Theo returns with a long-awaited solo episode. He talks about shooting a movie this summer, new science on the female orgasm and more. He also takes some time to listen to your voicemails and catches up with a fan who was hit by a train and survived.
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Music: "The Come Up" by Eddie 9v:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jHN09U2420
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And just a lot of just beautiful information and intel to get into.
And just, I mean, it's just a damn little Christmas, I feel like, in September today.
We're back together.
We got Dalton is going to be calling in.
You remember Dalton, that beautiful little rail monkey.
He got hit by that train a while back and he got trained out, baby.
And we're grateful.
He's going to call in.
We're going to have him on the line and talk to a real human miracle and see what that's like to just get that close, baby.
I mean, just get on the damn fingertips of the Lord.
We're going to find out.
I'm grateful to be here with you guys, and I mean that.
And let's get into it.
I'm on a come up.
Yeah.
Feels real good after I've been so blue.
He's on a come up.
I'm on a come up.
It feels so good to have a brand new view.
Oh, yeah.
He's on a come up.
Well, I just broke up with my baby.
Now I can finally get the love on you.
Yeah, he's on a come up.
Well, I just walked up to Lurkey Street when the mayor came and said to me, He's on a come up.
He's on a come up.
And it's plain to see Between how you and me We got so much lovin'in chemistry It's gonna come up It's gonna come up Yeah.
That right there, baby, if you like that little warmer, if you like to just set your damn ear kettles on that warmer, baby, that's Eddie.
Nine volt on the come up.
And that's what I got to remind myself because there's two ways to go, baby.
There's two ways to go.
And I got to remind myself I'm on the come up.
And so are you.
Happy September.
As we migrate into the future, we are just, I mean, damn, we're just like a worm.
Just eat, just, you know, worms just eat the dirt.
Did you know that?
A lot of people are like, well, how does the dirt get from the front of the worm to the back of the worm?
The worm eats the dirt and duties the dirt through the back.
And that's what we're doing, baby.
We're those fucking time worms, baby.
We're just...
We're cruising.
Cruising through time together out here.
And it's happening fast, man.
Ain't it happening fast?
Hell, you put your ear up to the future.
You could hear the damn, you put your ear up to the wind.
You could hear the damn trick-or-treaters getting ready.
You could hear somebody dusting off a damn Dracula mask.
You could hear somebody whipping up a pot of fake blood, baby.
People are getting ready.
It's happening, man.
It's autumn.
You know, the trees are about to get naked, dog.
That's pretty crazy when you think about it.
All summer and all spring, the trees are like, oh, I'm wearing this.
I'm wearing this.
And then bam, boy, all them bitches out there are in a damn wood orgy.
Everything's out there, man.
All these birds thought they're hiding.
Suddenly you see them bitches.
They're like, oh, fuck.
We better fly to Florida.
It's that time, baby.
It's that time.
You know, I really, I do enjoy this time of year.
I enjoy when you go from that, there's that week where it's like still hot and then bam.
Surprise, you wake up one morning and you feel winter just, you know.
Because autumn is just winter's little fucking puppy.
That's all it is.
It's just winter taking a damn little dog for a walk.
That's all autumn is autumn ain't some autumn lasts a half hour in some places.
You go up to Maine, you go up to damn Anato Rica.
What is it?
Anato Rica.
What's the top of the country called to the whole globe?
That's Antarctica baby.
Antarctica.
You go to Antarctica, baby.
Fall lasts about nine minutes up in that bastard.
That's a quick, you know.
Damn, you can't even finish your coffee, son.
And winter's there, boy, and that thing will eat your ass, bro.
That thing will eat your ass with nine knuckles, baby.
What's happening?
A lot's been going on.
We haven't done a solo episode in a while.
We're out here in the Central East.
We've had an exciting run of guests recently.
We just had Tony Canon on, and he is an IndyCar driver, and he's from Brazil.
And got to go riding out with Mario Andretti.
He took me for a scoot out in one of his damn little bus buggies, baby.
We were out there.
We hit about, I think, 200-something miles an hour.
I mean, I could taste the enamel in the back of my throat from my own teeth, bro.
That shit really, that shit will clear your sinuses, bro, high speed.
What else?
We went down to Joe Rogan came on the podcast.
If you didn't hear that episode, that was pretty cool.
That was really pretty cool, man.
He had texted me and invited me to go on his show.
And I was like, yeah, thanks.
I'd love to come.
And then I was like, well, I know I got a space on mine that week.
I said, and I was kind of nervous to text, but I was like, maybe we'd love to have you on ours.
And so that was exciting.
I got to go and do that.
Bobby Lee came on.
That beautiful little Unagi, bro.
That little Vietnam survivor, you know.
And sometimes, boy, I fucking just, that little ponzu, little Muppet.
Sometimes I just want, man, I'll take that dude.
I'll drop him off at every damn VFW in America and let some old boys in there finish up on him.
You know what I'm talking about.
Ewo G, my daddy.
Praise God, brother.
What else has been happening with me?
Oh, we got to shoot a film.
We shot a movie or a film, film movie, film movie.
We shot that.
That was interesting.
You know, at first I didn't really want to do it because it's a lot of time.
It's just a lot of time.
And I don't like giving up my time, honestly.
It's a pretty selfish way to be.
It's nice.
Sometimes you have to do it, but I don't like, sometimes I just want to keep, I kind of, you know, I want to keep my time to myself.
You know, I keep my time all in like a little, you know.
I'm that little second Santa.
I got all my seconds in a bag on my back, baby.
And I might, you know, you know, take that satchel off and get a minute out to somebody.
Give seven, eight minutes to a little dime, a little dame, a little beauty over there.
Maybe give, you know, four or five minutes to your boy over there.
But otherwise, I like to keep my time to myself, man.
So for me, that was a new experience, just saying, okay, I don't know what this is going to be like.
I'm going to commit to doing it.
And so, and I was glad that I did, man.
We just had a nice time.
I got to do like this kind of like, not fighting scene, but it was like this kind of like wrestling kind of scene with Johnny Knoxville.
