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Feb. 21, 2024 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

02:27:04

E484 Trevor Wallace

Trevor Wallace is a stand-up comedian, podcaster and actor. He is known for his viral sketches and podcast “Stiff Socks” with co-host Michael Blaustein. His first ever stand-up special “Pterodactyl” is streaming now on Amazon Prime. Trevor Wallace returns to chat with Theo about the dark side of parking attendants, his insane ketchup-packet prank from childhood, opening an arena show for Tom and Bert, why Gypsy Rose should have been in the NBA All-Star Game, Rachel Dolezal’s new career move, and much more. Trevor Wallace: https://www.instagram.com/trevorwallace/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ BetterHelp: This show is sponsored by BetterHelp - go to http://betterhelp.com/theo to get 10% off your first month. BlueChew: Go to http://bluechew.com and use code THEO at checkout to try BlueChew for free - just pay $5 shipping! Babbel: Go to http://babbel.com/theo to get 50% off a one-time payment for a lifetime Babbel subscription. DoorDash: Sign up for DashPass today, only on DoorDash, and use code THEO24 to get up to 50% off a $10 value when you spend $12 or more after you sign up. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	I have some new tour dates to announce.
	I will be in St. Louis on April 18th.
	Get your tickets early starting Thursday, February 22nd at 10 a.m.
	local time with pre-sale code RATKIN.
	General on sale starts Friday, February 23rd at 9 a.m.
	local time.
	We also have tickets remaining in Atlanta for April 5th.
	Get all your tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
	And if they're really overpriced or overpriced or it's some secondary website, don't pay a lot.
	We'll come back through.
	And thank you for your support.
	Today's guest is my dog, a wonderful content creator, comedian, has a new comedy special out on Amazon Prime called Pterodactyl that I really enjoyed.
	I suggest you check it out.
	I'm grateful to spend time with him today.
	Today's guest is my friend, Mr. Trevor Wallace.
	Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I've been singing I'm going to stay And I will find a song I've been singing
	Parking attendants are always awesome shit.
	Oh, parking attendants, because you have to think one of the things that they, one of the things that the parking attendants deal with a lot is boredom, probably, and potential, I don't want to say suicide.
	Yeah, I would start more beef if I was them.
	Yeah.
	The shit in LA is so funny.
	It's like, if you're here for 15 minutes, it's $17.
	How are you getting that math?
	Where's that math from, bro?
	We're doing Bitcoin numbers out here?
	Dude, a lot of the behavior from parking attendants, you can tell that they, some of them have never driven a vehicle.
	Yeah, they don't have a car there.
	Yeah.
	They never have a car there.
	They get dropped off.
	The prices are arbitrary.
	It almost depends on how angry their wife was at them that morning as to how much you're going to have to pay.
	That's how I feel a lot of times, dude.
	And that guy, because you and I had the same location for our podcast.
	Yeah, we did.
	Yeah.
	And that got the parking attendant.
	We would find him.
	He started wearing no shoes in the bathroom.
	Really?
	It must be more freeing.
	I mean, he was there so much, it probably felt like home for him, you know?
	Yeah.
	Somebody taking the shit and kicking your shoes off.
	You know, it's kind of like a white flag.
	It's like a trees.
	Tree, you know?
	But yeah, the party at the end.
	My wife wins, you know?
	Exactly.
	Yeah.
	You tell me that dude's shit.
	Yeah.
	You about to be there for 25 minutes at least.
	Oh, you're working as shit if we're talking about it.
	Yeah, it's got to be weird just working there knowing like your job is going to be like done.
	And also, your office is three feet by four feet.
	Your office is a standing up coffin.
	When you die, they just tilt over the toll booth and just put it on the side and like, hey, he's buried right there.
	Dude, your office, that's a crazy thing.
	Your office, you can't even turn around in your office.
	You have to walk out sideways out of your office.
	It's kind of nice, though.
	He's got like a porch, which is this, the parking lot.
	Yeah.
	Well, he also had what the craziest thing that guy had was he had an air conditioning unit.
	Did he really?
	On the side of the.
	That's bigger than the whole unit.
	It was a port-a-potty with like an air conditioning unit on the side of it.
	Yeah, it was.
	And he would blast that bitch, man.
	He would be in there just getting frosty, bro.
	Yeah, that's fun, man.
	Yeah, that's quite a job, man.
	Yeah, there's been a lot of, I guess, because that's where King and the Sting was.
	That's where we did that.
	What other podcasts were in there, I wonder?
	Was there other ones?
	H3.
	H3 used to be in there.
	H3 was in the same building.
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	Fucking legendary.
	So that place has a little bit of history to it.
	There's some other shit going on over there, too.
	I always see couples who are fighting coming down the halls.
	So maybe there's like a couple's therapy in there.
	There's a, it's like that Jerry Springer outpost or whatever, like where you get tests or whatever that thing is.
	Wait, they have a Jerry Springer outpost in there?
	Dude, look at it.
	Look at Young Me.
	Wow, there's Callahan, dude.
	Even Callahan.
	Three years ago.
	I remember being so excited when I was on that episode.
	I watched it like the premiere.
	Really?
	Yeah, with the girl I was saying at the time.
	They're like, fucking on Kingston.
	Dude, that's so cool.
	That was fun, man.
	Yeah, it was awesome.
	There's been some good podcast studios, and a lot of them, I guess, move over time.
	I'm trying to think, because H3 moved out of there.
	Rogan's moved at least twice.
	I think he remodeled his new one in Austin.
	But he had the one that was out in Woodland Hills for years.
	What I always like about whenever you move yours, it always looks the same.
	So you never know if you're in LA or Nashville.
	Where are we right now?
	Who knows?
	Welcome to Tennessee, people.
	We're in Nashville right now.
	Where the tax savings are.
	Hell yeah, brother.
	Hell yeah.
	If the IRS and watch it, we are in Nashville.
	Tennessee.
	All year, or at least half of it.
	Yeo, boys.
	You had a show us on the Wilton?
	How was that?
	Yeah, I showed the Wilton.
	It was cool, man.
	Bro, a lot of the fucking Raza showed up, bro.
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, Sunday's a good day for the Raza, though.
	The fucking Raza because they're all off of work, dog.
	Oh, it's a holiday today.
	Oh, yes.
	President's Day?
	President.
	Yeah.
	Is it?
	President's Day.
	What is Biden doing today?
	Playing Angry Bird somewhere?
	Imagine what he's doing.
	I bet he's just kind of like this.
	I feel like President's Day should be like a bachelor party for him.
	Like, I think he should like...
	I think people look over the fact that Bill Clinton got head, and that's like so cool.
	Yeah, when you think about the fact that he did that, good.
	Yeah.
	Oh, somebody should, yeah, they should ripen up the president's nuts every now and then.
	I feel like that should be in the fucking contract.
	It's crazy how you work so hard to be president.
	You can't even get somebody to suck you off because you can get somebody to suck you off if you aren't president.
	Yeah.
	I've done it.
	I'm not president.
	If you go to Amsterdam, it's like $200.
	You get a quick nut off.
	And I ran for senior class president in high school and I didn't win, but I still got sucked off.
	Yeah, in Amsterdam?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, bro.
	I've been there too.
	I got an escort in Amsterdam.
	You go to Red Light District or you had somebody come to you?
	I went to Red Light District.
	You had somebody come to you?
	No, no, no.
	I was saying the DoorDasher.
	Yeah, my own Red Light District.
	I put my iPhone light up there.
	It's just, yeah.
	No, I went there.
	Yeah, it was interesting, man.
	Bro, yeah.
	What was that like?
	So, like, what was it like for you?
	And I'll tell you what it was like for me.
	it was.
	Were you by yourself?
	No, I was with four dudes, more socks.
	More socks, bro.
	Dude, the red light just all dudes.
	And then like families, which is weird.
	Like, what do you tell your kids?
	Here's mama back in the 90s.
	You know?
	Well, it's all dudes.
	And everybody, I think, is trying to pretend like they're not there.
	Yeah.
	They're acting like they're there for like the art of it.
	Yeah.
	And like when their wife goes like, I'm going to go get a troll, like, you're not going to go pop one off real quick.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah.
	It was a lot of just groups of dudes.
	It'd be funny because you could tell who did it already and who didn't.
	Because some groups would look curious and some guys would have like little, the guys who just did it would be like a little sweaty.
	Yeah.
	And they'd be coming out like, oh, yeah, we were at a bar just watching this one red door and the guys would come out like laughing or like ashamed.
	It was scary when I went in anyways because there's not like there's a red light and there's like no other lights really.
	Yeah.
	Well, there's a blue light.
	Do you know what that is?
	Is it for gay man?
	It is door, I believe, if you have tits and penis.
	Oh, for trans.
	Yeah.
	So it's like a trans light district.
	Yeah.
	Blue light district.
	The lights tell the story.
	Well, most of the time.
	Yeah, so that's like.
	What does it say?
	Can you give me some info on it?
	Let me see.
	Blue lights signify the prostitute is transgender.
	Red lights are for female.
	A mix of blue and red lights advertise a trans woman take on all commerce.
	Wow.
	That is just.
	So they got options.
	Yeah, male or female.
	Does it say anything else about it?
	That's interesting.
	I didn't know that, dude.
	But so anyways, it was interesting because, you know, at first, you're shocked at how crowded it is.
	It's just right on the main street.
	Walking down the street.
	Yeah, there's no barrier to entry.
	It was like Venice Beach.
	Like, it was just like, oh, get a kebab.
	Here's tits.
	There's like a Starbucks and then a star cucks?
	Fucks.
	Star Fucks.
	Yeah.
	How did I miss that?
	I don't know.
	I feel like that one you're talking about.
	That's right up my alley.
	So up your alley to feel like that, dude.
	Dude, yeah, there was like a star bucks and then a star fucks.
	Yes, right there.
	Except I wasn't a star fucking, I was nervous, dude.
	I didn't know, like, do I dirty talk?
	Oh, I didn't know.
	I remember getting two coffees before and I was like, that isn't going to fucking, I was at that age where you thought coffee like helped your wiener, you know?
	Is it not?
	No, it doesn't do anything.
	It makes you very scared of being in a room with somebody that you just met for sex.
	Yeah, dude.
	And it's so it's like the red door is illustrious and you walk in.
	Then they take you upstairs to like a cot.
	Yeah.
	And having sex on a cot is not great.
	Unless you're like in the army, then it's kind of fun.
	Yeah, it's very military style in there, I felt like.
	And the girl that's missionary in there, too.
	And this is what got me was the girl was mean.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	She's like, you want it?
	You know, put condom, put condom.
	Oh, that's kind of hot.
	And I was like, and I was so scared, dude.
	I remember putting my, putting the condom around my hole, like even putting my nuts into the can.
	That's probably smart for safety.
	Just like, just bagging your groceries.
	Cause I was a bagger for like 18 months even, but I just remember everything.
	You need to help out to the cart.
	And then I was so scared.
	We kind of started.
	It was just, it was just intense.
	And then there's like a guy kind of waiting downstairs.
	I remember we walked past like a pretty strong guy.
	Well, there's, she told me, she's like, you have 20 minutes.
	And I was like, I'll need 19. But the thought of it, now that I got a timer in my head, I'm like nervous.
	And it's so hard to get hard on demand.
	Oh, it's unbelievable.
	If I was in seventh grade, that would have been way easier, more illegal, but she could have been like sneeze.
	And I'd be like, yeah.
	But yeah, it was, it was that.
	And then she's like, oh, like, are you visiting?
	And she, and I, and I like start to like try to get up myself.
	And she's like, oh, no, I'll do it for you.
	I was like, damn, this is like a whole experience, whole catering here.
	Yeah, there was a lot of, I remember they put, after the, I remember after the condom was on, they would start a blowjob.
	Yeah, which can't taste good.
	Oh, I felt horror.
	I was like, oh, this isn't, you know, I even remember saying like, oh, this is not what my penis tastes like.
	You know, I didn't want her thinking that like, yeah, my penis tasted like the Michelin man or something.
	Yeah, it is weird.
	And I remember I said something out.
	It's basically like somebody that blows up balloons.
	Oh, yeah.
	Reverse guy.
	Reverse fucking clown with the balloon.
	But I remember like dirty talking, but I was too shy to say it loud.
	So under my breath, I was like, oh, it's fucking hot.
	I think she said what?
	And I was like, oh, nothing.
	Oh, I remember.
	Yeah.
	I said, I think, I even think I remember seeing like, let me see your pie or something.
	Did she show it?
	I mean, I'm sure she did.
	I don't know.
	It's so dark in there.
	You don't know what's going on, man.
	It was crazy.
	It's almost just like, please let me eject it so I can get back out of here.
	I do.
	I just, I just, I mean, mainly for this story, but the whole time, the post-night regret was crazy.
	Because right after I walked out, another dude walked in and I was like, oh, no.
	She doesn't care about me.
	Oh, definitely.
	Oh, that's part of it too.
	You're like, oh, there's nothing, there's nothing emotional about it at all.
	It's like, lay down, put on condom.
	Yeah, and they put like a paper towel over my dick.
	So I had kind of like a placemat, which is kind of respectful if you think about it.
	They put like a towel over it.
	Oh, yeah.
	Just so it's not like touching like skin on skin, which is kind of cool.
	Like, you know, have a little bib.
	Yeah, to have like a plan like that.
	I remember I walked past the same door the next day and I saw her.
	And my first thought was, I wonder if she remembers me.
	Wow.
	And she didn't.
	No way.
	I walked right past her.
	I like didn't like wave or anything, but I walked extra slow.
	Because in my head, like, how cool would that be?
	And she's like, it goes mild.
	Yeah, right.
	She's with another man.
	What if she remembers anybody from those years, you know?
	Because I think to them, it's probably, I would love to be able to talk to one of those.
	That'd be a really good answer.
	That'd be honest.
	That'd be a really good idea.
	I learned what it's like and like, what is the turnover like?
	And then you have sex with them and now it's plug talk.
	You know about that show?
	Plug talk?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	That's Adam 22. Yeah.
	I think about that format all the time.
	That's a crazy.
	You just interview, you just interview a porn style.
	You're like, yeah, so tell me what it was like growing up in Michigan.
	And then four minutes later, just like If I hosted that show, I would interview for, I don't know, 19 seconds and then be like, cool, let's fuck.
	Like, to do an hour, then to do ad reads, tour dates, like, let me fuck.
	That's crazy.
	Oh, dude, to stop in the middle of fucking to talk about a VP in a browser.
	Bro, that show is insane.
	Like, imagine if you and I. Doc doc.
	It is actually insane.
	It's insane.
	Ship station.
	Exactly.
	Imagine if you and I in three minutes had to start fucking, bro.
	That would be crazy.
	I think we're at that point now.
	Cut the lights.
	I mean, it's crazy that that's what we have to compete with in podcasting.
	Like, not only do shows like mine have to compete with like amazing shows like yours and like Tim Dylan, but I also have to compete with shows where they fuck and there's hot chicks on it.
	Oh, I know.
	It's just crazy, man.
	Like, that's the, that's competition right now.
	It's just where it is.
	It's where, you know, everything has like an OnlyFans element.
	I think even at like in the future.
	Etsy, you can buy nudes.
	Yeah.
	I'm not shocked, man.
	You can, I think even on, in the future, I wonder if it would be like, you're at the grocery store and you're like making a salad and you can like.
	There's an option.
	Yeah, for an extra, you know, $3, you can see somebody's just for 30 cents.
	You can do it.
	You know?
	Yeah, because sometimes it's just like an add-on.
	You know, like at the end when I'm checking out, it's like, oh, would you like to donate an extra dollar for this local charity?
	I'm like, no.
	But if it was a stripper name charity.
	Yeah.
	Now we're talking.
	Yeah.
	Somebody's seeing an add-on tip.
	Like that could be a fun.
	Like, think about that parking guy at that old spot.
	Like, he's like, oh, 17 at park.
	What the fuck?
	You're 18, but you'll see a tip.
	Yeah.
	Like, all right, I'll pull up.
	Yeah, I'll park here for a little, for a night or two.
	Slide.
	Yeah, I'll pull up.
	I'll pull up.
	I'll stop by.
	Dude, you know, they just found a, they just found a bunch of gay fish somewhere.
	Where was that at?
	Fish boots.
	I think it was just gay fish they had.
	Where was this?
	Pull it up.
	Is it rainbow trout?
	It could have been.
	Imagine being a trout.
	Somebody calls you a rainbow trout.
	Oh, fuck that.
	It's on, bro.
	Wait, Baru?
	Yeah, if there's a place.
	A taxonomy of gay animals.
	Oh, bro, if you call me a rainbow trout, it's on site.
	Splash, homie.
	If I'm a fish, it's on splash.
	A taxonomy of gay animals.
	Wow.
	Taxonomy?
	Is that where they stuff you when you're dead?
	Taxidermy.
	Taxidermy.
	A lot of black people are getting stuffed now when they die.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Bring up a couple of stuffed.
	These searches are crazy.
	Yeah, well, yeah.
	It's not you.
	It's the fucking producers back there.
	I think every podcast producer's laptop should be taken to the CIA to be studied.
	It'll be like, is Jiz edible?
	Where is Epstein located?
	2024, not clickbait.
	Miley Cyrus leaked nudes.
	Joe Biden hog size question mark.
	Dude, what did you find?
	There's, you know, there's some, there's stuff in a lot of brothers now at funerals.
	No, like at.
	There was a guy, and he, he was a black dude.
	He, they like took his body to like a nightclub after he passed.
	That's what I'm talking about.
	He was like standing up in the club.
	Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
	I have seen that a lot of times.
	Honestly, like that's kind of cool.
	But like imagine you like spill a drink on him.
	You're like, oh, wait.
	Bro, black guy, nightclub, dead body.
	That's going to bring up a million shit.
	136,000 in 3.7 seconds.
	Wait, type in like dead body goes to a nightclub.
	Yeah, that's good.
	They had him like propped up and playing his music.
	Yeah, that was it.
