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May 14, 2024 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

02:01:22

E502 Nikki Glaser

Nikki Glaser is a stand-up comedian, host, and podcaster. She recently performed at the Roast of Tom Brady on Netflix, and her new special “Someday You’ll Die” is streaming now on HBO Max. Nikki Glaser returns to chat with Theo about her wild night at the Roast of Tom Brady, the near-disaster she almost had on stage, the insane history of lobotomies, ongoing tension between lesbians and straight men, new advancements in women’s pleasure technology, and they also listen to Nikki’s first-ever song. Nikki Glaser: https://www.instagram.com/nikkiglaser ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ BetterHelp: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp — go to http://betterhelp.com/theo to get 10% off your first month. Shopify: Go to http://shopify.com/theo to sign up for a $1-per-month free trial. Shady Rays: Go to http://shadyrays.com and use code THEO to get 40% off polarized sunglasses. Ibotta: Download the Ibotta app and use code THEO when you register to get $5 just for trying Ibotta. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	I have some new tour dates to tell you about.
	We've added a third show in London on June 16th at the Eventim Apollo.
	Tickets go on sale Tuesday, May 14th at 10 a.m.
	local time.
	We also have shows in New York City on May 31. Belfast in the UK on June 6th.
	That's an added show.
	June 7th is sold out.
	Idaho Falls, we've added a show on June 27th.
	Salt Lake City, Utah on June 30th.
	And Las Vegas, Nevada on July 5th and 6th at Resorts World Las Vegas.
	Get all your tickets at theova.com slash T-O-U-R.
	And if tickets are too expensive, just wait.
	We'll come back around.
	Make sure you buy them through our link and not off of a secondary site.
	Thank you guys so much for your support.
	Today's guest is a comedian.
	She's my friend.
	She's one of the roasters from the recent Tom Brady roast on Netflix.
	She's one of the best roasters of all time.
	She has a new special out on HBO called Someday You'll Die.
	Today's guest is Nikki Glaser.
	Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I've been singing Almost there Shine on me
	Yeah, I need to get a sip of this coffee so I think I'm going to talk to a woman.
	It's different.
	Yeah.
	Really?
	Good.
	Yeah, dude, talking to a dang woman?
	Are you kidding me?
	Really?
	Yeah.
	It's the biggest fear inside of a man, I think, is talking to a woman.
	Some people, they men will, yeah, men, they can't.
	Yeah, people sometimes can't talk to a woman.
	Yeah, I feel that way.
	I have a nervousness around men that I think fell away when I started doing comedy because I just felt like...
	Men don't treat me differently.
	They don't see me sexually.
	Even though sometimes I do want to be seen that way, but I don't think about it much anymore.
	But yeah, I used to feel that way all the time.
	But now I feel like I relate to men sometimes more than women and enjoy having conversations because I feel like I pull out like a feminine energy from men that I like, that they don't get to express a lot.
	Like I like, I like when the guys I'm, a guy I'm dating has women friends because he gets to like release some emotion that doesn't have to come out on me.
	I don't have to be the only place for that because he doesn't feel safe doing it to me because it's not sexy.
	But he can do it with his girlfriends that there's no sexual vibe.
	So he can get, because women are asking for a sexual life.
	And if it's a big lesbian friend, too, you could cry on a lesbian.
	Oh, absolutely.
	I can't because it gets sexual.
	Yeah.
	But a man can cry on a lesbian.
	Like, they get a little too comforting to me when I cry.
	There should be like a place like in nature or on, I'm not going to say like street corners or whatever, but where there is a devout lesbian who is, you know, who is totally has gone through whatever the steps are to be a lesbian and is and is there to take the journey off of a man to just shoulder some of the burden, you know, because a lot of men didn't get either one of their parents because one of their parents was gone because of divorce.
	And then the other parent, because of that, had to work.
	So a lesbian, a tough lesbian, too.
	Not one of these little Las Vegas nightly rental lesbians.
	I'm talking about a real fucking oatmeal eating lesbian.
	Do you ever feel though that lesbians like have no use for you because you're a man?
	Oh, yeah.
	Like that they're just like, get the fuck out of here.
	I don't need to deal with this shit.
	Yeah, we are the ugly women, the lesbians.
	That's what a man is.
	You're the ugly.
	How does an ugly woman feel?
	Because the lesbians aren't going after her either.
	So that's an ugly woman is an ugly woman to everyone.
	Oh, shit.
	Shit.
	Fuck.
	That's why it's so important to stay like hot.
	You feel like no one wants you.
	Really?
	You think that?
	Yeah.
	Is an ugly man acceptable to anyone?
	I think there are certain like guys that are into.
	No, I'm joking, dude.
	These days, first of all, everybody looks pretty good these days.
	Can we say that?
	Well, if you have money, there's no reason you better look good.
	Right.
	But even the government is like buying people teeth and phones, phone cards.
	It's like, I feel like everybody kind of almost looks the same now, really.
	Yeah, I agree.
	Everybody's about like an eight.
	And then you have some people that- Or I don't know.
	There's definitely some people that are 10s, but everybody's kind of like an eight or seven.
	But the tens were like born 10s and you can't like buy, you can buy a nine.
	Yeah.
	You can't buy a 10. Like when that's just like you see a model and they're just like an alien.
	They're very rare though.
	They're probably more rare than psychopaths or something.
	You know what I mean?
	Percentage wise.
	Yeah.
	Only God makes tens, huh?
	Yeah, that's a good, yeah.
	A doctor can't.
	They try.
	They can get like 9.2.
	Yeah, they can get.
	You get a good one, but even it's hard to find a doctor that can do that kind of work.
	Yeah.
	No, it's Dr. God.
	Dr. God, baby.
	God luck.
	Yeah.
	But yeah, there's no, like, you can just, that's the pressure, though, is like, sometimes when I feel like, oh, you don't look as good as you could look.
	Like, I always want to reach my potential, right?
	Ooh, now that's a good point.
	Now, my potential with enough money is 9.2.
	Like, like I just said, enough, like I can find a person to make me a 9.2.
	And I'm not a 9.2, but there is surgery.
	There's a right person out there that can transform my face and my body into exact, like as high.
	That's as high as I could get.
	And I'm not reaching it.
	And so I just go, I'm failing in some way.
	And my friends who don't have money go, I'm just the way I am because I can't afford to do that, but I could maybe afford to do that.
	So I feel like I need to do that.
	You're going to risk it?
	Yeah.
	I mean, I do stuff already.
	I get like injections and stuff here and there.
	And I'm not like, I don't do it a lot, but every couple of years I get insecure enough that I'm like, let's just see what we're going to do.
	And I like the risk of it.
	It's like getting a tattoo.
	It's like, it can be bad, a haircut.
	Like, I can get it dissolved or what I could turn it back around.
	But it is, when women have face work or men and it kind of gets fucked up, I sometimes go, good for you.
	You took a fucking chance.
	That's a good point, huh?
	Yeah, you're a risk taker.
	You are.
	The ultimate.
	Yeah, you're somebody that reached in the draft.
	You are Sean Payton of the Dender Broncos in reconstructive surgery realm.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, because you definitely see, well, sometimes I'll kiss a woman and her lip tastes like a part of, like it's like a.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, it tastes like something you would throw to a dog to catch, kind of, like it just feels like a chew toy.
	Yeah.
	So it doesn't feel like you're kissing them anymore.
	It feels like you just want to.
	Oh, you can feel filler for sure.
	I don't have it in my lips, but I got it just like recently down here, which for some reason makes this go up.
	Like it's all like, I don't even know how it works, but I don't like all the, like, I got some here.
	I've never gotten it before, but I can feel it.
	Like, I don't, whenever I'm like, you know, going like this, like, hmm, I'm like, oh, God, because I don't, you feel weird pressing on it.
	It's not a good feeling.
	I'd get some like on the back of my legs, bottom of my butt, maybe just to make me a little taller, like when I'm in a seat or whatever.
	It would.
	That is a way to get taller.
	Sitting only.
	Yeah, you're sitting down a lot.
	Nobody thinks about that.
	Oh, shit, of course you would.
	Sitting tall.
	You're like, yeah, I'm not that tall when I'm standing up, but when I'm sitting, I'm a little taller than you'd expect.
	I mean, are you good on your posture?
	Like, are you working on that?
	Fuck no, dude.
	Yeah, I was working on it until I quit working on it.
	I mean, like, when you're conscious of it, when I am, when I sit the way I'm supposed to with my shoulder blades down, my neck extended, and my back, like, this is a good look.
	I know this is going to look better than what I really want to do, which is this.
	Yeah.
	Armadillo.
	But this feels like I'm going to meet some dude's going to try to meet me, I feel like, all the time.
	You're waiting for a grinder date.
	Or you're waiting.
	Yeah.
	You're hoping they pick you to go on the Mayflower or something.
	Like it has a very alert ready.
	Yes.
	Pick me.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	That's what it feels like.
	Pick me.
	Yeah.
	But for a girl, in a way, she can sit in a way that is just like, I have confidence.
	Like, there's a way to sit that's like exude sexuality for sure.
	Well, yeah.
	Oh, definitely.
	For a woman?
	Yeah.
	To like, just like, I don't even know how to contort my body in that way, but I know that when I am trying to look sexy, my back hurts afterwards because I've been holding this arch back.
	It's not healthy, like it's not good, but some girls just walk around naturally like that.
	Oh, yeah.
	People from Toronto have the best posture.
	I don't know if you've been there.
	Have you been there?
	yes and it kind of checks out in my memory Wait, why?
	Maybe they're school desks?
	Because that's what breaks us.
	It could be like the, I don't know how gravity is up there or something, but it's definitely there's a, they are very, you know, they look very on purpose.
	They look very on purpose.
	Okay.
	A lot of people like wandering, like, oh, look at this fucking accident.
	Toronto.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But it's not an intimidating on purpose.
	Like Toronto, they're like, is it, I always say it wrong, Toronto, not Toronto.
	It's Toronto.
	I think you can call it whatever you want, dude.
	They're just happy you came to visit us.
	They really are.
	Yeah.
	And they should be.
	It's a bitch getting there.
	Well, and it's like a lot of people didn't even think Canada was real for a long time.
	Like we had to discover it like seven times before people were like, yes, okay.
	We'll admit it that you're real.
	Is that the history of that?
	I don't really know how.
	I mean, 100%, dude.
	Canada, dude?
	Yeah.
	A lot of people are like, I don't know, man.
	Yeah, we'll see about it.
	That's what we see.
	Every time I go there, don't you feel like you're they are like Air Canada.
	You fly there.
	They're mad at you when you're flying them.
	I don't like that.
	I just don't like flying Air Canada.
	And then when I get there, the customs feel so aggressive that I'm just like.
	They don't like us.
	Are you happy I'm here?
	No, they're not.
	Yeah.
	That's the real truth.
	I think you're right.
	I think you're right.
	And once you get in, though, the people love you.
	People are always like, why don't you come?
	And I'm like, it's your border control.
	It makes me feel like a criminal and makes me feel like, why are you here?
	Well, we kind of have become that.
	I mean, America is a criminal state obsessed with capitalism that has sacrificed everything that was good to make a couple bucks.
	So I get why they're tapping us on the shoulder a little extra over there on the way in.
	I get it.
	They don't want that energy.
	They don't want that semen in their energy.
	They're looking to be famous and cool.
	Like they don't have that sad desire.
	And sad is, you know, just a word I use for that.
	But it's like.
	Yeah, we have some kind of desperation here, it feels like.
	Does it make any sense or no?
	Totally.
	I'm fighting it all the time because I'm a part of it and I feed into it and it gets me.
	But I also am so disgusted by it.
	I can't go shopping because consumerism really stresses me out.
	And thinking about all of these, when I go shopping, I just like look at all the racks of clothes and I'm like, this is all going to be in a landfill.
	This is all going to be in the ocean.
	Like that, it grosses me out.
	But I'm also buying that stuff.
	They're just shipping it to me so I don't have to see it in mass amounts and think about that.
	But so I'm, I'm on both sides of it.
	But yeah, we've, it's, it's a bitch.
	It's interesting.
	Um, well, the question everybody wants to know is, how's that vagina doing, huh?
	It's pretty good.
	That's what's up.
	Yeah, that's what's up.
	It's like, I have, it's, right now, it's like a good day.
	Like, you, do you have like good, good and bad days down there?
	Good wiener days?
	Like where you're just like, I wouldn't mind if someone saw it.
	Like it's looking, I think vaginas have more going on that can be either just, there's more pieces to have in place that some days you're just like, this is great.
	And it's probably the days that you should, that you're like ovulating or whatever.
	Oh, it's that party nostril, homie.
	That's what it is, dog.
	You know what I'm saying?
	The deepest dimple, baby.
	Let's get it.
	You know what I'm saying?
	It's definitely, it's like the 30th wonder of the world, I guess.
	It used to be like the number one wonder of the world.
	It was like there.
	It was like Guantanamo Bay.
	Like Gary Busey, and then like the Leaning Tower of Pizza or whatever.
	But it's definitely lost.
	I think it kind of went down with crypto.
	I feel like the vagina did some.
	It does feel like people aren't as interested in hearing about it and talking about it and like getting.
	It moved to ass.
	Is that what people are interested in?
	Or is it just like or that ass pussy?
	That's what a lot of gay dudes would be like, let me get that ass pussy.
	I like that.
	Why not?
	I don't like it.
	At the mall or whatever, when I'm like at an Aero Pastale or that popcorn shop that they have always.
	That's when the malls went out of business.
	If you have more than one popcorn shop and you're not in Minnesota, your mall is given babe.
	But yeah, that's what a lot of gay dudes are hunting for that ass.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Well, that's all they got.
	Yeah, but there's a lot of like, like, because gay dudes would be like, I'm, oh, God made me gay, right?
	Or whatever.
	I'm not gay by choice.
	But the second they buy you one drink, they're trying to get you to choose to be gay.
	It's like, that's interesting.
	Bro, this is crazy.
	Yeah.
	Like, well, because they see how you can make that they, they probably are buying into this fluidity thing of like, they probably, as in high school, hooked up with girls and were like, I know how to hook up with someone I'm not attracted to and convince myself to be into it.
	You do that now with me, you know, because they have to do that.
	Like, you know, especially not maybe kids now, but in some states, yes.
	But like when I was growing up, there weren't out, there weren't kids in my graduating class that were gay.
	No one was gay.