And that was, you know, I thought it would be all, I'm thinking like, all right, how do I look like angry?
But I'm fighting or I'm, you know, you know, do I make like a face?
And I'm just thinking of all this.
Like, what will I do?
You know, will I, you know, do I have to be real angry?
Do I need to, you know, call somebody and, you know, call them a bitch or something first?
Or will I just feel angry?
Like, how will I make it all work?
And we got there and it just, everything rolled out pretty cool.
You know, I didn't, I didn't, uh, I didn't overanalyze it too much.
Just did it.
And Bobby Lee was there, so that made it a lot of fun, just getting to be around him every day.
Because he's newly single.
You know, we saw he, him and his lady, you know, they went their separate ways.
And so he's, you know, I mean, he's most of the day he's on the just hunting leg on the phone and internet.
I mean, damn, that dude.
He had people, he had put some calling out on his social media or on his podcast for, you know, I guess women to send him pictures of tits and, you know, cooter or whatever, booty, booty, cooter, all of it.
I don't even know.
And damn men were sending him stuff.
And so he didn't know until each time he click on the picture.
And sometimes it's a damn, you know, it'd just be one long tit, you know, with some nuts on it.
I'm like, damn, bro.
That's a damn G-cup.
That thing.
That thing's a, that's a unique looking tit.
Because he was getting sent everything.
But that was a nice experience.
I'm glad that I did it.
And what else, man?
We went.
Oh, I went and visited my brother out there in Utah.
And it was in southern Utah, right by Mount Zion Park.
And it is, I mean, it's, it is beautiful, man.
It's like Mother Nature's, you know, whatever it's called, strip club.
I mean, if she got her finest, everything, it just, every mount, every mountain hill, every little thing, it just, damn, it's fine as hell, bro.
You know, you just want to suck your own nuts, bro.
It's just, it's just that kind of place, Mount Zion, if you get a chance to go there.
And my brother had moved out there.
He lives in Springville or Springdale, right outside of the park of Rockville.
And he'd, we had some fresh raccoon.
He shot a couple coons out there.
And so we had some fresh raccoon, squirrel, dove.
And I'd eaten dove before.
You know, when I was young, I had a couple brothers that live by the apartments, and they grilled up a couple doves one time for Mother's Day.
And I had some of that with them.
What else?
What else did we do?
Yeah, that's just kind of what's been going on.
Just Thank you guys for staying supportive of the cast and keeping things going.
I still got my sober days going right now.
I have, let me see, feeling pretty good.
Look on my little app.
I have 156 days.
So that's been nice to just, you know, feel a part of something.
Yeah, and it's been interesting, man, going to those meetings and stuff, you know, and just hearing other people talk honestly.
You know, sometimes when other people speak real, real honestly about themselves, about what's going on with them, it allows me to think honestly about what's going on with me.
It's like sometimes I can't really, it's hard for me to get a clear perception of myself or to think really, like, real clearly unless there's, but sometimes in the recovery meetings, if somebody's sharing real honestly about what's going on with them, then I can, I don't know, my brain just feels, or my emotions just feel safe to like give me like a real insight into what's going on with me.
So a lot of times real nice to go to those meetings and just listen, you know, and just hear.
And it's funny because sometimes people will put into words what I could, I can never, it's like, I'll have little pieces of what I'm trying to feel, but I can't get the mosaic right, you know?
I can't get the, I can't get it to really jang up.
And then somebody else will, they'll say it and they'll have just, I mean, they put all my pieces together.
It's like, oh, man, thank you so much.
I've just had these pieces, you know.
So that's one thing that I really love about the meetings.
What else?
I want you guys to hit the hotline.
And just, I want to know who's listening to this show.
Just tell me what you do.
It doesn't have to be really long, you know.
This is Ricky and I work at a, you know, I work at a Build a Bear.
You know, I'm an associate or, you know, I'm a fur handler, whatever it is.
Do it, you know, and just hit the hotline.
Leave that.
I'd love to know who's who's listening.
I feel nervous.
I haven't done this kind of like a solo episode in a while.
So I don't know why I feel nervous about it, but that's okay.
It also could be excitement.
Sometimes excitement, like hot, like it's, we think it's nerves, but it's just like, it's just excitement.
You know, I think we get, we immediately sometimes, or I immediately, sometimes we'll say it's anxiety, but fuck, I might just be a little psyched up about it.
You know, it's been a while.
It's been a while since I've gotten to sit here and be in this seat and be a part of this program.
So I'm grateful for that.
All right, let's get into a little bit of news here.
We got some news that has come in.
I thought this was pretty fascinating.
Florida governor defends migrant flights to Martha's Vineyard.
Suggests more to come.
So here's what happened is DeSantis, who is a governor in Florida.
And I always think it's interesting how like if somebody, there's a problem somewhere, people don't know about it elsewhere, but they'll have an idea about it.
They'll be like, oh, well, this is what they should do.
This is what they should do.
But until it's right there with you, then it's, then suddenly you get a real concept of what the issues are.
So that's why I think this is pretty fascinating.
I mean, it's definitely a little bit gangster to be using humans and shifting them around.
But it's interesting now that it's suddenly in Martha's vineyard.
You just imagine just, you know, 50 low-key, just loced out fucking visitors just hanging out.
That's the part to me that see, because I love anything that bothers fucking rich people.
I love that shit.
If you could bother the rich, man, if you could fucking tickle the rich with dirty fingernails, bitch, I love that shit.
So I think anytime you can drop off a couple of essays up in Martha's Vineyard, baby, let's do it.
That's what I'm saying.
You know, you got MS13.
Suddenly you got MV13, baby.
You got Martha's Vineyard 13, baby.
You know, that's when shit's going to get weird.
So, yeah, I just, because then people get to see what issues are like.
We had a border patrol agent on here at one point, I remember.
And he was in charge of the Arizona border for a long time.
I can't remember how long, maybe 17 years.
And he was saying one of the biggest problems on the border was that people were coming over, good people and bad people, were coming over and they weren't prosecuted.
