On this solo episode of This Past Weekend, Theo Von talks about his trip to the Super Bowl, meeting a dialed-in Drew Brees, the problem with chili cook-offs, what to do when your friend cheats, and more. He also responds to some of your voicemails, and calls a lawyer for advice about his case with Kai the Hitchhiker.
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Music: “Drunk Outdoors” by North Mississippi Allstars https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRyXTObcoM0&ab_channel=NewWestRecords
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All right, I want to announce some new tour dates for you guys.
Okay.
I want to announce these tour dates right now.
Wednesday, March 22nd.
We have a new show added for Houston.
It's a new venue at the Bayou Music Center down there.
That's March 22nd, Wednesday at 8 p.m.
And then we're going back to Boston.
We're coming back for another week.
March 31st at the Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom.
That one's in Hampton Beach, New Hampshire.
That's Friday.
And then Saturday, we will be in Medford, Massachusetts, Saturday, April 1st now, which is just right outside of Boston on April 1st.
And Sunday, May 14th, we have the Beacon Theater in New York City.
And then Friday, July 7th, we have now added the Encore Theater, another show in Las Vegas.
That is the day before the UFC fights.
If you are going there for UFC, you can come to the show the day before.
And all those tickets is available at theova.com slash T-O-U-R.
Make sure you're going through there to get tickets.
And thank you so much for the support out there in the world.
What's up, guys?
My name is Theo.
I'm a human being.
Happy just checking in about life right now.
What's been going on recently?
I've been feeling pretty good recently, you know, honestly.
It's a little scary.
You know, I get a little scared sometimes when I think when things are going well or when things are feeling good.
It's like, you know, I kind of, I don't know how to handle it.
I think there's a little part of me that feels like, oh, well, you don't deserve it or there's, it's not, something's wrong.
I think I'm just so used to the feelings inside of me over the years not being good ones that those are the footprints.
I still, those are the footprints I continue to walk in.
You know?
And so only recently have I felt like I'm kind of making some new shapes in the mud.
man, things are kind of going okay.
And yeah, it's just such a foreign, it's just been foreign to my life to feel okay.
has been foreign to me.
And sometimes there's a part of me that doesn't want to, that doesn't want to be, that doesn't want to feel okay.
If I'm real honest.
There's a part of me that always wants to have something wrong.
There's a part of me that always wants to be able to look at the world or look at myself or look at my past and say, I told you so.
you know, um, so, So it's scary almost to be like, I think everything's kind of okay because it feels kind of new.
Um...
But yeah, I just wanted to kind of check in with some of just some, you know, I like feelings.
I like most of my life, I really have been kind of addicted to my own feelings, I realize.
You know, I even notice it when I go to like these recovery meetings and stuff, I'll be in there and people are talking about being addicted to a drug or an alcohol or something.
Over the years, I've been addicted a lot of times to my own feelings.
It's like I start having a feeling and then I'll start sipping off that bitch.
You know, I start feeling one way and then I'll buy an eight ball of my own feelings almost.
I'm like, oh, well, I'm going to better do a couple grams of this depression.
I better do a couple lines of I'm not enough.
You know, I can get that my feelings become almost the drug that I'm using.
I don't know if that makes any sense.
And that's okay if it doesn't.
I'm just saying what's going on.
But what's up?
Nice to see you guys.
Nice to be a part of your life today.
I'm happy to be alive.
I miss my brother.
I've been thinking about him a lot recently.
He's alive.
I just miss him.
What else?
I went to the Super Bowl the other day, which I can't even believe I'm just saying that so casually.
But dang, I went to the damn Super Bowl, which was fine.
It was good.
It's almost a little you get, you know, you go to the Super Bowl and it's such a business, it's such a corporate deal.
You know, everybody there is, you know, smells like a briefcase or, you know, has a business account or something.
You know, or is, you know, everybody claims they're friends with like, you know, Puff Diddy or Jeff Gordon or some shit or Guy Fiari.
Everybody's like, oh, you know, I got, you know, I got seven autographed spatulas from Guy Fiari.
I'm like, all right, well, chill out, you know, Big Daddy or whatever.
But it's like, there's a lot, it just feels like a real businessy event, so much so that you almost feel bad for the players on the field because it doesn't seem like it's about the game that much.
They stop in the game every 30 seconds.
They're selling a toaster.
They're selling a Nintendo.
You know, they got, they put a new hearing aid in, you know, in Big Ricky, the offensive top, you know, tackle.
And they're, you know, look at Ricky, you know, Ricky hears his dog for the first time or whatever.
You know, Ricky hears someone open a lunchable for the first time ever.
You ever hear, you ever see those videos?
It'll be like, you know, disabled veteran hears a wolf howl.
Or, you know, Native American, disabled Native American hears a wolf howl for the first time.
And they'll have a they'll have a disabled NA out there and he's all feathered out or something or he's washing his feet or something and he doesn't know what's going on.
And then they put that earpiece in him and then they show the fucking wolf and then the guy like looks up for the first time, you know, and probably starts jerking off.