	That were like, yeah.
	Everybody called everybody gay, but nobody was deaf.
	No one was out.
	But we knew who was, but they had to hook up with girls.
	I mean, into their 20s and 30s, sometimes they're hooking up with girls.
	Can you imagine having to hook up with someone?
	You're just so not into.
	I mean, yes, I can.
	I've done it before, but it's alcohol would probably make it so I could do it.
	Yeah, or marriage.
	I think a lot of people get married or whatever.
	And then they're like, damn, this dude's gay or whatever.
	And then they're stuck with a gay husband.
	But I think a lot of women, because of things like watch what happens live, they love having a gay husband.
	It's almost cooler than having a straight husband and whatever he's doing.
	They'd rather have this crazy gay husband and then they just write crazy boy on their butt or whatever before sex or whatever.
	I don't know.
	No, I don't think that they ever.
	I think they just.
	Do you think they know he's gay and they just have a tacit agreement that we're going to do kind of going to indulge in some of these things, but never call it out that you're gay?
	Like, I feel like you're right about like having a being married to a gay man would be fun because there's a feminine energy to him that would be like almost like having a girlfriend.
	Oh, it's the largest Pomeranian you can have if you're a woman is a gay husband.
	Yeah?
	Yes.
	But at least your Pomeranian could go down on you and enjoy it.
	That's true.
	That's true.
	You know, and have a good time.
	Yeah.
	That is the irony of putting peanut butter on your genitals or whatever, like and having a dog lick it off.
	It's disgusting and absolutely illegal and should be.
	But the dog would like it.
	No, like it would, there's, they already like crotches.
	Right.
	And then plus peanut butter, it would, I mean, it's, there's no denying that that party would enjoy it.
	It wouldn't be like, I don't want to do this.
	I mean, unless they're being forced.
	But if it's on their own licking.
	Yeah, it's true.
	We're really not helping each other get what we want.
	With these bestiality laws we have.
	Yeah.
	It's just like, no, I know.
	As soon as animals can vote, dude, we're going to learn a lot.
	Or as soon as they can do the alphabet or whatever, they just had a dog or whatever that can open up.
	With their tongue.
	No, he can open up a pack of cigarettes.
	So can you look that up?
	I want to say it was an Australian Shepherd.
	That sounds right.
	You need to take him to a vet ASAP.
	Well, he's opening up a pack of cigarettes.
	That's crazy then.
	Hold up.
	Here's crazy.
	This is how insane America is.
	It says, if your dog ate a cigarette, you need to take him to the vet ASAP.
	However, Americans can smoke them as much as they want.
	Actually, it says, if your dog opened up a pack of cigarettes, you need to take him to the vet ASAP.
	Tobacco and the filters from cigarettes can be toxic.
	However, it doesn't say this part, but it low-key does.
	If you are human, feel free to smoke your fucking life away.
	I mean, no one, it's, I mean, I vape sometime.
	Yeah, I vape sometimes.
	And it's like, we know it's bad, but what the fuck?
	Like, we know it's bad, but.
	YOLO.
	Yeah, I guess.
	It's like, I don't know.
	If it's not ruining my life yet.
	I can't.
	Yeah.
	Let me do it.
	Yeah, there's always going to be something I think.
	And we're imperfect creatures.
	It's so hard to not have anything.
	Yeah, it is.
	But yeah, how's that bagana doing, girl?
	I think it's pretty good.
	I really haven't checked in on it.
	I haven't like done anything with it in so long.
	I've just been wiping it after I pee.
	That's like my, and washing it in the shower.
	I haven't, I haven't like had sex or had an orgasm in a really long time.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	No.
	Yeah.
	That's why I was like, when you asked that, I was really like, how is it?
	Because I haven't done anything with it.
	I've just been too busy.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	If you got busy cooter going on, it is.
	So it's good.
	I think it's really good right now because it's been not like neglected in that way.
	Like you feel like you get things back and you're like, oh.
	You build up some cheek.
	Yeah.
	Really?
	Probably.
	And I do Pilates.
	I'm doing a lot of like pelvic floor work.
	So it's probably pretty good.
	I love that.
	Thank you.
	I love that for everybody.
	And also, yeah, I need to.
	My back pussy?
	My butt pussy, though?
	No, I don't know.
	I don't want to talk about that.
	We can't talk about that dude.
	This is a Christian show.
	What about like, cause I do notice, so say I'm a man, right?
	And so if I masturbate like the next day, I do feel a little bit like weaker or a little bit less organized.
	You know, I feel sometimes I'll be a little like, I'm not 100%.
	Yeah, I've heard that.
	I haven't, I don't do it enough to like track it.
	I do know that I can get like compulsive about masturbating if I'm like, if I'm in a compulsive mood and I'm like, I'll smoke weed.
	Okay, I got high and that was good for five minutes.
	I'll pick up the guitar.
	Oh, I played one song.
	Okay, now I got, oh, I'll eat a bunch of food and then I'll do that.
	And I'm like, I need more dopamine.
	Okay, I'll masturbate.
	After that, I'm like, um, okay, I'll go smoke weed again.
	And then I go get back to masturbation.
	Not time yet.
	Not ready to go.
	I'll eat more.
	Like I just, that's when I can get more.
	It sounds like a new diet, I feel like, like a Nashville diet.
	That's what I feel like.
	That sounds like, dude, it's horrible.
	I hate when I get into those spirals of just like just chasing it until you fall asleep.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, you're just like waiting for sleep to come.
	But yeah, that's when I can be too much about it.
	And that's, and that's when I can track like, oh, yeah, my mood, it's just, I'm trying to get dopamine up.
	But I don't really feel like a dullness afterwards, or I don't feel like I'm harnessing anything by not coming or something.
	I haven't, I'm sure there's some truth to that, but I haven't felt it.
	Do you, does a woman feel less in, less complete the day after an orgasm or like something like that?
	Possibly, but I wouldn't know.
	I'm not like someone who's like, I haven't tracked it.
	I haven't like.
	What?
	Really?
	You just haven't noticed in your life?
	No, I can be really constipated and not know it.
	I can be like, why do I feel sick and none of my clothes fit?
	And then I'll like, and then I'll go to the bathroom.
	I'll be like, oh my God, I haven't pooped for like a week.
	I just don't notice my body.
	I'm not in tune with my body.
	Wow.
	So I don't like my, when my friends are like, I feel sick.
	I think it's that thing I ate.
	I would never be able to trace things.
	I'm not paying attention to what makes me feel good.
	I'm trying to do that more now and do like somatic therapy and like, you seem really angry.
	Where's that coming from?
	And I, I literally never have any answer from my therapist about like, I don't feel things on my body.
	Really?
	Like numb.
	And it would seem to be that I was molested or something, but I can't remember anything like that happening either.
	So it's like kind of a disassociation.
	Yeah, exactly.
	If it happened, I'm glad I didn't remember it.
	But something keeps me from being in tune.
	Yeah, molested or forgetful.
	That could be a new like, hey, that's insane.
	And that's unfortunate to say, dude.
	No, but there, you know, it's.
	It's not.
	Nobody, don't justify that.
	I shouldn't say that.
	Justify what?
	Of course.
	You could say that because people are molested or, but if you were molested and you forgot your molestation, you still trauma from it because things happen to us as a baby that we don't understand that we carry on to.
	But what, what a gift it would be to not remember it and just have it be, and then you just keep blaming your parents forever, not knowing that it was some kind of babysitter you had or something that really did it.
	And they used to, I was going to talk about lobotomies, but can you believe that they did lobotomies?
	Yeah, I can.
	It's really unbelievable.
	Bring up some of the lobotomy information, please.
	A lobotomy is a type of brain surgery that involves severing the connection between the frontal lobe and the other parts of the brain.
	Yeah.
	And lobotomies became popular in the 1930s as a treatment for certain mental health conditions.
	There are times when I feel so mentally unwell that I would be like, if it went on long, if it went on a really long time, me feeling that bad, I'd be like, please.
	Please take it out.
	Yeah, please cut the connection that is making this happen.
	Like you would want just an out.
	Like I still want, it would be like a suicide without having to die.
	Yeah.
	Oh, wow.
	But then you're still just milling around like, God, people are like, I wouldn't know.
	Huh?
	I wouldn't know.
	And it's not.
	It's not just bothering people, though.
	Oh, I wouldn't have been taking up traffic.
	You're just walking up.
	People ask.
	You're just like an eternal trick or treater.
	You're just bothering.
	Yeah, I guess I would never do a voluntary one.
	But if someone was like, she must be, I'd be like, oh, okay.
	You know, like, kind of like, it's not my fault that I'm going to be that.
	Yeah.
	They did this to me.
	But yeah, there's times where it's like, I can see why they would want to clip that cord.
	In addition to people who meet current definitions for mental illness, practitioners also perform lobotomies on people with intellectual disabilities who were gay.
	Wow.
	Who were in prison for crimes, which some blamed on criminal insanity.
	Oh, a 2018 study also states that most lobotomized people were women.
	Yeah, so it was just like bad PMS.
	And they're like, clipper.
	Like, hey, look.
	And what about who's the group that came over to decide?
	That must have been a crazy dinner, huh?
	Because the woman had to cook it and also sit there and defend herself.
	Oh, my God.
	I hope they let her clean up before they took her away.
	Because who's going to do that?
	Oh, my God.
	Often the reasons doctors gave for this was they needed to maintain order in the hospital.
	You're right.
	Other reasons included a lack of interest in childcare and strange behavior.
	What does that mean?
	What do you mean, a lack of interest in other reasons include a lack of interest?
	Oh, I guess they did it to women who probably had postpartum and were just like, I don't really want this baby.
	Wow.
	Which most women were just getting raped by their husbands back then and making to have a baby every fucking chance that they could.
	Why would you want that kid?
	Well, we wouldn't have mad men, first of all, if some of that didn't happen.
	John Ham wouldn't have a career if that didn't happen.
	So the fact that he doesn't.
	I wouldn't be here if that didn't happen to my grandma.
	But the fact that he doesn't donate a million dollars a year, okay, to secretaries of America with children is unfucking real.
	What lobotomies do to people?
	Proponents of lobotomies thought that the procedure could address the root cause of mental health symptoms by cutting off the part of the brain they believed was responsible for them.
	Wow.
	So it really was just so prehistorical.
	Let's just go in there and cut the cable.
	And you don't get, you, so you have apathy, you have distractibility.
	So you get a little ADD.
	Right.
	They reduce the functionality of the frontal lobe, resulting in, okay, go on.
	Yeah.
	So lack of initiative.
	So no one, the lack of restraint.
	Okay.
	So lack of restraint is not a good thing.
	That's probably a thing that they go, well, we don't like that.
	Like we want to control them.
	Euphoria, you, so they reduce the functionality.
	Oh, okay.
	So they reduce the functionality of the euphoria.
	So they get euphoria.
	And it resulted in, yeah, euphoria, feeling of intense happiness.
	That sounds good.
	Significant changes in personality.
	Okay.
	Because I think a lot of those things are things that come from the back of your head.
	It's like from your like limbic system.
	Based on those symptoms, I'm pretty sure I've had a lobotomy.
	It's like check, check, check, check.
	God, dude.
	That's interesting.
	Yeah.
	I'd do it back in the day.
	I would have been up for it.
	If you could come back again, if you get to run it back, right?
	Yeah.
	Whitney Glazer.
	Sorry.
	Nikki Glazer.
	You fucking did that on purpose.
	I did not do that on purpose.
	Yes, you did.
	I would never do that on purpose.
	Really?
	That's funny.
	My brain is so.
	Really?
	I love that.
	I love being, you know.
	Misgendered or whatever.
	Whitney?
	Or being thought.
	Well, she's the same gender as me.
	I was thinking, you're talking, you were thinking Whitney Cummings.
	Oh, dang, I wonder if my brain was thinking of that.
	Or who, what kind of, when you think Whitney, who do you think?
	Definitely not Houston.
	I think a Hughes Tit has it up there.
	To be honest with you, no offense.
	It's very funny.
	Whitney has some fucking shit.
	She got some.
	I've seen him.
	Have you seen him?
	Some pool told her.
	Yeah.
	And they're nothing.
	The life star can take the day off.
	You feel me?
	He's got those unsinkable baths.
	Whitney's on duty.
	Yes.
	Yeah, she's got those U-boats, dude.
	If I were that baby, I would never grow past two months.
	Those are insane.
	You're right.
	And they're probably even, they get so good when women are pregnant.
	Do they?
	Oh my God.
	My friends who have like tiny tits are just like giant, firm, full, nice like color of nipples.
	Like they get a little darker.
	Like it's just their tits look amazing.
	God.
	And that's the one thing that they wish to keep.
	That's what I need, that freaking, that birthing tit.
	Yeah.
	God, it's just something everybody wants.
	Yes.
	Just to see those things and before the baby gets to them.
	I don't know if it's what everybody wants, but yeah, I enjoy a pair of, like, Whitney's, you just can't deny they're amazing.
	And when I saw them, I was like, I want to like, I want to feel what that's like.
	Yeah.
	I don't know if I felt them, though.
	I want to know what love is.
	You remember that song?
	Oh, yeah.
	I want Jewish to know me.
	Yeah.
	Something.
	I think you had it right.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, if you got to be reincarnated based on a lot of what you've done.
	So you've been a women's lib activist, right?
	Shut up.
	Well, you have.
	Whatever.
	A women's lib activist.
	I'm just a woman.
	Or whatever it's called.
	I mean, being a woman and just wanting, like, speaking freely as one?
	I don't know that I'm—what do you— No, I think you haven't been like a like a, you know, like, yeah, like, you know, you know, you know, char my vulva or whatever some of those women are doing for Africa or whatever.
	Yeah.
	But I think, yeah, you're like a, you're like a proud female.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, definitely.
	So you know, upspeak, uh, someone who speaks up for women.
	Yeah.
	I mean, yeah, I think so.
	So maybe it might have been the best term.
	I didn't mean it like you, I didn't mean it like a negative thing.
	No, I'm not like a man hate.
	I hope people don't personify me as like a man-hating feminist.
	I actually like men a lot and I empathize even the things that I'm like, why do men not have to do this and we have to do this?
	And I'm like mad about the disparity.
	It's like, I'm not mad at men about it.
	It's just the gender roles.
	It's not like your fault that like men's fault that this is the way it is.
	Or there are many ways in which women are shittier or have it better than men do.
