were in, I apologize, interrupt.
	And your own touring.
	So it's like, you have your own touring.
	It's like last year, I don't know.
	I maybe had two weekends where I did something for myself that I wanted to do that wasn't work, which is fine because I like working.
	I like working too.
	They say, do you have a hobby?
	And I go, like podcasts.
	And they're like, do you have a hobby?
	I go, I shoot content.
	Like, no, like a hobby.
	I go, I'm working on a movie.
	Yeah.
	And they're like, no, what do you do for fun?
	I go, like, collect rocks.
	I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
	Like, look at toads, take pictures of animals.
	Who the fuck does that?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	That's the thing.
	Sometimes people will be like, you got to get a hobby.
	And I'm like, well, some of my hobbies became work.
	And so they're still my hobbies.
	They're just more, it just, like, you're just super involved with them, I guess.
	I guess I could get a nice hobby.
	Like what?
	Like, think about like walking with a friend.
	Top 10 hobbies.
	Yeah.
	Walking with a friend is not a hobby.
	It isn't?
	Because immediately I go, why don't we turn it into a podcast?
	Here's the beautiful thing about podcasting.
	Okay.
	And so let's scrap, like ignore that podcasting is a business.
	When are me and you going to get a chance to sit down for an hour and just hang out and go, you know, you can't answer your phone, can't look at your phone.
	Let's just talk.
	For the rest of our lives, probably never till we're older.
	Or if you have something you want to promote, maybe we can do it over at my house.
	But it's like, it's kind of fucked up.
	I'll never get a chance to sit down with Kevin Nealon for an hour.
	I sat with him for an hour and 30 minutes.
	I got to ask him all the questions I ever wanted to ask.
	Danny Trejo, Travis Parker, you know, Jelly.
	It's like, I see Jelly.
	Jelly's a little different because I see him and I end up spending a lot of time with him.
	Yeah, he's somehow so accessible.
	He finds he's so accessible in a weird way.
	Yeah, but podcasting, I don't look at that as work.
	I look at his opportunity to hang out with my friends, you know, and get to know other people, other men.
	Oh, for sure.
	Yeah.
	And I think a lot of people maybe don't get as much time of that.
	And so that's why they listen to podcasts too.
	It's like, ooh.
	You know, a lot of people don't.
	I don't like what you said.
	Maybe they don't get as much time as that.
	So that's why they're listening more to podcasts.
	I think some of this why I listen, it's like, oh, I want to hear a conversation about this thing.
	And so that's what I'm going to listen to, or I want to hear about a conversation that's funny.
	Or I don't get to hang out with Tim Dylan and Rogan together.
	So you got to hear them.
	I never do.
	So it's fun when I listen to the two of them talk.
	They have smart brains in a different way than me.
	Like, I'll never think the way they think.
	No, they're the best.
	Dude.
	Tim Dylan is so original.
	It's unbelievable.
	He is my favorite gossip in the world.
	He had this bit about the other day on, it was a social reel, and it was like about the fires and how somebody hired private security to protect their private firemen to protect their ice cream shop or whatever.
	It's like, all these places are burning, but the fucking Maui peach sorbet was fucking saved or whatever.
	I thought you were doing your fingers the whole time as you were trying to make it fancy.
	The Maui peach sorbet.
	Yeah, I think if you're-like, you're selling fancy to me?
	Well, I think I was trying to think of something fancy and this helped me.
	Yeah, no, this little movement right here just like, hey, do you guys want to go to dinner?
	It's really nice.
	Hey, if I take my dick out, I think you're going to like it.
	I put sprinkles on it.
	That's like, who had that joke if you call something Mexican in front of it?
	It just makes it so much better, dude.
	No, oh, wait, that's not what I thought.
	Oh, really?
	Oh, you thought worked?
	I was at a restaurant.
	You know, the Mexican restaurant at the end of the Santa Monica beer?
	Yeah, yeah.
	And the lady comes up to me, my buddy Eddie, and she goes, would you guys like Mexican hot chocolates?
	And we're like, oh, no, thank you.
	What do you wrap us in a blanket, hold us down and shit in our mouths?
	No, thanks.
	I think we'll pass.
	Mexican hot chocolate sounds like a fucking...
	You're like, hold on.
	What are we doing here?
	Like, it's like the donkey show.
	Have you ever seen a donkey show?
	I never saw it.
	I don't want to get involved with that.
	I have a good relationship with outdoor animals.
	I don't want to get like that.
	Yeah, this is this clip right here.
	Oh, I love that he's.
	You can play from right there.
	It's fun.
	That little Palisades village.
	I'm glad it's still there.
	I am.
	I'm glad that guy brought in his own water and fucking was like, yeah, we're not losing.
	What's the fucking McConnell's?
	We're not losing that ice cream place.
	There's people burning alive in the street.
	He's like, yeah, we're not losing McConnell's.
	What are you nuts?
	It's a good ice cream.
	Sienna Barbara strawberries are great flavor.
	What are you nuts?
	What's that on the sushi place?
	Is it blue ribbon?
	It's good.
	Fuck yeah.
	The fucking...
	And then the firefighters show up.
	They're like, all right, who do we save?
	And you're like, what?
	Get the fuck in front of Blue Ribbon Sushi right now.
	You out there fucking mind you piece of shit.
	Who do we save?
	the tiger roll.
	That's a fucking...
	That's good.
	What impresses me about Tim is he can do his show by himself for fucking one hour.
	Yeah.
	Once a week.
	Have you ever tried that?
	For one hour every day?
	No, have you ever, no, once a week he does his show once a week.
	Yeah, I did that for years, I think, didn't I?
	Yeah, he was solo for the first couple years, just him talking.
	And then my brain, I ran out of anything.
	I don't even know.
	Now it's just like a fucking thoroughfare for other people's bullshit.
	It's like it used to be.
	I used to have some of my own ideas.
	Now it's just fucking nuts.
	You know what I think you used to have your own ideas?
	I always say to people, I always say to people, hey, wait, you were using drugs when we did that fraternity pilot?
	Let me think.
	Oh, remember that thing, dude?
	Yeah.
	I tried to buy it.
	That pilot?
	Yeah.
	Because I think Bunny Murray's collapsed, right?
	Yeah, I think, yeah, I don't know what happened.
	Yeah, but because the pilot was what?
	It was three guys were going back to college.
	It was kind of based on old school.
	I think it was called old school.
	Three guys were going back to college?
	Was that it?
	No, no, no, no, no.
	Me, you, and Brad Ernst were starting a fraternity.
	Starting a fraternity.
	For people out of college.
	Yeah.
	And man, we did not think that through.
	No.
	We just put it in fucking Craigslist, right?
	Yeah.
	Remember that one guy finally kissed that hook or whatever and his fucking glasses steamed up.
	Remember, Ernie?
	Remember that guy?
	Dude, a couple of those guys.
	Hold on.
	You're underselling.
	You're underselling what we did.
	Have we talked about this?
	Hold on.
	So it was, I'm just going to set the scene because this was the funniest pilot I've ever been a part of.
	Okay.
	Me, you, and Brett Ernst.
	Yeah.
	We were the hosts and executive producers.
	So if you don't remember that?
	I don't think I got that good of a deal, but let's keep going.
	I think it might have, if I'm not mistaken, I think I might have been the one that was like, because I had like headsets in and I was talking to producers and it was all our ideas.
	So we were like, all right, we're going to get these out, put it in Craigslist.
	We'll get a fucking party bus, put it in Craigslist.
	If we got anyone that applies, we'll take them.
	We did no fucking background checks.
	None.
	Do you remember that?
	Yeah, I remember.
	Remember that one guy showed up.
	PTSD.
	Oh, well, oh, yeah.
	He had PTSD and he'd wake up in the middle of the night and Maureen crawled around the fucking house to check the perimeter.
	All right, do you remember that guy?
	The little guy that didn't speak English threw up in the fucking in the garbage can and we couldn't get him out.
	Well that guy was a ninja, remember?
	He was a full-time ninja, he said.
	And we're like, where?
	He was a full-time fucking ninja.
	Yeah.
	And then there was the guy you championed and you were trying to get a laid.
	He made out with a chick.
	Dude, one dude cheated on his wife and he was like, I think I just ruined my life.
	And we're like, ah!
	And so, hold on.
	Hold on.
	This is the best is we wanted to throw a party for them, but we didn't know how to get chicks.
	So we just hired prostitutes.
	Yes.
	We hired real prostitutes, dude.
	And that one guy.
	Everyone was getting laid.
	But it was because we paid for them.
	Everyone was like, this is great.
	Do you remember our band?
	Do you remember the band?
	Uh-uh.
	Dio.
	Oh, was it a, was it that all-female band?
	With tape over their nipples and their pussies.
	Yeah, Harlow.
	Wasn't that their name?
	You remember their name?
	I think that was them.
	Google them.
	Harlow.
	They had Jack Daniels and pillows, and they created a pillow flight.
	Feathers went everywhere, and they'd spit Jack Daniels in our mouths.
	That's how the pilot opened.
	My name's Burt Chryser.
	Me and my two best friends are starting a fraternity.
	It's going to get wild.
	And the girl spit vodka in my mouth.
	And I was like, I'm married with two kids.
	Dude, that was, is that?
	No, that's not.
	I don't know if that was them.
	Harlow was a girl band.
	I thought.
	Oh, that's them.
	That's them.
	Yeah, dude.
	They were.
	Oh, they were fucking killer.
	They were hot, too, dude.
	I remember the executive producer came out to the pool.
	All the prostitutes are naked.
	They're all in the pool.
	I'm in the pool in pajamas.
	And everyone's, and the producer, one of the executive producers and goes, I can't use any of this.
	I remember the sound guy was like, hey, you want to hear something?
	I was like, what's that?
	And he grabs the headsets and he takes them off.
	He goes, put them on.
	I go, what is that?
	And he goes, someone's getting their dick sucked in the bathroom.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, dude.
	I hope it was me, dude.
	I'm trying to remember what happened.
	Were you using drugs at the time?
	I don't know.
	I hope I was.
	It sounds like it was a fucking blast, dude.
	I mean, that.
	I don't know if I needed drugs at the time.
	That sounds amazing.
	The guy broke the champagne bottle over the goat's head.
	Yeah, dude, yeah.
	I mean, we fucking beat up those lesbians.
	It was the fucking wildest show ever.
	One of them fucking asked for it, dude.
	Well, the big one asked for it, yes.
	The little one, sure.
	A victim.
	I'll say that.
	That was the greatest pilot I've ever been a part of.
	I forgot about that.
	That's when, I mean, like.
	Remember, we showed up at somebody at a place, we stole that fucking goat, put him on that bus, and he started shitting in the back of the bus.
	And the only person that would go back there and care for him was some like, he was like a third generation veterinarian or something, that one really white kid.
	Yeah.
	And people kept giving it beer and stuff.
	And we stole the wrong goat.
	We did?
	Yeah, we had an address that we were going to pull over, and we had already arranged to take their goat and give it back to them, like production-wise.
	So we pulled over to Piss.
	And the fucking Irish kid, do you remember the Irish kid?
	Is his name Killian?
	Oh, yeah.
	I think he was a comic.
	Killian?
	No, Killian is just the name of a beer.
	I thought that was his name.
	Seamus.
	Seamus?
	Seamus?
	It wasn't him.
	It was a fellow named Seamus.
	I think he probably passed.
	I don't know if he passed.
	A lot of those guys are dead.
	Seamus O'Farrell.
	Is that him?
	A lot of guys that were in that pilot died.
	Yeah.
	Because I was in this Facebook group with them.
	And like the big guy, or like the big guy, he passed.
	He had two kids.
	Oh, did he?
	Yeah, he was a fucking guy.
	He had two lunches, too.
	I remember that.
	He fucking, he did not make it that long.
	I was like, dude, you can't have two lunches.
	Because he would have lunch and then wait a little while and pretend like he hadn't had lunch.
	I remember.
	He's like, wait, are they serving?
	Yeah.
	We're like, yeah.
	Oh, what are they serving?
	Like, you just ate it.
	Yeah, dude.
	It was just that reverse.
	He would use reverse psychology with his own stomach or whatever.
	Come in, that was the funnest.
	Like, I always say, that was like, it's like, you know, when you, you know, when you discover someone, like when, like, I'm thinking of the best examples, like, Cam Patterson, right?
	Like, my wife's friends, their kids are in high school.
	They came to one of my shows and they're like, have you seen Cam Patterson?
	And at the time, I hadn't.
	And then I was like, no.
	And then I watched some of his clips and I discovered him and I was like, oh, he's funny.