I mean, if I got it, if I'm, this is no judgment, but if I'm, if I've never heard anything my whole life and I hear a fucking wolf set it off, dog, I mean, you got a damn, you got a pretty, you got to come soon, I feel like.
I mean, that's as native and natural as you can get.
But anyway, yeah, it was just very corporate.
You know, every 30 seconds, they're stopping it and selling something and it just gets real corporate to the point where you're like, you almost, it's hard to even pay attention to the game.
There's so much going on.
But I felt grateful to be able to go and have that experience.
I went down there with Rays and Kanes with some of them Louisiana boys.
So that was very exciting.
I mean, I just can't believe I got to go to the dang Super Bowl.
I was sitting there and Caleb Presley was there.
And, you know, I'm a fan of his.
And it was just interesting.
You know, and just like, dude, I can't believe I'm at the Super Bowl.
You know, it was just, I don't know, kind of blew my own mind.
Oh, but here was the thing that happened that made the weekend amazing.
I got to meet Drew Brees, man.
I got to meet Drew Brees.
And I was over there with David Spades, and y'all know David Spades, okay?
One of my heroes and one of America's heroes.
I mean, he's the damn Davey Crockett of humor.
And he invited me over to a party.
It was a fundraiser.
They're raising funds.
And so we go there and it's nice.
There's like there's like rich people and somebody's somebody was like being real rich and then somebody was next to him and they were, you know, they started crying and the other person's like, don't cry.
You're rich, you know?
So people were just being fucking rich in this place.
And so we walk up and Blake Shelton is there.
And I like Blake Shelton, man.
I like Blake Shelton.
He is an Oklahoma guy.
And he, you know, he just sings and he's comfortable, man.
And I've met him before.
And I like him.
I like him.
So anyway, we walk up.
Blake Shelton is playing.
It's like the part in the evening at a party where somebody is playing music.
So everybody kind of has to be quiet.
And we walk up and there's a guy, Steve Mariuchi.
Okay.
He's a coach.
He's a coach, and I want to say he's Italian.
I'm not trying to be racial or anything, but that's Italian, you know?
And he looks Italian, you know?
He looks like if you tickle him, he'll fucking just, he'll tell you all the ingredients of a cannoli, even if he doesn't want to.
You know, he just has that look to him.
And I walk up and Steve Mariuchi is talking to Drew Brees.
And I've had dreams in my life, in my head, where I'm like, how do you meet?
Do you ever meet Drew Brees?
Does God want you to ever meet Drew Brees?
You know, does Mother Nature, is there ever another flood?
And one of y'all gets flooded right up next to the other one and you get to finally meet.
And so there he is.
And so when You're with David Spade, David Spade can kind of just go up to anybody and like be like, and people are like happy about it.
So I'm just kind of milling around in the distance, being like, hey, look at David Spade.
And so anyway, he walks, Spade walks up, and I'm just kind of like in his shadow, like kind of there, but hiding, but trying to be like confident, like, okay, how do I, how do I walk up to Drew Brees?
You know, do I look like, do I look right at him?
Do I kind of look, you know, at the moon?
Like, what, you know, how do you do it?
Do I, you know, put my shoulders even?
Do I kind of like be like one shoulder is heavier?
Do I, what do I do?
You know, and I was nervous, man.
And so David kind of starts joking and they're both excited to see Spade and they're talking to him.
And I'm right there.
And I know at some point is coming around that Spade is going to introduce me.
So I'm like, what, you know, how do I, how do I look when he's like, hey, this is the one?
I'm like, do I smile?
Do I, so I don't know what to do.
So I open my mouth, right?
Which is insane.
I think that's an insane, you know, your meeting.
Okay, that guy's mouth open.
And then I put both hands out like this.
Like, if you know, if you ask somebody, how long is something?
They say, oh, about one foot long.
That's what I did.
He like, David introduced me to each guy and I, it was almost like you had given somebody, it was almost like that guy maybe in, what's the sport maybe, is that rugby or cricket when the guy does that, you know?
Anyway, so I did two hands.
I two hands shaked Mariuchi and Breeze.
And so out the gate, I'm like, oh, God, this, you know, I'm not doing that good.
Hey, I'm not doing good, you know?
And I started just kind of praying for myself, which you're not supposed to do.
I know that.
You know, you're supposed to pray for others.
But I needed it.
And I was right there.
And I'm like, what do you say?
When do you say something?
Do you say anything?
Who are you?
Are you someone that says something soon?
Are you not?
Do you just listen?
Do you laugh?
How loud do you laugh?
Do you laugh?
You don't want to sound like a fake, you know.
So anyway, I'm just being alive.
And Breeze is dialed in, bro.
When you're talking to him, he's like, you can see in his eye, bro, he could play for, I think, another, I think he could play for another 20 months in the NFL.
Well.
He's just, he's so locked in.
Like you're talking to him and you can see he's watching like where the waiters and the bus boys are going.
You know, he can see the, um, you know, that one of the waiters is running an out route to go on a smoke break.
He can see that the bus boy did a curl, but, you know, short of the sticks.
You can, I mean, he's like, he's caught, you know, he's got an audible.
He's got Colston going.
There's everything.
He is monitoring everything.
