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May 2, 2024 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

01:40:56

E499 Celeste Barber

Celeste Barber is an Australian comedian known for her stand-up, viral videos on social media, and her Netflix show “Wellmania”. She is currently touring the U.S. now through June. Theo is joined by Celeste Barber during his trip to Australia, chatting about the differences between Aussies and Americans, the strange Giraffe they use to warn kids about drugs, her own journey with mental health, awkward puberty talks with her kids, why backup dancers are the real unsung heroes, and more. Celeste Barber: https://www.instagram.com/celestebarber/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Morgan & Morgan: If you’re ever injured, visit https://forthepeople.com/thispastweekend or dial Pound LAW (#529). Their fee is free unless they win. Valor Recovery: To learn more about Valor Recovery please visit them at www.valorrecoverycoaching.com or email them at admin@valorrecoverycoaching.com Blue Cube: Follow @BlueCubeBaths on Instagram for a chance to win your own cold plunge this Spring and Summer! They will announce the giveaway soon… Modiphy: Visit https://www.modiphy.com/theovon for 50% off the Last Website You’ll Ever Need. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	Today's episode was filmed when I was down in Australia, and she's probably one of the biggest comedians in Australia.
	She's well known for her viral clips online.
	She's hilarious, her Netflix show Well Mania, and she's currently touring the U.S. right now.
	Today's guest is Celeste Barber.
	Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I'll be singing I'm gonna stay I'm gonna stay
	11 minutes ago, my Australia New Zealand tour went on sale.
	No, we're not.
	So I'm just being a little bit obnoxious for 30 seconds.
	You want to check the stats?
	To make sure, know that it has uploaded because Instagram has become really needy.
	I don't know if you've noticed.
	Yeah.
	When you post, you've got to keep the app open for it to upload.
	You can't just post and then walk away, Renee.
	Yeah.
	And it does its thing.
	It's like, it's needy.
	Let's make sure that it's up.
	Well, I'm just going to sit there with a video of myself playing while I sit with you and talk about myself.
	It's kind of the world we're in.
	It's like you will see somebody editing a photo of themselves and writing in their diary at the same time, you know?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, exactly.
	It's really bizarre.
	I always say that to people when they're about like press and stuff.
	They're like, oh, you know, the press are running shit on me.
	They're running shit on me.
	And I'm like, I haven't seen it.
	You're in a fucking vortex of yourself, right?
	Yeah.
	They're like, oh, no, it's everywhere.
	And I'm like, turn Google alerts off on yourself.
	Turn them off.
	You don't need to get Google alerts about yourself every fucking 10 minutes.
	You pull this in?
	Do you care if we start or no?
	No, I don't care at all.
	Sorry, I'm doing great.
	I also have been in a hotel for four nights, which buckles my voice.
	So I sound like a preperson teenager.
	Why?
	Do you think the air in there is bad or something?
	Yeah.
	The rooms are so expensive.
	Maybe they put cheap air in the room.
	Well, yeah.
	And just I need natural air.
	But when, you know, hotels are fancy, they don't.
	Well, some of them are so expensive, dude.
	I've been in ones where it's like, it's so, you're like, I'm not even going to sleep.
	If I even blink my eyes, it's going to cost me 30 bucks.
	Oh, absolutely.
	I stayed up.
	Yeah, I remember the first night I stayed in like a really fancy place.
	I stayed up all night.
	I was like, I'm not going to waste the money.
	You're going to get paid to sleep.
	They're going to charge you to go to sleep.
	Yeah, I came here to fucking use this place, you know.
	But also, I think I read one of the books or something in the hospital.
	I started reading a couple chats.
	Just to get your money, you know, it's like.
	Your money's worth.
	Yeah.
	You want to get your money's worth.
	I left the water going for a couple hours, I remember.
	Do you travel with anything specifically?
	No, just usually a little bit of hairspray, I guess.
	But what else do I like to have in my room?
	Water?
	Oh, Powerade or Gatorade?
	Couple butterscotches?
	What else do you like?
	Well, when I travel, like in a hotel, I have to take my pillow.
	I've got to take my pillow with me.
	I've become that girl.
	But even with water now, I love it.
	In the hotel I was just in, had some couple of bottles of water and it said complimentary.
	It's like, yeah, no shit.
	It's fucking water.
	But they're like just pointing out this bit, complimentary.
	Yeah.
	$5,000 a fucking night to stay here.
	The least you can do.
	You need some complimentary water.
	Yeah, it's so true.
	And sometimes it'll say like $13 water.
	They'll have like the complimentary ones, like the little ones that.
	That's like a thimble of fucking water.
	And the little ones sometimes are even like warmer somehow.
	It's like they want it to seem like maybe it's been already used once or something.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You're not that special.
	Someone else has run this around their mouth, spat it back in, and now you can have for free.
	Some lord has been using this.
	Seinfeld walked past this door.
	Now you get to have free water.
	And then they'll have the larger cool bottle next to it.
	It'll say like still water or deceased water.
	Deceased water.
	And it's always in a sexy bottle.
	It's like, well, I don't want that shitty water.
	I want the sexy water.
	Yeah.
	And you have to remortgage your house to fucking pay for it.
	Is this free water?
	Yeah, yeah, that's free.
	Thank you.
	That's free.
	We'll come in with a nicer one on a tray in a little bit.
	How much will that cost me?
	Dude, you know what's interesting about Celeste Baba?
	Sure.
	Nice to see you.
	Wow, you drink kind of like a careful.
	Sorry.
	Beautiful, talented woman.
	Thank you so much.
	Also, happy International Women's Day.
	Is it today?
	What do you fucking mean?
	What do you mean?
	I knew it was this year.
	Yeah, what?
	Yeah.
	Once a year we get it.
	We're allowed to be ladies once a year.
	I'm so excited.
	Yeah.
	Are you celebrating?
	Here, this is it.
	Oh, that's awesome.
	Yeah.
	This is international.
	Yes, it is.
	Yeah, and I'm excited to learn about women and Australian women.
	Yeah, because we've been here for a couple of weeks.
	One thing that's interesting, you guys call it a toilet that I think is really.
	What do you call it?
	It's the bathroom, right?
	Oh, yes, yeah, yeah.
	Toilet is way more accurate, I was realizing, because yeah, nobody like bathes in there.
	You don't ever go in there.
	There's somebody like in a restaurant.
	Yeah, right.
	You mean like at a restaurant?
	Singing in the rain.
	Gene Kelly's just sitting in there singing.
	Yeah, right.
	Walk in there and there's an Indian guy just like, do you want some bubble bath?
	You know?
	So toilet is way more accurate.
	I really appreciate that.
	I appreciate the accuracy of things here.
	Actually, that is, yeah, that's true.
	When I'm in the States, I've been, you know, in a restaurant or whatever, and I'm like, hi, whereabouts is your toilet?
	Or I say, have you guys got a toilet?
	And they're like, yes.
	Like, I'm like, where is it?
	They're like, oh, the restroom is over there.
	Oh, right.
	They're like, why are you being so specific?
	But even restroom is horrible.
	It's like, if you walked in there and somebody was sleeping, just goldilocking in there under the sinks or whatever, you would be so alive.
	Just full of people with narcolepsy.
	Like at the koala park?
	Yes.
	Have you done the whole koala park thing?
	We went there.
	A lot of them look, I want to say kind of semi-Korean, I want to say a little bit.
	they're beautiful animals.
	A lot of them are definitely unemployed, it look like.
	If you go in the one area where they're all just sleeping in the fucking branches or whatever.
	Yeah.
	Did you touch one?
	No, I didn't touch one.
	Where did you see them?
	Where did you go?
	We went to the Brisbane Forest Hills.
	It's not a cemetery.
	What's it called?
	Sanctuary.
	No, it's not a cemetery.
	Yeah, sanctuary.
	Yeah, right.
	That'd be fucking weird.
	It's just a Ouija board and they're like, we promise you're petting it.
	Yeah, and koalas are now endangered species in Australia after the hideous bushfires we had.
	Yeah.
	So when you said that, I was like, oh, God, that's heartbreaking.
	My favourite animal.
	They're the fucking colours.
	Are you serious?
	I know that's really cliched, but a few years ago, I got to hold one.
	And it was just, it was unbelievable.
	Her name was Lucy.
	And I fucking fell in love with her.
	They're really heavy and really dense.
	So they kind of cling.
	But then they turn like really, they can kind of turn.
	They've got, they're really horny.
	Yeah, when they're on heat, they were like chasing after my husband.
	Oh, yeah, like the Irish.
	Yeah, and I'm like, bitch, back off.
	Yeah, exactly like the Irish.
	Oh, the Irish are the only humans that actually get in a heat and they just can't handle it, you know?
	You'll see them rubbing up against a damn hydrant in the street.
	Where have you been in Ireland?
	Where have you been in Ireland?
	Oh, Irish are everywhere.
	Yeah, they'll pop up anywhere.
	But on the internet, they have a lot of videos of Irish hydrant action or whatever.
	I have not seen a lot of that.
	Now, at the park we went to, there was an instance.
	There's a lot of kangaroos, right?
	And a lot of them are, I don't want to say opiates have hit the area or whatever, but there's a lot of them that are resting a lot, right?
	Just lounging.
	But that's what you want.
	You don't want to be near them when they're not chilled.
	They'll knock you the fuck out.
	Like they're incredible.
	So you want to be around the ones that are chilled in the restroom.
	Okay.
	There was one that got up.
	I don't know if he wanted a midnight snack or what.
	He was like waiting to meet the dealer, it felt like.
	He was huge.
	He had a watch on, which I thought was kind of crazy.
	He had a whoop bracelet on.
	His tail had a, it was like diamond encrusted.
	Like he was like the final boss, it felt like called everyone bitch.
	He was that guy.
	I know that guy.
	Yeah.
	Oh, he called me a f ⁇ at one point.
	We'll bleep that out, but he did.
	Okay.
	I felt horrible.
	I was like, Jesus, is this, what does he know about me that I don't know?
	You know, yeah, I don't have a wife, but come on, guy.
	Anyway, oh, being in Australia and nice to be in your country.
	What other words are weird?
	Restroom for you?
	Restroom.
	The audiences are more nonchalant here.
	Yeah, we kind of don't care.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It's interesting.
	Like you'll come out on stage and maybe a couple people get up, you know?
	Yeah.
	It's so different in America.
	I've noticed that.
	When I'm over there on stage, it's the first, I reckon five, seven minutes.
	I'm like, calm the fuck down.
	Like sit down and then I can talk to you.
	It's just, it's bananas.
	But here in Australia, kind of walk out.
	Everyone's like, all right, bitch, prove it.
	What do you got?
	Oh, is that what they're thinking?
	Yeah, we have this thing like a tall poppy syndrome in Australia where you get too big, we'll cut you down.
	We'll bring you back down to earth.
	Oh, like that Petraeus.
	Like who was that runner, that guy who shot, killed his wife?
	Was that here?
	No, that is not us.
	That is the story.
	Yeah, no.
	He was fucking horrible.
	That was horrible, that whole thing.
	No, he's not Australian.
	He's South African.
	Oh, yeah.
	I fucking hope.
	If he's not, don't run that because that's shit if I say that that guy is.
	He's South African.
	Yeah, yeah.
	He started getting fast, Mike Cliff.
	You got to work for it here.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah.
	That's fair.
	Yeah, we don't.
	Celebrity culture.
	Where are we at?
	Oscar Bastori is granted parole after serving 10 years for the murder of Reva Steenkamp.
	Wow.