Like even if they arrested the people, like two weeks later, they were coming right back because there was no like legislation happening where they were actually, like the executive branch wasn't prosecuting them.
And you don't, until you talk to somebody who's from there, you don't really have a good idea of what's going on.
So that's why I like this.
I wish there was like buses of different problems from different areas that were just kind of cruising around the country and they dropped somebody else's problem off in your area for a while and then they take your problems and drop them off over there.
Then they take, you know, like in Maine, maybe they got beached whales or something issue.
And then they drop them bitches off in Idaho.
And they're like, damn, bruh, you know?
And I just think it would be interesting if different buses were just like, oh, shit, here come this fucking trouble bus.
And you see whose problem it is today.
You know, Like, damn, they got, you know, like women aren't shaving under their arms in Oregon or whatever, or in like, you know, somewhere.
And then them bitches get out.
You're like, dang, bruh.
I didn't know it was like that.
So I think it would be interesting if there was a whole system of this going on.
So that's something that I think I would like to see in the future is just like a whole kind of different issues from different areas kind of cruising around.
That way everybody could get a little bit of a taste and see, because then when you vote on a national level and you have an idea of your whole country, you get like a real idea of what real, of what people's issues are.
You know, and for me, a lot of that stands, people talk about racism all the time.
And they're like, you know, I'll hear people like in California talk about like the South, but they didn't grow up in the South.
They don't understand some of the intricacies and like the boots on the ground everyday existence of living in a place that's had a lot of racism or black and white racism, maybe.
And so I think sometimes that's crazy me.
It's like, well, but you don't know.
You don't live.
You don't have an understanding.
You know, you may have like a vision of it and information, but until you get that understanding.
So I like that, man.
Maybe it's just some understanding buses.
That's not it.
It's not like a problem bus.
It's like, okay, here come some understanding buses.
We're about to understand this shit, you know?
And then it drops off and it's like a surprise.
You're like, oh, fuck, man.
So I don't know.
I think that that could be pretty interesting.
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A little more news here.
The female orgasm, that gasm, baby.
That Betty bust.
You know what I'm talking about?
It says female emission, that orgasm.
You know, these are talking about women, those gunners, baby.
You know, them ejaculators.
Some women, they'll damn, you know what I'm saying?
They could really, they really, you know, they got that freaking, they got that, that cooter gleek.
You know what I'm talking about?
These women are squirters, they call them, gunners.
I don't like using that kind of language, but they're real gunners, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
They'll damn, they got that bidet just built into their, you know, badusi.
You know what I'm talking about?
They just, you know, they'll damn, they could wash off the back of a moth at probably fucking eight feet.
But the female emission at orgasm is confirmed in a new study that the fluid that is released is from the bladder.
There's long been a lot of chatter over the years that it was, you know, female, you know, they had like a special, you know, you know, semen pocket in them or something.
I don't know.
But, or that it was tears, like a lot of women, you know, have a lot of tears built up in them and then they just gun out all these tears at you.
But a lot of us knew that it was urine.
I mean, it was urine.
And so there's a new study that was done.
If you haven't heard about this, and this is the International Journal of Urology.
It says five women, two in their 30s, two in their 40s, and one in their 50s.
Dang, baby.
Dang.
Grandma got that super soca.
They participated in this study.
All women were able to squirt.
They was these gunners.
And three of them gunned out with sexual stimulation and two of them with penetrative sexual stimulation.
So one of them was just kind of reading the braille, or two of them were just reading the braille, and the other one was, and the other three were using the pencil.
And what they did was they injected the women with a blue dye into their bladders so they could tell what was what.
Or they drained them first, it says.
A catheter was inserted before sexual stimulation, and the bladder was emptied.
So they drained these babes.
And then a mixture of indigo and saline was injected into the bladder.
Sexual stimulation was provided and it was videotaped and verified.
Some perv out there running this deal.
And the secretions were collected in sterile cups.
And it was found the main component of squirt fluid is urine.
Urine.
So there you go.
We knew it was piss.
I say piss or pe pe, but I say piss also mostly.
We knew it was piss and it is.
If you didn't think it was piss, I think you're a real crave.
You knew it was piss.
It was peace.
So anyway, yeah, that's what women have been doing.
They've been pissing.
Secret, that's really a secret.
It's a top, you know, it's a real, it's that backup bladder, though.
Damn, when you got that, that thing really, somebody can water a plant, you know, or just dampen a, you know, dampen a damn.
I knew this one gal, she could dampen probably an eighth of a loaf of pepperage farm, bro.
This bitch really had that, she had that baby hose backed up in her.
All right, so that's a little bit of news.
What else?
I want to let you know that October 4th through 7th, coming over there to Lexington, Kentucky.
Over there, they got beautiful broads and horses and women.
October 11th, Wichita, Kansas.
I believe that sold out.
They're almost gone for the second show there.
October 13th and 14th, Omaha and Denver.
Those are sold out.
We will add some more dates for those, but it won't be until the spring.
November 3rd through 6th in San Diego at the Balboa Theater.
I think the fifth show is up now.
We sold out four shows.
Thank you guys so much.
It's just, man, I'm really excited and it's going to be great.
I'm excited to be back up there and get out and see you guys.
All those available, theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
A new story came out about the 25 most dangerous jobs based on data from the Bureau, Bureau of Labor Statistics.
So I peeped these up.
And the number five one was garbage collectors.
You don't think about it as being that dangerous, but you know, that truck likes to chomp.
That truck will eat anything.
That thing will eat a damn baby stroller.
That bitch will eat an ex-wife if you, you know, if you, you know, did something wrong to her.
You know, so, you know, that thing doesn't really have much of a conscience on it.
And it also, people throw a lot of, you know, semi-bad food out in the garbage.
So I'm sure you cruising on the back of that thing, somebody threw a batch of bad shrimp in there.
And at first, if you're like me, if you're in a car, you see some food or something, you're like, I'm not going to have any.
But for some reason, three minutes later, I'm eating it.
Doesn't matter what.
It's like that gardetos or whatever, that shit.
I hate it.
You put a bag by me, I look at it, I say, oh, I hate that.
Three minutes later, I'm eating it.