	That moment, we all have it for comics.
	And I've heard for a very long time, watch people discover you when you, they go, dude, do you know Theo Vaughan?
	But I had to discover you too.
	Like, right.
	I got to find that you were funny too.
	Right.
	And I always say it was that fucking pilot where I just kept watching you just like, like everything you were saying was like so fucking funny.
	That and oh no, that and fucking reality bites back.
	I've always said that like that finale, Theo, you were the single funniest human being I'd ever been around in my life.
	Really?
	Oh my God.
	You were dropping dimes when we were all sitting in the bleachers.
	I was crying laughing.
	I don't have never laughed harder in my fucking life.
	Where I was like, this guy, everything you said was fucking hysterical.
	And you're in a room full of killers.
	Killers in there.
	Oh, killers.
	It was so much fun.
	Look at Schumer looking vibey right there.
	Do you remember when Donnell, we were in the car and Donnell said to Mo Mandel, because Mo is like, I love Mo.
	I love Moe.
	I'm not shitting on Mo.
	But Mo is younger than everyone.
	So he was like, trying.
	Oh, yeah.
	He was trying the whole time.
	It's that energy you do when you're young, too.
	You get put in a place you try to, yeah, you try.
	And he goes, Donnell's at the front of the van.
	He goes, Mo, has anyone ever told you you're funny?
	And Mo goes, of course.
	And he goes, name one person.
	And Mo goes, my mom.
	And we fell out of the fucking van.
	Donnell goes, your mom doesn't count, Mo.
	Your mom doesn't fucking count.
	Oh, God.
	Dude, oh, there's my boy right there.
	He just had his second child, I think.
	He's selling TV shows.
	He's doing great.
	Mo's a creative dude, man.
	He is a very creative dude.
	Look at Schumer.
	Holy shit.
	Yep.
	And I have a go T because if I don't, it looks like my real chin has balls.
	Look at how loud my voice is.
	Start laughing.
	It looks like I'm teabagging my shirt.
	My name's Theo Vaughn, and $50,000 would mean that I could get out of debt.
	Listen to our voices.
	He looks the most like an 80-year-old black man in their picture.
	Wow.
	Look at you, bird.
	Look at this wall.
	We've been throwing some across a fence.
	That's when we threw those Mexican cabbage patch kids.
	They dyed the Mexican because the Mexican ones have been discontinued or whatever.
	How do you say cabbage in Spanish?
	Cabaj.
	Cabaj, cabaj niños.
	So we had these fucking cabaj niños, right?
	And we're just like, you have to throw 50 of them over this fence.
	Like it was going to be hard for fucking adult men to do that, bro.
	We were humming those bitches over there.
	And remember, Chyna showed up?
	She was the wrestling woman.
	Oh, yeah.
	And she was all geeked up on pills or something.
	And she was supposed to, as they went over the fence, somebody was supposed to shoot them down with like a sort of a paintball gun or something.
	I was like, what are we doing?
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	Dude, my favorite one, I wish they had video of this.
	I wish I could find this video is we did so you think you could dive.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	And you said, everyone practiced diving all week and you're like, I'm good.
	I already know what I'm doing.
	And you got up to the, if I'm not mistaken, it was like the 10 meter or like the five meter.
	It was high as shit.
	I went up there in a wheelchair.
	I would like to present my ode to Amelia Earhart.
	And you sang to Amelia Earhart and you got, and you just had them push you off in a wheelchair.
	And you had not planned that once the front wheels went off, that you were going face first and you fucking landed on your stomach so hard, came up.
	That was the fucking, please tell me you have it.
	You have it?
	Oh, shut the fuck up.
	Do we really?
	Oh my God.
	Wow, look how young we were.
	Bert, look at you.
	Look at this.
	This is when all I did was hit on, I hit on Greg.
	Greg Luke Gainis the whole time.
	And then he got pissed because he found out I was married.
	Really?
	Yeah, you remember that's why he voted me off.
	He was like, you don't tease a man.
	I do remember driving away.
	This was in a long B term we're driving home that day.
	I'm like, I can't believe I drove you home.
	Almost smashed that dude.
	No, I drove you home.
	Do you remember that?
	That's right.
	Dude, I picked up everyone in the car and Schumer goes, I hope none of us get voted off.
	It's going to be an awkward ride home.
	And I got voted off and I drove home and I was like, it was quiet.
	I was like, so what are you guys doing tomorrow, do you think?
	And we're all going back to work.
	God, that was not.
	this.
	Dear Emilio, please Oh, my God.
	Be patient.
	We will come and find you soon.
	What the fuck?
	What octave is that?
	If I'm not mistaken, it was that kid Cameron pushing you off.
	That's that kid Cameron.
	Watch.
	Oh, fuck!
	Oh, that's good.
	Yeah.
	...with gravity.
	Tell us a little bit about the genesis of the idea...
	Check how jacked you are, dude.
	God, I was handsome.
	Well, Frank, there's a lot of ladies out there that are missing, and I just wanted to kind of put a tribute out to'em.
	Okay.
	We got to find them, bitches.
	You had the ladies, and I think you just lost them.
	Hang on.
	Do you have that whole episode?
	Yeah, I have the whole series.
	Okay, do me a favor.
	Wow.
	Go to me getting kicked off.
	Do you remember this?
	With Greg Luganis?
	Do you remember?
	Did a nude dance for him.
	Do you have that?
	And Greg Luganis is a famous homosexual swimmer.
	If I'm not mistaken, he's HIV positive.
	Is he?
	I think he was like the poster boy for HIV positiveness.
	Oh, wow.
	He's HIV positivity.
	I saw that baby suit.
	I swear to God, I just got rid of that baby suit.
	I told you.
	All right, go to the end when I get loaded off.
	What are you talking about?
	My wife never made a positive.
	I just hit on him.
	Okay, I'm just gonna go.
	Your butt is so wide to say that it's time for you to pack your trunks.
	Thanks so much.
	Now, hit pause for a second.
	This was the biggest regret of my life.
	Yeah.
	Like, sometimes you ever do a podcast and you're like, hey, can you guys take that out?
	I shouldn't have said.
	Oh, yeah.
	I know what you're talking about.
	Bobby.
	And so, like, now I did this and no one laughed.
	Yeah.
	No one laughed.
	Everyone saw it and it was wildly rolling the dice on it.
	And I was like, I'm not certain.
	And I went home and I got in bed with my wife that night and I didn't know how it was going to be edited.
	And I go, I might have just ruined my career.
	I might have destroyed my career.
	I might have made it because I was telling everyone I was on this fucking show with my daughter's preschool.
	I was like, they're going to watch this.
	That's insane to do that.
	Everyone was famous and I was trying to keep up with the Jonesies.
	I'm like, yeah, I'm on a TV show, whatever.
	Tit play.
	Have you seen this?
	Oh, my God.
	Biggest regret.
	Wow, bird.
	Were you fully naked?
	Yeah.
	fully naked.
	And does Michael prefer men or he prefers women?
	He's married.
	Michael, I think, was being like honest.
	Like, this is a bad idea.
	Another set of bad decisions in my life, Michael.
	This one might be the worst of all.
	They don't stop coming.
	Oh, my.
	No, you won't.
	Maybe part of you will, but not all.
	Oh, my God.
	That was incredible.
	Oh.
	Dude, I thought I ruined.
	I thought I ruined.
	Ruined my career.
	Ruined it.
	And what kind of pecker you got on you there?
	You can't really, they got it blurred out or whatever.
	Just so we can.
	Not big at all.
	Okay.
	I'm going to show you two right now, and it's probably the exact same size.
	Do you remember we took a bath with Lunel?
	Dude, yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	Me, you, Red Grant.
	Me, you, Red Grant, took a bath with Lunelle.
	He ran for mayor of Baltimore.
	Do you know that?
	Oh.
	Yeah.
	We'll tell this story.
	Yeah.
	Do you remember Lunelle had two bathing suits on?
	Did she really?
	And she took one off.
	And she goes, boys, wear your bathing suits.
	And then we took ours off.
	And then she got out of the bath and we were all naked.
	And she took our bathing suits.
	God.
	I don't remember that.
	I remember, I think Kyle's mom gave me, or somebody gave somebody, I don't remember what happened.
	Somebody came, one of us came or something.
	Kyle's mom.
	I remember that.
	Kyle's mom was a hired stripper.
	Yeah.
	Just we're clear, Kyle's real mom's dead.
	Kyle's real mom passed away?
	Yeah, that's why they got brought in the stripper.
	Oh, damn.
	Well, yeah.
	I remember meeting your mom, and I was like, oh, his mom looks like she could make dreamcatchers in northern in New Mexico.
	My mom looks like she fucking tells on black people that walk out of the store with all this shit from Rite Abe.
	Dude, that show is so wild.
	And it was like, bro, they paid us.
	It was pretty, it was fun.
	You got to be around other comedians.
	Tiffany Haddish was on there.
	Donnell Rawlings.
	Remember Javi, George?
	That one comedian left.
	He left the first day.
	Remember George?
	Yeah, Jeff Garcia.
	Jeff Garcia left.
	Don't do play that.
	I do not need to see that.
	Hang on.
	I actually, that makes, I have nightmares about that.
	You know, where you know you've done something and you're like, oh, ah, why did I do that?
	Oh, yeah.
	That fucking moment.
	Oh, that fucking makes my skin crawl.
	And this is when you made a promise to your mom in the dark or whatever they said.
	They said, you're going to bring you in.
	You're going to seduce somebody.
	And the more you turn them on, the better you win.
	And they brought it in and it was our moms.
	In the dark.
	In the dark.
	And I told her what I do to her, giving her oral sex.
	I think about that.
	Because I was honest.
	I was fucking honest, Theo.
	That's illegal, too, to do that to your mother.
	I think so.
	Theo did the Native American Warbler.
	I did?
	Let's make this plan hatch.
	Whoa, ma!
	Whoa.
	was scared, let me say.
	I love that.
	Seduction, the first thing you have to know is the Native American warbler.
	Serious panty dropper.
	Ha ha.
	Let's make this play in hatch.
	Whoa, ma.
	You were so good at this.
	You were so good at this.
	What was it a game?
	No, you were so good at the whole fucking game.
	Like, it got in my head, and I would get panicked, and I said I needed the money, and you were just fucking chill.
	I was probably on steroids, dude.
	You might have been.
	You look pretty jacked in this.
	I might have been on performance enhancing drugs.
	You ever taking steroids?
	Yeah, dude.
	You know, yeah, they just had a new decadence.
	A new steroid Olympics was coming up.
	That show was before its time.
	They should put the show back on the air if they didn't.
	I don't understand.
	After that, they fucked up, man.
	I could not agree more.
	They fucked up.
	And by the way, here's where they fucked up.
	This is where they fucked up.
	They should, we should buy that.
	Me, you, Donnell, people with a little money.
	We should buy that and then get all the raw and edit it the way we want to edit it because that is, we could do one season, we could do five seasons out of just outtakes.
	I mean, the shit we weren't allowed to say.
	Do you remember me, you and Red were in a pool with Amy Schumer?
	And she goes, what are we going to do now?
	And I was like, why don't we play Leaky Submarine?
	She goes, what's that?
	And I go, well, you're the Leaky Submarine and we got to plug up all your holes.
	And everyone's like, can't use that.
	And I was like, why?
	It's fucking funny.
	Like, dude, the outtakes we did just there.
	I'm telling you, that finale, you had, it was me, Chris Fairbanks, I think Schumer, Red Grant, and Donnell were in a cluster and we were crying, laughing at you for one hour straight.
	You were just, they would say something and you just honest Theo, like the person you are today was there that day and you were stream of consciousness and we were as my well, I've never laughed harder.
	Damn.
	That was so much fun.
	Look at me and Amy right there.
	And she had a boyfriend.
	I think she was in love with some guy.
	Yeah, I always thought you guys had sex.
	You know, I always thought we did.
	You know.
	But dude, speaking of what else were you talking about a second ago?
	I don't know.
	The steroid games?
	Oh, yeah.
	Did you see that Donald Trump Jr. or some group is starting steroid with the enhanced games?
	Donald Jr.
	President Donald Trump's eldest son, Donald Trump Jr. is the latest to invest in the enhanced games, which critics call the steroid Olympics.
	I'd invest.
	I mean, listen, steroids are extremely popular in bodybuilding.
	And bodybuilding's pretty fun.
	You ever seen natural bodybuilding?
	The answer is no.
	That's a good point.
	You're like, okay, it's pretty fucking boring.
	You look at real bodybuilding and you're like, yeah, get.