	Do you know what you'd want to wear in a casket?
	Are you going to go cremation?
	I want to get vaped.
	Do you?
	Yeah.
	You want to go what?
	Like, put me in like a jewel and then like vape me out.
	Like, if you can get cremated, can I get fucking out?
	Yeah.
	I think vapes would be hilarious.
	I wouldn't mind being almost like blackened or whatever or like pecan crusted.
	Oh, pecan crusted.
	So people roll up and like, wow, that's pretty cool.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	Like a blackened salmon's really good.
	Oh, so good.
	I think if you did something, Dead Rapper's Body.
	Yeah, I think this is it.
	Propped up in club for disrespectful public viewing.
	I don't know if it's disrespectful.
	I don't think so either.
	A lot of areas.
	Well, he's got a Mirror on.
	Yeah, definitely.
	So he obviously is a big fan of the show Power.
	Dude, he's just in the club dead.
	Where else do you want to be, though?
	I guess.
	Imagine if the DJ didn't know he's dead.
	He's like, yo, put your hands up.
	He's just like, oh, nothing?
	All right, man.
	Fuck you too then.
	He just can't do it.
	It costs extra to get his head.
	He's got two people behind him.
	But that's the kind of thing I think you're going to start seeing more of.
	You're going to start to see people want to be seen.
	They want attention.
	There's not as much respect for being dead as there used to be.
	No.
	I mean, most people, have the amount of cremations gone up?
	I'm really curious about that.
	The annual number of cremations in the United States is expected to rise from 1.91 million in 2022 to 2.26 million by 2030 and a 2.94 million by 22. What is the cremation trend in 2023?
	What is this such fucking TikTok?
	And I guess people have less faith and stuff now.
	They're not involved with the church because wasn't that a lot?
	Do you think that's one of the reasons like why people get cremated?
	Cremation rate in the United States from 1960 to 2035.
	How much does it cost to get cremated?
	Oh, look at this.
	Those are good numbers.
	Well, it's unbelievable.
	1960 was 3.56% cremation rate.
	That also looks like every chart ever in the world ever invented.
	That's actually a really good point.
	They could have just put anything on that.
	2035 says 77.8%.
	How much does it cost to get cremated?
	And is there like a group rate?
	I think there's like a chart.
	Wait, it's like $1,000.
	Direct cremation cost comparison in the top 10 cities in the U.S. So if you want to get cremated in LA, you're looking at $1,655 or low cost.
	Wait, there is.
	Why is there a low cost?
	What do they do with a Bic lighter?
	What the fuck's the difference, dude?
	Yeah.
	Low cost.
	It's like the Uber pool.
	You're in there with a bunch of other dudes.
	It's just a little bit of a mix.
	Yeah, exactly.
	I think it is.
	I put the bag back in it and it has like braces in it or something.
	Is this a sketcher?
	I kind of want both.
	I just want to go.
	I'm going to do half my body cremation, half is going to be casket.
	So it looks like I'm still in a casket because I still want to be like spread somewhere.
	Top cast, top is casket body.
	And what was the cost of the half cost, Nick?
	Maybe like a centaur or something.
	The price of what?
	The half cost, the cheaper one?
	$9.55.
	$9.55 for that cheaper off.
	I still want to be spread somewhere, but like I also want to be buried.
	Yeah, I think you get both options.
	Oh, this would be sick, dude.
	So your top half is coffin, open coffin.
	Exactly.
	That's what I'm saying.
	Right?
	And you could just fucking do like that or something.
	You throw the blood sign.
	Or even just put one of these down here so your buddy so I can see it.
	Bro, that would be so sick.
	And then have like a note on the casket that's like open for a surprise.
	Oh, what is that?
	Dude, maybe just favorite buckles like this.
	One of those right there?
	Could you imagine?
	That'd be so.
	Yeah, you have to.
	Bro, that would be the fucking best.
	And then the bottom half of you totally cremated, bro.
	And if you can offer the ladies if they want to take some home, they can take a little bit, like a little key bump or something.
	Yeah, take a fucking key bumpy.
	And it's extra for the crotch area.
	Exactly.
	Exactly.
	Or I would do like, I would put like the paraplegic legs on me.
	So when I go to heaven, people think that like, oh, he fought in a war.
	I'm like, oh, no, I just wanted to be spreading sanity.
	A warist gump or something?
	Like, what the fuck are you talking about?
	You think people just are going to give you more props in heaven?
	Yeah.
	Because you're handicapped?
	Yeah.
	Well, if I have paraplegic legs, like fake legs.
	It's definitely a showstopper.
	But you're going to have angel wings.
	The legs are just going to slow you down.
	You're flying.
	So now you're just this angel.
	Yeah, but if I take them off, I'm so light.
	Oh, yeah, that's true.
	But then I forgot my legs.
	Yeah, that would be.
	Lose, lose.
	Yeah.
	Door dash, baby.
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	Yeah, but I would go cremation ways down.
	There's got to be options where what is the difference I wonder between the higher cost of cremation and the lower cost?
	Maybe like a finer grain.
	Like when you ground coffee beans, you can do like espresso or you can do like a more coarse one.
	Maybe it's like a finer grain.
	Like an Americano or something.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Where would you want your ashes to be spread?
	Dude, I would spread them in some rich asshole's fucking house, probably.
	Yeah.
	Just randomly.
	The yard?
	Just somewhere like somebody who would like it would bother them, you know?
	Yeah.
	Like somebody you just want to get under their skin a little bit.
	You'll never leave them.
	That's good.
	Maybe give a little, give a half ounce to your kids or something.
	Yeah, they can spread it?
	Yeah, hopefully keep it, you know.
	How would they do like a modern-day anthrax, maybe?
	Like put in somebody's mail.
	Oh, I love that.
	Is anthrax still around or did fentanyl take it?
	Anthrax, yeah, I guess fentanyl totally took its job.
	Damn.
	Yeah, people were getting got in like a Macy's catalog.
	With anthrax?
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah, it was dead.
	In mail.
	Oh, yeah, you definitely, a perfume sample and you're dead, dude.
	Like, oh, an East Bay magazine.
	Two puffs of Dior and you're fucking fucked out of here.
	What happened with that?
	I'm not saying, like, bring it back, but like, where'd it go?
	No, I'm just saying, bro, that people will pop up in a Johnson and Murphy catalog.
	Eddie Bauer catalog is fucking you up.
	So on there, it said the top places to get ashes.
	Oh, popular places to scatter ashes.
	This is interesting.
	I'm sure somebody spread it at a Theovan show for sure.
	I think somebody spread it out.
	Do you think?
	100%.
	Bro, what about that story?
	Definitely.
	Yeah, maybe something could have happened.
	What about that story?
	Remember, there was a girl went to a Dane Cook show and disappeared after it.
	You ever see that?
	Oh, no, I didn't.
	Yeah.
	It's on this episode of this show, Disappeared.
	And if you like shows about people that are missing and everything, and I love that kind of stuff.
	I love missing people.
	But that, yeah.
	Can you find that nick?
	She got kidnapped or she just went missing.
	They don't know, bro.
	And she was like a huge Zane Cook fan, went to his show, and a lot of people thought he had something to do with it.
	Did he ever speak publicly on it?
	I don't know.
	He had a whole bit about it.
	He had a bit on it?
	Yeah, you can't monetize a missing person.
	But you have to, I think you do something as an homage, man.
	Yeah, give me an homage, yeah.
	That's true.
	But it's like, God, that would be so crazy.
	Somebody went missing after.
	Bro, people have definitely gone missing after one of your shows.
	Probably somebody just fucking disappeared.
	Maybe back in front of their family, but they're still alive.
	I think they just dapped on their wife or something.
	Somebody fell through a portal in a vape shop after one of your shows, bro.
	Definitely a couple of DUIs for sure.
	For sure.
	Yeah, I've had people text me afterwards, like, had a great time at your show, got a DUI on my way home.
	I've had that.
	It's like, yeah, at least you made a home.
	But yeah, there was this big thing I was seeing somewhere like that about gay fish online.
	Was there anything on that, Nick?
	It's just a lot of Kanye South Park results.
	Okay.
	Dude, once we start eating gay fish, dude, we are.
	I think tilapia might be up there.
	I think, because tilapia is just like a mixture of like fish, isn't it?
	Tilapia is like a definitely like a gangbang of fish.
	Right, that's what I'm saying.
	I've never heard of it.
	You've never seen like, oh, look at the tilapia.
	I've never been at the Sandy Gazum.
	Oh, they got tilapias here.
	Oh, they keep making fake fish, dude.
	Every, like, I've talked about this many times.
	Like, every five months, like, oh, check out this, the barramundi, you know, or the white fish or the wee fish or the go fish, dude.
	Yeah, it just never ends.
	Isn't tilapia like made in a farm?
	Like, it's like not a normal, like, it's not, it's like, it's not bred in the wild.
	Yeah, I never see, I've never seen like somebody catch a tilapia at all.
	Let me see.
	Tilapia is the common name for nearly a hundred species of fish.
	Yeah, it's kind of like just a mutt of a fish.
	They're mainly freshwater fish inhabiting shallow streams.
	Yeah, they're fucking total crack fish, dude.
	It's as if somebody took a net and just picked up everything at Skid Row and made like a bologna with a fish.
	Yes.
	Bologna is like five different animals in one, right?
	Oh, bologna is, yeah, baloney should be on episode of Plug Talk.
	I feel like it's fucking just fans.
	It's one of the girls I interviewed.
	Yeah.
	But baloney is fucking delicious.
	I don't know what it is.
	What do you talk about on a show before you know you have to fuck?
	That's what's so funny to me.
	It's like a 30-minute or an hour-long episode, and they're just like talking about their upbringing, and then they're just, it's so, it blows, it fascinates me.
	And my favorite part, and I know Adam, and they're really nice to me and everything.
	Yeah, same man.
	I've been on his show.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	But they have like the wired headphone, like the TED Talk headphone.
	While they're having sex?
	Maybe, but during the interview.
	So which it makes the interview seem so much more prolific to be like, so tell me about, you said you are a big fan of smooth R ⁇ B. And then he just has that on.
	This was it?
	Yeah, it was a guy that went missing.
	Oh.
	Kyle's mom had just been diagnosed with cancer.
	He and his mom vowed to beat the cancer together just days before her first surgery.
	Kyle took his sister, Noelle, and his mother, Barbara, for a special treat to a Dane Cook comedy concert to lift her spirits.
	He was in a great mood.
	After the show, Kyle tells his mom that he and some friends are heading to a popular bar in uptown Charlotte.
	Anything else?
	Keep looking on that, Nick, though, or see if Zach can.
	Because something happened.
	It's on an episode of Disappeared, a girl left a Dane Cook show.
	Any type of Disappeared episode, Dane Cook?
	Yeah.
	There you go.
	That's why you're a producer, man.
	Yeah, what else, dude?
	What else have been going on, man?
	How are you?
	I know your special came out, bro.
	It was so good.
	Really?
	Bro, man.
	I was really happy with it.
	Yours, Stavros's are ones that I really liked.
	But yeah, yours was just, it keeps going.
	Like, the material keeps going.
	It's fast.
	It's punchy.
	I think you have to do that on the TV ones.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I wanted it to look really good.
	And I had a lot of my sketches have like a camera that zooms in a bunch, like on the lens.
	So I had somebody at the special just slowly zooming in a bunch.
	And there's three shows.
	So I was like, here's the beast on the jokes.
	For these jokes, I'm going to look at that camera.
	And when I look, we should meet the zoom in the middle.
	So there was just somebody just the whole time just fucking giving arthritis to the goddamn self, just cranking away on that, on that Sony.
	But yeah, I wanted it to have like good retention and just like look good.
	I think it was great for a special.
	I think it's so it's not like the most fucking goaded special in the world, but like I was really happy with it.
	And I think a lot of people liked it.
	Oh, dude, 100%, man.
	But are any of them good?
	I mean, some of them are good.
	It's hard to make one perfect.
	It's so hard to make comedy onto a special, like as opposed to seeing it in person.
	It's not even the same thing.
	It's not even close.
	It's not even the same thing at all.
	It's almost a travesty to do it, really, in a way.
	Yeah, it doesn't even compare to be close.
	It's like when you're watching a stand-up show, you're watching anybody in the back of your room, you're always like permanently smiling.
	Like you're just static holding a smile.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	So you're like constantly just like laughing and smiling.
	You're watching at home.
	You're just in like this, you're like, you start with a frown.
	Yeah.
	So you have to work out of a like ditch.
	Yeah, there's just, yeah, you're at home, you fucking, you're hiding from your wife in the garage or whatever.
	Or one of your kids wants to love you or whatever, and you can't handle it or something.
	But yeah, you're just frowning.
	You're just supposed to like.
	Yeah, I think somebody put it the best way to me is a special, all it is, is just a giant commercial for your touring where you're like, hey, this is a glimpse of what a show looks like.
	Here's what I do for people live last year.
	So this is like what a Trevor Wallace or a Theo Von show would look like.
	Got it.
	And I mean, you're doing arenas, dude.
	So like everything is helping.
	I mean, you're fucking, you're crushing right now.
	Yeah, we've been, we've definitely been having fun, man.
	Thanks.
	You're in Australia.
	I was out there in November.
	You've been, yeah?
	Or no?
	Yeah, I've been.
	It's just been about four years, though.
	Okay.
	Because of COVID, but I'm stoked, bro.
	I'm going to go back again, even like, I think maybe later this year.
	Really?
	And do like Perth and some other shows.
	Oh, yeah.
	Perth is, you've been to Perth, right?
	Yeah, we just didn't put it on there.
	it just, the way it put together is just like Perth is also like five hours from everywhere else.
	Yeah, people don't realize, and me, when I say people, I mean myself, I didn't realize it's the same size as the U.S. essentially.
	When they're like, oh, our flight from Sydney to Perth is like five hours.
	I was like, how?
	Are we fucking driving?
	What's happening?
	What bus is this?
	It's a massive area.
	And, bro, they got some fucking trans animals over there, dog.
	Have you seen that quokka?
	Oh, yeah.
	Bring that thing up, dude.
	Yeah, those are, those are.
	That thing will slurp a tit right off.
	He's fresh off some poppers.
	The quokas off the poppers right there.
	Bro, you telling me this animal.
	That's a Pixar animal in real life.
	Ain't off of perk 30, right?
	You telling me on God's earth.
	They say they have like the best cocaine out there, and like that's proof of it, bro.
	Look at quacain, homie.
	Quacaine, bitches on cockaine.
	There ain't not a chance he's eating that fucking yoko leaf right there.
	Look at that, dude.
	And they're all in good shape.
	They got good bodies.
	Yeah, they're doing drugs.
	They're jacked, dude.
	He's eating a leaf, bro.
	He thinks it's a fucking shaking shack burger.
	Oh, man.
	Dude, what's a wiener look like on one of those things, buddy?
	I was probably padding.
	Pull that up, Nikki.
	What's penis?
	There you go.
	Let's see that.
	Oh, damn.
	Should have got that little bird house he's running on.
	Damn, bro.
	Is that a baby one?
	Oh, they have pouches too?
	God, that's so cool.
	Maybe look for a drawing of it, Nick.
	Oh.
	Yeah, the kangaroos have weird dongs.
	You got that cruella.
	They look like, you know, like Harry Potter sticks.
	Yeah, and that's so cool.
	Wands.
	Yeah, they're weird.
	I was at the, have you been in the kangaroo park in, I think, Brisbane?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I went there and they're weird.
	They're just hopping around all fucking jacked up.
	And you can't tell if they're going to beat the fuck out of you or be cool with you.
	It's almost like being around like a UFC fighter.
	Yeah.
	Dude, that's so true.
	I was at this thing with Burton Tom recently and Nate Diaz was there.
	No, really?
	It's like, he's one of those guys, if you look eyes for too long, you're like, we're either about to kiss or he's about to kill me.
	Yeah, he is really.
	It's super cool.
	It's super intimidating.
	Yeah, well, a lot of great marriages have started with even as a beating.
	The Stockton kangaroo right there.
	This is crazy, though.
	Oh, is he from Stockton?
	Yeah, dude.
	A lot of missing people in Stockton, dude.
	Stockton is an interesting place.
	Oh, there's some people that just, you're like, you can even go to people like, hey, are you missing?
	And you're like, yeah.
	How did you know?
	Yeah, it's so weird that Stockton's in California.
	There's a lot of people in Stockton that are using like calling cards still.
	You're like, what's going on?
	It's like a piece in New Jersey in California.
	People are like, hey, can you help me get it to a payphone?
	And you're like, everybody's got carburetors on them.
	Yeah, just like, you're just shocked at like some of the like people have been crossing time zones and stuff, you know?
	Yeah.
	Great place.
	Great place.
	Oh, no, no.
	It's fun, dude.
	It's a fun place and people love it.
	And yeah, I think Disney's going to be doing a thing up there, too.
	I can't even imagine that.
	Hey, goofy.
	Hey, Feldroar, like, hey, goofy, dog.
	You trying to fucking box or what?
	Dude, I would watch it.
	Dude, for sure, watch it.
	When I went to school in Tucson, Arizona, they had in the car washes all the like, first of all, I went there and I had to take Spanish, right?
	And all the kids in there.
	This is in high school.
	All the kids in there were Mexicans.
	So they would all just like calling me like Fegoto or whatever, you know, in Spanish or just different things, you know?
	And I was the only one paying attention.
	It was just like me and the teacher just having a one-on-one.
	I was the only white dude.
	They would have like gang things would happen at lunch.
	They have to have the alarm go off.
	You have to lay down and like just eat your sandwich later.
	An earthquake drill?
	Yeah, just like that.
	Was it an earthquake drill or gang shit?
	Gang shit.
	Gang shit does pop off.
	Oh, dude, it would happen.
	Yeah, it would happen a lot.
	And you'd have to lay down and just eat your burger.
	And then the for real fucking vatos las violencias, they would have fights in the car wash after school.