While you're there talking to him, he is dialed in.
He is dialed into life.
And you don't even know if Drew Brees blinks.
That's how much he blinks when you blink.
He sees you blink.
So that's when he blinks.
He ain't missing a moment.
He's locked in.
And it was interesting because I asked him, I said, hey, did you guys ever play against each other, him and Mariuchi, right?
And Breeze was like, yeah, we sure did.
And he rattled off the date.
He rattled off the score.
And you could just, I mean, he is just an anthology of precision is kind of how I would describe it.
As much as I got to, you know, I got to talk with them for maybe about 10 minutes total and maybe 90 seconds I could kind of feel my arms and legs while I was doing it.
So a lot of time I was just pretending to, you know, have a stable, what's it called when they, oh, pulse.
So anyway, that's a lot about Drew Brees.
But we're going to take some calls that came in from you guys.
What else?
I'm going to, I got to meet, oh, I got to meet.
I know I'm name-dropping, man, but I just was so like George Kittle.
And I'd seen like videos, George Kittle, and, but he, there's, that, it's like, it's a me, he, there is, uh, I don't even know.
It's, you got, it's, George Kittle is, um, he is an interesting guy.
He's got his energy.
He shows up at a level where you're like, oh, I didn't know they had this level.
You know, but he was very kind.
I'm friends with his sister Emma Kittle, who is a yoga instructor, and she's really incredible.
And she taught me yoga in Nashville.
And so it was just really great.
I got to meet their whole family.
Yeah, we're going to get into some calls.
We got the Kai the Hitchhiker.
We're going to talk to the attorney about that finally.
I got served some papers the other day.
I mean, a man came and served me papers.
So we're going to get into that.
We're going to listen to some of you guys' calls.
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You know, it's funny, sometimes I get on here and I don't know what to tell you about.
I don't know what to share with you.
I don't know what to...
That's all.
That's all I'm going to say about that.
The news, man, let's get into a little bit of news.
The Ohio train derailment.
A train derailment in East Palestine, Ohio prompted an array of false and misleading claims on social media.
You know that.
A Norfolk Southern train left the tracks while traveling from Madison, Illinois to Conway, Pennsylvania.
Residents were ordered to evacuate.
And evacuation is hard.
It seems like easy.
Yeah, you get in your car, truck, or camper and drive.
But where do you go?
Traffic is full.
You know, if you don't have gas already, then you have to go wait for gas first.
So then you're at the pump, you're pumping gas and you're huffing gas because the atmosphere is filled with it.
And then there's all kind of rumors that, you know, that how it got burned off.
Some people say that the government showed up and did it.
Some people say there were just, you know, a couple damn Browns fans or Steelers fans firing fireworks into it and shit and blew it all up.
I mean, you can't keep a gas in the air, you know, in some of these areas without somebody lighting it.
You know, even if you're at a party and you fart, somebody will run over there and light it if you're in Cleveland.
I mean, you know, who are we kidding?
You know.
So I'm not shocked that it got lit up.
I think a lot of people are freaked out.
They had a man yelling at the sky.
I'll tell you this, the whole thing was better than any M. Night Shyamalan movie I've seen in fucking 10 years.
Has anybody been given more opportunities than that guy?
Then you have all these people with their home values.
Now they're scared that they have no equity in their homes, but just because of the fear of this.
And you don't know.
You know, we live in a space now where we expect things to be done quickly.
Where so you see something on the internet, you see, okay, this should be solved right now.
And in some ways it should.
There should be like task force should be sent to help.
You know, there should be plans in place for things.
But the speed of life is not the same as the speed of the internet, the speed of social media.
You know, it's easy for somebody to be like, help these people, right?
And I even do it on Twitter the other day, I shared something.
It was like, where are the like transportation, head of transportation, where is the Norfolk Southern people?
Like just trying to, I guess I'm just rattling the cage.
But yeah, you wonder like, how do these people start to feel okay when they go to like a town hall meeting and they're just yelling at a mayor and he doesn't know?
But it's scary.
You know, the rail system has been, we've done a horrible job in America of taking care of our rail system, of taking care of our postal system.
Dude, I would rather give my shit.
Dude, more people, the rail system, first of all, more people are going on Hogwarts train than on any Amtrak.
That's a fact.
More people are lining up for Hogwarts.
So, I don't know.
It's just heartbreaking, man.
You see that out there?
These people got derailed.
And a lady, it says right here, throwing rock and water.
And she looks insane, this lady.
And she's saying, look at all the chemicals in the water.
Yeah, but that's just damn water, too, lady.
I mean, I know it's bad over there.
If you're over there, hit the hotline.
Let us know.
985-664-9503.
But I think a lot of this falls back on, do you feel like your country cares anymore?
Do you feel like I think we're living, we're getting into a space where people do not feel supported by their country.
They don't feel like there's this.
There always used to feel like this texture behind us that our country was unified and supporting us and looking out for the regular man and woman and the child who was getting a pail of clean water in East Palestine as opposed to the big business, you know, big chloride or whoever spilled all this shit.
And then now you got a lady.
And the water looks...
Wow.
Look at it.
It's all in the bottom of the creekbed.