	That's what I want to fucking look at.
	Get on that fucking gas, dude.
	Oh, I remember doing that fucking shit, boy.
	What did you take?
	Oh, I took DECA.
	I took DECA.
	Yeah, DECA.
	Windstraw?
	I think, I don't know if I ever got some Windstraw.
	I got whatever I could get a hold of.
	Test 200.
	Really?
	Yeah, Test 200, Tess 400.
	There was some, I think somebody, we would go on spring break, we'd go get it, but people would always sneak it back in like shampoo bottles.
	They would buy a bunch.
	They always about pork in shampoo bottles.
	So it had like this fucking kind of like soapy, soapy aftertaste.
	Like you'd be doing curls, but then you'd like belch a soap bubble or whatever.
	Like it was, it was really, like every time you like, like if you lifted up your arms, it was when you'd sweat, it would just be soapy.
	It would smell like lavender or whatever.
	Like it was a real hybrid at the time, a hybrid type of chemical we were using.
	And that was one thing that was tough about it, but it was fun using storage because, and I shouldn't say that, I mean, it was definitely also had side effects that weren't going to be.
	No, don't buy anyway.
	Everyone makes their own fucking choices in life.
	Look, I'm on testosterone out the fucking gills right now.
	Are you shitting me?
	Dude, I fucking love it.
	I jerk off every morning.
	I jerk off every, if I don't have sex with my wife, my dick's hard and I'm turned on every fucking morning when I wake up.
	Thinking about my wife, but if she's not there, like today I jerked off.
	She was at the gym working out and I was like, or at her trainer or whatever.
	And I was like, I'm going to jerk off.
	Dude, it's awesome.
	I feel alive.
	I'm stronger than I've ever been in my entire life.
	I'm healthier than I've ever been.
	I do my liver numbers.
	That's all, every damage I've ever done to my liver is all repaired because testosterone is reparative to liver cells.
	Yes.
	It's fucking awesome.
	Well, are you, I mean, are you still fat or whatever then?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Obese, morbid.
	Okay.
	I'm morbidly obese.
	Okay.
	I just want to make sure you're still, you know, sticking with this.
	I only work out.
	I only work out so I can party.
	That's it.
	The only reason I work out is so tonight, if I want to, my wife says, yo, let's open a bottle of rosé.
	I go, fuck yeah.
	Cause I know I was in the gym this morning, hardy shit.
	I'm going to be in the gym tomorrow, hard as shit.
	You look great.
	I feel, feel, I feel phenomenal.
	I mean, I really feel phenomenal.
	And I will tell you that I felt good when I wasn't on testosterone, but testosterone is just giving me like a zest for life.
	I think, I mean, the downfalls is like my face is redder sometimes.
	So like I have to get hair and makeup.
	Like my face can get pretty red, but I think.
	From the testosterone?
	I think so.
	That's what someone told me.
	Well, don't you lose hair, though?
	That'd be my concern.
	No.
	I mean, I don't know.
	I was going to get hair transplants.
	Leanne doesn't want me to.
	Really?
	I've gotten it before.
	What?
	Yeah, a couple years ago I got In the back?
	I had so much stress In the back?
	That my hair got like thin.
	Yeah, it's good, man.
	It's clean.
	Did you go to Turkey?
	No, no.
	I went to...
	I did it right off of the off of La Cienega, 50 La Cienega.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	A good doctor, though.
	Yeah, pretty decent.
	They take it out of the back and they just put it in the front.
	It's like just reforestation or whatever.
	You know, whenever they like take the plants.
	That's not me, Jesus Christ.
	Your hair, you've always had the thickest colour.
	Look at this picture.
	That does kind of look like you a little bit.
	Oh, no.
	That's me, but that's not my head as of crazy.
	Oh, wait, that is you.
	Yeah, but it's not my head.
	I never looked like this.
	I thought it was they shaved it or something.
	It's my bad.
	What?
	That's so funny, dude.
	That's crazy.
	Dude, with AI now, it's like anything is possible.
	What the fuck, dude?
	That looks wild.
	Well, this is not a before and after.
	That's the thing.
	Internet, make that a before and after.
	Just Theodes Bonds hair transplants.
	Because, by the way, if it's not real, it doesn't bother you.
	And it's fucking hysterical.
	If you type in Burt Kreiser fat, all the pictures have been doctored.
	And they don't bother me because they're not real.
	The real ones bother me.
	Oh, yeah.
	real ones?
	Well, this is...
	This is really me.
	This is after I got my hair transplant, they put all this, they inject all this stuff in your head, but it starts to come down your face.
	It's like pain reducers or whatever.
	So at some point, you look like- Holy shit.
	Dude, I look like I fucking did a lot of cocaine.
	Could you do pills, pain pills?
	Oh, I don't know if you could take Ibuprofo.
	I think there was something you take.
	Could you take like pain pills?
	Yeah, they give you two pain pills right when you go in there.
	And then they lay you down and you can watch different television shows.
	My place, it was a lot of Indian entertainment that they had in there.
	So it was like the shows were Bollywood type.
	I want to do that.
	Dude, there's one.
	Type in Bollywood motorcycle motorcycle dance.
	So for a promo, I wanted to recreate this.
	So I was going to fly to Bollywood and do my promo in Bollywood.
	Dude, money goes pretty far in Bollywood.
	So I could pay like $10,000 to get a full fucking production.
	Bollywood motorcycle dance.
	That's it.
	I bet that's it.
	Bollywood music video.
	Guy comes off a motorcycle.
	These are awesome, dude.
	And I was like, I'll learn the dance.
	I'll get all the people.
	I got to find the, never mind.
	Fucking internet.
	But look at this.
	This probably costs $40.
	Just look at these dances.
	They're so beautiful.
	It's a whole movie.
	I don't know why we don't have more of that.
	I guess they tried it in Joker, and it didn't work.
	Well, they have a lot more joy of like, I love this.
	I bet I could do this dance pretty easy.
	Well, they all, this is a lot of people, these people end up working at Disney World, I think.
	They have a Bollywood, Bolly Disney, Bollywood Disney.
	Yeah, do they have a Disney relay in India?
	They have to, huh?
	No.
	I went out to dinner with a couple, and they're good.
	And they go, did you, Leon and I just went to Paris?
	And they're like, oh, did you go to Disney, Paris?
	And I was like, no.
	And they're like, why not?
	And I was like, so fucking grown up.
	And they're like, oh, we went.
	It's so awesome.
	And I went, I don't know if I could be friends with you.
	Instead of going to the real Paris, you mean?
	No, no, no, no, no, no.
	They went to Paris and then went to Disney in Paris.
	As opposed to just being in Paris?
	They went to Disney in Paris.
	Like, why go all the way there?
	Why just the same fucking Disney?
	Go to Orlando.
	Save some fucking money.
	Stay here.
	Stay here.
	Go to fucking Disney for the day.
	They went to fucking Paris and then went to Disney World and saw Mickey Mouse.
	Who, by the way, just as Mickey Mouse is the same fucking Mickey Mouse.
	They're like, it was amazing.
	Can you imagine?
	No, I can't imagine.
	But then sometimes, actually, I went to China one time or somewhere and I had to get McDonald's because that's fine.
	That's totally fine.
	That's like, hey, man, this is my culture.
	I want to see how you represent my culture.
	Yeah.
	But going to see Mickey.
	You go to fucking Australia and go to Outback Steakhouse.
	Come on, what the fuck are we talking about?
	God damn it.
	Yeah, I don't, I listen.
	When I travel, I like to do, I like to, I like to, I don't want to get up and crack it on and do a ton of shit.
	I want to sleep in.
	I want to wake up.
	I want to go to the cafe, have a coffee, walk around, have some lunch, maybe some snails, couple beers, keep walking around.
	And then at a certain hour, I go, let's start bar hopping around the city.
	That's the fun way to do it.
	And then a nice big dinner, close it out at like two in the morning.
	No, you can sleep in the next day.
	Wake up, go for a jog.
	That's what I'm talking about.
	You will not find me at fucking Paris Disney.
	Damn.
	You heard it right there, Disney.
	You heard it.
	Don't even come after him.
	Do you, oh, I want to talk about that stairway to Olympics a little bit.
	Go back to it because I'm just curious about this.
	This is going to be fucking awesome, dude.
	Well, I'm just intrigued.
	I think we're going to start seeing more.
	I've long wanted to do a game show of like stereotypes versus each other, right?
	Like there's like family feud.
	It's like the Ronsons versus the Hamiltons, right?
	But I want to see like the gays versus the Yiddish or whatever, you know?
	Like, I want to see like dark blacks versus Bakers.
	Wait, can I soft pitch you more ideas within the same context?
	Yeah.
	What if, right, you don't know what the other team you're playing against is?
	And in playing the game, you got to guess what they are.
	So like all their answers are one way.
	So you're like, where's the best place to vacation?
	And you hear a bunch of people go, the team you're playing against said Jamaica.
	Yeah.
	And then the other one's like, Boom and Ham.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And so then, and then the whole goal is to play the game and try to answer your questions as honest as possible, but try to guess who the other people are.
	Okay, never mind.
	Bad pitch, because you could just lie and misdirect people.
	Keep going.
	But maybe that's part of, there could be a strategy in there that that's how you do it.
	But I would love to see the stereotype games.
	I think that that's where we're definitely headed to like asshole kids, like ADHD kids versus whatever, you know?
	No, that would probably.
	We got to take that one out.
	ADH kids versus autistic kids.
	Yes.
	That would be great, dude.
	And autistic kids don't need to talk.
	They do mental telepathy.
	They don't talk anymore.
	They just.
	Just saw a documentary on that.
	Google it.
	And you put the two of them against each other.
	That'd be fucking great.
	But I think there's a lot of like kids suffering from smallpox versus fat kids or whatever.
	What about this game show?
	You fuck what you get.
	Okay.
	That's the name of the pitch.
	So a guy goes up, okay?
	Like we bring up Theo Vaughn.
	And you have a room full of 100 women.
	And you guys, guys, ladies, on your, by your chair, you'll see a little panel.
	On a scale of one to 10, rate Theo Vaughn.
	You present yourself.
	My name's Theo.
	I grew up in Louisiana.
	I'm a stand-up comedian.
	I have a podcast.
	I've gone tour.
	I'm interested in that.
	Born in March.
	Yeah, give me your sign.
	My birthday comes out the day after your special does.
	I like to.
	For real.
	March 19th.
	For real?
	You said March 18th it is?
	Yeah, yeah.
	March 18th.
	Nice.
	March 19th.
	And then you go, ladies, rate him on what you think.
	And so they go, Theo Vaughn is an eight.
	And you go, cool.
	Now, Theo has already pre-rated every single one of you.
	So look back at your panel and see what number you are.
	And they look and they're like, shit, I'm a six.
	He goes, everyone below an eight, get the fuck out.
	So it just thins out the herd.
	And you're like, all right, you are what Theo is willing to fuck.
	Now, Theo, this is the group of eights that think they're your equal.
	You can either fuck one of the eights or you can go for a 10. And if you, if you pick the 10, you've got to go to Paris Disney.
	That's your vacation.
	You got to go to Paris Disney.
	But if you pick the eight, we're going to send you to Bali and you're going to be on the beach all week.
	You can fuck a 10, the fucking hottest out of your league.
	You can't get her.
	By number standards, you can't get her.
	And then you take the two of them on the date and you pick who they are.
	What do you think?
	What do you think?
	I just like the idea of raiding people.
	I'd go with an eight to Bali.
	I'd go with an eight to Bali too.
	I did it with a six to Bali.
	Did you really?
	I would.
	Well, my wife, but I don't know.
	She's like more like a six and a half.
	Is she?
	I think so.
	I think she's getting prettier the older she gets.
	You know what?
	I thought that the other day.
	I didn't think like that.
	I just thought, oh, Leanne looks so pretty.
	That's what I'm saying.
	You know what?
	Can I do a secret time?
	Yeah.
	One of my favorite things in the world.
	I don't know if you did it on purpose or I don't know how it came out, but I've said it a number of times.
	She did her live podcast out of Zane's and you came by to say hi and support her.
	Oh, yeah.
	And she called me bawling crying.
	She goes, you know, she goes, I was so nervous and I was so, you know, I feel like I'm in a different space and I'm doing my podcast and it, you know, and she goes, baby.
	I had to leave in the middle and go to do a show in Cincinnati or something.
	She called crying.
	She goes, Theo came.
	I went, what?
	She goes, Theo came.
	She goes, that's why I love the people you've surrounded yourself because they're real people.
	She goes, Theo Vaughn came out to show me love and give me support.