	10 years isn't fucking enough.
	I agree.
	Especially on International Women's Day.
	Fucking hell.
	South African people.
	Which is just one day, remember?
	Just today.
	Yeah.
	And I vote, give them a couple days.
	Yeah, right?
	Even just like a day and a half.
	Like, fuck off.
	And they gave you, what is today, Wednesday?
	Thursday?
	It's Friday.
	Oh, it is Friday.
	But sure.
	Yeah.
	But give the A. Give these bitches a staff.
	I know.
	Imagine if he gave us a Sunday.
	No, we need small steps, guys.
	Small steps.
	The peace.
	Bring that back up.
	South African Paralympian Oscar Prestorius has been granted parole effective January 5th, 2024, after serving 10 years for the 2013 murder of his girlfriend, Riva Steenkamp, known as the Blade Runner for his carbon fiber prosthetic legs.
	He went from a public hero to a convicted killer.
	Wow.
	That would be so crazy getting out of jail.
	Fucking hell.
	That guy needs to go back in, huh?
	2013.
	I didn't know that was that.
	Yeah, he needs to absolutely go back in.
	The parole hearing took place at the Adderidge Correctional Center near the capital, Pretoria, where Pistorius has served the majority of his sentence.
	And what's he doing now?
	tell me he's not running again.
	That's for damn sure he is.
	And I'm not going to let him.
	No.
	Ms. Steencamp's parents gave an interview to a British newspaper in February for the 10th anniversary of their daughter's death and said that they had not forgiven Pistorius.
	No, me either.
	Yeah, me neither.
	That guy seemed like he just was.
	Gross.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Oh, go away.
	No good.
	No.
	God.
	Anyway, I'm really, that shouldn't have talked about that.
	Anyway, that's okay.
	Horny koalas.
	You're going to the States, so you have a U.S. tour.
	Yeah, we have a U.S. tour.
	What does that feel like?
	It's a lot going to another country and touring.
	It is a lot.
	I just find touring a lot.
	I find the whole thing a lot.
	It's a lot.
	Yeah.
	But most of my audience is in the States.
	And most of the money's in the States.
	Is it?
	Yeah.
	So I go and do that.
	I go.
	My first show is May 2nd for Netflix is a Joke in LA.
	Oh, wow.
	Opening night of the festival on stage at the same time as Seinfeld down the road.
	So I reckon six people will be at my show.
	I don't know.
	Seinfeld's getting older.
	I'd go to Seinfeld.
	Yeah.
	I'm funny.
	What if you're at Seinfeld?
	Yeah.
	Sign up on stage.
	Sorry.
	Yeah.
	100 meters down the road.
	I think it just depends.
	Yeah, there's just different, there's so many different audiences now.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	The internet, right?
	It makes everything so much bigger and smaller.
	Do you feel like, because a lot of your popularity came off the internet, right?
	Like a lot of, same for me, right?
	Like a lot of like, or people seeing me, right?
	Because it's just getting eyeballs to see you.
	So did you feel like you had to, like you had to make that up when you get on the stage?
	Because sometimes it's scary, I feel like if you get the publicity before you are to back it up.
	Right.
	Yeah, no, I absolutely felt that.
	I kind of, I, it was really important to me that I bridged that gap because the internet is free, right?
	So, you know, you've got millions of followers, but it doesn't fucking cost them anything.
	So how many followers do you, you know, how loyal are people?
	People are, I love you, I love you because you're free, bitch, and you're on my, in my hand when I'm on the toilet, I'm good.
	But then I wanted to see how that translated and it translated very well, you know, sold out shows.
	But I, I really wanted to prove my stripes because I trained as an actor.
	That was always my thing.
	But I started the Instagram stuff because I couldn't get a fucking job.
	Yeah.
	So I did that.
	And then, you know, it blew up.
	And I didn't want to just, yeah, like you say, just kind of be on stage and people be like, oh, you better hear.
	So I wanted to make sure that it translates well.
	It's so funny to say that there's something scary in a way.
	I've thought about this about people coming to see you live because you're like, if they already like me, then all I'm doing is risking them not liking me.
	Absolutely.
	And it's fucking, there's something that's kind of like harrowing about it.
	Like there's, there's times where I'm like, gosh, I just, if they already like me, I'm maybe we're good.
	Yeah, like, what the fuck am I doing?
	Why am I, yeah, it's like, well, they like me and now I'm going to do a tour to see if they really like me.
	It's like fucking amasochistic.
	Like, what is that?
	It's like, prove it.
	Prove it that you like me.
	Yeah.
	You know, because of the parodies and stuff I do on Instagram at first, people are like, are you just going to kind of come on stage and then just like change into different costumes?
	So I thought, you know, it's that tricky thing of going, well, do I give an already excellent, strong audience more of what I've already given them and what it seems like they want?
	Or do I give them what I think would be a better show?
	So, you know, like, what the fuck do you do there?
	I know.
	It's scary.
	Yeah.
	And then you just keep fucking going out and doing it.
	And again, you know, you sell a show, you sell a tour, it goes really well.
	And you're like, oh, cool.
	They do like me, but it's not enough.
	So now I'm doing another fucking tour and now I'm panicking about that.
	Like, what is that that we do?
	It's so masochistic.
	Just stop.
	Just start selling water.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Make money that way.
	Stop making things hard for yourself, Celeste.
	Yeah.
	Stop making things hard for yourself.
	Yeah, I wonder.
	There's definitely a, I have this thing like, I want to make sure that I get to see every, like I'll go to all the markets.
	Like I'll try and go perform at all the markets.
	Like some people will go to the big city.
	I'll go to like, as like, I mean, I can't, you can't go to like towns really, but there's like fantasy in my head where I'm just on a bus like and we just set up a tent and we do the show in a town.
	Just like, I just want to get every, I want to, yeah, I want to interact with everybody.
	You want to reach everybody, but the, the weird thing is we do on our phones.
	I know.
	I guess it's so ridiculous.
	Like, but I have, yeah, I think I have this romantic version, this old school version, you know?
	Yeah, absolutely.
	That I romanticize sometimes.
	Have you done a tour bus?
	Do you do tour buses?
	Yep.
	I've done a tour bus.
	Oh, we've tried everything.
	We tried the motorcycle with the little thing on the side of it.
	Oh, fucking hell.
	Oh, we tried that.
	And I was like sitting there just holding a box of like t-shirts for merch.
	Yeah, some caps.
	Yeah.
	We tried the camper van, like a family camper, you know, that you rent.
	It's like $19 a day.
	And it's basically just like a cage.
	Oh, yeah, and they don't go up hills.
	Yeah, you got to jump out and kind of fucking push it up.
	There's nothing in there.
	It's an anytime fitness, basically.
	Yeah.
	It's like an anytime fitness on wheels.
	There's like two kettlebells in there and then there's just some like Chevy Chase just sitting in the front.
	And some dangerous man complaining that the water fountain's broken.
	Yeah.
	How many people do you tour around with?
	My tour manager, Tim, and then two comedians usually.
	Yeah.
	So it's a pretty small group.
	But then if you get a production, like if you start to go into places where you have to bring production and then you have to bring like, then there's other people that come, but they are more of like the production side, maybe.
	But it's pretty interesting.
	It's pretty interesting to see it and learn.
	Yeah.
	It's kind of scary though, some of the responsibility.
	I think just with touring, it's like once you're like, okay, I'm really going to go do this.
	Yeah, I'm this guy now.
	Yeah.
	Yes.
	Yeah.
	Now I'm, I'm, and it's supposed to be fun.
	We did a tour bus 2018, massive fucking tour bus.
	It had 12 bunks in it.
	Oh, yeah.
	Had a fucking massive bedroom out the back, and it was me and my best friend slash tour manager.
	And it was like a Janet Jackson backup dancer fucking bus.
	And we just ran amok on it.
	It was so fun.
	Wow.
	And you went all across Australia?
	No, all around America.
	No, we don't do tour buses here because it's too big.
	The country's too big.
	Yeah.
	No, we did it all through America.
	Fucking wicked.
	I love tour bus.
	Costs a packet, though.
	Yeah.
	It's expensive.
	When I came out of a sold-out world tour, I was like, have I broken even?
	And my manager's like, that fucking bus that you wanted.
	That bus, you idiot.
	But otherwise, you're like walking or you're on a donkey.
	Donkeys, lots of donkeys.
	The last tour I did 2022, I did 80 shows in three months.
	Wow.
	Like a fucking idiot.
	Oh.
	Like a fucking idiot.
	And we were just planes.
	So we were just, we travel day was a show day, travel day, like averaged about 16 Hours in every place.
	It's so hard.
	It's shit.
	Yeah.
	And you forget how much I need creature comforts.
	Like, get to a point where you're like, why am I still navigating how fucking doors work?
	Because you're in a different place every time.
	So some doors are pushed, some doors run into it.
	Like, it's so, so disconvolving.
	Well, you think the government would give this shit together.
	Yeah, I don't want to say anything NATO or whoever the group, you know, NAACP.
	I don't know who does it, but whoever fucking make one door.
	Right?
	How fucking hard is it?
	Outlaw some of those, like, some of those hinges are kind of, I don't want to say, I don't know what they are.
	They're just, they're bisexual, I think.
	Okay, I was going to say they're shit.
	I just mean some of them are willing to do anything.
	Right.
	Yeah, and they're also super shit.
	I know.
	We need one on International Women's Day, let's get some fucking women making doors.
	Yeah.
	I reckon.
	And they'll swing when we need them to swing.
	Yeah, I like that.
	Yeah, we need some fucking women's doors, huh?
	We need doors for women only.
	Women's fucking doors.
	It's about time.
	In America, there's a lot of women that will say that there's like a male glass ceiling on comedy and stuff.
	Do you hear that here or no?
	Do you feel like it's just...
	Yeah, for women.
	Absolutely.
	Not a male.
	Oh, what the hell?
	Or just a glass ceiling, but nobody says that the glass ceiling is made out of men.
	You know what I'm saying?
	No, no, no.
	We know that, though.
	We know that, you know, because it's been made by men.
	Good luck.
	Well done with that, though.
	All those glass ceilings are made by the same person.
	They should get into the fucking doors.
	Does it feel like that in the Australia comedy scene, I guess?
	Because I don't know the scene that much.
	I have some friends here who are comedians, but knowing the scene is totally different, you know?
	Yeah, look, I started as an actor.
	I've always been funny, but I'm not like a comedian that's been gigging for 25 years, you know what I mean?
	Doing the 3 a.m.
	slot and all that sort of stuff.
	So I kind of came up performing acting.
	Oh, so it's kind of a different avenue.
	And Australia's really different to the States.
	Like, we don't have comedy clubs on every corner.
	We have a handful of clubs.
	We have like open mic nights at pubs or bars, but it's not, it's nowhere near as big as it is in the States.
	I did notice it when I got to America.
	I went into a comedy club there.
	And I walked into the dressing room a few years ago and I was like, do you reckon we could take that massive life-size photo of Bill Cosby down?
	Is that cool?
	And they were like, yeah, we can't.
	It's kind of like drilled in.
	And I fucking ripped it off a ball and shoved it behind the toilet.
	It's like really?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I haven't been asked back there.
	It's fine.
	Some of them they don't want you to see.
	Yeah, some of them there's this, they're loss, I'll say.
	Yeah.
	They're obviously into a different type of entertainer.
	And I play theatres now, so it's fine.
	And he's obviously a hypnotist.
	Yeah.
	That's misunderstood, I think they say.
	Final coffee.