	And after like oh, after a certain amount they got, somebody would break them out the thing and just spray it down.
	And that would be the end of the fight.
	It's pretty cool, dude.
	It's kind of a, you know, a bit of tradition.
	It was almost like being at the rodeo, kind of, you know.
	It's fun.
	You get to like leave there with a shower.
	So you hear Ash being kind of like ready to party.
	And sometimes you see the rainbow in the mist, you know?
	And then you're like your hair blow dry at the end.
	Dude, my Spanish teacher, she had a really soft voice.
	So she would talk with a speaker box attached to her hip.
	And she had like a microphone, like plug talk.
	She had a microphone and it would project her voice.
	And I used to take my dad's, my dad had a hip surgery and he got prescribed Vicodin and he was allergic to him.
	So he didn't take him.
	So I would just sneak a Vicodin every once in a while before Spanish class.
	So I would just be fucking biked out listening to Ricky Martin 2.0, just blasting away, dude.
	And she would just be deep.
	Upside is living the vida.
	I have like vivid memories of her class 9 a.m.
	And I would smoke before class sometimes.
	And I didn't know Spanish at all.
	So just being high off the perkset hearing Spanish, I was like, I think this is like how Duolingo was invented.
	Like, I just remember sitting there just nodding my head like there was music on, just being like, this is good.
	Yeah.
	She's not as silent.
	Yeah, dude, she's great.
	Dude, yeah.
	Our Spanish teacher, one of them was like a reform gangster.
	So all the Spanish they taught us was like about fucking funeralis and like fucking coyotes and all kind of bloody knuckles and shit.
	Oh yeah, a lot of this shit was very violent.
	And then we had this other guy, Senor Vliet was his name, in Mandeville.
	And if you made a casserola, right?
	Casserole, as a gift, if you brought it to school, you got, I'm not even joking, that's the craziest thing, 50,000 bonus points.
	Fucking whose line is it anyways?
	Just giving out insane points for nobody?
	It was crazy, dude.
	You could be a complete failure in the class.
	You could be pregnant.
	You could not have a head or hands.
	You could be in the class and have like a five, your grade could be 11 points.
	You might graduate early because of a casserole.
	And you show up on casserole day, bro.
	How was it day?
	75,000 bonus points.
	They did the most random shit for extra credit.
	Sometimes they get like a little sexual.
	They're Like, oh, bring him his favorite hostess cookie and we'll give you some points.
	Go get it, dude.
	Yeah, they just had a teacher I was looking at.
	What was that thing that we saw?
	There was also always a pregnant girl in PE.
	Oh, dude.
	Be 16. She's like, oh, I can't run the mile.
	I'm pregnant.
	I was like, fucking jealous.
	Oh, I lost a spelling b to a pregnant girl.
	Do you remember the word?
	Yep, inconvenience.
	Which was, yeah, dude.
	Fucking inconvenience of a child.
	Look, yeah.
	How many letters in?
	I didn't realize that.
	She probably had to spell that word because she fucking says it so goddamn much.
	She's like, fuck, I can't drink Sailor Jerry's because I got this inconvenience.
	Do you remember that?
	Like, now use it in a sense.
	She's like, Jeremy left me with an inconvenience.
	Do you remember what letter you made it to?
	Yeah, I messed up the E and the I or the I and the E. That's a tricky one.
	And I was so happy she did.
	Helena was her name.
	And she was, she was pregnant.
	And she kind of looked pregnant even if she wasn't pregnant.
	She was just like...
	She just, yeah, she was ready to just hatch something.
	It's kind of nice if you're pregnant.
	You get like nine months of like, the world is your bitch.
	Like you could just, you go to the parking guy and be like, no, pregnant.
	You could probably get into the White House, honestly.
	I'm pregnant.
	Oh, okay.
	Yeah, they're like, oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	Let her through, they start saying.
	Yeah.
	Does TSA see the baby anyway when they do the scanner?
	Yeah, and the baby's in there like this.
	I fucking love you, Deal.
	The wheel turned.
	What did we have?
	What was that?
	Didn't they have a thing about a teacher?
	Oh, bring it back up.
	Yeah, an Arizona teacher was fired for her OnlyFans account.
	And you might recognize Rachel Dozo.
	That's Rachel Dolazal, dude.
	They say once you go black, you never come back.
	Not the case with her.
	She's teaching right now?
	In Tucson.
	Do you see this?
	Oh, no way.
	Dude, those are your people.
	Rachel Dolazal, who goes by Nkechi Diallo, which I'm going to say, I'm going to limb.
	Nkechi Diallo sounds back and way black.
	Like, not even American black.
	Diallo?
	Nkechi Diallo?
	That sounds like Kenyon.
	Lost her job with the Catalina Foothills School District.
	Wow.
	Was teaching kids as an after-school instructor.
	She was under fire in 2014, accused of misidentifying herself as black while serving as the head of the NAACP.
	Look, first of all, if someone wants to do a job and do it well, I don't think you should not let them do it because of their ethnicity.
	That goes against what the whole program is even trying to say, it feels like.
	But what else happened to her?
	Is she twerking in that video?
	Nuh.
	Is that the video that got her fired?
	Oh.
	Yeah, someone screen grabbed a video.
	Nuh-uh.
	Somebody, all the kids did.
	Ooh.
	Dude, I swear I thought I saw her at the gym this morning.
	Oh, wow.
	Yeah.
	She's showing that oyster dressing right there, bro.
	She's looking for that extra credit right there.
	There's her casserole.
	Yeah, we only learned of Miss Nkiki Diallo.
	Everybody knows who that is, though.
	Like, she'd walk in class and be like, oh, Miss Diallo.
	That's Rachel Dolez.
	Also, like, just do OnlyFans.
	You don't need to be a teacher.
	Yeah, it's a good point.
	But I think you have to get this messed up, but where are you going to get your clientele?
	If you don't go to school looking hot, bro, no way you don't go to.
	Dude, if you had your hot teacher, you telling me if she had an OnlyFans.
	Ms. Saffron.
	Yeah, Ms. Saffron.
	And you could go home after school or even be sitting in class looking at her teaching.
	And then you look on your phone.
	She has like a QR code on like her shirt or something.
	I think if I was a substitute teacher, that's how I'd recruit.
	Yeah.
	You know, just be like, oh, here's what you do.
	You go to pull up a presentation and then it's accidentally your OnlyFans page.
	And you're like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.
	And then you see all the kids snap it.
	I mean, maybe that is a better way because now that this story is out, her OnlyFans is only going to get higher.
	So maybe you get fired as this is all PR.
	I support her, man.
	I wonder if she'd be interesting to talk to because Diallo has a public social media page where she has LinkedIn OnlyFans page.
	It doesn't say what school she was at.
	Catalina Footnote.
	Catalina Foothills.
	That is a school, actually, Catalina Foothills.
	In Tucson?
	Yeah.
	It was fancy, too.
	I think it's messed up.
	Well, here's part of the problem is we're not paying the teachers.
	No.
	So what do you expect them to do?
	I don't think like it's crazy that your teacher, right, the person who's helping guide your child has to show their labia to get their bills paid.
	Yeah, they want to get the scented Crayola markers.
	They got to show a little hook.
	That's crazy.
	It's crazy, though.
	And then it's crazy.
	The parents are then like, no, fuck that.
	You know, like, at least that teacher I think is entrepreneurial.
	Yeah.
	She should be teaching a business class.
	Yeah.
	They should be firing the, whatever they're, and whoever chooses the salaries for the school people.
	I did always like when the teachers like would spend their own money and like let the class know, they would always let the kids know and be like, this was out of Miss Eckertson's budget.
	I went to Target myself on Sunday and bought these markers.
	Oh shit.
	Hell yeah.
	So if Miss Dolezell, sorry to say government name, Miss Diallo is popping some puss, but getting some, you know, scented markers?
	Yeah.
	I don't see a problem here.
	Look, now if she merges the two and sells some scented markers at school that are scented like her, that's big money.
	Gwyneth Poucher had a vagina candle.
	Did you ever see that?
	Yeah, the vagandals or whatever?
	Vagandals.
	But it is crazy how people are having to do like everybody's having to do OnlyFans.
	You know, you'll see like the DoorDash guy, his girlfriend's sitting there in the passenger seat and she's filming her like on a stream cam so they can make money to go home and take care of their family to buy their family a fucking sack of warm jack in the box.
	They have to drive for 12 hours a day and she's up there live streaming.
	Two coot shots that just pays for like 47 dashes.
	It's just crazy that it's all happening.
	It's kind of exciting, though.
	University of Wisconsin La Crosse Chancellor says he was fired over pornographic videos made with his wife.
	This happened in my hometown over Christmas, and they had a cooking channel, and they would make a dish.
	They were cooking something else.
	They would make a dish.
	Wait, really?
	Can we see like what?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, one sec.
	That's awesome.
	That's fucking right a two wee talk right there.
	Yeah, I think I mean every teacher is no different than anyone else like they're all pieces of shit not pieces of shit, but they're all like they're all adults.
	I remember in seventh grade I saw my teacher That's a crazy correlation So every yeah every teacher is a regular just a fucking person right I saw my seventh grade English teacher after school one day buying a handle of pop-off vodka me and my friend Matt saw her and she looked over and saw us and immediately like turned she's just buying pop-off vodka at a CVS dude I remember we had a teacher who like her shirt I swear they like put it on like with like the way it would like just hold her chest and
	everything it was just if she'd had an OnlyFans we would have spent I would have raked every yard in my neighborhood you know how high my grades probably would have been oh yeah or best you got to stay after class get the attention I mean it's great PR honestly it's not a great society to live in but it's great if you teach at a local school for like three years now all of a sudden miss Robertson is like oh jobs and only fancy those three years were just promo yeah smart move dole zao i like it man um dude
	did you know uh down centering people can't walk backwards can you look that up uh yeah and then i want to see that video that's crazy they can't walk backwards uh-uh wait isn't there wait horses can't do that either is that yeah down centering people can't walk backwards yeah so you have to do kind of like a 360 like how many moonwalking ds
	people have you seen to be honest you know you know dude you might be honest with that if we find out if we could train and it's impossible but they have the heart to do it oh if anybody's got the heart to moonwalk in 2024 it's gonna be uh one of our ds brethrens oh if we don't have a down center president by 2034 then i think we have we're
	not doing it right i think there should be a gang like ds 13 that's hard crazy dog i'm gonna hug you to death so nice man oh the best well they have a great coffee shop too in dc now that's all um down syndrome people working there there's a down syndrome guy i think it's just yeah that down syndrome people can't walk backwards but we have a guy uh who came on here chris nickichin we talked about him a lot but he won uh or he completed the iron man really and he's down syndrome he can do more i mean he's
	more physically gifted than you and i will ever be yeah so i mean he ran like 400 miles or something wow and they are stronger no is that i'd love to check back in with him that'd be cool huh nick yeah on a solo episode yeah just to see how he's doing if he's still competing he's doing only fans too oh no yeah but that's where it's at now it's sad you know but then i guess it's like you're in control of it so
	maybe it's not sad maybe my view of it is sad do you think it's sad or do you think it's okay like maybe you're right maybe we put this negative connotation on it like if my teacher has an awesome body or a body that i want to see or she likes showing it off and just working or whatever no i don't think i think we've passed the point like maybe in the beginning it might have been a little sad but i think everybody has even growing up one of my friends this kid peter had a photo of his mom naked in the house oh yeah and that was like you know that was free only fans back then because we would see
	that and i still can remember that like visual but she was doing that for free just show like imagine one day we all go to his house for sleepover and she accidentally is like oops i left this website open yeah what's your email and credit card and cvv and now we're signing up for it i think everybody's mom has been naked in a photo somewhere so you might as well monetize it yeah i think as long as it doesn't interrupt with like what you're i don't know i don't see a problem with it there's this cooking couple and they cook and then oh this is on pornhub this
	is legitimate so wait this these people were from your hometown yeah he was the chancellor at uwl and they found out and he got fired and now he's probably gonna sue because he says they like it was his first amendment rights yeah you know i kind of i i don't think that it's wrong you know if people were gonna do what they want to do i think it might be a little strange here's the strange part is if kids can go and see you doing something that's pretty pretty
	graphic that ain't good for kids no no yeah i mean doing this with 20 000 views definitely fire him for sure i mean if it was like 10 million dude fuck yeah now he's got a career i think he's trying to sue to make headlines dude high school was freaking nuts bro yeah dude there was two teachers that started dating they both got divorced and started dating in my uh in my middle school and like it was like remember when viral was just like word of mouth like that's what it was everybody was like dude one was a homec one was a history teacher yeah
	so they were getting historical in that place dude remember when viral was just some dude yelling sitting in the hallway yeah or like one guy did something in like math class he like threw a wad of soap and toilet paper to the ceiling and then everybody heard about at lunch that was viral they're like damn ricky wadded up the science bro yeah dude what a legend dude it was easy to be a legend back then oh it's so easy to be a legend you could do anything these dumb high school pranks we'd take ketchup packets and we put them under the toilet seat so
	when somebody would go to sit down and shoot at the back of their legs dude now that i think about it i would kill myself if i was at lunch or if i was trying to pee in between spanish class i'm off a bike it didn't i get shot by heinz 57 in the kneecaps i'm taking my own life bro there's nothing gayer for some reason than the back of your leg dude when you walk into classrooms like do you something like ketchup i'm like i need but
	really even when you just touch the back of your leg it feels like it just feels like you could it feels like it's been meeting God somewhere.
	It's been waiting for it.
	But like, imagine like trying to wipe that off.
	Oh, it feels like feel kind of, doesn't it?
	It does.
	It feels more expensive.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	A little tender.
	Yeah, dude, if you touch the back of your legs, man, it just feels more expensive.
	Yeah, that's maybe what, that's the part that I think if I had a casket, the open casket that had cremation, I'd have that down there.
	Like bone marrow type thing.
	Oh, yeah, I like that.
	Like a dip.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, I love that.
	If you're open casket, definitely chips and everything around you.
	Yeah.
	Because you don't want people to have to come up and feel like they can't stay and look at you.
	That's the thing that I did hate sometimes.
	Like it was horrible to see somebody sometimes open casket, but you felt like you only got like two seconds and then it wasn't cool of you.
	And you had to go back and cry like by those chairs and stuff.
	Yeah.
	Because yeah, some people you want to get back in line, you know?
	Oh, that's true.
	That's true.
	I would maybe do like sunglasses or you'd be like, I don't know.
	Yeah.
	But death, put a perk 30 on somebody if you go to their open casket.
	Yeah.
	I'll do something.
	Put it right on their lapel or something.
	Put it in dad's hand.
	Do something.
	Nobody knows when you tuck it back in.
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	Bro, you know what was the craziest in high school were those people that came and did like the anti-drug performances, bro.
	That or the DUI guy.
	Did you have like a DUI guy?
	Yeah, we had this dude, Maestro Mack was his name, right?
	He taught something.
	He taught something at our school, right?
	And suddenly he showed up one day and he was just in like wrestling like shorts or a unitard or something.
	And he would, he would say like, karate, my body.
	And then he would just break a fucking brick or something with his hand, right?
	And everybody's like, what?
	Like, is this anti-drug?
	Because this makes me want to do Coke.
	This makes me want to do drugs.
	Dude, the craziest part was too, like, one time he had like a bunch of wood or whatever, right?
	That he was going to break, you know?
	And the shop teacher would always get pissed because he'd be like, he'd be jealous that he had all this spare wood.
	He'd be like, we're fucking, we have nothing.
	We're building out of mechanical pencils over here.
	It's crazy.
	It was crazy, bro, because the shop teacher, they would always steal like these wooden like parts by the baseball field that had advertisements on them.
	And then you'd see like birdhouses like a month later and they would, they'd all have like auto glass or something on the side of it.
	You're like, what the fuck?
	Yeah, dude.
	Made in Stockton.
	But that dude, one time, Maestro Mac, yeah, we were like, like 9 a.m.
	too.
	It was like you'd get to class and they'd be like, oh, we're not doing class today.
	We're just learning about an assembly.
	Yeah.
	We're doing an assembly and it's about no drugs.
	And this guy, his wife would go out and light like two smoke bombs or whatever in the gym.
	That's good.
	And then he would like come running out in between them.
	It was so bizarre.
	And then like the finale one time, he was hitting him in the head with a broomstick, right?
	Right.
	Like right to break it across his head.
	And she hit him like three times, right?
	And it didn't break.
	And everybody, you could see the cops start to kind of walk over a little bit, like the security guards and shit.
	And people started yelling one more time.
	This turns into WWE.
	Dana White's in there.
	Like, one more.
	You better fuck him up, man.
	So this is to prevent drugs?
	Yeah, I guess, bro.
	It's like, and then she hit him three more times.
	He just bleeded everywhere.
	And they, and then they shut it down.
	Dude, the best drug prevention should just be a guy who's really coked out trying to pitch on starting a podcast for like an hour.
	And he just doesn't stop talking to the whole auditorium.
	It's like, you don't get a man, Bluetooth, VPN, plug talk.
	And he just keeps going about it.
	I would never do it.
	Yeah.
	We had a DUI one, and they would make us put on these like goggles that made it feel like you were drunk.
	And then we get in a drive simulator.
	I got Pretty good at it.
	Yeah, dude.
	Because it just made me want to be like, how good is this?
	Because they had to test it somewhere.
	I'm like, are they just riffing this in a laboratory somewhere?
	Or they're sending out Thomas who's hammered off a couple of steel reserves.
	Go drive the Bronco around the block and see what you get into.
	And so, wait, it was like an Oculus type of thing?
	So it was, yeah, it looked like an Oculus, but it was like, look it up, Nick.
	Like lab coat, like plastic glasses, but the vision, it just looked like maybe glasses that your dad would wear.
	They're really thick, like, but they were just really bad eyesight that just blurred everything.
	So are typing like drunk driver simulator like goggles?
	Yeah, they just look like that, but they like, yeah, they just made you see really blurry.