	And I was, I got emotional telling it because I was like, I was like, that's what you want.
	You want to surround yourself with people that care about you.
	And it's just not about a business.
	Yeah, and I but thank you for doing that.
	That was the sweetest thing you could have ever done.
	Yeah, I forgot that I did that, but I did do that.
	Yeah, of course you did.
	That's who you are.
	Sometimes you forget things you found.
	That's it.
	That's it.
	You found it.
	God, you're good.
	Can I hire your team?
	Sure.
	It only took them 11 minutes.
	Look at this.
	Look at this.
	Yeah, Theo.
	Promo video for my new tour coming, right?
	Do this in Bollywood.
	Watch this guy.
	Watch this guy.
	He's good, Theo.
	Oh, my God.
	Look at this.
	Turkish hairlines, huh?
	Look at this.
	Look at this, Theo.
	How great is this?
	so good God, I would have been the best Indian.
	Your hair, that wind blowing in your hair?
	And I think just my attitude, I would have had a good time over there.
	You think so?
	Yeah.
	Theo, you would have never left your caste system.
	Are you going to AI Theo's face in it?
	I was going to do you, but.
	Do me, do me, do me, do me, do me.
	Yeah, please do.
	Hey, wait.
	Think about this.
	This looks like AI, this isn't AI.
	You would have never left your...
	I would have found a way out.
	You can't.
	That's India.
	I would have found a way.
	That's our movie, dude, Cast Travelers or something, or Cast.
	Timecasters.
	Timecasters.
	You know, I like to save money.
	I do.
	I like to make money and I like to keep it and put it somewhere safe.
	I don't like taking a ton of risks.
	I don't like a lot of uncertainty.
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	Before we used Shopify, it was bonkers.
	It was bonkers.
	We had that old register system where you were filling it all out and giving it to your niece to run to the mailbox and she didn't know how to use stamps and ah, it was a nightmare.
	But now we've got Shopify that helps our merch store run smoothly.
	You can upgrade your business and get the same checkout we use with Shopify.
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	Go to shopify.com slash T-H-E-O to upgrade your selling today.
	Shopify.com slash Theo.
	What does the future hold for your business?
	Well, if you ask nine experts, you'll get 10 answers.
	Bull market, bear market, raccoon market.
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	Are you going to do more movies?
	Did you like it?
	We're making our movie right now.
	You just made it.
	Well, we've got still five days left.
	Oh, for real?
	Yeah.
	I didn't know that.
	I don't know.
	We'll see.
	I am happy that we did it.
	Can I ask you an honest question?
	Yeah, 100%, man.
	This is why I don't do, I shouldn't say this out loud, but this is why I only do my projects.
	Because I notice that I have, for lack of a better word, bad interior thoughts when I'm not in control.
	Yeah.
	And I don't, I'm not good at it.
	So like I did something for someone one time and the whole time I just, in my head, I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life.
	I'm wasting my life.
	I'm in fucking makeup and no one's treating me with respect and I'm fucking and I was like, I'm just sitting in the goddamn trailer waiting for some 18 year old to come and tell me it's time and I can't walk around.
	And I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life.
	And a friend of mine said, just give me a heads up.
	Notice this in yourself and do and get, don't allow yourself in that situation.
	She'll get a bad rap.
	It's what they're saying happened with that chick and that dude is that they didn't.
	She lively or whatever?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
	But I'm Team Blake Lively.
	I like her, I think.
	Yeah, I don't even know what happened.
	It just seemed like rich people being fucking rich or whatever.
	But, like, but did you, in doing it, did you, because I know how internal you are and I know how pensive you are.
	Did you, were there parts of it where you're like, okay, if I do this again, I'm not doing that?
	Oh, for sure.
	I think there's some of that I'm still learning.
	Yeah, like there's just like certain like ways to like do the script differently to like certain have less scripts.
	We'd have more time to shoot certain scenes.
	Like that's one thing.
	It's like we just kind of run out of time, you know?
	So it's like we can't, you know, so you know, you can only get so much coverages or whatever.
	What else?
	I don't know if I would ever do the acting again.
	I would like to do the producing or writing, but I do, yeah, I only like to, I'm the same, I just only want to do things that I am in control of, right?
	Because for me, it's just I don't want somebody else to have control of how I look or seem.
	I don't want somebody else to have a say.
	I don't want anybody to have any ownership over my voice.
	That's it for me.
	It's like when I was a kid, I felt like I didn't have, I couldn't speak up for myself or something like that.
	I don't know what it is, but internally somewhere in there, that's what it is for me.
	So it's like, I don't want to have to say anybody else's lunch.
	I just want to do what I want to do.
	And if I live or die on that, then that's fine, but at least it's just me, you know?
	Do you ever run into the situation where you get hired for something?
	They want you to come in and do something.
	And then they're like, try to like script it for you a little bit?
	Like my example is like, they'll be like, you're going to take your shirt off, right?
	And I was like, I don't know.
	Maybe.
	I mean, I don't know.
	It's fucking 10 degrees out here.
	And they're like, okay, but it's coming off though, right?
	It's like maybe you just come in and rip your shirt off and be like, kill a beer.
	And I'm like, I also talk.
	Yeah.
	But it's like, it's sometimes you get, especially if you get a little big, you get kind of typecast as, you know, as a producer, they go like, so you'll just, like, they did it today and we're like, he'll just come in like a hurricane, like with his hands going up like this.
	And he'd be like, ah.
	But there was no, did they, do you find that happening to you ever?
	No, I don't do anything.
	I only do our own stuff.
	Like, I don't ever do anything that I don't, I don't ever do anything else except for like our own things.
	So me and Spade wrote that movie.
	I knew that he's a great actor, one of the funniest guys I know.
	So he would be able to carry it.
	I'm like the second guy who like is kind of, we're just, it's like a dumb buddy movie.
	And so I never put myself in a position where somebody have to be like, you have to do something like this, you know?
	Because goes back to your reason, I learned I don't do well in that situation.
	Like, you know, I tried to do a, Chris Pratt had asked me to be in a movie years ago and I had to leave once I got there because once I found, they didn't give you the script till you got there.
	And so once I got the script and stuff, I realized, oh, this isn't, it just doesn't fit for me.
	It doesn't work with who I want to be.
	How hard is that to do?
	To leave?
	Yeah.
	Oh, it definitely was hard.
	It was a hard, like, you know, text to send.
	I sent it all in caps so they would know I was serious about it or whatever.
	But yeah, it was fucking.
	Wait, what?
	Yeah, that a good one.
	Did the movie come out?
	Huh?
	What movie was it?
	Yeah, Tomorrow War.
	Remember that movie, Tomorrow War?
	No.
	And when I watched it back, I ended up realizing I made the best choice for myself.
	It took 12 weeks.
	Wait, with Tom Cruise?
	Dude, that's damn Chris Pratt, brother.
	That's Chris Pratt.
	The Tomorrow War.
	What was that about?
	It's about people that went in the past.
	I can't even remember.
	It was kind of confusing.
	But it was great.
	It was fun.
	I'm glad that I got to do it.
	Sorry, I'm glad I didn't get to do it.
	Jesus.
	But I saw Chris.
	Who ended up playing you?
	Just someone.
	They just moved the lines over to some other guy.
	Oh, they didn't like it.
	I tried to get Josh Wolfe in it, I remember as a substitute, but they just moved the lines over to a different character.
	But when I watched it back, the guy had two lines.
	And I would have better be there for 12 weeks.
	It just wasn't a good fit, right?
	The first movie I ever had, a friend did, Tom did a movie with Mark Wahlberg.
	No, Mark Wahlberg.
	Yeah.
	And he was there for like five weeks.
	And I was like, I was like, oh, cool.
	So you're in a lot of scenes.
	He's like, I'm in like two scenes.
	I was like, you're there for five fucking weeks.
	He's like, yeah, that's part of making a movie.
	I was like, well, I'm guessing I'm not making a movie.
	And then I was like, I'm not going to fucking sit in a hotel for five weeks.
	You got to be kidding me.
	I like.
	Yeah, that was the thing.
	It was a long time.
	It was in Atlanta.
	And also, I didn't know anybody on the set except for Mary Lynn Reiska was there.
	And I'd met only Chris Pratt just through Instagram messages.
	So I'd never met him.
	Yeah.
	So that's an easy text send then.
	Yeah, it was chill.
	And I actually did call the director, too.
	And I called him and just shared how I thought.
	And they were cool about it.
	But then there was like a thing like in Hollywood, like this guy might back out of your movie or something.
	I was like, I don't fucking care, dude.
	Like long as I was cool with Chris and everything was fine, it was fine with me.
	But that's when I realized, oh, I can't do something if it's not my own thing.
	And I'm not going to be able to say, oh, we're keeping that or we're not keeping that or I don't want to be seen like that or this sort of thing.
	Then I just can't do that for me.
	It's just how I work, you know?
	When I got back from Serbia, someone had written a part in a TV show for me and they texted me like, yo, I wrote a part for you.
	And I was like, oh, I'm not going to do it.
	He's like, we haven't even read it.
	And I was like, I know that, but it's not my show.
	He's like, but hold on.
	Hang on.
	I wrote it for you.
	And I went, okay, I don't know what to tell you.
	But I can just tell you that if I go onto your show, I'm going to have feelings and I'm probably not going to be great.
	And I'm going to be in a fucking different city for my family.
	And I just got back from Serbia and I kind of want to go on tour and I kind of want to do my podcast.
	And I kind of want to, like, I don't want to go onto another set and then play a, you know, fat guy that fucking want to eat snorts coke or whatever.
	And so he was like, and I was like, and I'm friends with you.
	And right now it seems we're friends.
	Right.
	So let's just keep the friendship and then we don't have to work together.
	Yeah.
	It's funny because it's like, if I was younger, I would have been totally opposite.
	I would have been like, yeah, yeah, you're my friend.
	Write a part for me.
	And now I'm just like, no, please don't write a part for me.
	Yeah, I think it's, I'm trying to think a little bit more about it.
	I mean, this was like, I just remember thinking, because we wrote it and then nobody wanted to direct it.
	Nobody wanted to help us with it.
	No agent, no producers.
	Are you kidding?
	For anyone listening, that's how tough Hollywood is right now.
	Right now, they are not making movies.
	No one's going to be able to do it.
	I think they just didn't.
	And also, like, they don't want, I don't know if they don't want certain people to have voices.
	It seemed easier for other people to make movies, right?
	I'll say that.
	But also, wait, wait, I know what you're saying.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It seemed easier for other people to make movies.
	But you mean, you mean two cisgendered white privileged males had a hard time selling a movie in Hollywood.
	But that's the funniest fucking thing.
	Because there is semi-truth to that, but also we have had opportunities our entire life.
	But also, it's like you talk to any fucking writer, any writer in Hollywood who's like 50, a dude who's white, they cannot get a job.
	Like they cannot work.
	And they lose.
	And these are all liberals.
	Like, you got to realize a Hollywood liberal writer, man, he's fucking storming the Capitol about those goddamn scripts.
	That's crazy.
	It's crazy.
	I talked to any of them.
	They were all like fucking, dude, whatever's happening in Hollywood.
	I was like, you've had a good run.
	Yeah, I think, well, I just then it was like, well, we have to do.
	It was like, I don't like thinking that if you say I can't do it, there's a part of me that wants to just show you that I can do it.
	Right.
	Like, I don't, I'm not a great actor, right?
	I know that, and that's fine with me.
	I wouldn't say that.
	Well, I wouldn't say that.
	Because it's not real.
	I have some moments that are good in this thing.
	But the fucking therapy movie are awesome.
	That's sweet of you.
	It was easier for me to play like a disgruntled person kind of than I think like a dumb buddy kind of thing for some reason.
	I felt like that.
	But then also I'm like going back and looking at the things and I'm like thinking of what else needs to be in the scene.
	Like my mind's kind of like all over the place.
	But I do think that it's funny.
	The script is super funny.
	I'm curious to see how it was shot, how that plays out and stuff.
	So, and I'm just glad that I think when I look back on my life, you know, I'll be glad that I got to do a movie with David Spade.
	And it's like, yeah, we funded it ourselves.
	We funded it ourselves.
	We did like, we did it all.
	It's like, it was crazy.
	It's wild to me because you guys are, I mean, David is a legend.
	David's alleged.
	David Spade is like, I always think.
	He's a legend.
	When you look at like SNL, right?
	Did you watch 50 years?
	Yeah, I was there.
	You were there?
	No, I was there for the 50th.
	I was there Friday and Saturday night.
	Okay.
	But when you watch it, it's pretty epic.