I'm eating these little midget toasts made for damn elves or whatever.
I'm eating it.
I'm making a little fucking sandwiches, putting a little peanut between.
I'm eating it.
So I can imagine it's the same thing.
When you're out back there, you know, you're hiding on the back of that G truck.
They always got two freaking little recycle bunnies hanging off the back of that bitch.
And you forget somebody, you know, somebody threw in some bad shrimp you out there.
A mile later, you fucking have two of them.
Next thing you know, you six feet under the sea, baby.
That's it.
Bad shrimp take anybody out, a king or a pauper.
So I could really see how that is the number five job that is unhealthy for people.
The number four, most toughest, most dangerous job, roofers, it says right here, roofers.
You know, them little lid monkeys, baby.
If you want to put a top on something, they're trying to shut everything down and close everything in if you're a roofer.
I remember we used to invite this one kid over to play at the house.
And me and my buddy, we would call him and invite him.
He live across the street.
But then we'd get up on the roof with a couple pellet guns and just spice him up, spice his skin up when he walked over.
And he already had this little fella had some, he wasn't little, but he had some bone density deal going on.
And so part of him was little and part of them was big.
You know, he was just kind of that little that little wobble rabbit, you know, that little shake it like a soul shit.
You know, he just had that built into him.
And we're still all friends and shit.
It was just childhood shit.
But if we didn't have a roof, that kind of shit don't happen.
So I'm not shocked that roofing gets real, real dangerous overall.
Number three, we have Derek operators in oil and gas mining.
And that doesn't surprise me.
That's dangerous because, I mean, natural gas, that's basically Mother Nature has got a, it's just a fart that's hiding inside of Mother Nature.
That's all it is, man.
Natural gas, all that is, man.
So you telling me, say you're laying somewhere, right?
And some dude rolls up with a needle and sticks it in your body and tries to suck a damn butt puff right out of you, bro?
Dude, I beat the elbows off that dude.
He won't be able to hug anybody.
He won't be able to hug correctly for damn 18 months.
So that's all Mother Nature.
Look, that's danger.
If you're trying to just, you know, suck a big dirt puff right out of Mother Nature's abdomen, then you get side swiped by her or whatever, I'm not surprised she's beating people's asses and really causing hell and causing fatal accidents, says fatal accidents.
So that don't shock me, man.
Any creep trying to suck something out of Mother Nature's gut is a real freak.
I think they are real booty freak nature style.
This is, I can't tell if it's getting boring to me or not, but number two, aircraft pilots.
And it says private helicopter and aircraft pilots.
And I think the issue with them, why it could be dangerous, because there's not as much with commercial pilots, there's more checks and balances.
There's other pilots that they are all going to the airport with.
But private, you just call your guy, hey, I'm ready to go.
You know, we're leaving in eight hour, leaving in three hour leave, you know.
And he could be doing anything.
He could be hopped up on a couple blue shoes, half an eight ball, whatever.
So now, next thing you know, he's up there.
He's navigating, you know, the rich.
That's the rich, man.
If you get rich, it gets risky.
You know, there's a cost to be the boss.
And so that's what I think they get.
They get these pilots that they're ready to go, but they could have been up to no good right before.
So you get some dude up there.
He's still all, you know, geeked up on some of that fucking, on some of that nose broth, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
Liquid cocaine.
And he's on damn hinge up there.
He's swiping on matches.
And next thing you know, he swipes your fucking Learjet in the side of a mountain.
So I think that that's the issue with that, I would imagine.
And the last one here is logging workers.
Logging workers, I mean, you just get a real, a lot of people that are trying to stay off the grid.
A lot of people.
And it's not really the tree you got to worry about that much.
Because a tree only has two moves.
It has the fall.
And then the real most dangerous move of a tree, the roll.
People don't think about that bitch.
People yell timber and it falls, then it fucking rolls over nine people.
Because they don't have a, nobody thought of another thing for after timber.
That's really just ignorance.
So you get that timber, but you don't get that double up on the roll.
People getting damn rolled out.
You know, all of a sudden, you know, fucking stepdads flat and y'all poor.
So it's just, you know, they don't have a good plan for that, I think, with logging.
And the secondary issue is this, man, a lot of cree, a lot of just crawdad humans out there.
I work with this dude, Ronnie, bro.
And they call him Big Hat Ronnie.
And he was a brother and he had mental retardation.
And me and him got hired.
And I was supposed to be the boss, but he didn't understand what that meant.
So, you know, and he was bigger than me anyway.
And so we were both fucked.
We're about, you know, we're out there doing work for my buddy Richard, who actually died.
But we're out there.
And this dude, bro, once they lit that saw up, they gave him that bitch.
He fucking cut everything, bro.
This dude cut fucking bird feeders in half, cutting fucking fences open.
Didn't give a shit.
He cut open a damn chain link fence, bro.
This dude, man, he probably hit four trees in about maybe half an afternoon.
This dude would cut a new fucking bathroom into your fucking kitchen.
This dude didn't give a shit, bruh.
So, and he loved the Lakers.
He loved the Lakers.
I remember that.
And I hope he's doing well, too.
And he'd walk to work.
That dude would leave for work at 4.30 and get to work at fucking 7, bruh.
That dude walked to work.
Just greased out natural God's grease, baby sweat.
And he just liked, once that fucking gas fumes hit him in that fucking little baby, that little, just that spinning scissor sword, bruh, he'd fucking cut anything.
Fucking cut the damn earth open, dude.
He didn't give a shit, bro.
So I can see how logging is dangerous because the trees and then the people you're doing it with.
They're fucked.
What else?
We got some great calls that came in in the hotline.
As always, 985-664-9503.
We've had some good, good calls that came in.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
So I've been thinking, I've been single about nine months now.
My fiancé cheated on me with a dude.
So I obviously broke that off, but it was disgusted.
But so he, the thing that gets me, right, he says that it was only sexual and that since it wasn't emotional, it's not gay.
I don't understand.
What do you think?
For me, I think it's fucking gay.
If he's a tranny, which I guess he said he was, and he has a penis, it's gay, right?