	But it was like kind of fun to do it like 9 a.m.
	All the football players were like, this is how I drive to practice.
	Fatal vision impairment goggles.
	Jesus.
	The fatal vision alcohol goggles deliver memorable lessons on topics like impaired driving, underage drinking, and other substance abuse issues.
	Participants perform simple activities or sobriety tests without and then with the goggles.
	Performing the activities takes twice.
	Performing the activities twice lets participants experience their performance while unimpaired and then impaired.
	Is this what you're talking about?
	Yeah, it was like these.
	Wow.
	So yeah, it would show like how drunk you were.
	So you would feel drunker the second time because the goggles just alter your kind of perception.
	Yeah.
	So it kind of just looks like if you were, I'm trying to think, like it just looked like you were looking out of like really foggy glass almost.
	Yeah.
	Like a fun mirror type thing.
	Yeah.
	But yeah, we would do this for like 9 a.m.
	And a lot of times they would bring like a mangled up car that was involved in an accident.
	And they'd be like, this was the car so-and-so was in.
	And then the guy's there to talk about it.
	I'm like, dude, so you get a DUI and now you get to tour the U.S. Yeah.
	Doing like door deals with the high school.
	And they would always like have like somebody has spray painted like trank, like trank lord or something on the car.
	And there would be like a like a bloody cheerleader like hanging out of it.
	Like they always had that shit.
	Yeah, they'd paint the story.
	And then you just go back to class after that.
	It'd be like, time to learn about meiosis when we just learned about a guy who mangled a car with his best friend in it.
	Now he took, it's a really weird thing to give high schoolers at literally 9 a.m.
	Bro, that was an unbelievable time for high schoolers because it was really the time of day you had just woken up.
	You hadn't been awake the first hour and a half.
	You don't know what the fuck you were doing.
	You were happy.
	You were just making sure you were alive.
	9 a.m.
	You kind of pipe up a little bit and they take you there.
	And then the guy showing you like, yeah, his handle is like trank Lord 5,000.
	You're like, we're supposed to follow this game.
	Yeah, I never really got the, I don't know, like it would make me just feel really sad for the person that lost their life, but I don't know if it deterred me from drinking and driving.
	Yeah, like the mom would be there and they'd be like, Alejandro could have lived to be 20. And you're like, only 20. That doesn't even make any sense.
	Like they would have like.
	He's still not even old enough to drink, dude.
	He's getting plastered off wine coolers.
	Sometimes the exchange like rate, like the verbal exchange rate, like with the person who would come in was so off.
	It's so weird.
	We had a guy, Officer Bob, and he was like the biggest cop they ever made, right?
	Like they, oh, they put him in the car.
	And then I swear, I don't think he could get out of the car for like years.
	Like he was literally had to live in the cop car.
	He's like that famous?
	He was that big.
	He was very big.
	Oh, that big.
	Okay.
	And his weight had shut down.
	Look up Covington, Louisiana Dayer officer, Bob, B-O-B.
	And his weight had shut down even his windpipe.
	It'd like push.
	Yeah, and he would be like, I don't need drugs.
	I love you guys.
	And if he pulled you over for a ticket, you had to walk back.
	He just says license registration to the intercom.
	It was known through town.
	You had to walk back and get the ticket from him.
	Yeah.
	He just was too big.
	He couldn't handle it.
	This might have been before they had photography.
	The internet.
	Yeah.
	Maybe just go to images of that.
	It's so funny.
	I like seeing a fat cop.
	You know, they're just going against society norms.
	Yeah, like I'll still catch them.
	You ever see a cop just being a cop, like living up to stereotype, like at a donut shop?
	And you're like, fuck yeah.
	Yeah, dude.
	Live it up, dude.
	Yeah, it is pretty respectable, man.
	Yeah, why not?
	There's something nice about it.
	Yeah, we've seen so many great, like, that's one cool thing you see at the shows now, just with, like, watching the shows, making sure everything, after the show, you get to talk to the cops and like, who threw out this guy?
	We threw out.
	Like, some dude urinated in a woman's hair, like, thought it was a bathroom, dude.
	It was wasted.
	What city?
	I think it was Pueblo, Colorado.
	Yeah.
	That high altimation altitude.
	I don't can't even say it.
	Yeah.
	That's crazy.
	Some, you know, a child of a couple of, you know, a couple of gold miners or whatever.
	And this dude is just splash scalping some bird.
	And she said she sat there.
	She didn't know what was going on.
	And then after a little while, she's like, what's happening?
	Do you know people at Tato Swift concerts?
	There's some girls that wear a diaper because they don't want to miss any of the concerts.
	So they'll just pee themselves.
	Yeah, they're doing it.
	Because, I mean, tickets are so expensive.
	Like a pee probably costs them like $648 or something.
	Yeah, it's 20 minutes of your time.
	Yeah.
	So you might as well just pee your pants on it, honestly.
	Some Toto Swift fans say they're wearing adult diapers to her shows so they don't miss any songs.
	It totally makes sense, especially these days.
	I think if anybody wears a diaper to my show, it's because they're going to shit themselves from packing too many Zen's.
	The amount of times I see vape smoke in my crowds, I fucking love it.
	Anybody that comes out to see me, I'm like, I love you guys.
	It's just so like true to the Native American.
	They're heckling with fucking smoke signals.
	Pussy.
	They just write F-A-G in the air with smoke.
	Heckling you by blowing O's.
	This is so funny.
	That's hilarious, bro.
	Yeah, I like getting recognized by cops.
	It happens more like a lot of cops watch my stuff, which is weird.
	I'm like, when do you guys have time to do this?
	But like, it makes me feel good when they're like, dude, I love your stuff.
	Like, I've had a cop be like shy.
	Like, what's it called?
	Not Starstruck because I don't think it's like that, but I think they're just like, oh, shit, like, like, like nervous around me.
	Yeah.
	I'm like, you have a gun.
	You should be nervous around you.
	Don't study your words around me.
	Hey, you have a gun.
	I have a for loco advertisement.
	Okay.
	Hey, you made the Kyle videos, right?
	But you are in control of the bad people.
	Use your gun.
	Put me in handcuffs.
	When was the last time you were in the back of a cop car?
	Oh, my friend Billy and I, my buddy Billy Conforto, R.I.P.
	man, he was famous, one of the most famous gay prize fighters.
	Prize?
	He just fought.
	He was like one of the first gays that could really fight.
	They didn't have it.
	People would like call him a name and then beat their ass and get the shit beat out of him.
	So it was amazing, dude.
	It was like, oh, this is different.
	That'd be such a good dare.
	Like, if somebody didn't know, but go call him that.
	Oh, it was great.
	One thing I remember when I was young, I always wanted friends that had like something different about them, you know?
	One of my first friends was this guy Douglas, and he had a stutter, and I'd never heard it.
	And then Billy, you know, the gay fighter.
	And Douglas was like, don't call him a f-f-f-f-f-f-f.
	Dude, I wanted to be different so bad growing up.
	I told people I was colorblind.
	Yeah.
	So back to the point where my doctor, my mom took me to the doctor, and he's like pointing at something that's yellow.
	And he's like, what color is that?
	I was like, blue.
	Just riffing.
	I just wanted to be different so bad.
	Oh, I just yelled the N-word at a couple Mormons, dude.
	I'd be like, you don't believe I'm colorblind?
	And I would just drop it right on.
	A Mormon?
	Yeah, I wanted to be called.
	Hit him with that Nazareth.
	Oh, that word.
	Yeah.
	Okay, okay.
	That's what I'm talking about.
	Bro, shout out to black Mormons.
	Are there any black Mormons?
	I think so.
	We need more.
	We need more, man.
	We had a lot of blonkies in our area growing up.
	What's that?
	Like black dudes that want to be white, you know?
	Like the opposite of Wiggas, you know?
	Oh.
	We had hella blonkies, bro.
	Okay.
	What were we talking about?
	Oh, yeah.
	Big bot, our cop, he just like, yeah, he'd get on that loudspeaker.
	Like, he just couldn't get, he was so big.
	Do people have to handcuff themselves to get in the car?
	How do I do this?
	He's like, I go here, I'm going to go there, look like Job of the Hut.
	Dude, my, but me and Billy, so we got pulled over.
	Billy had like a pound of weed on him, so he, or in the car, so he picks it up, he puts it in his shirt, right?
	They take us out of my car, put us in the cop car to search my car.
	Oh, but he had the weed on him.
	Yeah, the weed on him.
	So now we're sitting in the cop car with the pound of weed on him.
	And then they're like, all clear.
	They put us back in the car and we fucking drove off.
	Holy shit.
	That was awesome.
	I wonder if anybody's ever got like pulled over for like a parking ticket and put like a pound of weed in their ass.
	Just scared.
	Or like got pulled over.
	Or like, you know how sometimes cops will clear the highway, just like stop traffic?
	I wonder if anybody's seen that and they freaked out and put an eight ball in their ass.
	Just start fucking slowly knuckling nugs up their hole.
	They're putting just like the OG4 loco in there.
	They're like, it's illegal now.
	Moonshot.
	There has to be a tragic story out there of somebody who a cop they thought a cop was stopping him.
	Maybe they weren't.
	It could have been something else.
	It was like apartment security.
	And he's like, oh, fuck.
	The guy's just jamming up there.
	A 12 sack of dirt weed up his ass.
	See, small security.
	He's like, oh, fuck.
	It's just so crazy to put something in your ass.
	Yeah.
	That fast, too.
	And it's hard.
	It's hard to do.
	I love how people are like, yeah, just, you know, just tossed it in my ass.
	I don't think I'd be able to talk okay to the cop.
	No.
	If I had fucking eight ball my ass.
	Oh, because you're just hoping that that plastic holds out or you're dead.
	I mean, you're living life on Levita loca mode for about 10 seconds.
	You're crushing it the second it breaks through, but it is sensitive down there.
	I mean, it goes straight in the bloodstream.
	Did you?
	Yeah, they used to have like that thing vajipin or whatever when people put LSD in their vagina.
	I remember.
	I think I've heard of that.
	Vajip?
	Vajipin.
	A lot of chicks would do that.
	You can imagine eating a chick out while she does that.
	She just turns into like a custard pie.
	But like imagine what?
	One time my friend said this girl's like, yeah, she just turns into a fucking table or something.
	Yeah, the affection of the LSD goes to you and you just forget what you're doing down there and you're just floating.
	You just think you're kissing an oyster at a beach or whatever.
	Kiss romantic.
	Yeah, you're at a fucking red lobster just slurping face with some oyster.
	Am I talk to ramen right now?
	Have you ever done salvia?
	Wasn't that like gas station dope kind of?
	Yeah, you could just be 18 and up, but like you would trip really hard.
	Yeah, they sold it like it was cigarettes.
	Like you could smoke it and you're like life is different for about 15 minutes.
	Like the entire world, you can literally just smoke this and go out into the real world.
	It's crazy.
	Salvia is the largest genus of plants in the sage family with nearly a thousand species of shrubs and annuals within the salvia is part of the tribe Menthia.
	There's a really funny video.
	I mean, this guy does salvia and then he goes gardening.
	It's like OG YouTube.
	It's fucking hilarious.
	Yeah, that guy, that guy.
	Five centimeters on each side, and that plant's going to...
	This kid smokes salvia in the dressing garden.
	We're going to fill it in with some miracle grow, some soil from the garden that's...
	It's kind of a long video, but.
	And we're going to make sure that it's doing okay with a little bit of a pH test.
	And I'm going to show you how to do it in a little bit.
	Let me speed it up a little bit.
	He just falls over.
	Maybe I was from Salvia watching this, but.
	Hold on.
	The guy's now laying on the ground, right?
	Kind of quivering.
	The Texas goes want to see more salvia challenges.
	What?
	This is cardiac arrest.
	That's not a salvia challenge.
	Yeah, no, you like full-blown fruitballs for 15 minutes and they just sell it out of gas stations.
	We can just buy it.
	Bro, it's crazy how the Food and Drug Administration, can we just say that they don't care about us?
	They don't care.
	They do not care.
	they don't care about us?
	You could buy this and go to jury duty and just sit there.
	Jury duty is fucking hilarious.
	It's like a flight that never takes off.
	You're just sitting there.
	Man, I wish you could pick your cases.
	Like, I wish they had like a menu like, oh, here's the cases they're doing today.
	Because then I could see if I want to pretend like I'm racist or not to try and get out of it.
	Oh, yeah.
	You got to drive.
	Yeah.
	I roll right in there and tell them I'm racist.
	What t-shirt are you wearing?
	And last time they're like, we have so many races here today.
	We still have to ask you guys a couple questions.
	We got to filter through that, see how racist you are.
	Damn, man.
	Dude, I got called into a jury and then there was a bunch of people trying to give excuses.
	You ever try to give an excuse?
	Dude, people bomb.
	People, because I was like third up and this girl's like, oh, I have a child.
	And he's like, well, have you ever heard of a babysitter?
	And then the girl's like, ah, well, I next.
	Then it gets to me.
	This is when I first started touring.
	I was like, I'm a touring comedian.
	He believed it, but like, I'm surprised he wasn't like, do a tight five right now.
	Yeah.
	Just terrifying.
	It's intense, man.
	I can't believe Jerry Duty is a real thing.
	Like, we just go and grab a random group of 100 of America's dumbest people and be like, hey, sit in this room.
	We're going to use 10 of you to solve this murder.
	It blows my mind.
	Well, it's the craziest part about it is.
	This bitch works at a Leslie's pool supply and now they're fucking in charge of a murder.
	Now they're trying to figure out who killed Kennedy right here.
	Like, are you fucking?
	They're trying to find the guy after the Dane Cook concert.
	And some guy's like, I don't know the difference between a cucumber and a pickle.
	And you want me to decide on this jury?
	This is a Fudd Ruckers manager.
	This is a Fudd Ruckers manager.
	Yeah.
	They shouldn't be putting somebody in jail.
	It blows my mind.
	Also, it seems lazy.
	Well, it's like these days, I think people can be so divided too politically that if you see somebody and they're not like your type or whatever, then immediately.
	There should be a better pool to draw from.
	Like every kid who's on the debate team in high school, like pull from those fuckers.
	Yeah.
	Like we shouldn't have to get the guy who drives the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile around town to be like, I think he stabbed that bitch.
	You did it, sir.
	You did it in behind the hot dog truck.
	Yeah.
	And now they even have, the other day they caught an illegal alien on a fucking, the guy didn't even speak English and they caught him on a jury.
	It's like, what is even, this guy's coming to our country.
	He doesn't eat, he's, and he's just telling if people are murdered.
	He can't even speak English.
	Yeah, he just does this.
	Points.
	Just, he's fucking with them.
	He's like, oh, that's crazy.
	And it's a jury.
	Like, you could riff.
	Like, you'd be like, I don't like this guy's outfit.
	Let's send him in.
	Yeah.
	It just blows my mind that we're just crowdsourcing if somebody's guilty or not.
	It just, everything has gotten pretty bananas, man.
	It just seems lazy on the government to be like, we'll have society do it.
	Or maybe it's fair.
	I don't know.
	I don't know anything.
	Well, the government's gotten, the government is out of business, really.
	I mean, if you've been around from home and shit.
	Even the U.S. postal system, it's like – I get mail that's sent to my house.
	It says to Trevor Wallace or current resident.
	Like, how desperate is that?
	Like, for Trevor Wallace or fucking anybody.
	Anybody who lives here.
	It's like sad.
	Like, why you got to be like, if you are?
	Yeah.
	It's almost mail begging you to open it.
	And there's no good mail anymore.
	And it's like, all the mail is trash.
	It's all fucking just a bunch of smack on paper.
	Yeah, they put those fake fucking credit cards in there to like be like, oh, I think he's going to open it up.
	The shitty part is there's a lot of Americans that are like, I just got a new V. It's like, open now, urgent.
	It's like a credit card or fucking murder.
	It shouldn't be urgent.
	Yeah, that's another.
	That is my money.
	Yeah, open.
	Do not bend.
	I hate all mail is bullshit.
	Do not bend.
	It's paper.
	Yeah.
	I got to a bathroom.
	You do?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, hit it up, man.
	Is it inside or outside?
	It's inside.
	Nick said we should put catch up under your seat.
	Bro, there is nothing real gayer than the back of your legs, huh?
	Such a funny place to get pranked.
	Just to see, like, imagine this.
	You got to shit real bad at school.
	You just ate a honey bun.
	Fuck.
	It's so crazy.
	You can't really deal with it at the moment because you self-defining.
	You're like, what do I wipe first my legs from my ass?
	Dude, I wonder if one thing about a coffin you don't see much is somebody face down in a coffin.
	Isn't that so funny?
	Lying on their hands like that.
	Yeah, that's funny.
	That seems more peaceful, honestly.
	Yeah, it's really true, huh?
	Like, who lies like that in a coffin?
	Yeah, I'm a side sleeper, honestly.
	So maybe, maybe I just turn the casket vertical.
	Yeah.
	A side in a coffin would be kind of nice.
	Looking over at somebody.
	Yeah.
	And you put one of your hands up like this is pointing at them.
	Dude, what if he did one of these?
	Like you could, like a selfie opportunity, like the Wax Museum.
	Yeah, maybe a sleep mask would be kind of cool.
	Bro, but that's unbelievable that that chart had said now it's 76% of people are cremated.
	Bro, that's unbelievable.
	It was 4% in 1960.
	Did they have that technology back then?
	That had to be a hard pitch.
	Like the first guy to do cremation.
	Yeah.
	You could just burn the motherfucker.
	What?
	I don't know.
	I'm just spitballing.
	Think about the future, dude.
	I'm not saying Satan's winning, but we could just fucking torch the guy.
	That seems like how you airdrop yourself to hell is just by doing cremation.
	Yeah.
	It just seems, I don't know.
	Yeah, you know, like, well, I think it also used to, well, also used to have all like the mummies and that they would mummify people.
	They would bury them.
	One of the big things back in the day was they would bury you with things you needed to get to the next life.