	What if he just said, what if that had been his, what if that had been his defense in court?
	I'm just fucking hell.
	I'm just a really bad hypnotist.
	Fucking hell.
	So crazy.
	Has he died?
	I don't think he just went back out on tour.
	No, he didn't.
	I think Nick Schwartzon's touring with us.
	On International Women's Day, he's just jumped back out on tour.
	So what just happened?
	Are you telling me that his fucking tour went on sale the same day mine did?
	On International Women's Day?
	Fuck you, Cosmos.
	So people, but people can go see you.
	So all your, just your Australian New Zealand tour went on.
	But America's on sale.
	Yeah.
	So I'm in America May, June.
	And you start with the Netflix Festival.
	Netflix Festival and then Phoenix and over to Washington and then fuck around for a bit.
	It's tricky because I'm based here.
	I've got a family here.
	I've got a life here.
	So I'm trying.
	This will be the third, fourth time I've done a world tour and I'm still trying to figure out the best way to do it.
	I don't know.
	Like the last one I did, I was saying, you know, I did a heap of shows because I was like, just cram the fuckers in so I can just go, get it all done and then get home.
	But that was too, it's like still six or so weeks without seeing my kids.
	And I just finished filming a show down here.
	I don't live in Sydney.
	I live north.
	So I was away from them.
	They had three days to build the show and then take it onto it.
	So that was all bananas.
	So this time I'm trying to do like a couple of weeks and then we're going to have a week off.
	So the family will come over.
	We'll hang out in Mexico and then I'll go back out for like three weeks.
	But it's just, it's hard to kind of navigate that.
	It's hard.
	Being like a mom and all that, but living on the other side of the world is really, it's hard because most of my audience is in America.
	Yeah.
	I mean, my only child is my own depression usually.
	And I've just had some.
	I've got her as well.
	Don't worry.
	But it's like outside of that little motherfucker, I don't have to, you know, everything's pretty.
	Like, I can't even imagine with a family.
	And that cunt goes with you everywhere as well.
	You can't even leave her at home if you want to go outside.
	So how many children do you have?
	I have two that came out of me, but I also have two stepdaughters that I've had for 20 years.
	Cinderella are those two.
	I'm Cinderella.
	Yeah.
	I'm Cinderella.
	Of course.
	I've had the girls since they were two and four.
	They're now 21 and 23. Okay, so they're not at the house like asking for sandwiches and all.
	Oh, fuck no.
	When the eldest Kaya turned 18, I kicked the door in.
	Happy birthday.
	Thanks.
	I went, get out.
	So what do you mean?
	I went, consider yourself raised.
	Get the fuck out.
	Out.
	I love you.
	Out.
	And she was like, happy to.
	Like, yeah, get out.
	I'm done.
	I'm going to open this women's door for you.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Watch.
	It goes both ways.
	Look at that.
	Yeah.
	But now you have new offspring.
	Yeah.
	I got two little dudes.
	I got a nine-year-old who turns 10 on Monday and a 12-year-old, two boys.
	And do they think it's interesting that you're this funny lady?
	Like, what is their concept of their mother as a comedian?
	Do they have that?
	Do they have a concept of it?
	No, not.
	I think they see it as my job.
	I will say, though, that my 12-year-old, my kids are really fucking funny, too.
	Like, I don't think anything's funny and I think they're fucking funny.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's really cool.
	So now that, you know, he's 12, he, he's kind of getting it a bit more.
	He'll like, I'll say something to my husband and he'll overhear it and he'll be like, oh, mom.
	I'm like, yeah, bitch, welcome.
	Like, I'm a massive deal.
	Get on board.
	It's great.
	Yeah.
	So they, yeah, they kind of.
	Oh, it must be cool when you're, if your kid starts saying your kid starts entertaining you kind of low-key, that must be pretty fucking interesting because then it's like, oh, I made that.
	Absolutely.
	Yeah.
	But then when they're really annoying, I'm like, I fucking did that too.
	Oh, yeah.
	Like, I see, you know, a lot of myself, obviously, in them.
	And I'm like, yeah, that's going to be tricky for you, mate.
	I went through that.
	That's, that's going to be hard for you.
	Oh, that awkward.
	Yeah, that's crazy.
	Oh, growing up is so awkward.
	Like, do you remember whenever you got breasts or whatever?
	Always had them.
	I was born with them.
	Were you really?
	Yeah, it was a baby with tits.
	It feels like it.
	Hold on.
	Some politician will fucking bid on you.
	Okay.
	Yeah, and he's about to hit puberty, my boy.
	Yeah, it's the.
	And what do you start to change the furniture around the house or anything?
	You put up like a changing post.
	I come to Sydney for a month and I say to my husband, fucking sucked in.
	Enjoy that.
	Or I ask him a lot.
	I'm like, he's been in the bathroom for ages.
	Is this a thing?
	And he's like, just chill.
	It's fine.
	He's peeing.
	Yeah, he's actually peeing.
	I'm like, I don't know if he's peeing.
	He's getting a really deep pee out.
	Yeah.
	Just walk past his bedroom.
	You got to get him a scratching post or something.
	Like one of those cat posts, you know, like.
	Yeah, true.
	I wish, yeah, a lot more parents should do stuff like that or get some breasts that you nail onto the wall or something.
	But isn't that what boys do?
	Don't they just sort it out themselves?
	In some tribes, the brother will teach the child, the younger brother how to masturbate.
	So it's like, doesn't seem like a shameful thing.
	It seems like this is a way that things are done in our culture, you know?
	Yeah, right.
	Are those tribes also in Ireland?
	I'm not sure they could be.
	Again, if it's a taught thing, in all my experience, you boys just figure it the fuck out.
	But you don't, though.
	That's the problem.
	You just go out into the woods or you go into like some corner.
	Go out to the woods.
	Or you hide in a hamper at a friend's house, you know.
	That was the biggest.
	In their mom's bathroom, just 100%.
	We had this one kid, bro.
	If you ever needed him, he was in my one buddy, had a hot mom.
	He was in their hamper all the time.
	Oh, my God.
	Crack it open.
	He'd be in there.
	Oh, God.
	You got a fucked up mate.
	Just making organic beverages, dude.
	That guy was a real dirtball.
	And he still is, honestly.
	I think he's behind bars.
	I want to update everybody that we had a lawsuit from Kai the Hitchhiker.
	You might be familiar.
	And finally, it has taken seven months, but Morgan and Morgan helped get our case dismissed.
	So thank you, Morgan and Morgan.
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	I saw that the Just for Laughs festival, speaking of comedy festivals, was going out of business.
	Did you go ever go with that?
	I did Montreal a couple of times.
	You did?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I only heard that the other day.
	2024 Just for Laughs Comedy Festival cancelled.
	Company seeks creditor protection.
	Wow.
	Can yeah, keep scrolling.
	Is that just in Montreal?
	Because we have one in Australia.
	We have in Sydney, JFL.
	Has that been cancelled?
	Good question.
	The Montreal company that operates the Just for Last Comedy Festival has cancelled the 2024 edition of the event.
	Wow.
	So 2024 Montreal is cancelled.
	Which, when is, sorry, I'm learning things today.
	When is it usually on?
	I should know.
	I've played it.
	I believe it's.
	In like a few months, right?
	So that's late to cancel.
	Like is everyone – They must have just realized it's not going to work.
	A formal process under Canada's has canceled the 2024 addition of the event after filing a notice of intention to make a proposal To creditors.
	75 people were laid off Tuesday morning, according to a festival spokesperson who called the company's financial situation unsustainable.
	Yeah, festivals are tricky.
	The company cited lost revenues during the two years of the global pandemic and challenges facing the media industry, particularly reduced budgets at networks and streaming platforms, as reasons for restructuring.
	Wow, it's kind of wild when things like that start to go away.
	But I think like things like Just Relax, they're not as much of a launching pad for entertainment anymore, for comedians.
	And it's not a money-making vehicle.
	I've always found it quite weird.
	I don't really do festivals.
	Again, because I didn't come up through stand-up, but that idea of going, there's 300 shows on over four days in two streets, two blocks.
	And each comedian's got to try and push their own fucking show up against that.
	Like I didn't, I always found it kind of weird.
	And I know so many of my mates do those festivals.
	Like, it's fucking impossible to try and sell out even, you know, 300 seats.
	It's impossible because my mates down the street, it's just, yeah, it's really impossible.
	It's like every venue in the world is selling tickets on the same night.
	It almost does seem kind of ridiculous.
	It's like, what if all your major sports teams played on the same night?
	Exactly.
	Well, they'd never do that with sport.
	No, not sacred sport, but with the arts and comedy.
	Fucking hell.
	Figure it out, you weirdos.
	We don't give a shit.
	Sport!
	We went to a Sydney Swans game yesterday.
	Yeah.
	Good?
	Yeah.
	Like it?
	Yeah.
	It was cool.
	AFL.
	Yeah, AFL.
	It's like soccer and rugby kind of a little bit.
	It's.
	Yeah.
	Rugby union, do you mean?
	Not rugby league.
	I don't know.
	I couldn't tell what this, it's kind of an interesting sport.
	You can't tell what sport it is.
	It seems like they're trying to play every sport at once.
	And they're incredible.
	Like, I don't really follow AFL, but when I do see it and, you know, talking to people who love it, they're incredible fucking athletes.
	They just never stop just pinning it around.
	Yeah, it's it's throwing and kicking.
	Like it's not, you run, you stop, you sit, you go again.
	Like it's non-stop.
	It's amazing to watch.
	Yeah, it kind of has like a soccer aspect because it keeps moving.
	Do your boys play sports or no?
	Yeah.
	My oldest boy loves rugby league, but I've pulled him.
	Well, he's not going to do it for a year.
	He wants to, you know, get his shit together.
	So we started doing rugby union instead.
	I fucking hate it.
	What is rugby union?
	What's the difference?
	Oh, could someone else bring this up?
	Here we go.
	Rugby league is, I don't know how to describe the difference because if you watch it, it looks very similar.
	There's, oh, everyone listening who knows sports is going to be like, this bitch trying to tell us about fucking union.
	Listen up, fellas.
	This is how it is.
	No, it's International Women's Day.
	You're good.
	I know I'm bored because it's sport.
	Well, there you go.
	Did you play sports when you were growing up?
	No.
	Really?
	I danced.
	You did?
	Yeah.
	You were a trained dancer?
	Sure.
	Not trained, but like as a kid, danced, you know, for every day of my life up until I was 16. Fucking loved it.
	Oh, it's beautiful.
	Well, my main goal in life was to be a Janet Jackson backup dancer.
	Oh.
	I love her so much.
	God, it's so beautiful.
	Yeah.
	I have never met her before.
	I've had dreams where I've met Tito Jackson.
	Oh, how'd that go?
	Yeah.
	It was like at a recovery meeting, but I still got to meet.
	I got introduced to him twice.
	In these dreams.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, right.
	It's very specific.
	Yeah.
	No, I'm obsessed with Janet.
	I saw her 1998 Velvet Rope tour in Brisbane.
	Changed my fucking life.
	Where were you at?
	Where was my seat?
	Like Rose, seat 87. Would have had a better seat in the fucking car park.
	I didn't care.
	And what were you wearing?
	Just your young breast.
	Yeah, just baby tits and jeans.
	I don't know if we can say that.
	We probably won't say that, I reckon.
	I'm happy to stay for the edit if that helps.
	I'm available all of a sudden.
	No, I'm obsessed with her, but even more so her backup dancers.
	Yeah.
	Because it's so much to be a backup dancer because you're right there.