	And it's like not our, we don't need to be villainized for it.
	It's just kind of the roles we fall into.
	I think there's a def, oh, there's a ton of truth to that.
	What was I just reading the other day?
	It was about something that women, they, they were, they don't want to do it.
	Oh, this was about bumble.
	Did you see it?
	Oh, yeah.
	They just changed the setting so men can now reach out to women because it used to be just women only reaching out to men.
	Women had to ask first.
	And I believe women are like, you know what?
	We don't want to do that.
	It doesn't.
	It's not sexy.
	I would say most men are not really bumble really does us a favor by having this feature because women need to learn that if you want to attract a man who's a masculine energy man, you got to let him be the one to lead.
	And men don't really like women taking the lead.
	Feminine energy men do.
	And it doesn't mean gay men, but like there's less.
	There's like 20% of men are feminine, straight men are feminine energy.
	And that's just, and then there's 20% of women that are masculine energy women, which sometimes I am.
	Like on stage, I'm a masculine energy woman.
	Like anyone who's horny for what I do on stage is a feminine energy guy, probably that like is a trend, like wants a partner, like the person I am on stage.
	And so a lot of times the guys that are throwing themselves at me after shows are not my vibe because off stage, I'm like a feminine energy woman.
	And I'm like, I want someone like that.
	Like I want to be the girl.
	But then people don't think of me that way because of on stage, you kind of naturally have to be masculine.
	It's like you're talking to a microphone and like having opinions.
	Like that's kind of a turn off to men.
	That's interesting.
	I don't think of you as that way.
	I think probably like Eliza, maybe I think more of as that way because she's definitely spectrum.
	You know, her pacing and energy, you know, probably add to that.
	I wonder who else is that I think I'm going to be.
	But just the nature of a woman going like, this is what I think and everyone needs to listen.
	Even if I'm like, this is what I think and everyone needs to listen and I have my tits out.
	It's still like you're talking to a microphone to a bunch of people who have to be quiet, especially men have to be quiet.
	It's like, it's a masculine energy thing.
	Yeah.
	It's okay that men are like, I don't really like female comics.
	Like I get it.
	It like, it's like, it makes sense to me when guys are kind of like, that's not my thing.
	It's like a woman like yelling at you.
	If you go to the moment, we've talked about it before.
	Mother.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It's like, I get it.
	It was hard for me for years, I think, sometimes to listen because it was just like, I didn't even know that it reminded me of my mother.
	But it was always something.
	Yeah, it totally makes sense.
	I think some of that went away after a while.
	But yeah, Bumble said now.
	Yeah, Bumble said that they're not for women who date men, making the first move on a dating app can be empowering, but having to do it can be a burden.
	Now they don't have to, at least on Bumble, the dating app that built its brand on letting women message first.
	Women can now add prompts to their profiles for men to respond to.
	Good.
	I like that.
	Like little flirting cues, huh?
	Love it.
	Just any chance for a guy to like reach out and let you know he's into you without really giving away too much.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's so embarrassing.
	Like even for me, if I like someone and like want to let them know, like I won't, I won't let them know until I'm 100% sure they're into me.
	Like 100% sure.
	I don't want to, I don't want that rejection.
	And I'm sure men feel that way all the time.
	Well, yeah.
	And there's no sure bets.
	You know, it's like everything.
	I think this is one thing that's a lot in our society these days.
	Everybody wants a sure bet, right?
	Yes.
	They want a lot of messages to make sure that everything is okay, that there's like you're there.
	Everything has to be a home run.
	Yeah.
	Nobody wants to, nobody wants to kind of make that move and be at risk.
	I mean, they're even setting it up like that here now.
	But now it's like a little thing.
	Like it's like, this is the equivalent of like the long, like a long look across a room at a bar.
	Like I've learned, I feel like sometimes autistic when I have to learn how to like flirt.
	Like the idea of like, if you like a guy, you're supposed to like hold eye contact for like four seconds, which is a really long time.
	But it's just a way to let a guy know tacitly without being aggressive that like, I'm into you.
	Then he can then, then he gets it.
	Like, there's no way that girl's not into me.
	She just looked at me that long, but it wasn't like a masculine energy look.
	It was like, I'm like, it wasn't like, come here, boy.
	It wasn't even like this.
	It was just like, and then that gives a guy enough confidence, like, okay, she's probably into me.
	Now I can approach.
	This is that.
	It gives them a chance to like not risk anything.
	I always feel like if a girl looks at me like that, it's like she wants to probably, oh, this chick wants to borrow some cash.
	I feel like.
	Well, that too.
	You know, I've got to get out of this bar.
	Well, yeah.
	Well, you're a celebrity now, so that's different.
	Like, women are going to look at you longingly all of the time.
	Like, it's true.
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	Girls like you.
	No, these, yeah.
	You know it.
	Come on.
	No, I know some girls like me.
	Yes, yes, yes.
	But it's like, I'm not, I'm not, it has not made dating people any easier for me.
	No, that doesn't change things.
	So you want to meet somebody, right?
	And so then you meet up, you go on a date or something.
	You're always afraid that they're going to videotape you or try and like take advantage of you.
	Like I'll be eating breakfast and I'll see videos later online where people have like videoed me.
	I see you all the time where people are.
	And it makes me just like feel very nervous.
	It should.
	And it makes you not trust people and it makes you question.
	Yeah, I can only imagine.
	I'm glad that I haven't reached that level yet where I feel like.
	What are you talking about, dude?
	There's always somebody.
	Every time I scroll through TikTok, you're yelling about your pussy or something.
	That's probably true, but the algorithm has found you.
	I'm not like right now I'm going through having like a moment where I'm being more recognizable, but prior to this week, I don't think it was at a level of what you deal with where people are filming you and stuff.
	That's got to feel weird.
	Yeah, well, I think here's the thing I didn't realize is I'll sometimes entertain.
	It's like, then I feel like I have to entertain because you don't want to be like, hey, motherfucker.
	Yeah, they're filming.
	Because then you're like a bag animal.
	Look at this guy's a bad guy.
	One video of you being a dick.
	Yeah, this guy's on pills or whatever.
	And people are like, knew he was back on the dust or whatever.
	And you're like, what the fuck, huh?
	Do you read that shit?
	I don't read all of it, but I definitely see stuff.
	You can't miss it, of course.
	Yeah.
	And then, and it doesn't even matter if you don't read it.
	You're like, then you just, your mind wanders to what they could be saying.
	It's usually worse than what they even are.
	It's like, yeah, that's got to feel shitty.
	I've seen, yeah, some people like bombard you before and you're always funny and you're always nice.
	Yeah, but also you are someone that people just feel so close to and feel so connected to and feel like you're looking out for them and that you care about them, that people are just, but also you're someone who's, even if they film you in your natural habitat and you don't know you're being filmed, I trust you to be someone.
	You're just not someone that's going to be like so different than you are here.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It's like I'm going to be buying a slave or something or doing something, you know, or, you know, burying somebody.
	But yeah, I think I think it's, and I'm not complaining.
	I love getting to meet people.
	I think that it has been interesting sometimes when it gets to levels of like.
	You really do.
	Some people do have to buy slaves.
	There's a slave, there's a human slave trade.
	I mean, you see it in bathrooms.
	Like if you see a slave, like the White House probably.
	Someone has to.
	There is.
	Yeah.
	I mean, they're everywhere.
	But literally, people have to meet up to exchange money to buy people all the time.
	That's crazy.
	And imagine you have to, imagine getting all that cash out of an ATM dude.
	You must have to, how much, how much is a, I don't even know if we can look this up.
	How much is a person on the internet?
	This is horrible.
	We, we, honestly, this is interesting because I have no idea.
	I would guess you could buy a person for $20,000, $10,000 probably in some markets.
	It's so sad.
	Average cost right here of Russian mail-order brides, which I'm not saying.
	Fuck out.
	Yeah, I mean, This is where you would, is it?
	Huh?
	I want to denote that we're not talking about this thing.
	We haven't, yes.
	We're not saying, hey, a Russian mail-order bride is somebody that enjoyed farming in the past or whatever.
	This is average cost of a Russian mail-order bride, $2,500 to $4,500.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	I thought it would have been.
	Oh, I'm aging out of Russian bride this month.
	Fuck.
	I hate this.
	This bums me out so much when I age out of slave, like being a trafficked.
	Yeah.
	I'm out.
	No one wants to traffick me.
	That could be your next special untrafficked.
	Please.
	It's so good.
	Because that is the exact age I'm at where it's like you just, I'm not worried about it.
	I know young girls that like do worry about it.
	Yeah.
	Getting stolen.
	Yeah.
	Well, let me tell you this, ladies, if you're at the gas station, some guy's like, hey, will you help me look for something in the trunk of my car and you get in there, dude?
	You shouldn't get in there.
	You know what I'm saying?
	So it's like, you're so fucking funny.
	Some of its basic rules.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
	Of companionship.
	Yeah.
	You know what I was going to say?
	Oh, I was going to say something that was interesting.
	Oh, Ronda Bride.
	Sorry.
	You know the percentage of people that had slaves?
	What percentage of people owned slaves in America?
	I'm going to say, like, back.
	In 1973 or what are you talking about?
	Like 18 at the peak of slaves.
	1820.
	I would say, honestly, just the wealthy.
	I would say 50% because it was probably there was more wealth back then.
	I would say 5% or less.
	Oh, yeah, okay.
	25%.
	Only 25% owned slaves, but slavery factored heavily in the economy of all the colonies.
	Wow.
	Wow.
	We also don't know if this is a dire.
	Yeah, we don't know what this is referencing exactly.
	It seems like a statistic that should be readily available.
	Oh, he posted one lie circulating only 1% of white Southerners owned slaves, but that 1% of white Southern families owned 200 or more human beings.
	But in states of the Confederacy, at least 20% owned at least one.
	And in Mississippi and South Carolina, it ran as high as 50%.
	Wow, you're right.
	Jesus.
	Man.
	Yeah.
	I mean, we all like wear things and use things that are made by slaves.
	Like we all participate in it.
	This skirt was made by a slate, someone who is not getting paid a lot and working backbreaking hours in some country.
	Like it's just the way that it is.
	We're so fucking lucky.
	Are we though?
	I mean, we are.
	To not be doing that.
	We're the luckiest people that have maybe ever lived in the history of humankind.
	We're in the top 0.0000000000.
	Yeah.
	1% of luckiness.
	For sure.
	But I just mean as an overall society.
	No, I mean, that's where I was going.
	I still don't feel like, oh, just because some woman my age is a slave over there that like I can't complain about my life.
	I don't feel that because I feel like, you know, there's problems with my life too that are just, you know, if she was in my shoes.
	It's all relative, yeah.
	That she made.
	Yeah.
	You didn't dare try them on.
	She already walked a mile in them, dude.
	To break them in.
	To like give them that worn look that you pay extra for.
	I'd walked a mile in hers, but I don't want to wear, you know.
	I'm going to stop you.
	It's sad.
	Oh, it's you gotta laugh about it because you have to laugh about it.
	I'm not making excuses for being like, I'm making an inappropriate joke laughing at slaves.
	Literally, what the fuck am I supposed to do otherwise?
	At least I'm talking about it.
	Yeah.
	Like, it's at least it's something if I feel.
	Oh, yeah.
	The other day I was with some black guys.
	This other black guy came up and they said, damn, Larry looked like a slave.
	And I was like, and everybody laughed, you know?
	I wrote a joke for the, the roast that was about Andrew Schultz that was like, you, what's this look you've got going on?
	You look like a plantation owner that wants his slaves to think he's cool.
	Which is like a great joke.
	But the word slave like just turns people off and it was too high risk to like drop that word.
	And I, at first, I was seeing a slave owner that wants his slaves to think he's cool.
	But then I did it and Finesse Mitchell, a black man, saw me do it at the Laugh Factory and he suggested make it plantation owner just to like take some of, because the black community, I guess, does not even like the mention of that word, which is something I didn't, of course, of course they don't, but I wasn't even like thinking that.
	Yeah, that's that could be offensive or just like, just not a cool thing to just say liberally like that.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	But I wouldn't have thought about that word.
	I don't know.
	Maybe that's really me being so naive and just a dumb white bitch, but I didn't know that.
	But now I do.
	Yeah.
	Well, that's not, that's not the perfect picture for that, what I was just saying, but that's, you get it.
	Yeah, let's talk about the roast.
	Congratulations.
	Thanks.
	First of all, you were so funny.
	Thanks.
	And not that you weren't going to be, but I think it's a tough environment to do it in.
	I had one experience with a roast, right?
	Nothing in comparison to yours, but I realized something about it.
	It was probably like eight years ago or 12 years ago or something.
	It was like, who was on it?
	It was like, I think like, it was like a lot of like B-list or D-list celebrities type.
	Where was it?
	It was like Tila Tequila.
	It was like...
	Jermaine Dupree, I think maybe was on it.
	I don't know who else was on it.
	Was this a VH1, MTV, Comedy Central?
	What flavor?
	Oh, no, it was just a fundraiser somewhere.
	Okay.
	This is a fundraiser.
	So not like films, never going to exist anywhere, but still.
	But still, right?
	And it was like, and like, oh, that lady Octor Mom or whatever that helped me.
	Oh, my God, Natalie or whatever.
	She's like, yeah.
	She had like 30 children or something.
	Oh, my God.
	This is a great roast fodder.
	You think it's funny and easy.
	It's going to be cool.
	But then you get up there and the people are right there.
	And you're like, oh, my God, this is going to hurt some people's feelings.
	And I have to say this stuff.
	Yes.
	So that was when I realized how what a tough moment it is.
	Do you feel that when you're doing it?
	I thought, no, I don't actually.
	The only time I thought, if you sign up for a roast, like I understand maybe the first roast that ever happened, I would feel bad because, like, what is this?
	And I wrote all these jokes.
	But, like, go watch roast compilations.
	That's what's coming at you.
	If you agreed to do this, you are opening yourself up to that.
	But what if you sign up for a contest?
	Say you sign up for something where somebody's going to call you a F-A-G-G-O-T, right?
	You sign up for it.
	Somebody's like, that's the thing.
	You want to sign up?
	You're like, yeah, I'll sign up for it, dude.
	And it seems chill or whatever.
	You're backstage.
	Yeah, that sounds like a good time.
	Yeah, you're backstage practicing or whatever, like how you're going to react when they call you.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	But then you go out to the point.