	Like sometimes I think that could be one of the reasons why like we're stalling out here as a society because we're not Even burying people.
	First of all, we're burning people up.
	There's no way God looks down and is like, chill.
	Hell yeah.
	Good.
	Nice.
	They're burning people.
	Right next to the wood fire pizza.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	But they, dude, imagine if you went to a funeral where somebody's cremated and then went to a wood-burning pizza oven after.
	Dude, that would be a really good two-for-one.
	Yeah.
	Like, burn your dad, get some popcorn chicken pizza.
	I don't know.
	The whole thought of it freaks me out.
	Like, it's so weird.
	Oh, it's so weird.
	One thing to me that's interesting was I think we used to prepare people literally.
	Like they would prepare people.
	They would bury them with different things.
	That is true.
	Yeah, because they'd find a lot of people buried, like either with their cat or like, first of all, my cat would be so pissed down there.
	Yeah.
	Stuff they needed for the afterlife.
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	What are you bringing?
	Yeah, bring up buried people, burying people with afterlife stuff.
	The ancient Egyptians' tomb was supplied with items the deceased would need in the afterlife, food, household goods, and the body itself.
	Often the supplies provided were also duplicated in other forms.
	Food and furniture, for example, were painted or carved into the banquet scenes on the tomb walls.
	But yeah, they needed you to get to the afterlife.
	So I think then a lot more people were actually making it through to the afterlife.
	Now, we're not even burying people with shit so that it's fucking burning man.
	It's like you didn't bring anything.
	You're not going to the next life.
	So the spirit just gets kicked back here.
	And that's why everybody gets born like, oh, this guy's dumb as fuck because he's just stalled out here.
	It's like we're almost like.
	It's a giant potluck.
	You don't bring anything.
	They just send you right back.
	Yeah, I think that's one of the problems.
	Our spirits are stalled out because we're not getting the right tools to get.
	What do you think you would bring?
	It's like Zelda Breath of the Wild.
	I'd bring that thing that when you jump off of something, it lets you glide kind of thing.
	Oh, yeah.
	I thought you meant one of those pull-up bars you put on a doorframe.
	Dude, if you're a chick and you go to a guy's house and he has a pull-up bar on the doorframe, girl, you better wrap up.
	His wife is going to be home soon.
	Let's just say he's a theta chi.
	Let's be real factual about that.
	Yeah, I think I probably, yeah, no's, no's, no's.
	No girl sees that and is like, oh, fuck yeah.
	You can't afford a planet fitness membership.
	Dude, every place I go perform for colleges, like apparently the frat or whatever that like is roofing everybody is always pike.
	I feel like our neighbors in the frat at college were pike and that was a whole like stereotype.
	They got kicked off campus my first semester there.
	And then they just come to our parties.
	Like, dog, no.
	Yeah, bro.
	Yeah.
	They're notorious for it.
	I guess it is.
	For just really having a blast.
	I'm doing a college gig this week, actually.
	You are?
	St. Louis.
	Mizzou?
	Mizzou?
	I'm flying into St. Louis, but they're always far.
	It's in Rollo.
	It might be University of Missouri.
	It's in Rollo.
	Can you look at what's in Missoula?
	I saw it on my website.
	The great part, you don't have to promote these college shows.
	Oh, yeah, that's nice.
	Could you type in Rollo University?
	Dude, I don't know anything.
	Yeah, that's it.
	I think it's an O. R-E-L-O.
	I don't know.
	But yeah, I will say, like, the front row is just all just frat guys yelling.
	Yeah.
	I did, you know, Sean Evans from Hot Ones, yeah?
	Yeah.
	I did a Hot Ones Live at a college with him, me and him.
	It was so fun.
	But all these frat guys were in the crowd just be like, put on more sauce, pussy.
	Am I getting heckled while crying, eating chicken wings?
	Frat guys are the best people ever.
	Oh, dude.
	They're just walking exclamation points.
	People are like, yeah, like we were out the other night and those guys like recording.
	One guy would be recording me.
	One guy would show someone his phone.
	It would be like, upper deck is in or fuck your dad.
	And then the other guys recording you, you still have to give your answer.
	Oh, the street interviews?
	Yeah.
	Those guys spawn out of nowhere.
	You can be anywhere and a guy will pop up, be like, yo, gay son or thought daughter, what would you rather have?
	Dog, we're a fucking Barnes and Noble, dude.
	How did you get in here?
	They just pop out of nowhere.
	That's content now.
	Yeah.
	Content is surprise content.
	Oh, bro.
	That's one thing that I haven't been like, I don't like that ambush style stuff.
	Yeah, it's shocking, dude.
	And I don't like the surprise stuff because you forget that when you're talking to somebody, like if it's at an event or something like that, that somebody could be recording it.
	Yeah.
	It's crazy.
	I mean, where was I?
	It's too scary because if you don't know, I never even know what I'm saying half the time.
	So I'm like, I'm.
	Dude, I was in New York and some guy tapped me on the shoulder, headphones and sunglasses on.
	And he tapped me on the shoulder.
	I turned around and he goes, with the camera, he had a camera cut and a mic.
	And he goes, when was the last time you cried?
	Like, bro, huh?
	I'm walking in a park by myself probably pretty soon.
	We're not far from it.
	But I asked the guy after, I was like, like, I started to riff with him.
	I was like, dude, I don't know who this guy is.
	Like, can we, I was like, can you actually just delete it?
	He's like, no, for sure.
	And I was like, no, like, let me watch you delete it.
	It was very weird.
	Yeah.
	This pop-up shit.
	And you're such a recognizable guy.
	It probably happens to you all the time.
	I see clips of it.
	Yeah.
	I start seeing shit that I can't even, I'm like, oh, some, that was recorded.
	That was a thing.
	It really gets kind of, it gets kind of, I say scary.
	It's kind of in, it's crazy.
	Some of it's invasive.
	Well, yeah.
	And that's the thing.
	You don't know now if somebody just whispers something to you like that, if there's somebody's in the distance recording it.
	So you could say something, even if you think it's just between friends or something, and then they can burn you up on something, you know?
	Yeah, dude, I'll see you like, I mean, dude, you're like walking through like a minor league like baseball dugouts.
	It was like, Dio Vaughn!
	How big's your cock?
	Now you're just all over TikTok and Reddit because you gave a thumbs up.
	Like anything you do, people are like, some girl the other day, she's driving by in her car.
	I guess she drove by and then she came back around real slow.
	And she's like, what's up, Theo?
	And I was like, let me see that puss.
	I just hit her right now.
	But that's what they want.
	But that's what you need.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That's what people want to see.
	They want to see that somebody drove by.
	They want that outlandish Theo.
	And you said, let me see that puss, which is what you're thinking anyway.
	You're just like a walking NFT.
	Like, if anybody gets footage of you being you, they now have a prize possession of like Theo yelling, let me see that puss.
	That shit gets weird, man.
	It's crazy.
	Dude, we went to, oh, you know what we did that was so awesome?
	We went to Caitlin Clark broke the.
	Oh, Louisiana.
	Or no, not Louisiana.
	Indianapolis?
	Oh, fuck, I'm going to show up.
	Iowa.
	But Indianapolis isn't far off.
	But she broke.
	We'd all be on the same tour school.
	The women's scoring record.
	Oh, you were there for that?
	Bro, we went.
	How did the crowd go when she broke it?
	It was crazy, bro.
	Oh, it was good.
	Me and Caleb Presley went.
	And, bro, yeah, he's so funny, man.
	What a neat guy.
	And yeah, we went, but we literally had a blast, man.
	I mean, we just showed up, and her boyfriend, Connor McCaffrey is her boyfriend, and his brother Patrick.
	And we got to sit with them.
	Dude, you'd be at everywhere.
	It was at events.
	Well, this was cool, man.
	I just, I never got to see, like, I mean, it was just watching her play is just really like, it's a vibe.
	The whole team, man, like Hannah Stolke, they got a bunch of like, it was just really interesting.
	And you're watching and it's like the energy is hype.
	Like, I haven't been to like a lot of, I guess, women's basketball games.
	A lot of times you think, like, oh, man, you know, but this shit was hype, bro.
	Yeah, dude.
	I saw a Duke game and like how packed in their stadium is.
	And like that energy was fucking awesome.
	Here's a shot right here that did it broke the record.
	Oh.
	Gang, bro.
	What a banger.
	Yeah, I'm immediately shot down in a bug light.
	Bro, she's a freaking.
	And that was from downtown.
	Oh, she's a sniper.
	1103.
	That's what she says.
	She threw it up.
	That's what they run it as.
	Really?
	So she just popped off.
	That was to break the record.
	Bodies out there.
	Oh, in Iowa?
	No, all-time points for women in NCAA.
	Yeah, sorry.
	Yeah, it was all-time points for women in NCAA.
	She also hit 1,000 assists that game.
	Wow.
	How many points was that?
	I think you said 36 something?
	30. How much points did she at, Nick?
	She's at 35.69.
	And she had 49 that game.
	Oh, yeah, it was her highest ever.
	She had 23 in the first quarter.
	We were like, bro, you feel like you are incapable.
	You're like, God.
	Yeah.
	Dude, that's awesome.
	But that was pretty sick, man.
	That was like probably one of the neater things that I've done in the past year.
	That's great, man.
	That was just pretty cool.
	You've been to any cool events?
	Did you go to Super Bowl?
	I was there Super Bowl a week.
	I got to open the Burt and Tom show in Vegas.
	My first arena.
	It was awesome.
	Dude, yeah.
	What was that like?
	It was a different ballgame.
	It was surreal.
	So pretty much I got asked to do this golf tournament out there.
	And then I booked my own show, just had wise guys just like work on some new shit.
	And then me and Tom erupted the same agency.
	Yeah, you're there too.
	And just kind of put a feeler out there like, hey, Trevor's going to be there.
	If you guys, you know, he just wants to watch the show.
	And they're like, yeah, would he be down to cold open it?
	And I was like, fuck yeah.
	And at first they're like, do five minutes.
	Now I'm like, just five minutes is so hard because you're like, what five minutes are people going to get to know me on?
	And then like, do seven.
	I was like, all right, great.
	And then like, do 10. And then I'm just like, great.
	Now I have like an actual opportunity to do some bits in this.
	Yeah.
	And you're like, you're realizing, oh, these guys are too drunk to go to work right now.
	Yeah.
	They're extending it, okay?
	To like Bertie somewhere relapsing a fucking six milligram Zin bender.
	Too busy blasting Bon Jovi with his tits out.
	But it was fucking, I was so nervous.
	It was 13,000 people.
	No way.
	Yeah.
	I mean, it's fucking, it's insane.
	And there was cold open.
	So it's just like all the lights were on and then the lights were on.
	Well, they, when, right before they announced me, they're like, all right, lights were on.
	They cut black and then they go, Trevor Wallace, like there was no like show begin.
	It just like, you know, I've been cold open something so hard.
	It's been a long time so long.
	Yeah.
	Bro, one time I did a show.
	Rogan invited me to do a show with him and Andrew Santino and it was in Atlanta and I was there just working in the club or something.
	He's like, you want to jump on my show?
	I was like, sure.
	We're standing backstage talking.
	I had no idea I was going on first.
	Literally, they announced out there, you go.
	I walk out there, bro.
	It was a couple thousand people.
	So scared.
	Couldn't fucking talk.
	Didn't know some of my bits.
	Didn't this one words.
	People were sitting down.
	I was so nervous.
	Oh.
	I was so nervous because, like, obviously I've done stand-up thousands of times, but like 10 minutes in front of in the lineup is me, Bobby, Shane, Tom Burch.
	And I'm like, I don't, because as the first comic, if you kind of suck, you might steer the show in a weird direction.
	You know, I have the set in my head and I'm like, yeah, this is, here we go.
	We're just going to do it.
	And then I'm just like nervous.
	I get really like quiet before shows.
	Just, I don't know.
	And then like you're in the green room.
	It's fucking like, I mean, Guy Fieri's back there.
	Jimmy Kimmel's back there.
	And you're just like, all these people are going to watch.
	Yeah.
	But luckily when they announced my name, like a good amount of the crowd felt like they knew or was at least aware of me.
	And then I took the wrong way to get on the stage.
	I'm fucking panicking.
	So I'm like, let me just, there's nothing worse.
	The first time I did the comedy store, same thing.
	I went the wrong like route.
	You're like opening under the comedy store sign.
	You just look like an idiot.
	Yeah.
	So I just went and got a joke out as quick as possible.
	It actually was, it was really, I think it was as good as it could have been for what it was.
	It wasn't like standing ovation worthy, but I thought it was a great cold open and burn tom said nice things out there.
	Oh, it's amazing, dude.
	To get to do that show, I'm freaking jealous, man.
	To get to do that is amazing.
	Yes, I was in the Super Bowl, but I didn't stay for Super Bowl.
	Were you at the game?
	No, I didn't go, man.
	I felt like it was going to be...
	Sometimes there's so much going on at those things.
	It's like everybody's trying to make videos.
	It just feels kind of like overwhelming, you know?
	It's not even about the game, it feels like.
	Like everybody.
	Oh, totally.
	We're at this lunch spot and LeBron walks by.
	And you're like, oh, LeBron's here.
	Ain't nobody give a shit about me.
	Yeah.
	It was nuts.
	Guy, what's his name?
	Gordon Ramsey was at the same bottle service because I was with Sean and we went out to this club and Gordon Ramsey just sat at table.
	And they're like, why am I ever at the same table as Gordon Ramsey?
	Yeah.
	So bizarre.
	Oh, dude, I went to Bobby Kennedy's birthday dinner.
	I mean, it's just, it's all just crazy, the shit you end up in.
	And as weird as the world gets now, it's like the shit that's going on is even getting weird.
	So it's like, it was me, my friend Aaron, Bobby Kennedy, his wife, John Stockton, and Mel Gibson.
	Just crazy.
	Just fucking.
	In what world are we all together and for why?
	Yeah.
	And what problem are we supposed to solve?
	Yeah.
	Like we had no, like it was, but just crazy just sitting there just eating dessert, just talking to Mel Gibson.
	That's John Stockton?
	Yeah.
	One of the, I think he was an all-time assist leader.
	I don't know if he still is or not.
	You ever met anybody that you were nervous by?
	Yeah, I think some of that goes away over time, though, because you just get used to meeting people who are popular.
	For me still, it's any decent looking woman.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, you with hot chicks and interviews are always funny to watch.
	Oh, it's fucking hard.
	Anytime you do a hot chicken on the pod, I feel like you turn it so shy.
	You're like, it's hard.
	You ever had a pudding before?
	She's like, what?
	Like, we could just cut to the ads.
	You're like, bringing a casserole, right?
	Yeah.
	50,000 bonus points.
	The comments are so funny because they're always just like, you know, nervous Theo is when the hot chicks are.
	I know.
	We got to get some more cool chicks in, man.
	Dude, they're out there.
	I know.
	We got to get some neat in.
	I want to get some fucking esseitas, you know?
	Some Latinas, bro.
	Yeah, you should do.
	We want to get peso pluma.
	Oh, he'd be awesome.
	I sent a DM to El Chapo's wife, dude.
	Fuck.
	You should not be doing that, dude.
	Yeah, bro.
	It was a dog.
	I didn't know.
	I thought El Chapo was despacito or something.
	What is it called?
	Not alive?
	Decapitated?
	Muerto.
	I thought.
	Doesn't that mean Wednesday?
	Okay.
	What is it, Nick?
	Muerto is death.
	Okay.
	I thought he was.
	Yeah, death.
	I thought he was death and I thought.
	El Chapo?
	Yeah, and I thought his wife had been in prison.
	So I was like, I just heard her nerkel.
	She's got out of prison.
	I was like, oh, I'm going to say, what's up?
	Yeah.
	You know, I'm going to freaking slide and see if I can get her on the pod, you know, I guess.
	It's also crazy to get out of prison.
	I mean, they get a, be like, yo, trying to hop on the pod?
	You should do Gypsy Rose.
	We hit her up, but because everybody kept tagging us in some story, like, get Gypsy Rose.
	And we hit her up, but she didn't reply back.
	But I think she just played in.
	Didn't she just play in like NBA All-Star Weekend or something?
	Did she really?
	I thought she was.
	Dude, they'd be putting everybody in that fucking game.
	They put anybody.
	She was like Jack Harla guarding up on Gypsy Rose.
	Yeah, dude.
	That shit's crazy, bro.
	Yeah, it's like the Easter bunny fucking guarding Kid Leroy or whatever.
	Kid rocks the rep, dude.
	He's just blowing a crack pipe instead of a whistle.
	I want smoke cracks so bad.
	Bro, what's warm?
	Well, one of the best things about it, I've heard, is that you can stay up and get things done.
	I feel that so much.
	Because Coke, it's just sometimes it's too erratic to get things done, but crack this so you can actually get some things done.
	The My Pillow Guy, Michael, not sure of his name.
	Mike Lindell.
	Mike Lindell, he has a book that I read, and it's about his crack addiction.
	Oh, wow.
	And how he held on to his brand the whole time.
	He was flying to Vegas on the weekends to stay up all night and gamble.
	He was like counting cards, and he'd make just enough money to keep his pillow obsession going.
	Yeah.
	So he made a pillow company while cracked out.
	So he made something to sleep while he was never sleeping.
	It's fucking genius if you think about it.
	He's like, somebody's like, how does it feel?
	He's like, I have no idea.
	I've never tried it.
	That's just where I hide my cocaine on plates.
	That's crazy to be addicted to crack and make a pillow.
	That's hilarious.
	It is, bro.
	We should have him on just to hear about that story.
	I know some people have like, or, you know, people get.
	I like when business owners have like a good origin story.
	Like I know people who used to be really addicted to heroin and now they have their own company.
	It's like, I feel like they fought through so much, like I trust their business more almost.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Well, a lot of addicts, you know, they're really capable.
	They just got caught up, you know, doing the wrong thing.
	Yeah.
	Because people can get addicted to work and working well also, you know?