Yeah.
I mean, you don't know also.
They could have, we don't know.
You don't know a video.
Somebody, this thing could be read outside of a pet boy's and they've been spilling shit back in there for years.
I'm not denying it.
I'm just saying that who knows.
But yeah, there'll be shrimp coming out of here probably a decade from now, wearing a fucking top hat.
You'll have a, you know, in a neck brace.
It's all going to be bad.
Newborn babies come out with fucking, you know, with neck braces on their knees.
It's going to, who knows?
Who knows what's going to happen?
A lot of, you know, they're going to have a lot of young women that look like Rob Grunkowski probably.
Who knows?
We don't know.
But we're there with you in spirit.
What else can we be?
That's all we can be right now.
All right.
As some of you guys know, Kai the Hitchhiker, who is a notorious figure in entertainment, I guess.
He's a homeless, or not homeless, he's a vagabond.
He is a tumbleweed with a bit of violence that surrounds him.
That's all I'll say.
He filed a lawsuit against me for a TikTok clip that was put up or Instagram clip that I didn't create that I shared.
And I wanted to talk with my buddy Dan Morgan over at the Morgan and Morgan attorney firm at the Morgan and Morgan law firm and see what the deal was.
So let's make that call now, if we can.
Hello, this is Dan.
Hey, Dan, man.
What's up, bud?
It's Theo.
Hey, man, what's going on?
Well, I sent you, you know, I got served.
I want to talk about the Kai, the hitchhiker thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
I got those documents and I reviewed them actually over the weekend.
Yeah, man.
So is it a real, is it a real thing?
Like, is it, I'm just, I guess I'm kind of, I don't know, you know, I guess I'm scared.
I'm, yeah, I'm scared about it.
I don't know what to do.
It is real in the sense that he did file it.
He did make some claims.
He's currently incarcerated, I believe, in New Jersey, it seems, and he kind of learned the law a little bit and drafted up this complaint.
So it is an actual complaint that did get served in federal court.
You know, as far as the merits to it, I don't think there's much there.
I think a motion to dismiss will kind of clean it up for you.
Okay.
So what is he asking for?
So he's making some pretty egregious claims in there.
I mean, he goes into a lot of TMI really about these other cases and these other legal troubles that's going on.
But then he pretty much does some type of algebraic equation that gets to a demand request somewhere around $30 million.
I think it's around $29,750,000, something around those damages from YouTube and Instagram views.
Well, what do I do?
I'm just have to work.
I mean, do I have to work forever or what?
I mean, it sounds like he's claiming you've already made this money.
So the question is, what have you done with all that money?
Dude, what is he talking about, dude?
I fucking have a, I drive a Ford Ranger.
He's saying you made all this money off using this deep fake of him.
You've stolen his valor, so to speak.
I didn't make it.
You've stolen his name.
He's saying it's a mother.
No, you're all good.
Yeah, he has this whole outlandish theory that you have a fake identity daughter account where you made this, but then repurpose it to then post on your YouTube without having to be the point person that he could go after.
Wow.
It's like a 30-page manifesto complaint.
He's doctored up from this federal penitentiary.
So is this, so when do I, how long do you, when do I need to, when do I need to do something?
So it looks like he got, like, he served about eight days ago or so.
Like, you have 21 days per federal civil procedure.
So, you know, just an answer pretty much saying, you know, this is a bogus lawsuit, a motion to dismiss, and a judge should just throw it out for you.
But you do have to kind of make sure you get those timelines done, or else there could be a default judgment where old Kai could get a check from deal for 30 million.
Well, he's never, I don't know where he would cash it.
That's the thing.
Am Scott, I think, might take it.
Okay, so what do you does, Does y'all's law firm help with that, or is that something I need to do?
That's something that I can help you get to the right person to do.
We're more like a plaintiff's type firm.
We don't really do this defense work, but I can definitely get you in the right hands out there with a California federal attorney to get this thing cleaned up for you.
Okay.
Jesus, dude.
Yeah, I mean, is this going to be like a thing that happens in the world?
Because this was a deep fake that I didn't have anything to do with.
I mean, obviously I repurposed it and put it out, and I thought it was funny and entertaining.
So I don't know if there is some responsibility there.
I don't know.
Exactly.
And when you kind of sent this over to me, I kind of started doing some research.
And it's obviously a thing that's popping up more and more now with technology getting as it is.
You can just really put in any video with any picture and it turns it out.
But, you know, pretty much it falls under some copyright exceptions where it's parody.
It's an ultimate defense.
So, you know, it's art.
It's parody.
It's not meant to be real.
You know, there's some protections out there, especially like political figures and revenge porn stuff like that, where there's been laws that have been put into place for deepfakes.
But as far as this type of stuff, it's really, it's just parody where there's no real recourse or damages that can be assessed for it.
Wow.
It's interesting because that's going to, I mean, with CGI and that sort of, this kind of thing, this is going to be probably a growing field.
Yeah.
Oh, it's popping up.
Yeah.
Because I mean, they got, you know, when the political race is around, they'll just take whatever party they don't like and just have them saying some outlandish, you know, outlandish comments, like, you know, crazy stances, and they put it out there on YouTube and it gets retweeted.