	It's literally Tom Brady in the bowels of the Kia forum the other night is practicing what to look like when they call him that word.
	Probably, yes.
	That's what I heard is that, you know, he was nervous beforehand.
	He's probably more worried about his own set than thinking about the reactions.
	But I think that's a part of being on a roast where you have to like think about what you're going to do when they make fun of you.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I can't hide my feelings.
	I think it would be tough.
	Yeah, it is tough.
	That's why I was so glad that I would like next time they'll come at me hard because I'll be known.
	But this time no one knows me.
	So no one came at me.
	I mean, there were a couple jokes, but nothing, but that consistent every person's going to hit you.
	Yeah.
	I would hate that.
	I'm going to hate that.
	And it will be, I'll be older.
	My face will have more things in it that will make it look weird for people to make fun.
	Like, you know, like there'll be, there'll be more fodder and it will hurt a lot.
	A lot.
	So you agree, though, that there's some pain there.
	Oh, so much pain.
	But I did, like you, like I said, I, before when I've been doing roast, I never thought about people's feelings.
	And I think the last roast I did was five years ago.
	And in that time, I think I've worked on myself enough to have empathy and like not want to hurt people.
	And so this time I was really worried about it.
	And like, I'm not saying this joke about Jeff Ross.
	It's too mean.
	And I don't even believe it.
	I don't want to say this joke about Burt Kreischer only having one joke.
	I don't even feel that way.
	But it's like my friends kept reminding me, it's a roast.
	This is what it is.
	And they signed up for it.
	Don't pull back.
	It's just, it's this.
	Right.
	So I just, but I fought it a lot.
	There were some jokes I didn't do just be and wouldn't even say here because I was just like, they came from such a mean place and I could never, ever say that to someone's face.
	But two, five years ago, I definitely would have done that joke.
	Really?
	So you think you were toned down this time?
	Yeah.
	I mean, but for the right, in the right way.
	Like I think it resonated because I hit the exact right tone.
	Like you do, you do that slave joke and I could have lost people because they're just like, why did she say slave?
	Like the set was built perfectly.
	I won't say it anymore.
	Yeah, I know.
	It was built perfectly so that it was didn't affect it.
	But I didn't pull back.
	I found ways to go just as hard in the way that I wanted to.
	I think.
	Oh, yeah.
	I thought it was really masterful.
	Thanks, man.
	Yeah.
	It was really, really cool.
	And then, yeah, you just see you everywhere and everybody's like, she killed it.
	This bitch is it.
	She's the fucking honky Cardi B people are saying.
	Oh, I haven't read that yet, but that's cool.
	Yeah, no, like it's cool that it's like what I found.
	She's a new Betsy Ross, somebody wrote something.
	Oh, I don't even, wait, like Betsy, like 1800s, Betsy Ross?
	Yeah, the lady that made the freaking flag.
	Oh, my God.
	Let's get up.
	Yeah.
	Thank you.
	That is, that feels really good.
	It's too, dude.
	1700s, Betsy Ross.
	My bad.
	My buddy said his great-grandfather knew her, and she was a chatty bee, dude.
	Oh, yeah.
	Look at her.
	And she lived forever.
	And people were like, well, this chatty bee just died.
	She made one cool.
	She would have had a podcast.
	Oh.
	A hit podcast.
	That's true, huh?
	Call her Betty.
	Yeah.
	Call her Betty.
	She would have had it, man.
	But they like, she probably said five sentences a day and they're like, she was chatty.
	You know, like, she probably was just like, can I get some water?
	You know, Rick's wife made that flag and she's been real chatty since then.
	She looks so quiet.
	Thankfully, my wife's missing.
	It was different times back then, dude.
	You could just kill your wife.
	Well, hold on.
	You cannot.
	And do not say that.
	Do not get that out.
	No, like, you not now.
	Please don't.
	You're going to get caught.
	Yeah.
	But back then, like, you could do anything.
	It was so like that's, I've been talking a lot about, like on stage about the desire to have kids or not have kids and how I think that a lot of the feeling that when women tell me, like, you got to do it, you know, and I know they're just trying to get other women.
	Like when you're not having a good time, you're like, other people, will you do this too?
	There's a part of it.
	And it's very rewarding in its own way.
	But I think a lot of it, they, they actually do believe it's so rewarding, but you, I think at some point you have to convince yourself that it is because you have no other option.
	You have to like it.
	You can't let in that this is a regret because you can't take it back.
	You can let in that you regret marrying your husband because there's an out or, oh, I bought this house or even this tattoo I got.
	You can let in the little regret when you're like, oh, I can get it removed.
	Kid, you just have to, you have to convince yourself you like it.
	And I think you do actually end up liking it because of that, but I think it's because there's no out.
	What do you think?
	Well, I yeah, it's almost like going to prison in a way, kind of, but you because you can't be the guy in prison.
	It's every day like, man, prison sucks.
	That's so right.
	And people are like, dude, shut the fuck up.
	I have to be in here for 21 and a half more years.
	Yes.
	But if you have a life sentence, like it would just, you would just, it would be your life.
	I think I could probably accept it if there was just no getting out.
	I'd like a life sentence better than I would like you get out in 40 years.
	Oh, when you think it's your choice and you could appeal and like they're, yes.
	Because none of your chicks, either, if you hit them up when you get out, bro, it's a rap, dude.
	They're going to be like.
	40 years.
	Oh, yeah.
	Well, hopefully you have a pen pal that you've been lubing up.
	Yeah.
	And then there's someone waiting for you because, but as soon as you're available, they don't want you.
	Like as a woman who's attracted to unavailable men, as soon as a guy would get out of prison, I'd be like, I just think we should be friends.
	Like I would, you know, all that stuff I said I was going to do with you.
	Yeah.
	I'm just not into it anymore because now you're free.
	But I, there's a part of me that understands when women like are attracted to guys that have life sentences.
	They can never be with them.
	Wow.
	Fear of intimacy.
	That guy will never get to know me, never touch me.
	And I can just dream about it.
	And I can tell everybody about it.
	It's a great story.
	Yes.
	I'm the hero.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Or I'm the psycho who likes this guy who murdered his wife and has convinced myself that he wouldn't do that to me if he had a chance.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Or that I want that kind of.
	Or I want to be the one that's like, he wouldn't murder me.
	They murdered everyone else.
	Like I remember hearing about this like murder me, dude.
	Oh, Ben Affleck.
	What was it?
	What was he like?
	I'm always fascinated.
	I'm such a fan.
	You didn't?
	No, he just, we didn't meet even Brady before the show began.
	We just like got mic'd, got sat, and then all of a sudden the show starts.
	Is that one of the reasons they do it, do you think so there's no no because then i guess maybe this is a different production company this time different network it used to be comedy central we would all hang out a little bit before like five minutes before you'd shake their hand like the guy you're about to roast but there was none of that this time and then affleck i think just wanted in and out because he didn't want anyone to even know he was there to be roasted and i think he was supposed to stay on stage after he got done but he fucking he booked it out of there because tom referenced him in his set at some point and it was written in the prompter as if ben would still be there and
	he was gone so i think either he got out because it didn't go the way he wanted it to or he got out because he's like i didn't realize it was going to be this kind of thing i'm i'm not going to sit there and get jokes told about me damn so but yeah it was uh that was it was weird so he was just in and out in and out yeah um and yeah what was it like when he was up there what's it like when somebody's up there and they are trying something right and it's maybe not being perceived or going over as well right we all do that it's like yeah trying a new joke it's a brave way to do it it just sucks for
	him that in the reason his set went poorly um is because he committed to a joke that is the whole like if the joke doesn't work the whole set's gone because the whole set was this one premise of i'm reading a tweet and i'm talking back to this guy so if it the first joke bombs the whole that's what's based he didn't switch to another joke like for me one of my joke bombs i can get it back in the next one totally different reset but his was all about this one thing so much risk it was it was it was not a good something either he didn't prepare well enough
	or something happened but it was just but it could have happened to anyone it's just yeah it happened to him and it sucked he's always been a risk taker though i feel like yeah and he doesn't give a fuck like no one's even talking about whatever that was like it'll be forgotten he'll be fine and he is a risk taker i like that he even did it um and he had a point of view you can tell it like he the whole premise of it was like i i tom handed me my his phone one day and i saw his messages and i couldn't even fathom what the hate he was getting so he started talking to that one of those people that
	was tweeting at him and you could tell he was just really that was his vendetta he wanted to say something to the fans because he's been attacked so much so yeah it was a good premise like he wanted to get something out that was inside of him it just didn't come out the right way but it was a good premise i think that was personal for him and obviously to tom of getting so much hate like yeah it's something but it doesn't resonate with other people because we don't most people aren't getting hate online and are just like i don't care like you think exactly like we as comedians are always talking about do you read the
	hate and stuff people can't relate to that people aren't getting this kind of there are like you know there's a lot of influence that's out there but it's not a relatable thing yeah um i guess if you have like 400 followers and that would be a lot for just a normal person if you know that many people that are following you if you get like 14 likes on something that's good like are you getting sad if you get seven and like what it's probably just all the same yeah you don't you're not like as obsessed with that stuff and some people don't even have that shit to create themselves yeah i'll get some things that'll be like bet your son
	will be a fag or whatever you know and then it'll be like go raiders or whatever or go or go jets all over the place and you're like well what is this about is this a uh a draft kings advertisement what is this so that's the craziest thing dude spring has sprung baby we're sprang it's it's we're it's sprang you know it and whether that means stocking up on cleaning supplies or swapping out your winter clothes for
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	was it better with netflix it was different i think because this was live i was just like why are they gonna do that like why are they gonna do it live because it was an event that's why everyone watched it if this would have been just like something that aired later on i don't think it would have been this good because there were just it was like everyone's like what the fuck this is live it was really crazy and that's why um in past roast i've done really i've done this well before in past roast i feel but when it after it's edited everyone looks like they did that good because of
	the magic of editing so i've never had like this kind of splash not not that i've been like why did more people say I was good?
	It just, I never even thought to think that.
	But I was like, I didn't, this to me was like the same that I've done on everyone, but it was just like, it wasn't, I just did a set that wasn't edited that looked edited because I knew it wouldn't be edited.
	So I didn't have the benefit of, I'll tell that joke and they'll just cut it if it doesn't go well.
	So I just had to make it like perfect.
	Thanks, man.
	Way to think something through.
	Sometimes it's so hard to figure out all those little angles and piece them all together.
	It's really tough.
	It's, you know, and I got so much advice from my friends who work in production and who work in live production, my friends who are just good writers, good roast writers.
	Like I just got like a lot of advice of like how to frame it and tell a story.
	And because you could just get up there and just tell the best jokes and like pick the best ones.
	And that will be a great set, but there's other elements to it too that make it fun and can make it just more palatable, I guess.
	Yeah, I think your level of confidence to having had done it a lot definitely helps.
	Also, Comedy Central was horribly late to the social media game.
	Can you believe Comedy Central's still on?
	On two shows, three original shows right now.
	I think they have South Park, Aquafina, and one other animation show.
	That's all their original programming.
	Wow.
	Like, how different is that than even 10-year?
	Like, it's insane.
	But you had comedy.
	You're the one thing that had comedy in your title.
	But we've talked about that a lot on here.
	They kind of dropped the wall.
	But the biggest thing that they did was they went late to social media.
	They went really late to it.
	They went late to internet.
	They just were late to that whole game.
	Yes.
	You know, they...
	Sorry.
	They have Daily Show.
	Oh, sorry.
	They have.
	Yes, that's it.
	Daily Show, Aquafina, Digman, and South Park.
	That's it.
	That's nuts.
	They used to have so much.
	Yeah.
	Well, times have just changed too.
	I mean, people aren't really watching.
	But they were late, and I think that didn't help as well.
	So if roasters did great for people to see it as easily.
	Yeah, I blew up from the roast because of clips when TikTok came around.
	Like, that's when people noticed me from the original roast.
	And Netflix makes good clips.
	I mean, their clips just look glossier.
	It's just, you know, even as compared to stuff you see on, for some reason, they do a better job of it.
	And then Tom Brady is so high profile, you just don't realize it.
	Yeah, I didn't even want to do a roast again.
	Like, I don't know.
	The idea of roasting, like, the Jonas Brothers, not that they even asked me to do that roast, but when that was, I was like, oh, that's the level where.
	They already did that one?
	Yeah, which was fun and I probably would entertain it.
	But it was like, I just didn't want to put myself up to be made fun of.
	Like, it's just not worth it to me if it's not a big deal.
	And Tom Brady, I'm like, this is a big deal.
	So I wrote, I think Robbie Pra, the guy at Netflix who books everyone.
	And I think I wrote to him and, or he wrote to me about something else.
	And I go, I saw this Tom Brady roast.
	This is like six months ago.
	And I was like, I want that.
	And he was like, I'm actually meeting with Tom pretty soon.
	I was like, tell Tom I'm the Tom Brady of roasting and that it's not going to be a Tom Brady roast without the best roaster there is right now.
	And I, did I believe that at the time?
	No, no, no.
	Like, but I know what I meant was I'll work the hardest.
	Yeah.
	Like, I might be a sixth round draft pick, but I'll fucking, I'll prove to everyone by working hard.
	I won't, I will not take this lightly.
	This is a big opportunity.
	Like, and so I don't even know if he communicated that to him, but I did, I remember like, I never talk myself up in that way.
	Like, I'm really not very good at being like, I can do this, but I really did feel like I could.
	And so I thought, oh, if I can appeal to Tom's sense of like, I have work ethic like you do.
	And I won't phone this in.
	This is, you're a big deal.
	I'm like, get me.
	And so when I got it, I was like, you, this is the, you have to give it everything.
	Right.
	If you ask for the ball, you have to fucking, you have to give it everything.
	Yes.
	So I, the amount of, I worked on that, I don't love working that hard, but you just have to ask for help.
	You just have to have, ask for help in terms of like stopping other things and having people protect you from getting overworked.
	And were you wearing panties up there or not, to be honest?
	Oh, yeah.
	Totally.
	Oh, yeah.
	You were like, I was wearing, I was actually, yeah.
	Did you think about what panties you wear?
	Because Tom Brady's going to be there.
	Do you is that like a is that a perverted thing to ask?
	No, not at all, actually.
	I think no, it really.
	I think, yeah, you kind of do think, you know what?
	If there's no chance I'm having sex, I really don't give a shit.
	You know, and like no one's going to see.
	I don't care.