	Yeah, I feel like I have some of that.
	Do you feel like that?
	Yeah, for sure.
	I think you have some of that.
	Even if we talk about it, you're always a little bit dialed in.
	Like, what do I want to do?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You're always thinking, like, how can I challenge myself?
	That's weird.
	Sometimes I'm like editing on like a Saturday night.
	I'm like, what the fuck am I doing in my life?
	Why am I not at like a rodeo or like a Buffalo Wild Wings?
	I don't know.
	Have you been to a rodeo?
	I don't, maybe as a child.
	Bro, it is one of the funnest things.
	It's so much fun.
	It looks awesome.
	Take a date, go to the rodeo.
	It's the best event that I've been to in the past couple years.
	I can't wait to go again, man.
	Is there food there?
	Yeah, they got food.
	They got like hot dogs and soda.
	And what is the main event?
	They don't have salmon or anything, but the main event, well, the best things about it are they sometimes they have the clowns out there in the barrels.
	They got that shit going on.
	They have like the where the people ride the horse down and cut barrel cutting, is it?
	Barrel racing.
	And they go around and like they have to cut around the barrel as quick as they can on a horseback.
	So you're like trying to just U-turn a fucking horse, you know?
	So that's pretty gangster.
	List of events.
	Bareback riding.
	Whoa.
	Broncos.
	A few things.
	Yeah.
	Saddle bronch riding, steer wrestling.
	And then they do this one thing where like they'll put the kids on like a little sheep or something and let the sheep run out.
	And there's just some kid just fucking, you know, they literally tie the kid onto the sheep and he's just, and then he'll fall right into the dirt every time.
	But it's just the, it just feels like Americana and it feels like everybody's having a blast.
	Everybody's in for the same goal, you know?
	Look at that.
	Yeah.
	He's fucking reverse on that.
	That's a bold move.
	Dude, that's like when me and my brother were kids, we used to like, if one of us had to like use the toilet and the other one did at the same time, the first one would get on and like face the back of the tank and the second one would sit like back to back against him.
	Like the Hurley logo?
	Really?
	Yeah, like the Hurley logo.
	That's so funny.
	Yeah, I remember that.
	And it feels hella gay too, dude.
	If you're like straining your body and you can feel the other person straining their body, you know?
	Oh, yeah, the tensing.
	Yeah, so that was uncomfortable.
	Get up and beat his ass.
	What the fuck did I just feel on my spinal cord?
	I'm going to wipe my ass and beat yours, you know?
	But that was always, when you had to ride on the back of this, when you were like hugging that tank, it always felt fucking crazy.
	Yeah, I didn't have an older brother.
	I just had a sister.
	So I miss out on all those older brother memories where you just beat each other's ass for no reason.
	Yeah, dude, having a brother, I think is, I think it's pretty amazing.
	Because there's just, you get another layer of the world, you know, yeah, like that.
	But this dude's off to the side like fucking.
	Yeah, he's nerve.
	He's nerve.
	Like a gay dude on a horseback or something.
	That's the gayest thing you can do is if you run both legs off to the side.
	It's kind of cool.
	You can just hop off whatever you want.
	This is my stop, and they just hop off.
	It's kind of cool, dude.
	In Africa, I was in Kenya and they have like these taxis, but you basically just get on where the taxis just have like, it's basically like a Volkswagen van.
	Yeah.
	And they've taken like slogans from like American rap and they've they've fucked them up and they have them written all over the windows, you know, like bust these N-words or something, you know, just shit doesn't make it, you know, it's like, um, show that pussy bitch or whatever.
	Just shit that's like, and it's just written in these weird fonts.
	It's a taxi.
	And it's a technique.
	You just get on.
	You don't even know where it's going.
	It just keeps driving you.
	Anywhere is better than here.
	That's it.
	And there'll be literally be 12 people inside of it.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	And it'll just have like we read it on the back, just all kind of like, just kind of urban slang, you know?
	Yeah.
	Have you ever been in Japan?
	I want to, the subways look intense or everybody's just packed up in that bitch.
	The Japanese, it's so clean over there, I hear.
	Yeah, I feel like if you sneeze, you get shot.
	Yeah, they're so clean.
	You ever been or no?
	Yeah, I've been, but I just don't remember it that good.
	But I do remember it was like a homestay or something.
	I was doing this thing called Semester at Sea.
	Okay.
	And it was like a homestay, so you would go and just stay with the family.
	I was just talking about this the other day with Trevor Bauer, and he was on here, but it was like the family that lets you stay with them.
	It was a Japanese family.
	So you literally just showed up on their door at a certain time and you just stayed there for a couple of nights.
	And do they pick you or you pick them or it's just like random?
	There was some program that linked you up.
	And so then I showed up and we don't know what to say.
	So we're all just keep standing around doing that.
	And then we ate like on the, we sat on the floor and ate.
	And then they let me sleep in their room.
	There's only like three little rooms.
	Really?
	And I don't know.
	They might have slept like in the wall or something.
	And I slept on like a, like a thatched mat or something.
	There's no like real bedding.
	It's just like a little.
	Did you sleep okay?
	Yeah, I think I was fine.
	And then, oh, one thing I remember, I would hug, I gave the mom a hug and a kiss on the cheek when I met her, just as like, just where I'm from is pretty normal.
	So the next two days, she kept having her friends come over.
	And right when they come in the door, she'd go like this, you know, because she wanted me to hug them and kept like just like skimping you out.
	Yeah, they just didn't ask me.
	She's charging money.
	Come kiss the American boy?
	You just have no idea.
	So that was kind of, that was just kind of a vibe.
	You low-key worked in the Red Light District.
	Yeah.
	I might have.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that was the worst thing about the Red Light District was that it was so cold.
	Once you got, there was no emotion.
	You're like, oh, there's no emotion there.
	Small talk was interesting.
	It's just fast.
	They want you to bust and get back out on the street.
	I was nervous.
	I was probably about 60% chubbed because it's hard to be like, oh, yeah.
	There's no emotion.
	It's like weird.
	There's small talk.
	There's jizz still drying from the last guy.
	It felt like a doctor's office that they want you to come real fast at.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Yeah, there's like a guy high-fiving me on the way in.
	I'm like, oh, gross.
	You know?
	And then there's shirts, but mine had merch or something when you were leaving.
	Yeah.
	Damn.
	I should start doing that.
	Look up that red light district merch.
	Yeah, but see if they have any cardigans or whatever from the red light district.
	You see, you can't take photos while you're walking through because, you know, a lot, you know, it's very private.
	A lot of people don't want it to get back to their families.
	But you think about something with like the Ray-Band meta glasses.
	Have you seen those?
	They record and they just look like normal glasses.
	So you could just be in there and nobody could know anywhere.
	Wow.
	Bro, you could be fucking at a matinee.
	Remember how mad movies used to get?
	They'd be like, hey, don't record this shit.
	Shut the fuck up.
	Now that's the only thing companies want you to do is record their shit.
	They record it and then post it.
	It's like, oh, cool, we have a movie.
	Screenshot it and put it on TikTok.
	Yeah, so dude, you could just wear that and walk around.
	But if you take a phone, they like yell, they start banging on the windows, like, don't put the fucking phone away.
	That's crazy.
	So this is recording stuff.
	These glasses, they're showing.
	They're really good.
	Have you tried the new thing that people are doing with the Apple Vision?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I tried them.
	No way.
	Yeah, I tried Apple Vision Pros.
	They're pretty cool.
	I borrowed them from a friend.
	I don't know the benefit of it.
	It's just like rich people to get away from their families, I think.
	Bert would love these.
	Shout out, Bert.
	I know.
	But you just put them on and then you can, like, you just, it's not full VR.
	It's augmented reality, I guess.
	So any screen, like if you had YouTube screen, you could make it as big or as small as you wanted, which I don't really know what the benefit is.
	Yeah.
	But you could like scroll Twitter over here and like watch.
	Oh, yeah, I made a video on it.
	Oh, but it's all happening in front of you?
	Yeah.
	But you can play shit around you.
	So there's, yeah, so, so go there.
	So like, that's what it looks like.
	Like, the joke in this is I'm playing like Soboy Surfer while she's talking to me.
	And that's real.
	So you could be talking to someone in front of you and be playing, I have a window open somehow virtually between you guys that you see through the, you could be on a date with a girl and realistically be watching a Theobon podcast.
	Wow.
	So it's, I don't know.
	The benefit of it is like, if you just want to, I don't really know, like sit on your couch and not have a TV.
	Like the joke in this at the very end of the video I do is a guy lives in a studio apartment by himself and he's so lonely and he's like, I have everything I ever wanted, a TV, a kitchen, a hot wife, and just by himself.
	So I think it's great if you're lonely.
	But I don't know the full appeal of it quite yet.
	Yeah, that's the thing.
	It's like, this looks like I'd rather just use my computer.
	You also look insane.
	You look like you should be in the Salem witch trials.
	I can't believe that was real.
	You accuse somebody of being a witch and they're like, to the lake.
	Oh, this, but there's a, yeah, can you imagine that?
	Like, if you were a witch, the Salem witch trials, bring these.
	What happened to these bitches?
	Well, we got to know, man.
	The Salem witch trials occurred in colonial Massachusetts.
	Well, shout out Amherst, bro.
	It was just there.
	This is where it happened?
	Yeah, probably by UMass between early 1692 and mid-1693.
	So, bro, this was a short, this was a year and a half.
	More than 200 people were accused of practicing witchcraft.
	Yeah, probably all Geminis, too.
	Only 20 were executed.
	So 10% out of the 200.
	I wonder what made them think that they really were.
	That's a great question.
	Yeah, can you see what determined if a witch was killed during the Salem was trials?
	And witches are fake, right?
	So those 20 got got, and they weren't witches, right?
	Well, I think there was also some people at that time that was witching.
	Oh.
	I would guess, you know?
	Yeah.
	Because somebody's going to fucking witch.
	If you're chilling that much and nothing to do.
	Yeah, that is true.
	It's a good side hustle.
	Most accusers were teenage girls, mostly populated by Puritans.
	Salem village was it was virtually impossible to disprove charges of witchcraft in Salem.
	And defendants were convicted with no evidence other than personal accusations.
	Wow.
	The presence of a devil's mark on their bodies.
	And that's where the jury duty came from.
	The presence of a devil's mark on their bodies.
	So that's if you had like a birthmark.
	Damn.
	Fuck.
	Ogden, God.
	I got a birthmark right here.
	Drew Brees would have been.
	What were some of the tests?
	This is so unfair.
	Witch swimming was a practice of tying up and dunking the accused into a body of water to determine whether they sink or float.
	Sinking to the bottom indicated the accused was innocent, while floating indicated a guilty verdict.
	Aren't you, if you're a little larger, you float more?
	Yeah, so a thin lady wasn't a witch.
	Right.
	Anybody who might have been plus side was a Sam witch.
	Dude, that's crazy, though.
	So you just, man, that would be the worst because it's basically being the dunk tank or whatever.
	Yeah, I don't like, like, how would you make yourself sink if you were a witch?
	We just hold your breath.
	I would swim down to the bottom, too.
	I'm sure you're like back there about to go out and they're like, hey, do you have any tips or whatever?
	Nervous?
	Yeah.
	People are like, yeah, I'm nervous, dude.
	Are you swimming at the bottom?
	Yeah.
	How long do you have to be at the bottom before you indicated that you're innocent?
	And then even if you're innocent, you come back up.
	During the Salem witch trials in 1692 and 1693, there were several tests used to determine if someone was a witch.
	The touch test, the afflicted person, someone who claimed to be under the influence of witchcraft, would convulse or exhibit symptoms in the presence of the accused.
	If the afflicted person stopped convulsing upon touching the accused, it was believed to be the evidence of witchcraft.
	Wow.
	Dude, the saddest one is number six, just confession.
	Fuck it, I'm a witch.
	That's just somebody who's just like, I'm done with this planet.
	Wow, confession.
	Many accused individuals were coerced or tortured into confessing to witchcraft.
	That's kind of sad.
	Physical examination for witches' marks, number five.
	The accused would be searched for supposed physical marks believed to be signs of witchcraft, such as moles, birthmarks, or scars.
	Dude, what if you just have a mole on your back and they're like, this is a freaking chocolate chip of hell?
	Yeah, that's witchcraft.
	That's the devil trying to communicate with us.
	What?
	You're a mole.
	Yeah, that's crazy.
	Damn.
	That would be so tough because you always have to decide.
	I bet for that year and a half, people are just acting like they're not witches.
	Not a witch, yeah.
	Yeah.
	Like you can't even sneeze.
	You can't blow out candles.
	Like, imagine it's your birthday and like blow out these candles.
	You're like, I can't do that.
	You see a broom.
	You have to be like, oh, what is that?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, why don't I beat my husband in the head with it, huh?
	Why don't I beat my Astro Mac in the head with it?
	Yeah, wait, people use these to fly?
	What the fuck?
	He was like, don't do drugs.
	And his wife was just beating the fucking head.
	And people were like, God, God's bleeding.
	Those school assemblies, it's just onset like WWE.
	Like, it just makes you want to wrestle or do drugs.
	It was such a crazy time to see everybody, too, because nothing.
	The first one we ever had, I remember in junior high, in middle school, kids were peeing on the heaters in the bathroom.
	It was old school heaters, and it would steam up the bathroom.
	Like a sauna?
	Yes, you couldn't even walk it.
	Like you couldn't see it.
	Just pissed me.
	Pissed me, dude.
	So people were just making it, just making it fucking steam up in there.
	That's horrendous.
	And then you'd see some dude in there with his shirt off.
	Like, what the fuck?
	I think Saturn Equinox, this trank addict doing.
	But that was kind of crazy.
	But then as you got into junior high or high school, too, the assemblies were just, because you got to sit with your boys and see your boys outside of class and shit.
	It was fun.
	It was so fun.
	Did you guys have talent shows and stuff like that?
	I don't think we did.
	Oh, we had talent shows, dude.
	Did you ever sign up?
	I got to host it one time with my friend Rebecca.
	Yeah.
	That's pretty cool.
	And yeah, this girl played piano in it one time, and I'd never heard a girl play piano before, and she sang, bro.
	She's a fucking witch.
	Yeah, we fucking cooked her the next day.
	I was like, that bitch is going to sing.
	That sounds like a ringtone fryer ass.
	Damn.
	Yeah, I don't know.
	I don't know if we ever had, that was the only assembly we had was that.
	I don't think we had other ones.
	Pep rallies were pretty.
	Pep rallies.
	What was that?
	Just to get fired up on the school?
	Yeah.
	It's like 4th of July for your school.
	Like, we're going to win.
	And we never won, dude.
	People were like, people would be like, are we going to win?
	That was even like the most hopeful sign somebody would make.
	Are we going to win?
	The prep rally, you're not going to win.
	Your school's already filled with losers.
	We're like, we need to cheer ourselves up.
	Yeah, we might not win some of the signs.
	Yeah, buff schools never had those rallies.
	Oh, bro.
	Our school was, we could not win shit, dude.
	Were you guys go to any sports?
	Like, our school's like really good at tennis and swimming.
	You know, white people.
	Oh, really?
	That's hella white.
	We had ROTC, like the wooden gun gang or whatever.
	Those dudes that would like, yeah, the guy would flash his wooden gun during school or be like, what the fuck are you doing?
	He'd be like, you're going to finish that blueberry muffin?
	You're like, yeah.
	And he's like, what about now?
	He has two splinters on his hand.
	Dude, then the kids from Woodshop come up and back you up.
	Leave him alone.
	Leave him alone, Corbin.
	Put the cookies down.
	Those kids were crazy, bro.
	That was kind of fun.
	If you took Woodshop in high school, you were a stoner.
	You either made a birdhouse, you made a bong.
	That was it.
	Yeah.
	You're like, I made a fucking pipe or something.
	Yeah, some dude, somebody's always trying to make their sister like a little table or something, or there's always something real sad going on in there.
	Probably like a sparrow, a box for.
	Yeah, there's woodshop bongs right there.
	Yeah, dude.
	Woodshop was just like a stoner's dream.
	You just do nothing all day except labor work.
	And you're like, I fucking love this class.
	And the crazy part was the saws were always going to nobody could hear anybody.
	The teacher's giving instructions, but nobody can hear.
	Yeah, you want.
	What a waste of a class, but in the best way.
	Dude, I don't know if I talked about this before, but I had to.
	We had the science teacher in 11th grade, and he, I think he got fired because he would stare at these girls' tits.
	He would sit this girl in the front row.
	I think I talked about this, maybe I'm here before, but he'd sit this girl in the front row, and we would count because it was a hot chicken.
	Me and my friend next to her, we count all the time.
	You look at her tits, yeah, crazy, dude.
	Oh, like blatant.
	Oh, yeah, and you got a support guy.
	Whose team are you on?
	I was there for a good game.
	Yeah, you know, it's like two teams in the Super Bowl you don't care about, but it's a good team for some matchup because she would lean into it.
	She'd like fucking him.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	He probably is not doing well now.
	Yeah, there was always those chicks that started to know they had power over the teacher, too.
	And they would just like wear like, yeah, like show more tits.
	Some cleaners.
	Test day coming up.
	Yeah, dude.
	We had a guy who came into class.
	He started, this was the first dude I ever heard talk about kombucha, right?
	This is 20 years ago.
	This dude came in, started yelling.
	He had a huge thing of like a big, huge glass jar.
	He made of kombucha and water, whatever.
	And he's telling everybody, he's like, this is the secret of the future, right?
	This will change your life.
	And then he would like go into like the little closet that was attached to the classroom and come out like 30 minutes later.
	And people are like, what the fuck?
	Was he just making boots back there?
	We have no idea what he was doing, but it was so bizarre.
	And then he came because our main teacher got busted dating a girl at school.
	They put a wire on her and they were going to run off together.
	And the cops caught him somewhere like on the highway.
	Damn.
	And we all kind of felt, we felt, I mean, obviously it was messed up.
	Yeah.