And that's the, you know, it becomes fact.
I mean, how do we, what does the future hold?
I mean, even now, it's like, it's, I mean, the videos are getting better and better.
Now they even have it where you can type in, you know, manifestos or lyrics and it will spit it out in the person's voice, too.
So it doesn't even have to be a recording them saying it.
It's just, you know, it's copying their vocals now and spitting it out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We've just been talking about some of that recently, that chat GPT, I think it's called.
And when that merges with like holograms or deep fakes, it's going to get, I mean, it's going to get really strange, you know.
I saw a thing a while back where they had so much footage and audio of Joe Rogan that they could make him have, they could have audio of him now saying absolutely almost anything in the world.
Oh, exactly.
Yeah.
And that's how they have all these politicians not to make these speeches, you know, three speeches a day.
They're just downloading it all and said, hey, let's make them say, you know, listen to like Power Start in the past.
It would take him, you know, years to chop up something to have it even, not even some analogy, just type it into a chat pod and spits it out in 30 seconds.
Yeah, man.
I mean, all we cared about was make them say, uh, na-na-na-na.
And it's just changed so much.
Is this going to be a field that you guys will cover a lot at Shell's law firm or is this?
I mean, if there was some, if there was damages against an actual plaintiff or if there was some real harm that was done and, you know, and something came from it, we definitely look into it.
But as far as just these celebrities having deepfakes made and stuff like that, you know, it's probably something we're going to stay away and just see how the law evolves around it.
Amen.
Dude, thanks so much, man.
I appreciate it, bro.
It's definitely been spooky.
And yeah, the guy came up and served the papers, and I thought it was like a dude, like a, I don't want to say like a homeless dude, not home.
I mean, he was like.
Yeah, they're sneaky.
Those process servers get sneaky with it.
Bro, I thought it was like kind of a like kind of a dude who was being kind of homoerotic or something because he kind of just hitting on you.
Well, he was hitting on you.
I mean, he just like kind of moseied up.
I thought he'd written me a poem or something.
And then he hit me with that and he kind of like, he didn't give like a- It was just, I don't know, bro, but I'm trying to meet a wife one day.
Tab kind of walked out to you and boom.
It was just surprising.
I'd never really been served any papers.
I'd seen it happen a lot, but I'd never got them myself.
So it was almost kind of nice, dude.
And it was almost like a Valentine in a weird way.
Right?
Yeah.
Someone was thinking about you.
Yeah, that's true.
These days, that's nice.
Dan Morgan, thanks so much, man.
I appreciate it, brother.
Anytime, man.
Always a call away.
Yeah, thank you so much, dude.
I'll chat with you soon.
All right.
Sounds good, my man.
All right, peace.
If you have a question about a legal issue, you have something that you think they might be able to help with, the least I can do for that, for the help there, is to put their information below.
You know, it's scary.
It's scary when something comes along or when there's something in the legal realm and you don't know what to do.
You know, that can be spooky.
Okay.
Let's get into some calls if we can.
Here we go.
As always, the hotline is 985-664-9503.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yo, Theo, my name's D-Rap.
I'm out here in Indiana, you know, home of the mad.
D-Rap!
Thank you for calling, brother.
Onward.
Home of the fucking cord.
And, you know, I just had a question, man.
So, I got a friend.
And he's my best friend.
One of my best friends.
We started becoming friends two years ago.
Man, he's been cheating on his girlfriend.
And I don't really like any of that.
And I told him, man, I'm going to need to tell your girlfriend.
If you're cheating on her, man, I'll give you a week to tell her.
Man, that week went by, and I told him, man, I need to tell your girlfriend.
He's like, man, don't worry about it.
We're not getting broken up.
So, you know, like, what do I do in that situation?
Like, I don't want to tell his girlfriend because he's my homie.
But at the same time, I hate cheaters because my dad cheated on my mom back in the day.
And, you know, that shit really fucks me up.
And I've been cheating on him.
So.
Meth or corn, baby.
Meth or corn?
That's a lifelong question, brother.
I feel you.
I think you can definitely say to your buddy, hey, not cool to cheat on this gal.
I don't know if you go tell the gal, though.
That's a little bit snitchy, that's a little bit like I'm gonna take responsibility.
Um, you know, it's not that's not your world.
Um, so I mean, it's your world, but it's not, I don't know.
That to me feels like you're trying to control too much of things.
Now, maybe if it goes on for a long, you know, it's so tough to know, but I feel like that's a little bit more of a thing you take up with your boy.
That's what you do.
You take it up with your boy.
Hey, man, I don't think this is a good thing.
You know, I wish you wouldn't do this.
But then also, I mean, who knows, you know, it's tough.
You may have a feeling for that girl.
But I don't know if that's the way to go about it.
I would start with your boy, man.
I would just say it again.
And then if you put a week on him and you didn't do nothing, then you're not even really about it anyway.
So if you're going to be about it, be about it.
You know?
So I would say, man, I can't, you know, if you're going to be, that's not the vibe I like to put out there.
It's not something I want to be associated with.