	So I don't think, I think I wanted them to be black in case they, something happened and they show, but there was no chance of them showing.
	My skirt wasn't as short as it may have looked.
	If your yawn hair gets real long, do women comb it or whatever?
	I don't know.
	Mine never gets like that long enough to think about it.
	You probably try to tuck it up, I would think, in into the underwear.
	But no, but if, yeah, I definitely would, if I was like out and I was like, I'm going to have sex and I didn't prepare for this and I was wearing like a bad thong, I would just wear no, I would just take it off and throw it away because I'd rather be wearing none than like a disappointing pair, even though I know most men don't do a function.
	You're gonna stray animal on, give him a look, treaty.
	Yeah.
	Hey, I'm bubbles.
	You want to party a little tonight?
	Go get your rocks off, little pony.
	Did you, was there part of you that thinks I may have a chance with Tom?
	I mean, you're an attractive lady.
	You're very funny.
	You actually look kind of like Giselle, you know?
	That's really nice of you.
	And people are going to comment that Theo was on one when he said that.
	But I will say, no.
	He's on that dust.
	Exactly.
	Well, I will say that I have a boyfriend.
	So I was like, no.
	But he would understand.
	Yeah.
	He would.
	Yeah.
	Who's not going to understand?
	I'm not going to leave him for him.
	But if I bang Tom, like, I think he'd probably be like, you got to do it.
	Yeah.
	Get in there.
	Like, but I, that wasn't in my, I really did not think that.
	But yeah, I mean, like, I will say that, you know, I've, I've done these roles before.
	And last time I was single and I like did a bunch of jokes about wanting to fuck Blake Griffin because he was going to be there.
	And I would.
	I mean, I would.
	He's an attractive man.
	I was single.
	So I was like, I'll throw in jokes about that and just see what happens.
	And it's a joke.
	You know, like, I don't really want, it's a joke.
	But yeah, was there a little bit of like, I would, maybe, like, try me.
	Like, I'm not like just going to do, oh, oh, he'll fuck me in a bat.
	Like, if he wants to and like, he's charming.
	Like, it's a way to flirt.
	It's definitely a way to open the conversation.
	Yeah.
	So yeah.
	Oh my God.
	Okay.
	I can kind of see it.
	I mean, that's my goal.
	Like my, Giselle's the prettiest person that's ever lived.
	So I, I could get to a 9.2.
	If I keep getting the right kind of work in doctors, I could maybe get to looking like her, like, you know, her half-sister or something like that.
	Yeah.
	Like, Giselle.
	Yeah, exactly.
	People are like, whoa, dude.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Sorry.
	Like, I'm trying to think of another one.
	Jiz Zelle, but like the way you pay people.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, like, that's the ultimate hooker name, Jizzelle.
	Ah, that's great.
	That would have been a good roast joke, huh?
	That's good.
	That's good.
	No, you've got it.
	You can fucking, I was thinking your brain to write, like, next time I do a roast, I'm just going to be like, can I just send pictures of the people and you just tell me the first thing that comes to your mind?
	Because you say you're the funniest, you're one of the funniest people that's ever lived.
	Like, you are amazing.
	You would be amazing at roast jokes.
	You're able to just like look at something and break it down in a way that, yes, you do know.
	I mean, like, you've just been, maybe you don't know it, but the way your mind works and processes things is so fucking elite and cool.
	And yeah, whenever I'm feeling not funny, I'll watch some of your like compilations and stuff of just how you talk and how you think.
	And it gets my mind into a place of like more, being more creative.
	Oh, that's sweet of you to say.
	Like, I don't know if you ever feel that way.
	Like, the people you're around like make me funnier.
	Like, I absorb it.
	Oh, I think that there's a lot of truth to that.
	It's funny because, and thank you, it's true.
	It's great stuff for you to say.
	I think there was a time when my brain was really good and something happened in my brain.
	I think I might be getting a disease or something.
	No way.
	No, you're sharp as ever.
	Oh, I don't know.
	Really?
	You feel it?
	I live in here.
	Do you feel a dullness?
	I just feel like a lot of times my brain used to just give me like the craziest, like best idea, and it wouldn't even surprise me.
	And now this motherfucker's just a fucking shit.
	You might be used to it, though.
	I don't know.
	Because I haven't sensed a dip off from just observing.
	You make me laugh.
	That's what I was thinking today.
	It's like sometimes you sit in here and you have fun and this is one of those times.
	Oh, well, making you laugh is a privilege.
	But I always just come in here.
	I'm like, I'm not even going to try to be funny.
	I just want to laugh because I actually, I'm on Reddit a lot and people, comedians subreddit.
	Oh, thinking of whatever.
	Like, how many milligrams are you wanting?
	The more milligrams of Reddit somebody's on the worse they're doing, dude.
	No, I only do it at night after a long day.
	Like, I love Reddit, but they'll show me a lot of my friend comedians, and I kind of see their subreddits.
	And yours is like so beloved.
	And people like love you so much.
	And I've not participated in it, but I've like read through it.
	And like some of your, sometimes I just go through and they'll be like, what's your favorite theoism?
	And I'll just like read them.
	It's, you're brilliant.
	I don't mean to fan out, but I'm just saying like when I came in here, I'm like, oh, I'm just going to like laugh the whole time.
	That's like what it is.
	You and Tim Dylan, that episode, fuck it.
	I've listened to it a couple times.
	You both.
	No, he is.
	But he's next.
	I mean, he's next level.
	You guys are on the same level.
	I saw him at a dessert place or whatever, a dessert banquet.
	It might have even been like a dog show, but for desserts, you know.
	Okay.
	And it was like a judge or whatever.
	He was like, man, we did something that day, didn't we?
	Dude, did you ever?
	I've talked to him about it so often.
	And I just talked to someone recently who was like Theo and Tim, and we were quoting pieces of it where you guys were talking about those Uber Eats drivers, the DoorDash guys.
	DoorDash, yeah.
	You had some great lines in that.
	Like you guys, you both were just on fire.
	It was so fun.
	Oh, my God.
	That was such a great episode.
	We get together two often more often.
	This has been fun.
	I got to go do his show.
	He's like, let's let it simmer.
	Let's let it a good steak.
	He's like, just let it, you know, let's raise the calf.
	No, no, no.
	Don't raise the calf because there's no amount that we, as fans, I'm a fan of both of yours in the same way.
	And I'm not like that with every comedian.
	Like, I'm not consuming their content.
	But you guys, I would be like, the way I would be like refreshing.
	When is this going to be posted?
	I'd be so excited.
	It's my favorite.
	Yeah, he makes me laugh.
	Yeah, I've been lucky to have some neat conversations with people.
	And yeah, and it's a good way too to get to know people.
	And then this is what I start to realize, Nikki.
	It's like the most time you get to spend sometimes in a real conversation with some of the comedians is through podcasting.
	This is our, hang.
	Someone said the thing of like, did comedian, did comedians have friendships before podcasting?
	Like, what did they do?
	Like, yeah, this is, this is how I get to know people.
	This is how, this is the most we've hung out.
	We've gone to like dinners before and stuff, but like these are where we have conversations that we would never have even at dinner maybe of just like sitting and doing nothing else.
	We're not on our phones.
	Yeah.
	When are you hanging with someone not on your phone?
	So yeah, this is how I love podcasting for the friendship that you get out of it sometimes.
	It's great.
	Yeah.
	And to get to catch up and have some moments in someone's life.
	Yeah.
	Do you jockey for position with the roasts on where you get to be in the organization?
	I tried.
	You know, I said, I want to go first.
	How does that work?
	You just like wait for them to tell you what the fuck is going on because there's no, like, you don't know a lot.
	They're just like, here's who's going to be on.
	And then you find out like, oh, that person dropped out a week ago.
	And I'm like, okay, well, I've been writing about them for a week.
	Like, can you tell me?
	Like, it's kind of like.
	Like, who dropped out?
	Mike Tyson.
	And then someone else will tell you off air.
	But yeah, like there was.
	Man or woman.
	I'm going to ask three questions.
	There were actually three men that dropped off.
	Two comedians.
	Mike Tyson and then one celebrity.
	Gotcha.
	Three comedians.
	Mike Tyson.
	Two comedians.
	Two comedians.
	And they were men.
	Yeah, and I don't even know if they were confirmed.
	Maybe they were just names that were floated.
	I wish.
	Oh, because I'm friends with him enough to be like, don't drop out.
	What are you doing?
	This is great for you, you know?
	But no, it wasn't Tim.
	And don't toss any aims because I can't lie and I'll make you cut it.
	I can't think of other people.
	Oh, good.
	Great.
	I'm so glad your brain is doing exactly what you said it was doing.
	I'm telling you.
	The idea is just empty.
	Yeah.
	Dang.
	But Mike Tyson, so he didn't want to do it or he just couldn't.
	Who knows?
	He could have had something that he had to go through.
	I think at one point, Gronk was supposed to miss it.
	He was on it and then they took him off because he had to go to a wedding and then he decided to come back on.
	And I was Like, thank God he made that roast so like it wouldn't have been the same without him.
	So I'm so glad he decided to do it.
	The people that dropped out would have been great, but it wasn't like they weren't showstoppers in terms of like what's going to happen.
	They would have killed, though.
	There was one in particular that I'm like, come on, man.
	What are you doing?
	He should have done it.
	And I think he.
	Dave Hattel probably.
	I wish.
	He'd be amazing at it.
	I've never seen him do a roast, though.
	I thought too.
	But yeah, I wanted to go first because that's where I'm falling for.
	Oh, yeah.
	Right after the host.
	Just open it up and then I'm done and I can relax and just enjoy the night.
	I don't want to sit there all night like thinking about my set and like, I just want to be done.
	I always want to go first on shows.
	I just don't want to wait around and think about it.
	That's how I am during sex, dude.
	You know, and people, yeah, girls don't understand it.
	See, I want them to go first.
	And then like, so I don't have to worry about lazing.
	Yes.
	Yes.
	Yes, exactly.
	Yeah, you're the same way.
	Yes.
	Yes.
	I want to go first.
	Get my work done.
	And then I can relax and get my stuff done.
	Oh, I see what you mean.
	Like after I got you off, like now I feel like I can just relax.
	If I'm, if, like, you know, if I, it's like when you massage someone and you're like, I'll massage you after this.
	Like, I can't enjoy the massage because I'm like, I have to massage this bitch after this.
	Like, you know, so it's like kind of like that.
	But I ended up, yeah, I asked for a first spot, but you just, I don't have any power.
	I was just like, I would like to really go first if there is a chance for me.
	And I'm the least famous person on the fucking thing.
	And they go, I go, I think it would really behoove the show for me to go early.
	I've gone early in three different roasts and it worked out.
	But I don't want to also be like, the last production company did it this way.
	Right.
	Because they might go, well, then we're not doing it that way because we're doing things differently.
	So you just kind of like.
	It's just between the Comedy Central version and the Netflix version.
	You think, well, the one was it was live.
	It was live.
	So that made it totally different.
	Yeah.
	I think I didn't think about this before, but after the fact, like you can say any, like I never censored myself, but it would get bleeped.
	And bleeped things aren't as funny as just saying it.
	Sometimes they are.
	Sometimes a bleep is funnier than the word.
	Right.
	But it was 100% live.
	Like, no way.
	So scary.
	So, like, I'm not kidding you.
	I was, oh, and I've said this before on other podcasts.
	So I don't want to repeat myself, but I think we'll get into something else with this is that, dude, I have my set locked in.
	It's in the prompter.
	I just gave it right before we're going out.
	Like last minute, I'm making changes to certain words, everything.
	It's perfect.
	I submit it.
	I'm out there.
	And then Kevin Hart like does one of the jokes in my set.
	And I have, there's nothing I can do.
	There's no stop down.
	There's no commercials.
	And I'm just like, what do I do?
	And I just decided to tell it.
	Thankfully, it was our sets were separated enough that I was like, people might forget that he said that.
	But that was like, there's just, there's just, and, oh, this is another thing.
	Oh, I haven't said this before.
	Speaking of underwear, and I was going to say this and then I go, don't say this, but I think it's kind of like, what is it?
	I like right before, my period ended like a day before the roast.
	And so I was like, I'm good.
	Like I was, took out the last one.
	Like, I don't know if you know how it works.
	How many do you do?
	Cause they're almost like cigarettes.
	You don't do a whole pack, do you?
	Sometimes, like, if you're really like up.
	Oh, like.
	Yeah.
	Oh, you can go through, not in a day.
	It's in a day.
	It's about three or three, two to four in a day.
	Four on a very heavy day.
	And maybe some girls are fives, and some days, maybe a girl is a one.
	Yeah.
	I thought there was just one and then a couple days later, you take it out.
	No way, really?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, it's three or four a day.
	We all thought that.
	Really?
	Well, this is.
	Three or four a day.
	And I wouldn't expect you to know that.
	Like, it's like we're not talking about it.
	Yeah.
	You're going to need the gum to quit, dude.
	That's crazy.
	What?
	Yeah.
	I was doing medical stew.
	Oh, dude.
	Wow.
	No filter.
	But yeah, sometimes no, so.
	Why doesn't Marlborough make a tampon?
	They, they probably should, with some nicotine in it.
	That's a way to absorb it.
	I mean, you, there's one, you can soak vodka and get high if I'm doing that.
	But I, um, so I was on my last one and like, at my age, your period will stop and it'll start.
	And like, there's just those funky things.
	It's like puttering out.
	Like, it's like, we don't know what's going on.
	So I thought it was done.
	And then I'm going to, for my, right, to go to the bathroom right before we go on.
	I'm like, I'm just going to pee one last time.
	And like, it's back on.
	More period?
	It's back on.
	It went from nothing for a day.
	Nothing.
	I was done to, it's enough that something needs to be, like, I can't just like wipe it and be like, oh.
	And there's no, and I'm in the forum bathroom.
	I'm in probably forum.
	At the Kia Forum.
	I'm in the bathroom in the backstage.
	So it's like in this like kind of party area.
	It's not a bathroom that has like women's products or anything.
	So I just made a damp one with, I just went like this and just shoved it up and corked it with some toilet paper, which any girl listening has done before.
	Really?
	Like, yeah, because you either make up, you go like this and you make a pad and you put the pad like with a bunch of toilet paper, you make a pad.
	But I couldn't risk making a pad because I was wearing a thong.
	It could have just slipped out and I'm wearing a dress and it falls out.