	You're right on the cusp of the star.
	You're smelling their fucking breath.
	Yeah, but if they fart, you're in it.
	Absolutely.
	But you need to know your place.
	Yeah.
	So you need to know that when Janet breaks off from the group and does her thing, that's when you can go and, you know, fucking go ham.
	But when she comes back, you've got to make sure you fall in line.
	I think a lot about Taylor Swift's backup dancers.
	I think about them a lot.
	I went and saw her a few weeks ago.
	You did?
	Yeah.
	And did you go alone?
	No, I took my nine-year-old niece.
	Beautiful.
	Yeah, I'm pretty amazing.
	Do you think some women went alone?
	No.
	No, I think people went in fucking cults together to that.
	With their culture and stuff.
	Fucking hell.
	No, I don't think there was anyone there alone.
	And if they went alone, they didn't leave alone.
	Like, it was a lot.
	But I think about her backup dancers because she's on tour at the moment, biggest tour in history.
	And Beyonce's on tour, biggest tour in history.
	And you just fucking know that Taylor Swift's backup dancers also auditioned for that Beyoncé tour.
	That's tough.
	There's a lot of skipping around.
	They come out on push bikes.
	They bring out pumpkins and do like liturgical.
	You don't notice half the shit they do.
	Next thing you know, one of them, yeah, just has like a, they'll have a stuffed animal.
	They'll have a bassinet.
	100%.
	You know, one of them will have a drum.
	One of them will be just, you know, landing their ass on the other one or something.
	And before you know it, it just, they have to keep it moving.
	But you really, I really noticed it.
	And I really noticed the backup dancers when Taylor would dance with them.
	I'm like, oh, that's, I might want to recorry that.
	And be right there.
	Taylor's unbelievable.
	I'm obsessed with her.
	I think she's incredible.
	Is she a dancer?
	No.
	Mate, she's not a dancer.
	But she is a type woman.
	Yeah.
	And she dances in front of 100,000 people the way that I used to dance in my bedroom alone when I was nine.
	And I have fucking respect for that.
	That's what I think it is.
	I think even when you see her just like at other shows, you see her dancing.
	You see her having a good time.
	She's all teeth and elbows.
	Yeah.
	But you go, great.
	I love that for you.
	Yeah.
	Those backup dancers.
	You can tell they're like, you think some of them like that could be me?
	Do you think some of them have to leave the tour because their ego gets too big?
	I reckon some of them have to do a drop-in dance class once a week just to really hone their craft because they're not getting it on stage.
	Yeah, they have to dumb it down almost, huh?
	Maybe, yeah.
	You got to be careful with what you say about Taylor because the Swifties will come for you and skin you alive.
	Really?
	Are they?
	I'm not worried for you.
	I'm fucking worried for me.
	You talked about tits on a baby.
	You're already fucked.
	If I go for Taylor, I don't think we should.
	Yeah.
	No, that's good.
	Look, I'm okay with a lot of surgeries.
	I don't think that's one of them.
	No, Taylor, yeah.
	I think she's great.
	I just don't know if she's a dancer.
	Some of the stuff you see at the shows is you will see a lot of people filming their child trying to get their child on to like, look, Taylor, this is little Dino or whatever.
	Phoebe, yeah.
	Yeah, you know, yeah, this is Chloe and she's your, you know, including.
	Biggest fan.
	Biggest fan.
	And she's like eating a bowl of fucking glitter.
	Tears.
	Yeah.
	Tears and resentment.
	Three and a half hour concert.
	Wow.
	Fucking hell, that's a lot.
	I went to the bathroom at one point and I came back to my niece and I said, oh, Taylor's, she got changed during this song.
	And my niece went, no, it's a different song.
	And I went, it's fucking not.
	It's all the same.
	I thought it was the same song.
	She's like, no, it's a completely different song.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, I was so high.
	One time I went to Green Day and the opening band performed.
	And I thought that was Green Day.
	Who was the opening band?
	Dua Lipa or something?
	Probably somebody.
	Yeah.
	I think it was like Chingy or something.
	Oh, wow.
	Did you leave after it?
	That was on my way out.
	That was great.
	There's heaps of tabs available, like an Uber.
	This is awesome.
	I was on my way out.
	What else is going on?
	Oh, yeah.
	So one thing that people love about you, obviously, so much is just like bucking like the beauty trend and like taking on beauty in like such a ridiculous way.
	Is it like beauty kind of, or is it just like, what is like the fulcrum of like what you feel like you kind of like to pinpoint?
	Because you have so many videos of shit that's like, yeah, like somebody in the rain drinking a soap.
	Just like things that's like, that normally they make it look all sexy and erotic, you know?
	And you just kind of make it look like real humans.
	Like, what if we all did this?
	Yeah, I think we could.
	Kind of like Taylor Swift's dancing.
	Exactly the same.
	Taylor and I are the same.
	We're exactly the same.
	We're like in dance.
	I think just that whole idea of unrealistic ideals of women being sold as realistic.
	Yeah.
	Like before social media, you know, you get a magazine or whatever you see in the media.
	Magazine drawing or something.
	Yeah, you're like, oh, it's Cindy Crawford being fucking amazing.
	She's on a motorbike in a bikini on an Empire State building, drinking a Pepsi.
	You know what that is.
	It's an edited thing and that's what it's being sold as.
	Then kind of social media came out and similar ideas are being pushed, but it's like, this is what I look like, dropping the kids off at school.
	Or like, this is my morning routine.
	And it's 4 a.m.
	and she's in a bikini and she's doing yoga on a beach.
	She's got a green juice and her kids are, you know, gorgeous and just doing school drop-off.
	I'm like, bitch, that's not what fucking school drop-off looks like.
	That idea of it being sold is, it just, that's trash.
	It's, it's just, you know what, it's fucking hard because then when you get it on your phone and you already hate yourself and it's 3 a.m.
	and you're breastfeeding your child, who won't fucking breastfeed, but you have to breastfeed him because if you don't breastfeed them, you're a shit mom.
	You may as well give him a fucking meth pipe because that's something else we have to be doing.
	And he's also 11. Right.
	Exactly.
	And he fucking hates you.
	Yeah.
	And you're scrolling through your phone and then you see these images and they get into that psyche.
	I was like, that's bullshit.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's like, why do I have to feel bad?
	I already feel bad, but at least I could put the fucking magazine down or turn the fucking TV off.
	And then we get these in our hands and you put that down, you'll fucking explode.
	And they just peppered.
	And I was like, no, I call bullshit to that.
	I call absolute bullshit to that.
	I still do.
	Yeah.
	And then here's the worst part is I think that then your brain starts to feel bad or something.
	Then you release some like thing into your breast milk and now your kid fucking feels bad.
	Yeah, absolutely.
	And the kid's all fucking pissed or whatever.
	100%.
	Some chick with no kids is fucking, you know, showing her tits near a toaster oven or whatever, making breakfast.
	Yeah, exactly.
	She's not making that breakfast.
	But I also wanted to show the other.
	Like, I'm sure there are people out there that do sail on a yacht to drop their kids off to school in bikinis and incredible.
	But not everyone's like that.
	And that's not represented.
	It's not represented.
	It's kind of true, huh?
	Why do we get afraid, I think, to share whatever is probably really real?
	I guess.
	I think it's shifting, though.
	Yeah.
	And I think maybe because it's boring, it's not aspirational.
	And we have to constantly, especially if, you know, in the public eye or in the media.
	It's got to be aspirational.
	Someone asked me an interview yesterday, well, what's next?
	And you go, well, too, are you doing this?
	You're doing that.
	So I'm going to lie the fuck down.
	Yeah.
	That's what I want to do.
	I want to try and figure out how to live one day without anxiety and sleep for longer than four hours.
	Like, that's a goal of mine.
	It doesn't always have to be, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that, I'm going to do this.
	And that's the stuff of social media, too.
	Yeah, well, I think there's, it definitely creates a world of like, I have to do something else.
	Yeah, what's next?
	What's next?
	Because people have seen it next, seen it next, seen it now.
	Even like in TV now with streamers, consume television on streaming services the way we consume TikTok.
	And this is one of the crazy things that happened.
	You start to not even value, you don't even realize how Much production goes into television stuff.
	So people don't even value it as much anymore.
	They value it as like, if this doesn't get my attention pretty quick, or I'm not in, I move on.
	It's almost like you scroll past it.
	And to think that that much production and time and creativity and everything would go into a program and you would just scroll right past it.
	It's one of the reasons I think why like even JFL are saying that there's problems because there's just tightening budgets at all those places because they can't figure out how to make it where people are sticking around, you know?
	Yeah, and people want everything for free.
	But that's, that's, you know, that's what the industry and, you know, society, social media, all that sort of stuff has put out there.
	It's like, if you don't binge this show in two days, you're a fucking idiot because we've got 40 other shows that are coming up that everyone else is watching.
	So you have to, you have to kind of keep up watching it.
	And if you don't, well, then aren't you a loser?
	How dare you watch one episode a day, fuckhead?
	That's the whole thing.
	And then it totally scares if your children can't read this fucking episode.
	Exactly.
	It's the second episode of Grislda, you little bitch.
	Bridgeton 65's coming out.
	You're not onto it yet.
	Yeah.
	And I think that really dilutes the quality of what we see because Bridgeton, for example, you watch that.
	It drops and you binge it in two days and then everyone loves it and they're like, you have to make another one.
	So instead of going, all right, well, let's go and develop some scripts.
	We'll get some writers out.
	Oh, we're going to, you know, what draft do you usually shoot on?
	Oh, 10th draft.
	Fuck that.
	Second draft, shooting draft.
	Go, go.
	Elizabeth needs yellow fever.
	Yeah, exactly.
	And just to absolutely dilute the quality of it.
	Put Bridgerton in a fucking coma and let's fucking keep it moving.
	Episode one, but episode two, fucking bring them out, keep going.
	Yeah, things start to lose quality because we want things so fast.
	Yeah.
	It used to be, you know, it's always been a tough industry and challenging.
	I kind of like that about it, but it's fucking brutal now.
	Like, and what is the acting side?
	Yeah, trying to get...
	Like, I had a show on Netflix that went really well.
	It fucking killed me.
	Yeah, it went really well.
	And it didn't get renewed.
	And they said because of numbers, but the numbers were really good.
	You just have to keep up.
	And you can only control that so much.
	And a lot of these people making those choices have no idea.
	They're accountants.
	Well, they are just, yeah, they have no idea what's cool.
	And that's also one of the things that I do like about people being able to make their own content and have their own voice is because those people thought they knew everything.
	Yeah.
	And they don't know shit.
	And now their old festivals are falling apart.
	Their networks are making shit that nobody's paying attention to.
	I think it's part of the problem.
	I mean, I'm probably a little jaded too.
	You know, similar thing happened to me, but it's like they tried to get so woke.
	I don't know.
	In the U.S., like the Comedy Central got so woke and everything.
	They put on people that weren't even fucking comedians making shows.
	It was just like, and it, and then now they'll like give, they want to come and offer you like $500 to come make a show with them.
	Like get fucked.
	Yeah.
	Like, yeah, with your special.
	Absolutely.
	Yeah.
	They're like, we're going to give you 16 cents for your special.
	I'm like the one that I sold out worldwide and made a fuck ton of money on.
	You can't have that.
	I know.
	You can't have that.
	Yeah.
	Was that, did that, did that feel kind of scary?
	Because I guess when you're an actor, getting a show is such a huge thing, huh?
	It was awesome.
	I fucking loved it.