Then that's fair.
But then you got to stand by that with them.
If you just tell them every week, hey, man, don't be cheating, or I'm out of here.
And then you stick around, you know, and then you're going to tell her, then you ain't even do nothing.
So praise God, baby.
Thank you for calling.
That's what I suggest.
Also, I don't know a thing, man.
You know, I've been a cheater.
I've cheated on people.
And I don't know.
It's fucking, it's no way to treat somebody.
I know that.
But praise God, baby.
Let's see what else we got.
All right, let's take this call.
As always, the hotline is 985-664-9503.
Hey, Theo.
I'm calling.
I work in a learning center.
That's a school, baby.
That's a school.
onward?
These past few weeks, I've been having...
There's just been...
And, you know, it's.
Oh, yeah.
I know what you're talking about, brother.
I was in special ed, baby.
Let's hear more?
It's a job.
It gets stuff done, but recently there's been a kid named James.
He has autism.
And recently he's been trying to sexually assault me.
That adds up, baby.
Yeah.
I mean, I feel like if somebody, I don't know how to say this.
First of all, a lot of people named James have, you know, they're tismed out.
And that's, you could draw a damn graph of that.
And it would check out.
But what are we talking about?
Let me play it again.
Recently, there's been a kid named James.
He has autism.
And recently he's been trying to sexually assault me.
Yeah.
Well, look, if people have autism, they're going to want to fuck.
They want to get out that damn, you know.
They want to fucking burp that little nut wand, baby.
You know?
I mean, sometimes you just, I feel, you ever just been so just, you just want to spray on something.
So I can't even, if I had autism, I'd, I'd, you know, if I had fully documented autism, I would be, I'd spray on half the things in town, probably.
Let's hear more.
And, you know, I don't really care, but it's more frightening for the other students.
Yes.
And the thing is, you know, I know they can't help it and stuff, but every time he does it, he just has this look in his eyes.
Oh, yeah.
This lustful, evil look.
Well, they say if.
They say if the devil's got your nuts, he's got your eyes.
Because the eyes are just the nuts of the face.
So, yeah.
The feeling you have in your nuts is always the feeling that you have in your eyes.
Go punch somebody in the nuts and look in their eyes.
Same pain, baby.
And yeah, look, it's tough, man.
Look, first of all, I commend you for being out there and being on the front lines of special ed.
You know?
Let's hear more.
Almost like he knows what he's doing, and if he knows that it's wrong, he'll be, you know, he'll be running around.
Stop that, James.
Stop it, James.
Please stop.
And, you know, he'll be helicopter in it.
And it's just, it's scary.
And we're a little afraid for our safety.
Well, let's don't get crazy.
You know, I mean, you don't have to be afraid for your safety, dog.
you got a mentally unwell fella just, you know, running around trying, you know.
I mean, he's probably in heat.
Have you thought about that?
It's spring, baby.
It's almost spring.
It's going to be spring in a few months.
So you don't know what, you know, and if somebody's autism, they might be off by a month or two and their genetics easily.
You can easily see that.
That's fucking, that's that DNA leap year, homie, if you got autism.
So, yeah, dude, it's springtime.
That fella's in heat.
That's what you're getting there.
James is in heat, man.
I'd get him a little bust post over in the corner.
Get a little pair of, get you a half of a mannequin and put some damn Daisy Dukes on it.
That's what I would do.
And put that thing, you know, put a candle or two in a closet and let him get in there and pump on it.
You know, you have to have a plan.
But if you're just yelling, stop it, James, and he's out there just, you know, he's tugging on that little spunk whisker, stop it, James, isn't going to help.
You know, you're not a damn crossing guard, brother.
Or hit him with some Narcan, brother.
That'll shut anybody down.
You know, they don't like to put all the different, you know, uses or whatever on the thing, but if I got somebody in my area and they're over there splurging that little splash hammer right in front of me, I'll just damn hit them with that Narcan, baby.
You know, let the Lord sort them out.
Praise God, baby.
Let's hear a little bit more.
And thank you for the call, man.
I'm sorry that you're having to deal with some of this.
I'm almost afraid of some students because we found a collection of almost like a booger collection, but it was other people's pictures that he took from under a stairwell.
But we've been working on stuff.
I don't know what to do with him.
Well, he might be damn an artist, brother.
You can't, you know, it sounds like he's an artist.
So don't condemn him for that.
You know, I know they can't help it, but every time I look him in the eyes, he's just panting with that lustful.
He'll smirk when he does it, too.
It's like he knows what he's doing.
That's heat, brother.
He's in heat.
And that's somebody in heat.
And so I think at that point, you got to do prayer.
You got to consider an RKN, but I would do prayer first.
And yeah.
And look, I'll just commend you, man, for being there and being there on the front lines of autism.
This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.
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That's right.
When you're at your best, you can do great things.
You could build something new or create something new.
You can feel comfortable enough to love somebody or love yourself, maybe even.
You can do all of that.
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Let's hear some more.
What else came in?
Man, I was feeling...
We had some sets.
I forgot to tell you down in Louisiana.
It was fun.
A couple of them.