	And I will say SNL's 50th is a lot better if you're 50 because you watched a lot of it.
	If you're 20 years old, you're like, I don't get why these racists are.
	Yeah, like, where's Timothy Chalamet?
	Yeah, where's Timothy Chalamet?
	How come Pete Davidson is not more sketches?
	Where's fucking, you know.
	Chaperone, yeah.
	Chaperone.
	But when you watch it and you're older, you're like, oh, I remember Eddie Murphy.
	Eddie Murphy and Will Ferrell and Kenan Thompson were fucking gold.
	Eddie Murphy doing, uh, uh, Did you see that?
	I saw the skit with Eddie Murphy and Tracy Morgan.
	Black Jeopardy, you mean?
	Yeah.
	Where Eddie Murphy was playing Tracy Morgan next to Tracy Morgan.
	It was so.
	Maybe I didn't pick up that that's what it was.
	Oh, did you see it?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I saw this right here.
	Yeah.
	Did you see the name Tracy underneath it?
	Oh, oh, now I get it.
	What did you say?
	I didn't know what he was doing.
	I just thought he was doing Tracy Chapman or whatever.
	No, it wasn't Tracy Chapman.
	This was my favorite sketch ever.
	We can't play it because it'll do that.
	It was great.
	What was I saying?
	But David Spade is like, when you look at, so when you look at comedy history, right?
	Yeah.
	When they talk about comedy history, now it's kind of interesting, I think, because you look back at the last 50 years.
	Yeah.
	And there's only like a handful of names, but legends that like Belzer, he'll be remembered.
	Richard Belzer?
	Yeah.
	And Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor, Sam Kinnison, Carl LeBove will be remembered.
	He was one of the outlaws of comedy.
	And then when you look at our generation, we're so thick with comics.
	Like so thick.
	There's so many fucking comics right now that a lot of us are going to get forgotten and lost in conversation.
	David Spade will not be lost in conversation.
	Out of all the SNL people, he has had one of the most probably fucking crystal clear, pristine, hysterical.
	His movies will fucking forever be talked about.
	Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Meat Joe Dirt, the fucking all, he's a legend.
	And to make a movie with him is like, that's the coolest thing you're ever going to get to do.
	Yeah, that's what I felt like.
	I was like, I just have to do it.
	And we made it ourselves.
	It's like we made it.
	It's like we don't have anybody telling us what to do.
	And that's what I realized.
	I was like, oh, if we say it went in the script and it went in the script and it went on the screen, if I had to go through a beat on a set to go ask somebody for permission to do it that way, then I wouldn't be able to do it.
	Right.
	I just, I wouldn't, like you're saying, I just know it would not react well with me viscerally.
	If someone's like, Theo, I don't get it.
	You'd be like, hold on.
	Hang on.
	I hit dingers.
	Like, like what I do is just tell jokes and I'm just funny.
	So trust me that if I think it's funny, let me just try.
	And then a lot of people will be like, I don't know.
	Yeah, I couldn't have, especially like when you see a lot of the funny, like, but also, I got to see how this thing is, how it looks when it's done.
	Like, I have no fucking clue.
	The script is super funny.
	We put all our own jokes in it.
	wrote it for two years.
	Like, we definitely...
	You know, how it, like, that I cannot, my brain can't metric or like figure all that out.
	Like, but we had some funny, yeah, like Nate Diaz has a role.
	I saw Nate posted about it today.
	Tim Dylan has a, plays the manager.
	Bobby Lee.
	Bobby Lee came in and did a guest.
	Patronson.
	Yep.
	We got William McCullough.
	William Montgomery.
	Montgomery.
	Casey Rocket, some of the Kill Tony guys.
	And there's some others, some other also great actors and stuff.
	But then we also didn't want to overdo it and have everybody you knew.
	There's Spadey right there and Nate Diaz, dude.
	Fucking hilarious.
	That's a picture I saw.
	Oh, yeah.
	That was cool, dude.
	That was so much fun.
	And I think I'll look back and be like, man, this thing was cost you a ton of money and it wasn't worth it.
	But man, you had a fucking good time.
	I think I'll.
	When I did The Machine, the very first night I was like, I'm not going to drink.
	There's Chris Avela right there.
	That's Nate's buddy.
	But it's, I mean, it's a real movie.
	Like, when you're there, you're like, damn, this is a real movie.
	Yeah.
	And I have one thing I got on set was Ice Bath and Sauna.
	Really?
	There's a portable company, and they have Ice Bath and Sauna, and they bring it and they set it up right there.
	For real?
	And that was like the one thing, because I knew I wasn't going to be able to go to a ton of AA meetings.
	So I was like, I'm going to have to have something to like hijack my system to like help me so I don't, you know, pew, pew, pew, pew, you know, or something like that.
	When was the last time you shot a place up?
	Never.
	But it's like, you don't want to get there in front of a bunch of people, you know, especially around your friends.
	When was the last time you fell off the wagon?
	Oh, man.
	What's it like when you like the morning after?
	Is it like shameful or do you go like, like, is it, because that's the only reason I never quit drinking is I don't want to fucking, I don't want to relapse.
	Like that, like, honestly, my biggest problem with when I quit drinking is getting back to drinking is so difficult because you, you're doing so well and you're like, I'm feel good.
	I'm losing weight.
	I feel fucking happy.
	Like, well, I don't want to drink.
	And then you're like, yeah, but I'm on a cruise and it's champagne.
	And then the next morning, it's just like, the fuck, you, you let everyone down.
	Although no one's let down because I never quit drinking.
	Right.
	So like, but like, I see that pressure of letting everybody down.
	That's why, that's my pressure is why I'm terrified to quit drinking.
	You're afraid to quit drinking because you don't want to, because then if you relapse and you'll have let everybody down.
	Yeah.
	God, that's crazy, dude.
	I thought you were going to say it was brilliant.
	No, it's like the same way.
	Like you ever see, you ever see someone that loses weight, right?
	Yeah.
	And they're like, I lost like 90 pounds.
	You're like, cool.
	And then they gain it back plus some.
	And you're like, oh, you should have never tried to lose weight.
	You should have just stayed that fat.
	That fat was good for you.
	Well, you see people losing weight and suddenly it feels like the person that's been inside them is finally coming out to play or whatever.
	You start to see that coming to the surface, like a fish coming to the surface, you know?
	Sometimes.
	Sometimes you see that.
	Sometimes people lose weight and they're like, and you're like, I like just fat.
	Oh, yeah.
	I knew a guy like that.
	He used to clean the pool over at my friend's house.
	And one time I was there catching some rays and he shows up and I hadn't seen him in forever and he'd lost 170 pounds or something.
	This dude comes in and he's walking around the pool and I'm like, and he kind of looking at me, but he didn't say anything because I knew the fat pool guy.
	Yeah.
	I knew him well.
	So you're looking for the fat pool guy?
	I had no idea this is like, maybe this is his brother or his son, or maybe they got a new guy.
	I didn't say anything to the dude.
	So we're out there around each other for like 45 minutes, didn't say anything.
	And then later that evening, I was like, man, you guys got a new pool guy.
	And they're like, no, that's the same guy he lost 190 pounds.
	I was like, fuck.
	Isn't that crazy?
	You can change because when you lose weight, you kind of change your personality.
	Oh, yeah.
	Like when you, because there's a narcissism.
	And by the way, I take what I'm with a grain of salt.
	There's a narcissism about a person who decides weight loss is going to be their thing.
	I'm going to get real skinny.
	I want to get ripped.
	Like, it's okay to get healthy.
	But like when you go like, and look, if you're 400 pounds, that's not narcissism.
	That's just getting yourself to the next level.
	But you can change your personality when you lose weight.
	What if you could do something?
	You could change your race?
	Like, what if you like, they're like, dude, if you start eating blueberries, you'll be black.
	Wouldn't that be cool?
	Yeah.
	Just to be like, oh, you're eating a lot of blueberries?
	Like, I'm going to be black.
	Like, yeah, we got a game on Thursday.
	Like, I'm going to polish off a few before I go into practice.
	That's how I'm going to do.
	If blackberries really made you black.
	Yeah.
	You're eating a lot of matzah.
	You're like, taxes are due in April.
	Yeah, it is.
	You know how it is.
	Fuck.
	Yeah, trying to say, yeah, gotta cut some corner.
	What's up with the burritos?
	You're like, oh, my yard's a fucking mess.
	I gotta fucking clean that shit up.
	Jesus.
	Yeah, somebody's gotta do it.
	What's up with the tuna fish sandwiches?
	Just trying to improve my credit.
	That's all.
	Just want to get my good credit score.
	God damn it.
	Whoa, what's up with eating pussy?
	And you're like, oh, that's just for fun.
	What's up with the hot bugs?
	Don't blame anything.
	Dude, what about being the first gay dude ever?
	It must have been crazy.
	Imagine everybody's straight, right?
	And you wake up or something happens, you get hit by lightning or whatever.
	And suddenly you're gay and you're like, oh my God, like you're just talking to your buddy who you've talked to every day for years.
	And you're just like thinking, like, I'm going to stuff his fucking face with some wiener.
	And you're like, what?
	And then you like, don't like, imagine that.
	Because then you have to take some other guy aside or somebody aside and be like, hey, this is going to seem totally crazy to you guys.
	But I keep thinking about coming on Jacob or whatever, you know?
	And people are like, yeah, that does sound crazy to me.
	Don't tell anyone that.
	Don't tell anyone that.
	You're the only one that thinks that.
	Yeah.
	And then imagine the moment where you meet the other gay guy.
	You're like, were you, were you like, I remember I had a buddy one time, we were at a beach and he was like, hey man, can I say something crazy to you that I've never really said to anyone, but I want to run it by you and see if you think it.
	Oh, I say no and people say that kind of shit.
	I fucking.
	Oh, I said yes.
	I said, yeah.
	We were drinking.
	We were smoking weed.
	I was like, run it by me.
	He goes, there's a thing that everyone says they don't do that I do.
	And I was like, please be jerking off.
	Please be jerking off.
	Please be jerking off.
	I go, okay.
	And he's like, everyone says that if you do it, you're gay, but I do it and I'm not gay.
	And I just wanted to like run it by you and see if you do it.
	And I said, okay.
	What's the thing?
	And he goes, I jerk off and I had the weight of the world come off my shoulders.
	I went, I jerk off too.
	I jerk off too.
	Oh my God.
	I thought I was the only one that jerked off.
	I thought I was gay because I jerked off because that's what they tell you at Catholic school.
	You don't jerk off, don't touch yourself.
	It means you're gay.
	You want to play with dicks.
	That was what must be being gay and meeting another gay for the first time feels like where you're like, oh my God, I want to suck dick too.
	Oh, God.
	But how do you let them know?
	Do you just be like, I would love to see that.
	I would love.
	I would love to see.
	Two gays in the wild or whatever meeting.
	Like a Richard Attenborough movie where they're like, okay, we have at that lunch table two gay men.
	The Memphis homosexuals.
	Yeah.
	And then you can watch them kind of feel each other out.
	Yeah.
	Perusing the whole foods produce Section.
	What I think is fascinating is the gay dudes who hook up with the gay football player who then is like, you can't tell me I'm gay.
	I'm going to beat your fucking ass.
	And you're like, okay.
	You know?
	Yeah.
	Like, that's like.
	Yeah.
	Like, why do I get my ass beat just because you're being gay or whatever?
	It doesn't make any sense.
	I wish I could find out.
	Wouldn't it be cool if like on Instagram, I guess you could, but you could find out every gay dude you ever knew growing up and apologize to him or whatever?
	No, no, I don't need to apologize just to know who they are.
	Oh, yeah, to see who they are.
	Yeah, dude.
	I think in the future, you'll be able to know immediately if somebody's gay.
	My buddy's dad used to get, he'd get like the hiccups if people were gay.
	Isn't that crazy?
	Yeah, like allergic to gay people?
	No, he would just have like a, he would just like, he'd be, and he'd be like, and he, he'd be.
	Like an allergy?
	Yeah.
	Like all of a sudden if a gay person got too close to him, he'd go, and you're like, uh-oh.
	You're like, I hope it's not me.
	Someone get him a glass of water quick.
	Count the 10 while you're drinking.
	10 sips.
	Yeah, stand on your head.
	Stand on your head.
	Quick, quick, quick, quick.
	Either that or you're getting the fuck out of here.
	Stand on your head or somebody's gay, dude.
	It's just so crazy that being gay was always like the funniest thing, though, too, to people.
	Like, you know.
	Yeah.
	It still is funny, I think.
	Oh, yeah.