	It was so funny.
	I have to watch it.
	I haven't seen it.
	I just saw that you, I know that you did it and that's all I know.
	I was executive producer on it as well, which I fucking loved.
	Really?
	Did you get one of those little chairs with the black back on it?
	No, I didn't.
	Fucking hell, I should have got that.
	Oh, well, I got an ego, though.
	Yeah.
	Massive ego from it.
	I just loved it.
	I was, you know, it was a show that was built around me.
	It was a dream situation.
	It was a book that was then turned into a show and they wanted to build it around me and had awesome people on it and we made it and it's fucking wicked.
	I loved it.
	I loved it.
	I loved the story as well of being a woman, 41 now, you know, on screen being big and loud and flawed and annoying and weird and exciting.
	And before we're talking about audiences and people come up to me in the street and just like women, they're like, I fucking saw myself in that character.
	We don't see that much, right?
	And so I love that.
	So I really, really would have loved to have extended that and given more to that story and seen more in that character, as well as being the lead in a fucking show for a second season and executive producer.
	Like, I'm not hiding that.
	I enjoyed that.
	Yeah.
	So the whole experience was awesome.
	Well, it sounds like it.
	I want to go back and watch it.
	I like some Australian shows.
	I like Bondi Rescue and I like, you know, Chris Lilly's shows.
	Yeah.
	You've seen all of his stuff, like from the beginning?
	I think I've seen everything.
	The problem is, well, Netflix took half of their, they used to have it up.
	Have you seen Summer Heights High?
	Yeah.
	And have you seen We Can Be Heroes?
	Speaking of my dick.
	Yeah.
	Fuck you, Miss.
	Sorry for saying fuck you, Miss.
	Mr. G, Mr. G. Oh, it's so good.
	He was a naughty girl with a bad habit.
	A bad habit for drugs.
	Ecstasy.
	Ecstasy.
	I fucking love him.
	Did you see We Can Be Heroes?
	That was his first one.
	We Can Be.
	No, we have Australian of the Year in Australia.
	Yes.
	I have seen it.
	It takes place at a school as well.
	Well, it's all, again, different characters all over Australia who are nominated to be Australian of the Year.
	Yes.
	And he plays all of them.
	It's worth watching.
	I'll have to go back and watch it.
	Yeah, go and find it for sure.
	Yeah, the only place I got on Summer High Thai was on YouTube in like, and it's somebody else watching it on their television and then putting the very Vietnamese.
	Where was it?
	Was it on Netflix?
	No, this was on YouTube.
	It used to be somewhere good.
	But remember, they tried to cancel him here.
	That was the dumbest shit ever.
	He's a fucking legend.
	Chris is hilarious.
	Yeah, I don't know.
	I kind of dropped off after summer high tie for no fucking reason.
	I just didn't really see much of that stuff after that.
	So good.
	Hang on.
	Yes, I did.
	What was this?
	Year 12s.
	And Nathan!
	Those brothers.
	Fuck, that was funny.
	Nathan!
	Screaming when he's next to me.
	And what about when the other kid comes up that's like a better dancer than him?
	It was so fucking crazy.
	Mr. G, that character.
	Oh, and Jermae.
	So good.
	So good.
	God, that was so good.
	It's just, it's, that was like the Seinfeld of Australia, I feel like, in a way.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Because it's so on the nose and perfect.
	You're like, could anything get more perfect than that?
	Yeah.
	I got to meet him once.
	Oh, yeah, right.
	Yeah.
	I got to meet him once.
	And I was so, yeah.
	It was just, yeah.
	Was it awesome meeting him?
	I've never met him.
	Yeah, it was awesome.
	He came on the podcast last time I was in Australia.
	Great.
	Yeah, it was super.
	I came downstairs in the hotel and he's just kind of standing off to the side kind of, like kind of has this like kind of like shyness, I guess, curious kind of guy.
	I'm interested that he did your podcast because I don't think he does much, does he?
	I don't think he does a lot of stuff like that.
	Super stoked about it.
	I'm going to try to get to say hey to him before I leave town.
	He said he's out of town right now, but.
	Yeah, right.
	He's a funny guy.
	Yeah.
	Did you ever do, like, see Kath and Kim?
	Kath and Kim?
	Kath and Kim.
	It's another Australian show that's fucking brilliant.
	It's about like suburban Australia.
	Sean and Marley, I like, have you seen them?
	No.
	It's like recipes and Down syndrome, basically.
	It's like a little.
	Is it Australian?
	Yeah.
	It's good.
	I know that.
	Yeah, it's quality form content.
	Gotelli.
	Goteli?
	Sean is more of a bit of bit.
	He can get a little agitated sometimes if the vegetables aren't right.
	Hang on, wait.
	Is this a TV or is it YouTube?
	This is YouTube.
	It's really great.
	So Sean and Marley, one of them has Down syndrome, I believe.
	And I believe they are, I don't know if they're Christian or not, but they're Asian.
	Well, we can't watch it, but they're great, though, if you get to see them.
	Yeah, well, they're really wonderful.
	What else are you thinking about?
	What else am I thinking about?
	My kid's got a football game this afternoon.
	Are you going to make it?
	No, the second half.
	Yeah, mom.
	Yeah.
	He said to me on the phone, he's like, mom, will you make it to the game?
	My nine-year-old.
	I went, look, my flight gets in like 20 minutes before you start.
	He goes, that's okay.
	You can just come to the second half.
	I was like, you're the fucking best, man.
	That was nice of him.
	He's the, like, he's fucking wicked.
	Dude, my mom would sit in the third, out in the outfield in the van and she would say, hit it or we're leaving.
	And she would fucking lay on the horn.
	What did you play?
	Play baseball.
	Right.
	Hit it or we're leaving.
	And we would.
	Oh.
	Because she didn't want to wait for the second time for the batters to go around.
	We've got shit to do.
	Because I didn't get to play much in the field.
	They would put me out there, but it was like they didn't want me out there.
	Did you like it?
	I didn't like it.
	What?
	Being in the outfield or playing at all?
	I just didn't like being out there, I guess.
	I don't know.
	There was things I didn't like about it, I guess.
	I didn't like the heat out there.
	Yeah.
	You always feel like you're supposed to do yard work.
	You feel like a farmer out there with all this land.
	You're in like left field.
	You don't have any seed.
	You don't have any mules.
	Yeah, yeah.
	With your own thoughts.
	That's never good when you've got depression, man.
	You're like, this farm sucks.
	I'm just wondering where the nearest fucking bridge is.
	This isn't good for me.
	And they're long games, right?
	Baseball.
	Long.
	Oh, so long.
	It's like cricket?
	Fucking long.
	Oh, cricket seems unbelievably ridiculous.
	It seems like they shouldn't do it.
	That's what it seems like to be a bitch.
	Right.
	And it also seems like they don't really do it.
	I'm like, you don't do fucking much.
	Yeah.
	And then all of a sudden, something happens and everyone shifts themselves.
	Like, no, like four people of the 50,000 people that are fucking standing out there playing get excited for 10 minutes and everyone goes home.
	Yeah.
	And it's all across the news.
	I'm like, what happened?
	And it lasts for like three days, too.
	Yeah.
	Isn't there like a 10-day test or something?
	Yeah, it goes forever.
	That's crazy.
	There's like an Indian, it kind of reminds me of an Indian wedding.
	A lot of Indian weddings are like that.
	Yeah, but they look fun.
	Oh, yeah.
	I think it's a lot more fun than a game of cricket, probably.
	I think anything is a lot more fun than a game of fucking cricket.
	Thank you.
	I really do.
	I've been wanting to say that, but I think I always be afraid to say it because I'm like, oh, people are going to get pissed.
	Yeah, you probably can't.
	You know what?
	Fuck that, man.
	I'll say this.
	The shit looks fucking ridiculous.
	The helmet looks absolutely insane.
	It looks unbelievably bad.
	How do you feel about American football then?
	Because they look like fucking idiots.
	I think I kind of agree with you.
	There's this clip on YouTube of NFL players watching rugby league games.
	And because it's fucking brutal league, like they, that's something that's rugby seems way more like that.
	They run at each other and they just, you know, demolish each other.
	That's why I don't want my kids doing it.
	But it's really funny footage of these massive NFL players going, what the fuck?
	They can't believe it.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	I mean, that's illegal.
	That's a spear tackle.
	10 in the bin.
	Oh, fuck.
	Oh, my God.
	It's so full on.
	Look out, mate, behind you.
	Oh, my God.
	It makes my penis hurt.
	Yeah, it should.
	Makes my penis hurt.
	Fuck.
	Good God.
	And then he's got to get him.
	Oh, it's really brutal.
	Yeah, when I see a lot of pain, I feel it in my genitalia.
	Yeah, right.
	Is that a weird thing you think that happens to people?
	I think men just talking about their genitalia in general is kind of weird.
	Yeah, sorry about that.
	That's okay.
	A lot of you guys know we started off with our first advertiser ever was Gray Block Pizza.
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	Is pornography causing a problem in your life?
	That's a good question.
	It's a real question.
	It has in mind.
	It has at certain periods in my life.
	Watching porno and everything and watching porno was making me, it was ruining my life.
	It was ruining my life, man.
	Made me feel just so much shame.
	That's what it did.
	Well, watching pornography has become commonplace today.
	And oftentimes men will use porno to numb the pain of loneliness, boredom, anxiety, and depression.
	That's all I want to introduce you to my friend, Stephen Wolt.
	Steve is the founder of Valor Recovery.
	He is a dear friend of mine.
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	The links will be on the YouTube.
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	But I promise you, only something positive will come from you reaching out and figuring out if what type of help, if any, could benefit you.
	Thank you.
	Yeah, how weird is it?
	I guess if your child's going through puberty, you got to fuck.
	Do you have to sit down with him?
	What do parents do?
	Like, do you have a talk with your husband about how to do that?
	Yeah, it goes like this.
	Fucking talk to him.
	That's how I do it.
	Really?
	I try and talk to him.
	We got an email from his school saying, just so you know, this term we're doing, like sex ed, we're going to be talking about.
	Yeah.
	And I said to my son, sucked in.
	You're going to get it at school.
	We do.
	We try and talk to it, but they know.
	Fucking our kids know shit.
	Yeah, they know, but I think sex ed is when it gets really weird because then it's like somebody is talking about it and everybody's in the same room at the same time.
	And they had a doll.
	I remember they passed around like a doll in our class, which was crazy.
	I'm like, people are like abusing this doll kind of like, and there was a male doll and a female doll.
	But I think it's, because you remember that energy?
	Did you have to go to sex ed?
	I don't remember it at all.
	What?
	Yeah.
	I don't remember.
	Maybe I wasn't at school when it was happening.
	We have this thing in Australia called Healthy Harold.
	And this fucking van comes around to each school.
	And Harold is the character.
	He's a giraffe.
	And you go into the Healthy Harold van.
	And they have like figurines.
	And it's like, this is what a uterus looks like.
	Or like, this is what like skin can, like skin or, you know, like.
	It's like a little petting thing.
	See, but then I remember Healthy Harold comes.
	It's a lot.
	And then Healthy Harold comes back.
	And then they talk about sex ed.
	And I didn't, maybe I didn't go.
	Isn't that weird?
	I don't remember the whole, you know, condom on a banana thing.
	I don't remember any of that.
	Maybe I just skipped it.
	Well, that's pretty interesting that they use a giraffe to do it.
	And he comes around.
	And my poppy's name was Harold as well.
	So I was like, I'm fucking good not learning about this in a weird dark van.