The crowds were a little rowdy, but the ones that weren't, my God, they were awesome.
Man, they were awesome shows.
I'm so thankful.
It was so just cool to go through Louisiana.
We're over there, you know?
And we went to Shreport.
Geez, Shreport, it went out of business.
I mean, it was just, they had a building there.
I was walking on the street.
A building asked me for $40.
So.
All right, let's hear this call that came in right here.
Hey, Theo.
I want to hear your opinion about something that happened to me at work recently.
To give you a little background on me, I grew up with a gay mom, and she had a meth addiction.
My brother's gay.
My niece is a bisexual, transgender woman into polyamorous relationships.
Damn.
You're living in a dang Skittle bowl, baby.
Amen, brother onward.
I'm not against any of it, honestly.
Same, bro.
Same, baby.
I want people to be true to themselves, you know.
But it's all fun and games, man, until your boss, who's the HR manager, texts you unwanted propositions at a chili cook-off at work.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, a lot of times food can be a gateway drug to homosexuality.
Let's hear more.
Anyway, you and me are about the same age, and things are for sure different than when we grew up.
And with the current climate, How do you think I should approach this situation?
Well, just because somebody's hitting on you, I think if you are gay or considering gay, and let me repeat that: if you are gay or considering gay, then approach this man.
Return him.
Go do it.
Do the chili.
Do the chili with him.
That's fine.
Nobody's, you know.
I mean, you're probably, most of your family's gay.
It sounds like it, you know, anybody that even stops by y'all's house ends up gay, to be honest, from what you said.
So you could easily be gay, dude.
You might be, you might not even be lonely.
You might just be gay and be just gaying around bothering women.
I'm not saying that, but it could be happening.
But I don't think you need to feel a pressure because of the way the climate is to return any homoeroticism.
You know, you don't have to do anything like that just because of the climate.
You don't want, you know, just because there's a lot of gay stuff happening, you have to, you know, do that.
But also, innately, some of these chili cook-off circles, it's a hotbed for gay activity.
You know, it's a lot of men.
It's all men doing it.
They're wearing aprons.
You see a lot of that.
Cutting onions.
One of them's tearing up.
One of them comes over.
What's up?
What's up?
What's up, Henry?
What's wrong?
Nothing's fucking wrong, dude.
He's out there with the damn devil's vegetables.
That's what it is.
I mean, onions, that's a, you know, my God.
It's the nicola sparks of fucking vegetables.
I mean, when do we shut that shit down?
But yeah, that whole, the whole thing with the chili cook-off, it's a hotbed for gay men to sneak in and, you know, hit you with that little shoshito pepper.
You know?
And just hit you with that little, you know, just try to get you to sip off that little, that little batter fountain.
Off of a little Bobby's little fondue railing, you know?
You know what I'm talking about, Weiner.
So, yeah, I think just take care of yourself either way.
But also, if you, you know, it may, you might be reading yourself wrong.
Here's what I would do.
I would get seven or eight of your friends.
I would ask them all, am I gay?
Do you think?
Or on a scale of one to ten.
Don't even go all.
Just, you know, get yourself a number.
And then walk out in the world and know.
Thank you for the call, man.
I love you.
And we all love you.
What else do we have here?
What's going on, Phil?
It's Mike.
And it's that urban gentleman.
What's up, Mike, baby?
Urban Mike, baby.
Welcome, baby.
Praise God, son.
Beige gang.
Out of South Florida.
So I was adopted at birth, man.
And, you know, I don't know anybody from my biological side.
And I decided to do some searching.
I found my mother on Facebook.
And I found some bad news.
She's locked up right now, up north.
Broke for a while.
For quite a while.
But I decided to message her yesterday, man.
Finally got the balls and messages.
I was nervous.
I didn't know how she respond, you know.
And she emailed me back this morning, and it was real positive.
Everything she had to say was real positive.
It's crazy, man.
It's crazy.
That's something I've dreamed about my entire life.
Like every day, since I can remember, I dreamed of being able to talk to my mother, man.
She's going to give me a call this afternoon.
We're going to talk on the phone for the first time.
It's crazy, man.
It's been 32 years since the last time I saw her, you know?
So I don't know exactly.
I text my brother, my adopted brother, and let him know.
And then the next thing I did was I hopped on the phone and gave you a call, man.
I don't know exactly why.
Obviously, we don't know each other, but I just wanted to share that with you, man.
Gang, brother.
Man, thank you, bro.
Thank you, man.
This is a nice, it's just nice.
You know, it's nice that there's something powerful going.
There's something powerful going on in your life and you thought, and you, your nature, whoever you are, you thought, hey, man, I'm feeling something.
There's really something special going on.
I'm going to share it with somebody else.
Not even that it was with me, with this group.
But this is a powerful moment.
I'm going to share this with somebody else.
That's awesome, man.
Thank you for the call.
You got me up in here, dog.
You hit me in those, man, my Tism James is a freaking...
These things are activated.
You know, it's funny, man.
Because you sound like you're in a good place, man.
This is just judgment from this call.
But you sound like you're in a good place.
And obviously your mother probably isn't in the best place with jail.
But it sounds like you are going to be able to be there.