Definitely gay.
I mean, maybe if they transitioned and has a vagina, but it's not.
I don't know.
It's just a question that's kind of eaten me up.
Thank you for the call, first of all.
And I'm sorry that you're going through this, and I appreciate you sharing it.
I think this is a big topic in America right now and in the entire world.
I think what your boyfriend or Your male boyfriend, or whatever, I think what he's doing is called considering gay or attempted gay because it's not really I'm gonna go and be gay and do gay, it's more like I'm gonna, he's kind of just wandering into the car wash a little, you know.
He just kind of looking at the different sponges and seeing how, you know, different things soak and how the sud kind of roll off of different edges and things, it seems like.
And so I don't know if that's gay, you know, because he might like, some guys like that.
I hear a lot about it.
You would be surprised.
I hear a lot about men.
They like the titties and they like to have that little wand kind of wandering around, that little doorstop on it, you know?
Because a lot of trans penises aren't fully functional.
And you can correct me if I'm wrong, because I don't know anything.
But a lot of trans people's penises, they're not fully functional penises.
They are kind of part-time wieners or they are some of them are not functional.
It's just like mistletoe for the butt for that bee hole, baby, for that butthole.
So it's just a little bait and then you, you know, you hit them with that b-hole, baby.
So maybe he could just be super curious.
He may want you to do some new stuff.
He may want you to put on a fake wiener or fake dick and do something with him, you know, or hit him with some fake dicks or something while y'all are having sex.
I don't know.
I don't know what he might want.
You know, you could, I don't know.
You could write dick on your arm and fucking hit him with it.
I don't know what kind of stuff he's into.
I don't know.
But it doesn't seem like he's just trying to be gay.
It seems like he's just kind of just, you know, I'll say it like this.
When I was young, they had everybody went to the water fountain.
But there were some guys that would go to the water fountain and they would put their mouth on the thing and they would just take it all.
They didn't want to miss nothing.
They didn't want to miss a damn drop.
They would suck it right out the fucking machine.
You could hear the machine squeal a little sometime if a big guy got on it.
So you might just have a, and I don't know if those men grew up to be gay or if they just like to get all the, they just like to get their water different.
So you might not have a gay man.
You just might have a man who likes to drink a little different than you.
So it might just be more a conversation you need to have with this gentleman.
Because if anything, he's just sound like a real curious man.
But I wish you the best of luck.
It's hard out there.
It's hard for everybody who's looking for love.
It's just a real lost and found too, especially as we get older.
You're like, damn.
You know, this sweater has blood in it.
You know, you're like, it's just, it gets dicey.
We got a call here.
Let's take this one.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, this is Dylan.
I'm in the U.S. Army.
And I just want to let you know I'm a normal man.
And that's it.
love you Barry well Well, that's good, man.
I think that's I think it's really good, I guess.
You know, and I appreciate that call, too, Dylan.
Normal man.
What is that?
Dylan is a normal man.
I don't know.
I have, I know I've introduced myself to women like that, and that is a scary, they don't like that.
Hey, I'm a normal man.
They don't like, or hey, I'm not a bad guy.
You know, some of that kind of, it's not a good way to do it with the women.
I've found, you know, I remember one time I followed this woman in San Francisco for like four blocks and I finally caught up to her, this fast woman.
I finally catch up to her and I was like, hey, I'm not like a creeper or a pervert or something.
And she fucking flipped out, dude.
And I was trying to just, you know, talk to her, but I don't know.
I've never even been in that city before.
And also, you know, who spilled wine on me?
He used to play quarterback.
Who are some former quarterbacks, Trevin?
If you can look it up for the San Francisco 49ers.
I thought his name was.
Brock Purdy.
Nope.
Trey Lace.
Jimmy Garipolo.
Okay, someone does not follow football.
No, previous.
Earlier.
Joe Montana, I think.
Oh, after Joe.
Who y'all got after Joe in there?
Joe Montana.
Steve Young.
Nope.
Jeff Garcia.
Jeff Garcia.
Here we go.
Jeff Garcia spilled wine on a brand new Banana Republic lime green button-up I had.
That bitch was fire, and I was so excited to wear it.
And he spilled wine on it.
Pretty nice wine, I thought.
Mile back.
Okay.
Thank you, Dylan.
Take care of yourself, buddies.
Take care of yourself.
Here we got a call right here.
Hey, Theo, man.
I've got this topic, this story.
I just need to get off my chest, and it's shitting your pants in front of a female.
And it's happened to me a couple times, but one time I really remember we had some panda express the night before.
And I'm just getting to know her, you know, a couple dates.
And everything's good, you know, in the night.
And I wake up in the morning for work.
I'm like, man, I gotta relieve this pressure in my bowels.
But I'm late for work.
I don't know this girl that would opt to do that for a bathroom.
So I leave.
I get about halfway to my car and I'm like, yeah, this was a mistake.
I don't know what to do now.
I'm looking around for a shrub or whatever more.
A shrub?
What do you mean, Zelda or something?
Onward?
Apartment complex.
So there's not much cover to get around.
So I'm thinking, man, I just gotta do it right here by my door.
So I'm looking around, and while I'm looking around, about to do it, she comes walking out on the deck or whatever, waving my phone at me.
Hey, you left your phone, dummy.
So I'm like, fuck.
I start walking over there, and I get about halfway through.
I'm like, shit.
Throw it down.
Throw the phone down to me.
I don't want to.
I'm going to walk up and say, throw it down.
No, just come up here, silly.
I'm like, no, fucking.
Throw the phone down.
There's nothing worse than when someone calls you silly when you have to shit.
It's like, do you, there is nothing silly about me, lady.
I am going through, I am reenacting that movie 300 right now in my pants.
And you're fucking calling me.
Oh, hey, silly.
You don't want your food.
I will fucking shit one of your windows open.
Okay?
Onward.
As I'm, you know, yelling at her, I'm not going up these steps.
I'm just seeping.
Seepage.
Coming out.
She comes down, finally gives me a hug, gives me my phone.
Oh, bro, is there, bro?