	Well, yeah, getting into a van, I think, but that's happens to a lot of, a lot of people have gotten into a van.
	They learn a lot of shit.
	You learn a lot of shit in a van.
	Actually, it's not a bad idea.
	Almost like an ice cream truck that just goes around with facts about sex.
	Yeah, you just need to get parents to sign off on it.
	Yeah.
	You're laughing.
	But yeah, we do try to talk to my boy a bit about it.
	Yeah, like that's it.
	That's the thing I would wonder.
	And what's the school saying, like, beware?
	Like, it's like a month or whatever.
	Yeah.
	It's not.
	They're like, you can, you think it's International Women's Day.
	It's not.
	It's we're teaching your kid about shit.
	Oh.
	I know.
	So it was just kind of letting us know that they're going to be talking about a menstrual cycle.
	No.
	Yeah.
	I'm full on at home with that with my boys.
	I'm in a house full of dicks.
	So I'm like, I talk about that a lot.
	I'm like, I've got my period.
	I'm getting my period.
	Everyone look alive and like everyone gird your loins because, yeah, here's some firing some fucking warning shots because it's not looking good for any of you guys for a while.
	Wow.
	But now my nine-year-old will be like, mom, did you want something to eat?
	If I'm like, I've got my period.
	Really?
	You want something?
	Yeah.
	I've got good kids.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	Raising glitches.
	That's beautiful.
	That's sweet.
	That's nice.
	I also have heard my husband walk into the kitchen and say to my boys, boys, back off.
	Get out of here.
	I can hear him whispering.
	They're like, get out of here.
	She's not.
	It's not good.
	Take it easy today, guys.
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	And will you guys have any more children, you think?
	No.
	No.
	Oh, so less.
	No, I've got 100.
	I'm good.
	I do have moments though when I'm really busy with work.
	And I'm like, maybe if I just have a baby, I don't have to do any of this.
	Yeah.
	Just stop and just have a baby because that's easy.
	People have babies all the time, I think, just so they can get out of, or maybe get out of work or something or not have to do something.
	Men do that.
	Women don't do that with me.
	Yeah, that's a men thing.
	That's not a woman thing.
	So men are like, oh, have this baby and they don't have to do that.
	Let's have a kid.
	It's just easy.
	And the woman's like, yeah, sure.
	Then she does it.
	She's like, I fucking hate you, man.
	I hate everything about you.
	Men will do that, huh?
	Yeah.
	Fuck, dude.
	We're sick.
	We're sick, man.
	I do think about that, though, sometimes.
	And my youngest really wants me to have another baby because he wants to be a big brother.
	Oh.
	But I'm hoping my stepdaughters will hurry up and get pregnant.
	I'm like, that will work for me.
	Yeah.
	As long as somebody kind of fulfills that space a little bit, I think that that's super important.
	Yeah.
	What else was I saying?
	there was a bunch of beauty tips I was going to ask you because so many things you went through about beauty and different things we were talking about, like a lot of your videos.
	Do you have a...
	This is not you.
	No.
	But go on, bring that back up, though.
	What are some of these?
	I just wanted to think, what do you think about some of these new ones that people are doing?
	Nose blush.
	I don't know.
	What?
	You just make your nose pink.
	Yeah, I think it's sweeping bright blush across your face onto your nose.
	Who wants to highlight the bridge of their nose?
	I think it started probably with COVID or something, probably, because people were sick anyway.
	So I think people are like, I might as well fucking look really bad.
	Snail skin, fuck off.
	That's not a thing.
	Snail skincare.
	Yeah, this is where I guess, yeah, people are putting snails, and this must be a, this is Asian thing.
	Yeah, popularizing Korea is pretty much Asia.
	The texture of the snail slime on your face is already giving us the hibby-deebies.
	Actually, a snail on your face would feel fucking wild, huh?
	Yeah, I can feel that in a very specific part of my spine.
	That's weird.
	It would be the actual, for me, the slow movement of the snail.
	I'm just not interested.
	I'm happy.
	I would rather look like a hat full of assholes than fucking sit through that.
	I'm not doing that.
	Imagine how it is.
	And it's not even a movement.
	It's just a casual, like never-ending.
	Yeah.
	Oh, almost seems kind of nice.
	I think it depends on where you put it at.
	Yeah.
	That was quite nice.
	Yeah.
	Like, I don't know if it's soothing or not, though.
	Flower breathes.
	You know what my friend Caleb told me?
	He told me that this is the neatest thing I've ever heard.
	That you can look at anything and know what it will feel like on your tongue.
	Because when you were a baby, you put everything in your mouth.
	What?
	I can look at anything.
	Like you can look at anything, like material or anything, and you can know what it feels like on your tongue.
	Yeah, right.
	That's kind of cool.
	It's crazy.
	You can look at anything.
	You'd be like.
	But he said it's because you tried everything when you were a child.
	But that doesn't kind of check out because like when I look at those lights, I know how it feels on my tongue, but that's not because I shove lights in my face as a baby.
	Maybe not, but do you shove certain fat?
	It's just like, did we taste every fabric?
	You know what I'm saying?
	Did we taste every surface without even, you know?
	Yeah, sand, all that shit.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Because it's weird.
	You can know.
	Once I start thinking about it, you're now kind of freaking out a little bit, like looking around.
	Like, how does our tongue know everything?
	And I think sometimes I said this to my kids the other day.
	Sometimes when I've got so much on, and because I've got ADHD as well, when I'm really overwhelmed, I can feel the front part of my brain.
	I can actually feel it.
	And when I think about that, I'm like, what other parts of me, if I think hard enough about them, can I feel that you don't usually think about?
	Do you know what I mean?
	Like same with if I have, that I had a drink of water or something free and then someone tried to talk to me and I had to answer them and I couldn't swallow.
	And I was like, going, oh, hang on.
	And then I went, I forgot how to fucking swallow all of a sudden because, don't say that, because you don't have to think about swallowing, right?
	It just happens.
	So when you do think about it, you forget how to do it.
	I'm boring myself, but sometimes I can feel the front part of my brain when I'm overthinking.
	And I feel it's the same thing about that tongue thing.
	I don't usually think that I can feel my tongue until I think about it.
	Yeah.
	Are we going to put this part on the calm app to put people to sleep?
	Yeah, welcome to calm app.
	We're going to make a sleeping body.
	I'm so fucking sick of myself.
	Jesus Christ.
	Welcome to Calm app.
	Celeste is going to tell you about the front part of her fucking brain to put you to sleep.
	You're in a beautiful open field.
	What's that, a bird?
	What does that feel like on your tongue?
	Calm down.
	Dude, if we made a call map episode, that'd be so fire.
	Yeah.
	It'd be so good, wouldn't it?
	It would be so.
	Harry Styles is on it.
	He's on there doing Call Map shit?
	Yeah, but it's fucking great because he reads you like a story.
	And at the beginning of it, he's like, hello, it's Harry Styles here.
	I'm going to read you a story.
	And I'm like, fuck, all right, Harry, why don't you read me a little story?
	It's really nice.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that would be good.
	I'm trying to think of some good ones I would like to hear maybe from Randy Quaid, maybe.
	LeBron does one too.
	He does?
	Yeah, it's good.
	I feel like if Kai Sinat did one, it would be pretty fucking fire, too.
	But yeah, I don't know for what his would be like, maybe.
	That would be great if everybody started making those.
	Lots of people do them.
	Yeah.
	Like I was quite surprised when I saw it.
	I was like, fuck, must be money in that.
	Do you do any impressions or impersonations, kind of?
	I'm not that talented, unfortunately.
	Did you ever try them?
	Like, try to work on it for a while or think about it?
	No, no, not really.
	I kind of had a little moment of wanting to do SNL back in the day before anyone gave a shit about who I was, but I was like, I'm not really good at that stuff.
	I fucking think it's amazing, though.
	People that do it blows my mind.
	Did you see Shane Gillis on there?
	No.
	Who's that?
	He's an American comedian.
	He's like a really entertaining guy, very funny.
	He just, he had gotten kicked off of the show.
	Like they had hired him.
	As like a cast member.
	They'd hired him as a cast member a while, like three years ago.
	And then the next day they looked at some old episode from a podcast or something and said something on it and they took him off.
	They said, we changed our minds.
	And then he blew up since then and he has like a huge career.
	And now they just had him back as a guest.
	Oh, wow.
	Did he host?
	Yeah, he hosted.
	Yeah, right.
	So I thought it was interesting.
	I thought he was going to say at the last minute.
	Fuck you.
	Can't make it, guys.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, wow.
	I kind of wished that he would, would have, but I don't know if that's just like a petty part of me that wished that.
	I have that in me as well.
	Yeah.
	Sometimes that petty part of you just shows up, you know?
	Oh, God, yeah.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, quite a lot for me.
	It can be quite petty.
	Does it feel like Jesus?
	Air conditioning.
	Yeah.
	Does it feel, is it really a thing?
	Well, like now, when you think about it, because you've been traveling a lot, right?
	You're in hotels, you're on planes.
	It just like my voice is busted.
	So that when I tour, the same thing.
	It's the air conditioning, it's just cold, synthetic air.
	It's never right, is it?
	No.
	That's why when I get hotel rooms, I always try to get, I can open a fucking window.
	Yeah.
	Because it's been, like I say, four days I've been in a hotel or in a car or anything like that.
	Or, you know, studios are cold.
	So yeah, it just busts my voice.
	Sometimes when I go to certain places, I'll stay in a place that doesn't have any air conditioning.
	And at first you're like, this sucks.
	But by like the second night, you kind of get into like this real natural sort of pattern kind of.
	Yeah.
	And your body kind of self-regulates itself with heat and everything.
	It's so much better for you.
	But yeah, it just, it buckles my voice.
	I'm actually going to have some free water.
	Did you see, well, you said you have ADHD, huh?
	And how'd you get it?
	Just bought it at the store.
	Just go down fucking pick it up.
	Oh, so it's not something that's developed?
	No, born with it.
	Well, I don't think.
	Well, I was born with it.
	I was diagnosed at 16. Been medicated on and off for ever.
	I fucking hate it.
	You really?
	Yeah.
	I really struggle with it.
	I find it really hard.
	Like, how do you notice it?
	Because sometimes I wonder, how do you notice it?
	Like, where do you notice that?
	Because 16 is kind of a young age to diagnose somebody with something, but that's how we do it.
	And especially in the 90s as well.
	Like, it's everywhere now, which is great.
	You know, people talk about it so much now.
	But back then, ADHD was just like, shut up and sit down, have a pill, fuck off.
	It's not just a hyperactivity thing.
	It's lacking in dopamine and all that.
	And I just, I, I just run in circles.
	I can't grab a thought.
	I find it as I get older, it's kind of getting harder.
	It's weird.
	Like, as I say, I'm medicated for it.
	But I get the medication makes me anxious.
	So it's like, well, which fucking devil do you choose to hang out with?
	You're going to be like, well, I'll just be scattered and full on or not as scattered, not as full on, but anxious as fuck.
	And I don't know if it's a career thing as well, you know, with more success and all that, with so much going on and so much demand, but I find it hard to cop a break with it.
	It bums me hard.
	See all this stuff online how people are like, ADHD, you know, I find it's like my superpower.
	And I'm like, fuck you.
	I don't find that at all.
	People, again, I think it might be a social media thing.
	It's like, it's great.
	It means I can do that and do that and do that and do that.
	I'm like, I can't do that or that or half of that or any of that.
	And I've got a heap of people that work for me and I fucking hate them all because they don't do enough for me.