	This like bloody napkin would fall.
	But I swear to God, I didn't tuck it that well.
	Later on after the roast, I went pee and I'm like, it was, it was loose.
	It could have fallen out.
	Can you imagine on live TV if my napkin with blood on it, like toilet paper would have fallen?
	Like, and it's not like a nice looking, it's like all crumpled up, fell out.
	Like, what would I have done?
	Like, that kind of thought goes through my mind.
	I'm like, that was so close to happening.
	So close to happening.
	It's scary.
	It's like one of those hospital scenes in Dunkirk.
	Have you seen Dunkirk?
	No, but.
	It's like a war movie.
	Even if the cameras didn't catch it, someone on the dais would have done something with it, and then it would have been a thing.
	Who would have done it?
	Let's decide right now.
	Well, Jeff Ross.
	Jeff actually probably would have saved me and just seen it and covered it up.
	He's like, yes.
	He would have said it was his.
	Like, guys.
	He would have put it in as a pocket square.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	He would have, he would have had my back.
	But.
	Yeah.
	Or you could have said, oh, he could have been like, oh, I thought what's her name was on the days, the lady from that blood movie.
	Oh, oh, the woman that talks like this.
	Yeah.
	Theranos.
	Yeah.
	Elizabeth Holmes.
	Yeah, they could have been like, oh, Elizabeth Holmes is here, guys.
	That would have been good.
	That's good.
	But yeah, like, do you ever think about things like that?
	Like, oh, my God, that could have gone so bad.
	Do you have like ways to do that?
	Anytime I've done anything.
	You're like, oh, my God, I could have said that word or what, like, it's live TV, the things I could have done.
	And I know what word it is, dude.
	And yeah.
	Sale.
	And you don't want to say it, dude.
	You can say it in your car, but.
	No, man.
	But yeah, and you don't want to say it.
	And it's like, but yeah, it's like very scary.
	Like when they do, like we did good morning football or whatever.
	Yeah.
	And it was for the SEC championship and it was live.
	And I was like, I would never let me do live TV.
	Like, I just don't even know what's going to go.
	You know, I just don't always know how I'm going to be if something gets me.
	It's so scary.
	You did.
	How did it go?
	I'm guessing it was great.
	It went okay.
	Oh my God.
	That's so scary.
	Is that Pat McAfee?
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	I love him.
	He crushed it.
	He's so great.
	It was really fun, but it was just, I never realized what it's like being live.
	And they're like, and go.
	Yes.
	Like, what?
	Yeah.
	But you've done like morning TV in like local markets.
	That's the closest we get to doing something like this because that's live, but it's like low.
	This is pretty live.
	And you can take some stuff out, but.
	Yeah, this feels live.
	And even that last thing, I'm like, oh my God, if someone out of context just hears me go say slave, that was a callback if you're joining the show late and missed it.
	Also, if you start listening to a podcast in the middle at like 47 minutes.
	But what if they're not listening in the beginning because they get like a package delivered or something and they miss that whole bit and then they keep listening and that that's the only thing?
	Well, if you don't know about slavery in America, dude, then that's your loss.
	If slavery even happened.
	Jesus Christ.
	I'm just saying they never found the boats.
	See what they bring up some of the boats.
	Bring up the marina.
	The marina.
	Bring up the marina in Charleston.
	Oh, my God.
	This is not funny.
	Marina.
	He's looking for it.
	Where did the Amistad dock is what you want to know?
	Oh, I love that movie.
	I haven't seen it.
	It's so good, man.
	Digimon Honsu.
	He's so good.
	Give us free.
	He's good in it.
	They should do, they should remake that and be like, where are they now?
	You know?
	Right.
	Tony Hinchcliffe's so good.
	Let's talk about that for a second.
	Dude, he's so good.
	Wow.
	First of all, there's nobody, and I say this out of sheer admiration.
	I talk about his show all the time.
	Yeah.
	Kill Tony gets 100,000 people watching it live on YouTube at the same time.
	I get it.
	It's so good.
	He was a rock star that night.
	I remember just, I was like front row for it and he's walking by me roasting and just like his the steadiness of his pace plus just looking like just going nice shoes sound you get those in the divorce like just boo but like just so smooth so confident who is this guy perfect way to get into it too because it starts out in the crowd and you're just like who's this guy doing a crowd bit that's like not the same as what we're doing up here dana white does his thing tony's like sitting there and uh and then it you know people know who he is obviously but
	it at that event maybe not as much yeah but he owned that room within the seconds and it just starts out slow you know it's like good joke here oh this guy knows how to write a joke oh that one was good too and then the crescendo of like as soon as he gets to the comedians and starts going down the line at us i've really felt like i was watching a rock star like it felt like a musical performance to me i told him that i'm like it was rock star levels of good like just that's walking while roasting and he told me like he almost he when he was delivering the last one about the i forget he bottom
	the king yes the king one that was just a perfect lyrically perfect joke um he said he almost fell off the stage he felt his shoe like like he had one of those moments of what if i would have fallen during that like it would have ruined i mean that would have been the worst thing ever but that almost happened like um but he he was getting killed i was so he's he yeah i saw him the other night and we both know what we're each other going through this week of like people knew of us before on a big level that i would have never expected before my career but it's like next level now and
	we're both like you're feeling this too like it's a big deal for crazy yeah it's really cool so this is do you feel like this is kind of like a new yes level in your career yes let's go dude dude it's i i i'm not being modest about because it's just undeniable like i don't i don't get recognized this much i don't like have people i've got i don't have people saying i heard someone talking about you they don't even know i know you like that's happened a hundred times like every this is a cultural event like i didn't know it was gonna it's
	it's it's really bigger than anything i could ever have done in my career it will never be a bigger moment in my career than this even if i become way bigger nothing this like like big you look a little bit like um kylie minog people tell you that no that's thank you what's that um what how was the song she sang a lot of downside i just can't get you out of my head um yeah thank you yeah oh yeah i see it
	very pretty thank you um yeah i uh there's just there was something about this and i think also this that it's the tomby effect too i think tom brady was always kept so from the public in a lot of ways like he was around but he was always a um you know he was always seemed like a safe guy you know a family man you know who tried as hard as he could to keep it together tried to keep things on his own terms yeah and even then this just blew it open yeah and
	this just blew it up i'm curious to see what it'll be like now um after the show what's it like when it ends are there like like i cannot go look him in the face right now or there's some people i can't see yeah i was like i don't need to say anything to him like he doesn't need to hear from me again like everyone's gonna run up to him like we already i already hugged him afterwards he's very nice like i don't need to bug him thank you know but if i run into him great but i just went and found my parents they were there so i was just meandered off the stage and went dm him or anything no i saw him on the way out i was walking back to
	my dressing room and he was leaving and i just said tom thank you so much like real quick because i had a really at that point i like knew we're not gonna be friends like there is a vibe that you can feel like with alec baldwin at his roast i was like that's i became friends with him after that like or friendly yeah he knows who i am he really he was endeared to me but tom i could just tell was like this is a one and done like i wasn't trying to fuck him but like there's not gonna be other he's not gonna be like oh you should come to my parties or something right um so
	i said thank you and he said um thank you so much you did great good luck with everything which is kind of like you'll never talk to me again well yeah have a nice life we never have to see each other yeah and i understand it like uh that's how i would feel too probably in his shoes but yeah that was it but afterwards it's just like you know there's a big party after yeah there's a party exactly at the forum club yeah it was fun my parents were there so i was kind of like hanging with them and uh and it was just starting to feel like a little overwhelming of something big just happened in my life
	and so it was starting to feel a little bit anxiety about i was trying to process like was that good did i go too hard what what did i what did it look like i don't know anything so it was i just kind of wanted to get out of there and i had to be on howard stern at three in the morning i had to go get up for hair and makeup so it was like finished at 10.
	it was in new york or oh it was la la but i had to throw tapes out here you had to fly away i i did a remote from here but i had to be up for hair and makeup at three in the morning i was like can i just like stay in this but i had to do a new look because that's the way it works but um yeah so i was kind of like what's next and then i had jimmy kimmel the next day so you just go into like what i have now i have to like keep doing this again and again and killing this hard and being this prepared which is just impossible because i don't have because i think well the bet you don't have to do continually do more because yeah you could burn yourself out it's it's unrealistic
	you know um i'm just trying to think of how we everybody can kind of relate to that when something kind of goes good or it seems like you level up in some way yeah how to manage that or is there anything really to manage at all and part of that is just a mirage well it's like getting a new car and you think it's going to stay new forever there's a delusion that you have of like i can just keep it this new forever it'll smell this way yeah the leather will look this shiny like and it just doesn't you can't like you can with a lot of hard work but you just aren't going to do that most people
	don't keep new cars looking good i think that's how i would relate it to people who don't maybe have the like the way i feel about a new car i'm like okay this is who i am now i'm this new car lady like i feel so much better about myself being in this new car yeah i can maintain this and you just you can you definitely can you can keep a car looking new two days later you're smoking menthols in it you're yeah you're like i'll just have one cigarette and i won't ever do this regularly i'll keep my hand way out when i smoke and then you eat but then an ash goes burns the seat and
	then it's game m's in it you're yelling queers out the window yeah i'm putting on makeup bronzers going everywhere yeah you're yelling queer out the window well sorry you're yeah but you were in clifton new jersey yeah it's not like you're just anywhere yeah yeah and that is what the queer people like to be called queer that they are queer i mean it's a term they embrace yeah beautiful queers a lot of times who yell yeah i don't yeah i don't know that even though they embrace the term they don't want it shouted out but
	maybe no you got to get out more yeah um who who was missing on the on the dais up there who was missing on the roast were there any roasters yet like who who's your mount roast more uh giraldo you know like obviously he that feels like he's missing from there someone who's just like uh is speaking from like the heart and a very personal place and i try to like you know i watched a lot of giraldo to prepare for this of like what is my actual take on these people i think we always
	remember giraldo at the roast some like it was like larry the cable guy and he just at one point just breaks and is like why are you so famous like he just can't take it it's not even it seems like it's not part of the set i don't think it was and that is like a moment that i really liked and was like okay i'd like to recreate that like how do i actually feel about this person what's my personal frustration with them yeah um i'm trying to think who else you miss like a lisa lampinelli who's more of like a um just boom boom boom and like can say some really sick twisted racist sexist
	homophobic shit and get away with it like just a sharp shooter like she wasn't there she quit comedy oh she quit she doesn't do stand-up anymore she was like it's too mean it's not who i am anymore and she was like the queen of mean that was literally her moniker and like i i going to at least lampenelle show early in my career there was no one bad like yeah she called me out one time in the audience yeah i wasn't even a comedian yet and she made fun of me i was just sitting in like the back corner so you've seen you've witnessed it she was amazing and she was just like no i don't want to do this anymore she does like self-help stuff she she still like performs
	well she lost all that weight i wonder if that changed some of her mindset in her life probably yeah she yeah she quit insult comedy and now she just does like she um she does like weight loss seminars and stuff oh good so she just wants to help people which is something i could see either both you and me getting into like uh of just like empowering people you you know you watch these ted talks and these tick tocks of people just like telling people like how to live a better life and i'm like oh i i could see myself veering into that being a life coach or something yeah being inspirational not maybe not a life coach but
	yeah like just teaching people how to like themselves more not necessarily being good at it myself but seeing how other people could and seeing um just knowing the tools to get there not that i'm necessarily picking up those tools right but sometimes people can see things easily in somebody else even if they can't see it in themselves or or adjust that for themselves it doesn't mean that they're not still a good um like you could be a good painter but you may not know your own colors or whatever you know i i used to when as a kid i remember watching gymnastics coaches like yell at the gym these little girls like you're
	doing it wrong carry strong yeah like bella corolli and i'd be like you get up on that fucking beam you asshole yeah but he can't do any of that shit but he's good at coaching so it's just like it's that that's the the kind of thing and i don't even feel like um my therapist needs i don't need my therapist to have like a great full perfect life that i want i feel like they can they're used to yeah i don't need my therapist to have a round off back handspring either yeah they don't exactly yeah i don't need i don't need them to be perfect i think you can dish it out without really doing it yourself it's hard to do yourself
	well being alive is tricky dude some people have wieners some people have vaginas yeah some people have both some people have both now imagine that i don't think now i don't think it's just getting built on that that's an interesting thing i haven't heard about gender reassignment where they want to become a hermaphrodite where they're like i want both don't get rid of my vagina let's just add on a dick next to it well how many people are born are more people born can you be born trans yes yeah you're born with both genitalia no no no no trans don't have both genitalia
	people post op trans have what they wanted they got rid of the last one the penis is turned into a vagina vagina is turned into a penis but you're born trans and then you can be uh i don't know the exact terminology but yeah yeah intersex are born with both sex characteristics 1.7 of the population are born with intersex traits but not gentalia jesus yeah that that checks out so um what does that mean people are born with both people are born with both but not one no they're not they
	said traits that means like maybe like more like kitties.
	Right.
	Okay, bigger breasts, maybe.
	Big hips or something.
	Yeah, longer lashes.
	Oh, dang.
	Oh, they look so good on men.
	Long lashes.
	Martin, you have long lashes, Martin.
	Yeah.
	So what about when women learn to masturbate?
	When does that kind of happen for women?
	Because guys talk about it a lot.
	Like, you know, I'm in these meetings and people are always talking about it.
	I'm like, when do women learn about it?
	I was so mad at my friends because all of my friends in high school were doing it.
	Some in middle school.
	Some even earlier.
	We didn't talk about it.
	We talked about everything.
	They didn't tell me about it.
	So I didn't know about it.
	What were you doing?
	Just reading or whatever?
	I didn't even do that.
	I would never, I was not, I was definitely horny in high school.
	It started late for me, but it was, it happened.
	And I didn't know what to do with it.
	I, I would like, you know, if I had an itch down there, I'd itch it and it'd be like, oh, that kind of feels good, but it wouldn't, I would never follow through.
	And it wasn't because I was like, I'm, God's watching.
	I just didn't know what to do.
	I would never have, I know like penises go in you at some point, but I would never think to put something in me.
	I was not sexually driven in that way.
	But all my friends figured out on their own.
	We were all doing, they were all doing it individually, not talking about it with each other and not talking about it with me either.
	I would have 100% done it.
	But once I found out it was a thing, I started doing it.
	Yeah.
	Once it became, I was an adult, but that was the only way I had to have information first.