	I mean, it's like, it's so different.
	I mean, I'm certain gay guys make fun of straight guys.
	I'm sure they do about the way we think.
	And they're like, oh, yeah, I want all that pussy.
	Oh, my God.
	They want the pussy.
	Yeah, they want that long pussy, that wiener.
	I mean, everything, everything, like you ever seen white people make fun of, or black people make fun of white people's texts?
	Uh-uh.
	Oh, good.
	It's so good.
	But like the idea that they can't understand the way we communicate, that black people just can't wrap their head around the way we simply communicate on a text.
	And they think it's crazy.
	They're like, shut up.
	Hold on.
	There was a text, H-O-S-B.
	And they were like, what do you think?
	It's a black dude reading it.
	He speaks white.
	And he goes, they go, and his wife, girlfriend's like, what is H-S-H-S-O-O-B?
	What would that mean?
	And he goes, oh, I know what it means.
	It's hold on one damn second, buddy.
	And everyone's, and they're like, what?
	They put buddy on the end of it?
	And he's like, oh, yeah.
	And but like they find that funny.
	So like everything, everything you can find, everything funny.
	Like I, like, I still think, like, like, I put my dick and balls in a wine glass one time.
	And I went up to behind Tom and I went.
	A actual glass, wine glass?
	Yeah, oh, that's very dangerous.
	Yeah.
	And I went up to him behind his shoulder.
	Oh, yeah.
	And I went, cocktail?
	And he turned around.
	I find that to be the funniest thing you could ever do.
	Yeah.
	I love it.
	I love it.
	I love.
	I used to do this thing where I would pull my nuts up over my wiener, right?
	That's not where I thought you were going with that.
	You're kind of laying on your back, nuts up over your wiener, kind of wrap your wiener.
	So it almost looks like a half, like a baby head coming out of your body, right?
	And you'd be like, I'm having a baby or whatever, you know?
	Yeah.
	And then people would be like, what the fuck are you doing?
	You'd have to fucking kind of run off and hide or whatever.
	Wait, what the fuck are you doing?
	We're in the library.
	What the fuck?
	Oh, dude, there was nothing more crazy than being at the fucking library when you were a kid.
	It was basically just like, it was like a couple thousand square feet of you hiding from a lady who's like obsessed with Voltaire or whatever.
	And you and your friends were just in there being loud.
	There was like one other person in a wheelchair in there.
	It like never made any fucking sense.
	They're just in there like in the, they're just like wandering the halls of the old internet or whatever.
	Like they wanted to teach us the Dewey Decimal system so bad when we were kids.
	The library was always ridiculous, I felt like.
	What was I going to ask you about?
	Oh, so yeah, the yeah, I wonder if people would watch the stairway to Olympics or if it would be too much for people.
	Why not?
	Because you're going to get people that are going to be risky.
	No, but why even have the regular Olympics?
	Well, regular Olympics are regular.
	You know, everybody, the playing field is even.
	Playing field's even when you use drugs.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	I mean, I mean, honestly, like, if you're like, okay, what are you going to watch?
	I want to watch high jump.
	A guy can high jump seven feet.
	And you're like, that's cool.
	They're like, there's a dude who needed 10 feet.
	You're like, what do you mean?
	Like, over a basketball hoop?
	Like, yeah, 10 feet.
	It's like fucking crazy.
	And they light it on fire.
	And you're like, oh, what put that one on?
	It's like, I mean, it's just like supply and demand.
	What do you want to watch?
	You know, a guy sprint.
	Like, sprinting is pretty cool, right?
	The sprinters are pretty cool.
	Noah Lyle, Tyreek Hill.
	I want to watch that head to head.
	But what if they bring in a guy that's like, oh, he fucking smokes those guys?
	And you get to see a real blur of a human, just like a cheetah.
	And you're like, whoa.
	I mean, physical capabilities.
	When you see people, it's like the natural bodybuilding versus steroid.
	Why would you ever put the two together?
	I want to see the big ones.
	But I just worry about their ramification.
	Like if somebody's, but I guess if they want to do it, but you're going to blow your body out.
	How great was baseball when Mark McGuire and Sammy Sos were?
	How great was baseball?
	To your point.
	It was so fucking great.
	And then they ruined it by taking steroids away.
	And these guys weren't, I mean, look, I don't know what they were doing.
	I don't remember.
	They were doing steroids.
	Yeah, but I think it was all for recovery.
	I mean, this wasn't like they were like, I don't think they were doing deck.
	I think they were doing TRT.
	If I'm not mistaken, I don't remember.
	I don't really know.
	But they were pretty jacked.
	They weren't something their heads were growing.
	That's the thing.
	Your head is?
	I have a size 8 head, and now my head, size 8 hats are growing.
	Because of the TRT?
	I guess.
	I don't know.
	Well, that's the thing, dude.
	It's like if you start getting on the drugs, then like you're going to have a lot of forehead monsters out there just wandering around, you know, just fucking...
	Like you're going to have shit like just, it's just going to get pretty intense.
	Somebody throw the javelin out of them in the fucking parking lot or whatever.
	And hit that guy that works in their booth.
	HCH.
	Okay, that's what I'm doing.
	Human growth hormones are crazy when you show up and their hands are bigger and shit and they're fucking, they can catch a fish.
	They can just easily catch a fish and shit.
	They don't even, yeah, before and after pictures of Darry Bonds is fucking insane.
	Oh, yeah, brother.
	Look at him.
	Look at him.
	Yeah, it's like you're not even, it's like, but your skeleton and stuff grows.
	That's the thing, dude.
	Or what if then they had they had like the fasting games?
	It's like people that haven't eaten in months or whatever, and they have to play, they have to do the Olympics.
	And it's just like the going up two stairs or whatever.
	I pitched it for UFC or getting out of a blanket fully, but you haven't eaten in like months, and you're just so you have no energy.
	I like that.
	I want to eat more ASMR type of game.
	I challenged Israel Adisanya to a, as a joke, but just was like, I would love to fight him, but we both got to drink 12 beers first.
	And Izzy was like, I talked to Izzy about it and he was like, I'm not going to lie, it'll be an interesting fight because he's like, I'm not a big drinker, so I'd be fucking wasted.
	And I was like, 12 beers doesn't do anything to me.
	Like, what if you put Shane Gillis and like Izzy's a perfect example because he doesn't drink, but Shane Gillis is going to drink 12 beers and not feel a thing.
	Yeah.
	Oh, I think it'd be, I think Izzy would beat the ever-living shit out of both of you guys.
	To be honest, first of all.
	Yeah, I think so.
	He's fucking great at it.
	Because it's really just taking both of you guys, which your current levels, giving you each 12 beers.
	Just giving us 12 beers.
	We haven't increased our level at all.
	We're trying to diminish his, but even after 12 beers, he still is a professional fucking fighter.
	Yeah, so that's a part that I'd be risque at.
	He came to my New Zealand show, and I had said it a couple of times on Two Bears, and I wanted to do it.
	And he came up, and they're like, I get a text.
	They're like, yo, Izzy wants to come to your show.
	And I was like, okay, but I've said some joking wild shit.
	Like I said about everyone, I do it to everyone.
	I did it to Connor.
	I just like guys I know have sense of humor, the Cage Fighters.
	I love those guys.
	Michael Chandler, all those guys.
	Michael Bisming, they're funny fucking guys.
	Oh, yeah, most of those guys are.
	Most of them.
	There's a couple that aren't, but I just don't think they get comedy.
	But I don't mention those guys.
	Sugar Sean, fucking great, dude.
	He is fucking awesome.
	He has the best sense of humor.
	Dude, Connor, hysterical.
	Nate Diaz, fucking love Nate, Nick, all of them.
	But I was like, I don't know if Izzy's got a sense of humor.
	And then everyone's like, he does.
	He does.
	He does.
	And they're like, I get a text, you want to come to my, can I come to your show?
	I was like, yeah, of course.
	DM or something.
	So I get him tickets and he comes back and he's with like all his buddies and comes over and he's like, hey, the machine.
	And he grabs me and he holds me by the neck real tight and he real quick brings his knee to my stomach.
	He goes, you still want to fucking fight me?
	And I went, no?
	And he goes, ah, just kidding around.
	I was like, oh my God, I would have been fucking destroyed.
	This man is so fucking strong and so quick and just bigger.
	Yeah, I think they'll just gif wrap you.
	Like they work at the mall at that place where you get the nice wrapping or whatever.
	He'll fucking tie you up with his feet.
	That'd be crazy if he gif wrapped you with his own feet.
	Do you?
	You guys have a 5k coming up, I saw.
	Oh, yeah, two bears, 5k.
	Are you going to run?
	Run, run?
	I'm not going to run this year.
	Why not?
	I just can't do it.
	Why?
	I just don't think I could do it.
	He could.
	I don't know.
	Theo.
	And Jelly Rolls on it, though.
	Dude, I saw Jelly Roll.
	Is Tom on a Zimpic, do you think?
	Is Tom on a Zimpic?
	I don't know.
	Huh?
	No, he just works out really hard.
	Oh, he looks so thin here.
	No, that's not him.
	Those are different bodies.
	But he is very thin.
	Right now, he's like 186 pounds.
	Oh, my God.
	Yeah, he's really thin.
	He works out really hard and he watches everything he eats.
	Wow.
	So he's really locked in on that.
	He's really locked in.
	I saw Jelly Roll two nights ago.
	The healthiest I've seen him look.
	Jelly is down 130 pounds and he looks fucking great.
	And the thing about this is, you know, we just did this as a lark.
	They look happy.
	You look immensely fucking scared of getting some results back.
	Yeah, I don't know why they picked that picture for me.
	But anyway, we did this as a lark on two bears.
	Me and Tom said, well, just do a 5K because I've always run.
	I ran the LA Marathon.
	I've run half marathons, Tough Mutters, Spartan Races.
	I've done all of them.
	I enjoy the event.
	The event for me is fun.
	5K is so digestible.
	I just ran Travis Barker's in New Orleans over the Super Bowl.
	And I said, you know, Tom, let's do a 5K.
	And I've always had stupid ideas, like big 10-pole stupid ideas that never pan out.
	And Tom's like, yeah, let's do it.
	We called a bunch of celebrities on our comics, just friends on the show.
	Everyone committed.
	Barely any of them showed up.
	But Jellyroll heard it.
	And he went on Elk Boys podcast.
	And he was like, I think I need to get in shape.
	And by the way, type in Jelly Roll on Busting with the Bears.
	You forget how big he was.
	And so he said, I'm going to commit to Burt and Tom's Two Bears 5K.
	And I'm doing my first 5K.
	And he started training.
	And I get FaceTimes from him.
	He's like, I hate this.
	Is this get any better?
	I was like, it doesn't.
	It takes a while before it starts getting better.
	And he did, came out, like, good to his word, came out to LA, did the 5K with me.
	I wore a 50-pound weight vest.
	Look at how big he was.
	He did how big he was.
	He looks so, man.
	I saw him the other night.
	I literally grabbed his face and I was like, oh my.
	He looks great.
	Dude, look at it.
	By the way, look at fucking Taylor.
	Look how big Taylor looks.
	Taylor's so lean now.
	Somebody said he's modeling or something.
	It's crazy that his wife married that and then now she gets that.
	She gets like a really skinny, good-looking dude who looks like he listens to Blink 182.
	All the small things.
	Look at him.
	He said he got all the small things tattooed right above his cock, too.
	That's what I heard.
	So Jelly came out for the Two Bears 5K last year, and we did it.
	And I wore 50-pound weight faster.
	He did it last year?
	He did it last year.
	He did it last year.
	He lost like 70 pounds.
	People magazine did a big write-up on him.
	He really kind of eventized the event because I think Jelly was just starting to really, really pop.
	And everyone's like, good for him.
	And then people were like, I can do that.
	Like, Kid Rock called him in the middle of the race.
	Like, dude, I'm proud of you.
	And we walked it, me, his wife, Bunny, and my wife, Leanne, and him.
	We walked the whole thing.
	And then as we crossed the line, he was crying.
	Bunny was crying.
	Leanne was crying.
	You know I was crying.
	And Jelly's like, you might have, Bunny said to me, you might have saved his life from whatever this stupid idea was.
	And so from that moment, he's like, yo, we're doing this again this year.
	So we're doing it in Tampa, May 4th at Raymond James Stadium.
	And I mean, I'm telling you right now, it's going to be such a big fucking event.
	Like it is.
	Y'all are doing it at Raymond James Stadium.
	We're doing it in the stadium and then we're partying on the field after.
	We've got fucking polar plunges, saunas.
	We've got a rope climb.