	But everybody just was like, man, just, it was sad because everybody loved him too.
	He was an awesome teacher.
	He didn't seem like a bad guy.
	You know, I think there's, you know, I think a lot of, I think some dudes that teach never, their brain never leaves high school too, you know?
	No, I mean, they're just surrounded by high schoolers and eventually they're just like, these are my coworkers.
	Question mark?
	It's a, yeah.
	Yeah, I don't know.
	It's when these guys get busted for it, it's sad as fuck.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, the whole thing's just sad, you know?
	Yeah.
	Did you see those Trump sneakers that came out?
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	The funniest comment was like, those are the January 6s.
	Chevy.
	Fucking crying.
	Can we see a photo of them?
	They're just, they look like Hulk Hogan or like.
	Oh, they do kind of.
	I didn't even think about that.
	Or fuck, what's his name?
	Ric Flair.
	They just look like they make you want to go, woo.
	Yeah, they kind of a hacksaw Jim Duggan vibe, too.
	They kind of have that 80s, like, I wonder if a lot of black dudes would support these as well.
	These might be pretty tough, man.
	Yeah, dude.
	You could probably flip those pretty good on songs.
	Can we get a better look at them, Nick?
	They should have like a song that plays when you walk in them.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	I want to be American.
	I think he could have, what would he have?
	Each step.
	Yeah, each step is another note.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You got to complete the song.
	That shit should have Heely's in it.
	Oh, yeah.
	But it has like a little mud flap behind it.
	Bro, those are actually kind of fucking tough, bro.
	Do you think we can get a pair of those, Nick?
	Yes, for everybody?
	Can I have one?
	How about this?
	Let's start with a pair and then we'll let everybody choose if they want that, if they do want those, or if we all want them.
	I don't know.
	There's going to be in a museum one day.
	And in like 100 years, they're going to be like, what the fuck was going on in 2024?
	The air trumps, dude?
	But that's just where we are.
	It's like, what if they had like, you know, people from the past, like politically – Yeah, dude.
	You know?
	Man, this would be kind of hard.
	A Lincoln 3s, dog?
	Yeah, oh.
	The fucking Harriet Tubman Crocs.
	Donald Trump booed while promoting $399 sneakers one day after court orders him to pay $355 million.
	Oh, he got booed?
	Yeah, who was if he did?
	You never know.
	That's the thing about the news now.
	You don't know what happened.
	Yeah, but are they booing the shoe or the fact that the court ordered him so much money?
	Yeah, that's a good question.
	They don't tell you.
	The shoe, he's pulling well.
	It says, but you can picture the guy who's going to wear those.
	He's got like an affliction t-shirt.
	He's got the faux hawk.
	You think?
	Yeah, I think so.
	He's got a couple of lines shaped on the side of his head.
	I could see those doing well for some reason because there's just something in the Z, like, because a lot of the culture supports Trump.
	A lot of black folks support Trump.
	Yeah, really came around.
	It's like a lot of black jewels are like, that's my guy.
	Yeah, so it's kind of interesting.
	I wonder, you show one rapper sporting those dude and it's a fucking touchdown, you know?
	Now he sold a lot of weird shit on his, oh, here it is right here.
	There's a lot of emotion in this room.
	Thank you.
	Oh, he's at sneaker con?
	Dude, getting booed and saying thank you is a power move, I will say.
	Trump just does whatever he's supposed to do, huh?
	He doesn't even know.
	There he is.
	This is not a bad thing.
	He's at sneaker con?
	Let's see.
	Well, I don't think that's his audience.
	He's got to go to like a TGI Fridays.
	But is that what happened or is that AI?
	You just don't know.
	That's a thing now.
	Can you go to the website where it looks like?
	It's like get TrumpSneakers.com.
	Yeah, that's what I want to see because they also sell that 45 cologne.
	Trump has his own cologne, bro.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I mean, like, dude, think about how much merch Hello Kitty has.
	Like, we might as well fucking double down.
	Like, Hello Kitty's making bags just existing.
	Yeah, which is crazy that there's an Asian cat that's actually fucking not being compromised in his fucking home country, okay?
	Yeah, I think it was a website.
	I think it was Get Trump Shoes or something like that.
	Yeah, what did that say?
	Get Trump sneakers or something?
	Yeah, I believe so.
	Yeah, I mean, if I'm him, yeah, I'm selling everything.
	Get as much money as you can.
	I mean, he's already so goddamn rich.
	I don't know.
	But Izzy, they just took $355 million from.
	Oh, maybe that's why.
	There's a lot of these courts now.
	They're trying to break his bank now.
	That's another thing they're doing.
	Like, I'm not saying he's not guilty of some of this stuff, but they're really hashing out to him.
	Wow.
	Oh, they only had a thousand pairs.
	Each are numbered.
	I just got the pre-order for the Tesla.
	Did a cyber truck?
	Yeah.
	Really?
	Have you seen one in person yet?
	There's two options.
	They said there's a regular option that comes out in May, or there's a Cyber Beast that comes out probably in like December.
	What'd you do?
	I don't know.
	It's kind of, you kind of want it soon.
	Yeah.
	I mean, I've never like been holding out for like a year and a half to wait to get myself a new vehicle.
	Yeah.
	So part of me is like, maybe I should just get it.
	But the Cyber Beast has.
	Holy shit.
	The Cyber Beast has like the bar across the top with like the light bar and stuff.
	The Cyber Truck doesn't have that.
	Oh, okay.
	Aren't they bulletproof?
	Yeah.
	And that's one thing that I'm excited about, dude.
	Shit gets fire.
	It's weird in the world.
	Yeah.
	It's weird in the world these days.
	What else you got going on, man?
	Are you thinking about doing new stuff?
	Where's your like production brain at?
	Because you're always kind of thinking of what's new or what's next.
	Like, what do you see kind of happening in like technology or in like performance?
	Or like, what's like keeping you excited?
	God, keep me excited, man.
	Next you don't have an answer.
	That's fine.
	Did you say something, Nick?
	Nope.
	Okay, sorry.
	Yeah, I don't know.
	I mean, I'm just building up material again, which is kind of fun.
	It's like terrifying just because like lately I've been doing all new shit and then I'll end with like an old joke from the special and the barometer, what the old shit from the special gets versus some of the new stuff.
	It's tough, but when that new stuff really starts hitting, it's fucking exciting.
	So I'm in the middle of that.
	Just doing, just doing shows and shit, really.
	Have you been down to the mothership?
	I have.
	I did Kill Tony out there.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, that was fun.
	Bro, the success of Kill Tony, can we look at that for a second?
	That's crazy.
	He sold out in Madison Square Garden.
	I think twice.
	Unbelievable.
	Yeah, from the belly room to that.
	I mean, it's fucking awesome.
	I mean, I usually watch it pretty much every Monday.
	It's like really, it's a very well-structured show.
	And dude, one thing I'll say, the best sets that I've had on stage in a club this year were at the mothership.
	I think because there's no phones.
	So you know you're safe.
	Yeah.
	So your brain knows you're safe.
	And I think your brain is like more liable to do its best work if it knows that it's not going to be compromised or it can be, it can get something wrong.
	Yeah.
	And acoustically, it sounds good too.
	Yeah.
	It's great down there.
	It's fun, comfortable.
	But yeah, this Kill Tony is unbelievable.
	Dude, he had the other night I'm watching, there's 81,000 people watching at the same time.
	Oh, live?
	81,000.
	Do you know how hard it is to get 81,000 people?
	I would do Instagram live.
	I pull a dick out and I'm maybe at 3,000.
	Maybe.
	Yeah, that's crazy.
	Well, it's the biggest live podcast.
	It's fucking awesome.
	It's huge.
	Kudos to him, man.
	It's launching careers.
	Kudos to Redband.
	Yeah, it's unbelievable.
	It's the gong show.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And I mean, it's, But that's also what it is.
	It's like the Laugh Factory Open mic got really weird for a while.
	Like when I was doing it early on in like 2015, it's like, because people are flying from Florida to be like, this is my one chance at making it in Hollywood.
	So now I think Kill Tony's at, where, yeah, it's a lot of Austin comics, but it's also people who are flying in from fucking Chugwater, Wyoming to be like, today's my day.
	And it might be.
	Some people get up there and they're in front of a million people, 81,000 live, and they have no material.
	They're up there just like, I just wanted to say hi, Tony.
	But it's like, yeah, like you said, it's like America's got talent.
	You want to see people bomb.
	You want to see people do good.
	And the hilarity of it too is they give them one minute, right?
	Which is.
	You're not, you can't.
	It's impossible.
	It's so hard.
	And then, then they get to rip the guy of fucking 11 new assholes for 20 minutes.
	Professional comedian versus a guy who was told he was funny at a gender reveal six months ago.
	I mean, the structure is like so in favor of Tony.
	And that's why, and Tony's so good at it.
	Tony is so fucking funny and quick with it.
	But yeah, to do a minute, like I was talking about doing five minutes at the arena show, a minute in front of all, like to get a premise out where people like right off the bat like you.
	I mean, dude, I mean, I was, you've been a judge on it, right?
	How quiet the crowd gets when that person grabs a mic to start their minute.
	I mean, it is dead silent.
	I was right next to this guy.
	He was bombing.
	I could feel the pulse in his dick just shriveling up.
	I mean, dude, I mean, this guy went up and immediately insulted the crowd.
	And I just had like the secondhand embarrassment.
	You could feel everybody turn so quick on it.
	Dude, I mean, like, it's so tough.
	It's so, the odds of you being successful.
	And then they literally rip.
	They have no chill for anybody.
	Dude, go to the guy.
	I forget what he was wearing, but he had like a, like a button-up t-shirt.
	Maybe you can scroll around and keep going.
	But he walks out and immediately insults the audience.
	And the thing with the show is like, this show is so big and their fans are so loyal that these people love Tony.
	They love the show.
	So you insult it.
	No, not that guy.
	He was actually really sweet.
	Looked like Johnny Sins.
	It might have been earlier.
	I wish I had the fucking Apple Provisions.
	Keep going.
	Wow, how would that help you right now?
	Because I could scroll at my face and fucking do a little thing and find it.
	Keep going.
	This guy opens and he literally insults the crowd and then just proceeds to eat shit for a minute.
	It's coming up.
	It might be after this guy.
	It might be after David.
	Yeah, I mean, it's launching careers.
	Like, people are getting moon.
	You know, Cam Patterson?
	I want to go spend time with you.
	Dude, this guy, go to the beginning of a set.
	I love Cam.
	Cam's really funny.
	He's a good dude.
	Go to the beginning.
	Dude, I mean, you can feel how tense it is up there.
	Yeah, I should be.
	Perhaps Montella.
	What's going on, y'all?
	Oh, thank you.
	Oh, you ugly people.
	Thank you for coming out.
	I appreciate that.
	I know what you're thinking.
	Why is my GTA drug dealer...
	But yeah, 300 people just...
	You ugly people.
	I wonder what inside of him made him think that that was just good or nervous.
	Yeah.
	And it is a roche show, so you're kind of like off the.
	Yeah, there's a blind dude there.
	Yeah.
	That's a painted that one guy black.
	That guy didn't be black.
	They edit that in.
	Sonny named Brian Simpson.
	Yeah, this dude.
	And then here's the crazy part.
	They have the Jim Norton right there.
	Brian Simpson is basically the black red band.
	You don't know what's going on here, dude.
	It's so good.
	I saw an episode recently.
	This guy went up there and opened with like, oh, it's great to be on like America's Got Talent like Trailer Park Edition, and then ate shit for a minute.
	And the second his minute was up, Tony was like, huh, America's the trash division, huh?
	And then you just bought, like, I think that everybody is there for Tony and the show.
	So when you talk shit about the show, you haven't earned it, like, they turn on you so quickly.
	You got to expect it, man.
	But like being next to that, you could just feel how tense it was.
	I mean, to do a minute, I mean, it's, it's a fucking god-awful format for a new stand-up.
	But if you do well, it launches your career.
	Well, it's just amazing what they're doing.
	It's amazing that they're doing that with a table, a couple of cameras, and a comedy stage.
	A table.
	They're fucking set up.
	It's a podcast.
	Yeah, they used that for a pot look the other day.
	Yeah, they're probably going to try and get bought out, but like how the show is right now is perfect.
	I'm like, you really don't need to change anything, honestly.
	Yeah.
	I mean, and why would, yeah, if you could travel with that show for the next couple years and do it on the road.
	Dude, it's huge.
	I get recognized for being on that show more than just, not more, but just like random summer, oh, I saw you on Kill Tony.
	It's like, yeah.
	It's the number one thing that I hear people say a lot, just like, oh, that kind of just surprised me.
	Like, oh, yeah, we just flew to Austin for Kill Tony.
	Yeah.
	Well, it's also a big, there's a big community in it where, like, it's almost exciting where like the Reddit will kind of go crazy.
	Oh, I heard Theo's the guest on this week's episode because since they bank shoot, they don't really know, but it's like, oh, Theo's in Austin.
	People start doing the dots and stuff.
	Yeah.
	It's kind of like a fun, because it brings all corners of the comedy world in it.
	And there's those characters.
	It's like a reality show, honestly.
	Yeah, you want to see them, want to see what's going on with their life.
	Yeah, man.
	And they have crazy moments, that Ric Flair moment where he just said, I'm going to bed or whatever.
	He didn't understand the concept of it.
	Yeah, was he hammered?
	He's just like, hey, stop roasting these people.
	It's like a Rick Flair.
	I will never say anything bad about a veteran.
	That's like Tony's icon right there, too.
	He loves Rick Flair.
	I was like, I'm not a veteran.
	He was like, I'm going to bed.
	There was one the other day with Mark Norman that was so funny, dude.
	It's all great.
	There's some moments on there.
	Yeah, that's Ric Flair leaving.
	Yeah, what else do you think about doing a film or do you start to piece any stuff?
	I know you were talking about doing a TV show at one point.
	Yeah, I pitched some stuff.
	I'm kind of working with a few people on something, but I think my main focus is anything that I can make.
	I don't want to be like, there's too many, I guess, roadblocks going to some of these.
	So I'll show interest.
	If somebody wants to work with me, I'll be like, hey, I'm down, but like, you got to come to me.
	Like, this is what I'm working on.
	So you got to like equal that or like meet me halfway, I think.
	Yeah.
	So I'm doing a lot of that, but really just trying to elevate what I'm already doing.
	Just shoot more sketches, put out more shit, try different formats.
	YouTube's in a weird place where it's like what they want is very different.
	It's very like sketch comedy, I wouldn't say it's dead, but it's not in the forefront.
	You know, people want to be talked to.
	You know, they want to like, if you want to do stuff to a camera, like if I was doing a sketch, instead of being like me and you in the sketch, I would just do like POV and then the camera is you just like talking to me because people just want to be talked to.
	So I don't really know what the fuck is going on on the internet.
	Like I think I do and then I post something and then a week later, it's not really that.
	So I don't really know.
	Yeah, it's tough to know.
	It's tough to know.
	And it's tough to know if it's just like a lull in the vibe that week of humanity or if people are studying for exams or people are taking away on vacation or something.
	It's hard to know what's up.
	Power outage in Little Rock.
	You never really know.
	Sometimes I think about going down to Austin though for a while.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, just because there is a sense, there's an energy down there that's exciting.
	It is exciting.
	You know, one of my openers, Chance Willie is moving down there from Nashville.
	Yeah.
	And there's just an energy there.
	It's like, yeah, it's fun.
	You go up in the room with Ron White sitting in there.
	Shane Gillis is there now.
	You know, Team Dylan pops in and out.
	Would you ever get just like a small little condo over there?
	That's what I think I would probably do.
	Just get a house or something or a small house or just something real.
	Well, something.
	Nothing fancy or anything.
	Just a place where I could go and be there and maybe try it for a month or two, you know?
	Yeah.
	Where are you going up now?
	Are you just doing the shows?
	I'm in Nashville now, but I'm going to Australia tonight.
	Tonight?
	Yeah.
	Holy shit.
	That flight is crazy.
	Yeah, it's going to be long.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Do you take anything on flights or no?
	You just sit there with your thoughts and think about life.
	Yeah, I'll just take Nyquil probably.
	Yeah.
	Because I had a little bit of a fever yesterday.
	That Mormon perk 30 right there.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	How long are you in Australia for?
	Shout out to all the black Mormons too, dude.
	Hey, show up, huh?
	Yo, if you're a black Mormon, man, send in a video.
	We want to connect with you guys and fellowship with you guys.
	Bring him in.
	How long you in Australia for?
	Three weeks.
	Yeah, that's long.
	So we did a month.
	Just, yeah, we wanted to take some days off, and I just want to be able to have a little bit more of an actual time over there, you know?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, dude, there's no guns out there.
	It's crazy.
	Wow.
	There's like none.
	I saw a cop arresting the guy.
	He's like, get down.
	You have a finger gun.
	And the guy just went like this kind of just folded him in.
	He's like, dude, now it's pointed at me.
	Started making out.
	It's fucking awesome, dude.
	Yeah, if you see, if you go to Brisbane, you can just point a finger gun at a cop.
	Yeah.
	Don't do that.
	But yeah, they don't have guns out there.
	Apparently in the 80s or the 90s, there's one massacre shooting.
	And then they all were like, hey, bring your gun here.
	We're getting rid of them for $500.
	You give us your gun.
	We'll give you $500.
	They did it.
	Everybody just did it.
	They should roll up in the hood in America and do that shit, especially in the fucking hood, man.
	Yeah, but somebody would get shot at that event.
	Yeah, but still, dude.
	Turn those choppers over.
	Dude, a couple of young bangers shot up the fucking Chiefs parade.
	Did you see that?
	I didn't see that.
	Dude, can you imagine your team wins a Super Bowl and somebody's rolling up dissuading?
	It's just heartbreaking, man.
	Dude, I mean, fucking the more and more there is, that Cybertruck is sounding a little more like.
	That's what I'm saying.
	That's funny because everything follows suit.