If you let somebody hug you while you have shit yourself, dude, you, you, sir, are messed up, man.
You're a messed up dude, bro.
And I don't say that kind of stuff to people a lot, but that's insane, man.
Letting somebody hug you while you've shit on yourself, write that down and then read it a couple times.
Jesus.
Turn around, and I'm sure she saw those skid marks.
Yep.
Look, I think it's your issue, Bub.
That's what I think.
I think you got to, I don't know what you got to do, man.
I got no suggestion for you, bro.
Dear God.
Oh.
Oh, I can't.
Now it just makes me scared to hug anybody.
And you're doing that to people, dude.
But be well.
You know, one thing that gets me sometimes is nightmares.
I'll be laying there.
I'll be shut down and bam.
The devil sends some thoughts.
The devil sends a story.
I don't want that.
It's the same thing with my credit cards.
If I have a high balance, that thing is just milling around.
It's just spooking me all the time.
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But in the morning, I wake up.
Dang.
I see myself smile.
I say, hey, boy.
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All right.
I am, I'm grateful, really, right now.
You know, I want to talk to people that have been through something.
I want to feel something on this show.
I want to talk to men and women that have had a walk that a lot of others don't have, that have been through a journey.
I want to talk to some miracles.
You know, God's little Easter bunnies.
And if you know someone who people would consider a miracle, something they've been through, it could be anything, avalanche, electrical storm, anything, drowning, reincarnation, anything.
If you know somebody like that, have them hit the hotline 985-664-9503, or you can hit it and just say, hey, this person, but make sure that they're cool with it.
I'm not cold calling damn, you know, I'm not going to be cold calling a bunch of amputees or nothing.
But yeah, we just, I want to talk to people that have just stood right there on the welcome mat of heaven or hell.
And I want to get close to something on this show, close to something real.
And we're going to talk today to one.
We got a man.
I'll show a clip from the past from when he first called into the show, our boy Dalton, train victim.
And I'm looking forward to talking to this man.
What's going on?
My name is Dalton.
I've been listening to the show off and on for a while now.
You mentioned something about your uncle or I forget who got hit by a train.
I can relate because when I was in high school, it was probably like 10 years ago, I was actually hit by a train on the way to school.
I was walking to school and I lived.
And yeah, I don't know if you want me to, I can send you.
Damn, send me what, dog?
You're going to send me some arms, son?
I'm just joking, man.
Wow.
On the line there, Dalton, can you hear me?
I can hear you, brother.
What's up, baby?
There he is.
Man, you're a miracle.
You're a miracle, brother.
Hey, living a miracle.
Wow, baby, that little boxcar bad boy, son, that rail baby.
All day.
Hey, yes, man.
Dude, I feel uplifted even just seeing you, man.
Thanks for joining us for a little bit today.
Thanks for having me.
Yeah, man.
So, you know, you've had a really unique experience that other people haven't had.
You've been hit by a train and it just doesn't happen to folks.
Can you take us through some of that?
Yeah, no problem.
So when I was in, it was in high school.
I was in high school about 10 years ago.
And when I would walk to school, there was a set of train tracks that every kid would have to cross to get to school.
Oh, yeah.
Them risk sticks, baby.
That's what those are, son.
Dang, baby.
Dang.
Okay, sorry for interrupting you.
Go on.
It's high school.
You're out there.
You're walking to school.
Yeah, no problem.
Yeah, so in my mind, I've never seen a train go by on these train tracks.
Like very seldomly does a train go by on these train tracks.
And it was right after Christmas and I got a big set of headphones for Christmas.
Yeah.
And I was walking to school and I would know when to look up.
It's like cross the street, look both ways.
But this set of trains, I'm not, I'm saying, you know, it's mostly my fault that this happened.
I'm not blaming anybody for this, but I was looking down with headphones on and the train was going very slow.
And when I think about it, if there was a camera on the situation, what had to have happened was the train's going like this and I'm walking like this in perfect timing.
I step on the track, train runs over my foot, hits me in the head.
It was only two carts long, so it wasn't a long train, but I went underneath and then I popped back out.
Damn, you went right under it, huh?
Yeah.
And then I popped back out, and then I woke up, and then somebody seen the whole situation.
Somebody had to flag the train down.
Wow.
They didn't even see what was going on.
Now, were you, what song were you listening to?
I was listening to Aussie, Revelation, Mother Earth.
Dang.
That's kind of heavy metal.
Yes.
Heavy metal on the heavy metal.
Yeah, bro.
That's really wow.
I mean, that's almost like your ears are asking for it.
They wanted that, you know, they wanted the heart, they wanted some real percussion going on.
They wanted the heavy percussion section.
Were you conscious after you come out the bottom of it?
I woke up after, like, just beside the tracks.
I woke up.
I spit up blood.
I lifted up my leg and my leg was like completely like just limp.
Like everything was shattered in there and it was just completely limp.
Like a tongue almost, huh?
Basically, yeah.
A long tongue.
And so did it knock your shoes off or anything?
See, this is the weird part.
Yeah, it knocked my shoes off and the shoes were completely fine.
So I kept wearing those.
You kept wearing them?
Well, like after I got to the hospital, you know, a good pair of shoes.
I mean, I think I'd feel like I'd burn everything, but I like your attitude.
You're just going to go right back in there.
And that's one thing that I really did admire about you, man, was some of your attitude.
I remember whenever you called in, you said that you'd been hit by a train and some of the positive effects that had come out of that.
And that if you, if you could do it again, that you would do it again.
You'd run it back.
Absolutely.
I honestly think that if somebody could go through a near-death experience and survive, obviously, very healing process.
Like it's almost like God, you know, sat me down and said, you got to take this more seriously, you know, like I, you know, try and live like, you know, I hope for tomorrow, but you never know.
Yeah, it's like God saying, I chew, cho, choose you, dog.
You know what I'm saying?
Absolutely.
Now, what are some things that kind of happened to you?
Like, what are some of the like uplifting thoughts and attitudes?
What positives kind of happened inside of you after that?
Like, what adjusted, if anything did?