	It's just, I find it exhausting.
	And it's the dopamine thing.
	I don't, we don't produce dopamine, that fucking drug that makes you happy.
	Damn.
	And it, it's, it's just, it's hard.
	I find it really, really hard.
	So people with ADHD don't produce dopamine?
	I think we just don't quite, I think we are, it's harder.
	It's a lot harder for us to produce dopamine.
	Like 10 times harder, I think it is.
	And I really, I feel that on a fucking cellular level trying to write a stand-up show.
	Like you need the dopamine.
	You need the excitement.
	I need a brain that can work, that can go, that's funny, that's funny.
	Bring it in.
	People with ADHD have at least one defective gene.
	Oh, damn, your shit's messed up.
	Yeah, we're fucking hard.
	Gene makes it difficult for neurons to respond to dopamine, the neurotransmitter that is evolving feelings of pleasure and the regulation of attention.
	Can you please tell me what people actually have at least.
	See, I have to read it again.
	Can you please tell me what the DRD2 gene is?
	Is that just, I wonder if that's what's in Britlin.
	Dopamine receptor D2, also known as D2R, is a protein that in humans is encoded by the DRD2 gene.
	Yeah, dopamine.
	The dopamine D2 receptor is the main receptor for most antipsychotic drugs.
	The structure of DR2 and complex with the atypical.
	It's not helping me.
	No, it's just so many words for me right now.
	Yeah, it's a lot.
	Pretty pictures, though.
	You reckon I've got antidote.
	I did.
	I was like, they look like streamers.
	That's what I thought when I looked at that.
	Yeah, because I just, I'd say, what if I take an antidepressants?
	I got off like three months ago and then I just got back on like two days ago.
	I just couldn't take it anymore.
	I was on antidepressants.
	Coming off though, actually, my last stand-up show, I talked a lot about that.
	That's no fucking joke coming off those.
	Did you find it really hard?
	Yeah, I found it hard.
	I found the harder part for me is realizing that I have to go back on right now because I think I didn't want to have to be back on.
	And traveling in Australia has been, it's just been tough.
	It's been tough to like, I had a good pattern of like fitness and stuff at home.
	And I've still been doing well, but just not as organized.
	Your sleep patterns get off so it put me in a like a real I got into like I got real angry and then I got like in a real tough spot and I just didn't know what else to do so I was like I think I just have to get back on them so I think part of me was really bummed out that I had to yeah yeah I understand that I remember when I had to go I was on them then I went off and went back on them and I thought the same thing I was like I don't want to be trapped
	on it I felt trapped on antidepressants because it takes so long to come off them like coming off them like takes six weeks you know wean yourself off I was like I just I don't want to have to do that again well I got on them like 20 years ago so I'm like have I just and the tough part is I don't have a lot of feelings I have feelings but it's hard to know what they are because the antidepressants kind of just make everything feel the same right and then a lot of times some feelings I don't process so I get in this tough spot where I'll get off the antidepressants so
	I can have some feelings right but then sometimes if I'm not careful there's some pitfalls and that can get you know pretty deep and so it's just tough because then it's like well like I wanted to like I want to get you know like married or something one day and so I start thinking well I don't even know how I feel about people sometimes like if I'm dating it's hard for me to even know because it's just hard for me to access my feelings it's yeah they they're numbing aren't they blunt yeah they blunt yeah everything kind of feels the same it's like oh man I
	just saw that dog get hit by a bus or do I like Sharon you know it's like exactly it's the same feeling you're trying and so so I was like I have to get off of these or I'm just going to be stuck in this cycle of not knowing how I feel about someone you know yeah but then it's got it's just gotten too steep recently so I'm gonna get back on I am back on now and then maybe I'll get off whenever I get back home see I'm when I'm touring I'm in the best routine isn't that weird wow when I'm
	at home I'm so fucking scattered with the kids and life and trying just to and I think because I probably have my husband there as well I'm like help and is a husband helpful or is a husband not helpful no he's brilliant let's get to the bottom of it yeah that's the only reason I'm here really yeah it's always with the children to see how great my yeah damn he's all time no he's brilliant is it hard to love somebody after you're like married for a while or does it get different kind of it's
	not hard to love him we've been together for 20 years oh wow I think I mean he's the only thing I've committed to and not I'm not don't just mean person I mean thing I ADHD you can't I don't know how to really really really crave stability yet I'm fucking terrified by it but I need it so it's and I have that with him
	so it's different sure but it's it's I'm I love yeah stability and I get that from him oh that's nice it's so great and he's yeah is it hard to make that decision yeah because I think I have like a tough time of commitment I just it's like fucking the last thing I want to do well I think I'm a goal orientated person as well so like I kind of met him and went let's go I also fell pregnant so we got married oh you did yeah but
	we were together for two months yeah week and a half no um eight years wow yeah ages long distance we've always been long distance you have yeah something kind of nice about it it's almost sort of a romantic and long distance like you're coming back from war yeah he's going off with the troops or whatever absolutely he's at home making things for me making it nice making the weapons yeah making the pie that i eat when i come in and
	so now with touring and being away for work we're kind of used to it yeah yeah do australian comedians feel like they have to go to america you have to get that american audience is there like a feeling like that i don't um i don't think so i mean for me yes because my audience is there right because of the internet but there's some fucking brilliant australian comics that are my favorite that are here and are killing it here and don't have to go anywhere and oh it's nice i don't i mean i don't i'm sure they probably want to go do what they want to do but they're killing it here they don't need to because
	it's a smaller pool as well so you know you a lot of our comedians are all on tv as well they get great you know jobs on tele they don't need to worry about fucking off over there yeah yeah i know it's so nice here it's so safe that's the craziest thing it's like you can go somewhere and you're not going to get killed well yeah by a gun you might buy a fucking shark yeah yeah but you're going to notice that your pants are getting wet first before when you go swim in the ocean you're like today might be the fucking day yeah yeah but
	not just walking down the street yeah you're not milling in a park and it's all yeah exactly tarantula just runs its face dope shark just rolls up on you fucking alligator comes after you oh we have a yeah it's one of our most dangerous animals over there is is just homeless people and um is the gun drugs and the gun can you imagine if guns were all over your country i fucking can't when i'm over there i'm in the states i'm like i we rolled into a place when i was
	doing a show on the last tour and 500 meters down the street there was a shooting at the at the local mall yeah i was like are we alerting authorities to get me the fuck out of here like you know i it's the biggest thing in the world for us it's the biggest if there's a shooting where in new south wales is there's a shooting in queensland i'm telling you siren alarms will go off here oh yeah it's and i remember then these women came to my show that night and
	i do a meet and greet after and it's that thing as well do i talk about it when i get on stage what do i do it was so close by like three people were shot and killed no but like it's like what the yeah and then i you know you make the decision not to talk about it because it's like i'm giving you guys an hour of laughter and i don't want to be that australian that comes in and goes you guys are fucked and then i did a meet and greet and there was this group of women after and i was talking to them yeah
	and i was like that's really full on with what happened and they just glazed over well no they just you have to because they're going to put their kids on a fucking school bus the next day and send them off to school.
	It's like, yeah, anyway, do you miss your kids when you travel without them?
	Oh, you guys have different coping mechanisms than we have.
	It's built different.
	Oh, well, no, it's gotten extremely just severe and bizarre over there.
	It blows my mind.
	People are like wishing their children well and like getting them like Kevlar and stuff for Christmas and like bullet resistant things.
	It's just and all the debates that go on after there's a shooting, they're like, well, you know why this is?
	It's because some random man had an issue once with his mother and found, and I'm like, what's the end of that?
	What's the end of that sentence?
	A gun.
	You fuckheads.
	Like, what the fuck?
	I agree with you, but how would you get rid of?
	That's the problem is at this point, there's no.
	No, you're fuck.
	You're so far in with your NRA and everyone's all up in everyone in.
	It's like, how would you get all the guns?
	Well, we did a buyback system in Australia.
	We did.
	We had a mass shooting, Port Arthur, 96, was it?
	Oh.
	And it was the greatest mass shooting we've had in this country.
	And then our government did a buyback system.
	You got $300 for everyone who brought in their fucking guns.
	And they fucking, sure, there's psychos who were like, no, we get smoker.
	But we did a buyback system.
	In America, I bet you would get $20,000.
	Hey, I have an idea.
	Fuck off.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	You would get, you're right.
	Shot in the fucking face.
	You got to cut all this out because now I'm terrified when I go to America, I'm getting shot in the fucking face.
	No, she's not getting shot.
	I sent a DM to Pablo Escobar's wife when she got out of prison, and I haven't been killed yet.
	So I didn't know.
	I thought she was single.
	I thought.
	Oh, you sent it like a fucking DM.
	I mean, I didn't say like.
	Oh, I thought you were like, congratulations, he's out.
	I wish you both all the best now that, oh, dude.
	I just said, ola, mama.
	But still, I think, yeah, people could perceive that wrong.
	But like, I, I, yeah, you're going to be fine.
	But yeah, it's so crazy.
	You don't realize how less stress I feel being here.
	It's like, I don't even want to go back.
	Part of me doesn't even want.
	It's so fucking scary.
	You don't realize that there's always this thought in the back of your head that somebody's going to just fucking.
	He's got a gun.
	I think shooters are the worst.
	They show up.
	They kill 19 people.
	They're just trying to shoot one guy.
	Fucking hell.
	They have the worst aim.
	We've got to start training these kids to shoot better.
	I'm going to stay out of that one.
	I reckon I got in and out.
	I'm doing everything I can to get the fuck out of this now.
	Cancel my tour.
	I'm not going.
	I don't even care.
	I don't know what the solution is.
	But yes.
	I do.
	Fucking guns.
	I agree with you, but how do you get rid of them?
	Because the criminals are not going to turn them in.
	And the guy that's afraid the criminal isn't going to turn it in isn't going to turn it in.
	Don't you have incentives to buy guns over there?
	You open a bank account, you get a gun.
	Maybe start there.
	People don't want.
	Yeah, nobody would.
	It's just too ingrained in the culture.
	Yeah, no one's going to like, right?
	If you try to take somebody's fucking belly button, you get shot in the face.
	People would be pretty TO'd.
	Have you seen, I'm sure you have, it's very popular, Jim Jeffries' bit on gun control in America?
	It's good.
	He's so spot on.
	He's such a legend.
	Have you gotten to meet him?
	No.
	That bit he does is fucking brilliant.
	It terrifies me, though, when I'm over there.
	It terrifies us.
	It's really not cool.
	I run my mouth.
	I run my mouth a lot.
	When I get there, I'm like, well, I can't.
	But you guys are charming.
	You guys are like a, like a, like a, like when the, you know, when the, um, the, the rare white wombat comes to the zoo or whatever.
	I feel like that's what it's like when Australians come.
	People want to go see what's going on.
	Look at them.
	They're in a cage.
	You got your fun.
	You got your fun, yeah.
	Give them a celery, you know?
	Are they all British?
	I just feel like people are so intrigued about seeing you guys.
	But there is a peacefulness over here.
	What else is it about it?
	Have you been to New Zealand?
	Yeah, we went to New Zealand.
	That's where it's at.
	I fucking love it.
	It's beautiful.
	I love it over there.
	It's very unique.
	It's magical.
	I'd move there in a heartbeat.
	We went to Auckland as well, and you meet people who are saying stuff, making sounds that they don't know what they're saying.
	They're using only vowels.
	I've met people who use only vowels.
	What are you doing on the side?
	Zero continents.
	You're like, wow.