	Does it add wear and tear, I feel like, to the vagina over long?
	Yeah, I mean, mine, the way I do it does.
	Really?
	Just not wear and tear, but like, you know, people just, this is not good.
	People always think all I do is talk about sex, but I just, I feel comfortable talking about it openly.
	And I think it is interesting.
	I use like the Hitachi wand.
	Oh my God.
	Is that a real, like, it's like a DeWalt or whatever?
	You can look it up.
	Hitachi wand.
	You've seen it before.
	It's like the classic, it's like in porn.
	It's like, it's like a back massager looking thing.
	It's like, looks like almost a big white mic.
	Oh, that thing could beat an egg, huh?
	That thing is.
	Oh, it's crazy.
	It's crazy.
	And so I put that in the front.
	You know, you don't put it in you.
	You can, I guess.
	But that's, I, I pretty much always use that.
	And that, um, because it's, uh, the vibrations like will make things sometimes swell, I guess.
	So I can get kind of swollen down there if I go too hard.
	But that's what I mean by beat up.
	It's not like it's like leaves permanent damage or something.
	But yeah, you've seen those before, right?
	Yeah, I've seen something like that.
	I think also.
	You should.
	They're amazing.
	Everyone should have one.
	Water pick makes that too, don't they?
	What's too intense, but I'm sure that that would work.
	If I was on the road and didn't have anything and I was really horny, I absolutely would probably try a water pick.
	We need more of it in the community, gals.
	Get out there.
	Just, I would really recommend blowing people instead of having sex with them because you can't get pregnant.
	And like, I know sometimes having sex as a woman, you go, that's, that's less scary because women are scared of being judged after sex.
	Like really, when you're young, especially, like a guy's going to think I'm bad at sucking dick.
	And so you avoid it.
	That's what I did.
	And so I would have sex before I gave a blowjob because I just wanted to do something.
	And what do you mean?
	You're talking about winging her.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And I thought that I would be judged.
	And so I had so much more sex than I should have because I was just avoiding doing this thing that I thought was high risk.
	But really, the high risk was almost getting pregnant.
	Yeah.
	You should have been blowing people definitely.
	Yeah, definitely.
	If you could go back in time.
	I would teach my daughter about blowjobs and say, this is how you do them.
	If you're interested in boys.
	Teach her?
	Yeah, I would, if I, when my daughter was starting to be sexually active, when I just sensed like she's dressing in a way that she's like, boys are liking her and she's hanging out with boys, I'd be like, listen.
	Listen in a sexy.
	They're going to want to have sex with you, but like, if you want to get a, if you, I don't think you should, but I would recommend a hand job.
	Here's, here, do that.
	And I'm not going to teach you how, but like, do your research.
	Hand jobs are where it's at.
	Well, in Native In Native American cultures, a lot of the older sibling will go out into the woods and teach the younger sibling how to masturbate.
	So there's not as much shame with it because then it's like something you like, you learn.
	You're like, oh, this is, yeah, I do it like my brother did it.
	He did it like my grandfather did it.
	Like we've all, this is how we do it, you know?
	Yeah.
	And so it's like you at least can have your own, not style of it, but it's like, then it's not something that's taboo because I remember, yeah, I remember jerking off or whatever and then just being like, oh my God, dude, I'm such a weirdo.
	God hates me.
	People think I'm everybody knows.
	I remember thinking, even though nobody knew, I thought everybody knew that I've been jerking off because like the way I was like moving or something.
	Yes.
	And I'd be like, damn, I'm walking.
	Like I've been jerking off, you know?
	And so I think I was always paranoid.
	And if people would be like, hey, what's going on?
	And I'd be like, you know, I've been jerking off.
	Oh, my God.
	The shame that people carry with them for so long.
	So much shame that just stays with you even after you like kind of are like, oh, it's not that bad.
	It's like, you can't erase it.
	Speaking of that, what else did I just see in the news?
	Oh, the Boy Scouts are changing their name.
	Did you see that, Nick?
	To the Scouts or something?
	There we go.
	Boy Scouts of America changing name to more inclusive scouting America after years of woes.
	Are the years of woes about the gender thing or just that they were molesting boys nonstop and they just want to get boys out of the title to make people not think about boys?
	Is this like a woke thing of like boys or is this about molestation and wanting to get away from that?
	There's no doubt the Catholic Church will pick the name up immediately, probably.
	They should just call themselves the Boy Scouts of America.
	Roman Catholic Church of America announced that after 114 years that it will change its name and will become Scouting America in an effort to emphasize inclusion as it works to move past the turmoil of bankruptcy and a flood of sexual abuse.
	Yeah, so it's both.
	I really think it's both Boy Scouts.
	It's just, it's a, it's a, um.
	Yeah, they've just, yeah, after some.
	We're a punchline.
	They are.
	So scouting America, I like it.
	I think it's a good move.
	The crazy thing is nobody apparently can hang out with a bunch of boys without molesting one of them.
	Well, it's just that people who are pedophiles find ways to hang out with boys.
	So that's a job that a pedophile would Get into dude.
	We had this guy, Richard Langenstein, right?
	And he is D-E-A-D now, but he had an autographed Shaquille O'Neal shoe, like a big shoe, and he would always use that to entice boys in and then try and pervert them or get them to, you know, just be perverted or wait.
	Who is this you had a guy?
	What does that mean, you had a guy?
	At first, I thought you were like, we had a guest on the show, and so then we had a man as a child in our town.
	In our town, a school teacher.
	They've been in.
	Yeah.
	It's not.
	He's like, come up with this big sneaker, you know, and you'd be over there and then he would order a couple of video games.
	Filet steaks or whatever.
	Baked potatoes and shit.
	Yeah, they have their shifty ways.
	Yeah, they have to reel you in.
	It's like the guy, the classic one is just like a man in a van with candy, but it's like they find another way of like having kids stuff.
	Arcade games, signed shoes, like any of that shit.
	Like, look out.
	If the guy in your son's life has a lot of memorabilia that 14, you know, 12, 11, 12-year-old boys enjoy, it's not because he's just in touch with his, you know, boyhood sites.
	That could be it.
	But if he's interested in your son coming over to hang out, that I would say 90% chance that person's trying to fuck your son.
	Yeah.
	And parents would be like, yeah, go, he's a nice guy.
	He's this teacher.
	And at first I'd go over there with my girlfriend, you know, and we would just be like nice people over there.
	And then he kept having my buddies come over and he would, we would all get stone with him.
	He used to smoke a lot of dope.
	Oh my god.
	And then he would like The massages.
	Testing.
	It's like they just have, they have, they all follow the same playbook.
	It's pretty like evident when you start paying attention and know about it.
	And my buddy put lotion on his back one time because he had like, what's it called when your skin kind of comes off a little?
	Yeah, psoriasis.
	Eczema, yeah.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	That's, I mean.
	And my buddy Nathan put lotion on his back.
	And he was short too, so he had to like even reach up to do it, which was fucking gay as hell.
	And one time we were in the kitchen, and I've told this story before, and my buddy Scott was in the living room, and Big Richard had ordered us a couple fillet steaks.
	Of course.
	And we'd never even had steaks, dude.
	So we were fucking losing our minds, dude.
	The parsley was in there.
	We're like, what the fuck, you know?
	And my buddy Scott, I was like, he goes, hey, can you get me some sour cream?
	He just yelled from the living room and I was in the kitchen.
	And I said, no, but you can have some of this sweet cream.
	I was just joking about semen.
	Yeah, I bet Richard liked that.
	And then you heard Richard go, can I have some?
	And all of our heads, you could feel like a secondhand tick to the next in all of our heads.
	And we're like, we, somebody's getting molested, dude.
	Not it.
	None of us are getting out of here.
	Not it.
	Yeah, not it.
	We'll finish the steak first, but I'm out.
	It just breaks my heart that that's the kind of thing.
	That happens.
	It's happening right now.
	Hundreds, thousands of places is that kind of like grooming, as they say, which is just, it's disgusting.
	But that's why you got to talk about it so people that have kids can be on alert for the stuff.
	Because you're not a bad parent if you miss it.
	Like I think some – because these guys are so – Yeah.
	You have to talk.
	If I had kids, I would tell if anyone ever, the big thing I think parents need to know from what I've learned about pedophiles and how they operate is that they do what they do, but then they tell the kid, if you tell anyone, your parents will hate you forever and they'll, or I'll kill your parents.
	Like you'll lose your parents in some way.
	And they believe them because they've already had the secret thing that's going on with this guy.
	You just need to tell your kids, if anyone ever says they can kill mommy or kill daddy or that we won't love you, just know they're lying.
	Like cement that in your kid's head that no matter who it is, no one can kill mommy.
	And maybe that's a bad thing to tell.
	Right, but no, it's not.
	You got to put that kind of stuff because that's what they use against the kids.
	And that will keep a kid from telling even the most parent that says, tell mommy if someone touches you in your bathing suit area.
	That's not enough.
	You need to say, if someone tells you that I will not love you or that I will, some, they will kill me if you tell me, it's not true.
	Right.
	That's what you got to do, I think.
	Yeah, no, I think you got to, you got to, people have to communicate to their parents, to their, to their children about everything.
	Like, yes.
	Like, if your kids aren't getting on, if they don't love each other, like, you got to teach them how to love each other.
	Like, there's so many things I think some parents maybe just think the kids know automatically.
	Yeah.
	That it's just maybe because they didn't weren't instructed, you know?
	But it's like, I think there can be more instruction out there.
	And I don't have any children, so I'm not judging.
	I'm just like, I just want to be a dad, right?
	Yeah.
	I would like to be a dad, you know.
	Oh my God, you'd be so great.
	Your kid would be so lucky.
	But my freaking wife is going to be there, and that's going to be the tough thing.
	That's the bummer.
	She'll be good too.
	You'll pick someone good.
	She'll be good.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, she'll be great.
	You're not going to fuck that up.
	And if she isn't, I don't know what happened to her, officer.
	I'm joking.
	That's my future wife might be hearing this.
	I'm looking forward to loving you.
	I don't know you yet, but I'm looking forward to loving you.
	Or maybe I do know you.
	That's so sweet.
	That's so sweet.
	That kind of shit like really gets me when it's like of like you talk to your future whatever or I think that's so cute because she will see this.
	Yeah, she might.
	Yeah.
	Well, even after you're married, she'll find someone will send her this clip or something.
	Oh, yeah.
	That's sweet.
	Yeah.
	It's nice.
	Yeah, babe.
	Yeah.
	Manifest it.
	Yeah.
	Hey, we're just watching the game and that's all we're doing.
	We're not up to no good, you know?
	Back off the coke.
	Just saying thanks to my future wife.
	What else is going on?
	Anything else in the news?
	Did you see that Peter Griffin that they found on TikTok?
	You see that guy?
	No.
	I'm not on TikTok.
	Are you?
	Real life Peter Griffin.
	Oh, wow.
	Did you ever believe that you would be a big success?
	Honestly, I just dressed like Peter Griffin at Comic-Con like 11 years ago with my friends and decided to have fun, and then it turned into this whole career thing.
	And I was like, shout out to Family Guy.
	I didn't believe people at first.
	I was like, they did not shout me out on Family Guy.
	And then people were sending me the clips.
	I'm like, oh, they should, they really, dude?
	So it's been quite a trip.
	I enjoy it tremendously.
	I like making people laugh and making them happy and pet that kind of stuff.
	So I love him.
	He sounds exactly like him.
	Yeah, he does.
	He's amazing.
	My buddy Danny looks like the wife.
	What's her name?
	Lois.
	Lois.
	Lois Griffin.
	Yeah, my buddy Danny.
	Wait, your buddy Danny looks like her?
	Yeah, and I'll put a side by side if Danny allows me to ask him after we tape and ask him and see if I can put it in.
	Yeah.
	He took us fishing once in Illinois up there in Stark County, Illinois.
	They got a beautiful male Lois Griffin lookalike.
	This is insane.
	That guy, he does a good job.
	Yeah.
	What about you have your new special is out?
	Yeah.
	HBO.
	Someday You'll Die is the name of it.
	What a great time for all the extra hype then, right?
	Dude, it all just timed out perfectly.
	What are the freaking odds of that?
	I just am only lucky.
	Sometimes you just go, man, I lucked out.
	And there's been a lot of times I'm not lucky in this business and it could have kept going like that.
	But it was, yeah, it just was great.
	So it's a little bit of pressure of being like, well, my stand-up is not roast.
	Right.
	Like that's tight, like refined.
	And my stand-up's a little bit more, it's different.
	And so I'm like, I hope people don't expect that.
	And, but it's, I, I love it and it's, it's beautiful looking.
	And I worked really hard on it and I wrote a song.
	I wrote my first song.
	I have a single out right now.
	Dude, I know.
	And here's the thing is like, I would never bring it up if I thought at all it wasn't good.
	But I'm, it's like one of the things I'm most proud of in my whole life I've ever done.
	I wrote my first song and it's like, I'm not kidding you, it's a hit.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	I like, my voice, like, I'm going to get better at singing, but my songwriting is fucking, I feel really proud of it.
	It's like a pop song that I like.
	Can we listen to it?
	Yeah.
	Honestly, I would love for you to.
	And I would never in a million years watch a stand-up clip with you of mine.
	Do you know what I mean?
	But this, I'm like, yeah, play it.
	Hit it.
	Well, first, I want to say, yeah, last night I went to my buddy Walker Bueller's house, and he's a pitcher.
	He was on, he was a previous guest on here.
	He's a Dodgers pitcher and his wife, Mackenzie, they just had a new baby.
	Bring up that baby.
	This baby is so cute.
	If you can find a pitcher.
	But I was over there and she was saying that they saw you on the roast and then that she went and watched your special and really enjoyed it.
	Oh, really?
	Oh, nice.
	Just so you're getting like some immediate feelings.
	Thank you.
	No, that feels so good.
	Oh, she's so cute.
	Oh, congrats to them.
	Oh, yeah, dude.
	It was cool.
	They're so happy.
	They were.
	They were so exciting.
	They really were.
	She was perfect.
	It was cool to see.
	Yes, she's even cuter now.
	She looks a little bit like George Costanza right there.
	No shade.
	He's beautiful.
	He's amazing.
	But she's a little older now.
	But anyway, that was one of the highlights of my week was getting to go see their kiddo.
	But they mentioned that they saw that you were special.
	Okay, good.
	No, I love it.
	It's just, you know, you just like all eyes on you.