	We've got.
	And people are coming out and doing it with y'all.
	People are doing the 5K.
	I'm going to do it.
	I think I'm doing it three times.
	So I'm going to run the first heat.
	I'm going to run the second heat.
	And then I'm going to run the third heat with Jelly and Bunny and Leanne.
	And how far is it?
	Seven miles?
	No, it's three miles.
	It's so doable.
	Oh, it is?
	You could do it.
	Oh, I could do it.
	Yeah, I know.
	I could do it.
	Well, here's what happened to me.
	I broke my toe like probably three weeks ago.
	So I'm dealing with that right now.
	Big toe?
	Second from the right, the one next to the little piggy or whatever.
	And – Right foot.
	Second from the right, the little next to the little piggy.
	Yeah.
	I broke it, dude.
	And so it's been miserable.
	So I haven't been able to, there's so many things I've been able to do.
	What do you do for working out?
	I do a lot of yoga right now, and then I'll just do like circuit training, but like find like four exercises, do four reps of them, you know, and do that four times.
	And then I'll do like three blocks of those.
	Yeah.
	But this past three weeks has been miserable.
	Dude, it's unbelievable.
	I was like, you got to be kidding me.
	You can't hardly do anything.
	I can't even push off into a good hug with anybody.
	People are like, you can't even fucking hug or whatever, you pussy or whatever, you hug pussy.
	I dropped a whiskey bottle on my three toe, my big toe, the toe next to it and the toe next to that, and I shattered them.
	And I was like, what do I do?
	And they're like, nothing.
	I just had to wait and wait.
	It was my big toe.
	I was barefoot for three months.
	It was, it was so, it was, it happened December.
	It happened January 1st.
	January 1st.
	So it's been a month and now they're fine.
	They're fine already?
	Yeah.
	Testosterone.
	Testosterone.
	Testosterone helps, huh?
	Oh, so reparative.
	Fuck am I doing?
	What are you doing?
	I'm just afraid I'll lose my hair.
	You're not going to lose your hair.
	You can always give so much fucking hair.
	Can I have some?
	No.
	I would love some of your hair.
	Here's what happens.
	People say you're not going to lose your hair, and then you fucking...
	No.
	Yeah, motherfucker, I did.
	God damn it.
	Is that, wait, can I see the new hair?
	Huh?
	Is that new hair?
	You can't really see it.
	They just kind of put it in there.
	And I think my hair that I lost because of stress actually grew back.
	I think I just had so much stress.
	You look like you have a ton of hair right now.
	That I was shedding.
	What's crazy is that your top hair goes gray before your side hairs.
	So then it'll be perfectly peppered.
	Hmm.
	Somebody save me.
	You had also my favorite musician right now, one of anyway, Stephen Wilson Jr. was on your podcast.
	Great to see you.
	Every bones and tethered.
	You want to change my name?
	Got to drain my blood.
	Everything I have is everything he wants.
	He's the best, dude.
	He is really great.
	I'm a song.
	I'm a song.
	I know you love that one.
	I've listened to that one a couple of times.
	It's not my favorite.
	Are you serious?
	I've listened to it because I know you like it.
	I've listened to it.
	It's just, and I know how much you love it.
	I love it, dude.
	Because it's so beautiful that it, I remember the song I lost my virginity to.
	I remember the song I got my first car to.
	I remember the song that Leanne and I fell in love to.
	I remember the songs for me.
	Like, I get very emotional listening to music.
	I mean, every one of these episodes, I'm like, yo, don't put the camera on me.
	I'm crying.
	And did you hear what happened when I did it with him?
	He goes to start playing and he starts playing on a song.
	And he goes, and he had to stop.
	He goes, Bert, can you please not cry like that?
	Like, I cried out loud.
	But man, music for me is so emotional.
	Red Clay Strays came over to my house and played.
	And I was like, I was like, shut the fuck up.
	Dude, Goose is one of my favorite bands in the world.
	No, my best friend Scott loves them, but I haven't listened to him that much.
	I've had very, very, I've been very blessed with the opportunities of having these, this band is so fucking great.
	But I've been very blessed to have all these guys and girls come over and play music for me because I just, I love music.
	And I think sometimes like, I'm good at a podcast, like if I'm talking to you, because I don't know, but sometimes with like younger comics, I'm not the best because I don't like, I don't know, I'm not great, you know?
	But with musicians, I'm so much, I'm so fascinated by their process and who they are.
	And I don't know anything about them.
	And you get to kind of deep dive them.
	And then, and then, and, and you've had some great fucking musicians on.
	I mean, I saw Billy Strings live the other night.
	Oh, yeah.
	Dude, Billy Strings?
	He took me fishing one day, too.
	He's such a special.
	For real?
	Yeah, he's just the most, he's so normal.
	He's he's so not a celebrity, or you know, he's just a normal guy.
	Do you think you're not a celebrity?
	I think I don't like the celebrity part of it.
	I don't see a lot of value in it.
	But like, you get a lot of access to cool shit.
	It's a mirage.
	Yeah.
	Like, that's the only thing I see that you like about celebrity is, and I wouldn't say that you like it, but I noticed that you travel and go see the events you want to see.
	Like, you get to go do everything.
	Like, I look at yours.
	I'm like, you're at UFC, you're at fucking Jelly Roll Show, you're at Kid Rock Show, you're at, you're, like, at the fucking Republican National Committee or whatever the thing, the inauguration.
	Like, I look at that and I go, that only comes with celebrity.
	Yeah.
	You don't get that if you're just talented.
	You got to be famous and talented.
	And so I think I see you leveraging that in the best way so that you're filling your interests.
	I think I saw you with Caitlin Clark.
	Oh, yeah.
	And I was like, that only comes with celebrity.
	And so.
	Well, I'm a fan of hers.
	I'm friends with her boyfriend.
	Really?
	Connor, yeah.
	Connor Clark?
	No, Connor.
	It'd be crazy.
	That'd be illegal, it sounds like.
	Connor McCaffrey.
	Is she dating Christian McCaffrey's brother?
	No, I don't think they're related.
	But we went up to watch Caitlin, me and Caleb, and then that's how we met Connor.
	You interviewed Jesse Murphy?
	Jesse Murph.
	Jesse Murph?
	Yeah, she's the best.
	That's the little girl that sings cigarette card with Jelly Roll.
	Oh, wild ones.
	Wild ones.
	45 on them.
	Always smoking something Ain't worried about nothing And he ain't got nothing to lose I got everything for the wild Wild Wild Wild I texted, I DM'd her one time.
	I was like, I was like, I was like, I should not love this song as much as I love it.
	What did you think of the Super Bowl halftime show?
	The Super Bowl halftime show, I tweeted about it that I thought it was boring, right?
	And I only know, like, I'm not a big Kendrick listener, right?
	And then a couple days ago, I ended up taking down my tweet.
	Actually, I just felt like, well, I guess I felt like, why am I judging this?
	I don't fucking know.
	You know what I'm saying?
	I think sometimes you forget that people are going to make a big, could make a big deal out if you tweet something that you can't just say like fucking whatever you want without some people having like reactions to it, maybe.
	Well, dude, I mean, I think, I think it, I'm sure you've had gotten negative feedback in your life and you just go, well, that wasn't my intent.
	And then if you ever talk to that person, they're like, oh, I didn't know you were going to see it.
	And you're like, like, if Kendrick might be a big fan of yours and he sees it, and then he's like, oh, fuck, the other guy.
	I know that sucks, right?
	Yeah.
	Right.
	I thought about that.
	But then I also, no, I just thought about like, why am I, I think like two days later, I was like, why am I, why am I judging this guy?
	And then people are going to judge me.
	Like, what kind of energy am I really creating?
	I don't think that's what I thought when I was tweeting.
	And I was just like, oh, this is fucking, you know, I just, it didn't feel like it was for me.
	I don't know.
	I didn't know enough of his songs.
	I think that was the, I mean, there's, I think there was a bunch of issues.
	I think number one is his catalog, his catalog's very big in the culture.
	And in white culture, I don't think there's enough crossover.
	He's only have like two crossover songs.
	I think he played both of them.
	But like, I'll tell you, being there, I was sitting next to Jameis Winston when it happened.
	And man, we loved it.
	It was really fun in the stadium.
	Maybe on TV it didn't translate, but it was really fun in the stadium.
	The interesting person's take was Kid Rock's take.
	Did you hear his?
	He was like, because, you know, Kid Rock's, you know.
	I remember he shot those Pepsis up when that fellow was drinking them gay Pepsis or whatever.
	He's got...
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Bud Light.
	Oh, Bud Light.
	I'm sorry.
	But his take was he did this for the culture.
	Like, Kid Rock's take was pretty insightful because Kid Rock grew up loving in hip-hop, in hip-hop.
	And so his take was really kind of insightful.
	He's like, yeah, we did this for the culture.
	He did this as representation of like everyone on stage is black.
	It was all about inside what they listened to.
	I mean, Kendra's a fucking legend, dude.
	Here are my take, okay?
	It's fucking New Orleans.
	Like, kind of, like, why not celebrate Boozy, Wayne, Master P?
	Like, why not the way they did LA?
	Right.
	And it doesn't have to be black.
	You know, I mean, I'm sure there's Harry Connix Jr. sang at the beginning.
	There's a lot of talent that isn't.
	But New Orleans is like a black music town.
	Jazz, hip-hop.
	I put Juvie.
	Oh, it would have been sick.
	But then somebody, I thought that too.
	Somebody brought to my attention, but most of the people in New Orleans aren't at the game, probably.
	It's a lot of people from out of town.
	So then it's like, yeah, it's interesting.
	Do you celebrate the city?
	What is the real goal of whoever they put out there?
	Or why they put certain stars?
	But then also, then I thought, well, also, a lot of the athletes are black.
	They may all, Kendrick might be one of their favorites just because I haven't listened to a lot of Kendrick except for the mainstream stuff.
	Doesn't mean I don't, you know, that I wouldn't like it.
	I don't know.
	I guess I probably wanted something more that a basic white guy would jelly roll, Bruno Mars.
	Bruno Mars is, there's no one, there's no performer better than Bruno Mars.
	His shows, top to goddamn bottom, are the most entertaining shows with so many songs you recognize.
	It is, that guy is so talented.
	Justin Timberlake, I'm worth my money.
	New kids on the block.
	Bring them back.
	I would be a cool Super Bowl show.
	Maybe if they'd have done like some music over the years, but I think sometimes you just, you don't, you forget that just because you do, like if it wasn't me tweeting, nobody would have probably shared it or given a fuck.
	Yeah.
	And I don't mean that in a way, like an ego way, like, but sometimes you're just tweeting shit, just thinking like, this is what I think.
	Nobody's going to care.
	I said out loud, it should have been Lil Wayne and Juby and everyone.
	And then we were at doing, I did a show at the Super Bowl with Nikki Tony and Shane.
	And I didn't even see my critique come back at me.
	But someone goes, why didn't you have Theo and Mark here?
	And I was like, huh?
	And they're like, this is their hometown.
	They should have performed here.
	And I went, oh, fuck.
	I was like, I didn't even think.
	I didn't even think.
	You guys asked me to come to it.
	I think we did.
	We actually did.
	I just couldn't.
	We did.
	I couldn't go home for the Super Bowl because I was had to do that movie.
	God damn it.
	That's right.
	I did that.
	I wanted to go.
	I didn't ask Mormon too.
	Fuck that guy.
	Yeah, fuck that guy.
	I mean, there's always something that's going to make you feel some type of way, I guess.
	And then it's like, I don't know.
	I mean, but then I was like, why do I fucking care?
	Like, and who needs to hear my opinion?
	So, I'm going to interrupt you because here's what I'd love to know.
	Did you get any pushback when you went to the Republican National or the Republican inauguration?
	Yeah.
	For real.
	Yeah, I did get pushback about it, which I didn't really understand.
	Like, I would go, if anybody invited me to go to the inauguration, dude, like people on the street where I grew up, they're not, nobody's ever going to the inauguration.
	Nobody from my fucking street, my neighborhood is ever going to the inauguration, probably ever.
	They're not, some of these people cannot legally vote anymore.
	So the simple fact that I got to go, right?
	Bobby Kennedy is a friend of mine.
	Bobby Kennedy's a sweet dude.
	People are like, you're not, I'm going to support my fucking friend.
	I don't care if they're, if I have a friend that went to jail, for even something serious, I would still go and, you know, maybe speak on their behalf sometimes or take them bread or whatever, you know, like I'm going to be supportive.
	So, yeah, some of that shit, but I would never hold it against somebody if they went to an inauguration.