	Come fucking out.
	Like a fucking witch then.
	Oh, I saw a guy sprain.
	He sprained his fucking spine trying to finish a sentence.
	I think you just maybe ran into someone who happened to be on fucking ice.
	Like, that doesn't, it's not how New Zealanders speak.
	It could have been.
	Like the one dude who's on fucking meth in the street you rock up and talk to.
	There could have been some trankies going on.
	Let's bring up that one video of this girl.
	Do you see this video of this young lady?
	It's so funny.
	When you're putting your mind to it, you know exactly what to do indoors.
	How was that for you?
	Oh, it was amazing.
	I mean, it was such a strong race.
	We were all running so fast.
	Middleball running in the 50s.
	So I knew I had to go out fast.
	I'd leak in front of me, so I wanted to be in front of them.
	And that's hoping she was behind me.
	Hang on.
	Where's she from?
	What accent is that?
	I can't get past it.
	That's Disney's, bro.
	She's from Disney.
	Oh, boy.
	Sorry, can you play?
	Let's play it.
	Is that alright if we pick a play?
	I just need to fucking know.
	Again, you know what?
	I can feel right now, the front part of my fucking brain.
	You know exactly what to do.
	She's British.
	Indoors.
	How was that for you?
	What are you?
	It was amazing.
	I mean, it was such a strong race.
	We were all running so fast.
	Mildred Pool running in the 50s.
	So I knew I had to go out fast.
	I'd leak in front of me, so I wanted to be in front.
	And I could hear how British was behind me.
	So I was like, okay, this is how he keeps going.
	And it's funny so amazing.
	My mate's like, you've Put the mic on the wrong bitch.
	She's that's Mickey Mouse.
	You know, when she's not doing that, she's a suit operator at fucking Disneyland and Mickey Mouse.
	She's gotta be.
	That's amazing.
	See, you could convince yourself Mickey Mouse has just broken the 400 meter indoor world record fans react as Femke Bowl.
	Femkey Bowl's interview.
	Oh, Glasgow.
	Oh, she's Scottish.
	Glasgow.
	Have you toured over there in the UK?
	Yeah, boy.
	Yeah.
	But I've never been so tired of just being like, right?
	That was fucking great.
	With the American, hang on, American cartoon character.
	The Dutch runner and the world championship with a world record of 49.24 seconds in the 400, but blew past the timing again in Glasgow.
	What happened?
	I want to know what happened 30 seconds before that.
	Interview.
	Did she rock up?
	And they were like, let's do an interview.
	And her mate was like, it was amazing.
	Her mate was like, I don't reckon we need to do an interview.
	I reckon we're good.
	But Mickey Mouse was like, oh, I've cracked.
	And they're like, no, we've already achieved so much.
	We just nailed it.
	She's like, I've always, you guys never let me do interviews.
	Can I do an interview?
	And they're like, all right, gird your loins.
	Here she is.
	It's a small world.
	That's crazy, man.
	That's funny.
	Any other news, guys?
	Anything else that's going on?
	No, that's the only thing that's going on in the world.
	Fucking Mickey Mouse went for a run.
	Me and there's other biggest stuff we could talk about.
	Oh, yeah.
	They went to the zoo.
	Oh, yeah, I saw that.
	Great.
	Well done.
	Not surprised.
	I think it's like an Australian tradition coming here and going to the zoo, huh?
	Yeah, I think so.
	It's a pretty cool zoo.
	Oh, it's like, it's like a sanctuary as well.
	And they do conservation.
	They do some fucking great work there.
	I thought it was way hands-on.
	I was kind of surprised.
	And yeah, it's like you really get close to some animal.
	The Kelsey man has a brother.
	Is that correct?
	And did he just retire from something?
	Yeah, he plays football.
	He played for the NFL for the Philadelphia Eagles.
	Is that the same team as the other Kelsey man that just won the Super Bowl?
	No.
	Because I saw his press.
	Very tearfilled.
	I thought his mother had died.
	It was a lot of tears.
	I was like, we all fucking retire.
	What happened?
	It meant a lot to him.
	But it's easy to do.
	He went through a lot of stuff.
	He went through like, also, he talked about like his family.
	He got real deep into it.
	I think sometimes it's almost you wonder, though, like, are they trying to get them to do more now?
	I thought it was very genuine and touching, but yeah, he was, he had a lot of.
	I thought it was very genuine and very touching.
	I just didn't need to hear it.
	I was like, maybe on a podcast, like, you know, you're going on later and having a chat to someone about, but it went on and on.
	We had no cousins.
	It was just me and my mother and we just like, just come out and make the announcement.
	I'm done.
	It's been a great season.
	It's been a great 40 years that I've been playing catch up.
	I was like, bitch, you still fucking crying.
	Like, it just went on for me.
	International Women's Day is so disrespectful.
	Oh, that's a good point on International Women's Day.
	Do you think that people are less emotional in Australia?
	No, I think we're still pretty emotional.
	Yeah, I just don't think we have as much media attention on it.
	Like, you know what I mean?
	And especially him, it's kind of interesting the side effects of like, because I've always thought Travis Kelsey liked darker women, right?
	That's always been the.
	I don't know the man.
	Like, if he, if he ate an Oreo, he would just eat the size.
	Oh, right.
	Well, he's not now.
	You know, not now.
	I mean, now he's going heavy cream.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	He's going full cream.
	Yeah.
	So it's just, I think a lot of people, yeah, I think there's a lot of like, a lot of people wondering the reality behind that.
	Like, is it real?
	You know?
	Yeah, I think a lot.
	Fucking media.
	You don't know what their strategy is.
	You don't know what their plan is.
	You know, they could easily approach people and say, this is what we want to do.
	Yeah.
	Well, Australia shat themselves when he flew in for one of her concerts.
	Well, yeah, that's the crazy part.
	I just wonder what his life is going to be like now, because that's a level I feel like of fame that's kind of like miserable.
	Every interview is asking about her.
	And it will be for the rest of his life.
	Yeah.
	It's Taylor Swift.
	Can't fight that.
	I wonder if you think about that before you, but maybe you don't.
	I don't know.
	I'm just thinking out loud, you know?
	I mean, if you're really in love, you don't.
	Well, that's what I was going to say.
	If you love someone, you're like, well, whatever.
	Who cares?
	But I think if you go in with it, with an idea of it being an arrangement, then it's different.
	So maybe it is love.
	Do you know what I mean?
	If you don't, if you love someone, you just go into it.
	And then you find yourself in interviews always talking about them, always talking about your relationship.
	Yeah.
	Gosh.
	Gosh.
	I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy that level of fame.
	Fuck.
	I couldn't do it.
	Yeah.
	It feels like a lot.
	No.
	No.
	Oh, no.
	It already, sometimes it's weird when it starts to feel like your own name doesn't even belong to you anymore.
	Does that make any sense to you?
	It makes absolute sense to me.
	Even when I'm on a fucking phone call, calling, you know, my kids' school.
	Hi, Celeste Barber.
	Like, shut up.
	Like, I feel like going, can I speak to so-and-so?
	Or, yeah, saying, even saying my name now feels kind of weird.
	Or when my mates are like, we get a table somewhere.
	They're like, say, say, Celeste Barber.
	Like, no.
	And they're like, we do?
	What do you fucking mean you do?
	You're not even there.
	I'm not there.
	I'm in America.
	How do you mean you got to fuck a table at Nobu in Sydney?
	They're like, no, it's fine.
	And then they just spent the whole time at dinner going, she's coming.
	That's actually a great idea.
	Yeah.
	If you're waiting for a table out there, make sure you say.
	Adele.
	Yeah.
	Adele.
	Get a table with Adele.
	Well, I'm glad I got to have a table for a little while today with Celeste Barber.
	Thanks for meeting up.
	I know you have a lot going on, and I know you have to go home to your son's birthday.
	Yeah, and his football game.
	No, it was good.
	It was good to come in.
	It was good to meet.
	I hope we made it work.
	Thanks for moving it as well.
	I know you had to move it around a bit for me.
	I appreciate it.
	That's all right.
	I'm glad that we got to.
	Yeah, I was trying to learn as much as I could about Australia, but I think we talked about Australia some, huh?
	Yeah.
	You're going to do like Great Barrier Reef or Great Ocean Road, any of those sort of things once you get to it.
	I think the next time I come, I'm going to come back one more time and make it a thing.
	Yeah.
	Just one more time before you die.
	Well, I don't know.
	I mean, I might come back more than that.
	I used to have a dream I would meet my wife in Australia.
	Yeah, right.
	But I think a lot of people romanticize stuff like that, you know?
	Yeah, nothing wrong with that.
	Yeah, no.
	It'd be nice, but you never know.
	But I think the first time I came, I did shows like, and it was like travel show the same day, that sort of thing.
	It was way too hard on me.
	It's too much.
	That's what my last tour, I did that.
	It's way too hard.
	And so this time we slowed it down.
	And it's been awesome.
	Got to be at the Gold Coast and see different places and spend a little bit more time in different cities.
	But then it also gets kind of long.
	You know, you're going for three weeks and you're like.
	Yeah.
	But my biggest audiences are in Australia.
	Yeah, right.
	Mine are in the States.
	Look at that.
	Wow.
	Isn't that weird?
	Yeah, that's the goal, isn't it?
	To slow it down so you can kind of live and enjoy work.
	But like I was saying, I can't have fucking kids and living so far away.
	Where did you go on the Gold Coast?
	We went to Paradise Cove or something.
	Surfers, Paradise.
	Surfers, yeah.
	It was good.
	We got some electric bikes and we got to ride out onto the water, like onto the beach.
	Yeah, wow.
	It was un might have been the neatest thing I've ever done.
	I literally felt like I was on the moon, which has never been new.
	Fucking magic beaches we have up there.
	That's where I live up there.
	Really?
	It's just like.
	Yeah, I know.
	It was so fucking good.
	I just wanted to just rip my fucking penis off.
	That's how I felt, really.
	Oh, well, you might find your wife up there.
	Who knows?
	Yeah, I guess, yeah.
	For some reason, when I'm having a good time, I'd literally want to rip my penis off and just throw it into whatever I'm having fun at.
	A kangaroo.
	Just whip it at a kangaroo at a sanctuary.
	No, those kangaroos are too dangerous.
	Yeah, they'll fuck you up.
	All right, Celeste Barbara, people can watch your special on Netflix.
	They can check out your tour.
	Now, will this also be coming to the States?
	Yeah, I'm there 2nd of May.
	Oh, okay.
	Netflix is a joke.
	Oh, that's right.
	And I've been touring for two months.
	Okay, so May, June.
	Yeah, buy fucking tickets.
	Celestebarba.com, please.
	Yeah, celestbar.com, please.
	I've enjoyed spending time with her.
	I'm sure you guys will too.
	And thank you so much.
	And happy birthday to your son.
	How old is he going to be?
	10. Oh, wow.
	It's such a big age.
	Yeah, double digits.
	God, he's growing up.
	His name's Buddy.
	It is a real name for someone.
	It's fucking Buddy.
	Wow.
	That's the best thing about Australia.
	People have names like Buddy and Poppy and Lily.
	Yeah.
	In America when we're there and my other son's name is Lou.
	They're like, hey, buddy.
	And Lou's like, no, that's him.
	Buddy's like, how does everyone know my name in America?
	In America, we have names like Bullet and Cask.
	Fucking stud and Todd.
	And Cock and Chunk.
	All right.
	Cheers, Celeste.
	Thank you.
	Now I'm just falling on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
	I can feel it in my bones.

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