	Like when push-to-start cars started, it was like rare and it was luxury.
	Now like Ikea Sorrento's got them.
	So in the future, Nissan Ultimas are going to be bulletproof, which let's be honest, they should have been bulletproof already.
	Nissan Ultimas are like the hood car.
	When did that happen?
	Well, it used to be the Honda Civic, man.
	When I was coming up.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	There was a lot of like a lot of kind of thicker white chicks would date a brother and she would have the Honda Civic and he would drop her off at work in her car.
	Yeah.
	And then now everything's changed and now it's the, what'd you say it's the Nissan Ultimas?
	Yeah.
	Dude, you see one of those pull up fully tinted?
	Dude, they tint the front window too.
	That's how you know somebody has a gun in the front.
	I saw the headlights tinted.
	You could see the fucking headlights.
	Exactly.
	Yeah, it's definitely like a, oh, shit, we should go inside car.
	Yeah.
	I don't know what it is, but the rest of the Nissans are like family cars.
	Like, you just get like a, like a tundra.
	You're like, that's a chill car.
	You put Ultima.
	You're like, somebody's getting shot.
	Those are nice, dude.
	There's a lot of nice cars now.
	A lot of cars look cool now.
	I feel like almost every car does.
	Even the new Prius, you're like, oh, okay.
	Yeah.
	I'll get a handy one of those.
	Did you see Zuckerberg at the UFC fight?
	Oh, yeah.
	Wasn't he like just hanging out with the boys?
	They kept passing t-shirts over him.
	Just so bizarre.
	Like, so he's helping somebody get into the ring, right, Nick?
	Yeah, he walked out with Volk.
	And he walked out with Volkanovsky.
	Dude, this is me when my phone dies and I'm at a restaurant with my friends.
	Oh, man, that's tough.
	Dude, he's like bobbing his head like he's listening to like Bob Marley.
	What love?
	Yeah, it's almost like he's just sewing his head like, okay, this is how you seem normal.
	He's like, he doesn't know how to be normal.
	He's worth like $150 billion.
	But he can't pay to be normal.
	He doesn't know how.
	You think, hey, spin a bill on normal enough.
	Yeah, bro.
	Hire a city to come over once a week.
	And be like, hey, this is fucking St. Louis.
	This is how you're going to be for a week.
	Drinking water.
	Yeah, like, that's so bizarre.
	He doesn't know how to just.
	He's a computer, man.
	You know, we're just talking about this earlier today.
	It's, that's where we are.
	He's a computer.
	Yeah, dude.
	He's like, how do I drink water appropriately?
	What do I do now?
	I mean, when he's at home, like, you got to imagine, like, he's not chewing his food for him.
	You know, he sleeps in a coffin.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's got like fair guns in it and shit.
	But I think somebody chews up his food and gives it to him.
	Yeah.
	When you're that rich, I don't think you do anything.
	Oh, I would hire a strong Mexican guy to cuddle my wife.
	I would have him butter my bread.
	Oh.
	Have you seen the guy?
	If I were rich.
	Have I seen the guy that's what?
	He takes his, he's trying to be like the youngest guy in the world.
	He takes his son's blood.
	Johnson is his name, right?
	You got to get him on the show.
	He's a fucking character.
	Really?
	Not in a good way.
	And he's eating his son's blood?
	Yeah, it's really weird, but he's, but he's like doing these things.
	He like measures his erections at night.
	He's like, I want to have the erection of a 21-year-old.
	It's like, it's a little fucking weird, dude.
	You want to get hard every time you see Spike TV pop up on screen?
	Fuck yeah.
	Fucking weird.
	It's really weird.
	And he looks not amazing for how much he's doing.
	Brian Johnson, the tech founder, spending millions to be 18 again, says his goal is to make death optional.
	Yeah, they sell only two things in life for a certain death in taxes.
	Billionaire biohacker Brian Johnson doesn't subscribe to that opinion.
	The tech entrepreneur has gained notoriety for $2 million a year anti-aging routine.
	He's named the Blueprint Protocol.
	For Johnson, this entails eating his last meal at 11 a.m., sleeping alone, taking more than 100 supplements a day.
	He also subjects himself to a vast array of tests and experiments, blood plasma transfusions, microneedling, full body LED exposure, and MRI scans, to name a few.
	Wow.
	So he goes through all that, and then type in his name and his age, and then guess how old he is.
	Or type in a photo of him and then guess how old he is.
	Okay, don't tell me how old he is.
	Let's get a photo of him up, Nick.
	please.
	Like, so this guy is spending his entire, He's Timbal Grandin, though.
	He's Timbal Grandin.
	And she was one of the first trans cattle ranchers.
	Really?
	Oh, I can see it.
	Yeah, dude.
	This guy.
	This guy.
	Dude, maybe he spends so much money.
	Even in the red shirt, no, no.
	Get that red one.
	Nope.
	Top okay.
	There it is.
	Yeah.
	So this guy's paying billions of dollars.
	Look like Temple Grandin, dude.
	Yes.
	So how old do you think he is?
	And he's spending millions of dollars.
	He sleeps alone.
	His last meal is at 11 a.m.
	He has 100 pills a day and he takes his son's blood, which is so weird.
	Hey, son, you mind putting down Fortnite real quick?
	Daddy needs some sucky suck.
	This guy at Salem Woods Trials would be drowned for even blinking.
	How the fuck's behind those eyes?
	Brian Johnson, I would say he is 42 years old.
	46. Okay.
	But like I feel like you see people around Hollywood that look like that.
	I mean, it's all from plastic surgery and they're all going to fucking.
	Yeah, he looks just like one of those people that does too much to their face and it makes him look like strange.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	Like at a certain point, you just start to look strange.
	What's that shirt with that picture with him with no shirt on?
	That's interesting.
	There's Madonna right there.
	And I mean, it's all like without plastic surgery.
	And listen, he'll live longer than I will.
	And he'll be cremated and turned into a fucking dumbbell or something.
	But I mean.
	We got to get Temple Grandin on here.
	Yeah, it's just like...
	It's just an interesting...
	Yeah, he looks like a bad guy in one of those Hannibal Lecter movies.
	He looks like the first bad guy who was like lactose and tolerant.
	Like you're one carton of milk and this guy is out for a week.
	This guy's on a shitter, dude.
	Dude, I went to this chick's house.
	You did?
	Yeah.
	A girl you're dating or a friend?
	Two different stories.
	Oh, then I have a question for you.
	I went to this girl's house and she has a squatty potty.
	I'll never be able to look at her again the same.
	And what is that?
	It's where you put your feet up like this.
	Oh, on that thing.
	Yeah.
	So you shit harder.
	Wow.
	And are you shitting for like impact or something?
	I don't know.
	You're just trying to break it.
	Shitting for speed or whatever?
	Like, what's the purpose of it?
	I don't know, but like, I just can't.
	Yeah.
	So, like, it just, it's just like funny to walk into somebody's bathroom to use it and just picture them just being like blowing it up.
	I don't know, man.
	Yeah, because that really, I guess when you do that, it really puts.
	It's more like a Japanese technique.
	I think we have your feet up high.
	That's why they kind of shit in holes from what I've heard.
	I remember in Africa when we went on a safari, you would go in, you would think it was a bathroom, you would open the door, and it was just a hole, and you would just literally just poop into a hole.
	Did it help?
	Squatty potty, here you go.
	It's just, it evens out that unkinks the rectum.
	Unkinks the rectum, evens out.
	Say that again slower, dog.
	What?
	Yeah.
	Oh, I have a question for you.
	A girl I'm seeing now, I guess you went on a date with her one time.
	Dude, dude, I guess it's beef.
	Say that.
	It's beef, dude.
	No.
	No, that means it's cool.
	That means like I'm equally as hot as Steel.
	Bro, that is.
	But it was like years ago.
	Okay.
	Did she say I was a nice guy?
	Yeah.
	She said you were like shy.
	Okay.
	That checks out.
	But like, yeah, like, I think it was just like, you guys were just, said you would ask like really random questions.
	Oh, God.
	Like, oh, what's your favorite time of day to get a Big Man?
	Well, it's before 11 a.m.
	If you're Brian Johnson, I'll tell you that.
	You've been dating or what?
	Yeah, what's going on, man?
	I'd gone on a few dates, but there was a gal I was dating in Nashville some, and then we said that ended up not working, and I've just been too busy.
	There was a gal in LA been kind of talking to him that I just don't have the, I just can't keep it up right now.
	Yeah.
	You know, the relationship.
	Yeah, your tour schedule is crazy.
	Yeah, and I just, I'm liking working.
	I want to be, you know, these are like the couple of years I might be able to do some fun stuff.
	Yeah, definitely.
	And it's, I don't know, I like working.
	I want to think about like, we're trying to do like some philanthropy stuff this year.
	So just, I want to, you only have so much time.
	So I don't know.
	Yeah, no, I don't think you're going to answer.
	So you get your loving on the run a little bit here and there.
	But that gets scary because like a chick will send you a DM and then they screen grab your shit and stuff, you know, and it's like, but I never say like nothing like, let me see that frosty or whatever, you know, like I'll just, but even.
	Sorry, Dairy Queen hacked my phone.
	Yeah, dude.
	Yeah, that's why I never, I have friends who sex like crazy.
	I will never.
	It's just too, it's too weird.
	Also, like if a girl's like sexing you and then you look at it the next morning, you're like, who the f ⁇ ?
	Who am I?
	Yeah.
	I need to find God.
	100%.
	If you type that, let me see that puss, period.
	Put me in jail, brother.
	Like, it's just so weird.
	That or like right after, if you like jerk off right after, it's like you look at your text and you're like, how do I throw, how do I get a new phone plan?
	Yeah.
	How do I switch to singular after that shit?
	You're nuts so hard to go back to boost mobile, dude.
	It's fucking disgusting after that you nut and they're still sending you like sexy messages.
	Oh, God.
	Oh, that's the craziest.
	Yeah, your phone should shut down.
	Your phone should shut down after you nut.
	You know how you try to lock your phone?
	Or if you try to unlock a phone too many times, it locks it out?
	Yeah.
	The second you nut, it should be like you are locked out until broad daylight.
	You have to hold your phone in the sun for five minutes to unlock it.
	Can you imagine how many just dudes in college would just be outside like this?
	I mean, it's hilarious.
	It's hilarious to like both be sexing back and forth and then you just finish and you're like, oh, yeah.
	I think I like dudes.
	Yeah.
	And she's still like, yeah, now what do you think?
	And you're like, I'm thinking about McGriddle.
	I think I'm disgusting.
	I think I like dudes, you know?
	Yeah, it's bizarre.
	I mean, that's why like after porn, I immediately have to exit out.
	Oh, of course.
	Anybody who gets off there in porn, anybody who comes and then continues to watch another video or two.
	No, that's crazy.
	That's crazy.
	That's like staying for a matinee in another movie.
	Dude, I exit out of the website at mid-Ejack.
	The second it's leaving my body, I'm like, and then I find that X button.
	I'm like, get this Salem witch away from me.
	Dude, I want everything to finish at the same time.
	Seem out of my body, open up, go to googleimages.com.
	Yeah, it's just a HelloFresh advertisement.
	It's still open.
	Dude, that's, yeah, that's something that.
	Dude, I accidentally sometimes I like to look at videos on Reddit and they place ads in there sometimes.
	And like, if you're scrolling through porn videos, I accidentally came to an NBA Jams ad.
	I was like, dude, that's actually so cool.
	Like, if one of my boys saw me, like, dude, he's just fucking on fire.
	Get tested.
	Yeah, dude.
	It was like, if anybody saw me right now, they're like, this guy fucking loves basketball.
	He loves Brian Scalabrini.
	I have this crazy fear that the computer, if you're jerking off or watching pornography, that they're video, they're recording back.
	So I'll like put it at an angle so that I can like see the screen, but like the camera can't see.
	You're watching it like somebody else's TV on a flight, you know?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Dude, that's so funny.
	You don't tape up the, do you tape the screen?
	I should do that.
	Yeah.
	It would be way better, but I just.
	Well, you should put a photo of you holding a sign that says not jerking off in front of the camera.
	Oh, yeah.
	But then behind it, you're jerking off.
	Jerking off.
	Yeah.
	And then you rip it down.
	My buddy Patrick, he were kids, he would like hide behind a map, like an actual physical paper map in his car with his parents if they were going somewhere.
	And he would jerk off behind the map.
	That's smart.
	And they're like, yeah, tell me when to get off the interstate.
	And he's like, oh, coming.
	Coming up.
	Dude, that's so funny.
	Dads used to be so good at multitasking.
	They have a full map, a family of five valuable lives in the car.
	And he's just being like, how do we get to the Grand Canyon?
	Doing 100 in a Volvo station wagon.
	Meanwhile, two of the kids are sitting in the trunk.
	They're not even in seats.
	And he's doing 100 multitasking.
	Dude, dads are crazy.
	Bro, being a dad has to be, I'm amazed that people do it as much as they do.
	They just turn into like a human Swiss Army knife.
	And they just, yeah.
	I don't know if we're ready for that, man.
	You think you're ready yet?
	No, but I do want kids eventually.
	But I think about how loud they are.
	Oh, man.
	Yeah, I think you have to get out in nature.
	You need to get a kid that's quiet.
	If you're out in nature and stuff, kids are quiet.
	If you stay out, live out there.
	But you get in like a big, like, I don't want some fucking kid all souped up on nerd ropes and shit.
	It's kind of loud for him.
	Yeah, I mean, that's crazy.
	You know, I just wish that you could, like.
	I don't know.
	I wish you could, like, just wear, just, like, headphones around them.
	But then people just think you're.
	Like a deadbeat dad or whatever, deadie or dad.
	Yeah, I think it's, I don't know.
	I would like to have him.
	I got to get that special someone or you know but dude, when you watch like Love on the Spectrum, you're like, oh, that's that's just like the dates that regular people have really.
	It's really the same.
	It's like awkward.
	People don't know what to say.
	Their kisses are always pretty graphic.
	They be kissing hard.
	Oh, yeah.
	Some of them really, really kiss hard.
	But they're good kisses.
	Some of them kiss like it's like you're trying to win something, you know?
	Or like the shotgun and that smoke in there.
	You ever do that with a girl?
	Smoke hookah.
	Oh, that was smoke in her mouth.
	Oh, that was the way you knew if a chick was in you or not.
	It was like, oh, yeah.
	Shotgun me.
	Shotgun it.
	And she's like, nah.
	Yeah.
	You do it with the hookah smoke and you don't know how close to get.
	And start making out with fucking just smoke in your mouth.
	Or boofing, dude.
	My buddy got boofed out by some chick at a party in Chicago.
	What a great place to get boofed.
	Somebody was blowing Coke up his butt.
	Have you ever done that?
	Uh-uh.
	No?
	Dude, I wouldn't waste the Coke by just blowing it in my ass like a weirdo.
	Isn't that, doesn't it jack you up more?
	Who cares?
	The fun part, I think, is doing it up your fucking face like a real man.
	Oh, because then people get to see it.
	And you just like, it's that, you know, nobody's like, yeah, but you were into cocaine.
	Yeah, boofing seemed like it could have been up there with, like, it could have been an option.
	But also getting a straw or something in your butt, like people will use like a McDonald's straw or something.
	It's hard enough to get a friend to help you move.
	You're like, hey, you mind grabbing this pixie sip and blowing it up my asshole?
	Oh, man.
	I'm busy.
	You can bar my truck, though.
	All right, man.
	Yeah, I'll be back around four.
	But like, let me know about that whole straw thing.
	Like, I've just heard it's really beneficial on a BuzzFeed article.
	Yeah.
	Dude, we got to come.
	I got to come to your pod, man.
	Please, I'd love to.
	Sif Socks.
	That'd be awesome, man.
	I've been on there for snippets, like little 10-minute chunks.
	I know we got to come in.
	We got to have that chairing situation set up in there, too.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, dude, whenever you're ready.
	I mean, your tour schedule is crazy, but whenever you're in town for more than 38 minutes, let me know.
	Yeah, I'm going to come do it soon.
	See to get you on, dude.
	And yeah, thanks for coming in, dude.
	We got to go hit a UFC fight or something together sometime.
	Have you ever been?
	Dude, please, I would love to.
	No, I just got invited to Slapbox, and that shit looks fun, too.
	You went?
	No, I got invited to go.
	I couldn't make it.
	You went?
	Yeah.
	Have you ever been on Nelk podcast?
	No, I just saw those guys in Vegas.
	I'm cool with all those guys.
	Did you do it?
	Yeah, I did it.
	It's fun.
	Yeah.
	It's cool.
	They just got a unique audience.
	They got the, you know, they're fun.
	They're a fun group.
	Yeah, love on the spectrum audience, yeah.
	Yeah, they're always doing fun shit.
	Yeah, love on the spectrum.
	Bunch of fucking, yeah, a bunch of just tismed out happy dad creepers, bro.
	You know?
	No, those guys are, those guys are buddies.
	They're cool.
	Yeah, they're good, man.
	My buddy John Shahidi over there.
	It's a fun group.
	All right, cool, bro.
	Thanks for coming in, dude.
	Thank you for having me.
	I'm going to catch up, man.
	Nice catching up, dude.
	Have fun in Australia.
	Fucking hit a fucking, see what them quakas up to, dude.
	Oh, yeah.
	Hopefully a girl lets you see some of her quokkas.
	Oh, I'm sure.
	I'm sure there'll be something.
	There's a lot of dangerous animals over there.
	So you'll see what happens.
	You'll have a blast.
	But dude, yeah, good luck with working on the new material and stuff.
	Thanks, man.
	Yeah.
	Good to chat with you, dog.
	Yeah, good to chat with you, too.
	I'll be in Nashville in the summer.
	So if you're there, we'll shoot some shit or have you on the show.
	Pretty good show, yeah.
	Yeah.
	Fuck you.
	All right.
	Thanks.
	Having now I'm just floating on the breeze.
	And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind.
	I found I can feel it in my bones.

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