	So then I got to start thinking, well, that's just odd of that person.
	Some of that's on them, you know?
	Like, I've even had friends that I've texted and they'll be like, oh, it's didn't know you were so MAGA or whatever.
	And it was like, I've never ever in my life thought of myself as MAGA, you know?
	I've never thought of you as, I've never thought of you as political.
	I've thought of you as just a person interested in living life.
	Like that's, I mean, that's my perspective.
	Like, I didn't, honestly, when you went to the inauguration, I was like, oh, that's fucking dope.
	That's fucking crazy.
	Like, I would go in a heart.
	I'd go in a fucking heartbeat.
	I went to, I went to George Bush's, when I was a kid, I went to George Bush's State of the Union.
	I went to Bill Clinton's State of the Union and George Bush's State of the Union.
	No one ever called me on it.
	Like, I was 18, 20, whatever, 16, 18, whatever the fuck it is.
	Yeah.
	I went to both.
	I went to the State of the Union.
	Like, every time we got a president, my uncle could get me in.
	Wow.
	And I, and I just think it's a crazy, wild thing to see democracy working.
	And like, if I got invited to an inauguration or a, I mean, I got invited to the Republican National Convention, but it was as an influencer.
	And I was like, I'm not going to.
	Yeah, I wouldn't.
	I think I got invited as that too.
	I wouldn't go to, I wouldn't do something like that.
	I'm not going to go like, go, like, I'm going to get you fans.
	Right.
	But like, if you invite me and I don't have to do shit and I can hang out, I fucking go.
	I thought it was cool as shit.
	Yeah, I wouldn't go to support like one party.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Like, if somebody, like, I got asked to do some Republican stuff like that, I wouldn't go do that, you know?
	And we just got lucky with that to come on our podcast was Vance and Trump.
	Everybody got asked.
	Everybody was emailing with us, but they didn't want to come.
	Like, there's nothing I can do about that.
	And then you expect that I'm not going to go kind of be supportive of the fact that they even came and they came.
	Yeah.
	Fuck, at least they fucking gave a fuck to come.
	Do you?
	Now, I think Trump, like what they're doing with Gaza and him coming in and speaking on that is one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard of in my life, kind of, you know?
	That's how little I know about politics.
	But so it's like, yeah, I don't know.
	That shit was kind of crazy to me.
	But then you got to realize, like, all you could, like, I just have to just be myself, man.
	And I don't even know who that is sometimes.
	And so I'm still learning about who that is, you know?
	Well, you should, well, I mean, this is why I'm saying this to hear it, right?
	Yeah.
	I'm saying this to hear it.
	But what you have to realize is the people that love you love you.
	And then fuck everyone else.
	That's the truth is I'm trying to get to that.
	The people that love you love you and fuck everyone else because you can't fucking help someone that doesn't like you.
	That person that sends that text has been waiting to send that text in one manner or another.
	They're bothered by everything good happening in your life because it's a reflection of their shortcomings and they're like, didn't know you were so MAGA.
	And you're like, go fuck yourself.
	Go fuck yourself.
	Yeah, if you ever think you could, I would never let anybody even put a pin in me that described me as one part of one group anyway.
	I will never be part of one group.
	I wouldn't even do that to myself.
	This is who I am.
	I'm vegan.
	They don't even have the fucking group that I am, you know?
	Hey, buddy, they do not have the group you are.
	And I think they don't have the group that a lot of us are.
	They don't have that.
	It's more complex than just being like, you're this or that, you know?
	Yeah.
	If they said we had a fucking 30K struggling alcoholic guy who's in therapy with his wife, you know what I'm saying?
	Who loves a fucking good brisket and Johnson brat, you know what I'm saying?
	And cares about his kids a ton.
	Where's that group?
	My group doesn't exist.
	My group, I love when they want to put me in my group and go, hey, man, you have a problem with your drinking.
	And I go, I'm doing pretty good.
	It's a good point, dude.
	Anybody that says you have a problem, you're doing pretty good.
	There's always guys in the system or whatever it's called.
	And they're like, hey, man, you know you have a drinking problem.
	I go, okay.
	I had a guy tell me, I won't say his name, but I'll tell you after.
	He goes, just because you think you make a ton of money and you're on an arena tour and you have three successful podcasts and you're happily married and your kids are good, you think that doesn't mean you have a problem?
	I went, no, I think that's exactly what that means.
	I think that means that like, I got fucking feelers around me.
	And if something goes sideways, they tell me.
	But like right now, we're doing pretty solid.
	So like, I go, I, I said it on a podcast a long time ago and I got a lot of heat from people in the system.
	And they were like, I said, I said, sometimes I think the problem is the person and it's not the booze or the alcohol.
	It's going to show its head up in another place.
	You get rid of the booze and it shows itself up in gambling or jerking off or sex addiction.
	It's like, you got to take care of the problem.
	And if you don't have the problem, like if you don't have the problem, then maybe the, maybe you should look at that.
	Like go like, hey, man, like my wife was a big drinker in college and quit drinking thinking she was an alcoholic and then realized, oh no, my parents were split up.
	I had a shitty childhood.
	I need to get in therapy and fix all the things that when I drink, bring those to the top.
	She did it.
	My wife never drinks.
	She will drink every now and then.
	Doesn't even give a fuck.
	And I was like, oh, wow, I want to be like that.
	I want to be like that where you go like, yeah, I can have a drink.
	Sure.
	Like last night.
	Had a couple drinks and then I was like, oh, I don't want to be too bloated when I see Theo tomorrow.
	So I was like, I'm going to go to sleep.
	Watch the documentary on, hey, do you think in Japanese Netflix, how do you think they title the World War II movies?
	Do you think they're like World War II?
	We were also in it.
	Because I was watching.
	They get left out of all of it.
	It's like World War II Road to Victory is the one we get.
	What do you think the Japanese, because they have Japanese Netflix?
	Almost good.
	Almost good.
	So close.
	Yeah.
	World War II.
	I watched Inglorious Bastards with a German guy.
	Oh, yeah.
	That's uncomfortable.
	Oh, with a German.
	Yeah, it's like watching Did Jaggo Inchained with a bunch of black guys.
	Yeah, yeah.
	That's not really a post-game movie.
	He's like, well, those are really bad guys, man.
	Yeah.
	Damn, them guys was bad, homie.
	None of them looked like my grandfather.
	I know, huh?
	Damn, bro.
	Shit got real.
	What else do we want to talk about?
	Okay.
	Is there anything else?
	You got your special coming out?
	Special comes out March 18th.
	March 18th.
	Yes.
	And I think it's my best one.
	Lucky.
	I'm the luckiest man alive.
	You know, yeah, it might be right about you.
	Buddy, I am.
	Think about, if I pitched me to you.
	I wouldn't believe it.
	Right?
	25 years old in college.
	Been in college seven years, roughly.
	Yeah.
	Rolling stone, no degree, no chances of graduating, no hopes of graduating, no real direction in life.
	Rolling Stone Magazine discovers me and calls me the number one party in all the country.
	And a Buccaneers fan at that time.
	And a Bucs fan.
	Back when the Bucks and the Saints sucked.
	I'm going to test a Verdi jersey.
	Dude.
	Back when you were just waiting for the 49ers to come in time and beat your ass.
	From Florida.
	From Florida, before anyone knew what a Florida man was.
	Those were all my uncles and my fucking brothers, all my people in my life, off around Florida man.
	Rolling Stone discovered magazines discovered me called the number one party in the country.
	Oliver Stone options the rights to my life.
	I moved to New York.
	Within six months, I get a development deal from Will Smith.
	That's weird now, but I moved to LA.
	I get my first TV show on The X Show.
	I then get another development deal at CBS.
	I meet the love in my life.
	I keep working in TV.
	I get fired.
	I get on travel chip.
	I mean, all the things that have happened to me are so goddamn lucky that I look at it and I go, I don't deserve to be where I am.
	I have the greatest group of friends, meaning like my friends, you included, are the funniest, most thoughtful people in the world.
	The funniest people in the world, but yet people who will take time out of their schedule to go see my wife's live podcast when they don't need to.
	Like, that's my friends, right?
	Tommy, you, Joe, Ari.
	Some of them drug me, but like Joey Diaz, you know, it happens.
	But like, you look at your group of friends and your, and there's more than that.
	I got two great kids who are really fucking well-rounded for a dad who's leveraged their childhood to make money.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And they're, but they're still well-rounded and they're happy and we love each other and, and I'm healthy and I'm the strongest I've ever been.
	And I get to do what I love and for work today to promote my special.
	I get to sit with you and just chat about, I mean, that's like, I'm the luckiest motherfucker.
	But I also think, I really believe this, you have to identify your luck.
	I think I mentioned this in the special.
	You just have to start looking at things as half full and don't like even the bad things go.
	That needed to happen to me.
	That had to happen to me to get me to the place where I could see the luck come from it.
	You know, I mean, it's like, look at all the shit you've been through.
	And then I go, thank God.
	Like, I think, I was thinking of it today.
	I was, I was like, I hate that Theo had to go through, you know, drugs and alcohol because that's so not him.
	And it's never been who I know you knew you to be.
	I never even knew you to party, to be dead honest with you.
	Yeah.
	I never saw it.
	Yeah.
	And I go, but you know, I'm so glad he did because he's so fucking grounded now.
	Like he seems like in such a better place.
	And he's got all these great stories about the time he got high on Coke and locked himself out of his apartment while he was making a smoothie.
	Like those fucking wild stories where you're doing Coke with Daryl Strawberry and fucking the Bronx.
	I mean, you have all these crazy adventures now, but you're so like, like I go, you just got to look at it and go, that sucked then, but that's, that's then, this is now.
	And we're, now we're lucky.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	No, you got to be here to tell them.
	Dude, I mean, I, I, I lucky.
	I went to.
	Yeah, for sure.
	Lucky.
	I'm lucky as fuck.
	And I think if I can put luck out there, like, I'd say I bought like $100 worth of pennies.
	It's a lot of pennies.
	More than you'd think.
	It's wild.
	And I just started throwing them around LA, just flipping them on the ground.
	Cause every time you see a penny, you're like, oh, shit, good luck.
	Yeah.
	I was like, oh, why not just gift that to people?
	Like, just a little.
	And then if I have a project like that, I start getting really into it.
	And I'm like, fucking, I'm walking through parking lots, dropping them in front of everyone's car.
	So everyone gets good luck when they get in their car.
	That's the fucking copper Johnny Apple seed.
	The copper Johnny Apple seed.
	That's him.
	Spreading luck, March 18th on Netflix.
	The special is dropping.
	You got the 5K in Tampa.
	You have your double down show that's in Las Vegas.
	Yes.
	Oh, that weekend.
	I'm in Vegas, March 21st and 22nd over at the Resorts World Theater.
	Two shows.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	I'm proud of you, man.
	I'm proud of you, man.
	Nice.
	Like, we've been friends for a long time, but it's so good to see.
	It's so, man.
	You know, my girls and Leanne root for a couple comics.
	And you're in that short list.
	And so when good shit happens to you, same with Nikki.
	When Nikki, when Nikki did the Golden Globes, they were in a text thread.
	But you're in that short list.
	You, Shane, Nikki, Tony Hanscliffe.
	People in my family knows.
	Yeah.
	And it's, man, it's cool when you get a text from your kids.
	You're like, dog, dad, did you see the fucking, what was the Theo?
	I forget what it was.
	They're like, have you seen the best of Theo?
	And I was like, no.
	And then Georgia sent it to me.
	She's like, Dad, she's on a plane.
	She's like, Dad, this fucking, he is fucking hysterical.
	I was like, dude, fuck yeah.
	I remember watching Georgia watch Shane Gillis for the first time and was like, are we allowed to laugh at this?
	Yeah.
	And I love that.
	I love that.
	I'm the luckiest motherfucker out there.
	Well, we're lucky to be in your presence, man.
	I feel that.
	And thanks for always being supportive.
	And thanks for some of the nice things that you said today, dude.
	And yeah, I feel lucky.
	I was driving over here today.
	I was like, man, my job today, I get to talk to a friend of mine.
	Fuck.
	Fuck.
	That's a blessing.
	It's a blessing.
	Burt Chrysler, man.
	Stay healthy and enjoy your year off of comedy, huh?
	I think I'm going to go back on tour maybe October.
	We'll see.
	We'll see.
	He'll be back on tour in a month, probably, but that's okay.
	He keeps working hard.
	Love you, bro.
	Now I'm just falling on the breeze.
	And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be called the stone.
	But when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of my mouth.
	I can feel it in my bones.

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