You may have a chance to be for your mother what she wasn't for you.
And that you may be strong enough to do that.
And And that is that's on God, man, I think.
Yeah, I can't imagine, you know, waiting your whole life to talk to your mother.
God, you know, all those times when you don't even realize as a child, as an offspring, as a creation of something that you need that thing to be there.
And not even sometimes their voice, but even just in their presence to know that something is there to support you, just like a wall.
But like a wall that loves you so much, no matter what.
And a wall that's really also a door.
Man.
But it sounded like you, you, however your life has worked out, that you sound healthy enough where you might be able to be whatever she never had, in addition to you guys working out your mother-son relationship.
And that's really, that's what I think is amazing about life.
It's like, what am I supposed to, how can I be useful in this situation?
And me, I don't know if I could do that because I would probably look too much at my own plight.
I'd be looking too much at, oh man, my mother, this.
And I don't know if I'd be able to turn that corner and say, honestly, hey, what is why now are we back together?
And what, how do I look past my own angst or my own, you know, or you may not even have any more of that shit, but how do I rise above that to be whatever?
How do I be a great son and an adult son?
You know, I've had trouble evolving in that way.
And evolving from being just a son to being an adult son.
It's funny.
This is kind of a space that I'm in in my life.
But man, and I didn't mean to talk about myself so much.
It just, it's powerful that you chose to share that with us, man.
Man, you know how good that makes us feel?
First of all, to have an urban guy call urban person that even fucking messes with us, bruh.
Praise God, dog.
But even more than that, just that you're like, hey, I'm going to be, that you let all of us, you let us enjoy that moment with you.
You let us in on that, man.
You know how much that it's going to give us something.
It's going to give us a little bit more faith.
It's going to get us through the next day, the next hour.
Some people just might be a minute, but it's going to give us something.
It gives me a want to believe that there's things out there that are working for good.
That's cool, man.
So excited for you, bro.
If you get a chance, man, hit the hotline again.
I would just love to know how it went, you know?
But if you are in that space where you say, hey, man, this is something powerful.
And I'm going to call.
I'm going to share.
I'm going to let this be a part of this ambiance of this show.
Man, that means a lot.
And yeah, we'll connect.
And let me see if maybe if there's something nice we could do to help out or help her.
I don't know.
But somehow, even though it was giving you up or what I don't know, I don't know any of it.
But she helped make a good son.
You know, she helped make a good son somehow.
So, man.
You know, stuff like this makes me want to be alive.
It makes me want to be alive.
You know, it's those moments, man, where you fucking something.
You feel something.
God, that shit is high.
That is a high, bro.
That is a high, bro.
Praise God, baby.
Thank you for calling in.
I don't know.
I mean, what else are we going to say?
Yeah.
I feel like it's just a good place to finish the show today.
This show's been all over the place.
I've been feeling all over the place, but that's okay.
I'm grateful to be here with you guys.
I'm grateful.
We're going to be adding more.
We're going to try to get over to England.
We're going to try to get to everywhere.
You know, we're putting the shows out as we can.
Next week, we'll have some new shows going up in, I think, in St. George, Utah or Springdale, Utah.
We're figuring some of that out if you have a plan to be down there.
That'll be around the second week of July, second weekend.
Let's go out the way that we didn't even come in.
Well, let's close it out, man.
A lot of neat stuff.
I don't know what else to say.
Maybe we've said enough.
I don't know.
I feel like there's something else I'm supposed to be telling you guys.
But to all the people out there struggling with the stuff in the Midwest and the fear and stuff like that, it's scary.
You know, it's scary to think that this template of the world, sometimes we feel, especially in America, like our environment, that the world, the government, all this is going to take care of us.
And when that doesn't happen, it's very scary because we realize we're just this being in this in this template of society that we've created.
And that if some of that structure fails us or doesn't do us right, we're still sitting there responsible for ourselves.
And that's very scary.
So my heart goes out to the people that are in fear of that.
What else, man?
Oh, man.
I don't know.
I've been jerking off, but I don't want to be.
So it's been getting better.
It's been getting better.
And that's all we can ask.
Oh, you guys, be good to yourselves, man.
You deserve it.
And we will.
Let's go out with some Bishop again.
Actually, you know what?
Let's go out with some North Mississippi All-Stars Drunk Outdoors.
Let's do that, man.
What a fun group to go see, man.
They're always touring if you get to check them out.
And, uh...
Let me holler at you, come and step outside.
You got two dollars, don't try, then we gon'ride.
Let me holler at you, step outside.
Let's go get your trunk outdoors.
Let's go get drunk outdoors Now we're cooking with gas on the front burner Hot wind gas station down at the corner Cooking with gas on the front burner We're gonna drunk out the trunk Let's go get drunk outdoors Red feet on dirty dance floors Let's go get drunk outdoors If
you got money, you can get a little bit You got money, you can get a little bit Get that hit up.
Get a little bit of money.
Get that hit up Get that hit up.
And Lainey Wilson is dating someone.
So I'm not trying to spread her news, but everybody's been asking me about it.
And that's that.
That's that.
you you you Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Is it deal?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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