Well, I kind of felt like before that, like I was in high school and I was a kid.
Before that, I was kind of like on autopilot.
And, you know, I would just, you know, I didn't know who I was and I was just kind of on autopilot in life.
And after that experience, you know, it really showed me that, you know, I had to come into my own character and showed me that life is important, you know, like made me, it's a part of who I am and it made me who I am.
I wouldn't change it at all.
I don't know where I'd be if that wouldn't happen, if that didn't happen.
Wow.
That's really, it's just such a fascinating take on it, man.
Cause I think, to be honest, there's a lot of folks out there that would like to, I think, get hit by a train, but aren't willing to put in the time, you know, aren't willing to really, you know, put their nuts on the, you know, in the basket or whatever, you know?
The 10,000 hours.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
They're not willing to really show up and do the work.
Did it help you in any sense with the ladies or anything like that?
Was there any kind of, did it have an effect on people?
Other people?
You know, it is kind of a weird situation.
It has been a weird situation.
I am that guy that got hit by a train.
Hell yeah.
I walk into the bar.
Oh, you're that guy that got hit by a train.
I'm like, yeah, you know, it happens.
But on the ladies' side, you know, like people are interested or like, it's interesting, but, you know, like, I don't know.
It hasn't, I haven't gotten any more or any less ladies because of it.
I'd like to think because of my character.
Yeah, well, it's funny.
I feel like you and I almost look the same.
I feel like you and me are some, somewhat versions of each other in some sense, man.
Now, did it hit your penis or anything?
Did any of your body get mangled like that?
Did your wiener get hit out or whatever?
No, fortunately not.
Basically, just my foot.
You want to see it?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I do.
Hell yeah.
So this freaks the kids out when I show them.
Yeah, but fuck the kids, man.
Whoa, boy.
Damn, you got that eternal peace sign, son.
So, yeah, I lost three toes.
And this is a skin graft on top from my leg, like from my thigh.
And the weird part is his hair grows on this now because it's from my leg.
So I'm like, do I shave my foot or hell yeah, grow a little soul patch on there.
S-O-L-E.
Dude, that's phenomenal, man.
I love your attitude.
Did it adjust the way that you interact with people afterwards?
Did it have any effect on that?
I could really see that happening.
Well, like I said, people, you know, I am branded with this situation.
Like, you know, everybody knows it's like, and I understand how crazy it is for somebody to see somebody.
It's like, oh, they got hit by a train.
But the way I act towards people is I'm always talking about, you know, life and God and this and that.
And, you know, sometimes people get weirded out, but, you know, this is the game of life, you know?
Yeah, man.
It is important.
Do you feel like God was reaching out to you?
Absolutely.
Knocked me off my horse and said, you need to take this game of life seriously.
Wow.
Wow.
That's interesting.
Do you feel like it made you more religious?
It really just, you know, tied your shoelaces directly to the Lord's, you know, long hair?
Absolutely.
I don't believe in, I believe all gods are real.
You know, whatever you believe is real.
And, you know, that experience made me really feel like, you know, there is an architect.
There is something out there, you know, planning things, putting tracks in front of things, you know.
Amen, baby.
All the Lord.
You know what I'm saying, boy?
Let's get it, dude.
Wow, man.
Well, dude, it's just, you know, I love your attitude, man.
Getting to see you.
I've been wanting to for a while.
I've just been kind of like kind of getting well, just taking care of myself and been having a lot of guests on, but I really wanted to connect back with you, man.
You've been on my mind just because your attitude about saying, hey, man, run it back.
If I can have an experience that brings me that close to realizing the value of my existence, that I'm willing to almost do that, that there's, that there must be such a value in that, huh?
I mean, it must feel really, because you can't just get that.
You can't just create that.
Absolutely.
Like, I would equate it to like maybe you know, a psychedelic experience, or like it really make it makes me at least like, I don't know anybody else in their psyche how they would react to it, but for me, it makes me feel the weight of every day.
Amen.
And that, you know, this is the one shot.
We only get one shot, one opportunity.
This is it, dude.
Mom spaghetti, son.
I feel you, bro.
Well, look, man, I'd love to check in with you again, man.
We'll send you some merch and stuff like that and just get you dripped out.
We don't have any dope-ass socks for you, but we'll see what we can do, man.
And just thanks for being alive, man.
Do you accredit anything inside of you that you feel like, do you feel like you were the guy that was supposed to get hit by a train?
If people would have said before, who's supposed to get hit by a train, you think people would have picked you or you think you just really, you know, just caught that lucky fucking long bus, you know?
I honestly think it was supposed to be me, man.
Like my mental strength, like I believe that, you know, I'm mentally strong.
I'm not trying to like boast or anything, but, you know, this is your life.
Look, dude, you got hit by the train.
It's your time to tell us.
I just, I don't know if the average person would be able to handle this and walk away from it, you know, normal.
I remember when they wheeled me, because I was in a wheelchair, they wheeled me into the psych board.
And I'm just like, they're trying to see if I'm like mentally this, that, or whatever.
Yeah.
And I'm like, like, I'm not having this.
Like, you know, I was, it was a weird experience, but yeah, it didn't affect me.
Funny thing is, is when I'm watching movies with my friends and there's a, somebody gets hit by a train in the movie, everybody looks to me.
Yeah.
And I'm like, I'm like, what, guys?
Come on.
It's only a train.
I beat that train.
Yeah, it's one train, baby.
You fucking want to.
I'll never come back with something bigger, you know?
Like, yeah, that's what I'm saying, dude.
I want to see a UFO fucking land on your back, son.
I'm ready for a fucking blimp to hit you, dog.
I'm afraid to take you to the Super Bowl.
The Led Zeppelin.
Yeah, bro.
I think anything's ready, bro.
You'll catch a missile in your mouth, son.
You can do whatever you want.
Absolutely.
It did make me think of this.
Just a second ago, you were talking about, what'd you say just a second ago?
Before you were talking about your first?
The psych ward, they wheeled me into the psych board.
They tried to make you crazy.
Yes.
Wow.
They tried to think you was like retarded or whatever because you've been hit by a train.