	You just are like, I got to keep this up.
	People are saying I'm fantastic.
	If I even drop the ball a little bit, people will be like, no, she's actually not.
	And then I'm scared it's going to go away.
	But I'm not embracing it too.
	I'm like not letting it in that much because I'm scared it's going to go away.
	You ever do that?
	Yeah.
	Well, I think there's like, if things are going good, there's a level of also just being in a place where it's like, okay, I don't have to slam.
	I don't have, things are already, I'm already going downhill.
	So if I add acceleration, then that's when things get scary.
	I'm already, or I'm already at, you know, increasing speed.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So if you add like, but people are like, you know, you have to throw gas on the fire while it's going, but I don't know if I always believe, I don't know if I always believe that.
	Yeah.
	You know, this is it.
	So this is, this is a real song.
	Dude, okay.
	So the reason it even got made is like, I've been, during COVID, I learned how to play guitar and I started singing and I was like, I would like to like be able to like play at a coffee shop, just like with a wig on or something.
	If I was famous enough that people would go, that's Nicky Glazer.
	But generally I was like, oh, I could probably just do this under a different name or something.
	It's like literally coffee.
	Yeah, just a coffee shop because my dad plays locally at grocery stores and restaurants and bars and grills.
	Was your dad an astronaut?
	No, he was in the cable business, but close.
	And so he, but he plays music now and he's a really good musician.
	So that's all I aspired to was like, oh, I'll just do that.
	But then when I was making my special and editing it, we were like, what music do you want to use over the credits?
	And I was like, I gave a bunch of songs because I care about the credits.
	Like I like that song to like hit at the end.
	So I had a bunch of ideas, but they were like $30,000 a piece and we were over budget.
	So it would have come out of my money, which I would have paid if it was like, but I was like, no, I'll just, what if I wrote a song?
	And, you know, my producing team was like, you can.
	And I was like, oh, okay.
	So I just hired a producer from Chicago to come down to St. Louis.
	I flew him down, put him up and he was a friend of a friend.
	And then I had my other buddy, Tim Convey, who's been in bands.
	We all got together.
	And then the night before I was like, I want to bring a song.
	I don't want someone to write a song for me.
	Like, I want to write it.
	And maybe it'll suck.
	And then I'll use their song.
	But I just wrote the song the night before we went into the studio.
	And then the next day, I was just like, I've never written a song in my life.
	Like, I've written like parody songs to songs that have already been written.
	But like from coming up with the melody and everything, like it was, and I was like, oh, this is actually good.
	Like, it was kind of like the way I felt the first time I did stand up where I was like, I think I'm kind of good at this.
	Like, I'm not great yet.
	No, but look, I'm not a good fit.
	I have potential.
	Having some confidence in trying something new is huge, you know?
	Because I think everybody wants to try different things, you know?
	And even if it sucked, I'd still keep going, but I'm just like, I think I just got like, you know, it's you, the first set you have is was really good because you wouldn't keep doing it.
	And I think that's like, I'll write some real shitty songs, but I think I wrote a really good song.
	Amen.
	Y'all want to hear it?
	We'll listen to a second.
	Yeah, I want to get a DJ table too.
	Because even if you're good at that, you're still dumb as fuck.
	What do you like?
	What's your like kind of extracurricular that you want to be really good at that maybe is people are like, no one needs that from you, Theo.
	Like kind of like, you know, we like you for this.
	Stop trying this other thing.
	Is there any sport or sometimes I would think yoga?
	Yeah.
	DJing.
	How often do you do yoga?
	Three times a week.
	Oh, that's a lot.
	So you're getting good.
	And you've been doing it a while.
	I feel good.
	Yeah.
	It feels pretty good when I do it.
	What else?
	Maybe pickleball.
	Yeah.
	Artwork.
	Yeah.
	Oh.
	And violin and sex, maybe.
	Wait, violin, really?
	You play violin?
	I just think it would be remarkable to be able, it would just shock the world.
	Even if you're four years in, you will blow people's minds at how good you can be just with a little bit of work.
	Amazing.
	I could see it.
	Thank you.
	And what else?
	Oh, harp is kind of gay, I think.
	But I would like to, I would be willing to date a woman that was a nurse or could play harp.
	Okay.
	Dude, I was on this ayahuasca one time.
	I was on this ayahuasca ceremony, and we're sitting in this room, and me and my buddy are dying laughing so hard.
	They like kicked us out of the ceremony because we were laughing so hard.
	Then somebody came up to us outside of the ceremony.
	It's like 3 a.m.
	in the middle of nowhere.
	And like, hey, you guys are laughing too loud.
	You have to go back inside.
	I'm like, we just got kicked out.
	Thank God.
	Are you kicking us?
	They don't want us in there.
	They're like, now they're puking.
	They can't go back in.
	They're distracted.
	But we were sitting in this one room and we were like having like this, went in this trance kind of like this meditation moment pretty deep.
	And this girl was playing a harp just over in the corner.
	Like she was, she'd come out and she had a harp and she was sitting there just playing it kind of.
	And then at one point, this guy's like, hey, you can play that harp a little louder if you want to.
	Because she was playing real quietly because it was a real quiet environment.
	And she goes, who, me?
	And we're like, and we just died fucking laughing.
	Like, you think there's another fucking harp while you're out of here?
	It was just weird to tell this story.
	I loved it.
	Let's hear it.
	This is Nikki Glazer.
	Someday you'll die.
	I can't film my medications.
	I'm at home under the spell.
	I wish all things were freedom just because I knew it well.
	Sometimes I wanna give up, but I know I'll never try.
	And I don't even have to, cause someday I'll die.
	Someday I'll die.
	Bro.
	I've lost control just from school.
	Why can't I look like that girl?
	She lonely will let you have what's all this for?
	Who's keeping more?
	I've wasted so much life trying to be someone that I'm not.
	Amen, huh?
	That's good.
	Let's leave them.
	Let's let him.
	Let's make them want to go.
	Let's make them go have to listen.
	Song of the summer, someday you'll die.
	Dude, I could see that being remixed by some DJs.
	Yes, do it.
	You know what I'm talking about?
	You got the equipment?
	Well, I'm ordering some stuff online.
	Yeah.
	People do something with that song.
	Do whatever you want.
	Yeah.
	But I don't have to because someday you'll die.
	It's like, yeah.
	Yeah.
	It's like, that's what I kind of feel sometimes is like I have suicidal thoughts when I get depressed and it soothes me because I just the idea of it, people go, oh, that's so sad.
	You think about killing yourself?
	I'm like, no, dude, I need to think about that because it relaxes me to be like, someday this will be over.
	It's okay.
	But then also, that's also the fear is someday I'll die.
	Holy fuck.
	You know, it's both.
	So I just, yeah, it's, that's what my whole special is about, really.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Just like dealing with the fear of death while also really wanting it sometimes because it's just life is too fucking hard.
	Well, yeah, sometimes I think about how much sleep you get when you're able to die and the rest.
	Yeah.
	It's like you almost feel like, you know what, I could sleep for about 80 years.
	Yeah.
	So you wonder how long until God like sparks you back up or whatever.
	Yeah.
	You know, or I think sometimes it's quick and then sometimes you just wait around for a minute because you're not, I don't, I don't, I don't, who knows what happens, but yeah.
	Sometimes it feels like death will be like, oh, God, I have a vacation coming up.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I think sometimes death's like, yeah, we got a good one here.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And then sometimes it's like, no, I don't want to leave.
	It's like, it's both.
	But I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to think about death and be soothed by it.
	Sometimes I used to feel like I was really something wrong with me that I felt that, but it makes sense.
	It's like, it's just, I just want to think about it.
	I'm not going to do anything about it.
	I know I'll never kill myself, but sometimes I think about it and it makes me feel like I have a little bit of control and that there is a way out if I want it.
	Even though I'm not going to do it, just let me just fantasize sometimes.
	And it's not good for you, but I do go there and I'm not ashamed of it anymore, I guess.
	Well, I think thinking about that sort of stuff is fascinating.
	You know, it's interesting because we've also determined like everybody that has a thought that's not positive, that something is wrong with them, you know, when people like some of the most like morose writers and stuff of our time have thought about some of the most depraved and darkest things.
	You know, if you look at like Nietzsche or Edgar Allan Poe, dude, or the guy that wrote Da Vinci Code.
	Yeah.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Stays with Maury.
	Yeah.
	No, it's true.
	It's like, you got to go there.
	I know you think about it.
	Yeah.
	But sometimes I get scared to think about it, but it's really a brave thing to go think about, too.
	Oh, I think your brain won't let you think about it for longer than like there's some kind of statistic about longer than 90 seconds or something because your brain just can't handle it.
	That's pretty crazy, isn't it?
	It is.
	It's interesting.
	Yeah.
	And it sucks that we all have to do it.
	That's what I don't like.
	Like sometimes I forget I have to die someday and I'll be just looking out a plain window letting my mom wonder and I'm like, oh fuck, I have to die some shit.
	Fuck.
	Fuck.
	Like it's almost like you forget.
	You're like, oh no, I got to do that.
	Like it's just like I left the oven on.
	Yeah.
	I have to, yes, exactly.
	That same feeling.
	Like I'm going to miss this or I'm going to miss this person.
	I got to get my passport updated.
	Shit.
	Yeah.
	I got to do that.
	Remember to do that.
	Oh, I don't want to, but yeah.
	Or all the emails that you left your shoes in the hallway.
	That'd be like the thought I'm having when I'm dying.
	Like, fuck, dude.
	I left those fucking shoes in the hallway.
	What's the problem with that?
	Well, they should be in the closet.
	What's going to happen if they're not?
	I don't know.
	I just won't die the right way or something.
	It's like OCD.
	It won't go into time.
	I won't go into the filing cabinet of the heavens the correct way.
	Like, fuck, dude.
	you fucking left the heat on.
	Well, I have that OCD thing too, sometimes of like, if this thing I don't do right, then this other thing will go horribly.
	And I had that right before the roast.
	I was like trying to remember a lyric and I was like, if you can't remember this lyric, like, you know, when your brain just makes a roll and you're like, yes, you better fucking remember this lyric.
	And I couldn't.
	I didn't, I failed my little test.
	And I was like, okay, it's set in stone.
	I'm going to fail on the roast.
	And let me just tell you, it didn't happen.
	So OCD is like when it's not always real.
	Like, because it was set in stone.
	God made that assignment for me to remember that lyric.
	I failed the test.
	Therefore, I was going to be punished.
	And my OC was wrong.
	So that like, that gave me, I was so happy when it went right because I was like, okay, good.
	That isn't real.
	That thing that happened to me all the time is not real.
	All the time when I was a kid, it would be like, I'd run and try to jump and touch a brand.
	It's like, if you can't touch that branch, you're a little f ⁇ or something.
	And then I would run and I would not be able to touch it.
	And I'm like, God dang it, dude.
	You know?
	Yes, we do it.
	Well, I do it all the time still.
	And it's not true.
	Babies, where are they?
	Huh?
	Whitney did it.
	Not me.
	Wow.
	I'll adopt if I want them.
	You need to have your baby fight her baby, though.
	That would be fun.
	It's not going to happen.
	Unless I'll adopt a child that is the age that hers is so we can do a fair thing in the same way.
	What brand are you going to adopt?
	Whatever's available.
	I'm kind of like, I would never go.
	Like, I want it to look like this.
	I'm the same way with dogs.
	Like, I'm not like, I want, I want to rescue you, but I want it to be a little white dog or whatever it is.
	I just take whatever they gave me.
	But of course, you hope for like a cute kid.
	Yeah.
	I want them to be a cute kid and smart and all.
	And, but I feel like, yeah, I don't know.
	I don't think it's for me unless I find someone who really wants to be a very hands-on father, almost in a maternity, like as present as a mom would be.
	Cause I really like to work and I like traveling still and stuff like that.
	And I think that's more of a father role.
	Work is my relationship, I realized over the years.
	Yeah, me too.
	It's like the thing that I felt, I don't know if I fell in love with it, but, and it's really a relationship I have.
	It's like I wake up with it.
	I go to bed with it.
	It's like part of my life.
	It's like the biggest part of my life.
	Yeah, it pays off.
	It is.
	Yeah, it is.
	But at some point, you can start coasting a little bit and let in something else.
	Yeah, maybe so.
	I'm projecting to myself.
	Maybe something with some tits on it.
	You feel me?
	You deserve it.
	Thanks, dude.
	Or get your own.
	That's how it is now.
	That's a lot of dudes, huh?
	A lot of dudes are like, oh, I ain't going to meet these chicks.
	I'll just get some tits put on.
	I don't think that's how it works.
	Really?
	No, I don't think men are transitioning to women so that they can.
	I'll show these bitches.
	I'll be one of them.
	You can't titty fuck yourself, right?
	But you can look at them.
	You can suck your own, I guess.
	Yeah, you can look at it.
	Yeah, but dude, you don't want to sip where you eat.
	You know what I'm saying, dude?
	I think, or whatever.
	You do.
	I don't know what the statement is.
	Nikki Glazer, thank you for roasting Tom Brady, dude.
	What a crazy thing to get to do.
	So crazy.
	So cool.
	Yeah, yeah.
	A legend.
	Is he beautiful in person?
	So handsome, but almost like unreal looking.
	I had a joke for a while that was like, I want to put a knife through you to make sure you're not cake.
	You know, like he looks cake.
	He looks like his wax figurine was, they were like, we don't have enough wax to make it look like as waxy as he does.
	He looks unreal because he's had really good work done.
	Yeah.
	He's a good looking man, but it's almost too perfect.
	I was intimidating to look at.
	Has he had work done, you think?
	Oh, yeah.
	Really?
	It'd be crazy if he didn't.
	He's got all that money.
	He's got a wife that is like the most stunningly beautiful woman ever.
	You kind of want to raise to that level.
	She's got good people working on her.
	I'm sure she's a natural 10, but she's also, she's gone up to 12, I would say, with the right work.
	So yeah, he's definitely done stuff.
	He's definitely done stuff.
	And I don't begrudge him.
	He did good stuff.
	He looks great.
	Beautiful man.
	Beautiful guy.
	Beautiful man.
	Yeah.
	Nikki Glazer, great to spend time with you.
	So fun to be able to do that.
	Love you.
	Congratulations.
	Love you, too.
	Thank you.
	Now I'm just floating on the breeze.
	And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found.
	I can feel it in my bones.

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