Absolutely.
You want to hear something else crazy too?
Yeah.
This was at the beginning of the whole opiate epidemic, right?
This nurse came into the doctors or into the hospital and she's like, we're going to prescribe you OxyContin.
And I was like, no, no, I smoke marijuana for my pain.
And then she, I'll never forget this till the day I die.
She's like, oxycontin is healthier than marijuana.
Wow.
And I was just like, can I get a new nurse?
This is, this woman is insane.
Like, you know, this is.
Yeah, can I get this bitch a train?
Somebody order this bitch a train, bruh.
Because that's, it's unbelievable that someone, that any human would think that.
Absolutely.
It was insane.
They were truly selling it.
Like, it blew my mind.
Yeah.
Wow.
Man.
Well, it's, it's funny.
You die.
I mean, that's a fucking, that's a dirtier train to Dodge right there, man.
You dodge.
Absolutely.
Wow.
Well, dude, man, I love your attitude, man.
I'd love it if we could check in with you every now and then and just kind of see what's going on.
Where do you live at?
Sure.
I live in like around Niagara Falls, Canada.
So like right at the border, basically.
That's nice.
It's nice up there.
Yeah, it's nice.
Niagara Falls is one of the seven wonders of the world.
I've seen it so many times that it's just normal to me.
Can you drink off it or you can't get that close to it?
Pardon?
Do I drink off?
Can you drink off of it if you get close to it or can you have to stay far back?
Yeah, you can taste it on your lips, definitely.
But you couldn't get a full sip, but you get a half sip.
That's fair, I guess.
Any of your senses heightened after getting hit by that training?
Anything, do you feel like you have any unique, I don't want to say powers, but that's what people are going to do.
I can say powers.
Okay.
Do you have any unique sense or any sense, any heightened senses or slash powers?
Absolutely.
Like I was saying, like I feel the weight of every day a lot more.
Like I was reading this book and there was soldier, it was about soldiers in World War II.
And they were at the point where they knew they were in a situation where they knew they were going to die.
There was no if, ands, or buts.
They know they're going to die.
And because of that, every moment is sweeter.
The next, your next meal means everything.
Your next kiss means everything in the world.
So, and people like they, these soldiers almost liked that feeling of you could die at any moment.
And I don't, I don't claim to be like, you know, like, like a red dot on my head, like, you know, I'm going to die in this moment, but I sort of feel like I, you know, feel the weight of life a lot more, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
Like there's just like it's got a, everything has a lot stronger taste to it, every, every moment.
Absolutely.
Wow.
Yeah, man.
You're out there, baby, that little rail monkey, Dalton.
Run it back.
Two trains, baby.
Look, man.
I'm proud of you, dude, and I'm glad to meet you.
Glad to meet you, too, Theo.
You know, you're an inspiration to all of us creatives, especially because you're a comedian and, you know, You make you're not some glossy thing where you're a real person and you show us all that we can make it being us.
You know, we don't have to be this bigger than life thing.
We can be us.
Well, thanks, man.
I appreciate that.
Yeah, I'm just trying.
Yeah, I'm just, it's hard to be anybody, you know?
It's hard to be.
Yeah.
It's hard to be.
It's a real challenge, it feels like sometimes.
And that's nice of you to say, man.
I appreciate it.
And yeah, I think you do the same, man.
You make me feel like, hey, it's okay if I only got, you know, if I'm missing toes or I'm growing a fucking sideburn on my fucking foot, baby, let's go.
You know what I'm saying?
Got to get that manscape.
Yeah, they want to set you up.
I don't know if they make anything to cover that, bro.
They're fucking missing out.
You should sue them.
Thank you, bro.
It's nice to make your acquaintance.
And when we get up there to his show, man, we'll have to have you come out and so you and I can get to meet in person, man.
Absolutely.
I've been waiting for you to come to Canada, man.
Yeah, we'll get up there soon.
My tour manager is from Ontario, London, Ontario.
Okay, yeah, I've been there.
That's close.
So he'll get me up in that area soon, man.
But yeah, we'll do something nice, man.
We'll send you one of these bobbleheads, dude, and get you out there and get you some items or something that you want.
And just thank you, bro.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
And fuck yeah, dude.
If somebody can get hit by a train and just keep on just trucking, then I can do that today, you know?
So thank you, dog.
Love you, Theo.
Love you, too, man.
Amen, baby.
You're a miracle.
Thanks, Dalton.
Thank you.
A miracle right there.
A miracle.
And we got to listen to them.
And we got to learn from them.
Man, I'm grateful for that today.
It's a real perspective switch, you know?
It's a real perspective switch.
It makes my problem to mean my problems seem like micro machines right there when you got a fellow that's just damn that's just getting trained out grateful to be alive today um grateful to exist on this planet um working on staying in gratitude myself you know uh
still battling some anger here and there and um some you know thinking things are supposed to be a certain way expectation you know i'd love to not approach the day with a lot of expectation i'd love to just sit there and watch god paint you know but usually i want to get up
and i want to open up this color and this color and you know i'll see what he does i'm only giving him four colors you know i'm giving him this brush i want the water i want the instead of just sitting back and saying all right let me see what magic this big dog is gonna do with the canvas of my life you know what's he gonna paint what's he gonna put out there and
just not to look for the end product but to enjoy the uh the colors along the way um you guys be good to yourselves man you deserve it you can hit the hotline 985-664-9503 i know we owe a couple calls about some anger a gentleman they called in a while back about anger he was dealing with and i want to get some response calls for him didn't get to it today um but we will in the future um thank you guys for supporting my podcast and
being a part of my life um yeah i think that's all we got today love y'all man gang this is uh whenever you're down out in the cold there is a light by the stone keeper david manuel i
love that hit but you know what man that's not getting me all the way there i'm gonna finish out the way we came in baby you know i'm on the calmer feels real good after i've been so good i'm on the calmer i'm on the calmer now
i'm back i got so many people asking where i'm at i think the pennies and ohio a taskal so women know i'm on a come up Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about kite club.
I've been talking about kite club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
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Is it deal?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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